D&D is For Nerds - Vampire Infested Barovia I #4 Meet the Enemy

Episode Date: October 8, 2022

The party head deeper into the werewolf den and make an unpleasant discovery. Hecktor's fortunes keep coming true when they stumble upon the huntress and Pip gets more and more fed up with Emmanuel deMonster.Want ad-free and even more bonus content? Just check out the Imagination Adventures show page on Apple podcasts! Music by the ever wonderful Lepidora, you can check out her music here. And head to peddlerspress.store to peruse our D&D themed merch store and help support the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sans Pants Network. Although you see no water for miles around, you are, like us, marooned. You're stranded in this sad and lonely place called Barovia. To mix metaphors, we are incarcerated. The fog that surrounds us are the bars of our dungeon, and Baron von Strahd is our jailer. As far as I can tell, there is only one way out, and that is to kill Devil Strahd.

I'll start searching the area for an animal trail. If we can find somewhere the werewolves frequent, that would be ideal. But obviously not their den. You find almost immediately tracks and trails that the werewolves must clearly use there's many many many many wolf prints going back and forth presumably both the wolves that follow the pack but also the werewolves themselves in addition to that in among the footprints you can see drag marks presumably prey being taken back towards the den but in addition to that you see another set of footprints that are slightly off the trail. You can see that someone, a human of some sort, a humanoid of some sort, is here hunting.

Yeah, I'd point them out. Well, that might be the huntress that Madame Eva mentioned. Maybe. All in on this prophecy. Optimistic boy! madam eva mentioned maybe uh all in on this prophecy uh yeah optimistic boy he seems to be into into the prophecy as well well um or or it could be a god from krezik or uh somebody pyrrhon pipes up i mean if it's a god from krezik or what not the huntress presumably doesn't mean literally a female hunter it could mean

a lot of things just that they are hunting well yes it's just footprints either way it is good because they're hunting the werewolves

they're one person I say and together we would make five if we are in together as it were if they're alone

yeah in the den, they're fucked. Yeah. Well, to be here, they must be very confident of themselves. Pipsies are the stupidity. Yeah, I was about to say,

that is not a guarantee, though. I mean, like, you found their tracks. Yeah. All I'm saying is, you don't have a sense of smell like a werewolf does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I look at the tracks as well? Are we following Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, well, can I look at the tracks as well?

Are we following the track? What's, what's your plan? Pit basically. you could head, you could follow the tracks that leads towards the werewolf den, or you could go away from the tracks and set a safe ambush. I,

and yeah. And Hector, you are unable to, well, no, actually once, once they're pointed out to you, you can see the tracks as well. I'm cut. You can tell I'm cut. I'm annoyed by this, but, no, actually, once they're pointed out to you, you can see the tracks as well.

I'm cut. You can tell I'm cut. I'm annoyed by this. But, like, after a lot, maybe I go over to, like, a tree and I put my forehead against it and you can hear me just muttering under my breath like I'm cussing something out. I turn back around and I'm like, Go gas, drop the meat. We'll just do a full frontal assault, I suppose. Yeah, while he's having a tree mutter, I'll be perhaps

talking to Piran and Gorgash. Well, we could set a trap, but if this person is going directly to their den, I mean, a trap, and they're already distracted, we could be sitting here not doing anything. Perhaps we could use this huntress. Perhaps, while they are

using whatever the distraction, we could ambush them. So you're saying let's get the huntress and use her with the ambush as well. Well, I'm assuming that they are going and attacking the werewolves. Yeah. Even if Pip does think that is a foolhardy endeavor. If we lay a trap down, they might already be distracted because they're ripping into this person so if we go there and they're already engaging in battle or something along those lines

then we can come up from the rear as it were and use them as the distraction and attack the werewolves is my proposal. Well, Piran shrugs he doesn't seem to be too concerned about the like, eh, hmm. When you say that, Pyrrhon says, let me clarify this.

You received a vision of this person. Did the person giving you the vision, did they specify how this Huntress would be helping you? This is assuming this person even is said Huntress. Of course. But could helping you simply be dying for you? No, they did say that they would help us defeat Strahd as well as then help us in our Fairboyne problem. In my experience, fighting against destiny, fighting against prophecy,

leads only to exhausting oneself and then being dragged, kicking and screaming towards one's destiny. Golgash, drop the meat. We'll go save the girl. Fuck. A Golgash with a massive thump. You realize how fucking heavy this thing has been that he is carrying this entire time. And even, maybe Pyrrha just mutters under his breath,

Jesus, no, he doesn't say that. Elf Jesus. By Gaz itself, he doesn't say that. Elf Jesus. By Gaz itself, he says. Alright, we'll follow the trail. Are you being stealthy? Yeah, yeah, I think we would still be. I assume still be.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh. Oh. Oh. Hey. Adam had a good. Oh, no. You do about as well as you could. Given the circumstances. You approach the werewolf den. And let me just quickly jump to, I've got to get my notes on werewolf slaughtering party. Werewolf kills party.

He's on Google. What are werewolves? I didn't think they'd do this. Oh, no. Like I'm saying, you've got to hunt the werewolf. They're doing it. What are you doing? This is scary.

This is scary. They fought a werewolf. I don't like talking about it. It's scary. You see a werewolf. They've got teeth. Oh, my God. Get over there. I didn't like talking about him. It's scary. Okay. You see a werewolf. They've got teeth. Oh, my God. Get over there.

You don't want this. You don't want this. I'm scared. Run away. Run away. What do they look like? I don't know. Who knows?

You close your eyes because you're too scared. Oh, okay. A mountain faces before you. You can see that there is a cave in the mountain face. The opening of the cave looks very, very funnily almost like an open wolf's mouth. Let's not laugh too much. It's the book. It's not me.

It's a bit stupid. It looks like an open wolf's mouth. Even just point, but not subtle. Yeah. The open jaws of the wolf's head form a 15-foot-high canopy of rock over the cave mouth, held up by natural pillars of rock. The ceiling rises to a height of 20 feet inside the cave. Torches in iron brackets line the walls. From somewhere deep inside, you hear the echoing sounds of a flute.

Do I know what that means? It means someone's playing a flute, I suppose. Okay. I mean, werewolves in their human form could probably play a flute. Is there anybody out the front? There's no one out the front, no. And I can't hear the sound of, like, battle? No, no sounds of battle.

That's either a very good sign or a very bad sign. You hear the sound of a weapon being drawn, and all four of you turn around to see a person stalking towards you. They were moving low, and you could see that they had already drawn one weapon by the time that they'd gotten out the second, the one that you'd actually heard. In one hand, they hold an axe. In the other hand, they hold a silvered sword. the one that you'd actually heard.

In one hand, they hold an axe. In the other hand, they hold a silvered sword. She has long, curly, black hair, a bandana tied around her head, and is obviously kitted out for battle. You can see that she's got strapped to her body different vials and alchemical ingredients. Pip, you recognize a lot of these things as the sorts of things that any person

who carries an Emmanuel de Monster would presumably have about their person. And in addition to that, you can see that they have one metal leg and one regular leg. She moved so quietly that no one noticed until she basically has her sword at a go-gash's throat. I want to use mouth. Huntress. Under my, oh yeah, not mouth, whisper under my breath.

Oh, you would also recognize from her appearance you would recognize her as Vistana or Vistani that's the name of the people you're the huntress she

quite clearly she was quite clearly she was about to say something but you have thrown her you've knocked her

for six what do you mean by that madam Eva she said I would meet a huntress. You must be the huntress. I am Esmeralda. Nice to meet you, Esmeralda. You sneak just like I do.

You are not werewolves. No. Oh, she lowers the sword. Just safer to check, I suppose. Yes, yes. We were following. We went to be. I think we were following your footsteps.

It was kind of a relief. I could hear you behind me, so I doubled back to, I thought you were werewolves. There's a lot of us. We're not quiet. Okay. Well, that's good. I told everyone else she's not in danger.

So we could go for the trap option again if we wanted to, right? What is the trap option? We're going to dig a pit, hang some of the meats back in the forest. You got the raw meat to trap. I do not think mud will slow them down. Mud? What? A werewolf does not care for a muddy meal. They care only for fresh.

Yes, as in the dirt now, isn't it? It's supposed to carry on as before. Who are your people? I am Sir Hector, Dragon's Vein, Knight of the Cloth. And I'm Pip. And this is Mr. I just appeared, and Agogash. Agogash and Piran introduce themselves. Agogash does basically

the same thing he did with Piran, where he gingerly... Maybe you'd retreat a little bit. Of course, yeah. Yeah, we don't do it out the front of the box. Or away from the... As you retreat, actually, as well, Esmeralda says, you need not fear to deal with the entire pack.

I waited until full half of their number had stalked away. That's good, but that means we have a finite amount of time then, yes? I do not know where the Vervulves go. I think perhaps to hunt near Krezik, so I think we have at least several hours before they return. That is good. Then, Agagash introduces himself in much the same manner. He shakes Esmeralda's hand as if he's expecting to accidentally

crush it, so he's very gingerly. Esmeralda does not seem to mind that at all. She seems kind of absentmindedly... Every now and then, he watches her eyes flick back towards the werewolf den, and you can see that her mind is quite clearly elsewhere. Your business here, I say.

Piran maybe doesn't even bother to introduce himself, actually. If she doesn't care, he doesn't care. Okay. You're also trying to get into Krezik, I'm imagining? Krezik? No, I want to kill the werewolves. Oh. Did you happen to, I believe they're taking children, yes?

I suspected this but I have I am aware of Kresik but I have not been to Kresik. I assume they take children from Kresik. This is what you are saying? That is what I have. Then we should strike now.

We must get in there to save the children. The children and to kill the werewolves. What are they doing with the... Are they just turning them or they... I do not know what. Something villainous, evil. Turning, eating. I do not know.

Yes, less than salubrious. She seems pretty gung-ho. Yeah, I'm... Let's go. I'm not here for a haircut. I've sheathed my spear. All right, I'll take my bow and arrow. Crank it up.

All right. As you approach back, as you return to sneak your way in, I would say, just very quickly, with her, how keen she is to get in here and start killing. Hector, you do remember

Madame Eva's words, Huntress is dogged. They see their target and fly towards it like an arrow. But every time an arrow lands, it becomes more and more damaged. So it was important for Huntress to fly true, lest their time run out. I maybe just put like a hand on Esmeralda's shoulder and I say, just hang on a second.

Let's just take it slower. We don't know what's in there exactly. Perhaps we should draw them out. And I just did a pip. He has good cover fire with his crossbow. And we can fight in the open as opposed to whatever is in there. Better to fight in a field than a cave nine times out of ten. Why don't me and Gogash perhaps draw them out by being rather obvious

and then the three of you attack from the sides. I turned to Esmeralda. Like I think that I see Esmeralda as of a similar ilk to me. Yeah. So I trust her judgment. So I turn to her. Esmeralda shifts from one foot to the other, which you both recognize as an impatient gesture.

She thinks of it for a second and then says, I think I would much rather just step in and face them. You will need to make a persuasion check to get her to not just charge in. I do. All right, you make a convincing argument. You explain that that is maybe literally suicide. And Esmeralda, you're not sure exactly what you said, but something in what you said you realize strikes a chord with her. You're not sure exactly what you said, but something in what you said you realize strikes a chord with her.

You're not sure exactly what you said, but you found some mental trigger within her. And she stops moving from foot to foot, turns to you and says, very well, we will set a trap. Wonderful. Well, me, Esmeralda and Piran will secrete ourselves in the, because I'm assuming all three of us are pretty good at blending in. Sure. And, uh... Agogash and Hector will be the rabbit. Cause a din. I'll, uh...

make my, um, spear a magical weapon, and I will cast Pass Without Trace on myself. Okay. Be properly hidden. Esmeralda becomes invisible. Whoa! And Pyrrhon... Pyrrhon on myself to be properly hidden. Esmeralda becomes invisible. Whoa. And Pyrrhon becomes invisible, but through mundane

means. He's just really good at hiding. We're all so impressed. Yeah, it's all good. You and a go-gash approach immediately as you step within the cave. As you adjust to the different light settings, you can see that the cave splits into

two paths left and right would it be a bit more like uh as in we make a ruse as in me oh i see go gash maybe we start pretend like we're fighting out front of their cave uh or like loudly being like you said we were going to go to krezik this way and make a bit more of a loud commotion oh yeah sure i go gash maybe before you make the ruckus, a gogash looks to you and says, Make sure you keep your shield up. I do not wish to hurt you. Oh, gogash.

Of course. Once you get to the mouth of the cave, a gogash turns to you and says, You said Krezik would be this way, but we've been traveling north for ages now. No, I said that this way would lead us to delicious crabs. Little man, I will break your skull. I have had it up to here with your insults. Two people wander from inside the cave.

It's a woman wearing shredded clothing and a man also wearing somewhat shredded clothing, but you can see he's got like a nice jacket or a nice coat that seems untouched and he's wearing that over the rest of his clothes. As they approach you, you can see that they're both wielding spears. The lead one, the woman,

approaches you very cautiously but keeping enough distance so that if you charged her, she would have enough time to react. She says, who are you? I maybe also be backing away. It's like almost leading them out. Who are you?

They look at each other. Is this not Krezik? They look at each other. Krezik is a long way away, she says. I am Asiana, and this is Devanka. We are... They look at each other again. You're a long way from

Krezic, she says. I don't know if that is correct. I think Krezic is very close by. Basically act like a stubborn idiot. We should get Skenes, they say. Who is Skenes? Is he the mayor of this place? You wait right here. They turn around and go back in.

Okay. Yeah, I'm waiting patiently, stressed. They did not want to leave the mouth of the cave. They come back you hear the music stops and then they come back with a third person. Skenes is another man. He is a bit taller

than the two of them and you can see that his clothes look even rattier. He's barely wearing a shirt. Or, he's basically, he's hulking it. You know? This goes against my theory of not wearing a shirt is leader. Okay, okay. Maybe the more

visible skin, the more power you hold within the pack. Maybe it's nothing to do with your jacket. Yeah. An interesting theory. Unfortunately, all Emmanuel the Monster says is talk to them, which is not the most beneficial

advice. Skenes steps out of the mouth of the cave, but the other two, the man and the woman, they refuse to leave the cave. Skenes walks right up to you. Are you still backing up? Well, as long as we're in range of the other three. Moments before he's within range, Skenes has been talking to you,

and he says, who are you? And you are in a very dangerous place. What are you talking about? And then the trap is sprung. Yes. Before he's able to respond, Pip, you hear next to you Esmeralda kind of counting under her breath, and then she launches out of the underbrush. I'm like, you're the mayor of this town, right? She casts a spell.

She lets go of her axe, and it falls limply. You can see that there's a little leather thong that attaches it to her wrist. And with the free hand hand she casts a spell. Seven bolts of magical energy launch at Skenes. Healing magic, hey? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heal him up. The seven bolts of energy strike

Skenes, nearly knocking him off his feet. A go-gash understands that the battle is underway. He plants both of his feet. A go-gash understands that the battle is underway. He plants both of his feet firmly on either side of him, wider than his shoulders, and then he throws himself forwards, and at first it looks like

he's about to fall forwards, but then you see that the effect around his feet flashes, like the wind that puts all the stuff around him down. There's like an effect and you can see two lines like back to the future fire

lines behind the DeLorean appear on the ground and he in less than a second launches from where he is to next to the other two werewolves at the mouth of the cave. Then he rages. Hell yeah.

He swings his axe. In human form, he absolutely wrecks the woman. I'm going to have to spend my first... No, I guess I can use my radiant arrows on my first turn. I got to alchemy some shit together. Yeah, he beheads her. Oh, damn.

Mon dieu. She hits the ground dead. All right. All right. And then it... Oh, and then Pyrrhon spends his entire turn running really quickly towards... He maybe stops at about you, Hector,

and he doesn't want to get any clean watches as Ogagash kills that woman and then turns to you and says, Jesus. He does say Jesus that time. The elf one? Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, elf Christ. This is a surprise round. What would the two of you

like to do? Can I just cast Channel Divinity into the spear and make it a sacred weapon as well? Sure. Great. You drag your hand along your spear and it bursts into flame with holy light. I will fire off...

Does the killing of the beheading... I mean, I know it's been seconds, but the beheading of the lead werewolf or the lady werewolf, does that seem like it's caused any instant disruption on the faces of the other werewolves in the field? No, they seem if anything, more committed

to this fight now. Oh yeah, cool. Good shit. Alright, I'll pop off two bolts into, let's say Skenis. And yeah, those are radiant. And, yeah, those are radiant. They're my radiant bolts

that I made at home. Mark, home board is fine. You fire your two bolts. Unfortunately, your second one goes wide. But your first one does strike him dead center of his chest.

That seems to have hurt him quite a lot. Okay, good. Good, good, good, good, good. And then we'll go to initiative. All right. All righty. Skenes looks in horror as Asiana is beheaded. And then he looks back at you, Hector.

And you can see that there is like a firm setness. Like before he had kind of a curious or maybe even worried expression, but now he has an enraged expression. He curls both of his hands into fists and you see from like five feet away a werewolf transformation. His bones crack and elongate. His skin stretches and breaks.

And where the skin breaks, it explodes outwards with fur. He gets one explosion, one crack, one crack, another crack, another crack, until finally his skin is covered in fur. His muscles enlarge and become firmer and stronger.

He stands towers before you, nearly maybe twice your height. He could give a go-gash, a run for his money, in the muscular category. But, that is his turn. Pip. Alright! Okay, I will Hunter's Mark

him, and then I will fire off two more Radiant Arrows at him. They both strike him, and he cries out in pain. Clang! Clang! Ooh, yeah. He, the first bolt strikes him dead sternum of his chest. He clutches

at it in pain and agony, and then the second bolt strikes him in one of his eyes. He falls forwards, hits the ground, and reverts back to human form. Does he seem dead or just a guy again? He might not be dead, but he's certainly going to die if nothing happens to him.

Cool. Damn. Absolutely slaughtered him. Oh, yeah. It's a Goagash's turn. Goagash swings at the man, Davanka. Davanka. Davanka. All right.

First two blows hit. Third blow, critical miss. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. What? He beheads.

He beheads him in the first two hits. He doesn't need a brawl for the fucking third. Yeah, you've killed all three of them. I turn to Esmeralda. So there were three more inside then? Esmeralda shrugs and says, there will be around three more. I guesstimate that there are 12 in total.

I would have probably stabbed the leader. You finish them off, sure. Yeah, with the spear just to make sure. Piran stands up straight and says were they going to talk to us yes in retrospect perhaps a conversation would have been clever but i mean we did that with relative ease they're taking kids of course i just esmeralda nods they do not deserve mercy well It's just a conversation would help us identify the alpha, that's all. But it's too late now. No need to

identify the alpha if we kill them all, she says. I'm kind of like agreeing with Esmeralda and yeah, brandishing my weapon that is now like light. I'll head into the... Esmeralda leads the way. She hasn't stopped moving. While you're having this conversation,

she's kind of half shouting over her shoulder. Yeah, look, I'd be right at her side. I am, yeah. Yeah, I'll follow too. You enter into the cave. There is, in the entryway, you can see that the path diverges left and right. There is a raised platform, and you can see that the first two people who came out, they quite clearly would have been standing here watching, waiting guard. But obviously they're not here anymore.

And as I said, there's a path to the left and a path to the right. Which would you like to go down? Can we hear anything? Well, obviously the music has stopped. Yeah, yeah. You can hear down the right passageway the sound of moving water. And down the

left passageway, you can hear the sound of moving water and down the left passageway you can hear the sound of probably wolves i i turned everybody else it's not just going to be werewolves in here that there's probably also going to be dire and direst wolves and also just wolves regular there's a chance they'll all be in the one area i don't imagine wolves would just be i mean werewolves would just be howling in. I say we take the one where the running water is coming from. Possibly avoid a fight with direst wolves if we have to, if we can. Esmeralda looks at you and says, why would we avoid the fight when we are going to have it inevitably?

Well, we might only have to fight the werewolves, I say. Aren't these all a problem? Wolves are, but the wolves aren't intentionally taking children. They're just wolves. Well, let's go to the water then. Esmeralda is unhappy. Esmeralda dislikes that. But you head towards the sound of running water.

Yeah. A gash in the rocky ceiling allows the grey light and cold drizzle of the outdoors to seep into this dank torch lit cave. When an underground spring forms a pool of water, roughly 40 feet across and 10 feet deep, a five foot high ledge on the north overlooks the pool. So if as you're approaching, you can see the features are a giant pool, which quite obviously there's a crack in the ceiling and the the water in the pool is there through like rain and whatnot it's just collected from the crack in the ceiling over in the north it'd be northeastern corner so it'd be to your forward right there is a ledge and you can see that there's some stuff like crates and barrels up on the ledge. Past the water, and there is no path other than swimming to get to this, but past the water, there is a ledge that overlooks the water.

Does it seem like possible to climb up the ledge, or is the ledge pretty high? You'd need to wade into the water, but you could. I don't really fancy going for a swim yet. No. Can I tell anything about the water, like how deep the pool is or anything? Do you approach?

Yeah, cautiously. The water is not deep, but it's deep enough that you probably would be getting up to your like waist in the deepest sections of it. Okay. But it is like you could walk, you don't need to swim through this. You can walk through it. Can I see the bottom? Yeah, you can see the bottom.

Oh, okay. The crates and stuff, do they seem like untouched? Does it seem like we're in like a storage area? Because they're up on a ledge, you really can't tell much. You can climb up. There's a set of stairs that lead rough stairs. When I say stairs, it's not like a dwarf came in and made these. It's more like naturally from use.

Yeah, sure. A set of stairs have been created. But yeah, you can get up onto the ledge and have a look if you want. Doesn't really seem like a place they would keep children, does it? Doesn't seem like it, no. There's something being stored up there if you want to check, but... It would seem weird for the werewolves to have... Although I guess they need to eat.

Like they can't just be surviving on kid meat. These ones you can eat, as it were. That's so funny because I come like, oh, I can't eat these ones. No, no, no, these are the ones you can't eat. Like, I can't just be surviving on kid meat. These ones you can eat, as it were. That's so funny, because I come like, oh, I can't eat these ones. No, no, no, these are the ones you can eat. Well, I'll turn back to everyone and be like, I suppose this is a dead- unless we want to wade through the water, I suppose this is a dead end. Vooves it is, as Merelda says, turning around and walking back the way you came. Yeah. You come into this third room, and surprisingly enough, there's another ridge overlooking a large space.

Whoa. A five foot high stone ledge overlooks this large cave, which has a smoldering campfire at the far end, on the left hand side, about as far as the cave is. The floor is covered with gnarled bones. In among the bones, you can see there are nine wolves. Dire, diarist, or regular, i.e. dog. You just see a crowd of wolves.

One of them howls, and then let's go to initiative. Okay. Enjoy, Esmeralda I love how Fucking How salty Maybe Jackson and Pip is Should have waded through the water Oh none of us want to get wet

Anyone want boots This is entire party Should have waded through the water. Oh, none of us want to get wet. I don't want wet boots. That's his entire party. Well, it's more the, well, we can go that way, but right now there's no threat there. I like this line in Emanuel the Monster. Only fire will distract a feasting direwolf. Regular. Do they mean regular fire?

Regular direwolf. Regular wolf. Are there multiple kinds of dire wolf or do they mean not a direst wolf? Who's to say? Who's to say? Esmeralda goes first. You can hear the grin on her face.

It will be a pleasure. And then... Oh, she doesn't have any AOE. She just charges in. Oh, all right. Okay. Good for you, Esmeralda.

Yeah. This is a message for all the seasoned and aspiring DMs out there. Do you wish to treat your players like the common dogs they are by rewarding them with treats? Well, then do we have the solution for you. Our patented Good Boy cards will make your players feel like they're doing a good job while at the same time dehumanizing them without their knowledge. Are they mad at you? Deflect by telling them they're a Good Boy and hand out one of our Good Boy cards.

The complete deck of 50 cards is available from our website sanspantsradio.com slash shop with each having a unique ability your players can use in game or horde and never use like the dog brain idiots they are we also have bad boy cards available for when you want to treat yourself to something nice grab either or both in a bundle while stocks last. Once again, that's sanspenseradio.com. She swings and her first blow hits just the closest wolf. Her second attack also hits. And in her first round, she kills one of the nine wolves. Nicely done.

Then it is Piran's turn. Piran also charges in. What does he... Oh, he does have spells. Nicely done. Then it is Piran's turn. Piran also charges in. What does he... Oh, he does have spells. That's right. He doesn't charge in. Okay. That seems stupid, actually.

Piran, he casts Vicious Mockery. Oh, okay. Can I think of a wolf joke that will make me laugh? Yeah, love laughed double damage. So funny you could not amuse yourself. Yeah. These are just stupid dogs, he says.

And I amused myself before I said the joke. The joke's irrelevant at this point. Okay. The wolf takes... Yeah, another wolf dies. Alright,'s irrelevant at this point. Okay. The wolf takes... Yeah, another wolf dies. All right. These wolves are going down like fucking flies. These wolves are going down like weak wolves.

It's the wolf's turn. Ah, shit. Esmeralda is swarmed. We're going to go down like weak people. Who was behind Esmeralda? Me. So three wolves attack Esmeralda. She takes

some damage and you hear, whoa! And then she falls and she's in among the wolves now. Oh no. She is surrounded by wolves. You hear them snarling and snapping and tearing and biting at her. She's screaming, but you

can't see her anymore. Two wolves charge past and both of them lunge for you, Hector. That's going to be two hits, my friend. That's a shame. That's all right. You'll be fine. Well, you are in armor. Not a she.

Yeah. Would. Hector, you take 15 points of damage, and you are on the floor. Uh-oh. Hector, you are on your back looking up at two wolves. What would you like to do? Can I spear one and then spear the other? Well, can you?

Yes. Let's find out. Yes. You stab the wolf dead center of its chest. It yips and seems to have been hurt by that, but you have not killed it. Alright, then I'll go again to it. Alright. You stab at it from the depths of hell.

You stab at thee. Yes, yes, yes. Your second blow goes straight through the wolf's head. You twist the spear, throw the wolf off you, and then you can stand up if you want. Excellent, I'll do that. That's one less wolf. Sorry, I couldn't throw the wolf at the other wolf. Unfortunately, that would have been an attack roll and also very difficult.

It makes sense. Yeah, I hear you. I understand. We hear you. We're not happy about it, but we hear you. Yeah. In an instant, you see that rippling effect of Agogash's magical feet. You're not sure what that ability is.

But anyway, Agogash is standing next to you and swings at the other wolf attacking you he hits and he cuts down the other wolf nice so hector you no longer have any wolves on you but esmeralda is still clearly in trouble a gogash charges off in that direction but that will be his turn pip it's your turn uh turn now. I will Hunter's Mark one of the wolves attacking Esme, and then I will get down on one knee and twang, twang. Oh, actually, sorry, let me just quickly... Uh-oh. So, when the wolves...

As the wolves' numbers are being thinned, and as several the last few that are here are on Esmeralda, you can see that not all of the wolves have moved towards Esmeralda yet, and there are a few wolves past Esmeralda. You can see that not all of the wolves have moved towards Esmeralda yet, and there are a few wolves past Esmeralda, which have not yet

properly entered the fight. You can see these wolves. Both of them just have yet to act, but both of them howl independently. Okay. I mutter under my breath, wolves by howl or snarl terrible terrible fright if i hears then there is then regular i do sight do i interpret these as diarist wolves

no you don't think they're diarist you think they're just regular dire wolves okay but the other ones are just basic yeah the other ones just look like good old doggos well wolves are easy to kill the rest of the crew the four people in this room doggos. Well, wolves are easy to kill. The rest of the crew, the four people in this room can kill the rest of the wolves. I'll instead twang twang at the two dire wolves. Are these radiant bolts? I've only got one radiant bolt left and I'll save it for if we encounter another werewolf. So these are just regular.

Both of your bolts strike true. Actually, can I make one of those shots a defensive shot? That increases your AC by how much? I think it gives them disadvantage on attacking me. Oh, okay. No worries. Alright, you deal 25 points of damage to one of the dire wolves. Hell yeah. Regular dire wolves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it

is the dire wolves' turn. They recognize you as the superior threat over Esmeralda, so they charge past. How far back are you in the group? I'm kind of at the back. Okay. Because I was just staying at the back

so that I could provide cover fire pretty much. All right. One of the wolves goes for a go-gash then. One of the dire wolves, I should say, goes for a go-gash and manages to sink their fangs into a go gash. Oh no. The other dire wolf leaps,

runs along the wall for a little bit and then lands at the back of your formation. It attacks you. Oh, oh, oh. Pip, you feel searing pain and take 10 points of damage.

Well, Pip, you need to make a strength saving throw. Feel searing pain and take 10 points of damage. Well. Pip, you need to make a strength saving throw. You are on the ground as well. Yeah. Damn it. It's Esmeralda's turn. You hear her screaming from within the pile of wolves.

Call the medic, but not for me. Shut the hell up. A bolt of electricity erupts from the pile of wolves. With a yipping noise, two of the wolves fall dead, thrown clear of Esmeralda's body. There are still two. Sorry, there's still one wolf on her. And then obviously the two dire wolves. But apart from that, you're thinning out their herd.

Esmeralda gets to her feet. That is her turn. It's Piran's turn. Piran. Surely you can make yourself laugh again. If anyone can make you laugh out of it, it's you. I'm pretty good at it.

No, Piran's going to do something else entirely. He is... Piran turns around and he darts back towards you, Pip. He's going to try and fight at the wolf that... or the direst wolf with you. With his dagger and rapier, he manages

only to strike once, but he still does get his sneak attack for this. I think killing it. Yep. The dire wolf you're fighting, Pip, falls on top of you dead. Pyrrhon drags his rapier out of the back of its neck, looks you dead in the eyes, and then reaches out a hand to help you up.

Obliged. And I'll grab his hand. And it's the regular wolf's turn. The one regular wolf still next to Esmeralda attacks, misses. Then Hector. One dire wolf and one regular wolf? Yeah. I will...

I'll go for the dire wolf. All right. The dire wolf is the one that is on top of Gogash. Yep. You attack twice. Yes, I'll attack twice. And I will expend a smite to 2d8 damage. Imbuing your attacks with holy energy, you deal 20 points of damage.

Similar to how Piran stabbed his rapier into the back of the dire wolf's throat, and it came out the front of their neck, you do the same thing with the spear and it has very similar results the dire wolf is not slain but the dire wolf is not happy about this situation either it's probably not going to live a rich and full life one might say yeah yeah the dire wolf maybe maybe this is about the equivalent of a pack a day smoker for 20 years yeah and then it is that was Hector, it's a go gash's turn a go gash drops his

great axe, grabs the dire wolf's head and then he tries he's gonna crush the wolf yeah he tries to the mountain it he lifts the dire wolf up and starts squeezing the dire wolf up and starts squeezing. The dire wolf whimpers and whines,

and its paws start kicking out in different directions, but he does not kill it this turn. He's got this. He's got this. Well, yeah, he probably does have this. He does have this. But the, I mean, like, you know, he hasn't killed it yet, so if someone else wants to kill it, whatever.

It's because, like, it's his. Pip, it's your turn. Is there anybody else? Any other wolves left? There's one regular wolf, one dire wolf. The dire wolf is in itself a dire situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the regular wolf, well, Esmeralda looks like, well, look, hey, you can shoot either one.

I'll shoot one arrow into each with my two attacks. Hopefully maybe put that one out of its misery. You kill the direst wolf. Yeah. You didn't need to really roll too much for that. But the regular wolf, you manage to shoot it in the flank. It is now the last wolf left. It whimpers, and you can see it's reconsidering choices it's made.

Yeah, fair enough. Well, it's a wolf. But if it could... It would have regret. It would have regret. It would have regret, yeah. If wolves were capable of regret, it would feel regret. Esmeralda misses, but then hits on a second one. Yeah, Esmeralda downs the last wolf.

That's what it is, the wolves taken care of. How's everyone looking? Some people have taken minor dings. A go-gash and Esmeralda both have similar-looking gashes on their lower legs, but neither one of them seem to need to slow down. Esmeralda, you can see, is favoring her metal leg now, but other than that, she seems fine. A go-gash just doesn't seem to feel the pain.

Yeah. Uh, I might hear, uh, well, I'll, uh, just, you know, lay on hands, uh, Esmeralda, if she'll the pain. Yeah. I might heal. I'll just lay on hands Esmeralda if she'll... Okay. She allows it. Sure. You heal her for four hit points. Four hit points? Right.

Well, we don't really have time to waste. There's no resting to be had. Yeah. Anyone else wounded? You? I don't think so. A little bit. I'll be fine.

Around the room, is there another entrance or is there another exit? exit yeah there is a set of stairs that lead up to the ledge and you can see that there is a way north past the ledge okay let's carry on you head deeper into the caves the deep caves as the book describes a maze of torch lit tunnels and caves expands in front of you bones lie strewn upon the ground the ceiling here is about 10 feet high. And as I said, there's kind of like a maze of cave before you. It's so honeycombed that you can't really pick a path.

You kind of just have to pick a direction. So you've got east or north. Can we hear anything or smell anything or get any gauge of what's down these tunnels? No. Any noises you hear, there are noises, but they echo in such a way they just get thrown around so much that it's impossible to make out what the noise actually is. East or north, I think. Let's go north.

Sure. It's already kind of honeycombed and very, there's like lots of rock formations that block sight. But it's wide enough that it's kind of like walking almost through a field just with rock trees. Okay. This quotation marks field, if you will, begins to thin out until you can see that there are now three paths before you. There's north, east again, or west. Shall we carry on north? I don't see why not. Shall we carry on north? I don't see why not.

We'll carry on north. You continue onwards until... I forgot about this. All right. Sorry. It begins to taper a little bit until it forms a singular passageway. The singular passageway, before it becomes a proper just tunnel tunnel, Singular passageway, before it becomes a proper just tunnel tunnel,

there is a curtain blocking most of your view, not all of your view. The curtain is made out of human skin. I maybe don't comment on anything. Yes, I... But maybe... Esmeralda says something. Savages. Yes. Who's at the front?

It's probably Esme, yeah? Esmeralda and either of you if you at the front? It's probably Esme, yeah? Esmeralda and either of you if you want to be at the front Yeah Yeah, well we brush it aside I grab the spear and just like Yeah, try not to touch it Yeah Agogash mutters a prayer of sorts

You hear him praying Even he finds this Well, no, he's not necessarily like He's not a monster Yeah, he's not a monster He's not even close He also finds this well, he's not necessarily He's not a monster. Yeah, he's not a monster. He's not even close. He also finds this very barbaric. Piran looks at it kind of quizzically

but of your party, he seems to be the least horrified by it. You find behind the curtain there is a set of stairs that slowly spirals upwards. It would be into the mountain, yeah? Like up into the mountain. Would you like to follow this path?

Yeah, I guess we follow the... We start spiraling up. Nothing else in the room yet. Just this up? Yeah. You slowly walk upwards until the staircase ends in a 20-foot diameter ring of stones dominating a rocky ledge on the mountainside.

You emerge. It's raining now. You emerge out on the mountainside itself. There's just like a light drizzle of rain hitting you and there is a rocky set of stones roughly in a circle on kind of like a flat area. You can see within the ring there is splattered blood and small gnawed bones. Lying on the ground outside the circle are several spears stained with dry blood. Does it look like, does it give me the impression of a sacrificial altar of some kind? Like, do I think, or maybe not even an altar, but like, is this a place for ceremony?

Unhallowed ground kind of thing. Neither of you can ascertain the purpose of this space. It doesn't feel like a sacrificial area. Okay. But its purpose, other than something awful happens here, is beyond you. Eludes us. Can I, if I had divine sensed anything, that's just more for people or creatures that are like celestial fiend undead. That's not like, you know, hallowed ground or

like, well, in this case, unhallowed ground. Hallowed is good. Hallowed is good. Unhallowed is good. Although I think in 5th Ed, it's consecrated. It's just consecrated and then consecrated can mean good or bad. Okay. So I can't sense. I can just sense creatures. If you use

divine sense, you can feel that there is the presence of consecrated ground nearby, but it's not here. Okay. Alright. There is a some sort of religious site here. It would probably emanate with an awful aura. You don't think it's a

you don't think it's a good consecrated. The less time we spend here, the better. I say there's nothing for us here. It's just the spears and then anything going left, right? No, it's kind of like a ledge that's got an overlook of the area. But other than that, you just see the tops of trees. You can't see anything else. We can see anything, nothing.

And maybe in the distance you can see Krasik, actually. And the spears, are they just regular spears Or are they like They're small, child sized Okay, they're not silver yet No, they're not silver And the small bones, they're human Child sized

Or halfling Maybe they've been killing a lot of halflings here We don't know Maybe the people of Krasik are confused Actually no, both of you have enough medical knowledge to ascertain that the shape

and sizing and whatnot of the bones indicates that it is not from a fully grown creature. Yeah. I figured as much. All right. I sort of out of disgust

step out of the rain and back into the cave. Okay. I guess we choose some of the other ways. You head back down the stairs and into the area you now have east although i'm letting you know there were two distinct east options if you want to go further actually there's two east options and there's two west options we'll call them like north east south east northwest southwest okay

basically the first time we enter an intersection where we could have gone north or not, we'll go a different way. Okay. So east or west? Let's go east. East, yeah. East. All right. As you walk this way, you can see that there is rough-hewn stairs leading down into a space.

Okay. So eight in total. draped in garlands of vines and nightflowers. Piled around the statue's base is an incredible amount of treasure. A woman in shredded clothes kneels before the statue. Behind the statue, two maggot-ridden corpses hang from iron shackles bolted to the wall. Okay. She is obviously praying to the statue. She has not noticed you. Cool. Can I radiant soul and just charge?

Well, you will get a surprise attack. I don't know if anyone else in your party will. No, Esmeralda. You and Esmeralda just charge. As you both charge, you see Esmeralda draws one of the, like, vile things from her bandolier. She, you can see it's got a it's got a clear needle tip to it. She jams that needle tip into her thigh, and in an instant, all the liquid inside that vial is shot straight into her.

Oh, yeah. You attack twice. What are we doing here? Yep. So it's magical weapons. It's plus one, plus one. And also I get a fly. I fly there.

And I can add an extra six radiant damage. Apart from that six radiant damage, any extra? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How many times do I hit? You hit twice. Ah, cool. A 3d8 and an extra 3d8 and an extra 1d8. What did you just say?

So 3d8 on each attack? A 3d8 and then 3d8, an extra 1d8. What did you just say? So 3d8 on each attack? A 3d8 and then 2d8. So an extra 5d8 damage. Okay. And then plus 6 on top of all of this. Yeah, cool stuff. I think she might be dead. You deal 46 points of damage.

Esmeralda, her eyes, you can see. Hector, you're the only one because you're standing right next to her. You can see that her eyes turn vibrant white and they begin to shine just faintly a light. As her weapons are drawn, you can see both of them, like the light kind of transfers from her eyes down along her body and into the weapons. Cool. They both burn with, you can tell, you know holy energy. I'm aware of what holy is. Cool. They both burn with, you can tell, you know holy energy when you see it. I'm aware of what holy is.

Me. Yeah, buddy. I need to roll to hit. She also hits twice. She deals a further 22. Fucking hell. She deals a further 31 points of damage. Okay. You deal 78 damage together total damage. All right. Okay. You deal 78 damage together total.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. Mm-hmm. She dies. You split her in two. Yeah. I, like, snap my head to the cages.

Next to you, Pyrrhon puts both of his hands up and says, whoa. I hope there wasn't,'t like a one and done thing that he can't do before a nap again or whatever. That he wasted on just what looks like a werewolf. Anyway. I go over to the cages. Oh, you can make a religion. No, you don't.

I get a bad boy card. You don't know what the fuck this is. No, don't care. All right. Can I push over that statue at the end of this? Is it a heavy statue? It's made of wood. It can't be too hard. Is it wood?

Excellent. It's a crude wooden statue. The children seem to be in shock. You can't free them without needing to roll. They're clearly not the children. They can't. But you can lift roll. They're clearly not the children. They can't. But you can lift the rock and move it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, you free all eight children. Right, right. As always. Where are you going to take them now? I don't... Out. Oh, highs. Highs?

Oh, no. What? What? What? What? Pip, you see it. Hectorector you're in too much of a blind rage Pip you see of the eight children seven of them have

bite marks Hector step back how long does it take it's by the next full moon well no full moon. What? Well, no full moon yet, right? You have maybe 10 days till the next full moon.

You know enough about werewolves to know that if, well, you can't tell, unless you inspect them, you can't tell how old the bite is. Yeah. But if you can, it's probably going to take longer than an hour to find a cleric, but if you can, basically the faster you act, the better a chance they have. But if the full moon rolls

around and nothing has been done, it is irreversible. They've been bitten, Hector, I say. Goddamn. We've got until the next full moon or it's a permanent situation. I don't know anyone. When is the next full moon? It's in about 10 days.

Okay. I pull out a manual demonstrator and start looking through. Perhaps there is something intrinsic. Maybe. We need to find a pretty powerful cleric and we need to find them quickly. And the sooner we act the better yeah if you would like to stay here and

perhaps deal with the case I will chaperone these children out of the cave Pip you know that there is a cleric in Valakai you don't know if he's powerful enough to help them. And you also don't know if, like, you don't know how long ago they were bitten, basically.

You are aware that there is an abbey as well in Krezic, which is obviously significantly closer. But Krezic is not letting you in until you've dealt with the werewolves. Take them to Krezic. I say, let them, oh no, don't take them to Krezic. not letting you in until you've dealt with the werewolves. Take them to Krezic, I say. Oh, no, don't take them to Krezic. Take them to the shack. We'll finish up here and then hopefully this will be enough to let us into Krezic. There's an abbey there and I think a healing pool as well.

Maybe that will be beneficial. We can take the children there and see what we can do but we'll have to do it under quite intense secrecy because I just don't know what Krezik's reaction will be to discovering that the children have been bitten. But yes, get them out of here as soon as possible because I can't imagine the rest of the werewolves are happy that we've taken the kids. Hector, you see that Esmeralda,

this entire conversation, has been kind of looking out of the side of her eye at the children. She's not made a decision, but you can see in her face that she's having a think. Okay. She's not made a decision. You just see that there is a mental battle happening there. I want to kneel down next to the kids.

And, well, you're going to come with me and we're going to get out of this cave. Can you all do that? They, maybe some of them, meekly nod. If you guide them somewhere, they will just come with you. They're not going to resist in any way. I guess if there's any, like, a smaller one, I could probably, like, lift one of them up. Okay. Piran pipes up.

Do we mean to take these children and leave now? Well, I think we're going to split up. Okay. Piran pipes up. Do we mean to take these children and leave now? Well, I think we're going to split up the plan. Alright. I'm not sure how clever a plan that is. Don't we have like eight more werewolves to deal with? Two more in here. I look around. Two more in here for now. Is there any entrances or exits

like here in this room? None that you can see, no. That's just back the way you came. Piran continues. This would be just as dangerous for the people who leave as the people who stay. What if the people who leave with all those children bump into the werewolves on their way back? Maybe the children having been saved will be enough for Krezak to let us in. And if not, we can

come back, I suppose. You hear an awful creaking noise and then shattering from behind you. You both turn around and you see Esmeralda has toppled the wooden statue. It's good. It's probably for the best. Was there anything in the treasure that you said that was there? Do you want to have a little poke around the treasure?

I just feel someone should, but I'm not. A gogash is probably poking around it, just out of curiosity. I'm looking. I want to look for gems. You can see in the treasure there is quite a lot of coins, loads of coins, and you can tell that there's millions of different types of currency as well. None of it is local to Barovia.

All of it looks like it's come from many different lands. Yeah, across the multiverse. Yeah. You find that there are, ooh, yeah, there's a bunch of gemstones here. Perfect. And. Maybe as I'm like scared, I'm like, I look up to everyone to explain that I'm not looting. It's a real chemical, like gesture to Esmeralda.

She gets it. She nods. Pip. Yes? The cure or if we go to this Abbey and they want do they need my gesture to maybe the pile of money? What is the process? So basically I know with a werewolf bite it's pretty much like high level

arcane magic of some variety, but it's kind of a vagueness. Arcane magic is not going to be enough. You need divine magic. You need magic of the gods. Sorry, that's what I meant. Yeah, divine. Yeah, you need to find a cleric.

The longer you leave it, the more powerful a cleric you will require until the full moon, at which point there's nothing short of divine intervention itself could help. And we've got like 10 odd days. Yeah, 10 days. Because I know a lot of spells that require this kind of restorative ability often cost maybe like a gem worth a thousand gold. Sometimes, yeah.

Or something like that. But that's what I'm asking. Oh, right, right. If there's any sort of monetary... I don't know the specific spell. That's not your department. Yeah, yeah. Not your department? No worries.

Unfortunately, one, that's not my department, and two, I've never been to Krezak, so I don't know what they'll require specifically. Okay. Esmeralda steps forward, and she says, I have some idea that a cleric may require us to pay for components within the spell. No gems will be required, but money may be asked.

All right, we'll make sure that we take it. Do you have any idea how much? It will depend on how long ago they've returned, but it could vary, perhaps up to 500 gold. We'll make sure that we have each. Make sure that we take all the gold then. You find in among this, and Esmeralda is also picking at this. You find two agates.

Nice. Oh, wow. All right. You have to split these with Esmeralda because she's also keen on these. Six aquamarines. She takes three. You take three. Oh.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Going to be making some grenades. You find two malachites. Mm-hmm. And you find, oh, nice, five rubies. And then you find an ornate electrum sensor with platinum filigree. It's worth 750 gold. Oh.

You find an ivory drinking horn engraved with dancing dryads and satyr pipe players worth 250 gold. And then do you just want the money? Yeah. All right, you start scooping money into your bag.

Piran gives you a hand with that one. Actually, yeah, you know what? He's taken some of this. So you get 2,000 copper pieces. Jesus. This is like halved because Pir He's taken some of this. So you get 2,000 copper pieces. Jeez. This is like halved because Piran's taken half of it. You get 450 silver pieces, and you get 125 gold pieces. Cool.

Esmeralda probably takes some of that as well. Yeah, yeah. But I've already given you part of it. Well, with that done, we'll gather the kids and make our way out of the cave, and let us head back to Kresik. Over the years, our beautiful and talented artist Nathan Davis has created stellar artwork far greater than the utter bullshit it's been associated with. And for 10 years, we've been occasionally badgered with comments like, hey, this artwork is great. I'd love to have this as the background on my phone. Or, man, this looks really cool. It sure would be neat to have that as my desktop, if only it was available somewhere. And come

on, guys, you have the artwork. It's right there, it shouldn't be this hard. Well, do I have some good news for you. For at least a dollar, you can download the perfect desktop wallpaper for your computer or that little Google machine you've got there right from our website, sanspansradio.com slash shop and click the downloads icon. We've currently got several wallpaper packs available, but do check back often as I'm sure we'll add more,

maybe in a further 10 years. So once again, that's sanspanseradio.com slash shop and click that downloads icon. To be continued... where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to Sants Pants Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice and join us on this epic quest of D&D podcast discovery.