D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #13 Pterafolk

Episode Date: October 12, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio. Too old for trampolining. Hello and welcome to Season 1, Episode 13 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chultz. Primson, Wesley. It's never a good pop when the critical hit begins with the word permanently. Every bat, every single one of these 100 or so bats No, Adam! Swarms at your leg at the same time What happens, Adam?

They tear your leg apart The grudging acquaintances Sometimes have moments apart The grudging acquaintances They were enemies at the start My legs get ripped apart. A creature shuffles slowly around the hut, hunched over

in an animal-like posture. You realise it's a human woman, impossibly old, crippled by arthritis, blinded by cataracts. Magic. She'll tell us what we see. And he can also sense the alignments of creatures within 60 feet of him.

If they're good, evil, neutral. Okay, we should use that skill of his a lot more. Yeah. Hence why he will get nervous before we do. Yes. Clever little bread boy. The frog's mouths. Yeah.

Are they proportioned in such a way? Because frogs usually have giant mouths. Could one of the frogs swallow one of the other frogs? No, they couldn't. Frogs before you, what do you want to do, Tiffany? I whip out my rapier and I say, we're going stabbing. Okie dokie. And I guess I get to move first.

If you move up, you'd spend your entire turn getting into range. And so would Ardis. In that case... Ardus Sembra, actually, I guess, could use his dagger to dimension door. Ardus Sembra could get there and fight. Well, in that case, because he has a crossbow, yeah. He has a longbow, yes.

Longbow, yep. I retract my last statement. I whip out my crossbow and say, we're going shooting. All right, then. It's frog season. So you fire at one of them. Yep. Doing a blazing 7 points of damage

You wound one of the frogs Does it pop like a balloon? No you haven't killed it Artis Simber fires once Doing a further 3 points of damage to that frog Fires twice Downing the frog That you two had been working on together And then fires a third time Three points of damage to that frog. Fires twice.

Downing the frog that you two had been working on together. And then fires a third time. Hitting another frog for three points of damage. And then it is... Of course. Flask of wine. Beautiful flask. Flask of wine immediately dies. It's set upon by frogs. Flask of wine immediately dies It's set upon

By frogs Flask of wine trips over a frog and it's somehow impaled Flask of wine Finishes off that frog as well Between Tiffany, Ardis and flask of wine They've downed two frogs You're down to two left

Functionally, technically three But the third one is leaving Pop and dragon bait Frog hunting season Am I still holding that frog? You're down to two left, functionally. Technically three, but the third one is leaving. Pop and dragon bait. Frog hunting season. Am I still holding that wounded frog's tongue? Sure. I'd like to use the frog as a mace.

Okay, the frog's a bit big for that. You could try. It'd be at disadvantage, though. Sure. Yeah, give it a go. All right. Give it a go. You don't know yet. You made a noise that sounded like you're a bit irritated.

Hang on. Which means my dumb thing succeeded. Yeah, all right. Yes! You deal eight points of damage in your first attack, and then... Yes? You get a critical hit on the second attack.

We are the other frog Yeah So imagine I'm just like swinging it around Like a big old ball and chain type thing Tenderizer Quadruple damage and the target becomes Vulnerable to bludgeoning damage For one minute That means hit him again

It probably won't matter You deal maximum damage you deal oh yeah we're getting 48 points of damage how much health does this frog have adam it had like less than 15 although you already done like eight points of damage you you destroy it kill. You mulch one of the frogs. Everyone. And I mean everyone. Tiffany, Dragonbait, Artisimber. You're not impressed, Tiffany.

You're scared. It was overkill in an extreme. He kept going. The frog had been dead a minute ago. Oh, my God. He just laid it. Would that have done damage to the other frog I was using? You're holding bits. You're holding shreds.

The two are dead. There's one frog left that was not in your firing line. Presumably you want Dragon Bait to deal with it. Dragon Bait almost gets disadvantaged as his jaw has dropped just staring at you can i try to know i already had my turn i'm gonna try to intimidate the other frog just the whole time i'm doing it maintain eye contact dragon bait lays out the last frog not nearly as much as you no one has ever in the history of dungeons and dragons laid out a frog as much as you have oh there's only one amphibious you do what i would

like to term an excessive amount of damage beyond a normal campaign good that's what i want to do more bad that excess you killed it so much usually we skip over the fact that when you down an enemy typically they're lying bleeding out it's kind of assumed that you maybe like go around after the fight dealing with the enemy or whatever like that but in certain instances of massive damage they are just outright killed not only did you hit that point where you outright killed the frog You kept going several times over. Did I kill the frog so hard it came back to life and then killed it again? It is Mario on Rainbow Road on his first lap as you, as fucking Peach or whatever, you're doing the victory lap that happens after you've finished the race.

Fucking on Peach. God. All right, that fight is over. You all look horrified. None of the NPCs talk to him. Thanks for your assistance, Dragonbite. We're still fighting. There's still one left.

Oh, no, Dragonbite. No, there's not. Dragonbite finished it off. Are you treasuring the frogs? Both of you get 250 experience points. Hey! What? I look away.

I'm not allowed to look right now. For fuck's sake. You fucking, you know, you fight a bunch of people, you kill a frog with another frog until it's paced on the fucking ground and everyone loses their fucking points. The rest of the night is uneventful. Everyone tries to go to sleep. Oh, boy.

We all get our rest in, but none of our dreams are nice. Oh, no, my dream's fucking amazing. I'm just smashing frogs. I'm playing Frogger, but I'm the car. And the frog. Then you drive off the screen screen never to be seen again yeah pop's gone bye

pop refuses to awaken alright so the next day you're just gonna start trying to head west yep alright let's head to uh

oh fuck it these place names do my head in Oralunga Oralunga who's in charge who's leading is it Flask

of course it's Flask yep oh no wait I've been leading while I've been in the swamp because I'm good at swamps oh right yeah I remember that Who's in charge? Who's leading? Is it Flask? Of course it's Flask. Yep. Oh, no, wait. I've been leading while I've been in the swamp because I'm good at swamps. Oh, right, yeah. I remember that because he got us lost. So I was like, fuck off, Flask, into the back of the queue. Why did we eye you?

Why the fuck did we eye you? Is this what I'm not going to pay you for? You have already agreed to an arrangement. I thought we had a deal. Flask seems a little worried. Flask, do I look like the kind of man who would rip you off? May I answer that when we return to Port Nyanzaru? Fair enough.

Clever boy, Flask. Clever boy. Let me check. I think you might have left Swamp at this point. That's all right well actually you can stick to if you want to there's um a forest on either side of your journey i assume you want to stick to the swamp do you know what adam yeah apparently my other good terrain is forest oh well there you go you can move into the forest if you want is it quicker it's about the same it's

largely irrelevant do you want to show off, though? Yeah, I do. You're either dodging around trees or slopping your way through the muck, so it doesn't matter too much. Let's go forest. I'm good at both. Okay.

I so want to ask you about how you learnt about all this, but I'm not allowed. So we need to talk about the visions that we saw. No, we don't. It's been a whole... No, not even about that, but about the fact that those two... So, Papa's repressed the marriage one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those two fighting. That's it. That's bad. Okay, as we're walking, maybe we make eye contact, look at those and make a face like, I don't know what to think, I don't know, what do you think? I don't fucking know. I don't know, huh?

What do you think's going to happen with those? I have no idea, but I'm sure I will find out, huh? It sure is odd, eh? It's so weird. They seem to get along so well. Yeah, but, you know, the tall one's kind of a fuckhead. Yeah. to get along so well. Yeah, but, uh, you know, the tall one's kind of a fuckhead. Yeah! You don't sound convinced of his fuckheadery.

Yeah! You're so right! He's tall, and he's got a good knife, but he doesn't use it, huh? What's all that about? Yeah! Nah, forget about it! Forget about it!

Don't forget about it. Anyway, let's keep moving before they get, you know, suspicious of our, you know, talking. Yeah, I don't think it's too suspicious. What, do we just keep dipping in and out of languages that we assume they cannot speak? Yeah, we making a mess assuming we making an ass out of you and me. Well, nah, probably, maybe. Ah, forget about it. Forget about it.

I like that it's canon. I like that it's canon. Adam deserves better. Adam deserves so much better. Adam deserves so much better. But what's he gonna do about it? What's he gonna do about it? You keep in for another night of sleep. Who's on first watch?

Who do you think? Ha! No encounter. Who's on first watch? Who do you think? Ha! No encounter. Who's on second watch? It wasn't me. It was Artis. I'm on second. I know. I'm on second watch. I'm on first. You're on second watch?

Yep. Congratulations, Cass. For the first time... I mean... Sorry, did I say Cass? I meant Tiffany. Sorry, I didn't mean to... To ruin everything?

To use your name from the before times. Before this session started. You're not allowed. Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin everything. To use your name from the before times, before this session started. Not many people know this, but while we're playing a game, even outside of the game, that's what I call you. It is. No, it's really rough when someone orders Uber Eats. Can't go to the door. Uber Eats for Cas. Doesn't exist.

Doesn't live here. Adam answers the door for everyone in this house. Uber Eats for Cass doesn't exist. Sorry. Doesn't live here. Adam answers the door for everyone in this house. Uber Eats for Cass. I'm like, no, I should have ordered it five minutes earlier. I could have eaten, but now I have to watch him pick up the lunch and put it in the bin. Oh, gosh. That's going to be interesting.

Don't say like that, Adam. Say, that's going to be very interesting. Well, well, well. Imagine if I just spoke like this for the rest of the campaign. I can hear three different accents when you do that. Hi, I'm Pop Mandarin, and this is the Ab Smasher. Get one today.

And also, my wife's face that I cut off. Gosh. That's my name. Gosh killed my wife. Whoops. Whoops. That's a bad fake name. I just... I don't know why he mainly became a serial killer, but he fake name. I just...

I don't know why he immediately became a serial killer, but he just did. I'm sorry. Hey, once you make a character, it goes into the world and lives without you. That's the true beauty of art. Oh, man, fucking art. If I may.

Tiffany, as you're sitting there in the jungle, you hear a little bit of a rustling. You turn around and you see one of those boys poking his head through. He looks kind of cute and he tilts his head to the side. And you feel like a moment of kinship with the creature before six more burst out of the underbrush, obviously tracking around you. And you hear a heavy breathing behind you. You turn around to see Mama right behind you. Oh, no.

You have to assume she's teaching them to hunt. They get a surprise round. No. And then we'll go to initiative. No. There are seven. Clever girl. They've got axes for beaks. And then we'll go to initiative. No, there are seven. Clever girl.

They've got axes for beaks. They don't open. I wonder if that's what they were. Instead of having a beak, it was just a bird, and where the mouth should be, just an axe. They chop, and then they've got a small hole where they slope. A little straw just comes out of the base of the axe. Tiffany, you take 17 points of damage.

Ouch! Stop! I'm dobbing. You know, I know your mum. She's right over there. How many other people are there? Four? Yep. And there's six of them.

All right. Two of them attack dragon bait, and two of them attack pop, and two of them attack Pop. And then it's another one for Flask of Wine and who did I not say? Artisember? Is that the person I didn't say? Yeah. Gosh.

Well, Pop, you feel in your sleep something heavy land on you. The fuck? Without even really thinking about it, you whip out with your hand and knock it aside. And Dragonbait, unfortunately, is not as lucky. Oh, wait, no. There's two attacks. A second one does strike you. And Dragonbait just gets torn apart in his bed.

I like to imagine that when it lands on me, just like, fuck off, Pip, get off of me, I'm falling asleep. You will take three points of damage, Pop. Oh, no. A full three points of damage. Dragon bait looks mildly annoyed. All right, then we'll go to initiative. What in the name of good green fuck is this?

Horns, you're supposed to wake people up when fucking birds attack. Tiffany, who would you like to act with? You get to pick first this time. Well, if Pop has managed to just flick one off of his belly. Get over here! We gotta kill the mother! Great. No, you can't act with each other.

Oh. It's only an NPC. Oh, right. Yeah, no, of course. Sorry, I got excited. Dragon bait. Dragon bait. Dragon bait?

Yeah. And, um, Pop, who would you like? Flask of Wine. All right. Cool. Flask of Wine has a short sword and a short bow. That's what he can do. He gets one attack a turn.

Adam, I'd like to change my answer. Oh, no. He makes two attacks a turn. Sorry. Keeps me dying, no wonder. Makes two attacks a turn. Also, he has feline agility. He can double his movement speed for one turn,

but then he gets a bit puffed. He needs to stop moving to get that ability back. Fuck, he's a lazy shit. I just picked him because I refuse to fight with artists. No one didn't know what you meant by that. Everyone knew exactly where you were getting at. Even artists? Even artists.

Even somehow artists. The idea that you're sleeping next to each other, like you're the closest to each other, and you're like, Floss, get over here. From the other side of the camp. Make him use his feel and run. Also, you're waking up and being like, you're supposed to wake us up when things happen,

and there's, like, an axe in my neck. And? Yeah, fair. No, I deserve that. You do. I should have seen them coming. Where the fuck was this in fucking old mate's vision? I go back to fighting,

because I thought of something I didn't want to think about. Tiffany and Dragonbait, it's your turn. We need to kill the mother. I go Witch Bolt on the mother, and part of me is like, they'll be fine, I was fine, but then I think of Sister Sias. I don't stop, but as I'm Witch Bolting the mother, I take pause. Crackling electricity bounces, or or does it i believe it does a thousand witches

bolt from my fingers it that is such a better spell it bounces off the the axe beak doing no damage no no dragon bait barrels forwards and slashes at it his first attack misses but his second attack slashing upwards bathes both of you in large hot droplets of blood um did it not work did i feel that i wasn't powerful enough or did it feel like i did my best and it feels like you just maybe poorly aimed the attack okay too're too busy thinking about Sister Sias and feeling bad. Oh, no. That's what thinking and loving gets me. You could have asked me.

That would take the same fucking thing. All right. Then it's the axe beaks turn. I look at you sadly. You take 13 points of damage, then 12 points of damage. You're in a bad spot. Why does it attack twice? It gets two attacks.

You guys get like four attacks. Yeah, but I'm me. It's the fucking bird. And then the axe beaks continue to lunge at you, nipping at different sides. You can tell that they are still young, still just learning how to fight, especially when one of them cocks it up pretty badly trying to get at you.

Beat fucks. Up my sleeve, you become... Oh, this is at you. Oh, yes. Yeah, you become entangled in the target, you being the target's clothing and or armor, and must make a DC-14 dexterity or strength-saving throw to free yourself. While entangled attacks against you are made with advantage one of the axe speaks as it out of rapples with you the only pieces of clothing i have are a hat and several belts don't you have like a shirt no no

i'm a giant turtle oh man it gets its beak wedged into your shell. Oh, you fucking little shit. It starts thrashing and freaking out with its beak wedged into your arm hole. Oh, that's not good. Oh, and one of the other ones does hit you, though. You take nine points of damage. Pop. Oh, no. Nine points of damage.

What a pain. I'm in agony. Take a 42 42 pop and flask of wine so there's one in me arm yes you're gonna break its fucking neck all right you try to grab out with advantage no still you try to grab at it but your hands slip off well one of your hands is just very inappropriately placed to try and grab at it. So you're grabbing at it with your other arm and you just can't get a purchase of it. You get two more attacks, actually, I should say. Fucking gave me bright as fucker's neck. Gosh.

All right. Cool. Critical hit. You don't even mean to do it. You just grab the axe beak and twist. Its body, its neck cracks, and its body goes limp. You throw the dead carcass on the floor before you. All right.

That'll teach you to climb a tortoise's shell without an invitation. That's your turn, though, but you still have flask of wine. What would you like? Flask of wine is pairing off with one of them. Flask, get behind me have Flask of Wine. What would you like? Flask of Wine is pairing off with one of them. Flask, get behind me. Shoot the big one. Flask, looking at his backpack with its short sword and short bow,

he darts towards it, grabbing the short bow, then sidles up behind you, knocks an arrow, and fires at the axe beak, trying to follow him. The arrow strikes the axe beak, but does no damage it doesn't pierce its natural armor oh man this thing's tough then it would be artist simba's turn but unfortunately he actually rolled lower than the mystery guest today's mystery guest is

uh a race of people known as Terrafolk It's not their actual name That's just the moniker that they are given By people Because of their fearsome reputation They swoop down They look like pterodactyls But humanoid pterodactyls So wait, are the X-Bigs theirs?

You don't know? You're fucking kidding me They swoop you know how terror folk work they're vicious they try to well not really take people alive but they do tend to prefer their meals fresh they're sentient people though and they swoop down from above they don't engage directly and you know you've seen this happen before, Pop. It's not pleasant. They will stay out of your range, flying above you, throwing javelins down upon you. There is four of them in total.

One of them targets each in turn. Pop, Tiffany, Artis, and Dragonbait. They have been watching you for some time, and they know the dangerous ones. Son of a bitch. Three javelins careen downwards towards you, Pop. A hit. A critical hit. You fucking bitches.

And a hit. The first attack. Where is it? Oh, gosh. It was a critical hit, wasn't there in there? Yep. The first attack deals 12 points of damage. Oh, it's starting to get worse.

I've been really cocky before. I'll do the third attack now. The third attack is 11 points of damage. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. And then the critical hit. Something slipped. Quadruple damage and your AC is reduced by five for two turns. Quadruple damage is going to sting.

You take 24 points of damage. Fucking hell. This is the worst. You take 24 points of damage. Fucking hell. This is the worst. Fuck me. You're supposed to yell out when birds fucking attack. Tiffany, a javelin hits. No, I'm dead. A javelin hits.

This will make me dead. The first attack downs Tiffany. They're not going for flask at all. Not a threat. Then the other two attacks are directed at Dragonbait. Downs is in. I'm on zero. You're on zero.

You're in saving throws. Hits. Hits. And then one of the other Terrafolk was just targeting Dragonbait. So that's two hits so far. Three hits. Oh, how is that possible? Twice this has happened now.

A disadvantage where I rolled two 20s and it was a critical hit. Now at advantage and I've rolled two ones, so it's a critical miss. One of them fucks up seriously somehow. Good. Sneezes twice. Oh, no. In total, four hits on dragon bait Eugene I told you to take your medication

Before we took off It's my first day Fuck I've been through this a thousand times You cheat Somehow he throws the javelin upwards Letting go at the wrong moment The javelin sails upwards And if he was standing in the same place next turn

It would hit him. Unfortunately, Terrorfolk moves swiftly, so this critical fail actually isn't going to affect him that much. He just missed once. God, Eugene. What the fuck are you- Why was there so many dice? What the fuck are you rolling for over there? Oh, no, that's never good. Art of Simbra is not looking good as well.

Artisimba takes three javelins all to the back, because he hasn't gotten up yet, slowly working their way up his back. Artisimba cries out in anguish and one of his legs starts spasming in a very unpleasant looking way. If only you cared. That was one, two. Yep, that's all the terrifying.

I care because of the impact it will have on us. Yeah. Do we have a campfire, Adam? Sorry? Do we have a campfire? You do. Yeah, you would. Cool.

Cool. So, Tiffany, you're in saving throws. Would you like to roll your own ones? Of course. A one, if you roll a one, that's two failed saving throws. If you roll a 20, that's one hit point throws. If you roll a 20, that's 1 hit point, you're back on your feet. A 10 and above is good. 9 and below

is bad. You want to get 3 successes, not 3 failures. Then you're dead. Ah, sick. Okay. And you can't come back because of the soulmonger. Oh, no. 10. Oh, my fucking god. 10th is his success. Oh, no. Ten. Oh, my fucking God. Tenth is his success.

Oh, Jesus. Okay. And Dragonbait, you actually can't order Dragonbait. For the sake of interest, I'll let you decide what Dragonbait does. Dragonbait does not have a ranged attack. He cannot fight the petrafolk at all. Okay. Terrafolk, sorry.

The way it reads, it looks like it should be petra folk or something like that oh because it's like terror oh yeah but it's terror but it's terror folk sorry did i just say paradox maybe um dragon bait would like to keep attacking the mother axe beak that is still standing over that's very clever because if he hadn't i would have had her grab you and drag you away on her turn. Cool, that's good. I'm glad Dragon Bait is clever. What does he smell like?

Right now, baked bread and violets. Yeah, I was going to say violets for sure. Fear. I... He deals 25 points of damage. He brings down the Mama, but that's his turn. Thank you. Dragon Bait maybe also stands protectively over Tiffany,

but there's nothing he can do right now. Do the Bubbers lose their shit? The Bubbers are not happy. No. Correct. Do they become like, you know. Do they just cry? Do they go to mum?

No, all of them I reckon are going to disengage and attack dragon bait. You reckon or you know because you're the DM? I know. Yeah, I thought so. So it's kind of a bit, one might say it's bad that dragon bait is standing over my body. It's not great. No, but well, they're attacking dragon bait, not you. Can't wait to have a pile of my friends. Three hits on dragon bait fucking hell they're nipping at him

coming in from different angles dragon bait can't keep up with all of them he takes 20 points of damage then it is pop and flasks turn oh artist simber on his turn oh actually he should have had a turn oh no wait that's right he did have a turn sorry he's tangling with one of the petra folk he's trying to fire upwards but he's not having a lot of luck. All right. Well, I'm going to tell Flask, light your fucking arrows on fire in the fire. Aim up. Okay.

And what would you like to do? What I would like to do. Are there still any axe beasts near me? No. They've all disengaged to attack dragon bait. And I've seen Tiffany go down. Yes. Tiffany's down. I'm going over there then, I guess.

Oh, no, I'll never know it was you. No, you won't. And now a quick word from our sponsor. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that we would stop all this role-playing nonsense so that we could get down to brass tacks and nut out which bird is the best bird, then do I have news for you. Shut Up Second is a show by myself, Jackson, Cass, and Zoe, where we, as my dad calls it,

embarrass ourselves on a public platform with our lack of scientific understanding. So if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad isn't answering my calls, then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Shut Up A Second. You'd have to wade through Axeaks to get to Dragonbait and Tiffany. That's a kick.

I know, I know. So what I would like to do is take out my magical jug. Yeah. And on this turn, acid. Okay. You fill the jug with acid. Great. Let's go.

And on my next turn, I'll do something else. Okay. You can move still if you want. I begin to head towards the massive axe beaks. Okay. Without going into them yet. Flask of Wine misses on his first attack. Come on, Flask of Wine.

And misses on his second attack. Come on, Flask of Wine. I am not fucking paying you unless you hit one of those petrodactyl fucking plagues. If you ever just stuck an arrow into fire and then tried to shoot it, it's not easy. No, I don't have a bow. I have a hammer and a sickle. Well, Flask of Wine is trying his best, but he can't hit. Again, this is not what I'm not paying you for.

Then it is the terror folks' turn. One of them now targets Flask of Wine. Hit. Hit. Hit. Hit. Hit. Flask of Wine is not looking good at this point. He has a bit of hit points, but does he have enough? Flask of Wine is wounded pretty heavily by Javelins, but he's still standing.

That's one of the terror folk. Another one targets you. How many are there? There's four. Fuck me. I think I'm going to make it to you, Cass. Holy shit. Another critical failure. But fuck, a critical success as well.

Eugene, what are you doing? It's my first day. This is how it's done, boy. I had to learn on the job. I'm a kinetic learner. The training modules did nothing. We're all kinetic learners. We're giant pterodactyl people.

All right. This might be very helpful for you, actually. Poor sport. Your target... Kills three to... Your target taunts you. Make a DC 14 wisdom saving throw on a failed save. You are disadvantaged when attacking this target until you successfully hit them. So, as the terror folk swoops down and throws a javelin at you, it misses you very badly.

You look up and tauntingly say... Nice shot, fucking bird face. He passes it. He knows he's not a bird, I guess. The second attack is unfortunately then still a critical. Damn. It didn't matter what I said, it was a roll,

wasn't it? Yeah, it was a roll. Split. Oh, for your trouble, the second javelin goes straight through your bottom lip fuck i can't talk again quadruple damage and spells with verbal components have 75 chance of failing until you are healed 75 chance and the third attack is also a miss and the only way i got a heal was by sister what's her name atName at Camp Vengeance. No.

I think I healed myself. You just had to get it right because it was a 1 in 4 champions. 28 points of damage. Hey, Adam, I'm down. You are. Oh, no. Oh, no. Are we going to wake up in a gigantic nest on a cliff?

It's not looking good for you two. No one else can heal. All right. And if you're a good boy, Koopa Louie would burst out of the jungle right now. And that was the terror folk. Oh, and artists and his one tangle. He's got a jug of acid in my arms too.

Both of you are unconscious, so neither of you know this, but good news, Artis Simber downs one of the terror folk. Huh, you'll never know that. No. You'll still hate him. Yep. He'll tell us and you'll assume he's lied. Yep.

Oh, God. I won't even do a perception check to work out if it's true. I don't care. No. Just assume it's true. I don't care. No. Just assume it's a lie. Tiffany, you need to make another saving throw. Oh, no, Adam. That's a three.

Three. That's a failure. All right. And then Dragon Bait is surrounded by axe beaks with a Terrafoak above him. Oh, my God, Ragnar. What do you want him to do? His best. He can basically swing and not much else at this point.

Take the jug of acid. Take the jug of acid. Pour it on the birds. Yeah, is it obvious enough? He'd have to get onto the other side of them anyway. Do you want him to attack the axe beaks? Axe beaks, yeah. All right.

He kills two Axbeaks. He's pretty good at it. He's practiced. It's the Axbeaks' turn. Highs or lows? Highs. Highs? They're babies. They flee. They don't want to fight Dragonbait. Thank Christ.

We don't know this. You control Flask of Wine. What would you like to have him do? I guess keep firing at the terror You don't want him to grab acid or something do you? Adam I'd like him to grab the No because that wasn't my plan I don't want to lose the urn

I was going to pour it on the axe beaks Can he dip his arrows in the acid And make them stronger? And eat away at the bow I would say so he's been currently i'll give you this option he's been currently firing a disadvantage because he doesn't want to damage the bow with the fire and it'd be the same with the acid you can if you want i'll have you make the choice for him he can fire at disadvantage or he can fire regularly,

but then every single turn he needs to make a dexterity saving throw or he destroys his bow with fire or acid. But if you pick fire, he does a D6 fire damage in addition to the regular damage of the weapon. If you choose acid, he does less regular damage, but he does 2d4 acid damage. Fire damage. Yeah, yeah.

Fire damage? All right. And would you like him to roll at disadvantage, or would you like him to make the dexterity saving throws? Dexterity saving throws, Adam, please. All right. All in, baby. He hits twice.

Yes, cop that, Eugene. And he keeps his bow going. Let's be honest, Eugene got killed by Ardus. Eugene has died. He deals 16 points of damage to one of the terror folk. Two flaming arrows strike it in the chest, and it warbles, but it doesn't stop. Then you need to make a death-saving throw. Come on, baby.

19. 19. That's good. Very good. That's a success. 20 would have brought me back to life. Yeah. All right.

Would have healed myself. Then it's the Terrorfolk, and it's all of them versus Ardus. No, and Dragonbait. And Flask. And Flask. Oh, Flask. They know Flask is just the guide, though. Although now that he's dealt a bit of damage, Flask of Wine shouldn't have done that.

So there are three left. There are three left. They are, however, good news, out of javelins. Oh, javelins are a finite resource. We're dead, so cool. They're going to come pick them up though, aren't they? We need to get the javelins.

They're in us. No, they swoop down and attack. It's all bad. I need to Google what a terrorfolk looks like. I think I know, but I just want to say on that what it looks like. Yeah. Pass your phone over once you find them. I want to see too.

I will. Don't look at my search history, okay? Dragon bait takes a further 30 points of damage. Dragon bait is starting to slow down. They're way more terrifying than I was imagining. Oh, they're spooky.

Flask of wine? Oh, no, flask of wine's taking a lot of damage. Flask of wine goes down. Shit. Yeah, they look

scary. I thought they were kind of, in my head they're purple. In my head they were very humanoid. Yeah, they basically just had wings.

They look more like the gargoyles from the TV series Gargoyles, but with cone arms. They look more like the gargoyles from the TV series Gargoyles, but with cone heads. They look like if someone was making a pterodactyl and they're like, oh, cool, cool, cool, grab the pterodactyl lizard body, and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but they gave him a human body. Yeah, fuck it up.

Tiffany, you no longer have control over Dragon Bait at all. Both of you are unconscious. You don't know what's happening. I'm rolling behind the scenes. Make your saving throw. Oh, no. That's a fail. One more and I die.

Yep. Yep. No. No. Welcome to D&D is over. D&D is for corpse. All right. Pop.

You don't have any control over Flask for the same reason. Because he's... Wait, so Dragon Bait and Flask... No, wait. You can roll for Flask and yourself, actually. Because Flask's also down. Oh, no. Is Dragon Bait down too?

Dragon Bait isn't down. Not yet. You can roll for yourself. So roll. 14. 14. Another success. I'm still here, babe.

Now roll for flask. Ooh, I got a four. Four? That's a fail. My good little dice. Good little baby dice. My good dice. Beautiful dice.

Love you, babe. Love your numbers. Give him some kisses. Love your little points. Tiffany. Love your little dice, babe, and your dots on your sixes and your nines. Yeah.

Make your roll. That is a one. Okay. Pop, make your roll. No. Thirteen. Thirteen. That's a success.

Oh, you're stable. Am I awake? You're not awake, but you're not dead. Okay, well, this is for Flask. Yep, roll for Flask. A one will kill him. Ten. Ten?

All right, that's a success. Are you dead? All right. Adam? Adam! What the fuck is happening? Do you know what I hate? Is when he gives you no information.

Yeah, except for a sly little smile smile and you don't know what it means. And then just this. Pop, roll for a flask of wine. Come on, baby. You rolled an 18. No, an 8. I rolled an 8. I couldn't lie to you, Adam.

That's a fail. Is flask of Wine on two fails and one safe? He's on two fails. Yeah, one good, one bad. See what happens when you take the thing happens on your watch. Cass, are you dead?

Pop, roll for Flask of Wine. Oh my god. Oh, fuck. What is it? Eight. Flask of wine breathes his last. We have saved him so many fucking times. Oh, at least he ran out of his usefulness as a guide.

Lisa, don't have to pay him. Pop thinks to himself in the abyss. That's rough. What's rough? That's rough. Hey, do you want to tell us what's rough? That's rough. Hey.

Hey, Adam. What's rough? The final terror folk collects you all in a net. A net? Yep. Dragonbait got him down to the last one, but Dragonbait was done. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Is Tiffany dead? Am I dead? No, you're not dead. So, I didn't want to say this until it came up, but at the beginning of this game, we established, I established that I was doing tougher rules on you guys, right? Meat Grinder. Yeah. Actually, I forgot as well, in Meat rules on you guys, right? Meat grinder. Yeah.

Actually, I forgot as well. In meat grinder, we've been doing this wrong. Oh, you get away with it this time because I forgot. But in meat grinder, it's 15 and above is a success. And you need to get 14 and below is a failure. But, and I didn't want to mention it until now, but I doing an alternate in the dungeon master's guide there are alternate rules for dying instead of dying I can impose a pretty hefty

price for surviving Tiffany you will come back with one hit point as will you pop but I stabilize myself so I'm okay as will dragon bait as will artist simber but actually I should roll for dragon bait and artist simber as well

but you're gonna come back grievously and flask but you're gonna come back maybe grievously mortally wounded and kidnapped by pterodactyl people yep okay fuck yeah i love playing games games are fun It's a good way to connect with your friends and have a good time in your adventure. Yeah, and die. You don't... Yeah, sometimes it's fun to activate that fight or flight when you're sitting in a chair. It's good when your muscles get real sore and you haven't done anything. Yeah.

You might want to write this down, Tiffany. You have a horrible scar. That javelin went through your cheek into your neck and out your back there is your cheek has been destroyed it's gone you don't have a cheek people can see directly through your cheek into your mouth as you eat as you drink, everything, whenever your mouth moves, people can see the muscle work beneath showing. The stretching tendons and ligaments. It's a horrible, awful, disfiguring scar. And people, even if they don't want to, on a subconscious level, sometimes fear you because of it.

Not fear you, but dislike you because of it. Dad's never going gonna look at me again this wound can never be concealed not even magically there's an there's a something about it it's just an innate sinister lingering damage to it that that no illusion magic can conceal even if you magically change your alter your appearance that scar will still show on your alternate appearances. You have disadvantage on charisma checks, persuasion checks, but you have

advantage on intimidation checks. If you can find... If you can find a very powerful cleric, a very powerful cleric, they might be able to, with the direct intervention of a deity, heal this scar.

But otherwise, it is very permanent. Oh. Dad didn't love me before. How is he going to react when I go and try and save him? Fail. Dragon bait. Dragon bait might live, might die.

Have some percentiles. No. What are percentiles? All right. Roll them and hide them. Roll them and hide them. Keep them hidden from keep them hidden from

Handsome Tom. Handsome Tom? Yep. Look look Cass in the eyes. Highs or lows Guess wrong Dragon bait Dies

Guess right He just gets a terrible scar Fuck me Lows What did you get Twelve Thank you Oh my god

Dragon bait Was slain by a claw attack to the face his face is torn apart he has like this long uh uh dragon like face yeah it's more lizard like if anything like that actually it's got a bit of a uh like a lizard crossed with an ape sort of appearance to it but that nose has been sheen pretty badly but the scar doesn't have any adverse effect it maybe makes him look a little dashing but it also makes him look a little stupid for getting the scar in the first place it it has no major effect uh luckily unfortunately for tiffany she got a very different one now artist simber i'll see how he turned out artist simber just stabilized nothing bad happens to him flask of wine

flask of wine was fine as well they both stabilized so artist flask and myself have no permanent injuries the morning light slowly forces your eyes open. You can see it shuttered through your lids. And when you slowly open them, you have a beautiful, amazing view of Chult and the surrounding areas. Casting your eyes away from the rising sun, you can see a massive stone ziggurat,

beautiful, poking out of the surrounding tree line, far off in one direction. Then you cast your eyes in another direction and you can see mountain ranges, beautiful, stretching before you. Looking over to the east, you see the marshes and slowly orientate yourself as south. Somehow you are facing south, looking to the east for the sun and to the west for that ziggurat. Maybe somewhere dully in your mind, either one of you, Tiffany or Pop, either one of you think, maybe that ziggurat is or a lunger it's about in the right place that's just the first thought that floats into your mind then slowly you realize you are upside down oh fuck me sideways oh your hands are draped above you and you slowly look down or up, depending how you choose to orientate yourself, to a 100 foot drop.

You look to your feet and you find a spike embedded deep into rock above you, tied to a rope, tied to your legs, both of you. You look around and you can slowly hear the, oh God, of artist Simber, flask of wine, and dragon bait. All five of you are pegged upside down. Pop, you are the first one to see Tiffany's garish wound. Oh, fucking hell. I mean, oh. What?

Nothing. What? Nothing. Your face hurt. Everything hurts. Cool, cool, yeah. Why? No reason.

Why? No reason. What? Nothing. It's fine. Don't even ask again. Can I try and touch What? Nothing. It's fine. Don't even ask again. Can I try and touch around? You slowly make the discovery.

It's not as bad as it looks. Maybe at one point you investigate with your tongue, and when your tongue pokes out through the hole, you immediately snap it back into place, horrified. It could be worse. I don't think it could. It could be both sides of your face. through the hole, you immediately snap it back into place, horrified. It could be worse. I don't think it could. It could be both sides of your face.

Wow. Pop's trying to be supportive. My dad already thinks I'm hideous. No, it works. It works for your aesthetic. That's what I've been trying to get away from my whole life No, you know, you know I mean, you look Can I see Dragonbait and his fucked up face?

Dragonbait looks Oh, you're mumbling Oh, that's right Your bottom lip is split open It's not as bad as you I mean, you don't look as bad as old Dragon He looks like shit It's not as bad as you. I mean, you don't look as bad as old Dragon Bait. He looks like shit.

Dragon Bait has a horrific scar mark across his face. It's not nearly as bad as yours, but it does. Is that a bluff check then? You've been telling me that it's not as bad. Oh, you both rolled 19. So, Pop, your deception is plus one. Tiffany, your insight is plus seven. Yep, no, Tiffany, you know he's lying. He does not seem very convincing when he says that.

I'm glad I'm hanging upside down because otherwise my tears would surely sting. How's your face? Oh oh i've had worse i once so you did artist simber spits up spit and blood which drips down his nose and onto his forehead um i'm terribly sorry but i feel like we have let's deal with this one issue at a time he with his upside down hands gestures behind you back towards the you now realize you're stuck underneath the mesa. Oh my god. There's a cave in the side of the mesa. The cave has

five terror folk muddled about it. Have they noticed we're awake yet? They don't seem to care. They don't have any active watch. This is obviously their camp, their settlement. So let me

explain to you your situation are our hands free not good your hands are free oh that's good but to what end and we don't probably are assuming we have no belongings on us adam you have none of your basic belongings but anything so like if you had armor you'd still be wearing that if you you wouldn't have your weapons your backpacks but they didn't bother to strip you much they don't think you're getting away oh fuck have i lost my hat yes you've lost your oh i'm gonna kill someone probably a pterodactyl boy hopefully a pterodactyl boy at least three of them yeah so pop's not going to try and be polite and nice ever again because it's backfired horribly and now he's upside down in a cave or someone's crying. Worst nightmare.

So they see us. Yeah, they see you. And they don't care. Could I sort of try and hoik myself upright? You can try. But as I'm doing it, to see if that bothers them. Okay, yep, yep. Right.

So you are on the southern end of the mesa, the opposite side from the way you walked up. There is a little lip to the mesa here where they've stuck spikes up into the lip and have dangled you down from it. Their cave is just a little bit below you. Maybe. But set into the. Yes. Set into the mesa.

Yeah. below you, maybe... But set into the... Yes, set into the mesa. So if you were to pull yourself free, you would fall 100 feet down. Actually, I think it's 500 feet. Let me double check. It's a long way. Would we survive that fall? I'm not going to look it up because I don't care enough. No.

Basically, the idea is... We're all on health, aren't we? Yes, we're all on one hit point. Basically, the idea here is if you fall, it is to your death. Your certain death. How will our heroes escape without killing themselves in the process? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chops. Thanks for listening.

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