D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #11 Sister Cyas

Episode Date: September 28, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio. An age of wonder. Welcome to Season 1, Episode 11 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Chult. You and the target must each make a DC-12 charisma saving throw. If both of you fail, your minds are switched for a D4 rounds. What the fuck? You fall for it as well. No! Right, you're fucking that.

So does Artis. Oh my god. No! Oh my god. No! So does Quartz. Roll the 20, Kat. You tricked everyone except the people you needed to trick.

With that, shall we say, encounter done, I would remind you that you were traveling right now at night because you wanted to get to Camp Vengeance, a walled compound with watchtowers and tents inside it, encircled by a ditch bristling with sharpened stakes. They're not fucking around. She turns around as you enter and she immediately rushes to you, puts a hand on each of your

shoulders and says, you look dreadful. Are you okay? Outside the medical tents at Camp Vengeance, you turn to your ally Dragonbait, who reeks of several different scents and the confusion makes it hard to pick individual ones.

But? You get roses get roses oh that's sad honeysuckle don't have that i don't have that one no i have mod smudge wood smoke uh wood smoke and ham devotion nervous sad and honeysuckle this is It's like Articulate or one of those games but with feelings. Taboo? Yeah, taboo with feelings. Dragonbait moves into the tent and begins helping tend to the wounded. Wait, he can fucking heal people? He just does medicine checks.

Oh. He can't heal them hit points or anything like that, but he can help with disease, which is something that is also quite rife here. What are you doing, Tiffany? Flask of wine will go with you. Yeah. I do not wish to necessarily stay here. Me neither.

I think I might want to go to bed. If I can at least get some sleep, I might feel a bit better, you know? Well, we know where the tents are. Let's go. I go to bed. I'm tired. I had a very big day. I went on a big walk.

Now I'm sleepy. You and flask of wine head to the soldiers' tents. And go to sleep. How's it going? Nice. Two at a circumstance, circumstance adam let her go to bed oh you hit your head on the way down you are out for the night sorry did you say hi hi okay meanwhile where where are you where do you where do you want to search oh we're just exploring exploring the uh exploring the actually you know what let's Oh, we're just exploring the...

Actually, you know what? Let's see what's going on in the fucking marquee. In the marquee? Yeah. Oh, how happy, happy, happy day. All right. I'm a nosy big boy. Hey, there might be artifacts in there.

There might be artifacts in there. I saw your face change from like, oh, let's have a look to i need to look what if they're in there and i need to send them home what if they look better in my museum inside the marquee is some basic effects for sleeping so there's like a uh a uh a raised probably raised bed like on little stilts or whatever. There's some basic personal effects. But dominating the room is a large table with several very inaccurate maps of Chult. Nothing as good as even your map, to be honest. And your map is not that great. Pouring over it, in addition to several guards and maybe a couple of tribals you can see,

like locals from the area who have, you suppose, been hired to help, is a very... Any turtles, Adam? We'll just do a little... There you go. Oh my God, are you lonely? Lows. Lows? A turtle?

Yes, among them. Cool, cool, cool. Do we have like an eye contact at the moment? Oh, there's tool don't see a lot of them there you go like you're like as you enter you nod to the total and the total gives you the no except actually the total shakes his head and looks in confusion because kind of in the center directly in the middle of the table not in the middle of the table not in the middle of the table sorry in the center of this group of everyone pouring over these maps is a very stiff and unpleasant looking person he's wearing a slapdash of armor you can see that he's not

properly taken the time to put it on or he's in the process of taking it off you're not sure either way he looks like a man who is not that ready to use the armor that he is wearing or the sword on his hip he has uh like partially you can you know how uh if someone does their hair up with gel or or uh pomade or something like that over time it gets that like loose frazzled nature to it. He has that to his hair. He has the hair of a man who used to take care of his hair, but has not recently had the time to take care of his hair. He has a mustache, which comes out in two directions in massive explosions of hair. But one of them has been shorn away nearly completely, leaving it a lopsided look.

This man, Don Quixote. Am I describing Don Quixote? A little bit. I was thinking Zach Brannigan at the start. Oh, wow. And a five o'clock shadow. The man, when you open the tent, he immediately looks up at you

and his eyes focus and unfocus and focus and unfocus. But then slowly he recognizes, not recognizes, but realizes who just walked into his tent. You! Who the devil are you? Same, I guess. What? Who the devil are you?

This is my damn camp! Who are you? Very nice camp. I'm Pop Mandarin. How you going? He gestures at the guards around him, and they don't draw their weapons, but they step towards you, and they're holding their swords. Your map's shithouse.

Well, what? Your map is shithouse. Who let you in? Who are you? I just told you, I'm Pop Mandarin. This is my companion, Arthas. You're... How did you...

Did you just arrive here? Are you reinforcements? No, you're not. You're not of the gauntlet, are you? Do I look like I'm of the gauntlet? No, you don't. I just said that. I'm Commander Breakbone.

This is my camp. And like I've said three times now, and he still does not listen i am pot mandarin an archaeologist this is my companion artist we have just arrived here but by what by what means we fucking flew well congratulations you're being conscripted i don't think i am oh no no no i think you are how did you get here? Arta steps forward and says, We arrived by boat. I'm so sorry.

My friend here, you seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot. I can see that... I haven't got a right foot. I can see the tempers are flaring. If it's all right with you, we're just here to stay the night. You are not staying the night. You are being conscripted. And if you've arrived here by boat, then I need you to

send six soldiers back to Port Nyanzaru immediately. Why? Because they're sick. They need treatment back at the port. Oh, you said sick. I thought you said six. No, there's eight of them in total. You've got boats. I saw

them when you came in. Yes. And now we've got your boats. And you as well, as guards. You'll be sent back with eight of them. And I suppose a couple of extra just to make up your numbers. You'll head back to Port Nyanzaru. Yes.

Yes, you'll head back to Port Nyanzaru. Are you fucking alright, mate? He looks like a man who is incredibly stressed. All right. You look like a man who's got no idea what he's doing. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. Arda Simber right next to you. You can hear him wince, but you can also feel the wince.

It, like, moves through the air into you. Forge ahead. Right. It like moves through the air into you. Forge ahead. Right. He's, uh, Commander Breakbone is staring daggers at you right now, but he's waiting for you to finish. And I don't mean any disrespect when I say that you look like a man who's under a lot of pressure and stress and you're in the middle of the fucking jungle and the camp is falling apart full of sick people. I understand the stress and pressure of being far away from where you want to be surrounded by bullshit i get it it doesn't help your maps are useless but i get it i do however if you look like a man who's under a lot of pressure and stress tell me what do i look like you look like someone who's about to be charged with insubordination during a military emergency

arrest them what's the emergency the guards draw their weapons are you fucking kidding me there are four guards in total in this tent but the camp is not not without more people you would guesstimate there to be at least at least 50 people in this camp. There are only four people, plus the commander in this tent. A lot of people are sick and weak. So are we.

Ah, see, Tom. Tom would just be like, no, guys. Call it a day. But I am not Tom. Us. Yes. If this goes to shit. Oh, it's there.

So what if it goes to shit? If it continues going to shit, you're going to run. Find the others. Get in the boat and get the fuck out of here. All right, then. How about I make you a deal, Commander Brokebones? What? How about I make you a deal, Commander Brokebones? What? How about I make you a deal, Commander Brokebones?

No, there's no deal. Arrest them. The guards have their weapons drawn. Let's go to initiative. All right, then. Let's go to initiative. Oh. You could have just said yes and thrown them in the water. They're sick. Fuck.

Holy shit. Oh, that is dark. The depths of your brain I do not want to fuck. Fucking hell. What? It's not that weird. What? We just say, we'll go to Port Iron Zaru, throw them all overboard, turn around and keep going

and don't stop. I actually guess that's a very wrong idea. Oh, well. I like that you're trying to have a nap and I've picked a fight with the leader of the camp. Artus goes first, but he holds his turn for Pop. Pop, it's your turn. Are they coming at me? Yeah, they're menacing towards you, as it were.

Well, I'm not going to try and keep talking to the commander because he's a fucking imbecile. Can I play a fortuitous circumstance? You can play a fortuitous circumstance, but I'm not sure what it's going to be right now. Yeah, I'm probably going to get arrested still. Adam, I'd like to go into my shell. What sort of an action is that i figure uh it is a uh cute i think uh shell defense as an action you can draw into your shell

and i can emerge as a bonus reaction oh my gosh could you like reverse whack-a-mole them? Just keep like, come get me, fuckers. Alright, you know you're literally coming all the way into your shell? Yeah. Alright, cool. Well, you turtle, I suppose. Just the idea that Artemis has looked to you to be like, I'll follow your lead, and you're like, cool.

Well, no, I gave him instructions before I went in my shell. If this went to shit. You did. Find the other's a leaf. I'll get out of here myself somehow, Adam. I'll just duck out of the tent. The guards are upon you. Ooh.

Ooh. No, Rick. Okay. So, you're in your Rick. Okay. So you're in your shell. Yep. They would have trouble hitting you, but that's not what they're trying to do. One of them reaches into one of your arm holes, wrenches at your arm, and drags your arm out. Another one does that with another arm.

And then you feel cuffs being put around your arms. They do the same to your legs. You're cuffed. Fair enough. But your head's still in the shell, yeah. 100% my head's still in the shell. It'll still on the table break bone. The guards drag you out of the tent.

Do I feel myself being dragged? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know you're being moved. Adam. Yeah? I would like to roll my big turtley body. You could try to struggle away. Yeah. Can I play a fortuitous circumstance to make that happen?

Um, you can't use a fortuitous circumstance to win on a roll. But I can give you a d12 to a skill check. That's okay. You're unfortunately competing against four guards so it's very difficult. You basically, the way it works is, they get their four rolls, you get one, and you need to beat the highest one of them. Okay.

I didn't, did I? No, you didn't. One of them rolled a 20. So you're being dragged out, but it's come back around to your turn again. You can keep trying to resist if you want. But now that you're out, even with your head hidden in the hole, you can see that only more guards are arriving. out even with your head hidden in the hole you can see that only more guards are arriving you can if you want potentially just attempt to um you could just maybe look surrendering is an option is it adam it is it is these well they wouldn't arrest you if they

were just going to kill you i pop pop my head back out, I guess. Hang on, hang on. Stop. What the fuck? Hold up. I'm done talking to your commander. Does he want my assistance or not? I could tell him how to get a better map.

They drag you back into the tent. You're still handcuffed, though. I think I just asked for him to be arrested. You did, but I said no. Now, as I said earlier, your map is shithouse. It's wrong. I've got a better map. It's not even a complete map, and I've got a better map.

I'm an archaeologist. I know parts of places reasonably well, and even I have a better understanding of where you are and what's going on around you than you do the uh punishment for insubordination is to be stripped of your resources so i'm getting your map regardless oh yeah i guess you know how to read it then because you're doing so well at reading those i love pop can't stop one stop adam do you have anything for a skill check? Yes, D12. D12?

All right, spend the boy. Yeah. Oh, thanks, Cass. I'm going to savings row if you're ever in trouble. Thank you. We're a great team. Commander Breakbone narrows his eyes, and he's about to say something.

He looks like he's just getting more and more red in the face. But before he can say anything the tent flaps open up and artist simber dragon bait and what's her name oh the sister yes yeah the nurse wandering i'm being rescued by other people's charity sister siah says good news commander we have uh with this gentleman here gesturing to to uh dragon bait with his assistance we've been able to cure at least some of the cases of mad monkey sickness that have developed within the camp what's going on just so you know easy me yes yes yes uh where we came here as a group is that artist that's great one of the guards one of the guards mutters uh the gentleman

here was bartering uh map knowledge for a night stay i think sister sias well, of course then. Yes, of course. Commander Breakbone is just completely put out by that. He's still looking like, actually almost literally steam coming out of his ears. He's so red in the face right now. I love this so much. He turns around as if he cannot bear to look at you and says, very well then. Coughs. The guards uncoff you. Thank you, Dragonbite.

Dragonbite nods. Ardis taps you on the shoulder and says, perhaps you and Dragonbite and Sister Sias could, I don't know, perhaps she can give you a tour of the area. You were saying just before we went into the tent that you needed to use the latrines. He's pretty good at deception. Do I know that he's... Yeah, he's quite obviously trying to... He's giving you a coded message. Perhaps I shall stay here with the commander and I'll go over our maps with him.

All right, that sounds like a good idea. I'll go over our maps with him. All right. That sounds like a good idea. I will take a shit with these two. Sister Sias wrinkles her nose a little bit, but doesn't say anything. You leave with Sister Sias. You come out and you spot Tiffany walking towards the tents. Aeons got arrested. It's all good, though.

What? What? What? That's all I tell you. Tiffany, you've just been looking for a place to sleep the night in the tents i imagine i'm walking you say that i will freeze and you keep walking and then you're out of view and i'm like well i i guess i'm still going to bed can i find a bed sister sias you've been looking for some time now it's actually very difficult to find a free bed. Sister Syass gets a couple people

to move about so that you can all sleep together in one tent. I mean, Adam, I do have a tent. You can set that up if you want to do it. It's only a two-person one, though. These ones are slightly larger. They're enough for four. Oh, I know when that comes. Which means that one person won't be able to sleep with you guys. I'll sleep out in my shell, mate.

It'll probably just end up being Artis since he's talking with wait wasn't I gonna go learn some secret oh were they just getting me out of the room yeah learn some secret he said find the toilet Artis didn't want

you talking to the commander anymore my new friend, Tiff. I wonder what life you guys would have led if you'd just taken those sick people back to Port Nyanzaru. It would have been interesting. That's not fucking why I was doing that. Well, you wanted to throw them overboard. No, not me.

Cass wanted to throw them overboard. Tiffany is a good person. Dragon Bait had already healed them. Oh. Dragonbait hadn't healed them. Well, anyway, that's beside the point. He just cured monkey sickness. Let's not look into that.

I say that's a good idea for us to not do. Yeah, problem is that the sister's much nicer than the commander, and you're a sucker for a nice. I'm not there. I've gone to bed. I don't even know about monkey sickness. Sister Sias is here with you right now, helping you guys find a tent. Oh, right.

Did she tell us about monkey sickness? I don't ask. I'm tired. She does. She tells you directly, people. She's like, you would not believe how awful it is around here. Why? It's the many different diseases.

Unfortunately, we don't have enough boats coming to and from port nyanzaru if only we had like some people to take you know oh well never mind it's nothing oh i just wish i had like a daughter-like figure she says i'm kidding i'm kidding she finds you a tent, you stay there. Oh, my God. Imagine. I've never had a mum. I've only ever had a dad. He was shit. No, he was everything I could have hoped for. That's dreadful.

Everyone deserves a mother. Really? Yeah. Not everyone. Who doesn't deserve a mother? Well, my mum. Well, I guess where I'm from, people like me, I don't get a mother. My mother didn't want me.

So I got a dad who chose me, but... I mean, he didn't really... Sometimes a father could be a mother. Spoiler alert, that father. Only one kind of mother, motherfucker. Well, that's awful there are many different types of family i've never met him with just the stories you tell me i've decided he's a piece of shit there are many different types of parents uh some are mothers some are

fathers of all different shapes and sizes and such but uh and you don't necessarily always need two but it's nice to have at least one i'm sorry she puts no actually she hugs you does it feel nice it feels warm oh she has monkey sickness yeah you've contracted back i'll go back it just i'm sorry it's mad monkey sickness it makes me you know huggy she doesn't say that sorry go on no I hug her back and take it in. I haven't had a mother figure at all throughout my whole life. Do you say that or is that Cass? Um.

Oh, Tiffany is a sharer. She is. I just say, are you a mother? Yes, I come from a large family and I have a large family. Are you a mother? Yes. I come from a large family and I have a large family. They probably miss me dreadfully. You're not with your kids either. No, my children are quite young.

Oh. Go back to them. I want to. I want to, but I have... well, I have to do stuff here. Where are your kids? They're with their father. In Point Nyanzaru? No, no, back at the Sword Coast.

Oh. Is that far from here? Any distance is far when it's far from family. Yeah. Yeah. i look into the distance i miss my dad she's kind of picking up what you're putting down she maybe leads you away from the rest of the group and you sit down together and she just asks you about your your home i tell her everything. She listens intently. Oh my god. Is she nice?

Yeah, she's lovely. You're going to do whatever this fucking lady tells you to do. Not if she stops me from seeing my dad. She tells you about her kids. She has eight. Oh my gosh. The youngest is twelve. No, sorry, the oldest is twelve. The youngest is three.

Have you sent any of them to school? Yes, they go to church school. Do they come back? As part of where, sorry? Did you send them away or do they just? No, no, no. It's all part of, we have like a, well, the Order of the Gauntlet has many different such holdings and stuff like that. Castles, smaller forts, temples within cities and such like that.

And so does, she like pulls out, she pulls at her tabard to stretch out the image on it. And so does Helm as well. You're about to ask a very sad question and it's going to break my heart, Cass. We all live in one big building together with the order and with the church. You live with your family every day? Yes. Well, obviously, except when I have to go away for things like this this is the longest i've been from my family how long a year and a month i think she chuckles a year um a year and 17 days and that's long for you? Ages. Oh.

I hope that when I can find my dad and bring him back and, well, he's a bit dead. I just hope that I'd love to spend a year and 17 days with my dad. Oh. Cass. Oh. I think that's a long time too, I guess. Oh, boy. I've heard none of this either, so no sympathy from me. I still don't know about the monkey disease.

She's like, oh, it's hard work. And I'm like, an opportunity for me to talk about my family. Well, you just have a really long chat with her. Till Ardis finds you. And I go to sleep. Do I finally get to sleep? Is the sister still with us? No, sooner have you fallen asleep.

Sorry. No, the sister has to go back to the field hospitals. And then to her family. But I make that pretty clear. They probably miss you. I know I miss my dad. How many days has it been since dad got? I don't know.

How many? Yeah, it's been one week. No, Ed. It would have been so. It's been maybe five months. Yeah, it wouldn't have been that long. You're away with him for less time when you're at school and in your day-to-day every life all the time.

I've been away from him for longer. I guess it's just harder this time because I don't know. He's not really there. I can't go back to him. Sister Sias waves Artus off. You spend the entire night chatting with Sister Sias. No, I need to go to bed. I need to go to bed.

I need to go to bed. Do you, like, eventually just, eventually you're done talking? She tells you about her family. Okay. Eventually I just say, this has been so nice but i if i don't have a good sleep i'm not gonna have the strength to fight for my dad tomorrow so thank you very much maybe not is this what it's like to have a mom yes she says oh well i can see why everyone wants one i give her a hug and go to sleep.

She hugs you back. Keep in touch, she says. Really? Yeah. Do I get her details? Yeah, you can send letters to the fort here if you want. Yes! Oh my god.

I have a friend. I have a pen pal. I have a mum pen pal. What is... How do I spell... What? Sister. Sister.

C-Y-A-S. Sias. Because you're good friends with her, I can get away with lots of shit with the commander being a dickhead. Ooh, let's not push that, shall we? Let's try, Adam. Sister Sias.

Gauntlet mum. Sorry, I didn't have the accent. That's literally artists talking to you. Ooh, let's not do that, shall we? Sorry, what did you say, Cass? Tiffany? No, I just wrote down, Cass just wrote down, Sister Sias, gauntlet mum, open parentheses, write to her.

It'll be difficult to get letters back to her in the jungle. Oh, yeah. I'll fill her in later. Yeah. This is so good so far. Does she get your details? What details do you give her? Your dad has a house.

You can get letters there. That's true. I don't know. I'll write you because I'm going to be moving for a while. You're going to be here for a while. All right. She gives you several sets of details then. There's a place at Port Nyanzaru that can forward letters

towards her, and if she's not in Chult anymore, she gives you a very strange address somewhere in this supposed sword coast that you can contact her. Well, in that case, I give her the address for Dad's castle?

Is it a castle? Yes. Yeah, address for Dad's castle, because it a castle? Yes. Yeah, address to Dad's castle, because that's where we'll live when I find him. Shouldn't be here, let you live with him. What? I mean, he chose me, and then he chose not me, but then we went to the adventure and he chose me again. And that's two choosings out of three.

That's how love works. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently. Get it? Apparently. Ooh! Is Sia's gone? It's just us now? Oh yeah, it's just you guys. Sleepover!

Great. I can't see you though. No, there's fire all over the camera. Ah, sick. Grumble, grumble, everyone can fucking. Oh, grumble, grumble. Everyone can fucking see me grumble, grumble. How dare they look at you? Who was that lady? Sister Sias.

Well, she got me out of a prickly situation. However, I was almost out of it myself, so. Isn't she lovely? She's fine, I suppose. Do you have a mum? I'm sorry, what? I don't know I suppose. Do you have a mum? I'm sorry, what? I don't know. Do you have a mum?

That's a fairly yes. What's she like? Which one? You have more than one mum? Teening Technically, yes All of them? Tell me about all of them I have two Yeah?

I don't know one of them a lot I think she's dead, I assume So am I Well, one of my mums is You have more than one mum as well? Well, I was adopted, so I don't have any mums, but... I was also adopted and I have another mum. Sort of.

Sort of? I was... It's complicated. This is why I don't get into my personal history. I was raised with a brother, siblings, et cetera, and a paternal figure and a maternal figure part of that arrangement but i also had an original mother who yeah i don't have a lot of in the night uh pop you heal 30 hit points and tiffany you heal 20 uh 27 oh that's not enough. Tiffany, you're on 38 out of 48.

And Pop, you're on 75 out of 84. I'm almost back, baby. You're both almost back. I could kill wounds, both of us. It's torrential rain today. We can't go anywhere. And now, a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that you could hear less of this nerd shit

and more of that footy shit, then do I have news for you. How Good's Footy is a show by Doucher, Handsome Tom, and Sean Carney, where they, as my dad calls it, I wish one of them was my firstborn son, Adam. So, if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad wrote me out of his will,

then head on down to SantsPantsRadio.com and search for How Good's Footy. Wait, are we even allowed to leave? You can leave, yes. Yeah, we can just leave. I think we should leave. Artist thoughts. Look, I know, I know, but maybe we should just leave. I should go talk to the commander again.

Oh, no, no, he's... Fucking mustache. No, you can't. He was going to fucking arrest me. Can you believe that? Was that rhetorical? What do you mean, was that rhetorical? What were you saying,

Animas? I think we should get going today. Look, we might not be able to make much travel or progress, but I think it would get going today. Look, we might not be able to make much travel or progress, but I think it would just be clever. So let's get going, shall we? Yes. All right, fine.

I am going to award you both some experience for doing the fort. I didn't do anything. Were there any side quests that were available to us if I wasn't such a dick? Well, you could have done that quest of taking the people back to port nayanzaru is that guy a terrible captain he's not a terrible captain he's terrible here so his experience is waging a conventional war yeah that's what he knows this is not a conventional war yeah he doesn he doesn't. It's kind of like fighting a conventional army versus fighting an insurgency. It's just a very completely different fight that he is not trained for,

does not know how to do. It's not even really an insurgency. So I was right when I said he has no fucking idea what he's doing. Yeah, but you shouldn't have fucking said it. That was good. He's a man who's just barely holding it all together he has some very good lieutenants and they're keeping things around for him so i'm gonna give you about 750 experience points oh that's great because we both learned about our families yeah actually you know that i'm adopted and so are you i keep meaning to give

you guys this extra experience but i keep forgetting to so you guys this extra experience, but I keep forgetting to. So you know what? Get an extra 250 experience points. Hey! Yeah! Hey, Adam. Yeah? How many points do we need to get to the next level? You need 23,000. You're currently on 17.3.

That's not that... We're not that far away. You know what? Have another $2,500. Oh, my gosh. $2,500? $250. $250.

What a million. Whatever. I'm feeling generous today. We did experience a lot. We did. We did. I had a heart-to-heart with a mum figure. That's new for me.

I had to share personal information. Very difficult. Yeah. Now, you've got to break down those walls. It's me just filtering in just various bits of backstory about my family. Right. And how I hate all of them. What?

If you're leaving today, then Sister Sias stops you, Tiffany, right before you leave. I would try and look out for her as we go. She finds you. Yeah. She finds you. She gives you a locket. Oh. Here. You could consider yourself family.

I give her a big hug. And as I'm giving her a big hug, I say, thank you so much. I'll keep it forever. You should open the locket, she says. Probably somewhere dry, this torrential rain. What is in this locket? As you unfold the locket, you see Sister Sias, a somewhat stern but calm-looking man, eight kids of varying ages,

and tacked on the end is a... They're all little portraits, tiny little portrait paintings. And right at the end is a little portrait painting that's been added recently of you, Tiffany. Oh. It would appear that the children are arranged in age order with you at the end, as you would be the oldest. I've never had one of these.

I've never been in a painting with anyone from my family before. Well, I suppose you're not technically in a painting with my family, but our family, but you're among them. Yeah, no, this is the closest I've come. Thank you. Give her a hug. Oh, that's sad. We lived in a castle.

They would have commissioned paintings. He just wouldn't have come. Imagine this. Yeah. Imagine this. There's lots of him and mum around. A painting of him and mum. A painting, maybe like a more recent painting of just him or whatever.

Mm-hmm. You come in with your own little paints and you paint yourself on that. Oh, no. And then you get in trouble. That totally would have happened. Oh, that's hurting me so bad. Oh, my gosh. And that, oh, my gosh.

That totally would. Oh. That would have been me showing artistic merit. It's like, you've got to go somewhere. He's like, the paintings shouldn't have happened. She is talented, though. Send her far away from here. Just using that as an excuse, being like,

well, if you like paintings, if you like crafts so much... Why don't you marry him? Yeah, we leave, Adam. Cool. Yes, and hold it close to me. Before we leave. Is it on a necklace? Yeah.

To lock it on a necklace. I wear it. Sorry, you were about to say? I was going to say, is there, like, anything in the boat that I can steal out of? Spite? Spite. Out of the boats that they have hitched? Yeah.

No, there's nothing. They're just boats. I want to take an oar. All right. You take an oar. You can add it to your inventory. Yep. I see you doing it and give a nod.

That's right. You're a thief. Also, I know I got arrested, so fuck them. That's the old fucking. I get it. I've tried really hard not to be thievy because if I put this mission in jeopardy, that means I don't get to dad. Fair enough. It's not me.

It's for dad. I have to be as good as I can. Can't wait for old Commander Brokerbones to paddle around in fucking circles in his boat. Yes, Adam? You're just not hurting him specifically. You're hurting the entire... Anyway.

Yeah, the more his team fails, the less competent he feels as a leader. I don't like it. He tried to fucking arrest me, Adam. Don't do that. It's cool. Just tip all the oars into the water. Then they have to swim out to get them. I'm not that mean.

I'm worse. I took an oar away. They can't retrieve them. The guards are just watching. I just swam all of the oars into the river and just sank sail away. To take one oar would be fine. To take multiple, you'd need to make a check.

You're just taking the one oar? Yeah, I'm just taking the one oar. All right, cool. Should a circum... I'm kidding. Over the course of the day, you do not make a lot of progress. Ah, fair. It's rainy.

All right. So, not that far from Camp Vengeance, you set up camp. You're just staying the night like this? Yeah. Well, because we had harsh weather, does that mean we've got- Oh, you're both on two levels of exhaustion, by the way. So can we just get as far away and just have a rest day? Sure.

You can try that. So who's taking first watch? Who do you reckon is taking first watch, Adam? Nothing happens. I'll taking first watch? Who do you reckon is taking first watch, Adam? Nothing happens. I'll take second watch. Nothing happens. Uneventful night. You will both recover.

Fortuitous circumstances. Giants attack. Wait. Is that a fortuitous circumstance? For the Giants, they're hungry. They're having a great time. Still pissing down. Hey, you know They're having a great time. Oh, still pissing down. Hey, you know what would be a fortuitous circumstance? The rain stopped?

Yeah. Hey, Adam, I'd like to play this fortuitous circumstance card to make the rain stop, please. Sorry, did I say the rain? It looks like the rain is going to go again all day long, but by the time the sun has properly risen, the rain is almost completely gone it stops almost as suddenly

as it started let's continue on with Toombala yes let's go as far as we can as fast as we can without wearing ourselves out are we still exhausted? you're still on one level of exhaustion but that's just

gotta cop it. Hey, are we full health now too? Oh, right. Yeah, you're probably full health. And got spells-y. I'm spell-fy and healthy and a little bit stealthy. When I'm in a shell, I'll give you hell. You don't know where I am if it's dark.

And you rely on dark vision. I love that song. Thank you. Shellfish. I'm allergic to shellfish. Even though it's healthy fish. Yes. Keep going.

Please. Hey. Finish it. You're trying to get wealthy, put artifacts on a shelfie. Yes. Doing this thing from a selfie. The next day goes by without any event. Are we almost at our destination? It's going to be mostly marsh coming from here to Umballa,

but not a lot of tall marsh. Are you saying it is Swamp Adam? Yes. Because that is one of my favourite terrain types. Well, there you go. I don't know what that does, but I just know it says Swamp. And then PHB, which I assume stands for

Peanut, Hutter and Belly. That's exactly what it stands for. PHB stands for player's handbook oh cool yeah so uh you yep you get as in this day you get about as far as uh as far as you can you're in now the aldani basin which is like a giant sort of lake kind of almost it's quite large you can't be swamp swamp you can't see how far it goes south it just hits the horizon to the west you can kind of reckon you can make out trees in the distance and as always you can see well not not as always actually now that you're out a little bit more in the open you can properly see the mist cliff mountains to your west the cobbled mountains just

south of that the peaks of flame which are to yourself and to the east the sky lizard mountains sky lizard it's pronounced dragon do you want to hear something very funny what you made that joke in episode one. Did I really? Oh, my God. You were looking at the map. You said Sky Lizard Mountains, and you said someone doesn't know how to say dragon. At least I'm consistent, Adam. That's phenomenal.

No, it's very funny. I'm going to read this if anything actually happens if I am in a swamp. You get bonuses. We can't get lost. Very good. Because you nearly got lost on the way here. I am alert to danger even if I'm engaged in another activity. I can move stealthily to a normal place while alone.

And I find twice as much food. And while tracking certain creatures, I can learn exact number sizes and how long ago they passed through the area. It's good that you can't get lost because, fun fact, Flask of Wine got a little lost on the way here, so you're actually a couple days behind what you should have been. That is... But you guys don't know that, so don't say or do anything like that. As far as you're aware, Flask of Wine is the best guide you have,

when actually it was Cooper Louie. Are we even going to see them again, Adam? It's going to be slow going from here on. When you're in the boats on the rivers, you can move it quite a lot. Quite a really good clip. But here on foot, especially

in the marsh, you move a lot slower. Except me, but I'm with these dickheads. So, while you set up camp for this night. Who's going to be on first watch? Adam, who do you think is going to be on first watch? Cass, no, me. Nothing happens on first watch.

I'm on second. Night goes on eventfully. It's not a great night, though. There's no hard ground, and there's not enough tree to really make a hammock or anything like that. So you're probably sleeping in the boats quite uncomfortable. In the boat, sorry. You all share one rowboat. We do. We lost those canoes to them goblins.

It is uncomfortable. You're sleeping with a lot of... Actually, you know what? So much so that you're going to have to roll to see if you recover a level of exhaustion. Oh, no. No, you're both fine oh good you are both on zero level exhaustion oh we're finally back to norms the night is uneventful if somewhat unpleasant the next day you start setting out through the marsh you're gonna have

to leave the boat here and fingers crossed you'll find it again because going back up the river without a boat will be slow. Do you know what, Adam? I think we will. I've got that magic finding power. I just can't use it on anything else except for the boat. All right. You just can't use it for anything else. Yeah, that sounds fine.

I'm just going to wing it and hope we know where the boat is later. We've got a map, so we're like marking shit on the map, right? Yeah. All right. I'm better at maps than I'll fuck face back at camp. You almost immediately realize the flask of wine is getting you guys lost. Here's the Sky Lizard Mountain, not to your east, but to your south almost. Flask.

Yes? I'm not going to be mad. Are you lost? No. Flask. Yes? I'm not gonna be mad Are you lost? No Flask I'm only gonna be mad if you lie to me Okay then Are you lost?

I wholeheartedly do not believe that we are lost It feels like we're lost Do you point out why? Those mountains should be to the east Flask of wine squints at them Indeed this is true Do you point out why? Those mountains should be to the east. Flask of wine squints at them. Indeed, this is true. Can I take... Will I have a bit of luck?

Yeah, you can try. All right. I'm pretty good at swamps. I've been in a number of them. I punched a bog wizard in the face once and stole his hat. It was very rare. Under your guidance, you start moving through towards Mbala. Are you going to be stopping there or are you just going to keep straight on going until you get to Oralunga?

Because Oralunga is... We have no idea where that is. Mbala has been described as like a cursed place to you. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Good, good. Doesn't necessarily mean that you want to skip it, though. Well, Mbala... Because we've got to go through Mbala to get to...

Oralunga. Oralunga. You know that Oralunga is to the west of Mbala. Yes, we might as well. Well, we'll see. We'll just keep going. And if we get to Mbala and it's time to explore, we'll just see what's happening.

And I've strategically placed us in the order of moving so that you're not as close to me, so I don't have to hear it. You don't have to ask me any more personal questions. Yeah. Yeah, that'll fix it. While we're walking, am I able to ask artists what honeysuckle smell means on dragon bait honeysuckle well uh my understanding mean would be that honeysuckle tenderness or concern thank you i don't know that nope because you put me far away from you and you don't get to know that now.

Are there any other smells we should know about? Can I show him my list? I mean, we're just walking. What else is there to do? Baked bread. Ooh, what's that one? Anger. Tar.

What's tar? Celebration or victory. Oh, I don't know. It's smell. When he was fighting, it smelled like baked bread and then tar because he was angry and then he killed the things. Well, that's really clever, little dragon boy. If I smell a new smell, I'll let you know. Feel free to.

Yes. So, at night, on first watch, I just don't understand. I can't believe it. Oh, no. First watch with... Me? Yeah, with boy. Everyone's good, mate. Pop.'t believe it. Oh no. First watch with me. Everyone's good mate, Pop. Loves being on watch.

Not talking about his feelings and insulting people of higher rank than him until they incarcerate him. And you're so good at it. In the night, do you? Yeah, you keep a campfire. In the night, Pop. I'm, you know, being a bit away from it. In the night, Pop, you know being a bit a bit away from it in the night pop

you can see that a giant log that you guys had camped near the dragon bait is resting up against slowly snoring you hear no you see and then you hear first you see that the log is slowly rising and falling rising and falling and then you hear a snoring similar to dragon baits but not dragon baits snoring and then you realize that the giant log is in fact a giant brown lizard the size of well a tree trunk it's on its back with its legs stretched out in front of it and behind it like a cat looked like during the day it would have been sunning itself but now at night it's slowly coming awake one of its eyes opens with the like the like that parting of the membrane and it's its eye slowly dilates and then starts looking around.

It focuses slowly on dragon bait and then on you and then it lies there. What do you do? It's seen me. Yeah. Oh, boy. It doesn't rely on darkvision. No. Can I slowly, like, Crocodile Dundee style, just very slowly approach the creature?

Okay. Pick Dragonbait up, put my hand over his mouth so he doesn't yell. Dragonbait issues are muffled. But then you quickly realise he can't yell. That's not how he communicates. Oh, yeah, that's right. I take my hand off. I'm like, sorry, forgot.

Forced habit. You smell brimstone. And I just gently, like, try to point out the big lizard eye behind him and that he is leaning on a very big lizard. Baked bread. He's angry. I don't know what baked bread means. Oh, no, you don't know.

No, I misread. Violets. I know what that means, I think. Fear. You know that one. And I'm like, yep, yep, just bury. There's gotta be a, come on. You slowly move away with dragon baits until you're sitting near the fire.

until you're sitting near the fire. The lizard slowly rolls itself over, gets up, and then plods away. And that is nature. Dragon bait gives you a little applause. You're both startled by two swarms of bats. They attack. Are you kidding? Are you fucking kidding?

Are you ginormous? Fuck! You love a double encounter, don't you? The giant lizards was not actually an encounter you rolled. I just wanted to give the bat encounter some fluff.

Otherwise it's kind of boring. Some bats attack you, whatever. This is funny. You are, mate. Well, at least I woke up an ally to assist me. Yeah, sure. Because I imagine it would have just been me. What if I had gone and antagonised the lizard? You would have been fighting two creatures, I guess.

Maybe it would have just been fighting the giant lizard. I don't know. We'll find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chult. you can have access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and content. Once again, that's SantsPantsPlus.com. Hey there, fellow adventurer. If you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content, we have just what you need to scratch that itch. D&D is for Nerds Plus, the symbol, not the word,

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