D&D is For Nerds - Welcome to Ogg Nott #14 Of Mercenaries and Magic

Episode Date: October 11, 2015

Welcome to Ogg Nott Season 1In which our heroes engage in misadventures around the town of Old Ashton. We look for hirelings, drink with Markov in the tavern and prepare for our long voyage. Krif tries his best to use up Jiggalump’s nine lives, Princess Ansley works out her bum pinching game plan and Leo applauds enthusiastically for property damage. So heft your spear and join our party as they get drunk and try to use magic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sants Pants Radio, who was that? There's nothing sadder than a group of adults sitting around a table, rolling to disarm a half-orc, but that's exactly what we're going to be doing today. Welcome to episode 14 of D&D is for Nerds. As always, I'm Joel Zammett, and I'm going to be playing the part of Leo Shadow. Over there we have Jackson B. Bailey playing the part of Criff Pompomcriff. Yeah. And of course, next to him we have Ali Kathleen playing the part of Princess A Pompom Criff. Yeah. And, of course, next to him we have Ali Kathleen

playing the part of Princess Ainsley Foggyfeather. That's me. And with us, as always, the completely forgettable Adam Christoph Waltz from Django Unchained. What? Shut up, Adam. Previously on D&D is for Nerds. Markov is trying to say,

no, let's crawl across to distribute weight. Oh! It's taken us like a month and's crawl across to distribute weight. Oh! I guess it's taken us like a month and a half just to get this. Have a bit of a chat to the dude and be like, you know, notorious wizard killers, these boys and girl. And cat. And cat. Hello, Mr Knight.

I happen to have a wizard killing job. They came on your back. What do you reckon? If you do this for me, I'll just give it to you. Ooh. All right. Done. Carter, he's the head wizard for the Pirate King.

Pirates, guys. Do you want to flip a coin for it, guys? Yes. Yeah, all right, all right. Yeah. Oh, my God. Halfway around the world. You've got a whole day ahead of yourselves.

What do you want to do? We go explore the town. Okay. Are you, like, looking for any sort of anything in particular? Cheap health potions and hirelings. What is a hireling? Like a guy, like a sellsword. Yeah, a sellsword.

And a sellsword. You could find plenty of mercenaries. Who's the most interesting looking one? I want a meat shield. Like maybe one with a lazy eye. Ha, ha, hi. Or la, la, lo. Ha, hi.

Okay. You meet a guy called Grayson. Oh, yeah. He looks like he's been in a couple fights before. He's got like a scar down one cheek. I like him. Like a very atypical looking sort of mercenary type. But when you talk to him, he

um, what should I say? He just has this like sort of aura of confidence about him. How would you like, Grayson, to help take down an evil wizard? We'll even let you wear the cape. I'd give him the cape. Yep.

I work for gold. Cape? Universal bartering tool. Capes. Cape. Gold. I just told you what it was. Okay.

How much gold? What is your asking price, my friend? Like one cape worth? That's a good question. Like a single cape's worth of gold? Like a cape and a bell. This cape was once worn by a very proud knight. I imagine capes get sweaty.

What about a robe? You want a cape and a robe? Cape and an old priest's garment. Yes! Three silver a day. I think we can afford that. You're looking at the wrong sheet. We've got 15 silver.

Yeah, but 10 silver just... Plus some gold. Five days? That's enough for one week of the 2 week voyage We got 181 gold 15 silver 4 copper We can afford him, because it's 10 silver to a gold

If you have a particular objective in mind Tell me what it is and we can work out a deal We've got to kill a wizard He's like, Carter is his name Pirate dude I don't know if you've heard of him And you have to feed us I have to feed you He's like, Carter is his name. Pirate dude. I don't know if you've heard of him. Never heard of him. And you have to feed us.

I have to feed you. I mean, maybe. Shut up. Shut the fuck up, Ainsley. I'm not a great cook. That'll be extra. Never mind then. No, I'm into it now.

But I'm not going to just buy. I'll pay you, done. But I don't know your skills. I look around. What weapons has he got on him? Like from a casual glance. He's got a spear strapped to his back and a long sword. Are there any birds about?

Probably not. Are there any other animals? This is like a rough and tumble part of town. There's plenty of other mercenaries. Jesters? Any stalls? It's like near the docks. There's some sailors, mercenaries. Jesters? Any stalls? No, it's like near the docks. There's some sailors, mercenaries.

Any cargo? Cargo? Probably, yeah. Grayson, if you were to perhaps write what class you were on a piece of paper, what would it be? Mercenary. And what sort of level of skills that you would put on this piece of paper. On a piece of paper. What would it be? Mercenary. And what sort of level of skills that you would put on this piece of paper? Experienced.

What kind of produce, Adam? What do you mean? What kind of produce? Well, like at the docks. What kind of cargo? Oh, I thought you were saying like if you were to write on your piece of paper a type of produce. If you were a vegetable,

Grayson. Produce? Probably a lot of grains, maybe corn. What on earth are you looking for? I want a melon. I'm going to be like, if you can hit a melon with your...

Any signs? I just want him to do a jealous skill. I look around for a good With your... And he signs. Signs? Like, I just want him to do, like, a... Show us his skills. I look around for a good task, then, for him to complete to show us his skills. Like, if he can spear a sign, if he can knock a hat off somebody.

You see some signs, yeah. All right. The furthest one away, I want him to throw a spear at it. If you hit it, I'll double your pay. You going to pay for any damages I'm charged with? Absolutely. Nah. Yeah?

No. No. Okay. The furthest one away is, I don't know, I'd say maybe 50, 60 feet away that you can see at least. Yeah. Grayson takes, like, a couple steps back so that he's 10 feet further away, hefts the spear, chucks it, scores a hit. The spear buries itself maybe halfway through the sign.

A lot of people gasp and flood out of the way. They think there's a fight happening. I just start applauding. I start applauding. I get to the crowd like, eh? Eh? Grayson, you are bloody high. A lot of people, like, who were off to the sides, like, were about to scream,

but then, like, stop and start clapping as well. What if, guys, we just hold up? You're hired. No. Shut up. How is this going against online? Grayson goes to retrieve his spear. Grayson, we're staying at this tavern.

I give him the... What's the name of the tavern? The Salty Dog, we're staying at this tavern. I give him the... What's the name of the tavern? The Salty Dog. We're staying at the Salty Dog. It's near the docks. I get it. So if you want to meet us back there, I think we're going to leave tomorrow morning at dawn.

Like, see, Ainsley, he's good with a spear. We haven't really negotiated a price yet. Double the regular price. He said six silver a day. So 12 silver a day. No, he. Six silver a day. So 12 silver a day. No, he said three silver a day. Three silver. And then it goes to six.

Yeah. What happened was Jackson was like, I'll double your pay. So fucking Zamit is like six silver saying that is the doubled rate. But Jackson is like 12 silver because he thought six was the regular rate. Stop quadrupling. No, no, no. It was six silver because he thought 6 was the regular rate. It's not quadrupling. No, no, no. It was 6 silver? 6 silver. 6 silver a day? Okay. Good. Fine.

Guys, guys, if we make friends with him or maybe like someone starts to date him, he might give us a discount. Where are you sailing to? Shh. Kanawha? Kanawha. Kanawha.

Kanawha. Do you realise that's Shh. Canor? To Gnar. Gnar. Gnar. The city of pirates. Gnar, maybe? Do you realize that's maybe a year's travel? What? What? I thought you said it was a couple of weeks before.

A couple of weeks to Goldcrest. We're talking about literally sailing, not literally sailing around the world. Well, actually, eventually you are going to literally sail around the world. It is literally on the other side of the world. Well, actually, eventually you are going to literally sail around the world. It is literally on the other side of the world. Guys, but guys, I'm so into it now. Go back to my plan. That's about a year's voyage. Okay, how about this?

We're going to huddle. We're going to huddle. I don't think I can count that high. We're going to huddle. Hold on. We're going to huddle. DM, don't talk to us for a second. Grayson, whatever your name is. Grayson. I'm going to find his character sheet anyway. Don't listen. Right. Again, have to do him. Don't talk to us for a second. Grayson, whatever your name is.

Grayson. I'm going to find his character sheet anyway. Don't listen. Right. Again, back to my plan. If someone starts to date him, maybe he'll fall in love with us. I'm looking at you, Chris. We'll just pay him for a little bit.

Then we'll be like, look, if we get anything that we get, we just share with him the profits. So we'll pay you for half and then looting rights. And then you get half the bounty. And also, guys, just as an aside, we're going to be on a ship. Like, he can't go anywhere. That's true. So the question is, do we tell him we can only pay him for, like,

I don't know, a few months? You're hiring muscle and then you're going to cheapskate him in a place you can't escape. I'm not trying to cheapskate. I'm saying, look, have we come to an agreement of saying, like, you can get looting rights as well. Maybe pay him, like, we'll pay for his room and board, right?

And then any looting rights he can get. Yep. I mean, you can offer him that. And if we don't want to on the voyage back, I'll just stab him in the throat. Or punch him in the face. Yeah, alright. Okay, but hold on. Do we tell him straight up? No, we don't tell him we're going to stab him in the throat. You're going to punch him in the throat. Or punch him in the face. Yeah, all right. Yeah. But hold on. Do we tell him straight up? No, we don't tell him we're going to stab him in the throat.

Are you going to punch him in the throat? No, we get onto the ship and then be like, no way. When he can't do anything about it. No. Deal. Did you see him with the spear? He might kill me. As an aside, we should find Markov before he leaves the city.

Bring him along too. Yeah. Eh? Eh? It's a pretty good idea. I don't know how to... Hey, we can get it across to him. If we can try, then okay.

Hey, Grayson. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. How are you? So, because it's such a long journey and we've got a couple of things going, if you want to accompany us, looting rights? You're going to wait till the ship. Why would I wait till the ship to say that I thought we decided

No I really dismissed you Looting rights Grayson For what So basically we're killing a very powerful wizard And his pirate gang Pirate king And a lot of bounty there So you can share.

Mmm, num-nums. Num-num gold. Mmm, num-num. What? I don't know. Why would I eat gold? Gold is delicious. Ainsley, shut the fuck up.

I'm sorry. Your friend touched in the head? A little bit. It's come to our, like she says she was a noble, but it's come to our attention she says she was a noble But it's come to our attention recently That that may not be a thing The longer we spend time with her The more we're like

Is she a noble? How long have you known her? A while What? Now Hang on Delicious gold She's our treasurer

But now I'm kind of starting to regret that decision So wait Looting rights and what else? We'll pay you room and board Now I'm kind of starting to regret that decision. So wait, looting rights and what else? We'll pay your room and board, and then whatever the bounty gets, we'll split it four ways. So bounty, is it sole looting rights or joint looting rights? Joint, as in like with the bounty. Looting rights means, if you just say looting rights, I'm assuming I'm the only one who gets loot.

You split the bounty, but I'm the only one who gets loot. Are you saying split the loot as well? Yeah, loot as well. What would you say to that proposal? How about half the loot and we'll split the bounty four ways? That's pretty good, mate. What's this guy we're taking down? He's like the most powerful wizard in the world.

Of all time. That's a bad thing to say. I don't know if I can handle the most powerful wizard in the world. Of all time. That's a bad thing to say. I don't know if I can handle the most powerful wizard in the world of all time. Okay, okay. Well, let's be honest. The second most powerful wizard of half time. What's this bounty? How much?

10 million gold. Can we just leave now? So many dives. I don't think he's actually learning anything, Liz Smith. I think he's just rolling dice. No, I just remembered you guys do intend to possibly betray him, so he's, like, sizing you up as well. Okay.

Sick. I don't believe that's the bounty We don't To be honest But I believe you when you say there's a bounty Yeah, we don't know about the bounty for Carter But there was mention of a bounty Thank you for being honest At one point at least during this

Well, welcome, Grayson You're right, I am Now, can we just like Maybe like a one out of ten tell me how attractive this gentleman is? He's pretty average looking. What about his butt? Yeah, roll a D10.

And then whatever that is. He is a badonkadonk for the ages. Yes! Let's do this, guys! Are you going to give it a pinch before we leave? Nah, man. I'm going to build a rapport and work up to it. Didn't work with Dustin.

No, it did not. Pinching random strangers' bums, not a solid strategy. Build a rapport, guys. All right, well, I say we chuff back. We tell Grayson we'll meet him back at the Salty Dog, and we chuff back, and I want to look for Markovov or you guys can stay here, whatever. I'm going to look for Markov. I'm going to go nap. Yeah, let's go have a nappy time.

Wait, so you guys are going back to the tavern, you're going to look for Markov as Leo and Ainsley going back to the tavern and Kripp looking for Markov. Well, let me just see how well I do. Brilliantly.

Oh, God. Okay. So you're going to be busy for the next two hours looking for Markov. Leo and Ainsley, when you get back to the tavern, Markov is drinking in the bar. Yes. I, like, wave at Markov. He waves back.

He seems very happy. He's got, like, a big foaming mug in his hand. I was like, you want to like point to like. Like I was saying with the rations, the last couple of days before you got to old Ashton, we're like really like iffy, like with the food. So has he already ordered and stuff? Oh, he's like gorging himself on as much food as he can eat.

Because I'll sit next and order like a beer and a food for me and like point to the beer and like, hey, Markov, you want another? Does he want another? Hang on. It's an important question. He shakes his head. You don't think he gets it.

Okay, I just order two anyway. He'll get it when it arrives at his table. He needs that. Cool. Well, when the second one comes up, yeah, he's acting like he assumes both of them are for you. He seems kind of happy, though. He, like, shoves them both.

He, like, when the wench, basically, brings them around and, like like sets them down near you. He like nods enthusiastically and mimes using two hands to pick them up. I like nod and grab one and just put it near him. He pushes it back over to you. I'm going to take the other beer. I just give it to Ainsley.

And I just shrug and I don't get it. I don't know what to do. He smiles and flicks your ear. Hey! That thing. Good. I give him a thumbs up and flick my ear back at him, I guess. Flick his ear.

And flick his ear. How you show your dominance. And yeah, and continue to try and have a very Poor conversation with Markov For the next two hours apparently Markov Polo Polo When you're like fruitless two hours

Searching what do you do? Keep going or What has the city been like? Pleasant It's like not really warmer per se, but there's a lot of places that you can duck in and warm up before going back out. I think I'm just enjoying having a me day. After spending months on the ice with these cunts,

I'm just enjoying having a nice relaxing me day. A little beer for you. Yeah, you're just like, I guess, taking in the sights? Yeah. yeah you just like i guess taking in the sights yeah you look up and sitting on top of like a a windowsill like a three stories up in a building a stone building you see are there any rocks really low like looking like he's about to pounce and he's got his eyes firmly on you i want to like scrabble around in the dirt or the cobblestones for a rock. As you're doing that, you turn around and this sharp furry thing lands on the back of your head.

Oh, God. He, like, scratches it. He just, like, fucking moves his paws about and scratches for a second and then leaps off you and runs around like an alley. Oh, that son of a... I'm going to chase him. Today I might finally kill my cat. I'm just going to beat the shit out of him.

I think I might just beat the shit out of this cat. You charge down the alleyway. It's a dead end. It's like the place is littered with refuse and Jiggle Lump is right up the other end, just staring you down. He starts hissing and, like, you know, clawing at you. Grapple. I'd like to grapple my cat.

You want to try and grapple him? Yes. Grapple him, like I said. I want to grapple the rabble. Trade in this guy. I don't think you can trade in a... I'm going to go to the familiar store. Maybe if I kill this one, I'll get a new one.

Is that familiar store? That's what I'm saying. You take two points of damage. What? As you, like, try to grab him, Jigglelump grabs you instead and just latches onto your fucking face. You guys are fully healed.

Is he, like, latching on my face, Adam? On the front? Yeah, like, just scratching up your fucking face. Can I smack my head into a wall? Cat attached. front yeah like just scratching up your fucking can i smack my head into a wall cat attached as you're doing it jiggle um leaps out of the way at the last moment and you smack your fucking face oh you take another three points of damage. Where's Jiggle Lump now?

I'm going to turn and kick. Oh, my goodness. I will kill this cat if it kills me. Jiggle Lump, like, starts tearing up your leg as well. Oh, God. You take another three points of damage. If this cat kills you, it's going to be so amazing. Technically, it'll just knock him unconscious

because he's taken a little non-lethal damage from smacking his face into the wall. Oh, too good. Jiggleump reattaches himself to your chest. Run full belt and body slam. He's like one point of damage. I'd like to body slam the ground. Body slam. It's like one point of damage.

I'd like to body slam the ground. I'm going to kill this cat. You like land on Jiggle Lump, but it's like on some boxes, not boxes, but like it's on some rags and shit and it doesn't seem to have done any damage. Oh, that fucking cat. Is he still under me? Jiggle Lump's like still tearing into your fucking chest.

Oh, God. He's just like ripping up your robe. So rude. I'd like to get up and body slam again. Yeah, you crushed Jiggle Lump. Yes! Makes like a hissing sound. Good, good.

I don't think it's dead. You know that Jiggle Lump has got more hit points than you do. Like I consider it about equal,. But I'm more tenacious. We've also taken a lot more damage than Jiggle Lump has. Is Jiggle Lump just lying there on the ground? No, Jiggle Lump starts clawing into you again. This fucking cat. You take another two points of damage.

I want to pick him up. Let me pick him up and hurl him at him. You try, but he's just like, starts moving from your chest into your face when you like shift him on you. God, two points. What am I on? Like max damage every single fucking time.

You're on two hit points, Jackson. This cat is going to fucking kill you. What's the situation now? Are you like rolling around on the ground. Right now Jiggle Lump somehow has you pinned to the ground. Fat cat sitting on you. He's just like tearing into your face. I'd like to just try and punch him in the side of the head.

This will be my last attack. Oh, yeah. You hit him. Maybe not my last attack. I was so hoping for that moment when Adam reaches for the critical pile and you're like, which way is it going to go? Which way is it going to go? Just punch the cat's head.

Jiggle Lump makes that meow sort of sound and leaps off you. Jiggle Lump darts around and tries to attack you from the side, but you grab Jiggle Lump and you're just like trying to pin him to the ground I'd like to grab my other scuff of his neck and like hurl him up laughter laughter

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laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter You throw him into the air. Jiggle Lump is like tumbling end over end. Like fucking lands.

Like lands maybe 15 feet away from you. You chuck him a good distance with a solid thwomp. And Jiggle Lump lays very still. I go test him to see if he's dead. And then he comes back to life. Jiggle Lump fucking sits. And then he comes back to life. Jiggle on fucking sis. Yes! Attacks at you again, but you're like,

and you, like, throw him off. I might start screaming for help. Oh, my God. Gods! Jiggle on Piers' guards and just fucking bolts. Oh, man. Jiggle on. I head back to the salty dog. Digalump hears guards and just fucking bolts. Oh, man. Digalump.

Head back to the salty dog. I'm a bit of a salty dog myself right now. Okay. What happened to you? Griff returns in a fucking sorry state. What happened to your face? His fucking... Your robe is literally just tatters. You're like nude from the waist up.

Can I give you my half-drunk beer. I would like to drink it in one. He is covered in scratches and bruises. I didn't find Markov. Oh, I like lean. Markov is sitting at the bar with them. I lean back and just kind of point at Markov. He waves.

He's pretty drunk. I'm just going to. Markov has just been fucking putting them away again all right he's just spent the last few months with us he probably needs more make sure he fucking loves you guys he comes in the morning okay yeah i've never seen your character serious it's kind of funny i'm going up to bed? I'll see you at dawn. Oh my god, that was so weird. Just max damage every time.

Why? I hate that cat so much! He screamed as you walked off. Yes! Hey, Leo. What team are you on? Have you bought a room? Team Jiggalump. I don't remember.

I'm just a happy spectator. It's going to be a fun voyage. I'm dropping that cat in the fucking sea. I kind of nudge Markov and I'm like, hey. Oh, no. Kriff should have done more damage. Kriff gets multiple attacks. No, Kriff, sorry.

Jiggalump. Jiggalump should have got hit. Jiggalump does multiple attacks. Oh, my God. I was only doing one attack. Jiggalump gets like three fucking attacks. What is Jiggalump? Why are you not making him attack more often?

I'm trying. All the time! Jigglewump is the funniest. Sorry. I just nudge Markov and I'm just like, make a sailboat and like a wizard gesture. You make a sailboat gesture. A sailboat gesture.

Everyone knows the international sailboat gesture. That one. I'm trying to like mime a boat and, like, travel and, like, a wizard. Like, do the diddly-diddly-diddly wizard thing. And, like, hey. Because he loves it. Markov smiles and, like, chinks beers with you. I, like, chink it back and just look at Ainsley and just,

I don't know what I'm doing. I think Griff's going to get angrier at us now. Yeah, Griff, you haven't rented a room. Nevertheless, Adam, first door I see. It's locked. Oh, hang on. Kick it open. Half naked.

Higher or lower? In tatters, kicking doors. You kick at the door. Breaking it open is another matter. I'll turn You kick at the door. Breaking it open is another matter. I'll turn around and try the door, the next door. You do even worse on this one. You just press against this door. Just sleep in the hallway, dude.

Yeah, I'll just drop to my knees and sleep in the hallway. You get like a solid minute before a barkeep is there nudging you awake. Room? Rental room? Just row copper pieces at him. I do. How much? Oh, sorry.

A high or low, I mean? A low. He nods. How much do you throw at him? I throw at him nine silver pieces. He might just give you a blanket and just be like, have the hallway, buddy. I'll take that nine silver. He like picks, not picks you up, but like helps you up and he sort of helps you into a room and just drops you on the bed.

Good. I sleep. Here, my fingers are crossed right now. Wait, I locked the windows. And the door. I was just hoping my fingers were crossed right now I locked the windows And the door I was just hoping my fingers were crossed He'd wake up in the middle of the night And have this beautiful fuzzy little cat

Curled up around your tummy I'd punch him Right in his little cat jaw And we'll wait till morning Before I have had enough And what's Leo and Ainsley doing? We'll probably go to bed Good morning, for I have had enough. And what's Leo and Ainsley doing? We'll probably go to bed soon. Yeah, we'll get a room.

You're getting rid of it. Okay, so what type of room do you want? Poor, common, or good? Common. You would not take a common room. That's true, because I'm now a pretend noble, so I want a double good room. Hey, I wasn't the one who chose a fantasy, literally,

within the fantasy world, a fantasy in itself. I didn't know what words you looked for, so I gave you my last name and hope for the best. It didn't work. If you want, we can work out right here, right now, live on air. This is live, gentlemen. Yep. Which kingdom that you hail from?

Yes. Actually, I got an idea, right? Just close your eyes, roll the dice, and whatever the dice lands on on your map is where I'm from. Where am I from? Where am I from? I hope it's this town. I would laugh so hard.

You're from the Isle of Natura. Cool. You come from wizarding folk. How am I not a wizard? Because you were kidnapped. Another layer of disappointment for your family. I know. Not even a wizard.

All right, move on. Thank you. But no, literally, like, all of your siblings are wizards. Your parents are wizards. You're just a ranger. Am I like a squib, guys? I think you're like a squib. Yeah, you're like the disappointing squib of the family.

I don't know. Even if you kidnapped fucking Ron, he wouldn't be so good at magic. That's true. Okay. Good. So yes. It implies then that there is a magical potential inside you This is so good guys

I could be a wizard Try and use magic You're a wizard Ainsley Try and use magic Ainsley And a thumpin' good one Get drunk and try and use magic Yes! Me and Leo are going to get drunk.

Okay. Yes! No. We get drunk and try and use magic. Me too. I want in on this. Yes. Okay.

So. Let me get my. Oh, drunk rules. Okay. So first, well, you've been drinking already, so I'm going to say you have a couple strikes against you already. Oh, so what is drunk rules, if someone wants to explain that to me? They're all homebrew, and it's better off if you just leave it to fate,

to be honest. Okay. Hang on, wait, I need your intelligence and constitution scores So long guys Get ready for a hectic old time It's got me so much fun What sort of magic are we going to do? I hope it's necromancery

No! That's big I think, start small, get a candle See if we can light it on fire Alright What you should do is get a candle I mean I'm not here, I'm asleep But you should get a candle and see if you can light it on fire. All right. What you should do is get a candle. I mean, I'm not here. I'm asleep. But you should get a candle and see if you can put it out.

Because literally just your hand movements might achieve that. Just be like... And just create enough gust that the light goes out. You have an intelligence of nine. Magic does not come that naturally to you, I guess. Hey, I'm 15, though. Hey. You may be more likely to be a wizard by accident.

I'm 18. I'm dad. Shut the fuck up, Adam. So, you guys just down swigs of ale? Yes. Trying magic tricks. Are we also trying to impress Markov? Because I like to just forget that he just does not like magic. Maybe doing a little bit of

sleight of hand card tricks? Will that freak him out? Is Markov afraid of the Is he afraid of magicians or just magic or both? Um, what? Is Markov afraid of magicians or just magic? His people are very superstitious.

Magic is arcane magic. So if I was doing some sneaky card tricks, like, is this your card, Markov? Would he be freaking out? If he believed it was actual magic. I want to keep doing some freaky little card tricks with him. As you get drunker and drunker, it gets harder and harder. I know.

Do the, like, oh, no, my thumb's coming off. Yeah. Have Markov with his simple peasant ways behind. Markov is impressed with your tricks But he doesn't think it's magic I'm happy with impressments Good start Okay, so we would like to try and set a candle on fire

And then I'd like to turn that candle into a rat Oh my god, this is so many rolls You guys are making me do now Is it working? I just want to stare at a coaster and just try and move it. I want something to be unlocked in my mind.

In our little drunken, you're like, oh, by the way, I come from a magic family. And I'm like, oh my god, maybe you're magic. Maybe I am. Maybe I am too. And then we go from there. Yes. Okay. Ainsley, you get about as far as trying to put out candles. Put out candles?

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you start with putting out or lighting? Lighting. Oh, okay. You get about as far as lighting candles. And after seven straight drinks in an hour, you slump forward on the table and just like fall over. But did I set it on fire?

No. You tried. Hey. We got a long boat trip. Ainsley is like literally unconscious. Did I succeed in magic? You are really drunk as well. You have not succeeded either. Damn it! Guys, we got a long boat trip ahead. Well, you're...

Heavy drinking before a long boat trip. Barkeep, we would like room. What? I know your friend. Rooms. Oh, okay. What sort of room?

Good? Double good. You're unconscious. Oh, yeah. Double good, sir. These are like really fucking strong ales, like just shy of scotch, and it's in a big fucking mug. Double good, sir. These are like really fucking strong ales, like just shy of scotch, and it's in a big fucking mug. Double good rubes.

You guys have had seven of them in an hour. I'm surprised you lasted this long. Triple good rubes. Okay. Barkeep could probably screw him out of some money. Tangled. Okay, done. Good. How are we going to pay Grace? Shut up. Barkeep could probably screw him out of some money. Tangled. Okay. Done. He sounds a bit...

Good. How are we going to pay Grace? Shut up. Later parties problem. Good. I try and lift up Ainsley. And then everyone just at some point... Oh, no.

I try and lift up Ainsley. The barkeep helps you and Ainsley. I think I'm doing really well. Oh, my God. The barkeep has you as a halfling just like cradled in one arm like you would a baby. I forgot that, but it's a halfling. Seven jugs

of scotch, that's your body. That's all of your liquid. You probably had smaller cups. I figured. I'm like holding Ainsley by the foot. I'm so strong. Oh my god, how strong have I gotten? And on a slightly tipsy note for once,

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