D&D is For Nerds - The Search for A'Helm #6 A Stealthy Entrance

Episode Date: March 31, 2018

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I'm pretty busy. I'll check my schedules. Come see them. Yeah. Yeah. Come see us. Come see our beautiful faces and our average bodies. Welcome to episode six of The Search for a Helm, a D&D's for nerds adventure.

Prinsvillus-cly. I say we flank. I say two of us go around the back. You go around here and we make a signal or whatever and we just... Can we just... Can we... If we just... We've got crossbows. We don't have to get close. They're just hyena men. They're going to get flanky while they get stanky. Somewhere, distantly, there's an old dilapidated castle. Excited by this story. Standing at the parapets, standing upon the parapets,

gazing lazily around the forest, is a young orc. He's, you know, sort of just coming to his own. He's been given his first weapon ever only a couple weeks ago.

And he looks, he doesn't know it, but he's actually looking at the specific part of the forest that you guys are in. And he's quite astonished when a

massive burst of energy flattens all the trees in a 300 feet radius. It's easier. Literally the most meaningless, nonsensical sentence ever, but yes. Like you see a mouse. Oh, hey friend. Yeah, but if I saw a mouse.

Next one of the mouse. See a horse. Oh, Nellie. No, thank you. And like the other gnolls, these ones appear to be ready to fight to the death. Oh, no. It suddenly hits me that Dad didn't see because it was me who finished it on Dad.

I didn't see any of it. I didn't see any of it. I was inside the gnoll's throat for most of the fight. Looking through the pockets of the gnoll's clothes, you find six gems. Just varying types, like some of them are rubies, some of them are opals, that sort of stuff, varying sizes as well. You might need to take them to an assessor to find out their worth,

but just mark down six gems. Who's marking this down? You mark them down because we're not taking them. I'm rifling. Yeah, we're not rifling. Can I put them in my puzzle box? Yes. Cool.

Did you open the puzzle box? Yes. Like first thing she did, got on the horse, opened that puzzle box. That's right. You did, too. There's a coin there that no one knows quite what it is. Yep. Just cracked it open, found a coin.

Got that coin. Oh, my goodness. I've forgotten about the coin. Examine it a bit more and be like, what is this? What is this dang coin? What the heck's going on? Maybe we'll find a clue. In the Null Special Effects,

you find 40 coins of a type that you've probably never seen before. Is it the same coin as the one in the bottle box? No. Dang. You've never seen them, but you've heard of them. These are referred to as

Electrum pieces. Electrum is mostly silver with flecks of gold in it. It's worth more than silver coins, but less than gold coins. They're a very old and archaic currency. You would expect to find these in long

discarded tombs and stuff like that. It's a currency that Kandor used to use a long time ago, but it's now defunct. All right. All right. And finally, for those of you who are stealing.

Ay. This girl. That's what it's all about. I say ay in Infernal. I put my tail up as like a, yeah. You need Karen around to have your little tiefling adventures. We should have brought him along. I like to think we all just go back to you and talk to you in Infernal.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what's happening. Sure, I guess. I blush a bit with happiness that people are talking to me. You're included in some capacity. I started something and it got finished by others. It was a two-word exchange and that's brought me so much joy.

What kind of a life? What have you done? This is your fault. It's also the education's fault. Three potions of healing. Gracious me. I put them in me... In me bucket.

Do I have pockets? You're wearing clothes. Yeah, but is this universe like our universe where I'm a girl so I don't get pockets? Do you know Draconic, the language? I think I do. No. There are two scrolls.

I do. You do? Dad. You can tell that they're old. Do you give them to look at him? And do you read them? Can anyone read this? Dad?

I have a dad. You just read the head. That's a weird assumption to make. They're magical scrolls. I think I'm only like five years older than you. That is really weird. I'm like 25. Oh, man.

This whole family unit is a mess Family unit? These are magical spells You identify one of them as light Just a simple light spell And the second one is

a zone of truth This is a zone of truth Oh no I didn't mean to. This is not the situation I engineered. I already cast Zone of Truth anyway. Ah, damn it. Well, now you got a free casting of it.

That's pretty good. Does anyone... Can anyone cast this or is it... Anyone... Oh, you can just cast it. The other two need to make a check. Does anyone want this? It's Light and Zone of Truth.

If anyone needs to not lie. It's Light. If anyone needs to not lie. Not me, so you're just looking at Sir Grace. If anyone needs to not lie. I think I'm good for that. I look at Dad for a while, thinking, what do I want to know? Do I want to know?

Is it too much power? Like, should we bury it or something? Tiffany, do you want it? I don't know. It's probably best if we bury it. You are the one who rooted it. It's probably best if we bury it, darling. I might just keep it.

I might just keep this. Hang on, I'm going to make a persuasion check for that one. Colin, you darling? Something you've never done before? Oh, you're not very charismatic. No, I'm not. Poor. You mispronounced darling.

I love you, darling. Tiffany. Tiffany, when he says darling, you're actually like considering the scroll. We don't even hear him. Damn. There you go. There you go. These are yours. Just keep

this. Who's got the light spell? You can have it as well. I've got it as a cantrip. You can take it. So basically the light is a light and zone of truth is very simple. You cast it around and anyone in that zone cannot lie. It's very simple, very straightforward.

It's a zone. Think of it like a bubble. Anyone in that zone cannot lie. It's very simple, very straightforward. It's a zone. Think of it like a bubble. Anyone in that bubble cannot lie. I think about passing it secretly one day. Odell grunts and gestures towards... While you were also looting, I'm going to say that you were checking for Tsutsubama. You have enough for all five of you.

Sweet. Between the two that you got before asama. Yes. Yeah. You have enough for all five of you. Sweet. Yes. Between the two that you got before as well. Okay. I roll up my sleevelings and get to work. Odell motions in a, you know, a direction sort of northwards, but then also sort of seems to consider you guys who are quite wounded, and then shakes his head and makes a, you know,

let's go to bed gesture. Sounds like a good idea. He's like, how far away is it? Can you count? And like, hands. Give his hands, or do you need like a stick? You can do like a tally system. He holds up five.

Days? Hours? Shakes his head. Thumbs up. Hours. That's five hours away. Let's nap. Let's nap. Let's chill.

Because you were injured. Snelly eaten to death. Dad. Odell points through the trees up to the sun. He wants us to sleep at the top of the trees. Away from bears or enemies. I don't think that is good. He points up towards the sun and then sort of traces its path,

natural path along the sky. Suns. Sorry. The suns. The two out towards the sun and then sort of traces its path, natural path, along the sky. Suns. Sorry. The suns. The two suns. There's a couple of them. That's Nikki third. Traces their path along the sky until they would get to the horizon

and then, you know, like sort of points for them under the horizon. Then he gestures northwards. So we, under cover of darkness, we will leave. Thumbs up. Well, we have a light spell now, so in case we decide not to go in darkness, we have the option. That is a very good idea,

Tiffany, and let us just get that idea and table it. Thumbs up. It's a very good idea, but let us only use that when we need to. Because we're trying to be very sneaky. Okay, I have good sneak, but that's fine. I know you do, and it's a very good job. Thank you.

At this point, Richard Ware has finished lighting a small fire and is roasting what he presumably caught on the way here. That is good. What does divine sense do again? Divine sense? Yeah. I believe that allows you to see within 60 feet undead or like demons. Smell devils. Any devils around?

Do you actually cast them? Why not? No. Can he smell me? Oh. Yes. One. Can he smell dad? No. That would have been scandalous. We've established that my body is covered

in terrible arcane runes, yeah? Like terrible. I don't know if we have. I feel like we. I always assume that like from neck to like ankles and wrists is just terrible arcane writings and scripts across my body. Do you make any effort to hide them? Yeah.

Do you think people are not going to put two and two together when they see them? So anytime we do an arcane check. I'm assuming they're like, what do you call it? Hidden? Yeah. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight, out of mind.

You can just always be wearing skivvies and stuff like that. That's fine. That is all right. Oh, skivvies, great. I was going to cast Healing Hound on you, but we're having a sleep. It's not really worth it. It's fine. How am I doing on those armors?

Leathers? Like I said, you got five sets. Are they beautiful? I'm very concerned about my craftsmanship. They aren't beautiful, but you didn't have good equipment to start, or you didn't have good materials to start with. They were never going to be beautiful. And to be honest, if they looked too nice,

it would be kind of suspicious. I make all of this known as I hand them out. I compliment you on a job well done. Thank you. Sometimes, you know, the best work has to look a certain. It's about the look. I understand. And you did a very good job under the circumstances.

Thank you. I put my armor on and go to bed. You're welcome, Dad. I just go to bed. You're welcome, Dad. I just go to bed. It's good. I take my armour off, actually. I feel so warm that he slept in them. I've just got them on for the next day.

All right. Dad of laziness. Just get up wearing them, you know. I'll give you all another long rest because Odell seems to kind of be almost in charge of this he's like gesturing for people to take watch we've like deferred to his leadership where are our carriages

and horses back in the woods yeah Odell would have probably gotten you guys to leave your horses at Jones' Bluff and maybe even Piran promised that he would ensure that they were taken care

of. But not in the assassin way. He didn't just bang bang with his crossbow to the head of our horse. Brat, brat, motherfuckers. Welcome to the food chain, bitch.

Anyway. Have a sleep. Anyway. Yes, you get another long rest. In the night, you, Sir Hector, have a very vivid dream with your daver, Galadia. Ah, classic Galadia. What is this you want now? She appears to you, as I said before, she's like mad.

In your dreams, you're kind of in a white void, and she's this just massive figure. You're boring the dog. Oh, Mela. Yes, giant figure. Oh, Mela. Yes, giant figure. In a loud, booming, and very official, dominating voice, she says,

Evil, evil is near. The veil is thin. Our world, your world, and the immaterial planes are close where you are. Evil has seeped through. What do you want me to do about it? The evil must be destroyed. Banished, if impossible to kill. I will do my best.

The evil is around the castle. I see it. Around the castle. Around the remains of Jones's Bluff and around Fairburn Point. So around a castle. Do I know the castle? It is near to you and your destination. Mist-wrought keep.

Mist-wrought keep? Mist-wrought. It's wrought with mist. Just like I'm wrought with parasites. All right, so she's telling me there's evil in with parasites. Alright, so she's telling me there's evil in Miss Rotkeep, Jones's Bluff and Fairbone Point? Yes.

Okay, so can I ask for any other information she might have? Like, what kind of evil? I do not know. It does not come from your world. Is it a tiefling? Because I know what that is. Because I know what that is. Because I know what that is. This is no

mere tiefling. Because I met one who was born in the ninth layer of hell or something. Plain. I don't mean to press the point, but she's being very uncharacteristic in the fact that she's being very loud, booming, and not singing. Usually when she speaks to you, she speaks in a song almost.

All right, then I'm not as like... She seems very like... Just blasé. Blasé. She's like, this is kind of a big deal, quite obviously. Okay, I am in awe of her presence, and I ask as much, not questions, but I'm like, anything you can do to help guide me? Are they all connected?

Do I have to go through each one systematically? Or like, what does like, does she know? There is not much I can tell you. The veil here, while thin, has some level of protection. Some creature is roaming the veil, preventing me from accessing it properly. To speak with you like this drains me. So kill the creature that is roaming the Vale

or banish it if we must. Yes. You should seek help as soon as possible. Whatever this is, it is beyond even me. Do you know what kind of help? Do you know where we could find such help?

Others of your order. Knights. Anyone who will help. Okay. You cannot have too many friends. She begins to fade, and so does your dream. What do I dream about? Highs or lows? Lows. You roll

What do you get? 10 and 8 18 What did you say? What I dream about was the question No, Heysel Lowe's did you say? Lowe's I think Lowe's?

Yeah You did pretty well You dream of nothing Oh good What do I dream about? Your favourite Pass me the dice again Heysel Lowe's

Heys Zamit, you roll Gotta find out what we're dreaming about 53 Pass me the dice again. Highs or lows? Highs. Zamit, you roll. Got to find out what we're dreaming about. 53. 53? You also dream about... Oh, you want to re-roll? You can roll them if you want.

26. 26? And what did you say, lows? I said highs. You have a nightmare. Oh, what's it about? You ask Piran out and he says that you're ugly. Oh, no.

Probably also adds that your father doesn't think you're much. Looking at your face, I feel that that hurt Cassie. It was more like I was imagining what her nightmare would be and I was like, dad leaves. That's the ultimate one, but I think that would be like a two or something. If I managed to get like a less than 10 it's like dad leaves

dad throws you out of well you're like, Pyrrhon walks away and you're like, no father, come back that sort of shit and then my tail falls off peekaboo secret, no vengeance comes long, eats the tail and dies I think that's a bit worse than what we wrote.

I like to imagine your tail falling off and a big crow comes and takes it because earlier you saw that happen to a lizard. I like that Xamarin got a dream and you two were both like, give us dreams. I want a dream. I want an imagination adventure in this imagination adventure. I'm glad I just dreamt of the void. That's good.

I got called ugly by the only tiefling I've ever met. And, like, my only, like, vision of other tieflings apart from me and people don't usually let me look in mirrors is, like, gross depictions in children's books. From the widespread belief that tieflings don't have a reflection. If you got sub 10, like, surely there is a good dream that you could have. Like a dream where before the bad times happen, you just like... A dream where I'm adventuring with donkey dick, but when he was proud, you know, powerful dick.

And then you get woken up by me and I'm like a normal child. You reach out your hand to pick me up and your runes are gone. Your wife takes the hand. She's alive. And then I wake up and everything's infinitely worse. It'd be kind of good to have like a, I mean you couldn't do it, but like a dream table specific for each character because actually knowing that I dreamt of nothing

is going to influence how I roleplay waking up. Well, if you want from this point onwards we could do that. Sure. Yeah, it's kind of fun. Even just like one sentence because then you're like, you had a nightmare and you wake up like, you know what I mean? Yeah, sure. Just an idea. Wake up.

All right. Yep. You all, well, you don't wake up at the same time because you're taking watches and stuff like that. But when you're asleep, those are the dreams that you have. After my vision, can I just have woken up exactly after? I just don't want to go back to bed. All right. you stay awake? Make and watch, just like playing with a stick in the dirt.

Odell also stays awake. Like, you guys would probably... He doesn't make any effort to hide it, but he doesn't sleep. Did he wash his face? As in, like, he probably doesn't need to sleep. He just doesn't. That's a good question. Did he wash his face?

No, he hasn't. Green boy. Do you say wash his face? No, he hasn't. Green boy. Do you say that to him? No. Because he'll slit your throat while you're sleeping. Then you'll dream of nothing. I think to myself, green boy, and then don't do anything about it. I wonder if he knows, but then decide it's definitely not my place to ever mention anything to him.

Later that night, Odell rouses all of you if you're not already awake kicks you if need be he's not gentle about it and just as to the sets of armor he's already started donning like the bits and pieces that you've selected for him. Is he gonna

paint my face in that? The implication is yeah. I'd like to think I've already donned the armour and painted my face. I went to sleep with my armour on. Yeah. You slept...

That's why you had... Oh, no, you had a dream. You know, you have to take your armour off. Fine. You can't sleep in full place. It's uncomfortable. All right,

I'll put on my leathers and I'll paint and cover up my tats as well. Odell, actually, like, maybe you guys try to paint yourselves, but Odell just immediately snaps the, you know, the little sponge thing that you used to apply?

Yeah, he snaps that from you and he starts applying the paint for you. Thank you very much. Then he also brings out these paper mache orc ears that he begins to stick over your ears. That's the best. Where does he put them on me? I was about to say, actually, except you, Tiffany, he leaves you till last, and then

he's just like... Shrugs. Yeah, he shrugs. She's already, like, she looks already like, you know, like a monster, so she's probably gonna fit in fine. You definitely said that out loud, didn't you? Oh, absolutely. To Odell. I shed my eyes

well, I make myself not cry, but the knowledge of my dream from the night before just really is there. I know I'm meant to be looking ugly, but I still sort of try and pull my hair into a bit of a nice thing. I try and hide my horns a bit. I just glare at Sir Grace.

You are not a monster. She looks like a monster. She's not a monster, but she looks like a not a monster. She looks like a monster. She's not a monster, but she looks like a monster. You do not look like a monster. So she fits in. It's not strange for orcs to be hanging out with a monster. You do not look like a monster. I do that heartbreaking thing.

Adele and Ware stand next to each other quite awkwardly. You do not look like a monster. You are a very beautiful person. You do not look like a monster, okay? I try and smile and nod, but I can't open my mouth and the nod's a bit too fast and you can very clearly see that eyes are whirling. Don't

ever let anyone tell you that, okay? Okay. None of their pain affects me. Adele looks like a kind of convincing goblin, if it was a very fat goblin. Goblin? What?

Goblin? I always imagined goblins as fat. And were, like, even up close, even though it's papier-mâché ears, were just looks like an orc. It's pretty convincing. What about I check out... No, a hunky looks the best. A hunky's great.

As an ASMR, it's very difficult to cover up Hector. It's like at a distance it would fool someone, but on a close inspection it's quite obvious that he's not an orc. And you, Sir Grace, are, it's like reasonable. Okay. It'd stand up not to close scrutiny, but to like a casual glance. Cool. Let's make haste for the, yes, wherever they are.

Oh, do you mention that you know the name of where you're going? So I believe we're going to Mist Route Keep. Okay. And no one knows... Oh, where gets it wrong? And no one knows

anything about that place. That's unfortunate. Is there lots of keeps there? There is more like mist. Lots of mist apparently. Like I missed that. It's like it made you physically ill. I'm still feeling very self-conscious.

The fact that I spoke just kind of makes me feel awful. Apparently there is a lot of something, a great evil, I believe, that is there waiting for us. So just... Probably the monster. I look at Odell. The monster. Odell shrugs. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm like, hmm. Ankit, what is your plans? Are you planning on going back to Kando after this? I was only here for the funeral. Just got caught up in this. Looking after my niece and my adopted brother, shall we say.

Yeah, let's say that. There was no malice there, but there was no joy. I got joy enough for both of us. Perhaps after we are done here, I would request your aid in a few things. All right. Is this going to take long? Not right now. Like, not right now.

Like, after we're done here. I mean, yeah. Is this going to take long? Not. I like to imagine, periodically, Odell shushes you but you keep talking no I just need you to perhaps send a message for me

like a horse head message or like actually just send a message like a literal message what the fuck is wrong with you people just a missive if you will I don't know you religious folks just like i give him a look like tell me about it why am i how am i the bad guy stop walking what the fuck uh you walk ahead and uh tiffany where like turns around and winks at you like there there's a joke that you guys are sharing about this.

This brings a genuine smile to my face. And I like have a bit of a smile. It's a bit like, okay, Anki, dig. You made me smile. You know, we don't want to smile. You're sad. I just give you periodic shushes. This was all in my head, though.

Yeah, he's still shushing. My facial expressions are too loud. Look at him, he's smiling. Ox can smell a smile half a mile away. And the smells sound like sounds. All right. When you can finally see it through the trees, And the smells sound like sounds Alright When you can finally see it through the trees Mistwrought Keep looks like a

What, well, what it probably is A very long abandoned place It seems to have a very odd design about it You can tell that there should be a drawbridge But they're just So where a drawbridge might go There should be, you you know like a chains holster chain so you can bring it up put it down that sort of stuff allowances for a drawbridge

there is no drawbridge and there is no allowances for that it looks like there was never a drawbridge here but how would people have gotten across the moat it's a question that will never be answered because no one knows about mist-wrought fucking keep. There are some other odd considerations are towers that you can tell even from the outside have no obvious access point other than like windows. It looks like the keep was made with the assumption that its inhabitants can fly. This just screams of magic bullshit. I say, oh, my God. So, Hector, were these for your people?

You don't know much. Can you scope the place? You don't know much about Esmere, do you? I saw you had wings before. We are very similar to you, the tiefling. My parents were just humans. My parents

were tieflings. Because it's my understanding that when it comes to tiefling, you don't necessarily have to be... Not necessarily, but in this specific case. What do you mean?

For example, it is simply just... So your bloodline was touched by something in a demonic sense. Mine was touched by a celestial sense. So my parents were... I think it's better than you, I guess. I did not say that at all. It's not what you're implying. Not at all.

I just said demonic. I sort of explained that like, yeah, you can. So your parents might have been human for all we know. But they weren't. No, see, they weren't. But Dad said they have to have been teeth. They don't have to have been, but they might have been. Dad, did you meet my parents?

The procession stops. No, I never met your parents. But they told me at the orphanage that they were tieflings. One moment, please. Continue. How would they know if I wasn't up for adoption until my parents died? You told me they died. Yeah, they died and they had bodies.

They found the bodies and then they found you alive. So it is completely reasonable that your parents might have been tiefling. Well within reason. Does that mean I'm part human? Of course. Well, in some cases you could be, but in this case, no, you're not. Well, perhaps your parents, they might have been a um, you know, a son or daughter of, uh, does that mean some humans could be part of it?

Of course. Pushing it and you'll have to have another. So, yeah. So like my parents, like I, you know, I have a sister and she is human,

uh, looks human. Does not look anything like me. It's, um, so you might, you know, I don't know where your,

your, your, your, your particular circumstance, but someone might have a family and one of the children might be a human. Adele seems a little impatient. Look, Adele's getting mad. We should probably carry on into the castle.

As it were. Let's talk about this later. Yeah, you can talk about it later. Talk about it whenever, just not now. So my point being is that I can't fly. There's not a race of people. There we go. We learned it.

Did that make sense? Yeah, I mean there are things that I can't do that I read in books Like I never found that place where you're meant to take children To brush their teeth Let us circle back to that particular What? It's much of a mushness Let's get into this cast

When we are having a next rest It seems like a strange time to have this whole discussion, to be honest with you guys. So how far is the moat across? The moat is probably 80 feet across. It's hard to tell exactly from your position. You can also see guards. Orcs, goblins, gnolls,

a lot of them. This is very, very unusual for you guys to see. To get goblins or this amount of goblins, to get this amount of orcs to get this amount of gnolls working together is like a big deal to get them mixing and working together is a fucking

undertaking and you can tell from a distance there seems to be a lot of squabbling between them, not even between the racers just even among themselves the guard patrols are quite lax look I could fly over but it would give us away in a heartbeat. Wait, you just said you – it's fine. What I meant was there's no race of people.

Adele gestures towards the path he was leading you along. That's why I asked how far the moat was, because I could fly. I realized I could fly, but it would give us away. So, Adele, let us lead on. Do you reckon they're all being mind controlled? I reckon so. I think there is some level of that. Yes.

I think, you know, when you get like these races that hate each other genetically on a genetic level, it seems like together is probably mind control, which means we might be mind controlled. That's a big word for a man who still believes in miasma. If he had medical training

when I'm sick I just blood lat and hope that sorts it out just throw some leeches on see what happens oh my god the amount of holes gotta get them out gotta get them out somehow how do they get in?

they just get in just when you're sleeping. Is that why I have grown horns? Could be. Is it the devil's trying to get out? Maybe. Does that mean I'm inherently good inside? Who knows?

Yes, you are. Probably not. I promise you inherently... Oh, Jesus. Keep walking. Keep walking Keep walking Don't think about it I follow dad I'm like

If you want to be good You can be good You lead a trail of sadness Behind you That way you're not seeing Sadness in front of you Anyways Keep walking in the sun

The shadows fall behind you Exactly Nothing wrong with that The son of a thousand orcs I'll cop that on the face rather than turn around I know I've already made this joke But do you reckon it's more orcs in front of you Or more orcs behind you

Yes I follow Adele Or more orcs behind you. Yes. I follow Adele. On your circuit around the castle, the keep, you can tell that the host here must be quite large, at least maybe a thousand strong, probably more. That is a, well well it's like not it wouldn't account for all of the bodies that you've heard about in the reports but it's certainly like a sizeable portion of them are here although it like you know you can't see over the walls so it is kind of hard to

tell so is that plan sneaking up getting round to back, Odell gestures for you guys to get up closer with him towards the moat. And you can tell that the patrols here are a lot more lax. So actually, Odell just kind of walks out of the underbrush and acts as if you guys are just another patrol. Yeah, we'll join him and try and pretend to be a patrol. Highs or lows? Null patrol. It's a classic null patrol sorry highs highs no one bothers you until you get up into the uh moat itself you look in and it's kind of like it's

full a little bit down the bottom of water but whatever water is here has been mostly drained through the ages odell gestures to the other side of the moat, and you can see what is obviously a place where poop comes out of into the moat. Oh, like a sewer hole. Yes. A bung hole. A bung hole. Yes, a bung hole. Are we going to climb up the bung hole, I say?

Odell nods. Okay. But it smells like a bum. This is not pleasant. Unpleasant entrance, but as far as stealthy entrances go, it's a golden egg. Okay. Okay. Let's climb up and get into that bunghole.

We climb up the bunghole. Climber down into the moat and then attempt to clamber up the bunghole. It's solid, is what it is. Solid bung? Solid bung comedy. What's the equation marks Marching the water up Do you have to roll for initiative Or do we get to pick

No it's just who wants to go I would say It's one at a time The thing's wide enough For you to go up it But just one at a time I think Adele First

And then I would say Cause Unky Dick looks the most Like an orc Yeah Out of all of us So I would say him last Yeah Don't lie He is the most like an orc out of all of us. So I want to take him last. I'm not going to lie, he is the most likely to get stuck.

Unky Dick. It looks like it might be a hassle for him to get up. Speaking of medical stuff, Unky Dick will die from a heart attack. Nobody's checking your cholesterol back then. That's sad. I would imagine with a huge mustache as well. What can we do for Unky Dick? I don't want to

lose him. How is his blood pressure? If I had to give him a cause of death it would probably be loving too much.

Alright so do we think he's not going to fit up there at all? No he'll well it's hard to tell until he's actually in the damn thing.

Do we have like butter or something? You do not have butter. Hopefully there's not more. Yeah, hopefully you need lubricant and there's not already lubricant there. I was imagining he'll slide right up there. We'll put him at the back and then we'll just go... Odell?

Boop. So Odell, Hector, Tiffany, Grace, Dick. Where? If I go second to... If I go just before Unky Dick I've got two pints of oil that I can just slush on back just in case we need to lube Unky Dick up

to get up that bunghole in case we need to lube Dick to get Dick up the bunghole that dick's too big. It might not fit. How did this happen? That's a fat dick right there. You gotta get up that bunghole. We didn't mean to end up in a position where we have to get fat dick

up a bunghole with lubricant. You're around the back staring at the bunghole. And you gotta get fat dick off that shit. How did this happen? It's only one thing we've got. We've got two gallons of oil to lube up fat dick, shove him up the bunghole.

Jesus Christ. How did it take so long for us to even think of that? I know. Oh, my God. It's like we walked into it. That's like pieces were just connected as we went. All of a sudden

we ended up with a perfect joke. Is this the crassest joke that we've made? I almost say it's not because it's so

it didn't come from a place of crass. It's so organic. It's so organic. We never intended it to be this way. We didn't think, oh, this will be funny. We were just like, guys, what the fuck?

First of all, we need to go for Bungle. Dicks and fantasy might not fit. Hey, let's oil him up. Oh, no. So many, like, so you had to randomly roll to get an ally instead of anyone else way back in Fairburn Point. You had to make a bung joke.

I had to make... No, we're not even done. I had to make a character whose name could turn into Dick. We had to name him Unky Dick, affectionately. Not rich. Bring him along with, keep him alive. We had to make the bung joke. It's all beautiful.

Adele O'Dell fellow. Had to decide that we need to take a seal pipe. That's amazing. Beautiful, beautiful. So how does Anki Dick fare up that bung hole? Yes. Well, first off, Adele has to try a couple times to actually clamber up. Well, the bunghole has started to be used again, so there's some mess.

Then it was... I almost want to light some incense. But I feel it's not going to do anything. I feel like the smell is permeating everywhere. Who was next, Tiffany? No, me. Tiffany's at the back to lube Dick. I just got two pints of oil in case.

Grace, you're up. Good. Good. Good to know. Dick is in the bunghole. What about Tiffany? She should yell that during sex. Hang on.

I'm about to roll to see if he gets stuck. I was in front of him. Oh, you were in front. Oh, I'm sorry. Takes Tiffany a couple tries, but she's up there as well. Heise or Lose? Heise. Heise.

All right, he's fine. Thank God. Get that dick in that bottle. Went in dry. It's all good. All right, one more roll. Saved myself a pint of oil, I did. He's good to go.

Went in dry. For another day. I'll have a pint of oil, I did. He's good to go. For another day. There's a terrifying moment where Sir Grace maybe was going to fall back out, knocking everyone with him, but it's okay. Thank God.

That would have been a classic dad. Not as in dads in general as in you, dad. Just making it worse for everyone else. A classic dad, you say, Tiffany. Tiffany, as you're climbing up, your hand hits a solid chunk that had just gotten caught and slips. You slide back down. You hit Unky Dick.

Oh, no. Pop Dick at the bottom. Highs or lows? Lows. I'm feeling low. Good news, bad news. Unky Dick stops you from sliding back. No.

Bad news is he stops you because he gets stuck. Oh, no. Well, we know the solution here. Yeah. Okay. I scramble up so that I'm no longer pushing on him. Oh, no. All right.

You're able to do it. It's been like five minutes. You guys are just waiting in the loos. Highs or lows? Hang on. I want to do this. Lows. I want someone pooping on us. All right.

So, would you like me to re-roll? No. Never re-roll. Clever. You are undisturbed, which is a little disappointing for me because I wanted an orc to come in and you have to make awkward talk with it as it sits down to shit. That's the dream. They're like, you can't use this one.

It's plastic. Occupy! What? Occupy. Occupy. These are like restroom type thing. It's just kind of like a bench almost with seats. Like a classic Roman shitting situation.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. And they all just go into the one hole. So, you're able to scramble up. Yeah. You're a bit above Unky Dick.

Unky Dick actually probably just gives it a shot to see if he can extract himself. And you know what? He actually just gets himself out. Oh, good on him. He just had to maneuver properly. Unky Dick is the best. He's pretty much the hero of this story.

Oh, you're having a lot of problems getting up this shit tube. It's because I've got hooves. You fall back down. Of course it's because you have hooves. You've got no grip. You fall back down and hit Unky Dick again. Can I drop a rope down? Yeah.

Do you have a rope? Yeah. Highs or lows? Highs. Highs? You're both out. You slide back out into the mud. I'll drop that. It's 50 foot of rope.

Is the bunghole 50 foot long? It's a bit shorter. I'll drop the rope down. You guys are watching the hallway in case an orc comes to shit. I'm going to go up first and I'm going to hand a pint of oil to Unky Dick And it's going to be like

Just in case With the rope everyone gets up I take my oil back Did you use it Unky Dick? You are all filthy Some more than others Some of you spent a lot of time in there I'm covered in bung

Maybe when you landed in the moat Some fell off But then I guess you put it right back on Like that's where it piles up I hate that I smell like arsehole You don't smell like arsehole You smell like shit When we

So just thinking When we see other orcs Are they not going to wonder why we're covered in shit? Or has it made us better? Fit in more with orcs. Odell kind of like shrugs slash shakes his head. Like he doesn't know, but he actually, if he had to guess, would say no. I don't think it is going to matter.

If they can probably smell us, they can see us. Yeah. Then there is going to matter. If they can probably smell us, they can see us. Yeah. Then there is going to be a problem. I mean, if you are suspicious of someone, but they smell terrible, you're going to be like, they're probably fine. You don't want to make a thing. That's a good point. All right.

Does Adele know the way? Adele know the way? Do you ask him that? Yeah, I guess. Where are we going, Adele? Adele shakes the way? Adele know the way? Do you ask him that? Yeah, I guess. Where are we going, Adele? Adele shakes his head. Where should we go, Adele? Adele like gestures like in a spiral pattern.

I'm guessing we try to go to the main keep, like the main hole or whatever. That would probably be a basement, like a dungeon. Do you reckon there's like a basement, like a dungeon. Do you reckon there's like a king room? A throne room? I think yes, there is a king room. Yeah, but if someone was mind controlling them.

Wear pipes up. I reckon we should check bedrooms first. Why? It's night time. Oh, yeah. That is a good point. Also, if there is any orcs that are sleeping, we can... Yeah, I'm always up for killing the sleeping orcs

Click click Do a little kick in the air Alright let's go find bedrooms How do you want to play this? Do you want to play it mostly like Quiet sort of stealth You're less likely to encounter anyone But if you do encounter someone They're probably going to think it's suspicious

That you smell like shit and are trying to hide I feel like we go stealthy unless we hear someone, in which case we do the classic, like, yeah, just walking around. Until they left and then we ducked down again. You know what I mean? Stealthy. It's good to be an orc. I love tusks.

I enjoy the killing of innocents. It hurts me saying that. Lois. Lois. You do encounter one group of orcs. There's six of them in total.

None of them see through to your skies, though. You're probably just like you're in a hallway and you see because there's no lights on in the hallways, but you can see light from a torch coming around the corner you all stop just like lean up against the wall act casual is that the plan just start having a conversation uh maybe those of you who are convincing try to hide those who aren't convincing and the group of six orcs marches past without any sort of like any fuss not giving you a second look you can see all six of them have that eye slapped on the

side of their heads and they're moving very like there's no squabbling there's no fighting and as they move it's as if they're like like there's no how would i say this there's like they're not jostling each other or no no no it's more than that it's like yeah it's like they're communicating telepathically with each other almost once they pass i'd like to be like adele we don't have eyes slap our faces but also i don't think eyes. Slap our faces. But also, I don't think they noticed. I guess if God is wrong, I'm not going to notice if you don't have eyes. They think they are mind-controlled.

Yeah, they are. They are not mind-controlled. Let's just keep it going. I think we should adjust our like, rah, rah, rah, to more like, rah, rah, rah. Not a bad idea. It's probably a good idea. Good idea. Thank you. Adele, like, actually, don't talk at all.

Adele gestures as if he's just got an idea he maybe had when he said like we don't have eyes he maybe like grabbed at his uh disguise kit but he puts it back away and he get he gestures for i don't know i'll say you sir grace to kneel down so that he can so that your head height with him what's up fella he draws on the side of your head the shape of an eye. You can't see it, but you two can see that he's just recreating what the mark looks like. It appears he has some magic to him. The fuck did he do?

What did he do? He made the eye look so pretty good. Are you mind controlled by him? I don't feel mind controlled. Then you're pretty good. I don't think so. He puts up a single hand. To me, to me, to me, to me. Yes, yes. We'll do each other. Oh, you're pretty good. I don't think so. He puts up a single hand.

Do me, do me, do me. Yes, yes. We'll do each other. Oh, you're turning away. I see. To present your cheek to him. Yes, I'm not. He draws one on you as well. I'm not turning my back on you.

Hey, Adam. Stop blanking, Adam. Oh, my God. You're so rude. I do it to me and Anki Dick. Cool. He shakes his head. Why not? Two.

He's only got two. Thanks for using the one man. Did he do himself? No. Suspicious. Everybody get a towel. Get him. Alright. Cut off his hand. It's magic What an elaborate trap Fuck, funny

Well, keep looking for bedrooms Yes You break into vocals like These people are all actors I have cursed thee He was a witch Heist Heist?

Alright You come across sleeping quarters Not like for anyone fancy just for the uh like a barracks like the barracks yeah uh there's a lot of orcs here anything any room for personal effects has been just pushed out of the way and just tons and tons of bunk beds are in here you think you've maybe found another thousand orcs just crammed into this one barracks. I shake my head and let's leave. We could burn them.

Quickly. We could burn them. Odell seems to find a little humor in this situation and jokingly is like, slit their throats. Systematically, one by one, we go through Adam Roll a thousand times. You would be here all night. No, we wouldn't.

We'd die much faster than that. That was good. You get plus one experience point. Yay. Thank you. I say it in neutral zero. Just remember, you're level five. We've got to fix that for you.

No, no, no. No, no. I don't know about that, Adam. I feel like all sleeping quarters are going to be like this. Yeah, that's how it is. Let's try and find a main hub. Could we burn the whole place down? It's just cosmic.

Would that solve our problem? It's made of stone. It's made of stone. It's very hard to burn stone. Yeah, but you'd burn people in it. The stone would get hot. People would be like, that's warm. But what is it catching on fire is my question.

The people and oil. I've got oil. I don't. I don't Let's just table that If we use Okay Is it shelf?

Let's shelf that I feel like I could reach it on the table It's on the shelf It's out of harm's way Yeah, no fair We'll try and find like a throne room Or a main hall Main entry, yeah

You know A foyer, if you will Highs or lows? High? Highs? Yeah, highs. Yeah, highs. Highs?

All right. This one's important. Would you like me to re-roll? Never re-roll. Never re-roll. Stand firm. Never re-roll. Stand firm?

Yeah. All right. Cheeky face. What was the conversation you guys were just having? Something about finding a manhole I should burn Sorry? I thought the conversation we were just having was

I should burn everything Actually you know what, yeah, that's the conversation you're having You say the words Like, not very quietly I should burn everything As you turn a corner and you literally smack face to face with a gnoll. The gnoll's got that eye thing on the side of its head. You look at him, it looks at you.

It has no expression. You have an expression and it can tell that you have an expression. So combat begins with it and its three allies. Crap, fucking gnolls. Crap. Fucking dolls. Oh, no. Oh, everyone keep real quiet. Everyone fight silent. We're going to fight quiet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a silent battle. You're still quite close to the barracks. I'll let you know. Oh, God, guys. Okay. I could just fog cloud and then we're gone. We're a ghost.

Then they would look for us. Shit. Not if we need to make them die. Yes, we do. In this game, are we able to, if we stab something in its heart, does it die immediately? Depends. Depends on what?

But, like, real life me could take many blows to me limbs and me gams. Real life me, yes. All the hits to the gams. But if someone hit me in the chest with a knife... That's you done. You mean a stab? Yes. If someone gave me a stab,

I don't think it'd last as long as if I was just getting whacked in the gams. You're not wrong. That's true. Although if they stabbed you in the right artery in your gams not wrong. That's true. Although if they stabbed you in the right artery in your gans. Yeah, that's true. There you go. Yeah. I like in Deadlands, which is a cowboy role-playing system,

you can get... It's like divided into your arms and your legs and your guts and your noggin. And if you lose in your arms and legs, you don't die, you just don't have arms and legs anymore. It's very easy to be just a nugget. That's alright.

Grace, you were right behind Tiffany. You see what happened? Oh, God. There's four of them in total. Okay. Only one of them has the eye mark though the other three don't do i arms of hadar or fog cloud just stab twice ah stab twice i'd like to get my spear over the top anyone particular the fellow that's attacking no one's attacked yet. It's just they obviously are about to. Yeah, I'll stab the one.

The one that Tiffany slammed into. All right. Eye boy. Eye boy. Double eyeball. Eyeballs too. You hit him once. Got him.

Your spear comes in between Tiffany's arm and chest. That's a solid jab forward. You deal eight points of damage. Shit, yes. And I'll do that again with my... Yeah, yeah, you did. The second time you miss. Tiffany jumps as the spear passes between her

arm and chest and that causes your second stab to go off course and miss completely. Dad's made a mistake and it's my fault so where steps around the corner and you can see that he's grabbed a big like vase just on display oh so god he's the best i saw this in a play he cracks it over one of their heads i love that unky wears weapon of choice is whatever he can find.

So, as he lifts it up, the water and flowers in the vase fall on his head, cascade down him, he slips and tumbles backwards. You bloody Three Stooges movie, Unky Dick. Are the orcs or gnolls? Gnolls. Sorry, did I say orcs? No Are the orcs or gnolls? Gnolls. Gnolls. Sorry, did I say orcs? No, no, the orcs are sleeping.

I was just confused. Are they put off at all by our bungy demeanors? Probably not. It's not even useful. It's an unfortunate thing that happened to us. Odell steps around the corner. He's standing next to you, Tiffany, and he jabs a knife

that came out of nowhere right into the knoll with the eye in eye on the side of his head right into its belly he draws it away and you can tell he's quite dismayed when the knoll does not react at all they never react these fucking knolls the knoll you guys ever seen... What's the name of the movie? It's like The Body Snatchers. I think it's just called The Body Snatchers. Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Yeah. You all know what I'm...

I don't think the listeners at home know what I mean. You point and you make a weird scream. A Sutherland. Oh, the meme.utherland. The meme. The meme. The meme. The meme. I've not seen the movie, but I know exactly what you're talking about.

It's Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Maladie is having nightmares and he's like barking. Is it because of Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Just Google Doug's Maladie. Anyway, the gnoll with the eye on the side of its head points at you, Tiffany, and does

that. With noise? Probably with noise, yeah. It screams. Like that. Jesus. That's so scary

coming out of a I'm just glad he's expressing himself, you know? Oh, and then in the distance. No, no, no. No, no.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Nothing good comes from the distance. Hector,, no. No, no. Oh, Jesus. Oh, jeez. Nothing good comes from the distance. Hector, you can't hear, but Grace and Tiffany, you can both hear in the distance echoing from other parts of the castle. Oh, shit. Oh, this sounds very bad. Oh, they're connected by the brain, of course. They're connected by the brain, yeah.

Oh, jeez. Okay, so... Okay, so then the other three gnolls attack, I'm going to say, Odell and Tiffany. Oh, no. Cheat. Ineffectually. The two gnolls that tried to attack you, Tiffany, they stab forward with their spears, but between... Do you have a weapon out? Would you have a weapon out would you have a weapon out no no all right maybe your like tail is whipping back and forth trying to keep them at bay which doesn't affect them that much but odell who's also whipping

around a knife and your father who's just stabbing forwards wildly with his spear, is enough to sort of scare them off from the attack. And none of them are able to score a hit. That's good. I'm glad of that. Tiffany, it is your turn. So, I've still got the one in front of me or has he been knocked aside? No, none of them have been incapacitated yet.

The one with the eye has been hit a bit, but he's not down. Is he still like just bumped into me? Yeah, it's kind of like bumped into you immediately, like quick reactions from people. It's you. Oh, so he's close. How loud is Witch Bolt? You know what?

It doesn't matter at this stage. They're all yelling. Oh, could I actually attempt to stab him in the heart and kill him to death? How loud is Witch Bolt? You know what? It doesn't matter at this stage. They're all yelling. Oh, could I actually attempt to stab him in the heart and kill him to death? And kill him. I mean, you can try. You can certainly try. How effective you are is another matter. Are you better with your melee or are you better as a spellcaster?

I think I'm better as a spellcaster. In the current situation, I would actually say you're probably better to use a dagger or rapier. Okay. Like, the literal situation you're in right now, if you hit, you'll probably do a lot more damage with a sneak attack, which is your primary damage ability in combat. Okay, well, I try and sneaky stab him in the heart. I'd say you draw your rapier Because you see no reason to just take out a dagger at this point Combat is properly engaged

Noise is happening What does it matter? Yeah You draw your rapier and stab at him Go big or go home To hell Exactly I mean, yeah

I don't say that out loud i love how you're always like if i die not when for you no if if i die there's a lot of terrible things waiting for me if i die yeah you get him in the heart, he dies. Thank goodness. Pierce that furry flesh. You pierce deep into him and he's like, just cuts immediately and abruptly. He looks down. For the first time ever, you've seen one of these creatures react as your rapier comes back out with the majority of this creature's heart,

but not all of it. Just a lot of heart. Anyone up for stew? There are three other gnolls. Stew? I tried to be cool like Hector. The I gnoll collapsed.

I just don't eat it. I would like to cast magic weapon as a bonus action. And then I will attack one gnoll. And then hopefully maybe kill someone. You hit with your first strike.

Dealing 10 plus 15 damage total. You lob off one of its arms. It looks quite surprised. And I attack him again. You hit again. You lob off its other arm.

It looks very surprised. It dies. I'm like, it's still alive. I didn't realise you were holding on for that. Like, Christ. At that point, if you're a... Ah, shit. I flail. Two gnolls down. You can

hear... things running towards you guys. Grace, it's your turn. Can I cast from the direction they're coming in the Arms of Hader? Oh, that creates like tentacles, right? Creates like tentacles that'll stop them. Yeah, okay. Yeah, fine.

You create a bit of a buffer zone. I imagine it's painful looking. You draw within yourself for the magical energy that you have been cursed slash gifted with. The relevant tattoos upon your body burn in pain and the black tentacles leap forth behind you guys, creating a buffer.

God, I'm almost going to just blink. Dad? Divine sense. What is it? What is he? If you're really concerned Then you turn back around to look at him Maybe a little bit of black ooze is dripping out of his pant leg I think to myself

Maybe dad's part teethling Maybe that's why he adopted me Sure That'll do. I'm just thinking that in my head. You can attack if you want. Rightio, then I'll throw my spear because I'm assuming I'm kind of away from everybody

to fill the hallway properly. You chucked your spear. You surprisingly hit one of the two remaining gnolls, dealing four points of damage. And I'll bring it back because that's my bonus action. Yeah, alright. You call it back to you. It's actually more of a, rather

than like Thor's hammer where it leaps. Oh, it just kind of appears back in my hand. Yeah, it like disappears where it is and appears in your hand. That's a good party trick. You can throw it at someone and before it hits them like... I could be like, I've lost my spear. Has anybody seen it? Oh, wait a second. Nobody could be a magician in D&D.

They couldn't. Like, you'd be impressed by someone when you're like, there are fucking wizards in a goddamn college. Who cares if you can do a card trick? I think I'd still find magic impressive even if I knew there were magicians. Not a magician, though. It's about the showmanship. Come on, Jackson.

Yeah, it would be an honesty system i feel like you'd need to show papers of like no evidence of magic i'm not actually a wizard i would still be impressed especially at first we talk about how fred and george casually do magic in front of muggles to like get laid do they that's it that's in one of the books like harry is over i forget for what reason i think it's one of the later books yeah fred and george must have been out of school at this point so it's got to be one of the later books and uh harry sorry is over at the weasley house and fred and george are like needling ron because he can't do magic yet outside of school and they're like oh, we're going to go down to the village

now. There's a girl there who thinks our magic tricks are amazing. They're just like real magic. The implication being they're getting laid on the backs of them being able to do magic. How dare wizards! If they were in 1930s

New York, they could be killed for that. That's true, though. What scumbags. Fucking wizards. Fucking wizards, mate. What the fucking wizards. Get rid of them.

Yep. Lock them up. Put them in a tower. Yep. How dare wizards. Anyways. Giving me arse ache. Giving the bong ache. anyways giving me arse ache giving the bung ache will Jackson be able to use

his magical powers to get laid find out next time on the search for a helm a D&D is for nerds adventure thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you'll find us at Sandspanceradio. Or you can find us individually.

I'm at All Dogs Are Dead. I'm at Retro Archetype. I'm at Goddammit Zammit. And I'm at Jackson B. Bailey. And if you want to hear our other shows, head to Sandspanceradio.com and you'll find all of our content there. There's heaps.

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