D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #1 Welcome to Chult

Episode Date: July 20, 2019

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Previously. The world is ending. Did you know? Is it because of you? No, but we can save people. I can save people. Tiffany, something touched your leg. You jerked a little bit.

It was wet and slimy. It curled around your leg. You looked down. Nothing there. He doesn't pull his hand back. He's just leaning across the table, reaching out to you, frozen. This guy's messed up.

I feel like we just gotta... Helm, if we were to leave and told you to stay, could you stay? Or would you have to... I must stay. Sir Grace, you are the only one aware of what's happening. All right, fuck this. The tentacles, this is Black Tentacle Monster. Probably coming from a helm.

Sir Grace starts babbling. You can't understand what he's saying. Crack! Michael Ware goes limp. What? Richard. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no!

The tentacles snap his neck. Fuck you, Dick! My lifelong trauma. If so, Hector, if you come and you both push your bods against our bods, then the tentacles can't touch our front of bods and they can't grab us. And we just shimmy away. I lost so many. You did.

You did. You lost your surrogate father and your real father. My both sets of parents gone. For the past several days, the talk of the streets and taverns has all been around the so called death curse a wasting disease afflicting everyone who's ever been raised from the dead a rare thing but something that does occur nonetheless victims grow thinner and weaker each day, slowly but steadily sliding towards the death they once denied. When they finally

succumb, they can't be raised and neither can anyone else, regardless of whether they've ever received that miracle in the past. Temples and scholars of divine magic are at a loss to explain a curse that has affected the entire region and possibly the entire world.

Tiffany, you have returned from Fairburn Point where you lost your father. Yep. You traveled for a time with Sir Hector until he decided that he needed, that you both needed to do something about this. You're not just going to sit on your asses and let your father be consumed by the darkness, whatever darkness is infesting the southern end of the kingdom. You have decided that it would be best, though, to split ways here and try to gain support separately before coming back together. You've arranged like a time and a place to meet back up.

So Hector went one way thinking that he could amass maybe bounty hunters or monster hunters of some sort. You have decided that a war or at least like fighting requires gold. You know that much from your time spent in the capital you know that money is what makes the world turn and so you have approached the only person you know that has any money lady where the now grieving widow of unky dick you weren't as close with her as you ever were with unky dick but she at least knows your face and she won't close her door on you the second she sees it. As something that couldn't be said about a lot of other nobility in Kandor. You are...

You don't have a lot of friends in Kandor. And now that your father is gone, you've never felt so alone in your entire life. I didn't think it could get worse. It did! Only way out is through i gotta i gotta save dad i really have to save dad i don't have anyone else okay pop mandarin hello you are in the city of hydale hydale is the capital of the nationandor, which is possibly the largest and one of the most prosperous nations in the world. Hydale is, as I said, the seat of power where the king lives and where all the highest of nobility live. You, Tiffany, are quite familiar with the city of Hydale, but Pop, you are very unfamiliar with this city.

This entire continent, actually, is a place you've never ventured before. You are, for lack of a better term, a hermit. This place is fucking awful, and I want to go home. You lived your life a long, long way from here, and since then, since leaving home, you've traveled a lot, I imagine. You've traveled nowhere on a map, but you've traveled nonetheless, if that makes sense. Don't need no maps. I got this covered. I just know where I'm going and where I'm going is far away from places like fucking here.

You found, quickly found work for yourself ferrying to and from a place known as Port Nyanzaru, a place that you're somewhat familiar with. You've been there before. It's a bustling city that kind of maybe reminds you of the place you're in right now, except Hydale isn't a coastal city. These two cities are the largest places, largest civilizations that you've ever been to by far, and they perhaps make you feel uncomfortable. They fucking do there's too many people too much noise and uh lots of fuckheads everywhere i don't like it i want to go home you

have been promised a sizable sum of money well there's that so i'm gonna stay you have been promised a sizable sum of money by one lady where, if you would help her in a matter of Port Nyanzaru interest, an amount of money that you really frankly can't pass up. It's enough to maybe retire on, given things go right. Yeah, exactly. It is more than enough to retire on, considering all I need to retire is a tree and a hammock and no one fucking anywhere near me. You're well aware of the idea. Like, you know that if you buy a bit of forest

that no one fucking wants, you can get a lot of forest and you can- That's a lot of hammocks, mate. You can be as far away from people as you want and you finally will have what you want, people leaving you the fuck alone. Because it's your land. Yes.

Absolutely. Get off my forest. You are sitting in the mansion. That the Ware family owns. In just a small side chamber. And you're just sitting at a table. You're waiting for Lady Ware to see you. So that she can tell you what she needs from you.

Tiffany. You approach the front door. To the Ware mansion. you're waiting for Lady Ware to see you so that she can tell you what she needs from you. Tiffany, you approach the front door to the Ware mansion. It's a bustling street outside, but people, no one is making any contact with you. No one wants to be within 50 feet of you. Yep. And they're giving you a pretty wide berth. Yeah.

When we were in a team, it helped. We got to move through cabs really easily. But when you're just traveling alone, it's a bit isolating. Mm-hmm. It doesn't feel like a superpower at all. Without my dad near me. Okay, let's knock on this door. You knock on the front door and a porter.

Is that the job of a porter? No, porters are in a hotel. Sorry. A butler answers the door. Right this way ma'am thank you he leads you into the same little side room that pop is in one of you a tortle that's right the other one a tiefling you are an odd couple please describe yourselves all right i'm pop mandarin i'm a i'm a middle-aged turtle, which means I'm about 27. I don't wear a lot of clothes because I've got a shell. I'm basically a giant turtle, ain't I?

So I don't need a tortoise, if you will, actually, because I'm land-based, but I can swim. I've got a shell that's got a lot of knocks and scars and chunks taken out of it from my time away. I'm also missing an eye, and I've replaced that eye with the preserved eye of a basilisk, and I have a spare in case I ever lose either the other eye or the preserved eye I currently have. My only articles of clothing is several belts and a straw hat. Tiffany? I am the daughter of uh sir grace um i i'm a tiefling i have blue skin i've got tightly coiled little horns i feel like my shame just caused them not to grow out as far as possible i try and braid my hair around them

but it just makes me look like i have an ablomally large head and there's no way I can really hide my skin. I am a leather worker. I'm very good at what I do. I'm very, very good at leather working. I went to leather working school. Dad sent me away to leather working school when I was younger, which gave me the skills I need. I mean, I should mention he adopted me and, you know, he chose me once and it's my turn to choose him.

We have to go find my dad. Should I mention I have a brother? I was about to say, actually, as Tiffany is sitting down at the same table you're at, the butler says, you'll be on the same job together. So, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. You don't know anything about a job, Tiffany. I know about the job.

Are you telling me I'm working with that? Hi. What job? I was about to say, I forgot to say it before. Both of you get a good boy card for amazing character introductions. Thank you. Get another good boy card for just destroying Cass. Oh, is it hard?

It was good. Can I just say, as Tom, he's going to kill me. But I'm going to do it anyway. Yeah, no, you need those good boy cards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's amazing. You'll help me by hurting me. Fuck.

The trick is I string them out so that they're further and further and further apart until finally I just train you to be mean. Oh, my God. Then I will become you. Look, he's- What? No, the creature is turning upon the master immediately. Can I give a spooky prediction? Yeah.

We've been warned, but it won't stop us. That's very funny and true. That's going to be on my gravestone Was warned, did not stop him That's a great headstone Was warned, did not stop him Someone should write that down so we've got that forever somehow I'm going to have on my tombstone

You're standing on my head But written in really small fonts They have to walk up to it But written like In comic sense Somehow written muffled Have to walk up to it. Yeah. But written like someone's... In comic sense. Somehow written muffled. Muffled by...

It says like little asterisks, muffled by feet. So, you don't know anything about this job, Tiffany. The butler does not respond to what you just said. He just says, so I suggest you get acquainted. And then he closes the doors behind you. Behind himself. In front of himself. He closes the doors.

Hello. I'm Tiffany. And you are? You have 10 to 15 minutes of this. So feel free to divulge any information your character might divulge in casual conversation. Nothing. No.

It could be. If you stay quiet, that's fine. I say why I'm here. I mean, to be honest, him. I'm not saying anything. You can just feel the silence with all of the information you need to feel with. And I'll have to. And I won't take your silence as a sign that maybe we won't be friends because, look, this is how people treat me.

So I tell you about why I'm here and where my dad is and how I know Lady Ware and what happened to Unky Dick. I reveal that he's sort of my spiritual uncle he's the nicest person to me oh pop what the fuck have you got yourself into now oh boy is that out loud yes sick i laugh but like that nervous laugh right the one that you do. So your dad. I meant to say doing, but I thought it was funnier if I stopped. Yeah, funny.

So you've lost your dad. Yeah. He adopted me. Oh, I left him. He was stuck in a room. We were going to let her go back in. He was being consumed by this black tentacle darkness. Inky darkness.

Inky darkness. It was awful. We couldn't go back in, but he chose me. I have to choose him. Tiffany explains that her, her father, and another knight by the name of Sir Hector were on a mission to a mission from God. No, from the king. I guess Sir Hector were on a mission to... A mission from God. No, from the king to... Well, I guess Sir Hector was on a mission from God. Anyway.

They were on a mission to secure a famous and powerful seer so that the king could get his advice. But when they got there to Fairburn Point, a city to the south, they found that there was some weird goings-on happening, very Cthulhu-esque type stuff. Except I guess you don't refer to it as Cthulhu-esque type stuff. But ultimately, they tracked down the seer to a remote castle, and in the castle, they had a confrontation where Sir Grace sacrificed himself such that the others could get away.

Right. Right. I mean, he really did save me. Yeah. Sounds like a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. I hope you don't expect me to do something similar. Oh, no.

Pop Mandarin's got two rules. Shut up and no sacrificing. That seems fair. That's a good got two rules. Shut up and no sacrificing. That seems fair. That's a good set of rules. That's all right. My brother, he's got a lot more rules, and he's a fucking idiot, isn't he? So less said about him, the better. You weren't going to talk about him.

You weren't going to talk about him, Pop. I wish I had siblings. No, you don't. I've got three. Oh, that's so many. That's so lucky. That is a lot. This is so many.

Imagine having not just one gigantic thorn in your neck, but three all the fucking time. Imagine having someone like you in your family. What do you mean like you? Like similar to me? Or like me? I didn't meet any tieflings growing up. Right. People just sort of didn't open doors. I regret asking questions.

The butler returns. We all make mistakes. Hi. Oh, fuck. I feel so bad. You're led up the stairs to a library. The library has a large roaring fire up one end, and there's chairs all over the place,

but there are two large leather-bound chairs facing the fire. One of them is turned away from you, and the butler gestures to a small table nearby with some smaller chairs for you to sit down at. There's tea and biscuits. I eat them. I have a tea. I love an Earl Grey.

That's great. The darkly panelled walls here are hung with maps and sea charts. First off, get a good boy card for getting a 20 pop you know the maps and charts very intimately and unfortunately tiffany you are not well you're not as skilled a navigator as pop is that's all right i'm better with leather pop you notice that the maps are of port nyan zaru or the coast around there the place where you're ultimately going to be going and there are some other maps you imagine that are of the local areas you see fairburn point the name that was mentioned to you a couple times on the maps and there seems to be some sort of effort made to connect point nyan zaru to fairburn point

but it doesn't look like any of the maps are making sense like you with your practiced eye you're looking at it and you can see the lines of longitude and latitude have i gotten those names right latitude and longitude latitude and longitude what is gosh latitude is up and down yeah i i didn't know that all right i only know because there's a jumping castle called latitude uh you can see that the lines on the map don't properly connect it looks like there's something seriously wrong with the map it really it almost hurts the mind to look at it. That's proper fuck, that is. Racks, shelves, and cabinets hold hundreds more rolled up and stacked away. The person seated in

the overstuffed chair near the fire, you can't discern their gender. You can, however, see that they're wearing heavy black veils and robes. Looks like someone in mourning, possibly lady wear, probably lady wear. You can't imagine, certainly, who else it could be. It's a lady, Lady Dickens. A hand? A dainty woman's hand emerges from underneath the robes and gestures for you to come a bit closer. I shuffle over quickly. I begrudgingly shuffle over. from underneath the robes and gestures for you to come a bit closer.

I shuffle over quickly. I begrudgingly shuffle over. Now closer to the fire, uncomfortably close to the fire. Well, any distance is uncomfortably close to the fire. It's big and hot. You can see that the person underneath all the veils is indeed Lady Ware. Her face, you can just barely see underneath the veil.

You can see that it's streaked heavily with makeup. It looks like that she's just maybe recently finished crying. And it was a heavy cry. I drop to the floor and sort of almost in like a very deep bow and just say, I'm so sorry, Lady Ware. Your husband was maybe one of the best men I've ever met. Her raspy voice echoes from beneath the veil. Help yourselves to wine and seat yourselves, friends, if I may call you that.

Of course, of course, of course, of course. Anything. The butler comes out with some wine in addition to the biscuits and tea. All right, missus, thank you. Lady Ware turns, or has the butler turn the chair around so that you're facing each other when you have the discussion. I just have this amazing image that it's quite a heavy chair. And she just doesn't help it at all. And it's like.

I just have this amazing image that it's quite a heavy chair. And she just doesn't help him at all. And he's like. And just like no one moves. It's just silence as he's like struggling to turn this chair around. It takes 40 seconds. It's a long time. I know now what death feels like. I can feel it within me.

what death feels like. I can feel it within me. When my beloved passed, I might as well. When I learnt of his death, I contacted every cleric, every paladin, every learned scholar I could, and I brought them here

to bring my beloved back. But no money has been able to help me so far and so I consider it worthless. She spits the last word out as if it were poison. I hold her hand. How'd he die?

He was slain in the service of the king along with she puts a hand on top of your hand. Your father, Sir Grace. Right. See, that's all kings is good for, is making you go fight for them and then get fucking hurt, isn't it? I glare.

That is not, that is insensitive. I am insensitive. I don't say that out loud. My look is saying that. I don't pay attention. I put my tail on top of her hand. She ignores that. You have a tail.

Oh, it's prehensile. Do I have a little, like, turtle tail? I guess. A little nubbin'. A waggin' nubbin'. A little waggle nubbin'. Waggle your nubbin'. I only do that when I'm happy. You waggle your nubbin. I only do that when I'm happy.

You waggle your nubbin every time you go clubbin'. He hates people, but you love getting down. It's a curse. My contacts within carcery. Carcery is a reference that you would not know, Pop. But, Tiffany, you've heard of Karseri. It's a famous, famously a

island off, way off in the distance. Think like Azkaban, basically. It's where an order of knights exist and they root out and imprison evil wizards and such. My contacts within Karsari.

Have learned that the cause of this death curse. Which is preventing my husband from being resurrected. Is a necromantic artifact. Known as the soulmonger. According to their sources. The soulmonger exists somewhere in Chult. She gestures to the map behind her of the big map of Chult with Port Nyanzaru marked at its northernmost point. place called Chult. It strikes you as very odd. If the map comparison is right, and it just could not be, to be honest, because the maps do not look right, but Chult looks like an island in comparison to a lot of places nearby, like maybe even the continent you're on. It seems highly

unlikely that there is a continent that you've never heard of. You maybe think to ask as a question. Sorry, is Cholt its only name? Are there other names this seeming continent goes by? I've never heard of it. Some fell magic has brought Cholt and the Soulmonger to our world. Scholars that I have contracted went immediately when I learnt from Karsari of this place, they went to work immediately and they have told me that some awful magic that happened

about Fairburn Point before you arrived, tore a hole within the dimensions and dragged Chult into our world. It is not this island and the soulmonger and all the creatures on it are not of our world and they do not belong here. I think the thing that got my dad went off this world.

Oh, no. Have I heard of Chult? You maybe get a little bit nervous when she starts talking about how monstrosities have fallen into our world. Seeing as how you're pretty sure you're from wherever Chult came from. Am I really? Yeah, you're looking at the maps and you're like, it makes sense now. Two worlds have connected and I am from the other world.

Oh, fuck me. Your Majesty, ladyship, sorry. I have sent several. I know a ladyship, sorry. I have sent several. I know a little bit about Chult. What are each of your insight checks? Oh, yeah. You're both amazing at insight.

Yeah, I picked insight as one of my things. So did I. Oh, we did. Unfortunately, Pop, you rolled very poorly. But Tiffany. Hey, wait. you rolled very poorly. But Tiffany. Hey, wait. Can I re-roll it? Is that a skill check? Yes.

I've got. Maybe I want to save those for, like, an actual important point. Hey, you'll do good role playing later. You'll get more of those. You're right. Can I re-roll? Yeah, sure. Chuck the good boy card back in the deck.

Oh, you rolled poorer. Can I roll? I'm kidding. Spend them both. How funny. Tiffany, when she says, I've sent several, and then she stopped herself, you can tell that she just stopped herself shy of saying something that she clearly didn't want to mention to you. I know a little bit about Chult now.

I know it's a peninsula of some sort, ringed with enormous mountains and choked with rainforests. Enormous reptiles, savage goblins, and an army of undead prowl its jungles and ruins. Mapping the place has always been a nigh-impossible thing, apparently, and nothing is known about the region's current geography beyond a few miles from the coast. I've been working with anything I can find. Scraps of sea charts, logbooks, and explorers' journals. I've assembled everything known about the current state of Chult into one map. I'll provide it for you if you undertake my mission. I know, Tiffany, that you need coin to save your father.

Yes, that's true. I need the soulmonger destroyed to save my husband. I will give you the coin if you give me my husband. Of course, I really think I want him back. Not nearly as much as you do, but very much. When you're ready to depart, I will teleport us to Port Nyanzaru,

the only major settlement in Chult. I've been there several times before on exploratory missions, so there's little chance of mishap. Once there, I'll stay with a friend named Wakanga. He's one of seven merchant princes who rule the city. Do you accept? And now, a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&Ds for Nerds is great, but if you've ever wished that they'd just be honest with how sad they truly are,

then good news! Our podcast, Why Am I that they'd just be honest with how sad they truly are, then good news. Our podcast, Why Am I Sad, might just be what you need. Join Cass, Samet, Ruby, and comedian George DeMorellis as they try and figure out why they're sad and give the best advice people with zero professional training can give. Go to sandspantsradio.com, search Why Am I Sad, and remember to always take care of yourself. So let me get this straight. You want us to explore a spooky island that I'm definitely not from to find.

Should I roll deception for you there? Yes. I guess he's not great at deception. Yeah, me. Me. Well, enough to fool her. She's not paying attention. Unfortunately, Tiffany has amazing insight, as we established before.

Tiffany, when he says that, you can tell that you're pretty sure he just lied for some reason. Well, not for some reason. It's quite obvious why he lied. And finally, am I... Does Pop know what the soul... Soulmonger? Is he familiar with the artifact soulmonger? It might be.

I'll give you a roll because of your archaeology knowledge. What is it? Old history or something? It's a thing I have. Is it old history? No, no, no. Not old history. But that is a fun thing if you're into that.

Can you call it archaeology? Arche... Can we call it that Adam absolutely not well bad luck I'd like to do an archaeology check well it's not actually a check so fuck you don't have

like a old history I'm I rolled I know what I needed to look at okay history oh wait no you do oh yeah no I was rolling arcana history was probably a better fit, actually. I have a little P next to history.

Is that a good thing? That means that you get double your proficiency bonus, I believe. Yeah, cool, cool, cool. So, you're pretty good at history. I am. Surprisingly. Shockingly. I'm also good at herstory.

I don't discriminate. I love that because you just don't like people, but you're like, they're all trash. Yeah, everyone's garbage. Don't be racist. Everyone's shit. That's why my favorite enemies are all humanoid racists. Do you know what's interesting? You're not one of the racists that I hate.

I know. I hate dragonborns, elves, dwarves, and humans. Oh, my. You know a little bit about the soulmonger. You've heard of it, the artifact, before. It's some sort of machine or device. You're not sure exactly how it works. You only know its effects.

Typically, when someone dies, their soul is transported to another plane of existence, depending on where they died and what gods they believed in or followed or worshipped. The soulmonger is, if it is to be believed, powerful enough that any soul on the material plane that dies or travels to the afterlife, it snatches. And if that's true, then it means that everyone, everyone who is dying is being trapped in the soulmonger. And it grabs these souls and collects them and uses them as energy. But for what, you don't know. You only know that every day the soulmonger has a soul, there is a chance that it will consume the soul. And once the soul has been consumed, they're gone forever.

Not even a god can bring someone back at that point. Right. So you want us to go onto this place that I have established I am not from and take this artifact, destroy it or bring it back to you? I wish you to destroy it. Right, right, right. Will that free your husband? So my scholars tell me.

Okay. You, Pop, know that if his soul has already been consumed, destroying the soulmonger won't bring him back. It'll save everyone else. I'm not going to tell her that, though. Oh, look, clever. I'm not even going to lie about it. I'm just going to keep mum on that one. Just nothing.

Well, I've already come here, so I guess that's... I've said yes, haven't I? Good. That's very good. Please help. I'd really like some company. I wouldn't. Sending Tiffany on her own for this.

Funny. If I was like, nah, fuck it. I'm not going. It sounds fucking weird. And then just stealthily follow you. Stealthily helping her in the background can i ask lady where you hesitated before you said you'd sent several you started saying something and then you stopped what was that you can tell me it's okay uh she shakes her head slowly and says it is It's nothing to concern yourself with

Please, it might help You've already rolled If you have something to modify or re-roll Like a luck check A luck point or something Could I intimidate Lady Ware into telling us what she was not going to say? You could certainly try Now hold up, hold up

Because I missed the first check, didn't I? Yeah, you didn't notice that she... But now it's been raised. Yeah, the point has been raised. Hang on. Horn girl, hold up. Are you saying, and this is intimidatory, which I have a... I'm an intimidating fella.

I'd say you just do it in an intimidating manner, yeah? Are you saying that there are details of this highly dangerous Quest you are keeping from us I don't know about you But I like to know things Before I get in them You place

So the little hand pile Is broken up But her hand is still there No Tiffany's hand is still up okay but her hand is still there maybe tiffany actually no way no tiffany's hand is still on top of her hand but the tail and the second hand have been withdrawn you brush tiffany's hands aside and come in like caring with both of your hands yeah but then when you grab her hand you start fucking crushing it oh and you have claws as well you You get a claw attack. She winces in pain and says, I... Keeping her demeanor as best as she can, but she's doing a very poor job of it.

She says, I... You weren't... You were not the first adventurers I have contracted. She tears her hand out of your grasp. There it is. What a surprise. Can I come in in good copper? I'm so sorry.

We don't know him. No, you can tell me. We'll... I'll make sure it doesn't... It looks like you did just, like, give the information. I think now that I know all the details, I can, uh, say yes, my lady. Alright, then. I try for a smile,

and miss by a mile. It rhymes, so it's right. Is that a good house rule if we say something in a rhyme? No. No. He's smiling because he's already upset. So, are you both ready? As I'll ever be.

Let's get Unky Dick back. She reaches out with two hands to both of you. Oh, here we go. The butler unfurls a scroll in front of her, and she reads a magical incantation out aloud. When she finishes, a bright white light flashes in the center of your little half circle that blinds you both temporarily. As you're blinded, you feel very light and then very heavy, but then very light again. And finally, you realize your feet weren't touching anything.

Your feet hit the ground with like a whooshing sound. And you're standing in a busy marketplace fuck me oh gosh i think that was wholly unpleasant and i do not want to do that again i think now it's just going to be i'm just going to make a point of explaining to you guys i'm going to be playing with some alternate rules to what we typically tend to play with just because now that you guys are in Port Nyanzaru, the gloves are off. And it is you two versus me. Oh. We joke, we kid around, we're talking about having fun. I'm going to try and kill you both today.

If I can get it done ASAP, that'll be great for me. So. What? Well, I came into this game thinking it would be a fun time with some people i know fuck all right then uh to be serious for a second i we are there are some variant rules for this adventure that i will be using and they are going to make it a lot harder for you but i'm confident that you two will be fine i actually am a bit you're supposed to start at level one you're both level six so you're sure to get my good boy card you're both level 6 Should have kept my good boy card

You'll probably be fine So, first rule is called Meat Grinder So when you get to 0 hit points, what happens typically Is that you start making death saving throws And on a 10 and above You get a successful one, on a 9 and below

You get a failed one Typically, this gives you kind of like an even-ish rolls, but with a slight advantage towards you coming back. Now, you need to roll 15 and above to get a successful one. 14 and below is a failed one. So now you are more likely to die than live when you are drunk. That's certainly a rule. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

What are my spells again? Next rule is I'm using the optional madness rules. So we will see some very heady shit happening. You can become temporarily or permanently insane. Oh. Oh. Oh. This is going to be a fun game.

Yeah. I picked a cranky old turtle man to play. If I hadn't known this, I would have probably still picked a cranky old turtle man. I'm not going to lie. Yeah. I'm just trying to find my dad. Also, it's because of the soulmonger that we're using the meat grinder rules, and Chult just causes madness, so that's why I'm using the madness rules.

But also because of the soul grinder, it's harder to stay alive, and because of that, as opposed to the regular fifth ed healing, we're going to be using a more slower version of healing, where on a long rest, instead of getting all of your hit points points back you roll and see how many hit points you get back oh no so it's going to be a lot harder for you to maintain a full hit point pool i have so many hit points once again that's because of the soulmonger it's just slowly churning living creatures into energy if you destroy the soulmonger everything will go back to normal there though and one final rule is i'm using a massive damage table where if you guys

take a lot of damage or reduced to zero hit points i will sometimes give you permanent effects you might lose an eye good thing i I've got backup eye if you need it. Oh no. Dad will hate me more. But on the bright side, I might do that instead of killing you. Instead of killing you, I might just be like, you lose

your eyes. What do you know? You made us upset enough about this game that taking a limb was a good option. That was amazing, Adam. Well done. It's better than death. I think in any universe, losing an arm is better than death. Yeah, but you've managed to word that in a way where you were like,

I might take an arm. We're like, oh! Okay. Okay. That's not so bad then. It's like having a holiday. From arms. So anyway, forever.

Oh my god, you won't have to do handshakes anymore. Nah, never. All of my hugs will be awkward year nine girl hugs because I'll just have stumps. Side hugs. Like every year nine girl? What? Awkward year nine girl hug where your arms don't go all the way around. I think that's just you, mate.

Ooh. You mean unpopular year nine Tomahawk? Get a fucking good boy card. That was amazing. I saw that man's heart break. Yeah, gotcha. Gonna have fun playing this game. All of your blows are in-game and mine cannot be.

Basically what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to outsource my cruelty just to make my job easier, you know? Yeah. I gotta do a lot of cruelty. That's fair. You're blowing up. You're getting too big. What I'm gonna do is I've got so this map I've got here

this big old map has you can't look underneath because that's the full version of the map. I'm giving you the limited version, which is just what Lady Ware knows. Okay. Okay. And I've got, in case I need to take the big map back, I've got a small version of the map for you. Oh.

Where are we? You're Port Nyanzaru, which is basically the northernmost settlement. Oh, yeah, cool, cool. Ooh, this smells like a good book. There is a place here called Sky Lizard Mountains. Someone doesn't know what a fucking dragon is. That's a great line. That's very funny.

So, as I said before, you appear in a tropical city under the blazing sun. The familiar sounds of a harbor, creaking ropes, slapping waves, heavy barrels rolling across cobblestones, mingle with voices shouting and cursing in an unfamiliar language filled with clicks, inhalations, and sing-songy words that make it sound almost musical. inhalations and sing-songy words that make it sound almost musical the aroma of unfamiliar spices and tropical fruit mixes with the wharf side smells of fish tar and canvas i say unfamiliar but pop you actually maybe are a little bit familiar with this stuff yeah beyond all that port nyanzaru is an explosion of Buildings are painted in bright shades of blue, green, orange, and salmon pink, or their walls are adorned with murals portraying giant reptiles and mythical heroes. Every building sports baskets and clay urns of colorful flowers or draped in

leafy flowering vines. Minstrels in bright clothing adorned with feathers and shells Any of those fuckers come anywhere near me, I'm going to punch one. If they come near me, I'd be so happy. Multicolored pendants. That's so opposite, it's great. I thought you were about to say sad, but also also that but you're sad yeah i know you're both sad oh what a pairing you make i just hide it better you're sad i didn't say that that was that was in my head okay i went in my shell had a conversation with myself pop you poke your head back outside of your shell just in time to see multicolored pennants and sun

awnings fluttering atop city walls a crowd of children dressed in feather hats and capes races past you squealing in delighted terror as a street performer costumed as a big-toothed lizard, stomps and roars behind them. The whole city seems to be bustling, sweating, laughing, swearing, and singing. I fucking hate all of it. It seems so alive. I wish it were dead. You don't like being home? What?

Give a very knowing look. I don't understand the question. Do you say that within earshot of Lady Where? Oh, no, no, no, no. All right. She was maybe a little bit preoccupied, like dusting herself off or something. She had a rough trip. You what, mate?

Jet lagged. I do what, mate? Pardon? Yes, well, I fucking thought. Welcome home Rule number one, shut up You are shocked when someone bumps into you on accident Usually it's either avoiding you or bumping into you on purpose

The child turns around and says, Sorry! You're okay. You're okay. He turns around and keeps running as the minstrel in the lizard costume stalks past. Thank you. Trying to scare the children.

It's very cute. I look around. Are there any other tieflings around probably not you you notice a lot of races though you notice a bunch of turtles pop is not the only turtle here by a long shot this is the most diverse crowd you've ever seen because i like turtles i tip my hat to any turtles that walk past if they have a hat they tip it back no other races um but yeah you see there are humans here but there's also dwarves elves tabaxi a race that you have only recently started hearing about cat people tabaxia and uh you see a lot of them darting about they

look like they're having a swell time every single one of them oh that's nice when you tip your hat to everyone i say so no one can hear but you cousins i'm gonna have to make rule 1b Fuck off I smile big You're stuck with me Chipping away I'll get through your crunchy shell No please don't I'm really soft on the inside and I would die I forgot you're a literal turtle

I'm a turtle in no clothes but a hat and several belts. With a glass eye. It's not glass, though. It's a real eye. Yeah. It's preserved. As Lady Ware is leading you through the crowd, she maybe points out a couple places.

She points out two taverns, first off. The Thundering Lizard. Places that you can stay, specifically. The Thundering Lizard, if you're looking for a good time. Or Kea's House of Repose, if you want an actual good night's sleep. Outside. I brought my house with me. She indicates that you're in a northeastern section of the city and that you are making your way slowly south.

Both the taverns that she points out are in the southern end of the city. So quite far from where the docks and where you started. But they're definitely like large destination places that are easy to find and such. She says, well, she doesn't tell you much else. She doesn't know a lot about the city. You do notice several things. You notice that there are- Do I know bits about the city?

Actually, yeah, you would know a couple things as well. You're from here, after all. I'll tell you some things you notice, and I'll tell you some things you know. Great. I don't share them with you. You notice that medium and large dinosaurs are used as beasts of burden, and they're very common in the city streets. You do not see a cow.

You don't see a horse. You don't see dogs of any description. All dinosaurs. They eat them? Beasts of burden. They ride them. But they would also be used in equivalents of dogs and probably cows as well, if they could. I don't know. Is there any dinosaur you can milk?

A protoceratops. Maybe. If there's a dinosaur you can milk, I'm not going to Google it because I don't need that in my Google search history. But if there's a dinosaur you can milk, they have that. Otherwise they might have like...

Woolly mammoths? They might have goats. Woolly mammoth. It's tropical. Otherwise, they might have, like, um... Woolly mammoths? They might have goats. Oh. Woolly mammoth. It's tropical. But it looks milkable. The shape of it. Well, like, prehistoric goat or prehistoric cow.

Prehistoric goat. Prote. Prote. But, yeah, like, little, um... What are they called? The raptor that's really small. Velociraptor? No.

Microraptor? Yeah, there's, like, a raptor that's really tiny. Like,iraptor? No. Microraptor? Yeah, there's like a raptor that's really tiny. Like the little ones that eat that girl in... Compus Ignatius. Yeah, the really tiny ones, they're used as like cats or dogs. You see them on leads being walked around. You... Adam, are we in Dynatopia?

Maybe. Pop, you know that there are dinosaur races that happen. It's like a big thing in the city. Anyone who is anyone gets involved in the races somehow. Whether just watching them or betting or stuff like that, there is so much to do with the dinosaur racing. It is the thing, the entertainment in Port Nyanzaru. You notice that on the city walls, the defensive walls all around the city, there are large, colorful awnings to give the city watch something to stand under so that they're not in the heat all day.

Actually, sorry, going back to dinosaurs briefly, that actually wouldn't have been too shocking for either of you. Because, well, you, Pop, are just familiar with Port Nyanzaru. But, Tiffany, you've lived quite close to halflings your entire life. Like, Kandor isn't very close, but it's somewhat close. And halflings basically do the same thing. So this wouldn't be too unusual. But this extent is definitely a bit strange or a bit of a novelty.

So when you say they do the same thing, do you mean halflings keep dinosaurs in the same way? Yeah, they keep them as beasts of burden, as pets, all sorts of things. They're too big. That's fucking hilarious. It's not uncommon for like a Diplodocus to contain a house for a halfling. Oh my goodness.

To have it on its back, I should say. Halflings tend to move in big caravans and they use dinosaurs as their beasts of burden. Oh my god. I love that. Or in big caravanning groups. You notice the rain gutters here are very big and very deep. Two feet deep. Or two feet wide.

And maybe about as deep. They're very big. Pop, you know that's because a monsoon could happen in a minute. A minute from now, a monsoon could hit just like that. And the people of Port Nyanzaru tend to not give a shit unless it's actually a monsoon. You're not fair. That's why I can hold my breath for one hour.

Oh, I can't at all. Every time I breathe, it's at risk if you uh if you're drinking for too long you i guess what is drowning if not drinking for too long if i have a really long work up to a sneeze i nearly die so you get to maybe the right now lady wear informs you that you are in the harbor ward slowly making your way south and that's just the the city is divided into districts that are walled off from each other it's half security thing half just as the city grew they had to keep making the outer wall further and further away. You can tell that as well.

Like the wall here in the harbour ward is one of the oldest walls. And you can see that it is shorter, it is thinner, and it is quite obviously more crumbled and covered in vines than some of the walls that you can see further on. But yeah, she says that she needs to head south. You will ultimately probably end up heading south as well if you want to find a tavern. She's meeting Wakanga and she says she could give you an introduction to him if you want. Do I know who he is? Wakanga Otamu deals in magic and lore. He's the only arcane spellcaster among the merchant princes.

You know, he's a good man, typically. Maybe someone after your own heart, in fact. He's a lot more sociable than you will ever be. But you hear the public talks about how rich he is and his magical prowess and stuff like that. But you hear sometimes in back rooms, you've heard at least, stories about his altruism. Altruism? I think I said altruism. Ouch his altruism altruism i think i said altruism altruism it's when you give so much you hurt yeah but you've heard you've heard of him secretly as

like a sympathetic sort of character he keeps monopolies on a lot of magical items or magical trades that's how he makes most of his money He just has a monopoly on magic or certain types of magic in the city. Cool, cool. I'd really like to meet him. Do you want to go? Yeah. All right. I mean, if someone could help.

I mean, Unky Dick came on our journey to help us. I think it's, you know, it's what he would have wanted. I don't know what that looks for, Tom. I don't know either. Just impending doom. Yeah, I just feel like we're going to die. We're going to die. We might kill each other.

We need to make friends. No, I don't think I'd kill you. No. Well, we wouldn't kill each other, but we might be the death of each other. Sounds like a great sitcom. The turtle and the teethling, they can't get along, but they have to.

Tortle and the teethling, where's this island from? It's his hometown. That's a secret. Stop saying that. Rule number one. Shut up, shut up. Rule number two.

No sacrificing. Will the party's rules be enough to keep them safe? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Chult. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at Sands Pants Radio, then why not subscribe to SantsPantsPlus.com. For as little as $5 a month, you can have access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and

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