D&D is For Nerds - Vampire Infested Barovia III #9 A Quick Lesson in Blood

Episode Date: April 6, 2024

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Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands. Friday.

You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Although you see no water for miles around, we are nevertheless marooned, trapped in this nightmare of my homelands, a place called Barovia. While my people may come and go as we please,

for you these mists are as voles and the vampire Strahd Von Zarovich, your warden. But fear not, for Strahd's heart may no longer beat, but it is still a good place to stab him. Has Iris, as like, what I think it is of purview of like, to be like, to comfort them, to be like, all right, we're going to go away and we're going to try and help you out and we're going to try and do this.

But in case it doesn't happen, we're, you know, having this thing here and then like basically, in case of emergency, break glass. And this is the glass to break. Iris gives a little. Iona, you're taking her to. There are places around the town where one can be somewhat private. I think a garden with a little pond and some ducks would be nice. Enjoy the pond.

Enjoy the ducks. We'll see you in a couple of days. Iona nods slowly And she's about to say something She doesn't say it And both of you need to make an insight check Frankly I'm good at them You're great at them

I just heard that You both suck shit Yeah we do That sucks dude That stinks Either of you have anything you'd like to spend on an insight check? I do not think so Alas no Okay well that's fine i can

yeah no pip you get this better than hector does yeah you can see um iona well yeah hector you just don't even see that she was gonna say something else you she just seem for you seamlessly she nods yeah but pip you can tell she was going to say something else. She had a brief moment where there's uncertainty on her face, and then she banishes that and just gives you a firm nod like she's confident you're coming back. I think that to me, I'm like, fair enough. That everybody's uncertain at all times. Nothing's locked in stone, of course.

Both from previous conversations and also, Pip, you might know a little bit about iona just from the brief moment brief time that you've known her i mean she's already said that this is like her 15th uprising yeah you will not be the first people she's seen die yeah yeah lost to the amber temple yeah i'm sure that happens all the time well when they are out of your shot and when they are gone two of you and Esme. Yeah. I have a question, I guess, for the both of you. The hag's affliction,

it doesn't stop at the arms. No, it will continue until she is all monster. I just thought it was a surgical thing or something. No, I mean, you know, that's the thing about what we do. I mean, it's that marriage of alchemy and

science and magic. So no, it'll probably progress, but at what rate you can say. I would like to remind you that Van Richten gives this little girl... You see that she... Didn't like saying little girl. Yeah, she didn't like saying little girl. Van Richten

will give this little girl the best chance possible, but They steal your chance. Yes. Well, hopefully your blood, however much, will at the very least... Oh, that's right. We're going to take your blood. Esmeralda, they Pyrrhon, Iona, Iris

leave. You stay at the cabin for a little bit longer. Esmeralda has lost all of her equipment. So they have to make do with what's around the house and what Pip has, which is fuck all. Iona constructs a very basic

out of a sharp implement. Actually, fuck yeah. Like an arrow head? She's literally just going to bleed you. No, she needs a needle. She's literally just going to bleed you. No, she needs a needle. She's literally just going to bleed you. Okay. I guess we can have this conversation while I'm being bled.

You watch as Esmeralda spends a lot, and I mean a lot of time, with soap and a brush, cleaning the fuck out of a barrel. Okay. I'm like, a barrel? That is not a vialial i do not have any of my vials so it's how much blood oh actually there would be i've got vials i could oh yeah i could pour

out something all right pour one out for the homie pour out one of one of my potions it's got you know something in it and then i hand over you hand over you you probably need a bunch so you pour out a bunch of whatever oh you don't need. You would just have vials because you can make more potions, so it's fine. Maybe you need to pour out one potion, but then you just hand her a bunch of your empty potion bottles and containers and stuff like that. You nonetheless still watch as she spends a lot of time scrubbing the fuck out of them, trying to get them as clean as possible. So the potion, the vial's there. That's in case one of them breaks and you get them as clean as possible. So the vial, the portion, the vials

there, that's in case one of them breaks and you have to use the other one, because how many? That's a lot of vials. I will need... How many vials do you have there, Esme? Let me quickly Google how many liters in the human body. How many liters of blood

in a human? Nearly five litres. So you're a bit bigger than an average human. So you might have, let's say, five and a half litres of blood. Esmeralda looks you up and down and then she asks, how tall are you?

I'm just shy of, I think it was seven foot. Just shy of. And how much do you weigh? It's been so long. You see she does. Right, well, is there any scales? There would not be scales around.

There would be scales, but weighing scales for cooking. For like flour. Yeah, for cooking food. Nothing that you could be weighing. Whatever I guess. You know what, actually. Heavily built as a mirror. Esmeralda gets the scales out and she says, put your hand in this end.

Okay. Try to make it as loose as possible. The more we can judge the exact weight put your hand in this end try to make it as loose as possible the more we can judge the exact weight of your hand the more accurate the guess I'm about to make is going to be so she weighs you, you get as accurate a guess of your hand as you can

Esmeralda does some mental math she does a lot more mental math I think we can safely take two liters of blood. Okay. I know what a liter is. That's terrifying. Yeah.

Oh, boy. Two liters. Two liters. Okay. I mean, you'll make more. Not that quick. On the bright side, Iris is smaller than you, so the two liters of blood will go a little bit further than if you had been comparable

sizes. Still, I would have preferred at least five. And you'll recall the original ritual required you to lose every drop. I know. I mean, honestly. How many litres are in me? Five, five and a half.

You are having this conversation with two of the worst people to have this conversation with okay needs must I just noticed that this had gone up a little bit shoulder wise I said a week if we're not back in a week to do it but

a week I mean if they can get this blood on ice yeah I can explain to Mathilde what she needs to do to keep the blood safe. They can, if there is one thing this place has, it's cold. Actually, ice, what am I talking about? Leave it outside.

I said a week, but should, I mean, it progressed a little bit up the arm. I mean, is it going to, should we, if we're not back in two days or three days or one day, should they be doing this? Well, I don't know. Or is it something that if we do this, we can't do it with Richten? Like, is this a stopgap?

This would be, well, this would hopefully kill the curse in its tracks. But I don't know if it will. Then Richten would know better. If we say they do this tomorrow or say they do this in two days. The earlier this happens, the better. So they say they do this tomorrow or say they do this in two days. The earlier this happens, the better. So they say they do this today and it is a stopgap and it is just

slowing down. Can Van Richten or will this ruin it for Van Richten? This would not ruin it. No, not for Van Richten. Might be good to do it as soon as possible then. Get the blood out of you and into I mean worst case scenario she into Iona. I mean, worst case scenario, she dies, I suppose. But yeah, if this is improperly performed, she will die.

But as Iona, Esmeralda is very hesitant to admit this. The song is pretty accurate. I feel Iona would know how to do this as well as I would know how to do this. Is there a point of no return with the it spreads if it gets to her neck? If this works, there is no point of no return. Well, apart from her becoming the hype. I think if it gets to her neck or head, that's pretty much toast. Like I said, it's not an exact size.

We don't know how long we will be. And I'm just trying to say if we are back within two days, great. But if we're not back within, like how quickly should they be doing it? I think she has at least two days. I guess tell Iona to do this, I guess, when she feels it is right to do this. Sure. I would say, I mean, like I said, it's not an exact science, but I feel like doing it as quickly as possible.

Even drain the blood now. Do it to her as we leave, you know, today. And then at least she will be no longer progressing, no longer haggifying. And then by the time we get back, you will have, you know, pumped more blood and we can do it again. Well, let's give her the day to enjoy the ducks. All right. That seems nice. All right. That seems nice. All right.

So. Let us. Also, I explain about what's happening in Valachai a little bit and of Keening's plan and if perhaps Esme knows anything that might be able to help them. To your incredible frustration, Esmeralda is very happy to say Father Lemick. So you begin this conversation and you're immediately upset. She never stops herself from saying it.

You always have to stop her from saying it. To your fucking... He's here now. I thought names give them power. Why are you saying... Giving a name gives something power. Once it has the name, whatever. Surely that reinforces, whatever.

I look towards Pip to be like, is this true? And you're all for offense. I'm like, okay, this is... If you could just be so kind as to refrain from saying it around me, I would appreciate it. Very well, very well. Look, maybe it will reinforce maybe it will well i mean if you are looking for information to seal him back up uh the amber temple is at the very least a good starting point

yes that is what um they were saying uh apparently he's the the the birch master of alakai has a ritual and if if keening is planning to stop that to free him I would say that if you wanted to seal an elder evil back away Van Richten is very good at these things Stopgaps Stopgaps

Look I don't know what my mentor's extent of his powers are but he doesn't keep a lot of enemies he just kills them. I would be pretty confident if anyone in Barovia Mentor's extent of his powers are but he doesn't keep a lot of enemies he just kills them I would be pretty confident if anyone in Barovia apart from him himself if anyone knows how to seal

him back away it would be Van Richten or that friend that you made they're kind of in the same ballpark Eileen can I say her name right you would have said no has she heard. Eileen? Can I say her name? Right. You would have said no.

Has she heard about Eileen? How does she know about Eileen? This at the very least, she seems to just know. Oh, weird. How did you know about Eileen? You stink of it. I've fought enough cultists before. Plus there's a thing you do where you become a skeleton when you attack someone. I like just kind of nod.

It's sort of hard to hide. I can see it within you. I didn't realize it had taken that much of a hold. There's a rot in the core of your apple. I see. Well, who amongst us is perfect? Let's find yourself a bit of a temper sometimes. I don't know.

I do not know. All right. Esmeralda says she. All right. That's actually a bit of a temper sometimes? I don't know. I do not know. All right. Esmeralda says she... All right, that's actually a bit more... I said it a bit sassier than Esmeralda says it. She is very dismissive. She's like, all right, whatever. If you...

She doesn't say this part, but it's implied. If you think it's fine, then fine, whatever. It's more of a hectare of, I do not know. I maybe look to Pip. don't have i well i mean you know things have gotten tense and as things get tense uh people become highly strong is that

you or is that ireline who can say i personally wouldn't have opened myself up to shit but we're different people it did not i can't judge you for it did not mean to means an end you know do not worry about that no one ever means to open themselves up to the dark forces they sometimes pretend to be other entities they come to you and they might pretend to be penia um but actually the deal that they make well they are not penny nobody comes to brovery on purpose i'm sure you were tricked into this whatever it happens but penny the gift of i sit and pull out my hands i guess i see i have done some serious damage to him start getting let i guess and then just being like And then just being like, slice a vein. Let the blood drain.

That's funny. Oh, damn. Okay, so Esmeralda, she can't really, as long as she doesn't roll a one, she can't really fail this check. But she does basically as badly as she can do. Is it a dexterity-based check? It's an intelligence-based check. No.

I don't have anything to help her, either. I have some stuff to hurt her. Yeah, if you have anything for an intelligence check... No. I can move an extra five feet if that helps. To get away. So they can... Yeah, unfortunately...

Esmeralda drains you of about half of your blood, but only gets two usable liters. So a bit of blood gets wasted. You have 36 hit points. Oh, fuck. How long does the draining take? Takes, let's say, two hours. Oh, fuck. How long does the draining take? Takes, let's say, two hours. Okay, wow.

It's a lot of time for me and Esme to just be hanging out. Just kind of constantly be... And at a certain point he gets really fucking woozy. A real woozy, just like summoning the spear. I thought that was from Penny. I thought it was the light of Can you make the light?

That's right. Have they ever? Has it always been her? That was from Penny. I thought it was the light of... Yeah, buddy, that's right. I've got a damp cloth on your forehead. Has it ever... Has it always been her? Yeah. Is Penny here? This place will get you. Is there no such...

Did I tell him something he did not know? Yeah, I think so. But when... Oh, buddy. Dark forces love to pretend to be... Remember the angel we saw yeah

he would have been in communication with a god but that's not to say you're not in communication oh yeah no I mean it's possible gods can come here

my day the day the voice in has always been with me they said to to trust in Penny it's okay man

just just angels angels you know of a hunk Penny It's okay man Just Angels Angels You know of A hunk I need to You need to

Pip look at me Okay I need you to think I need you to think Alright I'm here man Something I don't know if it's A human

I don't think it's a human It's a beautiful Something from celestial Celestial itself Okay Something beautiful. Right. Golden hair.

Deep blue eyes. I want you to imagine the bluest eyes you've ever seen that you get lost in for years. Right. With alabaster skin. White skin, golden hair, blue eyes. And gorgeous. Like, perhaps like a goddess or a god of beauty. Right.

Is there a god of beauty here? There's nothing in Emmanuel about something like that. But I want my last words before I pass out to be, is there any beauty in Barovia? And then I want to have a little nap. That's a good line. Me and Esmer just like turn and look at each other like. No.

Can I try? This is his first week, right? How long has he been here? Months at this point. No, not a month. No, no. I think this has been like nearly a month at least. Maybe a month.

I don't even think it's. Because of travel time. I think it's been nearly a month. Yeah, maybe nearly a month, yeah. But definitely not months. Can I roll to see if I recognize his description? I mean... Could be anything. Well, no, that could be anything. From his description, this creature either is angelic or presents itself as angelic.

Like I said previously, it could be some types of fey yeah there are fey that come from celestia there's a lot of good aligned creatures obviously there's not a lot to go on but from description alone it yeah could be some type of deva or angel a hound archon, no, it wouldn't have been a hound archon. It could be a hound archon. It could be a daver. It could be, yeah, a lot of different types of angel. I mean, I don't know, Esme. You know, he's naive, a little bit stupid, but he is good.

And if there's something good in Brovia, perhaps not beautiful, but at least good, maybe it's looking out for him. Or at least keeping track of him. Sure. What school of monster hunting do you follow or belong to? Van Richten himself pioneered his own type of monster hunting. So did Durak, yeah. Every monster hunter has their own.

Durak, Hardcastle? Yes. Ah, he says. What? Oh says what oh i something did you know he's in barovia what did you durak hard castle uh on where i was trying to find my way into barovia i um was asking around and i followed his method. How long ago? Maybe in between nine months and a year ago. I haven't seen Durak in a decade. I thought he was dead. He's been in Barovia.

So you may not see him. Barovia is jailing Hector. I've never seen someone full on faint from this you took half his blood Esme I've taken all of someone's blood and they've been awake that sounds worrying that person shouldn't have been

where did you last see him or hear about him I never saw him I was trying to find a way to get in Barovia of course Durak would end up here of course he would Durak Hardcastle was, I was asking around in monster hunting circles

and someone told me that he had found the way in. So I asked around at the Sharpshot Companions and they gave me some of his old notes. Do you still have them? She begins patting herself down and then, the abattoir.

Right. Of course. They would be very useful. I thought he was dead. He had apparently found a way out. Yeah, that would be Durak. That would be Durak. Though it was iffy. The problem is you cannot go directly from Borovia to out of Borovia without Strahd's permission. But there is a technicality. The Borovia to out of Barovia without Strahd's permission, but there is a technicality.

Barovia is but a part of these dark lands. There are other lands beyond the mist that are still within the Shadowfell. Other dark places, of course. Yes. If you can get to one of the other dark places, some of them have exits.

Durak toward the end, he loved to ramble he would just go on these big journeys and we wouldn't see him for months and months and months and then one time he never returned and we assumed that he was gone i suppose knowing durak he's probably not here anymore. Possibly. Gentleman, the School of the Gentleman, that was mine. Though I don't know why it was called that, because Durak, nor I, are sort of very gentlemanly. And I couldn't tell you in what way what we do. School of the Scholar. Ah, I see. Yeah.

What we do. School of the scholar. Ah, I see. Yeah. Van Richten was always the mind is the best weapon type person. And I tell you what, he's not wrong. Bashing my head against something tends to make it stop. Do you think you'll ever take an apprentice?

That's sort of the expected next step. Perhaps one day, but I have not completed my training yet. Yeah. And would you start your own school? No, I think I would teach the scholar, as Dan Richten did. Me too. Me too. I like, and I think he does too, I like seeing myself as an adopted child. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I might take a walk. Alright, she says. Whoo! I go for a little, just a little walk around the, just around the outside. Around the house. Around the outside. Thinking about Durak.

Oh boy. And his outside. Around the outside. Thinking about Durak. Oh, boy. And his notes. Oh, boy. Yeah. I'll just take a little walk, and then once I've calmed down, I'll come back in and see how Hector's doing. Hector, when you wake up, you will have gained a level of exhaustion. So you would have healed a level of exhaustion.

Yeah. I think you're back just, you're on one. Is that correct? That sucks. Just that one sneaky little bit of exhaustion. Yeah. I think you're back just you're on one. Is that correct? That sucks. One sneaky little bit of exhaustion. Dude, finishing a long rest and then going straight back

to half health and exhaustion. That's sober of you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, exhausted. At least the hit points

will come back eventually. Seven days? The exhaustion may stay forever. Disadvantage and ability checks. Yeah, awesome. What time is it? Is it getting close to midday?

Yeah, it's getting real close to midday. You're cutting it close here. I know you're fucked up, Hector, but we might have to go. Yep. This is cool. We shall hustle. Yeah, let's do it. Would you like a little pick-me-up?

I'd love a little pick-me-up. All right. Sniff this. Okay. You do a little cocaine. We get on it. All right. Okay.

Fantasy coke. A little bit of marching powder. Chemically identical to cocaine. That's crazy. Okay, okay, okay, okay. What does that do mechanically? Just lets you get crazy. Okay, okay, okay, okay. What does that do mechanically? Just lets you get there.

Whatever it says in quotes just lets you get there. Alright, cool. That's what it says on the tin. I'm not doing a whole set of rules for meth, heroin, cannabis. I don't care about that.

It's a role- that's fair. Okay, okay, okay. It's a role-playing only joke. Okay. You arrive at a fine end. Right. What was the plan, by the way? I explained to you that I will get on the roof, that we will take out the guards.

You and Esme will stay in the crowd, kind of hiding yourself, until the Burgermaster comes out. Then we will attack him publicly. We don't need to kill the guards, but we do need to kill the Berger master. And then we need to kind of try and sort of put up enough of a fight that we can trick them into thinking that we're not trying to get captured. And then eventually, you know, it's a bit of a performance. And then, you know, act as though we're overwhelmed and then get taken away.

All right. All right. Let's go then. All right. All right. Let's go then. All right. I'll clamber up onto the roof. You do so without any issue. No one, no one bothers you. You sling a ranged weapon over your shoulder.

You climb up onto the top of a tall building and no one, barely anyone with their gazes averted, barely anyone fucking notices you and no one says anything. Looking around, just like looking around, darting my eye. What does the virgin must look like, by the way? Esme? No. I do not know. I also never got a description.

Pyrrhon would have given you a description. Okay, okay. Let me get you. Hang on. Did you tell us? I'm imagining I don't know Do they have a sash?

Probably I wouldn't have said Because I'm pretty thrown By the new information I just received About Durak Do they wear Some kind of Special clothing?

Like a hat? Yeah Like a Some kind of Mayor's hat? Like a mayor's hat And a sash It says

Burj Al-Masjid on it Yeah Like a Burj Al-Masjid sash You know Back in my family They had a mayor With a sash a sash. It's a bourgeois store. Yeah, like a bourgeois sash. You know, back in my day, a mayor would have a sash. It reminds me of this time.

Let me tell you about this time. Do you think I could do 20 push-ups? Yeah. Let me tell you about this time. I understand his whole idea about what is magic, what is not. He's crazy.

A good friend of mine, Graham Newman, you would love Graham. Graham would often tell me in good and long debates about what is the difference between a casting of a bless and the casting of, I don't know, a magic missile, for example. There would often tell me in good and long debates about what is the difference between a casting of Bless and the casting of, I don't know, Magic Missile, for example.

And there were some things I couldn't often have an answer. When you're ready. Just with a crossbow watching them talk, being like, shut up, Hecht. So, just to remind you, her name is Eleanor Tormach. Just, I mean, obviously knowing her name isn't important. It's not going to be so beautiful

for us now, but yeah. It's probably not going to be important but who knows maybe knowing it's good to have yeah she often wears deep black robes with silver trim to them or well sorry silver furring to them probably from a fox she has a matching hood but it is not connected to her robes if that helps you at all sure She'll be dressed quite well compared to everyone else here who have muted colors. And she'll obviously be holding herself a bit higher. She's an older woman in her 60s with graying hair and heavy bags under her silver matching silver eyes. She will walk with a little jingling noise, which are bells.

Pyrrhon would tell you this. Yeah. She knows magic. Okay. She has offensive type spells. She uses the bells to cast her spells. Cool. Cool.

That's sick. Okay. Pyrrhon would have been very upset that he made that rhyme. He might have also mentioned that, he might have actually, he wouldn't have mentioned, he would have made very upset that he made that rhyme. He might have also mentioned that... Actually, he wouldn't have mentioned. He would have made a joke about this. When you were talking about draining a hectare of blood, Piran would have been like,

oh, well, that would be pretty helpful because the magic that she casts tends to use her or someone else's blood. Oh, no. So you might even be immune to her spells. So you know that. I think I would have also explained as part of our strategy is that the Burgermaster will go in,

we take out the guards, and then when she comes out, we attack. Right. Hi, it's Fido. Start the semester with a new phone and a plan full of data without breaking your budget. We have everything you need for an A-plus year. Come check out our special back-to-school offers. They'll leave you

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The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands. Friday. So your job is to take out the

guards when they go in. I'll help from the roof and then when they come out we'll all converge. So when they

go in we take out the guards that are out front. Yes, that are out front. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. Yeah, outside the front. Just sprouting off this half remembered debate I had once about the differences

between divine and I don't know, just this different arcane magic. What is Esmeralda's current disposition? Yeah, anyway, I mean, he had this whole thing. Does she have a positive or negative opinion of you right now? He would disprove it. He would try to disprove the fact that there was, like, religious faith. She's kind of mad at you just in general.

Why? What have I done? Just various things since you've known her That will go up a bit Actually because you have agreed To go to the Amber Temple first So it goes up a bit But it's only a bit Oh and actually

Sorry very quickly Krivitz should go up a bit as well Because you spent some time explaining that stuff to him. Esme is nodding along. She is just kind of pretending like she's having a conversation with you for appearances, but she's not really listening. I don't realize. You're not aware.

It's fine. It's fine. It's a whole thing, but the spell shield. I mean, it's a good shield. The bells, the bells, the bells, the tolls are dead, tolls are dead. So anyway, the shield. A stern woman. Very stern looking.

The type who you could imagine operates as the very strict headmistress of an elite boarding school. Trunchbull. Yeah, big Trunchbull vibes. Okay. Is walking down the main street. elite boarding school. Trunchbull. Yeah, big Trunchbull vibes. Walking down the main street. The area here right now, because you're not in the market area of Vagabond, which is the densest part of Vagabond,

and also because it is in the middle of a shift at the abattoir, the area here is sparse. There's not no one present, but there's not a lot of people present. Both of you... Actually, Hector, well, you'll need to roll with disadvantage, Hector. You don't spot. Pip, you do.

Pip, you spot just a bit away, making himself obviously... Actually, he's probably disguised as a beggar right now. Although, someone doing a three-card Monty-type grift, you can see Piran is nearby, near enough that he's monitoring the situation,

but far enough that he wouldn't get dragged into anything. I'm quietly glad that Hector hasn't noticed. I'm also glad that I haven't noticed. Because I'd be just like, oh my god, ah, three-card Monty. I bet I can win it I have a system

I have figured it out that's so funny to go to Perrin and be like I'm in and Perrin's like what are you doing what are you doing man

get out of here middle middle I figured it out nothing under it what what do you mean you're tricking me

I feel like Perrin would take the opportunity yeah I feel like Perrin would take you for all you were worth right now Yeah true You've given him like all your money

That's true He's already grifted us Yeah Anyway He did use them He probably also skimmed a little Anyway that's not important Yeah

Yeah You can see that incredibly stern looking woman With two guards flanking her on either side These guards are, you would already know this, this isn't something that Piran told you recently but this is something you can very as someone who has all of their blood this is something you are able

to easily connect because the flayed guards or anyone who has anyone who is obsessed with the flayed guard tends to associate themselves with the sheriff and with the princess so these guards with the flayed guard tends to associate themselves with the sheriff and with the princess. Okay, yeah, cool. So these guards are not flayed.

Oh, sure. Great, great. That's good. Thank the gods. So it would probably be aligned more with the Burgermaster. Cool. Fabulous.

She walks up the entrance. How close to the entrance, Hector, would you have put yourself? This is kind of on Esme. Okay. Fair enough. I would love to say we're going to be a strategic way but I'm like, I honestly

am being led kind of by Esme. 50% blood, 50% cocaine. I don't think I've stopped talking about Graham. I'm trying to find out now if maybe Esme is single. Because I'm like, yeah, because Graham's a great guy. I think she'd really like his wife.

They gel. They gel. Yeah, Esmeralda's still not really paying attention to you, so you don't learn about her love life this time. Okay. Luckily for you, Esmeralda is not incredibly stealthy, but she's stealthy enough for this. And she's putting you, the two of you, far enough away that it looks like you're congregating around a water trough. Like a public water trough for people, not for horses.

And it kind of makes it look like the two of you are there to get some water. Okay. Is there tankards there? Yeah. There wouldn't be tankards, but there would be... Sort of metal cups? Yeah, there'd be like a metal thing, a ladle, a big ladle.

I would be drinking. Sure. You've got a dry mouth. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Esmeralda would probably be encouraging you to drink. Yeah, yeah. You definitely need a high drink. So, yeah, he'd often be talking about this one thing,

like a shield, a shield, because now a shield can prevent the arcane magic, but it could also prevent the fact that, like, divine magic can't do. It's so weird, because, like, why would one thing be able to prevent two things

anyway what if I just put my whole head in the trough I mean do I even need the ladle yes that would be great and roll the crabs in the back of your head

dunks you in the trough I know it takes a bit longer for you to come out what are they doing but no the two of you are That was really good.

are out of the way enough. God, half of your blood high on cocaine. It's a predicament I've never imagined I'd ever be in my life. Ezra on the show

not have let you have cocaine. Yeah, I agree. That was stupid. Did she give you saline? No, she just bled you. You don't have saline.

God. Oh, yeah, he's fucked. Yeah, he's fucked. You're far enough out of the way that the Burgermaster does not spot you or does not mark you as suspicious as she walks up into the tavern. Right before she enters to the door, she puts up a single finger, just doesn't say anything, just a single stern finger up. The two guards stop as if a spell were cast on them, turn around and take up kind of sentry-type positions.

Nice. She wanders in. As soon as the Burgermaster is out of sight, the two guards slacken noticeably. And that was the first time I had a crisis of faith. Right. Hector. Yes? Shh. Okay. slacking noticeably. And that was the first time I had a crisis of faith. Right. Hector. Esmeralda looks up at you, Pip.

Kind of waiting for you to make the first move. I just wait. I mean, I know there's never going to be no one, but I wait until there's as few people as possible and then I will roll. Is the way the tavern's built like there's a little chimney I could be hiding

behind? I'll roll out from There's two or three chimneys. Fabulous. I'll roll out from behind one of the chimneys and I will fire down at one of the guards with a pinning shot so that he can't go anywhere. You get advantage which you

rolled shit but but there... God, why are you doing this to me? You fire down. The plunging shot is perfect. Yeah. You hit, and one of them is then pinned in place. Nice. Hell yeah.

So, firing down. Everyone stops, and a bunch of locals in their very bland garb, a bunch of the locals of Kutry flinch when they hear a guard scream in pain, and your crossbow bolt has embedded straight through his boot into the ground beneath. Hell yeah. And, oh, you get a second shot, and then the initiative. I'll spin around and fire at the other guy.

Critical hit Oh yeah baby Nice Ooh Life threatening Right in the kisser Maximum damage Target cannot speak

For 3d4 hands I guess that makes sense If I fire in the foot One guy's like Where'd that come from Looks up Into the head The other guy looks up

And you shoot him Right in the mouth Huge tug Oh no You deal 13 points of damage. The unable to speak is irrelevant. You blast his jaw out. He collapses,

clutching at the stumps of his jaw. He's done. Yeah, fair enough. He is out of this fight. All right, and then we go to initiative. Oh, actually, no. You, Hector, and Esmeralda are both part of this surprise.

Would you like to go first? I'm just going to stare at the man with no jaw. That's pretty horrific. Open my mouth and be like, maybe touching my face. Yeah, fair enough. Esmeralda throws her hand axe. She hits the still remaining guy dead center in his chest.

She kills him. Nice. The other guard tumbles over. Esmeralda quickly, swiftly moves forward, grabs the axe, plants a boot on the guy's chest, tears the axe out of his chest and then with her rapier in one hand, hand axe in the other, she shelters

herself up against the doorway such that when the door opens again, she'll be hidden. Nice. Cool, cool, cool. Now we wait. And I'm like, ah. From the roof.

Hector, what are you doing? What's your plan? Esmeralda hisses at you. Just get down. I try to hide. All right. Roll under the water get down. I try to hide. All right. Roll onto the water trough. You do pretty well.

You just dive into the water trough. Oh, it's so cold. Oh, no. It may be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I might shock you into coherence again. Right, what are we doing again? Right, what are we doing again?

That's so funny. From Pip's perspective on the roof being like, Hector, what are you doing again that's so funny from pip's perspective on the roof being like hector what are you doing and then i see you get animated i'm like great he's coming over and you just dump the water and it's like what's going on they see suddenly just bubbles is he drowning himself bubbles big like is he talking himself through what's going on. Should I check on him? He's fine. He'll be alright. Yeah, Hector, you're drowning yourself, kind of, for five minutes. It takes about five minutes, and in that time, Pip, you and Esmeralda are just

staring at the corpses of those two guards. The one whose jaw got blasted out, he eventually and then becomes still. Distasteful. And the other one, he was pretty quickly... His heart got split in twain, so he dies pretty

quickly. Can I, like, in Apocalypse Now, is there ever so often just be a submerge, like, a merging my head, looking at the door, and then just slowly going back under. Absolutely, yeah.

Hector's gone insane. Fair enough. It's a bit traumatic. Not only did he find out maybe he's never been talking to his deity this whole time. He's also full of coke and no blood. That'll do that to a motherfucker. Full of coke and ash. Hector, you maybe aren't taking,

or maybe you are, I don't know, it's up to you, I suppose, but Pip and Esmeralda, the two of you cannot avoid the soft, the white snow.

You're far enough away from the abattoir that the snow here is not perpetually stained red. Oh, yeah. But you watch as red splotches

slowly expand from where those two guards are. Well, we just gotta hope that,. Oh, yeah. But you watch as red splotches slowly expand from where those two guards are. Well, we just got to hope that, I mean, whatever. People are going to come either way. The plan is to get arrested. Actually, you know what? Esmeralda spends the five minutes. She grabs the arms of one guard,

drags him around the side, grabs the arms of the other guard, drags him around the side. I guess we don't want to get arrested for that and not the Berger monster kill. Anyone nearby who is witnessing what's happening fucking clears off. Nice.

After about five minutes, Esmeralda has reassumed her position. The door opens and the Berger monster steps back out. She immediately clocks that there aren't two guards there. The first thing she does is she says Anda! Tom! where are you?

And then roll out from behind the chimney, thwunk, thwunk, and I'll make these precise shots so they have advantage. You already have advantage. Oh, fabulous. Well, then I'll just make them regular shots. That's fine. Okay.

Come on, Adam. First shot, miss. Oh, fuck. You roll out and your first shot, you... I guess I just didn't know specifically where she was. Yeah, you were going by sound, so your first shot's a miss. Your second shot is a hit, however. You deal 12 points of damage.

Hell yeah. Then... I want to burst out of the water trough, and then I would love to cast... How far away am I from her? You're about 20 feet. Oh, why not? He's not thinking the most straightough. And then I would love to cast... How far away am I from her? You're about 20 feet. Oh, why not? He's not thinking the most straight here.

Cool. I'm going to burn through Misty Step to get behind them. Fuck yeah. And then just spear straighten her back. Okay, yeah. Hell yeah. Baller.

Nothing personal, kid. You get two attacks, right? Yep. First attack. Hit. Second attack. Hit. No crits, kid. You get two attacks, right? Yep. First attack, hit. Second attack, hit. No creds, though. That's okay. Why not?

And we'll burn a... We'll put a smite on one of them. Why not? Are you using your shield? No. No? Okay. All right. How much smite are we burning here?

Let's go with a second level. Second level? So that's 3d8? Fuck yeah. Hex is going for it. Fair enough. It truly is. We don't know the state of it.

We don't know what manner of creature she is. 37 points of damage. Okay. All right. You stab her in the back and lift her up off the ground, shaking your spear into her back. She cries out in pain. Oh, and then Esmeralda spins around.

She looks at her, looks at you, Hector, and you hear her mutter, Jesus fucking Christ. Then she goes for it. She hits with her rapier, hits with her rapier a second time, and critical with the axe.

Nice. Hell yes. God, 20 points of damage, and then the critical. Oh, fuck. Dude, surprising someone? Great. It's really effective, is what I'm learning. Slice tendon, triple damage,

and the target speed is reduced to five feet until the end of their next turn. All right, so... Oh, boy. Esmeralda neatly slashes once with the rapier, slashes a second time with the rapier, cutting the woman from her cheek down onto her breast, and then from her breast down onto her hip. Then while that's happening, she goes in low because the woman brings her hands up to defend herself.

She uses that opportunity, goes in low, puts the axe round behind her foot, and drags it forwards. Gross. Alright, so, that triple damage is... Ouchie mama! She deals a further 27 points of damage. Christ, she dealed 47 points of damage.

Jesus Christ, dude. Okay. Okay. Good opening salvo, gang. Oh, spectacular move. Then we go to initiative. Yeah, dude. Okay. Okay. Good opening salvo, gang. Oh, spectacular move. Yeah, and then we go to initiative. Yeah, spectacular. Well done, everybody. Can I just say. Good job.

Congratulations. Scary, she's still going. Yeah, I know. That is slightly concerning. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. But if we drain her of her blood, you know.

Something to, certainly something to think about. Yeah. She's going last. Oh, she's done, dude. Yeah, she's, she's a fucking cactus, dude. She is cactus. All right. Don't even feel like, I didn't even want to write out the full initiative.

All right. Esmeralda. Wow. Is bungling it now. Okay. Critical miss. A regular miss and a critical miss. This is going to hurt. You are vulnerable

to slashing damage for four rounds. Okay. As Esmeralda goes in to attack, she brings her knee up underneath Esmeralda's chin, causing her to roil backwards.

Flailing with her axe, though, she still catches the Burja Master, dealing another nine points of damage. That rocks. All right, Hex, it's your turn. Cool. Bonus action. I will cast Hexblade Cursed,

and then I will stab twice with the spear. So that just gives me a crit on a 19 or a 20 and gives me plus four bonus to damage rolls. First attack, hit. Second attack, crit miss. Well, there's critical miss into a critical hit. I mean, now's the time. So how much extra,

do you do any extra damage with the Hexblade Curse? Plus four bonus to damage rolls. Okay. Do you mind if I use this thing? Go ahead, dude. And then I'll, you know what, Adam, that critical miss, we're going to turn that into a critical hit.

All right. And then I'm going to burn a spell slot and smite her on the critical. Hell yeah. Pierced thigh, double damage. Oh, hell yeah. So how much are you spending? Yeah, just a singular spell slot.

So that's an extra 2d8. 2d8. Now, I'm sorry to tell you this. I mean, who knows what critical miss you would have gotten, but this is probably wasted. You do kill her, but you, like, overkill her. She takes way more damage than she needed to. Fair enough.

That's okay. She breathes her last. So, pierce thigh, you said? Yeah. Great. So, just, like, spear in the thigh. It's like, so, pierced thigh, you said? Yeah. Yeah. Great. So it's just like spear in the thigh and then being like, oh, yeah, energy. And then radiant damage is exploding a person's thigh is crazy to picture.

She has not been cut cleanly in two. She hasn't been cut in two at all, sorry. But, yeah, you do destroy her thigh. Her other thigh is still there to keep her held together. But it's like barely. It's a pretty fucking grisly death. Both you and Esmeralda, actually Pip

cops it as well. But hilariously Pip, you cop it from like the shoulders up. You are all covered in gore. Okay, great. So I heal eight from the Hexblade's curse Nice And then I go over to the trough And I have a sippy of water

Alright Okay You do not have long I Yeah I'm checking around for guards No I mean you have literally like twenty seconds Oh I see

You see Pyrrhon is gone Yeah But then you Seconds later You spot him pointing in your direction. He's wearing, obviously, a disguise, and there's a bunch of guards with him.

The guards spot what has happened almost immediately, and Awesome. Alright, so we have 20 seconds, so three rounds. Yeah. Okay, cool. And then Pyrrhon said, put on a show. Yes. Cool. First round, sip of water. First round, sip of water. Second round, sip of water.

Third round, I'm radiant solely. What does that do? It gives you wings, you can fly. Glimmering eyes, two incorporeal wings, and then have a flying speed, and then once per turn I can have one attack or spell deal nine additional radiant damage. Okay. Well, that happens. I roll off the roof onto the ground,

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