D&D is For Nerds - Vampire Infested Barovia I #16 First Day in Vallaki

Episode Date: December 31, 2022

The party take it in turns to be roasted by one of the greatest insult comics Barovia has ever seen, Hecktor has a very drunken heart to heart with Pip and in doing so causes them to miss out on one of the greatest love stories ever told. Hecktor enjoys some retail therapy while Pip’s past catches up with him.Want ad-free and even more bonus content? Just check out the Imagination Adventures show page on Apple podcasts! Music by the ever wonderful Lepidora, you can check out her music here. And head to peddlerspress.store to peruse our D&D themed merch store and help support the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem, ahem. You're listening to the Sans Pants Network. Let this one tell that one a tale. The story of great heroes marooned without a sea, stranded in a place of nightmares called Barovia. The antagonist, a creature known as Strahd Von Zarovich. As all great epics, someone must die, either Strahd or our heroes.

Knock on the door. Who is it? Pip, it's Hector. Can I come in? Come in, that's fine, yes. Thank you. How are you? How are you?

How are you going? Oh, you know, as best as one can be, given the circumstances. Is everything all right? Yes, everything is all right. I was just seeing if you would like anything to drink, to eat, to... Don't really have much of an appetite at the moment, but thank you. I just want to come in and I want to apologize to you. I think I came on a little hot, as it were.

You've been, I guess, very cagey in terms of the information that happened beforehand. And I understand that you've probably heard it all before. And that I'm sorry. I just want to say I'm very sorry. You're not responsible for Strah's actions. That's not really on you. And I understand everyone is blaming you for everything that has transpired,

but I don't know what it is like to be you. I don't. But I am beginning to understand why you have done some of the things you have done. So I want to apologize for the tone I took with you. And that I want to thank you in a way. Eyes go wide, take it aback. It's very rare for anyone to thank Pip. For, in a way, caring about me, that you don't want to see me get hurt.

So thank you for that. Well, I think nothing of it, Hector. And if I'm honest, I should probably apologize as well. I've been sort of a cunt. I nod. honest i am i should probably apologize as well i've i've been sort of a cunt and i nod yeah yeah it i'm working on it it is it is understandable but look you you you've come into this thinking you're at the beginning of a story and you're realizing i suppose that you're actually halfway through and that's not your fault and i shouldn't hold that against you there's still a lot to do.

I understand that your trepidations about going up against something that is unkillable, perhaps there is powerful, but I don't want to stay here. I don't want to give up a night. Don't want to be you. Hey buddy, believe me, I get it.

Look, I'm not going to stand in your way. That doesn't mean I'm joining the fight again, God knows, but I'm not going to stand in your way. I don't want you necessarily to join the fight if that means going against whatever it is that you believe in. And I do not want you to join the fight if i am you feel obligated or forced to but you know so much more than i do you i gesture to you or uh manual the monster a snort like as though yeah for yeah manual how good's that well you seem to be clutching it like i do what's the pen here and gnomes equivalent of a bible um they're like something i would consider sacred there would be the well you know what yeah actually i suppose the closest that you're you would have to something like a bible yeah would

be the letters of gnomes and penia which is just love letters that they sent each other that contain a lot of like rules well when they say they contain rules this is way more law than you need hey i asked the question yeah yeah yeah it's like uh it's just like the when they're talking to each other part of it is they say like the way that they you know the things that they want to to do with each other to see with each other like the way that they want to live their life together. And a big core part of your religion is looking at those and being like, that is a good way for anyone to live. Okay. Is there a term we use for that?

The collective terms? Just the letters of gnomes in Pena. Okay, then. Well, you hold on to that book like I would hold on to the letters of gnomes in Pena. You seem to respect it and revere it. And look, you have been here longer than I have. You were part of a resistance as

successful as it wasn't. So, weird way of phrasing that. As successful as it wasn't. A go-gash? He's rumbled off. As successful as it wasn't't you did learn a lot

and I am beginning to understand that if Strahd is as powerful as he as everybody says he is nowhere is safe

yes the people of Krezig think that a high wall will protect them but as we both know so did I Strahd was well he is

was visiting the Abbot yes there is nowhere here is safe we are only alive Yeah, so did I. Strahd was, well, he was visiting the abbot. Yes. There is, nowhere here is safe. We are only alive, it seems, because he chooses that we are alive. And correct me if I'm wrong, but at any point in either the battle or thereafter, Strahd could have come for you. Yeah, you're probably on the money there, if I'm honest. You're only alive, I think, and I think'm honest you're only alive i think and i think

all of us are only alive because he wants that and i think he has kept you alive because i think you are an easy victim you are easy to blame you are mortal we cut you you bleed you are someone that people can hate. Yeah. Yeah. And for that, I am deeply sorry that that has happened to you. Look, it's not your fault. I know it is not, but I can still be sorry. Well, I appreciate that. I want to put a hand on your shoulder and just like, you have done things that you regret.

We've all done things that we have regret. I've got my tongue pierced. Okay. Maybe switch to some beers halfway through. Just as a side. Sensing that Hector has maybe had a couple. I put my arms on his shoulders and be like, look, look, look, look. Maybe I even put an arm around his shoulders and start walking him out of my room.

Uh-huh. To Valakai and beyond. Yes. This is Valakai. Perhaps in the future, it will be beyond. I am going to go to bed. I think that's a good idea. I would have liked, yeah, maybe they're like some of that booze.

Maybe a couple of wine. Maybe they're just sort of like slowly burping in a phrase that I feel has been used at around 3 a.m. in most cities around the world. I want to just like, Pip, you're all right. You too, buddy. You too. I'll pat him on the back and then I'll close the door behind him. Hector, as you walk to your room, you can hear, because it's just, like I said, it's just a railing and you can see down into the bar below.

You hear the end of Kribbit the Amazing saying, and then when I put the stars back, he kissed me on the cheek. Agogash is weeping. Openly,

Yender looks genuinely so shocked. She's gripping the table with white knuckles like she's almost afraid chaucer his jaw is nearly hitting the hitting the ground and that was the stupidest thing i ever did for love i want to look back at pip's door, look down at what I imagine is a beautiful story that I missed, and under my breath, just mutter, I chose the wrong one. Then I go to bed. Maybe Cribbit adds at the end, and I can never tell that story again. I pause. Damn it.

If I tell it again, they will come for me. These stars themselves, like I said. Fuck. Missed out. Yeah, I got a bad dream. At a certain point, probably almost immediately, you hear the door open and then a gogash closes the door and curls up in bed still weeping openly. There's a little boy.

Hector fell asleep in a half in a drunken haze, half with the beautiful white noise of a gogash sobbing into his pillow. It really got to it. Oh, it did, yeah. Far out. Just dreaming of like, what could it have been? What could have happened? You'll never know. While distantly, Pip, you can hear just a faint sobbing sound. And then maybe at a certain point you hear

Yender say, fucking hell, fucking hell, what the bloody fuck? You hear as well, maybe Kribber just tuning some of his instruments, like the dun-dun-dun-dun-dun of a lyre. Maybe just like the subtle shh-shh-shh-shh of stretching out the drum. The roop-roop of him making sure the dog's got the right... Yeah, you've got everything it needs.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course. What would you like to be doing, Pip? Um, I don't know. It's been a pretty emotional night. I assume you're not going to sleep. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think Pip's just going to maybe return to the edge of the little bed in the room.

And maybe just kind of like, maybe I'll just sit there and just kind of ruminate, really. Okay. Actually, maybe as Hector closes the door behind him, I just stare at the door for a while. You know? All right. Just kind of stareuminate. Really? Okay. Actually, maybe as Hector closes the door behind him, I just stare at the door for a while, you know? All right. Just kind of stare at where he was. While you're staring at said door, you hear the sound of, like,

someone's upended a laundry basket behind you. Almost immediately after that, you hear the tightening of a drawstring, and you can tell an arrow has just been drawn. I swivel around, quick as a flash. You look at, you don't know her name, but it is Eleniel Silverfire. It is a dusk elf woman. She wears a long, heavy cloak, dark colors, quite obviously meant to blend in with the city streets.

She has the hood pulled low over her face, but you can see two eyes beneath the cow glowing with hatred and as she begins to stand up you can see that she's wearing leather armor which is kind of bunched around her chest in one quick assessment you can tell that she well and also you can see bow and arrow with the arrow pointed directly at your heart. In one quick assessment, you determine that if you were to make the wrong move, she would pin you to the door behind you, killing you almost instantly. And also she's pregnant. Under my breath, I'm like, Hector. She says with malice and threat in her voice,

tell me why I should not just strike you down right now. My mouth becomes very dry. My heart starts to beat very fast. I suspect that I can't. I assume there's actually nothing I could possibly say that would remove the hurt that you're feeling. But perhaps I can clarify some things um what what i did and maybe i've got my hands up at this time as well what i what i did wasn't an

act of of malice wasn't an act of violence or or aggression or or evil it was an act of weakness, of cowardice. I suppose I was presented with something of a choice. Die alongside those I loved or live forever alone in the shadows. And people pretend that's an easy choice, but it's not. Understand, ma'am, not a day goes by where I don't regret the choice I made. I abandoned and hurt a lot of the people I loved. I didn't destroy Barovia. I didn't kill your people. I just ran when I should have stayed. I, like, started to walk over to her, but I understand where this comes from. So, if piercing my heart with your arrow would truly, actually make you happy,

if it'll bring you peace, I implore you, let go. But I think we both know that it would just be another body on the pile. Then I just close my eyes and let my arms drop down beside me. You are so close, standing so close to her now, that the tip of the arrow is poking into your flesh. You feel a hot dribble down your front as a single bead of blood makes its way from where the arrow is poking you just at your heart, down, down, down. After a while, she says finally, Down, down.

After a while, she says finally, You are Pip Mandarin, a wounded animal, and it would be a kindness to kill you now. So do not mistake this for kindness. She lowers the bow. I can see you suffer, and that is the only reason you are still alive. You will make this right. You cannot bring my people back.

But you can kill the creature who ended them. I... What makes you think that? If you can't, if he can't, if none of us can, then let him live alone with a pile of corpses she says fury in her voice i nod i don't say anything i just nod perhaps we will just be the first corpses on that pile but either way we will find ourselves upon it someday and let it be We will find ourselves upon it someday and let it be, let it be such that we died fighting.

If you have anything within that body of yours that you call a soul, you will help us. Okay. All right. She wraps the bow around her form, puts the arrow back in its quiver and then with one final look just of pure malice and hatred she turns and then kicks off one wall kicks off the other and she's at that tiny window she slips through it as if she was nothing but the clothes she wears. Just like a huge sigh of relief. Maybe even like nearly fall over because I've been so tense and all of a sudden all of it's just like, oh, then I'm going to go and close the window.

The window isn't closable. It's a, sorry, the window isn't openable. Oh. Never mind then. It's just a sheet of glass set in the wall. All right. I basically just collapse into bed. Maybe I briefly glance at the door where Hector left through.

I'm like, okay. Then I'll collapse into bed. And probably not sleep. I imagine it's just a lot of staring at the ceiling the whole night. All right. Well, I guess you'd be up first. Yeah, most likely. The sun, at a certain point, the darkness through your window recedes and sunlight spills through. You get up, I assume.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And go downstairs. You can see Erwin Matyukov is now the one behind the bar. You probably know this arrangement. Danica is the one who's much better handling the rowdier patrons and Erwin is much better at keeping the place spic and span. So when it's quiet, he's the one who's active. He nods curtly.

He obviously knew that you were here. There are people coming in today for me to interview. Oh, yes. I was made aware of this. They should be. Well, I do not know when they will arrive, but you can take a seat. He gestures in the corner. Thank you.

Do you want breakfast? Something to drink? Yeah, just some eggs and maybe some bacon and a cup of tea. You're not sure why, but Owen, when you say eggs owen gives like a very thoughtful look like he's doing some mental math you don't know what that's about but eggs seems to be something that he needs to think about i just shake my like i'm like briefly try and figure out what he's thinking and then shake my head like that's not my problem could i would you like potato and bacon yeah that's that's that's fine i can do baked potato but I do not think we have

eggs, he says. That is a... That's a very baffling thing for anyone to say. Okay. He goes off and brings you out a drink and oh yeah, maybe just something like, I don't know, maybe a tea he brings you and the

baked eggs and bacon. I like sip the tea, grimace at how horrible i find it and then start eating the bacon actually this the blue water in is the only place in all of barovia that you have ever had a decent meal and a drink well then probably instead of like because i was going to just get a manual demonstra out and start leafing through it actually i just savor the cup of tea every sip sure like sip stop sip stop as he sets it down the tea and food in front of you erwin looks you dead in the face thank you for doing this for us oh i mean it's the least i could do i say he he nods he he looks at you like you can see there's a little bit of compassion,

which is probably something you're not used to. Oh, no. There's a little bit of compassion in his face. It looks like he doesn't hate you. Whoa. Two in 24 hours. Oh, my God. Pip's rich.

He walks away. People start filtering in. It's not like a massive line or a heap of people, but people slowly come in and sit down and speak with you about their experiences. No one person

has an entire story. And also, Hector, you and the rest of the group would be waking up while this is happening. You enter into the bar seeing, interviewing people. I think it probably,

because we'd probably order food as well, have breakfast, seeing, interviewing people. I think it probably would probably order food as well, have breakfast, hopefully they have coffee. They would have coffee, yeah. Excellent. Whoa, Barovian coffee? Well, this is the only place in Barovia you can get coffee. You're not sure where they're getting it from. You assume they're trading

with the... Vistani? Yeah, Vistani. Yeah, fair. Sugar as well? Sugar, unfortunately not possible. Sugar as well? Sugar, unfortunately, not possible. Sugar. Something sweet and Barovia. I was going to go with a long black, but then I'm like, look, it's Barovia.

It's kind of shitty. Maybe some sugar would be nice. No, it'd be lovely. I personally love it, just no sugar. But in this case, I'm like, well, maybe a little bit of sweetness would have been good.

If you ask for sugar, Erwin gives you a really sad look and says i uh do not i have heard from adventurers the request for sugar i do not know what sugar is but it does not survive the journey here would honey and coffee be all right yeah yeah do uh do you have you have any honey or something like that? So, I will warn you. I do not know this myself. I have lived my entire life in Borovia, but I hear from adventurers that honey

here does not taste the same as it does outside of Borovia. We do the best that we can. That is... Look. Bees need flowers. It's just like... What is that? Is it like a... Bees need flowers. It's just like, what is that? Is it like a... Bees need flowers. That makes sense.

I was just thinking of that. Is it a wasp that makes honey or a bee that makes honey out of meat? I think it's a bee that makes honey out of meat. It feels like that. It's savory. It's either bitter honey or it is poisonous. You can get sweet. It's poisonous.

I don't even want to ask for milk. Oh, no, no, no. Thank you very much. I eat my, I assume, potatoes. He makes you, and literally, not exaggerating, he makes you the greatest short black you have ever had. This is very, hmm. I want to maybe, yeah maybe yeah like as Pip has done

savoring it yeah yeah having a plan stopping savoring it some more gotta enjoy the little moments in Borovia just having that

aroma cause it'd be like the first coffee I've had in oh a couple couple weeks Owen sees you enjoying the coffee

he gives like a little like he was expecting you to really enjoy the coffee he gives you a little smile and says family recipe I would expecting you to really enjoy the coffee. He gives you a little smile and says, family recipe. I would ask you to share, but I feel that

I will be given a short shake of the head. He mimes zipping his lips. Of course. Well, you have gained a customer. I have a sip and at some point maybe between interviewing people, I'm going over to Pip.

I'm interested in orphanage at some point, but I think I'm going to go get some weapons and armor. In between the two of you. And Pip, you realize what that consideration about eggs was. Kribbitz sits down with a big bowl of boiled eggs, and he just begins eating them one after the other. With a... a big bowl of boiled eggs and he just begins eating them one after the other. That's honestly good because I think if I had... Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch

spits out all the shell. If I had ordered eggs I think it would have put me off eggs for life. Actually, I think that's probably for the best. You enjoy Kribbit. This actually might have just put me off eggs for life. Actually, I don't think he has them boiled. I think he has them raw. That's disgusting.

He does still spit out the shell, though. To be honest, I'm shocked he spits out the shell. The shell's good calcium. At a certain point, he brings out his little notepad and he starts writing down, making notes of what's going on. And when he does that, he switches from picking them up with his hands to with his tongue sticking at them,

dragging them into his mouth. Maybe with a coffee, I'll ask Erwin where I can maybe look for, say, armor wears, sort of any sort of metal work, those kind of things. If you need metal work done, I would say that you should go to the cracked anvil. The blacksmith in town.

Dragomir. Dragomir Ulbrek is the well, the only blacksmith in town. I do not know though if the cracked anvil will have what you need. Ulbrek is more of a if your horse needs shoes or you need

house fittings. He does not do armor very often. It's worth even... He might have something from a previous adventurer in his stock, though. I let that linger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's grim.

And just nod my head. Is Yender still eating breakfast? Yender is here, yeah. She's eating breakfast as well. Okay. I don't know if it's Pip or Yender and eating breakfast? Yender is here, yeah. She's eating breakfast as well. Okay. I don't know if it's Pip or Yender and the rest of it. Gogash, where are they at? Yeah, yeah.

Gogash and Yender are sitting next to each other with Chauncey there. They're having like a little conversation. Kribbit the Amazing is sitting next to Pip, just noting down everything that's happening. And then, obviously obviously you are currently with Erwin. Goyenda, look, I know we want to go to the orphanage

today, and I still want to do that. I'm going to head to the, I think it's the cracked anvil first, just to see what the blacksmith here has in stock. So if you want to finish your meal and have here, I should be back in...

How long a walk was it? It's maybe an hour-long round trip, not counting time you'll spend at the thing itself. It might be a couple of hours. Well, what I could do is I could meet you at the orphanage. That's not a bad idea. Is the Cracks Anvil close to the orphanage? No, it's the other, you'll walk back

past the inn to get there. Yender is not proposing the most ideal of scenarios, but you can see that she's a little keen to get going. Yeah, I'll meet you at the orphanage in maybe two hours or so? Uh, yeah, alright, alright. I'll see you in a couple hours. No worries. I ask,

I guess, if anyone else wants to go see the blacksmith couple hours no worries I ask I guess if anyone wants to go see the blacksmith for anything like I mean you know do you want to bring a gogash well it's because

he used a weapon maybe he wanted it sharpened or something but also I don't know if I want that yeah yeah a gogash one on one is an interesting company

so yeah but like I'll be nice and googash did you want to get your weapon sharpened I just feel this is going to give me a lecture Ogogash immediately very very visceral very very

immediate reaction Ogogash shakes his head and he says I'm very sorry my good friend but well you would not know about this your people are not skilled with the blacksmithing arts as mine are. But my axe. Maybe at the start of this conversation, I want to try and capture Erwin's eye

and just kind of be like, another one, please. Just another one. I need it. Erwin gives you a little nod and comes over with a cup of coffee. I assume you were asking for coffee. It is first going to take a while. This is a long speech. It's mercifully short.

It's mercifully short comparatively. My weapon, it is been sharpened by only the best of orcish blacksmiths. And I fear well, I simply fear that any blacksmith other. And I fear, well, I simply fear that any blacksmith other than one of my own would just not have the expertise needed.

Yeah, of course. Of course. It's an advanced worksmanship. And, yeah, not to say that you cannot create fine works, but it's just harder, I suppose, for you. It's like we start at a 6 and can make our way to a 10, but you start at a 0 and can make your way to a 6. Yeah, well, fair enough.

Basically, the best that you could do is an amateur by our standards. Of course, yes. I mean, we are making do with what we have. Yender is stifling a laugh. She thinks this is very funny. She's greatly appreciating this. When you're like, thank you, and you turn away, you hear Yender say, do me next.

turn away, you hear Yender say, do me next. She says it with her accent, though. I didn't know her accent just then. But she says it with her accent. But that's nice. She doesn't say it with your voice, so it was strange. I'm heading to the bay.

I will be... See you later, Yender. Yender nods. As I'm leaving, I might be going to Pip. I don't know what are your plans for the day. I've got to keep interviewing people about some sorcery. Well, I have to come back this way before I go to the orphanage. Perhaps I'll check in on you then?

Sure, yeah. Feel free. Feel free. Good luck with the orphanage. Blacksmith. Blacksmith. Sorry. Then the orphanage.

Yes, I'll come here. Goodsmith. Sorry. Then The Orphanage. Yes. I'll come here. Good luck with both. Why does nobody listen? I'll go back to looking through a manual. Good luck to him. While you're interviewing people, Kribbit begins doing something extraordinary,

which is a lot saying a lot. He's already pretty extraordinary. With one hand, he continues jotting down notes, but with the other hand, he brings out oil paintings and begins painting the different people that you're interviewing. Fucking renaissance man, this little frog. He's a

renaissance frog. He paints with an incredible speed. If most of your interviews only take 10 to 15 minutes, he is done about halfway through any most of your interviews only take 10 to 15 minutes, he is done about halfway through any one of the interviews. It's not like, we're not talking incredibly elaborate. I'm imagining sort of like a court artist sort of. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not dissimilar. Yeah. He's, he's certainly getting like a bust of the person like you get a pretty good look at the or you you would

be able to identify each individual person from these paintings there's enough detail for that cool that's gonna keep him around um what what do i gather from the interviews none of the interviews have an entire picture attached to them but you do learn several things from one of the interviews you hear about a person like a local trapper yeah who just saw a procession of people and several you get several reports of people heading to the lake with at their at the head of their procession someone in strange kind of like it looks at first like robes of the morning lord so they've got ceremonial robes and it looks like they maybe i should say once belonged to a priest of the morning lord but

they no longer belong to such a priest they have been obviously written over and corrupted in several different ways they've been changed and altered so instead of depicting things like the sun both rising setting and just normally in the sky it's now kind of black splotches all over their uniform they now also wear a hood so no one's been able to identify who this person is but you also seem like one person always leading the congregation it's not sure if it's the same person okay okay they have typically always been holding with them? Leading the congregation. It's not sure if it's the same person or not. Okay, okay. They have typically always been holding with them a staff, and the staff

has something atop it, but you've heard two accounts of what's been atop the staff. One time, it was described as a writhing snake, but another time it was described as kind of looking like a a just a mass of tentacles

like a squid or an octopus maybe oh okay and in addition to that you hear several tales of people who either someone they know just suddenly kind of like randomly in a private setting, just shut down completely and then tried to abduct them or someone they didn't know just abducted them or jumped them, tried to abduct them, jumping them in a back alley. You hear a story of someone who it's really, really upset, really distraught a brother,

someone who had a brother, both of them were jumped by someone that they knew and then they tried to tell the town guard but anytime the town guard gets involved this is something that you would know from your previous times in valakai the town guard take and this is from on high they take like a is a crime actively happening no then all is well and okay cool cool cool so when people are like hey someone tried to abduct me yeah they they're like well you're fine now but yeah yeah they might only being abducted no sub complainer they will stop an abduction in progress yeah sure but if if it's like comes down to or they need to go and question the person

the person starts acting normal and the guard's like well what do you want me to do which obviously like i said is not it's it's par for the course yeah you hear one story a really really really distraught person talks about how he and his brother were in an attempted abduction by someone that they knew and they were like kind of like planning on being like all right we got a fucking nail down we've got to do something about this and then his brother goes missing for a little while and when he shows back up he can tell that something's wrong with his brother he's kind of acting normal but he can tell that something's very mechanical about him almost. And he stops talking about, he stops being like,

he's no longer interested in the abduction plan. Maybe at some point, like in between interviews, I lean over to Kribbit and I'm like, let me read you out loud what Emmanuel has to say about people, comma, cultists, because I think that's what we're dealing with here. Cultists, worshipping many odd or strange or weird or wacky people, deities, and other manner of objects slash things. The cultist is able to find themselves in any church or chapel,

and it is highly recommended that a clever hunter not let them thrive, though said clever hunter may also choose not to worry about that shit, as it ain't his business, as I have many creatures to face, and it shall be the best practice, or best practices, to keep to thy lane. Slap it down on the table. I swear to God, Kribbit. It's a fucking book.

Kribbit nods slowly, thoughtfully, like you weren't insulting Emmanuel the monster, like you were instead just reading out a normal passage, almost like he doesn't really understand. And you look over and you see Kribbit is now just doing a quick painting of Emanuel the Monster, the book itself. This one thinks that that one is saying cultist.

It seems like cultist Krib it, if I'm honest. This one comes from land where cultist is called just literally means people who tell you what to do and how much to pay. Politician. Telling me in your world all cultists are politicians? Yes. Okay. Fair enough. Is literally means when gods tell you what theocracy. Oh, I see.

Kribbit come from theocracy. Right, right, right, right. Well, good for you, Cribbit. No. No, very bad. Bad for you then. That, yeah, sounds no good. God's dumb, Cribbit says with a big gesture.

Oh, I could not agree more, Cribbit. I could not agree more. I'm going to keep looking through a manual, see if I can find something useful for the love of God. After, so you would have started at about I'm gonna say maybe 7 a.m yeah it was 8 a.m by the time that you left Hector and I would say at about 8 30 you get the last interview you've had quite a few you've spoken to quite a few people they've all come in really early because every every single person

you speak to is like someone's got to do something about this so they were all really keen on talking to you and you can see that danica's worked out something where they're all like entering and leaving in a surreptitious manner as well so danica is obviously or yeah orchestrating so none of these people are going to get attacked yeah yeah yeah the last oh. You also find out that a member of the town guard is probably the, yeah, Stannis. Stannis. Stannis is a member of the town guard. He is definitely a confirmed person

who has been abducting people. You hear like a really, another really heartbreaking story actually where first one person comes in and is like, I saw Stannis. Stannis the the town guard he's a fucking cultist then you hear another tale of someone being like coming in being like i saw this happen i went to tell the town guard and they were like oh lead us to it and then you slowly realize as part of the story that stannis is in charge of these god okay let's take it Who are like, yeah, take us. Yeah, come on, show us where.

And then she slowly also works out, oh shit, they're abducting me without me realizing. And so she was very clever to make like a good excuse and got away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But your fucking heart stops when you're speaking to someone and they tell you,

I was speaking to Magda Ulbrecht. She was telling me her husband had been acting strange and I had heard some of these rumors. I got very worried for her. Yes. And then we were going to do something about her husband. Of course. The next time I came back, they were both there, her and her husband Dragomir. It's a cracked anvil. And they tried to grab me.

Are they still at the cracked anvil now? Well, I told the guard about it last week. How long ago was this? Last week. Fuck. I think they are both part of the cult. Yes, yes. And long ago was this? Last week. Fuck. I think they are both part of the cult. Yes, yes. And how positive on this are you? I suppose it doesn't matter terribly. Well, they tried to abduct me.

Yes, you're right, you're right. How long has Hector been gone? About half an hour. It's just me and Kribbit, yeah? Yender has left. Ogogash is still here. Actually, no, Ogogash Chaucer wanted to see Chaucer at some point earlier. It's like, I want to see the world.

Can you please show me the town? And Gogash picks up. Gogash is gone with Chaucer on a little bit of a trip. It's just you and Kribbit. I look down at Kribbit. I might have to cut this interview short, I say to the person I'm interviewing. He nods. Please.

Do something. Yeah, I'm trying. He nods. Please. I think. Do something. Yeah, I'm trying. Krivid, follow me, and then I'll leave the blue water in and start heading for the blacksmith. At the cracked anvil. Yeah, good. Uh-oh. Cool. Hector, this part of town is quite obviously kind of like the market area.

Well, I wouldn't call them shops shops but there's stalls and standing buildings that are obviously shops of a of a sort there's nothing here that would really cater to the adventurer lifestyle though you're not seeing you're not seeing a lot of blacksmithies or mad ye olde magic shops and whatnot it's for the most part fishmongers and trappers and maybe people who sell or deal in kind of low level types of jewelry. Not the sort of stuff you're finding in a dungeon.

The sort of stuff that like a housewife, just a regular old housewife might wear. Like something that's kind of pretty. You know, it's not going to give you extra health, but it might look good. A dull, non-precious metal yeah yeah noticing that again

I'm realising taking what Erwin said to heart it is mostly stuff to help building a house shoeing a horse and it is very much a market but even still this is the only blacksmith in town so I'm basically beelining there.

I don't think I'm going to, you know, I wouldn't daddle too much. Yeah, of course. Why would you? Make a beeline straight for there. I said I was going to look at the armor. Taking any armor you might have off, dropping your weapon, cracking your shield and all. You're not going to need that. What's that for? What's that going to do for you?

I'm coming back to the blue water. No, I would have brought maybe the mace. I'd have the mace. I feel I'd have that. All right. All right. You got the mace. Sure.

You can hear the dull ringing of steel upon steel, and you know that a hammer is being used to work metal somewhere nearby. You follow the noise, and you find it's two buildings. Well, touching. Two buildings. You, where a building will share a wall. So it's two buildings. One half is a blacksmith. It's got a big open bottom area where the bellows and all of the work benches and stuff like that, where all of they are. And then the other half.

Oh, that has a big sign saying the cracked anvil. And then attached to it is another building. It's a closed shop, but you can see through big windows there is more workbenches and other equipment inside there. From that part, you could smell the unmistakable ammonia aroma of Pierce. Okay. Leatherworking. Yeah, it says Lurk Resch Tannery. Ah. Okay. Leatherworking. Yeah, it says lurk resh tannery.

Okay. And that one's closed. That one is currently closed, yeah. As you- Okay, well, if I can't- Look, if they can't get anything from, like, armor-wise, like, metal, I can at least maybe- Oh, the blacksmithy is open. Sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. If I can't get anything from there, maybe I'll wait until the tanner is opened. Or you ask about the tanner. Sure. In the blacksmithy section, you see two people, a big burly man who is working the forge and hitting a white hot bit of metal with a hammer. And you see a woman who is sitting in a chair and you can see that she's fletching an arrow.

It's a rocking chair. She rocks back and forth. Nice. Well, when I get to either, like, you know, speaking distance, chatting distance, I'll be like, hello, you must be Dragomir. Dragomir turns to you and nods. Yes, I am Dragomir.

Are you... He looks you up and down. He takes one quick look at you and he says, adventurer? I nod. Yes, I'm looking for any armor or perhaps a, mostly armor, to be honest, if you have anything in stock or something I could look at.

He turns back, looks at his wife. They, both of their faces go blank for a brief second, and then he, Dragomir, yeah, I know, how weird. Dragomir looks back at you and says yes I think the

do you mind used armor no not at all if it will fit me it will fit me if you come inside it will need it will fit you

but I will need to work it a little for it to fit you of course of course it was someone a bit shorter in stature right I didn't know did I notice the blank features I said that you did work it a little for it to fit you. Of course, of course, of course. It was someone a bit shorter in stature.

Did I notice the blank features? I said that you did. And do I... I know we had a very brief conversation with Pip the night before about people being a little bit fuddled. Is that something that I'm like, oh, that's a bit connected. I leave that up to you. I just don't, because you dwelled on it.

Not that hard. Of course, let us dwelled on it. Not that hard. Of course. Let us happily get on with it. You do. You didn't really describe how much they were mind-fuckled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Part of the blacksmithy is... To me, I'm interpreting that as a blank look.

Could be just like, perhaps it was one of their friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perhaps it was like, yeah, we do have something, but it means maybe something to us. Yeah, there's a lot of other reasons why they could suddenly go blank. Or it's like, well, the last person that used it did die, and I'm expecting that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, fair enough, fair enough, fair enough. You walk inside, and as I was about to say, part of the blacksmithy is a closed area, and you can see that is primarily for displaying of various different, like, oh, here are all the different types of horseshoes that he can do. Here's all the different types of door fittings that he can do. Kind of like a display area, I suppose. Part of that, you can see there is a small, just in one corner tucked away. There is obviously scavenged equipment from dead adventurers. It's all cleaned.

And any identifying, like if, if someone's name was on something that's been scratched away so that you can't see it anymore. Filed off. Yeah. That's sad. I'd rather it not be.

Like the dents have been sort of like, you know, knocked back out. There's a very old, not great looking set of breastplate armor, but it is nonetheless hard metal armor. This looks um, yeah, go over and

inspect it. His wife also comes in. The Dragomir gestures to her and says, Magda, my wife. Nice to meet you, Magda. Hector, a pleasure is all mine. She nods curtly and says, it is a pleasure to meet you. Thank you. Thank you. So this is the gesture to the breastplate.

So this is dirty. I go to like on the floor or up against. It's on a little there's a little armor rack where it is, where it is sitting. I go to. Is it on the floor or up against? It's on a little armor rack where it is sitting. I go to inspect it. It's a strange style. You've not seen this style ever before. It looks almost dwarvish in nature, but it's much bigger than a dwarvish armor would be normally.

Do I need any specifications for myself in terms of my wings? I believe those are magical. They are magical. I would say that they do not physically, or they would go through any clothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, no, you don't need anything. All right, excellent. Is there anything else around that only piques my interest while I ask how much maybe the breastplate is?

There is a tiny selection of weaponry. Dig it. You could, if you wanted to, you know what, give me one sec, actually. Let me look up weapons that you might find. The weapons that I might be interested in, or even like, what could they do to maybe improve this mace?

Yeah, true, true, true. Maybe they could make the mace, they could polish it. Yeah, make it prettier, maybe they could make the angel's face less distraught. Yeah! You could find most simple weapons here and many martial weapons. So if you wanted like a proper sword, you could get that here. Okay.

Yeah, you see a single long sword. It is a bit banged up, a bit scuffed. And you can see it's slightly out of it. Maybe if you pull it out of its scabbard, you can see that there was once an inscription all down the blade itself that has been scratched. Oh, wow. I'd be more inclined to get it if it had the inscription.

Yeah, that's fair, that's fair. If you want to, you could try and work out what it used to say. It's not like a great job. Okay, yeah, maybe I'll give it a quick... Yeah, let's see what it tries to say. It's not like a great job. Okay, yeah, maybe I'll give it a quick look. Let's see what it tries to say. It once said for all use against tyranny. That is a nice

gesture. That's pretty cool. Yeah, maybe grab the sword, kind of like see how it feels in my hand, like the weight of it. You can tell that the blade is a bit loose in the handle. Yeah, this is a little bit loose, but I think, you know, with a little bit of love and care, potentially, alright. This is a little bit loose, but I think with a little bit of love and care, potentially, all right.

This is a Pentatron. Would you like the armor? Yeah, how much? Well, let us see how well it fits to you first. Oh, yes, of course. We'll try to do a fitting. He gestures to Magda, and she closes the door, and then begins lowering the blinds of

this area as well. Dragomir turns back to you and says, I'm very sorry, but you will need to at least partially closes the door and then begins lowering the blinds of this area as well. Dragomir turns back to you and says, I'm very sorry, but you will need to at least partially disrobe. Of course. Please, he says, your weapon belt. I will take your weapon. We will fashion you a new one.

Maybe look at the mace and it's just like, I don't know. This was, can you do anything with this? If you buy the armor, I could clean it up a little if you wanted. Yeah, that would be lovely, actually. I believe, aside from that, it is beyond my workmanship. Yes, yes. Simple cleaning it off.

And that long sword over there, if you buy the armor, you can have the long sword for free. That's not suspicious at all. I just, I'm like, a bargain. Thank you so much. It does need, I think it does need a little bit of tightening with the hilt and the blade. It just seems a little bit of a... He nods. I will see what I can do. It seems like he's trying to rush you into the armor.

Thank you very much, Dragon. Yeah, you... No. He just seems keen to make the sale. Thank you very much. Yeah, good. I shake his hand. He shakes your hand.

Thank you very much. You are so kind. He's just a salesman. That's all. So what is the price for the... If it fits me, it looks very nice. What is the... I'm an easy market.

I want to buy this armor. I've already been sold. Yeah, you already sold me armor. It's happening all over the world. How much for the.... What is the... I'm an easy market. I want to buy this armor. I've already been sold. Yeah, you already sold me armor. It's happening all over the world. How much for the... How much for the... I would be able to let it go for perhaps 50 gold. 50 gold?

Yes. Sold. Well, let's see if this fits me. Take this robe. Give my belt away. Magda begins collecting your clothes and your belt. She walks over. Please, a little bit more central.

You're going to have to be a cult. He leads you away from the corner where some weapons are. Yeah, good, good, good. I don't think that's suspicious. I'm measuring myself. I maybe even present myself up in a standing up store. Maybe even like T-posts. Magda looks at you and says, would you like

some tea? Um. While we fit you. Do you have any coffee, actually? She looks at Dragomir, Dragomir looks at her, for a brief moment, their faces go blank. I'll, I'm And then expression returns. Because the only way you can get tea, coffee, nice coffee,

is if you order in. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Of course. Of course, dude. Of course. This is fine. Yeah. Well, like I said, all you spot is that their faces like lose all expression for a second. Then I immediately apologize.

I'm like, oh, I'm so sorry. Yes, the blue water inn is where you get the coffee from. I'm so sorry. But no, no, I'm okay. But thank you for the offer. Magdal looks at you pointedly and says, please, it is custom for a fitting to come with a cup of tea. What is your insight?

You're so trusting. It's so stressful. It's a low wisdom for a paladin. Yeah, look, hey, it's, well, you don't have to say yes. All I'm saying is that you believe them when they say it's custom. You have no reason not to believe them. Why would I? Yeah.

Well, of course. Yes, I'll have a tea. This is going to be a nursing of a tea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not downing it in one. I'm not going to, because again, I've just had two coffees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot of liquid. I'm not, I'm just going to be a nursing of a tea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not downing it in one. I'm not going to, because again, I've just had two coffees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot of liquid.

I'm not, I'm just going to. You're just kind of doing it out of courtesy, really. Yeah, and maybe a sip, and then I'll put it down and keep chatting. Maybe distract them enough so I'm not. Magda pushes the tea on you. Yeah, I will have some after the fitting. No, she. All right, after the fitting,

they don't know there's a time limit. Magda says, but please, you must finish the tea. It is good luck, she says. You keep failing. I'm sorry. I'm like, I just... I've had so much.

It's a lot of liquid. You probably need to piss heaps. We'll do it after the... I kind of want to get the fitting sorted and made sure. I'm happy to have a conversation with him afterwards. Pip, you are sprinting across town. God damn it. God damn it.

Kribbit the amazing in tow behind you. What's Kribbit's speed, actually? I'd also like to make a concoction. Can I make a concoction as I move? Or do I have to squat down in the middle of a busy marketplace? It slows you down, but not by that much. The amount of... So it takes an action to create the concoction.

That's five seconds. Six seconds, yeah. It takes you 30 minutes to get there. I can lose six seconds. You can lose six seconds. So it's a dragon's blood for resistance. Alright, so it's a dragon's blood for resistance. No, so it's a devil's horn for resistance to magic, because it's probably magic

whatever's fucking up these guys. For me and I, for deforming magic so that whatever's on them, if I can't remove it from them I can maybe mess it up, and then I'm going to put it on an amethyst, because I feel like I'm going to need to throw it, just in case. The amethyst, because I feel like I'm going to need to throw it just in case. The amethyst, as you imbibe the materials into it,

the amethyst, maybe you've got like a little crucible, you're mashing up the formian eye and the, what was the? It was the formian eye and devil's horn. Yeah, you're mashing formian eye and devil's horn together, then you roll the aquamarine around in the little paste that you've made. And as you roll it around, you can feel it begin to vibrate. That's so stressful. Oh, yeah.

You know that once it's charged with energy now, and when it strikes a surface really hard, it's going to blow. My greatest fear is tripping over and exploding. But, yeah, so you create successfully a grenade fantastic you're sprinting across town oh that's right i was looking up cribbit for his speed yeah all right it's leave cribbit behind okay or it's bring cribbit with you what would you prefer how much longer how he is five feet slower than you. So if you're sprinting, you would get there. It takes half an hour to walk, 15 minutes to run. With Kribbit, it'd take 20 minutes.

Oh, look, Kribbit can catch up. That's fine. Okay. So you just sprint ahead. He's a little. He is heavy, though, as well. So he might slow you down a little bit. Whatever.

Kribbit can catch up. I think Kribbit can take care of himself. Make notes! He calls out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're going to need to make a, let's call it dexterity check. Okay. I'm sorry.

Do I fall flat on my face? You don't fall flat on your face. No, I'm not. Do I fall flat on my face? You don't fall flat on your face. No, I'm not that cruel. No, you're just, as you're making your way out of the blue water in, they keep wanting to be like a big thing, a big pane of glass is being moved. And you're like, that is it. No, no, it's just like a massive throng of people

just happen to be moving at that moment. You get buffeted by them. You keep sprinting. You encounter like, I guess like i guess like oh no there would be absolutely you could see floats and stuff like like obviously valakai is gearing up for some some sort of event it's not happening today but people are getting ready for it and there are floats that are out and about and being prepared and you can see some people are a mass of people are trying to move boxes and boxes

and boxes of flowers from one building basically to the next building they are getting in your way as well what would you like to do uh well can i just push through them i don't care if they they drop the flowers or whatever you with a strength check no concern to pip oh all right so you would unfortunately improper training, turn a successful skill check into a failed one. Okay, it's probably not worth re-rolling. Wait, no, I don't have a strength one. Never mind.

It's going to take you 20 minutes now to get there. I could have let freaking Krippit come with me. Oh, well. He might catch up. Well, he would have also slowed you down yeah so you encounter another set uh well what would this one be yeah actually it's just like a float itself just the wire frame is being moved it's it's not called wheels yet and some people are just lifting it across another road what would you like if i barrel through it will i wreck the float

you probably will you could try and think of other options as well anything jackson can think of pip can try yeah okay so it's like a big wireframe float yeah i mean your strength is pretty decent so you can just try to push your way through if you want yeah yeah yeah what's the quickest way through pretty much just barrel through i mean you could if you wanted to slide underneath you could try to find a way around With the wireframe how big are the gaps between say, certain sections of wiring?

Wow, that would be a check. Okay, okay I was imagining like chicken wire, but if I could slip through the wiring, then maybe I'd try and do that Alright, we'll call that a I'm going to call that a perception check to try and spot, I would say that it is akin to chicken wire, but it's in It's placed in such a way that there would be gaps

What's it a wire frame of? You Your perception check was not good enough Maybe then that's like people running at it briefly looking like where's the weak point where's an entry, realising there's none and then just barrelling through

It's going to take you 25 minutes now. Okay, that's fine. One of the town guard puts out an arm. Peep mandarin. Can I just high-five him and keep going? I'll call that I guess a deception check?

It's the same roll. You high-five him and you keep going. Get back to me later, and I'll keep moving. He's so shocked he does not respond. All right. You're only saving yourself five minutes. Maybe it's the difference between becoming a member of the cult and not. To be continued... the symbol, not the word, where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to Sants Pants Plus members,

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