D&D is For Nerds - The Search for A'Helm #5 A Knoll Patrol

Episode Date: March 24, 2018

In which our heroes cast Witch Bolt on Eyeballs McGee (wearing the latest arcana weave).Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeCass: https://twitter.com/JacksonBBalyJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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They seem to have possibly determined that this fight is harder than they were originally expecting. While they have numbers on you, they don't seem to have you outmanned necessarily, if you know what I mean. What's that called when it's a horse-drawn carriage? Carriage. There we go. What's caravan? Wagon. Wagon's east.

Good film. Carriage. There we go. A caravan. Wagon. Wagon's east. Good film. So. Not very. Like, wake up hearing some sobbing and maybe try and comfort young little Tiffany here. It is okay. He doesn't mean what he says. I do. Oh, if you're in, is he one of yours?

Why, yes. This is my compatriot. His name is Odell Shieldcracker. Oh. Odell, introduce yourself. It's a dwarf name. Odell gives a slight bow, but he never takes his eyes off you. Honestly, Tiffany, he's going to propose something.

Probably going to say yes. Look at Hector, the eye, like, yeah? I roll my eyes, and I'm like, this is all just foreplay, Tiffany, right now. If I'm reading the situation correct, you almost want to marry her off. Dad, oh my god. We follow.

I skip. You stalk silently through the forest with Adele, the dwarven assassin. At a point a little bit further into the forest, he motions like, shh. And, you know, to keep low, we duck down. motions like shh and you know to keep low I creep with him a little bit further and you can actually hear the sound the snarling sounds of what you assume

to be gnolls up ahead Everyone makes a sneaky roll checking out the gnoll patrol I'm just imagining little goggles with Shannon Gnoll's face and goatee

That's terrifying You don't so much sneak through the woods As you do more stumble through the woods Especially notable cases are Sir Richard Ware And our good friend Sir Hector You're clunky and big, front The former of whom, latter, sorry The latter of whom has latter, sorry, the latter of whom,

has all the grace of a cat whose legs have been tied together. I'm pretty. I'm not very graceful. I wasn't done. Stuffed into a bag. The cat's okay. It's a metaphorical cat, people. Relax.

Cats are harmed. You are very lucky, however Because gnolls are not normally Very perceptive And in this instance, they're actually quite distracted Wait, by what? Oh no You encounter them With the remains of maybe a family

You're not sure The um The bodies are quite twisted and mangled. They look like they've been dragged here, possibly from the town. And the gnolls have... It wouldn't be a suitcase, but, like, I guess the medieval equivalent. Like, you know, these people... A trunk.

Yeah, something like a trunk. These people have been, you would suppose maybe, escaping from the carnage of the town, had gotten picked up by these gnolls, and now the gnolls have finished with the bodies, and they're going through their stuff. There's this one big gnoll kind of in the middle who's shoving others out of the way, as he tries to break open a trunk and throw clothes everywhere. There's six of them in total, And throw clothes everywhere. There's six of them in total.

One, that big one, and then five smaller ones. The big one, you notice, has this weird eye print on the side of his head. It's not a tattoo. It looks like some sort of magical arcane mark. And his eyes are a little bit glassy. Mystery. How many of them are there? There's six in total. The big one, and then five others. and they haven't noticed us yet no there's one one of the smaller ones seems to be like assessing whether

or not one of these bodies is good for eating you think maybe he's quite close to you guys and actually has his back turned all of these gnolls seem quite unaware of their surroundings so if i cast a spell now that would probably give us away. The one closest to you guys would probably get a check to hear it, but the other ones are probably too... You, like, don't think they're active enough to notice? If I were to whisper to my travellers and dad, would everyone hear me?

And would they hear me? If you whisper, you doubt anyone other than your friends are going to hear you Okay Guys, what's the mark on his face? Do I know? Can someone Does anyone have good arcana? I've only got three

So Grace, if you knew arcana You wouldn't have made that deal to get your magic That's true Yeah Like, it's some magical mark You knew Arcana. You wouldn't have made that deal to get your magic. That's true. Yeah. Like, it's some magical mark. It's definitely magical. Magic, probably. Whatever it is, it's unknown to you.

I want to look back at it. I magic, I reckon. Can I squint real hard and try and see and do an Arcana check? I've only got three. Oh, that rhymes. May I squint real hard so I can see i only have arcana three well you can tell it's it's a bit hard to tell exactly because the gnolls are you know not a familiar creature to you and if it talks it obviously doesn't talk in a language you understand but you actually some

of the things that this knoll is doing and some of the things that you noticed so terry burr you remember the mind addled night back in the back in town yeah you noticed you're noticing some similarities there actually another mind control lad guys he reminds me of terry burr lad. Guys, he reminds me of Terry Burr. Oh man, you're so right. Odell grunts. Shh! Can he whisper grunts?

Doesn't really need a whisper. Grunting is kind of quiet on its own. How is this for a plan? I'm going to cast a blessing for us and then we will go into we can either attack and just charge in, or we could try to pick them off.

What if we flank them? Yes. Yeah. Adele waves his hand to grab attention. He picks up a rock just off the ground, hefts it a little bit, and sort of gestures a little bit off to the side and then to the knoll

on its own oh yeah that's not a bad idea rock give him the like thumbs up good idea yeah get him it'll chucks the rock somewhere like away from you guys but also away from the encampment it strikes somewhere makes a little bit of noise the knoll looks up and uh he's obviously heard the noise uh can i get a highs or lows? Highs, always go highs Yeah, always go highs Always go highs, that's the trick Who said lows last time?

The trick changes A tricky trick So I either got No, we do not change At all, we stay where we are I either got 37. No, we do not change at all. We stay where we are, Adam. I either got 37 or 73. Would you like me to re-roll?

No. All right. The gnoll looks over at where the rock struck, shrugs his head as if it were nothing, and then goes back to what he was doing. Good one, Odell. Really clever. His name is Odell, but I can't correct you. Because the only

NPC there other than him is Richard Ware, and as if Richard Ware either cares or knows, Richard Ware probably told you that his name was Adele when you asked. I'm going to change that to an A. Adele. Our good friend Adele. Hello.

It's me. Happy 100th. Anyway. I say we flank him. I say two of us go around the back. You go around here and we make a signal or whatever and we just. Can we just. Can we.

If we just. We've got crossbows. We don't have to get close. They're just hyena men. Whatever. Me and you. We are. Nose is nose. They're just hyena men. Whatever. Me and you. We are. Nulls is nulls.

Me, you, and what's his name? Unkydick. Unkydick. We should, like, we'll get Tiffany and Adele, and they can flank while we take the brunt. Get them to attack us, and they come from behind. Yeah, yeah, sounds good. Because we want them to attack us.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Yeah, sure. Cool. I use bless as a second level spell and bless all of us except for Adele. Gotcha, Adele. I can only do four. I'm sorry, Adele.

Adele's tough. Yes. Cool. And then what's the plan, sorry? So Tiffany and Adele are going to go around to the sides and we're going to burst out And we'll do it Attack the one closest to us

And be like come on dickheads A classic We're going to get flanky while they get stanky There it is We're going to get so stanky Adam You have no idea Do you guys have a point of initiative incidentally? What?

I'm not an initiative sorry inspiration You have a point of initiative, incidentally? What? Not initiative, sorry, inspiration. Yes. You have a point of inspiration? I do not. You do not do. I have one. All right, just letting you know. You can use a point of inspiration to, well, you are going to fail, Tiffany,

unless someone helps you with a point of inspiration. You said you had one? I have one point, yes. You may use it to do a re-roll so that you don't fail or you can save it for later or someone else can help you out. I'm going to use my point of inspiration because I don't want to let the team down. You succeed. You and Odell make it all the way around the camp without attracting any suspicion.

You find this nice, really secretive part in a bush where you can slide out into the clearing very easily, but no one can see you from where you are. Like the reverse Homer Bush. Yes. Yes. Put a classic reverse Homer Bush. I have no idea what she's talking about. No, I know exactly what's going on.

I say that whole thing in Infernal. I can understand that, and I still don't know what that means. So I guess you give them like 10, 15 minutes to get in the position, and then you attack. Yep. Or what exactly do you want to do? How do you organize yourself? Hang on, it takes them 10, 15 minutes?

Oh, like you're going to give them some time? Yeah, okay, I don't bless them then. Because otherwise there's... It's only for a minute. I bless us, the three boys who were there to attack. You don't get blessed, I'm sorry. That's fine. That's not like I've ever been blessed in my life.

Would it even work? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It's funny because you aren't blessed. Would it take a blessing on a tea flake? Yes, it would. Imagine it's like magical dust falling down, but instead of vanishing into me and giving me a glow,

it just sits on top. When you're expecting something to soak in, you're like, it's not absorbing. It's like when you wet a flannel and then the water just bounces off for a bit and you're like, look, I know you're expecting something to soak in, you're like, it's not absorbing. It's like when you wet a flannel and then the water just bounces off for a bit and you're like, look, I know you're a flannel. I know what you're going to roll for. This is wrong.

You guys keep chatting among yourselves. I'm just going to roll for when initiative inevitably needs to happen. In or out of character. So, yeah, just like... Can we pretend to be our characters playing a similar game? A game of... Gnomes and gnomes. Gnomes and what?

Gnomes. Gnomes and gnomes. It's a friendly game of gnomes and gnomes. Okay. I'm going to be a... I didn't say knob. I said gnomes and gnomes. Gnomes and knobs.

Or gnomes and knobs. A friendly game of gnomes and knobs. I will play a level say knob. I said gnomes and knobs. Gnomes and knobs. Or gnomes and knobs. A friendly game of gnomes and knobs. I will play a level three knob. Anybody else just imagining a doorknob? Because that's what I wrote, like with arms and legs. Like casting one onto the table like you were throwing a marble. It just sort of like rolls for a second. High score!

That's a game of gnomes and knobs. Anyway. Yeah, so we give them about 50 minutes to get into place tell them like 50 minutes 15 uh and yeah when we attack wait a bit and then attack make sure that they're coming towards us before you attack okay so and do you want to just all three of you dog pile on this first no or does somebody want to just try to clear the area and get to the other gnoll? I'll clear the area and get to it. You can do whatever. Do you want me to try and...

What are we going to do with eyeballs, McGee? I feel you've probably split up at this point. Yeah, good point. I try and use infernal sign language. ISL. Unfortunately, it does require... ISL Unfortunately it does require

ISL? ISL, Infernal Oh, what does A then stand for? American Australian or American Australian is Auslan because ASL is already American Oh, there you go Yeah, okay, I'll charge into the lads

You and Unky Dick Just dogpile that McGoggins Because you can hopefully Alright then You and Unky Dick just dogpile that gnoll. McGuggins. Yep. Because you got magic. All right, then. Richard Webb bursts out from where you guys are coming. He's still got that big old bit of wood, and he's going to use that.

Of course he does. You two attack on him. Why did we not notice he was still carrying it? For quite a bit, he must have been dragging that bit of wood, and that's awesome. He attempts to clobber the knoll Over its head He hits

Oh yeah He slams Oh wait actually because it's a surprise attack He slams the bit of wood into the back of the knoll's head Catching it completely by surprise Oh yes and also Yeah blessing Oh yeah I did good You did it Catching it completely by surprise. Oh, yes, and also, yeah. Yeah, blessing. Woo, bless.

Oh, yeah. I did good. You did it. You did it. I blessed everyone but the tiefling and the gross Adele thing. Yep. I hope those aren't for similar reasons. Ha, ha, ha.

See, you've put me in a category of the thing that's gross and no one loves. That's fine. It's not like I think of you as cool at all what a happy family we are bang there's this terrific crack as part of the wood splinters into the back of the knoll's head the knoll drops the body of the person it was holding, and as it stumbles forward a little bit, So Where hefts the block of wood in both hands, raises it as high as he can,

and brings it down on the gnoll's head. There's another terrific crack. The wood splinters into a dozen pieces out of Where's hands into the gnoll. The gnoll crumples forward and lies very still. Amazing. Didn't even use the dog pile.

Grace, it's your turn. You know what, then I'll just drive my spear into the fella. The big guy? You want to charge into the middle? Alright. You charge into the middle. I'm trying my very best not to damage any leather. I'm looking for an opening as I bring the spear into the gullet. And maybe I'm yelling, it bugs me that

you're hyena people but you're not scavengers. That seems like an ideologically like opposed element of what you are. Does that bug anyone? You don't know if they killed these people. Maybe they did scavenge

But I've been attacked by them So no Also they don't seem to laugh very much When was the last time I heard a gnoll give a hyena's cackle? Why do they even look like hyenas? Only you can tell me when the last time you heard it happened Never Do hyenas exist in your world Adam?

I guess they would yeah You meant real life? No, make-believe me, Will. That's even more annoying. I know. You cry out to the gods, why are these not like hyenas? And the gods are like, a who? Like what?

A hy-what? A hyena? You stab upwards into the gong leader or whatever you want to call him. You definitely miss any leather that could be useful, but you also miss anything major somehow hitting the part of the neck that does not contain anything special. Maybe your spear cleanly goes through a jugular and the windpipe somehow. That's the best. You deal five points of damage and the gnaw bleeds a little bit. Is he on my spear?

He is. He turns around to face you. You can see his cold, glassy eyes. And it looks like he's not, like, he doesn't care that he just got skewered. Then it is Hector's turn. All right. it. Then it is Hector's turn.

Can I charge up cast Thunderous Smite on my weapon and attack the gang leader as well? Great sword, I assume? The one I'm giving the business to. The hole. That's not a good face.

I think I did bad perhaps how's the lows? oh no I want to say definitely highs? yes

okay I either got 55 or 3 would you like me to re-roll? never re-roll nah

never re-roll re-roll re-roll damn it clever actually 55 Never re-roll. Nah. Never re-roll. Re-roll. Re-roll. Damn it. Clever. Actually, 55 was not great either. Yeah, I was going to say, both are kind of... Oh, fuck. I'm sorry.

You hit Sir Grace. No. That's what I get for being in front. When the big guy turns around, Sir Grace gets shifted where he is. And so your thunderous smite hits Sir Grace square in the back. He just got to send you flying. All right. So.

I would love to hellish rebuke you. Just infighting. Somewhere, distantly, there's a old dilapidated castle. Okay. Excited by this story. Standing at the parapets, standing upon the parapets, gazing lazily around the forest is a young orc.

He's, you know, sort of just coming to his own. He's been given his first weapon ever only a couple weeks ago. That's adorable. And he looks, he doesn't know it, but he's actually looking at the specific part of the forest that you guys are in. And he's quite astonished when a massive burst of energy flattens all the trees in a 300 feet radius.

Oh, boy. So, first, a couple things happen. First, so, Grace, you feel a crippling pain in your back as you take... I am so sorry, friend. I feel like this is a long time coming. Six points of regular damage. I feel like this was an accident, but it was also like an accident in quotation marks. Like, it is an accident, but I am not that mad it happened.

Yeah. Plus 10 points of thunder damage. So 16 damage in total. Just letting you know, I'm going to use that again next turn too. That's fine. That's fine. What up? What up?

It's fine. The force of the blast Throws you 10 feet Into the gnoll Does it damage the gnoll Because my spear's in his neck It doesn't well actually there will be some damage Both of you go tumbling

Hey that's alright You take a further 3 points of damage From being slammed into him extremely hard. He also takes that damage. That's not too bad. I see this all happen to Dad. Have a violent flashback of the time I accidentally stabbed him with my mage hand

and feel my stomach knot. Why does everyone accidentally hurt me? It's funny. It's like a subconscious thing. It's like, you weren't there for me, Dad. I'm like, you're being a piece of shit. You just dish out so much emotional damage that all of our magic just goes a bit awry.

It's like we've got like a magic subconscious and an actual subconscious, and the magic subconscious is like, it's fine. It's fine. Just aim in that direction if he gets hit. He gets hit. The gods will it. Adele bursts from

his point of cover and sprints towards the prone Sir Grace and the big gnoll chieftain. Maybe Sir Grace when you first see him sprinting towards you, you're a little bit dazed, lying on the ground

You've just been hit You're like, the assassin has come for me Oh god, I can't die, I don't want to go to hell But instead of attacking you, he attacks the prone gnoll I helped Yeah, thanks man You proned him You proned him good

I guess I'm on top of him now So like, thanks, man. You've proned him. You've proned him good. I guess, like, I'm on top of him now. So, like, hey, that's all right. It's fine. What do you use, though? I just realized, reading through my spells again, that my message, I could, because I can whisper it to someone, to only they can hear me and they can hear me back. So I can just do quips.

It's a great quip. It also would have been very helpful to let them know when you were in position. That's much more much less. So Hector and Tiffany, you both see Odell jump onto the gnoll chieftain and something happens, but his hands are actually so quick

that you don't really see what it was. All you know is that now Odell is holding a bloody knife and there's a red smear along the ground. The gnoll is still squirming, however, where it is on the ground. Then it is Tiffany's turn. I've got Witch Bolt. Yeah. It says it's blue, crackling blue energy. It's like an arc of lightning. And now young Jedi,

you will die! Does it work the same way as lightning, whereas if I hit a gnoll that someone else is touching, will it get to them? Unless they're wearing rubber boots? No, unless they're like really close, other people would be safe from the witch bolt. If they're touching, would it affect both of them? No, it's fine.

Okay, cool. I might do witch bolt to all eyeballs. What's the range on that? 30 feet? Eyeballs will do. Eyeballs McGee. That's a good nickname. We on that? 30 feet? Eyeballs we'll call. All right. Actually, you're close enough. Eyeballs McGee. That's a good nickname. We'll call him that.

It's a good nickname. Yeah. Yeah. Classic eyeballs. We call him eyeballs because he got eyeballs. We call him eyeballs, eh? He's only got two eyeballs. The other one's just like Arcana print.

Not even more eyeballs than any of the... Regular people. I like Arcana print, though. Let's call him that. Is that just like a thing you could do? Eyeballs McGee wearing the latest Arcana print. Dressed in distressed leather. And, oh, isn't he distressed?

Give it up for Eyeballs McGee. He's just got a smear of red across his chest, which I think just accentuates. Startling, dashing red. It's dashing but subtle, you know? It's a colour we all have within us, but very few of us are brave enough to wear in our sleeves in such a fashion. That's very true.

He's the height of knoll couture. Knotty couture. Much to the surprise of everyone in the clearing, including those who knew that Tiffany was hiding in that bush Lightning just happens from the bush No one's actually able to see where Tiffany is They know the point of origin But only Tiffany knows where she is right now

Bush lightning Lightning crackles along the knoll Dealing 8 points of damage to it i blow on my fingers like guns like i know what a gun is the witch bolt doesn't go away so you you gotta if you point your fingers at your face you're gonna hurt yourself i start wiggling my fingers like it's iessing it. That's not how you use that word. Like you're finessing it, not like lightning is just happening and you're like, this direction.

You can do it like a piano. I start to hum a little. Strictly no finger movements will be allowed. Okay, I'm so sorry. Fuck, that was weird. She just said, all right. Adam, I'm so sorry. Fuck, that was weird. She just said, all right. I'm like, Adam, I have a million fans. Weirdest part was,

that was like a joke one. That wasn't even serious. You wasted it. You wasted it. I didn't realize. Excuse me, Adam. Yeah. Does lightning come out of my tail?

It was so good for him. It was. It was good. You were the golden child. Now you're just another fucking... What's the bong eggs? Bong eggs? You know, the golden eggs, the bong eggs from Willy Wonka.

Bong eggs and ham? Bad eggs? Bad eggs. The bong ones. All right. You got the bong-eds from Willy Wonka. Bong eggs and ham? Bad eggs? Bad eggs. The bong ones. Alright. You got a bong steer. A bums. The bong eggs.

The bong eggs. Hidden in the bungalow where the bong things live. Don't hang out with Geoffrey. He's a bong egg. I'm speech. Is that not an expression for me well it's an expression firstly no

it's an expression you're using it's definitely not the opposite of golden child I wasn't saying it was the opposite I'm saying bong is a negative connotation you've got two kids which one's the golden opposite. I'm saying bong is a negative connotation. You've got two kids. Which one's the golden child? Which one's the bong egg?

I've heard of bong leg. Bong egg is not the expression I was talking about. Are you thinking of bong leg? Just bong. Bong. And we were saying golden child, and then I thought of golden egg. You've destroyed me. Bung to the bone. Look, in this life, you can either be bung or golden.

That's not what I was saying. You can be a golden child or a bung egg. That's it. Where are you on the scale from bung to golden? Fuck me. Can that be canon in this world? Please, Adam. I'm lawful good golden, Adam.

I sound lawful good bung. I'm chaotic bung. I'm true bung. Golden neutral Okay No I don't think okay I think we're taking a break I think we're taking a break Oh my god

Let me know when we're recording We are recording No you cannot shoot lightning out of your tail. It must be your fingers. Oh, but my tail's like a big finger. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He's consulting the big book of... Players.

The big book of players. Who said whales? The big book of whales. Oh, I meant the country. But all right. I don't know anything in Welsh. The generic, the sound that Welsh make. Book of Wales. Oh, I meant the country. But all right. Blah. I don't know anything in Welsh. The generic sound that Welsh make.

Blah. That's them. God, I hate that sound Welsh people make. There's one Welsh person that makes a noise that the other Welsh people, they just can't understand. It's at a different frequency to the other Welsh people. People, the loneliest Welshman. That's what they call him.

He's just wandering around Wales being like... And everyone just can't hear him. What are you saying? I forgot actual Wales had that happen to them. I was like, why are you making this up? That's so cruel. Why would you think that? I like that that's something that happened to Wales as a species.

Sometimes you get born wrong. Oh, my God, that poor whale. I feel like they're so big, you'd be lonely if you were too big. I feel like I agree. The size somehow makes it sadder. I feel like if you're small, you've always got a friend. It's easier.

Literally the most meaningless, nonsensical sentence ever, but yes. No, like you see a mouse, oh, hey friend. You see a little bug, oh, hey friend. Next to another mouse. See a horse, oh, hey friend. Yeah, but if I saw a mouse next to another mouse. See a horse, oh, Nellie, no thank you. Lonely. Hang on, hang on.

I'm just trying to follow your thought process here. Because if I see a mouse that can't talk to other mice, he's still lonely. Yeah, or are you saying like... Yeah, but you can pick him up and love him. Oh, you mean as in you can make a friend with the mouse, not a mouse can find another mouse friend. If the mouse can believe in himself, I believe that he could.

But, yes, I was referring to the mouse being able to find himself more friends. I did forget that species can't talk to one another. Because if you pick up a mouse, the mouse ain't going to be like, oh, sick, best friend. It's going to be like, ah! But if you pick up a whale, I mean, they're clever. They are. Hey, baby, this is me picking you up.

Have you been feeling down? Pick up a whale in a bar. Hey, baby, how did you get into this bar? Do you need help? Did you fall from heaven? God, that is the best pick-up line. Isn't there a mose bar where he has killer whales in the back? He does.

There have been whales historically in a bar. Is it only black and white animals? Look, I am like so lost right now. To quote our good friend Adam, there is a bus That you have caught And it's gone I'm late And I'm running down to the I'm at the bus stop

I'm like Did I I think I might have missed it I don't know But I'm half an hour late I've missed that bus It's gone There's no way I'm catching up

Okay How frank you are You're like guys I'm going to level with you I've done my best to keep up So far I'm like to level with that. I've done my best to keep up so far. Black and white. I'm like, okay, Moe's black and white now?

All right. All the animals on your mung are black and white. That is true. That is true. It's one animal, a cat. It's lots of different cats. There's cats with different shaped faces and cats with different spots and cats with no spots.

Okay, you got me there. Some with whiskers and some without. I like to think that some of them are otters. Me too. But that's just me. Wow, some of. I like to think that some of them are otters. Me too. But that's just me. Wow, some of them do not have whiskers. They're the otters. Adam, are we playing a game of D&D?

Just checking. Did you just draw a face on your head so you can talk? That's very good. What were we talking about? I'm not allowed to have lightning coming out of my tail But you can tell the book And it doesn't sound like I can anyway Right then What are we doing here?

So What I was originally going to do I thought there was a picture in the book Of someone casting Witch Bolt And I wanted to show you the picture because they're casting it from their fingers. But I found the picture, and it's actually someone casting Burning Hands, not Witch Bolt. So I guess that's egg on my face.

And you know what? I care so little. You can cast it from your tail if you want. Oh, lucky. Jim. Choose not to. Now that you have the power, choose not to. How long is my tail?

Can I cast it over my head like a peekaboo secret? Your tail is literally as long as you ever need it to be. I've named my tail peekaboo secret. This is the secret to Adam. Your tail reaches from your posterior up to your head. Okay, I poke it over the top of my head. And ooh, like a continental soldier. I think I might. Continental soldier? Throw it yeah and oh like a continental soldier i think i might yeah

continental soldier does your tail hang low does it wobble to your balls ears it was ears the initial one was ears but as school children we would say balls your song was a lot more elaborate than mine do your balls hang low can you tie them in a knot then you toss them yeah that one when your balls hang low you can sway them to and through you can tie them in a knot

you can tie them to a bow then you show them to your friends that's what you do when your balls hang low that was our censored version at a Catholic primary school. What? You censored the wrong part. You censored soldiers because that promotes violence. When I say censored, I'm obviously joking because our one is different, you fucking idiot.

It's not like the teachers came through and were like, this end part is off. Let's rewrite that. Instead of... I had a big phlegm in my throat. It actually started to physically damage Adam. The malarkey that's happening here.

How could you throw your ears over your shoulder because they'd touch them? If they hang low... They hang low enough that they're already over your shoulders. Anyway. So you can fire them from your tail. Finally we've arrived.

Okie dokie. I add peekaboo secret to my repertoire. Throw them over my shoulder like a continental soldier and let my lightning run free. I still don't know where continental soldier comes in, but I don't care. So please don't explain it. I'm not gonna.

Thank you. Feel free to email us in the answer, though, to jackson.bailey at sandspantsradio.com. That's not it. Whatever. All right. So. I'm going to make one for you. One will be made and connected to your phone.

That's fine. Where even fucking were we? You shoot lightning, get the guy. Fuck, this has been a long time. So, Grace, it's your turn. So, am I on top of the gnoll? You are both prone next to each other. I would like to burning hands the fella.

What? All right, then. Now what? Well, you're just in close proximity with another friend. You're lying on top of him. Which friend? Adele. Let's call him Odin of him. Which friend? Adele. Let's call him Odin.

Oh, Adele? Adele, yeah. All right. In the pursuit of justice, sometimes you've got to burn a few eggs. Oh, heist. Heist? All right, I either got a 12 or I got a... Stay exactly where you are, friend.

He clearly got a 12. I don't care. Stay where you are. All right, I did get a 12. The moment you change, you give him too much power. I'm enjoying coming up with new ideas. I think I'm going to roll two different ones, and I'm going to get you to kick a color or something like that.

Yeah. Shoot it at me. You cast Burning Hands before you. You catch Odell with your blast as well. What about eyeball? I'm assuming I get him good he said as well so that means could have been as well as myself

we're listening you said I don't give as much credit Adam no I forgot Jackson continues to comb his hair. He's moved up his face. It's now head hair instead of face hair. I don't even know whose comb it is.

It's the studio's comb. Just for if any of us, what do you want to look at the comb? Is it your comb? Do you remember the comb I found at La Trobe? That's the one. Stranger's comb. Nothing more romantic than using a stranger's potentially nit-filled comb.

I feel like you'd be able to see anything on that comb. Not now that you've run it through your beard so much but initially. You deal 10 points of damage to the gnoll and no damage actually to Odell because he deftly dodges the attack. Got him. Well, the good one.

The evil. It's the good one. The evil. It's the gnolls' turn. Ooh. So, the one on the floor. The gnoll stands up, first of all. Sweet. Mmm, damn. I'm still on the ground.

Yes. Oh, fuck. Thanks for reminding me. It gets advantage. Shit. Did you not get up? I was on top of him. I didn't need to.

No need to move when you're right where you want to be. That was exactly my reasoning. Come on, now. It leans into you and it just begins to ravage you. Like, physically. It tears at your body with its

teeth, with its claws. You're not exactly sure where on your body it's hitting you because just your entire body is in pain. You take 23 points of damage. Oh, that's significant. Dad cops it again. Dad always copping it. I make a face through the bushes.

Every time Dad gets hurt, it doesn't just hurt me because it's Dad, but also because I once hurt him, and looking at Dad getting hurt reminds me of that. You don't want to see me in pain, I get that. I don't. You wouldn't mind if the shoe was on the other hoof, but that's, you know. That's your dad's prerogative.

I've learnt to accept that. There are four holes. Three of them are going to attack you, Sir Hector. Only one of them is actually able to score a hit. They have fanned themselves around you in a

rough circle, making it very hard for you to dodge their blows. But you whip your greatsword around in one clean arc, not really offensively, more defensively, just to keep them at bay, and you're able to knock two of their attacks back, plus keep two of them

at bay, but that third one does come in behind you, and you feel a sharp stabbing pain in your lower abdomen. You take five points of damage. That's fine. You're fine. You're bloody fine. You grunt and try and turn it into a cough.

It's not a problem. Is this alright? Donnist got me in the body. One more gnoll charges past you guys and attempts to fight Sir Ware. Oh, not Unky Dick. Unky Dick's fought his sharefare of gnolls. Sharefare? Just move on beyond it.

We didn't move on when I made a mistake. Unky Dick and his sharefare. Come on down to Unky Dick's sharefare for share for their fair share of fairs and a bash now. It's old, I'm going. Unky Dick kicks the gnoll in the leg. You hear a snapping sound as the leg breaks The gnoll crumples down

And Ware with his giant sort of form Jumps onto the gnoll and starts choking it out God, Unky Gnoll's cool He's so mad Got so much time for him He's just full of pep He is There's a lot of pep in Unky

A lot of go-gettedness to that man. Inspiring. Odell, with his bloodied blade, slashes at the gnoll, the big one that you are also fighting, Sir Grace. He draws this wicked red line along the gnoll's side, and you see a kidney flop out. The gnoll does not care. Hey, Adam. Yeah? side and you see a kidney flop out the null does not care oh hey adam yeah uh what does my uh as a smear thing do the the radiant soul radiant soul yeah uh so your eye you your eyes begin to glow

you gain glowing wings and you also deal extra an extra six points of damage on every attack for a minute all right and then that's a is that is that is for a minute. Is that a cast? Is that my action? It's a free action. You have to wait for your turn, but you can just do it. Is it my turn now? Yes. I'm going to cast that.

Yes. I imagine it comes with either a It comes with like a... Either... Holy life. It comes with no sound. Other than the cool guitar riffs I'm about to play for you. I want the Wonder Woman theme. The best.

So appropriate. So when I think of ancient Greek warrior, that's the sound I want. Shit, that's what I imagine. Did you want like some Greek chanting or some bullshit? Yes. Just not what we got, Adam. Yeah, I'd like to cast that. All the problems with that movie, that was so inconsequential.

Sorry. He's made me laugh a lot. How many bonus actions can one do in one turn? One. All right. I'll cast the Radiant Soul, and I'll attack Eyeboy. No? You want to keep moving forward?

Arcane. What's his name? Or for my surrounded. There are three around you. Yeah, you're surrounded. I'll attack one. Yeah. With my one attack.

Ooh. Can I cast another bonus action? Or is Radiant Soul not a bonus action? No, bonus action Radiant Soul is a free action Okay, so I can still cast a Sick I'm going to cast Magic Weapon

Uh-huh Which gives me a It's a plus one bonus to attack rolls and damage rolls Alright, you deal a combined total of Seven Plus six Plus one Fourteen Plus four Eighteen Eighteen Combined total of 7 plus 6 plus 1 plus 4.

18. 18? Is that it? Can you do any more quick math? All right. 18. Cool. Yeah, you mortally wound him.

He's going to die after this fight regardless, but he's still standing in the fight. Cool. And then I attack another. So you want to attack a different one? Yes. I mean, he's going to die anyway. Whatever. I don't think you guys

understand flavor text. Adam promised he was going to die anyway. You hit again? Yes. Dealing 9 plus 6 plus six plus one plus four. You don't need an eraser.

Twenty. Fifteen. Sixteen. Oh, she loves chewing erasers. Gross. It's one of her favourite things. Like, she won't chew a toy, but fucking hell,

what eraser did she have? Just the Milan one. Stop dropping erasers. I didn't know the dog was going to eat it. That's news to me. How's it news? She's already eaten one. I didn't know the dog was gonna eat it. That's news to me. How's it news? She's already eaten one. I didn't know.

No one told me. Maybe if people get me in the loop more. Maybe if he was up scuttling the bed. Bad dog. Come here for smacks. Hey. Mellie, don't actually go over there. Mellie, it's a trap.

That's my serious voice. I clapped so people would think I'm smacking her. And then Melody jumped into my lap. Oh, claps for laps. You want to play D&D, Melody? You're the only person who plays D&D right. Because she can't fight back. Basically. Yeah. She can't sass you

She's the only person who doesn't sass me So Where the fuck was I? I got another here, Adam Yeah, you deal 20 points of damage to another one You mortally wound two of the three But they're still up and fighting. All right.

Like, they'll die of blood loss without treatment eventually. It's a guaranteed, but at the moment, there's still kind of an actual threat in the fight. That puts it at Tiffany. So, you are currently maintaining your Witch Bolt. Yes. I'm not 100% sure. All three prongs. Yeah, from memory, you can still do...

Yeah, I think you can. If you're maintaining it, you can cast other spells. As long as you keep your concentration pure. Is there a possibility? Am I able to split my three prongs of lightning across three enemies? You do not get three prongs of lightning. I'm not sure where you thought you got three prongs of lightning Because I've got three points of

Lightning coming from We have established that you're Oh no you tail those guys Yeah You only target one enemy If you split it up into three it just becomes a light tickling Feeling instead of damage Three tickles equals pain

There's a certain sense to that. In any case, you can maintain it on that one null, and you deal ten points of damage to it. Nice. And not to myself in pride. You could also move, do other stuff if you want. You can really, you can

cast any, you can do anything except cast another spell that requires concentration. So if it doesn't require, see it's... Can i fire a crossbow you can yeah absolutely oh um because i'm still in the bush um do people know i'm there i know there's lightning coming out of the bush it's hard to tell whether or not like no one's come over to attack you but they are also busy with the others okay so could i fire across bro sneakily with sneak you could try to um you can you can't actually like to hide yourself as in you know like get somewhere where you're hidden maybe cover yourself with some leaves that's an action onto itself okay you could fire from your position and you can like you know rest yourself up against the bushes try to be hidden but it's not nearly as effective okay it's up to you um knowing that lightning is coming from you

regardless so any attempted hiding is not going to be as effective yeah well maybe i'll just fire my crossbow all right um i'll fire it at the same one that I'm lightninging. Cool. You hit him. Smart choice. Yeah. Yeah, wise. Old eyes McGee. In addition to your original 10. We're knocking him down. You deal another seven points of damage, Duran. How strong is this eyeballs? How strong is this eyeballs?

He's tough, though. These are tough eyeballs. Unlike the other gnolls, these ones appear to be ready to fight to the death. They do not seem to be backing down from this fight. Grace, uh, Sir Grace, it is your turn. I would like to hurl my spear at one. So you stand up. Yep, stand up.

Who are you hurling your spear at? Uh, I'll hurl it at eyeballs. Alright. I was gonna say he takes that back as well. Hurl it at him. And then, can I firebolt as well? Or was standing up one of my actions? You I firebolt as well or we're standing up one of my actions you can firebolt firebolt technically comes first

you hit him with the firebolt dealing 3 points of damage yes now we're cooking with gasoline and then the spear into his belly now we're cooking with a spear in the belly

big old kebabs Uh Heist I believe Adam That's the correct answer Kebabs Why does a kebab Mean like

You know Like a Gyro Right Or a skewer I don't know Cause like Isn't it shish kebab

That is the... I guess. So... Answered really quick. The rainbow dice. Sorry, I rolled rainbow dice and I rolled green dice. I used to use rainbow. Rainbow?

Yep. All right. That was an eight as opposed to 88. Damn. Damn. Oh, Ace, it was weird. You... Misthrow my spear no you just don't set him on fire with your fireball

oh that's fine i'll live step back you hawk your spear you miss i'm really not putting my all into this fight am i useful fighter no i mentally tot. Dad, how did you raise such a fantastic fighter when you yourself? It must be genetic. My parents must be really good. They must have been great. They must have been great people. So, Grace, you stand up. You try to light fire to the gnoll and fail.

You take a step back and cast aside your melee weapon for some reason. And I guess prepare yourself. My melee weapon is my spear. Sorry? My melee weapon for some reason. And I guess prepare yourself. My melee weapon is my spear. Sorry? My melee weapon is my spear. You threw it at him. Oh, I mean, yeah. You cast it away.

Yeah, okay. I'll call it. To us. And then I suppose prepare to fight with your fists. I got weapon, but I can call it back if need be. Oh, you can do it. Have you taken a bonus action? No.

You can do that this time. I'll call it back. Yep, you call it back. Throw it. Fuck. Call it back. No, you don't back. Throw it. Fuck. Call it back. No, you've done... Unless you do action search.

No, so I can't call it back? You can call it back, but you can't attack again. No, I won't. It's fine. Whatever, action search. Give it a throw again. You hit. Hey!

Second time's a charm, as the saying goes. You could just stab him. Like, he didn't have to throw it. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. You deal seven points of damage. Got him. Spearing him in the belly. Yep, he's still standing.

Eyeballs must be big. Oh, man. Eyeballs is tough. Well, I think eyeballs just go until he dies, you know? Tough Muggins eyeballs. He was tough Muggins McGee. He has made no noise as this has happened. Terrifying.

That's just terrifying. Do I notice that he's made no noise? Well, yes. I mean, how could you not? Can I hear the absence of noise from the distance I am away from everyone? Well, you can tell that it's not that far from you. Oh, okay. Okay.

Okay. I'm following that information. It's not an incident. I can't do that now. That's cool. I'm just curious though. Where is this going? I like to think it's some kind of noise making spell.

Oh, I have one of them. The gnoll takes a step forward, Sir Grace, and it grabs you by the shoulders and then it just puts it more around your head and bites you. You take nine points of damage. Oh, God. I shudder. Oh, boy.

I'm inside it. So you don't do more damage if, like, your hand's inside it. No. Just joking. The three gnolls attack you, Sir Hector. None of them That's rude Like, they do a very piss-poor job

I guess they're, well, two of them are bleeding out So they're very weak with their blows The third one, I suppose, is very scared of you right now Well, I am basically a man whose eyes are glowing And has sprouted wings You're like an angel or like an owl demon yeah so where manages to to uh with leverage and standing on it yeah with leverage standing on it he uses the ball joint nature of an arm to twist and tear out the knoll that he is standing on

and then he hurls it ineffectually at one of the gnolls around you, Sir Hector. It lands near them, but doesn't actually hit any of them. It's about style. God, Unky Dick's cool. He's cooler than all fucking four of us. I shake my head with a

sly smile, like, oh. That's a classic Unky Dick move. Unky Dick. I wish I was traveling with him. You are a beer. Not as much, I know. I have a moment of, what if Unky Dick was my dad? That'd be bad for everyone.

Maybe the gnoll who, like, the arm landed closest to them, startled, turns around to see So-Wear, and So-Wear growls at him, I've been fighting with your kind since you were at your mother's teat! Funky dick. And then it is

Odell's turn. Odell comes up behind the gnoll, the big one that's fighting you, and he stabs again, jumps onto its back, he's got his legs wrapped around its chest, and he'ss again, jumps onto its back. He's got, like, his legs wrapped around its chest, and he's jamming a dagger into the back of its neck.

The creature does not seem to notice. Damn it, this gnoll. Oh, man. Dang this dang gnoll. I just want to apologize if anyone can hear gentle snoring sounds. The dog is asleep on my lap. Hector, it is asleep on my lap. With her eyes open. Right. So with my bonus

action, actually I don't need bonus action. I was going to attack the bleeding. I'll just attack the two bleeding gnolls. It's getting louder. I don't even think she's asleep. Her eyes are looking around. She never closes her eyes when she sleeps.

It's weird. She's just winking and moving her puppy brows. I'm still concerned. I'm still convinced, sorry, that she is actually awake. You used to live with a guy who would do this. Like, he'd just go... Sit on your lap and snore awake. In the lounge room watching TV or whatever. And he'd just, like, start snoring.

But he'd be awake watching the TV. That's so disturbing. But like half dozing, but like eyes full. Could he hear himself? I don't know what was going on there. You never asked? No, I was like, yeah, you awake there, mate? He was like, oh, what?

Yeah, and then he'd just tell me what happened. The cute sniffle of a waking up during a snore. That's good. Anyways. She's go, Dad. Anyways. She's also loud. She wakes herself up. I attack one of them with my one attack and the other.

You spin around. You're attacking the same ones you attacked last round. Yes. You kill two knots. Yes. And then I want to point at the last one. You are next. You would fear my fury. Yeah, you neatly decapitate them.

One last Final spurt of blood Pours from their necks Like a champagne cork being popped off As in The champagne coming on When you pop the champagne It was grizzly

It's fine I get it Adam You still have a bonus action And a movement action Hector You can get over to the fight with Sir Grace if you want, or you can go check to see if Sir Ware needs help. Don't I have one lad around me still? Or did he flee to Sir Ware?

No, yeah, you do have one. Sorry, I forgot. I discounted him because he's so terrifying. I like that the first blow, the spear blow, was like, I try not to hit the leathers. Since then, it's been like... These fucking gnolls. They're not going down. Just go for it.

That's what our plan is. Oops. So we're torn arm off one of these uniforms. Not using that one. There are six of them. Our odds are good. We can piece them together. Two of them are covered in gore and blood now

I'm good at cleaning Yeah We'll find a lake Wash it in a lake Problem solved Define something Define cleaning Yes

It's your turn Can I ask Maintain your little witch bolt Does that hurt dad? No It's already kind of locked onto the gnoll So it doesn't actually change target unless you want it to change target. So do you want it to change target?

No, they're fighting next to each other, but the lightning will cascade around anything else. I thought he was in the gnoll's mouth. Oh, yeah, he is, but the electricity, as we established before, will not travel. It's not going to make the jump. It's not electricity. It's magic. No, it is electricity. Yeah, I know, will not travel. It's not going to make the jump. It's not electricity. It's magic.

No, it is electricity. Yeah, I know, but it's magic. It doesn't abide by the laws of basically. I get you, I get you. Magic wink electricity. Speaking of magic and electricity, the gnoll gives one final shudder and then falls forward onto Sir Grace dead. Good.

Good. Oh, thank gosh. Well done. Did you down it? Yeah, it's dead. It's down. There's one gnoll left and that's just a regular gnoll. Somebody just knock its block off. Tiffany, you've still got a full turn left. Amazing.

You could actually switch target as well if you want. Oh, cool. So you can hit the other gnoll. Can I go for other gnoll? Gnoll numero duo? Yep. That'll be your turn, though, is the only thing. Or you can attack differently.

Okay, I reckon Dad can get out of there by himself. But that other gnoll is still a... No, yep, no, yep. Switch targets? Yes. It's okay. You hit. You're doing pretty well.

Like, I know it doesn't maybe like, because you're not, oh, I do all these cool things, but you're doing pretty well. I just hope Dad's proud of me. Oh, no. It suddenly hits me that Dad didn't see it was me who finished it on Dad. Any of it. I didn't see any of it. I was inside the gnoll's throat for most of the fight.

And also he landed on you. So even if I'm like, Dad, I saved you, you're like, oh. Get it off me, please. Way to crush me with a dead body. My God, you could have done it in the other direction, so it fell off me. You shift targets with your witch ball. The electricity crackles along the ground,

sending stones up all over the place until it finds its target at the gnoll next to Hector, the one standing near the severed arm. The gnoll was probably looking in the wrong direction at Sir Ware at the time, so the lightning catches it completely unaware as you deal 15 points of damage. Yes. Then it is Sir Grace's turn.

I get out of the gnoll. That might be your turn. No, you're out. Gross. And then I'll... Covered in saliva. I just want to say, Adele, because he had already been painting his face a little bit, has had a green face for this entire encounter. Cute.

I guess I'll just go over to her and spear through the back hole. Oh, crits. Man. Woo! Whoopsie doodle. Whoops. Didn't mean to do that. that actually you don't have your spear i'll use my bonus action to get it yeah yeah gotcha all right you uh you stand right up behind the knoll it's slowly trying to turn around to see where the lightning's coming from but its body is convulsing so its movements are erratic and slower than they would be.

As soon as it turns around to face you, you get one final line. I don't say anything. And then you stab it in the face. So there's a brief pause. You just look at each other. And then you stab it in the face. The gnoll dies on your spear and on the lightning. Good. Okay. I stopped being an angel boy scary how much leather we got you go around collecting leather looting jeez do we all skip whilst looting singing the looting

jig somebody plays a loot while we loot it's luting song. We click our boots and play the lute while we lute. Luting with my best friends. Find the fruits of our labor. Lutey lute. Save for later. That's the luting song. That was pretty beautiful. You're only getting a taste.

You've got to buy the whole album. $20 if you want the rest of the songs. Can we release a TNT album? I think it's about time Finally, I've been saying this for years It's what the people want The people out there are like I need a whole album I can listen to in the car

On the way to the beach On the way to the movies I need a classic I need a looting song I need a questing song I need the I'm in a tavern looking for things to do song Ah, all the classics What's up little Timberlake Oaks

Are we about to write a musical? Will our heroes change careers to pop stars? Or are they doomed to be a one-hit wonder? Find out next time on The Search for a Helm, a D&D's for nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you'll find us at Sandspanceradio.

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