D&D is For Nerds - Vampire Infested Barovia I #26 The Archmage

Episode Date: March 11, 2023

The party gets educated about theology as they encounter one of Strahd’s vampire husbands. Pip once again hurts the ones closest to him while Hecktor gets to experience being food.Want ad-free and even more bonus content? Just check out the Imagination Adventures show page on Apple podcasts! Music by the ever wonderful Lepidora, you can check out her music here. And head to peddlerspress.store to peruse our D&D themed merch store and help support the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem, ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Although you see no water from miles around, we are nevertheless marooned. Stranded in this nightmare called Barovia. To change metaphors, we are imprisoned. The mist that surrounds us are our prison bars, and Baron von Strahd our warden. As far as I can tell, there's no escape

except death, either his or ours. Hector, you hear fiddling. I start trying to call out. There's not much love left for me. But it's just a hoarse whisper oh my god

get a good boy card you hear I like duck back into our little into I cast light you see a light bobbing in the darkness alright like putting my head millennial gets up almost immediately.

Putting my hands over my head because I know the hail is going to fucking cane. Maybe even putting my coat above my head. I rush out into the hail in search of Hector. You see Hector dragging a go-gash. They are both wearing wolves. Okay, I push past you, grab a go-gash, and I gesture back, go to the fire, warm up. I help you, I grab with...

Eleniel helps as well, and, well, Kribbit can't help, but all of you, there is enough room in the lean-to for all of you to be inside. You all crouch around the fire. Kribbit, almost immediately, he goes to... All right, who needs it the most? I guess he goes first to you, Hector. And then, Hector, you regain five hit points.

I'm sorry. It's the best he can do. I would also like to add a... I made a... A gogash recovers 13 hit points. Hey, he's at least awake. A gogash sits up and it's just shivering. I bring out an agate,

a rock, which I've infused with an angel feather for healing, and I think that was it. I thought I said, no, hang on, I had something else attached to it to heal more. Where was it? Sorry.

Maybe I only had that Can I just use two angel feathers? Will that make it more healing? It wouldn't make it more healing You can use water as one of the ingredients So angel feather Were you going to use a rock, sorry? Yeah

And then water can be your third ingredient Okay, I'll do that Bit of water from outside Angel feather Agate Hold it above my head Crush it Have it explode over all of us.

Everyone recovers 10 hit points. I breathe that in. Yeah, like a dust settles over everything and everyone. It's like rubbing my throat. Thank you very much. That's okay. You sound fucked up. A wolf beats my throat.

Oh, I see. Yes, I can see the bite now. Yeah. I, um, I gestured to the, like, I can't heal. No, yeah, I think you've, uh, yeah, you, well, you, you know, do you know what's happening? Oh. I just know I realized that it's fallen to me. Oh.

Does this one need an explanation? Yes. Would you rather it from me or Privet? No, you see no water. No, not that one. Yeah, I shove your bag back into your hands. Well, yeah, so Vistani told me, Jackson told me that there's only a finite amount of divine magic in Barovia. Yes, because...

Have you ever seen the dwarves take a core sample of a rock? They take a core out of the middle of a rock, and in doing so, they get the various levels of strata. I would have used the, like, a well metaphor. Either way, it's just that whatever is in the divine strata above Barovia, I think you and possibly Yender, who is… Yeah, it was a hard fight. They got the… Is it the bone?

St. Andrews is… Yeah, they've got the bones back. That is good. But the point being, I think you and Yender have sort of sapped quite a bit of the divine energy, what little there was in Barovia and it's, I like gesture around, maybe I even like gesture to Kribbitz back where I assume the

javelin holes are still there yeah, so I think it's affecting the entire realm Yenda as well on that point I just like already like hands on head just oh fuck I have fucked up

it's not your fault I mean well it is it's the druids if anything they brought you here I mean you ought to blame that's still something that's still gotta be done man the number of things you gotta get through to get to Father Limmick

so that you can get to Strahd yep is every everybody's okay through to get to Father Lemic so that you can get to Strahd. Everybody's okay except on the point of Yenda in our fleeing of Velikai, she did get captured by the guard. But she's a people person. I'm sure she can talk her way out of it. The point is

let's not let it get to us for now and let's just focus on being warm and you getting dressed why is it every time you stumble into my presence you're basically naked did they take my clothes you'd be wearing your clothes okay i assumed you were in like your your uh unmentionables um no they wouldn't have stripped you down that far. I mean, they would have done a pat down for weapons and shit. Maybe they took your coat or something like that, but your coat will be with your pack. Did you at least, did we get, did we sort the-

Yeah, yeah, the watery mess is vanquished. That is something. Yeah. That was a tough encounter. Good job. Thank you. So that means that everybody is not ensorcelled? Yeah, the devil

worshippers and the churchgoers are back to normal. Being able to summon monumentally fucked up buddy. I say, before we found you, everybody was going to sleep and we were setting a watch. Get some rest.

And now I have to sit and watch? Oh, okay, that's much better i just uh am i am i seeing elaniel now for the first time no you met her before remember yeah yeah no but i mean like elaniel for the first time knowing that she's here oh yeah yeah you, yeah. You see Eleniel. And then I just look at her, look at Pip. You. Yeah. We sorted it out.

If you gesture between Eleniel and Pip, if you say we sorted it out, Eleniel gives you a look that says we have not sorted anything out, but she doesn't say anything. I was going to tell you did you no I suppose Carl's on the table

she came to me two nights ago after you left my room in a sort of drunken stupor came in through my window and I don't blame you for letting her know where I was I get it I'm sorry get some sleep

I've done Krivit begins playing a song I guess maybe Babelink apologising I've fucked a lot of things up and go to sleep You get a 8 hour short rest Can I use one of my healing dice?

Yeah sure of course you can Do you wish you'd rationed yours out like me, a genius? Well, maybe, but then again I'd be dead quicker. Wouldn't have even gotten the arrow off. Yeah. Fair point, fair point. You recover six hit points. Oh, god damn it. You're on 19.

Sorry, you recover six hit points. You're on 25. Oh, that's not so bad. The crib plays beautiful song for us. Oh, that's right. Yes, no, everyone recovers a little bit of extra hit points. Sorry, I've got to figure out what everyone else is doing with theirs as well. Maybe as we're sitting around this sort of smoldering campfire,

aches and the kind of thing that just living in a world of D&D, I imagine you would just be so used to just fading away in the night, still there with us you might not need to figure out a solution to this buddy I say so it is either one of

it depends what it is if this is a thing where she needs to recharge then it's just a matter of not casting holy magic for a long time. Just time. Or, if it is about belief,

how hard is it to convert the Barovians? Start a major religion. Not easy. No. Least of all here in Barovia. If, um, well, I guess, I guess, if, okay. I guess if everyone was assuming that it was the morning Lord.

Yeah. But it was actually Peniel. Okay. It is maybe not too bad. Either this will cause more people to believe or will turn more people away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to have some interesting effect. That's for sure.

So the, um, your strategy, go. Yeah. We either need to, um, find her, I think. I mean, I suppose such a thing is feasible. Little portions of heaven trapped as well as the material plane. Or find something else. How do you normally get to heaven? Live a good life.

Yeah. Who is the god you were praying to, Elenia? Elenia stops, opens her eyes. She had had her rest, but she was kind of just in quiet self-meditation. While she's doing that, oh, over the course of the night, as the sun rises on the next day, if you will, the razor hail turns back into rain. It's heavy, but not as heavy as it was.

Visibility is down, but not poor, shall we say. It's not like sheets of gold anymore. Is... Agogash is... Agogash has his little dragon chest set laid out, and he's contemplating his moves. Yep. Okay.

As an elf, does that mean her long rests are every four days? No, no. Unfortunately, it's the same. She just doesn't need to spend as much time... She doesn't spend as much time sleeping. That's the way it works. It doesn't actually affect the amount of time it takes her to

rest. I'll ask Elenia about her... I speak to the Guardian of the Skies, she says. You... Oh, yeah. Good. Good.

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Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Actually, they've got many different names. Often they are seen as like a type of fae, but they are also seen as an aspect of nature. There are three of them. There's the Warden of the Forests, the Warden of the Seas,

and the Guardian of the Skies. The Guardian of the Skies is a deity of the dead who watches over the afterlife and is responsible for the renewal of the world. They're kind of like the life cycle god, basically. Okay. You know that the Guardian of the Skies has no physical form, or the elves do not believe that it is a fae with physical form.

It is a fae that takes, it is just all nature, basically. Or, no, sorry, not all nature, sorry. It is the life cycle itself. So when something dies and something new grows from that, that is the guardian. I think we were in their realm a little earlier. You know that the, so the guardian of the skies, their realm, if you will, is called Esham Amil,

which is Elven for the ethereal plane they believe the ethereal plane is ah esham amil i think we we were there briefly there is a lot of just trail off a bit she nods it is possible for someone to travel there i have never been though she says she quite clearly does not understand what you mean by you're in you're implying with the many people you've seen she quite clearly does not know what you're implying it's confused by was it was it like this is being like yeah i went there was it pretty like like was it just was it was it very beautiful was it very it was it imagine just the material realm but everything looks like it's made out of smoke. Okay, okay, okay. If you find

that idea pretty in a way, which many people could, if you find that pretty, that is up to you, but yeah, that's up to you. Okay. It's got like a sort of like a natural sort of beauty to it, yeah. Sure. It was very

beautiful. So there's we know that there is Penia is here, we know that there is, Penia is here. We know that this, the elven, the guardian of the sky is here. The werewolves, they were also worshipping a god. Well, yes, but was that god actually present or just? Have you ever spoken to this guardian of the skies? I say doing my best not to sound skeptical. none of the werewolves cast any divine magic correct not that we saw not that we saw you cannot speak to the guardian of the skies it does not work like

that you might as well speak to gravity itself i want to try to explain the different philosophies of like the elven gods versus like the human pantheon versus like a to to pip maybe start to and be like it's a bit it's more like a nature yeah never mind um either way they have power here okay well that's great that's someone right Right? Would I think that the guardian of the sky has power here? Or at least some power here? Well, the elves don't see gods the way humans see gods. The elves worship, literally they worship forces of nature. Yeah.

So it's not like they're thinking, oh, Penny is looking out for me. They're like, oh, this is how things, this is just like, it's like worshipping gravity. Yeah, I'm trying to think of the different almost magic systems. Because we've also seen druids turn into, would they be getting their kind of stuff also from like the sort of nature? You're not sure. You don't know. Oh, well, druidic magic is complicated. It's hard to say where the magic comes from so there's just a lot of

different uh i guess powerful beings that are i guess also trapped in barovia so but who's contributing the sort of the healing the the cycle of hell penia would be contributing to the healing, and if we're draining her, we either have to recharge her, or we find an alternative. Was that sorry? We find an alternative. Yes. Yeah, that might be the easiest one than trying to introduce a new religion to Barovia. All right. With that, Eleniel steps out of your little lean-to into the rain.

She pulls the hood over her head again. She turns back to you and she says, I know where we are. I can lead you back to Valakai, but I will not enter it with you. Of course. Fair enough. If you wish to go back to Valakai, she says. To free your friend, perhaps?

You and I and Kribbitz, are we're wanted still yes yeah oh yeah oh yeah big time big time we are big time wanted your invisibility kribbitz how long does it last invisibility uh the spell you call invisibility but what Grung call is not important. What Grung, it lasts for up to an hour so long as I focus on it. But I can only cast it once normally. Today, cannot cast at all. I see. Yeah, that's tricky.

I know there are four other dragonborn in Malachi. I suppose I could try and impersonate one of them. Well, Gorgash here. He is not wanted. Yeah, that's true. I guess Gorgash could go in. With a flourish, Gorgash puts his little pawn down

and then packs up his set. Perhaps we could go to the... Go to the outskirts. Gorgash goes in. Maybe sees where... Maybe... Have no... See where Yender might be. Yeah.

We could probably... Before coming here, I went to the Vistani camp, kind of against my will, but I went there. They could look after us in the interim. They gave me somewhere to sleep then. Really, Vistani?

And then perhaps we leave it in... At least we wouldn't be in this lean-to. Yeah, of course. Let's go there and then we will see what else we can do. How far are we? Was there any other lake? So the lake we got the watery mass. So was that the only lake?

That's the only lake around. Yeah. So is there any other bodies of water that was north of? There's Lake Baratok. Oh, north? No, no. Baratok is to the west. Okay.

Do you want to see a map? Well, you've got only Pip's map. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pip's map. Okay. I'm saucy. Keening is North of Maybe when you say Keening's name

I lock eyes with Elaniel And then look back to Hector Elaniel pauses at that Keening is alive? Apparently yes So they say Keening is north of Barovia North of Valachai near a body of water is

is is that the lake was the only one perhaps i if he is alive she seems to kind of like lose herself for a moment perhaps not all hope is lost that's funny yeah hurtful yeah it's rude is that the only is that the only body of water was the she nods the only body of water worth talking about

at least I mean yes if they speak of a body of water there is none other they could mention why don't you go back

to the lake to see if there's anything there anything that we can perhaps use it's probably worth going back to the at least where the watery mass was and perhaps seeing what we can find on those bodies.

Perhaps not contributing to any possible Keening talk. All right, so is the plan to go back to Lake Zarevich? Yes. Yeah, I think so. You return to Lake Zarevich. It is abandoned at this point. You see the direst wolf corpses has not been moved. The watery mass is gone.

At this point, it is completely melted away. It's like it was never here. Didn't leave an awesome froth. The water could potentially be frothier than usual. You're not sure. There is still all of those boats pulled up onto the shore you see no one out at the lake which pip you would mark as being unusual i mean obviously a big event happened last night yeah so maybe that could be affecting things like maybe maybe the valakavians are like well it's probably best not to go fishing at the moment

but it is unusual for no one to be on the lake right now. Okay. Where are any of the fishermen, I say? Well, it was the... There was a festival of... Where is the fisherman? Where is the fisherman? Where is the fisherman? There was a festival of the burning lights?

Yeah, maybe the red... And then the next day was the feast of the St. Andrew's Feast. Okay. Is that a particular thing? Is that a particular thing? Like you were part of that parade, briefly. Yeah.

It was the parade first and then it was the next day. Yeah, the parade was yesterday. I mean, it's a big celebration. Yeah, maybe they're taking the, I mean, like, I wouldn't want anything's auspicious here in Barovia, but maybe they're just... I guess you wouldn't put it past the Burj Al-Masjid to be like, attendance is mandatory. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe they're just forced to. And also, I mean, would you come here after what happened last night? Although I suppose you wouldn't know. Yeah, I don't know. But it's odd. That's all. Maybe I'll start going around the area to see if there's anything worth picking up. Anything that has been left behind.

Anything of value. The Dyrus Wolf. Maybe I'll bet Pip, the Dyrus Wolf. Oh, yeah, yeah. Can you? I like to imagine as Pip's like, it's odd. That's all. He then plunges a knife into the tower.

You get a single dose of Wolf Heart or Dyrus Wolf Heart. That's good. Yeah, but that's unfortunately heart. That's good. Yeah, but that's unfortunately all. That's all good. You didn't roll very well. Aside from that, the group fans out and does a little searching around. You find that there is nothing of interest at the lake.

If he is somewhere here, he must be further afield. I meant like items and loot. Oh, items and loot. No, there's like a lot of mess from last night. But unless you want like a burnt out torch. Yeah. Unfortunately, nothing else has really been left behind. Okay.

Put the Dyrus Wolf heart in my bag. I cannot see any. No. I cannot see any sign of Keening. What did she say? She said, buy a body of water, body of water. Did she mention what state he was in? No, she just said it was north of, near a body of water.

Where does this? Elaniel crouches down. Go to. Puts a hand on the earth in front of her, closes her eyes, and she's just quiet for a long moment. All right. This is what feeds the lake. front of her, closes her eyes, and she's just quiet for a long moment. Alright. What feeds the lake? Unnamed mountains to the north. To the north is Mount Baratok, which you know is within, like you could see it kind of through the

mists if you squint, but Mount Baratok is in the mist. Streams coming off Mount Baratok and others like it. And they said that's where the water comes. Anod? I think the best option is to, I guess we start hiking. I sense, Eleniel speaks up, I sense a presence to the north, undead.

She stops for a moment. That is a lot of undead, she says. Is such a venture safe then in the state we're in? Like look to everyone? She twitches once. Something fights them. Oh no. I think that we probably do not have time to wait.

I don't say anything, but I'm not stopping anyone. Do we have any other we only have the we only have the one no we have several horses yeah one less yeah yeah you had one lesson you didn't have enough yesterday yeah oh well no you have uh what is it two horses so eleniel can ride with oh fuck i guess with youector. She's most comfortable riding with you. She insists on being the one riding, though. You can hold her from behind. And then...

Me and, uh... Is it like a go-gash? Does not... If that horse can't hold that many people... If, because we are dealing with... Just the horses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If a go-gash, you are the one... You're not wanted in Barovia. Because we are dealing with horses, if Agogash, you're not wanted in Barovia.

You're not wanted in Valikai. Perhaps if you can go down there and see what has happened to Yender, maybe... Agogash nods. As the only person here who is beloved still by the people, I will go and search for Yender, of course. I'm sorry. He walks up to Kribbit, holds Kribbit's hand, and Kribbit looks at him like for the first time ever. Kribbit obviously understands common, but Kribbit's not acting like he understands common. Kribbit's somewhere else. He holds Kribbit's hand and he says,

I know that missing the love of the people will hurt you most of all as the only one they ever actually loved from the beginning. I understand the rest of you do not know his pain. I was so sure that a go-getter was going to go up and be like,

I'm so sorry that I the protagonist will be leaving your story behind I should save that for later that's good well perhaps if you could speak to Claudia at the orphanage and in Chauncey

and find a place for him there I will do this my good friend speak to Danica and Erwin. Tell them the watery mass has been dealt with. Yes. I will do this, of course. Give him some gold or whatever. No, it's okay.

I can spare it, but you could not. Yes, just for Dog and Jeska. Please, let it be but you could not. Yes, just for Torg and Jeska. Please, let it be my gift to you. I will do this, of course. Good luck to you. I fear what could happen to you without my assistance. Well, thank you very much. Good luck.

So humble. He scoffs. No, I need it not. But I will accept. Thank you. You are, as always, so generous with what little you have. Gagash turns and leaves. Nodding my head, eyes closed.

Yeah, that's good. Good stuff. Eleniel, as he leaves, Eleniel doesn't say it straight away, but she definitely doesn't wait until he's definitely out of earshot to say, is he always like that? Yeah, he's from another dimension. I don't know, different convention. Maybe it's normal where he's from.

Not out of earshot, you said? Well, he might be. You're not sure. If I'm noticing that maybe he's not out of earshot, I will talk. I can't talk loudly i will talk i can't talk loudly over pip i can't talk loudly yeah yeah yeah just be like very kind and yes of course he's very kind on his fault every everyone you know wherever he's from maybe everyone's rude i don't know all right and you set off yep you ride a ways. Every now and then Eleniel stops and gets off the horse.

She kneels down, puts her hand on the earth, and you see she spends a little time just kind of taking in the surrounding area. She gets back on and then keeps leading you in a certain direction. Eventually, it doesn't take long. You're only going for like 10 minutes, maybe that. You can hear the sounds of boom, boom, boom, distant explosions, and the earth rumbles beneath you. On the side of Mount Baratok, there is a, like a scar within the earth itself. Barovia has always been hostile, to say the least. But this feels like something else entirely. been hostile to say the least but this feels like something else entirely this scar that runs of course through the forest is made out of blackened awful stone that looks like it is cursed lying

upon this stone are mounds and piles and tons of corpses you see it looks like two armies, two great massive hosts slammed into each other at this point, creating kind of like a crest of corpses. It's like they pushed into each other until they became, until they almost fused into one. The amount of corpses is incalculable. You look in one direction, you look in the other. It is a solid wall almost of corpse. There are, all of them are soldiers of a sort. You see that they fly two different colors. Oh no,

sorry, you see many different banners. But on one of the two sides, you see a great deal of that one banner that you recognize. Yeah, two mighty hosts clashed here. Standing atop the mound, you see a man standing completely

alone. All around him, scrambling up the pile are, Pip, you recognize them in an instant, vampire spawn. There's dozens of them. They crawl over the corpses like ants over a picnic table. And every now and then,

as they move past the corpses, you see one of the corpses jerks, moves, and then turns to look up at this solitary figure, and then, by some strange magic, one of the corpses in the pile becomes a zombie, which also begins dragging its

way towards the figure. Every now and then, the figure turns and, bam, smotes down along the mountain and blasts a massive gouge. After a few of these shots, Hector, you see that this wizard or this sorcerer or whatever, they have tremendous power. With a mere flick of their wrist,

entire waves of vampire spawn are destroyed in an instant. If I see Pip noticing Keening, as soon as I see that, if we're in that sort of like that horse is sort of next to that, maybe I'll just sort of reach out and grab Pip's hand and just give him like a reassuring squeeze. Subcon, Pip is absolutely somewhere else right now. I'd just take the hand without really thinking about it He turns and in what sun there is in Barovia

you get a good look at him He wears a worn brown denim coat beneath which he has just a simple shirt He wears simple, maybe matching pants You see he has high boots with spurs on them Draped over his shoulders he is wearing a poncho. Yes. And on his head, he wears a, for lack of a better term, cowboy hat.

Yes. When he turns around and he points at another group, you see he points his hand in kind of like a pistol-like motion. Obviously, you don't know what a pistol is. But he points it in a pistol like motion and when he starts fanning his own thumb bursts of fire streak down to hit people down below he pauses as he sees you entering the clearing you can see sweat heavy on his brow has made its way down into his thick, wiry, now unkempt beard. When he sees you

shock all over his face, he looks down at your little group and he calls out, Pip, and then a zombie grabs his arm and sinks its teeth into his arm. I'm off the horse.

I'm off the horse. Let's go to initiative. I'm off the horse. I'm off the horse. The moment the... Let's go to initiative. I'm off the horse. Keening cries out in pain, pushes the zombie back, and with his one good hand now, he makes one of those pistol gestures again, and an explosion rocks half of this corpse hill,

if you will. When that happens, it loses some stability, and Keening begins sliding down along the corpses he rolls and comes to a stop one of the vampires spawn one of the remaining vampire spawn stands looks at him looks back to you it's like a feral creature almost and then it looks up gazing with purpose towards the top of the pile at At the top of the pile, you can see where Keening was a moment ago. There is another person.

You see standing at the top where Keening once was is a quite handsome young elven male. He has wavy blonde hair and a kind smile that does not reach his eyes, if you know what I mean. smile that does not reach his eyes if you know what I mean. He has the sort of appearance that like, he has the sort of appearance that if you turned an ambush predator into a human being, the sort of

appearance they might have. Okay. He is also quite clearly a full-fledged vampire. Actually, Pip, sorry, I'll just quickly roll because you might just know who this is. Yeah, Pip, this is Escher, one of Strahd's

consorts, one of his top lieutenants. This, the watery mass got nothing on this fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Fuck. Alright, we... Alright, that was Keening's turn, then Pip, it's your turn. Alright, can I reach Keening? Yeah, you can run to Keening if you want. Okay, I would like to run over to Keening. He's turn. Then Pip, it's your turn. All right. Can I reach Keening?

Yeah, you can run to Keening if you want. Okay. I would like to run over to Keening. He's like just lying prone, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd like to run over to Keening. I'd like to like scoop an arm up under his shoulder so that I'm basically cradling him. And then take the arm that was bit by the zombie.

And like I look into his eyes and I'm like, Woken, I'm so sorry. And then I'd like to grab his hand and bite it off. Grab it in my jaws and just tear through the bone and the flesh and the sinew. Why did he do that? Keening's gray, dusky eyes get wide

and then kind of his eyes kind of roll back into his head with pain as you tear his hand and lower arm from his body. That was your turn. It's Kribbit's turn. Kribbit spends his action writing. Fucking Kribbit, you little frog cunt. Hector, it's your turn. Do I know what just happened? I have told you about zombies hard in the past.

Yeah, that's true. And if one bites you, you'll get Bogman's Frenzy. You are aware that Pip has been afraid of a disease called Bogman's Frenzy. Okay, okay, okay, cool. But you don't know the specifics. All right. of a disease called Bogman's Frenzy. Okay, okay, okay, cool. But you don't know the specifics. All right. I'm going to... I feel such like...

I feel like such a piece of shit every time I'm casting something holy. But at the same time, I'm like... Real son of a bitch. So what's between us and, I guess, Keening and Pip? Or me, Keening and Pip? There's nothing.

But to either side of Keening and Pip right now, there are a total of five zombies, two on one side, three on the other. The one vampire spawn, and then Escher. You don't know it's Escher, but you do, like, from context clues alone, you know it's an enemy standing atop the mound. And I can get

cast channel divinity, turn the unholy, not happy about I'm so sorry, and make a beeline to these. How often do you get that back? That's a short rest, Adam. Oh, that's not so bad. There you go.

That's nice. I feel plenty of people notice it. Yeah. Of the five zombies, four of them begin scrambling away from you in fear. One of them does not. The vampire spawn, the one near down the bottom, does not become afraid, and Esha does not need to make a roll. That's good to know.

He can't be turned. Canal. Okay. Cool. Was there anything else, Hector? No, just trying to like, okay, let's go, let's go, let's go. Then it is Eleniel's turn. Let's go, let's go. Then it is Eleniel's turn.

Let's go, let's go. Well, with that last zombie then, Eleniel starts firing. Twang, twang, critical hit. Eleniel's first attack. Wow, Eleniel's doing pretty fucking well. And then. Don't need to sound so upset. No, I'm upset no I'm happy

I'm happy for you you've had such a hard time an easy like you deserve an easy fight I would like a no fight I'd like a day

or an hour I'd like some down time that'd be nice palm piercer quadruple damage and you are unable to cast spells that rely on somatic components that's not a big deal.

Poor zombie. Yeah, poor zombie. No, that zombie goes down. She blasts that zombie. I forgot how they work. No, she doesn't. Never mind. She destroys the upper torso of the zombie. The zombie loses one arm

and it's so much chest that it has lost an entire pectoral that has just been torn away by an arrow. The what's left of the corpse does not stop. It turns Pip to look at you with its bottom jaw missing and its tongue just lolling out from its neck. Then it is the zombie's turn. At least it can't bite, right? just lolling out from its neck. Then it is the zombie's turn. At least it can't bite, right? I would argue it still can inflict Bog Man's rot.

Bog Man's frenzy, whatever I fucking called it. Yeah. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. All right, that's a hit. Uh-oh.

So you've got three options here. You can make a dexterity saving throw to shift the damage to another part of your body so that you don't... It hurts you, but it bites into your armor or something like that so that you're not going to get infected. You could make a constitution check to just resist. Or finally, you could make a oh no sorry it's only the two checks

I'm so sorry so you may make one or the other I'll make a dex check dex check yeah I'm standing near plus five

okay disadvantage finally get to use my fucking dexterity re-roll right I'm assuming yeah I'm assuming that's

because I fucked up wait wait, yeah. Wait, wait. Roll my skill check with advantage. Alright, so that just balances. Oh, it's not a skill check. Oh. Fuck. Okay. Oh, yeah. Re-roll my dex check then. Alright, you shift it onto a part of your armor. You will still take damage, but you are not gonna get infected this turn. You take

six points of damage. Fine. That's fine. As long as I don't get Bog Man's Frenzy. Is it a disease? What is it? It's bad. It's a disease, but it's a magic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a 3.5 thing, but I am transporting it into fifth ed because I like it. It's a magical disease, so you are not protected from it. Ah!

With my divine health. You're protected from other diseases and you will... I'm just draining Penny a left right and settle. You will... I just like the idea that no one's immune to this.

Escher looks down at you, and then you see he reaches into a pocket, pulls out a pocket watch, opens it up, checks the pocket watch, then shrugs and says, no, actually, he doesn't say anything. He just closes the pocket watch, turns around, and walks away. Okay. Good. I mean, bad for us in the future, but good now. All right. And then it is Keening's turn. Keening collapses.

He falls unconscious. Pip, it's your turn. Okay. He's bleeding heavily. Oh, God. Oh, the vampire's born. Oh, Pip, you're in trouble. Pip, you're in such trouble. Oh, no. Oh, the vampire spawn. Oh, Pip, you're in trouble. Pip, you're in such trouble.

Oh, no. Pip, the vampire spawn attacks you. Okay. Cool. Miss. Drama class 15? Yeah. Miss.

Oh, thank God. Lucky little bitch. Then it's your turn. Okay. Keening is... The vampire spawn is on top of you. Yep. And Keening is dying. Okay is on top of you and Keening is dying. Okay, fuck. Alright.

Okay, I'm going to... If I stabilize Keening, that's my whole turn, yeah? Yep. Is that my movement? No. But I'll get a tax of op if I try and flee from both the zombie and the vampire spawn. I stabilize Keening. I get a bad boy card.

You fail to stabilize Keening. Lose a bad boy card You fail to stabilize Keenick Loser gold please That sounded like you said Loser gold please Loser gold please Loser gold please Wait what kind of a roll Is stabilizing

It's a medicine check That is a skill check But what Does it fall under a category Wisdom Reroll With advantage Fuck you.

Get your gold piece back. Yeah, get your gold piece back. You stabilize Keenan. Thank God. Was there anything else that you wanted to do? There's nothing else I can do. Okay, cool. Get wild on Adam.

That's what I'm going to do. Then it is Kribbit's turn. Kribbit is done writing the cool thing that just happened. And he's going to... Fuck, he's got one first level spell left uh he thinks about it he doesn't even want to get involved in this oh my god he casts a spell but he makes it a cantrip he casts vicious mockery and he's going to viciously mock the vampire spawn. Can I make myself laugh? You are dumb.

Nah, that wasn't a great laugh. You still made yourself laugh, though. You're chocolate. Well, it doesn't matter because the creature makes its saving throw, so I don't think it takes any damage.

Alas. Waste of a laugh. Yeah, waste of a chocolate. Back, back. This one could have done better. Hector. Okay, well, I'm going to... Waste of a laugh. Yeah, waste of a chuckle. Back. This one could have done better. Hector. Okay. Well, I'm going to...

One zombie, one vampire spawn. Ooh. What do I know? So the zombie got pretty badly by... Eleniel. Yeah, it's pretty fucked up. Okay. Vampire spawn, though.

Poor boy. Okay. Okay. I'm going to try and... Okay, one... Just. Okay, I'm gonna try and... First attack, I'm gonna try and swing with my mace, one-handed, at the zombie.

At the zombie, okay. You hit it. How much damage do you do? A d6, just that in? It's a mace. So, what was it? That sucks. You deal four points of damage. a d6 just it's a mace just a mace so uh what was it that sucks you deal four points of damage

you cave its head in and it collapses excellent good job and then I will with my second attack

I will hit the vampire no kidding you miss the vampire spawn grabs the mace I raise my shield oh yeah you're gonna need to gross that was Hector No kidding. You miss. The vampire spawn grabs the mace. I raise my shield.

Yeah, you're going to need to. That was Hector. It is Elaniel's turn. Elaniel starts firing. Miss, miss. Arrows just pepper the vampire spawn, but the vampire spawn grabs your shield and then wrenches it in such a way, Elaniel just barely misses hitting your arm

Hector. One of the arrows goes in between your ring finger and your middle finger. Cool shot. Another arrow splits that one in half. Then the zombie is dead. Well, the zombies are either fleeing

or dead. It is the vampire spawn's turn. You see is the vampire spawn's turn. You see as the vampire spawn's wounds knit and close over. It is going to attack you, Hector. Great news, Adam. Get got. That's a hit. That's a miss.

Okay. It slashes at you with its claws. What's about to happen? It starts grappling you, Hector. Oh, good. You take 11 points of damage. Excellent news. You're on four hit points.

Yep. And then it begins trying to grapple you. All right. Okay. It's dragging you in. It opens its mouth. Mm-hmm. And then it is... Pip, your turn. Do I... You you've seen this before you know what's about to happen

yeah yeah yeah do vampire spawn care about religious iconography um i'm gonna say manuel the monster says that vampire spawn can they won't run away but they will fear a religious symbol if it is presented with genuine genuine belief that it will help my hand goes to my neck where the little grinning skull like hangs

and then goes beyond that to my crossbow and I fire twice alright cool cool like hangs and then goes beyond that to my crossbow and I fire twice. All right. Cool. Cool. You hit twice and you will deal quotation marks damage. Can I make one of them a pinning shot?

Sure. Yeah. That just reduces its speed. Unfortunately, it makes the saving throw. Shit. It will take 5 8 11 points of quotation marks damage

Okay alrighty That was Pip's turn It's Kribbit's turn Kribbit's got us right He's fine Kribbit's got us Kribbit's our man He hits That's magic too Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- bolt that pierces straight through the creature's arm. Hector, it's your turn. I would like to cast Sacred Flame

into its face. Okay, is that a deck saving throw? Yes. It fucks it up. How much damage? 2d8? 2d8. It is radiant. Are vampires good against it? They hate sunlight. Radiant damage prevents it from

regenerating. That's something. That's quite useful. You blast it. The vampire spawn hisses at you. You've definitely made an enemy who was going to try and kill you first. Did it stop grappling me? No. That would be your action.

I see, I see, I see. It is Eleniel's turn. She fires twice and misses twice. Fuck. She's having trouble hitting it because you are in the way, I'm going to say. She's trying desperately not to hit you. It is the Vampire Spawn's turn. El's Vampire Spawn. All right.

You get bit, buddy. God damn it. Fuck. You get bit. You take 5 points of piercing damage Okay I don't like that there's

You know like It's just in the cadence Of Adam's voice Yeah And is coming next Yeah Then you take While you're at 0

I know that But you will still take 9 points of necrotic damage Your maximum hit points Are reduced by 9 Well I was I Your maximum hit points are reduced by nine. I got two hit points. Oh, were you? Okay, well, now you're on zero hit points.

I'm resistant to necrotic. Okay, so that will be instead four points of necrotic damage, which your maximum hit points are reduced by as well. So your maximum hit points is now 76. And I'm unconscious? Yes, you're unconscious. Here again. Here again. How sweet it is. How sweet it is.

All my stuff, yet again. And then the vampire spawn, Drinking Your Blood, regains some hit points. Oh yeah. God damn it. Oh yeah. Vampire spawn lets go of Hector, who falls to the ground. Keening is unconscious. It's Pip, your turn

okay, fuck okay, I'd like to call out to Eleniel and be like have you got any symbol for your god brandish it now and then I will fire

I'll just fire. I'll fire two shots at it, I guess. Ah, that sucks. Okay, damn it. That's really, really bad. Actually, no, I've got a flame breath left. Fuck the shots. I burn it with my mouth.

All right. It passes its saving. Throw how much damage? Oh, I know how much damage you do. Fuck. Well, it's only half. I mean, it's still half, sorry. It's more damage than I would do with my crossbow.

12 halved is 6. Okay. All right. You bathe the vampire spawn. It does not like this. It's fighting at the flames, but it unfortunately cannot avoid them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it speeds to... Not completely, at least. Yeah. And actually, can I start moving as well? Yeah, would you like to move? I'm fucking Hector's Fallen Unconscious, yeah. Not completely, at least. And actually, can I start moving as well? Yeah, would you like to move? But fucking Hector's fallen unconscious, too. Because I've got to drag Keening back. Alright, we'll kill it first.

We'll kill it first. Yeah. Alright. Hey, Adam. I'm unconscious. Yes. Turn the unholy happened. Zombies that have been...

Well, because again, it's not a channeled spell. Yeah. Oh, they are turned until. It's a minute. I think it says until a minute. Does it say a minute or until they take damage? Yep. Well, then you're fine.

Okay. That's fine. That's fine. You know what? Get a good boycott for being an honest little baby. Thank you so much. All right. Then it is Elaniel's turn.

Elaniel nearly drops her bow, starts fumbling at her breast. She pulls out a, on a chain, just like a little medallion. On the medallion is, you see it's split into two halves. At the top half,

there is a growing tree. And at the bottom half, there is a fallen tree, and at the bottom half, there is a fallen tree, which is obviously it's hard to depict this in such a small space, but you can see it is meant to be like rotted, but giving new life, basically.

She holds that up, closes her eyes, and you can see that she's entering a trance again. She begins speaking a tale to the guardian of the Skies. The vampire spawn freezes in place and then quite clearly wants to, it moves, by the

way, the vampire spawn does not move in a great way. It moves almost like a stop motion creature. The vampire spawn freezes in place for a second and then it makes like a biting noise and you can see it's trying to make its way towards Eleniel

but it can't. It can't actually get any closer to Eleniel. It's like there's a force field almost. Eleniel begins sweating heavily. Kribbit rushes over and tries to we're going to go out of initiative. The vampire spawn cannot get any closer,

but Eleniel cannot hold this up forever. Kribbit's going to try and help you move. Is it going to stabilize me? Oh, yeah. You want to quickly... Oh, no. Oh, Kribbit, you beautiful little bastard. I gorgeous, beautiful, love you.

I love this little grunt. Kribbit saved the last one. You gain five hit points. Yes. Hector? Yes. Oh, my God. Coming through with the fucking little.

Kribbit. Oh, my God. I was like, should I use this spell? Fuck. Get out. Kribbit, you king. Kribbit is king. I look at the vampire just gnashing its teeth.

We need to go. And I just grab Keening and I help drag. In the brief moments that it took for you to recover, the vampire spawn completely heals. It's like you didn't even hurt it. Cool. Good stuff. Yeah.

Let's go. Go. Go. All right. You, Eleniel holds position until you're kind of behind her. Then she slowly begins marching backwards. The vampire spawn, every time Eleniel takes position until you're kind of behind her. Then she slowly begins marching backwards. The vampire spawn, every time Eleniel takes a step back, it takes a step forward, but it's not as much of a step forward.

It's always trying to get closer, but you're always making a little bit more distance. Eleniel stumbles for a brief moment, and in that moment, the vampire spawn... Maybe when she stumbles, I brief moment and in that moment the vampire spawns Maybe when she stumbles I tap Hector on the shoulder and I'm like, pull out yours, pull out yours Put it away, whatever religious icon

you follow Your picture of Pena I grab my necklace, my medallion and I start praying to Pena You know what it's like now When Pena does this shit Fuck, it sucks it's like now when Penia does this shit. Fuck, it sucks.

It's like casting this spell, if you will, is like you need to physically do it. It's like you are actually holding the vampire spawn back. It takes as much effort to hold the vampire spawn back with your faith as it would to do it with your fucking hands. That Eleniel could do it for so long, you are impressed, to be honest. Yep, I just bite down. Between you and Eleniel, you are able to tag team the vampire spawn

until finally you lose sight of it and you are able to break and run. Get on the horses, get on the horses, get on the horses and run. You make your horses, get on the horses, get on the horses, and run. Alright, you make your way back towards Valakai. You ride long, you ride hard, and fast

as you can, and eventually you can see Valakai. The Slavage Woods part, and you can see Valakai in the distance with Keening slumped, unconscious, over the horse, all of you bedraggled and exhausted. At first, Valakai looks like,

even though you are wanted criminals, Valakai is like home safe. Oh my God. At least we have the cat. What? You see from the western half of Valakai massive plumes of black smoke. something awful is happening in valakai To be continued... Hey there, fellow adventurer. If you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content, we have just what you need to scratch that itch.

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