D&D is For Nerds - Welcome to Ogg Nott II #2 A Whole Mess of Kobolds

Episode Date: March 5, 2016

Welcome to Ogg Nott Season 2In which our heroes trespass on the lands of the dragon god Torkol. We fight some kobolds, kill some fleeing kobolds and enter the dragon hole. Cassius tries to tear someone in half, Princess Ansley has to take a ticket and Leo gets trapped in a net. So join us as we watch some kobolds kill each other. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, aim carefully next time. Hey everyone, Sands Pants wants to take our show on the road and go around Australia, but we're not sure where to start. So to help us get an idea on the best place to go, we've put together a survey you can access from the show notes or just head to our website, sandspantsradio.com, and one will automatically pop up. We have a limit of 1,000 responses,

so all you international listeners need not respond. But don't worry, when we're ready to go overseas, you guys will be the first to know. So thanks in advance, we hope to see your handsome faces very soon. Now, enjoy the show. There's nothing sadder than a group of adults sitting around a table rolling dice to learn imaginary spells, but that's exactly what we're doing today. Welcome to episode 27 of D&D is for Nerds. I'm Ellie Kathleen, and I'll be playing Princess Ainsley Foggyfeather. Across from me is Joel Zammett playing the role of Leo Shadow. Hiya.

And next to me is Jackson B. Bailey rolling the play of... I'm sorry. Excuse me. Sorry, what? It's come again Rolling the play Rolling the play of what? Playing the role And next to me is Jackson B. Bailey

Playing the role of Cassius Christie Yeah And as always Our DM that we picked up off the street Adam Calculus Exam. Shut up, Adam. Previously on D&D is Finesse. My name is Cassius Christie.

I'm a lady dwarf. Good, because how funny. Girl power! Dwarf power. I also have an owl called Mr. Fists. Who's my familiar. Who's just as rough and tumble as I am. It takes maybe two hours for you guys to realize how lost you are.

And sitting behind a desk is a very elderly looking elf. A dragon's lair. The dragon is long dead, but its lair is still guarded by magical enchantments and some of the dragon's more fervent followers who even in death guard it. I would warn you, however, of the perils of gold lust. Grayson says, oh, following the coast? I reckon I can handle that. You guys are setting off along the coast.

So like you said, it takes you maybe two days before... What? I thought it was a day. Day south. Yeah, day south, maybe two days before. What? I thought it was a day. Day south. Oh, sorry. Yeah, day south, maybe two days along the coast. You're traveling maybe two days along the coast before the tree line, the trees like sort of completely disappear and you find yourself maybe, maybe like almost there.

You can see like a cliff face and there are caves. Several caves. Some of them smaller, but there's this one massive one that even at this distance you can see. And you have to imagine that's the one the dragon lived in. Let's go in the one next to it. Why? Because don't dragons hide? This dragon's dead. Oh. Let's go in the big one. To be fair though, that's not a good argument against what she said. I mean, I'm not saying, this is Grayson, I'm not saying Ainsley is right. I'm saying that's not a good argument to say she's wrong.

I don't know. I'm just, I guess we could scout the other holes. Would they have stuff in them? Potentially. Yeah, but. You could find, you might find many things. It could be that his followers live in the separate caves, Grayson says. We don't want to deal with that.

If we take more than we need, apparently a big evil car will be seen. I think we can handle a bunch of kobolds, Grayson says. But the other thing I'm worried about. Is the evil? Yeah. Okay. Well, we don't need to worry about that until we find the treasure. Yeah, it's fine.

Okay, well, then we can go into the cave. Even then, from what we heard, it sounds like if we don't touch the treasure, we don't need to worry about it. Yeah, it's fine. Okay, well then we can go to the treasure. Even then, from what we heard, it sounds like if we don't touch the treasure, we don't need to worry about it. I guess you're right. Well, let's just... Maybe I'm wrong, though. I'm going to scout ahead.

Grayson's second-guessing himself after the tree incident. Grayson has had a lot of time to think about the choices he's made. I'm going to go scout ahead a little and see what's going on. Try and be stealthy as much as I can. Is it night time? I'd say it's about midday right now. It's midnight.

It's midnight. Okay. Mr. Bloody Fists. Well, when it gets dark though, it's his time to shine. We're going to be sleepy baby boys but he is going to Leo, you're scouting ahead along there's like a path that leads towards these caves

it goes away from the coast and as you're walking down it you think you hear something in one of the there's like bushes off to the side that rustles you turn around and you hear a snapping the snapping turns out to be a trap setting off like bushes off to the side that rustles. You turn around and you hear a snapping.

The snapping turns out to be a trap setting off, and you know those nets that comically hoist you up into the air? That's what you're in. We can get you down. How far ahead did you go from these two guys? Like 50 meters. Oh, okay. Well, we see.

Yeah, it's kind of obvious. At that point, a bunch of kobolds leap out of the bushes. We'll leave you there. I'd say maybe eight in total. I ready my fists. I'm going to punch some kobolds into the earth. One of the kobolds, they don't attack you immediately. One of the kobolds like darts forward and in very broken common, it says, this

talk or land, you run now. What do you guys want to do? I want to punch it in the face. I just laugh. In the net. You're pretty far away. You couldn't close the distance. You couldn't close the distance fast enough. How big are they? Like the size of a chicken?

They're slightly shorter than Leo. They're small. I want to spend my turn just laughing. Maybe about the height of a table. Your average default table. Yep. Just basic garden. I want to start cutting at the ropes.

Cutting at the ropes with a dagger. I'm going to go to because uh cassius is quite obviously going to attack so we're gonna go there that's me running up the beach that's you running normally short stubby legs then i feel like I'm envisioning something else to imagine I just imagine you running with your short stubby legs That's basically what it is

That's basically what's occurring Cassius, you're first Sick! You spend your turn Closing the distance You're going to be right up next to the one that was yelling about Torkoal, but that's your turn. That's fine.

Leo, you cut at the ropes. You make considerable headway, but you're not going to free yourself just yet. Cobalt's turn. So seven of them heft spears at Cassius. My AC is 19. That's okay. What the hell is an AC? Armor class.

Oh, that sounds nice. So it's kind of nice that we actually lost the wizard, but we gained, like, a tank. Yeah, that's kind of what I'm trying to be. Like, I shouldn't be as a druid. Well, my experience of, like, druids is from World of Warcraft. Can you turn into a bear and be a tank? Not yet.

But that's a thing that can happen? In a couple levels, yes. Oh, my God. I can turn into, from memory, a black bear. Awesome. And a crocodile. Oh, the best. I wish I could be a crocodile now and just death roll these cunts.

Oh, my God. Seven poorly thrown spears. Just clatter around you. No one scores a hit. Then the one that you're standing right next to, he's wearing this poorly made leather armor that looks like human skin. I feel like they're really trying, though, guys.

He jabs at you with a shorter spear. He misses as well. None of them score a hit. Delightful. Grayson also charges down, but he spends his entire round just closing the distance as well. None of them score a hit. Delightful. Grayson also charges down, but he spends his entire rounds just closing the distance as well. He's standing next to you, Cassius. Ainsley? I would like to shoot them with my rapid

shot. I knew what I wanted to do. Who do you want to target? The one standing, do you want to like two different people or the one person standing? What is it again? What is it? Like if I shoot them both at the same one, they're better? So rapid shot is basically less likely to hit, but you get

more attacks. So it's used for lightly armored targets or multiple enemies. These are both. I would like to... You know what? You can use the first attack and then choose, if the first attack doesn't kill them, just hit them again. Just the one that's standing next to Cassius and Grayson?

Where are the rest of them? They're like back near the bushes. They may be like another 10 feet beyond. So they're just waiting. They look like they're going to, they look like they don't want to get into a close fight with Cassius. Oh, good. And Grayson who's wearing armor.

I would like to try and shoot that one and then make Cassius a little bit angry because I got it and she didn't. Rude. You have not warmed to me yet, lady. I've warmed to you. You haven't warmed to me. I'm a being of love.

So two arrows streak past you, Cassius. One cripples basically this kobold, like strikes him in the knee and he goes on to his Drops to his hands and knees And he's like And the second arrow Strikes him in his slightly opened mouth Killing him

You're welcome I want to give you a thumbs up Cassius it's your turn You can move and attack this time because they're only like 10 feet down But you'd be attacking seven all at once. How much strength would be required to tear one in half? A lot? A lot.

18? Sorry, 19? Which one's your strength? Oh, I'm 14. I can't tear one in half. I was just thinking if I could use my bull strength again. That's all right. You could, theoretically. All right, yes. I can't tear one in half. I was just thinking if I could use my bull strength again. That's all right. I'll try.

You could, theoretically. All right, yes. Bull strength, pick one up, tear it in half. Casting the spell and then moving forward is your turn. I'll take whatever. Leo? Keep cutting out of that rope. You are not doing well on that rope.

It's tough. Cobbled rope. I hope they all miss me again. They surround you. Make them easier to pick up. There's so many dice that he's shaking. Anytime you're ready, Adam. I'm mad.

They all missed again. I'm so mad. I'm so incredibly mad. Oh, yay! Critical failure. It's critical fail, which is kind of like a crit hat for us. Adam has had an aneurysm or something. What?

So one of them critical failures fails, and his critical failure is surrounded by foes. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Your attack hits an ally within reach and is a critical threat. You must confirm the critical hit. That's the best. So does that mean he just kills one of his mates? Is it confirmed?

He got a critical success. Oh, Brad. I'm a happy boy. Adam is not. He kills one of the kobolds, charges forward like, and then another kobold gets in his way. He's like, no, no. He stabs straight through this other kobold, killing it.

Two kobolds dead. Did they both kill each other? Did they both kill each other? Did they both kill each other? No, no, no. One of them killed another one. Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, that's right. So down to six kobolds now.

That's one kobold, two kobolds dead, one kobold traumatized. Grayson charges in. Amazing. What you looking for? What you looking for, handsome? There he is. How you going, Grayson charges in. Amazing. What you looking for? What you looking for, handsome? There he is. How you going, Grayson? How you going, Grayson?

Let's see what you do. How do you feel about commitment, Grayson? Grayson steps up. He's got a long sword. He swings that, but the kobold that he's attacking is the one that was just killed by its ally, so he ends up basically doing nothing. Ainsley.

I would like to shoot another one of them, please, with my rapid shot. I don't know if that's Adam's like, ha-ha, I fucked you, or ha-ha, you fucked me face. It's the same face. You just don't know. You're just like, I think, I don't know, am I winning or losing? Am I winning or losing? That's a damage

So the first arrow you draw When you pull it back You are about to release But at that moment Leo falls out of his little thing Hits the ground And you're about to release the arrows straight into his dumb little face.

This keeps happening. My face is quite dumb. So instead you like, just like fire straight down into the ground and the arrow goes into the muck and mud. Okay. Your second arrow kills another kobold. One like leaps on one.

That's like trying to scramble up your back. Cassius like takes an arrow and slumps back down. You haven't done anything. I know, but I've killed so many. One. By doing nothing. And now it is Cassius' turn. I want to pick him up and tear him in half.

Please, please, please, please, please. He scores a hit. Oh, no! So as you're reaching down to grab him, he doesn't grab you, he spears. Like, your momentum to grab him is what gets the spear. You take four points of damage. I'm on 29.

You are. Huge. I'm a powerful little lady. You are Huge I'm a powerful little lady And your attempt to grab it fails Leo You fell onto the floor

It's going to be your entire turn to get up Unless you want to try to attack from the ground Yeah right You could throw a dagger from the ground Yeah Too good Throw him in the face You're like rolling around in the muck Yeah. Cool. Too good. Throw him in that face. You miss.

You're like rolling around in the muck and it's like in your fucking face and eyes and you're like, did I hit him? Good. You didn't. That's the answer to your question. Am I going to get up next turn? You're up, but you'll be up next turn. All right.

I'm not Adam. I'm so sorry. In my heart, you are. Two kobolds try to spear you, neither of which succeed. Three attack Grayson. None of them score a hit either. Yeah.

These fucking idiot kobolds. Good. Maybe that's why the dragons don't like either. Yeah. These fucking idiot cobbles. Good. Maybe that's why the dragons don't like her. Yeah, because they're shit. Fairly shit. Grayson hits one. Yes. Yeah, Grayson neatly cuts it in half around the waist.

Yes. Four left. My boyfriend is so epic. I can say that. And Ainsley. I'm still excited about that. I love it. Rapid shot, please. Thunk, thunk. Thunk, thunk. You hit two. Yes. Yeah, boy. I'm still excited about that rapid shot please

thunk thunk you hit two did I kill two? you kill only one of them you wound the other one I am smashing this round one of them takes like an arrow in the eye it doesn't even

it falls onto its back from the force. And Cassius, you're standing next to it. So you can see the kobold's like, what? The kobold doesn't understand what just happened to it. And it takes a moment for the kobold to reach up to its eye. And it's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Step on its head, Cassius.

The other one that you hit took an arrow to the thigh, but doesn't seem to understand. Oh, sorry, it doesn't seem to kill it. Oh, okay. The other one doesn't seem to understand. Oh, so is that... Three left. Is that the one just going to like slowly die?

Probably not. It's only an arrow. In the eye? Oh, you mean the one that you floored with the arrow? Yeah. Yeah, no, no, that one's dead. The other one, the one that got it in the thigh, that was going to live unless you guys do something about that.

Let's be honest. Cassius. Can I punch him into the ground? Like from above, just into the mud? I gave you unarmed attack again. Yeah! Happy little boy. No.

Fuck! You like swing, but you've got mud in your eyes as well It's a muddy fight Then it is Leo's turn Am I up now? No you threw a dagger Alright Throw another dagger who gives a fuck

You can pick them up later It's really muddy Can I grapple one of them? You can pick them up later. So it's really muddy and uneven. Can I grapple one of them? You're too far away from them. God damn it. You're not next to them. You can make ranged attacks to try and hit them. I think you still have another dagger.

I have a sling as well. You can't sling from the ground. I'll get up. Soz. Boring. I'll boringly get up. So really, the answer to that, can I get up So really the answer Jack Can I get up was no

You said yes That's why you trust Adam not me The kobolds scarper They're like trying to run away Do you want to let them go Remember what happened last time we let someone disappear What happened last time We lost Griff

Grayson chooses not to pursue because he wasn't there. Ainsley, they're still in range for you. Yeah, I'd like to continue shooting at them from a distance without, you know, but, like, really focus. That Adam head twitch. It's a time. You only hit once. But oh, you hit.

Crit half, crit half, crit half. Kidney piercing. Oh, no. He might need that later. Well, no, crit half. Kidney piercing. Oh, Jesus. He might need that later. Well, no, he won't because I think he's dead now. So this kobold's passing. It's slightly, very lightly treed around here. That's how you were strung up.

One of your arrows, Ainsley, goes straight through him, catches its kidney, and in cartoon style, tears the kidney out and pails it on the tree. Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross. The kobold takes a couple more staggering steps and then slumps forward. Cool. Two more.

Two more. Yeah. And then it is Cassius's turn. If I try and run and leap on one of them... You will fail. They are faster than you. I'll try and sling them. Why not? That's all I got. You hit. Yes!

Do you kill, though? Yes. Shut up. No, you don't. You hit the one that Ainsley hit. It's like a glancing blow off the back of its head. You drew blood, but not enough to stop it from running. Fuck. It'll die of infection. So there's two left.

You can use your sling if you want. Better use a sling or a dagger? Sling. Sling it. Better range. You hit as well? Yes. So now there's only one left.

So the first one knocks it in the back of the head. Cassius is one. And it like stumbles a little bit. It turns around and you think it's about to mock you or something like that, and then your second bullet, the slingspire, what they're called is bullets, strikes it in the face, and it falls forward. I look over at Cassius and nod.

Thumbs up! The last one is well out of range. All right. I'm going to keep following. I'm running towards it. Oh, you run after it? Oh, fuck yeah, man. I'm saying we're out of initiative now. You guys can just chase if you want. I will I'm gonna keep following. I'm running towards it. Oh, you run after it? Oh, fuck yeah, man. I'd say we're out of initiative now. You guys can just

chase if you want. I will. Yeah, alright. Grayson, as you're like running past Grayson, Grayson says, wait, there could be more traps! I slow down and stop and be like, ah, can we still see him? Uh, he's well in the distance. Out of range of even Ainsley.

Damn. Bugger. It's just a kobold. Grayson says, yeah, kobolds, while not particularly dangerous in small numbers, and their traps aren't necessarily well thought out, he says, gesturing to the poorly made rope trap, they do tend to set a lot of them.

I think we should take the rest of this road very carefully. Good advice Alright Check for traps I forgot you had that ability Me too As did I You spend the next

It takes you a lot longer when you're checking for traps To get there But you do eventually get to the base of this little hilly area With the caves You notice as you're getting closer and closer as well, Grayson seems to be like, uh, like he's kind of throwing caution to the wind.

He seems to be in a hurry for some reason. You guys can't tell what. You're looking up. And like I said before, there's the one massive tunnel that you imagine probably perfectly fits a dragon. And then a lot of smaller connect or not connecting, but like other caves that you can see. fits a dragon and then a lot of smaller, not connecting, but like other caves that you can see.

Then be dragon holes. There was no dragon. The dragon's dead, yeah? There was no dragon. They told us that there was no dragon. You were told. Just double checking. Yeah, there was.

Dragon's dead, but there's a curse, so if we take too much gold, what defines too much? We don't know. Maybe. Very vague. We get turned into a dragon. It's like Narnia. I don't know. Maybe. Very vague. Get turned into a dragon. It's like Narnia. I don't know if that's the...

Jackson, when you yell really loud, God, I love that. It's so great. Please don't stop. I'll move back. So now when he yells, he can be over here. It'll be good.

If you could just not yell, that'd be great. But that's how I talk. Hey, fuck, boy. It's not in his character to not yell. This is staying in, right? Yeah. The last time I said that in a podcast, we all had a joke,

and I was like, ha-ha, but you'll take it out, like, in my head. I was like, yeah, he'll take it out. I didn't. You didn't. You didn't. Too good. Should we be resting? Is it, like, coming on night?

What's going on? Is there a door we can... It's starting to get a little dark, but light, dark, doesn't matter inside a cave. That's a fairly point. Do we need a nap? No, we'll be right. We don't have a nap.

A nap. Oh, a nap. A nap, like a nana nap, or a cat nap, or a siesta. I think siesta is the opposite. Siesta. Fiesta also a party? Fiesta is a party. Siesta is a nap.

Are we going through the big hole? The dragon hole? Apparently the dragon hole has the treasure. Let's stop calling it the dragon hole, please. No. It is a hole where a dragon was. That makes logical sense. Adam, do I have dragon knowledge?

Do I? No. I don't think I do, so I'm going to keep calling it a dragon hole. Dragon hole it is. Dragon hole. Yep. Yeah, I don't have dragon knowledge.

Wouldn't have a clue where to look. I'm aware dragon knowledge isn't a stat. You look sad. I am. Is it possible to reach the dragon hole from where we are, or are we going to need to go through smaller caves? No, you can just climb. It's not even that difficult to climb. Torches. I think we need torches,

guys. How's Grayson doing? Grayson, you know, he's just sitting down on a rock, minding his own business. How many kobolds are around? None that you can see. Adam, I'd like to use my call animal spell, whatever that druid one is.

It's just like, hey, animals in the area, let's come kick it. Oh, that's a wonderful spell. Oh, it's super good. I have one for plants, it's to talk to plants. But I just want to contact an animal, see what's going on. What do plants have to say? Not much, they're plants. Some are often not, they're like, the heat changed.

Don't know what that was about. There was something that almost stood on me. Yeah, I couldn't tell you what it was. Was it heavy? I'm a plant, if you weren't aware. So that's always a shame. I am aware of no such spell. Isn't there one that is like animals in the area?

Come to me. Or can I look for animals? You can look for animals. I guess I'll look for animals. Like just with his eyes? Just a good old gander? Yeah, just a good old search around through the bushes. Anything from a bug to a rhinosaurus.

Adam, roll my look for animals, please. You find no animals. I sit down in a hump. What are you going to do with the animals? I don't know. I was going to ask them what's about. Can you talk to animals? Yes.

I'm a druid. Okay. So what's our game plan here? Do we need to rest? Do we need to just... We're finding an amulet, aren't we? I think we just chuff in the dragon hole. Chuff in the dragon hole? Chuff in the dragon hole?

Yeah, in the dragon hole. How far away to the dragon hole, Adam? It's right above us. It's a short TPK, sorry, a short climb up the mountain. Uh-huh. Zabit, do you know what a TPK is? Total Particle. No, you don't have to say it. We're going to let him

find out the hard way. Let him find out by dying. Finding out the... Oh, Yeah, let him find out by dying. Finding out? Yeah. Oh, that's what he meant. Well, then we clamber up into the dragon hole, I suppose. Okay, no checks required. It's pretty easy.

All right. You're standing at the entrance. There's no lights. Constantly looking for traps, Adam. Good plan. I'm going to slow everyone down. Don't care. Cassius, you have dark vision,

and so you can see in pure darkness. What am I looking at? Only everyone down. Don't care. Cassius, you have dark vision, and so can see in pure darkness. What am I looking at? Only 60 feet. Any bats? None. Zoo bats? Hang on. Let me finish with Leo, then I'll get on to you.

What about me, Adam? What about you? He's ignoring me now, guys. You find no traps, okay? Take a ticket. Uh-huh. Jackson? no traps, okay? Take a ticket. Jackson? I mean, Cassius?

Looking for bats. Check for traps, check for bats. You see no bats. Never mind. Ainsley? I need to find something that rhymes with hats and bats. Hats? I meant to say traps and bats. Hats.

I'd like to look for hats. No, that's a stupid idea. Agreed. I'll light a torch. Thanks. And then we'll see stuff and then you'll be able to give us a word picture of what we are seeing. Yes, I can do that now. Yep. Sue, you

light the torch and it thankfully now both Ainsley and Leo can see properly in the tunnel. You're welcome. The light flickers off. It's obviously made by something. This is not naturally forming. It's too straight and the floor is too well flattened.

But it doesn't have any worked quality to it. So it was like a burrowing creature. Tunneled, I guess. So it wasn't the kobolds? The kobolds could have done it. It's potentially possible. It would have taken them a long time. know, like a borrowing creature. Tunnelled, I guess. So it wasn't the kobolds? The kobolds could have done it. It's potentially possible. It would have taken them a long time. Yeah, quite a while.

How big is this cave, Warren? What are we talking? The cave you're looking at is... If all of you held hands, including Grayson, and, like, stretched out, you could touch either side. Oh, OK. Where's Mr Fist? Mr Fist is fine with me, yeah?

Oh, cool. It's his morning. Good morning, Mr Fists. Mr Fists, can you scout ahead? Can you talk to Mr Fists? I'm a droid! Yeah, I know, but can you talk to... Mr Fists launches off your shoulder and flies into the cavern.

Does Mr Fists say stuff to you? He says stuff, I say in quotation marks. He says owl things. They can't communicate like people can, but they can be like danger or like hungry or scared. They can communicate through feelings. And like, well, hatred for Jiggalump. Sure.

Yeah, with Jiggalump. But with Mr. Fists, we've got a great relationship. That's so good. I'm so happy for you. Do you have, like, a whole bag of mice you can feed him? Yeah, I'll have a bag of mice hanging off my pouch. Can I write that down, Adam? Go ahead.

I've got to feed him somehow. Yes. Bag of mice. He can feed himself, but whatever. Hey, sometimes you've got to reward Mr. Fists. Yeah. For being a good owl. And that's what you didn't do with Jiggle-O.

Yeah, that's why he turned. Nothing to do with throwing him into a trap. Trying to drown him. To be fair, that came after the... Yeah, that's true, but it was an uneasy relationship. Pushing him to attack zombies on his own. Mr. Fists would do it. Anyway, we'll scout ahead through the tunnel,

being like we're really looking for... Oh, wait, no. Do we want to wait for Mr. Fists to come back with the all clear? Yeah, we might have a bit of a rest. A little bit of a sit-sipoo. City poo? Sit-sipoo? Mr. Fists, after maybe, I'd say, ten minutes,

soars back out of the darkness. It's a little scary at first when he comes into the torchlight. Ah, Mr Fist, it's just you. Yeah, you realise who it is. I get spooked. Mr Fist lands once again on your shoulder, Cassius, and just starts preening himself. Right, so he's not fussed.

All clear, gang. There's nothing happening. Or Mr Fist is, like, so good at practical jokes. Could be. That he's going to get one of you killed? Mr. Fist, this is a bad joke. I am laughing, though. You got me.

It's a laugh, but it's a laugh of fear. Let's chuff on. We'll carry on through the tunnel. Through the dragon hole. I'll take out my scimitar. You'll draw your weapon? That's okay. Your what?

My scimitar. You know, like a curved sword? Oh, what? I got one. Are you a Russian dwarf? Oh, that's a sickle. You're thinking of a sickle. I am thinking of a sickle.

Scimitars are more Middle Eastern. Yeah, like Arabian. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now I've got it in my head now. But I'm going to trade it in for boxing gloves first chance I get. What? Why?

Those do not exist. Some kind of gauntlet? Brass knuckles? Duster. Gauntlets. Yeah, I might change them in for gauntlets at some point. Why would you do that? Except you can't use metal. I'll change them for wooden gauntlets then.

Druids cannot use metal weapons. Isn't a scimitar metal? Scimitars are part of the exception to the rule because they are similar to a cat's claws or natural weapons. That's damn fucking straight, yo. So you can have Wolverine claws? Eh? I don't want them. I want to use my fists. I'll get ironwood gauntlets at some point.

Why? How good. You can get dragonhide gauntlets. Done. I think we completely skipped when we introduced your character, but your character's armor is made out of dragon hide. I'm doing good. Wow.

All right, then. Anyway. You probably bought it rather than killed the dragon yourself. Yeah, it doesn't seem like me. Try terror dragon and half. I bet you lie about it as well. I tore dragon and half. Now I'm wearing it.

You're like, it's super tailor-made. So you head in. Yes. Yes, we head in. You're walking for maybe 15 minutes before the light catches... You see this massive set of iron doors. Obviously, Mr. Fists didn't go past this point.

The iron doors have set in the center of them a smaller door that you imagine kobolds might use to go in and out. Why would they just open the normal doors? The massive iron doors are way too big for kobolds. Can we fit to the small door? You can, Leo.

Ainsley and Cassius, you would have to like, you could still do it you'd be like ducking down pretty heavily kobolds like reach your waist

can we just open the bloody door I'm gonna check for traps check for traps yeah I'm gonna check for all these traps Adam is it a riddle

like is it a riddle to open it because I know the answer guys it's friend do you guys know how to say friend in Elvish

no I know how to say friend in Dwarvish. Does that open the doors, Adam? No, it doesn't. Leo, you speak Elven. Now, you say friend in the doors. Leo, you detect a trap on the doors.

There's a tripwire that connects to some sort of mechanism beneath your feet. There's a tripwire that connects to a mechanism beneath my feet. Deactivate it, halfling! Alrighty, I try and deactivate it. God, don't be so rude, Cassius. He's doing the best he can, alright? I'm sorry. You fail. That's alright.

Fail badly? No, badly, no. The mechanism, while somewhat simple, is still quite out of your grasp. I try again. Is it too tall for him? Out of his grasp. No, just mentally. Oh, yeah.

No, no, no. He's a little halfling brain. Because I'm picturing him trying to jump. Half the smallest house. Oh, yeah. No, you disable it. Yes. You realise it was a very simple mechanism, actually.

I'm an idiot. Oh, my God. It's like one of those light bulb moments. This is so hard, guys. No'm an idiot. Oh, my God. It's like one of those, yeah, light bulb moments. This is so hard, guys. No, it's real simple. Except in this universe, I guess it's like more of those fairy fire moments. A firefly moment. No, fairy...

It's like a spell that makes fire. Either way, I'm not laughing. I don't give a fuck. I'm not doing this for you. I'll crawl through the door. Okay. Oh, so you're... Do you want to open the...

Okay. The big one? Yeah, let's open the big door. Like epic stuff. All right, I want to push the big door open with my powerful muscles. I'd like to take a step back. Okay.

Oh, and I'll use bull strength. Give me a plus four. Doesn't help. I look around embarrassed. You sprain an ankle or something. Not sprain, pull a muscle. It appears to be locked by some powerful spell. Let's go through the little one.

Or just really heavy, says Grayson. Maybe we should. Could be. What if we all try? What if we all try to push the door? Give me a lantern for a sec I'm just going to chuff into the smaller hole and see what's on the other side

if there's like a giant something around that if we open these doors it's going to attack us Ainsley you pass your lantern to him actually do you have a lantern I've got my own lantern I like my own lantern for real I've got my own lantern. I like my own lantern. Okay. You can have it. Yeah, all right.

And I'll... For real? No. Okay. Now we can all see. A bright light for you all to see by for the last moments of your lives. How good. You open the door? Yeah, very gingerly.

I want to, like, peer in. Do you see the horde you were searching for? Do you see a horde you weren't looking for, like one of kobolds slashing at your throat? Find out next time on D&D is for Nerds. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.

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