D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #16 [Blank] in the Dungeon

Episode Date: November 2, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio. Communism will win. Yeah, so like the organ rather than the emoticon. Choltans call it the heart of Uptown. Well, obviously because it's very heart-shaped, and the petrified tree adds the impression of veins and arteries. Dragon-baiting artists are going to beat the shit out of one another at some point on our adventure. Yeah, that's what we should talk about. There's nothing else to talk about. Okay, well, how about we just let it happen? So the ziggurat is split into three sort of levels,

each one slightly shorter than the last, but they're still quite tall. The fourth level, 60 feet above the jungle floor, is an enclosed shrine or temple. You do not walk into the room as it currently is. You walk into the room as it was hundreds of years ago. Oh, my fucking God. You feel magical energy

running down you. Love this. You each get a supernatural charm. Ooh! Once you leave this temple, you can never return. You walk back in, but it's as it is today. You can never again speak with the wise woman.

After your conversation with the wise mystic, you're standing at the base of Oralunga. You know that Vaughn is to the northeast? Isn't it Zorn? Didn't we realize that you were saying it like an idiot? Isn't it an X? It's a V. Where the fuck?

Okay, I wrote Vaughn as in... Yeah, I wrote Zorn as well. I wrote Vaughn as in Vince Vaughn. I crushed out Vince Vaughn and wrote Zorn with an X because you told us that you had been saying it wrong. I've been saying it wrong again. It's Vorn. I'm looking at it right now.

So it's a V? It's a V-O-R-N. Is this a trick where it changes? That just isn't. No, I'm just dumb. I'm going to call him John from now on. Well, as we say it in final, John! It's fucking John over here.

John! Past Vaughn, or John, if you will, is Yelyark, where you will find Vaughn's amulet. Yes. And with the two combined, you will control a shield guardian. Let me just quickly check. Who we can trade to Prince Boy for spells and stuff to help us stop the soulmonger. Or, fuck that, keep it for ourselves. Keep it for ourselves.

Or what do you want to do with it? Keep it for myself. And who is- And my museum. Yeah. When you say myself, you really mean the whole public. I assume the soulmonger would look pretty good in a glass case as well. I've no idea what it looks like. It's huge. Even better. Oh, soulmonger wing.

Expand the museum. It is the soulmonger. The museum of soulmonger is the soulmonger with windows. I'm good at glass. I see how this tempts you. Would you like to travel east, back past Mbala to the Yaldani Basin and take the river up? Or would you like to just brave the jungle itself? It's hard to say what will be longer. It depends mostly on how...

So as the crow flies, just straight through the jungle, if you encounter nothing, it'll probably be quicker. But it's jungle, right? Yeah, so there's like a thicker... It sucks in the jungle. Whereas comparatively on the river, you did not receive nearly as many attacks. So if we go to the basin, we just then go upriver, back to where we came. Along the river, sh did not receive nearly as many attacks. So if we go to the basin, we just then go up

river, back to where we came. Along the river, shush and stop. Does that mean we go back past Camp Vengeance? Yes, you would pass Camp Vengeance and righteous again. I feel like that's probably safer, right? I reckon if we go along the river,

it'll just be better. We don't have to stop at Camp Vengeance, we can just keep going. We don't have to stop at Camp Vendence. We can just keep going. I wasn't planning to stop at Camp Vendence. Unless, of course, we can go past. I can put their boats in the river, fill it with rocks. You could. I could.

I will. We'll discuss it when we get there, maybe. No discussions. Okay. So you're going to head back to the boats? Yeah. We're going to go back to the boats? Yeah. We're going to head back the river away. Yeah.

We go to Taktilis, and, you know, if we get to a stage where the tide can take us, we can rest while we... If that's the decision that you two are coming to, Arda Simber ums and uhs, and then finally blurts out, saying, it would be a lot quicker if we were to go directly to Vaughn. It would mean abandoning the boats,

but I think we are not deep enough into the jungle that it would be a hazard to us. I think we should risk it, basically. All right, guide, what do you think? Flask of Wine stares out into the jungle, and he considers it for a long while, almost long enough that you... Actually, it's not a very long time,

because you're a very rude boy, but almost long enough that you would consider interrupting him and calling him names, Paul. Maybe, I don't know how long that would take, two, three seconds? It's pretty long. But Floss Cobain turns back and says, perhaps it would be wise to minimize our time in the jungle, even for a slightly higher risk. Well, I think that settles it. That's three. Dragonbait can't vote.

Dragonbait, I assume, like, behind you, Pop, so you can't see it, but Tiffany can. Dragonbait shrugs his arms, puts his hands up in the air like, what the hell? I do not think there is a smell for yay or nay. Is there a smell for yay or nay? He can't communicate yes and no. You guys might not be able to determine the nuance of that, but Artis Simba Oh yeah, I'm going to trust Artis Simba

who wants to go in the jungle with whether or not old mate Dragonbait wants to go in the jungle. He's just going to lie. Dragonbait understands what you guys are saying. If Artis Simba says something else, Dragon Bait could obviously, like... Alright, you just don't. I don't trust anyone. You just don't.

Alright, cool. Okay, I mouth sorry to Dragon Bait. Dragon Bait just puts his hands on... Behind Pop's back, puts his hands on his hips and just gives like an angry look at the back of Pop's head. Do I smell... Baked bread? I have nothing that says rage. Baked bread is anger.

Oh, is it? Yes, it is. Oh, there's a bakery open up around here, is there? Very sour dough. Dragon bait. Gives like a a big loud huff oh you can make noise he can do that i suppose he can pass air through his mouth yes well if it's really going to be that much of a time saver i mean what if we get attacked and we're exhausted again that could happen anywhere i suppose the amount of time we save, I think, potentially is worth it.

Wait, so Flask wants us to go in the jungle as well? They're all saying... Okay, I got confused. I thought Flask wanted us to go in the boats. No, all the NPCs are agreeing. I suppose they live here. You can see that they all seem to be charged with a new purpose. After coming down from the temple, Dragonbait understands that this is a matter of great urgency,

like life and death sort of stuff. And he, just a good person, is like, well, of course, we need to stop this from happening. Arda Simber, presumably, is also a good person and wants to stop this from happening. But also has the added motivation of wanting to see his beloved again. And Flask of Wine, as superstitious as he is, is now set on a course by the wise woman of Oralunga. Well, I think we should go into the jungle then. If everyone wants it, I mean, we can...

It'll be faster. We go into the jungle, however. They know it better than us. They know it better than us! Hey, hey, I'm not saying that they know it better than we do, okay? They're obviously, you know, they're pretty good at jungle stuff, is all I'm saying, but I just think, you know, okay, we go in, but on the proviso that if we get into trouble...

They go first! They go first, and I get to say I told you so at least twice. Oh, of course. All right, that's what I'm talking about. We got it, capisce? Capisce. Capisce. I think we should go to the jungle.

All right, we'll go jungle. All right, and so you cleverly let them go first. You let the guide guide. It's only if we get attacked. Then they... Yeah. Yeah. I'm good at some terrains. But it feels like we've made a clever decision.

Excellent. What a good thing to say after I've just rolled. No, because I know that it's not excellent. I know that if you've rolled a die, you've rolled several dice. Yeah. Or a died singular. Funny that it's die and they make you die sometimes. That sounded like you really hated Cass and you wanted her to know it.

Yeah, I know. But that also sounded like Cass really hated me and wanted me to know this fact. Basically sounded like we hate one another. Oh, my god. Can you guys hear that backing up that Tom is doing? Yeah, I know. It's the good truck. Beep beep.

The good truck lollipop. I'm a good truck lollipop. I can drive places and never stop. Not for red lights. I've caused lots of accidents. I'm a maniac. I've killed so many kids.

My God. Do you know what I like? Because it got faster. And I couldn't slow down. You just looked angry. you let that possess you what's uh what's your marching order so you're letting all the npcs up the front so it's flask of wine artis simba and dragon bait and then you guys up the back yeah i'm at the back how much space so flask of wine would be maybe 20 feet in front of dragon bait and artis simba who are walking side by side

having like a pleasant conversation 20 feet's a lot isn't it and Arda Simber, who are walking side by side, having, like, a pleasant conversation. 20 feet's a lot, isn't it? I have no idea. It's a little bit. 20 feet, I think, what is it? A rule of thumb is, like, triple it and that many meters. I'm not sure. 20 feet's, like, three and a half dads.

Okay. Okay. Maybe he's only two dads. Okay. Maybe we're only two dads apart. I'm a little closer to you. I'm maybe half a dad. That's really close.

Six metres. Oh, no, enough for walking. Enough for walking. We're like next one another, I feel. I guess it's the other way around. Sorry. It's not times three. It's divided by three.

It's six metres. Okay. I don't really know. I reckon, yeah. That's not many. It's like two doors. So, how far behind Dragonbait and Artus would you like to be? Probably the same, about two doors.

So, Flask of Wine is stalking through. When he stops, stands up. Like, he was a little bit crouched. But then he stops abruptly and stands up completely. And you hear him call out something into the bush. It's in Tabaxi though so you don't understand what it said what he says but then out of a out of like a clump of trees and marsh another tabaxi stands up this tabaxi looks like they live in the jungle they look

rough the tabaxi has like a a wooden carved wooden face mask, which when she stands up, she pushes it back so that it's sitting on top of her head. And she's speaking to you like face to face rather than face to mask. She's wearing grass woven clothes and she has a bow and arrow with an arrow knocked. Flosk of wine and this new Tabaxi just start having a little chat. Flask of Wine and this new tabaxi just start having a little chat. Dragonbait and Artisimber hold up, and maybe Dragonbait looks back nervously to you two. One hand is on my hammer. I'm ready to dance, little lady.

Flask of Wine nods at something that this new tabaxi has said, and then walks up. Flask of Wine has a little satchel bag at his side he brings that round to his front and he starts flipping through it rifling in it after a little bit the tabaxi this new tabaxi does a similar thing with a similar bag that she has and they're both searching through bags at one point flask of wine produces a produces a bundle of feathers strung together like how you'd make a rubber band ball and gives that to the new tabaxi. And she produces a small rock that looks like it has a man's face in it and gives that to Flask of Wine. Are they swapping things that they look like is special to them? They put each of them in the bags, close them up. Flask of wine nods and they part ways.

Flask of wine gestures and you continue. What the fuck was that? What just happened? Do you walk up to flask of wine and ask or do you yell at flask of wine and ask? No, I scurry up and say, sorry, what was that? Flask of wine looks like he's genuinely struggling with the words. There is no direct translation in common for what just happened, but you could call it like, I suppose the closest words would be a free market of fleas. Or, no, there is a word.

A trade. Free market of... Oh, my God. Oh. I have not walked up to ask questions. No, I know, I know. Yeah, of course. You are intensely disinterested.

Well, no, I want to know what it is. I'm not fucking walking over and asking. I'll ask you when you get back. Sorry, you want to appear intensely disinterested. Thank you no, I want to know what it is. I'm not fucking walking over and asking. I'll ask you when you get back. Sorry, you want to appear intensely disinterested. Thank you. What did you swap? I gave her my ball of soft

and she gave me her rock of man. Oh my god. Oh my god, I love Javaxi so much. They are fucking adorable. They're so beautiful. Ball of soft beautiful none of that was in character that's just a personal thing i didn't you know bend over and grab my knees and start yelling into the dirt because i want to oh okay we uh exchanged uh i forget this word as well. We exchanged pleasantries.

Is the rock of man magic? Yes. Oh, man. That rock is such just a rock. No, it's... As much magic as there can be in something that is, how you say, lethal. I wonder if the bowl of soft was magic. What did the bowl of soft do? Comfort, it's you.

In a time of stress, you can bring it out and squeeze it with your paws. Or if you are particularly mad or if you have a friend who is mad, you push it against their face and they are not mad anymore. It is like a wand of smiles. Well, what does the man of rock do? The man of rock? Yeah. The man of rock has a... Rock of man? Yeah. The man of rock has a... Rock of man, sorry.

Sorry, yes, the rock of man. It's a bad translation anyway. The rock of man is cool. Figuratively and literally. Oh, okay. Also, when it gets wet, it looks like he is crying. Or so she said. I wish to test

this out. There is a river a few days ahead of us. When we get there, I will check. Joke's on her. I have two balls of soft. I said it was my last. Joke's on him. She has three rocks of man.

She carves them. Okay, I walk back. Do I want to know? Oh, I'm excited because I know that you don't. Yeah, I don't. I think I know you a bit better now. I'm excited. I think that's nice. But you definitely don't want to know about this. I I don't. I think I know you a bit better now. I'm excited. I think that's nice.

But you definitely don't want to know about this. I really don't. I don't say that. That's all internalised. The internal thoughts of Pop Man are, fuck you old bastard. She thinks you're a prick and doesn't want to know stuff. This is all on you. Fuck off.

Aw. I think I've done so well by not angering you. I'm angry at myself, which means I'm angry at you. Oh, yeah, yeah. More angry at Flask. All right. That night. Got a ball of soft that didn't share.

Oh, my God. Do you reckon Flask thinks that you are beyond a ball of soft? I'm the next thing up, ball of hard. Oh, no, as in, like, ball of soft won't work on you. Yeah, you need, like, globe of soft. Yeah. You need to be inside a ball of soft. Yeah, greater ball of soft.

Oh, my God, I love tabaxi so much. The rest of the day is literally uneventful. Even your watch that night goes by without so much as a peep. All right. Are we all gone? Are we better? I have no idea how we were going. You're completely healed the next day.

Great. Yeah. Full hit points. No active conditions or anything like that. You're very good. Quick question. Highs or lows? Very important.

Knowing that I got either a 2 or 99. Highs. Highs? Yeah. All right. Cool. It's a very moderately sunny day. There's absolutely no negative weather effects at all.

You got 99, didn't you? Yeah, I got 99. That's awesome, man. Or it could have been you guys literally swept into the river nearby. Oh. Oh. No. I guess we keep going.

Another day passes uneventfully. have we reached the river yet uh i don't believe the river has a name yeah it doesn't have a name it's just snakes down from the mist cliff mountains this area is so uncharted the mist cliff mountains included that no one people have probably crossed this river before but you imagine imagine, both of you imagine, maybe even Flask of Wine mentions as you're crossing that like how insane it is that the number of people who have crossed this river, you could count with the fingers on one hand. So, I mean, this river hasn't been named yet, which therefore makes it a Mandarin River. Just saying. Does the... Sorry, I'm writing that down. Mandarin River. river yeah if you push for it you could i i want to fuck you i don't tell it yeah i push for it do you have cartographers supplies um i have navigators tools i will let you make the check but with a penalty because

the tools aren't perfectly designed for that you just got to kind of note down where it is. That's the important part. Yeah, I found a fucking river. You do a decent job of noting it down. If you can get this back to a geological or geographical or any sort of society, you might be able to actually just name this river. That's absolutely a thing that could happen. Fuck yeah.

And does the rock of man look like it's crying when it is absolutely through some trick of how the rock has been formed when you dunk it in the water and bring it back out the last place that water runs from is where the eyes would be looks like it's crying true enough flask of wine holds it up into the air and squeezes it in his little paw. He looks very pleased with himself. Then he leans back and throws the rock as hard as he can down the river. Flask, why did you do that? I've seen it cry.

And? And what else is there? The magic is gone now. The magic is thinking that it might not. Or it might. This spell is cast. Why not trade it? Trade it for what?

It's worthless. Oh, my God. Oh, okay. And I walk away again. Oh, my God. I love Tabaxi so much. Why the fuck did he throw the... No, I don't want to know.

No. As you continue on that day, that might have been the first day of the two that I just said, you hear Flask of Wine up ahead humming softly to himself and you catch glimpses of a brightly coloured ball in his hands. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Flask. Yes? Where did you get that ball? This one? He holds up a ball of feathers. It is my second ball of soft.

Oh, it's brightly colored because of the nice velvet. Oh. Are you going to trade this one? Why would I trade my last ball of soft? What if I get angry and it is not here? No, that's fair enough. Are you angry now? No, I have my ball of soft. What if I get angry and it is not here? No, that's fair enough. Are you angry now? No, I have my bowl of soft.

I love tabaxi. I let myself fall to the back of the line. Artistscember, if you guys are listening, Artistscember walks up to Flosskavine and asks him about the song that he's humming. And he tells you, it's like a tabaxi childhood rhyme. And he describes a little tabaxi cat. Who's running around the table. Until her parents get so mad. That she won't stop running around the table.

That they feed her. To send her away. And Flosk of Wine finishes by saying. All tabaxi tales end with a good meal. Oh I'm so happy. I love them. I love them. Would you die for them?

Yes. Okay, no, that's fair. Like, cool, it's fine. I mean, I have two cats and I love them. So the fact that there is a world in which my cats could go on quests with me is fucking the best. Little girl, don't you run little girl stop having fun oh no little girl naughty cat little girl gets fed and hot

they also get a hat. Your pop hates all of this. Oh, you get there, by the way. Okay, cool. On that second day. I almost don't care anymore. Oh, you get to Vaughn. You haven't got to the amulet.

The amulet is beyond. But you... Vaughn is literally... If you drew a straight line, Vaughn is, like, slightly off the straight line. So you figured you might as well hit him anyway. Just at least if nothing else. Can we take him with us without the amulet? He big.

He big and he heavy. Okay. Well, let's go. Let's have a look. Let's inspect the Vaughn. Oh, you mean John? Sorry, I mean Yon, yeah. Standing next to some rocks and ferns is an eight-foot-tall statue,

humanoid in shape with bronze fists, iron joints, an adamantine breastplate, and an iron helm with slits for eyes. The rest of the statue is made of sculpted wood, reinforced with bands and rivets of adamantine. Scattered around its feet are offerings of food, feathers, coloured stones and skulls. As soon as we see this, I look to Flask of Wine to see if he is excited about the coloured stones and feathers.

Flask of Wine seems wary, to be honest. Obviously someone has been leaving gifts for the for the statue and he's maybe more concerned about who's been doing that sorry just something i want to mention um so this is something that you would never discover because it's in it's in like text that you could never so the wizard who used to own this shield guardian is dead long dead but you would in the course of this game never find out why the reason he's dead is just bad luck he died oh god and i'm quoting from the book here extreme bad luck oh wow fell out of a tree during a particularly bad bout of monkey fever, hit his head on a rock and knocked himself unconscious. Then he rolled into a puddle where he drowned.

No! He is the most unfortunate man in Chult. Oh, no. The shield guardian has stood impassive and unmoving, awaiting orders ever since. Oh, my goodness. I love that. Fucking brilliant.

My God, look at this thing. It's in very good nick. I sort of narrow my eyes at Pop. It's in very good nick for being lost out in the middle of the jungle. Its plates are all good. Its stone's all good. It looks like it could. It looks good.

That's what I'm saying. And where could it look good? Anywhere it wanted. Really? It looks good in the jungle. What I'm saying is this thing's it look good? Anywhere it wanted, really. It looks good in the jungle. What I'm saying is this thing's in good need, all right? Fuck, don't, you know, crowd me with your questions and your face. Fuck.

So, sure enough, with a simple search of the area both flask of wine and you pop deduce the local tribes vege pygmies grungs all sorts of creatures from the from the local jungle i'm sorry grung all right so grung are some of the cutest little creatures you will ever see, but they are terrifying. Can't wait to break their hearts by stealing their god. And you were just going to listen over that? Gleam over that? Not tell us about the grung? Just say the word grung and move on?

Quickly. Quick, say the word grung again. Oh, first off, this is what Vaughn looks like. That's a shield guardian. Oh, wow. Hey, Vaughn. I am giant. You're a big boy. Yeah, he's eight feet tall. Wow. Almost tall as me.

In real life. I'm a basketballer. On top of another basketballer. We're both children. We're both pretty tall for our age. Our age is eight. Because if he's eight foot and there are two of me,

four, you know. Those are grown. Oh, my God, they're frogs. They're very good. They're very dangerous. Why? Poison arrow frogs? Yeah, poison.

Poisons that will do awful, awful things to you. Depending on the colour, they have different types of poisons. Let me just give you a sussan of the different poisons. Yeah, let's have a taste of that. You can't move one of the poisons. It prevents you from moving except to climb or make standing jumps. So you can only go vertical. Basically.

What if you get pushed over? Can you climb on the ground? No. You can only shout loudly or otherwise make a loud noise rather than talking. How long will these last? Well. Oh, a little bit of forever, I hear.

The poisoned creature feels a desperate need to soak itself in liquid or mud. It can't take actions or move except to do so. Oh my god. I assume it's like a normal poison. You have to be cured of it for it to stop. The poison creature must use its action to eat if food is within reach. Oh no. I can't wait to get that poison and fill my jug up with mayonnaise and just fucking drink it.

The poisoned creature is frightened by its allies. Oh, no. These are bad. These are not good. I know what you mean by they're adorable, but very scary. My favorite, though, is the shouting one. Like, if you're in a fight and just all of a sudden you're poisoned and you can only yell. Oh, and you also have to yell at the start of each of your turns,

so stealth is impossible. Man. Can you yell so much your voice stops for a while? Can you yell yourself into a horse and then gallop away? Yes, you can actually. Yeah, but you can't gallop very far because it's only a little horse. Oh, Adam. You know what they say. Fucking kill me.

Teenagers these days. So, yeah. You see Vaughn before you? Hey, you know what? Fucking get 500 experience points, both of you. Forgetting to Vaughn, finally. Aw. Yay.

We only went through awful, awful, awful, awful things. Hey, just getting experience points me. We're about to fight someone real soon. Is it Vaughn? Why would you say that? Oh, no. We need the amulet. Adam.

Yes? Is the amulet's location in Yel-yuck? Yel-yuck. Yep. Is it in Yel-yark right now? Um You just don't know that Huh

Huh Huh Well I guess We can't do anything with Vaughn While we're here though Can we? No I mean

Really the only sensible thing to do Is take a gander Be like sick And Y'all cool? Yeah And then Trot along to Yel-elyark you're not my real dad

you big stone fuck do we know about the creatures here the grug uh yeah no no no what i was saying was that you yeah you understand you learn that there are many different tribes that have come through it looks like they've been beating back the jungle all around as well. There's like a clearing made all around Vaughn where normally the jungle would swallow such a creature up. The vines would slowly wrap around them and such. It appears like someone's been tending to this place like it was a shrine. So apparently a couple of the people who live in the forest around here, they've taken a shining to our big iron friend. here. They've taken a shining to our big iron friend. Well, I think that maybe we should leave

then because we don't want to be here when they find out we're trying to take him. Let's keep going. Let's not do anything here until we can control him. No, we can't do anything here. We're just admiring his craftsmanship. Yes, but I don't feel very good about being here. There's a lot

of danger right now. Okay. If we can control their god then they won't attack us, surely. You'd think that, wouldn't you? I really wouldn't. I've been in enough scenarios to know that's not always the case. Okay. I don't know what scenarios that would possibly be, but it sounded good. So let's get a move on, shall we?

All right, onwards to Yellow Lark. Yellow Lark. Yeah, shall we? All right. Onwards to Yellow Lark. Yellow Lark. Yeah, thank you. All right. You continue onwards to Yellow Lark. Oh, no. Oh, no, Adam. We got there already?

That's so quick. Wow. Well, we were hoping to play more D&D in between that time, but I guess we'll just skip forward to getting there because nothing happened. And now we have the amulet. That was good. Oh, back we go. Oh, time to go to go back already oh we beat the soulmonger that's insane that was such a good roll for us we roll 120 that's amazing so oh no it's a bad so

you walk for an entire day nothing of interest happens during that day until nearly sundown, flask of wine stops, puts his hands on his hips, looks around, and you can see there's a little bit of confusion on his face. He climbs a tree a little bit, gazes around, climbs back down and says, we have been going in not the correct direction. And now a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, did you know there's an insane amount of old and unknown and weird and fucked cartoons that you do not know about? I know! Our friend Mia is one of the funniest people I know and she has a lot to teach you in her hilarious show, Cynical Cartoons.

Go to sanspantsradio.com and search Cynical Cartoons to find your new purpose in life. What the fuck do you mean never mind no no no no I got lost but we still went in the right direction but now I know where we are both of you get a good boy card

flask of wine rolled a 1 at the beginning of the day and a 20 at the end of the day so hey here we are um so another two days pass without any incident on the second day in the morning as you guys are packing up uh and you first start moving underway flask of wine puts up a pour and gestures a little bit ahead he says there is uh some sort of statue up ahead. How would you like to proceed?

You get so lost that you brought us back to Vaughn again. No, we are definitely going the right way this time. This is a separate statue. Well, we should go and investigate it, right? 100% we should go and investigate it. I love statues. What's the hesitation, Flask? Are you scared of a rock, man?

I did not want to go... That's all right. Don't worry. I'm not here to die. This will kill us? I don't know. Hang on. Let me find out what the statue looks like as well.

Looks like a big skull and crossbones. And it says, if you touch me, you will die. And when you get close to it, you're compelled to touch it. Just reminding you, the last time you encountered a statue, an actual statue, you got a little spell to let you guide your way. I know, that's why I want to go up to this statue. This statue looks like a formless humanoid so a person who you couldn't tell if they were a man woman you couldn't tell if they were human elf even tabaxi or halfling they're carved in such a way that there's basically definitely rule out tiefling or total just like that there's very little in the way of features

about them they're a bit like what's what's the name of the oscar? Oscar? No, he's got a name. Oscar? Oscar. Is it actually just Oscar? It can't be. Donny Osmond. Are you being real? Are you telling the truth or are you telling a fear? I have no idea. He winked.

He told a fear. All right. Why do they call them the Oscars if the dude's name isn't Oscar? I think the guy who founded them was called Oscar, right? Who founded them? Yeah, he founded them. There are 3,000 Oscar statues. They were uncovered in a tomb in 1987 when we run out so to all the actors shall perish they were buried in a you know

with a corpse that looked weirdly like daniel day lewis the origin of the name oscar is disputed a frequently mentioned originator is margaret herrick the academy executive secretary who when she first saw the award in 1931 said the statuette reminded her of her quotation marks uncle oscar a nickname for her cousin oscar pierce i love how needlessly convoluted that is. Right? She was banging Uncle Oscar. Oh, no. Cousin Oscar, it would have been. But 100% she was. This is like the 20s.

I don't know how time works. Yep, 30s. People married cousins. Nah, fair. I'll pay that. So, it's very formless, like even more so, I suppose, than an Oscar because you can't even tell gender.

Because it looks like that lady's uncle, Oscar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the humanoid has a spear held aloft. I'm just saying we should investigate this statue. I think it's not a bad idea, seeing as- Do I know any- Have I got any recognition of what this statue is, Adam? As you approach-

So there are four churches that worship ubertau uh this is a shrine to ubertau by the way so ubertau is meant to have many different facets so there's like good and evil neutral lawful and chaotic ubertau is meant to be it's like a a mono what's it called a mono monotheistic religion yep a religion where there is only one god okay uh and that one god is meant to represent every aspect in different ways so there are different churches that would worship ubertau yep this specific shrine looks like it was maybe created by the spear bearers of Ubatau, which is a church who consider it their duty to protect the world from Dendar. Dendar being a yaunty god. We fucking know who Dendar is.

Yes, we do. Oh, big snaky bitch. Anyway, yeah, it's kind of like a warrior church, I suppose. We'll add that information to Tiffany. Ooh. You get a little bit closer. It's covered in vines and moss

and such, but other than that, there doesn't appear to be much features to the statue, unless you'd like to go up and have a closer look. Oh, Adam. We would like to touch the statue? We would like to touch the statue. You go up and have a closer look? Yes. Oh, Adam. We would like to touch the statue? We would like to touch the statue. You go up and touch the statue? It's up below you.

Move some of the vines. Tiffany and Pop, both of you are thrown backwards. As you touch it, the shrine explodes with thunderous energy. Oh! Ow. You've activated my trap energy. Oh! Ow. You've activated my trap card. No! I mean, we shouldn't have touched it.

I knew it was going to happen, but I wanted to touch it. Yeah, we obviously wanted to touch it. You both take 12 points of damage. Oh, no. You both take the cake. I mean, that was barely a scratch for me, but I feel like that hurt you a lot. Yeah, that's a quarter of my life.

Cool, cool. Yes. And then you hear a tremendous roaring sound from somewhere behind you. Dragon Bait makes a loud gasping sort of sound, but he can't actually- You fucker, you can talk. He can't actually make words, whereas Flask of Wine, looking behind you, you see his eyes, even at this distance, you see his eyes narrow,

and he cries out, Troll! It's a troll! It's a very big troll! Trees are blasted aside as a troll lumbers towards you. Let me see if I can find a picture. I love fighting tiny dick fucking trolls.

We're just going to make him touch the statue. Yes. For a second there, I was like, it sounds like a troll fact that if they touch a statue, they, like, die. But then I was like, no, no, because then he'll explode. Backwards. Into the jungle. Yeah, the troll comes to us. We touch the statue.

They touch the statue. They get thrown backwards. That's what he looks like. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Describe. He has three heads? Two heads.

Three heads. Three. You're not looking at his body, though. Oh, my. He's got my. Basically. So, imagine. I can't even like what if david cronenberg made a troll it's got like mouths all over its body it looks like something that

crawled out of fucking chernobyl i think that's the best way to describe it right it doesn't look like it doesn't have pink hair and it's not just wearing like some cute little Speedos. This troll is gross. Yeah. So it's big troll, right? It's 30 feet tall. Oh, no. That is so many dads. That's only five dads.

In my brain, I was like, Tom, that's 10 dads. Every dad is three foot tall. It's about nine meters tall. That's a little bit taller than me. Yep, so this troll is very thin, fairly muscly, 30 feet tall, has three heads coming out of the head hole, has two arms coming out of one of its shoulders, has a little face on a pec, a bigger face on, like, the abdomen, and then one eye

and mouth on the belly. It's also got an extra three arms, plus, like, hand, like, talons coming out of one of its elbows. It just looks like someone broke a person. Yeah. It looks like a, like, it looks something like The Thing. It is truly awful. I was expecting, like, a big lumbering Harry Potter bastard.

I was expecting a Harry Potter bastard. D&D, why have you made this so scary? I think, like with all creatures, I think it's scarier when you make them agile. And this thing looks like it could run. Yeah, I regret touching the statue, Cass. Because if I hadn't touched the statue, I wouldn't have to look at that. And now I have nightmares brewing in my brain. That's ruined our real lives.

That's exciting. That has had a ripple effect into my life. Quick question. So if you were to fight side by side along with one of the NPCs, who would you pick? Who do you reckon? Dragonbite. All right. Pop gets Dragonbite. Tiffany, Who do you reckon? Dragonbite. All right. Pop gets Dragonbite.

Tiffany, what do you want? Flask of wine because I love him now. So it bursts through the trees at you. Gosh, you just don't know how trolls work. No one? No one knows how. No one here knows how trolls work. It's a skill check.

I got a re-roll skill check. Would you like to? Yeah. Mine are all attacks. Not me, because I'll just have to think really hard again. You still just don't know about trolls. Oh, no. Gosh, no one rolled, like, above, I want to say, six on that.

Out of? You're all just abysmal when want to say, six on that. Out of? Y'all are just abysmal when it comes to trolls. Was that D20s? Yeah. Oh, jeez. Yeah. Filth. Yep.

That's not statistically, like... It's possible. Yeah, but, you know. Because it happened, I guess. Poppin' Dragonbait, your turn. Oh, yeah. So, do you need a refresher of what Dragonbait can do? He's really good with his sword, the Holy Avenger. Oh, yeah. So do you need a refresher of what Dragonbait can do? He's really good with his sword, the Holy Avenger.

Oh, that's right. It does extra power damage. Yes. He can sense alignments. Not very helpful. Is the troll good? Is the troll awful good? Is it just coming to give us a cuddle when it's big, many arms?

No, it definitely looks hostile. I look hostile, but I like cuddles.'s big, many arms. No, it definitely looks hostile. I look hostile, but I like cuddles. No, not out loud. No, it definitely looks like it means you ill. The boy's coming to crush you. Oh, that's right. I like to do extra attacks. Okay, cool.

We're going to attack this troll, Adam. Alright, both of you just barrel forward. Yep, I'm going to hammer and sickle this boy. I'm going to hammer and sickle this boy. I'm going to go for its horrific, horrific belly mouth and try to, like, rip it open. Like, hook the sickles through and, like, just pull its mouth open. Man, imagine how many dicks it has. Oh, no.

No, I don't want to uh i just noticed it's kind of funny that um because of your fucked up leg the first rounds of combat you move a lot slower than everyone else but you have an ability that in the first rounds of combat you move a lot faster so it kind of just evens out yeah it's great hey yeah it's kind of fucked anyway uh sorry i was just quickly looking up that extra attack you get. So you barrel forwards, you light hammer, you sickle, you light hammer, you sickle. All at its belly mouth. You are the fucking ugliest motherfucking monster I've ever seen, and I've seen lots of things.

Hit, hit, miss. Oh, actually. Oh, just barely a miss. Hit, hit, barely a miss. Hit, hit, barely a miss. Hit. Adam, I think you'll find a hit on all four. Re-roll? No, succeed on an attack roll. Oh, succeed.

All right, you hit on all four. Yay! I feel like I wasted that very early in that fight, but that's okay. That's cool. If you didn't use it, then it would have been wasted in another way. You've got to remember that everything is wasteful. There's no way to win except by making your own success. A hundred percent.

You dish out a lot of punishment. You're slashing and hacking and bludgeoning and breaking bones and sinew and skin. Flesh is gushing out at you you are attacking its knee you can't reach its belly oh god it's so big as you do that every time you slash with your sickle you cut deeply tear flesh out but as soon as your sickle has left its flesh its flesh just knits back a little bit not completely but a little bit every time you bring down your hammer you break a bone but when your hammer retracts back you can see that the bone not completely just a little bit resets itself you stupid fucking ugly piece of shit

with your fucking regenerative fucking powers dragon Dragon bait lays into it as well. I want to yell back to these guys. It regenerates. No. Dragon bait scores two decent hits. Dealing. I have nothing. Oh, I could set it on fire.

Ooh. I could set it on fire. i could set it on fire oh it's its turn it begins to heal all the damage you've done to it is slowly being negated almost completely you think beyond just having a natural healing ability you think the troll is resistant to your attacks as well. It's only taking half damage and it's healing. Right, so this ugly fuck... Does anyone know anything about fucking trolls? By the way,

it takes its turn. So... Shit! Dragon bait and pop must make reflex saving throws. Dragon bait gets a 20. Pop fails. Was that a saving throw, Adam? It was a saving throws. Dragon bait gets a 20. Pop fails. Was that a saving throw, Adam? It was a saving throw.

Plus a d4, Phil? Plus how much? D4? You rolled a 2. Oh, no. Dragon bait takes 19 points of damage, and you take 39 points of damage. Are you fucking kidding me?

By my count, you're on 33 hit points. Tiffany and Flask. Flask of Wine has a short sword and a short bow. Does he have anything else? He can move really quickly, so if you need him to... He can do really good bursts of speed

um he makes two attacks um and what's the range on his boat uh for this fight it's irrelevant he can always hit okay uh flask aim for his faces and what would you like to do um which bolt all right you got to get closer to use which bolt is that okay yeah can i run in run out uh yes you can okay flask of wine is going to take a little bit of initiative and he's going to start flanking around to the side as well so flask of wine darts out around the left side of the troll as he plugs it with arrows you move in oh if you move in sorry if you move in and then move away your spell will end if you move out of range so do you still want to do that i just won't move out and can i aim for like the eyes oh i know that's not really how do you know which eyes it's kind of, because as you cast lightning over the troll,

the lightning bounces off the troll's hide. You don't think it's immune to magic or anything like that. You just think that it's a little bit tougher to hit than that. You could maybe try again next turn, but you have cast your spell this turn. You could still... Well, now it kind of doesn't matter, so you could move out of range if you wanted to. Yep, yep, I'll run. You move back out. You're 40 feet away from it.

And Flask of Wine plugs away. He hits twice, dealing his maximum amount of damage, which would be... It's going to be so funny. Nine. Yeah, fuck. Which gets halved down to four

Not rounded up to five Because it's four and a half Nah you round down Unless otherwise stated Fuck you D&D And he deals another four So eight in total Actual damage

Oh my god this thing is Going to suck. How do we not die? Oh, and then it's Artis Simba's turn. Can I talk to Artis before it's his turn? What would you like to say to him? Oh, this fucking ugly thing's resistant or strong or I don't know. Now would be a really good time for that magical ring of yours.

Artis nods. He understands the seriousness. So it's a dire troll it's not just a regular troll so when i was about to say the dire situation you're in i was laughing for a joke that only i could get no that's fine that's the dire we know this now do you want to try it again artist simber understands the dire situation you're in. Adam. Adam. Get a good boy card.

Did you pick him for this? Give me a good boy card. Fuck. All right, cool. Artis Simba's turn. This turn, Artis Simba does not provoke attacks of opportunity. I immediately use it. Hey!

Yay! Get another good boy card. No, no, no, no, no. Artis Simba, as he's darting out, Artis Simber runs out to the left of the creature. So he and Flask of Wine are flanking it on either side. As he runs out, Artis Simber unlumbers his bow and starts rubbing the ring on his finger. He says, would we like to keep this thing in place or simply deal its damage? Oh, that is a tough question.

I've lost a lot of fucking blood. Let's keep it in place, shall we? Yes, I reckon that's what I was going to say. Fuck, I'm sore. A giant hand. The hand is the size of a horse made out of ice. Materializes right before the troll. made out of ice materializes right before the troll it grabs around the troll's midsection and starts dragging it backwards away from dragon bait and from pot it's only barely

counteracting the troll you can tell that the hand is keeping the troll in place but they're like struggling with each other it's terrifying this thing, the fact that it's so awful to look at as well. Like, I'm just imagining, like, if this was real life, I'd be like, sick. I'm just going to die. I'm just going to lie on the ground, like, take me, troll. Hi, hell can't be worse than this. Yeah, you know. Open your chest to the troll.

Surprise, I also have a mouth where I shouldn't. My ribs are teeth. My ribs are teeth. My ribs are teeth. The creature, the troll takes five points of damage from the crushing, clenching hand. This troll is very strong. Oh, yeah, you've not actually really heard it yet. Is this an enemy our heroes can defeat?

Or will they become overwhelmed by the fury of troll? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Chalked. time in zombie-plagued Chult. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at Sandspants Radio, then why not subscribe to SandspantsPlus.com. For as little as $5 a month, you can have access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and content.

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