D&D is For Nerds - The Search for A'Helm #3 Ambush at Jones' Bluff

Episode Date: March 10, 2018

In which our heroes go to the elven trade centre and all they get is this lousy coin.Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeCass: https://twitter.com/JacksonBBalyJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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After a very successful tour of Australia, our sister show, Plumbing the Death Star, is continuing its get-cooked tour for the Melbourne International Comedy Fest. We're performing for two shows only, Saturday the 14th and 21st of April. Head to sandspantsradio.com slash live for info on venue, times and where to grab tickets. Both shows are completely different topics and under 18s are

welcome but come with a parent or guardian. Ideally your nan, she loves it when we talk Avengers to her. Once again head to sandspantsradio.com slash live to grab your tickets today. DancePantsRadio.com slash live to grab your tickets today. Welcome to episode three of The Search for a Helm, a D&Dist for nerds adventure. Previously. The knight puts a hand on his shoulder and says, the lord would probably like to inform you that he does not know of a helm. My name is Sir Terry Burr.

I'm kind of the highest knight around here. These scones are helping. Thank you very much. Can I take a third? You can take as many as you want. At some point, because you've been here for so long, at some point the maid comes back out and refreshes everything. Excellent.

I drink so many cups of tea. So if you want, you can bring him before the king to mete her out justice, or you can be the justice. It's up to you. She's walking straight towards the other end of the grand hall behind her are six fancily dressed men acting as pallbearers for a coffee that's a sad time like sir terry burr he has this like sort of dreamy happy expression on his face excuse me are you all right yes of course i How are you? My dagger, because that's what he's been using on Dad. That's some sweet revenge.

Yeah, my horse's name is Vengeance. Michael Ware helps you with that as well. Richard Ware. I'm telling you that. Michael Ware. Dick. No, Dick. Dick Ware.

Dick Ware. Dick Ware. Dick Ware. Dick Ware. Your servant seems to be a member of an occult who tried to kill a knight of the realm. You consider the insane assassin before you. Take him away.

I don't think you should take him away. Oh, really? He seems to be affected somehow. Frankly, I think you're in the cult too, Askar. Good, now we're talking about it. Everything. Why would you send someone to kill my friend? You're just very suspicious.

That's a very serious accusation you're making. Do you have any proof of it? No, not currently. Do you have any proof that it's not true? I wag my tail. I think you'll find, as a local lord, the burden of proof does not fall onto me. I lower my tail.

Fair enough. Frankly, I feel you've overstayed your welcome at this point. Believe me, I want to go. Don't worry. The king will hear of this. I hightail out. Very well. Oh, shit.

Well, would you like us to send the message or shall you? We'll do it. It's fine. Because of the aforementioned suspicions, you're in a cult. Goodbye, then. See ya. I wave with my tail as I leave. Hang on a sec.

Can I cast Zone of Truth? Verbal and somatic components? Yep. Everyone will know that you're casting a spell. Wait one moment here. I want to cast the zone of truth. All right. Are you in a cult?

Tell us the truth now. Is there, like, some kind of, like, law proclamation that can be like, as a knight of the realm, everything here is under martial law or whatever. Can we declare martial law? Declare, like, my word right here. Everyone has to obey what I say because I am a knight of the realm. You know what I mean? Implore some sort of law.

Do they know much of... This might sound weak. We bluff that tieflings are allergic to lies and I'm getting sick and we need to find out what's happening. Uh-huh. Yes. That's the best kind of bluff there is.

The assassin fails his save. Must tell the truth. Ascarket. What's your spell save, DC? I should have written it down. Do not know. Oh, damn. What's your intel?

Oh, wait. Charisma 5, right? Yep. Plus that. All right. Ascarket also fails. Oh. Well, yeah. The radiusarket also fails. Oh. Well, yeah.

The radius is only 15 feet. I'm going to say none of the city guard are actually in the radius. Oh. So Richard Ware fails. You were rolling for us, Nate. I'm so scared. You my real dad. You pass.

You know this, by the way. You know who passes, who fails. Oh, did I pass? What about Tiffany? I'm going to say you were outside the range. Would you like to step into the zone of truth? What type do you want to know? I'll tell you anything.

No, I step out. No one can know about my guild secrets. Surely you don't need a zone of truth if your kids aren't willing to tell the truth. Anyway, that happens. Now, zone of truth if your kids aren't willing to tell the truth. Anyway, that happens. Now, zone of truth does not compel them to answer. Okay. So, first question is, the papers,

what have you written in them? Leave. Now. What have you written in the papers? Those papers? He gestures the one you're holding? Yes. What you requested. What have you left out? Nothing that you requested. Please leave. Guards?

What are you doing, kid? It's like, remember you... The town guard begin to advance on you a little menacingly. I want to point out to the town guard that if they raise their weapons against me, they're raising their weapons against their king and god. Why didn't I throw you under the bus your attempted intimidation seems to fall on death ears they the only thing you can see in the gods minds right now or in their eyes is weighing how this fight is going to go and you can see that they're quite confident they can take the four of you Did you order the assassin to kill my friend? No, I did not.

He steps out of the zone. You'll be leaving now. I want to say that you probably should not be holding office very for much longer. Better men than you have tried. You have a pleasant evening, friend. You have a pleasant evening. I say it with absolute genuineness. Sound guards stay with you until you're out of the keep,

and then what do you guys do? They're still with you, but at that point they're still with you. We're going to head. What time is it? It's probably like 5 p.m. Can I tap my tail on the ground like rats? We missed out gee whiz

yes sweet did dad think it was cool I was like that's up to him put your tail away it's sad we're not gonna be stupid to head out tonight.

It's like nearly nighttime. Is there a sort of a camp along the way? We can stay at the guild. Quite frankly, I don't really feel safe in this town. You're the one starting fights, buddy. Okay. No, that's fine. We don't have to see my friends.

It's fine. An evil man is clearly ruling this town, and you don't care. I do. What is wrong with you? All in good time, man. Pick your fights. I am picking my fights, and this is a fight that I want to pick. Well, where do you want to stay?

I would say that this is it. So Richard Ware pipes up. I've got a place at a tavern not too far from here. Sounds good. Okay. I've got a place at a tavern not too far from here. Sounds good. Okay. I hired out an entire floor. You're a curious man, dick man. I got the money for it.

Don't call me dick man. Stay in the tavern tonight. Is there anything on the way to the town? Like what? To the bluff. To Jones' bluff? Yeah. Can I say the town? Like what? To the bluff. To Jones's Bluff? Yeah. Can I see the map again?

I don't think so. No, it's just a path. You might pass like a tavern or inn on the way there, but probably not, to be honest. Well, we stay here for the night, and then at first light we leave. Sure, man. That's fine. Where do you want to stay? I was saying this is...

We'll stay with Sir Richard Ware. we'll stay with the richard ware we'll stay with yeah it seems a it seems a big waste yeah that's what they call me he pats his stomach a wonky dick

classic yeah we'll go to the tavern alright make our merry way on the third he's like rented out the entire third floor

it's five rooms in total. One for the horses. Sorry? You have to stable your horses. Keep the horses. Put them up there. Horses can't go downstairs. We've lost our horses.

Place Dubois. You have to take your horses to the stables. Actually, you probably might have. Oh, no, wait. You entered through a weird means. But you take the... The tavern owner says that he can stable your horses for you. That's so nice. It's you three,

Richard Ware, plus he has, like, an entourage of five other servants. And a maid. Do you think we should get our own meals prepared? Probably. Alright then. That's fair. Probably for the best. Anything we order, I'll purify.

Don't worry. He has his servants just, like, from their own supplies organize you stuff. Organize you guys some stuff. And he pours wine for everyone. Oh, before he gives you wine, Tiffany, he says, is she old enough? I just shrunk. You old enough, little girl? Yeah, it was my birthday last week oh i didn't get

you anything a glass of uh wine it's okay look away like it's not gonna match your gaze it's like happy birthday how are you thank you yeah happy birthday that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me okay uh i'll be back in a moment. Is there anything, like, if I leave now, is there anything I can buy something? Just something nice.

Markets are probably closed. Like, just a little trinket or anything like that. Markets would have closed by sundown, and sundown was like an hour ago. I was sort of like, okay, I want to go

to one of the servants, these little helper's boys. Yeah. Do you have anything like nice, like a little trinket, a little knick-knack, anything like that? We had a nice bottle of wine, but the Lord just asked for it at about the same time. So Ware says, I got you this bottle of wine.

Ah, no worries. You're going to add a fine bottle of wine to your inventory? I'd like to pat myself down, like, find my dragon dice, which are just dice for a gambling game. Happy birthday. There you go.

There you are. Wow, Dad, will you play with me? Yeah. Play a quick game, I suppose. Can you teach me how? I'll give it a go. I'd like to attempt to teach my daughter how to play

Dragon Dice. Something I don't even know how to play. I'll go red. Red? Red like my tooth. So, Grace, you're a bad teacher, but that's kind of okay, because Tiffany, you're a bad teacher but that's kind of okay because tiffany you're a good student i had to be because no one taught me anything

maybe you saw someone else play a game once and when he makes a mistake you're like don't you mean this maybe you even already know how to play i just wanted to yeah all the kids at the um apprentice school when they got older, they all did it. I wasn't allowed to play, but I watched them play. They let me watch sometimes. You get a set of dragon dice, you get a bottle of fine wine. Do you make any other attempt to look for a gift? Oh, other nice things?

What did you ask exactly? Does Germany like a nice trinket or something like that? Like a little knick-knack. Well, the Lord, the Sir Ware did buy several gifts for his wife, but I don't know. Probably can't give you them. Yeah. Like what's the cheap, like what is, like what? Like a necklace, some rings. I mean, I don't really, I've only known her a couple of weeks.

Giving her a necklace or a ring is kind of a bit weird. It would be weird. You're weird. It would be weird. You're about the same age as well. It might seem like you were propositioning her or something. That's what I'm talking about. Very frank. That's what I'm saying. I think it would be a very weird thing. The necklace wouldn't quite fit over my

horns. Just hang in there over your face. I could... You could do it like a... Yeah. This business. in there over your face. I could... You could do it like a... What do you call that? Yeah. This business. I have two holy symbols.

Circle it. Like bang, cling, clang symbols? Bang! Oh, fuck it. God! Yes, God. A symbol. It's like a little...

It's a pendant of the... Maybe ones of Penia, ones of Gnomes. So one is... Here you go. Here's a pendant.... Maybe ones of Penia, ones of Gnomes. So one is... Here you go. Here's a pendant, a silver pendant of Penia, the female pantheon. It's a symbol of a sun. It's very elaborate, very pretty.

That's gorgeous. Thank you. Thank you. I'll shoot you a look. Where do I... Is it... Do I... Is it...

Can I wear it? How do I... Is it just a loose pendant? Of course. You wear it. See do I? Is it just a loose pendant? Of course. You wear it. See, this is the other. That's the human pantheon. Penia, this is Nobbs.

Do you know much about the religion? No. No, my religion is leather. And the tanning gods. Oh, of course. I want to explain to her religion. I'm keen to listen. I'm a good learner.

Let's go with red. I'll go blue. So, you remain a very good student, and now you have a very good teacher. Yay! Hurrah! What's dad doing throughout this? I hope he's giving like a dirty look. So where nudges you when they're having their little,

because food is probably served at this point, nudges you and says, I never talk religion or politics at the table. It's bad manners. It's just, it's the worst. I hear Dax and clop him with my clop. I mean, cloop, clop, hoof.

That's the one. Your cloop. I clip clop him with my hoof. Are you kidding me with your hoof? No, like, because you said a rude thing. That's true. And your noble man is trying to do a nice thing. I'm only trying to...

It's a gentle clap. It's not like a stomp. I'm not counting or anything. One for yes, two for no. I know I talk when I'm angry with you. Like, during my teen years. Like, how are you? Who taught you that?

What did you do, Dad? Damn it! I was about to do that. Damn, my horse daughter. Oh, dear. Well, I'll stop then when she claps me. All right. You eat your meal and then go to bed.

Yep. You wake up the next day and you want to head towards Jones' block? Yep. Let's make the trip. You're up the next day and you want to head towards Jones' Bluff? Yes. Let's make the trip. You're going to actually probably need to convince Sir Ware to come with. Why do you want to come?

It's not my mission. But Sir Ware, please come. Sir Ware. Dick, you saw what was happening in the keep, right? You saw what that was. Wouldn't you want to come and help? It's got nothing to come and help? Wouldn't I want to leave the keep where it was happening? Well, that's where we're going, but we would always need...

Are you going to the keep? No, no, we're going to the bluff, but we need to find this helm. And you don't strike me as a man that would say no to a fight. If any of you ever want to use your inspiration To get a bonus on a check Just let me know I guess I should tell you more often when I'm rolling

I guess if we do a thing If you're like this failed I'm like maybe we'll do that then I don't really feel so I'm a bit old These bones don't want to get up and move For another adventure. But you can swing a club.

Now, can I use my point of inspiration? You certainly can. Yes. Gotcha. I hope I get a one. No. Oh, wow. I got a 20.

You say stuff like, oh, there'll be adventure. Excitement. Fame. Maybe even some women. Classic. Classic Digway. Okay, you have a wife. Well, if there's maybe a...

What? You have a wife. I would never cheat on her, but like, you know, if a fair young maiden maybe gave me a little peck on the cheek, maybe I'd be happy to help out. Well, it's just a peck on the cheek. I suddenly feel very disturbed because I am a young maiden, and then I feel almost. Not that young.

You're his daughter, for Christ's sake. Basically a niece. For Penny's sake. Then I remember I'm a tiefling, and he probably wouldn't be interested anyway, because no one is. And I don't know whether that makes me feel better or worse. I sit there with a face expression.

I'm not listening anymore. Just the attentions of a young damsel, and then it gets the blood flowing. Then when I get back to her, I remember what it's like to make love. They don't have my angry ear. You always like to feel something again. I start crying.

Oh, gosh, it was her birthday. What is going on? Why are you both crying? Why are you crying? Why are you... You're really cut from his cloth, aren't you? I give you a thumbs up, but then wipe away my tears with my tail. So the next message is there.

Clasp you on the shoulder. Like, you know, like a, all right, well done. What is going on? You're an odd family, the Graces. It's an odd slipper. I ride out. I follow Dad on vengeance. So where comes along with?

What is Sir Where's horse name? I'll name it. No, no, no. So Richard Where's horse is named The Constant Craving. Adam, why is everything named The Constant Craving? Why can't somebody be named Peter Hitchiner for once and it's goddamn wise? Peter Hitch is a great horse name.

Peter Hitch is not the horse. The Constant Craving. I've never been madder at you than I am right now. I'm sure you've been madder. Can I be like The Constant Hitchiner or something? Compromise. Compromise. Peter Craving.

The Constant Hitchiner. Peter Craving. I'll go. Peter Craven. The constant Hitchiner. Peter Craving. I'll go with Peter Craving. Got him. The constant Hitchiner's coming later. That's when we get a second horse. The constant Hitchiner and Peter Craving. They need to fall in love.

It just becomes Hitchiner Craven. The Hitchiner' a Craving. The Hitchin' a Craving course wedding. You don't marry a horse and a horse isn't going to take a last hit of another horse. You recover all of your hit points, by the way. That's beautiful. Hay-nee-moon. All the hay you can eat for a month. Provided by the male horse's dad.

That's how it goes. In a horse wedding. Oh, no, the lady horse's dad. The lady horse's dad provides the house. The boy horse's dad. Constant Kitchener, is it? Constant, no, it's the, yeah, it's Constant Kitchener. Peter Craving and...

The Constant Hitchiner. The Constant Hitchiner. The Constant Hitchiner? Where'd the come from? The Constant Craving and the Peter Hitchiner? So where has a wagon led by two horses Yes! Peter Craving and the Constant Hitchiner?

Can one be wearing a bow that looks a little bit male-like? No. Like they just got married. There's a limit. There's a limit to where this... Just itch it on the back of the bow. Just itch it.

There's a limit to this nonsense. There's a limit. Well, we got away with a great deal then. So I'm going to count my blessings. You got away with two horse names. That's it. Quite frankly, I'm happy. Me as well.

With Sir Where's Horses, Peter Craving and the Constant Hitchner. Yes. Yeah. Oh my God, I haven't got enough. You set off. Is your pair of horses just Hitchner? You set off You set off Westwood?

You've got the map No, it's kind of just lying in the middle And no one has it Northwestward towards Jones' Bluff Ready up Did I learn anything in those documents by the way? Did you go over them? They're just like very preliminary Reports reports about jones's bluff and sunson sunson has basically no information

to it it's kind of just like a confirmed death list that's a long list that's pretty much all that they know other than some people who were distantly away were like, ooh, that's a big explosion. Ooh. Oh, gosh. Beryl, did you see that? Did you see that, Errol? Look at that in the distance. That's one of their mushroom clouds.

Where, John? Errol! Errol, you fucking cunt. Whoa. John. John and Errol.. Whoa. John. John, you've changed. John and Errol. That explosion changed John. Seeing that kind of raw power just put something in the one.

You should look in your puzzle box while we've got some time. Give it a go. I hold the puzzle box with my hands and gingerly poke it with my tail. I love gingerly. That's good. Tap it. You open it immediately. That's amazing. Inside is a single gold coin.

Oh, thanks, Steve. Bruce. Catch your bloody ock up, Leathersmith. Steve was the one that we met at the funeral oh my gosh this is so embarrassing for me

no wonder Bruce only gave me a coin uh you it's like a kind of a Rubik's Cube type deal where you gotta like

position all the pieces right there's an intricateness to it where you notice that like it's not just the top layer

but you can see in between the um metal lattice work to a second layer just beneath. And you can tell that when you shift the top layer, the second layer also shifts. And it's about not just getting the top layer aligned right, but the second layer as well. Eventually, you're able to do it. And when you do it, I'm going to say this takes like a day.

So you're a day into your trip. When this happens, you hear a click and the two heart and two halves of it come apart inside is a single gold coin it's minted not of any country that you know of uh what's your languages infernal uh common infernal and thieves can't you uh can't can't can't you uh you don't we're all thinking it like you had to get it out i understand uh you can't place what uh country this is oh this coin is from dad yes in your noble travels um have you come across this coin before not this coin specifically. Dad. Dad, was that a dad joke? Did you just... Oh, my God.

A dad joke, yeah. Do I know of the coin? In your vast journeys... I've been all over. ...from one end of the human nation to the other end, where they only use the one currency, you really have not seen this coin before. Yeah.

Or this coin's like. However, you actually do shine a little bit more light than just Miss Tiffany Gray. Tiffany. Tiffany Tiefling Grace was able to. I hope your middle name is Tiefling. Like Tiffany. Tiefling. You're already writing it down.

What's my last name? Great. That's the one. Tiffany. She's a tiefling. Oh, right. Grace. Oh, crap.

Can you erase ink? No. Nope. We don't know how to do that now that's a name yet do i know that that's my middle name i feel like tiefening tea tiefening it's just a tea i'll tell you when the time is right i'm your biological father also your middle name'sling. I am both your biological father and your biological mother. Popped you out of me.

It was a... No child wants to hear that. It was a gross curse. I'm sorry. I would. Ah, good. I don't know. I think you had a mother.

I kept going to call you Handsome. I knew that wasn't your name How you going handsome? Hector the beautiful, I just tried to emerge them like Her handsome Handsome the beautiful Yep, so With your knowledge of the abyssal language You're able to decipher

Parts of the coin There's a lot of tiny script on it. You know that the coin is not of this plane of existence. It's a flick it back to you. It's a coin from another, like, land, another dimension kind of deal. There are other... What?

Oh, no. So. It's very simple. I didn't have a month to tell me all this, Dad. The struggles of being a single father As you get older Your body's going to go through some changes You're going to see through the fabric of space time Into the astral

That's just normal You're blossoming into a woman That's normal Ancestry from a different plane of existence isn't it? No Once again DNA tested You would show as human. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what has happened is that your blood, as her blood,

has touched or has been influenced by another plane of existence. Okay. Would I have known that? Yeah, you'd probably know a good amount of ancestry. Oh, another plane of existence, kind of like what we're from. Ooh, Hector? Yeah. You're younger than my thing hector yeah you're younger than my dad but maybe you've been to some places that he hasn't let me have a look at the coin

you think you know where the coin is either rolled a one or a 20 yeah yeah yeah anyway yeah it's a um you know how if you go on vacation you can can put a penny in a machine and wind it, and it presses out? You think it's like a souvenir coin from the elven town of Sudea? It could be wrong, but it looks like a souvenir coin from the elven town of Sudea. I don't think that's what it is. You're quite certain? I'm pretty sure it is. Have you ever been to Sedea?

Can we go, Dad? It is a lovely place. Do I know too much about it? You know it's a large trade city? A lot of trade goes through it? Dad, I'm into trade. Can we go? It is a very nice place.

I'm fairly certain it's not. I'm fairly certain it is not I'm fairly certain it is Dad you've never seen it you wouldn't know Can I have another look at it? No you cannot I am very much like no no this is it No no it is what it is You solved it there

Hector well done So Bruce went to the Elven Trade Centre And all I got was this lousy coin Potentially That's the best I guess that's what the Elven Trade Center and all I got was this lousy coin. Potentially. That's the best. You're like, I guess that's what you two believe me. That's what he thought I needed. This cheap souvenir coin.

Maybe he means for you to go there. He did the thing as well where he like Oh, it was her birthday. Like got the puzzle box open It was that or a photo of him on the log flume, right? What a fun carnival town. Maybe he means for you to go there. I'd really like to go, Dad.

Can we go? Vengeance wants to go. Look, don't you vengeance? Can I be vengeance or do you have to be vengeance? I think you have to be vengeance. Don't we want to go, vengeance? Don't we want to go? Is this a trick that you have previously trained your horse to do?

Trick question. I taught her to count with my own hoofs. Did you? Didn't I, vengeance? Vengeance. I thought three clubs was for I vengeance? Vengeance. I thought three clubs was for I do. Vengeance. It is.

Mean memory. Vengeance makes like a snorting and like a tripping sound that like no one here can not mistake as the definite sounds of a horse not agreeing with you. I don't know why you thought a horse's affirmations would make me more likely to take you, but you can go. I'm not stopping you. Nothing I love, love me back. I don't think it is the town she wants to go to, but perhaps she wants to go with you.

Tell me how to raise my daughter. Not at all. I look up from under my hood with big eyes. Just giving maybe a polite suggestion. What's that in the distance? I think it's the town, says Sir Ware. Very tired of this conversation.

Thank you, Sir Ware. Yep, it looks like the town up ahead. I'll scout ahead, everyone. It's another day's travel. It's definitely not the town. I make my point by scouting ahead. I swallow really hard. I just... I'm so sorry. Just apologize.

I don't respond so I don't cry. Try to teach me how to raise my daughter. I'm doing it fine. You don't know my story. You didn't raise your daughter. That's the point. It's all gonna come to a head. It's all gonna come to a head.'s all gonna come to it's gonna get

ugly i feel the tension it's in my throat i can't breathe so where um uh so over the next day yeah and a bit so where uh and his wagon keep you all very well fed and watered you don't want for anything you're even able to sleep in the... The wagon has like a bit of an overhang. So at night, you just drag everything out of the wagon and you're actually able to sleep in it without too much trouble. In that night, Hector, you receive

a vision from your patron, shall we say. The Daver... Galadia. Galadia. She appears to you. As per usual, she's like 10 stories high As tall as a hill You're simply dwarfed by her Completely minuscule in her presence

She both whispers and sings to you at the same time So it's like a quiet whispered song Do you want to whisper it and I'll sing it? No If you repeat anything I say I swear to God, Jack Do you want to whisper it and I'll sing it? No. If you repeat anything I say, I swear to God, Jack. You whisper it. I swear to fucking God. I'm actually going to put my hands over my mouth because I don't even trust myself.

We all want to sing it, but yes. There is a great evil upon this place. Uh-huh. I swear to God, Jack. If you do anything. I'm feeling good. There is a great evil upon this place. Uh-huh. I swear to God, Jack. If you do anything... I'm being good. Just do it. There is a great, tremendous evil upon this place.

The veil here between the material plane and other planes of existence is thin. The evil threatens to burst the veil. Burst the veil? You must. There is a tremendous evil. You must stop this. Are you singing now? I sang a little bit.

If Adam's allowed, I'm allowed. You must. Don't try to pan at my precious head Implying that your head is more precious than other parts of your body Where all the business is kept Like it's where all the good stuff is Everything knack down is a junk You could still podcast if you were a head in the junk

I could Head with little spider legs Mechanical spider legs Oh we would not give you spider legs Why is it to such mischief? We'd have spider legs Jackson if we could immobilize you in any way possible We'd appreciate that

Zaman give me spider legs I want a break No Shut up and talk to Mike Sometimes when you're in bed And Zaman and I are still up We have conversations about how we might cripple you And make it look like an accident.

I can imagine coming out of the bedroom in the morning, you just hit me with a belly club. Oh, who did that? Cops come round, it could have been anyone. I don't know what happened. Perfect. Do you have anyone who...

The cops let it slide. Look, nothing we can do buddy Unless you can give us A description It was all too fast I think he might have been Wearing a mask He had a dog with him

I think It could have been He was wearing that Super gym friend shirt That's going around You know those people Rocking that shirt You know what I'm saying

Yeah they look very much like Hey Zammett come here Look come on this guy But I don't think it was Zammett Couldn't have been him He's my good friend they look very much like, hey, Zammett, come here. Look kind of like this guy. But I don't think it was Zammett. It couldn't have been him. He's my good friend. It couldn't have been Zammett, because Zammett was right in front of me. We could get onto that real quick.

Adam wasn't there, but Zammett says he was in the toilet. I didn't really see, but that's a place I know he's been. He just likes to use the toilet. He's done it before, officer. Really sounds like your friend Adam hit you with a billy club. No, no, no. Adam, please stop interrupting. Please rule him out, officer.

Anyway. Right, so, vision from Galadia. Yeah, you kind of like Wake up in a cold sweat After that It'll be like Midnight There is a tremendous evil

Okay Did she give me any kind of Like a sense of direction Of where Or just around You're It's just basically Evil present

She's actually Despite what she appears She's not omnipotent Yep She doesn't know everything She gives you whatever information she can Gotcha Right

Stop the info She's as big as a hill We should call her Hilda I'm sorry Hilda She has a name You apologise for that right off That's really impressive

Appreciate it If you can talk I wish Jackson I felt like you would have apologised in the middle You could, I'm sorry I've called her Hilda Would you call me? I felt like you would have apologised in the middle. You'd be damn sorry if Kulder held off. What did you call me? I didn't call you anything

other than beautiful. I heard my name, that's all. I'm the beautiful. Shit. I'm going to scribble so much away. Right. Midnight. Do I go back to sleep soundly

or do I stay up all night being like, shit. That's up to you, Matt. I will stay up all night. All right. Maybe I'll pour through those names of the list of anything that comes to, do I know any of these people that, any kind of hints or clues or anything like whatever happened in these things,

or even reports on. clues or anything like whatever happened in these things or even reports on uh well you see the name of um sir howard clark among the dead listed and you know you knew sir howard clark is um or like now at least you know howard clark is their son um you also probably know notice the name Baron Daniel Smith Who was the local lord at Sunsen Baron Daniel Smith You knew literally nothing about him Other than he was the local lord

You go through Jones' Bluff It's kind of just a military Almost style after action report From the Captain of the City Watch there Talking about how the orcs Kind of swept in in attacked everyone it seems like from the reports that um the host the uh attacking force was not nearly as big as you might have first imagined so jones's bluff population was roughly 30k but you have to understand that like 50 of

those are women and then like another like 50 of kids so you got 5 000 adult males cut out a bit of that for like the elderly and you've only got 4 000000 fighting people, it took only 500 enemy hosts to drive them out. So not nearly as much as you would have suspected. From the reports as well, they seemed very organized, which is insanely uncharacteristic for goblins and orcs and stuff like that. To organize 500 in one group is kind of a big deal. Would I think there's either an orc trying to like unite the clans or like some kind of mastermind behind this?

From the report, it's hard to tell. It could be a helm as described previously, just very charismatic. But it's hard to believe that such a sickly person would be like... Orcs value strength. No matter how charismatic he is, if they could beat the shit out of him very easily in a fight, he probably wouldn't rule for very long. Oh, understandable.

He might... It's like well within reason that he would have, you know, someone else helping him. Someone stronger. I'd like to hear. That'll be my night. And while I wait for these people to wake up. I sleep soundly.

I also sleep soundly. I dream of vengeance. The horse? Yeah. Oh, good. You count vengances in your sleep. No, no, it's a nice vengeance dream. One of the good ones.

The good kind of vengeance. Is that the one about the horse? How could it be a bear to dream about a horse? It's like dying or something, you know? Anything beautiful can be corrupted. That's true. Oh, no. And vengeance will leave you just like your father did.

Am I going to try to kill that horse? I'm still here. Maybe. I'm being a fine man. You give a little bit of an eye twitch. Like, I can't even comprehend this, Adam. I can't comprehend losing my horse. It's just...

You've changed one vengeance for a different vengeance, and that's kind of sweet. No, I've got the real vengeance also. I've got the brain vengeance and the steed vengeance. They come together to bring me victory. I don't know what my life's purpose will be after that, but frankly, I can't see past it. Hey, you're goal-orientated.

That's all right. Brain vengeance is a real good phrase. Got that brain vengeance. So, you finally arrive at Jones's Bluff, or what's left of Jones's Bluff. The city has been just destroyed. There's no people left here anymore. And the Orc and Goblin hosts, when they came through, they didn't leave much.

There's a few standing buildings, but those standing buildings only are there because they were made of stone and so didn't burn down when the rest of the city did. You kind of just just i assume you enter the what's you know the wreckage yeah yeah sort of uh uh i guess hitch the the craving hitch you know yeah hitch hitch you probably hitch those horses a little bit out of town and make your way in on foot there was no wall to the town so so people just came in and out as they pleased. I just need to get this right. The Craving Hitchiner. The Craving Hitchiner is the name of the wagon. Peter Craving.

Peter Craving. And the Constant Hitchiner. That. Peter Craving. I don't know where the came from. The Constant Craving? Hitch. Which was originally going to be the name of the wagon? No, the horse. The Constant Hitchiner and Peter Craven will hitch up

and then we'll walk into town. You hitch up your horses as well? Yeah. I give Radney a carrot. You give Radney... Oh, you're right. I'm like, do you have a hanger on? I didn't know. Radney.

New NPC. So Richard Ware hops off his wagon, and he gets one of his servants to help him into his set of armor, which he kind of spills out of a little bit. Oh, I was like Richard. Oh, unky dick. Unky dick. They have to, like, he has to put on a girdle first

before they can get on the armor. Oh, that makes me happy. We have to also doff our armor, don't we? Yeah. I don my armor. Oh, yeah. Don is on, doff is off. Yeah?

Yeah. Don. I also don my armor. You don your armor and you doff your cap to someone. That's how you remember. At graduation, you doff. There cap to someone. That's how you remember. As graduation, you doth. There's a dolphin. And then at the party after, you doth!

What's it called when you take off your armor? Removing your armor. Remove, doth. You can doth your armor or you can doth your cap. Yeah, but doth just probably means to take off. To doth your cap to someone is an expression. I doff my cap to you. Okay.

Yeah. I doff my armor, Adam. And then we walk. It takes you a minute. I put my armor on. It takes literally 60 seconds exactly, because that's how D&D works. I put on my armor. It's good leather armor.

I made it. It's beautiful. Everyone's jealous. It's really nice armor you have there. Thanks. I made it. It's beautiful. Everyone's jealous. It's really nice armor you have there. Thanks. I made it myself. That was a good education you got. Thank you for my education, Dad.

And your approval. That's why we were pushed. Don't even worry. You got some issues there. It's fine, Unky Dick. We're good. Hush now, Dick. It's not your place. You know, my wife don't hush me.

Fair enough, Dick. All right. You mosey on into town. As you're walking through, you can see the first thing that you notice is because this was the road towards Fairburn Point, there's a lot of just deleterious all over the ground from people in their haste to leave. A lot of people were cut down on their way out, and so you're trampling on a lot of bodies.

It's actually hard to avoid not stepping on a corpse. Has there not been a cleanup crew through here at all? No one's been able to. Dad, the cleanup crew left. What? When? There's probably some cleanup. Dad, the cleanup crew left. What? When? There's probably some cleanup crew still on the ground. I think you're saying that the cleanup crew fled.

Right. Well, that's a working ship. So Ware bends down with some difficulty and picks up a child's toy, maybe like a toy soldier or something like that. Maybe a little blood stain you're making everyone sad he um doesn't say anything he just considers it for a moment before putting it back down and you guys continue on in the center of town from what you assume to be bits and pieces of the houses that were nearby series a series of um stockades not stockades, where you hang someone. That's a stockade?

Gallows. A series of gallows have been constructed, and many bodies have been hung upon the gallows. You see other things, like beheading blocks and a lot of heads piled in the centre. This is pretty involved for orcs. This is... Piles of dead bodies.

Some seem to have been pushed off a height onto skewers and such. I do not think the orcs acted clearly alone. This sounds excessive. Unnecessarily. You see dozens of people crucified.

This seems really involved for orcs. These actions are not somebody just trying to kill someone. There's a lot of. Can we look at sort of the, if there's like what kind of the wounds were or like the attacks, if it was exactly like, you know,

what we expect from Orcs or what we might think from, you know what I mean? Like investigate a black like this scene. Always end on end. Bat on piss. And you're blood red. Blood. Piss.

Like the colour of your almost skin. Yeah. No, she's blue. I said almost. It could have been red. Oh, my almost skin. No, that's fair. Everybody has a skin and an almost skin.

Yeah. All four of you. Dab-a-dee-dab-a-die. Dab-a-dee-dab-a-die. Dab-a-dee-dab-a-die. All four of you All four of you Including Sir Ware When you're inspecting the bodies You can tell that the Those who weren't killed in grotesque manners

Those who were just cut down Were cut down with ragged, awful Wicked looking weapons Or what you imagine to be such weapons weapons that weren't properly sharpened weapons that were fashioned largely from just like whatever crude metal would have been at hand and you know that is orcish blade i don't know why orcs can't bloody make a proper weapon no time well it's part because they're always on the move partially because they have no like

skilled history of blacksmithy and partially because you think they am you imagine them to enjoy the pain that comes with hitting someone with a partially blunt weapon i look down on the weapons and just a bit of like i'm from a guild and i respect those and other guilds and we don't have anything against the blacksmiths at the moment I feel sad that these people weren't at least blessed with a nice blade they deserved better. You're mad at the craftsmanship So where turns around and says that's very

gruesome of you to say I didn't say that, that was an inside thought So where turns around and then says that was very gruesome of you to think So where, get out of my get out of my mind I thought. So Wes turns around and then says, that was very gruesome of you to think. So Wes, get out of my mind. Okay.

Is there any signs of like recent activity? Yes. You scan the aerial? Give it a bit of a scan. Scan that horizon. What is going on? Give it a bit of a squeeze. Give it a bit of a squeeze. Give it a bit of a squeeze. Give it a bit of a squeeze. Give it a bit of a squeeze. Give it a bit of a squeeze.

Give it a bit of a squeeze. Give it a bit of a squeeze. Give it a bit of a squeeze. Ah-ba-dee-ba-ba-da. Ah-da-ba-dee. Perfect. That would be a really little choir song, you know what I mean? It's almost a whole bunch of people like...

In a round. Ah-ba-dee-ba-ba-da. Oh, man. Why has that not happened? I feel like someone should have already done that. We should look it up later. Yep. around. Oh man, why has that not happened? I feel like someone should have already done that. We should look it up later. But right now it is happening.

Sir Hector, you wander a little a ways from where the other three are. You walk down like a main street. The bare remains of a few burnt out buildings around you. You bend down to shuffle through some ash and as you do that you notice tracks fresh tracks this is interesting made

within maybe within the last day when you do that you come back up and you come eye to eye not maybe 60 feet away from you but in one of the wreckages of a building with a creature it looks like half man half hyena it's see at first it was stalking towards you but when you lock eyes with it it stops you can see it's wearing kind of like tribal armor almost like a like hide armor. It's on all fours with one hand reaching out and the other hand clutching a spear just at its side. When it sees that you're seeing it, not only does it freeze, but you can tell its spear arm is twitching, ready to strike. Then you hear like sort of some rocks scrabbling to your left. You turn around and you see another one of the creatures slowly stalking on two legs, moving in

between the buildings. You hear it again to your right. You turn around and you notice that you're surrounded. There's at least eight of them. Oh no. Draw my sword. Right there. Careful combat. Come on then.

Don't make a bloody show of it. Jeez. Goodness. That sounds promising. Yeah, but for who? I like to think the Nulls. Me too. That's giving you grief, Adam. What's got your goat?

What's got your goat? Who took your goat? Where's the goat? You'll never find it the goat's somewhere you can't get to in my mind batman wanted it for the milk because he was going on like a health kick yeah there was no humor between sam and jackson at that gag and that was good i just i tried to envision a scenario where I could, like, make sense of it, and it was that Batman was buying a goat because he was doing, like, a healthy, you know, like organic, it's from your own home kind of thing, and that's where he was getting offered to get the milk now.

That makes sense. I got there. He became allergic to the proteins in cow's milk but not lactose and found in other milks. I found an alternate source. He didn't really like soy milk, so he tried goat's milk. The real problem with it is that Batman, or Bruce Wayne, being a very wealthy gentleman, only had one goat.

He was trying to be extra sustainable. He didn't want to take more goats. He's one man, I guess. He's just a man. He's just a man. Alfred's taking cow milk. Alfred is not getting the word. Alfred loves a glass of milk.

A cold glass of milk before bed? Forget about it. He fucking loves that. A cold cup of cow. Yeah. We call him fucking old Moo Juice Alfred. That's what we call him. That's what we call him.

The Dairy King. That's Alfred. The D in Alfred stands for dairy. Alfred Dairy. Alfred Dairy-ed. At the the back they've got just one cow one goat that's how the Wayne Manor operates they're best friends

they are they're good mates but it's weird because he raised him so it's like being mates with your dad I wish I was mates with my dad brought it back yes when you said they're best friends I thought you were talking about the cow and the goat I assume you were I wish I was mates with my dad. Brought it back. Yes.

Also, when you said they're best friends, I thought you were talking about the cow and the goat. I assume you were. Yes. It's very funny from you. You raised him. I thought you were talking about Alfred and the goat. What? I thought you meant the cow and the goat,

and I was like, I guess the cow could raise the goat. Why did you blindly accept that the cow raised the goat? Because Alfred had the cow, like Bruce's thing's new like it's a new health kit but I imagine the cow's bigger four of the creatures, the hyena creatures are scramble among the wreckage

so that they're in places of height against you and all four of them draw long bows and train their bows at you they fire with rapid succession. Two of the arrows strike you. One in the chest, one in the thigh.

You take a total of 11 points of damage from them. Okay. That is fine. Then, four more of them charge you. How many spells? Three slam into you, and with their spears, they try to sort of...

Well, they use pack tactics. So, while one of them is attacking you from one side, another will attack from the other to try and divide your attention. And they do that with expert ease, like they're natural hunters. Gotcha. None of them are able to score a proper hit. I do not think so. But then one of them, slightly larger than the rest, and this one with an elaborate headdress made of feathers

and you think maybe bones, but maybe not human bones. It's hard to tell in and among all the feathers. Lunges at you. It hisses at you in a language you don't understand but you assume it has something to do with the other creatures. Or it's trying to talk to the other creatures. Gotcha. It tries to sort of move past them to chomp down at you

but it's far too eager and so it ignores the other three and their carefully crafted combat. You're able to... Do you use a shield? You don't use a shield. You're able to grab its maw and fucking knee it in the face because of its over-eagerness.

It seems staggered for a moment. Then it's your turn, Hector. I will die, but not today. I'm going to use my bonus action to cast Searing Smite. Man, why is my initiative negative one? Oh, because I know it's based on... Yep, I'm there as well.

Yep, classic. Yep, then you need to make a melee attack. So you cast Searing Light as a goal? Searing Smite. Searing Smite. Your sword glows with a holy energy and feels hot to the touch, but not too hot that you can't wield it. And you attack.

Then I'm going to attack twice. Your first attack hits. Your second attack is a miss. I'm going to attack the big guy. Yeah. Big guy. You deal 18 points of damage to him, and he's set ablaze with holy light. Every round, he'll take a D6 damage from being on fire,

unless he makes a constitution-saving throw to prevent himself to not be on fire. Tiffany, you hear the sounds of combat. You whip around and you can see your friend or if you consider him an enemy, whatever. Hector is, regardless, surrounded by hyena creatures. I think to myself, oh, my friend. There, now

we know. Now finally I'm aware. I just didn't want to assume, you know. No, nothing. That's nice of you. I've got to go get him. I just didn't want to assume, you know? No, no. That's nice of you. I've got to go get him. I say, Dad, look! I'll whip around.

Can I use my witch bolt? How far away? Can I run and shoot a witch bolt at him? Yeah, with your cunning action you can, actually. Aha! Aha! Twiddle my moustache! My cunning action! Do you have a moustache?

It's part of your teeth. This is Meta me having a moustache? Do you have a moustache? It's part of your teeth. This is Meta me having a moustache. Do you have a moustache? Not in game. There's three levels of cats. The one with the moustache is floating above all of us. Watching over us. Meta Jackson doesn't have a moustache.

Goodness. He's just got a beard. He's Amish. He's of the Amish faith. Sometimes the sky is clear and I can see in moustache. Goodness. He's just got a beard. He's Amish. He's of the Amish faith. Sometimes the sky is clear and I can see in through to heaven. Yeah. And I see Elvis waving down at me. Adam, that's beautiful.

Thank you. I'm just talking about MetaRossos. I use my cunning... Action to get there. Action! Right! I forget I roll these things. And after all that,

you miss. I don't follow anything, though? Sorry? I just miss? You just miss. Okay. You cast the electric. With just, like, a deft hand of your move, you just grab a knife. And stab!

Stab your dad again. Now I'm suspicious as I miss I sneeze and fall and my mage hand shoots out and slaps dad it just falls out of you like falling out of your pocket like it comes out of my nose it lightens me

stab the electricity just cackles and leaps all over the place without striking anyone. Oh, that's embarrassing. Everyone saw what I tried to do. The hyena creatures seem somewhat freaked out by the display of magic, both from Hector and from you, Tiffany. And they don't scatter, but they're a bit more wary now when they go in for the attack.

They split their attention. So two of them fire at Tiffany with the ones with the longbows. One hits. Tiffany, you take... Tiffany, you take 6 points of damage ow ah gee whiz

dad they're getting me oh dad I just took 12 points of damage dad please come help come back to me when you've taken 24 can never be good enough for you. Two of them fire at Sir Hector. One hits, dealing

seven points of damage to Sir Hector. Sons of bitches. Then, two of them with spears close in on Tiffany. I'm gonna have to save my daughter. You're gonna have to. Dad, I'm stuck to have to save my daughter You're going to have to Dad, I'm stuck being attacked

Who will save me? Hector, you can't Hector, you're not allowed Get away, get away Oh my god, you're embarrassing me I felt the beast I don't know, this is a weird business I'm going to leave. Mellie, stop eating your own arsehole.

She's cleaning herself. There's several places in your body to clean. You don't have to always go for the butthole, Mellie. It might be the dirtiest place on the dog. I guess dogs can't wipe. Well, they can. With their tongue? I guess. Just understand wipe. Well, they can. With their tongue out. I guess. Just understand I'm very unhappy.

She'd learn how to speak dogs so you can tell her. But she'd be like, Jackson, that's the only way I can get it clean. She's like, you're going to wipe me? I mean, no. Big boy with big papers to wipe me with? Is that what's happening? Mally, look, I'm happy big papers to wipe me with? Is that what's happening? Mally, look, if you're just going to... I'm happy for you to wipe paper.

Gross. The two hyena creatures that close in on you, Tiffany, just launch into this dizzying array of attacks and blows. You're used to fighting when you have the advantage, not when they have the advantage. And the practiced attacks of ducking, fainting, and waiting till your enemy is distracted

are finally used against you. Perhaps you wonder, oh, is this what I've done to other people previously? You take, between their attacks, 41 points of damage. Oh, God! Dropping you to one hit point.

Oh, jeez. No. Oh, okay. Vengeance. Vengeance, come for me. Slash dad. Slash dad. Imagine if the horse saved you and I didn't.

Oh, I really would put my eggs in the horse's basket right now. Track record going. It's alright. If I don't save you, the horse will. That's horse loyalty right there. Now I reckon I can... That is horse power. Fuck, horses are powerful.

They're muscles. But will horse power be enough to save Tiffany, or will her father have to step up for once? Find out next time on The Search for a Helm, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter,

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