D&D is For Nerds - Vampire Infested Barovia II #17 The Longest Night

Episode Date: August 26, 2023

The party gets interrupted by a revenge seeking undead while bigger events unfold in the rest of Barovia. Hektor gets reverse corrupted while Pip tries his best to send a letter. Keep up to date with the Jarren's Outpost Board Game by heading to jarrensoutpost.com or checking out all the links here!Want ad-free and even more bonus content? Just check out Imagination Adventures+ on our website or on Apple Podcasts! Music by the ever wonderful Lepidora, you can check out her music here. And head to peddlerspress.store to peruse our D&D themed merch store and help support the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem, ahem. You're listening to the Sans Pants Network. Although you see no water for miles around, fool! They've heard this before! Quiet, you dolt! A Wizard Supreme has many things to tell about this nightmare Barovia! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wizard Supreme?

In this place, your pointless titles mean nothing! For the only way to escape is to slay Strahd in the manner of a true warrior! Or die in the attempt! You and Tarpos are sitting by the fire while the snores, the loud, heavy snores of Gorob Lushen drown out any chance you could have had at hearing an enemy before you see them. Out of the darkness, at first it's just a shadow, but then it slowly coalesces into a person, a knight, a man in armor. The bottom part of his armor, his leggings, are badly damaged. One of his legs is twisted and it looks

broken he's half limping on it in one of his hands he's holding a long sword in the other one he's holding a shield he looks you know the way an exhausted person might walk at the end of a like a long heavy fight combat that's what this person's doing you can hear the dragging noise of the long sword being dragged along the ground the person their helmet is still attached to their armor but it's been bent and knocked off into a position where you you can't see their face properly just yet that's they're not visible in the firelight yet but you will be able to see their face in a moment the first thing though before you see their face or the first part the first feature that you can see is two dull dead eyes noticeably empty and

devoid of any emotion except perhaps anger when they step close enough that the firelight illuminates their face, you can see the sallow, awful appearance of the living dead. Would I think, Adam, do you think this is a fair stab in the dark that this is an undead sentry? It could be. Is there a silveriness to the armor? No, there is not.

On their face, you can see that there is scarred into their cheek a rearing dragon. Oh. It looks like it's been burnt onto them. Oh. Are you... Are you of the Order of Strahd?

Pip's not responding. Tapos looks at you. Give me a second. There's like ten undead, and I need to look through all of them. Answer me, or face my blade. Say no. Tapos looks at them and says, No. No!

No! Answer my question! Can I try and wake everyone else up? Yeah, you could slowly wake everyone else up. As everyone else is being awoken, the figure lifts the sword they were carrying and says, You are not of the order! What order?

That match is clear! We're not, what order? You will die! It attacks. Just say you're not with Strife, you fucking... I said no, I said we're not with the order! You just said no. You said no, and also you're not with the order means no, you're with Strife. Also it was, are you with the Order or are you abstract?

Pip was distracted. Trying to figure out which of the billions of undead this is. All right, we're going to initiative. What is this? Undead revenge seeking. What? Got there in the end. Now that I've identified it,

the more difficult part of deciphering a manual to figure out how to dispatch it. Maybe just holding the mace, just like, perhaps maybe read your book before fighting the thing that you're reading about? Normally it's easy, but there are like ten different kinds of undead. I thought you were a monster hunter. Differentiating them is, I wouldn't even count the undead as monsters.

They're their own separate thing. Isn't that your domain, god boy? Get a good boy card each. That was funny. Thank you. All right. The dead creature goes first. It's going to charge, I'm gonna say

It charges Tarpos It swings with its sword Tarpos takes 9 points of damage as it swings down into her And you can see the sword bites into her shoulder The sword is old and rusted and notched and nicked This creature has been quite clearly banged up and partially destroyed. Now that it's quite closer as well,

you can see that same mark on its face. The rearing dragon is also blazoned on its shield and on its breastplate. Then it is Hector, your turn. Right. Can I yell something? Can I do that? Radiant damage or fire. Radiant or turn. Right. Can I yell something? Can I do that radiant damage or fire?

Radiant or fire. Fine. I want to, like, with one hand, gesture Hexblade's Curse. Uh-huh. And then I will attack it twice and let me know if I hit. That is a hit and a miss. Can I reroll and attack? I missed.

Hit, crit. Nice. Cool. And I would like to... Two Smites. First level. Okay. Get them good.

Someone's confident they're going to get a long rest soon. Also, I... Well, I'm using my non-wall. This is for my god. Oh, nice. All right. You deal 10, 22, 30, 33 points of damage. Oh, my god.

Oh, wait. It's more than that. Isn't it? Wait. You get 2d8 for a smite, right? Well, it's undead, correct? Yeah. It's an extra one, I think.

Oh, so you get 3d8. Plus what? And a crit? Oh, yes. Ohead, correct? Yeah. So you get an extra one, I think. Oh, so you get 3d8. Plus what? And a crit? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Actually, sorry. There's so much going on. Let me roll the regular hit first. So you deal 15 points of damage on your regular attack. Nice. And then

pray for a high number. High, high, high, high. Oh, yeah. That's pretty high. Ooh. Low blow quadruple damage. Oh, boy. Take it out in one go. Don't do too well.

Well, I mean, like, you're still about to do 16 times 4 is 32, 64 points Oh my god And that was not doing well Well you rolled poorly, you could have done a lot better Yeah fair

Fuckin' hell Damn Alright, well it's bloodied But not out for the count yet That was Hector, your turn It's Tarpos' turn Tarpos gives a confused look at you, Pip And says, radiant?

Or fire, or fire She smiles at fire She knows fire damage Or convince them it no longer needs to exist We can do that Do fire, do fire, do fire It's like burning with like Holy energy

Do fire, pick fire, pick fire or radiant Fire or radiant She can't take a step back But she casts heat metal The sword and armor that the creature Is wearing begins to glow red hot Hell yeah No saving throw

The creature takes 4d8 fire damage. Oh my god. We're pushing this guy's shit in. 24 points of damage. Pushing his shit in. Guess we are. Guess we are. Alright, then it is Pip, your turn.

Okay. Do I associate the dragon symbol with Argonvostalt? Yep. Okay. And I know the order is just not around anymore, right? They're long dead. Okay. I'm going to, as I rear my head back to breathe flames on him,

I'm like, your order's long gone. And then I'm going to bathe him in flame and then fire an arrow at him. Okay. A bolt, sorry. He fails his dexterity saving throw. You're going to need to get into melee range. Well, to make this attack, sorry, without hitting an ally.

I see, I see, I see. They fail their saving throw, so that is six points of fire damage. Yes. And then you fire a point blank range with your crossbow yeah yeah what's up

you fire you hit them point blank it does no damage okay alright yeah cool beans look I was just firing that off because whatever I'm here wasn't expecting much yeah so sorry oh that's all good it's uh oh and then you say you're yeah i say the order's over they look at you and say

that i will fight alone well tried maybe you just said the wrong thing gor Gorob, it's Gorob's turn. It's great that due to your not listening or paying attention, us being asleep. I know, it says. Torpa is not understanding what is really going on. To destruct this undead, either through the normal means, combat, or if it is possible to bring some justice to them, as all temporal dead will return to death if their existence cannot be justified.

Well, clearly they wanted to fight Strahd. You can say something like, oh, I don't know, don't worry about it, we've taken up the mantle. We're doing our best. Strahd's dead. Strahd's dead, baby. I could do that.

Anything's possible. Look, I understand you didn't have a lot of time to read the lore, but they're kind of driven by a sense of vengeance. What's in the name? Kind of the order doesn't really mean much to them anymore. They thought you might have been part of their order. Well, next turn, maybe. You are literally a dragon.

I'm your mascot. It's me, your boy. I'm back. Lushen fires four bolts of fiery energy, and you hear Gorob say, I'll deal with this. And Lushen calls out, Good luck getting there before I deal with it.

Classic. Hit, miss, hit, hit. Love those guys. That's 66 fire damage. They take 20 points of fire damage. They're still standing. Okay. And then it's Lushen's turn.

I mean, Gorob, sorry. Gorob gets stacked. Gorob charges in and swings with his greatsword. His greatsword hits, does another 2d6, plus some other damage. Gorob cuts the creature in half. It is destroyed. Oh, is this one of the, I guess, the dead dragon knights of Argenvostod? Yes, of Argenvostod.

What is doing this far up the mountain? I have no idea. But, yeah, this is one of them. Attracted by our fire i like look around now realizing that our combat may have attracted the goat can i like listen i know it's dark but like listen on the wind you you can't detect the goat but you also can't see a lot even once again even actually with devil's sight the 120 feet is not that far yeah Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. Can I loot the ghost?

Yeah, of course. All right. I mean, it could be a ghost. I don't know. Yeah. I thought it was a skeleton, but okay. Well, I know it crumbles into dust if, I don't know. Who knows, man. I guess once you've done that, we'll switch watches.

Yeah, good plan. Yeah, didn't expect that. This far up the mountain, it's very strange. Is it? Well. I mean, Argenvostolt, their hold is down in the valley. When did they get wiped out? A long time ago.

Yeah, Adam? Yeah, yeah. A long, long time ago. I mean, even if they took a step a century. Yeah, and also, I mean, maybe there's some kind of Argenvostel outpost up here, I don't know. You can get their armor and weapon.

They're not worth a lot and they aren't very good, but you can get them if you want. I inspect them, and if they're just basically rusted... It would be, yeah be highly corrosively damaged. So the armor, instead of providing an AC of 18, only provides an AC of 16,

and the shield only an AC of plus one. They are... Actually, no, sorry. The armor provides, instead of 18, it provides 15, and then the shield provides only plus one. Is the shield a bit better than the current one I'm using? No, your current shield gives you a plus 2 Any shield except

Any shield except shield in brackets damaged provides a plus 2 bonus I look at this one and I'm like, look at the other one It's made out of a sturdier substance, but that sturdier substance is rusted to shit so it's actually probably not that sturdy It might be worth a little bit of money if you wanted to carry it, but that sturdy your substance is rusted to shit. So it's actually probably not that sturdy.

It might be worth a little bit of money if you wanted to carry it, but it's certainly not worth what a normal set of full weight. In addition to that, they didn't have a lot of personal effects on them, but they did have, on their belt, they had several little pockets and whatnot.

In one of them, you find a vial of an unknown but viscous and slightly glowing substance. Neither of you have the expertise to identify this substance. You could just put in brackets, Revenant Juice, to remind us. And you find four gold pieces. And then finally, for harvesting harvesting you find one hag eye nice

this would have been something that they had harvested themselves cool so it's not like something growing on them hag eyes are good once again this would have been something that they had collected you find two sets of vampire teeth vampire teeth are good too this guy's paying out

and then you find a ruby that's funny he had a ruby on him sets of vampire teeth. Vampire teeth are good too. This guy's paying out. And then you find a ruby. It's funny he had a ruby on him. That shit's undead, Bane. Fucking hurting himself the whole time. Only when he used an alchemical fucking ink. It's just someone threw a grenade at them. He just

caught it. Yeah. In his pocket. It's funny to imagine it hurting him but like he got it when he was alive and then he dies and he's just like ow like a permanent pebble in their shoe hate that

you can see their leg is twisted and mangled because it looked like they were trapped somewhere their leg is crushed like they had been stuck like they'd gotten it stuck in something. Recently? Well, I mean, it's hard to tell. Probably post-mortem.

Perhaps a former victim of Sangzor? Perhaps, yes. Finally crawled out of the rubble? You can say. Well, if you're done harvesting, you get some shut-eye. All right. I'll crawl to bed. As you huddle around the campfire, clutching at your snow-covered bedrolls with frost-bitten hands,

you rest as best you can, not knowing that tonight shall be the longest night in Barovia. Ooh. We had so many. Hector, as you dream dream you see a vision A town is grey and tired The bricks of its houses Grown under the weight of history

And secrecy Beyond the town you see a door Your vision focuses on the door and you move closer You are moving through an old And decrepit building as you approach Its walls are straining to the limit The only thing keeping them standing is a balance of the two forces acting in opposition upon these walls. The howling wind

blowing them in and the powerful energy pulsating them out. Suddenly, with a logic that only fits a dream, the door is now unimportant. You are past it and sinking into the earth. What would normally be a warm place is instead cold. Cold with a vile energy that you cannot name, but you know like a childhood friend. Spaces blur before you, but you see in front of you an amber sarcophagus. In this dream state, you cannot describe what is wrong, but you just know that something is. You cannot describe what is wrong, but you just know that something is. Like you know the end of this tale. Something menacing flows from the sarcophagus.

You should not touch it, and yet you cannot stop yourself. Like you are watching someone else, you see your hand reach out to touch the amber surface. Suddenly, you spring forwards and you grab yourself. Once again, this logic only makes sense in a dream. spring forwards and you grab yourself once again this logic only makes sense in a dream but your hand grabs your own hand and prevents you from touching the sarcophagus suddenly you are yourself again and you are holding a spear made of pure light you turn back to the sarcophagus hector you jolt awake you remember everything that i have told you, and then just a feeling of great loss. I look to my hand. Your hand appears normal for now.

For now? You can hear the crackling. What's left of the fire is slowly burning itself out. You see as Goroblushan, thankfully, blissfully, quietly, adds another log to the fire without any commentary. They don't seem to have noticed that you're awake. I'll... Great watch, Gorob. Yeah, right?

I guess I'll... Son of a bitch. I'll sit off. So the spear in... So what? Did I have a connection? Was there a... You've held a golden spear in your hands.

You know that the chosen weapon of Penny's people is a spear, and a golden spear seems like an omen to you. Can I try and... I don't know, like, I guess, create it? Sure. You pull forth. You reach out into some previously unknown, untapped energy, and you draw forth a golden spear, which you are holding in your hands.

It sheds dim light all around you, brighter than what's left of the campfire. Gorob Lushen turn around and look at you in surprise and shock. They don't say anything. You feel a warmth radiating from this weapon like it is a sliver of sunlight. Hector, you, well, both of you are going to gain a level. Oh, nice. You're leveling up. Sweet.

But Hector, instead of gaining a level in Paladin, you will be gaining a level in Warlock. Oh, no. As you are gifted powers from the Amber Sarcophagus, but you can feel them mixing in new ways with your deity. This is so dangerous. This is so dangerous, dude. You would, I believe, Pact of a Weapon is the one that gives you a weapon? Yeah, a weapon that would normally be gifted to you by your warlock patron, namely Eileen. You are instead receiving, well, corrupted is kind of the right word, but it feels wrong to say.

It is nonetheless corrupted by Pannier, and it is now a golden spear. I don't endorse this. golden spear. I don't endorse this. I yeah, I just look at Gorob and Lushen and just see if they're going to say anything. They just stare in

disbelief. They for once have nothing to say. It seems a gift from a god. I'll take watch. Lushen nods sagely like he understands. I will take the watch if you need to rest. You haven't finished the sentence.

Their heads hit the pillow. All right! Jolted by the loud yell. All right, all right. Do I wake up to that? Oh, yeah. Maybe roll over in my bedroll and look at you with your brand new golden spear

and then just half asleep and be like, figures. Roll back up from bed. So, the longest night continues. Somewhere far away from you, but somehow with a vision to you, there is an old, tired abbey. You've been here before. It's the Abbey of St. Markovia, sitting high atop the city of Krezik. On the battlements, standing next to the dummy soldiers that fooled you so long ago, is Eleniel.

soldiers that fooled you so long ago, is Eleniel. Eleniel stares up at the mountain with a longing in her face. Tears are streaming down her cheeks, and every now and then she makes an awful sort of sound. She's sobbing. She tries to catch herself.

She wants to make no noise. Kribbit is just through the doorway reading quite loudly to himself. The many snoring noises of the Bellevue family can be heard from different doorways, rooms, and windows and whatnot. Through all of this, despite the fact that probably no one would hear her, Eleniel just wishes to make sure that no one can hear her. She sometimes covers her mouth with her hand. Sometimes she just holds onto the battlements so tight that they might break under her grip. But whatever it takes, she tries to contain herself within herself. herself, within herself. She stares up at the mountain constantly with an expression like she has lost something profound and great to her. Her sadness is interrupted, though, when she hears

something below her, something unnatural. She crouches low, Eleniel's instincts kicking in. It is dangerous to be heard in Barovia. Looking over the battlements, her instincts prove very correct. She sees a, I wouldn't even describe it as a shadow. I would describe it as more of a figment moving in between the gravestones. It approaches one gravestone in particular, and a well-manicured hand reaches out and gently rests upon the gravestone. Eleniel quietly, very quietly, watches.

In no time at all, she realizes what she's looking at. She is looking at the devil here in the graveyard. Oh, no. So great is her focus that she has not even noticed that a certain little frog man has waddled next to her. Unaware of what is happening below. Kribbit, no. Unaware of what is happening below,

Kribbit puts a hand on Eleniel's back and it is all that she can do to not jump out of her own skin. She turns around and sees in slow motion as Kribbit's mouth opens. She very quickly puts her hand over Kribbit's mouth and with wide eyes she communicates. With a look that could have punched through the rock wall behind Kribbit, she tells him to be quiet.

Silently she tells him to be quiet. Silently, she tells him to be quiet. Kribbit looks questioningly at her, but says nothing. Eleniel turns back and it's gone. Finally. It's concerning. Far from here in the town of Kuturi,

there is an old cathedral. From a hill, it overlooks the town, staring into its every nook. The god, or gods, once worshipped here, are long forgotten, and now the religious monument instead sees a very different kind of sacrifice. As far as the citizens of Kuchari are concerned, the building is only an abattoir, and has only ever been that. The blood of so many animals drained into the soil that when it rains, the mud turns red here. In the steeple of the cathedral, Ludmilla watches the stars.

They are not in the sky tonight, but instead stretched out upon the skin of a very strange horse. Captured and now subjected to one of her cruel experiments, captured and now subjected to one of her cruel experiments oh she stretches the limits of what this creature can endure until its very being is unraveled there is a knock at the door and all eyes turn ludmilla is not alone also in the room is a halfling quietly tinkering at a desk one of his arms made of steel and wood weights and counterweights provide realistic motion and fine dexterity. The other person is an older man with a haughty expression marred by a terrible scar running over his nose and splitting his upper lip wide open. Ludmilla does not respond to the knock

and returns to her work with a pleased smile curling at the edge of her lips. The knock returns. More insistent than a third. More insistent still. Finally, the door opens with near but not literal explosive force. Escher makes his way into the study, furious.

This son of a bitch. Checking his watch. I'm so sorry. I did not hear you knocking. Were you waiting long? Ludmilla asks with feigned concern. I was already behind schedule before I got here. As well you know, Escher spits back.

I have important word from Strahd. Ludmilla tuts once again with feigned concern. Has Strahd got you delivering mail now? God is awesome. He must be quite upset. Such a demotion. Escher forces himself to continue. His pet project and the failure are making their way towards Kuchari.

Strahd says that you may... What? Strahd says that you may play with your food, but you cannot kill them. He wants to see Escher trails off, clearly too uncomfortable to continue. He wants to see if you... He wants to see if I will fail, as you did. Ludmilla finishes. I will, of course, respect our master's commands.

Though you can tell him I am not your errand boy. Escher is furious. How dare she? That these two will not be able to free him. Ludmilla furnishes, ignoring Escher now. She turns to the old man who, until now, had been silently watching and listening. Inform the security staff. They should capture rather than kill. I wanted to see this pet project myself. Careful, Ludmilla. Escher wanders over to one of the many open notebooks on one of the many desks. Sketches of horse anatomy are intermingled with details of planar magics. Boris is dead.

Who? Ludmilla asks, returning to her work. That's a lot to take in I am I imagine I'm the failure but that makes you the pet project which is way more concerning well far away but somehow

annoyingly somehow awfully close. The town of Valakai is a fortress with many holes in its walls. Not a very good one. We've got a lot of firewood now. Yeah, that's true. That's true. It is not hard for someone as gifted in magic as Keening is to slip in at night. Under instructions from Yender, Keening knows where he needs to be and what he needs to do.

There is a meeting that must be disrupted. This cult of father, Keening stops himself. Yender told him not even to think the words and despite the fact that Keening does not hold as high a stock in not saying it as Yender does he will nonetheless respect her wishes

so he stops himself before he mentally even thinks the words and he just focuses he doubles down on the task ahead of him he needs to get to the Burgermaster's house. The basement within has a ritual that will be conducted, which will, he's vaguely aware, lead to another ritual, which will lead to the King of Dunces. He creeps his way quietly through the city streets. It is suspicious for anyone to be moving at night,

and he knows he will not be welcome if found. It is with a great surprise, considering how easy it has been so far, that as he turns one more corner, he sees several guards walking in his direction. They are conversing with each other a bit too loudly, and thankfully that's enough. Keening ducks down and is given enough time. Their chatter gives him enough time to hide himself. He would be somewhere over here, I think. No, you idiot. This wizard or whatever, he is somewhere in this direction. The two guards continue on their patrol.

Keening realizes he's been rumbled. Oh, no. But there's still a mission to perform. He's not sure how he was found, but he was found nonetheless. It's not too much longer that Keening is at the Burgermaster's Manor, and invisible, he has crept up to a window which will give him a view into the basement. Keening, crawling on his hands and knees as quietly as possible, gazes through the glass and he sees nothing on the other side.

Hmm. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Keening thinks to himself. Behind him, Keening hears movement. He turns around and springs to his feet. Invisible, he knows something has spotted him.

And luckily, he's just quick enough to catch as one of the guards a guard lunges towards him sword in hand keening quick as you like pulls his fingers out like a pistol and a burst of flames catches the guard setting them alight then another guard then another Then another. Then another. Four guards quickly dropped in rapid succession. Keening sees all around him. Guards are moving in to capture him. Just past them, Keening sees the Burgermaster. At this point, Keening is no longer invisible. The Burgermaster looks directly at Keening, a smile curling at his lips. Keening is not sure why the Burgermaster is smiling. They both know that regular town militia is no match for this man.

And then Keening sees standing next to the Burgermaster is a very strange person indeed. They, they're human, or at least they appear human. Okay. Wearing a suit of sorts. Like, very formal pants, a very nice-looking blazer and shirt. No shoes to speak of. And where the hems of their pants reach down to their ankles, black eye cord drips down as if it's dribbling inside the pants and onto the floor.

The person's eyes are obsidian black and... What the hell? Who's this? Who is this guy? The person's eyes are obsidian black and you know how in... When we think of a halo, we think of a circular disc atop someone's head. But if you look at, say,

a Renaissance painting, it'll be a flat depiction that goes kind of like a crown over their head, a corona, if you will. As a corona over this person's head, a little motes of flame intermingled with tongues. When the person opens their mouth, tongues begin spilling out like one big tongue all connected together. It hits the ground and despite the fact that this should not allow for speech, nonetheless Keening hears a voice

booming out. We shall talk. Oh no. Hector. Yeah? You see a burst of flames Briefly ignite the night It's somewhere

Way down the mountain in the valley Would I be able to Pinpoint like the direction Of that You know it's somewhere In the valley Probably not too far from the lake Lake Zarevich

It could be around where Valakai is But you honestly couldn't say for sure in the valley, probably not too far from the lake. Lake Zarevich. It could be around where Valakai is, but you honestly couldn't say for sure. Okay. Pip, Hector, both of you awaken to a new day. It has been, without your knowledge, it has been the longest night in Barovia. You in the, it is, so it was snowing last night but the snow has cleared and with the snow cleared you can see it once again barovia there's no such thing as a sunny day in barovia but it does get it doesn't get close actually but today is about as bright as it ever gets in barovia and in the meager sunlight that there is you can see up ahead of you it's very very clear conditions

which you probably think you'd like to make the best of as soon as possible today yeah you can see way ahead of you there's some sort of structure it looks like the path that you're on leads to a gate this is way in the distance like maybe basically horizon distance away from you you can see some sort of gateway ahead of you. And then continuing to spiral on along the side of the Gakis Mountain, going left and right, left and right, slowly up, you can see for the first time ever, you get just the tops of buildings of what must be Kuchuri. You are unable to see the Amber Temple past Kuchuri, but now that it's clear enough, you can feel the Amber Temple's presence. Some great elder evil lies ahead of you.

And like somehow the weather clearing has allowed its energy to radiate further. Or perhaps when it was snowing, you just mistook its energy for the snow. You are, both of you, freshly level nine. Yes. And with Tarpos and Lushen Gorub in tow, you continue onwards. Yeah, absolutely. And it's been a week.

It's been a week, baby. It's been a week. Back to full health. Both have long rests. And you're freshly prepared for, I don't know if you recall this, the giant mountain goat. No, I've been waiting for it. It's probably because Pip feels the horrible, draining presence of the Ebb Temple. I'm focusing more on where the goat might be.

I guess a quick question. That's a great point, actually. How close is that mountain goat? Thanks for asking. I don't believe I did. Oh. Okay, Hector, as you stare up and get the awful waves from the Amber Temple, you feel like you see two giant horns just duck behind some rocks up ahead.

When I say up ahead, I mean quite far. Okay, okay, okay. Dude, I would have taken the last watch, yeah? I don't think you did, because you woke up basically in the middle of the night with your new golden weapon. Yeah, I took over from Gorob and Lushen, and then I'm assuming someone else. Yeah, someone

else would have taken over from you. Okay. I would have mentioned to them the explosion, the fire that I saw. We'll say that was Tarpos. Tarpos just nodded slowly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Pip. Yes. How many, I guess, metres, kilometres away would that be? Well, you can look around now. I meant for the goat first because that's more of a pressing issue that I want to inform Pip about. Are you focusing on the goat or are you looking back down the mountain? Well, firstly, well, look, I guess my order of events would have been in the morning, in the fresh light, I would have looked down the mountain where I would have saw the fire, where I vaguely remember where the explosion was. That to kind of make it as a mental note to inform at least Pip

when Pip is more awoken. Then if I saw the goat, that is now my number one pressing issue. All right. Well, this might have changed your order of presity or whatever you want to call it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when you look, if you're able,

yeah, you do a pretty good job of remembering vaguely where you were looking last night. You see spot on it would have been Valakai, where you saw the fireball. And indeed, now, you can see a little finger of smoke curling up from Valakai that is simply too big to be a chimney. Okay.

So, from, I guess, in terms of a timeline of informing, when would, I've seen that, and then would I have seen the goat? Would there have been maybe a good couple minutes? You turn around to tell this to Pip and you see the horns ducking behind her. Thank you very much. And how far away is that goat? It's not next to you.

It's quite far away. It would be, this would probably, hard to tell because all of the rocks look really similar. All of the rocks look really similar. You would guesstimate that this would be a thing past that gateway that I was describing. Okay. Pip, that goat, I think it is – I just saw some horns. It's past the gatehouse. Well, I mean, then it's their problem, not ours.

Yes. For the moment anyway. I'm just wondering if you're just stalking us. Anyway. Probably. Almost definitely. I'm imagining that I'm. Yeah, you know.

You've heard tale of this goat. It sucks. Yeah. I'm imagining I'm like standing maybe in between your eyeline of what Valakai might be. And I just want to kind of just step aside and maybe just gesture down the down the mountain and be like last night in the middle of the night i saw an explosion and it was from that direction and i in and it's it looks like it's coming from valakai weird question but is this like abnormal like like valakai does it it just occasionally catch fire anyway? Look, I wouldn't describe Valakai as being the cradle of safety in Barovia, but it definitely has been less safe since you arrived.

So it's hard to say, to be honest. I mean, Valakai definitely would normally be safer than that, but there's kind of a new normal in Valakai since you arrived. Since we crashed a tree. There's a great big giant tree-shaped hole in the wall right now. With the

explosion, what would I know that might possibly be? I understand it's so far away that it could have just been a factory explosion, or was it like, oh, that's a magical explosion? That's holy light? That's like a fireball?

It definitely wasn't radiant. It looked like fire, fire. There's a different hue, shall we say, to radiant. But yeah, beyond that it was flames, you honestly couldn't tell. You don't know what is in Valakai. You would know enough to know something like a grain silo can, even in medieval times, explosively just combust valakai yeah it could be you're probably you would know enough to know something like a grain silo can even in medieval times explosively just combust if the wrong thing happens i explain the the

explosion as best i can to you pip do you do you have some means of sending a message with magic i don't know i do not maybe the um Gorub and or Lushen. Yeah. I always forget which one was the… Wizard Supreme. I always forget which one was the… Gorub is barbarian. Just remember. I try not to think about them. We've been over this previously.

Just remember Gorub, barbarian, Lushen, wizard. It's easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a simple mnemonic device. I guess it's more of a Hector and Pip conversation. Which one was the wizard again? If I think about them at all, they're one entity. Yeah, fair enough. I guess it's more of a Hector and Pip conversation. Which one was the wizard again? If I think about them at all, they're one entity.

Someone has summoned the wizard supreme. Oh, my God. No, you fool. First of all, no one would summon you. Can I put my hand over both their heads? Can I look towards maybe the pit where either the goat was or where I think maybe some snow might be falling our way? You see a massive drift of snow is beginning to move. It doesn't look like it's going to hit you, but yeah.

They're causing little avalanches here and there. Hey, please hush. Noomstein. Avalanches. Can you send, I'm going to address this to both of them because I can't remember which one the wizard is. Can you send. The wizard remember which one the wizard is. Can you send... The wizard's the one wearing the hat.

Are you capable of sending a message back to any of our other allies? Lushen thinks for a moment and says Yes! I am capable of... He gets socked in the belly by Gorub, who also doubles over

coughing because that's his belly too. Oh my god. He gets socked in the belly by Gorub, who also doubles over coughing, because that's his belly, too. Oh, my God. Both of them are coughing heavily, but Gorub manages to splutter out. Do you hear him talking? You idiot, you're causing avalanches. I'm causing avalanches. Hector, you need to make a dexterity saving throw when a big tuft of snow hits you from behind.

Oh, my God. Can I? I hate these guys. You managed to keep standing. Excellent. I imagine I was not paying too much attention and just like, yeah, just like hand on like the bridge of my nose, just pinching it being like, please, please.

Why? Why did we bring these two? There's been a possible disturbance. I'm going to try and keep my voice level and hope they copy me. In Valakai, we need to get a message to Yenda or to Woken or, yeah, any of our allies in that area. And hopefully they can reply to us as well. I mean, they send a message back. You somehow, no actually

when you speak in a low voice, Lushen is about to yell but then Gorob looking at you says yes, can you do that Lushen? He says it in a very condescending way, quite obviously picking up on your whispering

Lushen picks up on the two of you whispering, becomes very insulted. You see he goes red in the face from more than just getting socked in the gut. And he also lowers his voice, not wanting to be embarrassed. Thank God. Yes, I can send a message of 25 words or less to a creature that I am familiar with. Okay. Witnessed explosion in Valakai. Is everything okay?

Maybe it should be observed. Observed. Hang on, hang on. Change it to observed. Is everything verbatim? Yeah, yeah. no, no. Maybe it should have been observed. Can you change to observed?

Yep, got it all. Observed. I run my hands down my snout. Observed explosion. I want to start picking that, I guess, mannerism up as well. Like rubbing my... I think you're the second person to do that as well. I forget who.

Someone else I described as doing that. Just rubbing my nose as if it were a snout kind of thing. Just like, yeah. It's carbon. Do you have that? No. Did you not hear? Explosion. Observed not hear? Explosion.

Observed explosion. In. In. Valakai. Valakai. Yes. Yes. Is everything.

Footstop. Yes. Is everything. Oh my god. Okay. Yes. Is everything. Okay. Yes. Is everything? Okay.

Yes. You're not going to do this to me. Okay, what? Is everything alright? Okay. I just gotta wait till this message is sent off and I can confirm it. Who am I sending it to? Do they know?

Do you have to say from Pip or? Yes, well, they know it's coming from you or from us. They'll know it's coming from me, yes. That's enough. Wizard Supreme, I'll put a little addendum at the end. I really don't think it's necessary. Sign the Wizard Supreme Lushen. Can they respond easily?

Yes, can they send a message back? Is that how they do it? Hang on, hang on. He puts up a hand. I swear to God. Love. I have no hesitation about pushing you off this mountain. Signed, Wizard Supreme

Lushon. He looks up. No, they cannot respond in kind unless they have great and powerful magic. Shut the fuck up. I start doing a gesture like inside voice, inside voice, inside voice. This is my inside voice, voice, voice.

Your. Send it to Woken Keeming. Woke to.ing. Woken? Why writing that down? Why? It's a letter! Did he meet Woken? Has he met Woken?

I don't know, actually. No. Oh, shit. You haven't even met Yenda. Shit. How did you... You encountered them. You'd sent for them. Yeah. How did you send for encountered them. You'd sent for them.

Yeah. How did you send for them? Elaniel. Yeah. They're familiar with Elaniel. They're familiar with Kribbit, because everyone is. Yeah.

So you met Woken or Yen. They didn't meet Woken or Yen. Can you send... Send it to Kribbit. Send it to Kribbit or Eleniel Kribbit or Eleniel And they can send it on Did you meet Eleniel

Did you meet Eleniel Yes We know Eleniel You didn't meet Yes you did That might be a lie You didn't meet You at least met Kribbit

They know Kribbit Everyone knows Kribbit Send it to Kribbit And then Kribbit God willing Will send it on Yes They did.

We caught up with the millennials there. Okay. Yes. Do we want to hedge our bets and just send it to Kribbit, though? I could send it to Piran. Why? Why? We're meeting.

Why would you do that? To what end? Or maybe he could get the message on. Enlighten me. We're going. Actually, wait. Wait. It could be right in the face. Wait. he could get the message on. Enlighten me. We're going. Actually, wait. No, wait. It could be right in the face.

Wait, Pip, Pip, hang on. Send that one to Kribbit, but maybe we could send one to, a message to Piran as well. Send. Send three. Jackson, you look so bad. It's great. I've never been able to do this to anyone. Yes.

Send that to. This is a quite powerful spell, just letting you know. I can send three, but that's me. No, no, no. Oh, it's already sent. I'm kidding. Just send... I don't want you to send that message to Pippin.

Oh, I sent the same message to everyone. No, don't just... Just dig a snow cave, curl in there for a week. I'm out. Kieran with a set of pliers tearing someone's fingernails out, getting a message. Wizard Supreme. Oh, no.

To Keening. Observed explosion of Valakai. Is everything all right? Signed, Wizard Supreme Lushen. What? Who? What? Krippus.

Took Keening. Yeah, that's right. I don't think I'd do anything about this. Sent to this one by mistake. To do anything with this message would be federal crime. Have you sent anything yet? Pause if you haven't. Please don't send anything. Oh, sorry, I'm finishing the spell now. No, I haven't sent anything, of course, I'm not a

Can you say, can you, uh, say What do you take me for? To cribbit? To cribbit? To, wait, wait, is it to cribbit and to We're running out of words. Let us start again. Let us start again. Oh my start again. Oh, my God. I need to go for a walk.

Can you... Two cribbit. Maybe I go over to the snow, Adam, and just plunge my face into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got this. I've got this. Okay, two cribbit.

Saw an explosion in Valakai. Saw... An explosion... An explosion... In Valakai Saw An explosion An explosion In Valakai Hang on Let me write this down This motherfucker

Swear to god Anything more annoying than them together is Lushen on his own Full stop Full stop Get Get Elaniel Elaniel them together is luscious on his own uh huh uh huh full stop full stop get get elaniel elaniel

how do you spell elaniel e-l-a-n-i-a-l it's you're in the snow yeah pips don't

engage get elaniel uh to to send a message contact send a message to Keening if everything is all right. We're done. End of message. Hector. Okay. Is alright. We're done. End of message.

Hector. Okay. Hector. Is this 25 words? Do we need to make an enum? 19 words. You're lucky. Because it's very funny because I would have just had them sent.

Oh, I know. I'm aware. I'm aware. Can you send that to Cribbit? Send. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And you don't want me to send? All right. One's plenty. I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware

I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware

I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware

I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware

I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware I'm aware It's a third level spell. We can't, yeah. I was thinking maybe it'd be good to send one to... To cover our bases. To cover our bases. But if it's third level...

Then two parent to be like, we're on our way. Oh, yeah. It's the highest level spell that they have. So let's not do that. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. You pack up your bedroll. You kick out the campfire. You get up.

You start hiking. Tarpos, in between the two of you, Hector and Pip, leans over and says, You needed to send message? Yes. Oh. I can also do. You didn't think perhaps Tapos, when I was yelling at Lushen, that that might be a good moment to speak up? Didn't occur to you?

Tapos, do you? She shakes her head, yelling. I just, like, Tapos, quick, do you need to have known the person to send? So if I, okay. I missed the check. I get animal. Infuse magic. Tell area.

Give description. Animal find. Okay, can you send a message to Perrin? Describe Perrin? I've strode ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't be having this. My blood pressure.

Can you just ask, is there a word limit? 25 words. So the same thing. Is this going to drain you of magics? Small magic. Small, you say? Yeah. Good stuff. I just start nodding. Well, actually, small magic

or spell can be quick for small magic or I spend time, make an altar, take about an hour. No magic. Fuck yeah. Hey, how long

did that conversation with Gorub and Larshan go for? It felt like a million years, buddy. My entire life. It felt like civilization froze and fall in the span of that conversation. Looking up towards the gatehouse where the goat might be.

I reckon you could give one more of those conversations a go and you might outlive Strahd. Let's do a quick message. Quick spell? If they could find Pyrrhon and tell them that Hector and Pip are on their

way to Kutcheri. If you could be on the lookout for us. She purses her lips. And a bird flutters from a nearby tree onto her hand. She whispers the message, sends the bird off. Painless. Very impressive, says Gorob. Gorob and Lushen spend the next 20 minutes blowing her the fuck up, talking about how great that was.

Of course. She does not respond. Keeping her eyes straight ahead, refuses to engage. Tapos, if you could, and this might be a bit too much to ask, but if you could perhaps tell those two that you would appreciate it when they were talking in a lower volume. Just say you would love it if they could talk in a lower volume. They're yammering on. Won't stop. Won't shut up.

Tarpos says, Gornob, Lushen. They – it's silent. You forgot what silence was like. Oh, it's so nice. It's silent You forgot what silence was like Oh it's so nice We are Dangerous on Mountain

Must be quiet They nod slowly Both of them put their fingers to their lips And not even fighting Trudge in silence Thank you I'm just walking forward I still have Pop with me don't I

I'm muttering at Pop Who I imagine is pecking at my legs or whatever. Swear to God, Pop, I'll kill them all. Every, like, three steps, Pop pecks at your Achilles heel. I've become used to it. You got hardened heels. Tiger gallows. Yeah. Okay. Okay, as you approach, you can see you're getting a much better view of this gatehouse or whatever it is.

You can see on your left, Mount Gakus goes pretty much almost vertical. You would need climbing equipment to go up. And to your right, it goes basically the same but down. So you are pretty much confined to this path going forwards or backwards. There seems to be no other option, which is probably the purpose of this gate. Yeah. If you wanted to get up Mount Gakus, you need to pass through this gate. To be continued... to Sandspans Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot,

where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice and join us on this epic quest of D&D podcast discovery.