D&D is For Nerds - Welcome to Ogg Nott #25 Return to Old Ashton

Episode Date: December 27, 2015

Welcome to Ogg Nott Season 1In which our heroes deal with consequences. We negotiate travel prices, get onto a ship (again) and have a funeral. Greyson has ten sexes, Princess Ansley gets hit in the boobs and Leo just wants his wizard friend back. So grab some tissues and join our party as they pay tribute to their fallen friend. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SansPantsRadio, here's the good part. it's like a bunch of cool geeky stuff that comes in a box once a month it's like a subscription service you pay 14 odd bucks and then these bugger lugs will send out like 50 bucks worth of stuff to your door it's basically daylight robbery you see each and every box comes with a steam game an exclusive t-shirt a sweet poster and if you sign up today you get a bonus item from the Star War. That's pretty good. So do us and yourself a favor by going to geekfuel.com slash sanspants and start fueling up your geek today. Good? Good.

Oh, one last thing. Before you find out who lives and dies, I just want to take this time to thank everyone for downloading the show, telling everyone you know about us, and just basically supporting us. We made it to the best of iTunes for 2015 in Australia, so thank you very, very much. Also, this is your last chance to get free postage and handling.

If you use promo code KRIF, that's K-R-I-F, on checkout, if you head over to audiobooks on tape.com and purchase the complete season one completely and utterly ad free that comes with an exclusive fifth ed adventure that you can't get anywhere else links to all that are in the show notes

and now onward to the final chapter of season one of D&D is for nerds there's nothing sadder than a group of adults sitting around a table describing their former characters in detail. That's exactly what we're doing here today. Welcome to episode 25 of D&D is for Nerds. I'm playing a dead man.

We got this. We tried. I guess. Joining me is Ali Kathleen, Princess Ainsley Foggyfeather, Jel Zamet, Slea Shadow, and our illustrious DM, Adam King of the Hill.

Did you, on purpose? Shut up, Adam. Previously on D&D is for Nerds. I want to jump in and try and reason with him. Buddy, they're drunk. Let's try and do another rapist. My drunk fucking idiot friends. This time you score a hit.

There goes reasoning with him. Have you ever been broken up with? Do you know how this feels? Oh my god. Godspeed, Bea. I'm so mad at the two of you. Kriff, you fall unconscious while you're on watch. He approaches Kriff and prepares what's called a coup de grace.

That sounds bad. Goodbye. Sayonara, gang. Griff, you are dead. I'm going to get my bow and arrow and aim it at his face and go, I've gone through a lot tonight, you piece of shit. You either help me or leave. Will you save my friends?

He looks at both of them. I'll save your friend. The innkeeper looks at you expectantly Waiting for your response to his question Do I get to choose which one? Do you say that? Yeah He realizes who he's dealing with

And then he says Your friend over there And he gestures to Kriff Dead, there's nothing I can do for him But over there, and he gestures to Griff, dead. There's nothing I can do for him. Oh, no. But your other one, and he gestures to Leo, he's been poisoned. For 25 gold, I can help him. Well, I guess that makes that decision.

Resurrect me. Now. It can, oh, this is out of game, but that can be done. Yeah. You'd need to find a. A giant pickle jar? What? That's just to preserve me.

Do we need to preserve him? If we bring him back to life and he's half-rotted, will he be a Zombo? A Zambini? Oh, he said it! Well, you do not have knowledge religion, so unfortunately

you do not know how this works. All right. You are aware of the concept that a powerful cleric might be able to bring him back from the dead. All right, well, let's deal with the one who's not quite dead but dying. That's me. I'm having the nap of angels. Poisoned angels that are dying.

Help me. Help me. You wouldn't dream while you're in this unconscious state. It's because you're on your way to death. As a side note, I had a dream last night that I was a wizard. How good. That's delightful. I swear my subconsciousness is like a 10-year-old boy.

Do you want to multi-class into wizard? Is that what you're saying? Maybe. That's a thing? Yeah, you can take multiple classes. So it gives you more powers, but it dilutes your powers. So you get like a broader field. That's how I feel right now.

We could eventually become wizards, Leo, because, you know, background, blah, blah, blah. But then at the other part, I feel as though the post-traumatic stress of losing Kriff to a wizard means I may develop a huge dislike. A tiefling. You lost him to a tiefling. Kriff was a wizard. Yeah, but it was wizardry that caused it. No, it wasn't.

What? He got stabbed. I was stabbed, sure. Guys, PTSD doesn't make sense to anyone. If anything, you'd be like, I need to be a wizard to... Annoyingly true, that is. If you are like, fuck wizards, in bloody whatever heaven I've ended up with, I'm going to be like, the fuck?

The fuck, Ainsley? You've misremembered that event? You resume me like, you're a wizard. I fucking hate you. You're a wizard, Harry. And a thumping good one. All right, let's save Bugalugs over here. Hello.

What do you say though? That's right, yeah Going back to the Give him the gold Yeah, yeah, no, give him the gold Yeah, I'd like throw it at him Like it's probably 23 gold Do you need an eraser for your character sheet?

I always need an eraser Check it Hit me in the boobs Alright That's where I was aiming Gross It wasn't Please don't hurt me

What am I doing with said eraser? Oh, that's right 25 gold I have the money That's where I was aiming. Gross. It wasn't. Please don't hurt me. What am I doing with said eraser? 25 gold? I have the money. Yeah, you do. You're our treasurer. Thank God that you didn't die. Yeah, when I was fixing up your character sheets, I realized that she does have all of the money.

I know. If she just left now. First off, you just could. Stop putting ideas in her head, Adam Yeah, no, I'm going to throw 20 I feel like I want to throw like a handful And hope to God it's 23 Can you roll? Yeah, but

Can I roll to see how much gold you throw? If I throw it at him You have one coin purse Are you going to throw your coin purse? No, because that's 306 gold. That's a damn good tip. No, just like a small hand. How much?

25. Like a coin, it counted out. Here you go. That is essentially what you would be doing. All right. Yeah, I'll do that. Okay. So you count out 25 gold pieces, hand them to him.

Use 25 gold pieces. He nods. He picks up Leo's prone form on the bed and carries him downstairs. Yeah, he's little. As he's going downstairs, he says, you might want to pick up your friend's body. Don't loot me. Bury me with my things.

He doesn't have much to loot. I think he has like maybe two gold. Bury me with my cat. Like the ancient Egyptian pharaohs of old. Your cat's finally free. What happens is your cat is now released from its service, quotation marks, no one can

see that, quotation marks service and is now free to do whatever it likes. Let's see what Jiggly Lump does. Which it kind of did anyway. Jiggly Lump won, guys. Jiggly Lump fucking won. Jiggly Lump does. Which it kind of did anyway. Jiggly Lump won, guys. Jiggly Lump fucking won. Jiggly Lump told the tiefling where they could find you.

Okay, so I guess I'm going to drag. I'd like to drag. I'm not carrying. I guess I'm dead, so who cares? How strong am I? I'm pretty strong, actually. If I had to put it into a number, I would put it into the number 14. This is that time when Adam was like,

one of you fuckers is going to have to want to throw the other one of you fuckers. Why are you throwing my body? Why are you throwing his corpse? Have you ever thrown a body downstairs? I would like to carry Griff half-heartedly. I want to carry him. You know how you pick a kid up when it's out of the car and you're like, I'm going to put you to bed. Like a fireman

over your shoulder? No, no. The one where you carry it in your arms. Oh, like you're cradling my body. Yeah, but you accidentally hit their head on the door frame. I want to do that. Gotcha. So like the Scott Summers holding Jean Grey pose. Yeah. Or Superman holding Supergirl. You're easily strong

enough to lift him. Smack his head on the doorframe. I would like to do that. You could lift him over your head if you wanted to. Yes. As per the rules of Dungeons & Dragons. I would like to lift him above my head, Adam. It's a little bit more of a struggle to do that, but you can. No.

Victory. That's all she ever wanted to do. Yeah. Okay, so you get downstairs The bartender goes behind the bar Behind the counter Pulls out a potion bottle He opens it And this foul smelling stench fills the room

It's like motor oil sort of smell He closes Leo's He pinches Leo's nose And pours it down his throat. What if it's more poison, you fools? Leo wakes up. Oh no, explain that I'm dead to poor Leo. Nah.

Hey, what happened? What happened? Leo, you can see that Ainsley is carrying Chris over her head. What happened to Griff? Griff? He's sleeping. Your friend's dead, mate, says the bartender. Do you not know how to deal with children, bartender?

This is a halfling. Did you think it was a child? The bartender is really... Why is he dead? Let's bring him back. I kind of grabbed the bartender by the Why is he dead? Let's bring him back I kind of grab the bartender by the scruff of the shirt You can bring him back, right? No

Who can bring him back? Tell us where we can go to save him Adam, I'd like to expel gas As corpses do You fail to expel gas Shit The bartender says Gas, as corpses do. You fail to expel gas. Shit! The bartender says, how much is it worth to you?

I don't know. I want everything. I want my wizard. Like 40 gold. What? 40 gold. He'll take that. Dick, you have like 300.

I mean, I guess it worked, but still. Rude. They love you this much, but this much is maybe 40, 45 gold. If he had... Ooh, this is 50. This is how much they love you. Motherfuckers. Anyway, 40 gold. It's so much for you.

Okay. He pockets the 40 gold and he says, I know a merchant ship. You'd have to pay them to take you, though. See, that's what I thought. The merchant ship is going by a town. You've probably never heard of it. It's on the arse end of the world called Old Ashton. We have been to Old Ashton.

I was actually surprised you guys remembered the name. Yeah, because remember, we're like, why is it called Old Ashton? And you're like, I wrote it down wrong. Yep. Which town was that, though? Memories of my past mistakes. It was meant to be old Ashton? And you're like, I wrote it down wrong. Yep. Which town was that though? Memories of my past mistakes. It was meant to be new Ashton. Was that the town that we got the ship to?

So Ashton was like destroyed and then they rebuilt it and I erroneously wrote it down as old instead of new Ashton. Was that the one where we got Grayson? That's where you left Markov. Yeah, you picked up Grayson. Hey, maybe Grayson's gone back there. Nah, he's still pretty salty at us. He'll be less salty when he finds out I'm dead.

I was his favorite. I don't know. I think the one he fucks was his favorite. Yes, it's me, guys. Am I on any hit points, by the way? You're on one hit point. Would you like a potion? I'd like to give a potion. I've also found out that you didn't that no one marked down any potions.

No, Chris did. Chris marked it all down. No, he didn't. I went over all of your character sheets with a fine fucking tooth comb. No one here had any potions. Chris, what's wrong with you? You guys at some point will be punished for your lack of note taking Can I just

put it out there I had very clear scribbles about how much money we had You had very clear scribbles No scribbles about potions Well it just says potion of cure light wounds times one That's the one you started with

That one's been used Adam's being mean, but okay. I'm not being mean. I'm being right. Thank you very much. I think you fucked this other potion. Me? Don't blame the dead man.

In a video game, this would be like an item duplication glitch. Okay, whatever. Can I have something to help me? Can you give him some bread? Will bread bring back What's that lambast that Elvin would? Lobna Hi or hello?

Hi Midway point You guys laughed at me when I used to say la hi Hello Hello You guys should invest in a wand at me when I used to say la hi. Hello. Hello. You guys should invest in a wand. I wonder how long until I... What's it do?

It's like, it just has a spell stored in it and you can cast it. Well, Griff, not Griff, sorry, Griff's dead. Leo with a roll can cast the spell. So you could have a... But Griff could have cast it easily. I'd like one with a star at the end. Okay. You could have done it without a roll. I'd like one with a star at the end. Okay. You could have done it without a roll.

I'd like one with a star at the end, and it's yellow and glittery, and I want the... It depends on what one you get. I want the... Hush, shut up. For 50 gold, I'll sell you a potion. 45. There's no bargaining here.

70? There's no bargain. 50, 50 it is. Why do you keep going over and over Another 50 gold And you get a potion of cure like wounds Which I'm amusing I'm assuming you're immediately down You recover 7 hit points

So you should be on 8 now This guy is Lovely He's literally asked you for money for every transaction thus far. I know. How long to rig a mortise, Edson? Out of curiosity. Should be soon, right?

For five silver, I'll sell you a cloth to wrap him in. No. We've got... You're just going to leave the body to the elements? Yes. Guys, I'm going to rot, you fucks Fine, we'll get a What does he need a blanket for?

You can't feel the cold What if a crow comes and picks out his eyes? Crows, Alan! He's going to pick through that blanket Think about crows What if his cat comes back and also Where's his cat? Where's his cat?

Guys, where's his cat? What if my arm catches on a branch and just tears off? Then you'll be a zombie with one arm. So the bartender. I'm going to say two copper pieces. Ainsley, where's his cat? The bartender says, in the morning, I can give you the name and location of a ship that'll take you there.

I hear that you could find a cleric powerful enough to resurrect the dead there. Okay, let's do that. You could also find a wizard that could do that, but that's harder. Not an old Ashton. But an old Ashton is a cleric. They fear dead there. Okay, let's do that. You could also find a wizard that could do that, but that's harder. In Ashton? Not in old Ashton. But in old Ashton there's a cleric. They fear magic there, which you guys already know.

Sorry? We scared Mark off repeatedly. Good times. So in old Ashton there's a cleric there. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Okay.

So you guys go back to bed, and the rest of the night passes uneventfully. You'll heal both three hit points, so you get an extra three hit points. You come back down, and it's a different bartender, but this bartender has like a little note that he passes to you guys, and he says, this was left for you. Okay.

What's it say? It's got the name of a ship and a dock number. Cool. All right. The ship's name is... Maybe we should write this down. Okay What's it say? It's got the name of a ship and a dock number Cool Alright The ship's name is Maybe we should write this down The Ace The Ace

Alright Priority go on the space People are confused why they heard Dyson I am Even I'm confused I saw it happen I thought it was funny Okay, alright

I'll carry Griff, you look for Grayson Wait, I'm small You carry Griff Griff, you look for Grayson Wait, I'm small You carry Griff, I'll look for Grayson You carry Griff, I'll go to the boat You cannot carry Griff You can drag him behind you What about Grayson? And I'll look for his cat

Where's Jiggle Lump? I scream out into the street, Jiggle Lump I feel like I was expected to be The busy street ignores you More emotional than Leo is. He's very panicked. He is a bit. Yeah.

All right. I lost my friend. Can we get a wheelchair that we can give Kriff sunglasses and a blanket for? Are you going to weekend at Birdies, me? Yes. Now I'm really into it. Yeah.

Although you might have to pay for like a boat ticket for me as well. You're probably going to have to pay for me anyway. Also, or one of those trolleys that you get at a warehouse and I will tie him up with some rope. Do we know where Grayson went? You have no idea. He didn't tell you. Oh, no.

You can ask around. Super rude. Sorry, I'm dead. Yeah. How many inns are around here? I'm losing more. Oh, hopefully two. How many inns are around here? I'm losing more Hopefully two How many inns?

Yeah Come on Three Seven Why couldn't you roll a D3? Son of a bitch That seemed easier No such thing

What time does the ice leave? Do we love the docking thing? Do we know? It doesn't It just has the place you can find it And the name of the ship Okay You could go It's not far You're not far from the docking thing? Do we know? It doesn't. It just has the place you can find it and the name of the ship. Okay. You could go it's not far. You're not far from the dock.

Oh, are you? We do have to find Grayson. You're kind of in the midpoint actually. It's like maybe an hour's walk to get to the dock. Alright. So we've got to find Grayson. Find that cat. Trolley. Is there a trolley? No. Can we leave

Barkeep? Barkeep, can we leave our dead friend here for a bit? While we go find our other friend. And a cat. And a cat. A silver. Two copper. Why? Why barter?

A silver. Okay, a silver. Because I never remember how it breaks down. It's a system of ten. Oh, God. Have I decomposed yet, Adam? No. We've wrapped you in a five-lidder.

What do you mean? Well, when am I going to start decomposing? Eventually. How long does that take for a body? I don't know. How much time? 24 hours and then doesn't rigor mortis set in? It hasn't been 24 hours. Yeah, that's true.

How much did I have to pay to leave a dead body? A silver One silver A silver's nothing It's 10 to 10 to 10 I'm going to grab a silver out of

Chris' pockets and pay with that Did I have a silver? I think so I think you threw it at someone to try and convince them that you weren't robbing someone. No, he does. He has 24 gold and three silver. Oh, cool. I give the silver in my pocket that 24 gold.

Oh, and six copper. That's six copper. Just letting you know, keep that six copper because that's what we got for the vest. The coat? Yeah, the coat. In that very first transaction we ever made. Forge it down into a little amulet, please.

I'm just going to pocket his money. Off a vest. Sorry, Jackson, I'm looting your dead corpse. I figured it would happen. Paying there. All right, we'll be back. Your hands are so dirty. How long does it take to search the city?

All these inns, roughly. To search the city. The inns. The seven inns, you son of a bitch. The seven nearby inns? Yeah. You go in. What do you like?

Do you look around or do you ask the bartender? Basically, we'll split up. Yes. I'll take highs or lows? Highs. Lows. One of us is going to win. Oh, damn.

I thought it would just be the same roll. I know. How good would that have been? Why? That means one of you wins definitely. That was the point. Okay. So Ainsley. Yes. You walk in. You ask for a man of Ainsley.

Not Ainsley. You are Ainsley. You ask of a man of Grayson's description. And the bartender nods and says, yeah, he just left. He was staying here the night. Do you know where he went? Yeah, I know where he went for five cups. Oh, for fuck's sake!

Fucking pirate nation. Fucking pirates with their tedious bullshit. What do you want? Two copper? Five copper. Oh, actually, wait. To be fair. Five copper. You did not do well. I had to hold back on

saying six copper. It's nothing. Yeah, I know. It's not even... Half a silver. I think it's less about the fact that it's just more about the math. She has to break it apart. I'm the math one.

Just give him one silver. Give him one gold. Yeah, I'm going to give it... Do you need like a hard cover to put your thing on? Maybe. That would be nice. It's bent over my kneecap, ladies and gentlemen. It's not like a hard surface, but it's close enough.

Oh, look, it's some pictures. How bloody good. Shut the fuck up, Leo. Oh, Leo, you're like walking from end to end and you spot Grayson in the crowd. Oh, you're fucking kidding me. I wave at him. Grayson, Grayson, Grayson.

I wave. I was going to wait until exactly the moment you were raised. I know. Right, I give him the one silver because that's what I would do. Grayson stops and looks at you. Ainsley, you step out and you see them talking. Even better. Great.

So salty. Chris dead. What? Chris dead. A tiefling stabbed him in the night. I got poisoned. Where's Ainsley? Hello.

Ainsley is searching for you. No, not like that. I'm going to be like, thank God you're here. Wait, is she there? Yeah. You're walking up to them? Yeah. Then she is here.

All right then. She's searching for you. We also haven't found the cat. Jiggle on. Yeah. Grayson remembers the name. Jiggle on. Why are you looking for the cat?

Because I figure he would want to know if it's cryptide. I hug him. You would just hug his thigh. I know. Face at dick level. Testicles resting gently on your little halfling head. Anyway. Gross. Just start weeping. I think Jiggleump would know.

He's like released from his service now. Okay, I want to say goodbye. I feel like Jiggleump would be at home here, Grayson says. That's so true. Jiggleump has found his calling. It's a city of cunts. Raise a fair point. Jiggleump.

But I wanted to pat him on the back to we wanted to rub his belly what did you do with the body it's at the inn it's wrapped in a linen thing I think we can go and resurrect it somehow Grayson doesn't say that I'm saying that you didn't pay for the linen yes we did

look how many things I've had to rub out because of you making everything a transaction he's wrapped in linen I just had to rub out because of you making everything bloody. A transaction. He's wrapped in linen. Hang on. I just want to remember that line from Ali. How many things I had to rub out for you.

I need that pencil back. It's got my hair tie on it. I've claimed it as my. This is a violent recording. I didn't mean to throw it hard. Don't hurt me. I was being a funny. Adam gets really nervous and then I feel sorry for him and everything's fine. Guys, I'm decomposing over here.

Let's move things along. He's in the inn. He's wrapping linen and there's a boat. It's called an ace. Show me. Let's go. Okay, let's go. I want to have a bit of a quick squeeze around for Jiggle Lump as we leave I love how you regressed about 14 years

Like to a child When all of this has happened As you're walking Leo You're like looking around And you look up and you see on the top of buildings Like following you guys from building to building Is a white, wait what colour was Jiggle Lump? He was tabby. He was orange.

An orange streak. He was Garfield. I always had him as white in my head. I guess I lost. No, wait. That's right. I remember we talked about... You were saying, like, he's a little tabby, he's orange, and I said Garfield.

He's just Garfield. He's just Garfield. Good. But it counts. Jiggle up, we're going to the end. Follow us, we're going to the butt. And we keep going. Okay.

Good. You get back to the tavern. Distressed Leo is the best Leo, guys. I'm fairly upset. The body is like there on a table. A lot of patrons are weird. Jackson is miming this out. No, he's impersonating it.

No, Jackson is just planking, but very poorly. Slumping down a chair. Just watch him. Okay. So, Grayson walks over to the corpse. Before he picks it up, he says,

this is Chris, right? Yes. I don't want to pick up someone else's body. I assumed unless the barkeeper has done a switcheroo, I'd call out the barkeep. The barkeep's like polishing a glass or something like that.

He seems, what? Grayson picks up the corpse and says, what's our next port of call? We've got to go to the dock. There's a boat called the Ace. It's going to Old Gaston. There's a cleric maybe? Who can resurrect him.

That's what the other barkeep said. Do you know of anything, Grayson? Grayson, we're very distressed. He was my best friend. Grayson shakes his head. The magic is far beyond me. Actually, all magic is a bit beyond me. Oh, Grayson.

Except for magic under the sheets. Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley. Hope my death brings you back together Actually, on that topic Grayson stops for a moment And he looks at you and he says This isn't over And then he walks off with the body

You son of a bitch He's not stealing me, guys He's not stealing He's gonna use the body for his own evil experiments. This could have been like trauma that made you forget about everything. Adam holds a grudge because we don't write down items. I don't hold a grudge.

I get even straight away. This is your fault, Griff. I'm done! Don't speak ill of me! You get to the boat! You're at the boat! At the docks. De Silva. De Silva.

De Silva. No. I can't remember what his ship was called. But it's not called the Ace. It was called De Silva. He didn't dock here, did he? No. The captain here is a half-elf.

A very, like, it's rare to see an elf with a beard, which is okay because this is a half elf As I said so But he has like a very very Like you know that like someone grows a beard And you're like don't grow a beard You don't have enough hair to grow a beard Like a wispy gross bloody Chin super visible through the hairs

Yeah like that sort of a beard Yuck And it's like you know it's a bit grimy or whatever But he seems not friendly, but he seems honest. Are you bored? And he nods and he says, half now, half when we get there.

Okay, what's that? Oh, I didn't realize you weren't told. So, going to Old Ashton, you're not planning on working your way. You have no experience as sailors, right? I can lift things. I can help.

I can get into little places. I'm real little. He points to the front of the boat. What's that called? The front. The bow. The bow? He points to the back.

What's that called? The stern. I have no idea. Did I get it? Neither of you got it. No, neither of you. Starboard's one of the sides. Starboard's Did I get it? No, neither of you. Starboard's one of the sides. Starboard's port side. You'll have to pay your way.

I can learn. I'm not a teacher. You don't know. You've never tried. You might know the joy of teaching. Guys, he's going to kick you off the ship. Okay, how much we're paying? Okay, good. You're little, so I'll give you half price. You're about average size though, so you'll pay full price.

I'd say... He tries to add it up in his head. Maybe about 24 gold each. Okay. Oh, sorry, 24, 12, he says. So you want all of it now? Half now. Okay.

So Ainsley's paying 12 and Leo's paying... Just pay the entire thing because the trip goes uneventful. Hang on, wait. It does. Yeah, the trip is completely uneventful. On an eventful scale of 0 to 100, 0 being completely, 100 being completely uneventful and 100 being completely eventful

is the three. How does my corpse do? The salty sea air. They didn't do anything to preserve it. No, they sure didn't. Sorry, it does go eventfully. At some point on the voyage, they're like, what's that? As it starts

to stink. The voyage takes like a year. I want to spend at least the majority of those nights just staring at Kriff. Maybe I'll like get in bed next to him. Oh boy. Just to hug. I want to go full on. You don't.

You can't. It's disgusting. His body starts to actually liquefy. It's not great. I'm just going to be a skeleton, you fool. How good would that be? I kind of wanted to go Norman Bates, but I guess not. They have sealed you in a crate.

Oh, boy. I don't even know if they could airtight sealing, but they've done as close to that as they can. A little bit of a group meeting. Actually, no, it wouldn't be a crate. It would be a barrel. I've been barreled. I've been barreled. Did our kitty join us?

No. Not as far as you know. Jiggleup is in such a good place. She's probably just made friends with a pirate. Yeah. Chilling out. Do we know about having... Did we have to keep the corpse

preserved? Is that like you're just nearly arriving and you're like, oh, no. I told you guys a giant pickle jar. Because we pull out the pickle jar of the head. We preserve this thing. I did ask you to cut my head off inexpertly and present it to a king. That was my dying wish. So do we know about priests, if they need to be the body?

I said you guys have no knowledge of religion, so no one knows the minutiae of it. We could have a skeleton friend, it's fine. That's true. I don't want to be a skeleton, guys. Skeletons have no organs. Grayson seems very, how would you say,

not looking on the positive side. He thinks that maybe the corpse is too decayed to resurrect. Skeletons cannot love, guys. When they put you in the barrel, Grayson basically starts acting like you're proper dead. He's still coming back, right? Yeah.

Grayson and I. Grayson is now worried about you, Leo. I feel as though Grayson and I have had many late night discussions. At some point on the voyage, yeah, you have a lot of late night discussions until Leo starts doing that, at which point Grayson sort of forgets your shit and then is like, I think Leo

is not right. Could it have a spell book? Cool, I hold it and hug it nightly and read over it a lot. You've gone nuts. Grayson is very concerned for Leo. Can we just say, okay, I'm going to feel as though.

Ainsley, if we can't get a cleric to do this, I can do this. I think I can raise the dead. Ainsley, I want to raise the dead. I would like to spend most of this voyage like kind of in front of Grayson being like, it's all right, mate, it's all right, but then behind Grayson's back being like, no, man, you can totally do it. You're just sowing the seeds of destruction here.

No. I would like to, I feel as though Grayson can't hold a grudge for too long. You'd be surprised. Which is fine. But because we're going to spend a year at sea, I would like to just look after Leo in such a way while doing my own version of mourning.

But also, how many times do we bang on the coat? It's not. It's not what? It's a year. It's a year. I didn't think you'd bang on the way there and you didn't. I would like you to try month by month until we bang. Oh, you guys make a lot of stops, by the way.

This seems to be like a very busy merchant vessel. Oh, good. We'll get some supplies, you know? I'll help out what I can. I'd say maybe about four. It takes maybe a couple months for Kriff to go into the barrel, and that's when he starts forgetting so maybe at the

six month point it's kind of like it's died down again because you stopped you're still doing stupid things but like you haven't killed anyone without cause yet. Good guys! I think I found out what it is that is like the line. It's like Grayson's turn off

yeah yeah yeah at some point Grayson just like sort of, you're, I don't know, in a hammock together or something like that. And Grayson basically outlines his theory that it was the city that did it to you and he blames the city. Oh, sweet. Oh, my God. The power couple is back.

You're back in. Yes. Grainsley. Yes. Maybe. That sounds bad. It sounds like a type of bread. It sounds Grainsley. Yes. Maybe. That sounds bad. It sounds like a type of bread. It sounds like a bad grain alcohol.

It sounds like a really tasty bread. Do you have an allergy to gluten? Try Grainsley wheat. Exactly. No. It goes great with hummus. All right. So you get to Old Ashton.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And as soon as you're off the boat You remember why you left this place It's cold as fuck Also it's summer guys Oh what is it summer and still cold It's not a blizzard so

But it's still cold It's like still cold Are you rolling me around in the barrel As in no movement cold Sick The barrel sloshes a lot. You did not put him in with water. Guys, your bone's

hitting against the... Yeah, there's like water with ice in it. I don't think the corpse is that badly decayed. I think I would like to, especially near the end months of the voyage, slowly gently hint to Leo that maybe we done goofed

and maybe it would be better to honour Kriff's memory. I'm like stroking his spell book. Uh-huh. Oh, my God. Yeah. If you just drank the Kriff slurpee. Drink the fluid instead. Then you'll become me.

Then he'll be inside me and he'll never die. What do you think, Chris? Leo, brilliant plan. I'd like to have this discussion just after we, while Grayson is probably pushing a sloshy bucket. Leo, what do you think Chris would want? I don't know. He'd want to hang out.

What? Have good times and kill some other wizards and gamble. I think he had a really good life. I think I know who I'm going to kill next. Debatably good life. It's okay. Don't listen to Ghost, Chris. I think he had a really good life.

I break down, Adam. I just start crying. I'm just going to hold him and be like, it's all right, man. It's all right. It's okay. It might be too close. I might have hit the acceptance level, but I'm not happy about it. You know, he liked old Ashton.

Maybe he would like to bury himself. Ainsley. Bury himself? Grayson gives you sort of a very concerned look that he's been giving you for a while now, but you think that maybe a line has been crossed maybe Grayson Grayson's like not had it with Leo

but is like giving you like a sort of hey Leo right so what up with him right I would like to address Grayson with the same amount of a confusion that I am currently looking at you with.

What? Grayson gives you a look. You don't – hang on. Yeah, you can't interpret the look. It's a very complicated look, but imagine that you're going to have a conversation later about Leo. Okay. I look up at you and I'm Ainsley and I'm like,

maybe we can bury him with Cartmichael in the ice you're kind of near it's a trek but you're the closest you've been in a while how funny pouring a barrel of into the ice

hey will I freeze will you have a it's like underneath the water. Hey, will I freeze? Will you have a Criff pop? No, it's like underneath the water. The water underneath doesn't freeze. And Jack, you and Carmichael can haunt that lake. A spectral wizard on a spectral mule. Whatever.

I'm just going to look at Claire and be like, I think you'd like that. I'll be like, why don't you, I think it's important that you say a few words. So why don't you just have a bit of a think about what you'd like that. I'd be like, why don't you, I think it's important that you say a few words. So why don't you just have a bit of a think about what you'd like to say. And I'm just going to go over here and have a bit of a chat to Grayson. Get Markov. Take Markov.

He'll take us. I put my hand on your barrel, Jackson. Okay. So I would like to. I just start, like, telling you things. I would like to walk back to Grayson and be like... Up to Grayson. He's ahead of you guys.

Yeah, all right. And I would like to say to him, remember all those late night discussions over hot cocoa and post-sex? Well, um... There was very little sex on the way back. There was some, though. That's good. That's good.

There was one sex. No! I got one Adam I don't think A single sex was Adam I would like to roll For the amount of sex that I had I rolled I just think you got a one I think well that's the amount of sex you had

Give me the dice I would like to roll I want the one with the high numbers on it. Don't give me a D6. Ow! A lot of throwing at Ali today. I have to make it flat. Let's see how much sex we have.

Just do it on the table. Yeah, it's far away. Hold on. Okay. Doesn't land on the table. Doesn't count. Oh, fuck. All right.

Hold on. I'll do it again. Ten sex! You have ten sexes. No, fuck. All right. I don't know what I'm doing here. Ten sex! You have ten sexes. No, we had eleven sex. Ten? There was one that he liked. I'm so fucking done.

One that he liked, ten he didn't. Is that what you're saying? Ali had eleven. Grayson had ten. Okay. Right. Anyway, so I'd like to go across to – I lost my pencil, so it doesn't matter.

I'd like to go across to Grayson and just say, look, after the 11 sex we had – What? I think we've solved the griff issue. I understand that Leo's not really dealing with it very well, but I think he's reached acceptance and I think I have a solution. Go on. Before we met, Grayson, before my life turned into the wonderful,

beautiful, amazing thing it is, please stop rubbing your nose against the pop locker, we had a dear friend, very loyal, carried a lot of moose heads. His name was Cartmichael and we lost him on our journey and I think if we could bury slash... Carmichael, he says. Yes. Do you mean Carmichael?

Is that not what I said? You said Cartmichael. Yeah. No, his name was Cartmichael. He was... No, no, no, this is Grayson. Yeah. You're not in this conversation.

He was a donkey and he carried a cart and we lost him. It was very traumatic and I think that if we could dispose of Chris' gooey remains, then Leah might be able to move on and we can get back the little feisty halfling that we used to have. Help the mourning process, Grayson. Grayson seems very understanding on this one. Aww. Guys, it was the... You've turned me in like 10 minutes

Like Grayson's a piece of shit Grayson nods and he says Something like Actually Guys it was the 10 extra sex Grayson turns away and he starts wheeling the barrel again And he says yeah no that makes sense And you think he turned away

Because you think he might be crying Grayson sat over a mule makes sense. And you think he turned away because you think he might be crying. Grayson sat over a mule. I'm going to marry this bastard. It brought back memories for him. I'm going to marry this bastard and we're going to have adorable strong babies. Yeah. Do you know how to get there?

Yes. Ainsley, no! It's going to die in the waste! We'll need horses. Have you come back to me yet? Well, it's on ice. Stay with Leo, I'll be back. Just hold on a second, Grayson.

The only thing is that it's on ice and that's how we lost Cart Michael in the first place. Like a river or a lake. I'm going to ask Leo for help slash ask my brain for help. Like as in back. You guys were like, it was winter then.

So you were walking over a river. The ice broke. Cart Michael fell in with the cart. I do recall. But would I know how to get there? I'd know how to get there. It was a white barren. I remember actually.

Yeah, no, I remember saying several times. So this will be another to the several times. It is a barren, frigid wasteland. Did we find pine nuts there? It was then. Yeah, we did find pine nuts. It was then and not much has changed. Okay, so do you think that we...

I guess you can see some grass now and the water is flowing. So maybe we'll take a boat. If we get on the river and then we'll pour out your gooey remains. You're not sure how big the river was. You're barely even sure where the river was. Oh, fuck. Yeah, all right, all right. Leo, I think this is what we're going to do.

I think Cartmichael would like to be with Kriff and Kriff would like to be with Cartmichael and all those moose heads. Yeah. Grayson puts the barrel with you guys. I thought you were, like, going to break down into a wraparound. That's what it sounded like. I was trying to be sloshing barrels and bones. So, yeah, Grayson, like, rolls the barrel,

sets it down next to you guys. Maybe he throws a tarp over it as well. He gives Leo a hug and then he says, I'll be right back. Oh, my God. Okay. So, Leo, here's the deal. This is very close to the icy river, but it's obviously not very icy now. I know.

Do you reckon maybe we can either – We'll go to the river where it was flowing and we can do that. I mean, can we maybe find Markov? I can try. Markov didn't live in old Ashen. Markov lived in Terria. Here's what we'll do. Oh, God.

Sorry. So did Dustin. Or he does now. Good answer. Oh, Dustin. Why don't we go. Here's what we'll do. We'll go back to the inn.

Stop rubbing your nose against the pop locker. Jesus. You filthy boy. I know. I accidentally licked it before. I thought you said pop and locker and I was very amused by locker. Jesus. You filthy boy. I know. I accidentally licked it before. Ew. Ew. I thought you said pop and locker and I was very amused by that.

No, no. You know that bit. I didn't mean to lick it. So was Jackson. Anyway, why don't we go back to the inn where Markov was and we'll just, because if he's going to go anywhere, he'll go there because that's his favourite place. So if he's there, we'll ask him to come along. It's his favourite place. So he told you, well, he didn't tell you to stay, but he said he'd be right back and you're not going to stay here?

Oh, no, we'll wait for him to come back. But we're just having a discussion. We'll go back there and we'll see if Markov's there. But if Markov's not there, then unfortunately he won't be there. But, you know, it doesn't matter. Maybe, I'd say 15 minutes passes and Grayson comes back with this big Nordic guy and three goats with like empty satchel patches

Is that goats? Pretty big goats Why would you bring goats? I don't care, don't answer that Without saying anything, Grayson like starts between two of the goats, he works up like a makeshift, like a a net, and he like hefts the barrel and puts it on the net of the goats. He works up a makeshift net and he

hefts the barrel and puts it on the net. With the goats? I'm getting taken by goats to my final resting. Two goats are carrying him. And then on the third goat he just piles in a bunch of all of your miscellaneous stuff. He gestures to the big Nordic man. Didn't catch his name.

Don't really know their language so well. But he's going to guide us. Do we know him? Can you just go up? I was about to be like It's Markov! Touch your ear! That's how you know! You touch his ear.

You flick the ears. I'd like to flick his ear. For real? Yes. So you have to get onto your tippy toes to do it. He leans back. He doesn't know what's about to happen. You flick his ear and he seems very nonplussed. Maybe it's

a racial thing. They just don't care about their ears. That seems reasonable. I put a hand on the barrel. Are we walking by and we have horses? What have we got? Goats. I like put like a hand on the barrel and then where are we walking by? We have horses. What do we got?

Goats. I want a goat. You're tiny. You won't be riding. Climb on top of the barrel. But can I ride the goat? It'll be all gooey. The barrel's not gooey.

The inside is. The inside's gooey as hell. I just imagined a slush. Oh no, it's a beast of burden. You wouldn't be able to ride it. It's carrying too much. I put my hand on Griff's, Griff barrel. I just imagined a slush. Oh, no, it's a beast of burden. You wouldn't be able to ride it. It's carrying too much. I put my hand on Criff Barrel. Barrel Criff.

Criff Barrel. Criff Barrel. Criff Barrel Barrel Criff. Take a moment. That's the closest I've ever come to your full name. It's so beautiful. And, yeah. Okay, off we go.

Okay, you chuff off. Stop making slushy noises. That's the noise I make off we go Okay you chuff off Stop making slushy noises You're travelling for maybe A week and every time you Pass a river Grayson looks up and down As if he would know what it was But he like checks it himself And he asks like you two if it's the river

You can't tell I'd like to pick one I'd like to pick one. I'd like to just pick one. Really? For real? How far in do you go until you just pick one? Maybe like the third one. Rude. Hold on a second.

Is there a chance that I would actually recognize the river and we're getting closer to it? It was a barren wasteland. I'm just going to pick the third one. Leo's super distraught. He won't even notice. Oh, yeah. This is the one. I know.

Son of a bitch. There's a bridge going over this one. I can feel it. It was a bridge with Carmichael. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is.

That's why you went in, because there was a bridge that you could have crossed. Yeah, that's why we crossed it, because there was a bridge. Wait, there's a bridge. You idiots. But if there's a bridge out, we wouldn't move it. We'd move on. Next time then, you son of a bitch. Yes.

Oh, hang on. Yeah, Leo, you don't make the connection. Yeah, this is it. This is the one. I remember it. I remember it well. I'd like to note that I am in a very... The bridge was underwater.

The bridge was underwater. I'd like to make it a very difficult point of that I am stuck between making Grayson happy and then dealing with Leo's morning This entire trip, Grayson He's been good? He's been not stepping lively but he's been like, if people slow down

he's like, come on, we've got to get going He's keen At some point he starts just randomly he'll flip on He's keen. And at some points he starts like just randomly. He'll flip on a tangent and start talking about this dog he grew up with. You're not sure what it's about, but you keep bringing it up. You feel it's somehow related to what you're doing. I'm going to like, I'm not going to prod, but I'm going to be a very supportive.

Oh my God. Girlfriend? I'm going to be a supportive girlfriend? The dog's name was Tiger for those of you listening. Oh, god. Girlfriend? I'm going to be a supportive girlfriend? The dog's name was Tiger, for those of you listening. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Alright, yeah. I'm just going to slowly, like, just be really supportive. Always ask how Tiger, you know. Classic

Tiger. Tiger was like a mutt. You learn a lot about Tiger. He goes the fuck on about Tiger. Good. It's good. He needs to get it out. He's been too busy spearing people, you know? Jackson or Chris Pom Pom. So anyway, you're at the water. Uh-huh.

God damn it. How are you going to do this? Just roll the barrel in? Roll the barrel. Tap me. Tap it. No, like get a crowbar and just wash it, pour into the river. Yes.

Hold on. No, we would like to have a small ceremony where Leo and I can say a few words, Grayson can say a few words, and then we will... Do we have any musical instruments? No, we attacked a zombie with it. Yeah, we did. Grayson does.

He's never played it, though. Oh, what? What's he got? Please be a harpsichord. Please be a harpsichord. A viol. We would like him to play some sort of... No, I don't want to prompt him.

I want him to just do it. He's not going to. Okay, I would like to prompt him to perhaps play... He's not any good at it. That's fine. That goes with the whole fucking adventure we're on. So we would like him to half-heartedly play the viola. Do you ask him?

Yeah, on the way. And I'll be like, look, it would be really nice if you played some somber tunes. I was like, he has such a, he's got no modifier. So it's not going to be impressive unless he gets a 20. And he got a 20. So we would like to say a few words. It's pretty impressive. While we are tipping...

He's impressed. ...Cripps remains into the river, I would like him to play a very sombre... What do you say about me? What do you say about me? Well, I think Leo can go first. Okay. He was a good friend, loyal.

Did we grow up together? What did we do? I don't think so. I love the idea of you asking the barrel thing. Did we grow up together. We had good times. We were both kicked out of our prospective schools of things. We bonded over capturing a princess. What a time we had.

He will be missed and he leaves behind a beautiful tabby cat who I can imagine now is catching pirate mice. Kriff, you will be missed. Pirate mice, there's an idea. That's a freebie from me to you, Adam. Roll for me. How beautiful is my speech? Yeah.

It's good. It's good. All right. It's good. Moving. Excellent. Does Grayson shout a tear? Is he just weeping as he plays the viola?

Grayson's pretty stoic. Yeah? Grayson's pretty stoic. Yeah, Grayson's pretty stoic throughout the entire thing. I bring up Cartmichael as well. You want him to cry. I bring up Cartmichael and that we were all so good. How we were moved when we lost Cartmichael. And now that I hope that. No sad face.

No, actually, no, he wouldn't even be sad. No, he stops playing. He just, like, breaks down a little. In the afterlife. I'm going to hold him. That Griff can team up with Cartmichael and they can go on rad adventures and collect all the moose head that they ever want. And I will miss him because they were my best friends.

I think I might actually cry, guys. It's not worth playing anymore. It's going to be a good time. Grayson, like, you know, grabs you by the shoulder, leads you away a little bit. Then he walks over himself, puts a hand on the barrel, and he's silent for a good long while. And then he finally says

I'm just gonna miss you mate oh I didn't even have that many interactions with him I did you were on the boat with him for months oh that's true we would have hung out at some point shot the shit when he wasn't being sick overboard or banging

Ainsley over here in those brief interludes. In between vomiting. Yeah, that's true. I would like to say some words to Griff and to say that when I was first captured, I thought my life was over.

But really, it just began. Aww. And without his gentle support and everything he's done, he... And then I just break down. How much guilt do they feel? It should

be a lot. I don't know. Grayson isn't at fault here. I don't feel like... I don't think we're feeling guilty. Sorry, man. I just think we're just sad. I would like to actively avoid mentioning the fact that the reason Griff died was because he tried to get me another date. Wow, that's a super awkward thing to bring up.

Speaking of which, Grayson hugs you very tightly when you break down. I would like to completely avoid that entirely. Just even from your own mind? Just trying to suppress it? The listeners will always know. Yeah, yeah, no.

Well, I mean, I didn't. Yeah, it's fine. I just. Yeah, justify it to yourself. That's fine. Make whatever excuses you need to make. I've had a year of guilt, Griff. I know exactly how I feel.

I was pretty sloshed that night, so I don't remember that much at all. So I feel zero guilt. I can't remember anything. No, you remember. I feel a little was pretty sloshed that night, so I don't remember that much at all. So I feel zero guilt. I can't remember anything. No, you remember. I feel a little pang of guilt. So, yeah, and then I would like to back away and then pass the crowbar to Leo because he's the assassin. Okay, this is my favourite part.

God damn it. Okay. No, as you're going over to the crate with the crowbar, Grayson walks over. Grayson turns, like he's hugging you, Ainsley. And as he's hugging you, he like turns around and you feel him tense a little bit as that's happening. He lets you go and he's like trying to do it tactfully, but it's kind of half a run. He gets up to Leo.

He holds, he grabs you by the shoulders, Leo, and he says, I think it's better to let him go like this. How much built up gas is he? Yeah, my point. Oh my God, I would explode. My point, yeah. I was so hoping he would not notice. I wanted you guys to get covered in it. Couldn't you just poke a hole in it?

That'd be just as bad. Maybe we can tie some rocks. Then it'd be like a fucking spinning barrel shooting out goo everywhere. What a way to go. Can we tie some rocks onto the barrel and push it in? Yeah, because otherwise I'll just float away. Some fisherman will be like,

what's that? Oh my god. Cracks it open, covered in you. I'm not sure if a sealed barrel would float. It would float, yeah. Especially considering it would be full of gas, it would be so buoyant. It's true, it's true. Grayson nods and says,

don't worry, I'll do it. Grayson, I have an idea. Why don't we walk away And then we'll just shoot it with an arrow That's the way I'd have wanted to go A flaming arrow A flaming arrow like a viking funeral Yeah and then it explodes in the distance And it'll be great

No I think You said Carmichael sunk to the bottom I think he'd want to go to the bottom Let's sink him Grayson doesn't say this, but not explode when the fire flaming arrow bursts through. Grayson is such a champ. He's such an

angel. I know. Jack, sorry we botched resurrecting you. We're really sorry. Cunts. Not even mad. Because I think there's no chance now. You'd open me up in front of a cleric and he'd be like,

this is so gross. Why would you do it? What's wrong with you? Vomit mixed with you. Then somebody's going to have to mop me up. What are you doing with my pickled head? I guess you've just still got that. No, we didn't cut it off.

It's in the barrel. Oh, you cunts. I've got your spell book. It's not even as good. Now I want you to explode me so that maybe you can get my head. But I'm dead. So, oh well. Drop me in the river with a donkey.

What did you guys do with the pickled head? It's in our backpack. I don't even want to know. I don't want to know. I just don't. I don't care. We're going to take that to Goldcrest. I'm tired. Anywho, we push him into the...

No breaks this whole time. Push him into the river. Yeah, Grayson attaches some rocks with rope, I guess. What he'd do is he'd get a sack, fill it with rocks, tie them together. That'd be easier. As we watch it go, I like hold Ainsley's hand and squeeze it.

Goodbye, guys. Grayson says like a little, not Grayson, sorry, the big guy, the Nordic guy who came with you. You still don't know his name. He says something as you're like, he knows, I guess, that you're committing a fallen friend. So he says something and it sounds poetic in his language, that you're committing a fallen friend. So he says something and it sounds poetic in his

language, but you don't understand what he says. That's beautiful. One of you should put down just like a piece of wood, write my name on it. It's in a river. Just next to the river. It's in the water now. Is there a tree around? It's a... It's a barren...

It's a tree. It doesn't matter. It is a barren wasteland. Highs or lows? Highs. It doesn't matter. It's a barren wasteland. Wait, there's a bridge nearby, yeah? I fucked that up, though, because I forgot to say it before I rolled it. Because it is a barren wasteland.

There's the bridge, yeah? Yeah, there's the bridge. Other than that, it's a feature. It's a wooden bridge, yeah? No, it's stone. You can carve in stone. Yeah, right. If you loved Yeah, there's the bridge. Other than that, it's a feature. It's wooden bridge, yeah? No, it's stone. You can carve in stone. Yeah, right. If you loved me.

I go up to the bridge and get one of my daggers out and just start trying to chisel in, Kriff was here. But spelt poorly because I've had no proper education. W-A-Z. Yeah. Or just W-O-S. Yes. I could put my full name there, but I guess not.

That's not what you would have done. What do you want to do after that? Ainsley, I think. Or you think. I'm dead. That's true. I don't think at all. My brain is mush.

We started something with Griff of killing wizards. Yes. Let's continue that by killing wizards. All right. And I might become one And I hug that spellbook extra close I can dual class, yes Adam? You want to be a wizard? Good

Hug it extra tight Becoming a wizard, multi-classing Man, that's such a hassle You know what? We'll just do this next season on D&D is for Nerds. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.

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