D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #15 Orolunga

Episode Date: October 26, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio. The sun never sets on the Underdark. Welcome to Season 1, Episode 15 of Zombie Plagued Chult. If you can get yourself free, I might be able to move you. When you say move, what do you mean exactly? What the fuck does this ring of winter do? What can you see, horns? You're in the dead city of Mbala. It's just Mbala. We've been here.

Can I see Nanny Poo Poo? You can see her shack up distance. The many different broken and dilapidated buildings. The entire time you can hear... Flash! Flash! Run us up something! The golem mumbling and charging behind you. Everyone is slowly freed one by one.

Good work, horns. Oh, um... You look like shit. What if you distracted Nanny and Flask right inside to look for something useful? Maybe, yeah. Tiffany wouldn't be distracting for long. Oh, no. Flask needs to run.

Is Dragonbait also a mortal? No, probably not. How many Dragonbaits have there been? So, do you know what an allosaurus is? Yeah, it's a dinosaur, Adam. Cowering in the tree trunk, you see sprinting away from three allosaurus are three also giant lizards,

big giant geckos. All of these creatures are larger than horses. The geckos are sprinting these creatures are larger than horses. The geckos are sprinting almost like barely touching the swamp. Their large wide paws quickly moving across the water just like bare tippy toes

touches. The allosaurus are sprinting behind them in pursuit. Obviously, a hunt is happening. Nice pickup, Flask. Provided you do nothing nothing the allosaurus catch the giant lizards and feed upon them one of the allosaurus looks up and sees you in the giant log it stalks over towards you and flask of wine retreats deeper into the log saying they will not chase us in here.

Not that they have food. All of you press yourselves deep into the log. The Allosaurus sticks its snout in and tries to come after you, but it's a very, like, as soon as the Allosaurus realizes that you guys are a bit too deep for it, it brings its face back out and then goes back to the lizards that they caught. Oh, good. They feed, finish, and leave.

What colors are lizards? They were green. What color were the allosaurs? Allosaurs? They were a beautiful, vibrant blue. Oh, no. Let's go after the allosaurs. No, just kidding. They were probably, I don't know know what colors are they here brown mottled green yeah can i grab like some lizard scales to maybe

make a better face thing that's not made out of a person sure i grabbed the bluest green ones there are you do the best job you can but they're vibrant green. Obviously meant to blend in with the lush greens of Chult. It looks a lot nicer. Yeah, I'll wear that. I'll keep the other one. Lizard skin is definitely better than sentient creature skin. Yeah, I bury the sentient creature skin. Cool.

And I use the nice green one as, like, just another thing. Am I able to at least make it symmetrical? Like am I able to get like two scales and make like a little face mask so it just looks a bit more nice? Oh, you mean like do it on both sides of your face? Yeah. So it looks like a whole like chin-jaw combination thing. Yeah.

Can I make it look like if the scales are big enough, can I put one on each side to make it look a bit armoury? Sounds like a faceplate. Yeah, so I got one scale on each side. Not really, unfortunately. It kind of just looks like what it is, a half mask. That's alright.

But it looks intentional. Yeah, well, it always would look intentional. No one's going to look at that and be like, how did she accidentally get that on her face? I know what you mean. It looks like a cool fashion accessory rather than something covering up a horrible, horrible hole in your face. It looks like something I've worn as a choice.

It's hard to disguise it from what it is. Yeah. There's no fashion that puts... Does it help? Maybe a little bit. Then I do it. You make the edges look a little bit nicer. You make it look more...

It fits contours to your face very well, but it's obvious what it's covering. Some deformity. Okay, I do it on both sides, so I just feel a bit more even. It just seems stranger to me. Really? Yeah, could you imagine two cheeks covered like that? I don't know, it looks strange to me.

I guess maybe you try to incorporate it into a helmet. Yeah, like I'll grab a bunch of scales and try and... All right, you incorporate it into a helmet. Big scaly helmet. That wouldn't look so weird. A helmet with cheek guards. Yeah. Nice hat.

Thank you. The sun rises. You've marched through the night. You're getting tired, but it feels weird to rest during the day. What do you want to do? Well, we could just keep walking and try and rest a bit later. I guess we've sort of ruined our sleep cycle a bit. Maybe only just now.

At the end of your day, night, I guess. Ordeal? Yeah, at the end of this ordeal. Now that you you put some distance between you and mbala you take time to consider the uh in the daylight just now you saw structures from mbala they were the giant stone ziggurat to the west which maybe is oralonga you have to hope. And to the east, you see a giant rock floating in the air. What? Wait, wait.

Floating fucking rock. Yes. Sorry. I'll get you a picture. Do we know what the rock is? Probably not. It looks like a heart. Can we see the bats that are flying out of the tree?

You might see like, yeah, you know what? Sure. Yeah, you see the bats. Okay, so to describe it, it literally looks like a heart. Human heart, not, like, shape heart. No, yeah, so like the organ rather than the emoticon, but also maybe like a sweet potato cut in half. Yeah, but the big arteries are hollowed out tree trunks

and they have bats flying out of them. Yeah, and there's steps and a tunnel and some grass. I'm looking it up right now. Actually, maybe you do know what it is. Oh. Oh, you might. I might, yeah. You're from these parts.

Yeah, you know what it is. I'm from around these parts. It's called the Heart of Ubtal. Oh, that's why it looks like a heart. Yes. Because it is a heart. Oh. Cholten's call it the Heart of Ubtal.

Well, obviously because it's very heart-shaped. And the petrified tree adds the impression of veins and arteries. Yeah. The dripping red liquid is rainwater. So there's like a dripping red liquid rainwater that comes out of it. Oh, is that just dyed by the clay? You're not sure. Oh, that's sus.

There's certainly, well, obviously there's magic about it. It's just a floating rock, guys. It's like the moon. The moon's not magical. Yeah. It is very magical. Chultons who've seen the earth moat believe it's actually the petrified heart of the god Ubtau, and they consider it sacred.

Priests of Ubtau used to travel here on the backs of flying dinosaurs Decades, not decades, centuries past To seek visions inside the heart and beseech Ubtau to return I guess we like, after the Allosaurus bit We're kind of like getting our shit together And talking about we're going to press on through the day Until we die Until nightfall And I guess I'm like

Explain all the things that I was just explained to the group, mainly to Tiffany. Okay. So we shouldn't climb it. It's sacred. I don't fucking know. You're asking me, a man who climbs inside sacred places all of the time, whether we should climb something sacred.

You're not sure how you'd get up there without being able to fly. I can fly. The hand, stepping stone. Yeah. able to fly. I can fly. The hand? Steppingstone? Yeah. Oh, mate. You can fly? The rock is significantly higher than that.

Okay. Let's get kidnapped by terror folk and convince them to take us there. But first, we should probably go to- Let's go to the ziggurat, I reckon. Arda Simber seems to already know about it as this flask of wine. But Dragonbait, maybe Arda Simber explains it to him as you're traveling. Anyway, so it's daytime, like I said. You're kind of exhausted. Do you want to keep pushing on?

It'd be weird to travel at night and maybe more dangerous. Night is dangerous. Why don't we just travel slowly? Take it easy, but still travel. With lots of breaks, I'm still pretty tired. You're still both going to take eight. As your throat, from where the leeches were, the throat leeches that were infecting your throat.

Yes, I'm sorry. I thought about my throat, and then I thought about my mouth, and now I'm sad. My throat's okay, though. I'm fine. All the best people are missing shit they should have. Look. And I smack the back of my head so my eye falls out,

and then I put it back in. Oh, my God. Like, to myself, that's so nice and familiar. I've turned around at this point. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just taking this as a nice moment. You will still take a level of exhaustion traveling during the daytime? Well, maybe we should just – Illing during the day time Maybe we should just

I'm feeling really tired Maybe we should just rest We can sleep at night But if we just rest so we're not tired What about we just stay where we are For 24 hours Or not 24 hours For 12 hours

And then sleep Can we like kind of explore the area a little bit Without travelling away Maybe try to get some food You can do that yeah Just take a rest day Sleep at night Can we like kind of explore the area a little bit without travelling away, maybe try to get some food? You can do that, yeah. Just take a rest day, sleep at night. Yeah.

Maybe we'll use this time to ask people about their backstories. I don't know. Are you able to give us anything to drink with your magical pot? Oh, it's a jug. Sorry. I'll let it off this time. What do we feel like? Beer, mayonnaise, fresh water.

I'm guessing you want fresh water. I just think that would be better. All right, fresh water coming up. I deal out fresh water from my magical, magical jug. Adam's rolled some dice and is now reading. So he's not paying attention to what we're doing, which means he's focused on... Something bad happening to us. Probably murder.

Probably murder. The night passes uneventfully. Or the day. The day. Passes uneventfully. I wonder who's taking first watch. I reckon I will. Did we...

I've already grilled Ardis about the... You can ask him anything else if you want. Do you know what? I'm really intrigued taking first watch. I reckon I will. Did we? I've already grilled artists about that. You can ask them anything else if you want. Do you know what? I'm really intrigued to know more. So, like, if you're so old you don't remember, where are you from originally? Again, purely from an academic perspective, you belong in a museum.

Get a Good Boy card. That was funny. Finally. We've had so many good boy card free sessions. I think between sessions, you guys have been losing good boy cards. I reckon just both of you draw an extra good boy card. But you got to mark them down. This is the last freebie.

All right. What did you want to ask? Oh, you asked Simra where he came from. Originally, I was born on the sword coast traveled here uh been to and from the outer regions of chult not too many times but uh i've been i come to the jungles sometimes just not very often and i don't travel very far when i do i kind of know where i want to go although recently i've been getting impatient i suppose uh waiting for the return of my beloved and i've uh been searching a little bit deeper into the jungle recently of late i uh i was told that there was a a wise woman uh that i could speak to somewhere somewhere in the western part. Somewhere, and she'd tell you the thing that you were looking for?

Yes. Right. Yeah, that's why we might be going there too. Yes, I had suspicions, but I didn't know it was Orolonga. All I know about Orolonga is that it is abandoned, but potentially not. Maybe there's some magic about it. It's in the middle of the fucking Schulte jungle.

There's more than just some magic about it. Let me give you the hot tip. It certainly would not be the first settlement to disappear. How long have you been looking for? Wait a minute. Adam. Yeah. I'm trying to remember a detail.

I know about the mysterious, possibly Atlantis-style place that Artis' beloved is from. Mesro. Mesro. Mesro, but I think it's a story. You've only heard of it, like, as fables or whatever. You don't know it to be true. Or you don't know if it's true. No, but is that enough of a detail for me to be like, oh.

Oh, what? Can I just ask him? Ask him what? So, you're telling me that it's real? Yes, it certainly is. I've laid eyes upon it. I've laid eyes upon it when it was in its splendor, and I've laid eyes upon it in its current state.

I defended it. Now that the cards are all on the table, I defended it against an evil necromancer, an evil necromancer by the name of, oh, hang on, wait. I should just know this off the top of my head, but the pronunciation can often, you know, bedevil me. Yeah, you check that gigantic hardcover book you carry around everywhere. Ras Nasi. Ras Nasi.

You've heard that name before, actually. Ras Nasi is like a cursed word spoken from the lips of adventurers who journeyed too deep into Chult. He's a necromancer yaunty worshipping foul gods. He's kind of like a local boogeyman sort of thing. You know that he is responsible for many of the ills that plague Chult. Like the undead that are all throughout Chult are often attributed to him. I'm going to have to fight him. I just know it, Adam. I just know it in my heart.

This is what Cooper, Louie and Quash have beefs with. Yeah, yeah. Snake Johnson. Well, there you go. You are basically a myth. Hmm. I can assure you I'm quite real. No, no, I know, I know.

When you die, can I put you in a museum as well? I don't care what you do with my body once I'm dead. Great. That is the best compliment you can get from him. What? That, no, I'm sorry. I'll take first watch. All right, then. the best compliment you can get from him. What? That- I'm sorry. I'll take first watch.

All right, then. Unless you have questions you want to ask people. I don't care about Flask's background. I assume he's just a cat. How incredibly rude yet accurate. I am going to spend this time writing a letter to Sister Sias. You do so. I can't post it right now, but... Clearly.

The post offices here are few and far between. I just want to write one for her, you know. The night then it just wouldn't seem possible for me to get another encounter.

And yet- Do you know what I like is that I managed to get Artis to put all of his cards on the table. He knows very little about both of us still. He should know very little about us. I know. It's good. He's too trusty. There's part of me that wants to rob him, but he has a ring that makes a lion. Oh, we want to keep him around.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to get that ring, though. What are... Who are you two? I like how you're constantly like, he's gone out of his way to help you. And it's just like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. He's dumb. He's a mistake. He's a fool. I'm a cantankerous asshole and Tiffany's

Tiffany. So, like, why would you be hanging out with us he's a sunbeam yeah tiffany's a little blue sunbeam and hey don't look cass sorry pass cover your ears 11 adult hadrosaurus with six young pass through they move through the camp basically but quietly raising as they go. Just watch them. Give them like a nod. I understand them. They are dinosaurs and do not know what you are doing.

Yeah, but I do. And that's all that matters, Adam. Anyway, night passes. So you witness like a beautiful flock of some sort of dinosaur. Yep. Cool. I deserve good things, Cass, because I'm a good man. All right.

Chaotic good, if you will. All right. So how's everybody feeling this morning? How am I feeling? You better, Horne. Much better. Everyone feels completely healed and well-rested. Unfortunately, Flask of Wine overturns your food bag and says, we are running low.

Well, then, we might. Resources are feeling a little thin. Well, perhaps we can have some mayonnaise to tide us over. Gross. Well, then, if you don't like mayonnaise, what about honey? Honey sounds nice. Or vinegar. Honey sounds nice.

Great. Mayonnaise it is. No. Did you really? Mayonnaise. Honey's the best one. Mayonnaise fills the jug. I didn't realize it was honey as an option.

Honey will sustain us. Why have you done this? No one wants to eat your fucking mayonnaise. We do. We do. I do. Thank you. You're welcome. How much mayonnaise do you eat?

You're eating pure mayonnaise. It's egg and... You're eating just mayonnaise. And we're having it with stuff, right? We have no stuff. You have some, yeah, but you don't get any more than you were rationed. I regret nothing. You dip jerky in mayonnaise.

You win. Yep, I do. I just eat spoonfuls of it. Oh, gross. Yeah, but I'm hungry. When you're hungry, you'll cook a lot. You're not hungry. You will be soon.

Do you know what's very funny? What? He said, I can't use it again until the next dawn. No. He just gave him his mayonnaise for breakfast. Gross. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. I corked the jug because it stays full of mayonnaise.

I didn't use all the mayonnaise. I just can't put a new liquid in there. Sure. Sure. I guess we press on. You like horns? Yeah, I'm feeling good Am I not exhausted anymore? No, you're not exhausted at all

I do a cartwheel Alright, yeah Okay, that's a bit extravagant We should just have a quick talk Yeah, what about? The fact that dragon bait and artists are going to beat the shit out of one another at some point on our adventure. Yeah, that's what we should talk about.

There's nothing else to talk about. Okay, well, how about we just let it happen? Okay. I just want to know, though, whose side are we going to be on when it happens? The one who lives. No, during the fight. Who are we going to be on when it happens? The one who lives. No, during the fight. Who are we going to side with? Why do we have to side with anyone?

My money's on Dragon. I just feel like it's not going to be his fault, is it? Guy can't talk. He just all smells. No, to you it's just smells, but it's an actual conversation. Oh, yeah, no, I'm aware. Oh, okay. I'm aware. Oh, okay. I'm aware, Adam.

Cool. He's trying to other him. I'm just saying, you should think about whose side you want to be on when that happens. Shouldn't we wait to see what they argue about? Since when has it ever mattered what people are arguing about? Okay. If my household had existed under the pretext that the argument was important to the fight, there would have been a lot less fights

That's so sad What? That's so sad you told me a sad thing Not sad No, they were good Fuck off I stomped the front of the group My house was sad too

My house was not fucking sad I'm beaming and I mouth the word sad I'm not looking at you so you're just mouthing it to the air. Yeah, it feels good though. A day passes uneventfully. You sleep another night. Night passes uneventfully as well. Next day rises.

Are we close? Yeah, over the next two days you encounter nothing of interest. Nothing really happens. You just slowly move. Food's getting a bit thin, but our flask of wine. Each morning I wake up and I give us some more mayonnaise, Adam. Please, honey. Please, honey.

Please, honey. What do you call me? Could you please, instead of mayonnaise tomorrow, just give us some honey? I just think it would be so much nicer. I know it's full of energy. I'm doing this because I want honey, not because you asked. On the second day, I get honey. Everyone has honey.

Everyone fucking loves it. Flask of wine goes out in the morning and collects a bunch of food. He can feed... He doesn't do a great job. There's not a lot here to eat that isn't poisonous. But he knows what's poisonous, and that's useful.

Are we still in the swamp or are we back in jungle? Back in jungle. Never mind. He can feed because I can find twice the food while foraging on a preferred terrain. He can still check as well. But forest. Yeah, forest is another terrain of mine that I like. Are we in forest?

We're in jungle. Wedge forest. Oh, a flask of wine has resumed leading the group. He's managed, yeah, cool. Yeah. Good. A flask of wine does better than you, Pop. It's a lot of poisonous flowers

here, and good thing that you can at least tell that they're poisonous. But between you and flask of wine, you're supplementing your food supplies. Great. It burns me up inside the flask of wine, you're supplementing your food supplies. Great. It burns me up inside the flask of wine. It was better than me inside of this wine.

He's going on the list, the cigarette list in Pop's head of all the people that he wants to fight. It's a very long list. That's just not shocking. His family, members of his family are on it several times, repeated. Sometimes it's lowercase, sometimes it's capital, sometimes it's angry capital. Sometimes it's just like miffed lowercase. That sounds like a D&D character.

Hello, I am miffed lowercase. Oh, hello, miffed. I'm a cleric. I like healing people, but only when I'm high which is right now who wants to be saved man character creation's easy that's like this is hard as you're trudging your way through flask of wine you're getting very close to oralunga you can see it so well through the trees now it feels like like maybe a couple hours and you'll be there your procession's getting like you're getting a little bit faster a little bit faster a little bit faster a little bit more excited then flask of wine puts up a fist to stop the group and maybe pop you walking right behind him you bump into him flask of wine hisses

and says low almost to himself but loud enough that you guys can hear we are surrounded sure enough moving out of the forest the jungle around you are six lizard folk do you need a picture or can you imagine i'm assuming they're like lizard people. Yeah, they lizard people. They got legs and arms or just legs? They got... Do they stand up? I guess I'm asking. Okay, so do you know what I did in my head? I just took away their arms.

They just had two legs and were like snake bodies but no arms. No, they got arms and legs. Let me show you Pitch Pitch. Oh, yeah. Are we related? Maybe distantly. I don Pitch. Oh, yeah. Are we related? Maybe distantly. I don't know. Hey, brother.

You certainly feel like you could be related to lizard folk. Yeah. Is it weird that I'm wearing lizard scales on my face? Incredibly. Take him off. Take him off. Take him off. One of them, wearing long ceremonial looking robes and with a strange feathered headdress steps forward and does he know

surely he must oh uh does anyone speak draconic uh yes you do in draconic he says food give now payment payment for what pass through our land. Food. Alright. What land is that? Land you stand on. Oh, fuck. I should not be negotiating. You shouldn't. You're right. You're absolutely correct. Because Simba speak their language. Because here's the thing. Tom

wants to negotiate and just give them food. Pop, no fucking way. Otis Simba stands next to you, Pop, and says, how much food would you like? Give us food for each. Six days rations. Well, we've got four days rations. He switches to common to address the rest of the group.

They appear to want food from us. It doesn't seem like too much we would be quite close to emptying our coffers our december and flask of wine confer at the little bag you're there you're there as well pop do they want mayonnaise you open the food bag you made honey today and now a quick word from our sponsor also hey d is fun, but if you're wishing that we could hear Jackson or Zamet waxing poetic about video games they've played and give them a score based on a frankly baffling rating system I refuse to understand, then do I have news for you. Thumbcramps is a show by Jackson, Zamet, Dushar, and occasionally Cass, where they, as my dad calls it, ignore Total Overdose,

the most pivotal game of the early 2000s so if you like the sound of that or if you want to know why my dad keeps calling them total hacks then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for thumb cramps yeah yeah you address the one in charge how about about I go on better? We keep some of our food. We give you half of it, right? But on top of it, I also give you some honey. Get a good boy card. Yes!

This good we take. You give them the honey and three days worth of food. Not the jug. I pour some honey out for them. How much honey do you pour out? The rest of it. How much does the jug make? Flip it over. A gallon. A gallon.

A gallon's a lot. You would have eaten a bunch for breakfast. Yep. Maybe some for lunch. I give him the rest of the honey. Whatever's left. I give him the rest of the honey. Oh, that's still...

From a gallon, that's still a lot of fucking honey. They fill their wine skins and water skins and anything they can with honey. They seem quite happy with this deal. And you'll remember us, yeah? If you see us moving through here again, we're the honey people. They laugh as they leave, but they don't respond. But they leave. Artisan, maybe you step forward a little bit, Pop,

and Artisan puts a hand on your chest. It's just not worth it. You'd say that? I would, yes. We're so close to our destination. That worked. We didn't have to fight anyone We didn't have to fight anyone Fucking bullshit I haven't ripped anyone's throat out for, I don't know, days

Well, save that energy, I'm sure you'll need it later You've done several encounters and I think I forgot to give you experience properly So I'm just going to give you both Let's say a thousand That sounds good. That sounds excellent. Actually a thousand two hundred and fifty, because you guys have done actually quite a lot of adventures and I've

forgotten to give you experience. We have been good, haven't we? We have. It's like giving a cat a lot of cream. It'll kill us in the end, but God, it's good to live. God, that's good. There's really just no downside to getting experience, cats. No, that brings us, that means we're aging. It brings us closer to death. No, that's good. There's really just no downside to getting experience, cats. No, that brings us, that means we're aging. It brings us closer to death. No, that's

not how it works. Oh, no downside. No downside. Zeroed, it's not Pokemon. You don't go up a lift like an age bracket. It's like giving a cat a dream about eating cream. Or giving a cat a fish. Teaching a cat to

cream. Teaching a cat to cream. Teaching a cat to cream. Stop. Gross. Oh, no, that's not what I meant. I was doing a play on the fishing thing. That's what it feels like, buddy. Teaching a cat to milk a cow. Or claws.

No, they can retract them. They often don't. No, this one does. He's got his little paw pads. That's so fucking cute. Except when the cow gets in it mean and then it's like claws on. Anyway.

A massive brick and stone ziggurat rises from the jungle. Two staircases angle up and across the front face. One from the right, the other from the left to meet at a landing on the second level 30 feet above your heads. That layout repeats on the second level and the third level,

but each successive layer adding less height than the one below it. So the ziggurat is split into three sort of levels, each one slightly shorter than the last, but they're still quite tall. The fourth level, 60 feet above the jungle floor, is an enclosed shrine or temple. Its walls are adorned with labyrinth symbols. The jungle

encroaches right up to and onto this ancient structure. The first flights of steps are choked with creepers, tree roots, and flowering vines. It might have been surrounded by a city long, long ago, but the jungle is so dense that it would take hours of searching to find buried foundations and tumbled stones.

There's going to be some good shit in this place. Uh, well, shall we, I suppose? Yeah. I reckon we came all this way. Let's turn around and fucking go home again. Yeah, a lot of good wills just disappeared. I didn't get to finding those people, Adam. Up we go.

All right, then. Let's go. Art of Sember with the patience of a saint says nothing. Bless that man. I excitedly look at you and start climbing the tower Alright As soon as you begin climbing You realise that the vines

And the flowers and the shrubs and such Are making this first layer This first The first steps very Difficult Some might say difficult terrain You like that one did you? Difficult. Some might say difficult terrain. You like that one, did you?

Yeah. You're funny. Your fault. The level one is 50 feet long and it rises 30 feet. After 10 feet, you begin getting scratched by the thorns. Do you continue? It's like digging into you. Does it hurt? It hurts,

but you're not taking damage. Yeah. So that's fine. Cop it. I'm big shell. You climb maybe another five feet and you take five damage. Both of you. Oh,

so it was going to hurt. Artists Simba, as he climbs up up as well and you hear him wincing behind you he stops not going as far as you have but he looks a little bit further along and he points and says hey is that what is that both of you look where artist is pointing and you see a choinga standing among the vines. Oh my god. The choinga is a foot tall and he wears a mask. You know how they all wear masks?

Yes. He wears a mask resembling a triceratops' head. Oh! In his hands, he's carrying it in both hands because for him it's as big as like a as big as like a like a great sword or something like that.

In his hands, he's carrying a large orange and purple orchid. Big flower. He waves the flower at you and after a moment turns around and barrels his way up the ziggurat as he moves up the ziggurat the vines and undergrowth parts before him but then closes back around him he disappears up the ziggurat let's chase that little fella whoa whoa whoa whoa do you think perhaps he was trying to tell us something yeah follow me up the ziggurat where good shit is no where are the flowers where are those flowers you go back down the ziggurat as you go back down the ziggurat you take no damage moving back some something about the thorns and the vines and such like that they're curved and angled in such a way that going down deals no damage but going up would tear you to shreds without too much effort you you can find

a bunch like a big bunch of those orchids you can get one each if you want yes i would like to put it behind my non-existent ears okay you can like i don't know i have my hat flask of wine picks so many to make you a flower crown oh i don't show it but i am crying with happiness on the inside. My horns curl around, yeah? If you want them to. I forget what we established. I think they do.

I put a flower in each curl of my horn. You take no damage going up the growth parts before you as you pass with the orchids. I don't feel so bad at one of those little fellas taking my hammer as you get to the second the second level of the ziggurat you notice that the stone here is crumbling from age and decay you start trying to move up this level but as you move up the the stones crumble apart turning into gravel beneath you it becomes impossible to progress upwards you're like at some points it feels like you're trying to swim upwards through gravel. And no matter how much gravel you push behind you, more just seems to appear.

It's as if by magic or something. Sounds like magic. After struggling for 10 minutes. Oh my God. Tiffany, you spot it first. Another Chewinga stands at the base of the steps just behind you. You're not sure how but he's appeared literally amongst your group just suddenly yeah this one's mask resembles a

chameleon's head oh they're so fucking cute in one hand he has the giant orange and purple orchid and in the other hand he has several red parrot feathers. He races up, running past you with ease. It's as if he's moving so light that he's not sinking at all into the gravel. He sprints past you, getting to the next step. Cho-winga, cho-winga. They don't make noise. I like to imagine this one is mentally saying cho-winga as he goes up. But Lizardman was still there.

I could have stolen some of his feathers. We need to find parrots. I look to the sky. Have we seen any parrots? You haven't seen any parrots. You go back down and search around. You find around the base of Oralunga parrot feathers eventually. With Flask of Wine and Pop Mandarin both experienced explorers,

it's not hard to find red parrot feathers in green underbrush. Are there any other things that are so bright and colourful that they just stick out against the green? No, nothing else. Okay. I'll see how this is going. Okay. Holding the feathers and the orchid. Nah, feathers in my hat.

I've got a crown of flowers and a feather. Oh, I'm living the dream. All right. Just like the Chewinga, you move light as air across the second level. The third level, these stairs are in excellent condition, but

they are covered, covered thick with swarms of poisonous snakes. I look around immediately for a Chewinga. Fucking snakes. I mean, um, never mind. It's fine. I'll be fine. Are Chewinga. Fucking snakes. I mean, never mind. It's fine. I'll be fine.

Are you okay? Yes. Stop looking at me. I'm sorry. The Chewinga brushes past you, Tiffany. This is another third Chewinga. Its mask resembles that of a mongoose's face. It has the red parrot feathers and the purple-orange orchid.

At the bottom step, just before the poisonous snakes, the Chewinga whacks one of the snakes on the head with its orchid to make it angry. The snake is about to lunge at the Chewinga when it brushes gently with the red feathers and the snake calms down. As it calms down, it slowly lowers itself towards the Chewinga and slides under the Chewinga's mask and presumably into the Chewinga's mouth. The Chewinga swallows the snake hole, then lays down on its belly and slowly slides its way up these final stairs. Oh my goodness. How are you going to go with that? I am keen to get to the top, so I just start.

I do the exact same thing. I try and replicate the process as much as possible and just swallow the snake. You have not shared your fears or feelings with anyone. How does it feel to be isolating yourself, hey? Is that good? Is that good to know no one will help because no one knows how? Yes, Cass, that's amazing.

For sure to circumstance. Hit with flower, stroke with feather. I haven't moved. Sorry? I haven't moved. Okay. Well, Tiffany does it first then. Hitting the snake with the flower and then calming it down with the feathers

is quite an easy task, actually. Cool, good. But then as the snake approaches you to slither into your mouth, it's hard to swallow the snake. It stretches your throat as it goes down. You pass what I might call a saving throw, however, and you keep the snake down. You also lie down and it just feels natural. You slither up the stairs flask of wine and dragon bait do the same when it comes to artist simba's turn he vomits the snake up and

tries again successfully on the second try are you fucking kidding me i'm gonna fucking in all maybe between vomiting the snake up and trying a second time artist simba just looks at you you two are the only ones down here still. Artisemba looks at you and says, good day for it, I suppose, and then makes the second attempt. Fucking lovely day. That's where I pop.

It's just a snake. It's just a fucking cock-faced snake. Oh, my God. How does it come out? I just shit out a live snake head first. You just shit out a live snake head first. I attempt. I've used the jug already.

Yeah, jug's all done. Smash the beer. All right. No, you can do this. You're fine. Meet the wise woman fucking plastered. Pretty smiley. You want to tell me how you got so beautiful on this rat? Perfect. Adam, I try very half-heartedly.

You vomit up the snake. Oh, son of a fucking cock fucking snake. As soon as the snake touches your lips, you're spitting it back out. You didn't even get a chance to fail. But as you spit it back out, you feel an awful reverberation going through you. You've done the magic wrong, and it hurts. You take 13 points of damage. Fucking hell. All right, no, you can do this. You've done the magic wrong and it hurts. You take 13 points of damage. Fucking hell.

Alright, no, you can do this. You can fucking Hmm No. Try a second time? Yeah, try a second time. Oh no. On the second attempt, you succeed. How's it feel? Fucking awful.

Get another good boy card for role playing that well. Thanks. You're so good. I eventually get there and I hate my life. All right. You get to the top. The Chewingas are gone. The top of the ziggurat is just a simple rectangular structure of brick.

The outside walls, like I said before, are decorated with symbols. They're symbols of Ubtau, the god, the many-faced god. It's a little underwhelming. Through the doorway is just a barren, empty room. But both of you can smell incense wafting through it. What does it smell like? It smells like I can't get a taste of fucking snake out of my mouth. It smells like incense.

Artis Sembers also finds this very unpleasant. He's like spitting onto the floor. Flask of Wine is looking longingly at this third pile like he wants to do it again. Flask, if you go down there and do it again, I will throw you off this pyramid. That is fair. I don't want to watch anyone else do it either. I just pretend that... Could you imagine, like, just, like, doing that?

Letting a snake go into your mouth. You probably had to destroy your flower crown to do this as well. Sorry, buddy. Actually, you know what? Give you a roll. Was it a saving throw? Yes. What about plus d4?

Are you serious? No, I'm kidding. I wouldn't do that. Well, you fail. You could. Would you like to use your plus d4? It's your good boy card. You earned it.

Yeah, but it's for a flower crown. It'll probably get destroyed anyway. Not if you keep saving your flower crown. No, I'm not going to use any good boy card. You earned it. Yeah, but it's for a flower crown. It'll probably get destroyed anyway. Not if you keep saving your flower crown. No, I'm not going to use any good boy cards. No? I have seen what it was like having no good boy cards. It's a dark world out there. And this is going to get harder because there is a snake necromancer in the woods somewhere.

Okay. Well, unfortunately, you pull your flower crown apart. Perhaps you were better prepared for the combat with the snake necromancer, but you're not better. Your soul is poorer prepared now. Yeah. Oh, well. Do you two want to hold on to the feathers and flower, or what do you do? You do?

Yeah. All right. Yes. The crown's shredded, but I assume I was able to save, like, a single flower. Arisembur steps forward towards the doorway and says, well, no time like the present, I suppose. And he steps through. As he steps through, you hear him gasp

and start looking around the room in wonderment, but it still looks empty and barren to you. You fucking kid. I hustle in after him. Fucking treasure, Adam. I follow after, but after Pop. You do not walk into the room as it currently is. You walk into the room as it was hundreds of years ago. I follow after, but after pop. reed mats cover the floor. Pots of blooming flowers line the plastered walls and singing birds flit from plant

to plant. An immense snake with iridescent scales rests on a heap of cushions opposite the doorway. Are you kidding? It rises slowly to a height of five feet staring directly into your eyes as it moves.

Its face is remarkably human-like and its tongue your eyes as it moves. Its face is remarkably human-like, and its tongue flicks before it speaks. I am very tense. I thrimsa ja anbatha

What language is this speaking, Adam? What do you seek in this ancient place? It's speaking, Carmen. Speak truly, for I hear your hearts. Oh, my God. I am terrified, but just pretending I'm just being stoic. You go.

You talk to the snake. Okay. I kneel before Oralunga. There is no need for that. I stand up. Thank you. I was hoping you could help us please find an amulet. It's a lot of steps, but it'll help save my dad.

That's all I want. That's all I want forever. Please? This is not what you seek. It is merely on the way. I want to help my dad. Do you know how I can help my dad? Zone is a tool to be used.

You may find his amulet in Jell-Jark. How do we spell in Vaughan, guys? I've been going like Vince. I think I'm... Sorry. I'm so sorry. I've made a mistake. It's X-o-r-n so we've been calling him vaughn but it's zorn oh corn how do you pronounce that zorn okay i thought you said

zorn and then i thought i must have just misheard so i've been thinking i was chasing after a giant iron vince vaughn and what i'm actually chasing after is isn't he a rocker? He's a shield guardian. He's made of shields. What you truly seek, you will find in Oumu. Oumu lies between the Valley of Lost Honor and the Peaks of Flame. It is a dangerous place. You should only go if you know yourselves

to be ready for a fight with Razni. More bloody snakes. Thank you. He and his followers plan to end the world from this. End the world?

To finish life itself. Are they, Madam Snake, are they responsible for the soulmonger? Yes. I have heard tales of this soulmonger. Yes. I have heard tales of this soulmonger. I did not think it to be true until I saw it in my visions.

Is that why you sent that random bloke to meet us at the market? I knew of your destinations and your intentions. I wished to give you advice.

All right, then. Thank you. Thank you very, very, very much. Thank you. You should go. You should go. I should what? Go where?

You should ask her. Ask her what? We know what we're getting. We're going to get the amulet for the big fella and then go on a boomeroo. Why do I need to talk to her? I just... Artis stands before her and says, I seek.

I know who you seek. She and Mesro will not return while Raz Nis leaves. Ardus tightens visibly where he's standing. You must

stop him before he finishes his plans. So his plan is to end the world. He's the cellmonger. And your girlfriend can't come back till he's dead. Sounds like we all have a common goal.

I thought I'd slain him decades ago. Centuries ago. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know you said you were defending the city from him, but did you actually beat him? I fought him in one-to-one combat, and I bested him. Clearly, he did not die. No, that's fairly fucking obvious, I suspect. Well, I suppose as a necromancer, he had a few tricks up his sleeve.

Yeah, probably as a creepy snake monster man. No offense, lady snake friend person. No offense, lady snake friend person. Please, I beseech thee, kill the yonty necromancer. We will. We will. Thank you. I do not ask her anything.

You do not what? I don't ask her anything. I'm scared of her. Okay. Do you say yes dragon bait nods artist sembra nods flask even flask of wine maybe in deference to what is quite obviously a powerful mystical figure you've noticed the flask of wine in your travels he seems superstitious yeah so when he's just like counting trees and then be like oh this is a good amount of trees oh that's very funny i like that

and then be like, oh, this is a good amount of trance. Oh, that's very funny. I like that. I'm writing that down. So, yeah, even Flask of Wine nods and agrees to stop Raz Nis. Am I getting his name right? I know. Raz Nasi.

Raz Nasi. Raz Nasi. You must kill Raz Nasi. Do you say yes? I mean, horns. You got anything better to do? Never in my life have I had something more important than this. Okay, don't need to be so earnest. That's weird. I guess you're in, ma'am.

She touches each of you with her long tail on the top of your head. Love it. And it feels like an egg has been cracked there you feel magical energy running down you love this you each get a supernatural charm oh pop you are gifted with the protection of scales once per week you cannot take damage for a round. That's amazing. For one round of combat, six seconds. Once a week. Once a week, you take no damage whatsoever.

Do I have this forever, Adam? Yes. Oh, my God. Adam, this is a forever power. Do you like snakes now? A little bit. Tiffany, you get the gift of guidance. Once per week, when you are unsure of where you should go next in whatever, like, the most pressing issue of your life is at the time, once per week, you can call forth the gift of guidance, and it will drag you in the right direction for a round.

Oh, my God. I wish I had this in my real life. Artist Simber gets the guided shot charm. Once a week for an entire round, he cannot miss. Phenomenal. Dragon Bait gets the strength of arms. Once a week for one round, he doubles in size and his strength is increased by five. I love this team of misfits.

We are a magnificent seven, but we are five. And Flask of Wine gets the speed of Cheetah. Once per week for one round, Flask of Wine moves at ten times his regular speed. Holy fucking shit. Oh my god. Are we at Fantastic Five? Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is sick.

Sorry, does Dragon Bait's smell get bigger? Oh, my God. Are we Fantastic Five? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is sick. Sorry. Does Dragon Bait's smell get bigger? It gets bigger so his smells get bigger. Yeah. Does he got big smells now? One round, big smells. And with that, you leave. Just before we get to the door.

Yeah. I want to... These guys... Just want to turn back to the snake lady Yeah She'll be like Am I doing the right thing? You are on the right trail

But Even Even a A skilled adventurer Can lose the path Stick to your current Convictions Alright

Can any of us hear that? No As soon as you step outside The magic is gone Stick to your current convictions. All right. Can any of us hear that? No. As soon as you step outside, the magic is gone. Oralunga. Why do you think I did it, Cass? Yeah, well. Oralunga looks like just a stone in the jungle now. It's still a ziggurat, obviously, but I'm just being poetic.

I just went into a pebble. How the fuck do we get off this pebble? Once you leave this temple, you can never return. You walk back in, but it's as it is today. You can never again speak with the wise woman. I still hate snakes. What further gifts will Pop need to receive before he learns to love snakes? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued

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