D&D is For Nerds - Welcome to Ogg Nott II #14 There and Back Again

Episode Date: May 28, 2016

Welcome to Ogg Nott Season 2In which our heroes have some time to relax. We make the return trip, play very sombre drinking games and we have a very awkward conversation about rough loving. Cassius is scared of the real dwarves, Princess Ansley goes shopping for a replacement and Leo asks a stupid question. So join us as we take painkillers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANSPENS RADIO, one of us is a ghost. Hello, just wanted to say a big... I've got so much hot glue in my teeth. Hello, just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone that turned out to the live show yesterday. Also, during the week, some of you might have seen 15 episodes appear in your podcast feed and then disappear after a few hours. So that was a mistake. Apologies for all that mess.

All that was the 15 episodes of our fifth ed adventure, The Merchant of Great Birth, that was a mistake. Apologies for all that mess. All that was the 15 episodes of our fifth ed adventure, The Merchant of Great Birth, that was attached to the USB tapes of D&D's for Nerds Season 1. This series is available for all of our patrons who donate over $5 a month, and we wanted to have a digital download for people who wanted to hear it, but without committing to the month-to-month. That's still on the table, but we're just working out all the technical stuff to avoid what happened midweek. So once again, apologies for all that. And now to make it up to you, we've put the first episode of The Merchant of Great Birth at the end of this episode.

Now, enjoy the show. Oh, just quickly, nearly forgot. We're up for a few podcast awards this year. D&D is for Nerds is up for People's Choice and Games and Hobbies. And three of our other shows are in the running in their respective categories. Just go to podcastawards.com and vote for your favourite shows. Voting opens up on the 29th, which I think is tomorrow, and you can vote once a day, every day. So thank you everyone for nominating us, and don't forget to vote daily. Now enjoy the show. There's nothing sadder than a group of adults sitting around the table dressed as their characters. But that's exactly what we'll be doing today.

Welcome to episode 39 of D&D is for Nerds. Sitting around the table, we have dressed as a ranger, Ally Kathleen, as Princess Ainsley Foggyfeather. I am rocking these leather pants, guys. We have dressed as a druid, Jackson Bailey as Cassius Christie. I brought in a real live owl, guys. It's looking at me. It's biting my shoulder.

It's shat everywhere. And dressed as a rogue, but with wizard's clothes, I guess, we have Joel Zammett as Leo Shadow. These clothes is itches, but I'm scared of the owls. They're also sized for a toddler. Your skin is red as always dressed in a hood, a Cape and nothing else.

I'm your DM Adam cream mustache. Um, that's definitely not, you know, it's what I had in my heart guys. It's what I have in my heart. Previously on D and D is for Nerds. You fuck with Cassius, you fuck with Mr. Booth.

But then Redmon, like, puts up his hands and yells something in Orcish. Redmon, I don't know what's happening. We gotta wait. Gronoth will regain consciousness eventually. And then he'll decide if we live or die. We need a good fighter to face their champion for the crime we just committed. I will do it.

You'll do it? I'll do it. I think you might be asked to hunt a beast, and then the first one who slays one and brings it back wins. Mr. Fists. Hmm? Protect Ainsley. Go with her.

Look after her. You have to track it, kill it, and bring it back yourself. So we pick up with Ainsley on her belly, stalking a herd of pig beasts. You're, like, crawling along the... Because there's no good hiding spots, you're, like, crawling along the ground. Yep.

If you got up and started shooting, they would immediately spot you. You don't know if they'd be hostile or run. Well, what other option do I have other than... Oh, I'm just saying that, like, if you started attacking now, you don't know if they'd be hostile or run? Well, what other option do I have other than... I'm just saying that if you started attacking now, you don't know if they'd be hostile or not. Or you could get Mr. Fist to... Mr. Fist doesn't... You can't get Mr. Fist to do anything.

He's a little... He did his best. I was like, yeah, Mr. Fist knows things. Oh, wait, no. He knows things with Cassius. Yeah, no, you can't do anything. Cassius perks up. Mr. Fist is telling... Mr. Fist is cur. Oh, wait, no. He knows things with Cassius. Yeah, no, you can't do anything. Cassius perks up. Oh, Mr. Fist is telling me stuff. Mr. Fist is, like, curled up next to you.

He's, like, been walking, like, on the ground with you. He's so cute. He doesn't want to alert them. You're, like, crawling, and you're, like, you know, on your hands and knees, and he, like, comes in underneath you. Oh, that's adorable. His little owl head, little owl beanie. He, like, I know, he has to, like, drag his head against, like,

your belly, Ainsley, so he can get the cap past his eyes. He's the greatest owl alive. I know. He's so good. He's, like, low to the ground, like, stalking. So what sort of options do I have? Because, like, I can't really hide. You can just get up and open fire now if you want.

Or you could, if you wanted to, you could try to get a bit closer if you're afraid that they'll run away at such speed that you can't catch them. How far away are they? Maybe about 100 meters. 100 feet, sorry. D&D works in feet. 100 feet. They're just within range.

The range of your bow is about 100, 110. Maybe get a bit closer. Yeah, I'd like to try and get a little tiny bit closer. And you roll two dice. One for you and one for me, Stuffy. You both get closer. That'll be funny until Mr. Fist fucks you. Mr. Fist gets massive bonuses today.

Oh, wait, no. What color is Mr. Fist? Brown. I'm sure he's not white. Doesn't matter. The earth here is black If he was white he'd stand out I always imagine him as a little brown barn owl

Yeah, because Mr. Fist is so small He gets massive bonuses to this Adorable You're maybe like 80 feet away now I think it's probably a good time to shoot Some wild beasts in the dirt No So this is a question I'm asked.

You don't know what the best option here is. You could go for a sick one, like a young one, or a full-grown adult. You're not sure if there's a difference. Going for a child may not work. That's not going to work. Wild beasts might get angry. A sickly one, they might not be able to tell. Yeah, that's what I'm aiming for.

Maybe one that seems slightly less spiky. There are like a bunch that are like obviously a bit... Gamey. Yeah, there's one that obviously has like a bum leg. It's like limping along. Get that guy. Nah, they won't notice that. It doesn't matter.

That's not the challenge. But it's dead. Yeah. The challenge is bring it back first. Yeah. You take a sickly one? Yep. Oh, yeah.

These pigs are like maybe motorcycle sized. They're big. Maybe I could ride one back. Oh, wow. Yeah? Is it? Oh, no. You hit twice, but does not confirm a critical.

That would have been neato-papito. I know. Love prevails once again. Two arrows bury themselves into its thick hide. The entire herd highs or lows at it. Ainsley? Run toward you, run away from you. Yeah.

I always go for highs or lows. They charge towards you. God damn it. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Mr. Fists, like, takes off. Smart. Not for me. See you later.

See you later. Mr. Fists is having like a grouchy box. See you later. Mr. Fists is having like a grouchy box. See you later. I'm off. Ainsley, you notice. No, you don't. Mr. Fists is like hooing really loudly and is flying over the herd as it stampedes towards you. But you don't understand the significance of that.

What are you going to do now? You have also. Oh, no, you still spot the one that you shot at. You can shoot at it again or you can get out of the way. It's up to you. I feel like I might need to get out of the way. Okay. You barrel aside as they barrel past you. Oh, good.

They look like they just went in a random direction. They don't look like they were going for you specifically Okay, alright That's good Get back up You lose sight though of the one that you shot at Just turn around and shoot another one But you notice Mr. Fists is consistently staying in a certain area of the herd

You feel that maybe Mr. Fists is keeping track of it for you Mr. Fists, you're such an angel Can you imagine where you'd be without Mr. Fists right keeping track of it for you. Mr. Fists, you're such an angel. Can you imagine where you'd be without Mr. Fists right now? Probably not. You can try stalking. Oh, actually, you know what? What's your... Can I grab your kite, does she?

Sorry, I need to know your movement speed. I don't have it written down here. No! Oh, no, I do have it written down here. You can keep it. Oh, listen, as it fell on the floor, it was a whole ring. Do you want it? No, I don't need it, actually. I've got your movement speed here. Yeah, actually, you it fell on the floor, it was a whole ring. Do you want it? No, I don't need it, actually.

I've got your movement speed here. Yeah, actually, you're faster than them, so you can keep up with them and keep shooting if you want. Yes, that's what I would like to do. That's awesome. You can't do rapid shot, though. You should run in front of it and just hold your sword down. Surprise!

With the third arrow, it's the final one. Like, using Mr. Fist... Does it make, like, squealing noises? Using Mr. Fist as a guide, the one that you hit, With the third arrow, it's the final one. Does it make squealing noises? Using Mr. Fists as a guide, the one that you hit, you finally in-cap it, and the rest of the herd just moves on. What's a squealing pig noise?

It doesn't really make... They're not domesticated. They're like, yeah, like that. Awesome. It's like a dog. Oh my god. Barky noises. It's like a dog. Oh, my God. Woof. Ruff, ruff. Barky noises.

Waff, waff, waff, waff, waff. Oh, you're an adorable halfling dog. What the hell are you doing? I don't know. I felt like I needed to do dog noises. Okay, so you grab the boar. You heft it over your shoulders. Let's go. It's bleeding out onto you.

Don't care. It's dead. Okay. So this is a very important roll. I'm going to get a consensus from the group, highs or lows. Because technically, from the hours I rolled, they're going to get back at the same time. That's awesome. Okay.

Oh, my God. So percentiles are going to determine down to the minute who gets in first. Oh, my God. Okay. Who votes where? What are we going? Highs or lows? I don't know. I went with lows minute who gets in first. Oh, my God. Who votes where? What are we going? Highs or lows? I don't know.

I went with lows before and I got fucked. Let's go highs. Highs. Highs. Highs. Highs. I can't even look. We can't see from here, but you're right. Everyone's covering their eyes.

What? Adam. What? Adam, tell us what's happening. 72. What does that mean? Ainsley gets back first. Oh, God!

Yes! Yes! Oh, God! Ainsley, as you're getting through the front doors, before the actual longhouse itself, you're getting through the front doors of the war camp, you can see meters behind you is the other orc

huffing and like carrying his pig. You see that and it gives you like a renewed vigor. Good. You charge through. You get through the front doors to the longhouse. You dump it down and then you collapse as well. We cheer. Good.

Ainsley! You're the only ones who do. All the orcs are like, they're like still partying, but they're not cheering for Ainsley. They don't care. We will. We will. The dwarves like cheer. All the dwarcs are like, they're still partying, but they're not cheering for Ainsley. They don't care. Well, we will.

The dwarves like cheer. The dwarves are pretty psyched. They're like, we don't die today. We don't get our heads added to the war. I don't get that on an open fire. Let me remind you, Cassius, you were waiting in a room that has dwarven heads hung up all around you.

Yeah, we knew. It's not been great. Not going to lie, Adam. He's got a cousin or something. Grown off many heads, holds up his hands, and starts giving a speech in Orcish. Redmond translates for you. These intruders, while they have broken our customs, are free to go under our laws.

Champions. Hey, Redmond, did you get that deal? I don't even want these gems anymore. I don't even want these gems anymore, he says. Redmond, did you get the deal? The deal with the guy you killed? Yeah. Before I had a chance to talk to him?

Yeah. Leo, let's go. Leo, come on. Redmond socks you in the face. No, you deserve that a little bit oh yeah that's a good hit yeah good

Leo you take five points of damage is that non-lethal no this is lethal because he's using a gauntlet oh you better take it oh you're on three

Jesus Christ oh my god mean we better use a you said to kill him you didn't... Redmond gestures to the... I was about to say Grayson's body.

To Grayson. And the dwarves gingerly pick him up. Actually, you know what? In the time that you guys were gone, they probably made a makeshift thing to carry him. Do you and Drudic Knowledge know anything about this? Can I roll? This is like Knowledge Arcana.

Oh, actually, Leo can roll. Oh, hey. You're like, do you know anything? Oh, wait, I know something. Wait, wait. I am sensing... Nothing. Cursed armor.

Cursed armor. You know, what are you going to do about that cursed armor, guys? You know, right? It's cursed armor. Let's go back. Here we go. We've got to get ourselves up. How much supplies did you guys pack?

Two. You only spent like a day here. Yeah. It's a bit slow. We're getting back though. How many extra supplies did you have? I had six extra. If you had six extra, then.

I'm sure I got mice. It's going to take you an extra day to get back. We're fine. We would like to heal everyone. Everyone, please. Well, the rest would be. We would like to heal everyone. Everyone, please. Well, the rest would be... Sorry, you did remember to mark off the three from the uses on your wand, right?

I'm sure resting along the week will... Oh, yeah, that's true. On the week back, the fortnight back, sorry. Did I say fortnight? Yeah. Have we had to carry Grayson back? Yes. The whole way? Well, two of the dwarves will have to, yeah. How's he looking when we get back?

His condition doesn't really improve. But does it get worse? It doesn't get worse. Well, hey, that's good. Small favours, Ainsley. Small victories. Oh, yeah, you guys will heal everything. Yes, sir, good.

You guys will be completely healed over two weeks. I'll get my 22 hit points. How good. Lucky little boy. Okay. Yeah, so you come back into Mara, and as you're coming back in, Redman says, there are clerical services that you can find.

Maybe they can fix him a little bit better. Good, good, good. In Mara? In Mara, yes. All right, help us, please. Any clerical services that you find are pretty packed. Like I said, this guy actually looks like there was a siege

that happened here while you guys were gone. They fought it off, but there's like the clerics are all pretty busy. It's kind of like a take a ticket type system. We take a ticket. You guys will probably have to spend the night here. You can leave.

The clerics are like, you can leave him here though. We'll take care of him. But you guys will have to find a tavern. Cool. I want to also maybe see how would we get off this whole... There are ships constantly going to the farm. Just catch a ship. And we spook the dwarves. Would you like to stay

with Grayson? The knight. Is thatson? Oh, yes. Yes. The knight. Yes. Is that possible? Oh, um... It's a loved one. Oh, thanks.

Oh, if you say that, yeah, the dwarf is like, yeah, you can sleep here. There's not going to be any extra beds. That's all right. It's fine. Like, he's laying on the ground, really, in the thing that you brought him in on. That's fine.

The stretcher. You'll have to lay next to him. Is Redman still there? I in the thing that you brought him in on. That's fine. He'll have to lay next to him. Is Redman still in Redman? I wouldn't do that. Redman? When you guys entered back into the city, he was like, I've got to go talk to the Lord. Okay.

Is there any chance that we could maybe catch up with him again? We didn't do well. If you went to the keep, you might be able to find him. I'd like to do that at some point. Okay. Could be. What do you two want to do? Ainsley's going to go find Redman.

I'm just going to go to a tavern Maybe just check out Mara See what else is there What's to do in Mara? Show us the sights The lonely planet Book on Mara Would be more of a pamphlet

So what sightseeing Can I go to the beach? Can I have a mojito? The beach is like where volcanic earth meets water. There's not even sand. This isn't great. Oh, no, wait, there would be sand. It'd be like incredibly like...

Coarse? Yeah, it'd be like step on it and it hurts. The dwarves probably have to build like a special makeshift thing so that you don't have to step on sand while you're getting to and from the city. What's the D&D equivalent of Yelp? Asking the tavern keeper.

The tavern keeper, this place, one star. The tavern keeper nods and takes out his roll. Good. I agree. Or at least you assume he does because he doesn't do anything else. I'd like to spend my time in Mara being scared of the real dwarves.

You talk a big game. You should catch up with the sexy ones. These dwarves are like the orcs that live here. This is a harsh place to live and the dwarves have had to get harsh or die. Actually, I might track down those like Ainsley just suggested. Track down those two handsome dwarf

brothers. They went with Redmond to see the Lord. I'll come with you. And Leo, you go give your Yelp review. Well, if there's anything interesting happening in Mara, but apparently not. Literally, it is a mining town. It's Beaconsfield. You want to get

a mining job, Leo? They got mining jobs. What do you guys do for fun? You mine, huh? They drink for fun. It's got a vibrant drinking community. Teach them some drinking games, Leo. Dwarven drinking games are not fun. Dwarven drinking games for dwarves who live their entire lives in fear are not fun.

Take a drink every time you're reminded of the fact that you came from a place that was happy. And no one drinks? Everyone drinks. Everyone drinks constantly. You said... I'll go to the tavern and try and make some small chat with some dwarves and try and see what's going on.

Get a pen pal. This is an entire... No one comes here except to mine. I'm going to use my hat of disguise And look like a dwarf Acceptance Still won't fit in very well Hey but you're the right height

They'll know you're an outsider Yeah but they won't be like You're like Drinking with some and you try to chat them up And you're like so how was your day try to chat them up and you're like so how was your day? And they were like, mind the bunch I guess. What are your goals and aspirations?

Is this like a fly in fly out thing? Anyone back home? This is where I live. Okay, so what's your end goal? Make enough money to get off this place. Good. Sad town. Great, I'm so glad. If it makes you guys feel any better this place. Good. Sad town. This is great.

I'm so glad it's happening. If it makes you guys feel any better, this place is colonized for a reason. They mine here for a while, and then they're pretty freaking rich. Ah, okay. That's good for them. That's good for them.

Whatever. It's lucrative. So it's a fly in, stay for a long time, then fly out again. So how long you been in here for, buddy? I would hate you. I might not be like, who the fuck are you? I don't know.

I think it's coming on 25 years now. Jeez. I'm going to buy you a drink. I'll buy him a drink. Okay, two copper. We would like to go and see. Yeah, you go find. You find, like, Revan's coming out as you guys are going in,

and he's got the four guards behind him. What did you want to ask again? He wanted to chat up the two handsome brothers. Yeah, they're here. I'm going to go and just introduce myself, be like, that was a crazy time, eh, boys? Gross. They responding?

Yeah, sure. They, like, nod, and they're like, yeah, good thing you got us both into and out of it, I guess. I put my arms around each of their shoulders. Until you don't know what's happening, they're all talking. It's fine. I'd like to talk to Redmond and then just speak. Good job.

Classy. I'm going to try and bed them. Yes, that's the intent. I'll do some rolls for you in a minute. I'd like to speak to Redmond about and explain, like obviously thank you for all of his help and his guards help and whatnot, and explain pretty much the whole story of Grayson and myself and about how heartbroken I am that I lost this beautiful ring

and I'd be happy to pay some money and gold to get a new ring. Redmond, like at first, is like, oh, yeah, no. Like at first you start out with the thanks and stuff like that. He is like oh yeah, at first you start out with the thanks and stuff like that. He's like yeah don't even worry about it. Then you start getting into your backstory and he's like okay. And then you ask him for a free thing. No, I'll pay for it.

Oh sorry, I thought you were asking for a free ring. No, no, no, I'll buy it. Non-cursed please. Yeah, sure, you can come back to my store. Sure, yeah, I'd like to go back to my store. His store is possibly the nicest place you've seen in this village it's like it's very still nondescript but when you get in it's like lots of lovely jewelry good good good like he everything was obviously made here he doesn't use any metals but he uses the rocks that you find everywhere the volcanic rocks that you find everywhere here to make like chains and necklaces and stuff

like that. And it's almost unrecognizable, like the way he does something to it and it is beautiful. Good. This is some of the nicest jewelry you've ever seen. I would like a very pretty ring for myself. Simple but nice. Do you sort of know the style I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah. And do weddings involve like a wedding ring for the groom as well? Should I maybe see if I can pick one up? He proposed to you, so you're the only one who needs a ring according to his religion. But if you want to get him a ring, you know, whatever. You don't think Grayson's going to get mad. Okay, all right, how much am I?

I don't think Grayson's going to ever respond ever again. Leo, duck. That wasn't Leo, that was Zamit. Zamit? I just, like, it's sad you're not a dwarf. Leo, duck. That wasn't Leo, that was Zamet. Zamet. It's sad you're not a dwarf. Like, you're not in the guise of a halfling now, or just yourself, regular. Because it's great to imagine this bar

and these two huge dwarves on either side of this tiny little halfling sitting between them after an awkward conversation. Like, mm. Mm-hmm. Good then. Well, if we want, we can ret retcon that just for that image in my head worth it

so yeah how much do you reckon it's going to cost depends how nice you want yeah like nice what type of gemstone are you looking for pretty one emeralds, onyx, ruby, sapphire, diamonds. Let's go through

the things we know about Grayson. What's your price range? Well, price range are available. That's what I need to gauge. Well, price range is available. I can go anywhere from like a couple gold to a couple hundred thousand gold.

Let's say... I'm covering the numbers from Jackson. Are you spending literally... Ainsley has the party funds. What about 100 gold? Would that give me a nice one? That'd give you an alright one, yeah.

What about 200 gold? Obviously the more you spend, the nicer it's going to be. How much nicer? It's a pretty straight graph. It's not exponential. It's not like if you spend 100... It's not like it gets nicer and nicer

and nicer to a disproportionate amount. If you spend 100, you get something worth 100. If you spend 200, you get something double what you spent $100 for. I'm not trying to sting you, basically. $150? Yeah, you can spend $150 on a gem.

I'll get $150. It's a really nice, pretty ring so that Taya Grayson doesn't get to see it. I could get a green emerald, a blue sapphire. Blue, sure. Blue? Okay. Light blue. Are your fingers still fucked?

Like where the ring was? Is that all acid? He would have given me some ointment. It looks like the scars aren't going to go away. That's fine. You can wear a ring there. You can wear a ring there. You got the ring off pretty quickly.

Grayson's like fucked up because the armor was on him for a while. Yeah. Yeah. You've got a scar to show where it was, but that's it. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, so it's like... how big would I say the gem is the gem is maybe

if you made a baby's fist wow that's a huge gem that's ridiculous that's not practical no it's not no I don't want that okay just like something that's legit.

Like I can still fire people in the dick with it. It's not going to hamper you at all, he says. There's magical enchantments upon it. No, I don't need one that's the size of a baby's fist. Just a normal bloody ring. You need one that's the size of a baby's fingernail. Yeah. Actually, just our fingernail.

That's still huge. Little finger? You only wanted one, right? Yeah. You can do a different one. Baby's finger on a regular. This one will warm when it's in the presence

of your lover. Ah, yes. Beautiful. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I want that one. He just swindled you. Yeah, probably. No, it's true.

He says defending himself to someone who's not there. Why do I keep doing that does he need one too Ainsley just got swindled does he need one too does Grayson need one too he doesn't need one

according to Grayson's religion no no no I mean like to be warm is it like a distance thing oh no like

whoever you marry it'll know it's Grayson okay that one that one's fine it's lovely but why are you thinking it's so hot sweaty finger oh my god it's a creation. Okay, that one, that one, that one's fine. It's lovely, but why are your fingers so hot? What? Sweaty finger.

It's like, oh my God, it's so warm, go away from me. No, it's warm. No, no, no. No, no, it's fine. When metal gets warm, it doesn't get sweaty. You know that. Almost a deal breaker. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

Sweaty ring finger. Pretty much all of my rings are enchanted in some way. Pretty much all of my rings make you sweaty in some way. Ooh, what kind of... Wait, I'm over there. Never Pretty much all of my rings make you sweaty and snotty. What kind of... Wait, I'm over there. Never mind. No, never mind. You're having an awkward time.

So if you want to write down wedding band or whatever, he's in Grayson's presence. Not unlike she does. That's cool. You know where he is even if you can't see him. Yeah. Do you see him? You don't know where...

It warms when he's near. Well, you know he's near. He's around. You do need near because he's going to be bedridden and he can't move. Yep. Now I'm going to get back to Claire. So which one do you want, Cassius? Both.

God damn it. At the same time? Yes. Oh, they're not going to be into that. They might be into that. You don't know. Are they into that? Nope.

Got to pick. Ah ha ha. Chris Evans. Chris Evans. Chris Evans. The most handsome one. No, wait. No, no.

He's probably got... Go for the second handsomer one. What did we say? Chris Evans and Chris Evans. Damn, they're both blonde. So how do I differentiate them? Captain America and Thor? No, I mean like the dwarves.

Yeah. What's the difference between Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth? Long hair and short hair. But all dwarves have long hair. Wow. Whose beard's more luxurious? Oh, you know what? Yeah, one of them has like his head hair, short and short.

And the other one has it like really long. Short, short, short like Short hair with a big beard. It's kind of sexy. I might go her. Short hair with a big beard? Yeah. Okay, so you're going with Captain America. Yes!

Does he pound me wrong? Do you want to know his name for the record? Nope. No, write it down. Write it down on a new list of fuckboys. I'm not marrying this guy. No, no, just have a tally of fuckboys. Sex boys.

There's a difference between fuckboys and sex boys. I hope it's like really aggressive sex as well. Oh, it is. It's a pounding from both parties somehow. We'll roll for that. Somehow Cassius pounds him. Dwarven strap-on. Dunn blood fighter.

Oh, Dunn blood fighter. Dunn or Don? D-D-U-N Bloodfighter. Awesome. Of the Iron Shield clan. Okay then, good luck. Have fun. It's going to be great.

Cassius' sexual conquests. It's brutal, it's dirty. It's pretty good. I've romanced nobody I'm a sad laugh This is arguably not romance I would argue that what me and Jackson are about to do is sad I can imagine maybe I've got a wife and two kids

Just somewhere out there So you want a rough pounding. Yes, that's what I'm looking for. Highs or lows? Highs. Oh, you better not bloody... That's shit. He might make love to you.

Oh, no, you picked the wrong brother. Do you like to be hit while someone makes love to you? Oh, my goodness. Because he's down for that, if you want. No, let's calm down. Okay. But it is a rough loving. Oh, that's great.

Maybe you like to do the punching. Yeah, probably. It's just like, it's kind of half fight. Fuck. He goes first. No, sorry, you go first, I mean. All right. What am I doing?

Orgasm. No, you orgasm first. I orgasm first. What a good guy. He's attentive. No, no, he's... It's a race. It's a race that you just happened to win.

Cool. Also, he got really high on his con score, and you got real low. You were just ready. You've been waiting a month for this. It's been a long prep. Ainsley's getting it on the rag. He didn't even know

Eli started hitting on him and he's like oh that's why she kept punching my crotch I like to imagine I suggested it to both brothers at once and they were like that's fucked up but one of us you did and they were sick

I'd finish smoke a pipe leaf I don't even call them Sick. I finished Smoke a Pipe Leaf. Whatever. He was the one who bought the tavern room. I don't even remember his name. Yeah, I don't even... I don't even remember his name. I don't even care that he didn't call me. I didn't care that he didn't call me.

All right. Three days he had. Anyway, is it the same tavern That Leo's in Cause that'd be super good That'd be very good You know what There's probably only one tavern here Yes

Who's gonna come here Other than people who live here I'm gonna come downstairs High five Leo That's right You came downstairs Yeah What

Huh So Cassius You don't need to pay Cause you spend the night In bed with this guy Damn right I do Leo however You need to pay because you spend the night in bed with this guy. Damn right I do. Leo, however, you need to pay for your in-room.

And Ainsley, you're staying with Grayson, right? Yeah, I'm going to go back. It's an unpleasant night. You're sleeping on a hard floor. Of course you spent the last month sleeping on the hard floor. Nothing's changing. Did that volcano do anything? No, it still hasn't erupted.

It was a volcano. Some might say it's a teaser for a later game. We need to chug it. It isn't. It isn't. Let's get out of here. Yeah, let's skedaddle. I still have that swamp witch.

I still have that. Oh, yeah. Five silver. Lose five silver. Oh, no. I don't know. Oh, math. Just give him a goal.

Just pull an Ainsley and give him a goal. I don't have any goals. I'm seven silver now. That's what Ainsley said. I can't do math. I have a gold. It's five. Just pull an Ainsley and give him a gold. As an Ainsley, I can't do that. I have a gold. Whatever. You know it's true. It's like really high-level games. They do that a lot.

It's just like five silver. Take ten gold. That's ridiculous. We're not that rich, guys. That's stupid. I don't mind. A handsome young dwarf. I wonder if I could bang his brother now.

Gross. The next morning, Redman is sitting, having breakfast in the lower quarter of the inn. And as you guys come down, he waves you over to come talk with him. Ainsley, you're obviously not here for this. He sets some gold or a bag of gold on the table and pushes

it over to you guys and he says, it's not as much as I would pay a normal caravan guard but I think you earned a little bit for your trouble. Oh thank you. Even though this was completely a waste of money for me. I said thank you. Actually you know what no he

passes the gold along to you. Just a little bit of goodwill and let me know how that ring turns out. What ring? Oh, shit. I'll ask him, now that David is dead, are they going to move on their orc stronghold, or are they going to stay?

I'll have to make another expedition out there, because I think tensions are a little high right now. Hopefully they'll just move on, to be honest. It's hoping. They were staying there because of David, as far as I could tell. So now that he's dead. How much gold did we get?

You like count the bag right in front of him? No, no, no. What the hell, man? That was me asking Adam so that Ainsley can write it down in her funds. You get 15 gold. 15 gold. Well, that is not how much I spent.

Not at all. Well, obviously it's just bad business to do that. That's all right. Hey, I'm appreciative. We just tagged along of our own volition. You weren't promised golf. We weren't invited. Yeah, and we don't even know that Ainsley just spent how much on a ring?

$150. $150, that's fine. So we didn't know that. I get like $102 in my own funds. I've got $13. I've got 13. I've got a lot more. I've got 963. Plus you have to pay for your room. With the two...

Yeah, but I gave him too cold for you. A lot of glee at other people's pain this game. It has been. True. Alright, let's go to that cleric. Let's see how our boy Grayson is doing. I'm in a super cheery mood. Grayson gets treated pretty early in the morning, actually. Oh, good.

These clerics have been working through the night. They've been working in shifts. These poor souls. They're the busiest clerics you've ever seen. One of them comes over. He goes over Grayson, and he's like, this is a bit beyond me. I'm going to have to get someone a little bit above me.

Do whatever you need to. It takes another hour, and these bug logs show up. I will update them. Have you been telling me about your conquest? No, no, no. Oh, no, tell me. I whatever you need to. It takes another hour and these bug logs show up. I will update them. Have you been telling me about your conquest? No, no, no. Oh, no, tell me. I'd like to know. No, have you been telling me on the way?

Yeah, yeah, of course. In graphic detail. Right. And an older, like, more important-looking priest comes over and he overhears some of your conversation and he's like, man of God here. Don't know until you've tried it. Katniss is like, you next?

No, no, no. No, don't do that. Yeah, it's because you said no, he said. That's why we're not doing it. Anyway. I know. He gives Grayson a one server. I can lower, I can fight back some of this, but I don't think it's, I can't get rid of everything.

I'll do what I can. Okay. Is there someone who could? I don't know. If you could do a little bit and then like maybe next town across, like we find another cleric. No, it's a thing that I don't think it's not like a, you need to do this in installments. I think it's like a, I can do what I canments. I think it's like a I can do what I can and I think that's all that can be done.

So you don't reckon if we see Cleric later on they can do more? You could ask. There are certainly more powerful Clerics than me. What condition will he be in when you finish? He'll certainly be lucid, able to walk and move. That's good. I think he'll be in constant pain. That's less good.

Pain killers. Don't exist. Hard drugs. Oh, not good. Pain killers. Hey. Yeah, what are pain killers in D&D? Hard drugs. I guess like opiates exist. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, at least he can make a decision then. Like, Grayson can make a decision then.

What, to be like, we pull the plug? Is that right? No, no. I mean, like. It takes an hour for this, like another hour. So it's like midday by the time the priest is done. And when he's done, Grayson, like, his eyes, he's been like, you guys can tell he's like midday by the time the priest is done uh and when he's done grayson like his eyes he's been like you guys can tell he's like sort of conscious he's like eyes have been opening and

closing and stuff like that and he's like shifted on you know when he needs to and stuff but when the cleric is done grayson like starting to move like properly now like he sits up the cleric like puts a hand on grayson and pushes him back down and says, probably don't stress yourself too much right now. Okay. As the cleric's been working over the hour, you've noticed that the scars have mostly healed. Oh, good.

Good. He's like skin. External guys. His skin still looks like it's been flayed a little bit. Gross. It's all right. It's all right. It's okay.

It's fine. The cleric finally finishes and he says, I'm wondering. I know it's on your mind, Ainsley, so I'll ask the question. What's his dick like? For real, you're asking that? Yeah, what kind of condition?

Well, I guess at some point the cleric needs to get there. Like baby making, okay? He's still got one. Good. That's good. It's a good start. You don't know what... Right, Cassius?

He's not getting hard right now, so it's hard to tell. No, no, no. That's inappropriate, Adam. Gosh. Yeah, I'm the one being inappropriate. Come on, Adam. Draw a line. Jesus, Adam.

Draw a line in the sand and get on the good side of that line. I know, Adam. I'm sorry, Adam. Grayson just flatlines. No! No, no! No, um... Okay, the, Adam. Grayson just flatlines. No! No, um, okay, the cleric finishes up and he says, I gotta go rest. Don't, keep him, keep him bedridden for the next couple days still. Okay.

And the cleric moves off. Grayson, like, very gingerly starts talking. Hey, how you going? What happens to my ring? It's warm. It's been warm the entire time you were with him. Yeah. I'll explain to him kind of like what's been going on.

You know, keep him up to date and say like, you have to take a few days off, mate. We're going to stay here and then we're going to, we'll probably chuff on off. Yeah. Ainsley did this really cool hunting of a bull thing. Oh, I did. Yeah.

How's your hand? It's okay. And I show him the ring. Like did, yeah. How's your hand, he says. It's okay. And I show him the ring. I've explained the story about how... Yeah, I saw that with the boar. Well, I heard it. Yeah, yeah. So it's okay.

Everything's going to be okay. Hey, guys, he says, looking at you. Guys and girls. Cassius and Leo. Can we get a moment? Oh, my God. I'm holding Jackson's hand. Yeah, look.

We'll get out of your hair. What I want to do is, I want you guys to actually leave the room, but when Zama does the editing, except this is live, but when Zama does the editing, you'll find out anyway. But Jackson won't know. Jackson won't know until he listens to this back again as well. So whatever. You two shuffle off?

Yeah, we'll leave. We'll get out of your hair. I'm not okay! I'm so scared! We will be as silent as the grave. Grayson, like, turns to you and he says, I, uh, a long time ago,

when I was a boy, I decided to take up the sword and become a mercenary and a sellsword and an adventurer. Yeah? I did that because I was a boy, I decided to take up the sword and become a mercenary and a sellsword and an adventurer. Yeah? I did that because I was young and I was foolish and I was mad. Yep. I'm losing it, guys. I can't contain it.

Sign of the grave. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. A lot of time has passed since then. I'm not so young anymore. He, like, gives you a bit of a sly smile and says, I'm still a little foolish. But I'm not so young anymore. He like gives you a bit of a sly smile and says, I'm still a little foolish, but I'm not mad at all. Not anymore. What mostly, what I am mostly is afraid.

I'm afraid of this life and what it's doing to us. I don't want to, like how much luck do we have to burn through? To be honest. And do you want to burn through, to be honest? And do you want to burn through all of your luck? I don't want to live like this. I don't want to die like this. And I don't want you to either. He grabs you and just needs for you to lean in a little close.

Run away with me. No! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes.

I can't. Oh god yes It's happening again Oh I'm crying You and me After this We go to carcerary We hand those heads in We get our fucking reward And then we settle down somewhere. Okay.

Yeah? This is amazing. Okay. And on that note, I think we can call it a day and pick this one up next time on D&D is for Nerds. Hope you enjoyed that. Now here's episode one of Merchant of Greatbirth waiting in line. I have to do it again. Oh, rad.

Hey, guys. We're going to play around with Fifth Ed a little bit, and we've got a rotating cast right now. The guys here just want to remind me that there is an outside world and that if I'm a good boy, maybe they'll let me outside. Wouldn't that be great, guys? Wouldn't that be great? It's a big baby. So, welcome to The playing Sir Greatberth, or Sir Greatberth, which is the voice I'll be using.

Hang on, no, that's not even it. Good. Hang on, let me that's not even it. Good. Hang on, let me get my cockney. Yeah, but I've lost it. It was a bit My Cocaine. My Cocaine. Sir Grape Booth. That's the one.

Sir Grape Booth, I'm a fighter. Sounds like you've been hit by a mule. Yeah, like I've been kicked in the head by a mule as a young boy. I think I'd be described as, like like touched in the end, you know? All right, good. I'm a folk hero. Sorry, Sir Grape Birth. Sir Grape Birth from the town of Grape Birth.

A wide-making town. I'm a folk hero because I helped out the town with a, like there was a tyrant and he was trying to sell the town some bad produce. You're Jackson explaining this, so you don't have to do... That's true. That's a good bloody point. Yeah, there was a tyrant and he was trying to sell the town bad produce

and I was on to him. I was like, none of that. And the town was like, this guy. This guy can tell fucking good goods from bad goods. So I became a bit of a folk hero. Nice. Yeah, I'm a fighter, level two. Yeah, that's a great birth, basically.

All right. Just like a long, gangly guy in common clothes with a big old long sword. Okay. I'm also level two. I'm a warlock. I'm a tiefling, which is apparently a demon-like looking race. Yes?

You have hellish ancestry. Hellish ancestry. My ancestors. It's like going back a couple generations, but at some point you have like a demon or devil. You're nan fucked a demon. Yeah, nan fucked a demon. You're a wild one.

I am a trader. So I'm apparently belong to a guild. I'm basically a merchant. My backstory is that all to a guild. I'm basically a merchant. My backstory is that all I want to do is just be a merchant. I figured, hey, there's this guy. I'm going to get a good business deal. Accidentally signed some sort of demon pact with a fae, and now I'm in his thrall, I would assume.

So I guess I'm an accidental warlock. All I really want to do is make it big. I just want to own a franchise. I want to just build my way up and just become a really good merchant. And because of that, my name is also Merchant. Accidental warlock sounds like a very funny sitcom. It does. It does.

Like from the late 80s, early 90s. I'm Ophelia Splice. I'm a level two monk. I'm a human. Yeah, I'm human too. Oh, I'm more specifically a charlatan monk. Oh, tricky. I come from a noble family.

Things went wrong. Things were said. I'm going to reclaim my shit. Good. And I have none a noble family. Things went wrong. Things were said. I'm going to reclaim my shit. Good. And I have none of your backs. I see. Good to know. Unless we form really good friendships.

We will. Don't you worry. I won't make it easy. I'll give you some nice furs. I'm a fur trader apparently. That's actually not bad. We'll talk later. I'll look after some nice furs. I'm a fur trader, apparently. That's actually not bad. We'll talk later. I'll walk after you.

Okay. So you guys find yourselves in the city of Iron Hill. Do we know each other before we start doing that? Well, it helps me, but you don't have to. Let's know each other. Don't worry. I'll find a way to fucking Shanghai you guys together. Just like as blatant as like a wizard appears.

You three are friends, he says. He disappears. Or some might say as blatant as like the city guard kicked down the tavern door with the crystallized body of a princess at that point at a bunch of random people. As convoluted as that. Well, I'm assuming, I'm chilling with the merchants and I'm telling them if they're getting good goods or bad goods

for a fine dollar. Oh, yeah. So, like, hey, you could have employed me as like a... And I'm trying to sell you shit that I've stolen. So I'm like, hey, I'm chuffing off down to wherever you want to come, look after my mule, because I've got a mule and a cart. I do have no other employment. So that sounds like a good deal.

All right, let's shift off to where are we going? You're in Iron Hill. We're going to Iron Hill. All right. You guys totally excluded me. Well, what are you? What do you want to be involved in now? I'm a charlatan monk, but I pocket everything or anything of value,

so I'm selling you shit. Why would I employ you? I'm not employed. I'm just a traveller. We'll meet you in Iron Hill then, I suppose. Yeah, we'll meet you in Iron Hill. Well, we're not going to bring you along if you're just going to... Are you coming with us the whole way from where we previously were, being like, buy my shit, though?

Buy my shit, though, guys. Buy my shit, though. I can walk really fast. You can be hanging around with us in Iron Hill, still trying to sell us shit. No, OK, we'll meet in Iron Hill. Fuck you guys. Adam will walk this out. You can be hanging around with us in Iron Hill still trying to sell us shit. No, okay, we'll meet in Iron Hill. Fuck you guys. Adam will walk this out. Adam's got it sorted.

Yeah. Car in a bubble. Woo! You find yourselves at the gates to the town of Iron Hill. Iron Hill is located almost dead centre in the Iron Forest, so named for a tree called the Ironwood Tree. All right. So the Ironwood, so named for a tree called the Ironwood Tree. All right. So the Ironwood Tree has this interesting property

where it's basically as tough as a metal, steel, for example, and this particular town has just mastered logging and manufacturing it into trade goods and such. Awesome. The entire town itself is walled off and is made mostly of this wood. Sick. Awesome. The entire town itself is walled off and is made mostly of this wood. Sick. Awesome. The gates to this town are pretty busy right now.

It's like the sun's going down, and so anyone who wants to get into the town has to get in now or they're going to be waiting out the front until tomorrow. You guys are probably maybe six carts back, and it looks like the town guard are trying to slowly close the doors. You would be maybe one cart ahead of them. You don't actually have a cart yourself. You're just a traveller.

But you've got to wait for everyone in front of you to be processed as well. It looks like unless you guys do something quickly you might be spending the night outside. I'm going to just like hurry on ahead. Leave old merchant here with the cart

and introduce myself to the guard. Be like, it is I, Sir Greatberth, the hero of merchants everywhere. Arms out. Big old grin on my face. Okay, so you, as you're walking up, there's this

maybe three carts from the front. This little halfling spins around and says, get back in line mate! But it is I, Sir Greatbirth, hero of merchants everywhere. That's a good line. You like see him flash

a dagger in your direction. Back in line. I scurry back to merchant. Oh, no, we'll have to wait our turn, I suppose. What's the allied town of Iron... Iron... Hill?

Iron Hill. Sorry? Is it Iron Hill? Iron... Is it? Iron... You'll cut this part out, right? Yeah, Iron Hill.

Iron Hill. You won't cut it out. Yeah, what's an allied town? It's in the... That's far away. Far away. Here it out. Yeah. What's an allied town? It's in the... That's far away. Far away. Here you go. A sister town.

Sister town. Blue Beach. Blue Beach is not a nearby town, but it's allied. Okay. So I walk up to the guards with my decked out monk robes. The same half-ling. No, no, but I'm being lonely. We're far back, man.

I'm in a holy pilgrimage and I need to see the church this halfling is not giving you the time to say that back in line I'm just going to flatter him with my charisma or I'm going to kick him in the nose and tell him to fuck off

no insult I'm insulting kick him in the nose and tell him to fuck off. You try to... Oh, wait, wait. No, insult. I'm insulting. Kick him in the nose and tell him to fuck off. I am holy. Altercation up ahead. I really just don't want to be involved. Maybe the city guard will help. Are you actually going to get physical with him?

No, I'm just going to insult him and then be like, this is none of your business. He yells at you, fuck off, mate. And you turn around and you give him this dead-eyed stare and you just say, no,, fuck off, mate. And you turn around, you give him this dead-eyed stare and you just say, no, you fuck off. Yes. He sits down.

Am I in? Yeah, you can get up to the town guard. There's like maybe five of them in total, plus maybe some more on the wall. Okay. They're processing a cart. I wait patiently behind. I go up.

They process that cart. Yep, I go up. They process that cart. Yep, I go up and I explain that I've come from Blue Beach, I'm on a holy pilgrimage, and I'm to see the head monk of the faction inside. Order inside. Oh, God, I'm floundering. The guard nods and just waves you through. Cool.

That monk got through. Look, I know, but hey, just there's an order. We will be processed. Look, we'll get inside. If not, we'll just set up tent. It'll be fine. Adam, can I give a scan of the carts in front of me for shoddy goods? Well, I should have done that.

I'm just going to, like, climb on top of our cart, on top of the furs, and just have a little scout of the carts around me. Most of them are covered. You can't see anything. Official goods checker, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd allow me to check your goods just to make sure that they are up to snuff. Are you just yelling that from the top of your cart?

I'm not even going to roll. No one's listening. I'll just flop back down on the floor. Nobody's listening to me. What are you doing? Stop that. Look, we'll just be processed. We'll be fine. We'll just deal with it when it comes. I get to be patient. I know, but look, there's order.

We'll get seen eventually. It's okay. You don't. What did you say? We'll get seen eventually. That's the exact words. Maybe two more carts get processed and then they close the doors and a town guard shouts to the rest of the crowd, sorry, but you're going to have to wait till tomorrow.

Damn, all right. Well, look, I guess we can camp here for the night. Where are you heading inside? Ophelia. I am going to look for somewhere to stay. I'll pass by the church. I assume there's a church. None in obvious sight.

Are you going to specifically look for one? No, it's all right. I'll just go to a tavern and find a room for the night. Ophelia, are you a real monk or like a charlatan monk? I'm a real monk at the moment. Alrighty. I'm playing the fucking part, bitch. The first tavern you see is called the Major's Hand.

Oh, sounds good. It's got a very elaborate looking... What was that gesture about? I think that was the Major's hand. For the benefit of the listeners, there was a wanking off gesture. Thank you very much. From everyone.

No, from you and then everyone else. We got caught up in the merriment. In the joy of doing wanky motions. It wasn't bad. Good call, Molly. What? Anyway, you walk in and this tavern seems nice enough There's a sort of a cheery vibe to the place

There's a fire crackling merrily in the centre And it's got like a very elaborate and nice looking chute in the middle going up You know, to let off the smoke Lovely Do you go straight to the bartender? We're camping We're camping, it's cold He gives you a friendly looking smile and asks

what'll it be? A jug of mead and do you have a room available, sir? I think, damn it, are you going to ever name your mule? Because I like the idea that you're not naming your mule and it's making me mad. Then I won't name my mule. You're like, it's a mule. It's a mule. I'm a very practical person. What about we call it just even

muley? I don't know why. Is this how you're spending the night? Yes. If you want to call it Muley, it's fine. I'm going to basically set up here. But if you don't call it Muley, then it's not its name, technically. But you're calling it Muley. But you're not, so to you that's not its name, eh?

It's not, but it's still a mule. I think you're just playing silly buggers up there. If it makes you happy, we can call it Muley. Good. The bartender looks at you and says, seven silver. All right. Okay.

Seven silver. How much gold does it say your character has? Where does it say gold? Under equipment. One of the, this should be like a number there. I've got 15. 15 gold. I did not do well trading.

I'll just take care of your gold for you. We lost money. So you now have... You have 14 gold, 3 silver now. Oh, she's rich. How much did you have? 25. Oh, my God.

Okay, he hands you the jug, and he asks, any preference for a room? We got above or below ground? Above. Above? Okay. He slides some keys to you as well The keys have like a little lever thing attached to them

And it has the number on it Kind of fancy ass tavern you in Yeah A nice one because I got the gold Adam, are we like You're camped on the side of the road I want to basically start Am I allowed to mingle in my spare time?

Yeah, go ahead if you want I'm mingling Can you build a campfire? Huh? I'll build a campfire Can I build a campfire,? Yeah, go ahead if you want. I'm mingling. Can you build a campfire? Do whatever you want. I'll build a campfire. Can I build a campfire, Adam? That's a good question. Let's give it a hot...

Do you have a tinderbox? No, you're all right. You've got the fire. Good, good. Good, good. I guess not. You're like maybe for a solid hour, you've got like a pile of wood and you're like sparking matches

and none of them are catching. Just looking at you occasionally glaring. Name your fucking mill. Merchant, do you want to put him out of his, not put him out of his mixer. Do you want to give it a shot? This electric blast that I have. Does not start a fire.

Give it a go. I suppose that does not do that. Are there other merchants around us? Yeah no It's still backed up Everyone's trying to keep their spot in the line I'll just help him out And just light the fire Can I?

Just give him a big old greasy look Take the tinderbox from him And in the first go you light the fire An hour An hour. An hour, sir. An hour. I'm going to go introduce myself to everybody else who's here.

Okay. I'm going to set up the cart and I'm going to try and sell some nice furs. It's cold tonight. I think we might make a little bit of profit. So you introduce them. Maybe send them my way. I'll start just unhinging a few of the... I'm sorry, do you have in your equipment box furs listed? I'm a fur trader, Adam.

Why would I not have furs? Am I an idiot? I'm not just going to give you stuff for free. Well, I believe I would have to have furs to be a fur trader. You'll have to have someone go out and hunt some animals for you. You son of a bitch. Hey, guess which one of you has survival? Is it me?

Yes. I was going to collect some furs. Go get some furs. We'll make a nice little trade because apparently I forgot to pack them from the last place we went. You idiot. I know. I'm just a fool. Always forgetting the food.

Go buy some from someone else down the line. I'm going to... You do that. I'll go hunt some fur. I'm going to interest and see. Just like build a bit of a community vibe because that's apparently one of my ideals. And a book of love.

And I have a book of love, Adam. Is it the book of love? It's a book of lore. Of the love. You can pick what lore it is. So if you want, it can be like a book of pickup lines or something like that. Just make it old-timey. Which I would argue is like the opposite of a book of love.

That's very true. It's like how to be good at marriage. The book of love. No, book of lore apparently, not love. Chester A. Barbarian's book of love. Yes, yes. Chester A. Barbarian's Book of Love. Yes, yes. Just romantic poems. Yeah, romantic book of love of romantic poems.

So I'm going to try and build this community of camaraderie between us who can't get into the thing. Introduce us. Well, I'm going to chuff into the woods with a crossbow and try and hunt us some deer or whatever. You do a pretty decent job of chatting up the people around you. None of them are looking to buy anything But you get to know some of them

Oh, that's lovely I choof into the forest looking for deer Drumbling to myself Didn't bring the furs, he's a fur trader After a little while you get hungry Are there berries around, Dad? Oh God I search for berries

I'm not a clever man Hi, hello Jackson You not a clever man. Hi, hello, Jackson. You're a simple man. You find some berries? All right, a hoe down. I'm just, like, thinking to myself, I'm like... Oh, Jackson, why? Fucking merchant.

You know what? You know what? I'm just going to sit down, have a meal. You feel ill, Jackson. Oh, no. You're getting sick on berries. How many have I eaten? You said hoedown, right?

I did. You've eaten handfuls. You stripped a bush. Oh, my God. You assumed berries that were, like, green were probably good to eat because they were, like, blending in because they'd be so delicious. They don't want people to take them. That's why.

That makes sense. In reality, they're just not ready to be eaten. Oh, no. I'm going to try and stumble back to camp. You make it back to camp. He comes back. He is literally, literally green in the face. What happened?

Out the bush of berries. No furs, huh? Berries? They've had a couple hours, so I'm going to jump back to you, Ophir. Okay, so I've been mingling, getting to know a few people, whatever, passing the time. Is that allowed for me to just assume that? Well, I can roll to see how well you did, and you did pretty well.

You also get to know a bunch of people. There's like some soldiers. This bar seems to be frequented, not frequented. It's got like a high level of soldiers in it. You think it might have something to do with, you've seen a lot of soldiers on the road recently. You think there might be like something going on between nations.

Okay, cool, not my problem. What the fuck am I? I'm but a mere monk. I decide to sort of, I don't know, has the tavern closed? Like does it close to people who are in bed? Well, eventually you imagine the bartender's going to

like close the bar, but you can still chill in the tavern if you want, or you can the bartender's going to close the bar, but you can still chill in the tavern if you want. Or you can go up to your room. Is anyone around at the moment? It's been a few hours. It's night. It looks like a lot of people are staying here the night. A lot of the soldiers file out.

You're not sure where they're going, but a lot of travelers are still here, people who made it through before night fell. Okay, cool. You can see in one of the corners, there's some halflings who are sitting at a table together and they look like they're getting freaking plastered. All right, well, I sort of saunter over

and try to befriend them, be polite, all that kind of shit. You notice one of the halflings was one of the ones you had to go at in the line? All right. He, like, gives you the dirty eye and, like, nudges one of the other halflings was one of the ones you had to go at in the line. All right. He, like, gives you the dirty eye and, like, nudges one of the other halflings. I wink back. What languages do you know?

Elven. And common? Yep, and common. Yeah, assumedly, you know, common. Yeah, he says something in a language, assumedly halfling, that you don't understand, and all the other halflings start giving you dirty looks. I pick them up and put them on the coat hooks.

Oh, God. For real? Oh on the coat hooks. Oh, God. For real? Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, God, there's going to be a moment. Yeah, there's going to be a tavern brawl, ladies and gentlemen. All right, no, no, no. No, no.

Too late. Too late. Tavern brawl. Okay. You try to grab one of them to put him up on the thing, and he just slips out of your grasp. You've just got his tunic in your hands. I pocket it.

No, we're going into combat now. Oh, God. Oh, fuck. You sound like you got your ass walked by three halflings. Marley, you can go first. All the halflings are like, you know, making to get out. It looks like they're about to, it looks like a fight is about

to break out. How many halflings are there? There's six. Good luck. Marley, just smack one in the Alright. How many hits do they take? Do you want to start... No, no, alright. No, no, no, go ahead. I don't know. I don't want to start punching them. You don't have to kill them. You can try knocking them out instead, even.

As long as you don't use your longsword. If you use your longsword, it's a short sword. You cannot knock someone out with a longsword. No. No, okay. I apologize. Say the mead's gone to my head, as have they. We'll be like, we're all a bit riled up.

We're all a bit puzzled right here. Yeah. All a bit. They're not having any of that. Oh, God. Can I just fight the one that started the shit? It's their turn. Oh, God, Marley.

Get punched in the everything. Just clock them. Clock them in the face. Just clock them. It's their turn. Oh, God, Marley. Get punched in the everything. Just clock them. Clock them in the face. Just clock them. I will. Okay. It's like they swarm you, but it's the most bizarre and strangest thing you've ever encountered.

It's like with two hands, you're holding back five of them. It's okay. There are probably witnesses I didn't start it. But one of them ducks beneath your arms and clocks you in the fucking mouth. I thought he was... What's a halfling? Halflings are like hobbits. Well, he shouldn't be able to hit me in the fucking mouth.

He'll climb you. You're like bent over trying to push them back. Okay. You take six points of damage. What? Oh, my God. It's non-lethal. It's not going to kill you damage, but it's like a really good blow.

Your head like snaps back. It's your turn again. You can keep trying to talk them down or you can start fighting back. The bartender has dived behind the bar and you you hear a lot of people yelling for the town guard. Smack their shit up! Smack their shit up! No, I'm a monk. Who are they going to believe? A monk? Or some fucking rabid halfling? Good point.

Whoa. I'm just going to patient defense. You can do that defensive thing if you want. Yeah, I'll do the defensive thing. So you spend one of your key points, and everything slows down and you can see that attacks happening a lot more easily so it's

a lot easier to block them. You're doing some fucking martial arts. Well, yeah. I'm just doing defense. I'm not trying to start shit. Jet Li? Steve? None of them can hit you now. It's your turn again. You can choose

actually, if you want you can just even like, you don't need to spend that key thing. You can just keep maintaining this if you want. But you won't be able to fight back. Well, you hear people yelling for the town guard. You're not sure how long it's going to take.

They probably will come. You can hold on to this. Just deflect like fucking Neo deflecting bullets, but with halflings. Oh, maybe not. I didn't like that. Maybe instead, Mali, I mean, Ophelia gets a shit racked. Yeah.

Also an option. Okay. So one is like, it's just, you know, a slow motion dance of you. They punch and you just knock the fist away. But one of like three of them come at you at once and you can only knock two of them away. And one of them hits you in the gut. Classic.

You take another two points. How many do I have left? You've got another 12 left. Oh, you're right. Whatever, Molly. Just wait. Just wait. City guard. City guard will sort, Molly. That's fine. Just wait. Just wait. City guard.

City guard will sort that shit. Don't worry. Town guard. You're fine. I mean, a little disappointed you didn't go all month. I'm going to pretend I'm also really hurt. Nice. Get that sympathy vote from the guards. Yep.

Okay, so they get another go of trying to have at you, and you just keep batting them away, and then the town guard breaks down the door and comes into the tavern. And I pretend I'm really hurt. As soon as the town guard, like, step foot. I got hit in the mouth. As soon as the town guard come in, the halflings, like, break it up. I crumple to the floor and be like, I'm a lady monk.

Oh, whoa. You crumple to the floor and you pretend to be like that. One of the guards comes over and says, you're not really bleeding, are you? I got hit in the mouth. I can see you're bruised. They're not buying your sob story. The guards ask the halflings.

The halflings are pretty drunk, though. And so they're like stumbling over their explanation. They try to talk it up like you were having a go at them. Oh, boy. Yeah, the town guard don't really believe their story either. They seem sick of all this shit. You gonna, you know, they're gonna be any more trouble tonight, they say? No.

They look at the halflings. The halflings, like, grumpily shake their heads as well. Okay, we're going to leave. If we have to come back, a lot of people are getting thrown in jail. Yeah? Okay. They walk out. All right.

The halflings go back to their table, and they continue drinking, but they're, like, a bit subdued now. I turn to the one that started shit and say sarcastically have a good night. You trying to... And then I leave. No, yeah, yeah. I'm just like sarcastically... Do you want him to throw a punch?

Yeah, but I'm going to leave to my bedroom. You can't just... You can't try to get someone to punch you and then turn your back to them. Has D&D never heard of an exit line? Say that, then just run to your bedroom. Your exit line is going to be interrupted by you getting knocked out from a punch to the back of the head.

I leave it. I asked the bartender for another jug of mead. A jug? Yeah, I'm going to bed. Second jug of mead, he says. A mug is a drug. Okay, a mug. A bed. Second jug of meat, he says. A mug is a drug. Okay, a mug. A pint.

Get another jug, mate. No. Have a great night. I'm getting a pint and going to bed. Four copper, he says. A pint of meat in bed. Is there anything quite as good? All right, I go to my room.

Have a look through all the cupboards and see if there's anything of value. This place has been empty. I want furs to be like, look at this idiot. I did forget my furs, so I need them. The room has a single bed, a chest of drawers, and I guess a vanity cabinet type thing with a very, it's like a poor steel mirror, but it's like a mirror nonetheless.

It's all empty, though. It looks like this place is used a lot. It's like a cabinet. There's nothing here. No, wait. Isn't there like a... The chest of drawers has like a little... No, it has like a little holy book in it. But that's it. There's no mini bar.

I pick up the holy book and get in touch with my god. Is it your holy book? Is it a hollowed out holy book? No, it's a real holy book. Alright, then I throw it out the window. Okay. Good. And I go to fucking bed.

See you in the morning, motherfucking half-lake. Have a nice sleep. You make enemies so quickly. Uh-huh. Okay, jumping back to something else? Final comments? Final thoughts? My magic power is sarcasm and insults. What do you expect?

Did you just say your magic powers are sarcasm and insults? You know what I mean. Good. Yeah, great. Good. Am I throwing up? Because probably... I have a high constitution, though. Yeah, no, you're keeping it down, but you don't feel good. I summon my mage hand and just gently caress your back with it.

Like, very much. You don't want to touch him, is that what this is? No, I don't know where he's got it. I feel clabby. It might be contagious and gross. I've got to go look for, like, is it like a medical cart? Like, maybe Maybe somebody selling their medicines, their healing

abilities to me. How's the Lowe's? Lowe's. It doesn't look like it, no. Actually. Yeah, you see a guy selling health potions. Hang on, wait. Yeah.

Merchant, you're pretty sure he's a snake oil salesman. Oh, sir. Grape. I just do the kill sign, like, no, just don't do that. You! I point to him,

clutching my stomach. It's like a shady-looking elf, if there ever was such a thing. Elf! Huh? Out there you sell wares that are not wholesome and good. This man is a charlatan! Why, I don't know what you're talking about.

He, like, kicks his stand and this thing flops down and there's, like, a sign. A little puff of smoke comes out of it and it says, Old McAllister's Magical Mixture. Look, I'm going to go over and just grab... Has he got like a row of... Yeah, he's got like a row of bottles.

I'm going to grab one, open it, drink it and try and tell what's inside. You throw up. So you poisoned me. No, sir, it got rid of the poison in your stomach. Oh, no. I'm getting out fucking spruiked. You're pretty sure he's having you on,

but there's a little crowd forming, and they're pretty convinced by him. Can I counter that? Because I've been building up some relationships. I've been like, this guy's clearly a piece of shit. This guy is clearly nothing but a snake oil salesman. Come on, guys. We all know it.

Has anyone ever heard of anything like this at work? Guys. A lot of the group are, like, shifting their feet. They're a little uneasy. Like, this guy's pretty convincing, but they respect you. Some of them do. Some of them respect you. If you are so sure that your miracle cure works,

I propose a test. Give me one of your daggers. You throw up again. Again, it continues to work. Give me one of your daggers, merchant. Give me one of my daggers. If your elixir is so powerful that you will be able to be stabbed in the stomach

and then just a simple drink will cure you. Come on, you don't want to look like an idiot in front of the crowd. Why, of course. He, like, holds out his hand. I give him the dagger. He just taps me. No. You, as he, like, pulls it towards himself,

he gives, like, a little bit of a flourish. Jackson, you notice him switch the daggers out with money. Hey, hey, hey. Huh? He switched the dagger. You saw it. What are you talking about? This guy.

Give me that dagger. I think the entire crowd sees this time. Yeah, he's obviously switching the dagger out again. You saw that. The crowd starts booing him. Whoa, whoa, whoa. ladies and gentlemen, please. Okay, so this dagger is my dagger. I'll stab you in the stomach.

He hands you back your dagger. I'll stab you in the stomach. Hey, how do I know you're not going to try and kill me, huh? Well, you've got an elixir. You'll be all right. How do I know you didn't have a competing elixir, huh? We don't. We sell furs.

We would if you didn't fucking forget them. Here's a better one. elixir, huh? We don't. We sell furs. Here's a better one. Here's a better one. How about if I'll let you stab your compatriot there and if my elixir, my

genuine bona fide elixir, does not heal him on the spot, I will pay you 500 gold coins. I rip open my shirt to reveal my chance. Sounds like a plan! What do you do to your armor, though? Oh, I think that was in my common clothes.

Oh, okay, fine. Okay, I'm just going to gently just cut him across the chest. That's enough to draw blood. Not enough to do some, like, serious wounding. Jackson, you take damage.

It's like a... He's just like, oh my god, I stabbed you. Jackson, you take... I put it in my mage hand. I let the mage hand do it. You take two points of damage. Like regular damage? Yeah, like regular lethal damage.

Even though you're trying not to hurt him, you're cutting him with a fucking dagger. Oh, okay. Give me one of the elixirs right now. He hands you an elixir. you're like trying not to hurt him you're cutting him with a fucking dagger oh okay give me one of the elixirs right now he hands you an elixir can I drink it? is he being like shifty with the elixir? no he hands you he like takes it off the shelf

and he like he probably even pulls back his sleeves as he does it and hands you the elixir I look around at the crowd hang on everyone waits with wasted breath I want to give it a sniff first I want to check if it's like quality good I look around at the crowd. Hang on. Everyone waits for the needed breath. I want to give it a sniff first. I want to check if it's like quality goods. Smells like hazelwood.

Is that good? Smells woody, earthy. It's got a woody, earthy smell. So, do you want it? Do you want to drink it? Well, I guess we'll have to find out next time on The Merchant of Freightback. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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