D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #17 Yellyark

Episode Date: November 9, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio. You don't have to think before you speak if you don't have a mouth. Hello and welcome to Season 1, Episode 17 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chult. Hey Ma, what happened before this happened, eh? What did you swap? I gave her my ball of soft and she gave me her rock of mad. Then he rolled into a puddle where he drowned. No! He is the most unfortunate man in Chult.

Oh, no. The shield guardian has stood impassive and unmoving, awaiting orders ever since. Oh, my goodness. I love that. Fucking brilliant. How would you like to proceed? You get so lost, it brought us back to Vaughn again. No, we are definitely

going the right way this time. This is a separate statue. Well, we should go and investigate it, right? I love fighting tiny dick fucking trolls. We're just gonna make him touch the statue. Yes. For a second there, I was like is that like a troll fact that if they touch a statue, they like die? But then I was like

no, no, because then he'll explode. Dragonbait takes 19 points of damage and you take 39 points of damage are you fucking kidding me by my count you're on 33 hit point this troll is very strong facing off with the troll things look bleak pop and dragon bait oh yes yes what's the range on that magical doohickey on your finger it depends on what spell Pop and dragon bait. Artists? Yes? What's the range on that magical doohickey on your finger? It depends on what spell I'm using. All right, right now. I could be doing this from 120 feet away.

How far away is the city with the amulet, Adam? How far away is what? The city with the amulet. Oh, it's a lot further. Oh, damn it. 120 feet is not very... Yeah. It's not very far. How far away is... It's also important to remember that

this spell will only last for a minute. Yeah, no, I'm thinking quickly. Alright. Adam, is there time for me to... How many times can he cast it? He could do it six times. So he could do six minutes worth. That is not enough time to do what I was going to plan on doing.

Run away, get the amulet, fart it with Vaughn. That's fine. Fuck, all right. You're still pretty far away from Yel-Yark as well. You're days from there. I'm going to heal myself. How so? Using... Using a fucking spell, Adam.

No, with Cure Wounds. But I'm going to do it as a level 2 spell. And then that's my action. And then I reckon Dragon Bait. Just try to hurt it. You recover 10 hit points. Can we run away from it? I don't know. Dragon Bait continues try to hurt it. You recover 10 hit points.

Can we run away from it? I don't know. Dragon bait continues to lay into it. We are doing damage, yeah? Yeah. You're slowly hurting it. Can we run away from it? Any speed I think we could run, even with a head start.

It's got really long legs. I'm sure it could just chase us. It could also grow some legs. I don't know how this fucking thing works. It's like a big gooey sack of limbs and mouth. It could probably just sort of weirdly do a grotesque cartwheel and any legs or limbs that pop out underneath it, it just rolls along. Oh, you're really upset about that.

That is violently disturbing. It's like Just Hey! But it's upside down. All of its weird penises flop out from underneath the loincloth. It's wearing a loincloth. Oh, yeah, he's wearing jocks.

That's why we were all very disturbed when Tom brought it up. Three heads look like they're in a metal band. Odds are evens? Oh no, Adam. I want to say, Cass, you pick. Odds. Odds? Alright, its first attack targets you

and is a hit. Wait, isn't it in the ice? Oh, it's a minute. It's just grappled. It can't move, but it can still swing its fists. With its first attack... Should have got out of the way instead of just healing myself. It brings down one of its many mouths around you, Pop, and bites. It twists and turns and breaks your arm.

Its second attack... Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. ...is also you, Pop. That's another hit. It slams you with one of its four arms. Its third attack is Pop. It hits. Another one of its arms buffets you.

Its fourth attack is pop. No! That's another hit. Its fifth attack is dragon bait. Adam, I'm not good at math but uh... It gets a critical hit on dragon bait. No! Its first attack, its bite

deals 10 points of piercing damage and 2 points of poison damage. Oh, God, no. Is this one of those fun poisons where I can only shout? Adam? Adam? Its second attack with one of its claws. Hey, I'm just doing some quiet math over here while this is happening.

21 points of damage. Oh, no. Oh, no. I should be calculating. I'm on 10. i have nothing to help you it's that third attack that hit you dealt 2011 17 points of damage you're downed it deals you one failed saving throw oh no two because it's a yep you're on two failed saving throws because its fourth attack buffeted you oh out of the way no it just punched him into the ground then it attacks

dragon bait oh that's right it's a critical hit oh your ac is reduced by my ac is reduced by two. My AC is reduced by my whole body is broken and I'm dead. Twice. Hang on. Am I one away? Dragon bait takes 12, 15, 21 points of damage. Is he alive? Dragon bait's still standing. Oh, my fucking God.

All right. Tiffany and Floss, it's your turn. I've seen... You're going to get absolutely annihilated. I saw that happen, dear. Oh my god, it's Tomb of Annihilation. You got annihilated. I got tombed.

Fuck. You did. Wham, wham. I got ovved. Hey, can that... You're an alchemyemy drug can it produce health potion Yes 100 million litres of it

Drown you in health potion 100 million litres you'd be dead But I'd be healthy The healthiest corpse in all of the land Watch him watch him Don't you grab his hand Let him drown let him drown Let him drown drown drown

Oh no It's happening again Flask Go grab him Alright then Flask of wine darts forwards Grabs Pop Starts dragging him back

And as he does that The troll brings a fist down on Flask. I can imagine him in pieces. Flask has to get bits on him. Cut my pop in two pieces. This is my last resort. No, guys, this is my last tort-tort. Flask one takes 13 points of damage.

He took 13, and I took a cumulative fucking 40 something. Oh, it's more than that. Yeah, I know. Over like three or four attacks. That is true. That is true. Flask of wine, however, does manage to drag your body back. So, uh.

All of it? Yes. Well, as much as he can. Pop, you're out of the line of fire now but you're only next you're still next to flask of wine so tiffany yeah you can oh no flask oh if you wanted to cop and attack you could get to pop and try to stabilize him this turn but that'd be your turn and you'd cop an attack of opportunity oh no wait no you wouldn't because the troll's already used his. Okay, well, then I'd like to go and try and stabilize Pop.

All right, but that will still be your turn. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh. Oh, no. Oh, wait, no, trying to stabilize me. Isn't my turn. That's your turn. That's my turn.

Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Tiffany, you fail. It's a skill check, though. So if you've got got anything now's the chance do not do you if you got them if you got them smoke them smoke them um sorry i've got a oh no i'm gonna keep that savings for i might need it oh yes no um i i don't believe that works on oh actually no no it will what what is it? It's plus a d4. Yeah, you might need that. Yeah.

I'll hold on to it then. Okay. I do my best and... You can use a good boy card just to re-roll. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll cash in using my initiative score. All right. Re-roll.

Ah, you do worse. Sorry. You've made it worse somehow. I'm like, I'll heal you. I'll see if I can patch up this My hand's inside of a wound My hand is inside of a wound You get to Pop

And it's just he is a wound He's like covered in His body is broken and destroyed He got pulverized into the ground By the troll after he was down I got bitten in like the middle He is so broken, so hopelessly, that you just, there's just nothing that you can do.

Oh. Yeah. That was Tiffany and Flosk's turn. Artis' turn. So that ring continues, the hand continues to grasp, dealing a further 10 points of damage. And then Ardus. That's good.

At least a little bit. What else can he do? All right, he's bringing out the big guns. Ardus reaches into his coat and pulls out a very large pistol. It's so very large. It fires an even bigger pistol out of its shooter hole. What is it called? I was going to call it bullet hole, but that's what they make.

Gun tube. Tuby booby dooby bit. Chuby shooty. Shooty chooby. Shooty chooby. It shoots a bigger gun. Barrel! It shoots a bigger gun out of its barrel.

Do you want to know how I know barrel? How? You're the voice. Yeah, but I straight up understand. We're not looking down the barrel of a gun. How long can we look at each other? That's not the lyrics right there. You're not looking down the barrel of a gun.

That is not the lyric at all. No, but we got there in the end. How long you're not looking at one another down the barrel of a gun. Ah, lock, stock and two smoking barrels makes so much sense for a shotgun. That is a double-barreled shotgun. Oh, and wine is aged in barrels. It's insane we didn't get this earlier. So anyway, a blast

of cold air erupts from artist Simba's hand as he keeps moving around. The cold buffets the troll. The troll makes a saving throw. Oh my god, stop troll. Stop drop troll. It'll just take half damage.

Just when all that drama was happening and I was dying, I just realised one of my cards, force an attacker to re-roll an attack against you. Ooh. Could have done that. Wouldn't have saved me because I got hit four times. It's still bad, though. You could have not died and you could have run away.

Limped away. Hobbled. Hobbled. Rolled. Barrel rolled. And we're back to barrels. Oh, my favourite of the arrels. Hi, welcome to our new podcast, Barrels of Barrels.

He deals another 20 points of damage. I have no idea how strong this fucking thing is. Just the fact that it's... I know it's been like 10, 20, 40... Pop and Dragonbait. So, what would you like Dragonbait to do? I've fact that it's, I know it's been like 10, 240. Pop and Dragon Bait. So, what would you like Dragon Bait to do? I'd be like, so Pop, what would you like to do? I'm like, Adam's forgotten, I'm dead.

Fight the troll. Heal myself. I would like Dragon Bait to, how did he go the last time he tried to fight the troll? He's doing all right. His attacks don't seem to, it's not resistant to his attacks. He has a magical sword. Yeah, it's magic. My weapons are just super normello um hot i'd like to say to dragon bait fight but i don't because i'm dead

so dragon bait fight dragon bait continues to stand bearing the blunt okay first attack hit First attack, hit. Dragon bait deals a further 13 points of damage. Second attack, ba-bow. Critical miss. Oh, ba-bow. You can use your cards to help dragon bait if you want. Can I use them to re-roll? Yep, you can spend a good boy card to re-roll. I'm going to cash in one of these fortuitous circumstances.

Oh, no, wait. I'm going to cash in this force and attack it to re-roll because the fortuitous circumstances are handy. Oh, yes, they are. They are. I was going to take another good are handy. Oh, yes, they are. They are. I was going to take another good boy card. Instead, dragon bait attack hits twice. Yeah, good.

Dealing a further 14 points of damage. This is good. This is good. Right now, you've got the troll up to 118 points of damage by my count. Huh. Huh. Huh.

Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. We've done that much total. That's what it's on That's how much damage including resistances You've done to it Would you like to make your saving throw?

Yes Adam I would So you're on 2 failed You're just on 2 failed Cool I need to get 3 successes to live If you roll a 20 you're back on 1 hit point Oh my god If you roll a 20, you're back on one hit point. Oh my god. If I roll a 20 and then use my plus d4, am I back on four

hit points? I'll allow it. Oh yeah! Oh, I rolled a one! Oh no! No! No! Does that help at all Adam it's a one does my plus do four

even if you got a four it's still nothing it's not enough what do I need to get to live just out of curiosity at least a ten with that or just without that so you could have gotten a nine and then used that to give yourself up to a ten At least a 10. With that or just... Without that. So you could have gotten a 9 and then used that to give yourself up to a 10.

But a 1, there's just nothing you can do. A 1 is quite possibly the worst thing I could have rolled. It literally is quite possibly. Quite possibly. Anything else had a chance of being saved by that plus 4. Except, well, even like a 2, you'd be like, oh, two, that sucks. But like a one. How's the lows?

Lows? Okay. Oh, no. Cool. Then it is the troll's turn. The troll. Am I dead? The troll heals a little bit.

Adam, what happens to me? Now, Dragonbait is in a rough situation right now. He's the only person in front of it. And it's mean. And it's mad. And it hits. And it hits. And it hits.

And it hits. And it hits. And it hits. And it hits. If Dragonbait dies and I manage to survive this, I'm stealing that sword. Dragonbait goes down. What? Dragonbait goes down. Tiffany and Flask of Wine.

What would you like to do? So you said that this statue was in a clearing. Yeah. Can we drag our friends? Actually, no, I didn't. Vaughn was in a clearing. Yeah, Vaugh statue was in a clearing. Yeah. Can we drag our friends? Actually, no, I didn't. Vaughn was in a clearing. Yeah, Vaughn was in a clearing. Oh, my God, Cass, touch the statue again.

I'm trying to read Adam's face when you said that. Maybe running away would be really smart. Could. Make the troll touch the statue. Yeah, make the. Can I say to Artemis, make the troll touch the statue? Artis gives you a look, like an exasperated look, like, are you serious? You'll have to wait for his turn to see if he can do that.

Okay, I scream, make the troll touch the statue! You look down at Pop, and you can see that he's either dead or he's not. There's nothing you can do at this point. Flask, run them away! And I pick up Pop. Flask will pick up Dragonbait. And we try our best to flee. You're going to run?

Yep. Carrying our friends. All right. So, wait. You're picking up who? You're picking up Pop. And what are you getting? And Flask of Wine, you're directing to pick up Dragonbait?

Dragonbait. All right. Flask of Wine darts in. I am very big. the troll brings a fist down on him weren't we all together dragon bait was in front of the troll that's a critical is it adam or is uh i don't i spent my force of attack in a re-roll bleeder make a dc12 constitution saving throw on a failed save you take a d4 damage at the start of your turn for a d4 rounds he passes so no extra damage but he still takes that regular

amount which is 15 points of damage that fucks him up flask of wine is badly mauled at this point as he he's been crushed crumpled into the ground twice now when the troll brings his hand his fist down on flask of wine and crushes him into the ground flask of wine is actually flattened out against the ground and then when the fist comes back up flask of wine darts starts dragging himself along grabs dragon bait and drags him back as he does that you see like a a yellow no a white energy suffusing flask of wine flask of wine's feet begin to flask of wine moves at a tremendous speed Some would say ten times his regular speed Ah, his magic

Oh my fucking god Yeah, you forgot, didn't you? Cass Yeah? Ask me what my magical power from the snake lady was Hey Tom Yeah, Cass You know how you got a magic power from the snake lady?

Yeah What was that power? Well, that power meant that for from the snake lady was. Hey, Tom. Yeah, Cass. You know how you got a magic power from the snake lady? Yeah. What was that power? Well, that power meant that for basically I could use it once a week and for an entire round I wouldn't take any damage. Oh. See, now correct me if I'm wrong, Tom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, you know, everyone's each to their own and all that.

That's okay, that's okay. Just ask away. Do you reckon that might have helped you? I reckon if I had have used it to not take damage, I wouldn't have taken the 50 million points of damage that I took. I'd probably be alive. Yeah. Oh, that's a shame.

It is a bummer. What a bummer indeed. Artis Simber is holding the troll in place. He waves his hand and jumping out of his hand, forming as it goes, is a giant polar bear made out of ice. The polar bear hits the ground running and starts sprinting towards the troll. Artis, on the other side of the troll from you, Tiffany, looks at you and says, run, run. I'll buy you some time sometimes there's um more bravery and running away yeah so tiffany and pop oh no tiffany you drag pop as far as you can

and as fast as you can okay eventually at some point you can hear tremendous crashing sounds of the troll searching through the jungle. You have no idea what's happened. You do not know the fate of artists, of flask of wine, of dragon bait, of anyone. It's just you and pop right now. You're lying in a ditch. And that's how you spend the night. Oh. And there's just nothing I can do for Pop.

You deduce at some point that Pop is still alive. It's hard to. There's not a lot of detail that you can make out at night. Because you have to switch to dark vision. Where everything is black and white. Oh my fucking god. you can't see me. Oh, no. Well, you can still feel his corpse lying upon you.

Corpse? My power is the... Corpse? By the time... I pretty much am holding your hand all night for safety reasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I'll protect you. There's this big dead... Oh, yeah, yeah, because I'll protect you. Who is this big dead? Oh, no, you're protecting.

Nicest thing anyone's ever done for Pop, and he's too dead to know. Oh, my God. Pop, you're on 32 hit points the next day. The fuck? What? You're not dead. How? You received a lingering injury.

I rolled. See, when you reach zero, when you die, I roll instead a percentile chance to see if you die, die, or if you just receive a... Our meat grinder rules. Yummy, yummy, yummy. This is how you make a sausage. Put it in the grinder.

Grind it all out. Grind it all out. Grind it all out. Grind it all out. Grind it all out. Grind it all out. Make a tasty dish. Better than just normal meat. Oh, yeah. It's wrapped in another meat skin.

Tiffany, you'll be fully healed. So, Adam, my leg is fucked forever. I have one eye, but I did that myself. That was a character choice. forever i have one eye but i did that myself that's a character choice just coming into it being like i should have given myself two eyes unable to heal you you were left broken and bleeding and disfigured in the muck and the mud and the jungle all night that combined with the fell awful evil energy of the troll has suffused your injuries you have festering you are covered in festering wounds that will not seal over you will lose one hit point from your hit point maximum every day.

Oh, no. Can I? You heal myself. You cannot heal that. You need to receive magical healing or a medicine check of DC 15 or better every day for 10 days. And then this effect ends 10 days consecutively. So I get like five days, and then I fuck up the sixth day, and I've got to go back to one again. Yep.

And you will lose a hit point from your maximum every day. So if you work this out perfectly, you will just lose 10 hit points from your hit point maximum. Yeah. Considering when I had to do a savings run, I rolled a one. I reckon I'll be good. A cleric, a powerful enough cleric might be able to reverse this effect, but otherwise. I mean, it's going to take us longer than 10 days to find a cleric. It's going to take us longer than 10 days to get out of the fucking jungle.

Uh-huh. Do we run to- Oh, fuck. We have no idea where we are. Oh, yeah. You have- Tiffany just ran. Am I awake we are. Oh, yeah, you have. Tiffany just ran. Am I awake?

Yeah, you're conscious the next day. Fuck. As soon as you wake up and you're alive, I gave you a big hug. I don't say words, though. I'm all right, Orns. I let go. Where are the others? I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know? I don't know, I just ran. I thought you were dead. I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? I don't know. I just ran. I thought you were dead. I'm pretty sure I might have been. Jesus. I told Artis to try and push the troll back into the statue. That's a good idea.

Someone clever told you that, I reckon. A very good look And I Well we all ran We all just ran Who would have died? Anyone else dead? I don't know You were the only one who

Looked dead dead I feel dead dead You're very Loonzy Be honest How bad? What scale? You've just helped me, so I can't do what I was about to say, which was on a scale of one to your face.

Yeah, you can't do that. That would just make me dead. Whatever scale you would adjudicate my woundsiness. You've told me everything I need to know. It's pretty bad. It's really bad. It's really, really bad. Yeah, I'm fucked.

Do you feel? I feel acutely. Imagine your whole body is on fire and people keep pissing lemon on you because you're all so full of cuts. That sounds very bad. The analogy is terrible because I'm dead. I died. I'm back.

I don't know where anyone is. Do you think we should find them? I don't even know where to look. I don't know where we are. I just ran. You were dying. All right. We'll see if we can.

We'll just sit for a bit. I'm going to do some... Are you all right? I'm fine. I'm fine. All right. You sure? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm okay. Just a bit sad. I'm going to do some healing on myself. Adam? Yeah? I would like to use Cure Wounds, but as a level two spell on myself, just to get my hit points back to their maximum, which is already one less than what it was yesterday. You recover 12 hit points and that's your magical healing for today. You're on 44 now.

Make a little notching to mark down all your magical heels. Oh yeah, because I did one the other day too. Yeah, cool. Just to remind you, you're like red now. You're covered in sores and open bleeding wounds. You are always bleeding. You kind of look like a tiefling.

Funny. Oh. I love A new tap A new reservoir Question It's just my skin that's red Because my shell

I imagine Has it got holes in it? Your shell is maybe cracked Yeah Slightly but yeah No that'd be like A big cracked toenail That's no good

Alright broken face I didn't say that in game That's just me. Oh, that wasn't in game for you either. Okay. Guys, your face is broken. I know. And then you can't frown for more than 30 seconds, you sunbeam.

Does your face hurt? Because it's killing me. Does your face hurt? Because it's killing me. Well, Adam, I'd like to play this fortuitous circumstance in the hope that I may be able to orientate us and get our bearings somewhat. Oh, no, fuck. Adam, I don't want to use that.

Speaking of gifts you've been given, now that you can recall some. I would like to use my burn of ooptow to tell me where... Can I get it, like, how specific can I get it? Let me just do a quick... Because basically this will determine what we go for. Well, if you look for the amulet, maybe everyone will know to meet us there. That's what I'm thinking of going to the amulet, or I was going to get it to take us to Flask.

It allows you to find the shortest, most direct physical route to a specific fixed location that you are familiar with on the same plane of existence. If you name a destination on another plane, a destination that moves such as a mobile fortress or a destination that isn't

specific such as a green dragon's lair, the spell fails. For the duration, which would be a day, as long as you are on the same plane of existence as the destination, you know how far it is and in what direction it lies. While you are traveling there, whenever you are presented with a choice of paths along the way, you automatically determine which path is the shortest and most direct route, but not necessarily the safest route yeah to the destination all right and now a word from our sponsors also hey dnd is fun but if you're wishing that you could hear questions that no one ever thought to ask about

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then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Plumbing the Death Star. I'm going to use it to... I'm going to use my magic power to take us to... Yell Yark? Yes. The spell fails. Wait.

But I know where it is because it's on my map. Yeah. It's a location. It still fails. Which would mean that it either doesn't exist. It's not on this plane of fucking existence. It's not on this plane, or it could be a destination that moves. Son of a bitch.

Well. That was a fucking piss waste of fucking time. Well, my spell is just taking you where you need to go. So could I use mine today? Yeah, sure. In my mind, that would have less of a chance of failing because I'm not naming it. It's naming it for me.

Yeah, your blessing is a lot more powerful than his. Do you know what sucks? Mine was a one use only. It is gone. But I would write that down. That's a piece of information that I think is very important to know. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I've noted that.

Right. So I just tried to use that magical boon of herb tower. It didn't work, which means one of three things. Either the place moves, it's not real, or it's on a different plane of existence. Oh, okay. Well, I'll use mine then uh it'll i'll just be drawn to where we need to go so i won't know where we're going but i'll be drawn there for i think it's only a minute but at least it'll get us on the right track right direction i'm pretty i'm all right navigating i'll navigate his tools i got a compass, I've got a pen, I've got a telescope, I imagine.

Okay, I shut my eyes or do whatever is required for me to feel my spell. Tiffany suffuses with a bright white light that illuminates the area. Only you see it, Pop. Tiffany, you're not really aware of the light yourself. Maybe you see that the area around you is a bit brighter but you don't think anything much of it you you can see you'd like you turn to face a specific direction and it's like your vision your vision like sam ramey's out in front of you you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah you do like a evil deading yeah yeah yeah you're

you're you're like as if you moved through the jungle at a tremendous pace like a speed unheard of it's like everything is rushing past you until everything stops and you see a strangely laid out village it's small there are several huts maybe five in total with some extraneous buildings a little bit further away the entire little village is set on a giant what looks like almost like a lily pad but if you look a little closer you see that it's made out of reeds all woven together. Fuck. There is a giant tree suspended over the village, bent down at an extreme angle and vines connected to the different edges of the lily pad. You can see that there is a tremendous amount of pressure being placed on this tree, like sort of giant village-sized slingshot you're back in your body tiffany you feel great you feel like you know exactly what you're doing you start walking forwards for about 10 seconds you're just strolling in a direction. You move, your footsteps aren't in a straight line.

You're not perfectly moving straight, but you are moving in one specific direction. As you move, you take what it looks like to you, Pop. It looks like strange steps. But as she moves, you see that she disturbs no jungle around her she has picked the exact path where nothing could prevent her from moving forwards this is an amazing fucking ability i love this i'm having the best after 10 seconds it ends but you still you like as it as the magic fades you feel like a tugging around your navel in the right direction eventually that feeling fades away completely as well but provided that you are not driven off this course

you feel like you're going in roughly the right direction oh i've i want to use my compass and be like yeah cool okay you're in that you're on that heading off we go then i think i know why this film may not have worked why the town looks like it's located in the sling of a slingshot. At the town? In the sling of a... Describe it in detail. So it's sort of like a big circular... It almost looks like a knapsack unfolded, and that's where all of the town is.

It's this big circle. Right, right, right. And it's in a slingshot. The whole town is attached to a tree that looks like it's bent back about to fling the whole town somewhere else. The town fucking moves. The town moves. How, okay, horns, how much pressure was on this tree?

Like, did it look like it was about to slingshot in about the next 10 minutes, in the next 10 days, in the next 10 seconds? It looked really tight. Is there any way to know? Impossible to tell. I don't know, but it must be soon. We've got to be fast. We need to fucking move.

Wait, town on a, like a leaf. Yeah, it's sort of woven all together. Adam. Based on my thorough examination of the statue earlier and my knowledge of what grungs are, do I know that this is potentially a grung town? Grungs live in trees, not on the ground. I thought the leap pattern immediately went little frogs and they worshipped the statue boy.

No, no. Oh, my God. Is this a Chewinga town? No, they live in, like, the hearts of trees and apples and gossam spider webs. They can live in both. Sometimes they live in streams or rocks God they're beautiful They're the best

Like man face shaped rocks Did Flask of Wine murder The house of a Murdering someone's house House killer Did I pass my medical check You healed yourself You can either do Healing or make a medicine check House killer. Did I pass my medical check? You healed yourself. Oh.

You need to... You can either do healing or make a medicine check. Okay, okay, okay. Can I heal myself 10 days in a row? Yeah, you can just do that if you want. 10 days in a row. I'm going to do that. But you have to do it even if you're at full hit points is basically...

Yeah, every morning I'm going to get me on myself. That's not what you need right now. But it's a fortuitous circumstance. Do you actually want to use that? Yeah, fuck it. All right. I've got two. Burn the card?

Oh, yeah. I have two fortuitous circumstances, right? I had a card that could stop, make my attacker reroll. I had the ability to not take any damage, and I still fucking died. Tell me how many of those you used. I used a grand total out of the six things I could have used. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're none.

Okay. Like a red hot zero. I think the fault doesn't lie with you. Big fat zilch. That night, as you're deciding that you should probably stop, hold up for the night. Horns, I'm fucked. We should stop.

You can see the lights through the forest, through the jungle in the distance. And you can tell that it's Yelyark. And you're not sure whether or not to push on. And before you can say anything, you hear the ringing of steel upon steel. And somewhere off to the left, you see a gout of flames. It appears there's a fight, a battle happening near you. Well, I think we should be very sneaky. I also think we should be sneaky.

You can't see me when it gets dark, can you? No. Good. Which means they can't. You're a bit sneaky, aren't you? I try, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I try and be. All right.

Let's sneak up to Yelkirk. Yelkirk. I'm a bit... What do I keep calling it? Yelkirk. I died four days ago. Not even. Less than a day ago.

I can't even measure time. It's all right. You're fine. Why don't we use this fight to sneak into Yelkirk? Yes. Look for the amulet. Take it. Get the fuck back out. Why don't we use this fight to sneak into Yell Yark? Yes. Look for the amulet, take it, get the fuck back out. I think that's a really good idea.

Right, we're going to sneak. Okay. And if you lose me, just, I don't know, hum in Infernal. I really like the idea, but I don't know how subtle it is. I'll do it, though. Hum. Why, why, why I order. Hum. I'm a hominin.

No, that's not infernal. That's a decolic. Adam, I hope you know that I speak five languages. Pop talks like this when he speaks common. I'm going to come up with a stupid accent for the other four languages. Four languages. He's already starting. Yeah.

I've got infernal. That's covered off. Mm-hmm. You sure is, boss. I'm going to speak Draconic now. Draconic? Uh-huh. And I'll come up with Aquan and Elvish later.

Okay. When will I have a brain aneurysm? Who's to say this isn't one? For you, yes. Oh, my God. Aquan, I should just speak like Aquaman. As in Jason Momoa. Ooh.

Shaka bra. I love water. You say Aquaman. I have. Why couldn't you say anything he said in the film? Because I don't remember. I'm sure he said, shuck a bra. When I hear speak African, I'm just like, redheads.

Oh, yeah, there we go. There's a fight happening to your left and Yel-Yark before you. What's the plan? Can we suss out what the fight is just so we can know how to- Not without getting a lot closer. Okay, let's just go around. We're going to sneak away from the fight towards Yel-Yark. So you stealth towards the village.

I'm dark at night and no one can see me. Super stealthy Johnson. As you approach, both of you spot tripwires set up with shells and skulls and bones, basically to make a bunch of noise as you approach. Think I may notice them. You step over them without tripping them up and continue towards Yelyark. As you do that, you see figures moving from Yelyark

towards the source of the fighting. It looks like it's getting more and more fierce at this point. The figures are small, maybe halfling-sized, certainly small-sized, but you can't really make them out very well in the darkness. Oh, my fucking God. Adam. Yeah.

Tom's going to ask you a question you don't have to answer because you never do. I won't. Are they veggie pygmies? You don't know. Veggie pygmies don't tend to make settlements, so probably not. Cool, cool, cool. Just guessing all the little animals I've met along the way. Adorable.

I think that's just good for us, right? I hope so. Keep going. Yeah, let's keep sneaking. As you approach... We have no idea where to look for this animal. No, let's keep going. As you approach, you're coming in from the southern end of Yalyok.

You can see there's a big bonfire. And there's a lot of dropped equipment around it. Getting closer you can see in the firelight. The equipment is kind of like shitty. Little wooden stone things tied together. None of them look particularly well made. It's all very like ramshackle. Whoever lives here is obviously uh

strange tribals there is near the fire a wooden cage lashed together made out of bamboo sitting inside it with his legs crossed and his arms crossed looking very sullen and unhappy with the proceedings, is Cooper Louie. Yay! Yay! Okay, I poke you. It's Sprout. Was that his nickname that he proved of?

Because I just called him Wade and he didn't like that. It's a little Brussels sprout. He's here. We can save him. And then he can help us. He can. This is very, very good. What?

Yes. Can you talk tree boy? No. Damn it. No, not at all. Oh. Weed. Oh, no, weed was what we called him.

I used to call him Sprout and he hated it. Is he within earshot? You can get really close to him. There's no one around. Can we still be sneaky when we go in, though? Yeah, sure. Okay, let's sneak in. As you approach the fire, your disparate stealth abilities become very apparent.

Tiffany is way more stealthy than you are, Pop. But you have the advantage of you're invisible to darkvision. But when you get close to the fire it your dark vision advantage is lost basically so pop you're quite visible but tiffany's still a shadow basically i've had a thought i should step back in the old uh you know okay darkness okay you get cool bluey come back here we'll come up with a plan there's a giant explosion that ripples out from where the fighting is a ball of fire consumes a wide swath of trees or fuck stealth let's get kubalooey out kubalooey turns around to look at you and he

gets up onto his feet he stands as tall as he can and his hair barely brushes the ceiling of the cage i like just tap michelle confused i have no idea what i'm doing he procressions on his body he hops up onto the side of the cage and starts rocking it violently. Stop, stop. I try and grab the cage. There's a lock on the cage. Oh, not a lock.

It's bamboo, right? There is a simple lock mechanism here. Can I just smash it with my- Can I just smash it with my- Oh, okay. Can I- Is it really- What is wrong with you?

You have thieves tools. It's like you are a thief. Won't just cutting open the bamboo be faster? A lot louder too. Okay, I use my lock tools. You get me. I'll stand here and I'll keep an eye out for any boiling bubble. With a click, a simple click, the door almost silently opens

as if this were the quieter superior method. Thank God I'm smart enough to know what to do. Koopa Louie steps out and hugs you. Oh, if he can do that without me hugging him first, what a good chance. All right, let's roll initiative, shall we? Who's hiring the hug off? Yeah, Koopa Louie rolled a one.

Hee hee, I give him a big hug. Koopa Louie hugs you back. Good, can I carry him? Yeah, sure. Koopa Louie rolled a one. Hee hee. I give him a big hug. Koopa Louie hugs you back. Good. Can I carry him? Yeah, sure. Koopa Louie hops onto your back. Hee hee hee. Love you.

Hey, Wade, how you doing? He nods to you. Koopa Louie, we're going to get you out, but do you know where the amulet is? He doesn't know we're looking for an amulet, Cass. I never told him. Nothing. I don't say anything. I was going to tell him, so that's good.

Yeah. Wade, this place, good, bad. Koopa Louie gives you a thumbs down. That, point at the fighting, good, bad. Koopa Louie shrugs. He doesn't know. What? Quasha, good, dead.

Koopa Louie gives you a sad look and shrugs again fuck he doesn't know either i put my hand on his hand he holds your hand tight you hear a tremendous sound like thunder from the from the trees you hear it once then twice then three times there times. There's another gout of flames. Do you know what that is? Do you know what any of that is? Old tree boy? Weedy? Koopa Louie shakes his head.

Right. Hey, I'm willing to, I'm willing to, I'm willing to, just going to spitball an idea here. Just going to put it out on the air. Yeah, we'll spit it out. Would you like me to tell you what's around you? Yes. Yeah, that would help.

All right. So you have not yet set foot onto the quotation marks lily pad now that you're a bit closer you can definitely see that it's more like it looks a little bit like a lily pad but it's more woven grass and leaves and other materials it's woven through several sticks

like a dream catcher almost almost, if that makes sense. And like I described before, there's a giant tree with a lot of tension underneath it that looks like it could snap upwards, sending all of this flying forward. You can see that mechanism is to your northeast. So if you wanted to, you could head over there and see how that works out. There are several huts on the mat itself of various different sizes. There's one big mat to your northwest

on the other side of the little town. There's another big fire, bonfire going there. And to your pretty much direct west, there are several earth mounds and some boats near a river that's like a good settlement canoes sorry not boats weed i'm just gonna start saying things at you and i want you to give me a thumbs up if you know what the things that live here is? Koopaloo gives you a thumbs up. Great. Goblin. Thumbs up.

Son of a bitch. You would refer to them as Batari. That is the local name for these. Batari. Thumbs up. Yeah. Goblin. Oh, no.

All right. So it means not friends. Fuck, I hope that fire keeps going for a bit longer. Koopa Louie. It's a fortuitous fight. Oh, Adam. It's almost like I gave you a good-bye card and you've been a good boy. Fights are fun.

Koopa Louie, if I told you, have you seen anything incredibly valuable while you've been here? Koopa Louie nods. Like a shiny necklace, for example. Or a amulet, if you will. Koopa Louie gives it a hard think and then shakes his head. He's not seeing anything like that, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. Where do they keep all the important shit? Koopa Louie points to one of the tents in the little village. Well, we're going to have to check it out, Koopa Louie,

but you'll have us, okay? Let's go. I'm going to make a suggestion. Yes. Before we do this. Yes. Look, it pains me to say this. You're better at this than I am.

Yes. He's handy. I'm going to hide in the shadows. Any trouble, I'll do something stupid. That sounds good. Thank you. Right. Let's go. Good luck. Okay, I'll go to that. That sounds good. Thank you. Right. Let's go.

Good luck. Okay, I'll go to that. Go to the little tent thing. All right. Just you? And Koopa Louie.

Oh, you and Koopa Louie. I'm going to go back into the shadows and just keep an eye on. All right. You'll be a bit

away, like a couple of rounds of combat away if something goes down. Yes, but basically what I'm getting at is can I see if trouble is going to

come to them? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You can keep a watch on everything. Absolutely. I feel like I'm getting at is can I see if trouble is going to come to them? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, you can keep a watch on everything. Absolutely. I feel like I'm not as stealthy. I'm a big limping fucking tortle that's covered in gaping wounds. You're not bad at stealth. Tiffany's just a lot better is all.

Tiffany, you and Cooper Louie stealth your way towards that tent. Standing out front, you can see two two batari or as you would call them goblins out the front the these goblins are very different to the ones you know back at home the goblins you know back at home would be inglesized goblins green skin elongated faces with large, broad but pointy noses and eyes set deep and sullen into their skulls. Maybe hair that just like mats around them. These goblins or Batari are slightly different. While you can see there is obviously a relation, they are obviously of a different type or sort they keep their hair up in buns or tied in braids but somehow it's just as dirty like dreadlocks sort of like

it's like they're they smell about the same they also instead of wearing tattered clothes pilfered from humans and leather armor made out of well any animal they could skin including humans oh yucky instead of that they wear wooden and bark armor which they've obviously torn from trees and they have wooden masks on their faces that seem to, in some way, resemble ants. You actually see on a lot of their armor and on their tents, little ant motifs. That's not good. Ants are terrifying. They're both holding spears and looking towards the fight. What do I have that can distract them?

Because I'd rather not fight them. Cooper Louie, do you think we could take them? Koopa Louie nods. He seems confident in his skills. Okay. I'm going to go for the one on the right. Koopa Louie nods, and then launches immediately at the other one. Which bolt?

I'm just watching from the trees. God, Koopa Louie's a trooper. Trooper Louie. Koopa Louie downs his goblin. I miss his ability to just annihilate enemies so much. He lands on the goblin, rolls around with it. They're both about the same size.

They're both small creatures. They roll onto the ground. As they're rolling, the other goblin looks around facing away from you tiffany and you hear a crack as koopa louie jerks once and the goblin goes limp then your witch bolt goes off you bathe the back of the goblin's head with electricity you deal four points of damage to the goblin not downing it but next turn you'll deal further damage to it sick unless cooper louis gets to him first wow it's initiative now cooper louis goes first he turns around hisses at the second goblin and then launches at that one

i love our little guy he brings down the second goblin. Four more goblins burst out of the tent and Koopa Louie is just the closest one. So they all try to swarm him. Have I seen this, Adam? Yeah, you can see this. Oh, fucking hell. Anna, we'll send the most silent of us into the thing. And then you talked.

That was stupid of me. It's what, Pop has trust issues. Oh, you have trust issues. If you want, you can join in at the end of this turn. Yeah. Koopa Louie takes a slash across the chest with a scimitar. And as he backs up, green Icarus blood drools out of his wound. We never saw him get hit.

He never took a fucking hit when we used that. Oh, my God. Tiffany, the goblin you were fighting is dead. You can redirect your attack so you don't waste this spell any further. Yes. I don't have to speak again, do I? No. Good.

Cat's kind of out of the bag at this point, though. Meow. You blast another goblin. You move the electricity over to a second goblin. The electricity wraps around the goblin, picks it up, and throws it like the goblin was Mace Windu or something. That goblin dies is what I'm saying. Oh, yeah. Koopa Louie's turn.

Koopa Louie launches upon another goblin. Oh, yeah. Koopa Louie's turn. Koopa Louie launches upon another goblin. He lands on the goblin and... Yep, he downs another goblin. He slashes at the goblin's head and a spray of blood bathes a second goblin. Oh, I missed this little lettuce, baby. That goblin steps back.

The one that got hit steps back, turns around to face you, Tiffany, and you can see that it's clawing at half of its face that has been removed. The goblin falls over. It's the goblin's turn. One more goblin comes out of the tent. This goblin

is... She's wearing a long ceremonial headdress. And an amulet. And a pretty, pretty necklace. I'll show you what she looks like. It looks like the Predator, but wooden. Yeah. But little.

Yeah. And a bit fat. Baby fat. Little pot belly Predator. A beef girl. Little baby fat Predator. Gleaming around her neck is a bronze and adamantine medallion that has the word Vaughn etched into it.

Ah, you beautiful little... I'm coming. I've decided I'm coming to this fight too because you guys got caught. What could this mysterious amulet mean? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chult. Thanks for listening. Find out next time on Once Upon a Time's SantsPantsPlus.com. not the word, where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to Sandspans Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon

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