D&D is For Nerds - Vampire Infested Barovia III #19 An Act of Genuine Sacrifice

Episode Date: June 15, 2024

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Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands. Friday.

You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Although you see no water for miles around, you are, like us, marooned. You're stranded in this sad and lonely place called Barovia. To mix metaphors, we are incarcerated. The fog that surrounds us are the bars of our dungeon, and Baron von Strahd is our jailer.

As far as I can tell, there is only one way out, and that is to kill Devil Strahd. Hector, the wraith drifts towards you. Oh, fuck. Adam. Hector, you take one hundred and seventy-five points of damage. And you need to make four constitution

saving throws, or your hit points are reduced by that amount permanently. What the fuck? Okay, so... Okay, so a puzzle. This is a puzzle, yes. As the hands lock around your throat, as you're...

Obviously, your conscious mind is not aware of 175 points of damage. That entity... Uh-huh. I'm here, buddy! Okay, so I'm just trying to math this. 175.

Guess how much I'm currently on. Like 30-something? 20. My max hit point is 60-something at this moment in time. So I have, if you were, damage would reduce you to zero, you fall to and that will remind me, Adam, in fifth end, how does it work?

When damage is this much, like, I understand, like, oh, yeah, you get to a certain point and you go to death saving throws. What? So this would outright kill you. Okay. You would straight up just die. Okay. So if I was to ignore damage from one attack... That would have been one of these four attacks.

One of the four. They all hit you. Oh, I forgot that one of them is a critical hit. Could you use this? Do you want to make the critical hit miss? I don't know if that will help. Oh, I see what you're saying. If damage reduces to 0 HP,

you fall to 1 HP instead. Put that instead of... We can calculate the individual damages. So do you want the first one? I'm very curious. Yeah? If I died within the last minute, I can return to life with one hit point. Okay, that's pretty useful.

But then if I lose 173 hit points as a maximum, is that just ravaging my corpse? I would say, well, a lot of things are going to happen to your corpse, buddy. Because this guy is going to make... Oh, God. All right. Okay, okay, okay. That entity, what did it say?

The entity just before 175 points of damage are done to you, the entity steps in. And you, Hector, imagine time stops. And you're watching your corpse fall to the ground. You are aware this is your immediate future. You are your spirit right now. Time stops. You watch.

You are dead. You're dead on the floor you are in the ethereal plane the ghosts of an a myriad number of adventurers are all standing around you you immediately begin feeling a deep welling sorrow that's spreading out through you a hopelessness that cannot be stopped is becoming your being. You're not going to be a soul. You're going to be the concept of hopelessness. You are trapped here. This is what happens to all adventurers who come to Barovia. That is what you will be.

As the sorrow spreads through you, hey, buddy. So the time came. I just nod. Yes. Okay. I could obviously get a much better deal out of you. But you know what? I assumed he was.

No. I assumed I was doing it. You know what? I like you. I'm going to do this, and I'm only going gonna ask for one teeny tiny little itty bitty thing. What is it? I want you

to accept my help one more time before you leave Barovia. Make that deal. You don't have to, you get to pick when you accept the help, that's fine. You just have to accept my help one more time. Nice. I will, uh,

accept your help one more time. Nice. I will accept your help one more time. What do I call you? You can call me friend. I put out my hand and I shake it. He shakes your hand. Hector's going to get a reputation. Hector, you're standing in your body again. You have 20 hit points. The wraith is thrown away from you.

Oh, fuck. Okay. Okay. All right. It's your turn. Okay. So. Oh, wait.

Does it have anything to do with a bone? No. No. Actually, the wraith is blown away from you. It's stunned. It loses its turn. Okay. Okay.

Not that a wraith can normally be stunned, but this entity has given you a reprieve. Yeah. Okay. Can I now use my divine uh... I'm gonna use... So rude the entity didn't bless your holy water. It just

kept you alive a little longer. No, that's what's happening. Sorry, I wasn't clear about this. The wraith cannot be in your little campsite anymore. Whoa. Okay. Okay. Right.

Turned undead. They just... They can't attack. They just have to run away. Is that right? Yeah, they just flee. Oh, they're just frightened. I don't even think they have to run away.

I think they just have the frightened condition, which means they can't willingly move closer to you. Okay, cool. But they can move away, and they closer to you. Okay, cool. But they can move away, and they attack with disadvantage. Okay, cool. Well, I am going to just... Thank you, friend. And then I'm going to cast

Channel Divinity. See what happens. Alright, the wraith is at the edge of the camp, so you can move to the edge and attack it if you want. Oh, are you... Wait, what are you channeling? Oh, sorry, you're turning undead. Right.

I think I know enough to know that even if it can't get into... Yeah, if it can get close. It passes its saving throw so nothing happens. Is it just edge of the camp, me, it, and just staring at each other? Yeah, pretty much.

Okay. Cool beans. Is it just edge of the camp, me, it, and just staring at each other? Yeah, pretty much. Okay. Okay. Okay. Cool beans. Okay. All right. I guess that we just do that. It passes its saving throw.

Nothing happens. Okay. We just stare at each other. Holding your holy symbol, you try to, yeah, throw holy energy out at it. Once again, you probably, you know, oh, are you asking for pennies? Yeah. Oh, if you ask for Penny specifically, the holy symbol flares

but like what Pip saw before, the light from the flaring on your holy symbol scatters around the wraith, but it's like the light is afraid to touch the wraith. And that's it. Also, something occurs to you very quickly, Hector.

Now that you have just accepted that dark entity's powers you realize that when you went into the amber temple it was the beginning or sorry it was like morning you came out and it was night time you've lost hours Lost hours. You were in the Amber Temple for like eight hours and you didn't even realize. It didn't feel like eight hours. Only eight hours. I mean, what happened? Yeah.

Only eight hours. It's nice. It's not like, you know, three weeks. That's true. We went and saw the... Unless it was. All you know is you went in during the morning and you came out at night. Time has passed crazily. Pip, it's your turn.

I keep running. Okay. You run north? Yep. I want to follow that trail of guts. Hey, follow those guts. You can have a skip in your step. Oh, yeah.

I'll use this. I'll skip my step. I'll get five extra feet of movement. All right. You sprint. You get to the entrance, too. So if the monastery, the place that you were in before,

is on your left-hand side, you can see that there is a second crumbled building here. This building looks like it serves mostly a... There's a lone solitary tower, which there was once a lone solitary tower. But if the tower was once six stories tall, it is currently two stories tall.

Okay, yeah, cool. The rest of it is just crumbled away. You can make, yeah, maybe even in as dark and as windswept as this is, down below on the side of Mount Gakas, you can see the remains, the top part of this tower, just a silhouette in the darkness. All right, you can see the remains, the top part of this tower, just a silhouette in the darkness. Alright, you sprint

into that building, but you only kind of just get in this turn. All good. You can see nothing immediately. The space is so large that it just disappears into darkness. Alright, that was Pip, Esme, it's the Wraith. Alright, so.

What's my favorite flavor of pizza shapes? Adam's got to be an original. Right? No. Just basic barbecue. No. He's not chicken crimpy. I'm chicken crimpy.

If anyone's chicken crimpy, it's me. Yeah, you are a chicken crimpy boy, but am I a chicken crimpy boy? I don't think he's barbecue. Is it pizza? It could be pizza. Is shapes, is that, do people know that? Yeah. It's shapes.

It's a cracker. There's pizza, there's barbecue, there's chicken crimpy. They got, there's. Are we doing new shit? Like new ones that are coming out? Like the bacon ones? Yeah. Fuck.

Any flavor that's ever been. Oh my God, Adam. Can't be barbecue. I think he's a barbecue man. I can't be barbecue. Well, it's your life on the line. No, it's not. I can run to you, idiot.

No, yeah, he can't get to him. So this check is to see if the rates change his targets. Okay. I think it's either barbecue or pizza. I want to go pizza. All right, let's do it. Yeah, go pizza. Pizza?

You pick a pizza? All right. The answer is pizza or cheese and bacon. Yes. For you. Either would have been acceptable. Fantastic. Oh, dude.

That's stressful. All right. The wraith casts a look around, and then, Hector, it retreats into the darkness. Okay. It doesn't look like it's chasing anyone. It just leaves. Okay. That's good. That's what we want. Well, it's what I the darkness. Okay. It doesn't look like it's chasing anyone. It just leaves. Okay. That's good.

That's what we want. Well, that's what I want. All right. Well. I'm going to say we're out of initiative. Hector, you can move out of the safety of the campsite if you want. I'll just call out to, if I can hear over the thing. It's safe in the camp.

I will make you make a constitution. I feel like we're going to struggle to hear that over the wind. Do you have anything for a con check? No, because I'll just keep calling. Okay, all right. Well, your first call, you probably... I choke on my own words. Safe to come.

You saw yourself die. You died. You were dead. Fuck, man. You were dead. You took 175 points of dead. Fuck, man. You were dead. You took 175 points of damage. First attempt, I go to call out. It's safe.

And I just stare into nothingness instead. And then at another point, I will then call out. It is safe. Yeah. Well, in the time. I feel I'm not going to get out of that circle. No. No.

That would be immensely stupid. I wouldn't. Very. All right. Pip, you are free to just keep running through. This place was once some sort of rally point. You can see long destroyed, rusted away and destroyed by the moisture from the snow. You can see that there was a place

where one would armor up for an encounter. And you can see that there is quite obviously a silver dragon motif here. You can see that the walls have carved in them silver dragons. No, sorry, one silver dragon, the same one constantly again and again and again. Interesting. And you see that there are a scattering, just a handful of corpses here.

All of them are wearing heavy armors with, well, no, actually that would all have been rotted away. Maybe once the armors contained furs, but you can no longer see that. All of these ancient knights, their armor is emblazoned with that silver dragon, but no longer. This building is not the same as the monastery. It looks like it's a later edition? Yeah, this is a later edition. Maybe designed for armoring up and going into the Amber Temple? Possibly, yeah.

Yeah, okay, cool. Other than training my crossbow on the corpses, just in case, I rush through. The last room in this muster area looks like you realize, oh, no, not exploring the Amber Temple, keeping the Wraith at bay. Ah, okay.

The last room is almost like a vault set up to seal something away in the tower, presumably the Wraith. Right. You can see that there is a giant, once beautifully silver vault door, which has now fallen aside and is tarnished and dilapidated and broken. You can see there is a lot of silver Dragon Knight corpses here. It looks like a really bad, furious battle happened here once long ago.

Yeah, cool. As you're moving through, you get a sensation, and I assume you're running. Yes, absolutely. As you run through, whenever you're not looking at them, you get a sense that these corpses are tracking you, are following you. Oh, that's no good. Something,

no, no, it doesn't feel ominous. It feels like the eyes of a thousand knights are upon you and urging you forward. Okay, cool. A lot of pressure. You leap over the last of the corpses and you're in what was once sealed away by that silver vault door. It is the ruins of the tower. This tower is, once again, it swaps. It swaps

from Silver Dragon to back to the original monastery. You can see that the tower once went up and down but both the top part has been sheared away, the bottom part has been caved in. There is just a single skeletal clawed

hand out of the bottom. You can see through where that hand is there is a hole to the negative energy plane fuck through that hole that a lot i mean a lot of people were buried alive down here these people a combination of a million different things they were corrupted already by the presence within the amber temple They were in the middle of some fel activity, and there were so many of them screaming out in agony and destructive evil all at once that their deaths tore a hole in the very reality of the realms.

Okay. That is the hole you need to plug. All right, awesome. It boggles your mind. The hole is so small that you couldn't fit a football through it. You could fit maybe a tennis ball through it. Alright. It is so bizarre that something so small

could cause something so awful. Right, right, okay. What now, dragon man? Alright, Hector, you call out again. Mhm. Alright, this time you're a bit louder, a bit more insistent, and you hear Esme calling back to you. Coming! Coming!

She leaps over where Van Richten escaped from, that slightly lower-than-chest-high wall. She lands in the campsite, and she says, Where is Van Richten? He has not returned yet. She turns around and immediately leaps back the way she came. Okay. What do you do?

I follow. Alright. I try to find the old man. I can't cower in a safety fireplace. How many

Halo fan fictions have I written? I want to say... I am talking. So some of them are either part of a larger project and some of them are like episodic, like I would write it chapter by chapter. Anything I'm writing chapter by chapter, I count as one

single storyline. And anything that's part of a larger project, I count as one. Can I say, instead of giving you an exact number, something like less than 15, like around 15, or 15 to 30. I'll allow that.

I want to say 15 to 30. 15 to 30? Alright. Okay. Maybe actually 20 to 30. 20 to 30. I'll allow that. I want to say 15 to 30. 15 to 30? All right. Yeah. Okay. Maybe actually 20 to 30. 20 to 30? Okay. Okay. I want to say six.

Six. Six? Interesting. That's a very specifically six. Yeah. You can be like around six if you want. I'll be around six. I'll call that.

I'll pay out six. The answer is eight. Whoa. Closest number wins. Fair enough. I know how it works. Oh, shit. It should be closest number wins.

Yeah. Pip, something's coming. Oh, fuck. I didn't think. Fuck. Okay. Oh, shit. You can see that cord.

It's coming back. It's reeling in. Yeah, it's reeling in. How are you going to plug this hole? You are trapped. There was one path. Okay. Now, there's no time to experiment.

I am going to assume that this hole could not be plugged up by a pair of socks or something. No. You feel like if a pair of socks could have plugged this up, the dragon would have done that. So now it's going to be an evil pair of socks. Yeah. Who knows what they'll do. This hole is metaphysical,

if you will. Sure, sure, sure. Okay, so I'm looking at the hole and I'm thinking back to Emmanuel and I'm thinking genuine sacrifice. Oh, no. I like pull down my my tablet or whatever. I tear off my little

whole Gregory Bones holy symbol, little grinning skeleton. I'd like to like look at it as I can hear of the guts coming in and be like, you owe me.

And then I'd like to shove it in the hole. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details.

We got you. Rogers. You, this is an actual prayer? This is an act of sacrifice. It's a prayer. I'm reaching out to somebody who I do not like at all. And it's also a sacrifice of something I've held on to for a long time. All right.

I would, the only thing I would say in the back of your head, just a little memory sparks. The way that you need to sign off every prayer to Gregory Bones, what's the magic word? Please snap! The whole snap around your wrist. Oh, around my wrist? Yeah, you're gonna make a dexterity saving throw.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, I don't know what an R could be. You got it. We have a reroll. That's a nat 20. Oh, thank God. You're fine. Oh, thank God.

You're lucky. Your hand retracts right as it snaps closed. It's like you're lucky. You lose your hand. Could have been worse. I would say that the- The holy symbol? Yeah, the holy symbol remains on the other side.

It snaps closed around the chain, severing it clean. Okay. I'll pick up the chain. I'll still keep the chain. Sure, okay. Put it in my pocket. Is the guts rope? When the guts rope is severed,

or yeah, when it's cut, it disappears. It's gone. The connection is severed. The wraith is gone. Okay. I can't hear it anymore at all or anything like that. Okay, cautiously, I'll creep out of the tower and just see. You step back to where the vault door is,

and you can see all of every single one of those silver knight corpses are standing to attention. It's fine. Stand down. They don't do anything. They're just standing there. Okay. You're still standing there. Okay. You're still standing basically where the door is, where that vault door is. Oh, they're like on either side? Yeah, they make like a path for you to walk down.

Rubbing my snout, I'll walk through them. One by one, they each draw their swords and they raise them high as like an honor to you. It's not necessary. It's not necessary. It's not necessary. And I'll walk out into the snow. They remain where they are. You really are a hero. I don't think that's true.

I'm just doing what needs to be done. Can I see my friends? Have they been killed? You wander back to the campsite and actually, no, you'd bump into Esmeralda and hector finding van richten did not get far he stopped by where the that statue is and you could see he slumped at the bottom be a good boy help me up of course let's get you away from that statue, old man. You pick him up. He's like bones with skin wrapped around it. He feels so frail.

Yeah, pick him up, and I'm trying to double time back to our camp. Where did you go? It's fine. The wraith's taken care of. What? Maybe I'll open a manual, flip through to that page, and then flip it around to show Hector. Sure.

It's connected to a plane of negative energy. I thought if I drank a specific potion, I could see it, trace it back, and I could. And it's gone now. Wow. You're very good at this, aren't you? I had a good teacher. Damn straight you did. Yeah.

Let's get everybody at rest that we were robbed of. Esmeralda, as you're sitting back down around the fire, she doesn't say anything, but she gives you a sidewards glance, Pip, and you can see she's impressed. Has she still got gold eyes? Yeah. Okay.

I give it like that. They're not gold. They're yellow. Yeah. Kind of like sulfurous yellow. Yeah. Gold is kind of a nice color. It's almost good. It could like sulfurous yellow. Yeah, yeah. Gold is kind of a nice color. It's almost good.

It could be good. I think, oh, no, wait. Hector, I don't think you have golden eyes, but some Azomar do. Yeah, white. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some Azomar do have golden eyes. It's a, yeah, that would be pleasant.

Or it could almost be pleasant. It could be a good thing, yeah. No, this is not that. It's probably worthwhile that we still take watches, even though the wraith's gone. We're in a bad place. Of course. I'll continue the watch. Alright. Everyone get

their rest and see you in the morning. Finish out the watch? As I fall asleep, I'd like to just be playing with the gold chain that I have left over. Maybe can I, I mean I don't know if there's something I could do. I might need to get to, like, a metal worker or something. But could I turn it into, like, a little bracelet? What remains of

the chain? Uh, yeah, I would say you could, yeah. Just kind of, like, maybe with a bit of string or something. Sure, yeah. Yeah, if you use a bit of string, you can do it straight away. Yeah, yeah. Cool, cool. I'll do that. Alright, it is the NPCs' turn. Their watches go by uneventfully. Oh, and then...

What's up, dude? The next morning, you notice a pretty bad problem. The storm got so much worse overnight, it is blizzard conditions. Whiteout blizzard conditions. You would not... The person at the bridge

won't be able to see you. Oh, no. Can. Fuck. No, something else is happening. Oh, okay. It's been so long. Before that, something else happens.

Maybe something good happens. Okay. We have a beautiful quick siesta, so we gain the benefit of a long rest during a short rest. Is that party-wide, Adam? I'd allow that, yeah. Everyone in your little immediate group, sure. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Considering I'm exhausted. Yeah. No spells and 20 health. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's just spend that badly. We cash it in, Adam. Okay.

The most valuable card in the game. Yeah. Check it back in the deck. Done. Say goodbye. Everyone say goodbye. Goodbye. Maybe we'll be lucky.

We're day two. This is day two. Oh, fuck. I didn't. Maybe we'll be lucky. We're day two. This is day two. Oh, fuck. I didn't. That's fucked up. How's this day two? That's so unfair, dude. That's going to reset the...

So it's not going to be five days to a long rest. It's seven days to a long rest. Oh. No, you know what? No, that is unfair. No, no. You know what? No, that's not the wording on the card.

Actually, I immediately changed my mind. That would be so fucked up. That's not the wording on the card. I immediately changed my mind. Yes. Five days until the next wrong rest, but you get a long rest this rest. Yes. Okay.

Thank God. Thank you, Adam. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to scare you like that. That's okay. It's all right. You know what, Adam? Thank you.

Thank you, Adam. We appreciate it You're welcome Okay All my spells are out Nice Iona pants heavily

and Iris whimpers at her feet Across the room two wizards launch mental attack after mental attack at Iona She is just

barely able to fend them off. So great is her concentration that she isn't even able to call for Pyrrhon's assistance. She doesn't even know where he is right now. With a flick of her wrist, Iona launches a ball of flames at one of the wizards. The sudden physical attack causes him to slip.

The ball of flames hasn't even hit him before Iona turns her head slightly to the side and the wizard's head rockets so forcefully to match that his neck snaps. With one down, the second wizard is easily dispatched. Pirin! Iona calls out, picking Iris back up into her arms. Iris begins to murmur something.

But before Iona can process what she sees, she gets to the stairs. And the stairs change everything. God and staff alike lie dead. Slit throats, punctured lungs, ruptured spines, all a testament to Piran's silent but bloody work as he makes his way, as he's made his way upstairs.

Following the gruesome display, Iona makes her way up after him, horror welling up at each fresh corpse, their eyes glassy, all expressions of shock. Over the course of two flights, Iona's emotions turn to rage, fury at guilty and innocent alike dead to preserve silence. So loud is the blood now furiously pounding in her ears that Iona barely notices

at the final steps where it levels out and she is now on the upper floor. Iona scans for signs of Pyrrhon. Fury in her veins. A slain chambermaid lies in the doorway to a study. Pyrrhon, you monster. Iona is cut short as someone grabs her and she is dragged into a linen cupboard.

Shut up. A shape glides out of the study and Iona's deep green eyes widen. Iris's muttered rhyme finally reaches her ears. She lurks in shadows under the bed with gnarled fingers and a crooked head. So hush now, don't let her hear for the hag comes close,

drawing near. Meanwhile, meanwhile, the four of you now, now that you have Van Richten with you, drawing near. Meanwhile, meanwhile, the four of you now, now that you have Van Richten with you, really wasn't expecting you to allow this, but hey, here we are. I really should have stopped it. I regret it with every fiber of my being.

Yeah, you really should have done anything. I really, really should have. Once again, inactivity has fucked Pips Bandarin. I never, ever want to tell someone, I don't want to give people, I don't want to give people the answer. I want them to learn how to do the thing as opposed to me just doing the thing for them. You know, teach a man fishing. Somebody gets a bunch of fish.

I forget how the story goes. But if I gave that man that fish, you know, he'd just eat that fish. It's not really, the consequences here are not really as consequential as eat for a day or don't eat for a day, I think is the problem. It's not a perfect philosophy. It's like a macrocosm

if you look at it. Sure, a macrocosm. It's kind of almost a philosophy. Yeah, that's kind of what I'm saying. The consequences are big, yes. kind of what I'm saying The consequences are big Yes, that's what I'm saying Yeah It's disappointing That you're giving someone

The information And you gave them the options here And they didn't listen They weren't approving As Geraldo making a deal with a dark entity while you in the background shake your head, I am disappointed. I disapprove.

Well, in a way, yeah, Hector will remember this. Yeah, exactly. Works both ways, actually. Sure. Yeah. There was a lot of people remembering things in the dungeon there. The blizzard, it's like all in comp. We can't see. The visibility is fucked. Yeah, like Iizzard, it's like all in comp. Like, we can't see.

The visibility is fucked. Yeah, like I said, it's white-out conditions. Do we, are we, well, I guess, like, is it worse than when we're coming up the mountains? Are we going to freeze to death if we step outside into the cold? You will need, yeah, you will need to cover up any bare piece of skin. You, I mean, I'm guessing you just don't have snow goggles. Not really.

You might go blind. Okay. With the howling wind, and I guess we're in this little lean-to type thing, would it be, as I loathe to suggest this, because there's so much to get done, but should we just wait until the snow clears? The biggest threat is gone from here, standing here. Esmeralda looks at the basically no wood you have left and says i do not believe we have the the supplies to stay

well look it's not going to take that it's not going to be too hard for us to check on the bridge at least if the bridge is down maybe we can make a run for it and get lower in the mountain where it'll be marginally warmer. Sure. Maybe I'll take some extra furs moving away from the fire and cover up myself as much as I can and then sort of squinting my eyes to try and protect myself from the wind and the blinding snow,

I'll stomp over to look at the bridge. Are you staying by the fire or heck? What were you suggesting? Are we all coming with you or are we... I think Pip's suggesting I'll go check and then I can come back and tell you if it's safe rather than all of us heading out into the blizzard and maybe being lost forever.

Did you need a body cyst? I don't know, like a rope or something? Could he, could you, how bad is this? Could he feasibly find his way back or is he going to get lost potentially? I mean, there's not a lot of, there's, yeah, it's not, there's not a lot of like space for him to get lost. Yeah. I think I'd be able to pick my way back. Yeah.

If he takes a couple steps in the wrong direction, it's not gonna be dire, because he'll bump into something that he knows what is. I just have to hope that I don't fall off the mountain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'll, uh... Well, yeah, you're like, I'll go check but I'll stay. Get a good boy card.

Yes! You navigate your way perfectly down the bridge. Not, sorry, not down the bridge, sorry. I mean, down the perfectly down the bridge. Not down the bridge, sorry. Down the steps to the bridge. The steps are frozen, slick. It's a treacherous passage now. But you get to where the bridge should be. It isn't here.

It's not down. And you can't see far enough to see what's going on the other side. And yelling. He's not going to hit me. Well, he's probably just not there. Yeah, he will. Okay. I'll turn around and scrabble my way back.

You turn around and you are face to face with Exothander. Oh, God. He pushes you off the ledge. What? What? What? What? All right, Pip. You stumble backwards.

Oh, my God. Get another good boy card. Oh, fuck, dude. You manage to, as you're stumbling backwards, you manage to fall and catch yourself. Yeah. You're not on the ledge. You're just maybe less than a foot away from the ledge, but you're on a bit of rocky outcropping.

Exathander looks down at you. This motherfucker. This motherfucker said I was going to be a stain, and then he's trying to make it happen. We should just destroy his phylactery or whatever. He looks down at you, Pip, and he says, If books could be judged by their covers, you'd be a bestseller. And then he leaves. What the fuck?

What the fuck is this guy? What? This piece of shit. This guy. What the hell? We might need to tie him up or something. He's got some madness. I nearly fell off the fucking mount.

That's so scary. How are you going to come face to face with a lich? And the way he kills you is just pushing you up about it. It's pretty funny. No spells. No magic. I just, he pushed me on some slippery ice and I'm gone.

That is pretty funny. Alright, you try to climb your way back up. Yep, yes I do. Okay, yeah, you with one notable exception you're rolling really well. So you climb back up onto the ledge. No harm done.

Apart from the brief moment where your heart leapt into your throat. This is how pit murdering comes to an end no harm then just attempted murder yeah exactly just attempted murder

for any bit attempted murder between friends stop complaining that lich we maybe just should have it's a lich you get back

to the campsite without any hassle without any other hassle obviously I've got a dragonborn's face so expressions are probably hard to tell but I imagine

I look a little frazzled is everything okay? The fucking Exothander guy, I saw him last night, I thought he was just wandering. He pushed me. He fucking pushed me off the edge. I mean, I caught myself, thank God. I told you, that damn lich,

he, Van Richten slams his cane again. He's no good. He was, like, Strahd's consort, so we probably should have figured that out. Say that, don't say that. I mean, whatever. I nearly died, Hector. Cut me some slack.

Cut the man some slack. I put my hand on your shoulder. Are you okay? Do you need anything? Van Richten, do you want to make a cup of tea while we... It's fine. Of course. No, I already had a pot brewing.

Thank you, Van Richten. You're a godsend. A morning tea. A delightful morning tea. That'll fix you right up. Godsend. Absolute godsend this one. Some bad news. The bridge is not up. It's not there. Why not? Why not?

Oh, God. I don't know, Van Richten. The guard was not on the other. No, I'm assuming that it's too dangerous to try and come up in the blizzard. How far was the crossing? It's like 60 feet, yeah? 50 feet. 50 feet.

I can, I mean. You could fly across. I can fly across and. Activate the bridge from there. I mean, if it's there to freeze to death here, I mean, yeah. Yeah, it's not really much of a choice, I suppose, is it? Yeah, it's probably the quickest and easiest way to go. Yeah.

So is this an entire group goes down? I think so, yeah. All right. So I need one person to lead the way. After the tea, though. Yeah, of course. You have a cup of tea. Yes, thanks. It's a delicious... It's what calms his nerves. After the tea. Yeah, of course. You have a cup of tea. It's a delicious lavender and honey tea.

With a little bit of, I don't know, what would add caffeine? Ognod honey or Barovia honey? Ognod honey. Barovia honey is thought. We know, dude. Barovia honey's scary. Actually, I would say, you know what? It's Barovia honey, but Van Richten has this whole alchemical, this little device that drips the actual honey and leaves the meat behind.

Gross. So it's Barovian honey, but he's made it sweet. Nice. Good, good. Finally, a little bit of sweetness in this one. It's, yeah, Barovian honey, but he's made it sweet. Nice. Good, good. Finally, a little bit of sweetness in this one. It's, yeah, it's worth its weight in gold. He probably soaks it in some flavourless tea leaves that just give it a caffeine kick for the morning part. A drink.

Yeah. How far away is the bridge? The bridge? It'd be about 120 feet away. Oh, as the crow flies, it's be about 120 feet away. Oh, as the crow flies, it's like maybe 30 feet. Right. So I was like, oh, it really is.

I could just fly now. Oh, yeah. Blizzarding. Yes. Oh, yeah. You're going to have to make a check to fight against the blizzard. Yeah. Okay. Who's leading the way?

Peepy? Yeah, I'll lead the way. That's okay. I can follow. Well, I was going to say I can follow my footprints but I'm assuming they've been blown away they immediately

yeah actually there's very little snow cover because what'll happen is the snow will land but then it'll immediately be blown away so it's kind of just

an icy floor okay we'll just snow really only the only thing that snow tends to stick to is warm things like you are yeah

so you become wet I imagine I've got icicles dripping off my snout that kind of thing you with ease navigate your way back down to the bridge

but everyone's going to need to make a check uh oh bad boy card all of us pushed off by Exotherm it would be really good I think if we just

tie each other up with this one rope also make sure we tie it to the big golem. Hey, let's just say they can tie it. Oh, no. Well, I quickly need to roll for the other two.

All right, everyone. All right, so I've got two pieces of bad news. One really sucks. Yeah. One just kind of sucks. Go on. Go on. Actually, no, they kind of.

No, no, no, no. Yeah, there's one. One's worse than the other. What do you want first? Give us the best worst news first. The best worst news. All right. So this is the best worst news.

Okay. Hector. Yes. You slip and fall to your death. Okay. Okay. That's easy. Come again?

He can fly. Okay. Okay. All right. That was an easy fix. The bad boy card I drew, I'm going to play it immediately. False idol. The players must pick one object in a room they currently occupy to become a mimic.

I'm going to say that's your immediate area. So one of the objects on this very thin series of steps down to the bridge is a mimic. What are the objects? What's around? There's the flagstones. Okay. There's just pieces of rock. Okay.

There is the corpses and what they were wearing of several adventurers or people who were Well, let's go with suit of armor then, because that's cool. Okay. Hell yeah. It's like Van Richten's other cane he's currently holding where did I get two canes now

let's make this a little bit of a challenge it wasn't gonna be already fighting on the slippery ice damn it fucking I'm falling I'm currently falling well we're going to initiative

god damn it dude and then a guy's suit of armor comes to life yeah awesome so the fun thing is yeah God damn it, dude. And then a guy's suit of armor comes to life. Yeah, awesome. So the fun thing is the radiant soul that gives me the ability to fly has a limited time. Girl, how long does it last? I want to say maybe a minute.

Okay. I believe you're correct. That's quite a few rounds. A minute. So I need to basically. You kind of can't be here for this fight. Yeah. I've got to race over, hit whatever the thing is.

Yeah. Pull the lever and then fling back. And then fling back. I'm really scared that you're just going to get buffeted down the... Yeah. I mean, your wings are magic. They're like ethereal angel wings. So maybe they're...

All right. Heck, you're first. Yeah. Heck, you are not aware of the mimic. Uh-huh, I'm just falling. You merely, yeah, you take a step. One of the flagstones, it's just ice. And then you fall off the edge, and you are falling.

Really, couldn't have happened to the... Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Nicer guy. You travel 30 feet before... I realize. Yeah, because you're surprised guy. You travel 30 feet before you... I realize. Yeah, because you're surprised. So you travel 30 feet before you're able to... Like a cat, it takes me 30 feet to realize where I am.

Wait a second. Hang on, I've got to orientate myself. Well, I guess, well, yes, I'll cast Radiant Soul. Yeah, but before that, we need to check to see if there was something close enough for you to hit. I don't... So... Buddy! Buddy. Now, this one.

Did I arrive today wearing a hat? I came in late. I don't know. It's all you, buddy. I wasn't in the studio. I, you. You were. I did not doff or don a hat

in between entering the building and seeing you for the first time okay okay okay you were I was okay thank god

thank god I just thought that was a really funny one and also if you cast your gaze I have a clue on the couch

which is the hat you cast your gaze butt to my side poor dude alright you don't hit anything on the way down poor what's good to see but you fall You cast your gaze butt to my side. Poor dude. All right, you don't hit anything on the way down. That's good to see. But you fall, yeah, you fall 30 feet,

and then your wings manifest. All right, I'll, yes, manifest those wings, catch my breath, try to, we were on the way to the bridge, and I guess I will make a beeline to that bridge, and I will call out, don't worry, I've got it. Do we hear? No one hears that. Yeah, that's a cursory.

That's for me. You just see Hek fall into the snow. Oh, fuck. But he has wings, right? All right, we'll get back to you, Hector. I would have flown either. Does it take an action to use that ability? I'm pretty sure it's a bonus action, isn't it?

It's an action to use it. All right. So I can move 30 feet up. Oh, there it is. If you're making a beeline, I'm assuming you're going. Wouldn't I get better? Would I get more vision if I go up as opposed to kind of. Yeah.

I guess going up on a diagonal Yeah, is what I'm thinking We probably don't see you but we might Is the blizzard too bad that we can't see? No, you wouldn't be able to see him I'm assuming you're moving on a diagonal Yeah, yeah, yeah

That's your turn, Hek Now that happens kind of separately of what's happening with you a lot Pip, you spinning around are obviously heck uh now that happens kind of separately of what's happening with you a lot okay pip you spinning around are obviously you're surprised when you see heck fall into the into the snow oh far rushing over you place one hand oh no you place one hand on a suit of armor being worn by a skeleton and at first you think you're about to fight an undead as the armor begins shifting, but then

throwing out little tendrils to keep itself secured in place, the mimic launches itself at you. Yuck. You realize the skeleton was not wearing the armor, the armor had consumed the skeleton. Oh no. It gets a surprise round.

Fuck. It's not even a Darkplace creature, a mimic. Nope. It doesn't appear in my... I get a copy of Emmanuel the Monster Things That Are Other Things edition. And what's your armor class? An Idiot's Guide to Mimics. Two hits.

Two hits? Oh fuck. You take... Oh no, sorry. Three. Three hits. Two hits? Oh, fuck. You take... Oh, no, sorry. Three. Three hits. Come on.

I was doing a joke. Thunk, thunk. It sends two tendrils out at you, two pseudopods out at you. Both of them hit you like a sledgehammer. Fuck. From the two combined impacts, you take 12 points of damage. Okay. So you're on 10 hit points.

Okay. No, we had a full rest. We had a full rest, actually. That's right. You did too. That's right. Okay. So you're on 64.

Okay. That's pretty good. Okay. Okay. Then the jaws lock around you. Fuck. Okay. God damn it. A mimic? Of all the things. Of you. Okay. God damn it.

A mimic? Of all the things. Of all the things! Pushed off by a little bit. Pushed off by a little bit. And by a goddamn mimic. Ever since resurrecting Van Richten, nothing has gone right for Pim. Hi, it's Fido. We'll see you next time. pocket for the stuff you love. Select plans even include data overage protection so you can go all out without going over. Don't wait. Our back to school offers are only available for a limited

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