D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #14 Upside Down

Episode Date: October 19, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio, that itch you should never scratch. around you and you hear a heavy breathing behind you you turn around to see mama today's mystery guest is a race of people known as terror folk this will make me dead the first attack downs tiffany they're not going for flask at all the second javelin goes straight through your bottom lip fuck i can't talk again quadruple damage and spells with verbal components have 75% chance of failing until you were healed are we gonna wake up in a gigantic nest on a cliff it's not looking good for you too you have a horrible scar that javelin went through your cheek into your neck and out your back slowly you realize you are upside down. Oh, fuck me. Basically, the idea here is

if you fall, it is to your death. Your certain death. Upside down, underneath the mesa, you are all on one hit point. Pop. Yes? Is there any healing you can do? I...

Can I heal from a distance upside down? I don't believe so. Hang on. I mean, I could heal myself. Yeah. Are we, like, close together? Like, if we were, like, swinging? I was about to say, yeah, you can't heal from this distance,

but if you were to swing yourself back and forth, you could grab Tiffany and cast the spell to her. All right. First of all, Adam. Oh, sorry. Oh, what are you rolling for? I was rolling for you to swing, and then I was rolling for them to notice. First of all, I'm going to cast Cure Wounds as a level two spell on myself.

Because if you don't have a mouth whiffer. That's right. Oh, Adam forgot. Damn it. The spell fails. right. Adam forgot. Damn it. The spell fails. Fuck. Try again.

You can do that one more time as a second level spell. Now I've only got first levels. Then you've only got first levels. I'm going to do it again. Come on, fucking fix my fucking face. You succeed. That's much better. You heal yourself 12 hit points.

All right. Horns. Yeah? I'm going to swing to you. You swing towards me because I have to touch. I can't heal from that distance. I'm not. That's not what I do.

Okay. So on the count of three? Yes, but be very, very quiet. Okay. We're obviously not going to get down from here enough for them to be alerted, but I don't want to javelin to the face. I had that already, as have you. I won't mention it again, don't worry.

Cool, cool. Just swing. You swing across and you grab Tiffany. As you do that, there's a terror folk right at the lip, absolute edge of the hole. He or she twitches a little bit and rolls over. Looks like that they're about to notice what you're doing, but still just remains asleep. Oh my fucking God. You Cure wounds First level cure wounds On Tiffany

Tiffany you recover 10 hit points Who else could I swing and heal? Hazelos Heist No one else Fuck them all I don't give a shit

Cool Cool cool Cooly cool Artisember says And Do we have Any sort of plan? If we had a plan, we'd be doing it. Oh, my God.

Even when he's upside down, he's fucking. I wasn't sure if you had one and had not furnished us with it yet. Well, we could always try and climb up. Does it look like if we get on top of the post, we could go up onto the mesa? Oh, yeah, climb around the top rather than drop. It would be a difficult climb, but you could attempt it. You'd need to get yourself free first. Artist Simber pats himself down and says,

I still have my ring of winter. There's several things I can do with that. If you can get yourself free, I might be able to move you. When you say move, what do you mean exactly? What the fuck does this ring of winter do? I can make a giant magical hand, but I can't really do as much with it as you might like. So my suggestion would be... Why does the ring of winter make a giant magical hand?

Is it a frosty hand? Yes. Oh, big ice hand. Yes, it's a big ice hand. So, I don't know if I can... Well, it can't move you, but you might be able to use it as a platform. So, rather than falling 100 feet, you could fall onto the hand and jump in with the terrorfolk. Now, I know that's not the best plan, but if the options are fall 100 feet and die,

trying to climb, or summoning Nanny Poo Poo, I would suggest that as a third option. Is the top of the mesa far enough away or close enough that we could use the hand as like a stepping platform to get to the top? Not easily. I'm an internal fuck. You cast your eye in. I think I rolled before, but I forgot what it was, so I'm going to roll again.

So it's three or four? You can see seven. They're all sleeping. Oh, well, we did such a good job of taking care of them last time, so now that we're weaker, it might be smart enough. Without our weapons. Yeah, I think that's good. Yeah, I'm going to drop down and find them.

I appreciate your... Do we know what they're going to do with us? You imagine they'll eat you. Yeah, I assume they're just hungry. I mean, I'm mostly shell. Yeah, but they've already used their beaks to get into your shell before, and that was bad. Yeah.

That was bad. I remember that and thought it was very bad. Alternatively, I could have that hand throw you up and over the lip, but I can't guarantee the hand's accuracy. I control the hand with my hand, and I don't have a perfect view. Right. I like that idea. I think the hand with my hand And I don't have a perfect view Right I like that idea I think the hand's probably safer I think that is much

That and possibly going up Rather than No, I've got an idea Yeah Oh, wait, no, I can't do that I fucked a magic up No, wait What?

Alright I might actually have an idea For dealing with the terror folk. I can seal them in there. I'm sorry, what? With the ring, I can create a wall of ice. I was trying to think of a... I'd been trying to judge a way to make like a little platform that we could slip up onto the top,

but that's not really how the spell works. The ice would not be sturdy enough. It would just fall away. That's why I only suggested the hand. But I could make the wall of ice and make it. It would just fall away. That's why I only suggested the hand. But I could make the wall of ice and make it over the entrance of their cave. Right, and then we could... Well, it just means that they won't be able to get to us.

Can you do a hand and a wall? Or can I do one thing at a time? What do you mean? Oh, I can do both. All right, all right. Both is better, both is better. I reckon that's a better plan. Fuck it, freeze him in. All right, all right. Both is better, both is better. I reckon that's a better plan. Fuck it, frees him in.

All right. Artis Simber, with his thumb, rubs his finger, and you see, or rubs the ring, I should say, not the finger, and you see him close his eyes and concentrate, and then with a tremendous speed and a cold whooshing air, a wall of ice appears over the entrance to the cave. The terror folk at the edge gives a balk of surprise, but then is smashed between the ice wall and the roof of the cave.

That was deeply satisfying. Blood leaks down the ice. On the other side of the ice wall you hear You're not so fucking clever are you now you winged fucks. Well that costs a little bit of the ring's magic but I've got a lot left.

Give us a throw then. Alright. Cool. Well we'll still need to get ourselves free. The hand can't free us. Oh okay. Who's the most climy? Flask of wine easily wraps himself We still need to get ourselves free. The hand can't free us. Oh, okay. Who's the most climby? Flask of wine easily wraps himself over his own body and clings to the roof like a cat. Right. Flask.

Oh, and then he just with one claw frees himself. Flask of wine starts slowly climbing. Like, it's nothing. Flask of wine looks at you and says, i can get to the top if you wish me to right uh this is just nothing for him as soon as you were like who's the best timing like he can climb the wall here's a climb speed he doesn't need a roll can you could you carry me uh he he moves over to you and leaning in close he you feel like he's sniffing you, but he must be assessing you. He says, I believe I could carry you, yes,

but the other three I cannot. What are you saying? No, it's all right. You're fine. Well, please carry me up, Flask of Wine. Grab on tight. I grab. He cuts off your rope and then climbs you over the lip onto the top.

What can you see, horns? You're in the dead city of Mbala. It's just Mbala. We've been here. Can I see Nanny Poo Poo? You can see her shack in the distance. Nanny Poo Poo's, I think, at home. I can't see her.

I just assume she's in her house. There's nothing around that you could use instead. Yeah, is that like real long bone rope? Real long bone. Nah, that doesn't look like anything usable. It's just ruins. Broken pottery, stones. How the fuck are we going to get our stuff back to?

Climb down, I guess. Oh, are we? Have they literally just picked us straight up from where we were and flown us straight there? You're not sure. Oh, fuck. You've potentially sealed them in with your equipment. You're just not sure. That was a dumb idea.

Whoopsie. Well, it got them off our back for a while. No, I think that was- Worst case scenario, I can dismiss the wall of ice if I wish Alright, no, that's fair At least this way, we're not being attacked and swooped while we free ourselves Flask of wine The ropes that we use to tie us up, does it look like there's enough...

Very short ropes That flask of wine cut Maybe like a foot of rope In total? In total Or in total no no actually each a foot of rope each but both of them have now been cut in half by flask of wine who was just thinking of freedom i could attempt to climb with one of the other three but uh if they are heavier than I anticipate, if a great deal many things, we will both fall to our death. Clearly he can't carry me.

Perhaps this nanny poopoo has rope. We do not need to encounter it legally. I was just about to say, aren't you too good at looking for things that belong to other people and retrieving them from their pockets? I can be quite quiet when I want to be. I mime the word same, implying that i am also very very quiet i'm sorry i did not understand did you say same

i nod you nodding that means yes all right um okay let's go into proper sneak mode. Let's go in. All right. You enter proper sneak mode. Thank you for using. The sound chimes to mark the beginning of proper sneak mode. They're like the screen like changes a little bit. Things look sharper. You know, video games when you're sneaking like there's black and white. Oh, yeah. That happens for me too.

Just in life. You don't have any spells that help with this, do you? Me? No. Yeah. Just checking. No, you don't have any spells that help with this, do you? Me? No, yeah, just checking. No, you don't. Not at all. Just wondering. All right, you and Flosk of Wine are both quiet

and stealthily approach Nanny Poo Poo's shack. Okay, I think what we should do is check if she's in there and then from there either work with speed or sneak. Okay, then. You take one side, I'll take the other. That sounds like a plan, yes. All right, both of you go around either side of Nanny Poo Poo's shack. Flask of wine on one hit point, you won 11.

Oh, fruit loops, I forgot. I should have hit a flush because he came past. Didn't think of that. Was too busy being upside down. How's the lows? High. Lots rushing to your head. Highs?

Yep. Nanny Poo Poo is sitting on a little old rocking chair out the front right next to the door, rocking backwards and forwards. She's knitting something with her hands. As you approach, stealthily, she hasn't spotted you. As you approach, you can see that whatever she's knitting something with her hands. As you approach, stealthily, she hasn't spotted you. As you approach, you can see that whatever she is knitting is oozing blood. But she does have string.

String is not strong enough. No. Is there anything else in her shack that looks like we can... You haven't been in her shack yet. There's only one entrance literally right past her. Oh, we just see her. Okay. Would I be able to-

I'm guessing we're looking through a window or something? No, you're creeping around. You're not inside or outside. Nanny Poop, you are all outside. Yeah. Oh, Nanny Poop is outside too. Yes. Oh.

She's rocking- She's on the porch. Yeah, she's on a porch. So to get in the house, you have to sneak past her in a rocking chair. I'm going to take a risk. I cast sleep. That's such a. That's a terrifying noise.

If this fails, she's seen us and she knows what I was trying to do. And she's malevolent as fuck. This was stupid. My blood was in my head. 5d8. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Fall asleep, nanny poo poo.

Please don't wake up and consume us. Oh my god. I am scared. Go to sleep, nanny poo poo. Don't make us dead. Nanny poo poo Poo, don't make us dead. Nanny Poo Poo does not fall asleep. Oh, fuck. No, no, no, no, no.

Her eyes dart up and look at you. She smiles. A wicked, awful grin. Back for dinner. She leaps to her feet and initiative begins. Oh my god, you are so fucked. Oh no! Alright, you could play as Flask of Wine if you wish.

You're still stealthed. Has she not spotted Flask? No, she hasn't. Flask of Wine hasn't acted. So, Flask of Wine has Phelan Agility, which means that he can move twice his regular speed, but then he needs to get that burst to speed again. He needs to have a break. He attacks twice.

He only has his claws, which do a D4 slashing damage and nothing else. And that's kind of him. You have only magic. You have no weapons. and that's kind of him. You have only magic. You have no weapons. If only Flask of Wine had your green flame blade spell, so then he could do damage.

He can't do damage? He can do damage. He just doesn't do it. You have no formal proper attacks. He does, but your main attack spell requires a formal attack that he has but can't give to you. Does that make sense? You can't give that to him. What if

you distracted Nanny and Flask went inside to look for something useful? Maybe, yeah. Tiffany wouldn't be distracting for long. Oh, no. Flask needs to run. Tiffany, you're first. Find something.

All right. I'm going to... Yep, Flask's going to go inside. So in initiative, I can't try and talk myself out of this now. You can start trying to talk, but it'll take a while. You'll be dodging attacks in the meantime. Oh, you can cast Chill Touch,

which does 2d8 damage. I've also got Witch Bolt, Hellish Rebuke, and Darkness. Oh could cast which bolt yeah i will cast which bolt pray that it hits uh or do i cast sleep again you think nanny poo-poo is too powerful for sleep oh no it was never going to work. No! If you rolled, what's five times eight? Forty. Forty? Yeah. Yeah, it was never going to work.

Oh, I cast Switchbolt then. Oh, okay. But I think it's, oh, no. How close is she to the edge of the mesa? Oh. The electricity crackles across her but does not harm her. With a wave of her hand magically knocks the lightning away from her how close is she to the edge of the mesa very far they had to walk for a

solid like five minutes or something this is fucked this is the most fucked what a stupid thing i've done uh was the plan for Flask to go look for shit? Yeah, I mean, you've only got one hit point, so you can't get involved. Flask's going to go inside and look for something inside the house. Alright, to get your way past Nanny Poo Poo, you could try to

stealth it, but it won't be easy. Or you could just sprint past her at full speed. I'll feel an agility into the house. Alright, you feel an agility into the house. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, What are you looking for in the hut? Just fuck anything that will help this current situation and maybe some rope also. You find rope and a ceremonial looking dagger. It has the handle is made out of a man. Like it's carved to look like a man's body reaching upwards as fire consumes him. How can we stab the bitch with that?

I take the rope, well, Flask takes the rope and the dagger. Alright. Then, well, that's, you still have 30 feet of movement. You could get back to Tiffany now if you wanted to. You could even hand her the dagger. I'd like to run back to Tiffany and hand her the dagger. Alright.

You do so. Tiffany, you have a dagger. Now it is Nanny Poo-Poo's turn. Oh no. Nanny Poo-Poo snaps her fingers and in a language that you do not understand, issues a command.

There is, outside Nanny Poo-Poo's hut, you hadn't thought too much of it until this happens, but there is freshly turned dirt. A hand explodes out of the dirt. Son of a bitch. And slowly climbing out of the dirt, a golem made of flesh, like something out of Frankenstein's monster. Ooh, yucky ew the creature climbs out and obviously under the direction of nanny poopoo ambles towards you nanny poopoo herself

casts a spell upon you tiffany you hear whispering in your ear, your father doesn't love you. And now, a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that you could hear a cartoon review show about the worst cartoons in history, then do I have news for you. Cynical Cartoons is a show by mia with a rich list of guests from all across sans pants and beyond where they as my dad calls it waste time when they could be digging another

more useful trench so if you like the sound of that or if you want to know why my dad has an actual moat around his place of business then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for cynical cartoons. I cry hot tears. You take five points of damage. Still alive, buddy. Tiffany, you think you need a leg it, maybe. Is it really that bad? It doesn't look good. Well, when she uses the, I'm guessing it's like taunting.

Vicious mockery? Vicious mockery, yeah. It's like taunting the- Vicious mockery? Vicious mockery, yeah. Can I use my uncanny dodge? Why? As a reaction to being attacked. Oh, I see.

Sorry, I forget uncanny dodge works different here. Can I hear your father doesn't and essentially go, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la? Sure, I'll allow it. Doesn't live on this mesa. You only take two points of damage then. Alright. Well, Tiffany, it's your turn. I leg it, but I'll keep

the dagger. Alright, you turn tail and run. And Flask, you don't think you can survive this fight? No, I can. I want to punch her with the rope. I'm kidding. We're going to run. You sprint off into the dead city of Mbala,

stalking through the streets where potentially Nanny Poo Poo has hunted before. We're not going back to the... Why would you run back? They'd be hot on your heels. They'd be attacking you while you're getting your friends flask of wine says we should hide okay well we're quite good at hiding so let's hide

maybe i'll let the mesa what the fuck is taking them so fucking long you try ducking and dodging and weaving in between the the many different broken and dilapidated buildings the entire time you can hear FLASH FLASH the golem mumbling and charging behind you when you pass a column or a broken wall

it breaks through it, knocking it apart, you can also see bolts of green magical energy shooting around you from nanny poopoo firing occasionally you hear again your father doesn't love you but you're you ignore it completely he never did so this can't hurt me We'd actually hurt more if it was, he does love you You fall at one point, Tiffany You hit the muck and mud, turning over to see the golem

Stumbling towards you, moving at a rapid pace You feel like a deer in the headlights If that expression meant anything in a medieval society You're just frozen. And then something firm grabs your arm and drags you away. You look up to see flask of wine drag you into a small little alcove underneath a house where it was once maybe a basement. But is now just a room full of muck and mud underneath a stone building. The golem stamps past you but doesn't see you.

Nanny Poo Poo is nowhere to be seen. Flask of Wine and you are standing in water up to your shoulders. You can feel your feet in the muck, in the mud beneath you, slowly sinking. Flask of wine has a hand over your mouth. The golem continues to search for you. So are we sinking? Just a little bit. Just up to your knees.

You were going to say, just a little bit. Just up to your knees. I was about to say up to your knees. But I did mean to say ankles. Just up to your knees. I was about to say up to your knees, but I did mean to say ankles. Just up to your ankles, then it stops. It's not like quicksand or anything. Oh, okay, good, good, good. That was just to give it a little bit of gravity, you know, zhuzh it up.

Anyway. It's a local color to it. Yeah. Ooh. Flask of wine. Slowly, just one finger at a time time takes his paw off your mouth and you're both standing there in the muck and in the water as i'm so quiet i'm the most quiet i've ever been

my thoughts even quiet i'm the most quiet I've ever been My thoughts even quiet I'm not even thinking anything just in case I have very quiet thoughts At one point you hear the golem Slowly walking Right over you His footsteps ring out On the stone

And ancient wooden slats above you. It creaks, and you're afraid that it might collapse under his pressure. One of his footsteps, you notice, is significantly softer than the other. The other one is loud and with a good wet flump when it hits the ground. And you realize through little bars of light in the morning sun shining down, you realize that one of his feet is far larger than the other, swollen for some strange reason. When you catch a slightly good glimpse of him through a large hole in the slats, you can see stitches all over his body you can tell that he is made out of many different creatures all sewn together he sounds fun oh i i avoid thinking about

it just to stay quiet when he stands at the edge at the cusp of where a massive hole in the floor gives way to this basement, and if he were to just look underneath him, he would see both of you cowering there. When he's standing there, you realize that the discrepancy between his footsteps is because one of his feet is large and green and orcish, and the other one is small and cloven-hooved, that of a tiefling. Oh, no. Oh, no, I think to myself very quietly.

It's footsteps, but it sounds so dumb. Splop, splop, splop. Flash. He turns around and walks away. After some some time you think the coast is clear flask of wine let's go off you fucking hell okay so it's been about an hour since it left right plus oh an hour you do not have that much time to wait Oh okay You maybe wait 15 minutes with no sound And Flask of Wine says

Perhaps it is safe to return now Okay but we should sneak the entire way there Oh I thought that that was just assumed Oh thank god okay let's go No let's make as much noise as Let's play the drums Let's be the sneakiest sneaky cats all right you get back to the edge for some reason flask of wine is just fucking great at stealth but you suck

dicks just saying you've just been rolling absolute garbage flask of wine could have lost them a lot faster than you did i don't know know why. You have double his bonus. You've just been rolling less than like six, whereas he has not been rolling less than 17. I'm quite shaken. Well, fair. Savannah, you just got told your dad doesn't love you twice and then saw your leg on something's body. It was rough.

By the time, Tiffany, you and Flask of Wine get back to the edge, you feel exhausted, tired, and afraid. You feel so tired and afraid. One level of exhaustion, tired and afraid. It's then that you realize something's wrong. You are sick.

Oh, no. Did one of her spells get me? You don't know. Am I still holding the dagger? Yes. Hmm. Well, that seems to be the only thing that's changed, so... You're also in dirty water for a very long time.

Yeah. Oh, hmm. What has changed is you now have a ceremonial dagger, and you now have 15 extra minutes in dirty disgusting stagnant water flask of wine are you feeling okay uh i feel fine it's probably the knife i didn't drink the water unless flask of wine just made his con saving throw you didn't drink the water no but you were flop you were initially dragged into it also you have multiple open wounds oh the wounds okay yep no that checks okay your fucking face hole oh my entire hole

did it there's just no way to prevent water from splashing into your mouth okay did i taste the water did it taste you definitely did okay well i probably is it is it reasonable to think that i figured it out because the bad water got into me and tasted feral? You don't know. It's just a reasonable assumption. Reasonable assumption, yeah? Yeah. Okay, I keep the dagger.

Cool, cool, cool. Okay, can we use the rope to bring everyone up? Yes, you can. Everyone is slowly freed one by one. Good work, horns. You look like shit. You looked like shit before, but you look like a special kind of shit now.

Well, it's like we're family. I think I'm sick. I detect disease and poison. Some might say as the spell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I just look at you. You detect...

I take my fake eye out, look at you with my hole, put the eye back in, and that's how I do detect poison and disease. Gross. All right, you do so, and when you remove... Are you seeing through your eye hole? Yes. When you remove the eye and you look at her through the eye hole, you see highlighted in little haze through your spell. You can see tiny little translucent worms in her throat.

You know it's throat leeches. Right. Minuscule parasites. Cool. What is it? Oh, wait. Fuck. I don't think I can do anything for you right now, either.

Ah, dear. I'm going to need a rest. Yeah, you don't have a rest of restoration ready. I can't use my rest of restoration. Okay. You're sick. I'm not going to tell you what with. Why? Because you've

been through enough today. I can help you, but not at the moment. I've got to rest up a bit. I'm a little bit fucked. Okay, okay. You're probably not going to die. Okay. She's not going to die.

It's not going to kill her immediately. It'll take a couple days to kill her. I actually say exactly that. You won't die straight away. It'll take a couple of days, so you'll be fine. I look like I'm about to throw up and I start weeping. I don't cry, but... I just got to get off this rock.

In this moment, right here, right now, you suffer a breaking point. No. What does that mean? What is happening? Adam is frantically flicking through a book. He looks so happy. He looks gleeful. No, that's never good for us.

I can see his tears of joy from here. He's biting his face like he's hungry for adventure. But it's not. It's Miz's adventure. He's rolling some dice now. You can't speak. You just can't talk maybe tiffany you justify this as a symptom of the throat leeches in your mind even though you haven't been told this

but you well yeah you haven't even really been told what you have truly but yeah, you just can't speak until this disease has been cured, Tiffany. You are struck mute. That's really weird. Muteness isn't a symptom of whatever you've got. I just start wordlessly weeping. Again, just tears rolling down. There's nothing else to do. weeping. Again, just tears rolling down. There's nothing else to do.

Artis Simber, who has just helped himself up, puts a steady hand on your shoulder. It feels a bit comforting. Oh, thank Christ. I wasn't sure what I was going to do then. I look up at Artis Simber and I guess I keep weeping.

Artis Simber brings you into a bear hug. I hug back. I hug back. I hug back. What does it smell like? Can I guess? Wood smoke. Honeysuckle.

What's honeysuckle? Tenderness or concern. Wood smoke was devotion. Oh, that's for God, though. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Devotions for God only. Hopelessly devoted to God.

Smash Olivia Newton-John song. So. Can we go to bed? I can't even ask. It's daytime. I want to go to bed. Can we not sleep in the day? We can sleep during the day, but that would potentially mean travelling. It just might mean staying up here for quite some time.

Additionally, we do not have our equipment, so what are we eating? We'll eat flask. I'm kidding, flask. I'm not going to eat you. Flask bulks. Can I make like a little mime, a charade rather? I bring my arm up to make the shape of the fancy mound. fancy cigarette cigarette yeah no no no no the fancy one we're on mesa mesa the mesa oh actually i'm walking down the mesa you can see well actually you can see now a couple

of things both you've been here long enough that you will notice that there is a hole down here in the mesa like a like a chute a chimney of sorts it doesn't look like it just looks like naturally occurring but from the terrified squawking and squealing you can hear echoing up from it you can tell that it leads to the terror folk nest hey artist can you seal another hole with ice i I think I can do one better. Artist says, Oh, yeah? I think I'm going to conjure a little ice animal down there, just to give them something to do.

I haven't said this enough, but sometimes you are not a complete fuckwit. Artist leans down, looks down the hole, and he says, Can I get a light, please? Just so I can see when I'm casting this spell i just like i can look at him with a look of do i look like i have pockets bruh can i do thermaturgy to just yeah you can make a little light yeah you illuminate a section of the like

with a a little flash of light and in that flash of light, Arda Simber conjures an animal down there. All you see is white, shaggy mane that sparkles in the light, like it's made out of crystalline glass or ice. Then in the flash, it's gone, and you hear... and terrified squawking. How long will we have to wait for that thing to do its job?

I would just wait until things go quiet, I suppose. All right, let's sit here and wait for things to go quiet. I nod. I'd like to assume that the little... Do I know enough about terror folk to know that they keep stuff they find on people? Yeah, you know a bit about them. There's a good chance that they picked up your stuff. Cool.

We'll wait and then we'll go down. They're like sentient creatures. They know that your stuff is worth things. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They like have a concept of a sword is a good thing to own. Or in your case, a hammer and a circle, maybe. Hammer and a circle, good thing to own.

I'll make that clear'll make that clean good good we wait after maybe 30 seconds the noises die down and you hear like a like a artist symbol looks at each of you and says the ghost ghost is clear. I point at Flask. Flask ambles down the hole. So small creatures, which none of you are, can get down there easily. Medium creatures cannot be wearing armor if they climb down. It's too tight, which would unfortunately strike out you, Pop, from ever going down that hole. Something hurts inside Pop that no one knows about. Oh, baby. I just want to go down holes like a big gopher card card no that i parked that out front so after a little while flask of wine artisemra maybe also goes down just for good measure artist sembra

and flask of wine climb back up flask of wine looks a little bit shocked at whatever he saw down there and when artist sembra comes back up you have all of your equipment back uh again if i haven't said this enough i've never said it once so i'll thank you no no worries whatsoever i give a big nod as i get handed back my things we're all in this together i suppose i you also gain six gold a silver dagger and a potion of greater healing which is just looted equipment great potion help tiffany yeah from with her no it's not gonna oh not with the throat leeches, no. But someone should drink it. Maybe. No, I'll give it to you.

Oh, but I, like, hand it toward Flask of Wine, who has been through a lot and has done so much. Okay. You give it to Flask? I was this close to taking it off him and giving it back to you, but I can't be bothered. Maybe we can sleep in the cave. Well, we can get down there, but a good friend cannot.

Yes. It would be perfect otherwise, you're right. I'll way up here. I'll keep watch. Are you certain? Yes. Maybe one person should stay up here. Or like a roster, a cycled roster or something.

Sure. I'll take first watch. Someone come up, leave me off the watch. I'll go in my little shell and have a nap. All right. Well, I suppose that's..., relieve me of the watch. I'll go in my little shell and have a nap. All right. Well, I suppose that's, I can think of worse plans. I put up my fingers in a two sign to say second watch. Teeferty, I don't mean to be awful, but if something happens, how will you alert people that something's going on?

I look down in shame and then nod and make a sleepy motion with my hands. Good call. I walk down the hall. When you get down there, you notice that Artis Simber has removed the wall of ice. Dangerous. Are there corpses around? Yes, there are a terrafoag here.

Seven, I believe it was. They are mangled. Whatever was down here and fought them did not leave a lot. Well, as I'm sort of trying to... I would like to collect some skin so that I... What? They were sentient creatures? All right, you're collecting some Terrafolk skin.

Cool. Are you effectively... Is that like collecting, I don't know, halfling skin? Yes, yes, yes it is. I'm trying to make a little mask so I don't look so awful. Out of another... You're Hannibal Lecter-ing yourself. This is good. This is very good.

Is it quite bad? Is that a faux pas? It's not great making skin out of another creature and then wearing it like that. Oh man, leather belts. Leather anything. All I'm thinking of is leather. This is a bit different. You're, like, putting it over your skin.

It's a bit different. What color are you, Tiffany? Because they are mottled brown. Oh, it's not going to look. It's not going to look. Yeah. Oh, I forgot that I'm so beautifully blue. You could try painting it, but you obviously just can't do that now.

I have traveler's clothes. Well, okay. Well, if it's a bit morbid to do, then I won't do it. I guess actually it would look worse if you just had the open wound. Plus, if you made the leatherwork mask, you could keep water out of your mouth. Yeah, I'm just trying to- And you could take it on and off, Phantom of the Opera style. There's so many options.

You could do that if you wanted to. Can you try to make the mask out of like a beak part? No. I just- All I wanted to do was like protect myself and give myself a bit of normalcy, but I did forget- Actually, no, it would be clever to do

just to stop yourself. If it rains, water's getting in your mouth and you're going to get- There's a chance of disease. Okay, well, I'll- We'll get you a cool're going to get... There's a chance of disease. Okay. Well, I'll... We'll get you a cool mask when we get back to Port Nines, Ari. Do I have anything in my leatherworking kit? Like, do I have spare leather that I can use instead?

Because I was just assuming I wouldn't have any. Well, you won't have any leather that's blue. Oh, I don't... I just need something. Is there something in my bag? Hives or lows? Hives. You just kind of feel weird about using the face of another creature on your face.

You have leather, but not enough. Not enough to cover the hole. Use the face. Okay, I use skin of the sapient beings. I feel bad doing it, but I know that I got disease from water, so. You create a workable mask. It covers half of your face, and you make little leather straps that you can tie around your head. You look, in my head, you look like

Mankind, the wrestler. The weird, like, fucking um, it was like a weird I think he had a whole face mask though, so I imagine like Mankind, but Phantom of the Opera. Google Mankind wrestler. See, there's a picture of him with his helmet on. Yeah, that doesn't

look inaccurate. If you're playing at home mankind wrestler and it's phantom of the opera yeah that's what i'm imagining you look like now yeah you're instantly cooler oh i don't feel cool i'm wearing someone else's skin but well i'll wait till i find some other skin and maybe get some blue on it. You rest like this. Artist Simbra, when he climbs down, maybe he notices you eyeballing the wall. And he says, I wish to clean up after myself. I don't want anyone noticing.

If anyone finds out that where... I have people tracking me, trying to get a hold of the Ring of Winter. He gestures to the ring that he's been using. It's a very sought after item, both by the Wizards of Thay and also by the giants that are stomping around here. Both of them would love to get their hands on it, I'm sure, and I'm just trying to keep it out of their hands. Neither of them are nice folk, and I don't want them... folk and i don't want them it's a very powerful magical artifact that i came by not through not without more than a little bit of struggle and strife i would be loathe to give it to anyone and i would not give it to them i give a big slow nod um and if he starts cleaning i start joining in and helping now this uh he with a wave he's dismissed it all, so it's not an issue.

He finishes by saying, I'm sorry I didn't trust you with that information. I want to believe in the better nature of the human soul, of the mortal soul, but time and time again, I'm proved wrong. I do the best that I can to smile. Hold up. Is Ardecember immortal? Ardecember sits down I can to smile. Hold up. Is Artis Simba immortal? Artis Simba sets down and goes to sleep.

I didn't hear any of that. That's so annoying. No, you did not. He's immortal. His city that he's been fucking, he's been looking for his wife for a long time, trying like a thousand years probably. Oh, no. He's ageless and sexless.

Oh, the worst combo. He's only been sexless for the last thousand years. Oh, my God. That basically counts. Is Dragon Bait also immortal? No, probably not. How many Dragon Baits have there been? How many Dragon Baits have there been?

That'd be ridiculous. Dragon Bait. have there been? How many Dragon Baits have there been? Don't be ridiculous. Dragon Bait... Yeah, anyway. 31. You heal 31 hit points, Tiffany. And pop. You recover 59 hit points. Hey, that's pretty good. You're on 72.

So, yeah, you're alright. I want to just kill wounds on myself. Oh, you want to 72. So, yeah, you're alright. I want to use Cure Wounds on myself. Aww. You want to help out your old pal? You're down in a hole. I can't get in. I'm not using a level 2 spell. I'll help you out when you come back out of the hole.

Oh, that's true. Alright, you're going to use Cure Wounds to fix yourself up a bit more? Yeah, thanks, Davin. You recover another 11 hit points, which I think bolts you... One off. Yeah, one off. Alright. My bad. The day passes. It's now night time. I emerge from the hole and

sit patiently in front of Pop. You're on two levels of exhaustion, Tiffany. Why am I on two? Because the disease progressed. Oh, right, the disease. Oh, no. Alright. I'm gonna fix it, so do, the disease. Oh, no. All right. I'm going to fix it, so do you want to know what it is? I nod.

Pop, you don't want to dawdle because, you know, that terror folk nest was too large to have just seven. There's way more, maybe a couple dozen, and you know the terror folk will come back at sundown to roost, and it is sundown now. All right. We should get going. You've got throat leeches. I cast lesser restoration.

Okay. And then we should fuck off because those birds will be back. That's a lot of information at once. So I just follow you after feeling a bit better, I hope. Tiffany, you no longer have throat leeches you're still two levels of exhaustion but you are no longer sick that's all i just my eyes get wide as soon as he says throat leeches and they do not narrow no you still can't talk uh oh no you can talk now yeah what Leeches of the throat. We need to move.

We don't have time to discuss the nuances of parasites in your neck. They're gone. It's fine. Let's go. Come on. Let's move. Let's move. Scurry after, Pop.

All right. Are you going to move through the night? We've got to get. Yes. Tiffany has dark vision, but you do not, I don't think. Yeah, I do. Oh, you do? Yeah. Yeah, but I can't see Pop.

No one can see me if they have dark vision. So you do. Can I grab onto one of Pop's belts? Okay. Unless Pop doesn't want that. Well, so... Yeah. I go to flick you off the belt, stop, sigh very loudly internally,

and then keep going. Okay. Turtle dad. Turtle dad. Do you say that out loud? No. Because I will throw you off this mesa. I will yeet you into, what's it called?

Embalmer. Yeet you into next week. I'm going to yeet you off chult. Dragonbait and artists do not have darkvision, so um, they will need to rely on a source of light. Neither of you have a light

spell, do you? Uh, no, but I have a lantern. Okay. Well, you light a lantern. Hey, we still have that rope. We can just all be connected by a rope. That's not a bad idea. Mm, it might still be difficult in the dark. they'd be a lot slower i have torches as well uh they have equipment to light they'll they'll use their equipment so artisembra is holding a lantern as you guys bob through the dark no actually yeah no he is no dragon bait would just for combat purposes it'll it's easier for Dragonbait to lose access to a hand than it is for him.

Oh, and Flask of Wine's there. Forgot. Flask of Wine has darkvision. Yeah. Can I ask Artis about his ring? What do you say? I just want to, just purely from my practical, archaeological, historical sense, but where the fuck did you get that ring?

Artus looks you up and down and... I'm not asking you as a bastard. I'm asking you as an archaeologist. I am genuinely interested in your ring, okay? It's been a lot of growth today. He's going to backslide very quickly, probably. I found it here in the jungles of chult many many years ago it's also where i met my wife i have a long history with chult just not much with the jungle itself right as you said um how many years is many the

ring allows the wearer to live a longer than normal lifespan. Are you fucking kidding me? How old are you? I'm not sure. To be honest, I've lost track. Do you know... Never mind. When you found the ring, was it like a temple or a space where you may potentially find other artefacts of similar value?

I came across the ring at a way shrine. Just a small, unremarked way shrine. I must have said the right words or done the right thing because a little latch opened and the ring was deposited into my hands. When you eventually die, we'll talk about bequeathment. Let's rock and roll. At the rate I've been aging, I feel unless unnatural death comes for me, I do not think you will outlive me.

Well, we're in the jungles of Chult, mate, and as you said, you're not familiar with them as well as you are. So in the jungles of Chult, life expectancy doesn't count for nothing. Look, fair point. If you die before me, I'd like the ring. If I die before you, you can have my jug. It's a deal. He reaches over with his hand.

I shake it. All right. He makes that deal with you. Art of Simbra. I'm kidding. You're going to kill him. Art of Simbra seems to take a morbid humor it's like a gallows humor sort of thing for him it seems yeah can't wait to kill

artist simba later no i'm not a murderer but you are an archaeologist and that does belong in a museum i've got a note here that says nice blank blank, it would look better in my museum, which I think you said the other week. Nice ring, it would look better in my museum. Look better on my hand going into a display case. If you do die, can I have your arm as well to display the ring? Why would you wish my arm to display the ring? I don't know.

This is the last owner of such and such a ring. He lived for a long time. Ring could make snow turn into monsters. I don't fucking know. Look, how about we discuss it when it comes to it? All right, all right, all right. Let's not think too much about what that must mean. Are you still holding onto my belt?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have not let go. I do not know where you are if I let go. There's a lantern. Nah, I'm still holding on. You hear a crashing through the swamp coming towards you. Flask of Wine's eyes avert towards the noise. You see his eyes narrow, and then he says immediately, he points towards a large hollow log that you guys walked past a moment ago and says, quickly, inside.

Do what he says. Flask of Wine sprints. He's not waiting for anyone else. I push it with them, and I go into my shell and pretend to be a rock. I assume this thing might have dark vision hopefully. Tiffany, when you, Flask of Wine, Art of Sembra and Dragonbait

are all inside the log. Can I fit in the log? Yeah. It's big. Okay, cool. I'm going to go in the log then. Okay, cool. Flask of Wine was just going to look out at you and Tiffany, you were just going to hear him go. I was going to die.

So do you know what an allosaurus is? Yeah, it's a dinosaur, Adam. Oh, it's a hungry dinosaur. What food could this hungry dinosaur want? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Chalked. access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and content. Once again, that's SantsPantsPlus.com. for nerds plus the symbol not the word where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to sans pants plus members the further adventures of the grey hill free company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests and dnd is for nerds not of not where all our non-canon dnd adventures go to rest just search for dnd is for nerds on your favorite podcast app choice

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