D&D is For Nerds - Welcome to Ogg Nott #2 Let Sleeping Orcs Lie

Episode Date: July 19, 2015

Welcome to Ogg Nott Season 1In which our heroes infiltrate an evil wizard’s lair, take down an orc in a pillow fight and roll more critical hits than regular ones. We slay some sleeping orcs, discuss the merits of throwing swords at enemies versus stabbing them and establish that the kidnapped princess is the party treasurer. Princess Ansley arrows a goblin at point blank range, Leo checks (fairly well) for traps and Krif just wants his fat cat Jiggalump to do something helpful. So join our party as they establish their dynamic, drink some health potions and generally try to avoid accidentally killing each other. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio, well I guess you're the big goddamn hero. There's nothing sadder than a group of adults sitting around a table rolling dice to determine initiative, but that's exactly what we are doing today. Welcome to episode two of D&D is for Nerds, I'm Joel Zammett playing the part of Leo Shadow, and introducing Jackson B. Bailey playing the part of Criff Pum Pum Criff. Yeah. And of course, Ali Kathleen playing the part of Ainsley Foggyfeather. Ainsley Foggyfeather. And of course,

our illustrious DM, Adam Kraboppelpate. That's not my name. Previously on D&D is for Nerds. My name is Criff Pompom Criff. I have a cat called Jigglelump. My name is Leo Shadow. I'm Princess Ainsley Finsley foggy feather a dusty looking

traveler steps in and his eyes just rest on each of you for like a little bit hang on hang on hang on do you want me to cause a distraction real quick yes dancing light i'm gonna pinch his butt adventurers right yes i have a proposition for you do any of you guys know of a wizard a mage called wonder and norton, he's a dick, but a rich dick. And I do like robbing people. Ladies and gentlemen, you've never seen a coat like this. Looks like he might be having second thoughts at this point.

So long, tavern. When you see these boys next, and girl, they'll be the richest man and lady in town. Alright, so you set out. During the, or how long are you going to set out. How long are you going to walk until exhausted or are you going to

slow down? Leisurely. We are creatures of leisure. Singing songs along the way. The moment I get tired, we're sitting down for a nap. Literally the moment. The moment I'm like, I am short. I want him to carry me at points.

So he's going to tire pretty quickly. Oh, boy. You carry him once for like 10 meters and you're done. That's the best time. Like, guys, we have to stop for the night. I'm exhausted. Okay. At some point, you stop to rest.

And in the night, nothing eventful happensful happens yes we're having the best time like having campfires singing songs getting a bond over cooking up rations yes you wake up the next morning and set off again uh on the on this uh this second day it doesn't take you long to find the secret entrance. It's set into a... The entire dungeon, Wondrin's dungeon, is set in a small hill. And on the other side of the hill, away from the main entrance, is this sort of rocky face. And in the rocky face, there's the entranceway there.

Do we need to open it? Yeah, it's sort of just a push in and then slide across, like fake wall type thing. Guys, what if it's trapped? I'll detect traps. Oh, okay. No, it looks clear. All right, let's fucking get in.

You open it and walk down. Okay, so it's completely dark here. Someone lights a torch, I assume. Do I have a torch? I have a torch. Don't bother to light the secret passage, unfortunately. I have a torch. I've got a lantern.

I'm going to use one of my torches. Okay. So you light a torch. Adam, I have here in my equipment something called sunrods. Oh, okay. A sunrod is, do you know, it's a flare. It's essentially a flare. Sick.

So you can use it to light your way and stuff like that. I have silk rope, guys. Silk rope? So do I. How good. Let's saw silk rope together and make a shirt. That's not our silk rope. It'll be a very low thread count shirt.

It would be less a shirt and more like mummy wrappings on your torso. Hey, you could sell it to a giant if you had enough for a giant, which you don't. Yes. Hey, we've got to have goals. Yeah, we've got fucking priorities. Aim high. What's the passage like?

We've lit a torch. It's roughly hewn. The floor is sort of smooth, so it's easier to walk. But judging from the sides, you'd think this place was either made in a hurry or made without much aesthetic design. Okay. It takes you an hour, but you get to the end. Yeah, it's a long fucking tunnel.

I'm so tired. You get to the end, and the passageway ends in, like, wooden boards that you know you can also push and slide across to get into the barracks. It might be trapped. Check the traps. I'm good at this. You find no traps.

Sick. Let's jiff through. One checks enough. Are you making any effort to be quiet? I am. Okay, good for you. Guys, let's just shut the fuck up. I'll just scout ahead a little.

So can I get marching order? So I guess Leo, you're in front. Who's next? I'll go at the end. Griff. Oh, okay. So Ainsley next and then Griff. Keep Ainsley in the middle.

She's the princess. Yeah. Also not a wizard. Also not a wizard. What are you actually? What's your class? Ranger. Ranger?

Oh, yeah, that's right. It's Ranger. Yeah, cool. Are you bow and arrow as well? I think so. And a long sword. You should be. A long bow and arrow as well? I think so, and a longsword. You should be... A longbow and a longsword.

You slowly, carefully slide the door open and you're staring into the barracks as it's marked on the map. There's eight beds. Four of them have sleeping orcs in them. Oh, no. Guys, I think I know what to do. Stab them in their sleep. I whisper and think I know what to do. Stab him in the sleep. I, like, whisper and pass that information on this four sleeping orcs.

What do we do? Stab him in the sleep. So I can make a block of wood. Yes, we know. Stab him in the sleep. That is one of my spells. What if I make a block of wood and just, like, drop it on his fucking head? All right.

That might possibly wound one of them. That's one of four dumb. I'll refrain. It might wake up one of them who will then wake up all four of them who will then attack us. I believe Paisley over here has the best idea. I'm sorry

I'm not listening to you. I just need to chastise him more. I'm going to say for the sake of your lives you close the door before you have this conversation Hang on, in the barracks when I got a look in was it full of swords and weapons and shit? The barracks?

Yeah, they have equipment at the bases of the beds Okay, what about this for a plan? You sneak in and get all of the swords and shit, we put them on the ground I have a spell called scatter spray that throws stuff just willy-nilly into a room. And then we just hope that those swords get the sleeping guards. We could take them all out at once. Leo, you have training as an assassin.

This is possibly the best situation you have. I know. Okay. I know. Okay. I just, again, Griff, that's loud. We only know that there are four orcs here. There could be 18 orcs somewhere else. You know there's eight beds. Only four of us have orcs.

I'm just going to go in there, slit some throats. Stab him in the sleep. Just let me. I got this. I got. You guys wait here I'm gonna have a little nap then You can have a little nap

Spin the lookout I'm gonna go in there Start Slip me some throats Whatever Okay after I've got After I've killed two maybe Hey Ainsley

You wanna get some of that bloodshed You come in Stab another one for me While I get the last guy Alright Alright Ainsley you're pretty stealthy as well You're not as good as

Leo, but, you know, you can sneak with the best of them if you need to. Alright. We're gonna stab some in the sink. Actually, even, like, even you, Chris, have had to... Let's not. I'm mad at them, so I'm staying in the tunnel. But you have had to hide

from your fair share of pissed-off lords. Yes, I have. Hey, your lordship, what if I was your court mage? Have a block of wood or lights. Off with his head. Oh, no. I could scatter all your belongings. Go up to this big banquet hall and I'm like, ta-da!

What was that dinner? I'm so sorry. Ta-da! The best part, Jackson, is even if it's dinner or something like that, it does damage. Oh, no, the potatoes! The chicken bone in his eye turns to look at him. Off with his head.

Oh, God. I'm sorry. I turned into the life of crime pretty much out of just necessity. I wish I was a good wisp. You call it necessity, I call it idiocy, but, you know. All right, let's let this rise. Sneak in. Yeah, you go unnoticed.

You creep up to one of them, and you just fucking go in with your dagger, I assume? Rapier. Rapier. That's right. I wanted two daggers, but I only have a rapier, Adam. Do you not have daggers? I've got it marked here that you have daggers. I'm not throwing daggers.

I could use them as stabby daggers. Yeah, do that. It's daggers. It's daggers. They work either way. Yes, dual wielding daggers. Okay. The first orc dies.

Just like you slit his throat from ear to ear. Yes. The first orc dies. Just like you slit his throat from ear to ear. Yes, hand over the mouth like a trained assassin. You don't really need to. You cut his windpipe first. He can't make a sound if he wanted to. I am good. You are good.

Why the hell were you kicked out of the guild? What the hell? The hell, Thieves Guild? Assassin's Guild? Whatever. That's the reason you joined the Thieves Guild. You're a great assassin. You're a bad thief. You just keep killing people.

You kill a second one without any much trouble. You're like, you're getting kind of creative now. You use two daggers and you like cut like two fucking semicircles in his throat. I'm starting to think why I might have been kicked out. Just too cocky. Arrogant. What if this? Ooh, there we go.

See? Cocky. You got a bit too cocky there. You're creeping up on the third one, and as you lean over to stab him, what languages do you know? Common, halfling, elven, and goblin. I know Orcish, though.

Yeah. Well, Jackson, you hear, Grog, is that you? In Orcish, and you see the Orc, like, roll over, open his eyes, and you're staring at each other. Stab him in the neck. Stab him in the neck. Stab him in the neck.

Stab him in the neck. Hang on, wait. We need to do initiative stuff now. Just a surprise, Blake. Just a... Oh, no, he goes first. Oh, no. He fucking...

He socks you in the jaw. Oh, no, he tries to. He swings, and you just, like, lean back, and he falls out of his bed. The other orc wakes up. Ali, get him, get him, get him, get him. Yes, the other one. I want to do the thing. Hang on, I've got to do my thing first.

Boy. Samit, you're you got cocky, mate. Flew too close. Can you imagine how easy this would have been had I just thrown swords at them? Can you imagine? We'd already be like at the end, living in wonder and this would have been had I just thrown swords at them. Can you imagine? We can do that next week. We'd already be like at the end,

living in wandering Norton's riches and maybe this could be our new house if we kill him. Yep. Leo, combat begins. You're first. Try and just... Just go at the guy at your feet? Yeah.

In the back. Oh, boy. Yeah,? Yeah. In the back. Oh, boy. Yeah, you stab him in the back. He's aware of you now, though, so you don't get your extra sneaky, sneaky damage. He wasn't aware of me before? When he was sleeping? No, he wasn't aware of you.

I figured when he woke up, he was now aware. As he's getting up, you, like, grab the back of his fucking shirt. You just place your rapier delicately on, like, the back of his. Yeah, the nape of his neck. And you just push slowly downwards. He's got graphic really quickly. Yeah. There's not a lot of blood on your end, but, like, he goes limp in your arms.

Nice. Hey, just one last go. And, Kriff, it's your turn. Oh, that's right. I'm about. You can just keep sleeping. Fucking moron. You can just keep sleeping in your little nook if you want,

or you can participate. All right, look, I'll open the door from where I am. Yeah. What's about? Like nearby. Near to you? There's a, one of the beds is right next to you

with one of the chests. The bed is uninhabited though. Okay. Is there like anything small enough to throw? Well, the chest is closed, so you can't really tell. A pillow? Yeah, a pillow.

I'd like to use one of my spells, which is launch item, which is pretty self-explanatory, on the pillow at the final orc you use magic to participate in the world's most metal pillow fight yes yes

hey he might get distracted as he rises the pillow sucks him in the fucking face yes it does it with enough force to cause damage oh my god that's the best he falls over unconscious

he's not dead but you knocked him unconscious I just like stroll in and I'm like imagine if that had been swords I can't believe that worked do you want to just kill him, guys? Or do I have to do everything? No rolls.

You just kill him. I'm a little upset right now. Yeah, we'll just... All three of us can stab him in the throat. Jointly. As a bonding exercise. You cut him up into different types of meat. Yeah.

Gross. Sick. So you're in the barracks now. The map shows that there's two doors here, and you see two doors here. One goes to the throne room, and the other one goes into the main entryway. The main entryway has nothing for you,

possibly more enemies, if anything else. Can I just have a quickly sneaky look in the main entry to see if there is any villains well, we're the villains, any guards? You very carefully, very quietly open the door

and as soon as the door is open, just even a slight amount, you just hear... ..and shuffling feet and you see through the crack undead guards just doing a slow patrol in the area. How many? There's maybe six of them.

All right, close that door. Best not. Best not. Best not. Best not. All right. Guys, six undead guards. Don't worry about that. Throne room? Throne room's going to have the treasure. Oh, I think it is.

If I was a king, that's where I'd keep my treasure. And myself. Ooh, check for traps. You find no traps on this door. All right, have a sneaky look in. Have a sneaky look in. I assume, once again, Leo's doing this, right? Yeah.

No, not me. I'd be like, what's in there? Okay. So as you open the door, you just fucking curse yourself. It just... Damn, damn, damn, damn balls. There was a bunch of goblin guards in the throne room. They were lax and just lazing about at their posts. But when they hear that, they turn around and one of them spots you.

Can I throw a dagger at his face? Fuck yes, you can. Oh, yes. Samet, fucking crit. Critical hit. Tongue piercing. Do you want to explain what a critical hit is for our listeners?

And me. And us, yeah. So attacks work like this. Do you want to explain what a critical hit is for our listeners? And me. And us, yeah. So attacks work like this. You roll to hit someone, and if you're successful, you roll damage. Once in a blue moon, when you're rolling to hit someone, if you do exceptionally well, not only do you hit them, but you do a critical hit dealing extra damage.

I've got a special set of cards here that tell me what happens when you get a critical hit. All right. The title for this one is Tongue Piercing. So you pin with your dagger his tongue to the bottom of his fucking mouth. Oh, my God. This got so graphic so quickly. Good. Oh, my God.

This got so graphic so quickly. Yeah. Good. The fucking goblin. He was the only one who saw you as well. Like the other goblins see that he's got like the fucking thing and they're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And he's just hopping on the spot. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

And he's trying to say what he wants to say, but his tongue is pierced to the bottom of his mouth. And he just points in your direction. Damn. I was going to say, can I signal to Amy? I'll give you guys still surprise, so you guys can all, well, except you, because you already threw a fucking dagger. Okay.

Jack, Chris, you can do something if you want. You saw Leo just throw a dagger through the thing and you can hear a commotion. You can hear goblins. You speak goblins. I speak goblin. You can hear them saying, what is it? What is it?

Yes. I'd like to close the door. And then cast Silent... Wait, no. Damn. Never mind. I'll close the door, but I'll use Silent Portal on it,

which is another spell that makes it quiet. They'll never know. Okay. Everyone hide. And Ainsley. I just got to shake my head. Fair enough. Things have gone awry.

Adam, I'd like to hop in one of the beds and hide, please. Yeah, the top bunks. Bunks. Are they not in bunks? Orcs always sleep in bunks. Orcs sleep in bunk beds. I pictured them in bunk beds. They're single beds.

Can we make it into a bunk bed and then sleep on the top bunk? Okay, so you guys are going to have to slow down so you can fight the goblins, you can make bunk beds, or you can hide in the beds. Hide in the beds and then we're hidden and we can attack them from the beds. Jackson, you're first. You try to hide in a bunk bed.

God damn it. You can hide in the bed. I guess I'll do all the work. I'll just hide next to the beds. Jackson, you're first. You try to hide in a bunk bed. God damn it. I guess I'll do all the work. I'll just hide next to the door. You hide next to the door? Yeah. And what are you doing, Ainsley? I think I'm gonna... You get like a turn to prepare yourself, because they're coming. God, they are coming. I'm going to bunk bed.

Okay, Ainsley. You... Oh, my are coming. Make bunk beds. Okay, Ainsley. You, oh my fucking God. You lift, you are half of the way to making a bunk bed. You have lifted, you can't properly lift it, it's too heavy. You pick up one of them and drag it. And you've got like, you know, the posters. You've got like two posters aligned. Two posts aligned.

Oh, boy. The door opens and the goblin who you skewered through the tongue steps into the room. You get a free attack on him. Oh, so straighten the back with the dagger. Oh, God. So, like, what happens is the door opens, and you try to stab at him, but the door smacks you in the fucking face.

Oh, God. And you stumble instead. Oh, boy. The goblins step into the room. One of them... Oh, wait. Oh, no, they see you as well. That's right.

Oh, really? You're building a bunk bed, Ainsley. We have these in the palace. They'll love them. You did not have bunk beds in the palace. You had four poster beds in the palace. Bunk beds, bunk beds. Maybe that's why I'm laughing back

because I kept turning. There is like a long list of reasons you are not allowed. Leo, three goblins attack you. Oh, no. We fucked you over. So much. Two goblins hit you with little spears.

They jab into your chest. Piece of shit. You take a total of one point from one of them. It's just like a light graze. And then three from the other. So four points total. What a fucking... How dare they defend themselves.

And Ainsley, two of them attack you. They're throwing javelins. How many are there? There's five total. Oh, no. Oh, sorry. One of them attacked you and critically fumbled. I'll get to that in a second.

Oh, boy. They throw javelins at you, Ainsley. One of them misses and just strikes the bed next to you, but the other one hits you in the back. You feel this searing pain. Oh, my goodness. Ainsley, you take four points of damage as well. It's a well-placed shot.

She's a princess. I know. Who would do that? Ainsley, I want you to know that you are also the party tank with the most hit points. This is going to go well, guys. Okay, so, Leo, one of the goblins who attacked you critically fumbled, which is obviously the opposite of a critical success.

I've got a deck of cards for that as well. Catastrophic failure. Oh, boy. Okay, so the door smacks off you, rebounds into this goblin, and he just falls head over heels unconscious. Awesome.

Okay, that puts it at Ali's turn. Sorry, Ainsley. I think I might shoot them. Yeah, you think you might? Maybe it's a time to hop in your dreams of a bunk bed and just stop building that bunk bed. Maybe help out a little. Because when in ever has a bunk bed helped combat?

It could have been once this time. It could have been this time. She could have made a real good distracting line. I know. Whip around with your longbow, draw an arrow. Yes. And for one heart-stopping second, the drawstring makes this creaking sound like it's going to snap.

No, it's not because I'm super strong. It's because you're strong that it's going to snap. Oh, boy. You just let go of the arrow immediately rather than snapping the drawstring, but because of that, you miss. The arrow goes wild. And we are back

to Griff. Griff, I'd like to just like sneakily from the bed, take my light crossbow out and shoot the guy. Also, can I get Jigglelump to attack a dude? I'll be like Jigglelump, who I have killed off my Jigglelump, just fuck up some Yeah, sure. I'll be like, jiggle-ump, who I have killed off my chest. Jiggle-ump, just fuck up some guns.

Okay, so you're like hiding underneath one of the beds. When you take the light crossbow out, you hit the crown. Damn. You fire the crossbow, though. You hit one of them. Oh, boy. Oh, yeah, one of the goblins, like, takes it to the throat. Yeah.

Fucking Leo, this spray of vile goblin blood just splashes you in the face. In my mouth. Yeah. Spit that shit out. And the goblin falls over. And your cat, Jiggle Lump. Come on, Jiggle Lump. Goes for the kill.

Save the day. Jiggle Lump, go're a cat. Yes, Jiggle Lump. Come on, Jiggle Lump. I want Jiggle Lump to save the day. Jiggle Lump, go for the kill. It's like on the goblin, but the goblin doesn't notice. It's like on the goblin's arm, but it's like so intent on Leo that it's just not looking at the... The cat isn't doing. It's a cat, Jiggs. It's a very fat cat.

Maybe he notices that his throwing arm is a little heavier because of a fat cat, but he doesn't notice much else. Oh, damn. I got one guy. Leo, it's your turn. Three dudes left. I have three dudes left. The guy with the...

Yeah, the guy with the tongue pinned is the one who's still... He's got the cat on his arm. Poor guy. Do I want to take out one of the guys who's attacking me? The guy with the, yeah. Oh, boy. Well, another critical, yeah, another critical hit. Yes!

Because I'm a champion of the world. Ragged wound. Poor guy. It's not his day. ragged wound so you stab him in the chest and when you bring your rapier out you see it's like his wound is just spurting blood he looks down at you

he looks down at the wound looks up at you and he just staggers a little bit. And his last word, why? He falls over and dies. Oh no. Okay. Two goblins.

One of them spins around to face you guys and throws another javelin, but one of them still tries to get at you Ainsley. He gets right up at you with his spear and tries to stab you. He hits you. Ainsley's just getting speared to fuck.

You take two points of damage. That's alright. Ainsley's fucking... She decided to build a bunk. It's kind of her fault. I kind of don't have any sympathy. You threw a pillow at someone. I knocked a guy out with a pillow, so. Leo, a javelin just sails over your head harmlessly.

Good. This is what the issues are with being not tall. Wait, the opposite. This is the issues of being tall, which I don't have in real life. I'm a small little man. True. True. Okay, that puts it at Ainsley's turn. I'm going to shoot him.

With your bow and arrow? Yeah, but not get too excited because then I almost broke the bow last time. You, like, take a step backwards because using a bow and arrow when he's right up in your face is kind of a disadvantage to you. That's my idea. You hit him with the idea. Maybe. You hit him with your bow. Yes.

And you fell on him. You just like, you take a step back, but it's still essentially point blank range. Yes. You just fire straight into his dumb little face. Yes. Oh my God. He's not getting up from that Yes Oh boy

Okay And Griff There's one guy left, yeah? Yeah, one guy left One shaking, scared little goblin Pillow nearby? Pillow to the face

No, it misses The pillow like sails over his head. The goblin looks at you like with this strange mixture of terror and confusion. Like goblins are scared of magic, but like you just made a pillow fly at him. Spooked goblin. I'll give you a free intimidation check for that Yes Spooky magic

Little goblin fella Yeah, he looks pretty scared actually Yes And Leo Good Just try it Is he near me? You can just step forward and attack him

Alright, just step forward If I can. All right, just step forward. If I can get behind him and just, like, just throw it from behind. You wouldn't be able to get behind him. Yeah, you can stab. You can still try. You can still try. I want to, like, hug you, but I love you. Oh, God.

I can't believe this. What the fuck? Samma gets another crit. Tenacious wound. Tenacious D. these goblins. You, yeah, I don't even need to roll damage for this one. You just leap forward with your rapier outstretched. You skewer him through the eye.

He doesn't die straight away, and that's the worst thing. Oh, boy. He's just on the end of your rapier. I lean in and kiss him in the forehead. Oh gross. You come away and you've got this like string of

spittle between you two. Because he's like drooling blood right now. You withdraw your rapier and he just falls over like a sack of potatoes. Alright. Good job, gang.

Okay, you're clear. Can we search the bodies and also the bodies of the orcs and just the room? Because we forgot to do that. Someone to health. I'm a little bit parched. We got a health potion. Let's drink all're saying is here.

Yeah. Let's drink all of them at once. Mix them all together. Yes. Make a super cocktail. Make a health stew. Yes. Then we could put rations in it. Oh, that sounds good.

It's like a protein bath. Yes. Between the orcs and the goblins you like just loot coin purses you find maybe 120 gold pieces oh my god we are so rich how do we divide that? this is also going through the chest

just want to have someone just to keep tally a mutual party 120 was it? who's the best at math between me and you I'm just excluding Jack 125 GP 120, was it? Yeah. 120. Who's the best at math between me and you, Ali? I'm just excluding Jack because... 125, GP, 9SP. No, only one person can write this gold

because that's how item duplication errors occur. So who's the best at math? Ali? I do economics. Yep, Ali, good at math. Ali is now our treasurer. And 32 gold. What I like is you kidnapped Ainsley,

and now she's in charge of your money. She's one of the team, man. She's part of the group. We bathe together. They don't want her back. They don't want me anywhere. They're trying to kill him. We're all just looking for a place to belong

I know Adam has his head in his hands so I have 9 gold to add to that pile yeah I've got 5 gold to add to that pile any gold you guys start with you can just hold on to any gold you get off enemies you can pull

I'm just pulling everything I'm keeping that six copper I trust Aang's I don't trust anyone while you're searching you go into the throne room and there's all these like elaborately carved pillars columns

in the throne room the columns are like statues as well and they depict a fight between a man and a dragon. In the early ones, it's like the dragon is bearing down on him and he's just keeping it off with his shield. But as

it goes on, he pushes the dragon back and in the final one, he skewers the dragon with his sword. Awesome. You know what's going to happen after he kills that dragon? He's going to make an awesome leather jacket out of that. Yes. And he's going to go sell a map to some adventurers. Sell it for seven copper.

No, he sold that jacket to you for two golds. And then we sold it for six copper. We're at a loss, guys. Somehow that jacket was just enchanted so that you wanted it. God, we wanted that jacket. So bad. All right. There's nothing in the throne room?

The throne itself is just made of stone. Nothing like, well, it's well worked, but it's part of the floor, so you wouldn't be able to remove it. I have a sit. Okay. I have a sit and I'm like, guys, this is what it'd be like if I was king. Oh my god, you look the best. Everybody bow to me. Let's just pretend.

My dad had one of those. Pum. Pum Pruf. Lord of the realm. You two spent... Yes. Let's play pretend whilst playing pretend. Pretend-ception. No recursion, please.

Okay. While you guys are sitting around pretending like Jackson is king, you hear some grunting. Who's this Jackson? Griff. Griff. Griff. Griff.

Griff. Griff. Griff. Griff. Griff. Griff. You hear some deep voices off the side where the map says the

officer's quarters is. Jackson, you know Orcish, so you hear they haven't reported in for a while. I'm sure everything's fine. Guys, we're good. Continue playing. Guys, you fucking

a-holes. The door to the... Guys, you fucking a-holes. The door to the officer's quarters opens and two fucking giant-looking orc-like creatures step out. Oh, no. None of you fuckers have ever seen something like this before. It looks like an orc on steroids. Important question. Who's currently on the throne?

Yeah. Because they will see them. I'm going to say you are. You are Leo. Damn. Okay. Tell me a little bit later. Do you want to quickly broth them before I roll for initiative?

I'm like, hello, my loyal subjects. Yeah. Do you want to quickly broth them before I roll for initiative? I'm like, hello, my loyal subjects. Yeah, they're... I'm going to drink a health potion. Very good ideas. We'll all have cheers to your good health and we'll all drink health potions. Yes, I've not lost any health. Oh, well, none for you then.

I'll drink to your health, Leo. Thanks. We're going to your health, Leo. Thanks. We're going to drink health potions while the orcs look at us. So, Leo, you get to act first. What do you want to do? They draw weapons. Oh, I haven't drunk my health potion yet? You want to do that?

Yeah, we're drinking to his good health. We're still having this little role play as me king. This is nice. Okay. You drink the health potion and your sores re-knit themselves. You feel good as new. Sick. So do we get all our hit points back?

Well, Leo does. Ainsley, most of your wounds re-knit themselves and you feel your blood returning somehow. Oh, good. Having a spear to you. You still have some pretty bad bruising and some damage still to your back. That was a pretty bad wound.

So how many does she gain? You regain all of your hit points. Ainsley regains four of her six lost hit points. So you're on two hit points now. Sorry, you're on seven. Neat. This is why I do the math and you don't. I don't think I've ever had

a player get shitty at me for maths. Usually it's the other way around. It doesn't feel great. I think I'm going to kill you now. And probably your character. You're getting angered out, God. Brain aneurysm. Aneurysm, aneurysm, heart attack.

Oh, no. Okay. So anyway, Leo, it's your turn. You're first. You're still sitting on the throne. You want to get up and do something about these guys? Throne, I'm throwing. I was going to say, can I disappear into some sort of puff of smoke?

But I don't think I can do that, can I? Yeah, Jackson. Some of you have the item smoke stick. Anyone who has the item smoke stick, that's essentially what that's for. I do. I have the item smoke stick. I do not. You can probably.

Grappling hook. All right. Grapple them. Grapple hook one of them in the face. Oh, my God. Samit, you got this. What is it? A critical hit!

Yay! I don't fucking believe it! I am just magic. What the actual fuck? What does my magic hands do? You fucking hell. You throw the grappling hook. It's not attached to your rope, by the way.

And the lead orc, it clocks him in the chest. He doubles over and you hear the air leave his lungs. And he just starts... He just starts wheezing on the spot. The other orc pushes past him and charges you, Leo. Oh, boy. Well done. Well done.

Grappling hook to the chest. Good work. Solid move. He's got this big fuck off mace thing. And he just clocks you on the head with it. Well, I went out like a champ. You did. You had a good time.

And how dead am I? You take... Oh, you've got the four points of damage back. All right, back to two. Lucky I drank that health potion. Yes. You done He hits you on the head

And Ainsley and Kriff You both see just like blood Squish out of Leo's ears Nose, eyes and mouth It's just like Just a blood comet Right now Have the

Brigand ship Oh boy From my cocky brain dead That's not funny. Have the brigand ship. Oh, boy. I went from like cocky to braided. You flew too close to the sun. That's what's happening. Damn it, Icarus. So let's just leave all that there. And the listeners can join us next time when we continue D&D is for Nerds.

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