D&D is For Nerds - Vampire Infested Barovia III #1 The Benefits of a Short Rest

Episode Date: February 10, 2024

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At your side. This Friday. You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately.

Borderlands. Friday. You're listening to the Sans Pants Network. Although you see no water for miles around, you are, like us, marooned. You're stranded in this sad and lonely place called Barovia. To mix metaphors, we are incarcerated. The fog that surrounds us are the bars of our dungeon, and Baron von Strahd is our jailer.

As far as I can tell, there is only one way out, and that is to kill Devil Strahd. Something's happening in Valakai. Something's wrong. We've got to be patient about this kind of thing, or just clever. We need a good sleep if we're going to even begin to deal with any of the problems we've got. Let's be happy with the problems we solved. You gain the benefits of a short rest.

Huzzah! We're all feeling great. Yeah. I didn't have a heart attack last night. I feel awesome. The heart attack's almost irrelevant Yeah, yeah, yeah It's nothing It's more gravy for the train

Oh, at some point in the night Whoever was off to Gorobin Lush And found them asleep Is that unusual? Like, are they typically pretty good? Well, I mean, it's No, I would say Yeah, it would be unusual

because they literally can sleep independent of each other, which sometimes on the road fucking freaks you out as one of them is snoring and the other one's got complete control of the body. That's going to be nice because they're presumably quieter when that's happening. You would think so. But for both of them to have fallen asleep independently of each other is, yeah, unusual.

That almost, well, you wouldn't necessarily call it suspicious. This is the first time for everything. It's up to you whether or not you find it suspicious. But it certainly has never happened before. You've never caught one of them asleep, let alone both. Okay. I guess who would have seen it? Yeah, who was the next watch?

Well, I'm guessing you two paranoid fucks Probably took first and second watch I think we did So it would have been Piran or Tarpos Odds or evens Odds let's say It was Tarpos who caught them And she has not said anything

Fair enough So you wouldn't have known Well in the morning I guess Would notice the papers are gone. So that would be the first, as I would get up at the crack of dawn. Yeah, yeah. Yes, look around, be like...

I just, yeah, I look around. Perron looks up from his breakfast rat. He's eating the same shit y'all are eating. It's not great. We're all eating breakfast rat It's a particularly juicy one this morning We bought those spices from the traveling merchant Perhaps as you wake up as well You can see there's a little stake stuck in the ground And a puppet has been impaled upon it

You're not sure who did that in the night Is the puppet charred or normal? The puppet is twitching. Okay. That's bad. Maybe if I wake up and I see that, I just tear the puppet's head off, just to be sure. Yeah, no worries. The puppet does not resist.

Yeah, yeah. It's not in a position to tell me. The puppet does not say that. The puppet does not say that Yeah As you're looking around for your papers Hector, Perrin looks up from his breakfast and says, problem? Yes, the research papers

that we had from I gestured down into the basement of the hag's house I was reading them last night Can't find them? Coffee? Yeah, I love a coffee, actually. He pours you both a coffee.

Oh, thank you. It'd be like instant, shit instant coffee. But it's nice. It'd be like ground coffee. Turkish coffee. Oh, beautiful, even better. Infernal coffee. No, Turkish.

Fair enough. Yeah, I was reading, Turkish. Okay. Fair enough. Yeah, I had them. I was reading them when I fell asleep. They're not in your... I rub them in my backpack. Or in your bedroll or anything? You search around. Bad boy card for me.

Good. You... I don't even know what. You... Okay. Rummage around in your backpack. Sorry, I got a really good card. I got a really good bad boy card. You rummage around in your backpack. Sorry, I've got a really good card. I've got a really good bad boy card.

You rummage around in your backpack, in your rucksack, and you find no evidence of the papers. But as you're rummaging around, you also think for a moment, wait, did I put them in my backpack? You're not sure if you did put them in your backpack. You're not sure where you put them now. I think I was reading them. You critically fail, and as such, you don't mark this as suspicious.

You just think you've forgotten where you put them. Did you leave them? You're sure you were reading them last night? You didn't leave them in the basement or something? I might have. It's been so long. You might have left them on the ground, and they might have blown away in the night. I'll go into the wood line with my coffee in my hand and search for the night. I'll go into just like the wood line with my coffee

in my hand and search for the papers. We should probably have jested to the ripped apart puppet. Codewords? Oh, for if we become a puppet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hopefully none of us are already a puppet. Don't want to give the

puppet the codeword and then the real person doesn't know what to say. That's an incredibly suspicious thing to say. Why would I care? If to give the puppet the code word and then the real person doesn't know what to say. That's an incredibly suspicious thing to say. Why would I care? If I'm the puppet, I'm about to learn the code word. Why would I have not just shut my mouth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. Right. Code word? I don't know. What would something a puppet wouldn't say? Indigo.

All right. Indigo it is. Indigo. Right. Everyone got that? Yeah. Goro and Lush look at each other. Gorob calls out,

Of course! It would only take an idiot! A simperton! A foolish first wizard! Am I close? To say... Am I close to them? Yeah.

I just shut their lips. Grab their lips and squeeze. Yeah, perfect. Allow it, yeah. You close Gorob's lips and then with your other hand you quickly close Loshun's lips. No. They got there with two hands. Stop it.

Tapas nods slowly. Indigo. Good. Good? Good. Do I find anything at the tree line? No, you find nothing at the tree line. If they've blown away, I mean, they must be deep into the woods by now.

There was not much. It was just mostly on how they... Well, we might see it on the way back. Presumably it would have spread far, so we'll get some idea. We could go down there, but it's still covered in darkness, and we don't have any more of the barrier. We should make it back to Kutru. Yes.

All right. Head to Kutru, and then maybe a land you always heard from. A bird lands on the burnt-out fire that you have. A bird lands on it. Probably not a raven or a crow. Yeah. Maybe just some small woodpecker-type bird. It turns to you, and then in Elaniel's voice, it speaks.

All right. What was the heart attack last night? Is this like a conversation deal? I guess he's talking through the woods again. Yeah, you know how animal messenger works at this point. You don't get a chance to respond, unfortunately. Right. I guess Cribbit would have.

Right. That makes sense. Okay. We don't know. Does she know when the message is delivered? What do you mean? Oh, does she know when the spell is delivered? What do you mean? Oh, does she know when the spell's discharged? No, she doesn't.

I'm not going to speak to her until... In woodpecker form. No, we're not scheduled to speak until not tonight. I think it's tomorrow morning. No, tomorrow afternoon. Yeah. Well, as we... Maybe as we're packing up camp,

and if we're, like, putting things together, I'll go near a tree and put my hand just like, Elenion? Are you there? Highs or lows? Let's go with highs. You put your hand up against the tree, looking vaguely, you can't see it because you're on the wrong side of the Gakis Mountain, but you look in the direction of Krezek, hoping against hope.

And as soon as your hand is on the tree, you realize you feel that hand on the other side of the tree. And Eleniel speaks to you. Hello? Hello. Eleniel? Yes, what happened? The poor Kribbit. She's clearly forgotten his name for a second.

The frogman, yes. Yeah, we don't know. He seems better now, but something happened. Something happened to Pip as well. That would only mean Leander must have gone into Valakai for, how long was it for that everyone fell down? Oh, it would have been less than a minute. She would have gone in for a minute and then left city limits. Kribbit has found all he thinks he can here.

We're heading to Valakai. Perhaps we can be of assistance. Yes, head to Valakai. Seek out Yenda and see what's going on. Also, did you get my last message? I don't think these woods are. Yes, it is a disquieting thought, but I sense other beings within the trees.

If you get to us in Kuchari, how much of a dogleg is that out of your way to Valakai? We can go to Kuchari or we can go to Valakai. I like maybe turn to the rest. Is it better to have them with us or go to Valakai. I like maybe turn to the rest. Is it better to have them with us or go to Valakai to see what's going on? If Yenda went into the city limits, she wouldn't have done that for no reason. I think send them to Valakai. You haven't heard back from them, have you?

No. I sent them a message last night, but I think neither of them would be able to magically communicate with us. If they want to send a message, they'll have to send it with someone. Unfortunately, both of us are quite out of the way for them. How quickly can you get to Velika? You've got solar. Perhaps a few days, if we ride hard. Ride hard, ride fast, and then hopefully we'll know a bit more. Good luck.

Same to you. Ride hard, ride fast, and then hopefully we'll know a bit more. Good luck. Same to you. Before we finish, perhaps it would be clever to, instead of every second day, every day now, the morning, check in with each other. Yes, I think that is wise. All right. We'll set a time. Just as the sun rises.

That's an easy way to do it. Cool. All right. Good luck to you too. All right. Good luck to you, too. Eleniel withdraws, and as her hand leaves, you feel that other hand is still there. It quickly withdraws immediately after. This time you get alabaster. Not the word, the color.

Alabaster. Alabaster. The color, not the word or the... It's so strange. Huh. Never thought of that in years. Does the color alabaster mean anything to... Tapos. Tapos.

If someone can communicate, like a druid, alabaster. What alabaster? It's kind of like a white. Kind of white, I think. White color in nature. Like in mushrooms, yeah. Chalk. Right, yeah.

Some crabs. She doesn't know crabs, actually. Some snails. Yeah. Is there any particular, I guess, tribe of druid who gets connected more to that particular... Once long ago many druid tribes here, but after

Strahd, after Keshgar, only one, all come together. Druids no longer remember their history. Yeah, sad. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

Alabaster? The color? Something white? A shrug. The dragon knight. The dragon was silver, wasn't it? Silver dragon. Silver dragon.

Yeah. Something is... Is it only the druids that could tap into the... Many things can tap. Druids, anyone who speaks with the forest can. It might not actually be the druids. It might be... Could be druids, could be...

Could be Strahd. Who knows? Could be Strahd. Could be Kelova. Could be any fae, really. Could be tree spirits. Yes, that is a bridge to burn another day. Barovia once, long, long ago, not here, but not here.

She doesn't have the words to describe what she's saying there, but she continues nonetheless. Barovia once forest connected to other places. Other places have alabaster things, surely. Yes, maybe. Do you know what mortal plane... Was Barovia ever connected to Ognoth? Don't know Ognoth, but she shrugs. Piran shakes his head as well.

He stands up, having finished his breakfast, right? He says, The library at Goldcrest has no mention of such a place, so I don't think it comes from Ognort. It's somewhere else entirely. I wouldn't be able to fit it in anywhere anyway. I'll heft my pack on. Let's just head to

Goochery. How is Iris? Iris? Very quiet. You see her staring at her hands a lot. Quite clearly distraught at the situation yes she doesn't like using them as well you see that she's sitting a lot and if she can she uses her wrists rather than her hands to hold things or manipulate objects whatever okay um well if um i just is her head off off let's see horse wise

right I can walk you have three horses yes that's true yeah well it could be

you Hector and Iris on one oh yeah yeah I've got

yeah someone's gotta walk I've got two bodies as well draped over the back of one. Yeah, true. Actually, I don't think Iris can ride on your horse, no. Or I don't think someone else could be riding on your horse. Tapos, can you turn into a horse?

Tapos can be horse. Yes, just I think we need to get to Kuchu, I guess, quicker than not. Okay. Tapos doesn't seem entirely pleased by the, I guess, quicker than not. Okay. Tapos doesn't seem entirely pleased by the situation, but she'll do it. Okay. Does she have a preference of who wants to ride her? Yeah.

Like, does she want to take the two? Tapos take bodies. Take the bodies. Right, okay. All right. Seems the least demeaning. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, for sure. Pip, did you want to go with either Pyrrhon or Gorob and Lashen?

I'll go with Pyrrhon. Iris will. I'll go with either Pyrrhon or Gorob and Lushen? I'd go with Pyrrhon. Iris will... I'll take Iris. Pyrrhon nods. He doesn't care too much. Whatever. I clamber aboard awkwardly. I help Iris on the horse.

You help Iris on the horse, then... Oh, no, I was about to say Gorob and Lushen and Tarpos ride together, but obviously they don't. Gorob and Lushen mount their own horse, I guess, and you set off. Do I know, like, with Iris, I mean, I guess I don't know enough about Kooturi. Like, we can't bring her into Kooturi, can we? It's highly...

I mean, there's a vagabond, because it's so chockers with adventurers. Adventurers are... They come in all shapes and sizes. Yeah, adventurers probably, for the most part, I mean, you wouldn't say all of them won't care because a lot of them will be fucking weirdos.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of them will be like, oh my god, a monster. Yeah, pretty much. But a lot of adventurers, a lot of different types of adventurers would at least hesitate

before they struck down a child. A child, yeah. What is ostensibly a child, yeah. But the greater population, hard to say. And with the Vistani, if we brought her back to her people, do I think that they would take her back? Well, it seems like her people, the wagon she was traveling with, is not around anymore. And other Vistani might take her in.

They might not. It depends, honestly, on the Vistani. Your best bet actually might be, you know Iona Murthsong well enough. She's bleeding hot. She would absolutely look after this little girl. Or if not, know someone. Yeah, I think maybe at some point during the night before, I would assume when she had fallen asleep,

maybe asking Pip who is Monster Hunter, if there's any reversing of that, of that, like reversing the hag stuff, or if you might have known anything like that. It's far less typical, right? Like reversing a werewolf or reversing a vampire. That shit, because there's so many of them, it happens all the time. But reversing a hag is... If anyone can do it, a cleric can.

Yeah, like with most things, if you find a cleric of enough power, they can pretty much do anything. But in Barovia, with gods so fragmented, chances are pretty slim. This seven-layer bean dip of a cosmology doesn't leave much room for powerful gods. Adam mumbled, stroking his beard. Thoughtful gods. Hmm. Hmm. Adam mumbled, stroking his beard.

Thoughtful, thoughtful, his beard. Let's not go overboard. Let's not describe what I have, a beard. Gross. Oh, cool. Okay. What is it? Is it something good?

We'll find out. Yay. It'd be awesome if it was something good, dude. Hokey dokey. So, don't look at me. Do your own things. Have a conversation. Role play. We'll head

through the woods. Who's the best? I guess you or Tarpos in terms of tracking. Yeah, I imagine I'm... Yeah, Tarpos is a horse. She's looking at the world with horse vision. I'll be tracking the direction to go. Alright, so you're in front? Yeah, I, yeah. Topaz is a horse. She's looking at the world with horse vision. I'll be tracking the direction to go. All right.

So you're in front? Yeah, I guess so. I guess maybe I, at some point, asking Iris, like, how many were in the wagon? Like, how many, like, how many people did she travel with? Kind of. While also keeping on the lookout for puppets. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Dude, I am so paranoid. I'm puppet mad right now. Pip's tense as a fucking snake. Go on. Who's the third member of your party? Just say your name right now. Third member? Who's the third member?

Just give me the- Tarpos. Tarpos? All right. Tarpos gives a little startle and your formation comes to a halt. The two of you presumably turn around to look at, oh, Tarpos is a horse. That's the noise Tarpos makes instead. The two of you look around and you see you didn't spot it because it was attached to the tree in such a way that it was on the opposite side.

You would have walked right past it with it being obscured by the tree. But you see that there is tied to the tree a... At first it looks like a fucking human, but then it looks like a scarecrow. It's been strapped to the tree. It's big. It's man-sized. It's not a puppet. Do I recognize it as anything? It looks like a scarecrow.

Okay. Do you have anything in your... Does it look like a scarecrow or does it look like a stuffed man? I know that that seems like not much of a difference. It's a plaid shirt. Okay. Jeans, big heavy looking boots, a pumpkin head, and gloves for hands.

You can see straw is poking out around all the seams. The pumpkin head has eyes and a mouth carved into it. Apart from that, yeah, that's what you're looking at. And there's ropes stretched over it, tying it to the tree, fixing it in place so it can't... So that if it were a creature, it couldn't lose. Under my breath, I mutter, wheat defender. And I open up Emmanuel.

Don't let it down. Is this a hag's doing or...? Honestly, I don't know. I mean, it could be that the villagers or, I mean, the people of Kutri found a wheat defender if it's alive. Is that a wheat defender? It defends wheat it's it's a scarecrow brought to life by dark magics hold on this fucking wheat defenders and hags

are not like you would associate one with the other but they it's it's like a one does not cause the other one they're just related hags can create scarecrows But scarecrows can be created by anyone who just knows how These creatures can be distinguished By a lack of any formal head or face A pumpkin That would be an indication That's an informal head Yeah

Knock off the head Well, thine wicked head having a mouth and eyes Carved into it Does it have a hat? There's a hat on the floor in front of it. Has someone already beheaded this scarecrow? Did you say the hat is off its head? What?

Wheat defender. Beware the terrifying glare of a wheat defender. While they might appear as normal wheat defenders, as a normal wheat defender with normal humanoid anatomy and guts made of straw, these creatures, like I said, can be distinguished by a lack of any formal head or face. Thine wicked hat having a mouth and eyes carved into it. Can I get off the horse and kick the hat just to see if it's got like a mouth and eyes? The hat? Yeah.

You flip it over. Yeah. Mouth and eyes? The hat? Yeah. You flip it over and you see, yes, on the other side of the hat, there is a mouth and eyes carved into the, or holes for eyes and a mouth in the hat.

Beware it's terrifying glare, but I think they might have. No, sorry, you're making a saving throw now. You've looked into the face. God fucking damn it. Thought they'd killed it. Didn't know it could remove its own head. I guess its head is hot. I should have figured it out. Just like I was...

Why'd he kick it? I wanted to check it wasn't just a regular scarecrow. Could have stabbed it. You make the saving throw. Pip, you stumble a few feet backwards, fall onto your ass, but you are otherwise unaffected. When you stare into the eyes on the hat

or the eye holes on the hat, you hear laughter ringing in your ears. Only you hear this laughter, but you know somehow the laughter is directed at you and it is about your failures. You don't know how you know, but you know it's laughing at your failures. Shut up! Shut up!

No one is saying anything. The scarecrow is! I just... I mean, you kind of already know, but I was hoping there's a way to tell that you're dealing with a wheat defender, which is to express your deepest fear. Yeah. Which would have been very funny.

I guess like grab my spear. What do we do? Is it attacking us? When you flip the hat over, fair enough. Yeah. The body on the tree starts moving. The pumpkin just rolls off and hits the ground harmlessly. The scarecrow starts trying to move, but it's tied to the tree. moving, the pumpkin just rolls off and hits the ground harmlessly. The scarecrow

starts trying to move, but it's tied to the tree. It can't. So, nobody look at the hat, I say. But I think they've incapacitated it, whoever tied it here. But just for safety, let's kill the hat. I'd like to plug it with

two arrows. Silver or fire? How do you kill a hat okay it's bound to the tree it's not a hard thing to do you plug the hat two times destroying it the body stops moving yeah i i don't know who somebody caught this wheat defender tied it to a tree and then i suppose its hat fell off onto the ground. Or it removed its head somehow. Either way, it's dead. Can I search it? Whatever.

I might as well loot it while we're here. Reach into its strawry guts. You find nothing but straw, unfortunately. Fair enough. There's a black gem, or a black rock, sorry, not gem, inside the heart of the wheat defender or scarecrow, which you know is part of the ritual. But whatever this rock might have once been, it probably was a precious gem at one point.

Okay. It's long since lost its luster and magical charge. It's like decayed, basically. Yeah, pretty much. I climb back onto the horse. You think the scarecrow has been here for maybe a hundred years. Wow. It's old.

Those genes would be valuable. What do you mean? What? Old jeans are really valuable. What? This is true. I believe you. There are people who,

their entire way of making money is they go and explore old mines in America and try and find denim because that denim is really, really valuable and they make a living off it. Why? How is it valuable? I don't know.

What property does it have? I think it's because it's such an old and durable kind of form of denim. People wear them as well, like ancient, really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. There you go. Anyway. It's crazy.

That's just cotton, baby. We got that. Yeah, we could make jeans. All right. Well, I climb back onto the horse. And we keep. That's the snow off my. Alright, well, I climb back onto the horse. And we keep... Sorry about that. Just...

Keep going. As far as distractions in this place go, it was positively pleasant. Yeah, it was... Well, for you, maybe. I say. Are you alright? Yeah, I know. I'm fine. Shaking off the laughter of General Mandarin. General Mandarin.

I know. I'll be okay, at least. I'll keep scanning the tree line for puppets, hands, and for the scarecrows. You make your way out onto the road and then follow the trail towards the Salenka Pass. On your way to the Salenka Pass, you see ahead of you, you spot it on the horizon, you can see a wagon stopped on the road.

Is it the wagon from the Kyrgyzstan? Yes. It bears a striking resemblance to the wagon you spent a night in. Maybe you reiterate. Iris, how many people did you travel with? Because you're family again, sorry. Eight.

Eight. Eight's good. Can we see, are there people with the wagon? Straining your eyes past Piran proves impossible to see an ingot. Well, there were no people in it when it... But maybe they've come back. But we know that we have yet to find that one Vistani that clearly made a deal. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In my head, I'm just checking it off.

Like, we found two. There's that one that ran, like, that we don't know. That's three. That's a lot unaccounted for. Yeah. The wagon becomes closer and closer. i assume you're moving yeah yeah this isn't some magical effect no no no yeah it's not upturned it just stopped right it's stopped yeah okay well we caught yeah well last time we saw it it was moving by itself yeah

is it near anything like as in are we quite near the pass or No. Oh, you're at, like, the, you know how I said there was that turn where there's that sign that says way out south, and the first time you came through here on your way to Kuturi, you just ignored that road because it wasn't really even a thought for you. But, yeah, it would be, the wagon would have just turned from that road going towards Kuturi and the Salenka Pass. from that road going towards Kuturi and the Salinka Pass. Your, Iris, as we're heading up, Iris, your uncle that went a little bit… Insane. Yes. Do you know anything about what he was saying or why he might have done such a thing? No, I don't think so.

Was your wagon magic? No. Okay, so it couldn't spring sort of back and reform itself and travel by itself? No, we had horses. Yeah, that makes sense. All right, well, hold on tight. I think that is your wagon and maybe some of your family are up ahead. As you approach the turn, you leave the thickest part of the woods,

the path towards the Salenka Pass. Trees get thinner and thinner and thinner until they're very sparse. And as you leave that thick part of the woods, you breathe an unconscious sigh of relief. You hadn't noticed it, but you were holding your breath. Here, it's just going to be a lot harder

for something to sneak up on you. Not impossible. Not impossible, but there's going to be a lot harder for something to sneak up on you. Not impossible. Not impossible, but there's going to be no little puppets climbing up the horse legs. Yeah, nothing's going to drop on you from a tree. Absolutely, yeah, for sure. All right. As you get closer to the wagon,

you can spot there are two people staggering around the wagon with not really much purpose to what they're doing. The wagon has no horses. You can see the gash that had fixed itself when you were watching it right itself. That gash is there again. Okay. And, yeah, like I said,

there are two figures just aimlessly wandering around the wagon. Seeing the gash, it's like, right, I guess when the hag died, any magics or deals that she made has been undone. The figures are milling about. Wandering, I would say.

Milling is not the right word. When we get closer, can we... Are they Vistani? Are they wandering with purpose? Very purposeless. Aimlessly wandering around. Shamblingly? Would you describe them as staggering, Adam?

Yeah, I might. Jerkily? Yeah. It's kind of like a bog man situation. Might be a bog man situation. Okay. I guess at what point, how close are we? When you, by the time you realize what you're looking at, by the time you understand oh shit, they have seen you and the two of them

reach out with hands. You can't hear them yet, but you know the call that they're making. They start staggering their way towards you. Okay, oh no. Well, how far away are they? I would say we'll go to initiative. And I'll tell you that after I've rolled everyone's initiative.

Because every round you don't kill them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They summon more bog men. Goddamn motherfucking bog men, dude. Hector, it's your turn. You would be, I would say at this point, maybe 250 meters away by the time that you can't help but notice. Which is about, I'm going to call it around down to 800 feet.

800 feet. Yep. Oh, boy. Yeah. Okay. Okay. It is. They're log men.

Yep. Okay. Well, you'd all, it's quite obvious at this point. So, yeah, heck, it's your turn. The furthest, like the only thing I can do is get closer. How quickly can I get to only be 120 feet away? 120 feet? It's going to take a while.

Let me quickly check the movement speed of a horse. Actually, because there are different types of horses, highs or lows. Did Purin spring for a nice horse? Let's go with low. Yeah? You got the slowest piece of shit. You got a seahorse.

Old nag. You guessed right. You have a riding horse, the faster equivalent, so you move it 60 feet. The horse can double move for you, so you can move 120 feet this turn. And, I mean, you can still get an action, but you've only cut it down to 680. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you're going to do? Yeah, because there's nothing else we really can do. It's such a pity. Letting you know,

look, I know I bang on about this all the time, but in 3.5, a lot more options for movement. Yeah, I can imagine. You could run, so you have disadvantage to a lot of things, but you get extra, extra movement rather than just double movement. Anyway. Anyway. Yeah. Hey, there you go. Look, all I can do is move closer until I'm at least in striking distance.

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The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands. Friday. And then, Pip, it's your turn. I'm on the horse. With Piran, yeah. I'm at Piran's whim, really. I can't hit from this distance, so.

Okay. Yeah. Is there anything you'd like to prepare? No, I think I'm pretty good. I got a lot of stuff already done. What's your max distance? 400 at the moment. Okay. It's Gorub and Lushen's turn.

They ride hard and fast and 120 feet as well. And it is the Zomberinos' turn. They get a total of 40 feet in your direction. So now you're only 700 and, well, you're less than that, but you're close in the distance. So now you're only 700 and... Well, you're less than that, but I'm... You're close in the distance. Yeah, yeah. It's Piran's turn.

Piran has nothing to do but ride, so you also move 120 feet. Nice. And Tarpos... Ooh, what's she gonna do? She is a horse. Yeah, she's currently a horse. I guess...

She could become a cheater. Well, like, just keep her distance. I guess. She could become a cheetah. Keep her distance, I guess. Well, she's going to ride as well, but she'll bring up the rear. Okay. All right. And then. It's more like, well, it's.

How many keep coming? How many zombies, Adam? You son of a bitch. Put them far away. Start combat early. Gives himself plenty of time to bring more zombies into the fray. As you, at about this point, you still can't hear the zombies, but now only it's because the galloping hooves and plenty of other things can hear the zombies. You see from just the surrounding countryside four more bodies. Whoop.

Whoop. God. Whoop. Okay. Whoop. From prone positions, they stand up and start staggering their way towards you. Sorry, did I say four? I think it's actually five.

So you've got a total of seven zombies. Yeah, good. Okay. Awesome, dude. I love that shit. And heck, it's your turn. All right. The newer zombies, are they closer to us? No, they'd I love that shit. And heck, it's your turn. The newer zombies, are they closer to us?

No, they'd be closer to them. Keep riding, I guess. If I... Yeah, I guess I got... 120 feet is my max range. So I'll keep riding. Alright, you move another 240 feet. They move 40 towards you. So you are currently... after the zombies turn,

you will be 850 feet away from them at the end of this turn. They call for more reinforcements. That's another four. God damn it. There's 11 in total now. God damn it, it's getting bad. And I'm guessing we'll just do the same thing again? I think it's up until whoever's got the, what, your 400?

Yeah, I'm 400. As soon as you get into range, you can start plugging away. They get one more turn because you're 440 away at the next thing. Oh, actually, do they go first or do you? Yep, they go first. So, unfortunately, actually, at the beginning of the turn, you're 440 away. But at the end, after they've moved, you're 400. God damn it.

But they move before you, unfortunately. So, they get one more call. They get another four. So, there's a total of 15 now. It started off with two. Jesus Christ. And then, heck, you are 400 feet away. Can you do anything?

I can't, so I'm going to keep moving. Well, after that turn, then, you are 280 feet away. Okay. Getting there. Getting there, baby. Can you do anything now? Nope. Nope.

Oh, that sucks. All right. Pip, you are, well, you can move into 200. Oh, no, that's if you wait for Pierron. You're currently 400 feet away. I'll fire. 400 is my max distance, and I'll make it a precise shot. All right.

So you don't get disadvantage or advantage. Yeah. First attack is a hit. Nice. All right. It's starting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can hopefully, by the time.

By the time we get there, I can at least have taken out two, hopefully. One of the zombies goes down. All right. Down to 14. You fire a second shot. That's another one. So you're down to 13. Twang.

And then that was Pip. It's Gorub and Lushen's turn. Their maximum range is 60 feet. So they just got to keep moving. It's the zombies' turn. They close another 40 feet. But that's their turn. It's the zombies' turn. They close another 40 feet. Okay. But that's their turn. It's Piran.

Piran? Actually, no, I don't think Piran can do anything, simply because his ranged attack is a short bow, and he needs two hands for that. So he can't keep control of the horse and fire a bow. Classic. Tarpos moves. God damn it. I just took out two. Another fire a bow. Classic. Tarpos moves. God damn it.

I just took out two. Another three. Fuck. Fuck. Up to 16, baby. Okay. All right, heck, it's your turn. You are 240 feet away.

Okay. Oh, at the end of your turn, you'll be 120 feet. Cool. That's with double moving. That's with the horse double moving. You still get shit to do. The horse double moves for you. The horse took its action, baby.

Ooh. Ooh. Okay. Well, I will... I hate to do this. Aldrich Blast. Yes. Two of them. First attack.

Two attacks, two hits. Thump, thump. Yeah. You kill two. Nice. Oh, well, actually, I got to roll the damage separately. Sorry. You kill one.

Ah. But you hurt another one. Two bolts of arcane energy lobbed high in the air, arc their way slowly. You score two hits. One of the zombies is completely destroyed. Its chest broken open, and its arms and legs fall down. That feels gross for me, right? Yeah, yeah.

I feel like I get aftertaste of like... Oh, absolutely. Kind of like, yeah, I don't even... Like a kind of bitterness, like you've just bitten into a rotten apple. What does it look like as well? Does my hair still go on like scally or have I got a bit more control over this now? Do you get just like skeleton, like you've kind of been like a cartoon that's been electrocuted when you cast it?

A bit, yeah. Well, not a bit. Yes. Your hand is skeletal as you cast this spell. What does the actual arcane energy look like? It would look... What is Eileen's arcane, yeah. Well, last time it was me screaming and whips.

I'm hoping it's gotten a little bit more in control. With this distance and range, rather than a whip, it is transformed instead into a screaming red skull. That slams into each of them. Have I involuntarily started screaming, or is that... Once again, have I got a little bit more under control here? For a cantrip, you don't have to scream. That's what I like to hear.

Pip, it's your turn, you're 120 feet away Okay, I will Fire two arrows, just two regular arrows And try and move closer Are you using precise shot? No, I'll just regularly attack Yeah, because actually you're 240 Because Piran hasn't had his action yet

And Piran's actually the one in control You can always wait until after Piran Until you're a bit closer Yeah, maybe I'll hold my action until Piran's had his turn. So then it's Gorban Lushen's turn. Gorban Lushen, just ride closer. It's the Zomberino's turn. They move closer.

And then Piran has his action. And then, Pip, you can fire. You're in 80 feet, so I believe you just roll twice. Two hits. Nice. Minimum damage is enough. So you're down to 13 believe you just roll twice. Two hits. Nice. Minimum damage is enough, so you're down to 13. Twang, twang. Yeah, good job.

Kind of standing up on the horse's neck a little bit. Not on the horse's neck. On the horse's back. One foot on the horse's head, you know. Yeah, you ride a horse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Pip knows how to ride a horse. Oh, he knows.

You get on the horse's head and you lie down. That's what you're looking at currently, yeah. Piran is on the horse's head. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pip, you leaning over around Piran as brave as you can. Very brave, to be honest, because you've taken both hands off Piran. Oh, God. You fire two crossbow bolts.

One strikes one of the zombies, knocking it off its feet, hits the dirt. Another one striking, pinning a zombie to a tree. The zombie keeps trying to move and tears itself apart as it does so, collapsing forwards as well. Then the zombies summon three more. Awesome stuff. Three more zombies begin clawing their way out of the mud and dirt. It looks like, it feels like you're on a graveyard right now. Perhaps you're slowly starting to realize that Barovia,

with the sheer number of adventurers that have come through this place, Barovia is in its entirety one large mass grave. Fucking hell. That zombies can just be drawn out of when they're called. Alright. Hector, it's your turn. You can close into melee range if you so choose. Do I want that?

If I go into melee range and do say like an AoE, Word of Radiance, how many can I perhaps hit? An AoE, Word of Radiance. So you could hit two two or you could hit six with four attacks of op oh boy oh boy okay i'm not going to try and close the distance that much i don't want to basically them to be able to get to me yeah so if i can close the gap um like

60 feet sort of thing so that you know it's not they They can move so that you're within 60 feet. Now, you get within 60 feet, and then your horse starts panicking. Oh, yeah. It's a horse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It has eyes on the sides of its head, and zombies have eyes in the front of their head, implying they are predators.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're going to need to make an animal handling check to keep control of your horse. Okay. Uh-oh. It's okay. Natty20, get a good boy card. So you're going to need to make an animal handling check to keep control of your horse. Okay. Uh-oh. It's okay. 90-20. Oh, you're fine.

You're better than fine. You maintain control of the horse. Excellent, excellent, excellent. So did you want to get within 60 feet or did you want to get 60 feet closer, would you say? Because they're shambling towards us at like 40 feet, right? So actually, I'll go to like 90 feet. Yeah. So you're going a bit further back.

Yeah, so I'm at 120 feet, so I'll move 30 feet closer. Well, at the beginning, because they move, at the beginning of your turn, they're 80 feet away. Oh, sick. Alright. I'll fire two Eldritch Blasts. Bang, bang. Hit, hit. Nice. A bit of vomit.

Yeah. Feels bad. Two kills. Feels rotten. Every time you cast Eldritch Blast, you feel a kinship with these creatures. I don't like that. Oh, no. That's bad. Push that down.

Was that it? Yeah. All right. It's Gorb and Lushen's turn. They're going to charge in. Their horse panics. They don't care. Instead of an animal handling check, they make an athletics check to jump. To just roll off the horse?

Gorub and Lushen abandon the horse, land in among the dead, and start swinging. Hell yes. Dangerous, though. Hit, hit. Two zombos go down. It's the zombies' turn. Gorub and Lushen get attacked. Idiots.

Dumbest fucks in the realm. Oh, they start raging as well. Why not? Why aren't they always raging? Maniacs. Two hits and then they need to make a very important some very important jokes.

Am I gonna have to cut off, I'm gonna have to go full barber surgeon on this party? Oh, Gorub Lushen. What's up, dude? I'm going to have to go full barber surgeon on this party. What's up, dude? Adam, is everything okay as to our friends Gorob and Lushen? Hazel Lowe's. Don't go there. Is everything okay with the two guys we know?

Hazel Lowe's. Let's go Lowe's. Lowe's. Lowe's. All right. Gorob and Lushen get swarmed. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

And then it is Pyrrhon's turn. Pyrrhon. Highs or lows? Highs. Pyrrhon doesn't have combat experience on horseback. Pyrrhon gets you as close as he feels comfortable. Yeah gets you as close as he feels comfortable, but as close as he feels comfortable is too close for the horse. Oh, no.

Piran needs to make an animal handling check. Fuck. He'll be good at that. The horse starts trying to buck you. Oh, fucking hell. Piran turns it around and manages to keep it under control. Piran looks back at you, Pip, and says, Oh, sorry about that.

I mean, like, I get it. Horses are scary. All right, it's your turn, Pip. I'll swivel around beside him, and I'll do two more precise shots. Precise shots? Yes. Two more hits, you're down to ten. Okay, all right, that that's good you maybe clear some

of the ones off gorob and lushan yeah that's where i would have been one of them has just torn oh no you see gorob and lushan's shirt comes away torn in its mouth around where their neck is you can see there's blood but you don't know if it's old or new oh fuck dude and gorobin well no gorobin legend is screaming you cannot amputate a head well clearly they are evidence they're clear evidence you can you're just gonna find a new body yeah body bodies all around that's true it's tarpos's You hear thump, thump as two corpses hit the ground, and Tarpos is once again standing. Tarpos casts a spell, and then in her hands is a ball of flames.

She hurls the ball of flames at one of the zombies. It explodes in fire, and you're down another one, so you're down to nine. That completely clears them off Gorub and Lushen. That's good. And then four more. God damn it. Back up to 13. God damn it. I need to get closer. I need to get closer.

Alright, it is heck your turn. I am about 80 feet out, 90 feet out. No, you didn't move, so you're 40 feet out now. Speaking of which, you need to make an animal handling check. Yeah, okay. Yep. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. You get bucked. Yep. Okay. Can you? Can I? Yep. Well, I was, yeah, okay.

My plan was to be, can I get off the horse? Well, you get off. And send it with Iris away. You take four points of damage. Iris is also blocked. No. Oh, no. Iris.

Iris hag abilities. Iris hits the ground and cries out in pain. Was it a saving throw? No. It was a ability check. Not ability check. pain. Was it a saving throw? No. It was a ability check. Not ability check, sorry. It was a skill. Right.

I guess we'll fall, cop the damage. Horse bolted. Yeah, horse is fucking out of there. Iris, I'm so sorry. Get behind me and run. If you can get the horse, you can get the horse. She scoffers. She starts running.

You hear she's cradling one of her arms, which the long, thin, brittle arm has definitely broken at an angle that is not supposed to be. Oh, no. So I'm like 60 feet away at least. You're currently 40 feet. Yeah. I don't want to keep using it, but Eldrrick Blast seems to be the best option you got. Best option. You're a warlock now, baby.

Embrace it. That's what warlocks do. Eldrick Blast, Adam. You think you're on the wrong side, buddy. Huh? Ooh. What up? How many could be, say, for example, in a 10-foot radius sphere?

In a 10-foot sphere? Mm-hmm. You could get three. Not worth it. Like, I got, like, shadow. I was like, it just doesn't seem that worth it for three. I know. Three doesn't seem like many.

If you want to wait, they're about to swarm Gorob and Lushen. If you don't care too much about Gorob and Lushen. If you don't care too much about Gorob and Lushen. If you don't mind chattering your friends. I'll do blast. You hit twice. You kill two more of them. All right. Definitely feels like zombies get a bad rap nowadays.

You notice as you cast the spell, the skeletal appearance is getting a little bit further down your arm Oh no It feels like It gives you the impression of running out of time Like you're using yourself up Oh that's not good That sucks

You're happy to end your turn 40 feet from them? Can I move back 10? 10? Alright so you're 50 feet from them. No worries. Gorbun, Lushen. Yes. Get two more of them.

You're down to nine. All right. That's where we were at the end of the last turn. It's the zombies' turn. A few of them stagger towards you, Hector. Okay. None of them are going to make it up to you. You are 10 feet away from, I'm going to say, three.

Oh, that's scary. Gorbun, Lushen get attacked by five. Oh, my God. I'm going to say, three. Oh, that's scary. Gorb and Lushen get attacked by five. Oh my god. I'm so concerned. Hit. Critical. Oh, fuck. I don't know, I genuinely like, you know, if it's not on an appendage, it's not the kind of thing

that I can just fix. We'd have to find a cleric. I don't know how much time we'd have. Fuck. Maximum damage and roll the damage dice again. Shoulder jab. Oh, God. So they take only five more points of damage. They don't do a lot.

And Gord and Lushen need to make four saving throws. Gord and Lushen are being swarmed. They're just screaming. They pick up a zombie, throw it off them. Another one latches onto them. It currently looks like they're being bit a lot. Okay. They've been bit heaps.

Not the cleverest lads. Piran loses control of the horse. Oh, God. Both of you get loses control of the horse. Oh god. Both of you get dismounted. Okay, fucking hell. Pyrrhon takes, both of you take six points of damage. Jesus Christ, we land on top of each other and stab each other with

our weapons. You both hit the dirt and Pyrrhon, as you're getting up as you're pulling your face out of the dirt you stare into the dead glossy eyes of another dragonborn oh that's always sad but i'm disconnected from my cultural heritage so could be worse at first as you get up it looks like you think you're looking at yourself then you shake your head and it's it's a dragonborn, but it's not anything like you.

It was just a trick of your mind, perhaps. Your heavy crossbow is next to you. You pick it up as you stand up. Yeah, okay, spray shot. Everybody in a 30-foot cone. But it's not like a barrage, so I can miss my allies. All right, you'll need to move up to them to do this. Yeah, that's okay.

You charge forwards as you do so you point the heavy crossbow down give it a heavy shake and the crossbow bolt in there falls out yeah you take some of that fucking goo yeah yeah slather it over the the string which will allow it to stick very quickly to enough bolts to fire a massive scatter burst you upend your heavy crossbow and you bore crossbow bolts down into it. Like I'm loading a fucking musket. You, around Gorob and Lushen, you can hit five.

Let's do it. That is a hit. That's a critical miss. Fuck. That's a hit. That's three so far. Four. Five.

All right. You hit four. You three so far. Four. Five. All right. You hit four. You critically miss one. Fuck. The critical miss. Ricochet. You've always been scared of this. Make a DC 16 dexterity saving throw.

On a failed save, you take the weapons damage. You're blinded for a D4. Oh, no. Oh, no, Adam. Thated for a d4. Oh no. Oh no, Adam. That's a one, baby! No! Pip, you pull the trigger, and then everything goes black. At first

you're not sure. That's three rounds of blindness, baby. At first, you're not sure what just happened. Oh my god. Then you understand that you feel searing white hot pain. Was it a saving throw of a certain kind?

It was a saving throw. Okay. What kind of saving throw? It was a dexterity saving throw. Could I perhaps roll a saving throw or an attack roll for an ally using my appropriate modifier? Let me show you how. Not funny.

Oh, thank God. Hector, you see Pip about to pull the trigger, and you can see the crossbow bolts are all in a wrapped type bundle except one, like a stray hair has not been slotted properly through the guiding rods, and you can see that when the trigger's pulled,

it's just going to snap back into him. Pip, Pip. Oh! Thumb it down and then fire. You still miss that one, but you hit four. I don't blind myself for three rounds. I'd have fucking died.

Oh, my God. All right. You're down to five zombies. Hell, yeah. That was Piran and Pip's turn It's Tarpos' turn She produces another ball of flames Strikes another zombie

You're down to four zombies We're getting there, we're working through them We're working through them, baby But hold on, what's this? Pip, you hear a moaning sound from behind you Fucking hell. Fucking hell. The dragonborn corpse you were staring at starts clawing its way towards you.

It tears its lower half off, and it's just arms, torso, and a head. There's another four. Fucking hell. You're up to eight again. Okay. That's all right. It's okay. Okay. Hector, it's your turn. Cool. You are up to eight again. Okay. That's all right. It's okay. Okay.

Hector, it's your turn. Cool. You are surrounded now. Excellent. Those came from all different directions. Okay. That's okay. So I'm close enough now to actually engage in melee, right?

Yes. If I attack twice, is there anyone that's close to me? Yeah, you can hit two if you attack twice. Okay. You'll need to move ten feet. Yes. Yes. If I attacked three times, would I be able to hit three? No. Oh, okay. You'll need to move ten feet. Yes, yes. If I attacked three times, would I be able to hit three?

No. Oh, yes, so long as you hit... So, there is a chance, if you get three attacks, there is a chance... Are you talking about Word of Radiance or melee attacks? No, melee attack. Alright, there's two right next to each other, ten feet from you.

If you moved in and first attack hit, kill. Second attack hit, kill. You'd be fine to move onto a third target. Problem, if you don't down the first two

and you keep moving for the third, you will attack an attack of all. Well, let's just go through step by step. Sure. I mean, you can stop

at any point. We'll move forward and we'll stab once. First one is a hit. You're using your spear? Yep. Straight through the head. The corpse explodes in flames.

You don't need to worry about that one. There's nothing left to do. Okay. Excellent. Right, that's one. Attack the other one. A natty 20.

Fuck yeah. The second one explodes into flames. That one, it's ash. There's nothing to swap. You don't need to worry about that one. How many are we down to?

You're down to six. I can do an extra attack. Oh, nice. Using the dingus dangus. I'm going to use an extra attack and I'm going to attack. Move up forward and if my last roll was a hit, I can automatically hit my

next lovely lad. So I'm going to use two good boy cards to take out a zombie. hit my next lovely lad. So I'm going to use two good boy cards to take out a Zombo. You take down three Zombos. Okay, we're doing it. You're down to five Zombos. It is Gorbun Lushen's turn.

Critical miss. Oh my god. Doofus. It's kind of inevitable, I guess. Pip. Yeah? Doofusits It's kind of inevitable I guess Pip Yeah Goban Lushen The sword is just swinging Oh no Cutting through corpses

They kill one corpse One zombie gets cut neatly in twin And then you turn around And you are about to say You're maybe about to compliment them or something like that. Or maybe concerned you can see they're covered in bites. Covered in bites. Not paying attention to what they're doing,

the sword hits you. Oh, no. Oh, no. What have they done to me? You take 23 points of damage. Oh, my God. Fucking hell. What have they done to me? You take 23 points of damage. Oh my god. Fucking hell. You're on 11 hit points.

Gorob and Lushen, do you know how rare hit points are right now? They're both wild-eyed. It's like an animal. They'll be full of bog man poison. I can't even blame them. Piran's turn. It's like an animal. They'll be full of dog man poison. I can't even blame them. Piran's turn. Piran fires his bow. He hits one, and one zombie goes down.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. You just hear him muttering. Pip, it's your turn. There's three left. I'll just fire two regular arrows at him. Two hits, two more down. Nice. There's one zombie left.

Tarpos, come on. You only need to do this. Hit, down. Oh, wait, no, I need to roll. Because they could get... Yeah. If they get snake eyes on this... Yeah, no way they'll get snake eyes.

Yeah. You're good. Oh, thank God. Okay. Right. Okay. You do the head, heart thing. Pip, you count 27 corpses. Okay. You do the head-heart thing. Pip, you count 27 corpses.

Okay. You do the head-heart thing. I will go to Olmey. I'll go to Gorob and Lushen. Gorob and Lushen are covered in bites. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Does anybody... They need a cleric.

That's why they need a cleric. Does anybody know prestidigitation? Piran? Why would you assume I know? I don't know. No,. Does anybody know prestidigitation? Piran? Why would you assume I know? I don't know. No, I don't know prestidigitation. I can cast vicious mockery. That won't help.

That won't help. I can enthrall. Without any protection, armoring or alchemical, a victim of poor health will be subject to the deadly disease. I'm saying this as I'm examining the corpses, known as bog man fury. One afflicted with bog man fury will suffer a creeping death over the next days and weeks

until they are slain and another bog man rises in their place. Is it a poison? Once infected, only the most powerful of alchemical cures or clerical treatment will save the victim. It's a... Yeah, is it kind of like a poison? Or is it something in their saliva? It's a disease, yeah.

It's a disease, I say. It's a disease, it's a disease, it's a disease. Lesser restoration or protection from poison. Will that do anything? Lesser restoration will, yes. Corbin Lushen, sit down. You can see they're turning green. Grab both of their, either side of either head, and I cast Lesser Restoration.

Unfortunately, with good magic. Unfortunately with good magic. Now I've wasted a spouse life. Gorub and Lushen look up at you and you can see their eyes are becoming pure white. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can see the blood veins in their eyes are beginning to bulge and become dominating. You cast Lesser Restoration. Peniel, please protect these two idiots.

You drag out of them black, awful-looking ichor and bile, the same bile that drools from these zombies as they attack you, and then you throw it into the ground. The mass of black bile becomes wriggling worms, and then the worms sink into the earth. I take my crossbow, which was trained on Grub and Lushen, down, and I'll go and start swapping hearts and brains. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet.

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