D&D is For Nerds - Vampire Infested Barovia II #22 Protection Given, Bandits Slain, You Keep What I Kill

Episode Date: September 30, 2023

The party takes a tour of Kutchery trying to feel for the cosmic tug of destiny. Hecktor departs with a lot of gold to tank an economy he doesn’t quite understand while Pip remembers a long forgotten language.Keep up to date with the Jarren's Outpost Board Game by heading to jarrensoutpost.com or checking out all the links here!Want ad-free and even more bonus content? Just check out Imagination Adventures+ on our website or on Apple Podcasts! Music by the ever wonderful Lepidora, you can check out her music here. And head to peddlerspress.store to peruse our D&D themed merch store and help support the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Though you see no water for miles around you, you are, like me, nonetheless maroon. We are castaways in this terrible bad dream somebody decided to name Barovia. To switch up the metaphor, we are imprisoned, and the fog is the bars of our cell, and our jailer is Baron von Strahd. As far as I can tell, there's no way to escape other than possibly by dying. Maybe by being eaten by a wolf, let's say.

It really is terrific, Stu. You should come back sometime. I will make with fish. It is much nicer. It melts from the bone It sounds, yeah. We would love this. It melts from the bone. Oh, my.

We'll have to do that at some point. Well. I will make space for you to sleep tonight. Yeah, thank you very much. She nods. She stands up and she wanders over to. Has she finished her stew? No.

No, no. Will you finish your stew? It's fine. Okay, she says. She sits back down and starts eating. There's no winning. We let her finish her stew. Piran is not paying attention to any of this.

Of course, of course. You see at one point... Well, actually, Pip, are you also... Oh, no, actually, Piran doesn't give a shit. He's, yeah, he's just not paying attention. Okay. Piran finishes his stew, then stands up, and you see him pacing

around the room thinking to himself. He takes out a little notepad, and he starts flipping through it. Okay. The taxes of certain things? Yes. The, I had several of the... He flips over to a part in the notebook and then turns it over to you,

and you see a list of names with some figures next to them, amounts of coin. The only people within town who are paid an actual wage in money, not in store credits, are those who need to keep the peace shall we say uh they're just the town guard or whatever um they however are among some of the most disgruntled

people depending so some gods typically the flayed ones are kind of just doing it for the religion but some of the gods are not shall we say true believers and are there for the money that you get for being a god what do they spend the money on well you there are some things that can be still bought around town and what not keep them keep their families and wealth and whatnot. If you do not get paid in coin, if you get paid in credits in this town, coins are worth like 10 times what they should normally. Can you use

the coins to pay off the credit? Some people try. It's typically, especially for some of the larger or less to do families, well not less to do, sorry. For some of the larger or families less to do family well not less to do sorry for some of the larger or uh families who can it's really all that they can they can do to keep themselves in the bunk houses which are also owned by the burgomaster you pay to sleep at the bunkhouse every night

and i suppose people who are wealthy enough to purchase a property. Right. And I suppose on death, your debts are not wiped, but passed on to your next of kin? I believe so. I don't know. Once someone's dead, I don't... He turns back. He knows he's just going to upset you. Can I help Mathilde do the dishes and prepare the bedrolls and stuff? I'll do that for her

will you help her wash the dishes she seems quite grateful thank you it is nice to have help again that's no trouble I'm happy to do the dishes if you want to sit down

or whatever no to set up the bedrolls is not an easy you unfortunately I will make it as comfortable as possible but we have a

hidden crawl space beneath the building we will have to stay in. I've been sleeping in the wilderness for, you know. It is warm. Who knows how long. So, yeah, that'll be better than, yeah. No, we appreciate it.

Yes, thank you. She takes, while you're cleaning then, she moves a rug and you can see there is hidden beneath a trap door. She opens the trap door and she climbs in and you can hear her fiddling about beneath the house i'll i'll do i'll dry while you do the dishes okay no worries i i imagine if you don't do like a good enough job drying i will take them off you and dry them myself oh it's hard to dry wooden i imagine this is my Pipp's childhood coming back where Pipp's like, there needs to be

a certain level of cleanliness and cleanness to everything. I was going to say, I'm not going to even roll. Hector, I just, I don't think you could roll high enough

to completely dry a wooden bowl. But Pipp, from your upbringing, I don't think you could roll low enough to not be able to completely dry a wooden bowl.

Maybe I got like little like tea towels that are like placed down the little bowl and place the bowls over the top of. Maybe you've got like, you watch as Pip, he has a system. There's some flick of the wrist, some incredibly dexterous action and bowls and spoons become completely dry. And you hear pip muttering to himself the instructions as he does it a damp bowl is a damp soul that's good get a good boy card both of you for doing the dishes thank you oh okay oh we got polyglot that's a funny one to get do you well do you spend it right now. What's a language? I'm clearly going back to my childhood in some way.

What's a language that maybe... Do you have dwarven? I don't think so. If you don't have dwarven, dwarven's a great one to get. All right. I'll hang around too much with Goroblush and unlocking those childhood memories. Oh, yeah. Maybe some of the brothers were dwarven

that raised me. Well, you were a mentor. Oh yeah, great, great, great, great. As I, yeah. Unlocks a memory and you remember that you that when you got taken from the orphanage you were taught dwarven. Oh, that's right. Muttering like it was a

a damp bowl is a damp soul. A damp bowl is a damp soul. A damp bowl is a damp soul A damp bowl is a damp soul A damp bowl is a damp soul Was that in Dwarvish? Oh that's right It's just been so long Alright, cool Very funny

So you Yeah, you learn Dwarvish And do the dishes I do the dishes so well I learn Dwarvish and do the dishes. I do the dishes so well I learn Dwarvish. As one happens. Pyrrhon this entire time, Pyrrhon has just been pacing back and forth, flipping through his notes as well.

Every now and then he rattles off, he's muttering to himself, but he rattles off a name. It might be something like Hurswitch or something like that. He's like, well, with this, Hurswitch is definitely on our side. You can see the changing in taxes means that people who are paid money might now be a little less loyal than they were previously. As we finish the dishes, I'll ask Perrin, did you need any more gold or anything?

Well, yes. I mean, gold is worth a lot here. If you have any, I'll take it. it yeah right uh i think i have like that i think i have a 200 pierre nearly chokes on his own saliva sorry 400 yeah well i mean actually that might be genuinely too much. 400 gold pieces might tank the economy, which you can see more cogs begin turning. Actually, I'll take the 400 gold if you're giving it.

If you're doing that, I'll go into my pack and pull out the platinum sensor and ivory horn. Oh, yeah. If I can not carry these for any longer, I'd be happy. Well, that's easy. I can forge coins pretty easily. Oh, yes. Here's about a thousand gold all up. Probably, well, depending on how I stamp the metal,

probably more, to be honest. And, yes, here's a copper chalice. There's a fine art to wrapping platinum around a wooden coin. Getting it as thin as possible while still having enough coating that someone biting down gets enough softness out of it god i miss my old job hopefully we can get you back here's the copper chalice and here's ah yes 400 gold Hang on let me make a list of everything you've given him So you gave him 400 gold

Yep We don't really use gold Also with like the Items like where am I going to sell this Where are we fencing these I'm not fencing any of this shit I thought the silver you took to have silver That I've got to put the platinum sensor in the ivory horn.

Of no use to me. Ivory horn. Actually, Pyrrhon can give you the ivory horn back. Damn it. I don't think I'm going to be able to fence this. No one's interested in it. People either want coin or something that can keep them safe. Yeah, nobody needs ivory.

That's fair enough. The platinum platter, though, I can turn that into money. What else did you give him, Hector? I have a copper chalice as well. I mean, money is money. And yes, the 400 gold. Well, yes, it will take time, but tanking the economy will probably really wreck the Burgermaster's control on this area. The Sheriff and Ludmilla probably won't lose too much power,

but completely destabilizing the Burgermaster would be not nothing. Well, yeah, we're not losing it. If we can then find a way to behead Ludmilla, not losing it. If we can then find a way to behead Ludmilla, the sheriff is probably, without her help, the weakest one on their own. Did you mean figuratively or literally?

I don't know how to kill a vampire. I mean, if that's what it takes. It is. It works, it works. Yeah, it's the thing to do. It sounds stupid, but it works. It's not stupid, is it? Is there a smithy in town?

No. Yes and no. Okay. There is a creature that Ludmilla made that works a forge. A creature that she made. It's like a golem made out of dwarves. Right. Yes. Well, you'll see in – oh, I don't have my notes here they're in the trappers hut

but I have a whole set of notes about different methods of fucking over cootery but in the we go to war method a lot of consideration needs to be taken around the golem it will break a man's spine right is it if the reason

i ask is i have some silver statues i was hoping to turn into weapons is that the kind of thing it for it doesn't accept or it might accept gold i don't know if i've ever tried it definitely accepts company credits i can get you some. Okay, yes. Let's probably... Perrin puts up two hands. Okay, I can get you some. You're going to want to know this ahead of time. Right. It will mean someone doesn't eat.

They will willingly give them to me. How desperately... Probably a knight. I don't know. What do you need done? I need to make some silver arrows. I take out the silver dragon statues. It works pretty quickly.? Probably a knight. I don't know. What do you need done? Sorry. I need to make some silver arrows. I take out the silver dragon statues. It works pretty quickly.

Maybe only one knight. How desperate are we for these silver arrows? I mean, it's useful to have. Silver's rare. If it's just one knight. I reach into my pack. Now we're talking sense. I reach into my pack and just, yeah, some rations and just be like, trade that for the credits if you would like.

Okay. Do you have six? Yes. Look, all right, I guess you would have cared about this. It's not just one person. I figured. Just here's six. Like a whole family.

Anyway, yes. All right. You mark off six rations. Piran takes the rations. Bless your kind hearts. Well, there you go. Cruelty free. I can get it done for you.

All right. Yeah, that'd be wonderful. All right, give me the silver. All right, I'll give him the two silver dragon statues. All right, mark those off. And Piran gets those done. I can probably get that done tomorrow as well. So when we reconvene,

I'll have the information, or I'll have a canvassing of who this disgraced knight could be, and I'll have the silver bolts or arrows? Bolts, sorry, bolts. No worries. That's going to be helpful. Silver's just one of those materials, you know?

Yes, yes, yes. Silver, very good. Can eat it. Nice. Sustains a man. I'll also find out if that golem takes gold. You might as well. That'd be useful. Well, anyway, was there anything else you needed done? I don't think so. Or any information you needed about town?

I do not think so. I cannot possibly think right now if there's anything we need. I'm too tired. Well, very quickly, this is very important. You might want to write this down. If you get in trouble with the guards and you absolutely need help getting out, tell the guards to fetch you. Tell them you need to speak to Rostov.

He's my man within the guards. Rostov. Okay. Rostov. Are we using man within the guards. Rostov. Okay. Rostov. Are we using our names or are we having aliases? Well, so long as Ludmilla doesn't know. You met Ludmilla. Did she know your names?

She didn't say them. Well, I mean, anything mentioned to the guards has a chance to get back to her, but it'll probably go through the Burgermaster first. The Burgermaster definitely doesn't know who you are um i guess we can use different names i mean she she has a description she knows what she looks like but i guess whatever call herself something something different yeah whatever it doesn't hurt to have fake names but yes if you now letting you know if it's something very serious rostov can you off, but it's probably then going to become a once off sort of thing. Sure.

Rostov, he can get you off, especially on most minor things. But for something very serious, he's a bit skittish. So we'll probably do it one time, but then we might not have a recharge. Some things you need to know about a town. Don't ever, if a guard says something, just do it. Don't ever disagree with them. They get mad at the drop of a hat and will, and have, I've seen it, they will just strike you down.

You might be infracted for several things you might want to make a list of this as well spitting or littering are illegal okay both of them incur infractions yes okay as is touching a guard in any way um obvious the obvious things murder and theft whatnot if you see now a lot of the just workers, especially in the Avatar, will be wearing brown for the most part clothes, just like simple, very simple brown clothes, almost look like sackcloth.

Those sorts of people, you don't need to worry too much about them. They probably aren't going to contact the guard about anything if they contact the guard at all. They will defend themselves maybe these people these people have very broken spirits yes yeah ground down to a fine knob anyone wearing nicer clothes obviously be a little bit more aware but anyone who's wearing color is someone who could call guards okay all right god sense uh what should we be wearing

about town uh i guess it's what we're wearing and like hold up like the shield has a goddamn dragon on it i'm like what should i need to cover there is still adventure especially a lot of the people in vagabond uh some of the died in the world adventurers still carry about all of their old shit uh most of them i, wouldn't have weapons openly displayed. But so long as if a guard looks at you, just look down. They'll believe you to be ground down

like everyone else. We can do that. Thank you very much. I guess in turn, I'll go by Jacob. I'll go by Durak. Durak? No worries. Good night, everybody.

See you in the morning. Yeah, sleep well. Pleasant dreams. Likewise. You climb, the two of you with Perrin, climb into that little crawl space underneath the house, and sure enough it is very warm down here. It's a bit- Almost too warm? No, warm down here. It's a bit-

Almost too warm? No, no, no. It's a bit rat and spidery. Oh, okay. But it's not more so- I mean, it's still probably one of the nicer sleeps you've had, especially since it's got that feeling of you're huddled in somewhere warm while you can tell that it's freezing outside.

That is good. Speaking of- Oh, yeah. You, overnight, a blizzard hits. Cool. warm while you can tell that it's freezing outside it's good speaking of oh yeah are you overnight a blizzard hits cool oh no the next morning rolls around and the blizzard has let up but you can still tell that it's very heavily windy in the morning matilda needs to go around and very carefully open the shutters. You know how they'll have a latched closed and then a latched open? Yeah, yeah. She latches them open.

You can hear her doing it very meticulously and very carefully. The three of you. Oh, she opens the trap door as part of her little pottering around the house thing. Yeah. In the morning and lets the three of you out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. If you need to come back here for dinner, that would be fine,

but I will not be home for lunch. I would prefer if you did not return until sundown. Of course. We can do that. Thank you for your hospitality. Really appreciate it. Thank you. You're welcome.

You can see out the window, the snow has piled heavy outside. You will be trudging through. It's going to be past your knees. Put on all my winter clothes again, like the winter cloaks and stuff we took off the guards. She may be off a wall, produces, Pierron probably already has

snowshoes that he is sliding on right now, but Mathilde takes off the wall two sets of snowshoes that he is sliding on right now, but Mathilde takes off the wall two sets of snowshoes. One quite obviously for a smaller frame, probably hers. The other one are, the other ones are big and heavy set, quite obviously, for an adult

male. Yeah. She hands them to you. You will definitely need these. The town is not very well plowed. Thank you. I'll put on hers. All right.

Yeah, I'll put on. So she's not using? She's just going without? So it seems. Look, you don't have to give us yours. It's fine. I'll make do. Okay.

I'll take off hers and give them back to her and put on his. Okay. You can buy some in town, I'm sure With what money? Pyrrhon's getting a store credit Do you want snowshoes? I guess I need them, right? Well, I mean you don't need them But you will

Have wet legs You'll struggle without them Yes, if you could get some snowshoes, that'd be appreciated. Well, I guess I'll keep the rations then. I think I can only get them with... Oh, no, I could get them with gold. No, it'll be fine. Thank you.

Oh, no, wait. I need the rations anyway. All right, let's go, let's go, let's go. Piran leads you into town. There are... I'll struggle the whole way. Oh, yeah, you're moving through the snow, soaking. Oh, yeah.

Well, even with the snowshoes, your feet, anything not exposed, sorry, anything not covered by the snowshoes immediately becomes drenched if it's below the snow line. And you are, both of you, very, very cold by the time you get to the gates of the city. There are three entrances pavel's house is very close to the northern well to the northwestern entrance which has one of the the those towers right in front of it you see the tower has a commanding view of the entire northwestern area and you can see there are several of those guards patrolling around it you would guess maybe about 50 50 of them when you see the exposed part of their face it looks flayed and then other ones of them just have regular skin under uh displayed or whatever

anyone who has regular skin would probably actually also have a scarf to kind of cover themselves up a little bit. But you spot if someone doesn't have skin, they don't seem to... They're not bothered by the cold? Or they suffer the cold. Yeah, they just seem to be happy to suffer the cold. Okay. Fucked up.

Yeah, right. So, like, okay. All right. Makes sense. They seem to like pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the flayed guards is the one who stops you as you enter.

Piran leans over to him and says, whispers something into his ear. The guard nods, walks over. A different guard comes up, and he just waves you through. He so quickly got this town wrapped around his thumb. You enter in from the northwest, which means that you will pass almost immediately through vagabond it's pretty bleak vagabond is there's a bunch quite a few permanent structures but a lot of just ramshackle huts people just throwing together anything that they can to survive this place looks like it's a retirement home for adventurers,

a very sad, awful retirement. Fully maintained. Yeah, shut down by the government within months, retirement home for adventurers. You can see that there are a few clerics of various different gods, some you can name, some you've never heard of, but many of them have little signs that offer services that they can provide as a cleric. It's nothing powerful, though.

It looks like whatever magic they're tapping into, they've either got the last wisps of it, or they're maybe just trying to bullshit you into thinking something's going to happen. Like one person is selling holy water, but whether or not it really is holy water is actually impossible to tell. Yeah, you walk through a lot of that. You see there's a central area in kind of the middle of Vagabond where there are a ton of adventurers all clamoring around this platform.

On the platform, there are a few guards and then an official of sorts. The official is is this is the first person you've seen just in robes but with flayed skin he is bald all of the skin on his head has been stripped away and you see just the flesh and sinew beneath he has a clipboard and he's taking notes as people approach him all arms outstretched they're all kind of clamoring for this person as you walk past pyrrhon leans over and says uh they're arranging work parties there's no a lot of positions are not permanently filled just in the mornings they

grab whatever right workers they can get the credits make sense what's the life expectancy of the people who have got their skin flayed? I can't imagine it's good for you. Well, I mean, no, I can't either. As far as I'm aware, that doesn't seem to affect one's life expectancy too much. I'm not sure if there's a magic to it or not. It happens in the abattoir.

Yes, of course. Yuck. Well, perhaps I'll peel off here and start looking for the disgraced knight. Good luck. As you're moving as well, Pyrrhon keeps... Every now and then Pyrrhon peels off as well, and you see him talk to someone and then keep moving. Quite obviously talking to his contacts and whatnot.

You see there are... I mean, he speaks to a bunch of different people but there's like a ton of the people that he's speaking to here in vagabond look like assassins or rogues just like him but who have fallen on hard times yeah punished parents yeah yeah pretty much you spot as well at one point maybe someone parents specifically leading you towards he's like, there is one person who could potentially be the knight that you're looking for, but I'm not 100% sure on this. In addition to the many clerics offering their wares, you see a very old wizened human being basically bowed forwards with a massive hump standing in place here,

also offering services. The service he's specifically offering is that of a bodyguard. You see his little makeshift sign says, Knight Extraordinaire, protection given, bandits slain. It looks like a sign that he had from when he started out as an adventurer. That your guy? Surely it couldn't be that easy. This is the only person I know of off the top of my head.

Do you know his story? Piran looks at you and says, I'll ask. I really don't think he's relevant to what I do. I was just curious. Oh, you stood here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll ask curious. Oh, you stood here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll ask.

All right, you wander over? Yep. Hello, Sonny. Pleasure to meet you. He sticks out a very wizened hand. Up close, you can see that he does not fill out the armor anymore. I shake his hand. You a knight?

Yes. Once long ago, a knight of Gar gossery do you know of it yes uh like can i just like give him a once over like just to see i mean it's so hard to tell really you think the only thing keeping him standing is the armor it's you can see he has put stints wooden stints in the back of it so that it keeps a stiffness to it. You don't think he'd be able to lift this. You know, even if you are our guy, I don't think we want you. Oh, I promise you I'm your man. I'll just wander over there.

Nice to meet you. It was I who slayed the dragon Torkal. Oh, really? Yes. The vile. Torkal the vile. You must have heard the name. Fuck, dude, you have.

Yeah. Oh, shit. I asked for the dragon, correct? Yes, yes. Oh, wow. In the Elven Wilds. Yes. When they were... Is it a skeleton skeleton or as the actual dragon itself?

Oh, the dragon himself. Right. He himself. Oh, my God. Is this our guy? A subtle inhale to maybe see if there's any liquor around his breath. Not a great insight, Shaq. You can't really tell.

I mean, he seems very frail, infirm, basically. You also see that he is not able to wear the armor. I don't think he's our guy. You had heard of the adventuring group that had slain Torkoal the Vile. It was a group called the Crusaders. They were a group of clerics and paladins who they'd had a few members come and go. You're not exactly, you didn't roll well enough

to know the names of the specific members who were there for the slaying of Torkoal, but they were a quite famous group. They went, you know this, maybe a decade before you became a knight, they just went missing. The current group just completely disappeared.

They were presumed dead. You're one of the Crusaders. Yes, that was me. Did you arrive here with the other Crusaders? I don't know. I think we got scattered to the domains of dread, he says, gesturing around. Right. So no one else was with you? Just you?

Yeah, just me came here to Kutry, he says. All right, you rolled well enough for this one. He's struggling to remember what happened. How old are you, old man? Old enough, he says. That's an unhelpful answer. Well, yeah, we always wondered what happened to the Crusades. I think he's our guy.

I do not think he's our guy. He's so connected to you. Oh, I am your man, he says. He gestures to the sign, please, I charge only 50 gold for a week's worth of work. Of work, you say. And then what kind of work do you do? You get to keep anything I kill, he says. He gestures to a little bit of fine print down the bottom of the sign.

And sure enough, it does say, you keep what I kill. When was the last time you left Coucherie? It hasn't been too long. You don't know if he's lying or just not able to remember properly. Can I look back over my shoulder at Piran? Piran is really enjoying this. It's kind of like if you're in LA and you're walking with someone who's never been before and they get stopped by the guys dressed like Spider-Man.

It is a little bit, yeah. Oh, God. Okay. But but please where are my manners so godrick the bold uh jacob nice to meet you durak hard castle he sticks out of hand nice to meet you so god i get a bad boy card you do not know so god drink the ball hey roll on the wild magic table. Save this one. Oh, no. Do I know Sir Godric the Bold? I'm there too. True, true, true. You have heard the name of Sir Godric. What's your intelligence?

Let me just know how much you know. All right. You've just heard the name Sir Godric the Bold. You know, you would probably know that they were part of, you wouldn't have known the Crusaders, but you would have known that he was part of a group of adventurers that were all holy knights. Yeah, okay. Yeah, you, beyond that though.

Do I know what god they were knights of? They served a bunch of different good and lawful aligned gods. That was 13. No, for 13 you would know which god. Because that was going to be my next question. Yeah, you were a holy knight, correct? Yes. My powers here are limited, though.

I haven't all the strength I once had, but... He taps his head. Still all here, he says. What strength? He feels like he's lying as much to himself. He obviously knows a little bit He feels like he's lying as much. He obviously knows a little bit. Feels like he's lying as much to himself as he is to you. As he points to his head, I say under my breath, strength is kept in the muscles.

You're thinking of smarts. You know that he served Daedalus, who is a god from the Draconic pantheon. Dragons. The dragons worship. And dragonborn. Okay. Not me. Culturally, that's not where you come from.

So what deity did you serve? I am a paladin of Daedalus, he says. He takes out his holy symbol. You see it is a depiction of a, surprisingly enough, a silver dragon. It's a circular pendant, silver dragon in it. The silver dragon, it's not the same pose as Argonvoss, instead of kind of the classic heredically sideways depiction. This one kind of has depth.

It looks like a much more, what we, Adam, Jackson, and Zamet, we would describe as more of a modern depiction of a dragon. So it's, yeah, it's got a depth to it or simulated depth to it. And it is massive. This dragon is way bigger than a silver dragon normally is. There are next to it depictions of people,

but the people are infinitesimally small, tiny. You would know that this is the classic depiction of Daedalus. He's always depicted as being huge. Yeah, that's very impressive. So what did you do here when you arrived in Kuchy? Did you just set up shop? I had some time as all adventurers

do once they come to Barovia trying to slay the devil. He says and then he puts his in a very Barovian gesture he puts his fingers to his lips and then up to the sky. I mimic that. I do possibly the laziest.

Yeah, I'm sure. The classic of when you're doing the sign of the cross or whatever, rather than very slowly, purposely just doing the... Just doing one index finger and done. Spectacles, testicles, whatever. The kind of equivalent, yeah, absolutely. He... Sorry, you asked.

I, yes, the devil for a little while was my opposition. I spoke with him, even. Really? What did you speak about? He invited me to his castle. Oh, get a good boy card. Hey! Actually,

oh, well, that was, yeah, you get a good boy card, Hector. Pip, you also rolled well enough to know this, but not well enough to get a good boy card. Hey! Actually, oh, well, that was, yeah. You get a good boy card, Hector. Pip, you also rolled well enough to know this. But not well enough to get a good boy card. For a good boy card, correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can see that this is a long time ago for him, and he's really straining his memory for this.

He invited me. He invited me for dinner. I had been fighting him, opposing him. I did some things with the knights. Argenvost. They felt like natural

allies to me. Yes, the dragon knights. Yes. The second war against... We needed Strahd to die, but we needed to know about the castle. We accepted. I dined with the devil, as close as one can be, I suppose. Haughty, haughty man, if you can call him that.

And then we needed to know more. We came to the top of Mount Gacchus. Yes. Yes, so you came to the top of Mount Gacchus. Yes, we came to the top of Mount Gacchus. Right, which is, yes, and to what end? There was an altar, maybe. Something.

Something at the top. Something to tell us about the devil. But it didn't work out for you because you're here now. Yes, yes. I forget what happened in between. A long time ago, you understand. Do you go to a temple or an altar? I don't remember.

There was something... Oh. He takes a couple steps back. A little color in his face begins to drain. Oh, no. He takes a few more steps back and little color in his face begins to drain. Oh, no. He takes a few more steps back, and then he, losing control of the armor, topples over. See, I would rush to try and stop him from toppling. What's your dexterity?

No, I'm sorry. You reach out and grab him, but unfortunately, he falls into a heap. He immediately begins hyperventilating. Okay, I do my best to either spot that he is having a panic attack or wondering if he's having a heart attack. No, he's having a heart attack. Yeah, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do my best to then try and stop that. Hey, does Cure Wounds stop a heart attack out of curiosity? No, Cure Wounds does not stop a heart attack. Just wondering about mechanics. Do you have any spell that stops death effects? No, no. We have good play cards that do. That stop death effects?

Oh, benefit of a short rest for this guy. No, no, but if you're dying, then you come back with one HP or whatever. No, that's not a death effect. That's saving throws. We'll wait until he dies. If he dies, it's too late, unfortunately. Yeah, medicine check him and try and help him out as best as I can. Unfortunately, it's the difference between,

imagine you're a combat medic. You've been trained. The magic you have been given is for bullet wounds this man is having a heart attack oh yeah there's nothing you can do he dies right then and there

Godric Godric Godric he's dead a few other locals begin crowding in. One of them starts pushing people back. Space, space, give him space. A few, maybe one of the clerics comes over,

kneels down, takes his pulse, looks at you and says, I'm so sorry, he's dead. I did not know him. We had a conversation. Well, he was a bit of a fixture here. He's been here as long as anyone can remember oh um i'm sorry for for your lost him yeah uh i can't say i guess i didn't know him very well either but does he have it was a nice enough person i think any family in town

friends i don't think so i don't think he knew anyone here. Or I think anyone here he knew he was the last of. Right, of course. There are a few people you didn't know him at all? No. Okay. We knew all of him. Sorry, this is just I don't know, it's like a statue dying.

There are a few people here who he was friendly with. You leave this with me. I can handle this, he says. He doesn't seem very confident. Yeah, he doesn't. Thank you. Sorry. Get up. You've attracted quite a lot of

attention. People are moving in and out trying to see what's happening. You see a few guards are kind of making their way towards what's happening. Can we make ourselves scarce? guards are kind of making their way towards what's happening. Piran steps in. Can we make ourselves scarce? Piran steps in and says we'd best leave. Blend into the crowd?

Yeah. You move in with Piran, you pass by really close to one of the guards who Piran just nods at. They nod back and you keep moving. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet.

Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. Good stuff, good stuff. Not our guy. No, I don't think. Or if he was our guy, we royally cooked it. Well, that's okay.

I mean, if he was our guy, it's probably best that it happened now. That's a good point. Have you ever heard about an altar? Not. I mean, if it's in the Amber Temple, I wouldn't know about it. There could be an altar in the Amber Temple. When was the Dragon Knights? When did they rise?

As far as I'm aware, a long time ago. It was part of that. The Dragon Knights, I believe, founded Kuchuri. They founded Kuchuri. Yes. This city exists because of that. Yes. That makes a lot of sense.

They came here for the Amber Temple or something to do with the Amber Temple. He was mentioning, yes. They decided to set up shop here rather than do anything about the Amber Temple. I understand. It's scary, he says. He kind of reiterated like he tried to remember what he saw and then it killed him. It seemed the memory. It could be a coincidence.

He was wizened, that's for sure. Well, I don't need a network of informants to tell me that it's bad mojo up there. Yeah, he just, the memory of it killed him. I know, imagine what the real thing could do. He was old. Yeah. Well, yeah. I thought that the

Dragon Knights were a long time ago. Yes. But he was with them. They existed as an order, though. Yes, I know. I mean, but I thought they were ancient. No, no. I mean, Hector makes a good point that would have made him quite old, but I don't think I know anyone here

who remembers the time before him. How old was he? I hadn't really thought about it. I'm not going to lie. I didn't give him much thought ever at all. Was he even human? He did look human. Old, really old, but he did look human.

Could he have been perhaps a dragon? If he was a dragon, he'd be a dragon again. I don't know a lot about dragons, but when they die, they'd be a dragon again. Yeah. I remember that pretty well. I'm like, right, right, just glance over. Right, right. It doesn't turn into a dragon.

Oh, imagine. Perhaps. Several people killed under the weight of a dragon. No, imagine. Perhaps. Several people killed under the weight of a dragon. Perhaps some remnant of Daedalus was keeping him going. Perhaps he's- Whatever cosmic moat still existed in the seven-layered bean dip that is Barovia's cosmology.

From the rumors I get around town, anything could be fucking explained by Strahd's cruelty. Well, that makes sense too actually if he couldn't remember what was going on and he was cursed with long life and here well perhaps it was amusing to Strahd or Ludmilla anyway here would be a good part

for you to peel off I would recommend starting at the fine end yes at the fine end. Yes, at the fine end. That's what I was thinking. Especially if they're disgraced, they'll probably be drinking their troubles away there if they can afford to.

Do you have the tarot card, Hector? Yes, here it is. Hand you over the tarot card. I take it. You can tell Pip sort of hates it, but I take it. Sure, sure, sure. It was a shame. Sure, sure, sure. It was a shame.

They apparently lost their way. He's more of a drunk. Just like look around at the massive adventures. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's more than a few points here. What did Eva say? It's going to be difficult, but we need to set fire to their heart, whatever that means. Well, let's just hope I feel the cosmic tug of destiny, I say. Then I'll tuck it into my cloak or whatever and step out.

And then I'm taking you to Iona, right? Or if you would like, you could describe her. I'm not talking to Iona. Don't worry, I know where she is. There's one place in town that she'd be on a day like this. Where would she be? On her soapbox, he says.

Piran, get a good boy card. That's awesome. Well, lead on. Piran, get a good boy card. That's awesome. Okay. All right. Fuck. I'll lead on. Piran takes you further into the town. As you leave Vagabond and get into the town proper, look, the town is never a pleasant place, but at least there's fewer adventurers on hard times.

You do, however, see a lot of locals on hard times. There are the majority of people here are wearing those, as Piran described, brown, very boring sackcloth clothes. Anyone wearing that would probably also have furs, but it's like whatever they could string together. Threadbare, kind of. In fact, actually, you know what? Maybe it gets more bleak as you leave, because a lot of the adventurers at least have old adventurer shit. A lot of the people outside of Vagabond

kind of just have whatever a Barovian can scrounge. Oh, that's bleak. Which is, yeah, pretty freaking bleak. People in Vagabond living in bags are holding or whatever. Careful, that's my house. It's a little bag in an alley it's a hollowed out mimic yeah exactly

you watch as one person is they're carrying a burlap sack and they're trying to you can see they're moving actually yeah you see that they're moving with distinct purpose and quite a lot of fear they keep looking over their shoulder like they're expecting someone to purpose and quite a lot of fear. They keep looking over their shoulder like they're

expecting someone to pounce upon them. And sure enough, you can see there are two guards following behind this person. And unbeknownst to this person, there are some guards coming, two more guards coming from in front of them in a pincer maneuver. They are about to be

caught. Just maybe mention, like whisper to Piran, thief? Yes, this gentleman here, I'm assuming, has stolen bark. He's going to lose his life, isn't he? Yeah, we best just, Piran puts up a hand. We best just, if you want, look away. They're not going to die, but it's not going to be pleasant. Small blessings.

they're not going to die but it's not going to be pleasant small blessings the person does not see the two guards approaching them from the front until they are literally upon them and the guards are not gentle one of the first guards produces a like a little truncheon

and just smacks the guy in the side of the head he falls to the ground and sure enough the sack spills forth and lots of many, many, many, many pieces of bark get scattered onto the ground. You see a crowd has begun forming but only because whenever the guards aren't looking

somebody's growing. Yeah, some people grab bark. Why does the burgomaster have such a hold over the... It's an important resource. Anything you can use to control the population. Purin turns and is about to say something and then stops himself and you get the distinct

impression he was about to perhaps recount, you know what Goldcrest used to be like. He was probably going to tell you about how he used to do something like this. Oh, yeah. Let's head to the suitbox.

One of the guards, as you're walking away, one of the guards says, you know why this is happening, and then they just lay into him. This is a bad town, Adam. It's a bad town. Come on. Poor Hector.

They're just like, go and grab your spear. Nah, dude. Nah. Nah. Oh, dude. You finally come to the closest thing that you could expect in a... Oh, as stated... Sorry.

As Matilde did, you spot a lot of people, maybe not so much in Vagabond, but definitely outside of Vagabond. If you make eye contact with someone, they immediately avert their gaze, like they're scared you're going to hit them. It is a broken people here in Kutry. Trauma. Love it! You eventually get to

the closest that Kutry has to a town square. There is a set of stockades. So if you don't know what a stockade is, it's the thing where the classic- Your head's through and then your arms are through. Yeah, you get tomatoes thrown at you. Classic that.

You see there is a stockade. The wood that makes up the stockade is stained dark with, don't think about it. Tomatoes. Tomatoes. Yeah. Yep. Tomatoes! Yeah! It's a passata!

Standing on the stockade in the most vibrant and bright and interesting clothing you've seen in all of Couturey is a woman. She's wearing her clothes are heavy furs, but they're beautiful and resplendent and they look like someone who's given a lot of time

and energy into creating clothing. You can see that the lining has in it stitched patterns, and it looks like you can see a bear and a moose holding hands, quotation marks, and doing a little dance as they go around. That's cool. She is juggling and telling jokes for a crowd of children. I will wander over, realize Pyrrhon's not next to me.

Oh, yeah, Pyrrhon melts away. Yes, I'll wander over. As you approach as well, you realize there's a theme to the jokes she's telling. In the jokes she tells, she might be like, what is the difference between a member of the town guard? This is probably a lot less subtle, actually, than what I mean. But she might tell a joke like, what is the difference between a guard in Borovia and a guard in Kuchery?

And one of the kids calls out, We don't know! And she says, Nothing! They are both imbeciles! That is probably the least subtle that the jokes get. But you can tell there's a lot of very specific barbs towards the burgomaster, the sheriff, the sheriff and the princess kind of thing where like maybe some of like there's characters in her jokes that are like the i mean yeah a mayor a

cowboy and a princess a mayor a deputy and a prince walk into a bar. Good. It must have hurt. At the Valakai God one, I'm like, oh. It's so true. Oh, my God. She speaks of the human experience. She's spitting fire.

Maybe, yeah. No, it's Like, oh. I was like, a smile, but realizing maybe if I did show that, guards will hit me. That's fair. Well, if it is not a new audience member, tell me good sir, what is your name? She continues to juggle. She, as

she's speaking to you, she steadily adds one after another after another bowl to her little juggling routine. Jacob, you can call me Jacob. Jacob. That sounds like a fake name to me, but all right. She takes a couple steps back. Jacob, I have a question for you.

By all means. How do you know when you are in government? How do you know? I do not know. Well, you of course know when you are in government when you do not know what you are doing. You can see one of the town guard is starting to get closer and closer and closer.

He's got a bit of a scowl on his face. You have upset some of the guards here. Oh, him? Do not worry. He is so so, so kind to me. Are you not? She turns and looks around at him.

I have never been hit by this guard once. It is something, right? Sometimes twice so. She looks over at him. He is not pleased at this conversation. He's probably, now that you look back over at him, you see he's got

the little billy club in his hand and he's like tapping, not applause, but tapping it in his hand like he's about to use it. As great as your jokes are, could I buy you a drink? With what money? With credits? Silver.

Ah, silver! She tends to look at the children who are amassed in front of her. Ah, silver. She tends to look at the children who are amassed in front of her. Ah, look at the rich man. Must be new in town, eh? Must be nice to have money. It is pretty nice. Yes, a rich man in a poor town, though. The problem with

that is that you are still in a poor town. I think I'm in a poor country. Oh, I promise you one thing. It is not all poor here. Can I buy you a poor country. Oh, I promise you one thing. It is not all poor here. Can I buy you a drink? She stops the juggling and then hands the balls to the guard who is approaching. Your turn.

The guard was not expecting that. She hops down and walks away with you. Like he drops the billy club to take the ball. Yeah, pretty much. That's great. Where would you go for a quiet conversation in this town? Are you asking her? I probably would have. I'm trying to remember the map.

You, the locations you remember are Vagabond, where adventurers go to die. Pavel's house. You know the two amber temples. Pavel's House, you know the two amber temples. Come back to Pavel's House. That was for conversation. There's the Fine End, the Supply Store. Actually, yeah, the Fine End or the Supply Store are maybe the only possible candidates. As you rightly pointed out, I am new in town, so where could I buy you a drink?

The Fine End is perhaps the only place in town, unless you know someone personally. I shrug. I do not know anyone here, really. I have heard that the Burgermaster and the Sheriff have fine wines, though no one except them have ever tasted them. Ah, yes. So we should just knock on their door, shall we? Oh, would not be the first time I was hauled before the Burgermaster. Or the Sheriff. By the way, Hector. Hector Dragonsbane.

I am a mersong. A pleasure to meet you. Thank you very much. I've heard a little bit about you. Everyone in Couturey has. I'm quite loud. And beloved, I hear. And by the children, perhaps, yes. Yes, you're making quite an impression. It seems that everybody here is very quick to be hit, except for you. Well, I wouldn't say I've never been hit, but a quick wit stops some hit.

So how did you end up here? I was born here. These are my people. You were born in Kucheri? Yes. Not even in Vagabond. I was born in regular Kucheri. Before it was taken over by the Flayed God? That has been long years and many people have been alive. The Flayed God certainly has been here for the longest time. The cult around it is not as old, but still older than me.

Part of as old as Ludmilla being the princess. Did the flight guard come before or after the dragon knights? I do not know. This is very old indeed. Meanwhile, Pip. It's so funny you're coming to the fine end. That's where I'm going. I know.

I was thinking the same thing. Pip, you wander into the fine end. I wouldn't call it busy but it is it like every table is full okay there's a bar up basically basically one wall is just a long bar and then there are tables all around the bar is mostly full the tables are almost entirely full you see a lot of once adventurers some presumably regular town townsfolk but a lot of adventurers have come here to drown their sorrows can i like look through and do some quick elimination where i'm like obviously a wizard obviously a rogue sure sure bard bard

rogue wizard sorcerer druid druid yeah a a full two-thirds of this place just would not match the description, as it were. Okay. Is there anybody obviously dressed... This is such a stupid question. But is there anybody obviously dressed in armor? Like knightly, high-overtone? I know what you mean. Looking for the most obvious candidate.

Okay, you ruled really well. Good job. Not well enough for a card, but well enough to see this. Looking around, there's a lot of people in armor, but you can tell. So if you're looking specifically for someone who might be not just a warrior, but a knight. Yeah, I'm looking for heraldry and that kind of thing. You see a lot of armor, and some of that armor has heraldry. But you can tell a lot of that heraldry is not...

It's either just an adventurer looking to make a name for themselves, or it's maybe just armor that is not theirs. Like you spot a dwarf with armor that you're like, that heraldry is Elven? That's not yours? You spot a lot of people like that heraldry is not yours you spot a lot of people like that um the of the people here who are wearing armor of any type you can immediately tell that none of the people in armor here are royalty or nobility or anyone of a high standing or at least they were not of a high standing

before they became an adventurer yeah okay you though, one of the people at the bar sitting right up the back end in a corner, not talking to anyone, not engaging, even some of the most saddest fucks in this place, as they drown their sorrows, they talk morosely to each other about the times that once were, about who they once were and you know every single person here is like i could have been a contender yeah yeah i could have taken down strad if only x yeah oh yeah definitely as you cross the room you hear i could have taken down strad if only x a million fucking times i as i'm walking down through the bar i reflect on the last four years i've spent

in barovia and under my breath i'm like could have been worse the one person up in the corner of the bar like the only person not talking to anyone else he is not wearing armor but he does he does have some of like the sackcloth sort of stuff that a lot of the people here who have just given up wear. But underneath that sackcloth, you can see a white silk shirt with a monogram on it. The monogram on that shirt, it says, or it's got three letters, sorry, RKG. Okay. It's got a laurel wreath and a crown. You don't know the significance of the letters or the laurel wreath,

but the depiction of the crown, you can see the specific nature of that crown. It is specifically referencing the king of Kandor. Oh, okay. That crown specifically references him. He is either related to the king in Kandor. Oh, okay. That crown specifically references him. He is either related to the king in Kandor, or he is somehow part

of the royal court. Okay. Surely that's our guy. I, uh... I can any guy in a suit, you know? That's our guy! That's our guy! You see, he is quite definitely trying to find the bottom of a bottle. He'll keep going until he finds the right one.

All right. That's a good line. You should get a bad boy card. All right. Your weapon is bruised. Ambushed. Oh, no. Pip Mandarin.

I'm calling you out. Pip, a hand gets put on your back. Just as I'm about to be like, ah, to the guy, I swivel around. You get spun around to Bigfoot Paul. Oh my God, Bigfoot Paul, I never thought I'd see you again. Oh, fuck. Bigfoot Paul, you could pick. He's either pissed at you for something you bigfoot paul you could pick he's either

pissed at you for something you did before barovia or he was there a year ago you could pick or both this is my relationship with bigfoot paul when i first arrived in barovia and i was doing the hector thing i like to think he joined me as like the equivalent of my first guy and then i did what i did on a grander scale to him somewhere like i did what i did at the the war against strad um where i abandoned everybody but i did that to him on a smaller scale so like abandoned abandon him fighting people or like ghouls or whatever abandon him to go with keening oh fuck fuck okay well maybe it was... What's the name of that thing? You're like your first Barovian boyfriend.

Uh-oh. Oh, man. Your first Barovian boyfriend can't be a guy called Bigfoot Paul? Who has a type? What's the name of the... It's like the old meat grinder or whatever. What's that? It's like the...

The old bone grinder. I imagine I abandoned him at the old bone grinder. Shoot some hags. That got too hot. But then we reconciled for the fight against Strahd and I abandoned them again. Every time. Every time. This motherfucker.

Goddamn Pip, man. Drew, I just can't quit you. Who knows? Pip could have boyfriends all over this country. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you.

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