D&D is For Nerds - Trouble in Orwa #2 Into the Scriptorium

Episode Date: July 7, 2018

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Sands Pants Radio. Mars ain't the kind of place to raise a kid. Hey everyone, our sister show, Plumbing the Death Star, is doing another UK tour. We're doing Edinburgh Fringe, London Podcast Festival, some late night shows at the Soho, and a bunch of cities in between. So, if you want to catch us live, even if it's just a demand we do D&D and bring Cass next time, you can grab tickets at sandspantsradio.com slash live. But be quick, as a lot of shows are close to selling out. Welcome to episode two of Trouble in Orwa, a D&D is for Nerds fifth ed adventure.

Previously. On the island of Cloud Strix, nestled just below a massive mountain in the centre of the island, is a city by the name of Orwa. The elven gods, their power and grip over the material plane and their own realms of existence has slackened. The elven gods are dying. You three are agents of three of the devil princes. Seekly Jacob.

The most pertinent thing to know about me is that I have a giant rhinoceros. Trisco Flamjam. I am also a tiefling, but my class and level is rogue and three. My flaw is that I have a tell that reveals whenever I'm lying. What is the tell? Oh, time will tell. Prangle's Punch. Punch?

I was a foolish fool. I know all the things about Belzebul. I did accidentally make a tiny bit of a deal. You imagine that you might be barred from entry if the town guard is still investigating the place. It might be worth it to case it tonight. The scriptorium is the most obvious building anywhere in Orwa. It sits nestled in the mountainside itself.

Hanging off the balcony, but I've got the rabbit with me. Yeah, you assassinate the rabbit. Yeah, I do that. Absolutely. Self-kill. Firstanging off the balcony, but I've got the rabbit with me. Yeah, you assassinate the rabbit. Yeah, I do that. Absolutely. First win in the game. You got the biggest enemy I've put before you guys. You're scaling the side of the

scriptorium, trying to remain hidden. Brangles, it's your turn. I want to try and keep climbing. Alright. I got a bad boycott. Oh, no. Are we going to fall again?

Wrangles, you cannot get any... Your arms are... From holding onto the rope, when they jerked around, trying to stop yourself from descending, you pulled something very seriously in both of your shoulders, and you don't have the upper body strength to right

yourself. That's your turn. I don't know. The man comes back with a set of spectacles. Hey, what's over there? He looks over. Just a cloud of fog, mate. He might spot you, Trisco.

Yeah, you didn't make any... Well, obviously, you're not trying to be seen, but to move around to get the rabbit and then kill it... What if the rabbit blood as well? You're now visible, unfortunately, Trisco. He looks down and sees you. Hey, who are you? That's his turn.

Okay, right. Sickly? That's his turn. Sickly, it's your turn. I will stay hidden in this cloud of fog. Trisco. Okay, right. You're going to have to kill him, Ian, man. I just feel bad about it. How quickly can I get on the balcony?

You could climb up this turn if you wanted, but that would be most of your movement. It's a wizard. Not that it would matter, because you're kind of face-to-face right now. Okay. I guess what I'm trying... I would like to be able to, like, take him from behind with a dagger to his throat. Is there any way I could do that in a turn? As in not to kill him?

Not to kill him, but have a knife to his throat. To get behind him to do that would be hard, but you could try to do that from... Okay, from the front, yeah, I'll do that. Awesome position of power. But, like, hanging from the balcony with a knife, like, I'll get you, man. Actually, no, sorry, oh, no. No, never mind.

I'm not strong enough. Do you have anything that helps you with a roll? Any cards? A saving throw? Not a saving throw. No. Adam's looking through his bad boy cards. I'm not a good enough boy.

You're just a fine boy now. You try to grab at him and threaten him with your dagger, but as you do that, he stumbles backwards. Ah! No! He throws his hands up and the pipe falls out of his mouth. It conks you on the head, but it doesn't hurt, right? And it tumbles below you.

Am I now on top of him? You can climb with him up onto the balcony if you want. You don't have to, though. But you fail to try and get leverage on him. Okay, right. Well, yeah, I sort of try and climb up there. All right, you climb up onto the balcony. Then, Brangles.

Do you want to try again? Yeah. I can hear that, right? I can hear that right i can hear you can hear a scuffle happening yeah okay good you see the pipe fall apart that's a plus for me i and you catch it in between your teeth and take a puff and then let it go you climb 20 feet up slowly dragging yourself if you want you can spend the entire turn getting to the balcony yeah all right you try again leave sickly look you move 20 feet and that's more than nothing but you're getting tired again your arms are so heavy it feels leaden you you just can't move them and you're dragging the figurative and

literal almost dead weight of sickly Jacob behind you. Cut the rope. You could. Oh, I'd definitely be thinking about it. As the tobacco flies past me, another thing I'm allergic to. My throat closes up momentarily. That was Brangle's. It's the wizard's turn. Ah, no!

He takes another five foot step back and then he casts a spell. Oh, no. Hopefully it's because I'm his, like in the song. A little, like, look internal. Sorry. You're like, what am I doing? Three bolts of arcane energy leap from his hand and strike you.

You take a total of six, seven, eight points of damage. Shit. It feels like three solid punches. Maybe with a gauntleted fist. It's heavy. It's like taking a powerful blow. What's your health? I'm on 11.

Ooh. That is grisly. Then it is Sickly's turn. Can I start trying to shimmy up the rope? Sure. Weakly grabbing at the hem. Wrangles. Sickly Jacob climbs up and over you.

If you want, sickly Jacob, you can keep going. I will. Look, 20 feet is more than nothing. I imagine I'm drenched in sweat. You're on top of your ankles, sweating

heavily. That's all cold. You've got heavy arm patch... arm patch? Arm pit stains, and you're the the front and all down your back is just soaked and stuck to your chest don't i didn't want to set an alarm off trisco so i'm i'm taking a bit of damage and i'm on the balcony. Yes. And this boy is in the room. He's backing up. He's bumping into the, into the door.

That's slightly ajar. Okay. Right. Fuck. So with my cunning action, say if I do like a, like a disengage, is that an after an attack thing that I can do? Yeah,

you can do it after an attack if you want. Okay, cool. Can I withdraw both daggers or i just my rapier i'll just get my rapier yeah and i just go straight for his throat and then hope to disengage by sort of climbing above wait wait so we're on a balcony right on the second story i'm sorry on the second story uh this would be the third okay right so if i could i climb above onto the roof as a bit of a

i mean can that be kind of my ultimate destination that i could try yeah okay cool uh no you can yes to get out of range is my idea you step forward brandishing your rapier your rapier stabs him straight through the throat you deal seven points of damage you draw back the rapier and the man collapses. Okay, right. Disengage that disengage, please. Thank you. I decouple it as you speak. Okay, well, if he's dying, can I grab him by the collar and say, get busy talking or get busy dying?

Who are you? Blood is just pouring out of the man's mouth. He's trying to form words, but he can't. That, I'm going to keep it an initiative just for as long as Sickly and Brangles are still precariously dangling. Just to let you know, if you break the second pitton, it's a long fall. Yep. And the wizard spends his turn dying sickly.

I'll keep climbing. Oh no, it was Brangle. Sorry, Brangle, you go first. Is there any chance I can just try and secure another piton in? You can, that'll be your turn, and you still need to make a check just to cling on to the side. Yeah, that seemed like the smartest

way. Yep, I'm just gonna try and secure side. Yeah, that seemed like the smartest way. Yep, I'm just going to try and secure my own fate because I guess... Look, the chances of us falling again... Well, you secure a pittin' and you can get a good boy card. Oh, thank God. Lucky girl. No more wrangle dangles. Then it's the wizard.

Spence's turn dying. Sickly. Clamber up. Bad boy card for this boy, yes. That's a shame. You fall. Oh, God. Thank God.

Brangles is so... Between you and the pittin' that you just hammered in, you feel the heavy tug of Sickly Jacob forces the line taut, but you do not get yanked off the wall. Sickly Jacob, you take four points of damage. God, I shoot you the dirtiest look. Climb them. Trisco, it's your turn again.

You keep just shaking them out for information. If you wanted to, you could make a medicine check a skill check uh the medicine skill check to try and close over his wound and get him to talk uh yeah well before i do that can i just quickly look in the room to check there's somebody there no there's no one like his son is just standing there crying there are there's a bank of maybe five cages with rabbits in them but there's no living creatures in the room otherwise okay cool i think i know where i'm storing the body um small the rabbits will eat the body and then no one will know exactly those carnivorous rabbits pigs basically the same as long as it's from a farm yeah the medicine check thank you you succeed

you close over his wound. Please, mercy. And then it's Brangle's turn. Oh, I try and climb and I'm not happy about it. Look, you don't fall, but you're not moving. That's good. I just daggers. Daggers.

Daggers at Sickly Jacob. Do you have a good boy card that's got like... Oh yeah, do you have any good boy cards for this? Only for saving throws. So nothing to actually help in this. What is a saving throw again? Saving throw is if like someone casts, say the Ray of Sickness, you're going to have to do like a constitution saving throw

to see if you can shrug it off. Right, okay. So, yeah, it's like it's you dealing with something that affected you instead of you affecting something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I probably should let you guys know more often when these sorts of things are happening so you can use your cards if you want, but I'm just a bad DM.

So me clinging onto a wall, if I failed, that would be a saving throw? No, that would be a skill check. Oh, no, it's a saving throw if Sickly Jacob... Dead weight were to fall. Yeah, if dead weight were to fall, that's a saving throw, but to climb up is a skill check. I just want you to know you're something that happens to me. I don't consider you another being.

That's fair. Sickly Jacob, you physically don't think you could climb I do not You're not sure how you got this far Maybe some god Temporarily smiled upon you Or maybe you were a different body But it seems unlikely that this body

Did any climbing today Why was Mephistopheles like That's the guy I want to go to protect my shit Mephistopheles just wanted to get rid of him. What? All right, whatever. Go. Please leave, Michael.

Come on. Then it is Trisco. All right. You're just trying to get information out of him. What do you ask? Okay. Who are you? What do you do here?

I am the speaker. Please leave me be. Oh, you're the speaker. Oh, I'm sorry, dude. I'm such a big fan. Wrangles, it's your turn. Climbing? Yep, I'm doing my best.

Jesus, get another good boy card. You drag yourself and Sickly Jacob up, unless you don't want to drag Sickly Jacob up. You get up onto the balcony, and then with a single tug, no roll required, you could get Sickly Jacob up, or you could just cut that rope. No, I pull him off.

All right, you're both... I'm going to go out of initiative. Everyone's up now. I want his rhino. Those rabbits. Do I throw the rabbits off the edge? Feel free to interrogate the speaker now if you want. Okay, cool.

I'm sorry we had such a misunderstanding. We are allies. You see, we are truth seekers. We may be from out of town, but all we seek is the knowledge beheld on the tablets, which we believe are missing. Have you heard of such a thing yes um i uh i kind of back away from him and like uh give him something to i i give him one of my rations say here eat this we're buddies now and i i pat him patronizing me on the back he gingerly begins eating the rations,

but he looks very suspicious about the whole thing. Can you lead us to the place where everything went missing? Or we'll kill you. I don't know if that intimidation check should be a disadvantage. Look, I'm going to say just regular intimidation check. And he starts sweating bullets. Maybe you gave him hard tack to eat. And it's quite obvious that he does not have the saliva to eat hard tack right now.

So he just like spits it out. It messes up his purple robes. eat hard tack right now. So he just like, spits it out. It messes up his purple robes and he says, of course, please come this way. He gets unsteadily to his feet. Sorry. Is it cold out at all?

It is pretty cold, yeah. Okay, well, I would like to use my elemental attunement to heat up his robes. Thank you for that. That's just to warm them, right? You're not

setting me on fire. No, no. We just want you to be comfortable so you can help us as best as possible. Before I die? Why would you die? Are you sick? Come on. Come then. Come then. Come then. Before we go, I gesture to the animals

and say, what is the meaning of this? What are you doing with these guys? I keep pet rabbits Is it like a sexual thing? Well, I think that's just projecting No, this is projecting and I cast a minor illusion of a projector

Which projects back onto me An image of another projector And then I put on an album By the Dirty Projectors and throw myself off the balcony Good You should, frankly You fucking should So wait, he's starting to lead us out of the room?

Yeah. I kind of want to... Okay. Well, no, but before he does, I want to ask him, where are you taking us? I'm taking you to where we keep the metal tablets. And the tablets aren't there? Well, no, but that's where the crime happened. I assume you want to see it.

How many guards are we encountering along the way? No guards are allowed inside the scriptorium except on official business. Well, I'm not allowed in here and here I am. So fucking what's the deal? You make another intimidation check. Look, he was already intimidated. You're not very intimidating because you sound mad. But he was intimidated before, so he's sufficiently

scared that you might stab him or something. Stab him again or something. There's no guards inside. They stay outside at night. Okay. Do we believe him? If we encounter anyone, it's his head. We'll kill him, set him on fire. He knows he'll die. Yes.

If he doesn't comply. Oh, nice. Thank you. If he doesn't comply. Oh, nice. Thank you. It's my new motto. Brangle's punch. You know you'll die if you don't comply. That's on a billboard. It's my wrong face.

All right, then. Come along. There is an awkward silence. He leads you down darkened corridors. You're obviously in the dormantries here on the third level, so you have to move kind of quietly. Okay. I miss my rhino.

I'm so sad I didn't get to bring my rhino. Will I get to get my rhino ever? Is it just going to stay in the stable? You should have taken a rabbit. Well, I wanted something to protect me. I'm not very strong. Well, the rabbit was stronger than you. I ask Sickly Jacob to hold out his hand, and I cast the minor illusion of a little rhino.

Trisco, do you have anything for skill checks? Yeah, Trisco. What do you mean? Because you just really failed your stealth roll. Oh, no. No, I only have saving throw. Well, super sorry about that. But look, all three of you did pretty poorly.

You got the lowest three numbers you could get. A one, a two, and a three. All right. Who got the one? Trisco got the one. Okay. Sickly Jacob got a three. Brangle's got a two.

What's a one on a stealth check? Like, I don't know, fall on a timpani? You're about to find out. So, as you're creeping through the dormitories, you, Trisco, accidentally trip on a poorly placed rug, grab a tapestry on the wall, tearing that. Goes through the entire thing. The heavy tapestry collides with a table with a vase on it on the wall. The vase falls over.

Brangles, you move to grab it. It slips through your hands, crashes on the floor. Brangles, you swear loudly when that happens. Sickly Jacob, you look around and say, Shut up! Highs or lows? Highs. Nothing happens. That terrified pause was like,

Anybody? Nobody? Nobody? All right. You hear snoring still. And I look to the speaker and say, now I believe you. Keep walking, chump. Believe me for what? There's no guards in here, man.

Come on, get with the program. Oh, okay, okay, okay. You start moving downstairs. You go down to the first level, and then you keep going down. There's a basement, and in the basement, the speaker lights a lantern, which triggers some sort of chain reaction where a fire runs along the roof, lighting this entire lower level. It's just racks and racks and racks of metal plates.

It's the largest single library any of you have ever seen and this is just one level fuck it's down this way please okay we'll follow him he leads you to an intersection where you can see that some sort of scuffle and an altercation has occurred there's a bit of blood on the floor and a lot of sticky green residue over everything. Ew. I'm not going to do... Oh, actually, you know what? I'll give you a little drawing of what the place looks like. Yeah, please do. I'm not going to do

much rolling unless I absolutely have to. You guys just describe what you're looking at and what you're doing and I'll tell you what happens. The metal plates, can we read them at all or do it have to go through the devil princess you can try to read them they're written in the common language but they're elaborate it's like very detailed notes classic owl vintage fucking vintage owl convoluted i feel

like i'd rather hang out with the eagles than the owls what like glenn fray singer from the eagles actually drummer i believe anyway shut up i've said that that i was tickled i would have loved to just blank stage yeah see how long along we could have gotten how long along how long along how long along maybe daniel rosen the singer from department of eagles yeah that's another option let's keep going how many Eagle bands do you know? I'm going to go with two. Oh, no, three. Eagles of Death Metal, Jesse Hughes.

I suspect the more you think about it, the more Eagle-based bands will present themselves. The next one I can think of is Hawkwind, but that's a totally different situation. Very offensive to Eagles. You cannot say that when we're in the dungeon. That is our word. do the owls live here are they big owls aren't they giant are they giant yeah they're okay the sizes of horses basically whoa standing up sick that's so cool yeah imagine a standing horse that's how big the owls are and the same with the eagles man that's mad do the owls are. And the same with the eagles. Man, that's mad.

Do the owls and eagles confer with each other? Or are we like, we get the day guys, we get the eagles. I feel like the owls are the party animals. Yeah, I reckon that they probably hate each other, you know? There's a real, like, rivalry there. So the little blue shapes are shelves. The black colored in splotches are where the sticky green substance is on the walls and floor. And the little red thing is where there's a blood splatter.

Right. I will go look at where the missing plates are. And I will see what's around them. Like what the other plates are. See if, like from context, I can find out what specifically maybe was on the plates. And then try and figure out why someone would steal them the plates are labeled but they're labeled with some sort of uh categorization system that you don't understand that is the dewey decimal no the huey decimal it came before the dewey decimal i think i've made this joke before it's the louis

i mean that makes sense they They are birds, so. That is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there anything notable about where they've been taken from? Maybe if I look at the floor where someone would have had to stand, look for fingerprints? Well, they're all roughly at chest height. So a man standing here would have been roughly the height where they just reach out and grab it. standing here would have been roughly the height where they just reach out and grab it. Okay. You can

see that, um, yeah, apart from that, there's not much else to it that you can see. You know you have the speaker standing here who could tell you what the reference system means. Oh, I'll ask. Don't excuse me. What does the reference system mean? Uh, these numbers

are for all devils. Okay, so this is just a devil section. Yes. Right. There are many different ones from many times and places, but this area here specifically is the time and place of, um, there's a little tiff going on between heaven and

hell right now. Yes, yes. Can you think of a reason why someone would take it from here? No, I don't know. It seems quite weird. They didn't take everything. It just looks like they grabbed. What's the floor made of?

Stone. Okay, so I couldn't track. No. That's sad. I asked the speaker in my sweet character voice, Hey, speaker, what's up? Who is allowed access to this room? Myself and my assistants.

How many assistants do you have? I have eight. Eight. Name them all quickly. Actually, you know what? I can. One is called. No, no, no, no.

I do have names for them, actually. I'll have you know. Give me one. You fucking showed us. Gosh darn moment. Look how much we're being shown. I know. I feel shown to fuck. Give me one. You fucking showed us. Gosh darn moment. Look how much we're being shown. I know. I feel shown to fuck.

Hushums. Their names are Gocus Pocus. Fuck you. Sorry, is that one more? Wait, is that one name? That's one name. Good. Then Diplodocus.

Henrietta Fuckapples. Yep. Good, Adam. Don't know why you don't go to this more often. then Diplodocus Henrietta Fuckapples yep good Adam don't know why you don't go to this more often let me know when you're ready I'm ready Mr. Ariana Grande it's happening I never thought I'd live it but here we are

Apes are plenty aplenty is her surname thought I'd live it, but here we are. Apes are plenty. A plenty is her surname. Apes are plenty. She. Sluck. Sluck. Sluck.

Sluck. Good. Spelled with four Ks. Spaghetti forever, although we just call her Alice Was that Alice? Alice Well, Spaghetti Forever is her birth name, but we call her Alice for short

Michigan Lips Michigan Lips did it, and I'm calling it now and lice girl lice girl lice girl as in a girl with lice I'm just going to type lice girl times three lice girl to the power of three

it's just those eight and me Porkster Angela that's the name of the speaker? Yes. Porkster Angelo. And of course, my beloved rabbit, Veronica Monkus. I make the gong reference. There is Veronica.

I create a minor illusion of just like a rabbit like hopping far enough away that he's like, oh, cool. Oh, my lips. My cheeks hurt. Is that the speaker or Adam? It's both. All right. I'm going to look at the green sticky substance.

As soon as you approach it, you can... Well, no, you could smell it before you got here. It's like this noxious, pungent odor, and it gets very strong when you approach it. You can tell that it's some sort of knockout gas. Oh, okay. Who would have been in here to be knocked out? This is a knockout gas. Who would have been in here to be knocked out? This is a knockout guess.

Who would have been in here? Sluck, that's their blood on the floor. So Sluck is dead. Sluck was knocked out, hit the floor. Could you tell us where Sluck would be right now? In his dormitory, sleeping. Can you get Sluck for us? All right, are you going to wait here?

No. Some one of these two will go with you. All right, then. Which one? Well, easy. Is there any way that I could whisper and not be her? You could just come up and say it now, would you? I mean, we've got the power in this situation.

This man thinks we're going to kill him, so we can just be like, don't listen. And then he won't. Because you're quite good at thieving, so I'm thinking if you just steal a metal plate so we can get a forgery later. Well, that is true. That's a good idea. You go to the place where the metal plates are made where the like blankies are yeah so when we start going to the dawns i'll hang back and just how many how many how many tablets have gone one each yeah no there's five tablets gone okay but they they just all five

relate to the same issue cool so all five are related to all of your um legion lords um i i i turned to the speaker just back in the interrogation thing how how how did you guys become aware the tablets were missing when sluck didn't come up for a supper we knew something had happened right started looking for him and i found him here unconscious on the floor so you found him hey we found him we me and gocus pocus and henrietta fuck apples oh of course okay i'm gonna need to write this down timeline of events so sluck spends his time down here fucking around slucking around and And then, knocked out. And then, Porks,

Henrietta, and Gokus, and Gokus discover. Then, presumably, the guards were called. Yes, of course. Who else was around? Where was, say,

Missaria Grande? Probably attending to studies somewhere else. Okay, then. Are all eight of your assistants in their dorms? Yes, they should be sleeping. And how, if they bloody didn't wake up before that tapestry debacle. Did you say that the green stuff was Slug's blood or the blood was Slug's blood? The blood is Slug's blood.

The green stuff is something. It's your knockout guess, yes? I didn't know. Well, I do. Yes, it's a knockout guess. All right, so you've got knockout guess, Slug's blood, missing plates. Can I search the area for anything? Yeah, you can have a look. Well, what are you looking for? What do. Can I search the area for anything? Yeah, you can have a look.

Well, what are you looking for? What do you mean, search the area? So, like, go outside the exact crime scene to the shelves in the surrounding area and look for disturbances, look for, you know, anything that sort of suggests maybe somebody came through quickly. Having a look around a bit further away you discover a cracked glass orb it's covered in that green stuff it looks like it was contained within oh that's weird that it's away from the crime scene then there's a little something printed

on it but it's all smeared okay you'd have to like clear it away which would mean dealing with the green stuff which could just knock you out. I take it back in. Somebody needs to move away the green stuff so we can see where this came from. I go over to the wizard and pull him over and use his robes to wipe it. Club. He'll take it. He'll cop the damage.

Do you have anything for saving throws? Yes. I have advantage on a saving throw. You want to use that. I would like to use my advantage. Put it back in the deck. Draw another card. Thank you.

Best boy. You are fine. You feel overwhelmed. As you start shifting it, you uncover a new layer of the green stuff and a new wave of it comes out. All of you feel drowsy as soon as it hits you. But you, Brangle, are standing right next to it when it happens. You feel a wave of nausea, dizziness, and the desire to sleep, but you throw it off. Porks, however, it off um porks however collapses classic pork vintage collapses like passed out yeah

it obviously overwhelmed him just go grab a tablet i go grab five tablets but i i take them from like a little one over here a little one one over here, a little one over here. Like, you know, like when I used to steal like wine from my parents' wine cellar, it's like they'll notice if five ones all went missing. And then I forged fake wine labels on them and put them back so the speaker would read them out. So my demonic lord. I didn't realize. Yeah, no, I forgot.

I've been to your house and I forgot. It just must have subconsciously sunk in, this design. Sent to the side of a mountain. I knew your basis on my life. When do the sick orgies and drug parties start, bruh? You, your parents, Porkster, Angelo and Veronica Moncus,

your brothers and sisters, Gokas Pokas, Henrietta, the fuck apples and the rest. And my Michigan lips, which is the name of my cat. Because, Henry, are the fuck apples in the rest? And my Michigan lips, which is the name of my cat. So I take five tablets from sort of unassumingly different places. Cool, cool, cool. Can I carry them with no wish?

They're heavy, but not that heavy. Okay, cool. Are there any blank tablets? Is there like a place where they would construct the tablets? None that you've passed or seen. You could start searching. They should have some for inscribing here somewhere. But, like, it's five stories. We take them.

They've already got stuff with them. Yeah. The new numbskulls. I thought it would be helpful to get someone to forge it. Oh, like, forge it. We need to show them something. All right, I put four back. And I take one.

We were the numbskulls. I like the idea that we hand someone a tablet just to hope they don't turn it over. Yeah, exactly. We fill the other side in with putty and paint it. Okay, I'm adding one tablet to my equipment. Alright, so do we want to get

slacking here to see who might have caused this or do do we want to get Sluck in here to see who might have caused this? Or do we just want to leave? Go back to our comfortable beds. I'm allergic to books by the way. Bookworms. It might be helpful to question Sluck.

Let's go wake him up. Yeah, let's do that. What should we do with old maid Porkstangelo? Leave him. Push him in a corner. Just bring out a nice rabbit. So he wakes up with a rabbit. Yeah.

That'll be good. Maybe we could carry him back up to his room. Oh, yeah, that's true. Put him to bed. Make him think it was a dream. Oh, that's a good one. That's a classic. Let's do it.

What a dream. So you take Pork Stangelo's unconscious form. You's do it. What a dream. So you take Pork's D'Angelo's unconscious form. You take it back to his room. Oh, if I were to cast Ray of Sickness on him, would he wake up or not? No. Because I could just make him feel like he had a fever dream. You've already done it once this day. Oh, no.

That's sad. I only get one. Speaking of, sorry, I'm poisoned. Can I unpoison myself? Oh, it goes away After a minute Okay cool You get back to his room

You dump him in his bed And then for the third time Tonight You go to the dormitories Well actually Sorry just before that Whilst If we can

Whilst we're in his room I kind of want to take a look around It's Limp Bizkit Fucking up your town And You know Like check for any Magical little trinkets or something.

I'm a thief. Let's like conceal some shit. Well, you can take his little hearing aid. Oh, that's fun. Can I take his hat? Good, he can't hear us. I can take his hearing aid and see what happens. Do I get like magic ultra hearing?

No, you do not. Oh, boo. I put it on my mouth and play it like a trumpet. I play tequila. Yeah, sure. That's been in his ear. Yeah's gross as hell it is it tastes like earwax oh yes you get his magic hat as well what's in it you start rooting around in it yeah there's like a tobacco pouch a backup pipe and another rabbit oh let's put the rabbit like in

veronica's cage yeah Veronica's cage. All five cages are full. Okay, right. He just had two in his hat. I'll stab this rabbit and throw it away. For real? No, I don't. I mean, like, whatever. I don't care. Put the rabbit in his bed. Yeah, put the rabbit in bed with him. It looks like the hat is maybe five

times its rate. It's definitely got extra dimensional space to it, but not a lot. Okay. Can I fit in it? You can write hat of holding if you want. And pipe of hearing. Okay, nice. Pipe of hearing.

I thought you referred to the tobacco pipe. I was puzzled. Whilst I'm here, also, I've got pretty low HP. Can I, like, mend myself up or something? You don't have any healing magic or healing... I have Cure Wounds. Well, he can heal. Hey, does anyone want to heal me up a little? I'm a little rougher. Absolutely. Thanks to Brain Corpse. I cannot.

You recover, Trisco, you recover 11 hit points, so you're on 22. Nice. Well, how are we going to leave? Is the plan to head out the way we came in, or...? Well, aren't we going to the dorms now? Oh, that's right, sorry.

All right, you go to the dormitories. There are eight doors here, four on either side of the corridor. I examine for labels on them. Yeah, so you've got, like, Sluck and Boston Gold. Heise or Lose? Heise. It does not look like apprentices warrant a label. May I make a suggestion?

Of course. We lie. Yeah. But I have a tell. I lie. We could tell fibs and what we could do is say that pork sent us. That's very true oh i can i can use disguise self to look like paul and like go in but you can't lie because you're gonna tell so you say nothing

he can lie he just has a tail okay so what i need to do is say some say things that aren't technically lies i mean i mean is is that what my power can do can i disguise myself convincingly you can make yourself look like Porks Okay, cool, I quickly run back into Porks' room and take all his clothes I put them over my clothes You look so weird You have leather armor You're wearing dark common clothes

With a hood Leather armor Mage robes That's good Okay, I might have just robes over the top That'sge robes. That's good. Okay, I might have just said robes over the top. That's what robes do, right? That's a good of robes. That's a robe point.

All right, we'll knock on the first door. Robes Pierre. All right. Jacob, Jacob, give me the hat. Give me the hat. Yes, of course. I put the fucking hearing thing. No, I...

No, yes, I do. Okay. You knock on the first door. And I have disguised self by now. Yeah. A creature opens the door that does not look so much human as more like sentient ape. Oh, aplenty, he thinks. Apes aplenty, I assume.

Master? Sorry to disturb you at this ungodly hour. Master, we'd like to... Apes aplenty looks to either side of you. Who are these people? We are new apprentices.

I didn't know... And I say, They have come with me. Which is not a lie. Why are you awake? What's going on? Oh, let these ones explain. We require some assistance.

See, we're investigating what's happened to the tablets. Do you know anything about what happened to the tablet heaps of plenty gives you a bleary look he's obviously still quite sleepy oh no adam gets a bad boycott we've not gotten one but that's good for us yeah that's true oh no who are you what's the meaning of this? Never mind. Where's Slug's bedroom? We don't need to talk to you.

Master, what is happening? He's very sick. He can't talk. Yes, I'm very sick. I start twitching. No, well, I... Is that your tell? I start twitchy and going...

I'm so sorry. I have cast... Oh, by the way, when you say that, when you say that, Trisco, I'm going to use one of my bad boy cards to make you re-roll that. Okay. You big fuck. Fuck, dude. Make him waste his bear boy you discover your rapier is a disrepair trisco it deals half her damage until you take the time required to tend to it oh man i cast ray of

sickness you can't no as in i'm saying Well cause we're saying that Oh you cast ray of sickness I'm trying to explain like oh no I cast ray of sickness Didn't I? And I accidentally say it's true it hit me It was meant to hit the I don't do that bit All three of you get a good boy card

Woo Nice work Pr Brangles. Thank you. Thank you. I like how you spelt my name with two A's and I've spelt it with two R's. Oh, nice. So you're Brangles. Brangles.

Schlock's room is a cross like it's always been. Yeah, thank you. We forgot. Go back to your seat. You didn't know. Surely, Master. He, thank you. We forgot. Go back to sleep. You didn't know. Surely Master knew. He's very sick. Very sick. I don't know anything

these days. Go back to sleep. Hope you get a plenty of rest. And we skulk out. I love the idea that your well wish was a lie. Alright, Apes closes the door. Alright, we'll open Sluck's room. You just go in?

Yeah. Alright. I lead the way because I got the disguise on. Sluck's asleep in her bed. Okay, let's sneak in. Let's maybe look around before like try not to wake her.

We'll give her sneaky search. Sluck has a bandage around her head. Got an obvious red stain. We'll give the room a searchy-search-search. Bit of a scrounge for us. You look around the room, there's nothing of interest. But Adam, I use my good boy card and get a fortuitous circumstance. Give me that fortuitous circumstance, Adam.

give me that fortuitous circumstance adam sluck fast asleep starts talking in her sleep i told you i saw nothing no i was out before anything happened before anything happened no i didn't catch a glimpse of them i couldn't tell you how many there are. Any other questions, officers? That is just the unluckiest fortuitous. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty cool.

Yeah. Look, we're lucky, but also just unlucky. I like watching Adam's face as he looked at the card and was like, there's literally nothing here there's no clues here this is the best I've got for you at least we know

that this is it's a waste now we know alright then so maybe Gocus Pocus and Henrietta Fuckapples they were there

no all the other people were in their dormitories no one could have been there did we find out what the orb said? The orb?

No. He just fell unconscious. Chub! Darn! We just completely... We're bad detectives. He fell asleep. We're like, oh my god, steal, steal, steal.

It says Silverstone underneath. Okay. Silverstone. Does that seem like a manufacturer? It looks like a, yeah, potentially it's like a manufacturer's stamp to identify it. Okay. Okay. Well, I say we go back to the tavern.

I agree. And then we, in the morning, search for Silverstone. Perhaps they are a maker of goods of some kind. And then we see who could have they sold it to or if it's theirs themselves. I'd be happy with that. This seems like the luckiest of dead ends. I agree. I'm just going to go put some clothes on an old man. Excuse me.

I head back and redress the man. Make sure he's cuddling the rabbit tight and make sure I clean up all the rabbit blood on the balcony. Really try to make this seem like a fever dream. Maybe get... Use the rabbit to soak up the rabbit blood and toss it like a rag.

Maybe I kneel down. The only... So there'll be no evidence other than that eyewitness that saw all three of you. Oh, let's kill Aves aplenty. We might have to kill Aves aplenty. Well, yeah, he saw two, right? He thinks. He didn't see you. That's true.

Okay, well, but still that's suspicious if we ever come back. Maybe we should go in and whilst I'm still disguised I can be like, don't ask me about this. Or I'll fail you. After all, I am your master. What are we going to do? Are we going to go try that or push him off the balcony?

I wrote that. All right, let's tie him up and push him off the balcony. You want to tie him? Nope. I wrote it for lying. All right, then you go tell Eli,? No. I wrote it for life. All right. Then you go to the eye, I suppose. Or we just leave him.

I reckon what you do is you impersonate this man for the rest of your life so that no one ever gets suspicious. We push Porta Angelo off the balcony and you sleep here tonight. Why do we all sleep here tonight? The disguise self lasts an hour.

All right, what's our plan? Okay, yeah, let's fuck it. Let's go back to Apes of Plenty and I'll just pop my head in. Okay, let's go. Hello. And I open the door, presumptively. Hopefully, Apes of Plenty isn't, like,

doing anything inappropriate. Apes of Plenty wakes up again. What do you want? Oh, good question. Yeah, just about tonight, maybe it's not necessary to bring it up to anybody. We're investigating

for the good of the university or whatever it is, the politics of all this stuff. Never mind that. This ray of sickness. Well, no. There's a bad boy card coming to play. I don't have any good ones.

Thank God. Anyway, back to sleep, sweet dreams. Donkey Kong. And I skulk away. There's just no response. All right. I think we did that. That's not no response. Alright, do you... That's not a fail!

I poke my head back out and say, guys, I think it went really well. I give a thumbs up! I just got that that's your tell. Alright, let's shimmy back around. I do redress the old man first. That's good. Okay, cool. And then you leave? Yeah. around and yeah i do redress the old man first that's good okay cool and then you leave yeah yeah all right having cleaned up the evidence of your rabbit murders you uh leave cool will

our heroes ever face punishment for their rabbit murdering crimes find out next time on trouble in orwa a dnd is for Nerds 5th Ed Adventure. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you'll find us at Sandspanceradio. Or you can find us individually, I'm at AllDogsAreDead. I'm at RetroArchetype. I'm at GodDammitZammit. And I'm at Jackson B. Bailey.

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