D&D is For Nerds - Trouble in Orwa #6 Brain Slugs

Episode Date: August 4, 2018

In which our heroes are forced to deal with a young, but street-smart goat herder.Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadCass: https://twitter.com/JacksonBBalyShanks: twitter.com/timtimfed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Coasters fit in toasters. Hey everyone, our sister show, Plumbing the Death Star, is doing another UK tour. We're doing Edinburgh Fringe, London Podcast Festival, some late night shows at the Soho, and a bunch of cities in between. So, if you want to catch us live, even if it's just a demand we do D&D and bring Cass next time, you can grab tickets at sandspantsradio.com slash live. But be quick, as a lot of shows are close to selling out. Welcome to episode 6 of Trouble in Orwa,

a D&D is for Nerds 5th Ed Adventure. Beaviously. Did you see if the Droogar are still inside? They didn't much like us. I don't know, to be honest. That's very unhelpful.

And the Droogar is dead. You can hear yelling and commotion from inside. Is his body a metaphor? His body is a mess. Tell you what. Ah, yes. Please, step in far.

I shut the door behind you. We've been pursued on foot. Well, you know step in far. I'd shut the door behind you. We're being pursued on foot. In trouble again, Ollie. Well, you know me, huh? To analyze the skull, we'll take a rest. Oh, the skull. Meditating on it. The skull.

We've got the skull. We stay in unison. Three, two, one. The skull. I feel like we just pressed H for hint. Yeah. What about, like, you heard any rumblings about comets that have been flying overhead recently? There was one a month ago.

Oh, yeah? I would ask. Wow. Maybe at the scriptorium. Every drink in this establishment is somehow themed with honey. Oh, that sounds delicious. As are most of the meals. That's nice.

Me too. Honey-braised ham? Come on. I got one of these. Well, in that case, I'm going to use one of my bad boy cards. The maitre d' looks between you two and can see that you're quite...

You're not just twitching in the face. Your entire body is twitching. The maitre d'... The maitre d', you see, reaches for something underneath the table It's a fight Oh my gosh What do you want to do?

You have a round before a response Okay I jump out the window and escape You run out as the guard starts walking in The guard is shocked by you But doesn't do anything You can hear as you're leaving The Mater D cry out Get him! I'd like to be like who was that guy? is shocked by you, but doesn't do anything. You can hear, as you're leaving, the Mater D cry out,

Get him! I'd like to be like, who was that guy? How much of... We don't know what's happening, really, do we? No, you're very aware of what's happened. Oh, so we know... Maybe when the waiter starts undressing, you're like, what the fuck happened? What the fuck is happening?

But when the other waiter comes out, you're like, I can put two and two together. He's being flam jams. You can probably quite easily duck in somewhere and transform back. Yeah, that's my plan. I just want to casually sidle up to where I was and pretend like none of this ever happened. Bad news, it didn't work.

Good news, the guard leaves, obviously, to start searching the local area for you so there's no guard immediately nearby anymore but he wouldn't know it's me no he won't know he's searching for the the waiter yeah yeah great who is here but they know it's not that waiter um while this is happening um is it very obvious when i do my ray of sickness where it's if i try very obvious yes look i'm i adam i'm sorry that this waiter was rude to you but if we can as a group move past that i assure you you will never need to interact with him again. Not the waiter. No, I just want my fucking nemesis.

Look, we'll come back to it. We'll revisit it. We'll close this arc. I guarantee it. If someone else is, like, sitting alone at a table or whatever, and you do Ray of Sickness from behind them, is there a way to sneakily do it and pretend it's just normal chatter? Unfortunately, no.

Too much... This place is actually a lot quieter and calmer than a regular tavern. I just sidled up next to the speaker. Oh, by the way, you bought him that drink? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That feels like years ago. But the waiter hasn't come back with it yet. Well, the waiter... Well, there was a bit

of an incident. I don't know if you were aware. I'd like know if you were aware. So I'd love to the speaker and be like, we bought you a drink, but something happened. The waiter arrives with the drink. Oh, no, here it is. He starts serving each of you. The speaker says and does nothing, but you see he's gripping the table with white knuckles.

We're not here to damage your head again. Don't panic. We just would here to damage your head again. Don't panic. We just would like to know... Oh, crap. As the waiter who served you walks away, all three of you can see that he looks quite perturbed at the whole situation. He's a bit flustered and panicked that a person that looked like him

was in here. We just have some questions about potential, I look around, cult activity in the area. Hmm? Yes. The cult of Hask, as it's known. Yes. You know of this cult of Hask?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's related, perhaps, to the comet that passed through. Hask's Comet, it's called. That's what we hear. That's the name to the comet that passed through Hask's Comet it's called That's what we hear That's the name of the comet Some people believe erroneously But some people believe that if you pray and say the right incantations And perform the right rituals

One can summon Hask from his comet If you were trying to do that What would be the best place in Orla? There's no particularly good place. Maybe a quiet place. Good film. Yeah. Fine film.

Yeah, okay. We started at the drive-in, which is not the right place to sit. That is a noisy place. Yeah, it was not perfect. I was in the back seat, and if I sat up, I just couldn't see the screen. It was bad. It was not perfect. I was in the back seat, and if I sat up, I just couldn't see the screen. It was bad. Yeah, it was very bad. Am I able to walk up threateningly behind the speaker

and just, like, put one arm on his shoulder and then the other one just on the metal plate? Thud. Honesty is a virtue. I've literally never lied to you we're like the worst group of people it's good i've just never lied to you so why would i start now uh where where where am i you're sitting with them oh hey what's up sorry i assume you've made it back but i never actually said that sorry you're right i am i just kind of like i'm sorry look at his uh look at his hands to see if there isn't uh if there

are any tattoos suspicious tattoos on his there's no tattoos on his hand no so where if we would because we believe this might be the solution to solving your little crime. Uh-huh. Where would we... Ah, good. The investigation's nearly done, then. They're close, too. So, what do you think would be the best place for us to investigate if we wanted to find out about the cult of Husk?

Um. Look. Um, look, there is a, um, part of the ritual requires the sacrifice of a goat. There are goat herding, there is a goat herder near town. I see. If you spoke with him to ask him if he'd sold any goats recently or some have been stolen. That's a good lady, Sandy. Are you happy to be our contact throughout this investigation? No.

Can I just tap on the metal plate? Pardon? Scratch on it with your nails. This is very confusing because you told me not to lie. This is mixed messages. Are you going to... Do you want me to say yes? It's a lie, but I'll do it if you stop.

Yes, please. Yes. All right, that's good. We get to contact you stop. Yes, please. Yes! All right, that's good. We get to contact you. Come with us, then. Oh! That's a bigger commitment than I was expecting. Death is a bigger one. Off you come!

Okay! Let's kidnap the spade. Hang on, hang on. Finish your drink. We paid good money for that. You all finish your drinks. They're delicious. Yeah, that's good.

Can we have a bit of a bond over that? Yeah. This is really, you picked a nice place. Very, very honey. It's sweet. Sweeter than we deserve. Sweeter than you deserve. This place is full of good memories to me.

I come here when I'm particularly stressed by events. Maybe when you die and your skull turns to obsidian, we'll see one of those memories. Turns to obsidian? Get on the rhino. So are we leaving? On the way out, just because I'm like a mad thief if I can, I sort of like, just kind of see if there's maybe like a staff ledger lying around.

There's one behind the maitre d's table. Okay, I just quickly. Highs or lows? We're going to go lows. Lows? The maitre d's off somewhere else. He's not at the table. Okay, great.

I furiously look to find the address of that waiter. You flip through. There's maybe six waiters' work here. You probably... Oh, no, he would have been wearing a name tag. Yeah, you can get his address. And what is it? Is it 123 Fake Street?

It's somewhere in town. It's a nicer area. No, I need the... Adam, I need the exact address to write it down in my notes. Well... it's 16 Muggins Street. 16 Muggins Street? 116

Downey Avenue. Like the fur of a duck. Yes. I spit on that and then I put the ledger back down. Baby chicken? No birds have fur. Oh.

No, Cass. What have I done? Yeah, down is more commonly from a goose, but my main concern was fur on a bird. That's my problem. I got all the comments. Ash? I just want it to be known i grip

i i i grip the speaker's wrist yeah good the whole time right as you're walking out the town guard is walking back from his search you see but you don't have time to react properly with a snapping noise a green awful looking slug is sitting on the guard's shoulder the slug jumps into the man's ear his eyes roll into the back of his head he jerks and levels his his weapon at you if we kill these guys that have all the guards on this. Yeah. Fog cloud! Hang on, we're going to an issue. Let's just hope I'm first. Or not. Perhaps we could try and remove this, like, take off his head, take out the slug.

Interrogate the slug. Interrogate the slug. No! Get like a little tweezers with a grain of salt, put it close to his face and pull it away. Please, no. I'm so delicate. You don't think a slug is delicate, but they really are.

Trisco, you go first. All right. I'll pin you in the sun for that. I don't know what to do, because I don't want to really draw attention to ourselves. I just want to escape. We're so close to the scriptorium. You're on the rhino. Just smack it on the bum.

See if it takes us away. I just want to use my bag of a thousand ball bearings, but I know we never will. Chuck them at him. Drop them near him. Yeah. Accidentally. That actually might work. Well, guys, I'm going to use my loft of string.

Well, guys, I'm going to use my loft of string. Yeah, I just get out my bag of a thousand balls and shout balls and throw it kind of at him or make it look like I spilled them or something. Ball! The guard with his rolling back eyes stumbles and begins to slip on the ball bearings. He falls over backwards, landing in a heap. I shout, cheese it! And Scarpa. You run. Wrangles?

Are we on Tom? No, no, no. You're walking to Tom. Maybe we should get the slug. Alright. This man needs help! And I grab him to put him onto Tom, but like try and choke him out. The guard? Yeah.

You know that the slug's gonna teleport away. It can do that. Teleport away. Yeah, it teleported there. It can teleport away. Yeah. Yeah. Cheese it. Trisco, you jump over the guard. Brangles, you jump over the guard. Sickly, all three of you, leap over

the guard and climb up onto Tom. How did the speaker go? Who has the speaker? Oh, you have the speaker. It's a close thing, but you all managed to get on there. Except for you, Brangles, who has disadvantage on this throw. No, you still did pretty well. Never mind. who has disadvantage on this throw. Well, is it? No, you still do pretty well, never mind.

Did the speaker see what we saw, something getting in the ear? Presumably, yeah. This is what we're trying to stop. As you all climb up onto Tom, you start trying to move, but you don't get far before it's the guard's turn. The guard levels it once again at you because it got knocked asunder. And one, two for Trisco, three, four for Brangles, five, six for Sickly. One, two, Trisco.

Yeah. The end of that spear, when the guard pulls on a string that runs along it, there's a poof. The end of it explodes like a small cannon. You're hit by a large-ish musket ball. Jesus. What do you call those things? Hand cannons. Yeah, I knew that. They're like an ancient... Fire arm.

Yeah. Who had them, though? Someone. Really, actually? Yeah. The moment you had them early on, I'm like, oh, cool. I hope they get used. I think it was... That's real cool. Who used them? Yeah. The moment you had them early on I'm like, oh cool, I hope they get used. That's real cool. Who used them?

It's basically just like a party popper. China, yeah. They were also... Not the kind of party you want to go to. The Swiss Guard used to use them way back in the day when they were protecting the when they actually defended the Pope. That's good, because it sounds like

you're just mocking their abilities now, when they actually did their job. How many Popes have we lost because of the lazy Swiss guy? I mean, like, when they were an actual army that fought for the Pope. You take 10 points of damage, Trisco.

Sorry, I said that during a yawn. I'm so bored of getting hurt. Whatever. The musket ball of getting hurt. Whatever. The musket ball breaks your back. Oh, no. You need that. The worst part about Adam's D&D descriptions is that they're always so graphic, but then it never feels like it lines up with the damage.

Adam will be like, your fingers snap backwards in their hand. Two damage. You're like, but... Four points of damage kills the average human being. Yeah, that's true. Is that true? Yes. I didn't get damage with four hit signs. I know, two damage. You're like, what? Four points of damage kills the average human being. Yeah, that's true. Is that true? Yes.

I didn't get damage with four hit points. I know, I noticed that. Well, yeah. Okay, so that waiter, technically, I only know if I'm just writing that as a note, that waiter, four hit points. Then the little slug thing disappears from the guard's shoulder and he looks confused.

But, like, you can see that he's still trying to work out what happened you could if you wanted to now that the slug is gone talk your way out of this or you could just ride away if you start trying to talk your way out of this you might have to explain something that you like a crime you've actually committed you have not committed a crime to this god but you have committed crimes recently and you might need to explain something of that. No, we just go. Right?

Can we create a fog cloud and maybe just, like, you know, disappear through it? Yeah, I create a fog cloud. You ride away. You get away. The guard is not going to catch you. Cool. Good. I like to imagine all of my magic manifesting itself like sicknesses burning hands burning forehead because i'm burning up that's the only one that could work like that uh you get away so we're heading to the goat farmer

goats every good dnd game has goats in it this is a little tip for you up and coming dms the goat farmer is not far from town he keeps close to the he keeps close to orwa but he's nestled like in these very picturesque beautiful hills rolling green you know like like out of a painting or something like that for some reason imagine orwa like a combination of, like, beautiful pastoral, like, Mediterranean sort of area and, like, South America for some reason. Not super inaccurate. Ottawa is a mixture of a lot of different cultures. You'd see buildings styled after, like, the Middle East, Greece, Italy.

Middle East, Greece, Italy, you'd see some, like, maybe sub-Saharan African sort of influences, that sort of stuff. It's where a lot of different cultures meet. It's a big melting pot, and so the style kind of depends where you are. Cool. It looks a bit garish up close, but from a distance, it looks all right. I really want to know what each of those real world cultures are attributed to in D&D. A lot of them are from Kandor, but various other places. Cool.

The owls are Greek. Yes, owls are Greek. Halflings are Italian. That's been established in a previous game, but reinforced in this one. That's all we've really covered so far. Well, elves are kind of Egyptian, so... Parts of elves.

Yeah, yeah. Parts of elves. The chest. Anyway. No, the legs. That's how they walk like an Egyptian. I'm gonna give myself a bad voice. Alright, let's hop off our... Jackson, you're sitting down. I don't have any weapons.

Yeah, I know. That's why that joke doesn't really work. Look, we're here. So you hop off. The goat herder is here. Or his son, perhaps. That's the speaker points him out. That's his son there.

While we're cheesing it, do you mind if I just quickly ask Porks, do you know how to get rid of those slugs if they come? No. I don't know if there is a way. That's a shame. I'm just concerned they'll get in him. That will be unfortunate, but we'll do whatever we have to.

I put my hand on his shoulder. What if we just make a bunch of scarves, right? Oh, I've got ears.? Oh, plug our ears. Take them for the ears, yeah? Excuse me, I thought they were neck boys. Salt our shoulders. I think I had a little too much of that honey beer. Do they go in your ear or neck? Ear. Okay. We'll plug our ears, Jen.

Can we salt ourselves? That's a good one. Heavily? Porks, you got any salt? You got a salty name. You got any Q-rolls. No, I don't. Not on me. Did anybody get a mess kit? No, all of us chose pittance over... You're idiots.

In the rations, is there any salt? You picked a mess kit. Sorry? Yeah, is there salt in the rations? There's salted food, but no salt. We'll put the salted food in our ears. Is it very salty? Are you kidding?

You put salted meat in your ears. Well, they pop on your shoulder first, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's clever. If they transport it on the shoulder, and surely in their slug brains, they're like, oh, and just leave? Maybe.

Or they might just be like, mm, meat. Be like, I'm not an actual slug. Who was it that knew about what was happening? Was it Trisco? Yeah, I knew about the cult stuff. Someone knew what the actual thing that happened was. Was that Trisco, you?

Yes. Trisco, you know that will not help. Right, okay. If plugging your ears... But I'm like, sickly Jacob, try it. I put salted meat on my shoulders. Trisco, plugging your ears would help, I would say.

I'd give you a bonus or advantage on the roll to resist. There's no point putting meat, but if we can block our ears, that's something that I feel like God might give us a bonus for. Like if anybody has like a thimble so we can still kind of hear. Meals are thimbles, right? Just shove the meat in. I stick a piston in my ear. Do you have ball bearings left?

Pittens, right. Do I have any ball bearings left? Highs or lows? Highs. Highs? You have five ball bearings. Oh. Okay.

I don't think Sickly Jacob should get any. Well, Jacob, you've got that meat to put in your hands, right? I'll give you one. What we need to consider is that if one of us goes rogue, we're fine if it's Sickly Jacob. I'm right here. And it doesn't matter. No offense, it's just that you'd be easy to kill.

That's true and rude. I'll stuff some meat in my ear and a ball bearing in the eye. I hand out ball bearings to Brangles and Chuck to myself. And then I say, what? All right. So that happens. And then you get off the ride as the goat herder's son is looking at you. You boy, where's your father?

The boy doesn't say or do anything. Is he human or what? He's tiefling, actually. Hey! Hey, brother! Can we say hello, but in Infernal? So he's like, we're cool? Is there cool tiefling slang?

No. Hey, what's up, my tief boy? I don't know. I'm not cool. Nothing much, the kid says. Tief for the morning to you! We're looking for... Those words don't work in Infernal, he says.

That's a shame. We do have a question for him. You can ask me. He puffs his chest a little bit. Do you sell any goats recently? He is cute, yes. Not like that. These are milk goats. We don't sell them.

But someone's taken one recently. Someone did buy one recently. Has someone got your goat? Someone did buy one recently, but I... Excuse me. You said you don't sell them, but someone bought one. He paid a very exorbitant rate. So you do sell them. Well, not typically, no.

I'll double it. I'm going to slam my fist on Tom. 240 gold, he says. Really? That's a lot. Yes. 120 gold. I did very good. Really? That's a lot. Yes. 120 gold. I did very good. Dad said I made a lot of money. Who'd you sell it to, could you tell us?

We'll sweeten the deal for you. Martor. Oh, you didn't even need... Who's Martor? He said his name was Martor. Describe this Martor. Matted hair. He looked homeless, maybe. but he had 240 gold

but he had 240 gold 120 gold he said he doubled it yeah i see 240 i see is it like a slums do we might find this martel i can tell you where he lives oh that's very helpful it doesn't happen to be 116 Downey Avenue, does it? No, he lives in the slums part of town. It's dead. There's no address to where he lives. I can take you there, though. Yes.

Why are you so interested in helping us? I can take you there for a price, he says. Oh, classic. Hey, but you know what? This is cool, man. You're one of us. Like, I wouldn't want you to just be taken for a rube here. Like, what's your price?

What do you want? I want five gold, he says. I paid for lunch. Paid for drinks. Come on. That's fine. I'll put in two. Okay, fine.

I'll put in two. Porks? Porks, we're missing one gold here, mate. The fifth member of our party, Porks? We're missing one gold here, mate. The fifth member of our party, Porks? Porks pats his sides and he says, I usually pay at the beeswax on a tab. I'll throw in the gold.

Porks, you owe me one gold. All right, then. Plus I bought you a drink. You owe me, let's call it an even ten. Okay. Well, here you go, young sir. What's your name again? My name?

He looks at each of you and says, No. No, I won't tell you. Okay, Dan. You're all speaking in infernal just letting me know. That's needlessly suspicious. I'm going to call you Goat Boy. Hey, Goat Boy, what like demon lord uh is for five gold

you could call me whatever you want he says he pockets the money um who's like your demon lord man i don't know oh that's gonna you haven't gone through your uh teeth mitzvah yet have i gone through tivity i wasn't born in the pubity i wasn't born in... Puberty? I wasn't born in the hells. Teaflings who weren't born in the hells don't tend to know. Right, but is there one that you're kind of barrack for, you know? Like, you're not, like, involved, but, like, worth your eyes. Yeah, like, if you were, like, a poster on the wall. If you had to pick one. Don't know, don't care.

He shrugs. Come on. Who's your dad? Am I leading you there or not? You're annoying. Yeah, who's your dad? Time is gold, he says. It's not more than five.

Get on Tom. Sorry. Get on Tom. Sorry? Get on Tom. He gets a name you don't. Nah, he says. I'm walking in front. You follow me. Why don't you ride a goat?

It'll just be darling. It looks cramped up there. I don't want to get up there. No, no, no. Ride a goat. We'll get on Tom. You're a goat farmer. He starts leading one of the...

He leaves the herd there and leads with one of the goats Okay I take a note of this guy's address Right under the waiter's address A hill Hill Outside of Orla Hill outside of Goat hill

Okay Alrighty As you're walking there he chats pleasantly with the goat The goat's name is Philip. We know the goat's name, but not goat boys. I'm adding him to my suspect list, Philip. I hope your suspect list is Philip Waiter. End of list.

Philip Waiter. Does it seem like the goat's responding? No. He's like 12. In my mind, he was like 15, but 12 is even cuter. Can I just quickly whisper, we don't have to pay him. You've already paid him. We can rob him so easily.

He's very little. We just push him over. He starts leading you through the slums. You can see every now and then there's a group of guards just marching through. How's the lows? Lows. The first group of guards that spot you, they don't say or do anything, but they stop and they're watching you as you pass. I just try to act natural.

They look not suspicious. They look kind of openly hostile. They're just watching you as you pass, and then when you've passed them, you can see that they start running to the nearest guard tower. Everyone just act cool. That's not good. If we get here first, then maybe if there's

a danger, they'll act as background. You committed a crime, misters? No. Those guards seemed awfully interested in you. Shut your mouth or we'll have to commit a crime Do you want a sneaky way out of town? Yes Five gold

Ah, how about counter offer? Sneaky way out of town in return for your legs I haven't even led you where you need to go yet Good point Fair We'll discuss that once you bring us here We can find the slums by ourselves You don't need this child

You notice that as you're moving through There's a following of guards Behind you It's getting bigger Eventually you come to an intersection And the kid stops there He turns around and he says Do you want a way out of town? Yes.

I say yes. Now's the time to ask for it. Who has the money? Because I've already paid him. No, I haven't. I'll give him the five gold. You give him five gold? Yeah.

He says, as he's counting it, he says, all right right the house you're looking for is down the end of this street to the left knock on the door and presumably a mator will answer it but i wouldn't guarantee on that uh if you want a way out of town find the sewers see you later here on fuck you kid it's okay i got his address and I point to my little ledger. We can take him out. We'll go back for him. All right.

We'll go down the street and crack that door open. You're still standing in the streets. The guards you can see are not really closing in but are beginning to number. Cool.

Guys, the guards are beginning to number. Number in the hundreds. Just, you know, play it cool. Yeah. Can we see the house of Malamar? What was his name?

Ma-tor. Ma-tor. Can we see, like, the dwelling? Yeah, you can go inside if you want. Let's do that. You're about to get away from the guards. Yes. Well, is, like, the door open? What sort of dwelling is it?

Just a mud brick single room building. Right, sick. Gross. You open the door is several planks of wood strung together and then kind of tied to the walls. You unhook one of the ends and then push it in. It because the door hasn't been properly sized. It drags a bit on the floor. You open that.

The room inside is an awful display someone who does not care for their personal hygiene has been living here there's in on the opposite side a a table which many candles of black and red wax have been set and are lit above all of these candles is stuck with daggers into the wall is a map that's none of you can place it's a weird map some sort of sea perhaps whatever it is it's an expanse without any seeming landmarks but one marked with numbers and and uh like lines in the middle of the room there's a a hole that has been dug into the floor with a ladder leading downwards and around you is blood and sick in puddles i just want to take this moment and say i love fantasy and this is great continue as you walk into the room you begin you kick something on the floor all of you look Ew. I just want to take this moment and say I love fantasy and this is great. Continue.

As you walk into the room, you kick something on the floor. All of you look down and see many different pieces of alchemical equipment, all of them bearing the silver stone mark, and also bits and pieces of used up alchemical ingredients on the floor. Okay, well, presumably we've got our man, then. I suppose if we search the area, we're not going to... There's no, like... Oh, he just left a tablet on the table, I guess.

You walk over to the table, and on the table is an open book. The book is written in a scratchy, unknown language to any of you, I'm assuming. What languages do you have? Infernal and Draconic. And Thieves Can't. Thieves Can't, yeah. None of you understand the language.

But on a close inspection, if any of you care to look, Sickly Jacob, you're clever enough to notice that it isn't a language. It isn't a language that you understand. It isn't a language that you don't understand. It's just someone is writing things in a book it's just nonsense he's not saying anything it's just you flip through it page after page after page there are diagrams the diagrams you're like these are of nothing it looks like it should be a textbook an intricate complicated textbook but it's nothing it's

actually just gibberish i think this was just written by a crazy person. I look up at the map and observe it closely. I think I can guess what the map is made of, but I don't know if I'm allowed to guess because I didn't know. Feel free to guess. Is it space? That's what I was thinking. Trisco and Sickly Jacob at the same time,

you both mutter, space. It's a star map. Yeah. Oh, nice. But we can't read it well you now identify it as a star map on a closer inspection but no you can't read it yeah i start pointing at some of those oh yeah of course that's the the tillman's crest constellation and this here is the uh the grack man's grove tillman's crest and the grack man's Groat. Perhaps we better take it. Yeah, I might just peel it off the wall. All right.

You take the knives out. The knives have not been stabbed in the corners. The knives have been stabbed. One is just up the top, and the two top corners are curled in. One is down the bottom and a bit to the left. Another one is just in the right. I would like to pocket the daggers. You can add three daggers to your inventory. Oh, yeah.

Map daggers specifically. Yeah, absolutely. Are we certain that this writing is gibberish or is it potentially a language we don't understand? Like a code. It could be a code, but you, Sickly Jacob, you're quite confident it's just gibberish. It's gibberish.

We can throw this book out, will you? But let's not. I'll pocket it. All right. You can add book-o-g gibberish. It's not. We can throw this book out, really. But let's not. I'll pocket it. All right. You can add book ojibberish. And in brackets... It's Irish. In brackets, can you write 86 next to it?

Hey, is Tom with us? You might have had to leave him outside. That's a pretty big marker of where we've gone. Well, they kind of saw you getting it. Yeah, true. Tom, fend them off. About little Cleo. Thank you, in. Yeah, true. Tom, fend them off. Thank you, Tom.

I'm going to use speak with animals because otherwise it's a waste. Pork's is still with you. That's interesting. I would like to cast speak with animals. All right. Tom, I may die down here. No! Just know that I loved you, Tom.

No! All right. Goodbye. just know that i loved you tom no all right goodbye that was a waste of speak with animals porks porks yes just checking all right cool all right what do you make of all of this mr Mr. Applenty? Is there a Mrs. Applenty? Mrs. Applenty, I would say. Yes? Wait, hold on. His name isn't Porks Applenty. It's Apes Applenty. It's Porks D'Angelo.

Damn it. It's Apes Applenty, Porks D'Angelo. Get your name straight. I'm sorry. So, Mr. Michigan Lips. Sir Slut. Sir Slut? It's not Slut. Slut. Sir Slut. Sir Slut? It's not Slut.

Slut. Sir Slut. That's great. File that away for a D&D character in the future. What? Sir Slut. Sir Slut. That sounds like a t-shirt you'd make.

It does. Sir Slut and Mrs. Dick on another another adventure So we climb down the ladder Into the depths Who goes first? That's me I'll go first You slowly descend the ladder, Brangles When you get to the bottom

Or before you get to the bottom, actually You hear a loud sound of rushing water It's wet down here. Sounds like my wife, Zing, and I follow suit. When you finally get to the bottom, you come out into a small sewer. It's smelly down here. Water is going from one end to the other. On your side of the sewer, there's a raised lip where someone can walk, but the

rest of it is just an underground sewerage tunnel. Can I look around for footprints as I am a ranger who can track? Oh, very good. Casting an eye about, you see that there are footprints in the slime and the sludge that

lead southwards. I point with a bony finger at the gross sludge. We'll follow your footprint, yes? Yes. Let's go. Wait, wait, what's happened to a... D'Angelo, you still up there? Yes.

Get your ass down here. Yeah, come on. We might need you. What are you doing? Get down here, D'Angelo. Of course, you must see that this is leading us towards our culprit. Absolutely. Get your tablets back.

You left him up the top. Yes. Goodbye. No. No. Come back. Come back. The light shining from above you goes out.

Goddammit. Goddammit. Damn, Pox. Why are we so stupid? Wish we brought Gokas P'd brought Gokas Pokas. Gokas Pokas. A name you can trust. All right, let's go back to the scriptorium.

Grab Gokas Pokas, come back. Gokas Pokas and Michigan Lips. Let's bring them. Lysco, Lysco, Lysco. We forgot about Lysco, Lysco, Lysco. Or Lysco times three. He's great. All right, we'll follow the footprints.

Oh, man. Pork's D'Angelo. You're the idiots, I guess. Is it dark down here? Yes, it is, but you all have dark vision. Hell yeah. Walking along, after about a minute, who's in front? Me.

Brangles, you see carved into the wall. Not carved, sorry. Drawn onto the wall. Some scroll. It looks like an arcane sigil of something. It might be a trap. Oh, no. You're a bit ahead of it.

Okay. I'll stop dead in my tracks a bit. You don't need to make a sound that you just got caught in the trap. No, that was me making a sound like throwing your arms back, like protecting your ducks. Like a halt. Yes. Protecting her ducks.

That's so nice. Yes, that was a warning. Okay. Well. It could be a trap. Wrangles points it out to both of you. Do I understand it? Who knows about traps?

I just don't think I do. I'll give it a good eye over and see. Wrangles, you're probably the best person to look at. I'm too humble. Too humble and beautiful is Wrangles. All right. I get a bad boy card. Oh, no.

Maybe I was the right amount of humble. It looks like nothing to you, Wrangles. You walk over to it, it's white marks on a black background. Could be anything. Oh, perhaps I spoke too soon. Anyone else want to give it an eyeball? I'll have a look. Well, Sickly Jacob, you're the first one to notice that

dark vision is only black and white. You can tell that this sigil, some of it is very hard to read or is basically invisible to you because it's coloured but on a dark background. Dark colours on a dark background, which all just shows up to you as black.

You'd have to light something. I think there's more to it than this. I'd like a torch. Why not? You'd like one of your torches? Alright. The second you do that. Oh, my God. Sickly Jacob. Let me just have a quick look. You light all the methane that is collecting here.

Oh, no. We could have had some cooked pork. Oh, man. There is some cooked pork going on. Trisco, you get a good boy card. Hey, well done. Oh, great. You rolled a 20.

Woo-hoo. Lucky boy. Which means you'll take half damage. Yes. What if this kills me? This kills everyone except for Trisco. Flam jam. Oh, I'm counting on it.

This is how I want you to die. The dice in a sewer because of fart gas. No. I'm killing you. Trisco, you take seven points of damage. Everyone else takes 14. I cast Cure Wounds on myself. Okey-dokey.

I'm sick. Any wound will fester within seconds. You recover nine hit points. Sickly Jacob. How many more arrows do you have? I have one spell left, but I need it for a fog cloud if things go south.

I've got two healing balls left, so I toss one to my buddy Brangles and say, like, Hey, heal up, buttercup. See? Go, clean yourself up. See? And I also hand this good boy card to the GM

for receiving the maximum amount of healing possible from any one source. Chuck it back in the pile. And are you using that on Trisco or yourself? I'll use the card on myself, who is Trisco. Thank you. Oh, sorry, Trisco or Brangles, I meant. Right. And I just drink my potions.

Brangles, you recover seven hit points. Ugh. And Trisco, you recover, what would Max be? Ten. Woohoo! Imagine how good drinking a health potion would be. Oh, yeah. Do you reckon people do them as drugs when they're fine?

We've had this discussion before. I've always wanted to play a character who's just, like, addicted to health potions. What a sick addiction, though. Just've had this discussion before. I've always wanted to play a character who's just like addicted to health potions. What a sick addiction, though. Just drink them all the time. Be like, well, I've got to be healthy. It's like, this is so bad for you. It's like, hey, just don't think it can be.

I think a previous ruling was that health potions taste like whatever your favorite meal is. That's so good. God, imagine if you drink one and then the next time you drink one, it changed. And that's how you found out your favorite changed sickly jacob uh health potions taste like tripe no sorry it's whatever you imagine it tastes like right that's right because uh three different people were like nice thing nice thing medicine so if i specifically was like i really want to taste adam's butthole like not somebody else's but like what would that would that reveal the truth or what i would imagine it would taste like the health potion tastes like whatever you imagine it tastes right okay if you imagine

it tastes like my butthole then if you have secret knowledge right but the potion itself doesn't have yeah secret knowledge it's not like this is exactly because that would be great at like it like sort of crime deduction because you deduction. What was the taste of the criminal? It tastes sweaty. Like a guy. Well that's just further complicated. This is a giant strawberry sculpture.

Nikki Webster! Look for Nikki Webster! There's a joke that I'm sure maybe 5% of the audience gets. I just love the fact that she would have had to leave trace elements of strawberry at the crime scene for it to sort of... Yeah, taste. Like, she's just using her lips as big old feet. But she doesn't have the strawberry kisses. It's the bow to whom she is singing.

She's been missing the strawberry kiss and kissing. Look for Nikki Webster. She can lead us to the past. Who were you singing about? I don't know anymore Where were you on the night of The Sydney Olympics 2000 I'll tell you where I wasn't

The charts Fuck you Nikki Webster That's right Come get me We know you listen I remember reading Where is she now Fuck you, Nikki Webster. That's right. Come get me. We know you listen. Nikki Webster, number one D&D is for nerds. I remember reading, like, where is she now? Like, eight years ago.

Oh, gosh. I was in a woman's day. It was a good time of my life. Is she okay? I think she was. She was, like, married to, like, a boring dude. It wasn't good. That's nice.

I'm glad she left digital Jimmy. Digital Jimmy? Remember the strawberry kisses video? Oh, my God. Yes. I remember digital Jimmy. I remember she was kind of Jimmy. Digital Jimmy? Remember the Strawberry Kisses video? Oh, my God. I remember Digital Jimmy. I remember she was kind of like in a cyber outfit. She looked like a spy kid. Like a little bad CGI boy, yeah?

Oh, it was good at the time. Well, yeah. You've got to consider the time. Well, the music's so timeless. Yeah, exactly. That's true. We forget. God, I sang that song so much in front of people. I sung it at a school assembly. That's so timeless. Yeah, exactly. That's true. We forget. God, I sang that song so much in front of people.

I sung it at a school assembly. That's so good. Like solo or in a choir? Oh, definitely solo. Did you have an accompaniment? Great. Oh, like someone lent me their single copy of Strawberry Kisses and like went to put on the backing track version,

and then they're like, no, no, no, it sounds weird. We'll put it with the vocals. But me realising that it only sounds weird because the vocals are missing, which is what I would have provided. So you sang Strawberry Kisses over Strawberry Kisses? Yeah, it was a duet with Nikki Webster. So I thank you not to insult my friend. Were you doing harmonies?

Oh, no. So, wait, strawberry kisses are kisses that taste like strawberry. Is that the idea? That's fucking gross, man. I don't want to taste like food. I don't want to taste butthole. Yep, no checks. Right, but is it a sweetness in a more metaphorical sense?

Like, it's sweet as opposed to, like, it literally tastes like fucking Starburst, man. I take it as a metaphor because she's sweet on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also because you just don't taste really much when you kiss. No, well, you're kissing the wrong people. I only kiss women with mouths full of curry. But a chicken? No, it's my mastermind kisses single.

You know what you need to do. Go get some curry. I mean, when I was a child, I kissed somebody wearing an apron that said kiss the cook, and I've never really figured out how to do it other way. Anyway. Shut up a second later yeah so in the the light of the methane gas and the light of the torch you can see the the sigil so sorry it exploded yeah and now we're like yep cool uh resuming the thing well it's just I'm just telling you what you noticed. Your reaction is your own reaction.

I'm just telling you what you're seeing. Then you can feel free to fill in the reaction you're seeing. So the sigil that you now see is a section of the star map from before. Oh. Painted on the wall. Cool. Now feel free to react to the explosion.

My goodness gracious me. How are you still alive? I'm very hardy as well as being very sick. Thanks for that, by the way. That was great. You're welcome. Now we can tea. Small blessings.

Hey, who's got that map? Who pocketed that? I did. Shall we get it out and compare it to this thing-a? Yes. Maybe you should hold the torch. Okay, I will. Do you mind? Please, please. Thank you. I take the torch. What mysteries are written on the wall, and what lurks

deeper into the sewers? Find out next time on Trouble in Orwa, a D&D is for Nerds fifth ed adventure. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you'll find us at Sandspanceradio. Or you can find us individually.

I'm at All Dogs Are Dead. I'm at Retro Archetype. I'm at Goddammit Zammit. And I'm at Jackson B. Bailey. And if you want to hear our other shows, head to sanspenceradio.com, and you'll find all of our content there. There's heaps. And if you'd like to support us, head to sanspenceplus.com.

See you later, dickheads. Don't call them dickheads. Nah. Hey there, fellow adventurer. If you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content, we have just what you need to scratch that itch. D&D is for Nerds Plus, the symbol, not the word, where you can listen to select campaigns

that were once only available to Sandspans Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds

on your favorite podcast app of choice and join us on this epic quest of D&D podcast discovery.