D&D is For Nerds - Vampire Infested Barovia I #13 The Old Svalich Road

Episode Date: December 10, 2022

The party are ambushed by direst wolves almost immediately and give Boris a memory he will never forget. Pip deals with a legless zombie while Hecktor has some issues.Want ad-free and even more bonus content? Just check out the Imagination Adventures show page on Apple podcasts! Music by the ever wonderful Lepidora, you can check out her music here. And head to peddlerspress.store to peruse our D&D themed merch store and help support the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem, ahem. You're listening to the Sans Pants Network. Although you see no water for miles around, fool, they've heard this before. Quiet, you dolt. A Wizard Supreme has many things to tell about this nightmare Barovia. Ha ha ha ha ha! Wizard Supreme? In this place, your pointless titles mean nothing! For the only way to escape is to slay Strahd in the manner of a true warrior! Or die in the attempt!

Has everybody decided to eat Grugog's delicatessen rations? Well, Agogash and Lushen have no issue with this. Agogash, if anything, this is probably not strong enough for him. Yeah, fair enough. So he's not even going to get drunk. Esmeralda picks up a vodka-infused sausage, gives it a sniff, then puts it back down on the top it was lying on. and she takes out from within one of her cloaks she takes out a little metal box

sits down on the floor, opens it up and starts stabbing at a rice and chicken dish that she has Yeah, we still had a bunch of stuff Yeah, you still got plenty of supplies So yeah, we don't need to go and like say hunt for something or whatever

We need to be like, oh, if I'm like, hey, go Gash let's go and hunt some or that's gonna like slow us all down it would take some time yeah it would probably be more time prudent if you were to just

eat the rations that you've been given I'll uh I'll um I'll have some of the Krezic food yeah it's

it's infinitely better yeah uh I go eventually like a dog Gorob snimmels the food and the sausage Esmeralda dropped is half in his mouth before he's woken up and has begun eating properly.

I'm so glad to put these guys in our rearview mirror. He wouldn't believe. That's going to be really nice. put these guys in our rearview mirror. He wouldn't believe. That's going to be really nice. As he eats, Lushen is

flipping through a spell book and appears to be memorizing some spells. Anybody seen, I guess a hunk of bread and maybe a bit of cheese. Anybody seen Piran? Everyone kind of shrugs.

Esmeralda looks at you, Hector, and says he left in the night, said he wanted to do a, she shrugs, reconnaissance of sorts. Right. And he's going to meet up with you later, I assume? I do not know his plans. I assumed so. As you're eating breakfast, Pierron shows up. The door opens, Pierron steps in. He closes the door, looks around, sees everyone eating on the bottom floor, and you can see he looks around.

The bottom floor is by far the dirtiest of all the rooms. So you can see that he takes that in, and he has like a little expression like, okay. And then he takes some of the Krezik food. Yeah, like here's the Krezik. I would offer Krezik. There's some stuff here, but I just shake my head. Would anyone like to join me upstairs at a table? I would love to, yes.

I've already eaten, so good. All right. It's become outright hostility. Okay. Okay, cool. Piran, Hector, you and Piran go upstairs. Maybe Esmeralda joins you, actually, and the three of you eat at the table upstairs. Well, it's a desk, but you clear away some space and you eat at a table.

All right. Maybe ask Piran where he was up to. If he found anything interesting, blah, blah, blah. Just kind of chat and shop while we eat some delicious breakfast. Piran leans in darkly and says, I found tracks in the mud around the lake inside the tower. Human beast? Beast.

Wolven, I would assume. Though I'm not an expert hunter. Big? Big, yes. Dire or diarist? Well, that's not for me to say. It's so funny. Diarist? I'm accepted, diarist. That's great.

Just around the perimeter, how close did they come? It looked like they may be, once again, I'm not a tracker, but it looked like they could have come for water. It is a lake, after all. It's not shocking to see animal tracks. But I just would... Well, I'll probably alert Gorub and Lushen. But I think it would be...

I just thought it would be prudent to let all groups separating be aware that there are wolves of a sort in the area. Is it going to be on the way to where we leave? Like, we'll see the tracks? You could... Well, Piran considers it for a second and says um well there are my understanding he looks at esmeralda and esmeralda nods assenting that everything pyrrhon is saying is true there are two directions you could take

from here you could track uh to the east immediately along this dirt path, which will take you in the direction of Valachai, Esmeralda nods. Or alternatively, you could head west. It will be a slight detour, but you'll hit a proper road and then similarly still be able to get to Valachai along the proper road. If you do that, it is slightly

out of your way, but it will not take you in the direction that I saw the tracks. I just want to give it's worth having Esmeralda or a Gogash or Pip looking at the tracks. Perhaps. All right. Well, thank you very much. Anything else?

No, I didn't see anything else of interest. I did notice that the lake is uncharacteristically calm. I don't know. He looks at Esmeralda. If you're practiced, I might know anything about that. Esmeralda shakes her head. It don't know. He looks at Esmeralda. If your practiced eye might know anything about that. Esmeralda shakes her head. It is not usual, but it is nothing

that I have ever heard of for a dark entity. Right. Oh, something in the lake. Well, I guess Pip is the expert here in terms of the location. I'll see if going west or Pip is the expert here in terms of the location. I'll see if going west or east is the best to avoid any dangers.

You all head back downstairs. Everyone regroups at the bottom. A parent found some wolf tracks outside. Okay. Well, now that we're splitting up, we should probably be aware that there's at least a pack of wolves. They look rather large, yes? Or at least not... Diarist.

Diarist, regular? Well, I wouldn't know. I'll go have a look. Not my area of expertise. Wolves in Barovia. Water's wet. I'll step outside and go by myself to go look at the tracks.

Okay. Maybe I'll grab Chaucer as I go. All right, Perrin gives you a general area where you can search. No worries. Have I fucked that up again? In an hour, you are unable to find the tracks.

Why am I so bad at tracking? Would you go back? No. I'm embarrassed. Alright, you find the tracks. How long does loading up I guess a wagon I guess a wagon

for a go-gash to pull and i guess making sure that orion is all sorted and everything for i guess esmeralda i feel like an hour would it take an hour i feel like it's possible that i feel like it's possible that it could take longer than an hour okay cool cool cool cool yeah okay that's, yeah, yeah. We're not waiting on you. We're just like, we're too excited. He is taking his time, but we're not waiting for him. Well, you wouldn't immediately. Yeah.

Obviously, Pirenzi and the others have seen these tracks. You've got to finish your breakfast and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As far as any of the other trackers, a go-gash and Esmeralda are aware, perhaps there's something that warrants longer than an hour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At what point do you think we would have gotten worried and sent a go-gash? Yeah, I know. While this is happening, before you begin packing everything up, a go-gash stands out at the Mirakam

Lake Baratok, and you see hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, as he goes through his calisthenics routine. That rolls. You can see little like peeling little ripples through the lake as he jumps up and down

oh yeah if there's nothing to do I'll like yeah stare at the lake I guess and just have a have a nice think Pip you find the tracks eventually they're by the water's edge you should have checked there first I'm dumb as fuck I guess

you find the tracks. They are quite big, but unfortunately they've been muddied. There are several different sets of tracks and from several different animals. You can see wolf prints, but it's so muddied here that it's hard to tell if they're regular. Well, you know they're not regular. They're dire or direst at the very least because they're definitely too big to be regular. But you could not tell numbers or dire versus diarest. You could only tell that there is quite a few of them, perhaps a whole pack, and they're not regular wolves.

Shock of the century, Chaucer. There have been wolves. I don't know what else they wanted me to find. There's plenty of wolves in Brovia. This is almost not notable. I scoop Chaucer up and maybe like glance around, see if there's anything else I can see

in the immediate area. But if not, I'll just head back to the tower. As you're walking back, you can see that there is just in the forest at the... So you've gone across the bridge to get back to kind of the mainland, if you will. So as you're walking back towards the bridge, just a bit before the bridge and before you leave the forest and come into the open area just before the water, you can see in the mud here, there is a cauldron, a cooking pot. You recognize it. It is your cooking pot from your camp. I maybe dropped Chaucer into the mud. Whoa! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,

sorry. How big is my cooking pot? It's probably not big. Okay, so it's kind of like almost the size of a mixing bowl. Yeah, like a big mixing bowl, basically. I hike up my pants and get down on my knees and have a look at it. You approach it, you can see there's something inside it. Oh no, this is going to be bad. This is going to be bad. I glance up at the tower to see if anyone's watching.

No one can see you. You're still inside the tree line, so it would be very difficult to be spotted. All right. I'll investigate the cooking pot. Inside, there is a bit of straw and six eggs. Well, that's confusing. That's very confusing. Is there any blood?

No blood. Pick up the cooking pot. Underneath the cooking pot, there is a single massive paw print pushed into the mud. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. I mean, I guess I haven't been this far away from my house in a very long time, and I don't really know Boris's tramping kind of area, so I don't really know if this is outside it, but it clearly means he knows where I am.

How did he get these eggs? Oh, Pop's okay. Pop's fine. Why am I concerned? Without any noise, without a single howl or anything, you hear Chaucer call out, Oh no!

And then something big hits you from behind. Oh my God, he's too fucking clever. I hate this wolf. All right. Oh my god, he's too fucking clever. I hate this wolf. Alright. I got full on... I fell into Boris's trap. Big time. Like an idiot. I was like, what's this out of place thing?

Let's go stand on it. It's like, we didn't even ask you. You were salty and were like, maybe I'll have a look at it. Why are these idiots asking me? We didn't ask you. You didn't say anything stupid goddamn dragon piece of shit pip you take 10 points of damage and you need to make a strength saving throw okey doke all right you're still standing turn around, and now you hear the growling. A massive wolf with a ridged spine, a hardened snout, and awful fanged claws is standing behind you.

It growls deeply. Let's go to initiative. All right. It goes first. Yeah, good. It darts towards your leg, and it bites you on the leg. You take another 10 points of damage. Okay.

Awesome. Awesome. Good stuff. And then you need to make a strength-saving throw. You are on your back, Pip Mandarin. It's your turn. I would like to Innovating Breath the wolf. Nice.

The wolf turns its face away from you and you can see that on purpose it breathed out as you bathed it in gas that's one attack though I get two I can use a flame attack on my second attack I think it's an action I'm not sure maybe you're right maybe it is

you know what I'll say you can make a follow up it's fine okay I'm gonna try again then maybe I clamp my jaws onto its face all right you grab it as it turns around and it's gonna snap at you you grab its jaws nice try you stick your snout into its snout and you breathe down its throat the the wolf makes like a weird whiny noise and jerks a little bit and at about this time everyone on the island gets a check uh-oh i can't fucking believe this a go gash is maybe doing his calisthenics esmeralda and and Hector, you are both maybe preparing Orion. Maybe you found like a saddle and you're putting a saddle on Orion.

Gorob is just chewing his own knuckles. Lushen looks down the bridge and says, hang on a minute. Did you hear that? Hear what? Sounded like a wolf breathing in a gas breathing in a gas how long has it how long has it been it's been over an hour my eyes go wide yeah hector you and esmeralda lock eyes and all of you start sprinting across the bridge i I'll wing up. As you're sprinting across the bridge,

you see on the other side of the bridge, a pack of wolves begins to slowly fan out onto the bridge, stopping you from passing. Alrighty. Pip, it's your turn with the wolf. Okay. The wolf, you're so lucky. The wolf is trying to savage you,

and because you have weakened it, as it tries to snap at you, you bring up one of your arms. This arm has greaves upon it. The wolf, its fangs sink into the greaves, and then it starts shaking you from side to side, but it's unable to pierce your armor, and it's unable...

Your arm jerks in painful motions, but it doesn't dislocate or break anything. Cool. Good to hear. It's your turn. I'd like to defensive shot it, so hit it with my crossbow. You're kind of prone.

All right, I will allow it, but it's a disadvantage because not only are you in melee range, which I know you normally ignore. Yeah, but I'm prone. I'm on my back. You're lying on your back, and it's on top of you.

You stagger and struggle and try to bring the crossbow to bear, but twang, it fires just past the wolf. You could try loading and firing again. I will. Maybe with my teeth. Unfortunately, no. You fire

and miss twice. Hector, it's your turn with the rest of the group. Right. Hovering above them, I just see the wolves. Yeah. Do I see Pip? No, you can't see Pip yet. You handle the wolves.

I will look for Pip. I basically dash over the wolves. You look down, and you can see one of the wolves has a couple of spears stuck into it and several of pip's bolts it has like one scarred eye and as it soars over you you can see hector you see it stares right at you and you don't like the way it's looking at you you feel like you've never looked into the eyes of a wolf and been like i don't think i'm gonna be able to pull this trick off a second time. But you feel that today.

I've made a very powerful enemy. Boris, staring at you, will remember this. Thank God. Alright, you land on the other side. You have cleared the wolves. Esmeralda, as you left, Esmeralda gives you a determined nod.

You feel confident that this group can maybe not necessarily beat these wolves, but certainly are going to be able to hold them off or keep them distracted while you look for Pep. Yep. All right. You land on the other side, look around,

and almost immediately you can see just, all you see is the wolf, but you can see it's kind of like throwing itself around and thrashing in the mud just in the tree line, and you, like where else could Pip be right now? Actually, maybe you could see Chaucer still spinning as he was knocked

aside. I don't think I'll land, I just want to keep flying and make a beeline. Well, your turn will be getting into this fight. Pip, the wolf relaxes its bite on your arm for a second

and then bites down hard that extra bit of force was enough to pierce through your greaves not greaves I keep saying greaves

sorry it's your arm armor that would be armband I forget the name of it whatever your arm armor yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah. You take 11 points of damage. Braces? Braces! Yes, thank you. And you're already prone, so you don't need to make a strength saving throw. It is your turn. Okay. I, I,

what to be done, what to be done, what to be done. I have one enervating breath left. You know what? I'm going to use my last flame breath on it. Let's get out of fire. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what Emmanuel says. You'll be wrong. The wolf is doused in fire. With a yelping sound, it rolls off and backs up. What else do you do? Can I stand and fire a crossbow bolt as my second attack? All right. You stand and you fire the crossbow bolt as your second attack.

Yeah. As soon as the wolf locks that you are loading the crossbow bolt, you see the fear leave and determination come in. I knew it was going to happen, but hey, here we are. Critical hit. Oh, baby. Brain blast, baby. Brain blast, baby. Brain blast.

Your crossbow bolt strikes the wolf dead center right between its eyes. Its head explodes. With a shudder, the headless corpse hits the dirt. Hector, you land next to Pip. You can see that he's pretty badly wounded. It's Boris, I say. Without saying anything, I just grab your shoulders and channel healing energy into you. As you do that, you feel that divine presence enter you,

and you feel like it's kind of like its hands gently wrap around yours and then channel healing energy into Pip, there's a problem. As the energy moves through you, you feel the presence around you falter and almost like it nearly falls. Imagine you're being ghosted. Yep.

At last, my love. But imagine that sensation, that person behind you. Patrick Swayze. Patrick Swayze. Imagine Patrick Swayze behind you for a brief moment, kind of almost like they're about to fall over, but then they right themselves. In that moment, you feel that healing magic flicker,

but it still goes off. How much do you want to heal him? How badly wounded is Dwight? He's down, what is that, 31 points? All right. Okay, oh, well, I just channel it all. So 30 points. All right, you're on 71 hit points, Pip.

Thank you. I kind of shake my head. Something is off. Are you okay? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine now. Right, the others, I gesture to the bridge. I nod.

Yeah, as you are racing back towards the bridge, you can see, well, you can see the wolves must know that you are coming up behind them. And Boris has assessed that they're going to be fighting enemies on two sides of a bridge and has decided that today is not the day. The wolves sprint off into the forest. They have a movement speed that means that they will be faster than everyone here except a go gash and hector the two of you so you could pursue if you wanted to um that doesn't necessarily sound like a clever notion no i would maybe shoot off like a sacred flame when they're within 60 feet but i ain't't running with a go-gash. Your sacred flame strikes one of the direst wolves in its rear, and it maybe yips, but you don't down it.

It keeps moving. Esmeralda looks at you, Pip, and says, what the fuck was that? It's a wolf named Boris. A direst wolf. I give her a look like she should know what that means. She nods at direst wolf. Named Boris.

You named it? I have been very alone. And I've been dealing with Boris ever since I settled down near Krezak. She shakes her head. One should be very careful in naming. Yes. There is power in names. Is that something I would have learned as well

or is that some magic hoot-a-boot-a? You might have... You... You typically associate... If something has a name, you're like, well, it's powerful. Esmeralda shakes her head. Sometimes it works the other way. Sometimes you give something power through naming it.

Well, another mistake I've made then, I guess. Hooray, hurrah. I turned to who sent me? Nobody sent me to go look at the tracks, though, did they? No, you didn't. You sent yourself. Chaucer from the tree line calls out, can someone please pick

me up? Sorry. Sorry, I just don't want to be alone right now. That was terrifying. Turn around and pick him up out of the mud. I've never been out of the tower. Holy crap, is it all like this? Yes. Oh my God.

Pretty much. I just like start shaking my head. No, not every day. Pretty much, yes, it is. Almost every second of every day is like this. Up until now, the scariest moment of my life is when the looters came to the tower and didn't grab me. Well.

That was honestly terrifying. It's not every day. It's sometimes it's quiet. It's most days. It's like this. Holy cow. How far is Valakai? Like what, two days travel?

About, yeah. Nearly two days travel. Two days? We can leave you in the tower, Chaucer, if you'd rather. He looks at the tower, then kind of looks in the direction of Valakai. All right, I'll come with you. You'll have a couple of lovely dwarves for company. That's true.

I'll come with you. Right, yes. Is everybody okay? Everyone seems fine. The Agogash, Gorobloshen, and Esmeralda didn't really fight for very long. Boris almost immediately saw that you had won your fight. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Well, we're almost ready to head off. So let's just finalize that and head off to Valachai, yes? Mm-hmm. There's two ways. We can either go east, which is quicker,

or if we detour... East, like through the wood? Yeah, you would be heading... It is a path in the woods, but it is slightly more dangerous than doing the proper road. But it will take you longer to detour back.

It's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation because you're spending more time out in the open if you go back. Yeah. But going through the forest is just more dangerous. You're going through a forest, yeah. Well, open roads are safer, but we are more exposed. Honestly, it's much of a muchness.

I guess that decision-making to you, Pip. On the road. It's really up to whether Pip thinks it'd be safer to be out and about for a shorter amount of time or if Pip thinks it'd be safer to be on the main roads where you're... Where did Boris and that run off to?

They fled vaguely southwards. Kind of just into the forest. The forests are fine. They're not in danger. Yeah, I know. Do I think I'm less likely to be attacked by Boris and the crew on the road? I mean, like, I don't know, but it's hard to say. Yeah.

I mean, Boris would have a harder time tracking you, but he'd have an easier time knowing where you're going. Yeah, that's true. And we're on the road longer, which means Boris would have a time to... More opportunity. Yeah, but in the road longer, which means Boris would have a time to. More opportunity. Yeah, but in the forest, that's where he shines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I said, sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

The road is ostensibly safer, but we are more exposed. And the woods are ostensibly quicker, but we are more likely to be killed by wolves. So, I mean, the choice, I leave it up to you, honestly. Right, well, I guess I don't think I want to spend too much time out in the open. I guess how many, like, do we save like a day?

Esmeralda knows. You can see that she has you've walked back across the bridge. You can see Esmeralda has taken out a shovel and has begun digging at the where the bridge meets the little island. You can see,meralda has taken out a shovel and has begun digging where the bridge meets the little island. You can see, in addition to the shovel, actually, she's taken out one of her many satchel bags and spilling out of that satchel bag are pointy metal things. She has begun digging presumably pit traps. Clever.

How long will it save us in terms of hours, days? Like a day? About, yeah. It'll probably halve the journey. Look, let's go through the woods. Let's go through the woods. That's what I'm thinking. Well, by the time you all have finished packing everything into either the wagon or onto Orion,

Esmeralda has dug some very basic pit traps, and she gives her shovel and the bag of pointy things to Gorob Lushen and explains how simple it is to just dig a hole and put pointy metal things in it. While she's doing that, I'll make a cordon of arrows around the tower. Okay. Do the spell. Sure. Yeah.

Just bolts in the ground to, you know, there's like a warning. I'll explain it to them as well. If one of the arrows rises up and attacks someone, you know you're being attacked. Gorob Lushen, and they bring you into a big hug. Thank you! They both call out really loud in either ear. Sorry, not either. In both ears.

Yes, I'll do like an awkward pat them both on the head at the same time. So, you set off. Pyrrhon and Esmeralda head westward towards Kutcheri. And Hector, Pip, and Ogogash, the three of you, continue onwards towards Valakai. Can I strap Chaucer somewhere to my pack? Sure.

Maybe I'll strap him on the back so he's always facing behind us. Okay. Would it be quicker? Was Ogogash going to basically pull the wagon for us? Oh, right. That's right. We have a wagon. Is that right?

Yeah. All right. Well, I'll just us? Oh, right. That's right. We have a wagon. Is that right? Yeah. All right. Well, I'll just leave him in the wagon. That's fine. So? Why do you need all those dice, Adam, my beautiful, handsome friend? Who's to say?

Who's to say? Who is indeed to say? Who could possibly? While we're traveling, I'd like to make a little a little potion um just a resistance to damage energy and magic combining some some of my stuff together all right sure well it's successful you create a a potion of resistance to damage magic and energy you need to specify what energy oh um call it necrotic. So just make a note of that. Yeah, no worries.

I imagine my... Because this is one I've got to imbibe instead of Esmeralda's cool injecty ones. Mine are just like potions I got to drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so lame. It is. It's super lame.

And it feels like it would take a little bit longer to kick in as opposed to the doof injection into the thigh. Like an EpiPen. Fuck. Super lame. Pip's lame. Throughout most of the day, you can hear

in the, of the first day, sorry. Throughout most of the first day, you can hear in the distance somewhere. It feels like at first it's just behind you, but then it kind of tracks around and starts to sound like it's coming from in front of you. You can hear cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck the sound of a horse moving at rapid speed sprinting basically pip i don't think this

is in your notes but you know what okay yeah i know this horse i go to like maybe reach for my mace to see what and don't don't bother okay through the the misty forest it is though i say okay through the the misty forest it is hector for you would it be quite eerie you can hear i want to say if a day if the daylight of this place is about maybe eight hours of those eight hours six of them you can pretty constantly hear this the sound of a horse it's almost like it's tracking you but it keeps changing it sometimes it's coming from in front of you sometimes it's coming from behind you at a certain point you begin to assume that the mist must be masking its movement

and then as night time nears, you see a bobbing light in the darkness in the mist, sorry I should say and the darkening light you can see a bobbing light coming towards you I look at

Pip to see, are you worried? Do you care? Are you grabbing a weapon? No, no, no. I'm maybe like, I've got one of the straw pre-ends and I'm just getting the little bits of dregs that I missed the first time. It's like a skeleton. It doesn't have a head

and he's going to clip-clop by us and then here he comes. It begins to get closer head, and he's going to clip-clop by us, and then here he comes. It begins to get closer and closer. You see, sure enough, a skeletal horse wearing metal barding, like a horse of combat, sitting astride it, also wearing armor, but probably slightly lightly armored, more like rather than a knight of yore. It would be like a town guard, sort of, like a mishmash of leather armor and metal armor.

But the skeleton is headless. It holds in one hand the reins of the horse and in the other hand it holds a lantern. It rides straight towards your formation. A gogash looks. Unless you don't want a ghost in you. A gogash kind of just gets out of the way. I also get out of the way. A skeletal rider goes straight past you without bothering you.

People stick around in Barovia, you know. Right. That seems very strange. Are we setting up camp here? I look around. Is it good enough? Well, the sun's setting, so this is going to happen. Well, yeah, this will do.

I look around. Is there anything we can at least have one wall against? Like a nice stone cave or a tree or something like that? Yeah, you find a rocky formation. You wouldn't even need to set up a tent. In this rocky formation, there is enough room for the rickshaw and the three of you to camp comfortably.

Too good. I'll get to making a little fire, I think. Okay. What was that? Well, what have we learned? What was that? Should we perhaps be erring on the side of caution? You can if you want to be cold, I say.

That's fine. I'll kick out the fire. Look, sorry. I'm used to, I say. That's fine. I'll kick out the fire. No, no, no. Look, sorry. I'm used to, I guess, my own homeland. Here's the thing, Hector. If we're here, they know we're here. Oh, right.

We are constantly watched. Well, in that case, might as well be warm. While you're setting up for a fire, Hector, what would you be doing? I guess maybe grabbing some of the food from Krezic. Kind of like, yeah, doling that up. Agogash is sitting maybe he's just

unpacking stuff. Sure. There's a lot of rolling going on. I'd assume we'd want to be able to set some watch, but right now, we're getting ready. Hector, while you're starting the fire, Hector is to your left, Agogash is to your right. You're facing directly out of the little cave.

You can see something moving in the mist. Between the mist and the darkness, it's really hard to make it out, but you can tell that it's low to the ground. At first, you think it might be something moving a quadruped, something on four legs, but then you realize it's actually more of a biped, something like human-sized, but crawling along the ground. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

How big? Human-sized? About human-sized, yeah. Okay. Oh, no. It issues a raspy gasp. There's got to be some kind of undead, surely. Go, Gash. Hector.

I don't know if you've got better eyes than I do. I'd point out the creature in the woods. Hector, you can't make it out any better than Pip, but you can see something in the mist and darkness. It's low to the ground. Once again, at first you think it's like a dog or something like that, but then you realize it's roughly man-sized and just dragging itself towards you.

How far away is it? It's getting closer, but I would say it's about 100 feet at this point. Okay. With divine sense, does that stay on for a bit? Yeah, you could just turn it on and off, Sean. Okay, I'll turn that on. When it comes within 60 feet,

and now everyone in the camp can hear, you detect undead. And it comes within 60 feet. And now everyone in the camp can hear. You detect undead. It lights up with an undead presence. Okay. All right. I am. Undead.

That's good for me. All of you smell decay. Okay. Okay. Is it just the one? It appears to just be decay. Okay. Okay. Is it just the one? It appears to just be one, yeah. I channel divinity into my weapon, and I'm making it a sacred weapon. I'm rapidly looking through my own. You attempt to charge your weapon with divine energy.

Nothing happens. This is interesting. What can I tell about this undead from 60 feet? From 60 feet, you can see that, yeah, it's human-sized. You still can't see it properly, but it's quite obvious that it's some sort of undead. It definitely, because it's crawling, it definitely must be physical.

Okay. Most types of soft ghosts, as they move through the... They would just move through the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. You can see... Actually, at this point, everyone can see it is but a torso. So it's torso, arms, head. There are no legs.

That is why it is crawling, and it is moving towards you as fast as it can. crawling and it is moving towards you as fast as it can can i uh surreptitiously maybe just cast protection from good and evil on myself that works oh you feel that presence come around you as if it was ghosting you and you feel it holds you tight in a protective manner but once again there's a moment where it seems like it's about to falter, but then you feel determination from it and love as well. You feel love from it and determination, and it forces itself to stand upright and hold you close.

Maybe muttering, where are you? I like stab into, maybe at that exact moment, stab into Manu the Monster, Pogman, dry! All right, we're gonna go to initiative. Don't get fucking bitten by the dry Pogman. I swear to God.

If you've ever listened to a single thing I've said in my life, don't get bitten by the Pogman. You do not. I really want to put a lot of emphasis on this.

You do not want Pogman's fury. Don't get bitten. What else? Hector. Give me a second. How far away is it? It's about 40 feet at this point.

40 feet. I will cast Sacred Flame on it. All right. The Sacred Flame sputters but appears in hand, and then you toss it at the bog man. You strike the bog man. It takes 7 points of damage, but it does not slow down.

Pip, it's your turn. I'll shoot an arrow into it. Although I don't think this is going to actually affect it. You hit it. Oh, I actually have one radiant arrow left. I'll use that. Sorry, one radiant bolt.

You hit it. The radiant arrow sinks deep and hums with holy energy. It also illuminates the creature a little bit. You deal 10 points of damage. And now with the holy illumination, everyone can see it is like a bloated corpse

basically the upper half of some barovian who died who only knows how long ago it appears that this body has been submerged in water for some time you can see water damage upon the corpse unlike where you might normally see a corpse and its flesh is kind of like stretched over its bones, you can see it is instead bloated and swelling with blood in different places. As it comes towards you, it bears its teeth at you. You can see its bottom lip is mostly gone. So bearing its teeth is not too hard.

It doesn't have a lot of skin to not bear its teeth. And it makes a oh that's bad sound as it comes towards you so bitey it's a go gash's turn a go gash you can hit it from range i say that don't get close a go gash nods he throws a javelin the javelin strikes which would pin the creature to the ground because the javelin goes through it and into the ground. But with an awful slurping sound, the creature drags itself and pulls itself off the javelin the hard way. Gross. Then it is

the bog man's turn. The bog man spends its entire turn getting to the mouth of your little cave. Okay, cool. Hector. With shield in hand and mace, I go forward and hit it twice if I can.

And if I do hit, let me know. You critical hit. Excellent. And I will burn a second level slot to divine smite this if that works. It flickers, but you divine smite. Excellent. When that happens, your Shield of Faith ends. Interesting.

What? Actually, you can feel that as well. You feel your Shield of Faith ends, and you can sense that energy moving from into you, through you, and into your weapon. Your Shield of Faith

was absorbed into the energy for this divine smite everything okay there buddy anything's fine uh hit with uh the divine smite how many d8 are you burning for this sorry how many spell slots are you burning for this? I will burn two spell slots, both at a second level. So that is 4d8 each, so 8d8, Adam. Oh my god. What the

fuck, man? That's 3d8 for the smite, and then it's undead. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. You bring your mace down onto the corpse again and again and again and again. The- You deal like- You had done 25 points of damage.

I think you do- What is that? Oh my god. Like 30 something damage. The corpse stops moving. How's its brain looking, Adam? The skull is cracked open. Highs or lows?

Highs. The brain is mostly intact. Oh, that's great. Okay. This is going to be gross, but this is going to help us in the long run. I'd like to try and swap the bog man's brain and heart. It stops it coming back. It gets confused. Or at least Emmanuel thinks it gets confused. Whatever. It works. This is not dead? Yes, it's a bog man dry you successfully managed to you don't need to connect it or anything like that you successfully just extract without causing any damage the brain and the heart and he swaps their locations in the

corpse yeah um so you see you keep saying it is bog man dry and then ending your sentence it's a kind of undead sort of maybe your most basic undead you probably would it is Bogman dry and then ending your sentence. It's a kind of undead. Sort of maybe your most basic undead. You probably would say the Bogman dry. But the thing is, if you get bitten by it, and that's why I was so insistent. Maybe I'm saying this as I'm swapping. Yeah, yeah. That's why I was so insistent.

Pip's wearing gloves you think he bought for this. It's because if it bites you, the Bogman's fury as in quotation marks that's pretty much you done unless you remove the offending well not the offending you remove the limb that has been bitten pretty quickly too otherwise it's lights and then you become a bog man dry thank god they're slow as fuck and then they're switching switching off the brain and the heart confuses the dark spirit. This is me quoting. I'll open up the page.

Swap the bog man's brain and heart in their body to fool the evil spirits puppeting it. It's not an easy task and this may be only attempted once. Otherwise there's a bunch of other options. Thank god we're doing this one. It does get pretty dire if you fuck this up. All righty.

I'd like to drag the body away just so it's out of our sight. And to that, it won't come back? No, it shouldn't return. Okay. 99% of the time it doesn't come back.

Sometimes, if you fucked up this roll, I just wouldn't have told you. Yeah, no, I figured. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel like I did it pretty well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. All right, I just wouldn't have told you. Yeah, no, I figured. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel like I did it pretty well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

All right, time to go to sleep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Oh, I'm tired. I'm very tired. Sleepy.

As I go, gosh. I'm also sleepy. Yeah, me too. I've been struck down by a powerful desire to slumber. Good night, everyone. All right. Apart from the bog man, the night goes by uneventfully. And the next day you continue onwards to Valakai.

I was going to, during the night, or when maybe we had a bit of a reprieve. So it's like two of us are sleeping and that whatnot. Maybe asking Pip if you had been to Valakai and what to expect. Yes, I have been to Valakai before. And I'll tell you what, I don't cherish the idea of going again.

Let me have a look. What do you want to know? I guess, is it going to be at least friendly towards us? Oh, they'll be friendly toward you. And but... Toward me, perhaps less so.

Is it best for you to stay... I just gesture like, what do you want? Here's the thing. I think it's going to be hard to disguise who I am. And I'm probably going to... Look, they're not going to outright kill me if we go into Valakai, so that's small blessings.

Right. I'm probably just going to be jeered. Someone might throw a tomato. That's probably the level we're talking. Is it best to not be associated with you? Yeah. Like, Valakai, Barovia is going to be the worst. Valakai, though, is not going to be a pleasant experience for you.

If Hector is associated with you, especially if Hector's going around being like, I'm going to stop Strahd. If he's got you in tow, people are really not going to trust Hector. Maybe I have like a real deep inward look where you're like, Pip isn't here anymore. And then when I return, I'm like, yeah, perhaps it's better if you go in a little bit before me. We're going to help your chances and I'll come in later on, afterward. And perhaps... I would head to the Blue Water Inn, if I were you. Blue Water Inn, and that is the one you said they

are, I guess, their causes. Aligns with ours? Yeah, more or less. Yeah, that would be my suggestion. And I'll make do in Valakai. I'll find my way to you, unless I get clapped in the stocks or. I'll find my way to you. Unless I get clapped in the stocks or something.

But if that happens, you'll see where I am. Agagash speaks up. Would it be wise for me to stay with you, perhaps, Pip? As a pariah. As someone hated in this land. Yeah. It would be most wise, especially if they are righteous in their hatred towards you.

It would be most righteous for, sorry, it would be most prudent for me to act as a bodyguard of sorts for you, to protect you where you cannot. I care for you, my good friend. He puts a hand on your shoulder and very earnestly

looks you in the eyes, Pip, with genuine concern for your well-being. Yes, I'm sure you do not want anything untowards to happen to you. Perhaps, Gorgash, you have a good point. You, my friend, similarly would have trouble,

perhaps in these open lands, defending yourself without someone such as myself to guard you. But within Valakai, surely even you could be safe, he says. He puts a hand on your shoulder as well, and he looks at you with genuine concern for your well-being. You're a very kind man, Agogar. Yes, you are, sir. Very lovely. It is easy

for one such as me to be kind. I have so much to give. But for the two of you to be as kind as you are with how little you have, that is true kindness. He brings you all into a hug. Yep, I

accept this hug. Oh boy. This is fun. Just patting him on the back like, yep, right. I'm stiff as a board in the hug. My face is like all turned down. I suppose, yeah,

we'll spend some quality time together in Valachai. That sounds lovely to me. A go-gash nods. I cannot wait. So while you two are doing any particular things of note in Valachai, there's a church,

you said, yes? Yes, there's a church. St. Andrew's Church. It's hallowed ground from memory, so it's one of the few safe places in the city i mean the city's safe it's got walls i mean it's safe quotation marks but it's crescent has walls yeah yes uh yes but yes so yes uh saint andrews church is probably a i don't know if you want to head there but it is definitely uh safe place that is definitely a place to look. Anything of note there? There's a Vistani camp on the outside, yeah?

There is, yeah, a small settlement of Vistani and Dusk Elves. I definitely won't join you for this one, but if you are interested in talking to the Vistani again, God help you, you can head. There's a camp on the outside of the city. So a camp of Vistani again. God help you. You can head. There's a camp on the outside of the city. So a camp of Vistani and. So is it two. Vistani and the Dusk Elves are with the Vistani. Yeah.

They're. They've got a mixed community. Yeah. Vistani and Dusk Elves. What are. Sorry. Dusk Elves. You ever met a drow?

Yes. Kind of like a drow. That's very inaccurate. Okay. All right. It's inaccurate. But kind of what I would expect from. Yeah. Yeah's very inaccurate, but okay. Oh, right. It's inaccurate, but kind of what I would expect

from Pettis. Yeah, yeah. So the, oh, right. Strahd's manservant, he looks kind of drow,

but no. So, oh, right. So I guess he is a Dusk Elves. Okay, Dusk Elves. And the Dusk Elves are, so you said you were not joining us here?

No. I think it's probably best if I don't, if I want to live. I just, I think it's probably best if I don't, if I want to live. I just, maybe I've been writing down like a, if I have like a little bit of like a notepad or like a little parchment that I'm like taking notes on that I can remember, I just stop and look at you. There were further reaching consequences of the failed revolution than just the death of those involved, let's say. And let's, to be kind to me, leave it at that. There's also Blinsky's workshop, if you want to go there.

I wouldn't. Who is Blinsky? He makes a bunch of stupid dolls. I don't know. It's another thing to see in valakai blinsky dolls right you can probably find supplies there and what have you of course yeah you know there's a few there's like a blacksmith and a general store and stuff like that it's stuff that you probably wouldn't find in krasnoyarsk yeah it's very overpriced

because they're really the only game in town but it is a place where you could get proper oh you would know because this would be something that you found out the last time you did a revolution. You would know that the blacksmith there is more of a fixing horseshoes sort of guy. He can do weaponry, but it's not great. Yeah, yeah. In fact, inquired, I would explain that.

I guess ultimately a little bit of any sort of protection. I look at the mace. I'm happy. It's a big old ball of metal on the end of a stick. What more could you need? I was going to ask about that mace because it was from the abbot. Is it like ceremonial? Does it look like it is sort of anything like that?

Or is it just more like it is a big ball of metal on the end of a stick? Yeah, pretty much. Any magic it had was a function of the other. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, like, visually. Visually. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, it would probably be.

It'd have some, like, pleasant adornments. You can see it has some carvings upon it. The carvings appear to be angelic in nature for the most part. It looks primarily like angels flying upwards. But when you, Hector, upon closer inspection, really look at it, you realize that their faces are all carved in agony. Mmm.

Mmm. Grim. Mmm. It's a grim place. Can I get me a metal etcher or something? Fix that up. Give him a smile. Just cross them out a little.

That'll be worse. Buffle them up. Angel looking at it being like, you killing people? Is this a hit list? What's going on? A hit mace? Is that me? Hang on a minute. I mean, I only killed one angel and me, I was part of the... It's his mace.

It's crazy that Hector's body total hit count or whatever is like more angels thus far than demons or devils. That's kind of funny. That's great. Before Valakai, you come to the Lunar River Crossroads, which creatively enough is a crossroad that spans over a river called, shocker, Luna. Whoa! Yeah. The road comes to an X intersection with branches to the northwest, northeast, southwest, and southeast. The lower half of a snapped wooden signpost thrusts upwards at an angle near the eastern elbow of the intersection.

The top half of the sign, featuring arms pointed in four directions, lies in the weeds nearby. So there's a signpost, but it's been broken. You could go have a look at it if you wanted to. Do we kind of know the direction? Does it tell us where we're going? Well, you know where you need to go. I mean...

Does it say anything? Does it valakai this way and something else that way? Maybe just as you're walking past, Hector, you peep it. Give it a peep. Give it a, yeah. On one of the arms of the sign, you can see that it says Krezik, Selenka Pass, and then there's a third one which would normally say Kutcheri, but you can see that it has been graffitied to instead say Butcheri.

Then another one points towards Lake Baratok, which is the lake that you came from, which would be heading in the direction that you came from as well. Then there's Valachai and Ravenloft, which is one direction. And finally, Beres, which is

south. Well, we're going to Valachai. Maybe some of the names that I hadn't heard before, maybe inquire to Pip. Beres, I think, is a destroyed city. It's not much left. It's kind of being swallowed by a bog from memory. And Ravenloft, that's where Strahd is. I point to the castle.

You see it in the distance. Strange to have a sign for it. Yeah. What else was on the... The first time actually you see another thing, another feature on the horizon. You can see a dark, desolate and lonely looking

tower. Not in the same direction, but kind of, you can see it in the same vista that Castle Ravenloft is. You can also see this little tower. It's probably somewhere you would guesstimate to the southeast of you. And that is? I point to that tower.

What tower is it? Oh no, sorry. Directly to the south of you. You would probably guess that that is Argenvostolt. I would imagine Argenvostolt, which is a castle, I think. Some kind of castle. There's a lot of castles. I thought that was just the... I just pointed to

Ravenloft. I guess when we came... I guess it was a tower. A bunch of castles. Yeah, that's Argenvostolt. Oh, right. Is it equal height? No, it's much shorter. And then there was a pass. Oh, yeah. Selenka Pass.

That would be in the same direction as Krezak. Do I know anything about Selenka Pass? No, you've never heard of it before. I don't know Selenak Do I know anything about the Selenka Pass? No you've never heard of it before Did we pass the Selenka Pass? No you didn't walk past it but you've taken many detours I don't know Selenka Pass I must have missed it somehow I didn't come up until the end

Sounds like it could be somewhere on Mount Gakis Which is far to the south I shrug You head on to Valakai. All right. You arrive. Obviously you didn't see that, listeners, but Adam clutched the air

like a fucking evil skeleton holding a gem. That was crazy. You arrive. The old Slavic road meanders into a valley watched over by dark brooding mountains to the north and to the south. The woods recede, revealing a sullen mountain berg surrounded by a wooden palisade. Thick fog presses up against its walls as though looking for a way inside, hoping to catch the town a slumber. The dirt road ends at a set of sturdy iron gates

with a pair of shadowy figures standing behind them. Planted in the ground and flanking the road outside the gates are a half dozen pikes with wolves' heads impaled upon them. In addition to that, you can spot, slightly off to the side, there is a tall mound

and within the mound, it's quite, it's maybe 10- 15 minute walk from where you are so you're really you it's really far away and you can really only kind of make this out through the mist but you can see that inside this hill there are little like hobbit holes if you will like little dwellings and then there are tents atop the hill as well it looks like a small separate community and in addition to in this addition you can see the madam eva's procession is out the front of the gate here they've kind of circled the wagons you don't know why they're not inside the town i've also me and a go gash i assume have popped off the wagon yeah well before we kind of maybe

the moment it came on the horizon, we were like, well, we'll nip to the side. Well, Hector, you're on your own and on foot. I look at Valakai, but look at Madame Eva. I just, yeah, I make a beeline straight to Madame Eva's procession. To be continued... select campaigns that were once only available to Sants Pants Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice, and join us

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