D&D is For Nerds - Welcome to Ogg Nott #22 A Priest, a Necromancer and a Mourning Son

Episode Date: December 6, 2015

Welcome to Ogg Nott Season 1In which our heroes collect on their contracted kill. We exterminate an old man, Greyson takes Jiggalump for a much needed poop and end up murdering another old man. Krif searches for non-existent archers, Princess Ansley only aims at the priest and Leo is very dedicated to drawing a macabre smiley face. So wonder about the state of things and join our party as they try to get a full refund. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

San Spence Radio, weirdly existential. Hi, it's Adam here. Are you a massive fan of D&D is for Nerds? Also, do you love the 80s? Well, if both of those things are true, we got you covered. We've teamed up with Audiobooksontape.com, one word, to put all of D&D is for Nerds Season 1, that's 25 episodes,

some of which haven't been released to the public yet, plus plus an exclusive 5th Ed Adventure where Jackson plays a fuckwit, Joel plays a fuckwit, and some other fuckwits come in to play fuckwits. I hate them

all. Sorry, anyway. Once you've bought it, you also get for free and in addition. This is how much we goddamn love you. You also get a free digital download of everything on the cassette tape. So you can listen to it straight away. That's audiobooksontape.com. One word.

Follow the links or click the URL in our show notes. And just letting you know, all the money raised from the USB cassette tapes, all of it goes to our very own beautiful, healthy baby pug Ruddiger. My God, look at him. He's on the table now. We're going to get you a dog house. We're going to get you a dog house. Adam, why is there a dog in the studio? Shut up! That's unhygienic. You lock me in here, I get to decorate the room! Yeah, that seems fair.

Oh wait, one more thing. Before you get to the adventure, we've also got a Redbubble store. Just go to redbubble.com slash people slash Sandspans Radio. All of them individually individually one word. You can check out our awesome merchandise, including a brand new and inspired by the Beatles, but legally speaking, not directly copied from, design, D&D, let it be.

Also, I think there's a Jiggle Lump t-shirt. I'm super, super really happy about that one because it makes Jackson mad. Anyway, onwards to the show. There's nothing sadder than a group of adults sitting around a table making up names for their gnomish bard. But that is exactly what we're doing today. Welcome to episode 22 of D&D is for Nerds. As always, I'm Joel Zammett playing the part of Leo Shadow. Opposite me, we have Jackson B. Bailey playing the part of Crim Pom Pom Criff. Yeah!

Criff Pom Pom Criff. Yeah. Criff Pom... Hmm. Jackson is here and next to him, Ali Kathleen playing the part of Ainsley Foggyfeather. Sure am. And of course, our illustrious DM, Adam Capital Gains Tax. Why... Shut up, Adam! Previously on

D&D is for Nerds. Bats! Wee! Leo got cocky again. Balls to the wall is how you play D&D is for Nerds. Bats! Balls to the wall is how you play D&D. Angely. He's got what's known as red egg. He's gonna get gross. Prepare yourself for that. Can I help you? We need your help, sir. We will negotiate a price.

Six silver pieces? I assume it's the same amount as pickling a head? Can we do like an errand or something for you? No, I need a man kill. So we're going to kill Sergio. Yeah. All right, cool. Priest beats you on the draw.

Oh no. An arrow hits you in the back. Oh no! We should be cleverer. Bad news out of the way. Here's the good news. He is taking damage. Yes.

Hey, sick. So he leaps on you to try and grab you with his hand. I hug him back. No, you skewer him with your rapier. Yes. Sick. He takes three more points of damage. What is baby boy Leo on?

Old sores open up Your gums start to bleed You take 3 points of damage This is bad This is bad We should have I feel like this is one of those times Like when we get out of this

If we get out of this We need to sit down and talk about like Just leaping into things And how you can stop doing that Ironically enough when you said that When you were talking I thought you were going to be like We need to sit down and talk about

which NPCs we want to keep alive. Because at this point, I'm like, we could just go home, guys. But then you're going, maybe we shouldn't leap into things. That's exactly what I did. Back to negative three. Guys! I'm trying to get a help potion to you.

Leo and then Ainsley. Skewer the priest again. Try stabbing him again. Try stabbing him. He's no longer surprised. He knows you're there. He knows what's happening. But you hit him anyway.

Good. Dealing another two points of damage. Ah, yes. Fight on a staircase. Ainsley? I am going to continue to try and get up the wall so that I can pass a health potion. Oh, you can just climb in now.

Yeah, I'm going to do that. You've made the difficult part. Give Pum that I can pass a health potion. Oh, you can just climb in now. I'm going to do that and give Pum Pum Kriff a health potion. Which one? The Kriff one. I think we only have light wounds. Oh, you only have light? Okay. There are different types of health potions that restore different amounts. We have two left. We have two health potions of light wounds left.

You going to give him one? Yes! I shot him in the back. Like Jigga Lump does on the metaphorical case. You're on seven hit points now. Oh, good. Do I wake one? Yes, I shot him in the back. Like Jigga Love does on the metaphorical case. You're on seven hit points now. Oh, good. Do I wake up? No, but if Ainsley wants to on her next turn, she can wake you up. Thank you.

I would also like to take the arrow out of his back. Do you do that before or after the health potion? After. After? After you give him the health potion? After. After? After you give him the health potion? Yeah, you're on six, Jackson. God damn it, Angelique.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I thought, I don't know what I thought. I panicked. Have some cure. Oh, you've got an arrow in your back.

Let me get that for you. Oh my God, oops. I'm so sorry. It's the priest's turn. I hate priests. He tries to hug you again. That's nice, you know. You say cuddly.

I'm just looking for a cuddle. He fails to hug you and you fail to stab him. Good. Well, that's... Awkward stare dancers are like that. Jackson, you remain unconscious. Sure do. I'm going to...

Leo. Nope. Sorry, you're right after Leo. Rapier him. I'm going to punch everyone from now punch everyone You deal two points of damage Ainsley, wake him up You're just like peppering him with holes I'm gonna wake

He wakes What do you want to do now? I would like to say immediately Oh my god, someone's shooting arrows around here Okay This is a believable lie We should get them I think it's a priest

Let's go And then I help him up And then we're gonna go downstairs You can see the priest is still upstairs You can fire arrows at him now Are we all on the same level? Yeah Well

Technically he's on the stairs He's head down a Yeah Trap door right? The priest is like looking down the trap door to the bottom level. On the stairs is fucking Leo. And he's like looking down on him on the stairs. And I'm going to say to Kriff, like, let's go.

Let's get him. Arrows or sword? Punch him in the back of the head, Ainsley. Arrows. Arrows. Rapid shot? Yes, but I'm only going to aim at him. There's no one else.

Unless you wanted to plant another arrow in Gryff. You hit him twice. Yes! Thwick, thwick. Yeah, you kill him. Finally, guys. Oh, my God, thank God. Let's cut off his head and bring it to the other priest.

And then I would like to say to Griff At no point did the other priest ask you to do that I know, but we should I would like to say to Griff We should look for the other person shooting arrows Like we did to Markov in the Dancing Lights

I search for the other person shooting arrows and then once he has a look around from my lips with all these souls i kind of go maybe it was a trap i don't know what you're saying leo where are these arches i'm not gonna roll there's no arches to fight i like had the dice in my hand and I'm like, wait, there's no... You fell into her trap too. All right, I'll chop off the guy's head. Yeah, have you tried? With what blade?

Maybe you should only have a... Longsword. I'm going to give it another red hot shot with a longsword. Hey, you're doing all right. Yes, finally. The one time we don't have to. It looks like the person and everything. Oh, yay. The one time we don't have to. It looks like the person in everything. Oh, yay.

Sick. I'm just going to do a quick search around his house to see if we can steal anything. Loot, loot, loot. We're running out of money. Loot, loot, play that loot. If this guy makes us pay 25 gold, we will have six gold left. Because I need probably to help him cure my face and sores.

Oh, yeah, just cut, drink everything. The guy across the road will help you, though. Should be able to help you. He's a necromancer. When you said the guy across the road, I thought you meant the guy you just killed. And I got a bit confused. He'll help us.

Oh, wait, no. Hey, God, give me his head. Can you help us? No, I can't. I can't help you. I can't help you at all. It's a really fun game. Please try it.

It's like I'm a new ventriloquist. Oh, God. Do I have ventriloquist skills, Adam? Have a look. Do I have performance? What was the name of my feat that lets me fuck shit up? Among his belongings, like rooting through both the lower and upper parts of the store, you find a hundred gold pieces.

Oh, my God. Yes. Rich bitch. Oh, I God, yes. Rich bitch. Oh, I didn't need to write it all again. I just need to put a one in front of everything. Guys, I just want to kind of point something out. Yeah? So we could have just robbed this guy.

Yeah. Like, I could have just gone up there invisible, robbed him, gotten $100 and just paid the guy. Yeah. Like, we did this for five gold, effectively. Like, I'm just letting you know. We killed this for five gold, effectively. I'm just letting you know. We killed this dude.

But I mean, if I'm looking over our expenditure, right? So I've taken a potion of Cure Light Wounds, which is like six gold. You were going to do that anyway. Well, no, I wasn't. Somebody shot me in the back with an arrow. I don't know who that was. I'm just saying that our expenses are stopping matching up. Let's forward an idea. We don't know who that was. I'm just saying there are expenses of stopping matching up.

Let's afford an idea. We get Grayson healed. Okay. And then we kill that guy and steal from him. How about we just rob that guy? Yeah. And you find a masterwork longbow.

A what? Sitting on like a mantle is a very exquisitely made longbow. You think it may be to be of elven make? Oh my god, take it. I just wanted to rob him. It's a masterwork longbow. Master. Masterwork.

Master and then work. Just put them together. And then longbow. Well, I thought it was masterwood and I'm like, that would make sense because it's probably made out of wood. But then you started using other words and I got very confused. It was a distressing time for all. From the look of it, you fancy this to be worth quite a lot of money.

You're not sure exactly how much, but possibly upwards of 400. But do you get better attack bonuses? Yeah. Well, if anyone uses it, they get a plus one bonus to hit their enemies. You should use it. Yeah, well, let's sell the old bow. Damn right. Won't be worth as much, but, you know.

Whatever. We're still ahead. You have a lot of weapons, just looking at your character sheet. I do. Well, a rapid shot isn't a weapon. Oh, no, that's just a thing. Yeah, true. I just have two. I have a spear I've literally never used. No, you used it once just a thing. Yeah, true. I just have a long bow. I just have two. I have a spear I've literally never used. No, you used it once. Did I?

Yeah. Very early on. Speared a guy, I think. I might start using... No, you know what? Fistie cuffs, though. I'll sell it. I'm just using my fists from now on.

I didn't sell my crossbow. So what's the plan from here? So, yeah, do we want to go over there, get Grayson cured? And then rob him? And then kill the guy and rob him? And we'll talk about that, but I think we'll just rob him. Because you're invisible. Yeah. Am I still invisible, Adam? him. Because you're invisible. Yeah.

Am I still invisible, Adam? No, when you try to hurt... Oh, wait. What spell did you cast again? No, you tried to punch him. That's when you turn invisible. Yeah, true. Okay, we'll take his head.

The priest who just killed his head across to the other priest. No, you don't need to knock the door. He's just leaning in the door frame. He seems quite amused by the door frame. He seems quite amused by the whole thing. We got it. I wish you had not done that. What? Separate the head. Why?

I wish to make this man a zombie. Oh, well, you can sew it up. You didn't tell us that. It's okay. No, I did. I just I'm just saying. Anyway. I'm not Okay, I'll write it But he's a hard to carry

Old priest number one Who I forgot your name Sergei And this is Sergio Pay attention, Ainsley Anyway, can you heal up our friend here? We'll give him 25 gold No, we did

We killed this guy So we didn't have to pay him I thought that was for the extra five I heal your friend Grayson But anything else is Still costs money Okay That's alright I don't but anything else is still costing me. I don't mean anything else.

Want to heal my face? Oh, yeah, that's true. I can do this. How much for the healing of the face? I'd say 15. Oh, my God. You'll heal up with a nap. Guys, I'm going to, like, elbow Leo and then wink at him and then be like, I'm going to rub him.

It's fine. Okay. All right. Yeah, yeah. Thank you rob him. It's fine. Okay. All right. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, sir. Thanks. 15 it is. Okay.

Give him 15 gold. We'll pay everything to heal us all up full. Yeah. We're getting it back. Presumably. Definitely without fail. Yes. Wait.

Okay. So it's free to heal Grayson. Let's just heal us all up to full strength and then we kill him. Then we'll kill him, take his money, hopefully get another

masterwork weapon. That'd be nice. Masterwork fists! Okay, so for 15 gold he'll cast light wounds once. So you're paying him the gold and who's receiving the spell? Everybody.

That's 15 each time. Yeah, that's fine. We're getting it back. That's fine. And we'll do it until we're healed. How much damage have you taken, Leo? Three. Leo, three.

You're fully healed. So let me just mark down, just in case for some reason you don't get your money back, how much you're paying. Oh, I'm sure we will. Ainsley, you're sitting at nine still. Am I right? Thirteen, because I drank a potion. That's right, you did.

There you go. I can do math. Sure can. You heal nine in the first casting. So you're up to 22. Do you want him to heal you again? we're getting the cash back so you're fully healed now I'm on 6

so this is going to take a while 6 you recover I'm on 12 then 9 you recover I was waiting for you to put a number there. I'm like, that's really easy to add there. Jackson, are you going to say? Nope.

Okay, good. The listeners don't know if I know or not. I don't. Two, you recover. Okay. Do you want him to heal you again? Yeah, until I'm fully healed. Okay.

We're getting the cash back. So you get that one hit point back. Worth it. And you'm fully healed. Okay. We're getting the cash back. So you get that one hit point back. Worth it. And you're fully healed. So that is... That cost us 105 gold pieces. Awesome. Whatever.

And is Grayson now fully healed as well? Yeah, Grayson's good as well. Cool. So I'm behind him, yeah? Grayson stepped out while he was healing you guys. Grayson is not in on your plan. I'm behind the necromancer, yeah? Why are you behind him?

Like, or to the side of him a little bit. Like, subtly moved. Do you want to say that you do that? As he's healing the rest of you, as he's healing you one at a time, the other ones can wander around. Yeah, I'm going to get into prime attack mode. Okay, yeah, you can

put yourself... I rape him in the back of the neck. Hang on. Yeah, okay. You can get so that it's like Jackson, him, you in like a line. And then Ainsley, where do you want to be?

Sorry. Jackson? Who's Jackson? I mean, Kriff. I want to be at the front. I want to be at the front so it's kind of like I've got his attention. That's alright. Jackson's... Kriff is the last one being healed. That's alright, I'll go to the side. Jackson's... No, no, I've just got to heal up. Griff is the last one being healed. I've just got to heal up.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, side. Okay, are you drawing a close-range weapon as well, Lanesway? Yes, yeah, I will. Okey-dokey. Rape him in the neck. Rape him in the neck.

If we all do it at the same time, we'll see what's coming. You rape him in the neck. You stab him in the side. I'll punch him in the jaw. Done. You hit him. You're welcome.

Leo. Society, I guess. We fell very hard to the pirate life. Dealing 11 points of damage. Yeah, I know. Like, we came here and immediately were like crying. Uh, Ainsley, you attack him with your long sword. Come on, 12.

Hitting him as well. Oh my god, yes. This poor guy. He's like, I hear you are poor. Why? Uh, dealing six points of damage. He's not a nice guy. He wanted like, I hear you are poor. Why? Dealing six points of damage. He's not a nice guy. He wanted us to kill the competition.

Yeah, it's rude. Which makes me kind of giggle because we've killed this pirate hounds only to heal us, I'm assuming. Chris, what are you doing? Punching him in the jaw. You will hit him as well. Yes, I do. Dealing three points of damage.

There you go. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Dealing three points of damage. There you go. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And then what? And then what? Add them. He looks hurt. Yeah. Like, physically and then, like, emotionally.

Now we go to initiative. Okay. He's not dead. I just thought maybe this would be really easy. What's Grayson doing? Grayson's outside. He hasn't noticed what's happened yet. Did we even let him in?

Grayson's having a sneaky smoke. We just put him outside with Jiggle Up. We're like, Grayson, just wait outside a moment. Guys, you've got to do toilet stops. Go on. Jiggle Up. Go on. Jiggle Up.

You take Jiggle Up and help him poop, Grayson. Leo, you're first. Tommy. Want to stab him again? He's raping him in that back again cause I'm doing sneak attack yeah yeah you are

I feel sort of bad you still do you do one more sneak attack on him you hit him you sneak attack and you teal what's that 7 plus 5

12 damage oh Jesus and now he's dead yay let's take our money back for once yeah we'll take our money back back to 131 gold pieces.

And then we search his store for stuff. Come on, health questions. You start searching, and then the trap door opens, and a man with a longsword comes down. Some guy's killed your master? Looks to be his son. Guys, this is becoming too much. Now we're breaking up a family.

I think we don't. Oh, no. Now we're killing his son. He looks at you, Jackson, and he prays for his God to strike you with holy might. No. No, no, no, no, no. I guess he's standing really close to Jackson. Guys!

The rest of the party. Before he starts finishing his sentence, I want to be like, hey, guy, want to come on an adventure and be our resident priest? Hey! Best friends forever? It's a great intro to a guy whose dad you just killed. A bolt of lightning spears through the house and strikes the three of you.

Oh, no. And we'll be... Okay, all right. I got a new plan. We deserve that. We'll be on our way. Leo, you take 14 points of damage. Sorry, sir.

Ow. Whoops. Ainsley, you take 14 points of damage. Oh, this sucks so much. Our master plan. Griff, you take seven. Oh, you hit me directly. I took 14 points, was it?

Yes. I'm on 14. No, wait. No, I'm not.. I took 14 points, was it? Yes. I'm on 14. No, wait, no, I'm not. You're on four. My math bad, then. Too good, guys. Only on seven. Okay.

All right. Okay. I'm going to keep the same initiative as last time. That's fine. Can Grayson be aware that we are in trouble? I'm going to yell. Grayson knows something's happened now. All good.

The lightning. Leo, it's your turn first, though. All right. Rapier. This is such lightning. Running up to him will be your entire turn. He's at the top of the stairs. Just do it, mate.

Whatever. Slingshot. Slingshot. Oh, nice. You miss. Ding. Poop. You don't miss badly, but you miss.

You're, like, swinging it around, and as you release, Kriff's head, like, bobs into the way, and you're like, ah, ah, ah, ah. You just, like, have to release. My head is pretty much like I planned, from being, like, healed and awesome and on our way to just now dead, almost.

I'll throw my spear at him. What type of spear is it? Just spear? Just spear. Cool. Range, increment 20 feet. You miss. Shit, guys. Shit. You heft it and throw. It strikes the staircase beneath him.

He looks down at it, looks up at you. I've just opened and closed my mouth. He nods. He accepts that. It's his turn. He accepts it. Like, it's all right, mate.

It's all right. Hey, it happens to the best of us. I feel like we're all going to die. Well, yeah. Yeah, pretty much. How many moves does the priest have? It's his turn He points at you, Kriff And commands his god

To smite you down with holy light This time, as opposed to lightning Oh my god, guys Loses his first what? A bolt of energy Strikes you in the chest Oh my god You take seven points of damage

Evening you with the rest of the group. Yeah. And now it is Ainsley's turn. Ainsley, use your masterwork bow. Oh, yeah. Do you want to use your new bow? The first thing I'm going to do is scream out to Grayson and be like, help, Grayson, I guess.

I assume that's what I'm going to do. And then I'm going to use my masterwork longbow to fuck shit up. Oh, you're going to get it. Rapid shot? He's wearing nightclothes. Can you imagine him to be unarmed? Yes. But I'm only going to aim at him.

Okay, you hit him once. One of your arrows, like, you know, hits just next to his head, but the other one strikes him in the shoulder. You deal two points of damage. Hey, we're getting somewhere. That's a bonus. Like, hey, that's something. There's a tremendous cracking sound as the door is kicked in

and Grayson is standing in the doorway. All right, guys, this is when shit gets real. He hefts the spear and throws it at that guy. Uh-huh. Yes. Uh-huh. He hits. Yes.

Oh, Grayson. He's going to save us. This is why we kept him alive. Dealing four points of damage. Uh-huh. He hits. Yes. Oh, Grayson. He's going to save us. This is why we kept him alive. Dealing four points of damage. Hey, we saved his life. We dealt with like six months. He had the red ache, which would have gone in a month. It was like three months.

It might have killed him. It might have killed him. Yeah. We dealt with three months of seasickness. Yeah. I'm pretty sure if he doesn't know what the red ache is, we're going to talk it up like it would have killed him. Yeah, it would.

Oh, my turn. Yep. Slingshot. So is he closer at all, this priest? No, he hasn't know what the red egg is, we're going to talk it up like it would have killed him. Yeah, it would. Oh, my turn. Yep. Slingshot! So, is he closer at all, this priest? No, he hasn't had the move. All right. Wait, I'm going to... Ooh, can I throw a dagger at him?

He's far away. It'll be a hassle, but you can. Try. No, I'll do it. What's better, throwing a dagger or a slingshot? Sling is better. Okay, then a slingshot. You hit him! Yes! Oh, yeah! Stupid face. You deal Sling is better. Okay, then a slingshot. You hit him.

Yes. Oh, yeah. Stupid face. You deal one point of damage. Hey, it's fucking something. You break his nose. Good. Yay.

You fucking fill him with beef. I don't know what accent he had, but breaking the nose created that. Whenever he casts anything, he'll... I'm looking at my spells. I'm looking at my spells. I'm looking at my spells. Scatter spray. Oh, no.

Upstairs somehow. He manages to dodge most of the debris that you launch at him, but some of it still hits him. Body jars and shit. You deal four non-lethal. Hey, guys. It's pretty good. A bunch of shit, like, strikes him.

Like, stuff that the priest was selling. That we are gonna steal when we're done. It's his turn. Oh, so long guys, I guess. He jumps down from the stairs in Among You Guys, and as he does it, he calls upon

his god to give him the might of the gods, and then he grows in size to being large. He's like the size of, I don't know, a minotaur? Well, like a gorilla, like a big gorilla. Oh my god. Oh my fucking

god. Can we... I mean, it's just an idea. Can we maybe just walk away? You can try. You can try. It's your turn. Do you want to walk away? From behind. Use try. You can try. He's going to kill us. Do you want to walk away? He'll kill us from behind. Use your new awesome bow.

I am. I will. Is it my turn? Yeah, it's your turn. Oh, yeah. No, that's what I'm going to do. You've got to take a couple steps back, though, before you use your bow. Take a couple steps back, Adam. Then I will.

No, don't. No. No, it's good. It's fine. It's fine. It's good. It's a great time. Please. Just keep mocking me. It's what I love. Yeah. No, I will take a It's fine. It's good. It's a great time. Please, it's so amazing.

Just keep mocking me. It's what I love. Yeah, no, I will take a few steps back. Lovely Adam, who is an amazing human being. Don't do this. Rapid shot? I'm done with you. I know.

Yes, rapid shot to his body face. You hit him twice. Yes! Oh, yeah. He's so big, I can't miss, guys. You hit him twice. Yes! Oh, yeah. He's so big I can't miss, guys. 14 points of damage. Come on. Yes, yes, yes.

Holy shit. Nice. Oh, that's dead. No, wait. He's not dead. 21. Don't worry. He's going.

And now it is Grayson's turn. Grayson swears. What the hell? You guys. You love us swears. What the hell? You guys. You love us, though. You kind of love us, though. You motherfuckers. He charges in with his longsword.

He's having like a mid-breakdown. Grayson is so mad at you guys. He's just like, are you serious? Like, why did you think this was a good idea? Hits him with his longsword. Come on. Come on, Grayson. He deals not a lot. He deals four points him with his longsword. Come on. Come on, Grayson. He deals not a lot.

He deals four points of damage. Hey, I'll take it. Come on, Leo. Bring us home. And Leo. I'm flanking him, right? No. Damn.

Can I flank him? You can move to, yeah, but he'll get a free hit on you. Then I'll just stab him with my rapier. Cool. I'm on four. I don't want to get a free hit. I want you to. You miss somehow. He's that big. I'm just like, I'm on four I don't want to risk it I want you to, you mess somehow

he's that big, I'm just like, I'm intimidated he's like my father dodgy Kruf can I baboo slime myself yeah and then grab hold of him

yeah I'll do that it hurts him doesn't it it gives him okay so you can try you can do that and grab him this turn yeah

or you can take a step back do it safely uh but grab him next turn oh cause if I do it here I'll hurt everyone else uh no if you cast a spell

he gets a free attack against you, because you're distracted. I'll do it now. Of course you will. The heat of the battle, Adam! I'm not thinking straight! Like every other decision we make, Adam, we're not thinking straight. He smacks you full on

face with his longsword. Ah! Ow, ow, ow, ow. Oh, minimum damage. You take six points of damage. Hey, guys. Ow. Am I covered in slime, though, and is he hurting from the slime? No, you failed to cast the spell. Him hitting you with the sword

is like, ah, fuck my concentration. Shit, there's a little bit of slime out my head. Not even that much, really. And it's his turn. He hits you again. It's always his turn. When's it going to be our turn?

Right after he's done. That makes sense. That's pretty reasonable. He hits you again. Ah, guys! You take eight points of damage. Am I out cold again? You are on negative four.

That's not good. I think we have one health potion left too. You might find some more here. You might, but you might. Ainsley, it's your turn. Okay, the first thing I'm going to do is because Kriff is knocked out is I'm going to be like, Jiggle up, help!

And then I'm going to shoot him. Okay, twice? Yes. But I want you to remember that Jiggle Lump has been summoned. Critical hit. Yes, yes, yes! What happens? Okay. You strike him

straight through the larynx. Haha, now he can't do spells. And it, uh, it like completely goes, like, through him. Now he might be dead. I think it's gonna kill him. Yep, he's dead. Yes, yes, yes. I think it's going to kill him. Yep, he's dead. Yes!

He falls over and returns back to his original size. Excellent. Too fucking good. There's, like, a really quiet moment while, like, before anyone goes to help Krith, where Grayson turns around and just, like, walks slowly out of the building, and as he does it, you hear him under his breath, fucking sons of bitches. Fucking motherfucking gods. Grayson, please. slowly out of the building and as he does it you hear him under his breath

fucking motherfucking I pick up the skull of someone should help Griff because Grayson isn't doing it like it is dead hand and put on my face no it Does it heal me, Adam? No, it does not. It's just gross. Heal me, though? Negative ten. Negative five. Sorry. Negative ten. You're dead, Jensen. I do the same thing to Kriff.

I'm going to give Kriff a health potion. Grab the dead necromancer. And then hopefully with the joint efforts that I do. For a moment, I got kind of excited at the idea of killing one of you. You're on one hit point. You motherfuckers, wake me up, please. So that I may slap you. I give the dead priest's arm and slap him with it.

You don't wake him up. And no one wakes him up. I keep slapping him with a dead man's arm. You wake up eventually. You sons of bitches. Are you scared by the dead man's arm? You don't know what they did. What's going on? Oh, wait, no, you wake up to being slapped by the dead necromancer? You don't know what they did What's going on?

Oh wait no you wake up to being slapped by a dead man Did we win? Yes I like grabbed the head of the necromancer So while Leo is helping Griff I would like to look for other health potions That we could possibly all take Yeah let's just search the place

Yeah Upstairs, downstairs But we'll check upstairs tentatively that we could possibly all take. Yeah, let's just search the place. Just pilfer this whole place. Pilfer the whole situation. Upstairs, downstairs. Hang on, no, no, but we'll check upstairs tentatively in case there's a wife or a daughter. You find two health potions. Give me some. I was about to say, you find two infant children.

I'm like, Adam, you're going to make me skewer a baby. Going upstairs, you see only two beds. You think it was just the two of them living here. Sad that his wife died. You guys want to take a health potion? Yes, see only two beds. You think it was just the two of them living here. Sad that his wife died. You guys want to take a health potion? Yes, I only have one. I'll chug them. Yeah, he can have a health potion. Leo, what are you on?

Just one for him, alright. No, you take a health potion. Oh, these are moderate, so it's a cure moderate. Oh, sick. Oh, cool. You chug one of them and you recover 14 hit points. Oh my god, yes. Now do you want the other one?

Yeah, alright. 15! You gonna chug you want the other one? Yeah, alright. 15! You gonna chug the other one as well? Yeah, alright. You recover 9 hit points. Alright. Anything else in this house? Gold? Zombies? Bunnies? Do you reckon I could learn to be a necromancer, guys? I reckon you could.

You could? Yeah. I'm kind of super into hitting people at the moment, though. But you could raise, like, an army of undead to hit people with. Yeah, but it's not quite the same as just, whoa, cold clock. Maybe can I get, like, a roll of pennies in my hand and get some weight behind it? Yeah, we'll search the necromancer's house. Yep. The necromancer and his son.

Oops. Necromancer and his son. Oops. Necromancer and sons. I want to put the dead bodies in compromising positions. Leo, you've gone dark. We are not looking at Leo right now. I like to imagine when his son comes down, it would just be this wide shot of the building and it would just be Sergei and son,

and we're like oh of course oh we're idiots like the police guard or pirate guard whoever whatever this town is pirate pirates the next morning

they're just gonna go down to this place Sergei and son and like so what's the other guy's name? Sergio and Sergio like his head's headless

over here son and father and dad like hugging. Yeah like what what was although I'm sure there's no such thing

as police so I think we're kind of good. Although you know what guys you find 200 gold pieces. Yes! That's good.

So rich. Plus you know your own gold. We're so rich right now. We've got 331 gold. That's enough to charter a ship. I know. That's quite a. Plus, you know, your own gold. We're so rich right now. We've got 331 gold. That's enough to charter a ship. I know. That's quite a bit.

Yeah, you could get a ship with that. We can go home, guys. We buy to Goldcrest. Go to Goldcrest. Oh, my God, guys. Can I have whatever this is? I bags it. Come on, Adam.

Come through for me. You find a set of braces. You know what braces are? Like on your arms? Yeah, they're like little strap things that you put on Ainsley, you wear them actually And in combat they help you when you're using your sword Oh, okay, because I was really hoping for like suspenders

No, no, no It's like a little, it's like a tiny little It works as a shield Yeah, arm guards, you use them as shields essentially When you hold them, they feel warm to your touch And they hum with a magical energy. Can I put them on? Hey, I bagged them.

Really, like, I didn't mean to, but these are really, really better for Ainsley. Ha ha ha! No, I'll give them to Ainsley. I'll roll Knowledge Arcana to learn about them first. If I have that, I'm sure I have that. You can make checks. Hang on. Wait. Knowledge Arcana to learn about them first. If I have that, I'm sure I have that. You can make checks. Hang on. Wait.

Knowledge Arcana. It's not Knowledge Arcana, but hang on. Knowledge dick-sucking. Up top, Ainsley. All right. That's exactly it. Hey, um, Griff. Oh, yeah, Griff, you do work out what they are.

Oh, guys, these are... Shut up. Braces of Archery Lesser. Wonderful. They're Braces of Archery Lesser, which I assume means they're lesser than any better Braces of archery lesser Wonderful They're braces of archery lesser Which I assume means they're lesser than any better braces of archery Braces of archery This is why you're our wizard

Guys they're braces of archery Just a pair of braces that improve your archery These wristbands look like normal protective wear The braces empower the wearer to use any bow, not including crossbows, as if she were proficient in its use. Oh, actually, I guess it's not as useful as I thought. Oh, no, here we go.

If she already has proficiency with any type of bow, she gains a plus one competence bonus on attack rolls whenever using that type of bow. I'll take it. Both braces must be worn for it to be effective. All right, I'll give them to her. So that plus your masterwork means you... Today you've gotten a plus two to attacks with your bows.

That would have been useful before. That would have been useful, yeah. Well, you know, it's like hard to have acquired this equipment before you killed him. I gave you the braces. Wonderful. I bagged them, but I guess they're not.

You might want to write those down. They're not great. Braces of archery lesser. I did. Oh, you did write them down? Well, I wrote some words. Sure, magic braces. It's okay.

I'll probably remember it. All right, I'm writing it down. We'll spend the night here. Let's put the bodies up against the door, guys. Yes, and have a hot nap. And we'll charter a boat in the morning. Where's Jigalump? I did call for him.

You don't know. That fucking cat. That piece of shit cat. I'm going to have an angry sleep. Is there like an inn around here? This is fine, Tammet. No, I just feel... Tammet, Tammet.

Actually, can I just go out and find Grayson? You feel a little uncomfortable because the beds are still warm. Sorry. Leo, look at me. Either we stay in an inn and get robbed instantly, or we stay in this guy's house and he's been doing fine, people still think a necromancer lives here, in the morning, get up early, fuck off,

catch a bloody boat, and we're off to Greyskull. Gold crest? Yeah, that one. Yeah. That was a pretty good idea. Are you He-Man? Is that what this is?

I am He-Man, yes. Only if you can help me prop up Sergi and Son behind the counter so that in the morning after we leave, someone comes in and gets in front of the light. And gets a little bit of a scare. I get it, sure. I'm uncomfortable with that. We'll do that whilst Angelie talks to Grayson.

Yes, I would like to have a discussion with Grayson and hopefully he doesn't abandon us. Are you talking about you and him? Nah, just kind of like, hey buddy, how you feeling? Because we just did a lot to save you. That sort of discussion.

Ainsley, he's really mad. Like, really mad. I'm just gonna, like, maybe put my hand on his arm. He, like, pulls his arm away. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I feel like we've channeled, like, all of Adam's anger towards us

through Gracie. Just, like, give him a little kiss. Just explodes into anger. I'll just be like, look, I'm really sorry. It kind of got out of hand very quickly. We did all this to make sure that you're okay because we thought that you were going to die from the red plague ache. What happened in there?

Why did he just suddenly turn hostile? I mean, I don't know. Don't answer that question. I know what happened. Well, I mean, it just happened. And, I mean, it was – do you want to go on a holiday? You guys staying here for the night, he says? I mean, do you have a better idea, honey?

You guys can stay here. I'm going to go find an inn. I think we should go find an inn, guys. We should go find an inn. Okay. Hang on, let me just... One second. I didn't make sure our masterpiece

looks just tell me weekend at bernie's is it obvious that it's a corpse it's fairly obvious it's a corpse in weekend at bernie's yeah it's like this is worse oh god it's like a macabre sort of arrangement

and it was really macabre before you got here with all the body parts. It's not even a good job, and that's kind of the worst part. Is it like a texture? What's the D&D equivalent of like a texture or a sharpie? A paintbrush? Maybe chalk or, yeah, a paintbrush or charcoal. I want to draw a smiley face on both their faces. Are there any sunglasses?

Is anything around? Are there any sunglasses? If there's anything around. Are there any sunglasses around? I'm not there. Never mind. There's no sunglasses. Is it like a paint and I can draw a shitty smiley face on them? I'm left. If he's getting this into it, I'm gone.

Everyone else is gone, Leo. You're alone in a dark room with bodies in a city you know is unsafe. Is there any paint around, though? You're just going to get Grayson killed. No, Grayson's left. If you guys are following him, that's your business. Yeah, we are. You cannot find paints or anything that matches what you want.

I dig my finger in some blood and just draw a smiley face on there. It's probably not going to stick, but you like draw something on his face. I'm happy with my work and then I jump off. So we'll leave you there at that macabre scene and we'll pick up next time on D&D is for Nerds. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com. Hey there, fellow adventurer.

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