D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #10 A Friend in Need

Episode Date: September 21, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio. 100% real pork-flavoured cheese slices. Adam. The trap bows to you. It's Maker. I take the jug. You get it. We leave the shrine. All right. As you leave, you wake up. Damn it. This ceramic jug appears to be able to hold a gallon of liquid and weighs 12 pounds, whether full or empty. Sloshing sounds can be heard within the jug if it is shaken, even if the jug is empty.

I pull the jug out. Uh-huh. Because I feel bad a little bit. But only a little bit. Uh-huh. Horns. Yeah. See this jug is empty. I pull the jug out. Uh-huh. Because I feel bad a little bit. But only a little bit. Uh-huh. Horns. Yeah? See this jug?

Yeah? This jug is my leather. Here's the play. Uh-huh. We get close, but not close enough that no one can get in the fucking boat unless we say so. Alright? Okay. Because yes, they look like they're in distress.

But I've been in a lot of jungles and where people look like they're in distress, sometimes they are and sometimes they will fucking kill you. I was like, we're not fucking going anywhere near them. She's not poisoned by anything. She's just trying to rocket ahead to see what happens. At the side of the river, you face off against three sea hags. Flask of Wine goes first. Flask of Wine passed all of his saving throws.

So he can willingly move forward. Instead, though, he chooses just with his short bow to start plinking at them he fires his first attack hits his second hits as well he deals a total of 10 points of damage to one of the sea hags to we'll say daniella oh adam named a sea hag after you cast yep gotcha the one who was crying yep you just sound like you're trying to take as much We'll say Daniela. Adam named a sea hag after you, Cass. Yep. Gotcha. The one who was crying. Yep. You just sound like you're trying to take as much insult as you physically can from this.

You know what? I get a bad boy card. What? Feels like you're just making the rules up as you go along, Adam. It's almost as if I can do that. Tiffany, it's your turn. I would like to fire off the witch bolt I have. Who do you want to target?

Barched, the Wanderer, daniella or cascas money dollar bills barched the wanderer cascas oh that's unfortunate for barched for you oh no it's magic i know what happens when it's magic you could turn into a potato or age 400 years. Oh, if only. Oh, no. Adam's face. Adam's face. Oh, no. Amazing.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Freaky. You and the target must each make a DC 12 charisma saving throw. If both of you fail, your minds are switched for a D4 rounds. What the fuck? The Seahawk fails. Tiffany, you fail.

For how long? I'm about to find out. Who did you do it again? Barchet or? Barchet, yeah. Barchet, all right. The one who everyone would assumedly go for first. Not casting. Four rounds.

For four rounds. So, Tiffany, when you cast the the lightning you reach forward with your fingers and you throw energy through the weave of magic that exists throughout the world when you do that you feel each of the each of the 10 uh strings in the weave of magic that are attached to your fingers you feel each of them snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap they flip off you strike barched and then ricochet back onto you you feel a charged energy surging through you you your vision goes black and when it returns you're looking at yourself oh my god i realize I realise what's happened, yeah? Well, yeah, it's hard not to know.

Am I able to have a look at the stats for... Can I feel what I can do and what's good? I could send you maybe the details. Alright, it's the hag's turn. As me. No, no, you still have your own turn. No, no, Barchet has teeth in his body. Yeah. Yeah.

Does Barchet just throw herself in the water and hold her breath? She doesn't know she's going back. Oh, right. Do I know I'm going back? You wouldn't either. You're not 100% sure what's going to happen. Oh, right. Do I know I'm going back? You wouldn't either. You're not 100% sure what's going to happen. Oh, no. You need to make a check on your turn to determine that.

I'm scared. I'm a big scared boy. Pop, Tiffany turns to look at you. What the fuck? Horns, you ready to go? She launches at you with her rapier. What the fuck? Horns, you ready to go? She launches at you with her rapier. What the fuck? Horns! Oh, I'm not scared of a sea hag

in your body. Oh, it gets advantage on this. Tiffany skewers you with a rapier. Fucking hell, Horns! You take 16 points of damage pop do I know if something is wrong or am I just like

nah this is just I just assumed Tiffany had started stabbing me I get a bad boy card and you don't know what's wrong you think Tiffany has turned on you you're not sure why oh boy they always turn on you in the're not sure why. Oh, boy. Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.

They always turn on you in the end, don't they? As she, as Tiffany stabs you, a bolt of green flame energy jumps to you, off you, and strikes a flask of wine. Flask of wine takes four points of damage and

cries out in pain. You're quite strong, Tiffany. Then the other sea hags go. Oh, my fucking God. What can sea hags do? Cass? Death glare. Yeah, but only on frightened things. And sea hags, I'm guessing you're not scared of sea hags.

You could use your horrific appearance on them now. Okay. Oh, no. I could get death glared. Do I die? Well, yeah. One of them tries to death glare you. Fails. The other one tries to death glare. One of them tries to death glare you. Fails.

The other one tries to death glare. Who's the other one? Ardis. Ardis. 20. Passes. All right. That was the hag's turn.

Pop, it's your turn. Tiffany's turned on you. Yeah, I know. I smash her in the head with my hammer. You can attack four times. I attack her four times with my hammer. You've just got to get me down and then I'm not a threat anymore.

You don't have to kill me, but you've just got to... I don't have to kill you. You just stab me in the fucking chest. Horns, what the fuck are you playing at? Maybe, no, you're right. I'm not trying to kill you. I'm just trying to knock you the fuck out because this is weird as shit. I don't know what's going on, but I

don't believe you've actively tried. I have no idea what's going on, but I'm not going to kill you. Adam, I don't want to kill her. I know, but the dice. I'm just letting you know one of the hits was a critical hit. Oh, shit.

This is... Imagine if you kill me. Shinbash. Maximum damage and roll the damage dice again. What happens, Adam? That means you eliminate me real fast. Yeah. Do you know what's fucked up?

You're watching me beat the ever-loving shit out of you while yelling, Horns, what the fuck are you playing at? Tiffany, you watch as your own body turns around and using your own magic stabs into Pop, launching through with green flame blade from Pop to a flask of wine, who both cry out. Pop yells out, What the fuck are you playing at, horns? Then with hammer and sickle, slashes at your chest, hammers at your hand.

You hear a crack as your arm breaks and your, what do you call the forearm bone? You know the two? Yeah, yeah, yeah the, yep the alma and the radius yeah, the alma and radius I have no idea but that sounds good one of the two bones there breaks

completely and you can see it poking out through your skin then hooks on the, oh, extra damage from the dread ambush thing extra six points of damage oh cast i can see your hip hoids and then he hooks underneath your own guard dragging you forwards to smack you in the chin you see your own jaw shatter in maybe four places. Then, finally, letting go of you, one final slash with the sickle. Your body looks

fucked up. Can I move her out of the way after I've done all this? She's still standing. She's in great pain, but she doesn't care about this body. What the fuck are you doing, horns? It's Dragonbait and Artus' turn.

No. What the fuck are you doing, Horns? It's Dragonbait and Artus' turn. Artus draws a dagger and starts slashing at Tiffany. He connects solidly only once, though, dealing a total of nine points of damage. Cass, you're so fucked. Dragon bait launches out of the ship and charges towards... Barchad the Wanderer. Oh, that's actually you. That's crazy that I'm dying twice.

Barchet the Wanderer. Dragon bait slashes at you twice. Oh, wait. Damn, he can't do that. Slashes at you twice with his magical sword, when you feel it striking you, you can tell that its magic is radiating out of it and into you. You will take... Hey, so I've got a card.

29 points of damage. In situations such as these, if I've got a card that is something like, for example, force an attacker to re-roll an attack against you. Yeah, that would be helpful. Can I use that for Tiffany's body? What? Like, if it starts to get to the point where Tiffany's body is dying, can I use this card

to save the attacker's roll against me, Tiffany's body, and not me? No, it's against you, not Tiffany. Oh, no. Sorry. Sick's body, and not me. No, it's against you, not Tiffany. Oh, no. Sorry. Sick. Sick, sick, sick. Flask of Wine's turn. Flask of Wine keeps plugging away at Daniela.

Good boy, Flask. He strikes twice. Flask's the only one doing the right thing. Oh, my gosh. He deals 12 points of damage then it is tiffany's turn the real tiffany see i'm at a point where if i tell you to stop it's not gonna stop tiffany's body attacking you so it'll just get you guys more damage if at least if you put me out it's fine it might stop people attacking me but then all the other sea hags will know um can i run over to um

cascas money dollar bills yeah and try and do the horrific appearance or death oh you just do that inherently that's not an action so actually they will both need to make saving throws yeah um Saving throws. Yep. They both pass, unfortunately. Okay, well, in that case, can I run out to cast cast money? Yeah. And just try and claw a throat out or something? Sure. I've got claws. Fuck yeah.

In a dog face. You slash at her and you hit. You see one of the sea hags attacking one of the other sea hags. What the actual fuck? It brings it down and starts slashing at it. You deal nine points of damage in total to Cas-Cas. Yeah. The sea hags are trying to kill each other.

And Tiffany is trying to kill you. What a beautiful- Have I worked anything out from watching this, Adam? Oh, ask me again on your turn. Okay, okay. It's the hags' turn. Cas-Cas fights you back. Oh, wait. again on your turn. Okay, okay. It's the hag's turn. Cass Cass fights you back. Oh, wait, she only rolls once.

What are you doing, sister? I love that I'm my character and another character's body fighting me. What a beautiful moment. I'm happy. I'm very happy. I feel like I'm sitting in a pool. This is very insane. Yeah.

Oh, no. Oh, i know but oh yes for who oh no that's pretty easy all right so uh one of uh daniella charges out and slashes at uh dragon bait as she does so daniella turns around to you, Tiffany, and says, Don't worry, sister, we've got this. Wait, what? Looking at you, tangling with Cass-Cass. Can I respond on this turn? Not on this turn. Oh, you can if you want. Her mind has been swapped with the other.

And I point at my body. All right. I want to bluff check and say that she's been swapped with Tiffany. You initiated the attack, but you get a good boy card. You rolled a 20, but unfortunately that's not an automatic success. But couldn't I have... Okay. So did it work?

No, it didn't. Because she initiated the attack. It's a very difficult lie. You rolled a 20, but she also rolled very high. And a 20 just isn't an automatic success. You still get a good boy card out of it, though. She doesn't believe your bluff. She knows that something's up.

She'll need her turn to work it out. Anyway, she attacks Dragon Bait. But Dragon Bait starts backing up, deflecting her attacks with his giant sword. But Dragon Bait starts backing up, deflecting her attacks with his giant sword. The other hag attempts to attack you, Tiffany, but can't grab you. She's just so shocked by your assault. And then you hear her mutter underneath you. While you start talking, you hear her saying underneath you, No, I'm not.

That's exactly what she would say. No one's believing you. What's taking his body dude except maybe dragon bait who does believe you dragon bait's now going to protect uh cascas

oh no oh my god pop you fall for it as well no Oh my god Pop You fall for it as well No Right You're fucking that So does artist

Oh my god No Oh my god No Because you're in his flask Roll the 20 cast You tricked everyone except the people you needed to trick No

And because I've just been attacked by Tiffany it makes sense It does You tricked everyone except the people you needed to trick. And because I've just been attacked by Tiffany, it makes sense. It does. Tiffany attacks you. She misses just barely. You manage with your sickle to wrap it around her arm, her broken arm holding the rapier, and you deflect her blow. Tiffany has swapped minds with Cass Cass. You must protect Cass Cass.

Pop, it's your turn. I knock Tiffany out. Tiffany's body out. I knock her out. I know what's going on. They swapped brains somehow. Artist nods. I know.

Horsing that one. one i'm gonna knock this one out your first attack oh yeah you can opt to do non-lethal damage yeah your first attack is a hit you knock tiffany out tiffany's unconscious can i move her somewhere so she's safe move tiffany somewhere this body yeah yeah. She collapses into the boat. That's the best you got, unfortunately. That's all right. Katara? You can't-

Oh, no, because you've started an attack. So, you used your first attack. You've still got two more attacks. If you want, you can hop out and try to attack Barchet. Barchet or Daniela. Yeah. They've both been wounded. Who's been wounded more?

They both look about the same. It's hard to tell. Who's closer? Daniela would be closer. They've both been wounded. Who's been wounded more? They both look about the same. It's hard to tell. Who's closer? Daniella would be closer. I'll attack Daniella. All right. You hop out and you spend your last two attacks on Daniella. Oh, God.

Crit-heavy game. You get a crit and you get a regular hit, 19, and you get a 20. So, the regular hit will be five damage to Daniella. And then the critical hit... Oh, what's your main weapon? Is it the sickle or the five damage to Daniela. And then the critical hit. Oh, what's your main weapon? Is it the sickle or the hammer? Six of one. I've used the hammer to knock her out.

So I think I'm up to the sickle and then I'll go back to the hammer again. Oh, what's in your main hand is what I'm saying. Your opening blow would be with the sickle? Yeah, the opening blow would be with the sickle. So the final blow is also with the sickle. Sliced tendon. Triple damage and the target speed is reduced by five feet until the end of the target's next turn so your final attack deals uh five tripled 15 points of damage oh boy how fucked was daniella daniella looks pretty bad uh she's still standing but you

can tell that you've got her on the ropes you You've started pressing her back. You were, when you hopped out of the boat, you were like knee deep in water. And as you've on, as you attacked her, your onslaught has started pushing her back. She's been five foot step, five foot, little step, little step, little step back. And you've been little step, little step, little step forward. You've pushed her off dragon bait so that now dragon bait has some breathing room and you you pushed her back onto the sand proper. You've got her on the ropes. It looks like you're going to win this fight. Fuck yes, it is.

You pushed her back. But actually, sorry, because you can't move forward. You've done it from the boat. Because you're frightened. So you pushed her back, but you're still in the boat. Fair enough. All right. With Tiffany's body.

Yes. You're standing, maybe protectively standing over Tiffany's body. 100% I am. You've got Tiffany protected. No one can touch her without going through you. And you've pushed the other hag, Danielle, off Dragon Bait. Great. All right.

Then it is... That was Pop. Dragon Bait and Artis' turn. Dragon Bait turns back to you, Pop, and you smell... You smell honeysuckle. Ooh, that's not bad. That smells nice. Then he moves forward and tries to finish off Danielle.

His first attack will be a miss. His second attack will be a miss. His second attack will be a hit. He strikes and deals 14 points of damage. Daniela goes down. Fuck yes. That's good, except that. Artus draws his longbow. Don't worry.

I've got your back, Tiffany. Two arrows hit you in your back, Tiffany. Two arrows hit you in the back, Tiffany. Oh, that's such a good gag. One of them's a critical hit. Are you about to die? It's a fucking crit-heavy game.

We're really good at them, that's why. The first arrow deals oh gosh, nine points of damage to you. I might actually get him to re-roll his attack against me. All right. Oh, you want him to re-roll the critical hit is what you want him to do. Yes.

Second attack is a miss. It was going to be not my face. You receive a permanent skull. Oh, it's very funny It transferred over Not my body It transferred over And you were like

Wait how did I get this scar Oh my god You're gonna be so fucking Fucked up When you get your body back Yeah You're fucked I

I Oh Pop's gonna be a volcano Of confused feelings Flask of wine's turn No Flask of wine Plugs. Flask of wine plugs Barchad the Wanderer twice.

Oh no. One attack is a hit. You'll take four points of damage, but the other one's a critical miss. Cop that. But it's bad. Everything about this fight is bad. Your stance is off. Make a DC 16 wisdom saving throw on a failed

save. Take a d6 penalty to your next ranged attack roll no he passes flask of wine leaps and then sticks out both of his legs and sticks himself to either side of the boat draws fires draws fires but on that second one the boat rocks a little bit from shifting his weight. And you hear, oh, dear. This is not good. But he seems fine otherwise. Tiffany, it's your turn.

I would like to. Danielle, Cas-Cas looks fine. You do not. Okay. So what I want to do is I want to cry out in pain, roll over, flip Cas-Cas on top of me and start going, help, help! So it looks like Cas is beating me. So, but also acts as a sea hag shield.

How possible is that? Not at all. Unfortunately. Your friends are two good fighters. Do you want, you can't use Cas-Cas as a shield, unfortunately. Neither of you are really thick enough or big enough to be using each other as shields. They'll just wait for an opening in the attack. Because Cas-Cas isn't going to take that lying down.

She's moving and rolling as well. And so they'll wait for Cas to be out of the way to shoot at you. So it's just me and Cas-Cas left. Yes. And we think you're Cas-Cas. Uh-huh. I'm going to keep slashing at Cas-Cas, but, like, keep attacking, but as I do,

start screaming out. Um, um, I lied! I tried! I lied! I tricked you! Please, I have to find my dad! I have to revive him! I'll tell. Please, I have to find my dad. I have to revive him. I'll tell you anything that I know.

It's me. You can make whatever you want of that. It is something that Tiffany definitely does know. I need to bring him back so he can be proud of me. The leatherworking was never enough. I start pretty much reciting any sad story I have ever told Pop. Oh, my God. Whenever any moment where you've been like,

stop telling me your personal details, I recite anything I can remember. Under the assumption that I was, I'm kidding. I'm not that much of an asshole. Tiffany receives one failed saving throw. You mean the body. Yeah. Isn't she just unconscious? Oh, no, that's right. You didn't just knock her T.V.'s body. Yeah. Isn't she just unconscious?

Oh, no, that's right. You didn't just knock her unconscious. Sorry, I forgot. Yes, correct. She's just unconscious. Good. I didn't kill my friend. Friend?

You slash down, doing seven points of damage, and Cas-Cas slashes up, trying to do damage, but can't hit you. The two hags are rolling hopelessly over each other pop you have no idea well maybe you know what's going on but you maybe feel a little bit confused you could still tell which one's which but you don't know which one's tiffany but i i'm screaming every secret i've ever told you not that they're secrets but it's up to you you actually are still frightened, so you can't move any closer. From the boat, I just yell at both sea hags. Right on the fucking eye.

Tiffany, what did I tell you last night? I'm not allowed to tell you the stories because my past is sticky. The one that's less fucked up is still a sea hag. Highs or lows, Tiffany? Highs. Dragon Bait readies himself, grips his sword tightly, and charges you down. You see he gets right up to you. Sand is kicked into your face.

You and Cas-Cas look up at him, and he swings down with his magical sword. Twice he drives the sword into cascas what a stressful fucking fight i love that the things that i that you hated me telling you has saved the day it's true he deals 17 points of damage to cascas then artist fires with his longbow he strikes twice as well i have a fucking longbow as well i could have actually like oh wow oh well we live and we learn and we try and kill our friends and we learn and they live they live artist deals 15 points of damage firing two arrows both of which strike cascas one in her shoulder the other one through the bottom because you're both lying down through the bottom of her chin and it comes it pokes out the top of her eye

that eye begins rolling chaotically you can tell that a nerve has been severed. Oh. Ick, ick, ick, ick, ick. Flask of wine's turn. Flask of wine fires twice, strikes twice. Flask of wine finishes Cas-Cas off. Is that initiative over? No.

Tiffany, it's your turn. The other two sea hags are dead? Yep. Well, Tiffany's down and Daniella's down. There's one sea hag left. Barchetta knew you were going to swap brains. We have to, but it's still going to take a while. Five.

Hang on. Do I know how... Can I use my thing to try and work out what's happening? You said I could use a turn to try and work out what's happening. You deduce that you have maybe six seconds left to do something before you and the real Barched switch minds back. Okay. Can I just say to everyone, kill me in ten seconds?

All right. What? It's the hag's turn. They're down. Pop. Has it been 10 seconds? It hasn't yet. I ready a longbow and just start counting back from 10.

Dragon Bait looks back at Artus. Artus shrugs, readies his bow as well, looking awkwardly from flask of wine to pop. And Dragon Bait turns back around to you, Tiffany. And you see him, like, ready his sword. Flask of wine. Readies up. Tiffany, you fall on... Darkness consumes you.

Phew. I mean, it's not good, but phew. Everyone opens up at the hag. Bang. The hag goes down. It's fine. Fight over. So that was a pretty basic fight.

So you're not going to get a lot of experience for this. You both get 700 experience points. We got more experience from that fight from the fucking dungeon where we kept nearly dying. Well, I guess we were better at this one. We got more experience from that fight from the fucking dungeon where we kept nearly dying. Well, I guess we were better at this one. We learned how to- No one got downed on the other one. True, true, true.

My God, that was a lot. With that, shall we say, encounter done, I would remind you that you were traveling right now at night because you wanted to get to camp uh camp vengeance uh as quickly as possible with your idea was that with your incapacitated teammate are you going to continue to push on maybe onimus just actually asks you that is the plan now to continue onwards what the fuck do you reckon? Was that a genuine question? I actually don't know. No, of course not. She's basically dead.

Okay, then. Well, yes, of course. We should expose camp here for the night. How far away is Camp Vengeance? Oi, Flask. Vengeance would... Give him a lisp. Vengeance would not be far.

No. Imagine if he... Because, you know, apparently people who speak... If you have a speech impediment, there's a thing that... A very easy way to help you through a speech impediment is to have an echo.

Yes, I'm saying the king speech. Is to have an echo. Having any sort of echo so you can hear yourself talking can help correct speech impediments. And so anyway, because he was repeating his sister, it would have been very funny to discover that he had a speech impediment because he did the repetition as a way of coping with his speech impediment. Did he have a speech impediment, Adam?

No, he did not. Anyway. That's Sloth Capone. That's all. Bless him. I couldn't love him more. I'm Sloth Capone. I'm a tabaxi.

I miss my sister. I really miss her. I have not been to Camp Vengeance before, but I would imagine that it would not be far from here. Far from here. How stable is Tiffany? Yeah, what am I doing? Tiffany is stable.

You've stabilized Tiffany, but without any healing magic, she's not going to be conscious until tomorrow. I don't know if I have any healing magic left. I feel like I might, but would it be enough to bring her back to life? Even one hit point would be enough to wake her up. All right, well, I cure wounds. I think I've got I might. But would it be enough to bring her back to life? Even one hit point would be enough to wake her up. All right.

Well, I cure wounds. I think I've got one left. I just want to, just looking at the little scratches I've made throughout the course of the day. Yeah, I've got one left. You recover. That'll be 11 hit points, Tiffany. So, you're on 11. As the kids say, you are on 11.

You're right, Horns. Yeah. Did we beat him? What the fuck happened? You turned and stabbed me in the chest. I tried to do a spell. I guess it went wrong. In the best possible way.

I was in that sea hag's body. That would have been torturously unpleasant. Yeah. possible. I was in that sea hag's body. That would have been torturously unpleasant. Yeah. And now a word from our sponsor. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that we could hear Jackson's family bumbling their way

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sanspantsradio.com and search for Bailey Family Circus. Are you up to pressing on to Camp Vengeance? Maybe. We can press on if we want. Does it look safe? Or would we just have to camp right here? Has Chult ever looked safe to you? You know what I mean.

Is it like... Wow. Hello there, Muriel. An Australian reference that even people in australia might not get i've not seen that movie yeah same so you cast your eyes about and you can't tell in the darkness how safe things really are you can see a dull red light ahead of you further down the river which at first you would assume to be maybe the setting sun but then you realize must be camp vengeance you can't be that far from it but in the dark it could be quite some while um in the dark it could be quite far if that makes sense yeah yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Camp Vengeance, were we hoping to just sleep there, or were we hoping to do other things there? I'd assume they'd have clerics, right? Because they are... You would hope so. You're not sure what state you'd find the camp in, but the Order of the Gauntlet who run it are full of clerics and paladins, so it would be not unreasonable to think that they might be able to help you.

We could all get some health because we don't get it when we sleep because Adam's a dick. Worst case scenario, it's a safe place to sleep. I think it might be best if we pushed on. Are you sure? I don't want you slowing us down is all. Oh, he loves me. He cares about my well-being.

I believe I threw you into some fire earlier. You felt so bad about that. No, I mean, if we fall asleep here, someone's going to have to be on watch anyway. What's the difference if we're walking? It's just time. Alright, us, we're pressing on. Okay then.

And one more for good luck. Speaking of good luck, you arrive at Camp Vengeance. Oh my god! That was stressful. Adam gave some choice eyebrow movements. I was waiting for you to be like, you arrive at Camp Vengeance. It's on fire. There's a dragon there. Ha ha ha ha. A dragon eats you.

Well done, guys. Campaign over. Oh, you were small. I can't imagine you're just an entree. Up. And then he eats the rest of the party. And then he spreads his wings and flies away. Belly full. Good game. I can be like,

entree? Canapé? Hors d'oeuvres flies away pats his belly and now we're gonna play as the dragon adam why do all of your games end this way because it's fun so uh you approach from, uh, along the river. You can see the many fires that are lit, well, only inside the camp, really. Through the foliage, you can see the crude timber fortifications, a walled compound with watchtowers and tents inside it, encircled by a ditch bristling with sharpened stakes. They're not fucking around. Actually, you probably can't see the flies in the dark. But you certainly see the bodies, the many corpses all around the compound. As you approach, you can see that out the front of the fortifications is like a gatehouse.

There's an obvious entrance in and out, but the giant doors are barred against intruders. What would you like to do? Quick one. Obviously, when we arrive here, these guys are going to be of a certain, you know, lifestyle. I think it would be best if we did not share the reasons that we're in this jungle. Okay. That makes sense. You understand?

Yeah, good. All right. Artists, don't fucking tell anyone while you're in the jungle while we're here. Or while we're in the jungle while we're here. That's like, you know, you would understand why I'd be requesting that. Authority figures do not tend to trust me anyway. Trust me anyway. I wasn't speaking to flask of wine, Adam.

I was speaking to artists. Get all the characters that you have to be right adam i'm working really hard playing just one hang on late let me just switch over to whatever fucking language dragon bait uses then dragon bait uh smells of um ham nervous i have that that one An artist slowly nods Yes, well, of course Alright then, keep your wits about you Be ready to leave at the drop of a hat

I hope we can stay though, I'm so tired Are you just gonna pull up along where they have their boats? We don't wanna seem like we're causing trouble Pull up on the other side then Pull up on the other side then pull up on the other side the river only touches one no no like i'm looking at the map adam there are a cluster of boats and then there are not a cluster of boats oh i see right right right all right so you just uh you dock your boats maybe drag them up a bit onto the sand so they're not going to wash away so easily

uh as you're doing that from the uh above the the doors that are the entranceway there's like a little watch area or whatever the there are two guards standing upon the walls basically they both shine bullseye lanterns at you and one of them calls out halt who goes there i'm pop mandarin and this is an archaeological expedition. Alright. I love that. Is it Adam? Yes. Is it Adam?

Yes. Is it the little bit of truth? That's a little bit of a lie. I always try and argue with Adam on this. But I have learnt what's a bluff and what isn't. Is it a bluff because I'm not telling him the whole truth? Yeah, it's a deception attempt because you're not trying to... You're basically hiding something.

You're trying to convince him of something that is not the exact truth. Yeah. Fair. What are the gods? You can't really see them, actually. You don't have any... Do you have dark vision? I do have dark vision.

Holy shit. Oh, wait, no. see them, actually. You don't have any... Do you have darkvision? I do have darkvision. I guess you can. Holy shit. Oh, wait, no. Are they human? They would both be... Oh, no, they're using torches. I was going to say, I could just be invisible to them. One of them is a dwarf and the other one's a human. You would be invisible to the dwarf, but they both have lights shining on you.

The dwarf narrows his eyes, but the human nods slowly. What sort of archaeological expedition? Who are you people? Well, I'm Pop. I believe I already said that. I'm an archaeologist. This is Tiffany. Hi.

I've just gotten hurt. We're just looking for places to stay, please. We got attacked by sea hacks. You're quite persuasive, Tiffany, but not persuasive enough. The guards slowly shake their heads. No one can come in except by direct order of

Commander Breakbone or Lieutenant Firebeard or Sal Hanna. And where are these three people right now? The dwarf. I'll go get them. Thank you ever so much. Your kindness is...

Have they gone? The dwarf goes, but the human stays. He's just standing there with his light shining on you. Maybe he looks slightly awkward. So you've been here long? Nearly a year, he says. Having fun? Not really. really yeah i wouldn't think so where are you from i'm chon darthen so from a lot of places i guess the sword coast uh the sword

coast is a place that's uh no it's not in chult uh you pop would recognize it as just a like a very famous coast like a uh a pretty big trade area there's like a lot of really large cities up and down that coast it's the sort of thing that anyone who knew anything about geography would it's like it's like uh i know what cape york is even though i've never been to Cape York. Yeah, it's as if he said Europe, basically. Okay. It's a better example than that one specific Australian example. Yeah.

Still good. I don't know where Cape York is. Oh, no. Speaking of you not knowing where Cape York is, Tiffany, you've never heard of the Sword Coast. Oh, where's that? The Sword Coast, he says. I don't know how to get more specific than that.

It's a place. Don't worry about it. Oh, well, I'm so sorry, Adam. Where am I from? You would be from Kandor. I'm from Kandor. Do you know what that is? First things first.

Pop, get a good boy card. You obviously know where Kandor is. You've been there several times. You know the name quite well. The guard, he has to think really hard, but he's like, yeah, I've met a couple people from Kandor. Only recently though. Oh, well now you've met another one.

All right. Who did you meet from there? Maybe I know them. Are you? Oh my God. Oh, my God. Hang on, wait. He needs to quickly look something up in the book. All right.

That's not the worst thing that could happen. All right. Cool. So. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. What do you mean? They're just going to get some people and bring them back.

Yeah. Okay, okay. So what were you saying, Tiffany? Oh, no, I'm just waiting for him to see who he knows in Handel to see if I know any of them or if I had any connections because my dad was a lord there, so maybe I know of them, you know? Heyselos. Heys.

Your dad was a lord? Yeah yeah i don't think i remember that tobias stink bottom his name was you've never heard of it to buy a stink bottom hey adam have i heard of it to buy a stink bottom hi hi yeah you know a willie stink bottom but you don't know a tobias stink bottom i used to trade portraits with a Willie Stinkbottom. Trade portraits? The guard starts laughing. What do you mean, trade portraits? I would find rare and valuable portraits in places,

and I would give them to him for other rare and valuable portraits. So, like, you collected cards. Big cards. I'm a fucking archaeologist. I'm not a card collector. It's a real thing. All right. Big cards. I'm a fucking archaeologist. I'm not a card collector. It's a real thing. All right. All right.

The guard puts up his free hand that isn't holding the lantern. Oh, my fucking God. I hate you so much. I'm a leather worker. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm really good. I was really good in Kandor.

I'm sure I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I'm quite good all over, really. Oh, no. I kind of insist that you toot your own horn, because I've never heard of over, really. Oh, no, I kind of insist that you toot your own horn because I've never heard of you. You'd have to, unfortunately, the guard says. Oh, well, is anything I'm wearing on me something I've done? I roll my eyes so hard they fall out of my face, Adam. I would hope I'm wearing something, but I don't have anything. Unfortunately, you cannot temporarily blind yourself with that.

I have a false eye. Would you like to attempt to perform a trick? Yes. With a soft... Your... What is it? Basilisk. Basilisk eye falls out of your head and hits the muck.

You probably don't want to put it back in right away. I've got a spear. I put the spear in. I want to put it back in right away. I've got a spare. I put the spare in. I put the other one back in my pocket. Sorry, Tiffany. You can continue talking about leather. Oh, right. I was looking up your equipment.

Your leather armor, maybe, Tiffany? Well, I made this. I made what I'm wearing, my armor. The guard, like, shines the light slowly over you, having a good look at your armor. Oh, yes. A good look. Oh, oh yes a good look oh yeah all right nice we've all done that trick latin boy oh yeah he says it looks all right uh tiffany he maybe makes some comment about it that like a superfluous thing like he doesn't seem to know a lot about leather armor but he knows some of the names of the different parts.

So maybe he speaks about the clasps or something like that. He's like, nice clasp work. Thank you. Eventually. Lay back, yeah. Eventually, a woman wearing heavyset armor with a large neck guard all around, like a high collar to her armor, steps up into the gatehouse with the dwarf. She leans down, inspecting each of you in turn. And who were you for?

I drag this at the dwarf. You couldn't explain who we were on the way here. I want to hear it from the horse's mouth. I'm a tall for a start, but that's fine. I'm Pop Mandarin and I'm an archaeologist. I'm Tiffany. I'm helping. Artist

Simber introduces himself and also Dragonbait and then with some prompting flask of wine just says his name. He's our guide of sorts. All right, then. And you're seeking refuge here, are you? Yeah, we ran into some trouble further up the river.

We saw your camp. As you can see, my help here is very badly injured. I got attacked by a sea hag. They swapped brains. It was weird. All right. Actually, you didn't get attacked by a sea hag. You got brains. It was weird. All right. Actually, you didn't get attacked by a sea hag. You got attacked by me.

Yeah, is that a bluff? No, that wouldn't be a bluff. It's not really the same thing. I'm just simplifying. You're not attempting to deceive. Yeah, you're simplifying. You're not trying to coax a specific reaction or anything. True.

So she considers you all and she says, think that they're you're not trying to coax a specific reaction or anything true so uh she considers you all and she says all right we'll open the gates but i'm gonna let you know we don't have much in the way of supplies healing or dry land to sleep on do you have somewhere to sleep we have somewhere to sleep we don't have anywhere dry to sleep. Somewhere's better than nowhere. Thank you. Very well. Open the gates. The gates, with a massive awful groaning sound, slowly swing open to

allow you entry. Alright, good. It's a good thing you came at night. Why? Why? Why? Why is it good? You meet the woman and the two guards at the bottom of the gatehouse. She introduces herself. My name is Perrine Salhana.

You can refer to me as Lieutenant Salhana here. All right. Thank you, Lieutenant. There are three large prominent tents immediately before you, and then you can see several smaller tents past that. If you direct your hands towards the smaller tents you can basically find any bed available there and keep there for the night. If you are in pretty urgent need of medical attention you can go to... where is it? The two circular tents, The slightly smaller circular tents.

As opposed to the big... Cathedral. I keep wanting to say cathedral. What's it damn called? Marquee. There's like the big marquee. Then the two circular tents. Suggestions to either one of the circular ones.

They're both field hospitals. I can't imagine we'll be able to help with you much. But if you want someone to hold your hand while you feel sick, I'm sure you can find someone who can help you there. Other than that, we don't have much food. We don't have much water. Drinkable water. And, um...

What are you guarding behind these gates? You've got no beds. Camp. Yes. I've been in the middle of the desert by myself, and I've made better camps out of a raincoat and a stick. Do you think you could make a better camp here? With a raincoat and a stick? I probably couldn't put the spikes on the outside, so I'll give you that.

Just. Fuck, that's a good line. Get a good boy card. Fuck, yeah, that was very good. Oh, so many for two in a circumstance. Oh, there you go. She narrows her eyes at you and says well if you want you can borrow some pointy sticks and you can make your camp a little up the way i'm good

thanks yeah i thought so uh the gates close behind you and she says well if you don't mind i have work to get back to i would advise you to maybe keep, I don't know, just keep to yourselves and be gone tomorrow. Oh, we plan to be, don't you worry, love. She wanders away. Well, go to the tent and just check it out. I'm going to explore the camp, but I'm going to make sure that Dragonbait

or Flask of Wine goes to the tent with you, because, you know, I don't trust these people. Do you want anyone to come with you? Ah, it's you with me. Alright. Artist heads with you. Dragonbait and Flask of Wine stay with you because you know i don't trust these people do you want anyone to come with you ah it's you with me all right artist heads with you dragon bait and flask of wine stay with you tiffany you uh we'll start with tiffany you head towards the field hospitals these tents are filled with sick and dying soldiers of the order in the one you the one you enter has five such sick or dying, laying in stretches all around. It's not sanitary here. Sorry, there are acolytes, not proper priests or clerics, just like low members of the order.

Basically anyone they can scrounge together who has any, even like first aid training, is hurrying about the tent, doing whatever they can. But at the most, all they can do is really just keep them as dry as possible. Okay. This place is yuck. You can see some of the acolytes, it looks like they're ill and exhausted as well. It looks like the sick tending to the sick here. I don't want to be here anymore. Does perspective at least help me to feel better?

Mentally? This place is kind of just sad. Okay. As you enter, there's a woman. Does perspective make me feel better? You gain four hit points just from no longer feeling sorry for yourself. One temporary hit point. Yeah.

No one can knock me down. Well, like they can. Yeah, but. You'll get back up again. They're never going to keep you down. I'll get up again. I'd like to announce that I've given up my career in leather work and have taken up tub thumping.

And I'm changing my name to Chumbawamba. Tia Finney? Yeah. You see one woman in particular who looks like she might be someone of authority moving around. It looks like she has some actual magic or at least she's just very good at what she does. Or at least she's just very good at what she does. She's wearing, actually all of the acolytes would be wearing tabards with the stitched sigil of a gauntleted hand with an eye on the back of it upon their tabards. You would actually recognize this because you saw someone with a similar tabard preaching at Port Nyanzaru just as you were walking through the crowd, you know the god Helm.

Helm sounds like a stern but maybe fair god. A possibly lawful neutral type of deity. But certainly a deity that you would, look, any deity that isn't evil right now would be a welcome relief. Healing's healing. Healing's healing. evil right now would be uh welcome relief healing's healing healing's healing uh she turns around as you enter and she immediately rushes to you puts a hand on each of your shoulders and says you look dreadful are you okay oh i'm i'll live but i just i got attacked by a sea hag i'm feeling quite poorly is i see you're so busy is there anything you can do to help me she shakes her head slowly i i can see that you're poorly but i have others who are in greater need

um unfortunately i feel like my need might be greater than yours to be honest if you have anything that you could spare i would appreciate it but But I don't hold out much hope there. I'm sorry, I don't. It's okay. No one had, we're all low on supplies here. Okay, well. You're certainly welcome to stay the night, I suppose. Thank you. I think I might just try and sleep it off.

Get well soon. I leave. She waves. Oh, that's so good. Oh, that's so good. Oh, it's so inadequate. Oh, just saying that as you leave a hospital. Get well soon, everyone. Like an army hospital.

Like people are missing limbs and they've got fucking jungle fever. Hope your owies are better than mine. I'll give them a kiss. I won't. They're gross. So many boo-boos here. Yuck. Adam, I picked the wrong voice.

I'd like to talk like a 16-year-old girl for the remainder of the campaign. Can I allow such grating voices into my games? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in-plagued Chult. Hey there, fellow adventurer. Once again, that's Sants Pants Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice and join us on this epic quest of D&D podcast discovery.