D&D is For Nerds - Welcome to Ogg Nott II #12 Gronoth Many Heads

Episode Date: May 14, 2016

Welcome to Ogg Nott Season 2In which our heroes try to kill their mark. We eat around the dwarf, go to the fighting pits and karma rears it's ugly head. Cassius realises they don't ask many questions, Princess Ansley is not ready to die and Leo is just too short. So join us as we visibly cry. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio, drink it till you make it. and there's no age restriction so get in bloody quick details of how to do what i just said to do are in the show notes below this episode also one more thing our sister show plowing the death star has recently released a usb cassette tape like we did with dnd that one time it's got 135 apps some of which have yet to be released as well as 30 episodes of movie maintenance and a seven hour special bonus role-playing adventure using dinosaur parkaur Park, the 1985 tabletop RPG, winner of the Gary Gygax Award for Seekness and center of a satanic panic in 1989. Exclusive bloody as. All of the details for all that are in the show notes,

so check it out. Seek. Also, I guess Patreon is sick and it's full of bonus shit. Give it a bloody look, you loo. Enjoy the show, you dirtbags. Yeah, that's a classic. I think it's a classic. I'm eating a sandwich. Bye!

There's nothing sadder than a group of adults sitting around a table rolling percentiles to determine loot. But that is exactly what we are doing today. Welcome to episode 37 of D&D is for Nerds. As always, I'm Joel Zamet, playing the part of Leo Shadow, and across the table from me, with the biggest, beautiful, baby blue eyes, Jackson B. Bailey, playing the part of Cassius Christie. Yeah!

And next to him we have Ali Kathleen with dull, mousy,. The hazel, all right. The hazel. Brown, brown, brown. Brown eyes playing the part of Ainsley Foggyfeather. And, of course, our blind DM, Adam Crazyboots. Where's the eggs? Shut up, Adam. Previously on D&D is for Nerds. Cassius, stop hitting his arm.

What's wrong with you? This is the most embarrassing fight I've ever had. Everything just, like, turns to black for you. I cheer. Oh, man. Two of them. Total bait. These are some bathing doors.

The shaman, David, has spoken with the leader of this tribe, Gronoth Manyheads. What if you disguised yourself and you went in and you were like, hey, mate. Wah! All right. Hey, mate. Wah. Hey, mate. Wah. What if you disguised yourself and you went in and you were like Hey mate, wah! Alright Hey mate, wah Hey mate, wah

That's the plan These guys have existed only in a world where the strong live and the weak die So now that you're in the encampment You finally get to see the enemy for the first time How many orcs? You would estimate this war tribe to be maybe, it's like really hard, really rough estimate, but you would say 300 odd.

We can't fight 300 orcs, gang. Yeah, I know. Let's just be diplomatic and lovely. Don't punch anyone, Cassius. Okay, we just need to make sure we get David in a room by himself or at least where other orcs can't see and try and

take him out. I forget the word here, but do you guys know a Viking, is it called a longhouse? I forget the word. It's long something, isn't it? I think it's long haul. Nope. Nope. Something like that. What's it called?

I know that a long boat is a thing. Well done. So is a long bow. Yes. And a long John Silver. It's not a thing. I think it's like a food actually. A long house?

Long house. There's like a word. Anyway, this permanent structure has a very like Viking sort of feel to it. It's one large room with maybe one smaller off room. You can see a door. A mead hall. A mead hall. Yeah, that type of a look.

Yeah, the photos don't help for the audience, though, is what I'm finding. Yeah, I'm showing you, you piece of shit. No, that's a long house. Look, we'll call it a mead hall, yeah? There's one massive table that dominates this room. I don't know. And up one end, there's a big chair made out of bone. Sitting at the chair is what you assume to be Gronoth Manyheads.

You know why he's called Manyheads. So there's all these curved horns and stuff like that. And sitting on every single one of them is a dwarf head, like mummified. Oh, God. There's maybe about as many dwarf heads here as you saw orcs in this encampment i'm so afraid standing on either side of gronoth is a human in resplendent red robes he looks nothing like fenrir this guy like on the lamb looks like he's living as well as he did in a palace.

Oh, Jesus. And on the other side is, like, a very old-looking orc. She has long, wispy white hair. She's, like, hunched over a little bit. And, like, her skin is sagging all over the place. She's wearing, like, bone necklaces and stuff like that. She looks like she might be another shaman. So she was an orc?

Yes, she is an orc. Is there any reaction from David when he sees Fenrir? Oh, David when he sees Fenrir. Oh, right. I forgot you were disguised. Sorry. No, it's alright. I forgive you, Adam.

Forgive me too. He like raises an eyebrow but that's about it. I forgive you, Adam. Forgive me, too. I don't. He, like, raises an eyebrow, but that's about it. All that rolling consulting papers. Raises an eyebrow. He notices you, but, like, he doesn't seem surprised necessarily. Cool. Gronoth gestures for you guys to sit at the table near him. Okay, I do.

Yep, we sit there. I don't think doing anything other than what he says is a bad idea. I like that a lot of our adventures have been like, meet powerful people, have a meal. Have a dinner. I was just thinking that as well. This is very, for me, it's reminiscent of the Pirate King. Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, you guys sit down, and there's already a meal in progress going on. What kind of meal? It's more of those big bowls. It's literally every plate is meat. It's literally every plate is meat. It's like different types of meat. Hoedown. One of them looks like dwarf.

I don't hoedown. It's like a headless, legless, armless. It's hard to tell, but it looks like dwarf torso. Oh, that's so not cool. Oh, boy. Adam, why? Orcs are fucked. Adam, don't.

You son of a bitch. Anyway, yeah, the dwarves, like, sorry, Redman sits down, but the dwarven guards don't. They just stand near him and look very nervous. Redman is, like, chatting with Grunoth. He's, like, sitting next to Grunoth at the table. And they're chatting together in Orcish.

Damn. The Orcish. The Orc that led you guys in sits down among you guys sort of as well. Yeah. And Grayson makes a point of sitting next to him. Grayson's having an under-his-breath conversation with this Orc, but the Orc isn't getting that message, so the Orc is responding at full voice. But Grayson's still trying to whisper things um you guys oh god one of us should have learned orcish i just like how this whole oh wow

yeah all three of you all three of you notice as he's having this conversation grayson is like you guys have like uh a knife but no fork because they with their hands so the knife is like for cutting if you can't tear your meat apart. Grayson's like got one of the knives and he's gripping it with like a fucking death grip. I would like to do the same. Sure thing. Let's all grab knives. I'm gonna keep giving Grayson a look like

I don't have knives. I just got a weapon. A subtle one. Oh hang on wait. I'm giving Grayson a look like what's going on? That's a lot of knives. Grayson looks at you with, like, fear in his eyes. Oh, this is going to go so bad, guys. Oh, God. Okay, Grayson does, like, a thing.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I've definitely been more scared. Cassius, you don't notice it, but Redmond, Ainsley, and Leo, you notice it as well. I'm too involved in the meat. The three of you, minus Cassius Look at Grayson Oh actually, are you just looking at Grayson? Yeah, yeah, yeah

Grayson doesn't mind He pretends to sneeze after that And then he starts rubbing his nose Oh god, oh god And Redmond Very subtly just shakes his head. So Grayson wants to fight. Good.

Manly. Good, but what if he dies? It's bad. What's David doing? David, he's just, like, staring at you guys. He's probably fixing you with a pretty intense gaze, Leo, but he doesn't say anything. He's just still standing.

He looks like he's waiting for the meal to be done. Cool. Do we just eat? Just eat He looks like he's waiting for the meal to be done. Cool. Do we just eat? Act like everything's super normal? Actually, you know what as well? Hey, this is a regular meal with some old fellas. Yeah, Leo, this other shaman is fixing you with a very intense glare

as well. Her expression is hard to read, but she seems very angry with you. Have a wizard meeting. Be like, wizard meeting! Yeah, so you guys just gonna go down into... I'm just gonna wait until...

Act like everything's super normal. Probably not gonna eat the meal, maybe just kind of... Well, I'm not gonna eat the dwarf, I'll eat around it. Eat around it. Eat around the dwarf. If you don't like the dwarf, just eat around it. the dwarf if you don't like your dwarf just eat around just cut it up so that it looks like you ate something move it around a bit yeah i'm gonna do i'm gonna be like rub my stomach super good the meal passes um quotation marks uneventfully in that like at one point at several points like two orcs will have a discussion or an argument

which ends in one of them grabbing the other one, dragging them, and a fist fight happening. There's a bunch of fights break out during the thing, but other than laughing at the loser, none of the other orcs really do anything. The dwarves are just getting more and more tense as this goes on. And Redman's getting a little red in the face as he talks to Gronoth. I thought we were going to a little tiny, like, tent city.

You know, maybe like 12 or whatever. Not 300. Sometimes I get the feeling that we don't think things out as a group. We just dive headfirst into... We didn't ask any questions about this place. We asked a couple, but the CEO was like, I'm fucking no. You're a pretty shit CEO.

Anywho. Here we are. Hey, I teleported you, he says. From beyond the sea. Far away. Just like in his office. I teleported you. Less than half-cocked. Yes. Less than half cocked.

Yes. Less than half cocked. Here we are. The meal eventually ends, and Gronoth stands up. Everyone else stands up. You guys, like, get the message. Yeah, no, it's like sort of a thing

where all the orcs know to stand up. You guys see the orcs, and then you're like, oh, yeah, stand up, stand up. Oh, okay. Yes. Gronoth, like, gestures with his hand with his hand he's like doing some sort of he's making a speech you guys don't understand what he's saying okay but he gestures a bunch and he at one point points to redmond and then he points to grayson

and then he points to that's bad oh cassius as well oh shit oh shit. Oh, shit. Hold on. Give a little thumbs up. Oh, my God. Look at Grayson. Yeah, Grayson, like, looks at Cassius, and Grayson is, like, under his breath. Like, under his breath, he's like, Cassius, you fuck, you motherfucker. What did you do? You fucking Cassius.

What did you do? No, I'm not. What did you actually do? I don't know. I just ate around the door. Is that what it was? Gronoth, like, steps down, stands, like, near where Redmond and Cassius are, and he, like, grabs both of your gauntlets and puts your hands up,

like, you know, like a boxing guy in the ring or something like that. Oh, my goodness. And he, you know, he yells something to the crowd, and all of the orcs start, like, Oh, my God, oh, my God god, oh my god, oh my god. And then he yells a line in orcish and he repeats it in common. He yells, to the fighting pits! Oh no!

I look at both of you with a look of utter terror on my face. Everyone starts filing out. Cassius, you're like caught up with this massive crowd of orcs But Leo and Ainsley You guys are like left behind As well as Grayson The dwarves go with as well Grayson what's happened

He saw that Redman was wounded Asked him about it Redman explained And then they were like Fighting pits Who's he gonna fight I don't know I don't know what the fighting pits are.

What's the wizard doing? Oh, David is like, he's, when you guys started having that conversation, David was like eyeing you guys. The shaman is also here still. Cool. So all the orcs are going off with Cassius. Yeah.

Leaving us as I look at David. David, we need to talk. Sounds like David's in trouble. No, it doesn't take a step down. I'm sorry, he's on the same level as you. He steps over to you. What about? He's like, say, I try to bluff my way and say some adventurers are hunting us.

I've killed a seer. They're looking for us. Well, you could just, I mean, some adventurers are hunting us is true. Yeah, I'm basically omitting the fact that it's me. That's a kind of lie. David nods his head. Okay, and what do you propose you do about it? So who's in the room?

It's you, Ainsley, Grayson, the shaman, David, and basically everyone else is fucked off now. I like... Rub your nose? Rub my nose, put my hand on David's shoulder, and then just activate my Assassin's Creed knife near his neck. As you're, like, reaching out, Grayson, like, just closes his eyes in a pained expression.

Like, he knows it's going to happen and there's nothing he can do to stop it. Grayson just closes his eyes in a pained expression. He knows it's going to happen and there's nothing he can do to stop it. Also, you can't put your hand on his shoulder. You look like a human, but you're as tall as a half-length scale. Oh, damn it! Just stab him in the dick. In the belly or something. He'll fight back from that.

Well, what can he do? He can't climb up. I can't climb. Like, I don't know, artery or something? Just a sneak attack with a femoral. Wait, is that the femoral? Yeah, the femoral. Tell me arteries, Ali. I'm off to die in the fight.

Femoral. Yeah. Femoral, ephemeral. Ephemeral. When you guys didn't know what was happening, oh, my God, I was so happy. Well, to be honest, we still don't. I assume I'm off to die in the fighting pits.

Sayonara, gang. But Nat Bonet can use bull strength. Yes, and I will. They'll know that you use it. I don't give a fuck. I'm not trying to impress any dwarves now. I'm just trying to survive. You deal

What's that? For 9 points of damage Have I fucked up? Who knows who's gonna die? This boy, everybody's gonna die Orcs are gonna eat me They won't eat you They'll probably eat all of us

No, whatever Dying's fine Take it from someone who's been there It's alright No, whatever. Dying's fine. Take it from someone who's been there. It's all right. Dying's all right. I am not ready to die, guys. I know you guys are like, no, it's fine.

No, I am in a committed relationship. I'm engaged. I put a lot of time, effort, and hours into this. I know, I know. I'm not ready. You're not ready to go. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. Okay, so first it will be Ainsley.

Ainsley. Rapid shot him in the face. Oh, yeah. No, I'm not. You know how usually I'm just like angry in the dick. No, not this time. Classic Ainsley. This is going to be like I am so close to getting married.

None of you fuckers, not even this David cunt, can fuck it up for me, all right? Ainsley. No, this is going to be like, I am so close to getting married. None of you fuckers, not even this David Kant, can fuck it up for me. Ainsley, you're first? Yeah, I am. You're like standing across the table from these guys. So you're safe to draw your bow and use it if you want. I will do that. I will do that. You can't do rapid shot because you need a full round to do rapid shot.

Can I just ask a quick question? Yeah. Are there any plants in the room? No. We're going to try. Unless you count dwarven torso as a plant. I do. That's a joke, though, because there's none left.

They did not leave any meat. That must have been traumatizing for me to see. Probably. You fire your arrow. Yeah, that'd be a hit. Yeah. Whip be a hit. Yeah. Whip. Come on, come on.

My plan is hopefully that we kill him quickly, and then we have to go at the shaman. Not bad. It's only one point less than what Leo did. Yes. So you hit with your bow. Yeah, that'll be a hit. Yes.

So what happens is, Leo, like draw your blade you jab it into his side he you know he like gives it a bit of that ducks a little and then like in the top of his head ali plants an arrow yes he's not dead though you guys are wizard killing we're getting better oh cool uh would it be better just bring your thing out and go again. Or would it be better to rapier and get him? You can do either one, really. What's better? I guess the rapier would be better. Rapier?

We better watch out for that shaman lady, Orc. I know. She's going to make you both. She's going to fuck us up. She's going to fuck us up. Turn you into pumpkins. Make you a carriage. Yeah.

That's why I want to kill this wizard first. Hold on. Then we can go get him. That's 13 points of damage. Oh, what? Bloody Leo. Well, I'm can go get him. That's 13 points of damage. Oh, what? Bloody Leo. I'm a wizard as well. I've got spells.

Oh, yeah. I forgot about this. There's a whole printout and everything. Yeah, so now it's his turn. Damn. He, what's he going to do? He's going to take a step back. I don't need the book.

I know how this spell works. He brings his hands up and he yells in Draconic, the dragon language, which none of you understand anyway. He yells some words and then fire bursts from his hands and washes over everyone here. I would duck. Well, that's a reflex save, Ali. No, I'm not.

I'm not at the back, am I? No. I just decided in my mind. I was like, I'll be behind him. I'll duck behind a pot plant. Non-existent, ain't no pot plants in this land. And then where's Grayson? Oh, God.

Oh, God, Grayson's going to survive because he's the handsomest. Yes. Yes. How great would it be if we all died and then Adam just continued to play by himself just as Grayson. Adam just ran adventures for Grayson and we watched. Grayson's not going to be around

much longer, guys. Why? Why do you do this, Adam? Why? You all take six damage. Six? That's nothing. Not you.

No, I know. I'm saying... I thought you were going to write down your damage for the first time in your life. Yeah, that's true. Everybody... Yeah, I know. I've got 32.

I'm in the fighting pits. Wow, I took six damage. I'm on 16. What the fuck? You're weak. I'm so weak. It's because I took that point in Wizard. I should have just been like, full rogue, but I didn't.

You wouldn't have that many more hits. Well, you would have some more hit points. A little more. Hey, you'll be right. Okay, so then it's Grayson's turn. Grayson draws his spear and just hocks it across the table at him. I love that he has a spear. That's the sexiest weapon.

He is. Yeah, that's it. He is. Yeah. He is. Because you need strength as well as precision. And the moment you pull it back, that pose. That 300. Rippling 300 monsters. Yeah. As in.

The spear, like, gets David straight through. Like, you know, Ainsley, you know how you got him in the head? Yeah. Oh, it was his turn first. Sorry. David's turn. Oh, it was his turn first, sorry. David's turn. Oh, no, it's right. He's got burning hands, yeah.

You know how you got him, like, in the head with your arrow? Yes. He gets him in his head with the spear. How does he survive that? He doesn't. He, like, falls over, and he's, like, propped up on the spear. Yes! Yes!

We did it! You did ruin the head. We got to kill the shaman. There's still that shaman. There's still that shaman. The shaman does nothing. Ah! Wicked killers! You didn't ruin the heads. There's still that shaman. The shaman does nothing. The shaman just takes a step back, with a passionless eye, surveys the situation. And then what?

And then does nothing. You might as well kill him. She says like a word in orcish, and then spits on David's corpse. Grayson explain ask her stuff what happened

what's the deal Grayson starts talking in orcish the shaman starts explaining and Grayson's like ah yeah so

David's taking the shaman's job this was oh so we helped you side note kind of yeah not how I expected

this to turn out. Yeah, not at all. But okay, go on. I was going to kill her. The shaman's frankly pretty happy with us. Get the shaman to come. Happy is a subjective term. He says happy, and then the shaman shakes her head and says something,

and Grayson's like, well, happy is a subjective term. And then can we ask her, be like, can we get out of here, Scott Free? Ask Grayson to ask her not just that, but what the hell David was doing. Was he mind controlling? Was he doing shit? All that kind of crap. Grayson asks about the mind controlling. Shaman says no, Grayson says.

Grayson asks about will we get out of here alive? Shaman starts laughing and Grayson says, I'm taking that as a no. Then maybe kill her? Shaman says some stuff and Grayson says, well, that as a no. Then maybe kill her? The shaman says some stuff and Grayson says well the shaman's not going to tell um Gronoth that you know what happened. Like out of courtesy

for what we did she's not going to say anything but we need to like skedaddle now. He's a rap in this soul. We can get going now. Quick question. What is in... Fighting possessions? Are you going to loot?

Have a little loot. Have a bit of the loot of David. Well, he had the really nice robes, which are kind of stained now. I'll take them. I will take them. You're not there to take them. Does he have anything on him,

like a spell book or something? He does have a spell book, yeah. I'm going to take that spell book. Okay, you opening it to look at it? Not yet. Good man. Wise. We've learnt.

We've had experiences with magic spell books before. All spell books are magic. Put that in the backpack. Do we need his head? Yeah. Guys, that's our thing. Do we need his head? Slash, what are we going to do with the body?

Just leave it. The shaman's like wandering out. As she wanders out, she's like saying something to herself in orcish, and she like chuckles. She's obviously making some sort of joke to herself. Does Grayson hear the joke? It doesn't really translate properly. Grayson says, in that

orcs are an awful people. Alright, so we need to get his head and hide the body somewhere. Hey, you know, if I were you... Grayson retrieves his spear as well. I was going to say put the hat of disguise on him, but I think you need to be conscious or alive. And also have a head, which we're about to cut off.

Grayson, like, puts the body on the table and he drags it so that the head is just lying slightly off the table. He takes out his long sword. Oh, my God. Because we fail at this every time. No, you get the last one good. The last wizard you killed, and I say you, the table he takes out his long sword oh my god because we fail at this every time man this is the last one good i'm so the last wizard you killed and i say you because i just watched from a rock like cleanly slices the head off yes it's like it's punctured yeah other than the arrow and

the spear hole it's perfectly uh captured head chuck it in the backpack. I have three heads in my backpack. That's awesome. The bottom of your bag is like moldy and wet. That's disgusting. Let's get you a new backpack. Yeah. Next thing. Add some head jars.

Head jars. Mason jars. Or glad wrap. Glad wrap will do it. There's no glad wrap. It's the fantasy. All right. This worked.

Yeah. Pig and tusk. This worked better than I ever expected. I never thought we'd get this far. What do we do now? Grayson opens his mouth to say something and then closes it. And he puts his hands on the table and he starts going red in the face. Ainsley, you're crippled by pain.

This is bad. This is bad. You look at your ring. I knew it I fucking knew it You piece of shit No On either side of the ring

The flesh is bubbling As if it was on fire It's agony You need to take the ring off now Ainsley you take Agony. You need to take the ring off now. Ainsley, you take four points of damage. I guess I will take the ring off. Fuck it. I told you, fuckers.

I said to all of you, fuck. Hey, that's Grayson. Grayson took the ring. You encouraged him. I was blind. You look at Grayson. You guys look up and down at the suit of armor he's wearing. Oh, no. The suit of armor he took from the dragon's treasure. He's like gripping the table with a vice-like grip.

He's paralyzed with pain. You can tell. I want to run over and try to take it off. Because I want to put it on the dead body of the dude that we just killed. You touch his armor and you take... The straps. No, you touch anything on his armor, you take eight points of damage. Oh, boy. Oh, man, Leo, you're on eight hit points.

You know, if you guys die here, it's just all me and the fighting pits. Grayson collapses. Don't cry, Ainsley. What are you guys doing? We need to... Get the shaman girl back. No. The shaman is still in the room.

She turns around and gives you guys a curious glance. Help? She starts shuffling over. The flesh around Grayson's neck is bubbling. Grayson's gonna die. You guys can't see. That's the only exposed sort of part.

You can also smell burning flesh. Keep healing him with your wand of healing. You get 53, though. Just keep on healing him. I got 49, but yeah. Keep doing that so we know he's gonna be healed. This is gonna be bad for him, because if we heal him to consciousness, and then he's in pain.

Anyway, keep doing that so we don't kill him. Are you going to heal him with the wand? Will it do anything, Adam? It might keep him alive. Keep doing that. I'm going to try and find something to like my hand so I don't burn or whatever the armor is. Like dragon gauntlets? Like dragon gauntlets would be nice.

I didn't just... Well, I did fight the guy, but we didn't know that would come out. The shaman, like, kneels down next to Grayson and, like, runs a hand over him. Not touching,

but, like, over him and she's muttering something to herself. Okay. She seems in deep concentration. Ainsley, what are you doing? Grayson is, like, unconscious

and in his, like, unconsciousness he's whimpering. Oh, my God. Wand of healing. Wand of healing. Just keep on healing. Give it a go and then see what Charmin Lady says slash see what happens.

We didn't get the wand of healing from the same cave, did we? Cassius. No, no. Oh, God. We're jumping to you now. Oh, no. We bought it with Cassius. What?

Hold on. What? No. No. Out of your seat, Ali. I hate you so much. Cassius, you're led out to where the orcs were fighting before. Yes.

All the dwarves are with you. There's like, where the orcs were fighting is like a small, it's like a depression. You stand in the middle in the deepest spot. I think Allie has depression. I looked up from my character sheet. She's slumped on the table. I think visibly crying. Are you going to be alright, Allie stood in the middle the deepest part your shoulder you would be like

shoulder length with ground level so it goes a bit in cool is Redman there with me? yeah Gronoth gestures to these pits and he says something in orcish you don't understand then he repeats it again in common he says

who will challenge the dwarven female oh god come on fuck boys I say Who will challenge the dwarven female? Oh, God. No, no. Come on, fuckboys! I say... There's no fucking orcish translation. You can yell the orcish insult, if you remember.

I'll smack my armor and yell the insult. Fuck it! Okay, one, like, the orc that let you guys in, this massive, like, you look albino. Orcs usually got this greenish color to them. This guy's very white, pale tinged. He steps forward and says something in orcish. And the entire crowd erupts into cheers.

He is handed a big bat and they hand you a big bat. Yeah! You both step into the fighting pit. The fight begins. Don't look at me. He goes first. No! I'm gonna die! Just one bat and I'm gonna be like

spider leg, crawl out of the pit. Spider clone! It's not that kind of pit. It's like a ball. I would just wolf-cow. I probably can't, because then the orcs will destroy me. I feel like you can't leave the fighting pit once you're in the fighting pit. Do orcs, is it like a fighting pit to the death, Adam?

Orcish fighting pits are two men go in, one man comes out, and then the other one comes out a little later but he's the loser so everyone's like, you know, a bit mad at him. You have no idea. I feel like orcs don't do anything unless it's to the death. Imagine they're like, do you want to have dinner? To the death!

Who's like, do you want to have dinner? Or maybe like for a date. Yeah, do you want to go out with me? To the death! I don't know how that works. He charges at you. So yes. He swings. Ah, he misses you. You like duck under it.

Ah, but he gets you with the back swing. Oh no. So he swings once, you come up, you're like, Ha! And then he smacks you in the back. Jesus! Wait, what's a dwarf god? I keep saying Jesus. There ain't no Jesus.

Hey, look on the bright side. You get bonuses to fighting him. Do I? Yeah. You get like a plus one to attack and stuff. Because you're racial enemies. He gets bonuses to you, though. So that's not really a bonus.

It balances out. Are they the same bonus? Can you use? Oh, wait. No, they don't. Oh, okay. So he misses you on both counts then. Yeah!

Nice. Cassius! It's your turn, Cassius. Cassius. Um, can you use spells in Orcish? Do they give a shit? Or is that a... I don't care.

I'm going to. Because it's that or die. What's the bat made? It's wood, isn't it? Yeah, it's like a big wooden... It's like a club, really. That's alright. Flaming bat.

Yeah, I can only chill metal or heat metal. I can't do it to a bat. Not to a wood bat. Unless you just use it to your gauntlets. Could I do that to my gauntlets? Chill metal and heat metal would only hurt you. Think about it. If you're going to make it hot enough that when you punch it hurts

you're wearing the gauntlets man could you imagine wearing gauntlets that burn you that'd be awful guys yeah it would wouldn't it it would hurt it would hurt like fuck Adam it would hurt on the inside and the out

I don't have my weapons, I'm assuming. They've given you the club. You still have your scimitar and stuff. You still have it at your side, but they've given you it's assumed that you're supposed to use the club. That's fine. I'm going to cast Bull Strength. Okay, you take a step back.

You do that. Like a hush goes over the crowd. That's right cunts Cassius got spells Up her sleeves I can't help but love How every time You get really angry

And really deep I'm like Yeah lady I know I'm a great lady Dwarf Dwarf lady Dwarf

I'm dwarf first Lady second Handsome dwarf lady Okay cool Plus four to strength Yes Dwarf. Dwarven lady. Dwarf. I'm dwarf first, lady second. Handsome dwarf lady. Okay, cool. Plus four to strength. Yes. That'll be your turn, though. That's all right.

The orc takes a step forward, and he's going to keep fighting. Just ready for it. Ooh, he hits you on the first swing. I don't even care! And he knocks you on the second one. Oh, God! I do care. I care a little bit.

I care immensely. You take 12, 13 points of damage. I'm going to hit him back and hope I don't die. You should have sneakily healed. I still have my healing wand. That's true. I'm at 19? Yep.

You hit him back. Yeah, presumably. I'm at 19? Yep. You hit him back. Yeah. Presumably. Presumably. You miss. God damn it. You get a swing, and even with your enhanced strength. Oh, actually, no, wait.

Your enhanced strength. That's right. Son of a bitch. Does he get a backswing as well? Look at you, Cassius. Because it's a bat. Four. Got a backswing.

Maybe that's just a... Yeah, no, that would actually be a hit. Yes! You get him. Cassius! Cassius! Five damage. Huh?

Five. Hey, hey, whatever. I'll take it. What is it? What is it? Matalo, Matalo, Matalo. Cassius, Cassius, Cassius, Cassius, Cassius. What?

The orc starts frothing at the mouth. Oh, wait. Frenzy. Hmm. There's just like a moment I hit him i'm like oh no orcs oh hits you on the first one hits you on the second i'm just getting the shit smacked out of man you really you're taking a beat down this one aren't you i'm having no successes goodbye jackson barely dies twice are you fucking serious? I don't know

Although to be honest Death is better than what we're living through right now So it's fine Well you say that 8, 10, 16 damage Heal yourself You're on 3 hit points Yup

Can you heal yourself in time for the next salvo of blows? Will Ainsley actually kill Leo for this? Find out next time on D&D is for Nerds. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com Hey there, fellow adventurer. If you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content,

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