D&D is For Nerds - The Search for A'Helm #8 Into the Abyss

Episode Date: April 14, 2018

In which our heroes attempt to climb with daggers (a “Damage Climb”).Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeCass: https://twitter.com/JacksonBBalyJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, fight me dad! Hey everyone, our sister show, Plumbing the Death Star, has one more show to go in the Melbourne International Comedy Fest. This Saturday, the 21st of April at 3pm, we'll be at the European Beer Cafe with some special guests. Dave Warnicke and Jess Perkins from Do Go On are joining us on stage along with long-time friend of the show, Michael Shanks. We've still got some tickets available, so just head to sandspantsradio.com slash live to grab your tickets today. Welcome to episode 8 of the Search for a Helm a D&D's for nerds adventure.

Pre. Odell, while he can't pat you on the shoulder, he pats you on the side in a similarly comforting attempt. I love you. I love the idea that you routinely report things to SeaWorld. Like you found something in the sea I love the idea that you routinely report things to Seaworld. Like you found something in the sea and you're like,

Seaworld needs to know about this. It could be a trap room. It opens up a door. A yawning abyss. In fact, it does. No, it doesn't. Oh, no, that's probably good. That's probably for the best we don't call it an abyss today.

I suddenly got really worried because Adam's been the one who's probably for the best we don't call in any of this today. I suddenly got really worried because Adam's been the one who's been describing the magic powers. I'm like, he controls them. We can't do anything to him. He'll take our special abilities away. Open that and it looks like a series of bedrooms, perhaps?

The doors here are roughly spherical. There's three in total. Spherical doors? Like a beholder size Yeah Are these things usually friendly, Adam? Is there any chance that it would be okay with us? That this is the good one

You have never heard of a friendly beholder Okay That beholder had nothing to do with anything. Oh, could have pulled me. You needn't have killed it. Yeah, but you can see how we were there. A helm tries to lead you away into his quotation marks office.

Who's in the other door? He looks panicked, then concerned, then all expression leaves him for a moment then he just returns to that depressed expression like a lot of shit happens in his head suddenly and he says the creature has i have we have many slaves i'd like to like turn and look at Hector and Tiffany and be like, just widen my eyes. Like, oh, boy. That's messy. If you come to see me in my office, there'll be no need to wake it up.

I'm pro that for the moment. Just go into your office. Sure. Have a chat. Have a little powwow. You come into his office. He, like, grabs some chairs from the side and sets them up so that you can sit around the table with him, the desk. He sits down and he says, so, you have come here from Kandor up north. Correct.

To seeking me. The king requests you and your abilities. I cannot help the king. I, we, it, we have business here. What kind of business here do you have? I, we must spread our word. Yeah. What is the word? Well, the world is ending.

Did you know? Is it because of you? No, but we can save people. I can save people. We, we can save people. Do we know why the king wanted the seer? He's a powerful seer. He gets powerful portents of the future.

I'm not sure if I said this at the beginning, but there is like this these rumors circling about of this awful like tragedy that's befalling the elven nations north. And the king is concerned about it. So when he's saying the world is going to end, it's kind of like not like

oh, dickhead's saying the world's going to end. It's like oh shit, a sea is saying the world's going to end. If a helm makes a prophecy, it tends to come true yeah but he's a little mind fuckled

so um what do you know about the world ending I believe that is what our king was wanting your presence for sorry

what do you know about the world ending that is what I believe the king was wanting your presence for sorry

Hector sidebar the second you say world is ending he spaces out you can tell i'm just wondering if we could get it like if he puts it in writing then we just take that back to the king i mean i guess because we're not taking we're not taking this clearly and also he's good he's good we just gonna have to kill him i don't tiffany something touched your leg you jerked a little bit. It was wet and slimy. It curled around your leg.

You looked down. Nothing there. Dad? Yeah. Oh, Dad, that was a real... I'm shouting to Hector. Oh, God, Dad. So what are we going to do?

So why did you kill everybody? Oh, Dad. And what is going... Sorry, hang on. What, Tiffany, what happened? I'm sorry. Do you have a pet lizard? A wet one?

I, we. He seems to struggle for a second. Like he's trying to think or say something, but it's very hard for him to do it. He looks up at you and he's got this like awful panic in his eye he reaches across the table like to grab your hand but then stops himself immediately no um do you are you are you there do you want to not we are of course here okay i want to try and convey like just to be like do you want us try and convey Do you need help? Do you want us to rescue you?

Can you be rescued? Or do you want us to kill you? I want to try and convey that You can't kill us But can we kill You won't be able to as well Them? Does someone else need to die?

For you? Do you need help? I'm where? Fine. Thank you. Okay. But what about it? Can I ask how the seating arrangement is?

I think I do. Odell is up one end, doesn't matter which end, and he's like, fingers are on the table. He's doing like a... with his hands. And you can tell every now and then one of his hands like twitches to near his side where you know he has a dagger stored. I think I was standing.

And where can just be wherever. Oh, did you not take the seat? No. I sat down. I sat down next to Dad. Who's next to who? I'll say that I'm as like across from a helm as I could be. I'm to the right of Dad.

I'll be to the left. All right. Ware is on one end and then Adele is on the other end. Tiffany and Sir Grace, both of you feel something brush against your legs. But when you look down, there's nothing there. It's that wet, slimy, like maybe an octopus tentacle or something like that. It seems to me that maybe you don't want to be doing this. You didn't want to kill everyone.

You said that before. No, we needed to. Why did you need to kill them? I don't know why we're having this discussion, really. They're free now. That sort of moment of like a bunch of expressions cross his face again. He reaches out to grab for you, Sir Hector, but then stops himself at the last minute. He doesn't pull his hand back.

He's just leaning across the table, reaching out to you, frozen. This guy's messed up. I feel like we just gotta... Ahelm, if we were to leave and told you to stay, could you stay? Or would you have to... I must stay. Ahelm slowly starts retracting back to his seat. Okay.

So what is your plan here, Ahelm? What is it that you must do? It's not my plan. It's our plan. Who is the owl? Who is the other thing? We. Do you not understand?

No. Please enlighten me. Not terribly. It's not very clear, Al. need to understand where in trouble I'm freeing I'm helping

because from Helm starts bleeding from the nose guys like this is just gonna get worse should we maybe if we leave and tell him to stay you can't leave we can't leave are we part of that we? we are You can't leave. We can't leave.

Are we part of that we? No, I think no. We are all trapped. No. What are we trapped? Who trapped us? The apocalypse is coming. When?

You got a date there, buddy? You'll know. But you do know. Can you tell us? He seems... He's really struggling now. You can do it. No, it's okay.

Zone of truth. Yeah? Yeah. You cast zone of truth? Yeah. Zone of truth. Cast zone of truth. And command. And one word. Yeah. You cast Zone of Truth? Yeah, Zone of Truth, cast Zone of Truth. Oh, and Command.

One word. What's a one word to be like, stop playing silly buggers, you fuck. It's a one word command I can use. You cast Zone of Truth first, anyway. Cast Sona Truth first, anyway. You cast out with your divine energy in an area around you to try and force those nearby you to speak only truths. When you do that, Ahelm goes bug-eyed. And he, like, whatever he was saying, he stops mid-sentence.

He's trying to get words out, but they won't come out. What is going on? Command speak. Run. He just says, run. What's coming for us? From what? I grabbed my sword.

All three of you, look down. You feel pressure around your legs. That wet, slimy presence. Something's wrapping itself around your legs. That wet, slimy presence. Something's wrapping itself around your legs. You look down. There's nothing there. This time, the sensation doesn't leave. It's still there.

Okay. Oh, God. Okay. So nothing is there? Nothing's there, but you feel like something's grabbing, choking your legs. A sphere jammed down into a sliver. Slice with my sword where it might be. One leg or two legs? Both legs, for all three of you now.

Uh-oh. It's going to pick us up. So, Grace, when you stab down with your spear, suddenly the illusion is shattered. The room is not a large, empty room with a desk in the middle. Everything, the walls, the middle everything the walls the floor the ceiling are covered with this inky black substance it was always there but you just couldn't see it for some reason your mind was just ignoring it and it's growing these awful black tendrils that

are wrapping around all five of you uh where seems completely unoblivious to the fact that he's actually being dragged away from you guys, completely bound. Odell is also bound to the table. You notice that he's trying to reach for his knife, but not aware that the tentacles are, like, wrapped around such that he can't do it. Oh, God.

All three of you are bound fast. You stab downwards into the tentacles they react a little bit but not enough hector slashes downwards cutting some of the tentacles same thing but hector you just don't notice so grace you were the only one aware of what's happening all right fuck this um the tentacles this is black tentacle monster black probably coming from a helm sir grace starts babbling you can't understand what he's saying who does sir grace can i throw my spear at a helm fuck this stupid nonsense didn't even want to be here you try to heft your spear but as soon as the tentacles and for some reason you know they know

what you're planning you heft your spear to throw it the tentacles wrap around your arm and your spear and your arm gets so leaden and heavy that you can't move it at all you can't even throw it the spear does not go anywhere. You're all seeing him do this, but you are oblivious to what's actually happening. We can't see anything. We can't see the inky blackness. He's talking crazy now. He's babbling. Not like that ridiculous, but not far from that.

What's Ahelm doing? Ahelm is frozen in place. He yelled run, but now he's not saying anything. Can I try and move? You can't move, but you don't think anything of it. Okay. So could I use detect magic, or can I pretty much tell I'm being bound and dragged somewhere?

You can't. You're not suspicious of what's happening every now and then you get that sensation that you're being grabbed and dragged but you look you can't see anything and your mind is just immediately like whatever i'm just gonna be like you know that it's like so loose music tell me what's going on and then just sitting back down and being fine tell me what um i i have one spell left can i use arms of hadar i'm gonna fight inky tentacles with my own inky tentacles fire with fire that's what it's all about yeah that's a bad way to do it your inky tentacles begin wrapping around the other into inky tent. You guys are all aware that the Arms of Hadar spell was just cast. Can we see that they're wrapping around something that we can't see?

Yes, but you don't think anything of it. Oh, okay. You can get another check. It's just like... Dad? It's like he sneezed and made a mistake. Oh, it's bad for you, Sir Hector. Sir Hector, you start hearing two other voices in your head.

One is of your Daiva, Galadia. Yep. You hear her screaming warnings at you, and you hear another voice that's strangely inky and black. You're not sure how a voice could be inky and black? None of it makes sense to you. But the other voice is just whispering things at you. And you think you understand them for a moment,

but as soon as you think them, they're gone. And you're paralyzed for a brief moment just by the symphony of sensations that you have right now. Tiffany, you suddenly become aware of what's happening oh that's good your father is being dragged away by tentacles as he fights back with tentacles you are being dragged away also by the tentacles um can i witch bolt everything around my body you can certainly try big zap as soon as you try you don't know how you know but you know that the presence that is the tentacles is in your mind reading your thoughts so when you

try to witch ball its tentacles reach up grab your arms direct them upwards and the witch bolt goes wild just nowhere in particular this is a thought? You're not sure what this is. Sorry, I've just figured out this is all in my head. You're aware of what's happening, but you're still not convinced it's not in your head. Okay. You don't know one way or the other. So, would I have the wherewithal to cast, say, a protection from evil or not. Well, when the moment passes, you can try to cast protection from evil,

although you're not sure why you would. But that's what I mean, like, as in, like, because I'm thinking, because I know this would stop me from being mind-controlled, that kind of stuff, but do I know something's wrong? I'm listening to the warnings of an angel. I'm also hearing this inky thing being like, it's fine, whatever, it's cool. Just chill, bro. You don't also hearing this inky thing being like, it's fine. Whatever, it's cool. Just chill, bro. You don't know what the inky thing is whispering.

But yeah, you probably wouldn't have any reason to. Because while you're getting that warning from Galadiel, your mind is just a mush right now. Then I don't cast it. How do I get across to Hector that something's wrong? Like, yeah. Oh, you two can understand each other, but if you talk, Hector thinks you're babbling. Okay, this is terrible.

This is not going well, Tiffany. What do I get from Hector? My current plan? Stab myself in the leg, I stop bleeding. That's suspicious. He's going to be suspicious of that. The tentacles snap Odell's neck. Like with the goblins before, a crack happens.

Odell goes limp. The tentacles have killed him. Hector, you think nothing weird of it. Odell just collapses to you and you just keep going. Can I throw my spear at Hector? You can certainly try again. Try and wake you up, somehow. Can't slap ya. Same thing as before.

You move to throw your spear at Hector, and you know the tentacles are in your brain, reading your thoughts. As soon as you try to throw, they wrap around your arm and prevent you from throwing. Hector. Yep. You're suddenly aware of what's happening. I cast protection from evil. Oh, Jesus.

What the fuck is this? A barrier appears around Sir Hector. A physical barrier that you can only see because it is where the tentacles are not. So I think it's like, from memory, like three inches all around you. Like a force field. You're clear. Your thoughts are good. Galadia is screaming in your head, get out!

Get out! Get out! Okay. Come hug us. Come give us coddles. I can only cast it one more time. No, you... Alright, pass the dice around. What if he comes over to us

and stands near us, or is there not enough? Roll the dice. I'm scared. Roll the dice, Jack. Highs or lows? Always go highs! Look me in the dice, Jack. Highs or lows? Always go highs. Look me in the eyes, Cassie. Did I say highs? I meant clearly lows.

Cassie, what'd you get? 47. Crack! Michael Ware goes limp. What? Richard Ware. No! The tentacles snap his neck. Michael Ware goes limp. What? Richard Ware. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. The tentacles snap his neck.

Fuck you, Dick. My lifelong trump. Okay. Well, what are you doing? My heart goes limp. No. Fuck. Whose turn is it?

There's no turns. Just say what you want to do. I'm going to cast protection. Now that you guys are kind of aware of the situation, you can see there's one tentacle jammed into the back of a helm's neck. You can't see the back of his head, but it's a weird configuration. What is Divine Smiteite again he's whispering to himself he just keeps saying sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry go on what what is divine

smite do again divine smite the paladin ability uh hector yeah can you cast the thing you casted on you onto a helm? Hey, that's clever. That is good. Divine Smite, you spend one of your spells. So one of your spells for the day. Okay. Depending on the spell or how, I should say, how high a level the spell was, you get extra damage on your attack. If I cast Protection from Evil on a helm, good?

You don't know. You don't know. You don't know what's going on. You don't think a helm is the source of this. You think a helm is a prisoner like you guys. I might be able to free him, though. I'll try and cast protection from evil on a helm. That's a good lateral thinking, gang. You reach across the table, grab a helm by the hand,

and cast protection from evil on him. The, like, the same thing happens. The tentacles retreat from him and he gasps like he's been underwater, like drowning, a man drowning. We must escape, he says. We must escape. All right. Okay. Well, I need to help my friends.

I need help. If you... I think they're beyond saving, he whispers to you. Get out of it, Ahelm. The dickhead. Sir Hector. If Sir Hector, if you come and you both push your bods against our bods, then the tentacles can't touch our front of bods and they can't grab us.

And we just shimmy away. We can shimmy out of this. You can sandwich one of us. There are many futures, a helm says. Few of them lead to their survival. We'll choose the ones that do, a helm. Yes, a helm, obviously. How long does your protection spell last?

Ten minutes. Ten minutes, all right. Sandwich. Get a sandwich happening. Sandwich one of us. Can I try and save Tiffany? Oh, that's real nice. You son of a bitch.

I say, save dad, save dad, but there's like a bit of a false dismay. Grab Tiffany and try to hold her as tight as possible. You confer some protection to her, but the tentacles can still get to her and they seem unwilling to let her go. A helm glances across

the table at you, Sir Grace, and with pleading eyes, he says, I'm sorry. He goes to help Tiffany as well. Between the two of you, you can actually probably save Tiffany. You son of a bitch. Quick, get me out of the room and then go back in for Dad.

Yeah, well, yeah, that. I'm sorry, Sir Grace. We will do everything that we can. You son of a bitch betrayer. I'm protecting your daughter. You chose me, Dad. That means something. Wait, I can't die.

No, come back. Oh, gosh. I don't have enough dice. I need someone to give me back the dice. Yeah, cheers. That's it. All right. Hang on. I need to do some math. Feel free to just talk among yourselves while this is happening

Dad, was there anything you wanted to say to me If this is your last one? Remember, Zone of Truth is still on Oh god It focuses on you, I think I think it focuses on you No, it's just cast a Zone of Truth It's a zone, Adam

Anything can be said in the zone. It's a 15-foot radius centered on a point. Trapped in the zone of truth and sconseled by black tentacles. These are our worst fate. Nobody's asked. Is there anything I wanted to tell you? I don't want to tell you. There's nothing that would make me say that anyway.

Thank God. So, Grace, you take, as the tentacles try to snap your neck, 98 points of damage. That's me down. Uh-oh. 98 points of damage. That's me. You're not dead. Not dead. You're down. You're down. You are on zero hit points, and you have one failed saving throw.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. All right. It takes a turn for you three to get out of the room. And when that happens, a helm says, we must be wary of the dragon. You're about to say, what do you mean by dragon? When the third door that you guys have not yet opened bursts open.

What's behind door number three? I'll give you one guess. I'll go with a dragon. I'm going to go with a witch. Stepping out of the... Is there a beholder dragon? ...crumbled door that it is broken apart with its terrific giant strength, a witch stands...

Fuck, I wish. A white-colored dragon appears. There's like this black glob on the back of its head the tentacles are sprouting from. I don't know if you guys want to describe this particular dragon. A white dragon. He's almost iridescent. It's as ripped as a horse.

It's scary. Ripped as a horse. Look at it. It's like a horse body horse. It's scary. Ripped as a horse. Look at it. It's like horse body. It's an amazing show. Not even amazing. Like beyond amazing show. Zero body fat.

Oh, you don't need to roll them. I'm just giving you the dice back. I'm out of spells. I'm out of spells. Well, I have still my cantros, but they're helping me now. Is there any way you can save me? Yes, come back in and do the sandwich thing. Oh, the relic.

That giant St. Benedict thing. Your magic coin! No magic coin! I pull out my ladder from the king. One use. Stop in the name of the king, tentacles! I'm dead. The dragon is large-sized, so probably bigger than a horse, but not that much bigger than a horse.

Oh, okay. I feel like this is doable. I have a tail, the dragon has a tail. We can make friends. You have wings. Can we join together and make a dragon and scare it? Maybe. I don't see why not. Yeah, absolutely.

Can I use my relic, Adam, and see what it does? Maybe it will save Dickhead over here. Save Dickhead? Please let us save Dickhead. It's not his fault he's a dick. I'm lawful good. That means I've got a good soul. Just a bad personality.

You seem like you're using lawful good. I'm like, look, technically i have to go to heaven exactly like i went to some kind of weird alignment church and i'm like look i'm destined for the bad place what can i do they're like what it's your alignment currently it's not good it's not good it's like a person who like gets ordained ministerish like status online free course and you're like well technically this is legally fine tiffany uh they release you when you're in the hallway uh you're so the dragon is between you guys on any form of exit if you want but your father is behind you you go first okay um go back into the room with the tentacles. You can't go back in there.

We can, but then there's a dragon here. I'm not going to go back into the room with the tentacles. I'm so sorry. You said it's bigger than a horse. Could I hide under the dragon? I'm sorry, Adam, I have an eye on yours. No, you can't. That's a special power that you need.

That halflings have But you do not Do dragons have hearts in the usual place? What's the usual place? Between the arms? Legs? Front legs? Between front legs? As far as you know Do I know where dragon hearts are?

They could front legs uh as far as you know they could um i like that you're willing to take a bet on i reckon there's a heart in there somewhere as opposed to eyes basically as difficult to target uh well well if it's that dragon that you showed me he's got got a lot of neck. So I'm going to go for neck. I'm going to run at it screaming in infernal. That would spook it. Yeah. I want a rapier in one hand and a dagger in the other, and I want to just stabby slash, mostly slashing as I come out of the slash at the throat.

You scream and lunge forward with your rapier. As you do so, the dragon rears back on its back legs and its deep black inky eyes, which you do not think are its actual eyes, may be part of that tentacle bullshit, stare you down. You just slow down and stop. Goddamn inky cult magic. You are simply too scared to attack. Oh, no. You can try again next turn, but for this turn, you just can't. I've been spooked.

You should kick back with your goat legs. It's not in front. It's not behind. Ah, boom. Sir Grace. Okay. Oh, would you like to roll this? Because if you get a one, you do die.

Don't be my guest. You get a success. Good. One success, one failure. A 20 will save you, a one will kill you. Yep. That's the way it is. All right, Hector.

Is there any way to save him? You could go back and try to save him. It'd be difficult. You could do it. But right now, Tiffany is the only person fighting a dragon. I'm going to radiant soul and attack the dragon. All right. Son of a bitch.

Save dad. So your eyes begin to glow. You gain glowing wings and you charge forward to strike at the dragon. Seeing him probably inspires you a little bit, Tiffany. I'm sorry. I want to save, like, your dad, but I also kind of want to protect you a little bit. Kind of do what your dad never did.

Oh, that's... I am touched. It's a tragedy. This is a day that'll traumatize all of us. If there was... Do you feel like your good muffins is just coming to you? Oh, yeah. I feel like somewhere deep within the mess that is my soul, I feel like this is my fault.

You're probably wondering how I got here. Yeah, that's me. Yeah, that's me. Oh, dear me. You slash a half dozen times with your sword, and most of your blows cut deep, showering you in the dragon's blood. You deal 29 points of damage to the creature. Oh, that's all right.

From your awful, terrible blows. And it's a magic weapon still, yes? Oh, yeah, I forgot. You do a lot more damage than that, actually. Yes. Hey! Do an extra 14 points of damage, making it 43, I think. Yeah.

Oh, that is even better. Oh, man, you're getting all angel up in this. Angel versus classic biblical battle of an angel via dragon. That's basically a passion play right here. Don't do premarital sex. That's the message of this D&D adventure. The dragon screeches an awful, terrible sound. You've quite obviously hurt it badly.

Oh, yeah. Kill it quick so you can come back. Keep being alive. I'm going to do my best. If I wake up, I'm just like, I'm still on the tentacles. Yes. That's just a downside. Then it is the dragon's turn.

Speaking of dragons. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's fine. Don't give him a turn. I'm protected from no. It's fine. I'll give him a turn. I'm protected from evil. It is good. Dragons are... No, no, dragons aren't unaligned. They're very aligned.

They're very aligned. Also, this one is possessed by an evil thing. Clearly, it's evil. Yep, yep. You got me there. Dang it, dang it, dang it. I don't have nothing useful? I know. Signet ring.

Scroll of pedigree. Do that relic of the St. Benedict. Just hurl it in. See what happens. I will, actually. Good. Thank you. To the inky blackness.

Who knows? Maybe it'll sort it out. Oh, wait. I've got two attacks, don't I? I already rolled those. Okay, sick. I was like, hang on. I assumed you attacked with everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, don't do that dickhead move we did last time. We just forgot. Attack. You gonna attack again? Nah, it was enough. I reckon I got this. I'm conserving my strength.

For a real battle. Serving my strength for a real battle. None of my spells are going to be useful. Blade Ward. A tentacle is nothing if not a squishy blade. Right, guy? Look, it's a stretch. Giving back just as good as it takes. The dragon comes down on you from its rear legs it bites you

once picks you up and throws you into the air you strike the extra high ceiling and as you come down it hits you once with one of its claws then slams you into the ground with its other you take 42 points of damage ouch i like that you're getting played with like a cat plays with a mouse. That's exactly what a cat does with a mouse. I was like, oh, sick. He hits me in the ceiling. Oh, I glide down.

He smacks me in the face. I don't glide down. I don't. I just creep for the ground. Actually, because you're gliding, that's how it's able to hit you with the second paw. Stupid wings.

Then it is a helmet's turn. All right. So let's do some percentiles. Move the dice around. Roll the dice. Always go highs. Highs? All right.

Give me looks, boys. Jack. 19. 23. Fucked either way. Ahelm gazes back and says, there is no future in which he is saved. Damn it, Ahelm.

He doesn't know everything. He's mindfuckled. Mindfuckled. Ahelm begins instead screaming at you two, the dragon's future movements. He gives you like small precog abilities. I'm going to say you get a plus two to hit and damage from him. Sick. Yeah.

Then it is Tiffany's turn. Tiffany, a helm screams that your father is dead no matter what, and then begins trying to guide you in your attacks. What do you want to do? Let's try and have it all. I don't have an inspiration point. I want double moves. I am crying at the start,

and then I use my Thaumaturgy to turn my eyes the same color black as the dragon, look the dragon in the face, nod, and start walking towards the dragon as though I'm joining his team. You're actually already in front of the dragon. Like, when it landed after it was bathing around your friend, like, one of its paws is kind of next to you. Yeah, oh, okay.

Well, I look up at the dragon, nod with me black eyes and my blank expression. Fears mostly made me dead inside. All right, good. And attempt to climb the dragon. Yeah! So I'm going to ride him now because we're on the same team. Well, I guess stupidity is genetic.

The dragon resists your attempt to climb it. Does he accept that I'm one of him? No. Oh, my God. As you attempt to climb it, you're like, maybe you one of him? No. Oh my god. As you attempt to climb it, you're like, maybe you try to climb up that leg that's right next to you.

It brings the leg up and down onto you. Ugh. I thought it was clever. You, at the last second, realize that your ruse is not going to work. So you roll to the side

and the leg just comes down next to you. I'm going to look up if Thermiturgy is a bonus action or a full round action. It's a cantrip. A cantrip. Actually, can you pass me the card? Keep. It'll be on the card.

Good. You'll get it. Okay. So you cannot attack this turn because you've done that. If you want, because of your cunning action, you can attempt to climb it again, but you'll be like it's going to resist you climbing it. Can I attempt to climb it with daggers? I'm going to take that as a no.

Damage climb. This kind of persistence once got me a hook hand that was a bird beak So like, power to you You bring out your daggers You try to drive them into the dragon's hide to climb up it But the dragon's hide is thick and tough And your daggers just actually won't penetrate I bet you they'd bounce off like, oh.

It's like you had butter knives and you were trying to carve through metal. That's never gonna work. Nope. Then it is Grace's turn. Give me the d20. Oh, right. We'll see if I die. 18.

Another success. You actually kind of need a 20, because even if you pass, you're still unconscious in the tentacles. Well, I mean, it's a bit late for that now, isn't it? And Hector.

I was going to attack the dragon twice. Cool. I'll try and lay a hand to you. Cheers, man. Cheers. Just resurrect me. Bring me back. You're some kind of angel.

You can pop me up. Oh, God, I can't go to hell. Maybe you'll become one of the inky blackness. I mean, like, it's better.

I wonder if, like, I'm going to die, but I wonder if I can ensure my passage to the good place. What can I denounce? You get up.

And as you get up, you drive your greatsword upwards as well into the beast's maw. It had opened its mouth in maybe an attempt to breathe its awful, like, breath weapon upon you. Oh, no. You stab. You give it a piercing in its lower lip and then you work your great sword around like you're crank starting a car or something as you do that you make an awful large hole in the base of the creature's maw pull your great sword out and you are just drenched in bits and pieces the creature's tongue slips out through the hole that you've made.

Ew. And you do 39 points of damage to it. It's not dead. No. Shit. You're doing fine. Shit points. There.

Can I, as a bonus action, throw that piece of Benedict? Hang on one moment. Yep, go on, sorry. That relic, that piece of St. Hang on one moment. Yep, go on, sorry. That relic, that piece of St. Benedict, frozen in amber, where holding it is a type of strife or something, is the best action. Is that a bonus action or is that an action?

You can take it out. If you want to throw it, though, you'd have to wait till your next turn. All right, take it out. Does it do anything? You probably feel a little comforted at this point. Like, taking it out, you're out, you renew your own vigor. While you may seem alone right now, you are never truly alone.

All right. I mean, you had that, Sir Grace. He is not alone. He is never alone. He'll never be alone again. Hector? Oh, no, it was just Hector. Sorry, it's the dragon's turn.

Cheat. Uh-oh. My favorite turn. Well, duh. Dead. Oh, no. No, Adam. No.

The dragon picks you up with one of its claws. It just drops me. With one of its paws. Butterfingers dragon. Why? Turns you upside down and starts shaking you. Like a salt shaker. It squeezes quite tightly as well.

You take 16 points of damage. It's not bad. It could be worse. It could be worse. It could be a lot worse. It could be a lot worse. You're on 20. I'm not keeping track.

That's it. Well, I'm on zero currently. How many did you have? I had 78. Rogues, you're squishy. Yeah. Yeah, pass away. Helm continues to do what he's doing,

but he's also shifting along the wall near where the beholder's sort of door was. He maybe has a plan, but you're not sure. In any case, he's not communicating a plan. He's just telling you guys what the dragon is intending on doing. He's going to pick you up and shake you like some kind of salt shaker. Thanks. He plans on picking you up and crushing you. What?

That would have been a good moment. I wish I described it like that. There you go. Tiffany, it's your turn again. Witchbolt. You cast Witchbolt? Shock that dragon. Electricity leaps from your hands and strikes the dragon

wrapping around it, causing it great pain. Good. You deal... Where are they? Come to me. There you are. You deal 11 points of damage to it. Yay.

It cries out in pain. Zap it good. Zap it for Papa. I zap for papa Grace, roll your die Do I live or do I die? 18 again Oh, you're stable

But unconscious Stable but unconscious In the other room Super good She's gonna die again, I assume They have no reason to go back there The tentacles aren't gonna go away when you kill this dragon I'm just gonna keep at it Keep reason to go back there The tentacles aren't going to go away when you kill this dragon I'm just going to keep at it

Keep trying to come back I'll try and save you I'm a good boy I'm a survivor Help them in need Actually Can we do a percentiles Let's move the dice around

Alrighty Lows Cassie Let's move the dice around. Alrighty. Lowe's. Lowe's. Cassie. 29. Yes. I had six.

You were both good. Alright. You dream of nothing. That's good to know. Finally, when we got one. Meaningless. Meaningless. Just true garbage. Actually, if you've done poorly on this one, meaningless. Meaningless. Just true garbage.

Actually, if you've done poorly on this one, the tentacles are invading your dreams. Oh, God. Oh, jeez. Hopefully they fight the other tentacles in my dreams. My soul has space for only one eldritch bee. I know the one that'll win. Sorry.

I hope you do save him, actually. New or how? So, that puts it out. Hector's turn. I'm scared. Okay, so... Keep going? First, stab once to see what happens if the dragon dies as if then i will stab twice all right your first blow with your great sword it drops you so you're

like on the ground you hit the ground a little unceremonially but you try to tuck and roll with it so you can hit it again your first blow you, has also severed one of its fingers, so you cut a finger off its paw. Then your second blow is when it comes down to snap at you with its maw. You slash, cutting its nose in two. You have healing potions, by the way.

Hey, you do. I should use them on the dragon. No! She did. Oh, wait, I do have healing potions. I have three of them. Just throw one in the inky room. Maybe it'll somehow land in my mouth. Splash on his face.

So if I go down, which I might next attack, just pour it down my gullet. Okay. He takes 37 points of damage. Do you have any fire spells? No. Wait, no. I was like, yes, wait, no, I used up all my spells.

I also used up all my spells. I had a fire spell. Because I have oil. Pour oil on it, cook the dragon. It's done. Oh, jeez. Ah, gee whiz. Jeez louise.

Maybe when it came at you the first time and you slashed it at Snout, a helm said, it's going to bite you. And you slash at Snout. Snout cuts in two and it rears back. You're like, yes, it's not going to bite me. But actually a helm was just telling you, not warning you. It comes in for a second go. It bites down on you hard.

No. You take 15 points of damage. You're on five. Then it grabs one of your legs with its paw. No, no, no. And it just tosses you. No, it doesn't. It just throws you.

Not dealing a hot nothing. Positive damage. You take 14 points of damage. You are down as well now. Hey, Jack. Hey, welcome to the underworld it rounds on you tiffany and you were not expecting this um dad it hits you it just hits you it doesn't grab you it doesn't throw you it's not playing anymore this is not a cat with its meal it just hits you and for like a good 10 seconds you don't

know what's happened until like you ever have that thing where something happens really fast and then after it's happened you kind of experience it on a delayed sort of reaction yes so nothing is happening and then suddenly you almost remember that you were hit, sailed across the room and slammed into a wall. You slammed so deep into the wall that you're partially in the next room. Oh. You take 22 points of damage. Oh. Gracious.

Gracious me. Goodness. Goodness gracious. Groo. Grooby dooby doo. Mm-hmm. Grooby dooby doo. Grooby dooby doo indeed.

It's a helm's turn. A helm keeps inching towards the beholder's room. And then, Tiffany, it's your turn. You make a check to keep your witch bolt up yeah all right you're still crackling with energy yes you your energy surges you're like adrenaline is boom boom boom you can't hear anything except just faint ringing from your your trip through the wall. You give your all into this electrical surge. And you feel the dragon when it hits the ground. It rumbles through everything, up your legs, into your chest.

The dragon is laying very still, but I assume your witch bolt is still going. You're just like, it's dead, it's dead, keep it dead, die, die, die, die, stay down, stay down. Oh good, oh good, it's dead. Yeah, the dragon is unconscious, but you haven't really stopped. It turns out I'm screaming, but I don't notice at first. That eee sound is actually you screaming really high

pitched. Alright, after, I'd say like another moment, you finally let up, and a helm runs past the beholder door, actually, to where Sir Hector landed, as if he knew that was what was going to happen the entire time, which he maybe did. You sneaky son of a bitch, a helm.

No, no, no. A helm stabilizes you. Uh-huh. You're unconscious, but alive. Good. It's about me. Dad. Yeah, no. Helm stabilizes you. Uh-huh. You're unconscious, but alive. Good. It's about me. Dad. Yeah, Tiffany.

Dad, we need to save Dad. Go, go, go. Tiffany, what do you do? We need to save Dad. We need to save Dad. I run towards Hector, and I give him a health potion. Pour it down his gullet. Right down his gullet.

The whole time, I'm just like, where's Dad? We need to save Dad. Are you good enough to save dad yet? You recover nine hit points. You are on nine. He's good enough to save me. Do I lose my wings and shit when I go down?

I'm assuming yes. No, they'd still be there actually. You don't need to be conscious for them. So I wake up. Yeah, you wake up. My surroundings? still it'd still be there actually okay i'm gonna need to be conscious for them so i okay so wake up yeah you wake up in my surroundings uh protection from good however will have ended shit yeah uh evil sorry i mean okay do you want more health potion just i do we have i think we have to go you're coming to get me. Good. Good. I'm going to be gone.

Helm shakes his head. Any attempts to retrieve your father will not end well. I know he'd maybe do the same for me. No. Is his mumble grow from the next room? No. I wouldn't. I really wouldn't.

I would drink champagne. I can lead us out of here. I want to say that I don't think he would. It hurts more than the dragon. I am so very sorry about everything. I can lead us out of here, but we must leave now. I don't think he would save you. Let us go.

I want to lay a hand both me and Tiffany. Just 15 each. 15 each? I nod and sob. And just start making noises. Just vague sad noises. Good old fashioned nod and sob. Surf and turf

and Tex and Max. Let's go out for Tex and Max. Let's go out for Texan Max. Don't make me feel bad. Dad loves his Texan Max. I believe it's just called Texan Max. I don't think there is an N there. It's an N. It's an N with a little apostrophe.

Yeah, a little apostrophe is like E. Texan Max. I thought it was Texan. Like a Texan Max. Yeah. two little apostrophes like E. Texan mechs. I thought it was Texan. Like a Texan mechs. Yeah. Is it like mechs constructed by Texans? I guess it makes sense. That does a scamper.

You do a scamper? Let us leave this place. A helm? Let us go. A helm, either because he knows the patrol routes or maybe because of his seer abilities, leads all of you out of the castle out of the keep without any hassle you uh have to take the back entrance again

but it's a lot easier going out than it was coming in yeah We lost a few men. Yeah. Oh, Unky Dick, you left a dick in the bunghole. The dick is deep in the bunghole. I've lost so many. You did. You did. You lost your surrogate father and your real father. Both sets of parents gone. Even my uncle that I tried to claim.

Double orphan. And so our heroes leave Fairburn Point. Their mission accomplished, but their hearts heavy. Will Tiffany ever discover who her true father is? Will Sir Hector ever get to the bottom of the corruption infesting the city? And what dark entity has won the fight for Sir Grace's mind, body and soul? All these

questions and more will be answered in time. Until then, thank you for listening to The Search for a Helm, a D&Dist for Nerds adventure. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter You'll find us at Sandspanceradio Or you can find us individually

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