D&D is For Nerds - The Search for A'Helm #7 Hiding from Goblin

Episode Date: April 7, 2018

In which our heroes all tap their noses then open the snoring door.Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeCass: https://twitter.com/JacksonBBalyJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sam's Pants Radio, can I borrow your glasses? Hey, do you love D&D but hate Adam and Cass? Yeah, fair. Well, have I got news for you. Jackson and Zammett and some other people are going to be performing live at the European Beer Cafe for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival on the 14th and 21st of April.

Who are those other people you won't stop asking? Well, you rude fuck, we've got Joel motherfucking Dusha. Plus, get this, on the 14th of April we've got Claire Sullivan, Martin Dunlop, and Reese Nicholson. And on the 21st, we've got Jess Perkins, Dave Warnicke, and handsome

fuckaroo Michael Shanks. Unfortunately, it's 18+. So if you're underage, you ain't coming. Unless you sneak past the guards, and that's fine. Head to sandspinsradio.com slash live to grab your tickety-tickerooney tickets today. Hurry up while stock's lost. Fire sale! Welcome to episode 7 of The Search for a Helm, a D&D's for nerds adventure.

Erstwhile. Under cover of darkness we will leave. Thumbs up. Well, we have a light spell now, so in case we decide not to go in darkness, we have the option. That is a very good idea, Tiffany. Evil. Evil is near.

The veil is thin. Our world, your world, and the immaterial planes are close where you are. Evil has seeped through. I think to myself green boy and then don't do anything about it. I wonder if he knows but then decide it's definitely not

my place to ever mention anything to him. So your bloodline was touched by something of a, in a demonic sense. Mine was touched by a celestial sense. So my parents were uh... This is better than you I guess. I do not, I did not say that at all. This is not the best. Mine was touched by a celestial sense. So my parents were... This is better than you, I guess. I did not say that at all.

This is not the best... Unpleasant entrance, but as far as stealthy entrances go, it's a golden egg. All six of them have that eye slapped on the side of their heads, and they're moving very, like... There's no squabbling. There's no fighting. All right.

You call it back to you. It's actually more of a... Rather than like Thor's hammer where it leaps. Oh, it just kind of appears back in my head. Yeah, it like disappears where it is and appears in your head.

Cool. That's a good point. In your fight with the gnolls, there's one left. Where? Get up. Oh. What's he going to use

as a weapon? Probably his sword. He draws his sword. Can he sort of see it and be like, ooh? Of course. Looks around. Damn. Yeah, sure.

He looks around to be like, I need a weapon. Oh, wait. He draws his sword. He swings once, dealing 20 points of damage, killing him. Fuck. It was a critical hit. Oh, my God. We just blasted these bad boys.

Like, cuts it in half, twice. Cuts it in thirds. Quarters? He cuts off a couple slices of it for a sandwich later. We've both had a moment of confusion. We're like, one of us is wrong or are we both right?

I feel like if you cut it in quarters it's four cuts. No, but no, it's half twice. Two cuts, two quarters. Depends on what you're cutting. If it's half... No! Yes it does. No. I can cut someone into thirds with two cuts You can but you wouldn't be cutting it in half twice

But then you're not quartering someone Oh okay cutting it in half twice I see what you mean I just made the thought This is what I was envisioning Alright everyone Cut down one shoulder Cut down the other shoulder That's thirds

And I know that not all of you Were privy to what I was imagining One shoulder, cut down the other shoulder. That's thirds. That's fair. That is thirds. And I know that not all of you were privy to what I was imagining. Because how could you ever? Horizontally. I imagine like half once, ooh, half twice with the slice. But half once is down the head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So vertical, then horizontal.

A limb for each chunk. I bestow a limb for every chunk may every chunk have a limb and every limb a chunk you get my vote i think we finally actually mooted adam one left adam no i think you gotoll You gonna be okay there, buddy? Is he gonna be alright? Can I just hold your arm? So, where Slices deftly with his sword Lopping the knoll's nose off Or part of its snout off

The knoll reaches up Screaming to clutch it where its snout was And when it does that Ware stabs forward with his sword, skewering one hand, skewering the second hand, jamming into the hole that he made. Donkey, donkey, funky Ware. I know I said he cut it in half and stuff like that, but he did that instead.

Yeah, that's cool. That's a lot simpler. Yeah, I can grasp that concept immediately. Make hole, put thing in hole. Easy, that's cool. That's a lot simpler. Yeah, I can grasp that concept immediately. Make hole, put thing in hole. Easy. Done. And then Odell does nine points of damage by just quickly

like prison stabbing the other gnoll. Shanken. Hanken for a shanken. He Michael shanks it in the chest. Perfect. Right here. Then it is the gnolls turn.

Hi, Zolot. How many gnolls do we have left? One. We just stabbed the shit out of it. It runs. It just turns tail and runs. What direction? Back the way you guys were marching.

Into my tentacles, then? No, the other way. Back the way we were marching. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. All right.

Then it is Tiffany's turn. Wait. Get him. So he's running. He's running away? He's running the way we came back to it. He's running away from the troubles in his life. He's running away.

How amazing to think that we have such an impact on another living soul. It's just moments like this when you just listen to David and you're like, all right. Yes, I try and crossbow him. Right. Thunk. Give him a thunk. Oh, I was going to say thunk. That's amazing.

It's such a crossbow noise. Get him with a th thunk Get him with a thunk Get him with a thunk thunk You sloppily fire your light crossbow Sloppily as in like There's not a lot of Dip it in the olive oil Maybe you got very clammy hands as well The crossbow jumps in your arms when the bolt is fired,

and your attack goes wide. Anyone who was maybe watching wonders whether you wanted to hit that gnoll in the first place. Okay. I'd say, yeah, that's what's waiting for you if you come back. I get quiet because I know't know what's listening. Odell, while he can't pat you on the shoulder, he pats you on the side in a similar comforting attempt.

I love him. That's not good. I messed you up. I love him. That's fucked up. I think Melody wants to give out she's just chilling she's just chilling at the door wanting to leave

I don't mean like I'm in love with him I'm just like wow this is an important person in my life that's still not healthy oh boy you're in love with and consider a close friend two enemies of the state No, I'm not in love with him

I just like, oh my god, I don't even like him Um, no I don't love him I just met him Like, he just No, Adam No You barely know these people.

He keeps running. It is Hector's turn. Can I, if I ran up with him, can I get into him? As in, like, catch up with him? No, you'd only just be able to, like, keep up with each other. I'm going to run and throw a trident at him. Yeah, you can do that. Yeah, because we don't know him sending messages. The other gnolls. Mm-hmm. You hit him with the trident at him. Yep, you can do that. Yeah, because we don't know him sending messages.

The other gnolls. You hit him with the trident. Gracious. Is that Melody? Just another dog. Just one of the stray dogs that are around here. You hit it with the trident. Dealing five points of damage.

Could I have smited that as a bonus action as well? Proactively Proactively Retroactively Retrograde Retrograde Retrograde Guys

Yeah? Yeah? Yeah, sure you can Awesome The searing one Catch him on fire He threw that with Moxie Don't throw cards at me

It landed on the floor Adam had to bend Catch him on fire. You threw that with Moxie. Don't throw cards at me. It landed on the floor. Adam had to bend. Catch him on fire. Adam hates bending. No one likes a bend. Nobody likes bending. Except if they're in straws. Technically, this is for a melee weapon attack. You're making a ranged melee weapon attack.

I'll allow it, though. It's fine. Deal six turns on target. to melee with an attack. I'll allow it, though. It's fine. Deal a 6% target. Oh, gosh. Alright, well, you also combust the gnoll.

It takes an extra 4 points of damage, and it is on fire. Every turn, it needs to make a constitution-saving throw or just keep burning. I would like to imagine that's like a split second after the hit so like i feel like for comedic timing that's what you need absolutely not instantaneous even before hitting it begins before the blow hits but yeah you charge down the corridor heft the trident as hard as you can the trident sails

true striking the gnoll right in the back the gnoll stumbles a little bit and then a moment later bursts in the flames hey from your extended viewpoint you can actually see that the gnoll is running into what is quite obviously the entry chamber it's got this like long threadbare rug you can tell that a lot of the decorations to this place have been removed taken away moved to the side or whatever this place is utility only and in the main corridor in the main entryway you can see that there's access to higher levels but no stairs just a landing to get up to higher levels. And on those higher levels, you see a statue, a large dominating statue.

We're going to see a picture of it in the monster manual. Oh, it's an alive statue. Or a statue of- He's a golem. It's a golem. Try not to read. What the fuck is it? It's like, think of- Legs McGuy. Just basically tentacles. Try not to read. What the fuck is it? It's like, think of...

Legs McGuy. Just basically tentacles. Legs McGuy. Hold on to it so you can get a closer look. Just don't read. Just basically think of a squid. Yeah. In both directions.

Yeah, in both directions with its center, a beak or an eye. A medusa, but instead of a face, just an eye. Just head. And instead of a face, just an eye. Just head. And instead of snakes, tentacles. And at the end of those tentacles, instead of suckers, more eyes. Oh, good. Oh, good. It's a statue.

Is this like the classic... Beholder? Yes. Ant holder. No. Big eyeball, little eyeball. It's probably a kind of beholder. I wouldn't be surprised if it is a

beholder. Joke's on you guys. It's a zombie. Just think of a... Damn it, a good gag there. If I was fucking clever, it would have been Joke's on you guys. It's a statue. Yeah. Unfortunately, I'm not that clever. It just looks like a gross squid

With more eyes than it should have Imagine you're looking at an octopus from underneath And instead of a beak mouth It's got an eyeball And you're like I gotta tell SeaWorld about this I love the idea that you You routinely report things

To SeaWorld Like you found something in the sea and you're like, SeaWorld needs to know about this because it's outside of our jurisdiction. When did this happen? Hello, SeaWorld? Yes, it's Jackson again.

I found a strange squid. Pass me the book. Jackson, is this just another regular squid? They're all strange looking. Oh, no, it was upside down. Yeah. And I know it's a statue. Well, I guess you don't know it's a statue.

No, just stop. Oh, God. I mean, it certainly probably terrifies you a little bit. What's my God name again? Yeah. Have we taken it back? Oh, you haven't seen it yet. Oh.

Yeah. It's only because Hector ran. Oh, holy Galadia. Galadia? Oh, Galadia. Graceadia? Poor Galadia. Grace, it's your turn. You can hear people getting closer, but they're not here yet. I will still maintain my tentacles,

and I'll scan around to see if there's anybody else kind of within range for me, and if not, it's me done. You can see Hector off a bit. You can see the gnolls still running. Actually, you know what I'll do? Can I cast Fog Cloud in front of me? In front of you as in? As in over the tentacles?

You sure can. Don. I'm making a trap. You use the Fog Cloud, I assume, to obscure the tentacles? Yeah. So it becomes impossible nearly to see them clearly. You can still see hints of them because the fog cloud isn't perfect but it like it you know if someone isn't paying attention sprinting ahead they might fall for it cool no then what was where doing oh

that's right he killed someone with a sword where charges after after you he, but he can only get up to you. The same with Odell. Odell probably grabs you, Grace, by the hem and gives like a tug just before he fucks off. Okay. Like the implication is clear. We're leaving. All right. Then it is...

The gnoll keeps sprinting. He sprints into the hole proper. And he's on fire. Oh, right. Yeah, he's cooking, Adam. Barbecue right. Yeah, he's cooking at him. Barbecue city. No, he isn't. Damn. Damn it. Burn. Smokey knoll.

Tiffany. Okay, so have I seen everyone turn around and leg it? Odell's making it quite obvious to people, yeah. Okay. If you charge forward, you could fire with your crossbow again. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. You charge forward, you could fire with your crossbow again. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that. You charge forward, reloading as you go, probably fumbling a little bit with your clammy hands.

I imagine they're still a bit covered in oil. They're covered in something. Oh, it might be just bung. Yeah. Bung juice. Just a bit of bung juice. Just a bit of bung juice. Ain't nothing wrong with a bit of bung. There's a nothing wrong with a bit of bung juice.

There's a lot wrong with a bit of bung juice. This time, I guess you're used to the oily nature of your hands and the, like, sort of chaotic nature of this particular fight, but you're able to track the gnoll as it runs, fire your crossbow, your crossbow bolt lands dead center of its back. It falls, like its momentum still carries it forward a couple steps, but it hits the ground quite quickly. It's down.

I do a little fist pump as I keep running away. All right. I guess, like, you're all running after each other, get into the main entryway. Yep. You're in the main hallway. You can all see it now, the awful threadbare rug. Evidence that there was more, you know, you get your side tables,

maybe like a large vase or something like that here and there. All of that sort of shit, there's evidence that it's been swept away to make more room in this area. And then a second landing above you, but the landing has no stairs to get to it. It's as if they were expecting you to fly. You can still hear noise and commotion going on about the place. Again, it is not a race of people.

You could fly, maybe. I guess, but only for a limited time. Can we all see the gross statue? Yeah, you can all see the gross statue. Do I know what it's of? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, can we check? I didn't look.

I didn't think to think. It was just like, oh, gross. It's got too many bits. It is wrong. It is a wrong thing for this world. Like too many bits coming from me. Like, oh, yeah, five limbs is the right amount. Five's the limit.

Tiffany, you know a mind witness is a type of beholder. Five limbs is the right amount. Five's the limit. Tiffany, you know a mind witness is a type of beholder. So you were saying before. I didn't realize we knew that. The big old eye creature with the eye stalks. They're known for, well, being telepathic, being able to hover. And they often operate either on their own, away from their own kind or sometimes with illithids

what are they? mind flare mind flare like a Cthulhu lad imagine like a squid fella beholder with legs leggy beholder. So illithids, mind flayers, or sometimes Cthulhus,

are like squid people almost in a way. Often associated with being very powerful, having like powerful mental processes, like being very intelligent, but also like being able to mentally control others. They'll eat your brain. Also, they eat brains, yeah. That's actually kind of how they reproduce.

Sure. They eat your brain and then put a worm in your head that becomes a lithid brain, and then you become an illithid. That's cool. So they're like using humans as pot plants. Like they grow a...id. That's cool. So they're like using humans as pot plants. Like they grow a... Yes.

That's awesome. Are we hairy men? Anyway. Would it work on me, a tiefling? Yes. Yeah. Oh, no. Some types of illithids prefer the taste of different types of brains.

So, like, every different... It explains this in the books. Every different race of creatures, their brain tastes different. And some illithids are like, I will not eat halfling brain. It's too bitter for me. Great. Oh, joy. How old does the statue look?

It's covered in dust, so quite old. This entire place looks quite old. Yeah, but I thought maybe they made the statue recently. I don't know. No, no, no. The statue is as old as everything else here. It's a bit. Yeah.

Just give it a polish. It only looks like it's here simply because it's part of the floor, so it couldn't be picked up and moved away, potentially. So everything looks like people can fly. Do illithids have wings? Illithids do not have wings, but beholders can fly. All right. Does this place look big enough for a beholder to...

Quite easily, yeah. Ah. Anyway, those footsteps are getting closer. I've made the squid trap. It's fine. There's, like, many entrances and exits to this hallway. Oh, crap. I'm sorry, we can't all make a squid trap.

Like, there's any of a dozen number of doors that you could select if you wanted to leave via a door. Can I leave my trap there and still hide? How does that work? Well, yes, you can. It's fine. I'll allow it. We need to find some way to hide.

Let's find out. That's a went. First door, just slam into hide. Let's find out. There's not a went. First door. Just slam into it. Burst through the first door? Sure thing. Highs or lows? Let's go with highs.

Highs. Always highs. Never lows. No, you switch your game. You're a switchy man. Oh, actually, I know what I want to do. I'm a tricky boy. All right.

All right, Jack. Spicy boy. So just give yourself a moment. Now, Zamit. Sorry. Giving myself a moment, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, yes. Cassie?

Oh, thank you. All right. So, I want you both to roll those dice and keep them covered so no one can see. Okay. In this moment. Now. Highs or lows? Highs.

You're picking highs, so highs is good. Now, Cassie, Zamat, you may not say anything. Looking into their eyes, you may not give any gestures. Just communicating with eyes now. Pick one of them. I choose Cassie. Cassie, what did you get?

43. I got 44. And she's Cassie Cassie, what did you get? 43 I got 44 God damn it These are beautiful I tried to signal no with my eyes I think it worked Hold on to them, I want to play this game again I saw your eyes shaking, I'm like, that's like a head

That's Sam's version of a head right now But I lost either way Okay, so you burst open this door And the corridor is actually largely empty like a head. It's Sam's version of a head right now. But I lost either way. Okay, so you burst open this door and the corridor is actually largely empty. There's probably some smaller versions of that statue up on the landing, but

very tiny versions, like things that you could pick up and move, but they're set into the wall so you can't pick them up and move. There's a couple doors to your right and then just the path leading onwards. I'd like to nudge Adele and be like, uh, is that the evil? And point to the

squid thing. He furrows his brow and shakes his head. Oh, okay. There's something worse? Yeah, something worse, Adele? It's not me. Shrugs. You have a lot of information, Adele. Adele starts, like, charging down the corridor, but as he does it, he's, like, opening doors, checking what's inside.

Cool. Would I have... I might let him run. I'm like, locate object, dispel. Yeah. Would I be able to, like, locate something that, say, a helm is wearing? If you... He'd be familiar to me.

Yeah, you need to know something that he's wearing. That'd be a good spell if you wanted to track someone to use like a... Yeah, like a spider trace. Like just drop your sock in or something. Drop your sock in. I'll let it move on. Yep, let's move on. I guess I'll follow adele all right eventually

he opens a door that is quite obviously like a service cupboard sort of thing where there's you know supplies for cleaning blah blah shit like that when he opens that one he like a expression release relief crosses his face and he gestures for everyone to get inside you all climb in he climbs in last closes the door and kind of of just holds onto it like a child might try to keep a door closed. Good idea. Is there like a little keyhole we can look through? Yeah, sure, if you want.

Yeah, cool. We'll peer through the keyhole periodically. Have a look. See how the situation is going. Keep an ear to the door. All right. Now, Cassie, pass the dice to Jack. Oh, man.

Cassie. Oh, roll Both of you, keep it How about this, you say hi or hello And then he and Adam has to pick me or Jack Yeah Because we can give it away Only with eyes Yeah, it's real easy Or look down for like low, up for high

It's real easy Well, when you create a system, it's really easy. Exactly. It fell. It fell. I'll do it again. Okay. Oh, yes, Cassie, highs or lows?

Always go highs. Come on, Adam. Jack. 42. 51. Damn it You know I can just make up whatever I wanted anyway Yes

It doesn't matter The game's under my control There could be a trap room It opens up into a yawning abyss In fact it does No it doesn't Oh no that's probably good That's probably for the best We don't fall into an abyss. In fact, it does do that. No, it doesn't. No, that's probably good.

That's probably for the best we don't fall into an abyss today. Not today. A bunch of creatures charge past. Some of them are orcs with eyes on the sides of their heads. Some are gnolls of varying types. Sometimes even a goblin charges past but none

of them come to investigate the little broom cupboard that you guys are in until some goblins oh no can we just hold the door shut little goblins just goblins i'm gonna be like grab them one by one stab them wait pull them all in how many goblins? Three in total Oh easy Yeah can we just open the door and pull them inside? They grab at the door and try to open it Odell flashes you guys like a What are we doing? Give him the thumbs up Yeah

We all give him the thumbs up What does that mean? We try to convey Whatever I just say it Just open the door We'll just get him Open door Grab everyone Everyone grab a go say it. Just open the door. We'll just get him. Open door, grab everyone.

Everyone grab a gobble. Let's go of the door. And yeah, I suppose the goblins are quite startled. So you all get a surprise round. Grab them, pull them in. Yeah, grab them, pull them in. Snap, snap, snap. Beat the shit out of them.

Grab your gobblers. Grab your gobblers. Let's get ready. Grab your gobblers, your gobos. Let's get ready. Grab your gobos. Get to ganking. Perfect. Well, grab the gobos. Bring the gobos in.

All three goblins get grabbed and dragged in. Odell closes the door. And give me a moment to put us into an issue. I have no magic left, I don't think, which is sad. Until we have a long nap. That's all right. Stab everyone. Just spear them.

Using a spear in an enclosed... Can't be easy. Can I? Oh, I can. I can make your weapon magic as well. Ah, cheers. What does that do? It gives a plus one. Ah, that's neat.

Jesus Christ, Grace. You keep getting really well on your initiative. Good. Crafty ruggers. Doesn't really achieve much. You always feel good when you get, like, first in the initiative role, but then... Doesn't make much sense. By, like, the third round, you're like, oh, whatever.

Everybody ends up last eventually. It's done by death. Grace, you're first? I think so. You're holding a goblin. You, Hector, and Ware are holding goblins. So stabbing one with a crossbow in this, I mean, not a crossbow, my spear in this close place.

I'm going to say it's actually impossible. Can I just snap its neck? Like one might a sick dog? What? No. What? I can explain myself there because I don't know if I could. I'm revoking your vet license, Jackson. But I'm so good at it.

I'm going to do it. So the door opens. You grab a goblin, drag it in. It tries to make a snarlingling sounds you cover its mouth with your hand and so it's like and then you wrench upwards with an awful cracking sound you snap the goblin's neck and it goes limp in your arms i think it's a good move hectorector. Do the same. Snap that goblin. Snap. I wish I could do searing smart on my hands. Hector and Sir Grace,

both of your actions to grab, drag in, and snap are clean. There's like, you know, small like little sort of sounds, just brief that you can't keep in from the goblin.

But apart from that, the loudest noise that happens is simply the neck snapping. Odell closes the door and Wayne. Wayne? Who the hell is Wayne? Where, Unky? Little Wayne. Little Wayne. Little Wayne. Little Wayne. Who the hell is Wayne? Where, Unky? Little Wayne. Little Wayne. Little Wayne.

Little Wayne. He's also here with us. Bungles it. Oh, no. He tries to snap its neck, but he just smothers it a little bit. Maybe he does, however, hurt it. So maybe he grabs it so hard that the goblins have these really pronounced cheekbones. Maybe he crushes those inwards.

Pushing on them too hard. So when the goblin gets free and tries to make noise, it's making more of a gurgling bloody sound. Tiffany, it's your turn. I try and copy Dad. Yes. You try to grab its mouth, but it just bites your hand. That's going to get infected.

The hygiene of goblins. And also you're covered in filth. Oh, yeah. Did I poison him? Did I poison the goblin because he ate some bung? No. It's not unusual for them to do that sort of stuff. The goblin launches off you, Tiffany,

slams into the door and starts scrambling at it, trying to open it, but Adele is holding it firm, keeping it shut. Then it is, so Grace is turning in. Can I grab the goblin and just slam its head into the door to try and... You grab it by the scruff of its neck.

Bang! With one solid movement. You slam it against the door. A bit of blood spurts all over it, and then the goblin goes very still. I put a finger to my lips, like... Nobody heard it.

Odell does it. And you're just quiet for a moment, listening, but there's no sound. I want to, like, squat down, if I can, to Odell's level and be like, so what's the plan, Odell? Can we look at the goblins as well to see if they have eye marks or anything? No, none of these goblins had eye marks. Yeah, true. Are we just going to wait in the cupboard and kill them one by one, Adele?

Adele rolls his eyes. He just just like points upward. That's where we're going to go, up to the top? How are we going to get there? We don't fly. He does. Okay, so when you said the goblin was scrambling up the door, was he able to climb the door?

He could climb it all right, yeah. Could a goblin climb a wall? Maybe. Probably not that wall in the main entrance. Okay. Could we take the goblin's claws and use them to climb things? In the goblin's blood on the door, Odell writes a message for you.

He writes, servant's blood, on the door, Odell writes a message for you. He writes, servants entrance, question mark. Maybe we could find a dumbwaiter. Should we wait a little bit until everything dies down? Well, it's like the middle of the night, so I don't think anything's going to go, you know what I mean? Yeah, this is probably as quiet as it's going to get. We just probably got to sneak our way, try and find, yeah, a servants entrance or a dumbwaiter.

Okay. Dumbwaiter. Yeah, yeah. We know where the servants entrance might be. try and find, yeah, a servant's entrance or a dumbwaiter. Okay. Dumbwaiter. Yeah, yeah. We know where the servant's entrance might be. It's not my castle, Hector. I said, would you know where it might be, not where it is? I don't know. Okay.

Further in the goblin's blood, Odell draws what is quite obviously a crude map of the places you've been so far. It seems he's paying attention, if not you guys. That's so good of Odell. Good on him. What a champ. Before you guys leave, he kind of smears the message so no one else could come by and read it.

That's good. And it's his fingerprints. We have that technology. You dump the goblins in a bucket. A couple mop buckets and you leave. Yes. Wait, the coast is clear. Have a sneak look around, and off we chuff.

Are we clubbing in blood and poo now? Yes. Goodness gracious me. Just a lot of gore and filth. Bung. Misk bung. Hector? No, Joel.

Yes. Can you please pass your dice to Cassie? Thank you. All right your dice to Cassie. Thank you. All right. Both of you roll. Highs. Jack. 42 again.

That's better than 31. It was 42 again. I don't know. Either you're a bad liar or you can't be bothered lying, but I think I can read you better than anyone else. It was genuinely 42. Oh, wait, we could just lie. Oh, my God.

He picks you. You're like, yeah, 93. Yeah, 93. I'll have to find out. We're in for it. I suddenly got really worried because Adam's been the one who's been describing the magic powers. I'm like, but he controls them. We can't do anything to him.

We'll take our special abilities away. I will take your magic. That's true. Adam controls all. We could be like 91 and it was like, okay, cool. You die. That's us done. Pass the dice around again because we've got another one so oh incidentally hector and sir grace well so hector and sir grace i don't know why i keep

saying sir grace but hector uh you you are neither of you are very stealthy like maybe one of your armors starts falling apart you make a loud cacophony trying to put it back on, but you don't actually encounter anyone. You can hear people searching the castle, though. Yeah, so make your other roll. Lows. Lows. Trying a little harder now, Jack.

Zam it. Lows, 37. I had 40, so, like, we're good. Jesus Christ. Okay, so you do actually encounter not a dumbwaiter, but what is quite obviously like a small staircase that probably travels the entirety of the keep. From here, you could get to the lowest, you assume, of the dungeons

and the highest of the parapets. Well, not the parapets, but you can get up with it. It's a standard set of stairs. It's a very small stairwell, though. Only one person could fit at a time. As in, you can't be two at a time. Up or down? Ask Adele.

Adele gestures up. Highs, always highs. Always highs, every situation. Every single time Adele gestures up. Highs, always highs. Always highs, every situation. Every single time, always go up. Same packing order, same marching order as we did coming up the bunghole. In case Ware gets stuck. He's a big'un. Sticky dick.

He's a... He's a vegan. He's a vegan. Sticky dick. The squelching noises that you guys have been making in the castle so far are amplified quite a lot in this echoey area. Mine's a clippy noise. That's true. Yeah, true.

You don't have, like, trapped feces in your shoes. How do tieflings balance? I don't have shoes. How do they balance? Is that, like like an extra special? Like goats. You guys were the ones who made it goat feet.

Like goats, how goats balance. Yeah, goats have four legs. Shut up, Jack. Yeah, but like... Balancing issues are on you. That's on us to sort out. I figured they have

like one of them backwards knee things going on. They do. Ballerinas have like less than a hoof and they get up alright. Yeah. And that doesn't cause any problems for them later. Well that's because they don't

have a hoof. They got a foot. We solved the problem Adam. They have back and leg problems as well. Yeah because they have like an actual foot is and they don't have a backwards knee. Do you know what? I also think I've read something where they get head injuries because of it. It fucks up their upper spine.

Yeah, but they don't have, again, a backwards knee like a tiefling. I don't think tieflings have backwards knees. I assume they had a backwards knee. I think we, from everything, we saw legs quite clearly. They bent forwards. I assumed I had double knees. So I had forward knees, but then I had tricky back knees. What the fuck is that?

I think i know what you're talking about yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then they've got knees can't like no but yeah melody in the room yeah get out of it like that one i just have my sleep but like yeah like a dog leg just imagine what i always assumed that melody couldn't be in the room imagine it throws me off okay so uh you get uh i guess odell just leads you to the highest like place that this staircase can get you you open that and it looks like a series of bedrooms perhaps the doors here are roughly spherical there's three in total. Spherical doors? Yep. Like a from the Hobbit. Like a beholder size. Yeah. Yeah.

It's all making sense. If this were more of a cartoon, I would have said at the top there was also like allowances for ice stalks. We'll just pick the closest door to us and we'll go through that. Have a listen through it. Yeah, true. Listen at the three doors.

There's more than three of us. Door each. Yeah. Okay. Tiffany, at your door, the one on the left we'll say, you can hear faint sounds of snoring, but multiple faint sounds of snoring. Do they sound like big snores? Yes.

Far away? Not far away. Close, but big snores. Sir they sound like big snores? Yes. Far away? Not far away. Close. But big snores. Sir Grace, you can hear nothing at your door. Yours is the center door. The far door. Up the other end of the corridor. And Sir Hector,

you can hear breathing maybe. Like heavy, something big breathing. There's nothing in my room. I can't hear anything. Unless I'm deaf. I can hear breathing in mine, but I'll have a quick listen to your door.

That would be a good idea. I listen to his door. You can also hear nothing. It's probably the good door. It's the safe door. But is the heavy breathing the evil? Adele? Adele says does nothing.

He opens and closes his mouth a couple times. I do think he knows what it is. He knows more than us. Adele, like, points to his nose and points at Hector when he says that Adele does not know specifically what the evil is. Mine has big snoring. If we are real sneaky, maybe we can look at what it is and go away. That's a good idea. Maybe we get the snoring first because if we attack whatever is in the breathing door,

it might wake up the snoring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good. You can't wake up an already awake person. I tap my nose. Or tap our noses and we open the snoring door quietly. Or someone who is very good at it opens it up. Maybe our robes.

Maybe. Maybe either the snoring door quietly. Or someone who is very good at it opens it up. Maybe a rogue. Maybe either the Tiffany or Adele. Adele can go first because he's expandable. Yeah, he is. He does know how to get out though. Has it been more than an hour since the first fight we

had? It has not been more than an hour. Good. Why do you ask? Do you think you need a break? No, the magic weapon more than an hour. Good. Why do you ask? Do you think you need a break? No, the magic weapon lasts for an hour. Oh, okay. I see. You open this door.

It's a weird sort of room. It's obviously a bedroom, but it's weird because it's obviously designed for a mind flare. So the bed is not so much like a four poster type bed is it's more like a circular arrangement of cushions that the creature can just lie on there's some sort of weird desk like analogy but the desk is twisted and oddly distorted obviously meant for a mind flare but you're not sure how a mind flayer sits at this desk or uses this desk do you mean a beholder beholder what did i say mind flayer sorry mind flayer yeah yeah i mean beholder but yeah you all know what i mean anyway now i do know they had business to take care of

the uh uh yeah the desk has no obviously apparent you know sort of function to it. There's some meager, like, allowances for possessions. So, like, an odd-shaped wardrobe, stuff like that. And lying in the bed is the creature whose statue you saw quite asleep. I make, like, the kill it gesture at the thing. There's no throat to slit. Where do you stab? If you get it through the whole eye, is that like a tart? It's mostly eye, I guess.

If we all just take one big skk at it, I think maybe. Do you want to see what's in the other room? Maybe. Like, are these things usually friendly, Adam? Is there any chance that it would be okay with us? This is the good one. You have never heard of a friendly beholder. Okay.

In fact, like. Am I open-minded? Am I open-minded? As much as you are reviled in human fairy tales, the beholder just like... Maybe a tiefling has a redeeming feature in a human fairy tale. Beholders are seen more as like animals. I suggest everyone to leave the room. Just one beholder, yeah?

Just the one. The mind witness, as it were. Just close the door. No. All right. I'm just going to quickly cast Divine Sense. Divine Sense? Yeah.

Smell any devils? Smell any devils around. There's like a faint aura of evil, of outside evil presence around this area, but there's no specific entity. So you get the impression that some sort of evil outsider has passed through here recently, maybe, but is not here anymore. Okay. So I can't say, like, you know,

oh, through that door is this. I'll check this. Let's check the nothing door. See what's the nothing door, and then I think we should kill the beholder before we enter the nothing door. See what's in the nothing door. And then I think we should kill the beholder. Yeah. Before we enter the awake door. I just have a...

Because if you wake him up and he comes to save his friend, we've got double the problems. If they're breathing, it could just be the mind control to helm. But if he's mind controlled, then he's going to get summoned. I think we should kill the beholder either way. I think we should. Best case scenario, we kill that beholder. Everybody's, you know. That's exactly what I was thinking.

Then the orcs and the goblins are all fighting each other. We can just go. Let's open the nothing door quietly. You open that door quietly? No, you don't. I don't. Boom!

Hello! I don't. They do. What? I don't. One of the rogues do. Oh, I thought you were opening the door. No, no, no.

Oh, wow. No, no, no, no, no. I push his hand away with my tail. Allow me. Tiffany, you quietly peer into the door, peer through a crack that you open in the door. Am I peering in? There's a desk that is not designed for a beholder,

but has obviously been dragged here from elsewhere uh sitting behind the desk is uh do you have any have you heard of a helm's description you probably like you guys at some point yeah someone described it yeah is you presume a helm writing at Writing at a desk. He doesn't notice you. Really quietly back out. You weren't in the room. You just, like, creaked the door a bit. Okay, I turn around and, like, take a few steps away so I can just be like, guys, okay, I'm pretty sure that's a help.

Do we get it? I just, I'm now very wary that we have an unknown in that one. And if we burst in and even begin a discussion with a helm, that thing over there will wake up. I just feel, if we take rid of the snoring thing first, it might be our best bet.

We could leave, like, someone out here in the corridor, so that, like, if a helm tries to leave, we get alerted, we can stop him. He might need everyone. I think we just go to the... There's a little bit of incense, incidentally. The scent of incense now that the door was open to Creek. He obviously has incense going on in his room.

What's it smell like? Lavender. Okay. Don't know how that changes anything. It's to help him sleep. There's a little flavor? That is nice. Lavender. Oh. Okay. I don't know how that changes anything. It's to help him sleep. There's a little flavor text there for you. I don't know how it changes things for Tiffany. But okay.

Are we all sleepy now? I don't know. Does the scent of lavender make you sleepy? It's meant to. It's like relaxing. You like use it for bedtime stuff. Yeah. Well, my vote would be killing the beholder.

I also vote killing the beholder. Yeah, let's kill the beholder I also vote killing the beholder Let's kill the beholder Close the door of A Helm Wait Are there chairs anywhere? You can look at the beholder of a chair There's the three doors That you guys checked

The snoring sounds There's nothing to basically block the door You could check There's nothing to basically block the door. Yeah, I couldn't block the door to stop a homecoming out. You could check. There's like a open doorway. You know, no door, just the doorway. That leads out onto the landing area, you know, in the main hall. You guys haven't actually stepped out there, so you could check.

Like, certainly there's the statue there that you could have a closer look. Maybe the statue can be moved. I feel like if we move the statue, it'll make a noise. Have a look outside. Anything in there? You check out on the landing? I'd say probably not. There's maybe, like, a small side table with some vases, vases, whatever, on it.

Yeah. Well, if you put the vase near the door, when he opens it, yeah. Or, like, your rope, like, like your rope, like tie it around like two points and he's like, you trip over it. Yes, it'll be difficult to notice the rope. We'll put the vase in front of the door. Yeah.

The door opens outwards, yes? Yes. It does. I think you said. You promised. That's good. Okay. So we'll put the vase in front of the door.

Perfect. Done. All right. You put the vase in front of the door. Damn. We go into the beholder room. All right. You open the door quietly again.

Oh, yeah. Who's going in? Everyone? I guess everyone because we're all going to try and get it at once. Yep. Can we just have a little powwow? Yes. Does anyone know how to kill one the fastest?

That's a good question, Adam. Is there a good check we could do? Like a knowledge, like an arcana check? You've already made knowledge checks about Mind Flay. Beholders, sorry. Stu, the following people are very bad at stealth, as in made a loud noise when you went into the Beholder's room. All right.

So before we go into that, I was like, can I cast a bonus weapon on him, on Sir Grace, who's got a magic weapon? Thank you. That's all right. And I'm going to cast Bless on us three. It requires chanting and prayer. You can do it. You just, like, might make a bit of noise.

I won't cast Bless. Both of them will. Ah, fine. Wait. Come out to the landing. Yeah, right here. Go out into the landing. Into the big entryway.

Don't cast anything, Adam. You can. No, no, no. I'm just making you aware. It's fine. It's fine. I won't give us good benefits. I'm not saying it's a guarantee or anything like that.

Your cheeky grin says otherwise. Exactly. I don't know what you're talking about. We make loud noises as we go into the room. I scream as I... How big's the room? Actually, you know what, with that role, yeah, sure, you do scream as you go into the room.

It's pretty big. It's one large square room with no dividers or anything like that. The beholder is a big creature, so it needs a lot of space to move around. Okay. I've got a spell I just want to ask about. It's darkness. If we were to do ranged attacks to it and I put darkness on the beholder,

could I localize it to, like, if we aimed at him, we'd hit him? But he's in darkness? The darkness is very, it's too large to specifically target like that. A lot of spells, too. Anyway, as I was saying. specifically target like that. A lot of spells too. Anyway, as I was saying.

Sir Ware, Sir Hector, Sir Grace all three of you make loud noises. With your role in fact, Sir Grace maybe you stub your toe on something and actually, yeah. Fuck! Ow! Shit! Shitting toe! Fuck me! Stubbed my fucking toe.

Then you're okay. The beholder does nothing. It remains asleep in its bed. Oh, good. See, it's fine. I wonder if it's a statue and we're just dickheads. Anyway. It's like, is it dead?

Everybody just breaks their weapon on the statue. Odell turns around when you yelled, Sir Grace, and gives you like a pained expression, but when nothing happens, he shrugs and gestures for you guys to keep moving is this is the beholder actually snoring yeah you can hear so it's not a statue when you get to it though you notice that it is covered in dust this entire room is covered in dust oh be older maybe he is very old. Dad.

Yeah. Did you? It's fine. Actually, now that you're closer as well, you can tell not only is it covered in dust and sleeping, but alive. It seems to be having a nightmare. It's like twitching a little in its sleep. Oh. Well, okay.

Here's my thought. I had a nightmare last night. It's not good. What if... So, like, they can control minds. Yeah? Yeah. So, like, maybe it's controlling the minds of everyone.

So we stab it, we kill it. Everybody goes, you know, how long has this cult been rocking around? Quite a while. Yeah? Yeah. You don't know exactly. We were told not long. Enough for dust to gather.

Potentially. Yes. Tell me we could do that. And then a helm's free. And then if he's not crazy, we can just take him back. That is a good idea. Too long. Potentially. Tell me we could do that. And then a helm's free. And then if he's not crazy, we can just take him back. That is a good idea. Yeah, we can be like, oi, me boy. Let this all stab. Alright, I'm actually not gonna roll.

You just kill it. It doesn't wake up as you attack it. You just hack it and hack it. It takes a little while. But eventually it does die. You're like, you kill it in its sleep what is going i feel terrible that it didn't even fight back from the doorway you hear you turn around and a helm is standing in the doorway we got your behold what you gonna do hi are you are you a? He seems a little sad

That you guys are here, maybe Or just in general But he is quite depressed when he says That Beholder had nothing to do with anything Oh, pitiful of me You needn't have killed it Yeah, but you can see how we would, though

No, I actually can't how we would, though. No, I actually can't. I mean, it's like a beholder. They are pretty. Those things are pretty much inherently evil. God told me that they're never friendly. I guess. Yeah.

How are you doing? We have been required by King Liam the Grey to get you back into the city of Kandor. He has requested your presence. However, it has come to our attention that you have slaughtered thousands. I didn't want to. But you did. Can you see me in my office? Okay.

What does a Helm want to see our heroes in his office about? Are they expelled? Fired? Worse? Find out next time on The Search for a Helm, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you'll find us at Sandspanceradio.

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