D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #2 Wakanga

Episode Date: July 27, 2019

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I was going to do that thing where I send you a goodnight message, but I just realized because you're in Australia, it's like first thing in the morning. But SoundSpawn's radio, this didn't go to plan. All you handsome dickheads, I'm here to let you know that we're running a three-part D&D campaign over on Twitch this August. It'll feature all your favourites, Cass! And then myself, Jackson,

Adam and Joel Dusha from our sister show, Plumbing the Death Star, will also be there. Come see us fumble our way through Adam's carefully crafted story as we refuse to acknowledge any plot hooks or interesting NPCs in need of help. Part 1 starts August 11th for us, but August

10th for the rest of the world. To find out the exact times and dates, head on over to our Twitter, at D&D is for Nerds, or at Sandspans Radio for more information. Welcome to Season 1, Episode 2 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chult. Previously. For the past several days, the talk of the streets and taverns has all been around the so-called death curse. And so you have approached the only person you know that has any money, Lady Ware, the now grieving widow of Unky Dick. Don't need no maps. I've got this covered. I just know where I'm going and where i'm going is far away from places like fucking here all right i'm pop mandarin i'm a i'm a middle-aged total which means

i'm about 27 uh i wear i've got i don't wear a lot of clothes because i've got a shell and i'm basically a giant turtle i've got a shell that's got a lot of knocks and scars and chunks taken out of it from my time away. I'm also missing an eye. I am a tiefling. I have blue skin. I've got tightly coiled little horns. I feel like my shame just caused them not to grow out as far as possible. I try and braid my hair around them,

but it just makes me look like I have an ablombly large head and there's no way I can really hide my skin. He chose me. I have to choose him. Tiffany explains that her, her father, and another knight by the name of Sir Hector were on a mission to a mission from God. No, from

the king to I guess Sir Hector was on a mission from God. Anyway, they were on a mission to secure a famous and powerful seer. I fucking hate all of it. It seems so alive. I wish it you were dead you don't like being

home what give a very knowing look wakanga utamu deals in magic and law he's the only arcane spellcaster among the merchant princes you know he's a good man typically you have come to see wakanga an ally of Lady Ware. The manner that Wakunga lives at is not nearly as nice as Lady Ware's one, but for Port Nyanzaru, this is opulence. Entering in here, you notice first off that the entire building is lit with continual flame spells, which is to call that overkill is just weight. It's just... It killed you. It was so overkill you died.

I watched the soul exit you. I saw it say, I'm done. You ever like start a sentence telling yourself that you know how you're going to end it? And then you don't? So, entering Wakanga's villa, telling yourself that you know how you're going to end it and then you don't so entering wakanga's villa the first thing you notice is that it is lit everywhere by continual flame spells which is like i said quite decadent it's very luxurious the idea of spending i think it's 100 or 500 gold for every light is just a sign.

It's just him projecting how wealthy he is to the rest of the world. You also notice a soft music, possibly also created by magic, drifting throughout the entire villa. Just so you know, all this, Donny Dick. That's just to you. I say again, cousin. The servants who lead you through the building are all very respectful. In the first entry hallway, they're lined up on either side and all of them bow to you as you walk past as a display of respect.

bow to you as you walk past as a like a display of respect you see that there are many carpets hanging from balconies and ceilings as well and the man who's leading you along as he goes through one doorway you see the carpet reach out and try to grab at him he bats it away though and you keep going watch out for that one you try to take you, huh? Okay Okay It maybe reaches out for all of you As you try to go past I try and give it a high five That's not what I said It wraps around your hand

And starts dragging you up towards it Jesus fucking Christ Leave her alone, huh? Can I grab her and try to Pull her away from the carpet? Can I try to hug it back? Fuck. I'm going to give you disadvantage because she wants to be grappled.

What the fuck are you doing? I just want to be held. Oh, my God. You're pretty strong. You drag Tiffany out of the clutches of the magical carpet. What are you thinking? I would have killed you. Killed me?

They're going to smother you, eh? Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. In Infernal, I'm going, you don't know I speak that, but you do now, I just tell you to be like, cool it.

That's great that there is a literal translation for the expression cool it in Infernal. I look at you with like deer in the headlight eyes like, oh. And I just, no, look, that's it. I've just said cool it and we keep walking. Triple that's some nice things. We should pick an accent for infernal so we can just... Welcome to Otamba.

It's like... Oh, it's significant. I'll call it. All right, let's go. Welcome to Otamu Villa. I am... You can consider me your guide, huh? In around here.

I know the place very well. If you need a hand or if you need to purchase something, my master has a very full stock of magical potions and equipment. Yeah? That's so kind of you to offer. Thank you so much. So kind of you to offer trade. I make money off this.

We make money off this. He makes money off this. make money off this he makes money off this to offer your services to strangers you're you're not strangers you're customers i'm giving myself a bad one that was very good i like that line i'm just amazed that people want to talk to me uh yeah you've you've've encountered literally no racism since arriving here to get into the villa. Your brain must be just exploding. The carpets love me here. There's a picture of Wakanga here.

Oh, hey. He's got a cool beard. He's sitting in a lounge room reclined on a chair with a big bowl of grapes next to him. He's slowly just popping them into his mouth. Eating them? Or just... Yeah, just popping them into his mouth. He's seeing how many he can get in there. No, he's eating them. Wakanga gestures to

some chairs all around them. Please, please have a seat. Lady Ware puts up her hands and says, I'm going to retire to the room I have here. She turns around and leaves. Sleep well.

She just nods back in response. Is it bedtime? Is she going to bed? Probably not. Sun hasn't set yet, but it is like late afternoon, but the sun hasn't set yet. Well, say, have a lovely rest. She acknowledges you with a nod, but she doesn't say anything. You can see...

Well, actually, do you care, Pop? You're looking around to look at this interaction. Should I give you an insight check? At that interaction? Are you kidding? No. Tiffany, you see that it looks like she's about to start crying again. I let her go.

She needs to have a cry. I get it it you think my eyes have been dry one day since dad died he didn't die i'll get him back you sit down next to wakanga and he gestures for you to enjoy some grapes with him you are here with lady where yeah yes yes what are your names? I'm Tiffany. Tiffany Grace. Oh, Tiffany, like your Tiva Ling. Yes. Has anyone ever pointed that out before? He throws a grape into the air and catches it with his mouth. Yes.

Apparently, while my father was writing the birth certificate, he was a bit distracted. I forgot. We established that yeah as he was writing it he was just looking at me going tiffany like tiefling and started writing tief and then had to just finish it because it was an ink oh hang on i don't know that because i don't know he was my actual yeah that's right you don't know because oh no i no sorry i had to write my own birth certificate at 16 when i had to go to um leather bound school because i didn't have one but i suppose he had to fill something out to say my own birth certificate at 16 when I had to go to leather-bound school because they didn't have one.

But I suppose he had to fill something out to say my name. But when he did it, he wrote Teef because he was very distracted. I don't know if that was at my birth, but... Fuck, that's fantastic. I assume that's when he adopted me. It was an ink. He couldn't change it. That's fine.

All his decisions are good and final. And I'm Pop Mandarin. Archaeologist. Pop Mandarin. No, I've not heard of you. That's fine. That's the way I like you, actually. So tell me. Question, you ain't known my fucking brother, have you?

What's your brother's name? Also Mandarin. Oh, maybe that's why I think I know your name, eh? Pip, yeah? Yep. Dragonborn, about this tall. Yep. Breezefire.

Yep. No, wait. Yeah, fire. Sure. Yeah, yeah, I know him. He's been through here once. I remember one time I told him to hunt me a griffon, eh? And he steps outside, kills the griffon, comes back in.

Took him like a minute. That sounds like my brother. I was crazy. I didn't know you could kill a griffon that quickly. You're not supposed to. Your brother sounds so strong. Hey. grieve on that quickly. You're not supposed to. Your brother sounds so strong. Hey! Let it be known that Tom's face

was deadpan the whole time. We're going to introduce a third rule. No pip. Alright then, you bring him up, but alright then, eh? That wasn't directed at Luke Conger, that was directed at her. That was in Infernal.

I like that Infernal could basically be exchanged with the word aside. That was an aside. So you are helping out the lady where with her troubles, yeah? Yes. Her husband was

very kind to me. He really helped me to get to where I am, and I'm trying to help her save him. And I'm not going to lie, I'm going to get paid a lot to do this. I also enjoy going on weird quests for esoteric objects. You know what they say about golden esoteric objects, eh? What do they say about golden esoteric objects? They are what drive you to do things. You said just now. objects, eh? What do they say about golden esoteric objects? They, uh,

what drive you to do things. You said just now. Sorry, did I say they? I meant you. He laughs at his own joke. Okay. I laugh, to be kind. Uh, Lady Ware, she has endeared herself to me. I, uh, I am very

sympathetic to her cause and anyone who might help her with her cause. And also just look, the soulmonger is bad for business. Because it's affecting all of them too, I imagine as well. Everyone dying. I don't want to go to

the soulmonger when I die. Enough. None of us do. Do you have a lead on this thing then? The only thing I know about the soulmonger is that it you're not fair do you have a lead on this thing then the only thing i know about the soulmonger is that it is in chult and that it exists but i have a a journal from a wizard it's uh tattered water damage and not very well detailed in that but it is from a wizard who traveled into Chult. It is the only information I have

from anywhere deep in the forest. I will give it to you. Please. Thank you. Greatly appreciate it. He snaps his fingers and someone else pulls a bell to summon the butler.

Oh, this is so opulent. I love it. It's like Richie Rich was richer. God, my dad wasn't even this rich. My dad was super rich. Not that he ever... Never mind. You shouldn't tell people that.

That is not a thing in polite society that you talk about. I just... Who the fuck raised you? I thought... I was just... He just... I just think it's really cool. Fucking marvelous.

Wakanga starts flipping through the wizard's journal with you. It's the most animated you've seen him, turning pages. No, no, no, no, no, no. Someone else holds the book. Someone else holds the book. Oh, yeah, yeah, no. Absolutely. Sorry.

Yeah, no, he is just turning the pages. Did I give you any other impression? Someone, no, no, no. So he's turning the pages, but someone else is holding his hand like at the wrist and it's limply just flicking through the book like this. So he barely has to exert himself. His hand is brought out. Someone licks his finger.

He turns the page. His hand is brought out. Someone licks the finger. He turns the page. Anyway, he goes through it with you showing the unnamed author of this book makes many mentions of a traveling companion a shield guardian named vaughn let me show you what a shield guardian is they're big constructs uh they're sick looking dudes fucking love shield guardians Where are you boy?

Come on Come to papa Come to me Come on Come on daddy needs a win Wow they're like transformers A little bit yeah But made of trees and knights

If transformers are made of trees and knights And bloodlust He gives you the journal And he shows you on the map that you were given by Lady Where, where it was found or where the book, where it was found. And he accurately, or what he thinks is pretty accurately, indicates where you can find Vaughn as well. Vaughn should have a control gem or control amulet, but they don't know where the amulet is.

If you can find Vaughn and the control amulet, you have a very powerful ally. Additionally, Oh, yeah. Or alternatively, if you get both of them and you feel like you're not interested for whatever reason, you bring them back to Mia, and for the shield guardian, I will give you all the magic scrolls you could ever want.

That's a good deal. They're both great deals. Scrolls or stone man. Stone man and then scrolls. Use the stone man, bring the stone man back, get scrolls. This is all in infernal. Yes, all in infernal. I know what you're talking about, eh?

Sorry, I was talking to one of my servants. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. I don't understand Inferno. I don't know what you're talking about. Wakunga marks on your map where Vaughn is. It's not too far from here. It's super close.

Well, relatively speaking, super close to where you are. And Wakunga says, you want to get a guide no matter how far in you go, huh? Do I know my way? Do I know how to get there? Having come from here? Parts of the map that have been revealed, those edges of Cho, that is pretty much all you know. You did grow up and live around here, especially as a child. But still, this area is, It's a tough nut to crack.

I'm going to crack it, though. Maybe a guide would be best for us. Yeah, I reckon you get the... Someone who knows the area, huh? Someone who can take you deep in. Like that would be... Ah, Jesus. People.

Yes, that would be the logical explanation that we would approach. Maybe someone with a strong sword armor. Because it's dangerous in the forest. There are undead everywhere. You are... You don't need to make a roll, Pop. You are very aware that the jungle is thick with the dead.

I need to make a roll. You don't need to make a roll. Oh, yeah. It's just common knowledge. The jungle is very thick with undead. Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's a constant problem for anyone who wants to go in there. I know.

Oh, yes, I'm sure you know. I say that in infernal. Excuse me, Mr. Prince fella. What's his name? Devlin. Devlin? Devlin. Devlin? Devlin. His name is Wakanga Otamu.

Excuse me, Wakanga, can you, before we decide that we're going to take a guide, can you give me a moment with my associate here to discuss the merits and things of who we should be selecting? Take all the time and the weather you need, huh? We have many discussion rooms. My assistant, my servant, will lead you to someone who can take you to one, huh? All right, good. That'd be very nice.

Thank you. One of the many butlers who were fanning Wakanga sets his fan down and leads you to someone else who can take you to a sitting room. Fuckin' hell, the opulenceence oh rooms just for having a talk are they comfy leather bound or cushioned chairs are not common in chult because that it traps heat and that's not what you want so wooden chairs are the go but of wooden chairs these are nicer ones maybe there's maybe the first room you're led to is kind of smaller a bit cozier and it has what do you call

there's like lovers chairs the chairs that are like the light lie down chairs that are side by side no another room please uh business business associates. All right, all right, all right. That wouldn't fit my tail anyway. It's fine. No, it has accommodations for a tail. There's a little hatch that opens. Oh, I love it here. You're taken to another room, which is slightly larger.

It's got a table. It looks like a conference room of sorts. It looks like a lot of meetings happen here where nothing is said. Good. That's the room I was looking for, Adam. Adam making an indictment of modern day business. I'm assuming the guy then fucks up and we're by ourselves? Yeah, you're left to your own devices.

Alright, horns. Let's run. Let's fuck off. No. Alright, horns. You've clearly got some things on your mind. Let's do this, okay? You get three yes or no only questions. The answers can only be yes or no. I will answer any of them truthfully, and then we move on,

and we never do this again. All right? Okay. Can they not be yes or no? No. No. Oh, no. Oh, no. How many questions did you say?

Three. Three. You're down to two. Surely you're not serious. Yes. You're down to one. Okay. Can you please promise that you will do whatever you can to help should your knowledge of this place come to assistance

without fear of anyone else knowing where you're from. It can just be an infernal. Do you promise to at least use your knowledge of this place to help us? I have to find my dad. This is the only way I can do it. Yes. Thank you. All right, can do it. Yes. Thank you. Alright, we're done. Okay.

I'm just getting comfy, it's fine. Oh, I did not sit down, by the way. I feel like I sat down and was like, patting a seat, and you were just like, okay. Okay, but no. We come back now. Alright. I also assume

we just, we, maybe on the way back, we're like, so someone strong who can kill zombies because that's what's in the jungle. What? I know the jungle is just littered with undead. The undead? Yes. Okay.

Okay, yes. Zombie killing then, for sure. Do we know about zombies? Are zombies a word in our world, or are we just... I feel like you've fought zombies before, but I'll give you a roll. Sure, whatever. I'll make things difficult. If you've fought them before, you didn't learn much.

You are aware of zombies, but everything you know about zombies cass your character knows about zombies and that's not helpful oh because for you cass i assume i assume you know of george romero zombies but you also know of the infected from 28 days later zombies so that's what t Tiffany knows about zombies. They can be fast or slow, right? Yeah. They can be fast or slow, and in 28 days, they infected all of Britain. Or was that the UK? I don't even fucking know. I've not seen that movie. I've seen 28 Weeks Later. For some reason, 28 Weeks Later, I have had hundreds of opportunities to see,

but I have never seen... The only reason I know that movie exists is because I heard an interview with the director. I have not seen any evidence that 28 Days Later exists. Just the sequel, 28 Weeks. Yeah, it's so weird. 28 months later, it was going to be the sequel to 28 Weeks, and they never made it, and I was upset, because I quite liked 28 Weeks Later. 28 Years Later was going to be really sequel to 28 weeks and they never made it and I was upset because I quite liked 28 weeks later. 28 years later was going to be really good. It's all robots.

Robot zombies. Robot zombies. They've got a special rust that has little nanobots in it. It swims up their cords into their brain chips. Eats them with salsa. That is like

I would buy that film. what's the next jumping off point after years is it decades or centuries would you say decades decades decades feels wrong to me though because it's always one for the previous i guess a week isn't no yeah but like because a decade is actually already a bunch so century So it would be 28 weeks later. No, no, guys. They go to space and it's 28 light years later. Oh. But if it was 28 decades later, then you can't...

Then it would be 20... Okay. Would it be 2,800 or 280 years? I don't know. Have either of you ever heard of the Star Wars Extended Universe? Oh, my God, Cass. Have you considered a career in comedy? Have either of you ever heard of Death Troopers, the Star Wars zombie thing?

No. So there's Star Wars in the Extended Canon. There's Star Wars zombies. It's a book called Death Troopers. I always remember it because I listened. For some reason, there was an audio book and it really spooked me because the soundscape was amazing for that book.

That's cool as. There's zombie stormtroopers? Yes. Well, kind of. So the Empire is experimenting with like a virus and then it gets loose. I forgot that Chewie and Han Solo are in that book. Oh my God. god look soundscape terrifying

references cheesy so pretty pretty standard star wars yeah references cheesy references references are some blue vein shit just saying that's nice though blue vein or the anyway are we playing a game? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So we've come back and decided we need to pick someone who can fight monsters. Fight the undead. Yeah. That I don't really know about, but... Do I?

I would... Yeah? What? I know about them. Yeah, you probably do. Know about what? The undead zombies. We've spoken about so much.

You also only know hearsay and rumors. You've never actually fought the undead because you've never been that far into the jungle. I'm a fucking Tomb Raider and I've never fucking fought a zombie or what. You can fight entirely. Dungeons are ecologies. There's so much going on there. You can never fight a zombie and be a level 20 adventurer. It's crazy.

But anyway, you have only really ever heard rumors and poor ones at that. Tales. Maybe you do actually know a lot of really solid things, facts about zombies. But the problem is, those facts are obscured by a lot of just hearsay and rumor. Fair. Unfortunately, you both rolled very poorly. Okay. Thanks, Adam.

So we go back to Wakunga, not Devlin. Where the fuck did I pull Devlin from? I don't know. Devlin Diablo is a character a friend of mine played in a personal game, and I don't know how you would know that, so never mind. I was thinking of Duke Devlin from Yu-Gi-Oh. Duke Devlin. Is he the America guy?

No, that's... Oh, maybe it is. I thought Duke... No, Duke Devlin is the guy. Where's the that's um Or maybe it is I thought Duke No Duke Devlin is the guy Wears a bandana Sunglasses Nah nah nah He's someone else

Duke Devlin I'm pretty sure Is the guy who invents Like the version of Yu-Gi-Oh That's with dice Oh yeah yeah yeah The dice monsters Yeah yeah yeah Dice monsters

He's basically Rip off Joe Of the Yu-Gi-Oh universe It's very funny Ah Um yeah So we would like someone good Wakanda We've We've had a A debrief On various matters It's very funny. Ah. Yeah, so we would like someone good.

Wakanga, we've had a debrief on various matters. We would love a guide, particularly one skilled in combat. Not to say that I'm not skilled in combat. I fucking am. But, you know. Guides can be found all around Port Nayanzaru, Wakanga says. A good place to check for guides is under the auspices of Jobal, who takes a princely cut of earnings and findings for these people. He's talking about factions, you know this, factions within the city. The Zhentarim also have a black market network in the city that provides guides.

also have a black market network in the city that provides guides. Jobar is aware that this network exists and makes it abundantly clear that guides who fail to register with him will be beaten, blinded, or beheaded. So if you wish to find a guide who's not afraid to die, I would find someone who is not working with Jobar. All right, then. That sounds like a solid plan. We want someone who doesn't want to die. Well, right, then. That sounds like a solid plan. We want someone who doesn't want to die.

Well, no, wait. Someone who's prepared to die. Otherwise... Break one of my two rules. If you're looking for someone who is not breaking the rules, guides working for Jobar leave their contact information on message boards outside taverns and inns. I'm going to assume that hiring a guide through a rich contact man is going to cost us a lot of coin.

Well, he will take a cut. But if we were to hire a black market man, he didn't do anything for money, could be a bit less. The standard fare is five gold a day, and they will typically ask for a month up front. I need to check how much gold I've got. Not enough. Do you know what we could do? Standard fare is five gold a day, and they will typically ask for a month up front. I need to check how much gold I've got. Not enough. Do you know what we could do? Kidnap?

Ah, that is not what I thought your head was going. Cass, Cass, Cass, you call it Shanghai-ing when you don't want to get arrested. Keep it on the down low. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I mean, that is an option, and I'm frankly surprised that it is an option that you came up with. I think I... I just thought it was something you might say. Continue.

Okay. We could ask Lady Ware for expenses. That's true. Perhaps we should. She is paying for this whole fucking gig. Well, if we ask her, she can help us. I mean, I'm sure she'll understand that it is necessary, and if we go for black market, we shouldn't have to pay them much,

or at least they won't get a cut from it. And it's someone who isn't afraid to die, which, frankly, I would prefer someone who didn't want to die, but they don't live in fear, I guess, guess and that's a good i don't really want to give my fucking money to some rich old fucker not that rich we're not using our infernal accent adam i'm gonna switch to my infernal accent so we could have a private infernal conversation. Would you like a... I don't. No, I would

not like. Hey, I'm talking infernal over here. Yeah, what do you think's going to work? I reckon we go for one of these shady characters rather than, you know, paying lots of money to rich assholes. I don't want to pay top dollar. Nah, me neither. I'm afraid this is not

infernal. This is actually wise guy that you are speaking. No, no, it's infernal. I said I'm speaking infernal. It's how everyone will know. Your chest just tightens. Your left arm goes numb. Are you going to kill me if I keep doing this, Adam? Are you just going to give me a heart attack?

No one's sure. Please continue. Yeah, so we're going to... I don't think that's too bad of an idea. Yeah, good idea. Let's ask old lady. Keep it in your smell toast. Boy, that smells delicious.

Yeah, my arms are all tingly now, huh? This place is magic. Oh, crazy. Let's talk to the old guy. No more infernal. Conversation's done. Ah, good point.

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the early 2000s so if you like the sound of that or if you want to know why my dad keeps calling them total hacks then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for thumb cramps. All right. We made our decision. Thank you very much for your assistance so far, Mr. Wakanga. Wakanga Tamaro. Tamaru, sorry. Oh, Tamu, sorry.

Sometimes I forget my own name. If you're Wakanga Tamaro, what will you be today? He slowly shakes his head at you, Tiffany. Like, he doesn't get it, which is very funny, because you can see what's happening. I just start nodding. Like, he's laughing, like, shaking his head. I'm like, ah, nodding, like, oh.

We just all laugh for about ten minutes, nodding and shaking our heads. And then we go talk to Lady Ware to get some cash. It's actually quite late. Lady Ware has retired to the bedroom. I guess we have a sleep. You could ask tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah, we could ask tomorrow.

It wouldn't hurt to... Because it's nighttime, but it's not late. You guys could wander around the city if you wanted to. time but it's not late you guys could wander around the city if you wanted to and it wouldn't it wouldn't hurt to go check at one of the taverns just to see um just to see what price or just to see who's available maybe first maybe you might you feel like you might fare better asking lady ware for a significant cash payment if you have an idea already of who you want to hire not fair that's that's good logic who knows you might even be able to barter them down if you have an idea already of who you want to hire. Now, fair. That's good logic.

Who knows? You might even be able to barter them down. Hey, all right. Let's do that. Let's be charming. Oh, my goodness. It's so nice to be someone where I'm not feared. I'm just looking.

Oh, well, I'm not charming, but I am intimidating. Hey, same thing, basically. Let's have a look. Where's charisma? I might be scarier as well. Okay. You are threatening with that, that very scary voice.

Oh, I just, I'm just trying to minimize myself. You know, I've got two horns and tails, you know, there's a lot of spiky things coming out of me that don't come out of the people I want to be friends with. Not my friends,

but the people I want to be. Oh man. I know, be... Oh, man. I know, right? It's rough. It's a fucking rough one. Oh, it's really rough. And I have specifically built an arsehole. We have constructed the perfect arsehole. Hey, look, say...

Oh, wait, you're not talking about... Yeah, all right, cool. All right, well, I guess we're going to go to a tavern and see if we can recruit some black marketing people. So you were told about two different taverns on the way here. The Thundering Lizard, which was described as kind of like a lower market, raucous time sort of place.

We're fucking going there. And Kea's House of Rep repose which is a nicer venue it sounds a bit too schmick for us thundering lizard thundering lizard all right we go the thundering lizard thundering lizard don't fucking mock me i'm so sorry i thought i thought it's like teasing between friends that's fine yeah we're not the thundering lizard has out the front of it a sign, or sorry, a post where a sign would hang, and crawling all around that post... Hang on, let me find the creature.

Are you about to tell me that their sign is fucking lizards? Look. Yeah. Okay. He's cute. He's a cute little rockabye baby. That's adorable. It's all blue. He's a cute little rockabye baby. That's adorable. It's all blue.

It's like a little blue. It's almost like a thorny devil, but blue. It's got ears. And glowy. It is called a shock lizard, though, which is dumb. Shocker lizard, yeah. Oh, we name animals dumb things in real life. That lizard is a shocker.

It's a shocker of a lizard. Have you seen all those, like, the hummingbird moth? It's a moth that looks like a hummingbird. Hammerhead shark. It's a shark that has a lizard. Have you seen all those, like, there's, like, the hummingbird moth? It's a moth that looks like a hummingbird. Hammerhead shark. It's a shark that has a hammer for a head. Nah, false. That's a great fucking name. Oh, my.

I was on your side, Tom. All sharks have good names. All sharks have good names. Gummy shark, good name. Goblin shark, good name. Oh, because it's always goblin. Cookie cutter shark, good name. Goblin shark. Good name. Because it's always goblin. Cookie cutter shark. Good name.

Really? Yep. Because it has teeth like a cookie cutter. Mega mouth shark. Has a big mouth. Whale shark. Shark like whale. Has a mouth like a whale.

Like its mouth is just a big whale. Anyway. So the sign has shocker lizards on it, Adam. After all that, those lizards are just crawling around on the sign. Little lizards, blue, electric blue boys with a static charge running all along them. Just crawling around on that sign. They're cute. Or on the pole for the sign, sorry. They're cute. Or on the pole for the sign, sorry.

They're fine. Do they occasionally spell the word thundering lizard, but because they're lizards and can't spell, their words are all fucked up? No, you... They're just there for decoration. They don't look... It looks like someone has enticed them there somehow. Cool, cool. Cool.

I think this is within our budget. I think this is very much within our budget at the front sure enough there's a big old message board where prospective people looking for work or offering work have posted notices you can start sifting through it if you want can we see any that have cool sounding names i'm sorry that's so rude all of your names are cool sounding adam i i'm not making the name so it doesn't matter what i say or do you're not making the who's making the name it's a prehistoric i'm sorry to ruin the magic for you cash but it's a pre-made adventure someone else has done it long ago many moons moons ago. That could be months.

It could. It could. It's a sad moment when someone finds out their dungeon dad isn't the center of the universe. And I do consider myself your dungeon dad isn't the center of the universe and I do consider myself your dungeon dad instead we're getting information from our step dungeon dad that we've never met weekend dungeon dad regular dungeon dad's like hey kids

I've helped set up a blanket fort let's make our own adventures and tell our own stories. And it's all wonderful. Weekend Dungeon Dad comes along with, like, tickets to Movie World, where the day's already planned, but it's flashy. All right. I'm going to chuck names at you, and you tell me if they're funny names,

and then they'll be on the board. Sorry, funny or good? Either. Whatever you were looking for before. I'm going to come up with good nicknames for them. Let's go. Azaka Stormfang. What's that? Azaka Stormfang? Either. Whatever you were looking for before. I'm going to come up with good nicknames for them. Let's go. Azaka Stormfang. What was that?

Azaka Stormfang? Yep. Yep. Azaka. There's a notice then on the for Azaka Stormfang there's a notice

on the board. Eku. That's his full name. How do you spell it? E-K-U. That's it. That's the whole name. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

They also have a notice up. Faorul and Gondolo. Where's that? Two people. That's it. That's the whole name. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. They also have a notice up. Farool and Gondolo. Was that two people? That's two people. Gondolo. Middle name and. Gondolo is a good name. Yeah.

Oh, that sounds pricey though. Two people. You know what? You know, if they're advertising themselves as a duo. Two for one. Oh, perhaps we can barter them down. Yeah, bang. Hugh Hackenstone?

Yes. Sounds like a porn star. Musharib? Is that the full name? Is that the whole name? Musharib, yeah. Musharib or Musharib? Musharib.

As in Musharib. Like, get a rib and mush it. The word mush. Yeah. The word mush. Yeah. The word a. Yeah. The word rib. That sounds like someone we're after.

That sounds like someone we can have on our team. And we just... Do we love everyone? No, no. Go through the motions. Hualasha and Koopalooie. Oh, is that another duo? Yep.

Koopalooie's great. Koopalooie. Can we get Koopalooie and go for it? I am looking at Koopalooie right now. Koopalooie is great. am looking at koopa louie right now koopa louie is great okay yep yeah all right that one yeah we're just they're like okay we need to be we need to be oh my god koopa louie is oh my god koopa louie a total koopa louie uh well you'll have to find out is koopa louie oogie boogie yes Yes. He's Abe from Abe's Odyssey. River Mist and Flask of Wine.

Oh, those are tabaxi. Yes. How do you know? Tabaxi's take their names from just stuff. Is it a tabaxi? It's a tabaxi. There are tabaxi names, yeah. I mean, I don't mind going on an adventure with you.

I'm assuming we're adding that. I like that this is like, just tell me the names you guys like And you guys every single one You both There's a couple that I've gone cold on Like Stormfang he can fuck off These two might be a bit boring comparatively Salida We've already got one name in there

We've got two one names in there And Shago That's another one name We've got two one names in there. Yeah. And Shago. That's another one name. Yeah. We've got two one names. Okay. Okay. All right. We read them, yeah? Yeah, you can read

them out if you want. Tell you what, you don't get the picture with the name. The picture is just for you to help you out or whatever, but you do get that little message. So, cool, cool, cool. You can describe the person if you want, but you guys don't know what they look like yet. Before you read, River Mist and Flask of Wine have ticked two boxes. So there's two of them.

They have a great name. They also will only do it for four gold pieces a day and no payment up front because they hate Jabal. That sounds perfect for us. They'll also waive the fee entirely if they get equal shares of treasure. If we kill them, there's no shares of treasure for them. I really don't think we should kill them, but the treasure is my dad. Well, that's the ultimate treasure for you.

Yeah, I guess. It's a bridge we can climb when we get to it. Are you going to keep that in mind when I start doling out magical items? you're going to be like oh no no no I don't want that wand of smiles because my father is what I ultimately want don't get into it

can you please give us a wand of smiles and can I have it? just so I have the power to give smiles and just refuse to wand of smiles is a future fun fact about the wand of smiles. So every day it refills its magical energy, but any time you empty its magical energy

in a day, it has a chance to become a wand of frowns instead. I'll deliberately empty the magic in the first hour of every day so I can just give out four ounce. It has a chance. Well, okay. So I think so far the Tabaxi are winning.

Small upfront cost. They just want some of what we're getting. You could maybe hire a couple of people if you thought you could get the money. Tabaxi are a couple of people. Well, no, it was in like three or four. I know, but that's cheaper. We need to find a treasure of people. Well, no, it was in like three or four. I know, but that's cheaper. We need to find a treasure for them. You've taken all of these little flyers.

You're sitting in the tavern. Someone's playing a piano while a bar fight happens. A low-key bar fight. Like, just a couple tables. If it was a good bar fight, I'd be in it. Yes! Because literally one of my secret powers is,

you might think I'm a scholar, but I love a good brawl. These fists were made for punching. Okay, so I'm having a look. We've got Ekku. She seems lovely. No. Say aloud what you're reading. No, no, that's all I needed to hear.

Well, that's what I'm thinking. Well, Ekku appeals to those who find fulfillment in doing actual good in the world. She pays off merchant prince Jabal and the rest goes to charity. So she takes the money, gives it to charity, and so gives some to the old geezer and gives some to charity. Well, essentially she's just trying to rid the jungle of evil and help people. So she's five gold pieces a day, 30-day payment up front. No.

No. She's expensive and painfully nice. It seems a bit too nice, right? I don't trust anyone that is nice. You are also a bit too nice for my liking. Oh, no. I'm just trying to make up for the evil that I am. Here is what I perceive as a character flaw of yours.

No. So, just humor me for a minute. If you think you're not too nice, I want you to go over there to that. I point out the most pathetic looking person in the bar. How's the lows? Lows. looking person in the bar. Highs or lows?

Lows. Most pathetic looking person in a bar is one of the people who just came away from that bar fight, a big, gruff-looking, full-blooded orc who's leaning against the bar and the bar is slumping a little under his weight. What do you want me to do to him? Go pour his drink out. That's mean.

I'll rest my case. Well, I think I found some- So you'll fucking die. I found someone else who I think we can knock off our list. Storm Fang, five gold coins a day, 30 days up front. She'll only waive the fee if we

go help her get some mask or something. That sounds like a lot of time. We don't really have time. Souls are being mongered. Right? Souls are being mongered. Souls are being stolen. Actually, stolen would be the verb.

I've got this old bloke, Meshurib. He's a dwarf. He knows the jungle. Bonus. Five gold pieces a day. Doesn't mention anything about an upfront payment. However, he wants us to help him on a quest to reclaim Harkam. I can't do dwarf shit. No.

It's an ancestral forge. There's fire newts. If you love dwarf and kind, I don't. Hang on. If you love Dwarven Kind, I don't. Hang on. Let me actually check that. I think I've – no, I don't, actually. I really fucking don't. It's built into my character.

I hate dwarves. Well, let's not pick them out. Now, these next two could also tick boxes, and if possible, we may be able to get four helpers for this quest. Ah, yes. I'm looking at Adam. Would that be a worthwhile endeavor? That's a big party, but sure.

Is it a good party? I don't know who you're picking yet. Right, so Kawasha, druid, wants to rid his own land of undead. What are we about to go and encounter a lot of? I think undead's probably a really good start. Oh, the only downside is, though, that his fucking companion is a fucking talking plant. He's a veg pygmy,

which I imagine is basically a tomato that talks back to you. Well, he's surely not charging more for that. We can guide you. Basically, they're saying they're great guides because one of them's a fucking tree. Fees five gold pieces a day, but that amount is negotiable if we're willing to help them destroy any undead we might encounter.

Well, we certainly are that. We can knock down that fee if we kill the undead. So, so far, I think Tree Boy and his best mate and the two cats are looking like good options. What else have you got? Well, I'm looking over this Farool and Gondola, which are five gold pieces a day with a 30 out front, but you do get both of them. But if we're having a large party, I'd rather get people who don't want an upfront payment because they're just going to get weird about it. And we have to hide the fact that we've got Hugh Hackenstone, who he was. What race is Hugh Hackenstone?

Sorry, just going back to that Vegepigmy. Yep. Its name, you know, translates from a Chaltean word meaning walking weed. Just thought you'd want to know. I fucking dare do. Walking weed. Sorry. Sorry, which one are you looking at?

Hugh Hackenstone. Oh, you wouldn't like him. Dwarf. Yes. Yeah. For a ruling in Dolo, it's two for one. It really is two for one. For Ula Gondolo, it's two for one.

It really is two for one. They said that when they're done leading us to all the ancient sites and sacred places that they know of, we'll be swimming in golden magic. I just, that's not what we're after. How much? Five gold for 30 up front. What race are they? It's pretty much the standard fare. So these guys don't have the 30 up front.

I think that's the best bet Because we can just get it done In less than 30 days So it comes down to I think I underestimated You don't know where you're going Tiffany Each one of those little hexes

I forget, I think it's 100 miles Oh Okay, so it might take like 29 days It doesn't fucking matter. Each one of those little hexes, I forget, I think is 100 miles. Oh. Okay, so it might take, like... 29 days. Yeah. It might take you 30 days to get there when you figure out what you're doing. Well, these... Okay.

I forget how big are those squares. Is there anything about them actually knowing their way? Well, those guys... Sorry, 10 miles. Each hex is 10 miles. Knowing their way. Well, those guys. Sorry, 10 miles.

Each hex is 10 miles. The druid and the walking weed. That is literally what that translates to, by the way, in the native tongue. He's a walking weed. Well, surely that's a help, right? Well, they know the forest and they like killing undead and they're only going to charge us five or waive the fee or negotiate the fee if we kill all the dead things. Our two cat friends don't like Jabal, won't do a 30-day upfront thing. We'll only charge four gold pieces, but they'll waive it entirely if we split the treasure with them.

We just need to find a treasure that we're going for because – We should find any fucking treasure and just give them that. I'm not giving them the big stone boy or the amulet oh well that's not really treasure is it well an amulet is technically treasure um the river mist and flask of wine ones actually some of them would reference the fact that you can't meet them at port nyanzaru especially people who aren't working, who are shirking the local laws regarding guides. So, River Mist and Flask of Wine have mentioned there that you will need to meet them somewhere. It'll be along the coast, so you'll be able to get there very easily, but you won't be

able to find them in the city itself. Okay. Well, perhaps we should go talk to them, because if we can tell them that we're after the... Not a golem. Soulmonger? No, no. Vaughn. Big stone boy.

We're after a big stone boy in an amulet, but literally any other treasures that we uncover can be theirs. We don't have to split them with it. They can just have them. I see you're hesitating. I don't mind. I say very, very unconvincingly. Look, I'm not going to lie.

I like treasure. Alternatively, though, you could send a, like, for them, you could send a, sorry, just to give you guys as many options. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could send a message to them and then just wait in Port Nyanzaru for them to get back to you. Okay. Well, how about we send them a message to Tabaxi saying that...

Catboys. Catboys. Or girls. I think Zamit likes to call them cat dickheads, actually. One is a guy, one is a girl. Let's send them a message saying that we are after two items that we need for our journey. If they can help us get those and we can keep them, any other treasures we encounter along the way will be theirs.

How good are these guys at fighting undead? We should include that in the message, that we will be fighting undead along the way. Because these guys, experts in undead, catboys and girl. Catboys, one of them who is a girl. Cat dickheads. It's a is a girl. Cat dickheads. It's a gender neutral term. Cat dickheads.

Yeah, you know what? Pop would call them cat dickheads too. All right. Well, why don't we, Tree Boy and Little Veggie Patch, the Cabbage Patch Kids. Do I, are they important inanzaru as well?

Because it sounds like they're willing to waive. They're not. Who's this, sorry? They're Kawasha and Cooper Louie. Yeah, they're going to let us. Are they also not in Port Nanzaru? Kwala Shah and Cooper Louie are both in Port Nanzaru, so you'll be able to hire them pretty much immediately.

So these guys, four gold pieces a day. Yes. Nothing up front. These guys, five gold pieces a day, but we'll renegotiate if we kill all the undead, which, you know, we're going to have to do anyway. Yeah, definitely. We just pay them both four gold pieces a day. That sounds good.

We might be able to, with the cat dick heads as it were, well, we could even, I suppose we're not really looking for treasure. Because we do have the opportunity to just pay them less and say they can keep anything I find. Because they said they'll waive the fee entirely if they can get equal shares. But what if we just offer them everything? Tiffany, to offer them everything that you guys find

will probably not be a great idea. because you know adventuring is a very lucrative business you don't you're maybe you are not here to make money obviously you're here to get your father back but you're not here to make money to give up all of the findings that you make along the way is actually doing yourself a disservice because you could potentially make a lot of money that will help you in your goal down the line. You don't necessarily need to be greedy about it. Yeah, give them half of everything. Give them three quarters, whatever.

But you probably want to keep a percentage. Okay, well, I think... I say what Adam says to you. Perhaps it would just be easier to just offer them both four gold pieces a day and see where we go. If we come across treasure, that way we're not obliged to give it over to them. If we come across anything we can split the deal with, we can then get the gold off them.

If we don't want the treasure, we can give it to them and they will, god, they'll be so happy. They'll love us. So it's eight gold pieces a day. That is a lot. Ladyware's rich. She's paying me. Which I need to That is a lot. Lady wears rich. She's paying me. Which I need to talk to her about.

But anyway. Well, what about we try and negotiate down to six gold pieces a day? We make sure we kill all the gun dead and we make sure we give the cat something. That's three each. All right. I reckon we could do that. We put our budget together. Yep.

We're going to D&D. We build a budget. Yay! Yay. We've got to make sure that all this looting is lucrative. Will our heroes' careful budgeting pay off? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Chomped. Thanks for listening.

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