D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #19 Farot the Guide

Episode Date: November 23, 2019

Sign up to our newsletter here. Join our facebook group here. Watch us stream here.You can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Podkeep | USB Tapes | MerchWant to get in contact with us?Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Adam | Cass | TomTheme music by the wonderfully talented Mia (AtomicCupcakes). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANS PANTS RADIO! Public bathrooms are kind of like the sea, and that you really should ignore what's lurking in that dark corner. Hey, handsomes. Do you sometimes wish Jackson could DM for Adam and Cass? Well, do I have news for you. Following in the footsteps of mine and Douche's journey in Dinosaur Park, we're releasing Dinosaur Park 2, Dinosaur Land, to all Sandspans Plus members January 1st, 2020. All you have to do is sign up to SandspansPlus.com at any level from now until January 31st, and you'll get access to the complete playthrough, New Year's Morn. Get in quick, because come February, it'll be only available to Sandspans Kings. So just head to SansPantsPlus.com today and sign up so you can enter the new year listening to the terrible atrocities that Adam and Cash unleash onto an

unsuspecting dinosaur land. Hello and welcome to season one episode 19 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chult. Previously. You can see little dotted fires throughout the woods Then you start to notice that those fires are approaching you. You can see a band of maybe 20 goblins. Yes, you did a good job. You are a better fighter than me. It's true. I forgot how my refrain was. I um, thank you and so does Koopaloo. Koopaloo he nods his head. I feel like I hate him too Maybe not as much as I hate artists. No, no, no. I think I like, I don't mind Quasha.

All of their armor as well has a symbol blazoned upon it. It's pressed into the, pressed into the leather work. So there's no color to it, but you can still make it out quite clearly. It's a diving snake-like shape with wings. You split up and you light as many fires as you can as quickly as you can. Quinkle the Blind is spluttering with anger. But he looks down at the priest next to him. The priest shrugs and Quinkle gets off the horse.

In the Zhentarim camp, you make yourselves comfortable. Adam, if we had to fight that guy, how tough is he? He's quite tough, actually. That was a really hard fight you make yourselves comfortable. Adam, if we had to fight that guy, how tough is he? Uh, he's quite tough, actually. That was a really hard fight you guys just avoided. Oh, man, that's great. Oh, thank God we are peed. Both of you get 2,500 experience

points. Woo! You guys don't understand. That was like this chunk of experience is a third of the way to your next level. Yeah, that was a lot. I definitely noticed that was a lot. Holy shit. How close are we to leveling up now? Less than a thousand away.

You're both are currently 22,075. You need 23,000 to get to next level. Also, while we're making camp, I summon the Guardian to us. Somewhere deep in the jungles of Chult, a statue that has lain dormant for maybe centuries,

certainly at the very least decades, stands upright once more. It turns around northwards and bowling over several batari that had come to it with offerings considering it some sort of god get knocked to the ground as it sprints northwards moving at a blistering pace. Oh my god. It destroys foliage and uproots trees in its mission to get northwards. I'm not born already. It will be here in several days.

That's fine. Big bumbling boy. Until then, nothing will prevent it from making a perfect beeline towards you. Just the idea that... Tree, tree, tree, tree. Just like some people fishing, it's like... Some things are not mine to question.

Yeah, that's... Oh, fuck that. So I guess we're going to wait to see if Flask and Artisan Dragonboat turn up. Okay, cool, cool, cool. So we go to bed. Is it nighttime still? Surely. Yeah, it's still nighttime.

Cool. No, he said it all night talking to our new friends. They're old friends and I don't want to. I've given you compliments. I've praised your abilities a little bit. Still haven't thanked me for saving your life. No, I'm working to that. It's hard for me.

Oh, he wants to try. So, the night passes uneventfully. You are both fully healed. I need to do a heal on myself. And that's number two. Do I have to do... Yeah, I need to do ten times, don't I? Oh, my God, it's so many times.

Ten times in a row. With the healing thing, does it have to be... Can I just use a level one healing spell to do it? Like, it doesn't have to be... Any magical healing spell. Oh, cool. For some reason, I thought I had to do it as a level two, but all right, if it's just...

Cool, I'm just going to heal myself one level one spell. Have you asked Quasher about the... Just in case he knows anything else, it's worth a ask. He's a guide. Maybe he knows of someone around here. I want to ask him, but would Pop ask him? I'm going to ask Quasha. On my behalf.

Because I did think about it. I'm like, oh, Quasha's a druid. No, you don't want to fucking ask him. You're fine. You get half of the sentence out before quasha replies clearly he already knew what the situation was he took well it's not hard i look fucking fabulous yeah pop is covered in gore and open wounds that will not heal properly quasha says i know several places that we could take him and i know several people with magics that could heal him it's certainly beyond me however but with his own magics he

should be able to slowly heal himself by the time that we get him to anywhere where i think someone else could help him he might have fixed it on his own anyway. Ah. Okay, well, I suppose that's good. If you think it's worth it, we could start heading in such a direction. Port Nyanzaru would be the closest and most obvious place, but there are several other places that might be nearby. How long would it take to get to Port Nyanzaru? We're quite near the river. We could head south and get to camp righteousness quite quickly that was the

overrun camp but when we get there they might still have boats lying around at the camp that they didn't take which we might be able to use to get back along the river getting along the river would be the easiest way we would have to find boats we could make boats but in the time to make boats once again he could probably just fix himself. Other than Port Nyanzaru... Do you know how long Port Nyanzaru would take if everything went really well? Camp Vengeance is also not too far. Actually, Camp Vengeance is closer.

How long would that take? A couple... Depends how waylaid we become. But... Sorry, I just love the idea. Of us going all the way to camp vengeance you guys not telling me which way we're going but just that it's to fix me i get to camp vengeance and i'm just like no it'll take him about a week to heal naturally or heal himself rather it's not

naturally naturally he would never heal this but a week to heal himself or three days to camp vengeance and they might be able to help him. Okay, well thank you for that, Quasha. I don't know of anywhere else nearby other than there or Port Nyanzaru. Thank you very much. I go to Pop.

Horns. I would like to tell you something. Yes. No interrupting. I don't like... Fine. We have... I've just spoken to Quasha. We could go to Camp Vengeance in about three days if you don't get waylaid by anything

and they might have an opportunity to heal you, but you could heal yourself in about a week. You done? I'm sure if you activated the amulet on the way, then Vaughn would just follow us and meet us there. Can I respond? I'm not going to interrupt you. Yes, I'm done.

Thank you very much. Deep in the jungles of Chult, a group of Batari goblins are milling about, having a conversation among themselves about a recent kill, deciding who's going to get first pick as finally the youngest of them is allowed for the first time ever to have first pick of the kill he slowly kneels down next to the deer he's excited he's so overjoyed the tastiest part of any deer is its head. The delicious brains within.

The Batari reaches out and a giant metal boot crushes the Batari into paste, killing it instantly. Vaughn continues his sprint through the jungle, not noticing the Batari and not caring what he leaves behind him. I like to imagine that if this was a film, it cut to that and it just cuts back to me being like and that is why I will not get healed

by no mustachioed fuckwit at Camp Vention. Well, I really appreciate you hearing me out. Thank you. That's right. Least I can do. We do not speak for the rest of the night.

Day. It's daytime. It's the next day. Well, we're going to just wait here. My plan is to just wait here. Heal yourself. Wait a minute, horns. Yes?

I know what's happening. What's happening? It's okay. You can just ask. What? You don't want to go to Camp Vengeance. For me, you want to go to Camp Vengeance to see the lady. No.

Nurse What's-Her-Face. No. It's fine. No. I get it. It's okay. No, it's... I'll be honest.

I asked Quasha and that was the one that he suggested and I was merely overjoyed at the prospect. But I would never have suggested to go there if it wouldn't help you. It's okay, Horns. You're allowed to be selfish. You don't have to dress it up as though you're trying to help me out. It's fine. Really?

No. Camp Ventures really is the closest place. If you want to get here, we should go. Yeah, no. Well, if you want to go and see your friend at Camp Vengeance, we can go see your friend at Camp Vengeance. That's fine. Can I ask you a question?

Yes. Do you know what projecting is? No, and I don't do it. No, and I don't do it. Because if you want to go get healed at Camp Vengeance, you don't have to pretend that it's so that I can see that lady I really like. You know, we can just go. What if it was Port Nianzaro that was three days away?

Would you go then? No, because your friends are not in Port Nianzaro that you want to go and see and visit and check in with. That's why we're going, because that's what you want. Are we about to go somewhere where we both get a nice thing for us to happen and we're going to pretend that we're only going for the other person? We'll give it another day. See if he has catch up with us and if they don't, we'll head off tomorrow. Okay, okay, okay.

I've got this in the bag that I stole from the goblin lady that I set on fire. There's a whole bunch of pens and stuff if you wanted to write to your friend. Okay. I walk away very quickly. Adam, when I've summoned Vaughn, he just goes to where I am? He comes to you, yeah. So if I move, he'll go? Yeah, he'll follow you.

He knows where you are. Every shield guardian has an amulet magically linked to it. The shield guardian can have only one corresponding amulet, and if that amulet is destroyed, the shield guardian is incapacitated until a replacement amulet is created. A shield guardian's amulet is subject to direct attack if it isn't being worn or carried. It has such and such AC, yadda yadda. A shield guardian's solitary focus is to protect the amulet's wearer. The amulet's wearer can command the guardian to attack its enemies or to guard the wielder against attacks. If an attack threatens

to injure the wearer, the construct can magically absorb the blow into its own body, even at a distance. A spellcaster can store a single spell within the shield guardian, which can then cast the spell on command or under specific conditions. Many a wizard has been rendered helpless by enemies only to surprise those foes when its shield guardian unleashes potent magical power. This thing is fucking awesome. This is so good. And it can take damage for you. Yes.

That'll be so good because you'll be down. I'm already a fucking tank. Yeah. Oh boy. Needed that for the troll. If you are within five feet of the shield guardian, it gives you plus two AC. Holy shit. This is insane.

And if it's within 60 feet of you, any damage you take, it takes half. This thing is insane, Adam. And it regenerates 10 hit points a round. Oh. I love this thing so much, Vaughn. Man. You're not going to give him, are you him oh oh fuck no no way absolutely as into to the prince boy yeah yeah it's a it's immune to poison to being charmed to exhausted frightened paralyzed and poisoned it has blind sight out to 10 feet so within 10 feet

all around it it can see perfectly, it can perfectly sense people. It's like if you had to fight one of these. It would just be less painful for you. Yeah, just neck, just dark vision to 60 feet. It's going to be fucking hilarious at night when it is trying to protect me

and it cannot fucking... No, because you have the amulet, it's always aware of you. That's true uh it understands commands given it to any language but it can't speak just the idea that you go into dark vision and then vaughn's like big shield guardian looking around in a bit of a sad panic like when it goes and then like finally be like oh god yeah that's fine papa yes, yes, yes. No, I protect you. I protect you. You mean nothing to me, Papa. AC 17, hit points 142. Jeez Louise.

Fucking hell. I love this shield guardian. Cass, I am not giving it up to that man. Wakanga. I'm excited to see as you fall in love more and more with the Shield Guardian. What do you mean more and more? More and more. It will only compound as we do a fight.

Whether your love translates into this is my only friend, he doesn't talk to me and I love him, or whether it translates to if this isn't in a museum, I will personally make sure I die. Both. My best friend belongs in a museum. Just to recap, trading this to Wakanga isn't necessary. No, you don't have to.

Wakanga is like, I would like it, and I'd give you, he's willing to give you like a large sum for it. And that would assist us in getting this soulmonger or was it we were going to trade it for something? He's basically going to give it to you for a nearly complete spell book. So it'd have just a bunch of spell scrolls in it for magic that you could just do on the fly. You'd get, I think, I forget how many exactly, but it's like 16 spells. Who needs magic when you have a tank? A magic tank.

Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. That's not a tank. Tank, tank. Vorn, vorn. Oh, fuck. I wish it was a Pokemon. It just said its name. 15 spell scrolls.

15 spells that you could just get for free. Along with a large sum of cash. And a bit of money, yeah. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. So, Wakanga have a museum, Adam? Yeah, he does. Yeah, but... You don't know that Vaughn's going to go in the museum, though.

Yeah, that's the problem. If I knew that, he could have him in a heartbeat. It's also not a public museum. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah, no, probably museums are the worst probably museums the worst oh no the best museums people don't go in them people should preserve forever away from everyone wow um cool i'm just trying to yeah just had to get my head around whether i would have to come up with a way to convince wakanga or something else or if but we don't even need to worry about the giving Vaughn. So that's good. We can just press on.

Did you know where the cell... Fuck, I can't remember what's happening. I'm so overwhelmed with the fact we have this amazing robot. So I guess we wait. Do you want to wait another day, see if the others arrive? You said that? It's up to you. Your very injured Vaughn will follow us.

I mean, really. Natalie very injured Vaughn will follow us. I mean, really, now that you have Vaughn, do we need anyone else? Probably not. No, what do you think? Maybe I want to kill Artis and steal his ring. Oh, yeah. Belongs in a museum. Abso-fucking-lutely

Nice ring, it would look better in my museum Put the ring on Vaughn, put Vaughn in the museum Vaughn would be unstoppable He would be Vaughn can use magic Summon that polar bear, put the polar bear in a museum The day passes uneventful So does the night as well

The next day, you're both fully healed But you'll have to cast a spell in the morning Just to keep things going so does the knight as well. The next day, you're both fully healed, but you'll have to cast the spell in the morning just to keep things going. How's all those? Nice. On this, I guess, third day here, I suppose. Yeah. On the third day here.

We're preparing to leave. Yeah. Yes. You can see... Did you guys hide your... Where did you camp, by the way? Did you camp on where Yelyark was? Well, is that where we are?

Yeah. Yeah, I think we would have camped where Yelyark was because it was a clear opening, so our friends would have been able to see us really easily. So, on that third day in the morning, you see two figures emerging atop the hill to the south out of the tree line as they get a bit closer you identify them as flask of wine and dragon bait as they approach you can see that a flask of wine is yammering away incessantly at dragon bait who can't respond but is nodding

along politely oh it is a pleasure to meet you again, friends. Flask of Wine says, interrupting his quotation marks conversation. I run up and give him a cuddle. Flask of Wine cuddles you back. I love to backseat. It is been too long. Much too long. Are you okay?

I am fine, of course. How are you? Yep, fine, fine. Dragonbait, are you okay? am fine of course how are you oh yeah fine fine dragon bait are you okay dragon bait nods slowly you can see a lot of scars and wounds on him he looks a little worse for wear but he's doing okay now dragon bait maybe also hugs you i was about to ask is he a hugger okay cool good gets cuddle flask of wine uh sprints past you and has the reunion with Koopa Louie and Quasha, who both seem quite happy to see him. I dragon bite.

Dragon bait nods. And dragon bait smells like... Tar. Tar? I don't know what tar is. Celebrational victory. Oh, good. I didn't have that one.

Oh, that's right. You found out about all the smells and I refused to. Yeah. He's celebrating. That's good. Dragon Bait, have you got a small moment, just privately? We'll leave those three to Reun. You need me to translate smells.

Yeah. I want to tell Dragon Bait that the Black Network group are looking for him and artists. Dragonbait hisses when you refer to the Zhentarim and the Black Network. Have you run into them before? Dragonbait shakes his head. Oh, no, actually, Dragonbait nods. I'm assuming they want your mate's toy.

Dragonbait nods again. Where is he? You smell very powerfully honeysuckle. Oh, I'm so concerned. I mean, like, turn and look at you. Honeysuckle and ham. And Dragonbait shrugs. He doesn't know.

Ham's nervous. We'll worry. Okay. He's stressed about his friend. Do you know their leader? This bald elf. Scour on his face. Arrogant fuck.

We stole his horse. Actually, even better, we can blackmail him into giving it to us. Oh, yeah, you have a horse. I'm not even going to ride it. Dragon Bait shakes his head. He doesn't know this person. That's all right. So you haven't seen an artist since he was holding everything off for us? Dragon Maid shakes his head.

We should go back and look for him. We should. So, No Camp Vengeance. We're going back to, well... How far away is that fight? The area where that statue was where we fought the troll. It's a couple days back, the way you came, obviously. Yeah.

Maybe three days? I can just keep healing myself. You know that if you suggest it, I'll be like, yeah, we're not going to Camp Vengeance. I do. Basically, I figure that if I don't go to a healer, I will end up on a max HP of 74.

But you do now have Vaughn. I do now have Vaughn. What do you think you want to do? I know it'll... What are you talking about what I think I want to do? We should go find an artist. It can't be just irrelevant to how I feel in this current situation. You sure? Positive. I was only going there for you, eh?

I was only going there for you, eh? I was only going there for you, eh? Forget about it. Forget about it. We're forgetting about it. We forgot about it. Dragonbait, we're going to find your friend, okay? Dragonbait nods. Distantly, somewhere in the jungle,

a Tyrannosaurus rex is slowly stalking its way upon a group of smaller herbivore dinosaurs. As it gets closer and closer, the Tyrannosaurus's heart beats faster and faster. It knows that it'll get one, but it's going to want two. It's excited for the chase. It's about to launch itself out. But as it does, as it lowers itself to launch itself out but as it does as it lowers itself to launch itself out the tyrannosaurus rex unknowingly puts its head in the way of a gigantic beast made of wood and metal and stone in order to

get the head out of the way a giant stone fist slams into the side of it the tyrannosaurus rex is completely flawed and blacks out for a moment as it slowly comes to all it sees is giant footprints in the marsh and retreating away to the north a giant man-like creature. The Tyrannosaurus Rex feels fear. These interludes are the best. Oh, yes. We start heading back. We're going to meet Vaughn halfway because we're heading back towards him,

towards where we fought the troll. Sick. And where Artus was last seen. Caution, Kubalu, we changed plan. We're going back to find our friend. They're both not. Artus Simba. You may remember him from the story I told you when we met and also those guys who want him.

Fair, fair. It's Dragon Bait. He communicates through smells. Quasha shakes Dragon Bait's hand. Koopa Louie climbs up onto Dragon Bait's back and sits with his legs around Dragonbait's neck. Oh my god.

Oh, we've got some good friends. Flask of wine in the lead, you head south. Oh my god, that's gorgeous. What beautiful companions we have. Oh no. Uh oh. Had. Uh oh. Don't do that. Oh, no. Uh-oh. Had. Uh-oh.

Don't do that. That's mean. Maybe. I don't know. You just gave us our whole team. I did. I did. I did.

I did. The Lord giveth. The Lord will fucking take this shit away. I don't believe in the Lord. I'm agnostic. I believe in too many Lords. Oh no. Oh my god.

That's morbid. What? Adam. Adam, you can't cackle and then say that's morbid and pretend like everything's fine when everything is not fine. You've got to tell us what's going on, buddy. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Adam! Don't kill our friend. If you must kill someone, kill Quasha. No. Did we just happen upon something? All right, that's for another day. Adam.

Adam, what the fuck just happened? A flask of wine as you're traversing through the jungle puts up a hand he's seen something and flask of wine obviously takes a second to register what it is but when he does you see him get like really low to the ground flask of wine's ears drop completely and his tail flattens against the ground. Flask of Wine is just getting lower and lower and lower to the ground until he's basically like a cat cowering. I copy. Immediately.

I'm in, Michelle. Flop on. Stepping out of the wilderness is a creature that looks half man, half tiger. It's not a tabaxi, whatever it is. It's too big. It's still medium-sized, still man-sized, but like basketball or height bodybuilder build. No. No, that's bad.

The creature approaches and kneels down, sniffing near Flask of Wine, who begins to back up towards you guys. Flask of Wine hisses, We're Tiger. Right. Having gotten that reaction from Flask of Wine, the We're Tiger straightens up and looks about your group. Do any of you speak common? How's it going?

Oh, no. I mean, you can talk too. I might interrupt. Keep going. Can I help you? I am Faurot. Who are you? Mandarin.

Of the Mandarin River mandarins. Would you like me to guide you? Where to? Where are you going? Hang on. What are you doing out in the middle of the woods? I live here.

Doing what? I am not welcome in society. None of my kind are. You know, lycanthropes aren't allowed in most polite cities. I stand up.

I know how you feel. Are you okay? I am fine. The years in jungle have made me strong. You look very strong. Did you want payment for guidance? No. Why do you want to guard us then?

I seek only to aid the lost. By the lost we got a guard. He's that guy over there. Flask of wine. Flask of wine shakes his head and he says, do not compare us. My assistance is free and welcome. All right. Now, imagine you're wandering through the jungle with some friends of yours.

I understand you don't have them, but just pretend you do. And you run into me. I'm a big, ugly-looking fucker. You don't know me from a bar of soap. And I say to you, Hey, friend-o, I'll guide you through the woods for free. What's your first instinct? Fagroot.

Farot. Farot. My first instinct would be to trust him. Why would he not be honest? If I wanted to fight you, why would I not now? Okay, see this? Point to my missing eye. This is what happens when you trust things that you shouldn't.

It is, uh, how you say, on the table now. Take it or do not. We- Let's, uh, let's confer. Well, if it's just wanting some company, it feels awful to have people in your society turn you down all the time. Oh my god, you're such a pushover for a bit of a hard luck story. I get it, jeez, but come on, for a bit of a hard luck story i get it geez but come on have a better quasha

butts in if i may where tigers are neither good nor evil as i have heard um wait quasha can speak infernal no he's speaking common but you would know from the accent yeah true no quasha says i uh uh yeah i i don't know if this person is or is not planning on betraying us, but I don't think so. All right, big fella. If he wants to kill us or take our stuff, he'd stalk us anyway. That's actually quite a good idea you had in your brain space. Yeah, well, I know what's to trust about people's and what ain't to trust about people's.

You're good like that, you know. I don't say it enough, but you're good at the trusting and the not trusting. Really? Forget about it. We'd love to have you come with us. All right, then. Let's ask.

No, though, if you betray us, I'll break you like a chicken bone. The corners of his mouth curl into a smile. You can try. Oh, it wouldn't be us. Yeah, no, I'm not going to tell him that I would break him like a chicken bone. And by I, I mean the big guardian protecting me distantly somewhere near near the river mandarin i don't know if that's actually yeah no i think that yeah i think we're about close enough near the river mandarin a gazelle

slowly drinking water the gazelle has in its lifetime never really understood the magic that it lives its life with it doesn't know that sorcerers exist that a person can conjure a fireball and throw it but this gazelle today understands that some things are beyond its understanding the gazelle looks up and sees as a giant metal stone and wooden man pushes over a tree the gazelle thinks at first that it must be to to cross the river with but actually the tree was just in the way coming up to nearly its head the metal wood and stone man sprints through the water slowing down only slightly it continues off into the distance and the gazelle wonders what just happened, then goes back to drinking. We have a new follower. Lead the way.

Farot the were-tiger leads you very safely through the jungle. You do not have the second encounter that made me ooh and ah. Can you tell us what it was? If we had have knocked him back, you would have had a very, very intense second encounter. Can you tell us what it was? If we had have knocked him back, you would have had a very, very intense second encounter. Can you tell us what it was? Nope. Are you going to use it later? Maybe.

No. So he was, he was, he, is Sarod just a genuine, just genuinely being helpful? Yeah. Man, I'm so mistrusting. Yeah. Well, that's what happens when, you know, you grow up thinking the world's your enemy instead of the world as your oyster.

A were-tiger offers to escort the party through a particularly dangerous stretch of wilderness. It has no ulterior motive and doesn't ask for payment. If the characters accept its assistance, they have no hostile random encounters while the were-tiger is with them. its assistance they have no hostile random encounters while the were tiger is with them it leaves after 24 hours or when it reaches a location it does not wish to explore we don't have it forever no just for the day but no hostile encounters we continue on at the end of the day uh the were tiger is going to stay with you overnight and just watch over like the were tiger picks a perfect place where he's like no one will attack you here

or you will have no issues sleeping here tonight the were tiger even suggests you all just go to sleep he's like don't even stress there's just nothing is going to come at you but you can still set a watch he won't be insulted that's just fair and now a word from our

sponsors also hey D dnd is fun but if you're wishing that you could hear someone reaffirm that you are not alone in this crazy world then do i have news for you why am i sad is a show by cas zamet george and ruby where they as my dad calls it are too positive so if you like the sound of, or if you want to know why my dad refused to smile at the birth of any of his children, then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for why am I sad? Can we offer him honey?

He doesn't want anything. You didn't ask. I would like some honey. That was flask. Well, maybe we should make some honey. It looks like we're safer tonight. Oh, make some honey. I'm still taking watch, though.

Okay. For Rotten? Yes. Would you like some honey? I do not need any payment, but I will accept it. It's just food. You can eat the honey. We're only making it because of flask of wine anyway.

I love flask of wine. I love every tabaxi in the whole world. And this guy's just a big Tabaxi. He's just big. Can he transform to and from or is he just stuck as a tiger? No, he can change into a human form as well, but he's stronger and more agile and more powerful in this were-tiger form. So he just tends to to if you have a

conversation with him about it which you wouldn't but kwasha would if you have a conversation with him about it he uh he explains that he's been in were tiger form for so long that he he's kind of forgotten what his human form looked like i mean you don't you talk to him wouldn't you i don't want to be rude, though. No. Yeah, no, you're right. I'd just be like, I'd ask him about his feelings, how he feels being in the jungle. Is he okay?

Is he lonely? Explain what life's like for me back at home. As I'm explaining, realise that it's really not comparable because I wasn't literally ostracised to the point of not being able to live in my town. not comparable because I wasn't literally ostracized to the point of not being able to live in my town and I was um like you know upper upper class like my dad lived in a castle so as I'm explaining it I'm like oh no but I still tell him everything because I have to tell everyone everything and I get my story out and I say, I understand. I mean, you know, not understand, understand, because, I mean, I was allowed to live at the house.

I just, no one would talk to me. Everyone's really scared of me and that's sort of, I mean, I guess we were scared of you too and I'm sorry. You're really nice. I shouldn't have done it. I mean. Farot interjects every now and then in your conversation with his story about becoming a were-tiger.

How did it happen? He was just like a commoner in Port Nyanzaru and on a logging, not mission, on a logging job. They were swarmed or the guards were swarmed by zombies, got overrun. The camp kind of fell into a bit of a disarray. Everyone was sprinting out in different directions and for what was rescued by a were tiger but not before a zombie bit him and infected him with a disease the were tiger explained to him before the were tiger did it but explained to him that the only way to prevent the poison or the disease from killing him was to infect him with lycanthropy oh my god

that is so fucking tragic and so he infected farot with lycanthropy but once the uh once the lycanthropy had set in farot was no longer welcome back in port nyanzaru that's so sad what about what about the way the way tiger that helped you? Do you still keep in touch? Long dead. Oh. I'm so sorry. Life in Chult is short. Ain't that the truth.

Well, did you have to go? You're so welcome to stay without... You don't have to. I mean, we're going places that are dangerous, but... I sense my destiny is elsewhere. He he says looking kind of in the middle distance you can it's like he's staring at something that isn't there okay well um i give him my home address all right if you ever if you ever want someone to write to if you get lonely, you can always write to

me. I let that hang. Farot says, if I am ever in a situation where I may be able to send you a letter, I will. Thank you, Farot. In the night, fires

blaze around the Zhentarim camp. Oh, yes. Quinkle the Blind looks across the fire at the priest, Dirklove. I was very pleased with that name. Dirklove? Dirklove, yeah. Is Kirkle blind? No, he's just, like like got a scar over one eye

It's not even blind to them I thought you already tested him Because you were like, what do you see? And he's like, I see ten fires I'm like, okay, cool, smart We know he's not blind now Oh no, I was just being an arsehole I'm being like, come on man, look at all my fires

Do you want to like to imagine that he was blind And we took his support animal? No! I mean, good for us I spat all over myself. You have a horse. That's right. God. What's the horse's name? Whatever you want it to be.

Good. You should... Name the horse Hank. Someone should write down the horse in their inventory before we forget that you have a horse. Hank's a nice name. Yes. Oh, sorry, I... No, I'm inventory before we forget that you have a horse hank's a nice name yes oh sorry i no i'm agreeing it's a good name for a horse it's a good name well done that's all i was

quinkle the blind looking across the fire at dirk love says i'm sure of it. I remember the story so vividly. I'm sure of it. It must have been a... Quinkle the Blind is crumpled forwards and broken completely. Quinkle the Blind dies, folded over himself by a giant metal boot. I fucking love that we fucked them over twice dirk love quickly tries to stand up in shock and horror but a second foot kicks through the fire slamming into dirk love's chest sending him 15 feet up into the air until dirk love's back hits the underside of a tree. Dirk Love's body wraps around that lower

branch, which snaps off and falls. Several other enforcers get up, one of which drawing a sword. When that enforcer draws the sword, the giant metal stone and wood man stops.

It has identified a threat between it and its objective. Yes! All right. Sorry. Do you set up like a fire? You don't have any tents. Actually, you know what? You do absolutely set up a fire.

And you tie the horse to a nearby tree. Yeah. Is Farot still with us tonight? Yeah, Farot will be with you for the night. Farot says, though, you will not need me. It should be safe through the night tonight. Thank you. I'll take first watch.

Okay, I go give Hank lots of pats. All right. And I give Hank a bit of honey. You're giving Hank lots of pats and a bit of honey. And then Hank starts whinnying. Hank looks a little panicked. And then a moment after Hank senses it, you sense it. and a bit after tiffany senses it the rest of the camp senses it ferrot is immediately on his feet there should be no one oh that's not no one

a tree explodes into splinters and vaughn is before you. Vaughn has an arm draped over his shoulder. The arm is still clutching a sword. Do we recognize the armor? No, no. It's just an arm. Oh. It's an arm. A disembodied arm.

It's not there. Vaughn did not put it there. It just, after the fight, after a fight, it just remained there through the gore. The hand of the arm is clutching tightly onto a sword. Vaughn is covered in gore. I thought you're right. Vaughn says and does nothing. Can he nod?

No. Oh, he can nod, but you got to tell him to nod. He doesn't answer questions. Vaughn, very gently bump my fist. Vaughn's giant hand stretches out and then one by one, each of his fingers curl up into a fist. This is going to go so good or so badly. up into a fist. So good or so badly. He lowers it down to you, and with the precision and gentleness

of a mama bear picking up its cub, he gives you a fist bump. Right, ladies and gentlemen, this is Vaughn, shield guardian. I'm so glad Vaughn's here. Is Hank okay? Hank is freaking the fuck out, but no, calms down when the shaking stops. I try and give a lot of pats to Hank. Farot, Vaughn, Vaughn, Farot, Vaughn. Yeah, you managed to calm Hank.

Flask of wine, flask of wine, Vaughn, Vaughn, Quasha, Quasha, Vaughn, Vaughn, Cooper Louie, Cooper Louie, Vaughn, Vaughn, Dragon Bait, Dragon Bait, Vaughn, Vaughn. When you introduce Cooper Louie, Cooper Louie walks over and just, Vaughn. When you introduce Koopa Louie, Koopa Louie walks over and just- Vaughn does not move his hands, but Koopa Louie grabs one of the hands and moves as if it's shaking with it.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Koopa Louie's beautiful. Oh, Vaughn. Hank. Hank. Vaughn. Vaughn.

Horns. Horns Vaughn. A curtsy to Vaughn. I reckon we'll be safe here for the night. I give a massive grin to Farod. Farod looks very shocked. I

imagine you will be very safe. And so will you. Yep, couldn't be so safe. We go to sleep. I don't take watch, Adam. I tell Vaughn to do it. Vaughn turns around so that he's... Your camp is kind of like in... It's not a proper cave, but there's like overhang of rock above you.

You're in like a divot in a rock face. Vaughn turns around so that he's facing outwards. Is Vaughn as big as the Iron Giant? No. Vaughn is large-sized. So imagine him nine feet tall. No, smaller than Bumblebee. Oh, actually.

Bumblebee from the new movie where he can fit in a garage but crouched. Yeah, Bumblebee from the new movie. Yeah. Hulk. Is he like Hulk? Yeah, he's Hulk-sized. Cool. Okay.

Great. So he can't sort of sit a bit cross-legged and we camp in, he's Hulk sized. Cool. Okay. Great. So he can't sort of sit a bit cross-legged and we camp in between his legs for safety. No. He can't go in like a dog position and we camp under his body for safety. I think in... He can't do downwards dog all night to create a... I mean, he could. A vaude teepee.

I could order him to downward dog. Do I have to give him verbal commands or could I just think it? I believe he needs verbal commands. Right. Unless I want him to come to me, in which case he just. Oh, no, no, no. Actually, sorry. Yeah, it would be all mental commands.

Fuck, I'm going to have so much fun. My mistake again. It is verbal commands, but he can hear you no matter what, so long as you're holding the amulet. Okay, so I could be miles away and you look. Save me, Vaughn. So long as you're on the same plane of existence. Older versions of D&D have a picture that gives you an approximate height.

Oh, okay. Oh, okay. He's not as big as I thought. So if we were to look at Vaughn, if a- We look up. Yeah, but if a standard human were to look, their eyes would lock with his belly button, not that he has one, he was not born.

Yeah, you'd be looking at his belly button. They've, like, put a belly button in him, design-wise. Can I appraise Vaughn from an archaeological perspective, Adam, and learn anything about him or about how he was made or just get really fucking excited Vaughn is probably less than 50 years old. He's not much of an archaeological find.

He looks fucking sick. He'll be old eventually. Keep him in a museum like a fine wine, he'll just age. Sell her that piece. Imagine if I just gave him the command right now, go to the museum. Oh, my God, you could. If you had the amulet.

Imagine he just goes all the way to the museum, just smashes a hole in the wall. We get in a fight. I'm like, come back, Vaughn. Stands up, turns around, smashes just next to the hole a new hole. Anyway, let's camp, and I guess next morning we'll go looking for Ardis. The next morning for Rot the Were-Tiger is gone.

He left in the night. He didn't leave a note or anything? No, he did not. That's fine. I say nothing. There's nothing to say. I'm not surprised. All right, we're ready to go.

Yep. You're right, I was. Yes. Okay, then. I go give Hank a cuddle. I'm not surprised Alright, we're ready to go Yep You're right, I was Yes Okay then I go give Hank a cuddle Hank is cuddled Horses never minded the look of me No one here does, but animals never really did

Are you saying anything? Nah, you definitely look mopey I whisper this to Hank You can't spell thank you without Hank Hank you No, you definitely look mopey. I whisper this to Hank. You can't spell thank you without Hank. Hank you. That's what we used to say. Does Hank have any... Magical qualities?

No, what is horse clothes? Saddle. Does he have a saddle? Yes. Yeah, does he have other horse accoutrement? No, it's too hot. Does he look like the horse from rapunzel no he's a uh a uh roan color what the fuck is roan roan horse from mulan

roan yeah what's roan i think you mean ronan keating the. You say it best. Right. Okay. Denoting an animal, especially a horse or cow, having a coat of a main color thickly interspersed with... Oh, I thought that was a specific color. Sorry. No, yeah, he's like a chestnut-y color. He looks like Spirit from the movie Spirit? Yeah.

Stallion of the Cinnamon. Stallion of the Cinnamon. Yep. Stallion of the cinnamon stallion of the cinnamon yep spirit stallion horse pack animal of the synonym thank you not many people know this but he has to finish that every time he begins it does um so is it quite hot? Yeah, it's always fucking hot. Well, I braid Hank's mane. Okay. So it's less heat on Hank. As you're braiding his hair,

you see a single drop of water land on his long snout. Then another one lands on your shoulder. Then another one lands on a flask of wine. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. And then. Then another. Then another. And then it's a monsoon.

We had such a good run of weather. We did alright. We waited out. Oh, you heal yourself again today. Oh, you know I do. You're a good boy. Not letting me not forget that. I'm sure you'd remember. Every time you move, you feel a little pain. Oh, you know, I just repress that like a healthy boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you got that thick shell. Keep all my feelings. Quasha says, if we want to search for your friend Artisemba, we should search immediately. Every moment that we wait, the trail gets further colder.

He's right. Is there a way that we can... We're going to have to. We've got Vaughn. We've got Vaughn. Yeah, we've got Vaughn. Vaughn will help protect us. That was incredibly loaded.

No, I don't actually say that because that's a cunty thing to say. Wait. Yeah, we don't... I guess we don't actually say that because that's a cunty thing to say. Wait. Yeah, I guess we don't try to trek too far. Maybe we're just looking for the trail of him. You start heading further in, getting closer towards your inevitable death. Oh, that's every day in life brings you closer towards your inevitable death. It's not as bad as you think. Well, every day in Schultz, you're almost closer to death.

You are closer to death. You both incur one level of exhaustion, except you, Tiffany, who incurs two levels of exhaustion. I assume my legs are smaller than everyone else's. Yeah, you're just getting fuckled by this weather. Does Hank get tired too? Hank. Hank is, yeah, also tired.

Everyone in your party except Vaughn is getting tired. Fucking Vaughn, he's my hero. How have I gone about winning Hank's love? What a great stat for me to now have to keep track of. Thank you, Tiffany. You're welcome. Thank you for providing

me with Hank. Well, fun fact, it's just easy to be, to just say that Hank hates you, so. Does Hank hate her? No. Hank's fine. Oh, my God. Because I have a re-roller skill. Hank loves you as well as any horse can love someone it met three days ago.

Good. Am I at a stage yet where at nightfall Hank and I can snuggle? Have you seen all those pictures about the kids sleeping with cows and stuff? Uh, no. Wait, what? No is into the pictures of with cows and stuff uh no wait what yeah like no is into the pictures of the cows wait what that's sleeping with hank you like tiffany wants to fuck hank no i get it it's the cloven hooves yeah yeah oh no no no hank's a beautiful horse though Oh, no. No, no. Hank's a beautiful horse, though. You can sleep with Hank, whatever.

I mean, it's frowned upon in most society. No. Have you seen the photos of kids in farms having a nap with their cows? When Hank sleeps, you can also sleep next to hank hank will not stop that there isn't necessarily any love to it okay hank just doesn't try to doesn't try to attack you well you know what that's pretty good for me i will take that it's so sad god trying to keep three to six plates spinning at any one time depending on what cash is saying no typically three depending what you're saying up to six oh no yeah you can double my work word but you can also halve it

But you can also halve it. By? I feel like that is like by shutting up. That's what I think it is. That was his words, not mine. No, no, like I don't mean that. I thought that's what you were getting at, and I was like, that's rude, Adam.

I thought it meant if you killed me off. That would shut your character up. Oh, speaking of which. What? What? As you're walking through the jungle, you're leading Frank, Hank, sorry, by the leash. Oh, it's Frank. Hey, you know, I'm just about to be kind to you.

Okay, I'm leading. I'm about to be so kind to you. I'm leading Hank by the leash? Yes, you're leading Hank by his reins. Yes, you're leading Hank by his reins. Your other hand dangling loosely at your left side, and you feel like a leaf curl into it. You look down, and you see Koopa Louie holding your other hand. Like a child.

You have friends. Can I? You have friends. Can I... Cooper Louie looks up at you and you can tell that Cooper Louie just saw that you were sad today. This is so nice. This is so nice. I cherish this moment.

I give his little leafy hand a bit of a squeeze, but I don't want to bruise his leaves, so... Have you seen him fucking fight? He's tough as shit. Yeah. Dragon Bait, Tiffany, you also notice, is walking quite close to you and gives you, like, meaningful looks the entire day,

like he thinks this is very cute. Dragon Bait also noticed that you were sad. Dragon Bait and Koopa louis do their best to cheer you up what does he smell like there's a lot of heavy rain going on but through the rain you can smell honeysuckle oh tenderness or concern will Bait's tenderness overcome the damage life has dealt to Tiffany? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chult. this show and all the other shows we do here at SantsPantsRadio, then why not subscribe to SantsPantsPlus.com. For as little as $5 a month, you can have access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and

content. Once again, that's SantsPantsPlus.com. If you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content, we have just what you need to scratch that itch. D&D is for Nerds Plus, the symbol, not the word, where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to Sants Pants Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for nerds on your favorite podcast app of choice and join us on this epic quest of D&D podcast discovery.