D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #20 Confrontation

Episode Date: November 30, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio. Beholder? I hardly know her. Hey, handsomes. Do you sometimes wish Jackson could DM for Adam and Cass? Well, do I have news for you. Following in the footsteps of mine and Douche's journey in Dinosaur Park, we're releasing Dinosaur Park 2, Dinosaur Land, to all Sands Pants Plus members January 1st, 2020. All you have to do is sign up to SandsPantsPlus members January 1st, 2020. All you have to do is sign up to SansPantsPlus.com at any level from now until January 31st, and you'll get access to the

complete playthrough, New Year's Morn. Get in quick, because come February, it'll be only available to SansPantsKings. So just head to SansPantsPlus.com today and sign up so you can enter the new year listening to the terrible atrocities that Adam and Cash unleash onto an unsuspecting dinosaur land. Welcome to season one episode 20 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chult. Hey, hey, no secret, this is what's happened before this episode. Somewhere deep in the jungles of Chult, a statue that has lain dormant for

maybe centuries, certainly at the very least decades, stands upright once more. Pop? Horns? I would like to tell you something. No interrupting? I don't like... Fine. We have... I don't like... Fine.

We have... I've just spoken to Quasha. We could go to Camp Vengeance in about three days if you don't get waylaid by anything and they might have an opportunity to heal you, but you could heal yourself in about a week. So, on that third day in the morning, you see two figures emerging atop the hill to the south

out of the tree line. As they get a bit closer, you identify them as Flask of Wine and Dragon Bait. Stepping out of the wilderness is a creature that looks half man, half tiger. It's not a tabaxi, whatever it is. It's too big. It's still medium-sized, still man--sized but like basketball or height bodybuilder build you're giving hank lots of pats and a bit of honey and then hank starts whinnying hank looks a little panicked and then a moment after hank senses it you sense it

And then a moment after Hank senses it, you sense it. And a bit after Tiffany senses it, the rest of the camp senses it. A tree explodes into splinters and Vaughn is standing before you. Searching the jungle, you keep your eyes open for artists. As you're trudging through, you can, well, actually, no, you'd see this first. It's an incredible and shocking thing. There is like a bubble, a massive bubble where the jungle, the hot, sticky jungle stops suddenly and it becomes winter there's a bubble that is just winter as the rain comes down and it hits the area of the you can see it very well because as it comes down it hits the bubble and the rain turns to snow immediately there's a soft layer of snow all over the ground here completely undisturbed you see several dead corpses around in the area with shards of ice jutting out of them

we might want to avoid that one no we go in it what rings do? Well, it looks like a... Well, look, in terms of how many dead bodies I see, all of them are in the ring. Are they all in the ring? Yeah. Dragon bait. Did he ever do this when you were around, mate, like bubbles of ice in winter?

Dragon bait nods. Is it dangerous to enter? Dragon bait shakes his shakes his head right we go in a bubble okay the temperature drops immediately it's negative 30 fahrenheit here jesus i can't do math but i suspect that is cold. As in, she's cold as ice. I don't know the next line. I don't know. Fahrenheit works differently. Celsius zero is freezing point. It's negative 30 Fahrenheit is negative 34 Celsius.

Why does it balance out like that? That's so fucking weird. I think there is, if you get to, there's like a point where they're like exactly the same. I think it is 30 something, negative 30 something, where they're, like, exactly the same. I think it is 30-something, negative 30-something, and they're both the exact same. Well, so where they're like, oh, it's 90 when it's 30? Yeah. I was like, that's fucking stupid.

Is 90 good? I think, yeah, because there's a song where it was like, it's 100 degrees and that's hot. Yeah. It's not that hot. Like, it's pretty hot, but it's not, like, hot, hot. Like feeling hot, hot, hot? Probably.

Olay, olay, olay, olay. Olay. Love the skin you're in. But in Elf, he wants the temperature of his limo to be 72, which I think is, like... Nice? I think it's in the 20s, but it's really precise. And the freezing point and boiling point aren't 0 and 100, respectively.

They're not set around those. Fahrenheit is dumb as shit. You can't spend a lot of time here in the bubble because it's so cold you would die of frostbite and other maladies incurred through such extreme temperatures. But from your cursory searching, it looks like Ardis encountered some problems with the local wildlife and used his ring of winter to fend them off.

Ardis? If Ardis is here, he's long gone. We're heading in the right direction, though. Yeah. You're quite near the right direction, though. Yeah. You're quite near the Shrine of Ubtal right now. I've got to touch it again. I've got a shield guardian this time. Well, you can go find it if you want.

Kill that troll. It's the indistinct figure with a spear raised high. We walked towards it because that was where we fought the troll. Yeah? Yeah. Who was with you when this happened? Flask of Wine, who was here last time says perhaps if we were to set it off it might alert artists if he's in the area it's not a bad idea flask but wouldn't he just run away because of the nearly dying last time uh potentially yes yes. But I can think of no louder way to yell.

That's true. Vaughn can't talk. Okay, Vaughn? No, I can't control Vaughn. Can you just tell Vaughn to be ready? He's always ready. That's the good thing about Vaughn. Perfect friend.

Doesn't talk. Always ready. I pretend like that didn't hurt. Do you know what? Wasn't even directed at you in a mean way. Oh, I know. Cass knows. Tiffany never assumes anyone's thinking about her,

but she knows when she's inadequate. That is so sad kwasha says if uh we end up summoning the troll again do you do you know how we fight a troll uh not with these i show my axe and my axe my hammer and my sickle i did fuck all last time it's it seemed to be only magic that really did anything. Trolls are powerfully protected. Not powerfully protected, but trolls are resistant to damage from non-magical attacks. So you are still hurting it, just not as much as you might hope. Right.

Do you know how to defeat a troll clusher? Yes. The only way to kill them permanently is to hit them with fire or acid. Anything else and they'll just keep coming back. They're like a plant. You can think of a troll as less of a creature and more of a I don't know, just the local

what is it? Flora? Is flora plants? Yep. Fauna. Oh, flora is plants. You can think of a troll as local flora. Do we have to damage it significantly before we splash it with acid, or will acid just take it down no matter what? Well, fire and acid are just good ways of fighting it. I would recommend hitting it with as much fire and acid as we had.

Well, you're in luck. I have a jug that I can fill with acid at will. It gives me a grand total of, oh, God, eight ounces. I get a fucking quart of oil and eight ounces of acid. It's better than no acid, though, I suppose. Can you dip weapons in acid? No, unless you want to destroy them. I can

Quasha says I can make fire magically and I can do it as much as I want. If we punch you, you can make fire. Hellish rebuke. Yes. Not a perfect way of doing it, but could work yes well if he gets me i'll get him back oh i could punch you and you could just do it no just like uh green flame blade also

deals fire damage well i think there's a much nicer way to do that, and I can do that without getting hurt and permanently, forever. If we keep hitting it with fire and acid, we can slow down its regeneration as well. And then we get old mate over here to punch the living shit out of it. Ain't that right, Vaughn? Vaughn does not respond. It's verbal commands, isn't it? Vaughn stares forward.

Sorry? It's thought commands or verbal commands? Verbal commands, yes. Damn it. Now, fuck it. Give a Terminator thumbs up, Vaughn. Vaughn gives a thumbs up. Yes, my boy.

All right. Let's go to this shrine and look for artists slash touch the shrine again. All right. I nearly fucking died. I don't know why we're doing this. Do it. Tiffany, looking at the statue now, you can see a magic symbol scribed upon it. That's probably what set off the explosion last time.

I didn't see this before. I think that's what we have to touch. Can you make Vaughn touch it? Vaughn, touch the symbol. Vaughn leans forward and touches the symbol. As he does so, he

breaks the statue by pressing too hard. I almost thought to myself, am I going to have to tell him to do this gently? Yeah, I am. Oh, Vaughn. All right. Pop, max damage. Tiffany, half damage.

Vaughn, half damage. Wait, he takes half my damage too. Yes. All right. Hang on. Wait, I got to slow down now. Oh, no. Fuck, where right. Hang on. Wait. I've got to slow down now. Oh, no.

Fuck. Why don't we destroy the shield guardian by poking a statue? Oh, jeez. If we hadn't have touched that symbol, would we just have got the magical blessing from the statue? No. That's what it always does. What a shitfucker. Who builds this fucking statue?

I'm going to write a thesis about it. What the shitfucker? Tom Reed's analysis of who built this fucking statue i'm gonna write a thesis about it what the shit fucker tom reed's analysis of who built this fucking statue what the shit fucker tiffany you take 15 points of damage 15 okay that's half i glanced you take half which is 15 15. Vaughn will take 30 points of damage. Half from you. And half from him. And half, yeah, because he made his saving throw.

Jesus. Is this what hit us last time? Yeah, you got buffeted by this last time. But it didn't hurt us last time. It did hurt you last time. That's why we were so weak to the troll. Flask of Wine takes 31 points of damage Quasha takes 31 points Koopa Louie takes 15

Yeah, because he's fucking tough Oh, and Dragon Bait Dragon Bait will take 31 as well Is Hank fine? Don't kill the fucking horse, Adam No, really? Gotta look up a horse's hit points Don't kill the fucking horse Adam No really Gotta look up a horse's hit points Oh my god

This is on you guys It's gonna be deeply traumatic This is on Quasha who is Adam Oh no Hank Oh, no. To be fair, though, I didn't have... Ooh. Hank, so as the explosion ripples outwards in all directions, Hank, you can see in slow motion, Hank's flesh, like, rippling.

You know, like that... Yeah. When you see an explosion in slow motion on human flesh, Hank's flesh slowly ripples all around his belly. As first his layer of skin is removed, then muscle, then sinew and other fleshes beneath it. What? Half of Hank's body is completely sandpapered away by the force of the blast. He's still alive though. Hank hits the ground, dead.

Hank! Real Hank wouldn't go down my sack of shit fucking horse. The what? The real Hank. Shut up! Oh my god! The real Hankank fuck you i hope this summons the troll it does it might not have yeah 75 chance so 25 chance that just didn't come is that a skill or attack

no it's just a regular roll i'd a roll, sorry. It's a percentile chance. You can spend a card for me to not have to re-roll this. Yeah, fuck it. Spend a good boy card? Yeah, spend this one. There's no response. The troll's not here. Did it do anything else to the statue, or did it just hurt us all? It's destroyed completely because of Vaughn and it hurt you, yes.

Fuck. How are you, horns? I point to half of Hank. Don't worry, it's not the real Hank. What? Kill wounds. Three trees are knocked aside and the giant troll is standing. Just kidding.

I can gotcha. Still coming. You're a fuck, Adam. I'm a mean man. I get my alchemy jug ready to go. We're going to initiative. Oh, fuck. that was great. I hate you so much.

So, Pop, you are by default going with Vaughn. Tiffany, which NPC would you like to go with? I think we know. If it is dead now. Hang on. Oh, very funny's dead now. Hang on. Oh, very funny.

Get a good boy, Pa. Thank you. I'm going to go with Koopa Louie. Koopa Louie? Oh, no, I'm going to want to protect him. Even though he gives so much for us. No, I'm going to go ham. Oh, I watched a drag... Who are you going with?

Koopa Louie. Koopaului? Alright, cool. I heard someone refer to it as going ham and cheese recently. Love that. Going ham and cheese. I'm gonna go ham and cheese with Kukului. Flask of wine fires two arrows

at the troll. One strikes, one misses. Uh, he deals maximum damage. Which isn't at the troll. One strikes, one misses. He deals maximum damage. Which isn't a lot, unfortunately. Hey, Cass. Yes? Do you have the fire attack?

You do fire damage? When you use it, you should use this. Ooh, that's good. I'll do that. Pop and Vaughn. So, Vaughn, let me just find. All right, so cool. Here are his abilities. He hits people with his fists.

He gets two fist attacks. If he's within five feet of you, he can do that shield thing where he can give you two AC. If he's within five feet of you. If he's within five feet of you. If he's within 60 feet of you, you share damage, or he takes half your damage. Other than that, he doesn't really have a lot. He's just big and strong, and he regenerates hit points. Fuck yes.

I love this so much. Oh, my God. He's my Venom. I'm Eddie Brock. Yeah. What? Does that mean you get to Pash? Yep.

Pash Vaughn. That's my turn. He'll get inside the love of your life and explode her because he's so big. What are you doing, Sy? So I'd like Vaughn to attack, but I'm getting my acid alchemy jug ready. Alright, so Vaughn

sprints towards the troll. He socks the troll in the chest, then punches it along its three heads. Fuck yes, Vaughn. That's my boy. I forgot the troll had three heads. And all those hideous mouths and multiple penises. Why?

Vaughn, rip off its genitals. The troll slowly heals damage that it's taken and then it's the troll's turn. It unleashes upon Vaughn. Please don't destroy it. That's right, it makes five attacks. Oh, that's right,

I copped all five. Nearly dying is wild. Why the fuck are we back here? I'm just going to put it out there. There is a huge part of pop that is going through some serious PTSD right now. Oh, my gosh. Just flashing back to nearly dying, both here and when he lost his eye that time. Secrets you will never learn.

Secrets I wish I could know. Let me in, I beg you, Pop. We could be a great duo. No, no, no, no, no.

Everyone I love leaves me. Hank was taught in 20C. But, Pop, you look tough as hell. Everyone I love leaves me Hank lives toward info you see But Pop you look tough as hell So I hope our journey ends so well What the fuck are you singing for? No, what? Let's fight

Oh, no Doesn't take that damage Oh, gosh Is Vaughn resistant to shit? Yeah, he doesn't take poison damage So he's immune to a D10 of the damage that he just took. 49. 49.

All right. Vaughn takes 79 points of damage. Is he still standing? Shockingly, yes. He can heal himself too, right? Yep. It's only 10 points around. Oh, God? Yep. It's only 10 points a round. Oh god, yeah, it's only 10 points a round.

Why are we fighting this fucking troll again, Cass? Oh, Quasha made us. Where's Ardis? Come on, help us, Ardis. Tiffany and Koopalooey. Um, okay, I would like to... Am I close enough to run in, attack, and run back out?

No. You can run in, attack and run back out? No. You can run in, attack, that's it. Well, that straight up might make me die. Can I run to a location that will allow me to run in, attack and run out on my next turn?

Yes. I would like to do that. Alright, you spent your turn just sprinting around behind the troll. You're on the opposite side, so you can no longer see Vaughn because the troll is blocking him. Two giant monoliths fighting each other. What do you want Koopa Louie to do? He has a spear that he can use. He also regenerates.

can use he also regenerates uh and then once a day he can uh like explode in spores in all directions which poisons creatures if you're a troll can resist poison yeah um is spear yeah maybe he just has to spear uh yeah the troll is immune to poisoning and Quasha would have said so. Sorry? Yeah, he might just have to spear then. All right. Koopa Louie moves in and attacks with his spear. Son of a bitch. I'm so angry that we're back here.

Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm angry that Adam's going to punish me for being so happy about Vaughn. Adam, if you take my shield guardian away from me, I'm never coming back. That's so unfortunate. Oh, you fuck. Then it is Dragonbait

and Quasha's turn. Well, Quasha can set the fucker on fire. Yes, he can. Burn, baby, burn. Disco and fire. Burn, baby, burn. Quasha produces burn baby burn disco and final burn baby burn quasha produces a ball of flame in one hand which he hurls with force at the troll he strikes the troll the troll screams in pain and takes five points of damage. Are you serious?

Yes. Quasha, you suck. You, Quasha. I'm so angry at us right now. Our hopes and dreams. Oh, my God. You brought us here and you're not pulling your weight? To Quasha, not to me.

Yeah, no. I was like, Cass, I was helping. Quasha says, and now it will not properly regenerate. That is my contribution. Also, we can actually kill it now. We weren't saying that out loud. That would have been rude. No, you did say that out loud.

Yeah, to Tom. Quasha, are you surprised that I have such a disposition that I'd be a rude and arrogant fuck? It wasn't on you. It was talking to Tiffany. I wouldn't say that out loud. How dare you and arrogant fuck. It wasn't on you. It was talking to Tiffany. I wouldn't say that out loud. How dare you, he says. I didn't.

I didn't. I didn't do that. Role play, Ben. Dragonbait kicks the troll in its shin. The troll nearly falls down onto one of its knees. It's nearly taking a knee. And then Dragonbait carves upwards with his sword, nearly disembowelling the creature.

Knave to chops, triple damage. Where's your knave? Navel, like belly button? Yeah, I think so. Chops as in? Cheeks. Wait. Go in with your first food.

Yeah, I was like. From your first mouth with your first food. Yeah, I was like... From your first mouth to your second mouth. No, I think chops is actually your anus. That's not very funny. Or legs, right? What are lamb chops? Like, they're bony, yeah? Yeah.

Where do chops come from? Watch my chops. That's like lips. True. I like the idea of it being cut from its belly to its face. Yeah. Which mouth, though? Oh, yeah, far out.

Yuck. Too many face. Imagine if this was the troll that they fought, like this kind of troll was a troll in Harry Potter, and just Harry Potter died in the, like, 14th chapter of book one, and that was the end. Troll in the dungeon! And then after that book was published,

JK Rowling just talked about how much Harry would have fucked had he lived. I just want you to know what would have happened had I not ended my story out of my own choice. Flask of wine pops it a couple of times with arrows, and then it's Pop and Vaughn's turn. Right. Vaughn heals ten hit points. Adam.

Yes. I got a jug of acid that I'm no longer going to use because what's the fucking point? We've already stopped it from regenerating. I assume the acid would stop it from regenerating. The acid. Well, acid damage is not going to be reduced like other types of damage are, but you might end up still doing more damage with your regular attack. Because that is my first attack. So let's go, baby. It's the

first round that you get that extra attack. I just get the double, don't I? Well, you get three. The other one I get four. Yes. On the first round, you get four, but because you spent the first round... What did you do? Oh, you summoned the acid. I summoned the acid. If you summoned the acid, you might as well use it then.

Alright then. I want to try to get some of the acid in its mouth. Any of its mouths. It is so tall. Can I... Fuck, I don't want to throw the jug. No, get Vaughn to do it. He'll break the jug.

If you say, can you gently pour this acid all over their heads? But then he doesn't get an attack. And he's way stronger than I am. I'm just going to pour acid on whatever I can get acid on it. You pour acid all over the base of the fucking troll's feet. The troll starts hopping on one foot, howling in agony. You deal... Take that, you ugly prick.

You deal seven points of damage to it, but you're also burning it up such that its healing, its regenerative abilities aren't going to work as well. Vaughn starts socking the fucker. Can Vaughn, like, break stuff? What do you want him to break? I don't know. One of the necks? He reaches out and starts

trying to snap one of the necks on the creature. He deals 22 points of damage. Cop that. He hasn't snapped one of its necks but he has his hands around the smallest of the heads the smallest of the three and he's starting to turn it the the that head is starting to look backwards over the troll's shoulder the troll starts kicking and frantically attacking

um it is the troll's turn the troll regenerates a little bit, but not nearly as well. You can see that its healing powers are definitely weaker now. You can see that you're definitely doing a lot better than you were doing last time. Oh, that's good. That's for fucking killing me, you enormous fucking bastard. The troll starts slashing outwards with its hands, making itself a whirlwind of claws. And everyone nearby is going to have to make a dexterity saving throw. Pop.

You fail. Is this a saving throw? Yes. I'd like to do a plus of a D12 to a saving throw. Plus a D12. Will that help me? That will, yes. All right, you pass so you take half damage and vaughn will take half of that damage

vaughn fails the saving throw do you want to help him you're gonna need uh if it doesn't say succeed on a saving throw, probably don't worry about it. What sort of a bonus is it? I've got... No, no, I've got reroll a skill or attack. Vaughn has a three total. He needs 19.

Can we just get you to reroll, like, cash a card in and make it reroll? He has a negative one to his dexterity saving throw, so he only passes on a 20. Yeah, not cool. Oh, I had i had to succeed no i didn't wait i had to succeed on a skill check and that's how i got the horse um yeah so uh nothing for vaughn vaughn will take full damage who else is nearby dragon bait and cooper louis dragon bait and cooper louis both pass for half damage gosh don't storm my guardian adam i will cry he could just roll really low he won't though because this is how this works i get my hopes up and then you crash them into fine powder. Crash them.

That I then use to soak up my tears. Ah, he'll live. But it's getting touch and go for Vaughn, actually. Oh, no. Max damage is 41. Half damage would be 20. You take 10 points of damage, Pop, because it's half halved.

Actually. What? This is quite bad because you got hit, isn't it? Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. Vaughn will take. Is it too late to turn a successful hit against you into a miss? No, this is a saving throw, unfortunately. Dang. Vaughn will take 30 points of damage.

Vaughn is still standing. So Vaughn has a total of 142 hit points. He's on 119 now. Oh, he's just, he's fine. He's okay, but he can't take another buffeting like that. Vaughn, when he hits zero hit points, he just dies. There's no saving throws for him because he's not a creature. He doesn't bleed out.

He just gets broken. Well, that's right. We'll deal with this. We'll get this motherfucker down. So the only... Can healing spells heal Vaughn? No, he's not affected by healing spells. So it's just time for him.

Yeah. Sick. Good to know. Time is something we just have so much of every day and we're not often interrupted by the things that happen that wear us down. Correct. Tifa and Koopa Lou that happen that wear us down. Correct. Tifa and Koopa Louie. It's your turn.

Okay, I would like to cast Green Flame Blade on my rapier, run in, deal maximum damage on this attack. Well, you got a hit first. Oh, no. I would like to hit. Hey, easier said than done, you know. That's right. If you fuck it up, I can reroll the skill or attack. Hey, easier said than done, you know. That's right. If you fuck it up, I can re-roll the skill or attack.

Oh, you'll need that. Re-roll the skill or attack, Adam. Oh, gosh. Do you have any other good boy cards? I do. Yep. Can I cash it in for a re-roll? Yep.

I cashed his fortuitous circumstances in for a re-roll. Or can I just use the fortuitous circumstances? It won't be a hit. But there will be a fortuitous circumstance that happens. What do you want to do? A fortuitous circumstance might just help us. I play my fortuitous circumstance as a fortuitous circumstance. Okay.

Because I'm running in and running out, so if I miss... Well, you can, if you want, spend one of your cards on just re-rolling this. I think these are really good to have because I can just make him miss us if we get real, the next person who gets hit can miss and I think that's more important. Then you miss on this attack and you dart back out.

With a quick go-ho-y. And now, a word from our sponsors. Look, D&D is for nerds is great but if you like that jock-lopping sport, then good news. Our podcast, How Good's Footy,

might be all the way up your alley. Go to sandspantsradio.com, search How Good's Footy, and finally you can connect with us in a way that we've not been able to provide. Then, oh, you control Koopa Louie. Koopa Louie attacks. More spears.

God, I love him. Cooper Louie. Where's his damage? Cooper Louie starts like patting, smashing out Led Zeppelin on his chest. Which one? Thank you. Fuck, what's the song? Come to the license low.

Yeah. Ice and snow, not nice and slow. Is it the immigrant song? The immigrant song, yeah. Yeah. Ice and snow, not ice and snow. Is it the immigrant song? The immigrant song, yeah. Yeah, it is. Cooper Louie deals 15 or 7 points of damage, but he's also chipping away. They're all doing, like in The Simpsons,

everyone's doing their part, including that dog or whatever, pulling the little sign. Everyone knows that reference, right? It checks out, Adam. It checks out adam it checks out i've just checked it and this is it chief dragon bait does 19 points of damage slashing and hacking as cooper louis standing next to him is stabbing and spearing they're trying to work together working away at each leg leg, like weird lumberjacks trying to chop down a tree with two legs.

And Quasha as well. Quasha hurls another ball of fire, which strikes it, doing five points of damage, but hampering its healing as well. I mean, that's handy. It'd be good if it could do like 15 points of damage while hampering its healing you know flask of wine plugs away doing tiny kind of superfluous amounts of damage but doing everything that he can and a giant ball of ice and wind blasts out of the nearby forest, striking the troll.

How fortuitous that Arda Simba was so close. The icy ball consumes the troll and a familiar figure is standing nearby, obviously the source of this freezing sphere. He must be so ticked at us. Can you imagine being like, oh my god.

You left me. I saved you from this. I sacrificed myself and you came back. For you, you fuckhead. Hey, Pop's showing a little bit of empathy. Reward him. Artist, you idiot. Stupid simple boy.

You're getting mad and he hasn't done anything except help. I don't like him. It feels like you're just determined to not like him. Anyway, 10d6 cold damage. 40 points of damage. That's very good. More like artist sick, brah. Artist Simber looks at you, Pop, and says, finish it!

All right, it's your turn. Let's fucking go, Vaughn. Let's fucking go, Vaughn. I decide I'm going to give this... Just going to Achilles fuck this big boy's foot. Just hammer and sickle at its Achilles so its foot is mush. First attack's a miss. Second attack is a critical hit. Yeah, it is.

Third attack is a hit as well So Second attack, critical hit Would you say that Pop is quite powerful with this move? Why do you say? Would it be worth getting him to deal maximum damage on the end? Alright, I never touch a drop

Quadruple damage And if the target takes equal to Or greater than a quarter of their maximum hit points, they lose a leg. So I have to roll that quadruple damage. Are you currently considering using your max damage, boy? Will doing this make this troll lose a leg? You don't know. We think it's worth the risk? Risk it for the biscuit, Cass.

Risk it for the biscuit, Cass. Risk it for the biscuit, Cass. Okay. All right. For eight times four is 32. Yep. Unfortunately, that will not be a leg. But you slash at the troll's Achilles tendon, dropping it to its knees. Then with your hammer,

you carve in its skull or one of its three skulls. The other skull, Vaughn, finally jerks and snaps that second skull. Attaboy! Between you and Vaughn, you completely crumple in one of its heads and you snap back, then up, then in one of its heads and you snap back then up then off one of its heads

the third head the third and final head the biggest one hits the muck and there's a couple there's a few bubbles that come out of the mud all around it but then slowly pop pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. That's what they call me, pop. The troll lies dead. Quasha sprints up onto the back of the troll and starts blasting it with fire. I thought, isn't that overkill, Captain? You've got to burn out the roots, he says. It'll come back if we don't do this. Okay, then.

Tiffany, would you mind setting this thing on fire with your sword? I would not. I start slashing it with green flame bait. Quasha and Tiffany burn it until it is nothing. You did it. How's it going? You back. You both get 5,000 experience points.

Level up. Level up. You fucking better believe it. Level up and then some. Oh my god. Actually, just hang on. I'm gonna just, while you're doing that, just get the thing up. I wanna just do something real. This is gonna be so worth it. This is gonna be so fucking worth it. Oh my god, I'm so excited for things

that are worth it. You level up and are nearly halfway. Are we leveling up right now? Yeah, you level up. No, this is not what I wanted. But it's the song we're getting. No, this isn't what I wanted either. Just give me the thing that I want.

No, Bombina. Wait. Have we leveled up? Yes. up yes we're a venonat maybe we're a motherfucking right you but uh we just doubled up um yeah here we go oh so shit there was a fucking ad for some bullshit like fantasy game. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not knocking bullshit fantasy games right now, are we? Yeah, we absolutely are.

We're not doing bullshit fantasy. This is some good shit. You're one third of the way to the next level. That was awesome. That was a lot of fucking experience points. So what happens when I level up, Adam? Anything? We get to play this song again you'll get extra points you'll get some extra abilities i'll um uh well what we'll do is you guys will have a little rest and then at the end of that

rest you'll be all leveled up and uh we'll go through all of your new abilities and stuff like that you won't necessarily get a lot you'll probably only get like one extra ability each. But you might get some extra magic as well. But your hit points will go up as well. Hey, even mine? Yep, even yours. You'll still have that slightly reduced amount though. Don't forget about it.

Artist Simber hops down off a log and strolls towards you. Well, well, well. Fancy meeting you here. It's so good to see you. Artist Simber hugs Tiffany tightly. Hey, a hug back. You alright, Simple?

Yes, I'm good, thank you. How are you, he says. Oh, you know, I look fucking great, don't I? It happens. It does happen. Are you okay? Yes, I'm fine. I managed to slow it down with some ice and then escaped as best I could.

I've been living off the land for the last couple of days. I wanted to come find you, but I'm not a particularly good woodsman, so I had trouble navigating this area. That's all right. We found you first. Yes. Us, Vaughn Vaughn, us. Ah, I see you finally found

the, what is it, shield guardian? Vaughn, you finally found Vaughn. Yeah, we did. Pleasure to meet you, Vaughn. Update, we scared off Stola Horse, Horse is dead, don't worry about it. Alright. From a group of people who were looking for you.

Do you know who they were? Yeah, they were Black Network. The Zhentarim. Hmm. Yes. I imagine they'd be after this, he says, showing the ring. I figured. That's exactly what they said. Yes. Um, look,

I, being with me is dangerous. I'm just going to let you know that. I'm being hunted by more than just the Zhentarim. I know that much. I know there's frost trolls about. I'm not sure where they've come from, but they're here, and they're searching for me. Oh, I saw the frost trolls.

They were looking for you. Yes, yes, that's how we met, I remember. Yeah. There are frost trolls looking for me i would imagine i don't know if the red wizards are here for me specifically i actually wouldn't imagine they are i'm sure they have some other business but if they were to discover that i had this artifact they would certainly try to take it from me well you're just a barrel of laughs with all your mates aren't you yeah well certainly saved your life didn't i all right cocky

fair enough dragonpaint made a friend artisimber meets kwasha and koopa louie they shake hands and such actually kwasha um kwasha and artisimber have a brief conversation when kwasha says i'm with the emerald enclave we're aware of your artifact oh and they have a little chat where quasha's just like we know it's safe with you but i'm going to stick with you as long as i can just to keep it protected and he says we were also aware that the zendarm were looking for it we're working against them. Oh. Quasha, that information would have been handy when we were deciding whether or not to attack or leave the Black Network

in the forest earlier. You don't always tell your secrets! How can you expect us to open up when you're a closed book? I say something in Aquan that you do not understand. Yay! close book i say something in aqua that you do not understand nearby you find the trolls lair and we're gonna do uh some treasure yay

there's a lair in there and some treasure as well there are people with games. No, you read the treasure. A blue gem worth 60 GP. And a sheet of parchment painted faintly in smoking letters. First level spell scroll. What a reference that no one outside of Australia will get. Good reference, though. If someone wants to write this down. Depends on what is it, though. A blue gem to write this down. Depends on what it is, though.

A blue gem worth 60 gold pieces. I don't want that. Do you want that from the museum? Pop takes the gem. Yep. A sheet of parchment painted in faintly smoking letters. It's a scroll of burning hands. Ooh. Can I do that spell?

Can anyone do that spell? You can do it. I'll keep this in case we need more fire. Is that a cantrip? No, it's a first level spell. Ah, boo. I mean, great. Even if it were a cantrip, it's still a one use thing.

All scrolls are one use. Ah, it's just once. Yeah. Why have we run that scroll book of 16 things? I can do something 16 times myself. Some of them would be quite high level spells. Oh, maybe it's good. Yeah.

16 times myself. Some of them would be quite high level spells. Ooh, maybe it's good. You find four novelty porcelain bottles shaped like soldiers filled with a sticky red liquid that maybe Quasha uncorks one of them, takes a little sip and says, healing potion.

We should take all of those. You take four healing potions. I write that down? Yep. You take the potions. I write that down. Yep. You take the potions because I need them. But when we empty the bottles, I like to keep the bottles for, you know, reasons. Special good reasons. Not relevant.

Don't ask. Is Pop running a museum or is he just a hoarder? Find out next time on Hoarders and Tortles. God damn you uh you find six ingots of gold worth 10 gold pieces each pop takes the girl and a scroll scribbled with odd words stamped with a sigil depicting a mountain tiffany you open it up reading it and you determine that it's a scroll of earth tremor that's's a spell, yeah? Yes.

It deals a little bit of bludgeoning damage and knocks creatures prone. It can also make, if it's loose earth or stone, the area becomes difficult terrain because it's all shaken up. Oh. Yeah. So it's like baby earthquake. Yeah. With everything you'd expect a baby earthquake to do.

Cry, shit itself. Oh, you want expect a baby earthquake to do. Cry, share itself. Oh, you want your tectonic plates. A small- No quake quake. A small bottle marked with a fish glyph whose contents smell of low tide. Quasha takes another sip. Potion of water breathing. Hmm.

What do you want to keep? Can I breathe underwater, Adam? We've probably had this conversation already. You can't, no. I'll just put that away. You can hold your breath extra long. Yeah, that's good. I'll say water breathing potion.

I'll put that on my person. You're so much better at running your stuff than I am. Look at this shit. I've got knife and fork. I have no idea what that's from. You find a gold-bordered scroll bound with a leather strap it's another spell scroll this one is of uh let's say magic weapon it makes a weapon magical for an hour oh magic in what way uh just a slight enhancement so it's the the weight becomes unnaturally good so like the weapon becomes

perfectly weighted beyond what a like what a mortal craftsman could make so it uh plus one to hit and plus one damage cool and if something's like immune to normal weapons i would imagine yeah the magic weapon would hit it it uh yeah It deals full damage against creatures like trolls and ghosts and stuff like that. Ghosts? Ghosts? I ain't scared of no toast. And finally, you find an unremarkable necklace that you find difficult to remember when you glance away from it. Oh, Adam, I would like that necklace.

Do we know what it is? Does anyone know what it is does anyone know what it is um artist simber identifies it he says that it's an amulet of proof against detection and location while wearing this amulet you are hidden from divination magic you can't be targeted by such magic or perceived through magic magical scrying senses. Artist Simbra identifies it because his ring does the same thing. Huh. I take the amulet, but I write myself a note to say that I have an amulet that if I'm not looking at, I will forget it's there and put that in my hat.

You write it on the back of your hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why not just wear it? I am wearing it. I've got two amulets, two belts, and a hat. After all that, you're like, oh, oh, just find out what this is. You can't remember it after looking at it. You look it up.

Two minutes go by. Art of Simba tells you it is a shy rock. I wrote amulet of forgetsies. That's so cute. Oh, boy. So. Yes. With Art of Simba, you decide to maybe rest after your long fight.

And over the night, you will level up. You're going to get extra hit points. You're going to get some new abilities. I'll list them out for you now. You, first off, Pop, you gain an ability called Iron Mind, means my brain is iron man my brain is tony stark look while i can't say no that is also not entirely by seventh level you have honed your ability to resist the mind altering powers of your prey uh you gain proficiency in wisdom saving throws basically cool so people try to like fuck with my brain they can't they can't yes they

emmanuel can't i hope everyone appreciated that amazing joke you also get to learn one additional spell that you'll want to write down yourself first or second level well you can pick. Ooh. Ooh. Yes. Choices. Let me make some suggestions for you. Yep. There's the alarm spell, which wards an area for eight hours. You can make a very audible alarm, or you can make an alarm that only you hear. And if someone enters the area of the spell without saying the secret code phrase, which you get to decide, then it sets off an alarm. That's one suggestion you could take detect magic that's another first level spell yep i can just look at magic exists yeah yep magic exists if it exists oh my god imagine if at the end of the campaign we found out that magic

wasn't real we just believed in ourselves a lot that was very cute the real magic wasn't real the real magic is self-belief i'm sorry the worst i hate it but i can't stop doing it i'm so sorry i hate it if i may yeah spike growth the ground in a 20 foot radius centered on a point within range range once again being um 150 feet uh twists and sprouts hard spikes and thorns the area becomes difficult to rain for the duration and when a creature moves into or within the area it takes 2d4 piercing damage for every five feet. I really like spiky terrain. Yeah. That's a nasty attack.

That's a nasty... See, my brain's like, you should do detect magic so you can know where spells are. And my other brain's like, you should do the spiky ground so you can just put spiky ground near people that you don't like. Hey, what do you think Pop would pick? Spiky ground, Adam. All right. Spike growth it is. tiffany yes you will get

uh quite a few things actually so first things first you get an ability called evasion beginning at seventh level you can nimbly dodge out of the way of certain area effect spells such as an ancient red dragon's fiery breath or an ice storm spell when you're subjected to an effect that allows you to make a dexterity saving throw to take only half damage you instead take no damage if you succeed on the saving throw holy shit you basically become the matrix and only half damage if you fail sick also in addition you will get one extra first level spell and you can now cast two second level spells uh there's enlarge slash reduce where you can double someone's size or half someone's size you can cast it on someone who's not willing but they get a saving throw to resist it

don't you dare fucking make me small oh no you go into your shell and you'd be punterville there's crown of madness which went uh if they fail a saving throw you can force them to attack their allies that's a very good one alter self you can magically change your appearance oh my god what's the difference between alter self and disguise self disguise self i believe is the i forget which one's the lower version of the spell but one guy's level one yeah disguise self? Disguise self, I believe, is the... I forget which one's the lower version of the spell, but one... Disguise is level one. Yeah, disguise self is not as effective. So it does...

Alter self... Could you make yourself look... Yeah, can I make myself look normal with that? You can, but that spell only lasts for an hour and you need to concentrate on it. Just to double check. I know when I got injured, it was was like you won't be able to hide this properly yeah can i hired hide my injury with alter self for one hour yes i would like to take alter self oh the tragedy of this spell you are now level seven congratulations yay But will level 7 be enough to keep our players safe?

Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chant Thanks for listening If you want to help support this show And all the other shows we do here at Sands Pants Radio Then why not subscribe to SandsPantsPlus.com For as little as $5 a month, you can have access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and content.

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