D&D is For Nerds - Vampire Infested Barovia II #2 Run to the Baron

Episode Date: May 13, 2023

Saving a city makes for strange bedfellows as the party make a mad-cap dash to the Burgeomaster’s mansion. Hecktor deals with bats the only way he knows how; foolhardy and direct while Pip concerns himself with table manners by reciting a prayer to the god of politeness. Want ad-free and even more bonus content? Just check out the Imagination Adventures show page on Apple podcasts! Music by the ever wonderful Lepidora, you can check out her music here. And head to peddlerspress.store to peruse our D&D themed merch store and help support the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem, ahem. You're listening to the Sans Pants Network. Let this one tell that one a tale. The story of great heroes marooned without a sea, stranded in a place of nightmares called Barovia. The antagonist, a creature known as Strahd Von Zarovich. As all great epics, someone must die. Either Strahd or our heroes.

People start screaming as they make their way towards the church. You get maybe a minute down the street before the bats start coming in again. I'll take it. All right. I'm going to fire a spray shot at the bats start coming in again. I'll take it. All right. I'm going to fire a spray shot at the bats to try and buy it. Whatever. I'll buy six seconds.

You stop, turn, fire. You kill a ton of bats, but it's actually just not enough bats. By volume, you are not draining bats at the same rate as bats are appearing. And so the crowd that you have begins to be torn apart. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Okay. Any other grenades? You, of your 50 wards, you lose six who are picked up, torn apart, or just fall over because they are so weighed down by bat. just fall over because they are so weighed down by bat. Those are the ones that are the worst because you hear them so close to you screaming

and you can see as these ivory bats become red with blood. Okay. I am going to make another grenade. Okay. Danica and Erwin are firing their crossbows,

but neither of them are warriors. There's not a lot they can do. Okay. I'm just burning through whatever I got, right? So I'm going to use a Hag Eye because that's force damage. I'm going to use another Sapphire because that's seeking. And I'm out of legendary powers so oh no i have a diamond left so i'm going to put on a diamond as well i don't think you can one rock one rock per turn

yeah uh oh no i get heaps of dragon blood immunity to energy whatever i'm using it for the legendary power okay cool dunk it in the dragon blood throw it again all right so that's another explosive one with thunderous damage no force damage force damage. Force damage. All right. It does not have nearly the same effect, but, well, it doesn't have the same effect on the bat population in the area. But once again, ducking down, you're hit, you're buffeted by a wave of force transferred to you through bats. You create another hole of another zone of no bats that the people are able to flee through. You're three minutes down the road or two minutes from the church. All right, that's good.

But the bats still are just unrelenting. From the six that were killed before, you lose another eight. Okay. Oh, fuck. All right, one more time. I'm chucking a hair guy. As you begin creating this concoction, the bats just flutter away.

They abandon you completely. They've not left the city, but the street you are in currently is clear of all bats. That can't be a good sign. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not happy about it. You look up from your little alchemy kit, maybe at Danica and Erwin,

who are staring eastwards along the road. Yeah. Kribbit pulls at your sleeve. You look down at Kribbit, and he says, Who is that? Oh, no. You recognize Escher from your previous encounter.

He stands in the middle of the street. Behind him is a vampire spawn, which is completely stationary, but you can see its eyes are moving around in awful darting. Kind of independently of each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In awful darting directions. That's no good. Escher standing there, you can see he has in one hand

a ledger of sorts like a big leather bound book you can see there are little markers in it in all sorts of places he's got a quill and a pocket watch in the other hand you can see he's checking it and then he makes a little note in his ledger yep uh peep mandarin he says he starts flipping through the ledger yeah uh i'm ignoring him and I'm just gonna keep making something alchemical I'm not buying into whatever bullshit it's not worth my time I'm gonna combine some

a pinch of shadow for undead bane with some shambling moss so it grips to my arrows and let's chuck some more dragon blood on that so it's got a legendary power your intention is to create undead Bane weapons? Yeah, pretty much. Yep, yep, yep.

As you're doing that, Escher notices what you're doing and he, gesturing to the vampire spawn behind him, says, deal with him. No longer than a minute. He turns and walks away. Fuck, vampire spawns are so tough. The vampire spawn. Oh, vampire spawns are so tough. The vampires spawn. Oh, that's bad.

Charges like, oh, that's real bad. All right. Hector. Yes. Fuck. Right. Heading into the Valakai, I guess, from where I am, what's the situation in terms of, I guess, access to Valakai? Well, you can see that this western gate is destroyed.

As you approach, the two winch blocks that raise and lower the gate, both of them have been turned into molten slags, just heaps of metal. So you can see that something has been done to sabotage the gates. As you approach, you hear the bats, the many fluttering wings of bats but apart from that it's quiet inside valakai right now okay great news okay so that

uh does it look like if i was able to destroy any mechanism there with any kind of um like energy holy energy that it could get in i could get in? Unfortunately, from your side, there doesn't appear to be anything you could do except blow a hole in the wall, basically. How strong are the walls? They're wooden, like about the thickness of a tree trunk, shall we say, all around. And then there's the gate itself, which is a simple metal portcullis with a set of heavy-looking oaken doors behind it.

Okay. How are the hinges? The hinges would not be facing the outside. Okay. The portcullis, first off, doesn't have hinges, and then they have an oaken doors. The hinges would be on the inside. Okay. Because I've only really got, like, a sacred flame or a word of radiance to do some damage right now.

Or a horse, and maybe I have a bit of rope and I don't really want to climb I forget you're the horse, as you approach the horse starts bucking, it doesn't want to get in it doesn't want to get close get off the horse so this is the western entrance, do we know of any other

entrances? Yeah there's a northern entrance which I assume you've had a conversation with Pip where he told you that the northern entrance was destroyed, but for different reasons. And then you know there is an eastern entrance as well. Is there anything like a southern entrance? There is no southern entrance to Valakai. Okay. Okay. Okay! As I was approaching, I guess there's so much bats around. Is there anywhere around the gates, around the walls where the bats aren't heavy?

Looking around, it's just a blanket of bats. You could not tell. It moves so quickly as well. Like if there's a gap, it closes immediately. All right. Do I think looking at the sort of, I guess, the portcullis and then the door and then looking at the actual walls if my time is going to be better spent trying to work through these doors and portcullis or better spent maybe breaking a hole in the wall i mean like you think you'd have an easier time climbing than you would breaking a hole in the wall okay i mean you could it might be safer with the bats up there but it it's going to be time

consuming yeah i just i got I just if I can find a if I can do it quietly and without the bats noticing is basically what I'm trying to do and if I can't do that I don't think you could do it quietly I don't think you could do it quietly the bats don't seem to be coming down

on they're not getting low on this side I mean there's some like a few crawling around here and there kind of like imagine imagine like a mass of flies and kind of there's some you know yeah there's some here and there but they don't seem to be massing low outside the the gate so you don't think unless something changed you don't think you'd be in danger hacking away. It just would take a while is all. Okay. Well, I guess I start.

I just test one out with a sacred flame to try and burst through. Was I thinking that the gate would be better or the wall? The gate is probably. The gate's thinner, I guess. Yeah, yeah. I guess the gate's thinner, yeah. Yeah, I try the gate, I try and find maybe a weak spot. Is Sacred Flame a cantrip?

Sure is. Okay, well, in that case, you can... Well, it does radiant damage, so unfortunately it's not like it's perfectly suited, but it is an endless resource that you have. So I would say, in time, you could burn your way through the with holy light you could burn a hole in the portcullis and then a hole in the heaven heavy oaken doors it just it just takes a while because like we're talking like 10 minutes a while we're talking um an hour oh maybe not an

hour but at least i would say 15 minutes can i I even climb the wall? Is there even a purchase for me to climb? The walls are made out of, like I said, stripped pine trees. So there is natural little handholds here and there. It's not like it's designed for this. You will need to roll, but you could do it. Okay. First thing would be cast Sacred Flame

on the port colors or anything near there that does nothing I look around is there anything I can drape over myself for protection any like anything at all there's a few broken items that people were trying to take with them as they fled

a rug? let's go with a high nothing as useful as a rug unfortunately the most you could get is a boot alright Let's go with highs. Highs, nothing as useful as a rug, unfortunately. The most you could get is a boot. All right. Time is of the essence. I just start clambering.

I just start clambering. All right. You manage to get up to the top of the wall. You bring your hands up to defend yourself as bats start swooping and scratching you. A dozen cuts are made along your arms, but you take no damage. Without any trouble, you can climb back down.

It's meant to be manned. The wall is meant to be manned, so you can get down. Do I? Well, okay. So coming from this side, the west, what am I going to hit first? I'm going to hit first? I'm going to hit the church, blue water inn.

Okay. Would it be, do I think it's going to be quicker if I, I guess if I'm running around the outskirts on the wall, do I just think that is just going to be littered with bats and there is no safe place there? There is a gap between any buildings and the wall. It's kind of like a no man's land. Basically, you can see a lot of corpses all over the place of many people who thought that running in the open ground would be the safest option. One look at that open ground with its many corpses and you decide that you

would much rather go from building to building. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Well, let's, um,

let's try and get to the church first try and get to the church first as you make a mad dash for the first building you get swooped oh okay hey adam yes can i look for like an opening the safest opening that i can uh that will provide me like basically i want to try and go through this protect it i want to try and do this without taking as much damage as humanly possible because i am on such little thing and i just want to uh you chuck cash in a good boy card to i just see it i see it adam i just see it for one round only but you do just see it all right you it it's like those like i was saying before there's those gaps that appear every now and then, but they close themselves up before you could ever take advantage of them. Until you realize that the gaps actually, it's kind of like watching flowing water.

The gap doesn't close. It just isn't there. It's over there now. And for one round, you are able to predict where those gaps are. And using that, you get to the first house without taking any damage. Nicely done. Nicely done. Excellent.

Okay. Looking around this house, is there anything that I can either use as a form of cover? Some kind of chair? You find a rug you could drape over yourself. It'll provide you with some protection. I guess that is enough. Better than nothing. Better than nothing. I will just grab that. I will drape it above my head and I will try and

look for where I'm going next. What do I see? You see there is kind of like a uh the next building along from you has a if you use it right you realize there is a what do you call it a veranda to the building you're currently in and a veranda to the next building and if you use it cleverly you can duck from one to the other without being exposed, basically. Okay, let's do that. Let's do that. Let's do that. All right, you get to the next one.

Okay. You're moving along. One more check before you hit the church. Okay. Okay. Okay. I get a bad boy card. Oh, wait, no.

It's a saving throw. Oh, by the way, do you have anything? This is a dexterity saving throw. Do you have anything for a dex saving throw? It was a failed saving throw, was it? It's a failed saving throw, yes. Let's just reroll that, Adam. Nicely done. Nicely done. Do you have anything else for deck saving throw? A failed saving throw, was it? It's a failed saving throw, yes. Let's just reroll that, Adam. Nicely done, nicely done.

You have anything else for a saving throw? If another player succeeded, did you succeed in the check in the last minute? He did. He's not another player, though. He's another player for me. How can I hurt you in exchange for this? What's the problem? Let's see what the problem is.

The problem will be bats. It's bats. I promise you, the problem is further bats. All right, I know what I'm doing. Robbing the DM. Demand any item the players have. If they do not give it up, this card counts as any other bad boy card. I want your holy symbol.

Oh. Nah. Well, alright. Get batted, I guess. I want a good boy card in exchange for a bad boy card. What do you got? Show them to me. Okay, I got... Yeah, just let me read them quick. Take the bad boy card. Give me another bad boy card. No, I gotta take a good boy card. You can roll on the wild magic table.

I want this I learned it from you check. Ah, damn it. Oh, boy. You can roll on the wild magic. I want this I learned it from you check. Oh damn it Well, but wait you spent this on you spend it on this that's spent. Oh, yeah Show me yours. Damn it. You got anything good? Nah You got anything are you good, too? Yeah, give me the for me once yeah, that's right. No fucking lie detector for you and in exchange, okay? To give you heal or burnout, take the lowest healing result

here, I'll give you this rocks fall, you all die, a player steps on a trap I can use it for an NPC who falls on a trap I'd allow that, yeah, absolutely I'd allow it, sure that'd be funny then, you can set up a trap make it really obvious

Make the worst trap in the world Anyway And in exchange I will allow you to count Zamet As the person who passed the dexterity Zamet is another player from me He's another player from you It counts, it's a technicality but we got there

That's allowed Hector You leap from you. Yeah, it counts. It's technicality, but we got there. Yeah, that's allowed. Alright. Hector? Yeah? You leap over the low fence that protects the graveyard to the church. You start sprinting for the door next to the graveyard, and Hank,

Penia, and Gnomes. Oh, no. Fuck. As you look up, you see high above you, clawing onto the bell tower, a vampire spawn staring

back down at you. As you look at it, you realize that its face, it has no eyes. Oh no. It is just nose, mouth, and then skin where eyes should be. It quite clearly, like, obviously it doesn't have eyes to see you, but by the way it looks down, you can tell that it's seen you. All right.

Instead of stopping for whatever reason, which may very well have ended in your death, you just leap headfirst into the church. You with a thump lined inside bowling several people over because it is shoulder to shoulder in here i just closed the door like all right uh so how do you show a holy symbol to a blind vampire that's true cool I get up. I just survey to see if Agogash, Yender, Pip, Father Lucian are here. You scan around the room. It's very hard to see anything except the people immediately in front of you

because there's no personal space in this room. But scanning around, you spot Father Lucian over by the door. I go to him. I should say the main door. I go to him. As you approach Father Lucian, you can see relief covering his face. Oh, my child, please

come here, come here. I go to him. He is going to heal you. How nice is that? While I'm doing that, can I just have a cheeky divine sense? Yeah, give me one tick on that.

I want to see what's surrounding this building and how many. A lot of them is the answer. That's fucked up. You recover 25 hit points. How nice is that? Oh, my God, Zammatov. To being on five for like a million years.

You can get hit by bats now. You recover a further 26 hit points. Oh, my God. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. Father Lucian looks exhausted from the effort of what he just did. I have no magic left within me now. Me neither.

This is dark times indeed. Your friend, he came by, Pip. Pip, yes. How long ago? And they would have been by maybe half an hour, less, I'm not sure. Do you know where he went? There are several other places within town that I know to be safe. He might have gone to one of these places. The orphanage, watcher house, the burgomaster's mansion,

and then somewhere perhaps in the eastern part of town. That is where this began, it seems. Then in the east, what is in the eastern part of town. That is where this began, it seems. Then in the east. What is in the east? What is in the east? Is that where the Castle Ravenloft is towards the east? Castle Ravenloft is towards the east, yes. I wouldn't ask why.

That just seems to make sense. The town market is in that direction alright apart from this as in did it come from over the walls or was it in the did it come

did it start in the town I I mean do you know do you know I could not say with any certainty my friend but

I believe it started within the town within the town the stockyard he says it is in the stockyard. It is just a place of industry.

Wood is felt, not felt, sorry. Wood is processed in the area. Do you know where they would take prisoners yesterday? Do you know where they would have taken anybody? Is there a guardhouse? If guards took prisoners, they would have taken them perhaps to the

Burgermaster's mansion unless they worked for Lady Watcher in which case guards just don't take prisoners much in Valachai at all and the Burgermaster house that was it is to my understanding safe for similar reasons as

to this place is safe if you cast Divine Sense, it's probably too far away, high up. It's got the wood in between you and it. Again, when I finish this conversation, I'll do either a perimeter if I can to see exactly how far away things are and maybe try and count them.

Is there a way up to the bell tower of the church? Yes, you can climb up the bell tower, yes. Right, it might just be worth a vantage point to have a look of what is going on. He takes you up to the pushing and shoving, you make your way to the back of the church, where he shows you a ladder that you can climb to get up to the bell. Is there anybody

here that can help protection of everyone downstairs, or is it? What do you mean? There are a few members of the town guard here. If anybody breaks... If anything breaks in... If something breaks in, my friend,

he puts a hand on your shoulder. We will put up a fight, but if they break in, I think that is it. Okay. I will maybe, maybe yep start climbing up the bell tower and see if i can try and have a sense of uh the most before i get into any kind of exposed open air i want to like make sure that i'm not just like walking into a vampire you're halfway up the ladder you use divine sense you're still halfway up the ladder. You use divine sense. You're still halfway up the ladder

is in the actual bell tower itself. So imagine you're on a ladder, which is up against the wall. Up above you, you can see the bell. You know that if there were no wood here, if there were no walls here, you would have a pretty commanding view of Valakai all around you being this high up.

When you use your divine sense, you see on the opposite side of the wall from you perfectly in line with you, mirroring your movements, is an undead presence. Good to see.

What do I... You hear the doors below you explode open. Good to see you. What do I... Punch through the wall into it. You hear the doors below you explode open. Alrighty. There's some screaming and some commotion below. What is the vampire spawn? What have they done? Anything?

It, well, you can't really see. It's not like a perfect outline. Yeah, okay, yeah, right. So you see it shift when that happens, but it doesn't leave. I'm just like, if it is attacking me, but if not, then I go down and try and do a very hurried controlled descent. Okay. Splinter your palms. Yeah, you're fine. Maybe the ladder got oiled recently.

You slide down without any effort, get to the bottom, and you can see some more people are rushing into the church. There is really not enough room. The walls, people are being pushed up against the walls. You hear glass shatter and you look over and see a man has been shoved, from just the pushing and shoving, a person has been shoved

into a window and he with an elbow broke it. When that happens, everyone goes quiet for a second. I want to call out, but I can't. Nothing else happens, though. I want to grab a person next to me and just say, pass it down the line. Grab a person next to me and just say, pass it down the line.

If a vampire spawn comes into this church, brandish any holy symbol that you believe in at it and pray with all your might for it to leave us alone. And I want to start maybe saying that to a bunch of different people. Who just came in? Do I notice who came in? You can't see them through the thronging mask. You can see, however, that once that man who got partially his elbow broke the window, he turns around and everyone is in a panic.

And when he turns around, he wants to get away from the window as much as possible. And so does everyone else near that. Oh, no. And then what happens is that a wave goes through the crowd of people pushing to get away. You hear a crack. And then turning around, you can see another person has been pushed so hard that they have broken some of the wall. Broken some of the wooden wall. I want to be yelling as hard as I can, which is above a faint whisper.

You just can't be heard. I know, I know, I know. At first it's slow, and then it gets faster and faster. I want to be pushing my way to what do I think is going to break first? What do I think is going to break first? One of the doors buckles completely

and a man falls halfway out of the church. I want to be there. When that happens, you hear screaming and the man suddenly reappears as he is dragged up. Okay. I want to go there. All right. You start pushing go there. All right. You start pushing your way in that direction.

It's not easy, but you're doing it. Unfortunately, then you hear another terrific crashing sound. You look and you see a woman has been pushed clear out one of the other windows. She screams and is picked up by something moving unnaturally quickly. Get to the roof. Fight them on the roof. All right. How close?

The crowd begins pushing and shoving. How close is the ladder? How close is the ladder? It's, well, you've got to push your way back to the ladder, I suppose, but you could do it in a turn. Yeah. You... Bad boy card for me.

Oh, no. The eastern wall begins to buckle from so many people being pushed up against it. The church, the entire church, lists a little in that direction. Oh, no. How the hell do you calm a crowd down? Father Lucian, you can see, is trying to get a handle on this but people are just not having it if i no one is listening to reason right now if i can i does how bright is light how bright is light um oh no all of the candles within the church go out at once. Father Lucian's voice booms from high above like the voice of the gods themselves. Calm yourselves, my congregation.

Father Lucian, his eyes begin to glow with a soft haze and his robes billow out all around him. The crowd begins to calm down, but the church nonetheless is groaning. It has taken some severe structural damage. If I was to speak, could I now in the silence, could I be heard? Above the bats, above people still walking? Probably not. Am I close to Father Lucian? Father Lucian can see you and he gestures for you to come over to him. Okay, cool.

I do that and I will tell him how to stop the vampire spawn. Father Lucian grabs you, pulls you in close and he says Pip needs your help. Head along the main road. You will find him. He clashes with a monster alright I run

wait he says before you go he breathes a heavy sigh and you can see he's fighting with himself but there's also not a lot of time so he doesn't leave a lot of time for the combat he says please take this and then he begins it's maybe a little unusual at first, but he begins taking his cloak off.

Underneath his cloak, you can see he wears a shimmering breastplate. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Finally, armor. The breastplate beneath bears the symbol of the morning lord. It's just a chest and back plate and maybe shoulders. I start just like taking off any sort of furs or any sort of like cloak that I've got on.

And thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. He gives it to you. You will need it more than I. Thank you. Thank you. I immediately start like just buckling it up

as I'm walking through the door. Maybe I will have grabbed like the cloak so I can wrap it around it as well. Sure. And then push my way through the door. This suit of armor allows you to, once per long rest, recover a first-level spell slot. Oh. Oh. Okay.

Hubba hubba. I. It is only usable by paladins as well. just in case you're like, oh, here, Jackson,

have a spell, not that you have spells, but Jackson, have a spell slot back. Only usable by paladins. I, does it have, if I notice that,

if that, I just do it. You, as you don the, as you don the breastplate and its matching shoulder pieces, you perhaps become innately aware of this ability. And then I just say thank you. And as I open the door to go outside, I cast protection from good and evil on myself.

Okay. I will not typically, well, in fifth ed, that's not how it works. But I will allow typically Well In fifth ed That's not how it works But I will allow As you cast that upon yourself You create a little bubble Only big enough for yourself But a little bubble

An aura if you will Where the bats will not touch you Nice You begin sprinting your way East Yeah Yeah The vampire spawn leaps at you

and it's going to make two claw attacks. Well, maybe a claw and a bite if it can get you. Oh yeah, alright. Maybe it's going to be a claw and a bite. Maybe I'll do a little bit of a bite attack. Okay. Do I have to make any checks? In a minute.

Become vampire, Jack. You take eight points of damage piercing as the vampire slashes you with its claws. The vampire, when it slashes you, it kind of, right as its claw is leaving you, it hooks around your armor and drags you in. Now you need to make a grapple. Okay.

You're going gonna fail. A reroll of strikes? Yeah. Yes, please. With advantage? Yeah. Probably specify that next time. I'll just not give it to you next time.

You succeed. Okay, thank god. So it's a second claw attack. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Okay, that's another hit. Oh, fuck. You take... Oh, well, I's another hit. Fuck. You take... Oh, well, I'll be damned.

10 points of damage. Oh, no, I'm gonna be really low. 27. Okay, all right. It slashes with its other claw and then uses that to draw you in. You need to make a grapple check. You pass. Thank God, thank God.

And then it is your turn, Pip. Okay, I'd like to you can hear scribbling and you look behind you but Kribbit is fumbling with his loot you look in front of you and you see Escher

is riding in his ledger I don't even pay attention to him I pull my crossbow out like bury it deep in the vampire spawn's guts and fire off two shots and I'm gonna use my last sharp shot move

and make it a... I thought you were about to say make it a dirty shot. That's a good one. I'll make it a defensive shot. Okay. Hit, hit. Do you have any...

Didn't you put something on your bow? Yeah, it's just got undead bane. And legendary power or something. What does legendary power do? Just kind of supersizes it. It's basically just a supersize, yeah. If a creature is of legendary power,

you'll typically need to use it. Like Escher, for example. Yeah, you're right. 10, 20, 25 Hell yeah 27, you deal 33 points of damage To the vampire's phone Fuck off

It hisses at you And then Tries to drag you in close And it's mouth moves So you know how I describe them As moving like... Puppets? No, not puppets.

Stop motion. Stop motion. Imagine a stop motion animation that is only open mouth, closed mouth. Open mouth, closed mouth. Open mouth, closed mouth. And it's dragging you in towards that. It's Cribbit's turn. Cribbit, with a string of magic from behind you,

you hear him muttering a poem under his breath. You don't even know what poem he's muttering, but it reminds you of a prayer that you get stuck in the back of your head. Some prayer to worshipping Gregory Bones, or maybe just, well, worshipping Gregory Bones. Is it a worship of Gregory Bones, or is it how to set a table? Who's to say? In either case, you get bardic inspiration, a D8 to a ability check,

attack, roll, saving throw, or damage for the next 10 minutes. Dessert forks remain on the outside of the plate. And then Kribbit, he whispers something about the vampire spawn's haircut being fucking lame.

Double damage. Yep. That's 12 points of damage. All right. Nice. Nice, nice, nice. It's the vampire spawn's turn. The vampire spawn heals a little damage.

Oh, really cool stuff. Love that for him. I love that for this vampire spawn. And then it's going to make a bite attack against you. Oh, it'll make a claw attack first. Disadvantage because of the defensive shot. How long is that for? Just next shot?

Just next attack, yeah. That's a miss. It misses you with its claw. Yeah. And then, oh, good job. Natty won. Thank God. Oh, fucking hell.

Pray for a high number. That's a shame. Oh, well.. Pray for a high number. Ah, that's a shame. Oh, wow. Like, you can't win them all. Yeah, you truly can't. Failed to find the joints. Its next attack does minimum damage. All right, that's good.

And then it is back to you, Pip. Okay. Do I think that Esha is going to attack after this? Or is Escher just watching? He's making notes. He's looking at you and making notes carefully. He's maybe busted out a set of spectacles. You know how you'll have one half is just

regular glass, the other half is magnified glass? He's using that to look up and down from you. Look, he's not the direct threat right now. And also, weirdly, he can be reasoned with, or at least talked to. So I keep attacking the... How much attention would you have paid to...

Oh, I guess you might have paid a bit of attention to Keening talking about Escher. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, in a... Obviously, you wouldn't call it this, but in a psych profile... Yeah, yeah, yeah. ...that Keening made of Escher.

He described Escher as being a reluctant but faithful pawn of Strahd. He's not happy about his position, but he does definitely does not see an alternative to it. Cool, cool. Keening thought, Keening knew he couldn't reason with Escher. Yeah, yeah. Couldn't turn him from Strahd, but he could. He was like, maybe there is something to use to distract Escher. Couldn't turn him from Strahd, but he could. He was like, maybe there is something to use to distract Escher there.

Okay. That's good to know. But, I mean, there's nothing I can do about it now. So, in a reverse of what the vampire's trying to do to me, I'm gonna clamp onto its neck and then I'm gonna breathe my last flame attack onto its head. Nice. It fails a dexterity saving throw.

Hell yeah. It takes 16 points of damage, and it definitely did not like that. Yes. Cook. Then that was your turn, Pip. It is Kribbit's turn. Kribbit... Oh, would you like to use the extra D8 damage?

Yeah, actually, yeah, I will. That's an extra 5 points of damage. After every bite of dessert, dab your chin so as not to leave unsightly stains. You, yeah, you bathe from neck to foot. You bathe the vampire spawn in flames. Kribbit gives you another point of bardic inspiration. He keeps, he maybe, he's like, he's muttering to himself as well. Never forget to check that your neighbor has enough to eat.

Then Cribbit's probably going to cast Vicious Mockery again. Oh no, can he do it twice? Can you make the same joke about his haircut twice? I feel like it'll be funnier one more, yeah, two times in a row. Shit haircut. Yeah, you made me laugh. Failed to have a throw. It takes another 10 points of damage.

All right. Then it is the vampire spawn's turn. Yeah. The vampire spawn is going to bite. Oh, okay. We're just biting each other's necks. That's all this fight is. Miss.

But unfortunately, with one hand around your neck it begins to squeeze. You feel your esophagus begin to crush. This is minimum, right? Minimum damage. Oh, that's right. Yes, it would be than...

You take five points of damage. Okay, that's right. Yes, it would be than Giggity. Giggity, Giggity, Giggity. You take five points of damage. Okay, that's not so bad. That's not so bad. You're on 22. That's pretty bad, but could be worse.

Okay. And then it is your turn, Pip. I'm just going to fire two. Oh, and it heals. No, it didn't fire. It doesn't heal. It didn't flame.

Oh, it's bloodied. Oh, my God. It's fucked up that it took that long to bloody it. I'm going to plug it with two more arrows. I can't make them special. I'm out of juice. Ah, I'm missing a miss.

The vampire spawn grabs your crossbow, wrenches it upwards, and you fire two bolts straight into the air. At least they weren't special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got nothing for it. And then it's Cribbit's turn. Cribbit, you tell me a joke about it

that makes me laugh. Either one of you, I don't mind. Once again, looking at him like, it is such shit hair. I cannot believe how terrible it is. Maybe is there a famous puppet he could say it looked like? I don't know. Who's a famous puppet? Stop much animation.

Stop much animation. What have we got? Wallace and Gromit? Yeah. Let's kill this Wallace and Gromit looking motherfucker. Alright. I'll give it to you. Alright. It takes... Another 10 points of damage. Two times good.

Three times bad. Three times down the drain. I shouldn't have just let you go until you got it. That's not on. You snooze, you lose. That's why it was a one joke each. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly.

We'll workshop it. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Turning to look behind him, uses his mantle of inspiration to grant eight temporary hit points to himself, you Pip, and then you Hector. Hector, it's your turn. Oh, right. I would

like to cast Sacred Flame on this vampire spawn as I start charging in. It's a dex saving throw. What? Failed. Excellent. 2d8? Sure is. Radiance damage too. Nice. The vampire spawn I don't think is

vulnerable to radiant damage, but it's not resistant either. No, it's not. It just takes 8 points of damage. Still. Yeah, could be worse. And then I start running up towards Pip. And then it is the vampire spawn's turn. So, what can the vampire spawn do?

Don't bite me. I guess it's gonna bite you. Miss. Okay. Lucky little bitch. Hit. It continues to crush your windpipe. Oh, God. You will take

nine points of damage. Okay. Alright. Could be worse. You're only on 13, though. Yeah, yeah. Could be worse, but honestly not much worse. Yeah, I mean, yeah, Pip, it's your turn. Okay. Does a bolt count as a stake?

I would say I would allow it, yes okay, I would like to can I fire one bolt into it and then a silver bolt as well, I don't know if this is going to do anything but I just remembered I have 20 silver bolts fire a silver bolt we'll overcome damage reduction

yeah, I'll take it and then with the other silver bolt I'll grab two out of my quiver on my back or whatever. One I'll load into the crossbow and fire, and then with my second attack, I'll just drive it into the, like, stake it in the heart. See if I can do that. It's a one-handed thwang.

You fire and hit. It takes nine points of damage. That's good. And then with the other silver bolt in your hand, you attempt to drive it into its heart. Alright, so

it's not easy because this is not, while you can do it, it's not designed to be used like this. And also, you're basically like chest to chest

with this creature. Yeah. So you gotta force the room, put the bolt in, but then when the vampire spawn, without really thinking too much, lunges back in for another bite attack. It impales itself on the silvered crossbow bolt and it turns to dust in your hands.

I'd help you up. I'm fucked up, yeah? Yeah. Is Esher still there? Is Esher still watching us? He finishes making his notes, he closes the ledger, and he seems to be thinking to himself. We've got to get... Where was I going?

I've got to go find a go-gash to the east. I was heading east, I say. I'm keeping my eyes on Esher the whole time. Because if Esher decides to attack us, we run, but Esher might just leave. Esher seems to have concluded whatever he needs to conclude, and he, looking up

at you, says, Val, there is simply nothing else for it. I cannot have the two of you alive. I thought with Keening dead this would be child's play, but you two have thwarted well anyway I am very sorry

I would not normally like to kill unless I must but here we are as he's saying this I imagine maybe with an arm on Hector and Kripp I'm backing us up just away yeah

holding like maybe shield just makes real tight just like white knock limit okay Escher locks into a running position like maybe shield, just makes real tight, just like white knuckle. Okay. Escher locks into a running position, and then he moves 80 feet without provoking attacks of opportunity, and he's behind you.

He doesn't need to move the full 80 feet, obviously. He could if he wanted to. Okay. All right. Sweet. Beans. I simply cannot allow you to return to the church. My calculations, he says tapping the ledger, inform

me that if I were allowed to do this. Anyway. I look to Pip to be like, Get in a fucking house, I say, and I'm gonna duck into the nearest house to us, wherever it is. I'm not even gonna treat this like a combat encounter. This is a dexterity saving throw like you were avoiding a boulder.

But Escher reaches out to grab one of you before you can get into a house. Oh, fuck. Okay. So. Yes? Pip, you fail the dexterity saving throw. Can I roll a skill check with advantage? That's not a skill check.

Oh, no. You have anything for a saving throw? Not a dexterity-based one. What saving throws do you have? Constitution and intelligence. I'll allow you to make, alternatively,

if you want, you can spend that card and you can make this as an intelligence check to be like, I'll duck when he weaves. You know what I mean? Yeah, let's do it.

All right. Let's see how smart you are. Oh. We roll with advantage. With an intelligence? Yeah, let's do it. All right. Let's see how smart you are. Oh. We were all with advantage. Was that with an intelligence? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's, you just. Oh, actually, you know what?

I'll give you intelligence, actually, but spend the card. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time, big time. All right, all right, all right. You, realizing that you, very quickly, you go through your head, you're like, well, if I go this way, I'll miss Escher, but Escher's expecting me to do that. So I'll go that you, very quickly, you go through your head, you're like, well, if I go this way,

I'll miss Escher. But Escher's expecting me to do that. So I'll go that way. But Escher's expecting me to expect that. And then you overthink yourself into the correct solution. And Escher misses you. Escher misses you as well, Hector.

Kribbit, on the other hand, gets grabbed. Oh, no. Unless someone has something to help him. But Adam, would you really fucked up if, like,, Cribbit, on the other hand, gets grabbed. Oh, no. Unless someone has something to help him. But Adam, would be really fucked up if, like, I don't know, Vesha just, like, just stepped on a trap. Interesting. We're just burning through our bad boy cards like fucking crazy

to get through Valakai. Hmm, interesting. What could he... I mean... Alright, alright, alright. Kribbit does the same thing. Okay. Except he does it on purpose, I guess.

And he traps, he quotation marks, traps Escher in a logic puzzle of his own creation. Kind of like when you draw a line in front of a chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. As Escher is reaching out for Kribbit, Kribbit says, this one will dodge left. And Escher is so thrown by what that could mean that Kribbit gets under his arm and all three of you get into a house. Escher turns to look at the three of you inside the house and he makes a very unpleasant face. You're not allowed in, I say, and close the door. Escher, sure enough,

as presumably Emmanuel the Monster has taught you, Escher, as a vampire, cannot enter a building without permission. No one. I turn to both Krobert and even... Just keep it on your mind. If you invite him in and he might try and trick you or whatever, just don't say, oh, you can come in.

Just keep that out of your mind because if you do that, we should be safe. All right. Well, we're safe in this house. If we look around. Just a quick proviso to that as well. I don't know if Emmanuel the Monster specifies this, but the vampire can interpret things. So saying something like, I'll see you on the weekend. Yeah, yeah.

The vampire can take to mean, oh, I'm invited in. I'll see you at, we're going to have some kind of engagement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you coming to the party? Yeah. A vampire could interpret a lot of things. See you around. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Around. So in your house you say. No, no, no. Too late. Yeah. So you just got to be very careful with what you say to Asher. Vampires are tricky fuckers, so basically just don't say anything to him. Okay, well, that is good that we are safe in this house where we can look around.

Is there anything around here? Any people? Oh, God. Anything like that? What do we now have access to? Highs or lows? Let's go high. Lows.

Lows. Lows? Highs, Adam. Lows? Lows. Lows. Oh, Lowe's. Lowe's. Highs, Adam. Lowe's? Lowe's. Oh, God, Adam. Just pick one. Highs, highs.

Who cares? Who cares? Caution to the wind. Highs, highs, highs. Okay, you look around, and this house was quite clearly scheduled for demolition before you were up. All right, damn. The door that you slammed was actually the only door in the building.

All right. Well, we're here now. Maybe go towards a window, peer out where the next, like, I guess, are we heading east to try to find... That's where they said,

that's where Father Lucian said a go-gash, right? We went somewhere to the east. I don't know where. And I don't know where Yender could be. The Dusk Elves are not offering any kind of assistance

or anything like that. Oh, that. They're happy to watch Valakai burn just as they watched them burn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. And the Vistani, well... While they didn't perhaps know about it, they're not exactly unhappy about it.

Well, yeah, they're cunts. I'm like looking out the window, just watching where Escher's going, seeing if Escher's still just hanging around the house. Escher, the very unpleasant look on his face turns to one of impatience, you see. He takes out the ledger and he's flipping through it, and you can see he's trying to do mental math again. He's not going to waste time waiting for us.

We've just got to wait him out. That's all. Look towards the burning of the Valachai and how long do you think he has? I don't know. I shrug. I don't know his schedule. Looking at the burning of the Valachai, looking at where we are, knowing the church and maybe the Burgomaster's

house. Mental math. How long do we have? Until... Oh, until the do we have? Until... Oh, until the fire reaches you? Until the fire reaches us, then presumably the fire reaches the church. It's hard to say.

You're not a firefighter, but... Yeah. I mean, like, you think Valakai is not going to last a day like this. Speaking to Father Lucian, he mentioned that maybe they would have taken Yenda to the Burgermeister's house

and that he's currently not on a safe place. I don't know anything about the Blue Water Inn. It's largely abandoned now. I got as many people out as I could, but a lot were killed by bats. Did

Jeska? He wasn't there. He was apparently at the orphanage with Claudia. I don't know the situation. The dog's safe, though. Right? Yeah, the dog's safe. The dog's safe. Okay. Well, alright, I don't know where Gogash is and I think just searching the streets is probably

pretty stupid at this point. If we can go to the Burgomaster's house, we will meet some resistance. Escher, while you're having this conversation, taps the ledger, gestures, and another vampire spawn makes its way out the front.

Escher gestures at you lot inside the building. The vampire spawn turns to lock eyes with you, Pip, and then Escher walks towards the church. Oh. Oh, no. He's got shit to do, and he's not got time for the two of you. Walks toward the church.

I mean, I guess he walks westward. Yeah, yeah, but it seems like what else is in that direction? There's not a lot. Can we? I shrug. I don't know. I mean if we fight him

the bones will keep him at bay but for how long I don't know if we get to Yenda they might have some holy magic left

I just look I grab my like holy symbol out and I'm sort of pointing it towards the vampire spawn as we're having

this conversation yeah yeah so we could just run to the Bergamot. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. What can you do Tribbit, to help? This one can inspire.

Can you make us... Oh, by the way, the three of you still have eight temporary hit points that's all gone away. Cool, cool, cool. Can you make us faster? Can you make us hidden? Can you make can you make us anything this one does not know songs of speed this one knows songs all right well let's burst out through one of the other doors well archways i guess because there's no actual doors in them and start sprinting toward the burgeon master's house i'm gonna say that you unfortunately are not able to sprint and really effectively stop this thing yeah there's uh uh a lot of

not a lot of faith in running oh i guess you you know you could make the argument either way but because the holy symbol is like kind of going all over the place, you get the impression that it really needs to be a slow, concerted effort. Sprinting does not seem to work as well. Yeah, okay. The vampire spawn is not able to attack, but it is able to fall. It's still on our heels. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. Well, not attacking is good. I'll take it. Yeah, whatever. You sprint your way towards the Burgermaster's Manor. our heels yeah yeah all right well not attacking is good i'll take it yeah whatever you sprint your way towards the burgomaster's manor as both blessing and a curse this far east you are not going to be attacked by bats yeah okay there's too many buildings on fire the bats don't want to be around here so it's more blessings yeah i'll take it. The Virgin Master's Manor is one of the only still standing buildings.

Mm-hmm. And you sprint towards it. This mansion has walls of plastered stone that display many scars, where the plaster has fallen away from, well, you know, Pip, age and neglect. But, Hector, you could believe bat attack. Okay. But, Hector, you could believe bat attack. Okay.

Drapes cover every window, including a large arched opening above the mansion's double entrance doors. You sprint, I assume, towards said doors. And when you hit them, you realize they are barred to the outside. Okay. Who goes there? Calls a voice from inside. Whatever. Pip Mandarin and Hector Dragonsbane. to the outside. Okay. Who goes there? Calls a voice from inside. Uh, whatever. Pip Mandarin and Hector Dragonsbane

and Krivet. There's some conversing inside and then one of the voices calls out, wait one moment. You're standing there, kind of exposed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Outside. I got my crossbow aimed at I assume the kind of like jerkily moving vampire spawn.

Oh, yeah, it's getting slowly closer. Just holding that holy symbol that I guess, what is it, a sun or something? Yeah. You hear a terrible commotion from inside. And one of the guards cries out in pain. And then you hear, it damned it the doors open and a gogash is standing there with a one of the guards in a headlock come in come in my good friend thank you thank you thank you he closes the door behind you and lets the guard go

oh it is good to see you They were talking of leaving you outside. Come, please. Is Yen the hero, I say? You walk into a room. It's nicely furnished. And sitting there, you see what can only be described as the Baroness and the Baron. Oh, they look... Fucked up.

Real fucked up. They got big... Like these hills have eyes. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Texas Chainsaw Massacre vibes. To describe the Baron as having a widow's peak would be... Not doing it justice.

It would be probably a both couples died in the car accident. Yeah. And his wife looks similarly, yeah, disheveled, I suppose, but professionally so. You know how someone can be dressed nice but still look like bedraggled? Yeah. Do I know their names? Yeah, you would.on vargas valkovich and his wife is lydia petrovna okay vargas lydia city's fucked also sitting in this room you see

yender in chains okay cool nice to see you and yeah a go gash standing in the doorway there are a few members of the town militia here you you recognize a few faces if you you if you're like oh yeah known members of this fucking cult a few of these faces ring ring we have a ring of memorability. Yeah, sure. The Baron and the Baroness stare at you with a steely, cold gaze. The Baron gestures to two open, three, sorry for Krebit, open seats. Have a seat. All right.

Give a look to everybody. Like, look, this is the way that we're going to have this conversation. I'm like, do we really need to have the time for these the pleasantries i'm pulling out a chair sitting down what you are here to stop the invasion of my town yes i suppose i say good that's sort of i'm saying not that in like a whatever just in like pip doesn't really think there's much town left to save, but yeah. I will strike you a deal then. Okay. I will let you leave here. A go-cash snorts under his breath.

Let us leave. I will let you leave here, and I will tell you how to stop this invasion. We will work together, and then we will never see each other again. Okay. You are barred from this town, but I will not seek or hunt you. You have one less predator to fear within Barovia. Exchange glances, I guess.

He extends a bony, withered hand. But I ask for one more thing. What is the one thing? Lady Watcher must die. To be continued... available to SansPants Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice and join us on this epic quest of D&D podcast discovery.