D&D is For Nerds - Vampire Infested Barovia I #1 An Ocean Without Water

Episode Date: September 17, 2022

In horror Tiefany and Ser Hecktor the Beautiful watched. Unable to stop the strange otherworldly and inky black entity as it consumed Hecktor’s once childhood idol and Tiefany’s father, Ser Jordan Grace. Whatever foul rot lay within Fairburn Point seeped to its core and their only option was to flee. In the Capital a plan was hatched: Tiefany would go one way to gather the wealth of friends and family, and Hecktor would go another to find an army.You can follow Tieffany's story in Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chult or witness Ser Grace's downfall in Search for A'Helm.In this episode, Hecktor re-invents himself, gets saved by a chicken farmer and learns what a Direst Wolf is.Want ad-free and even more bonus content? Just check out the Imagination Adventures show page on Apple podcasts! Music by the ever wonderful Lepidora, you can check out her music here. And head to peddlerspress.store to peruse our D&D themed merch store and help support the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Though you may not see Vorta for miles around, you can consider yourself trapped. The mists that encircle us are like prison walls. And who is the warden of this prison, you ask? None other than the wonderful, the terrible, the powerful Baron Strahd von Zarovich. And the only way to leave this place

is to kill him or die. Pip, you can hear the snarling and the barks. You're not sure exactly what's happening, but you do also hear the screams of a person a a human being or a or a a humanoid of some sort you maybe sit bolt upright it's early morning you look out westward

towards the great fog wall that marks the edge that the the of Barovia, you can see several small figures in the distance. Quite a lot of them. It appears to be large canine or lupine creatures circling around a lone figure. Did I hear the howl first? Well, the howl wasn't meant for you is the trick. Okay. All right, I'll roll out of bed.

I will grab my crossbow from underneath a bunch of books. Okay. And as I pull it out, I imagine the books just cascade onto the floor. Then I will sit up in bed, maybe pull on a dressing gown, like a tatted, more like a robe, I guess. And I will step outside into the brisk, cold morning. Are they coming toward me? Or is it just like somebody is someone is being attacked how many wolves

five how do they seem like they're doing it's in the distance it's hard to tell from where you are I'll pull on like boots and then I'll tramp toward the sort of like oh wait do you mean the wolves or the person the wolves yeah you're too far to mean the wolves or the person? The wolves. The wolves, yeah.

You're too far to tell. Okay, yeah, yeah. Then I'll travel. The person is surrounded. Okay, okay. Fair, fair call, fair call, fair call. All right. Yeah, I'll sort of, with a sort of air of casualness, head toward the woods edge to be able to get a better look.

So, Hector the Beautiful. Yes. You are surrounded. Snarling forms on all sides and all directions around you there are five of these wolf-like creatures they don't seem to be so you

maybe have tried some of the classic wolf fighting tactics I think I've yelled if I manage to get anything maybe use some of my spells I know I have a searing uh smite does that cause the if i was to be able to like say grab a stick yeah would that cause it be on fire for a bit sure brandish brandish that yeah absolutely you're brandishing a flaming stick at them burning with a holy light the wolves don't seem to care. You keep shouting. Anytime one of them moves towards you, you keep yelling at them to stay back.

The wolves are slowly coming closer and closer. You don't know how much longer you have until one of them finally makes a strike. And when one of them makes a strike, you get the feeling that once blood is metaphorically in the water, you think you're about to be torn the fuck apart. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Do I think it's with an earshot? Yeah. Did you hear it howl before they attacked you or after they

attacked you? What? Before you saw them, sorry, or after you saw them? What? It's a simple question. Hector, you have been panicking. You've been chased for some time now. You've been running for at least the last hour from these things. You don't remember what happened an hour ago. I don't remember.

Maybe. They don't. Your stick. Is your stick on fire? Yeah, it's burning with a magical flame. Okay. And you're yelling. So they're probably diarist wolves.

Did you say diarist? No. What do the wolves look like? Do they seem big? Do they seem mean? Would they have, Adam, you might say, a clever brain? Well, they're absolutely working as a pack I mean, all wolves do work as a pack But you can see, beyond just trying to come at him from different angles You can see, maybe at one point, he brandishes the stick at one of the wolves.

And when he does that, another wolf waits until he's fully extended before darting in and snapping at his heels. You can see the wolves don't mean to fight this person. They mean to eviscerate them immediately. Okay, I will get down on one knee and thunk, thunk two crossbow bolts into the wolves. You fire and then quick load a second. It's a heavy crossbow, right? Yep.

It's got a winch, apparently. Wham, wham, wham, wham. The wolf that you struck, you see it glance back at you. It gives a howl and all of the wolves leave. Thank you. It gives a howl and all of the wolves leave. Thank you. That's fine.

As you approach, you realize the wolf you shot. You recognize it. I recognize it? Yeah, you recognize it. This is not your first encounter with diarist wolves. Is this wolf dead, though? No, no, no. You've hit this wolf. This wolf, you kind of remember this wolf to be the

ringleader okay for the diarist wolves in this section you can name them if you wish okay um i'll call this boris all right is it so boris isn't dead it's just so the arrow's going into it though yeah yeah you this is not as you but it's fleeing at the yeah you you recognize Boris because there are several other crossbow bolts from you in Boris. I'll turn to you. Stay there. And then I'm going to... Do I think I could hit it from here?

No, they move with incredible speed. All right, I'm going to move with speed to try and catch up with them, plug another bolt into it if I can. You fire... Well, yeah, you get your two shots again. Your first shot goes wide. Your second shot, in the early morning with the mist clinging to everything, the crossbow string goes too taut and then snaps.

Shit. Shit. I turn around and just start walking back to my house. Shit. Oh, no. Is my weapon wrecked? No, it's not wrecked. Oh, thank God.

I mean, like, it'll take a little while to restring it. But, Boris, here's your crossbow bolt break. The pack stops, turns around, and Boris, you know how direst wolves work. They're smarter than even a dire wolf. They know that you've just fucked your only means of defending yourself. Goddammit. You got a sword or whatever? While I was watching that, I might take some time just to heal myself.

Okay. Just with some healing hands. Sure. God damn it. Not currently. A man stole my horse. It's hurting. Fantastic.

Well, then come back with me to my house. I've got a mace in there somewhere. I'm going to start heading back. I'll run away again Your house is more of a Would you have had time to make a house? It's not really a house, it's more like a shack Alright, alright, alright

You both of you Well, Pip, you sprint back to the shack Hector, do you follow? Yeah, I want to be also Maybe barefoot in my Small clothes basically Not really Prepared to fight any wolf Like, I want to be also, like, maybe barefoot in my, like, small clothes, basically. Kind of, yeah.

Not really prepared to fight any wolves. That's funny, because I'm also in my long johns. Like, we're just both in our PJs. What a morning. What a morning indeed. All right. Well, you both sprint back to Pip's shack, who you don't know it's Pip's shack. You just know it's his shack. So it's like a little shack made of, like, maybe wooden logs that I've managed to cut down from the surrounding forest or whatever.

In front of that is a, there's like a chicken coop. There's also four planter boxes that I've managed to rig up. One of which has pumpkins in it. One of which has turnips in it. And let's say two of which I can't grow anything in it because this place is horrible. Sure. Yeah. The dirt will not take to plant.

It's a wonder I got the pumpkins and turnips. Yeah. Or is it? All right. As you approach the shack, you can see that there are claw marks all around the outside of the shack. Where the fuck is the mace?

Look for a mace, I say. You also see the coops and whatnot. You can see there are more than a, there's like a lot of blood around the chicken coop. It feels like, it feels like this place, it feels like the chicken coop is maybe perpetually under siege. Maybe take not a long look, but a quick squeeze in the chicken coop.

How many? Just to see what is there. There's one chicken in there. There's one chicken. All right. Okay, I start. Do you go to enter the shack? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I walk inside. Dyrus wolf. It means a dyrus wolf. What is a dyrus wolf? You know a dire wolf? You go to enter the shack? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I walk inside. Dire wolves. That means a dire wolf. What is a dire wolf? You know a dire wolf? Yeah, I guess I know what a dire wolf is. Imagine one that is more dire than a dire wolf. It's a dire wolf.

Help me look for the mates. I am. I'm saying this while I'm... So it's like... Right, okay. So it's kind of... I'll tell you what you need to do. If you know it's a dire wolf, you go to, maybe I open up my book.

Sure. Emmanuel de Monsters, Dark Places Edition. Maybe I even hand it to this stranger and I'm like, go to the entry for dire wolves. Then that will tell you to go to the entry for wolves. And then you'll be able to figure out a way to deal with it. Anyway, where's this mace? I am now flipping through the book, but also looking for a mace, because this man is confusing me. All right.

This book. What? The book, you get to the bestiary section. The bestiary section is, you see at the beginning in the introduction paragraph, it states that the bestiary section is arranged by monsters you are likely to encounter first. You're not sure by what metric that means. But in any case, wolves are the first entry. Okay, wolves, wolves, wolves, wolves, wolves, dire, direst. Yes, that's going to send you to the entry for wolves.

So just go to the entry for wolves. Ignore the direst wolves entry. Or even a dire wolf entry. Just go to the entry for wolves. Sorry. The direst of wolves may be known by their how. Should you consider or encounter the noise with which the wolf is known before the wolf itself, then consider thyself before the diarist of wolves.

From there, to ensure it is not simply a normal wolf impersonating a diarist wolf, one will need to wait until sighting said beast. Once this is the case, search the wolf for dire markings. Now, using my memory of being hounded by these hounds, can I make sure that, alright, it was they had an armoured snout and spiky hair maybe a clever brain. You don't know why they mention look for two? All of them had, well, clever brain, hard to tell.

But all of them had armoured snouts, spiky hair, mean and bloody eyes and were unusually big even for a dire wolf. He had all of them. Yes, yes, okay. I keep wolf. He had all of them. He had all of them. He had, yes, yes, okay. I keep reading.

That's it. Okay. Then it sent you to the entry for wolves, at which point you were shouting. That's why they attacked you. You were shouting, of course. Do I find the mace? Yeah, do we find the mace?

You find a mace, sure. All right, I'm going to open the door, step outside holding the mace. I should have put armor on. You go to wolves, comma, normal. It says, see dog. You jump to dog. Why did he say go to wolves?

I think he's going to go to dog. Often claimed to be man's best friend, this author has found the truth to be quite the opposite. And that is the entry for dog. That is, why did he say go to wolves? You wanted to look at the book, I say. So what is here for me? Emmanuel the monster has no best practices for how to deal with diarist wolves,

which is why Boris has been such a fucking pain in your side. There's no way to kill him except just filling him full of lead. And actually you're not 100% sure that's going to work. Is he attacking? Is he like... No, they're waiting. You know how they work. They're waiting outside. Do you have a spare weapon?

I have a dagger somewhere here, but we struggled to find the mace, so I wish you the best of luck. Unfortunately, there is the shack door, but all of the windows have been boarded up, and you can see that there are claw marks on the boards. He wants the chicken, I say.

That makes a level of sense. Oh, did you take the chicken inside, or is it He wants the chicken, I say. That makes a level of sense. Oh, did you take the chicken inside or is it outside? The chicken, Adam, can take care of itself. All right. Oh, no. I open the door. Is the chicken okay? You open the door and you get sideswiped by a fucking diarist.

A claw rakes itself across your chest. You take... Fuck me. 15 points of damage, and now you need to make a dexterity saving throw. I'm about to be... You're about to be dragged outside. God damn it.

You really should have known better. I hate this wolf. What is going on? I'm dragged away. I'm like, just stay inside. Yeah, all right. You managed to drag yourself back in. You slam the door shut.

Woo! They might, I say, get bored if we wait. Is your chicken going to be? My chicken will be fine. I sit down on my bed. You hear over the course of like the next ten minutes a little bit of sniffing and a little bit of scratching, but then

you hear one more howl and you know you've heard this howl before. Boris is signaling the pack to leave. Thought I had him for a second there. Thank you for your assistance. My name is Hector. You know what you're about to see when you go outside.

Your plants are going to be destroyed. Oh, god damn it. Thank you for your help. Yeah, that's fine. I'm Hector. Dragonsbane. Hector Dragonsbane. Hector, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm Pip. I'm going to open the door to check the damage. You open the door. What plants did you say you had growing? Turnips and pumpkins. All of the turnips have been dug up. The pumpkins have been smashed in. The chicken has been left alive.

I know. I bet you find this very funny, don't you? Ha ha! Yeah, ha ha. I'd like to go over and see what I can scrounge from the vegetable gardens. All right. Maybe I'll say it back to you. Maybe we can make a soup.

Put the fire on. I look around. Is there a place, like a makeshift stove? There'd be a little makeshift stove. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Confusingly, I guess. I just sort of, not the stove. I'm a bit, I guess, befuddled.

Just start grabbing, I guess, bits of, I guess there's firewood there to kind of chuck into the, and just, yeah, like just start going into making, lighting a stove. The turnips, I guess if you made them in, well, yeah, you're going to have to eat the turnips now. The pumpkin is gone. Turnip soup again, I'd say. Might have to crack an egg into it, I guess. Yeah, anyway, thank you for lighting the fire. Anytime.

You're welcome to share in the soup, I suppose. Yes, I would appreciate that. Maybe I'll look you up there for the first time. Where are your clothes? So this morning, or was it last night? No, this morning. Right, so as I was getting ready to pack up my camp, I had all my belongings packed onto my horse.

It started to wander away, and then the man I met before I came here, I saw him in the distance. He was a nod fellow. He didn't have much, like he had bare feet and kind of raggedy clothes. Your horse was walking away in Barovia, I say. This is Barovia? No, this is my house.

This, I'd like gesture all around, is Barovia. Nobody's given you the spiel? No, last night I was in, I believe, Jaron's outpost. And then a man suggested that I could find an army or something like that if I followed him. Right. And then, and I'm here now.

And I saw him as the horse wandered towards him. And then he laughed. And then he said to run. And then he turned into a wolf. Oh, probably druids then. Druids got your horse. And then he chased me. I ran. I flew away. But then I could still hear got your horse. And then he chased me. I ran.

I flew away. But then I could still hear some howling. So then I climbed. Flew away. I can do it maybe once a day. I climbed a tree and thought maybe that would be safe. But then the bats started to attack. And I was like, yeah, I know the bats.

Yes. And then, well, I tried to swipe them but i fell out and i think that might have alerted the um the wolves yeah and so then i've been running for i don't remember since when well uh i suppose i suppose some explanation as to what's happened to you would probably be helpful for you i imagine yes Normally some, like a horrible little hunchback or a seductive vampire-esque would probably give you this speech. But I suppose I can do it. Though you see no water for miles around you, you are, like me, nonetheless marooned. We are castaways in this terrible bad dream somebody decided to name Barovia.

To switch up the metaphor, we are imprisoned. I point to, like, the mist surrounding us, and the fog is the bars of our cell, and I point to the castle, which I assume is ever visible. Yeah, the castle is visible anywhere in Barovia. And our jailer is Baron von Strahd. Baron von... He's just a fellow.

And as far as I can tell, there's no way to escape, other than I look down at the soup possibly by dying maybe by being eaten by a wolf let's say you can see sure enough in the west the direction you came from there is a giant thick wooded forest and just above it you can see that there is a like basically a wall of fog the fog does kind of extend into here where you are, but it doesn't cling as hard and it's not as thick as it is there. It's like the fog literally blocks out sight. Like there's a view distance to the world. Okay.

And so I guess if you venture into the fog, you don't come out? What happens from my experience is you scream and I never see you again. So is the soup looking good? out? What happens from my experience is you scream and I never see you again. Is the soup looking good? Did you just chuck some turnips into water? Well, it's boiling. I wish I had salt. Can I, as I'm hearing this information, maybe start taking over making the soup? What are you going to do? Your ingredients are salt. No, water and turnip.

What more could you do? I start looking around to see if there is salt, pepper, like anything around. You search around and you find in jars and on plates, you find an odd assortment of ingredients. Pip, you begin the game with a vial of ankeg acid. Okay. Vial of ankeg acid. These would be as well meticulously labeled. Yeah, right.

With impeccable handwriting. You see, still beating a single diarist wolf heart. Yeah, Morris' mate. A little bowl filled with a translucent sticky substance, ectobloom. You've got two doses of that. No worries. And you see a jar filled with an ooze that seems to be kind of moving around in the jar. You get two doses of ooze sweat.

Oh, hell yeah. I can't imagine an ooze sweating. No. How did I collect it? My God. A eye that appears to be looking around the room. You get formian eye. Okay.

A jar of raven feathers. You get five doses of raven feather. Ravens are easy. They come by my house. I throw a rock at them, pluck the raven. We're all good. And then a bowl with some precious stones in it. You get one diamond.

Hell yeah. Two emeralds. And a ruby. It's like squeezing at them and just, those are your ingredients. What would you like to make? I don't suppose any of these are salt. Well, you tell me. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm a little bit lost.

I'm sorry, put me down the wooden spoon. I'm sorry, I'm just a bit distracted. I can imagine. Can I have a seat? I'm not the boss of the ground. I assume there was a chair or a bed or something I gestured to. Oh, yeah, there's probably steps maybe on the front. I assume there was a chair or a bed or something I gestured to. Oh. There's probably steps maybe on the front.

Sorry, I'm not the boss of the steps. Excuse me. Of course. Sorry. So it, well, what? So it trapped. Yes. And the jailer is, you said a vampire?

Yeah, some kind of vampire, I'm assuming. It's immensely powerful, I say. And he holds? Well, as far as I can tell, he's in charge and no one can leave. So no one's ever left? Not that I know of. You know that the Vistani can come and go willingly? That's right. Well,

there are a group of people here called the Vistani that Strahd seems to have some kind of deal with. They can come and go as they please. And can they bring in tech people? Yes, they do take people, I think. So this I guess this Druid fellow,

would he take me back? I don't think that's possible, right? Probably not. And he's probably eaten your horse, too. Sorry if it was a horse you cared about. That may or may not be true, but it is certainly what Pip believes. There's not many horses in Barovia. They're sort of a commodity, which makes it even more annoying that they eat them.

I'm going to go check I was hoping to get that. Coop for an egg. You search Pop's coop. How's it look? How's? Oh, actually two eggs, I guess. You find two eggs,

but Pop sits on them and you can see just from the look in Pop's eyes that this is going to be... Pop is not going to part with these eggs. They're not going to become anything. Pop. We're not having eggs.

We're not having eggs. I come back to you. You won't part with them. Yeah, yes. So this, the Vistani, they can bring us here. They can., they can bring us here. They can. But they cannot bring us back.

Yes. Well, I mean, they might be able to. Okay. I don't trust them. Fair enough. Who knows if they'd bring you back to where you came from or somewhere else. Good point. Maybe I'll start having this listing of maybe some of the places that I have been.

Do you know Kandor? Yes. I know Kandor. Okay. that I have been. Do you know Candle? Yes, I know Candle. Okay, so you're from us. How is Candle? It has seen better days, I think. Did you ever go down south to Fairbourn Point? Yes, I've been to Fairbourn Point. What was it like when you went there?

I wasn't there long. I don't know. Fine. Any other city. Another bullshit town. Right. It has come under a bit of level of corruption, shall we say. Oh, yeah.

It was why I was in Geron's outpost, actually. I was trying to… For an army. Yes, yes. A little bit young for a general. Yes. And unfortunately, I'm the only one who is… room general? Yes.

And unfortunately, I'm the only one who is... So, we went to search for a seer, a person who can predict the future event for the king. Sure. And we went there, and Hewan was possessed by some strange malevolent force.

And in freeing him, we unfortunately... You might know Sir Grace. Oh, yes. Killed those five adventurers in the battle with the necro wizard. Yeah, I know Sir Grace. So he unfortunately – in freeing the seer, he unfortunately got controlled by this Menevan force. Ooh-hoo. Yes, so me and his adoptive daughter, we escaped,

and she has gone on to try to maybe procure some funds for this, I guess. I'm sorry to see the futility of it all. You're going to struggle to find any help here. Well, I mean, forget it all, I suppose, because you're not going anywhere. I'd like to try the soup. Terrible as always. It tastes like dirt. Maybe a slight hint of wolf piss.

Not even nourishing, I'd say. I'd pour myself a bowl and then maybe I'd go back in the shack and get a shitty cracked porcelain bowl and pour some soup in for Hector. You're going to have to consume that quickly. It's leaking. Yeah, I drink hotly, I guess. You see, as I've been going around the country, I went back to my order and I bought information

that there seems to be a rather large evil down there, but they're too busy waging a war with... Something going on in Blue Beach and then across the way. It's been a while. I never really paid much attention to politics. Anywho,

the head of my order put me in charge and said, good luck. That's an unfortunate predicament. Do you intend to stay here with me? I look around. I don't look. I have only one bed.

I'm very sorry. Yes, Pip. I don't know where I am. Yes, I hear that. Well, might I give you some advice? Yes. You should head to a town called Velikai because they might want to listen to your story more than I do. Sorry, in your mind, is Velikai the nearest town because you've got Krezik closer than that?

Yeah, but you can't get into Krezik, can you? Or you just can't live there. I can't get into Krezik. I know I can't get into Krezik, Adam. To get into Krezik, they asked in exchange that you check in on some werewolves. Adam, I'd like to try and recall what... His stick looked like it was glowing with holy energy, yeah? It's the first time you've seen that in a while.

People typically lose contact with their deity once in Barovia. It's pretty devastating to clerics and paladins. You're a religious man, I say, like maybe cutting you off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your order is religious? Yes, the order of the cloth. You can do, fuck, what's the name of the magic that's God? Divine.

Divine magic, you mean? You have access to divine magic? Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, you are injured. Sorry, let me heal. Oh, no, not that. That's fine. I'm used to wolf bites.

You need a guide? I say. Yes. I can take you to Valica. I can take you to the front of Valica. I can take you inside, but I can take you to Valica. Can you help me with something? Look, you have, yes, you've helped me a lot. If we, so we can't,

I'm sorry, I'm coming to terms with, so we cannot leave. No. Have anybody, I guess, this Strahd fellow, have we anybody, I guess, he's not a person you can have a diplomatic relationship with? I would not recommend talking to him. And if he is out. Though you are capable of doing so, but I don't recommend it. And so he is our jailer, yes? Yes.

Does he have a prison? Yes. recommend it and so he is our jailer yes yes does he have a perhaps his prison uh yes i i believe that he is capable of i mean it is he who lets the vestani come and go so he he can let people out but he won't i understand that but i'm saying is he the key to a door that we can unlock or if if he's what i have or what i have heard is that if he is defeated, everyone can go. But it is something of a non-issue because he cannot be defeated. And I'm assuming many people have tried. Yes, many people. More powerful than yourself, I say, pointing to this 19-year-old child and his knickers.

Well, I think I'm 26, but – Pips around maybe 45, I think I'm 26, but... Pip's around maybe 45, I think. Usually I'm not. I imagine you're normally in clothes. Most people are. I was about to be like, argue, but I was robbed. But that, once again, doesn't really prove my point as prove Pip's point. You hear it first. You can hear the sounds of bells drumming and then eventually singing coming from somewhere slightly to the north of you.

You immediately know what this is. You know this is the Vistani procession that follows around Madame Eva. It's like a traveling group of Vistani. And then, Hector, I would say maybe a few moments later, you would also hear it. But Pip, you get to react to it first. I know, right, that the Vistani traveling procession kind of like seek out people brand new, newly in Barovia. Yeah. Like, like there's some element of they're like, well, we'll go chat the the newbies and they do the spiel yeah they do typically talk to newcomers or madam eva likes to see likes to encounter likes to meet newcomers do i think they'll be coming to my camp no they're following there's a road to the north okay that you know that they're following well yes i ignore it um all right he, you begin to hear it. It's background noise to me these days. Yes, I really appreciate a guide.

I'm very, I guess, new. I can take you anywhere but in the cities. Hang on. Sorry. That's a question you will have answered later in your life. The sound is the Vistani. They come by here. What time is it?

Like maybe 7 a.m.? There's no like regular sort of regular thing to it. They come by in the morning when I'm trying to sleep, almost always. So they're not the ones. A druid brought me. Yeah, a druid seems like a druid brought you in or tricked you in or something. Right, so the Vistani are the locals. They are the other group.

They can come and go as they please. That'll be the procession following Madam Eva It's her whole thing Don't bother yourself with it Madam Eva Ask a lot of questions I'm so sorry Sir Hector, Dragon's Bane

Yes, I killed a dragon once Good for you I want to be very proud of that Wonderful to hear That's very funny because you're speaking to a dragonborn. Here at D&D is for Nerds, we play so much goddamn D&D that we can't contain it all to one RSS feed, or even two, now that we've got the new adventures of the Greyhawk Free Company.

There are actually a whole bunch of adventures you've probably never heard of that are available to download at sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop right this second ranging from multiple gnomes miss specials i.e christmas specials merchant of great births and even a bunch of beyond the map stories from our other podcasts so head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop right now and you can download them today uh madame ever is a seer a fortune teller she can um see the future or or see the past i don't she's going to give you i go into my shack i open a drawer i pull out a bunch of taraka cards yeah like a bunch yeah and then i go back and i just drop them in front of hector's

lap hector you see pip drops in front of you a bunch of they look basically so that you know what you're looking at here they look like tarot cards but they're not tarot cards he just smatters the cards in front of you and you see some cards some someone's like raven feather mirror the skull the saint the sun the fall there are many more in addition to, but those are just the ones that stick out most prominently. All of the cards, as they hit the table, it feels like you must have imagined it, but it looks like they moved just very briefly,

but then they're just still. She'll give you a bunch of these and a bunch of things to do, and none of the things are doable. It's a scam, I say. Oh, okay. Maybe I'll throw some of them on the fire. Hector, you can see the pip is quite clearly like he's got a bone to pick. You don't know if you should trust his opinion on Madame Eva specifically.

He seems unnaturally mad about it. Okay. But you can do divine magic. So there's a favor I need you to help me with before I take you wherever it is you want to go. Of course. I would love to be able to pay you back for this delicious soup

and saving me from the diarist. Yes, the diarist. Diarist. Diarist rules. Diarist rules, yes. Do I have any armor for this guy? If you do not have armor, it is fine. Do you have armor?

I got leather armor. You probably, well, I would allow you, if you wanted to, to give a justification why you would have a second set of armor here. I probably wouldn't. Okay. If you don't have any, that is fine. If you have spare clothes. I'll have some spare clothes. I probably have my clothes from when I'm working in the garden. Sure.

You get some dirt-covered threadbare clothes. It's not going to keep you warm, but it will keep you modest. That is something. Thank you very much. Krezic's problem. Where is it? Where are these wolves? Alright, so you get to the...

Let's do a little questionnaire. You get to the walls of Krezik. You ask for entry. They say no, but they ask you, are you Pip Mandarin? You say yes. They ask you, would you, in exchange for entry, help us

with a werewolf problem what do you say yes of course all right so you would have like done some actual work into this yeah i think all right well then you would know that the werewolves uh you know what i would probably give you that you tracked the werewolves down to their cave you know where they live but you also know that the werewolf pack is large and probably too big for you to handle on your own yeah and also with not having divine magic i imagine like looking through my emmanuel de monce's dark place edition every time it's like divine magic willeth defeat this creature yeah there'll be like a little note where i'm like god

fucking damn divine magic again just find find a priest, question mark, question mark. Yeah. Hmm. God. Look, if – so what is the problem exactly? Okay. You – knight? Yes.

Right. Yes, I am. Have you ever fought a werewolf before? I don't know if I've fought a werewolf, but I have fought a werebear and a wererat. Well, it's largely the same. So there's just a small, insignificant werewolf problem that needs to be dealt with. Once that's taken care of, I'll take you wherever you need to go, really, is my thinking. Sure.

I'm not a werewolf, can't be too many. Honestly, even just a simple even telling me where it is I need to go, it would be nice. Yeah, I think I'm better. Well, maybe like I put a hand on your shoulder. You're, you know, hope is not all lost. You're in quite good shape. They always need people to hunt and skin wolves.

It gets very cold here, so I'm sure you could make a fine living doing that. Right. The sounds that you can hear of the Vistani wagons are getting louder. You know that that's just them following the road. You don't think they're coming towards you? You just know that it's going to get louder before it gets quiet. We don't want to speak to them, do we? Well, you can do what you like. Right, I'm just

I need a... I will need your help, but I've got to prepare some things. You need to go and speak to them. Do they have any perhaps, do they sell things? I try not to interact with them, Hector. You know that the Vistani are one of the only methods that the few traders

within Barovia, it's one of the only methods that any, the few traders within Barovia, it's one of the only methods they have of getting outside objects. Then I'm like, well, and maybe I go back into the shack and I pull out a little bag and I tip it out and I'm like, those are strawberry seeds, but they've never grown. So they do sell things from outside, mist, but as to what quality they are, God, I would kill for a strawberry. Okay, thank you. Can I, what do I actually have on me? quality they are. God, I would kill for a straw brick. Okay. Thank you. What do I actually have on me? So I imagine

as I was packing up my horse, a lot of the stuff was either on the ground about to be put on said horse or either already kind of packed away. Do I have like, would I have to say, like a belt with a little bit of coin that I would have grabbed or would I have had like maybe a knife? Well, I would say it's very reasonable for you to have your money with you

because, of course, you're not. Why would you take your belt off and put that on the horse? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, a money pouch, absolutely. Aside from that, you can look at your inventory and pick three things. Okay, okay. Sword, armor, god. How much?

My Glock 19. Aside from armor and sword, armor, god. How much? My block 19. Aside from armor and sword, pick three things. How much gold would I have had? You got five coins. Sick. Five golden sovereigns. All right, all right, all right. Amulet.

All right, a holy symbol. Yep, yep, yep. Let's say water skin. All right. Useful. Yeah. It's thirsty black. Let's say Water skin Alright Useful Yeah Let's see An arms box A blanket

A candle Or a tinder box Or a block of incense Wow Block of incense Yeah That'd be the one I get You were just briefly

Stopping to give it a smell Yeah God that smells good Ah come on now God damn it Could also include like a Oh no my backpack's gone I'm like it's a sack

But no I need to get a sack Okay um Well It's funny that you're holding the block of incense Block of incense in one hand Stick in the other Stick in the other

It's funny I'm around like a water skin Just tucked into my Water skin under arm Yeah yeah yeah It's like hand stick in the other am around it like a water skin just tucked into my skin under arm yeah yeah yeah it's like seeing some wolves being like okay quickly grab

do I grab my javelin no the incense oh they're coming I must grab it oh don't you know if wolves get to that it can get all sneezy it's not good for them

right well if you're if you're if you don't you know, if wolves get to that, they get all sneezy. It's not good for them. Right, well, if you don't mind, I might go and see if they have some, perhaps even some clothes or something. You are your own person, Hector. Do what you like. Oh, yes, sorry. But I do want to help you with your… Of course, I expect you back here. Yes. I'll be back as long as it takes.

I'm going to try and get these eggs off, Pop. Yes. Where is the... I can hear it, can't I? Yeah, you can hear it. You stick your head out for the thing and you can see them. Do I know, maybe, is growing up in sort of Cando, I would assume, dealing with the farm life,

the coming from a farmer's life at some point, would I know any tricks to be like, this is how you deal with an unruly chicken? Like my own, like a manual, the monster farm edition. It's just farm animal. Not really, unfortunately. Like you have experienced in the past, like a hen that maybe gets particularly, hens when they get particularly like roosty, clucky or whatever, they might like peck at you if you try to get the eggs.

This is something different. This chicken seems to be ready to kill. I want to look at me. When I was younger, I remember my sister would often try to trick one of our chickens by giving a rock the size roughly of an egg and kind of switching it out that way. But you're… Yeah, you've tried that before. It doesn't work. Maybe I would pick up a rock and be like, be my guest.

Okay. Can I… Is Pop the chicken animostic towards me, or is it just Pip? Pop the chicken appears to be aware that if it surrenders its eggs, they are inevitably going to end in Pip's hands, and it refuses to allow that to happen. Okay, I did that. I just, I don't then.

Good luck. Thank you. I'll need it. And I'll take my five gold and my strawberry seeds and see what I can barter with. Hustle up. You head up to the wagon. As you approach, you can see the lead Vistani on the lead wagon pulls at the horse's reins. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who do we have here? Nice to meet you. My name is Hector Dragonsbane. Hector, Hector, a pleasure whoa, whoa. Who do we have here? Nice to meet you. My name is Hector Dragonsbane. Hector, Hector, a pleasure to meet you. Please, he gestures. Come, come, come. They, all of the wagons, the entire procession, there's four wagons total.

All of them pull to the side of the road and a bunch, maybe like 12 total Vistani hop out. All of them are dressed very colorfully. All of them have like deep blues, deep reds, yellows, greens, all sorts. It's a very like loud hodgepodge of colorings among them. And you can see that they are all, each one of them has a different musical instrument. Most of them are bells and drums, but there's also a lute, a lyre, and someone's playing a pan flute. They, the majority of these 12 Vistani, keep playing.

They're just vibing as well. There's no particular song that they're playing. It's not a discordant harmony, but you can tell that two or three different songs are happening right now. I try to make me pay attention to all three songs at once almost. harmony but you can tell that like two or three different songs are happening right now i i try to make me pay attention to all three songs at once almost like you can tell there's like a waft of rum and wine among here as well you can tell that they're they're partying they're having a good time would they would they be is it so it's a procession a procession of like uh do they have horses in like they have horses i Maybe he's like, oh, I thought

horses were rare here. What do you mean by this? A friend of mine, he said horses were rare in He's like handing you a goblet of wine. I grab it. I would say that they are no more

rare here than anywhere else we have been. Okay. Thank you. Please, drink up. They give you some bread as well. It's warm. They are also eating and drinking. Yeah, they're also eating and drinking.

Do I need to be suspicious here? That's up to you. I know Pip just said that they don't trust them, but also he said that the horses got, like, are rare as hen's teeth, basically. I mean, there are horses here. They have eight in total, two to a wagon okay alright, and he was bitter wasn't he? He did seem quite upset

oh yeah yeah I just drink a bit it would be rude to cast I'm just going to really quickly purify these just in case I want to be polite yes thank you so much

it is custom over bread and drink the first time you meet someone for our people it is custom to tell a story would you like to tell us a story alright what type of story would you

like to hear? Maybe one of the younger Vistani lowers the pan flute from her mouth and calls out, heroics! And all of them give like a little cheer. All right. Then once upon a time... The music dies down and it begins to like, the music is following

your story. Once upon a time there was a great knight, and he was given a quest of utmost importance to try to go down to a mysterious castle where there was not one, not two, but three fearsome dragons that guarded a treasure. And so the brave, brave knight went down there and i think that's like you know peppering it with like the trials and tribulations of uh what was going on as he traveled down he met oh he met someone he called himself the leper king and then like go on to that adventure there and then oh would you believe he saw just a young fair maiden in a stream fishing and asked, what are you fishing for? And it was not fish, you believe. It was actually, she was fishing for her father's boot.

Now, I know what you're thinking, a boot, that is crazy. But no, no, no, no, no. The boot had magical properties. The boots allowed somebody to fly. And I'm going to keep going with the story. And then basically all culminate in the young adventurer, the hero of this story, donning those boots,

flying up and slaying not one, not two, not even three, but the fourth hidden dragon of this here castle. And finally getting the treasure. And the treasure of course was the old man's second boot the music uh yeah as you're as you're finishing your story the music begins to swell louder and louder uh kind of building tension and coming to a crescendo you feel like

without the music your story may not have been you're maybe you know you've told many stories before but you have not told this story very often. And so it's kind of like your first time going at it. And man, having a backing track helps. Useful. So useful. You get a good boy card. Oh, my freaking God.

Slop them out, Adam. Here's your sloppy cards. Thank you. For a good boy card. Ignore some damage. Nice. Excellent. When you're finished, your tail, the Vistani who you've been talking to,

I assume the tail took maybe 10, 15 minutes or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you doing? Are you pulling them in? Are you finding maybe what they're listening to, what they're like, and you kind of build it up to a bit of a, a bit of a, like, oh, I was good, and a're like, woo! And you kind of like, you know, build it up to a bit of a, bit of a like, oh, I was good, and a bit of a laugh, and a bit of a, and then

you know, went back to the young fair maiden and gave them back her father's both of his shoes, and then she brought him off to meet the father in question, and they, you know, they lived happily ever after, and they ended with a delicious feast of nothing but warm bread and wine.

There's like a little, like the music comes to a crescendo. There's a little bit of a cheer and the Vistani who have hands free. Thank you, thank you, thank you. The old Vistana who you've been speaking to and who offered you the food and wine turns to the group and you can see there's kind of like a smile all among them. They know the tale that he's about to tell. And he begins, a mighty wizard came to this land over a year ago.

I remember him like it was yesterday. He stood exactly where you are standing right now. And he gestures to you, Hector. A very charismatic man he was. I thought he could rally the people of Barovia against the devil's thrard. He stirred them with thoughts of revolt and bore them to the main castle en masse. When the vampire appeared, the vizier's peasant army fled in terror, for they had no general. A viz wizard may inspire troops, but a general commands them.

The general... All of the Vistana have like a little bit of a smirk among themselves. Well, anyway. A few stood their ground and were never seen again. The wizard and the vampire cast spells at each other. Their battle flew from the courtyards of Ravenloft to the precipice overlooking the falls. I saw the battle with my own eyes. Thunder shook the mountainside, and great rocks tumbled down upon the wizard.

Yet by his magic he survived. Lightning from the heavens struck the wizard, and again he stood his ground. But when the devil's stride fell upon him, the wizard's magic could not save him. I saw him thrown a thousand feet to his death. As he tumbled, the wizard cried out the name of the general who had forsaken him. Mandarin! Mandarin! forsaken him.

Mandarin! All of the Vistani give like a Mandarin. Do I get the sense this wasn't an embellished story? This wasn't like a made up tale? This is just like, well, maybe a little bit embellished, but I get that

it's quite forewarned. This Vistana is obviously a bit of a showman. And you can tell parts of the story, he's kind of like zhooting up and he's making them more interesting than they might have realistically been. Okay. But you think that there is more than a kernel of truth to this story. And you believe him when he says he was there. Sorry, the... You said...

Sorry, the devil Strahd. I thought the Vistani worked for Strahd. Is that my understanding? The Vistani stands up. Sorry, I'm... We are a complicated people. Madam Eva. Oh, oh, Madam Eva, I've heard of you.

She would wish to see you now. Oh. Please, come with me. She wishes to greet all the new adventurers who come to these lands. I follow them in. As you're walking past this group towards the rear carriage, you can, wagon, sorry, as you're walking towards the rear wagon, you can see all the Vistani,

all of their faces have gotten like a little bit darker, and you can see that there is worry in their faces. Okay. That's interesting. I'll just maybe just note that in my noodle. maybe glancing maybe looking at someone like uh the kids what are they or they also just like there are no children in this wagon there are some younger like probably mid to late teens vistani here and sorry what what did you want are they also like looking that sort of dark they do look worried, yeah.

Obviously, the face of a teenager is a little bit easier to read than perhaps the face of an adult. And you can see that they're worried. They're looking at you with worry, not worried about something that you might do, but something that might happen to you. Okay. That's worrying. That is worrying.

Am I? Yeah, this is the person leaving me. Did I get their name, by the way? No, you didn't. Oh. Well, at some point I would have liked to have gotten their name. Not now, but prior, because that just seems rude. All right.

His name is Jackson Bailey. Okay, Jackson Bailey. Sorry, Mr. Bailey. Everyone seems a bit dour. I fear this will be the most pleasant part of your stay in barovia yeah i in i encourage you he gestures to your goblet which if any at any point if you empty that goblet they fill it right back up i encourage you to eat drink and be merry while you can he opens with with that, he opens the door

and you see into the rear wagon. Good words to live by. Magic flames cast a reddish glow over the interior of this wagon, revealing a low table covered in black velvet cloth. Glints of light seem to flash from a crystal ball on the table

as a hunched figure peers into its depths. As the crone speaks, her voice crackles like dry weeds. At last, you have arrived. Cackling laughter bursts like mad lightning from her withered lips. Nice to meet you too, Madam Eva, I presume? Yes, you are Hector the Beautiful. Dragons, dragons, Bane, but yeah, yes, yes.

She gestures to there is a seat already on the other side of the table from her. I'll sit down. Pip, how are you getting this fucking egg? Is there anything I know, Pop Heights? like any smells he doesn't like loud noises tend to drive him off okay but loud noises you know this is you know it's a bad place for loud noises yeah not only that but also you know that if you force the eggs now pop Pop is going to make you pay for it later. Pop, I say. Maybe I'm like resting on the chicken coop looking in. Pop, after we, me and the boy, deal with the werewolves, this relationship will end.

Because I'll be living in Krasik. I'll let you go in the woods. You can do what you like. Let's make these last moments pleasant, at least. Pop lunges at the... Not to, obviously, Pop knows that they're not going to get to you, but they do it just to... You can tell they do it just to scare you.

What are you going to do with the eggs? Eventually, you're just going to stand on them. That's what always happens. Yeah, oh, Pop. They start scratching at the ground. How did I get a chicken like you, Pop? I say. Maybe I go to the side of the shack and I get a rake

and I turn the rake around so I'm to the side of the shack and I get a rake. And I turn the rake around so I'm using the wooden end. And I just gently press it into Pop and try to shift him off. Okay. Come on. Pop is not happy about it. Pop is trying to struggle, like, darting left and right. But you're able to force Pop off the eggs and then grab the eggs. Okay.

All right. You're going to deal with that for the next hour. You know, this is why you are such an idiot, Pop, because you're going to bark, you're going to cluck and cluck and cluck, and then who's going to be alerted to it? A wolf or Boris or some other horrible thing? And then, I mean, nothing matters to you.

All the blood around you, you're fine. But I've got to deal with it. Look at this wolf bite, Pop. Pip, you know that blood is any time one of the wolves has come close. That is wolf blood. God damn it. God damn it.

Well, I've got the eggs now. Pop is the only thing the wolves will not go for. All right, I go. I'm not even going to eat the eggs. That was just a matter of principle. I go and I put them somewhere in my house. I might have them later, but I'm not going to eat them now. And then I'd like to concoct an

alchemical potion. Sure, yeah, absolutely. Sorry, no, an adhesive for my arrows. Alright. And I'd like to fix my bow. Alright, if you concoct an adhesive for your arrows, you get five, well, any adhesive you get for a, that you apply to a weapon you get five uses out. Oh cool. Alright so I'm using one

raven feather some ankeg acid and a an emerald Oh well if you use an emerald then you're creating a grenade. Oh I see alright well then I'll just use a raven. Oh I see Now you can always use water as a third ingredient

obviously that waters down whatever you're making. Potency. Yeah, water's down the potency, but it does mean that you can make something out of just two ingredients. All right, I'll use water. I'll use water. And I'm just going to make an accurate radiant weapon oil, basically. You get something that will create a radiant effect

and also increase your accuracy. I'll slot it into, like like maybe I get a little pouch on my belt or whatever attached to my leather armor. Mark off that you've used them? Yep, I already have. And then I'll get to fixing my crossbow. Meanwhile, you have come here for a reason. Yes,

I was to, um, I was I was like promise, but that's the wrong word now that I'm thinking about it, but a A lie. Yes. perhaps is the correct one. A druid mentioned that there perhaps was an army here where he was taking me, I guess into Barovia. The druids of this land cannot be trusted. Yes, I understand they eat horses. But one does not need to see the future to know that.

I know I'm an idiot, Madame. I'm a robin idiot. You have come here. You are here for a purpose. You think yourself searching for an army, but that is not your purpose here. Over the years, our beautiful and talented artist Nathan Davis has created stellar artwork far greater than the utter bullshit it's been associated with. And for 10 years, we've been occasionally badgered with comments like,

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