D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #21 Return To Camp

Episode Date: December 7, 2019

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SansPantsRadio. Uh, I have the subtitles stuck on Draconic again. Dinosaur Land to all Sandspans Plus members January 1st 2020. All you have to do is sign up to SandspansPlus.com at any level from now until January 31st and you'll get access to the complete playthrough New Year's Morn. Get in quick because come February it'll be only available to Sandspans Kings. So just head to SandspansPlus.com today and sign up so you can enter the new year listening to the terrible atrocities that Adam and Cash unleash onto an unsuspecting dinosaur land. Welcome to Season 1, Episode 21 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Cholt. Premium M. The freezing point and boiling point aren't 0 and 100 respectively.

They're not set around those. Fahrenheit is dumb as shit. Vaughn, touch the symbol. Vaughn leans forward and touches the symbol. As he does so, he breaks the statue by pressing too hard. I almost thought to myself, am I going to have to tell him to do this gently? Yeah, I am. Half of Hank's body is completely sandpapered away

by the force of the blast. A giant ball of ice and wind blasts out of the nearby forest, striking the troll. How fortuitous that Artis Simba was so close. You did it. How's it going? You did it you both get 5000 experience points

level up you fucking better believe it level up and then some kwasha and artist simba have a brief conversation when kwasha says and with the emerald enclave we're aware of your artifact just to double check I know when I got injured it was like you won't be able to hide this properly. Yeah.

Can I hide my injury with Alter Self? For one hour, yes. I would like to take Alter Self. Oh. Having just reached level seven, you're still standing where you killed the troll. So we're all awake. Wait, have we gone to bed and woken back up again? Yeah, it's been a day.

Cool. Vaughn was on watch, by the way. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Vaughn was on watch. I kept him company for a little bit, though. You know. It's the perfect companion. Doesn't talk.

Does what I want. That's fine. That doesn't hurt at all. I'm going to cure wounds on myself. Oh, in the night, you would have healed a lot of health. Oh, you. Well, you would have healed a lot of health. Oh, you. Well, Tiffany is fully healed. Let me find out how much damage you have recovered.

I've still got to use cure wounds in the morning. Oh, you're on full hit points. Cool. I just use a level one cure wounds just to try to staunch the constant bleeding from my skin sores. Artist Simber seems concerned with you what he doesn't say anything he just like looks at you with a he just seems worried for you i'm fine artist simber nods but nonetheless it persists in the middle of the night at some point it started raining absolutely pelting down and it has not stopped so So I don't think we're going anywhere.

What's the plan? We've got Vaughn. You're looking for Oumu. Yeah, that's right. The city. Because otherwise, so all the options are we take Vaughn back to the prince boy and trade him in. That's not going to be an option, Cass, even if you'd like that to be an option.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I think if we- I'm sorry, Tiffany. I'm afraid I can't do that. Omu is somewhere to the south. It's where the snake boy lives who made the soulmonger. Razni. Yeah, snake boy.

Call him whatever you want. I think we should take Vaughn to Razni and have him destroy him and the soulmonger. I'm okay with that plan. You don't want to take him back to your friend? I mean, it would be really nice to have, you know, the money to go through, but if one's so powerful. He's very powerful. He's the best friend I've ever had.

Money's not going to help us if. We're dead. Yeah. Yeah, no, fair. It's not going to make us stronger. I mean, I suppose we Yeah, nah, fair. It's not going to make us stronger. I mean, I suppose we could buy things with it, but this way it'll just get done. And I just really, really...

Because anyway, we'll pay us a lot of money. We're going to get money in the end anyway. And I just... And we get to keep the statue, man. Yeah, right. Oh, keep it. Yeah. I suppose we're his owners now, aren't we?

We? You. I suppose you're his owners now, aren't we? We? You. I suppose you're his owner now, aren't you? Yeah, I am. Okay, well, it's up to you, but I think we should- Everyone's just quietly watching this exchange. No, no, we'll- I just want to get this done.

I just want to get this homewonger done. I want to get the money and I want to save my dad. All right. We're going to get a regular. Why don't we turn to the assembled group? Just so you're all aware, our our plan from here as I'm sure you overheard you noisy fucks is to go to Omu kill the snake boy

Razni. Thank you. Horns. You're welcome. Yep. Okay. And thus end the awful awful tragedy of that cellmonger. And in my head, I think, I'd take a little bit back from a museum. Just a little chunk. Can I do, like, a perception check? Do I pick up on that? If I do, I say nothing.

It would be insight, and you absolutely i give you a little smug smile you know um you can say that episode of spongebob where squidward tries to krabby patty and spongebob's like you like it don't you squidward that's the smile i give you what what fucking hell artist simba looks like he's in deep thought yes this that sounds like plan obviously we want to head towards omu i'm just wondering if there might be i don't know like a smarter way of doing this well what did you have in mind well rather than just stomping around somewhere to the south potentially we could look to, I'm not sure if I've got the expression correct, but perhaps we could crib someone else's notes. Oh, I like the way you think.

You've spoken about seeing the Zhentarim. We know that the Red Wizards of Thay are here as well. Who knows what are the factions, the Iron Gauntlet, or the Flaming Fists, sorry. Many other factions are bungling their way about here in Chult. Perhaps we might be able to speak with one of them. Or, alternatively, we could go back to Port Nyanzaru, and I am aware that one of the merchant princes there...

Let me just quickly look up his name. What the fuck are you talking about, Arthas? You can't even read. One of the merchant princes there, Jabal, he deals in guides and sellswords and sometimes maps. We might be able to find more information.

I don't think we can really go to Jabal. Hey, Flask of Wine, why can't we go to Jabal? Flask of Wine shakes his head because Jabal is a mean, mean man. But also, Flask of Wine, why can't we go to Jabal? I don't know why. All right. Quasha, why can't we go to Jabal for help right now?

Because if we go to Jabal and tell him what we're doing, he'll be asking us why we didn't get an official contract for it. There you go, Artists, because we fucked up earlier. Artists Simber. He fucking must, because like you said before, he's just doing this out of the goodness of his heart. Well, Artists Simber also does. Like, you've recently realized that your goals are aligned. Yeah.

Because Artisimber can't see his wife again until this business is stopped. Yeah. Artisimber says, well, we don't necessarily need to, well, if the man has maps, we don't necessarily need to, he doesn't necessarily need to willingly part with them. Oh, Artisimber, I didn't have you pegged for something like that. I thought you were a goody two-shoes. Well, you can definitely take the maps. That's not hard. That's doable.

We're doing it for a good cause. It's a great cause. It's the best cause. There's no cause that's ever been better. And so long as no one unnecessarily gets hurt, I don't see any problem in it. No, if they just look at me funny, talk to me, smile weird, I'll just break their nose.

All right. You gave off an aura weird, I'll just break their nose. All right. You gave off an aura that really suggests that. It is their fault. I have perfected that aura over many, many years. Look, if we do this cleverly, we might not even have the opportunity for someone to look at you. Oh, fuck, I wanted to break a nose. Look, let's not throw the idea of such a deception out the window.

Perhaps you could be a distraction. While our lovely lady here secrets her way in. You know, I think I recently figured out how to look completely different, and I'd love to give it a go. Okie dokie. And I can be a distraction by turning someone's backyard into spikes. So we have a location for Jabal, but if we can find out if there's any information we can get on the Zhentarim or on the Red Wizards, both of those would be quite useful. Anyone here real good at tracking folk?

That would be Flosk of Wine. Quasha and Cooper Louie aren't bad at it. They found each other. Actually, Quasha's straight up good at it. My theory was that they tracked down the Zantari that we scared off earlier. Oh. And just kidnapped. Our ex-spookums. Someone.

Probably the wussy priest. He looks like he'd break real easy. Yeah, someone who looks like they would be nothing without their henchmen, but would never tell you. Yeah. Someone who looks like they would be nothing without their henchmen but would never tell you. Yeah. Someone who, for the first two days of being kidnapped, is like, they're coming for me. You're like, they're just not, man. They don't like you.

You know that you pay them, right? Your paychecks to them stopped. They've got new jobs. They've moved on. They're working for me now. Bluff, bluff, bluff, bluff, bluff. Is that an option, Adam, to track those guys? You could try, yeah.

That's what I think we should do, Cass. Why? I think that's a really good idea. I used a beforesy name. I'm so sorry, monster. Not mutt. What? We might be able to find some in Port Nyanzaru rather than stomping around in the jungle

searching for them. You don't like stomping, do you? I don't know. I'm just saying. I'm sorry. I get the like stomping, do you? I don't know. I'm just saying. I'm sorry. I get the fact that I have large feet that can only stomp. We've only got one. I'm sorry, what?

What? Where's Point Nyanzaro? I have both. Point Nyanzaro is in the north. It's the city you came from. Do you remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool.

Well, we should go there. I mean, we're already heading north anyway. Real smooth, Horns. Real smooth. Go and talk to my friend. Vaughn. Silent, silent Vaughn. But there'd be someone in Port Nines who could, like, fix me too.

Oh, hey. Let's try and get a bit fixed in the face, hey. Let's try and fix me whole body up. My whole festering body and my fucked up leg that you so kindly pointed out existed hey i'm sorry man that adam pointed out the other day that uh my leg is fucked so i lose like the ability to attack people but because of one of my skills i gain bonuses when i attack people on the first turn so it kind of just doesn't happen my leg's fine when i make the first move so what's the plan to head back to port nines are yeah yeah

i think so shall we uh head back to fort vengeance and get some boats to get head up the river you can just wait outside if you want. No, I don't fucking wait outside for anybody. I go in places. I'm not fucking

second class citizen you fucking asshole. Not what I meant. I'm so sorry. That's fine. I don't mind. But secretly it wasn't fine.

No. Sorry. It was not fine. Well then December gestures for flask of wine onto the fort. It was not fine. Well then, sembra gestures for flask of wine. On to the fort.

In my heart I go, yes! It's where mum is. Oh no, what if she died? Was that roll to see if she died? You better believe it, bucko. Can I play a fortuitous circumstance so she is dead? Oh my god god i don't

have i'd allow it it's one time i used all my good boy cards in failing to fight the troll and then bringing out a simba to us oh my god hank died oh yeah the horse that i named hank i loved hank a day passes uneventfully but both of you gain one level of exhaustion from traveling in the weather. Oh, fuck. It's so wet out. I forgot it was raining. I would have told us to wait. Gotcha.

Artists, you big fuck. That's such a good insult because it's just like it means nothing. It's just fun to call someone a big fuck because what what yeah he's a big fuck he's a big long fuck long rolling yeah rolling rolling on the all right so after a day of travel you can see that night as you're setting up your camp, you can see because the jungle, you didn't really notice until you had a feature to compare the landscape to, but you've been steadily moving downhill. The jungle slopes downwards towards the river where Fort Vengeance is,

and you can see the lights of Fort Vengeance in the night. But it'd be just too, well, you could, if you wanted to, push on and get there. You'd get there by midnight, but that'd mean walking a lot in the dark. In the rain. The rain, I'm sorry. The rain lets up as the day progresses until basically at the end of the day, the rain is completely gone. You could push on if you wanted to. If we get there, we can rest.

We're pushing on, folks. All right. Keep your shit together. Vaughn, punch anything that isn't us. Vaughn does not respond, but he definitely will obey that order. No squirrels. That's a really vague order, hey? Yep.

Every tree's getting decked. We get to Camp Vengeance. Someone greets us. Bang. Before we get close to Camp Vengeance, though, I'm not taking Vaughn anywhere near those fucking soldiers. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not that they'd be able to do anything, but, like,

no way Mustachio'd fuck back. I'm swearing a lot today. I'd like to apologize to my mom. It's okay. I remember... You said okay after. John was like, I'd like to apologize to my mom. You're like, it's okay.

I remember once I had a conversation with my dad where he was like, you swear a lot now, Adam. I was like, I learned from you. You fucking swear a lot, Adam. Fuck. My dad says fuck as he changes TV channels. What? Anyway.

At one point, Flosk of Wine gets a bit turned about, but Quasha is able to set you guys straight. Fuck, this cat's useless. Jesus. We've got Quasha now. That's good. We've got Quasha now. It's all fine. Yeah, it's okay.

We're going to be fine. Forget about it. Hey, you were good at looking through the now. It's all fine. Yeah, it's okay. We're going to be fine. Forget about it. Hey, you were good at looking through the forest. He's so good at forests. My cousin Vinny's like, hey, he's the best forest guy in the wild. Yeah, you're good at forests. If we get too lost, you take us out of the forest. I'm not forest.

I'm good at, like, swamp. Ah. But sometimes also forest. Ah. It's jungle. It's a little different forest not as hot jeez it's always so hot out here it's so hot and it's wet

it's all wet and rainy it's all rainy I'm sorry sir before we get to Camp Vengeance I just want Vaughn to sequester himself into the jungle and I will call on him when we are ready to continue. Vaughn punches a giant tree until he's made a

divot large enough for himself and then he stands in the divot Give me a thumbs up, Vaughn Vaughn gives you a thumbs up Fuck, I love that so much I remember this camp The two breast tents in the middle. So we enter the camp.

Everyone's pretty chill. No, no, no, no, no, no. I stole an oar. I'm using it as a crutch. It's part of my leg brace. That's right. You would approach the camp from the other side to the river. So the first thing you see is the wall and the deep moat that they have dug around the encampment.

There are angry-looking sharp wooden stakes set into the moat to prevent trespassing. And you can see many, many, many attempts at incursions all around the fortifications. There's just countless undead and a multitude of different types of dinosaur as well. Do you know what's amazing? Touch wood, Cass.

We haven't encountered undead once. Oh, yeah. Oh, poor Quasher and Koopa Louie, eh? I know, right? They wanted us to help kill them, and we will. We've just been so lucky. All we've gotten is dinosaurs and trolls we're just blessed yeah i've only died and so have you oh we only died yeah i haven't addressed

that properly in any way and or unhealthy way either oh no no no no no no you know you can take that to your grave and then take it back with you when you don't die can you imagine holding on to something and knowing that not even death can free you from it? Yeah, that's how I am every day, baby. Oh, boy. There's lots of undead around the camp. Are they all dead? Dead, dead or undead?

Like dead, undead? Or are they still like squirming? Most of them are dead, dead. But some of them are maybe stuck on spikes and struggling a little bit. It looks like they do make an effort to clear this place out, but this is maybe something that's happened recently.

Cass, I think your friend's going to be dead. Well, that would kill me. Do we have to walk all the way around to get in? Yeah, you've got to walk all the way around to the front. There's only one way in. Okay, yep. I walk along my outlook. Tiffany power walks a bit by accident.

Not really meaning to. Just going to step a bit more, a bit more step. Ooh, let's get in a bit faster. I'm not rushing, though. Under the light patter of rain, as you round towards the front part, you hear a voice calling out from the gateway up above the gateway there's like a platform for sentrymen to watch halt who goes there oh here we fucking go again oh maybe just think before you talk please just think before

you talk all right hi we're back who we, one of the guard calls out The fucking travelers They seem to um and ah The gates don't open at night They have hinges, oh fucking my god We're here to visit Sister Sias Wait right there, one of the flames bobs off behind the wall. We don't open at night.

Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, well, they're just trying to be, I mean, we'd be wary of new people as well. Yeah, but like, come on. We walk to the front gate. What are we going to do? Well, hopefully Sister Sias will let us in and there won't be any fuss and we can just rest and... I'm fucking okay, how are you?

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep, you know? Yeah. I feel like I've died. Oh wait, I have. The gates open and several soldiers, along with Sister Sias, walk outside. Well, Sister Sias kind of like power jogs towards you.

And I sort of walk, walk, walk. A little bit of a skip and I sort of run a bit. She embraces you tightly. She kisses you on the cheek and forehead. I love that one. I winced at first. I don't know what that is. She like rubs with her arms.

She rubs your arms up and down and says you're chilled to the bone and drenched the same please come inside come inside she gestures for all of you i'm a bit overwhelmed i don't respond but i look at her like she's my mom i guess not that i really know what that is the fact that like the biggest thrill you get is when somebody hugs you is the bleakest thing, I think, in the world. I got that weird Amelie disease. Seen Amelie? The Amelie affliction? No, wait, that's a band.

No, wait, that's not what they're called. It's a film and the little girl, her dad's a doctor and all she wants is his love and and he's not very affectionate so anytime he hugs her her heart beats really fast because she gets really excited so he ends up diagnosing her with a heart condition because every time he goes near her her heart's beating wrong oh man oh what a film sister siass takes you around the big command tent inside which you can hear a loud commotion, a bit of yelling to the tents up the back and finding one for just you guys. She sets you up there. She's just like ordering the soldiers about and they're running to and from. She's got a bit of sway around here, right?

Yeah, she's pretty cool. She's all right. I don't immediately despise her, so. Ooh. I react to that. That's big for you. At one point, a very high-ranking-looking soldier wanders up. A male dwarf with, like, a sheen of golden colour to his skin wanders up and has a word with sister sire uh sarah sorry she

kind of dismisses him saying uh not now lieutenant firebeard not now and he in a bit of a huff wanders off but like as he's leaving he looks back and then keeps going it's just like something's up. Is everything okay? Some scouts have reported some troubling news. But we're waiting for all of them to return. What happens if they don't? If they don't all return, then that's basically confirmation of some bad news. What's out there? What's happened?

We might be able to help. There's a particularly thick and nasty swarm of dead heading our way. Oh. It happens from time to time. They're like an almost a weather event. I look at Quasha and Koopa Louie. Did they hear that? Quasha and Koopa Louie are listening intently.

Right. Well, we can help you with that then. Quasha nods, we will help you with that. I guess we will. We promised. Yeah, but you know, promises, you know, they're like paper and water. They're kind of strong, but if you poke them hard enough, they fall apart. You make that up?

Yeah, it wasn't very good. No, that was real good. No, it was fine. It was good. It just, literally, it was good. It breaks my heart that you think about the world in this way. I go to school, all right? Jesus.

I'm an, I'm an, where do you think I learned how to do the tombs? I'm clever. I never actually thought about it. I didn't think you wasn't clever. It just, it's beautiful. Don't, don't use that word in my presence again. Clever? Beautiful.

Oh, beautiful. Cut it out, huh? Yeah, I'll stop. I'll stop. You're a wise guy. You are a wise guy. Yeah, a little bit. I got a plus three.

Cut it out. Oh, forget about it. We're back to talking normally again, obviously, because it was in Infernal, Adam. Sister Sia says No, no, no, no, you simply couldn't It would be too dangerous for you to stay here Look at us, do we look like people who shirk from danger? This might be beyond danger

Right Look at me Do I look like someone who shirks from beyond danger? Wait, what are you You don't look Look I'm sorry Maybe I misjudged you, but if you throw your lot in here, you might not

have any cards to play in the future, if you understand my meaning. Sure, but you don't know what cards I've got. Wait, wait, wait. That's true. Sister Sias, are you planning to die? If the reports are correct, this is going to be quite a siege. Well, then come with us. We can't abandon our position.

Why? It's about to be destroyed. You won't let us stay. I won't let you stay. We, no, our group cannot abandon its position. We cannot all leave. We don't have enough boats. And if we made it it if we went on foot we would just be slowly picked apart by the jungle i would suggest we have six heavily wounded and sick soldiers in the medical tents i would consider it a personal favor if you took them

away from here on the boats we do have what why weren't you they'll need someone to care for them we can't care for them can't you come as their carer hwasha stands up puts folds his arms and says you can do whatever you want but i'll fight here and if i have to fight here from the brig then so be it that's the coolest fucking line I've heard. Cooper Louie gets up, folds his arms, then realises that he can't talk if he has his arms folded and just does a little... And then maybe puts his hands on his hips. God, it's beautiful.

I mean, I don't know about you, Horns. You've died, I've died, I ain't so bad at it. I, like... I flap up my hang on i narrow my eyes at you in a way that makes my cheek flap dig into my eye so that we can see the wound uh no just so it's really obvious that i'm quite wounded in the face and that it's affecting my everyday life. Like, I make an expression that just moves it about in such a way that it's just crushing my eye.

I stretch my leg until all the skin on my body bleeds a bit. Well, I guess. We're all in. It's all right. We got Vaughn. Do you reckon he could just kick them? I reckon he could punt them into space. Have you seen that motherfucker's big tree trunk legs? Jesus Christ. Do you reckon he could just kick them? I reckon he could punt them into space. Have you seen that motherfucker's big tree trunk legs?

Jesus Christ. Do you reckon he could start a fire? I reckon if I asked him he could start a fire. That's not a bad idea, actually. Find out where they're coming from. Get him to start a big fire. Uh, sister? Yes?

Look, you're not going to be able to send us away from here. We're going to assist you whether you like it or not. But we need all the information you have. Where are they coming from? They'll be coming from the north. Great. How far away are they? They'll probably reach us by the morning.

But that's if our scouts return. Where are your scouts coming from? Also the north. Well, we can't kill the scouts. Nah, we can't kill them. We can't kill them. Technically, we can't kill the scouts. Nah, we can't kill them. We can't kill them. I mean, technically, we could kill them. Yeah, but that would be bad.

They're all idiotic religious zealots who are prepared to die for their cause. So, you know, come on. We ain't their cause. Yeah, but like, you know, they're prepared to stay here and die. They could abandon this position. It's a shithole. They can't abandon this position. It's a shithole. They can't abandon this position. That's the point.

There's too many of them. They couldn't all escape. They're idiots for staying in this shithole. That dumb commander with his stupid half mustache doomed them all to death. Maybe there's another way. We could break his neck and pretend it was in the commotion. God. Hey.

What? What? Forget about that. Forget about yourself. What? What? Forget about that. Oh, forget about yourself. We find out in a few days. Everyone can speak infernal. Can anyone speak infernal in our party, Adam? You don't have to tell us who

if they can. Just say if anyone can. That's including the sister at the moment, too. Oh, yeah. Anyone within our party or in a shot. That's including the sister at the moment too. Oh yeah. Anyone within our party already a shot. That's just a sick person in the tent next door being like, they're gonna choke out the commander? Who's born?

Yes. Do you know what though? Do you know what I love is, they've never said anything to us about being able to overhear our infernal conversations. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Can I ask another question? Is it in our party or is it Sister Sias? I won't say.

And now a quick word from our sponsor. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that we would stop all this role-playing nonsense so that we could get down to brass tacks and nut out which bird is the best bird, then do I have news for you. Shut Up A Second is a show by myself, Jackson, Cass, and Zoe, where we, as my dad calls it, embarrass ourselves on a public platform with our lack of scientific understanding. So if you like the sound of that,

or if you want to know why my dad isn't answering my calls, then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Shut Up A Second. If it's in our party, it's very funny. That's so good. Because I'm not going to speak draconic because I assume Dragonbait can understand draconic. You can't speak draconic. Yeah, there'd be no one to speak to. What can you speak? Celestial, common, and

infernal. I speak angel language. Oh my God! That's what I meant. Is celestial language just like opera singing? Do you want to go over there? Yes, I do. Do you like my celestial voice?

It is very good. This is how I speak to God. And this is how I speak to God. And this is how I speak to... There's some baritones in the celestial language. That's the reason God doesn't talk to us. Did you just say that's the reason God doesn't talk to us?

Yeah. It's his dumb voice. I speak a lot more languages than you did. Yeah. He's just a dumb voice. I speak a lot more languages than you did. I thought we both spoke a lot because I speak common, infernal, but also aquan, draconic, and elvish. You speak one language for every part of you that comes out of a shell. Oh, my God, I do too. Do you like how I did mine coming out of my shell to count all the bits that come out of me?

Coming out of my shell, I'm a turtle. I shouldn't have come out of my shell. Oh, no, I can't go back in. I wasn't hold the bits that come out of me. Coming out of my shell. I'm a turtle. I shouldn't have come out of my shell. Oh, no. I can't go back in. I wasn't doing just fine. Adam. Instructions to Vaughn. I can just kind of think them, right?

There is a verbal component. God, I keep forgetting. There is a verbal component. He has to be with an earshot or? No, you just need to say the words. But he doesn't need. He hears it. You just need to say the words out loud.'t need he hears it you just need to say the

words out loud right cool so what i'm gonna say is hey big fella wait for the scouts to get past and then start a big fuck off fire to the north you can tell that vaughn heard that understood it and will do it sister size heard that too everyone. Yeah. You could speak that in any language. You know that, right? Oh, you should go Aquan then. Absolutely. Sorry, can you redo that in Aquan? Did we decide on an Aquan?

No, we didn't. Oh, yeah, because you can't want to do Aquan. I was trying to be Aquaman. I love submarines and redheads. All right, Tom, stop talking about yourself. My word. Yeah, I want to give that command an acronym. I need a...

Hang on. Can you do a fish voice? My word. Powerful. Did you say real words? Yes. Maybe less water in your mouth. Yeah, I need less water in my mouth.

So I just gave those instructions in Aquent so no one else heard them. Well, no, everyone heard them, but no one understood what I just did. Unless they speak Aquent. Adam, does anyone in our party speak maternal language? Maternal is what it's known as colloquially. Maternal. Hays or lows? Hays.

Hays? Yes. Oh, F. So. I want to know who it was because I said my best friend. Big fella and best friend. So. So, as you're in the camp, you slowly, just to refresh you, Niles Breakbone is the Templar in charge around here.

He's the guy who tried to arrest me last time. Yeah, yeah, with the moustache and such. The guy with the bad ideas. Bad idea, fuckhead. The standard garrison at this base consists of about 58 people, though the actual number of effective warriors is typically below that because of sickness.

Breakbone has two captains beneath him, Ord Firebeard, the golden dwarf. I think we've met him last time we were here, very briefly. I think he was guarding the gate when we came here last time. There was a dwarf last time we were here very briefly i think he was guarding the gate when we came here last time uh there was a dwarf on the gate but i don't think it was him and there was perrine salhana just kind of like a human she she was in the room when i got arrested yes reporting to them is a fighting force comprising of somewhere in the area of like 30 people, though this is supplemented by a religious corps of six acolytes led by Sister Sias.

Technically, the religious Templars are part of the fighting force, but in practice, they spend most of their time tending to the sick and wounded here. Finally, the fort is supported by a ragtag troop of Chultan hunters and scouts consisting of about 15 tribal warriors led by Lorsa Bilwatal, a longtime friend of Breakbone. So you see all these different Sister Saias, the Dwarf Firebeard, Salhana, Breakbone, and Bilwatal. beard salhana break bone and bill wattle you see the basically the five leaders of this camp interacting and ordering people and giving directions and stuff like that and you can kind of slowly learn the political minutiae of what's happening here break bone is in charge a hundred percent like everyone else in charge adam he is yeah no everyone ultimately has to listen to what he says but he does genuinely listen to his captains so if sias or if firebeard or if salhana or if uh or if his friend bill wattle if any of them make a suggestion he does genuinely seem to consider it but you can see that he's a very stressed and frazzled man.

This is not his element and he is deep in it. So, sister. Yes? Why are you here? Why are we here? In this jungle. Basically for this exact purpose. To do what we're about to do.

We're to clear this jungle of its infestations. To tame it again. This place used to be safe.'re about to do. We're to clear this jungle of its infestations, to tame it again. This place used to be safe. Jolt was never safe. Please. Get a good boy, Karp. Yay! As the night wears on,

do any of you try to get some sleep? Yes. Yeah. Can I just very awkwardly approach the sister? Yeah. Fuck, it's goingly approach the sister? Yeah. Fuck, it's going to be uncomfortable for me to do, but we'll do it anyway. Sister, as you can see, I am in a bit of- You have your horse here, by the way.

No, I don't. The horse died. That's right, it did too. Never mind. It's body liquefied, Adam. Why would you bring up Hank? Half of him became not horse anymore. And not in a centaur way.

So good. Fuck. So his whole body rippled and turned to mush. Now, I want to talk to Sue the Sister about my current. Yeah. You're fairly good at the, you know, it's, well, you know, whatever it is that you do, sister. What's your question?

You know, about doing what you do on people who require assistance. It's so weird. She looks at you carefully. There's not much I can help with now. No, that's fine. I'm not even worried about it. I'm just getting a professional opinion.

No, you do need help. There is something I can do, but unfortunately, I need to save myself for the fight. I'm not asking. It's okay. Your malady will not kill you in the immediate future, but I can help you. I will. Okay.

Yeah. All right. As you were. She puts a hand on your shoulder as you're leaving. Wait till you turn around. And then making sure she makes eye contact with you, she says, don't worry, I will help you. Okay. Oh, that was hard for you.

Pop just like kind of stumbles off. Oh, I imagine you go and sit down and just feel very small. For the first time in a very long time. You feel not big. I feel that every day, mate. No, I feel big all the time. I'm fucking great. Yeah.

No, you're giant. Yeah, I'm a huge boy. You feel like you do not take up space in the world like you did the moment ago. Yeah, it's like sitting there just staring into like nothing. Just need to take a moment for yourself. Yep. Big oof. Oh, come on, Big Pop, you're right. Big Pop.

You've been in worse. Big Pop. Do I need to heal myself now? It's the morning again, too. Yes, you do so. You're down to 92 hit points. You've only got five left, yeah? I believe he only has four left.

I'm almost stabilised. So if I stabilise, I'll stop losing health, but I'll still be horribly disfigured? Yes. So, as the sun begins to rise, the light rain begins to get heavier and heavier and heavier and heavier until the sun is blotted out by the thick rain. He's not going to be able to start that fire. Because of everything that is happening, you guys rest, but you don't get a proper rest. Yeah. So, Tiffany, you are on two levels of exhaustion. Pop, you are on one.

And if this rain continues when the fight starts, you will both gain another level of exhaustion. Oh, fuck. You hear, through the rain, a bell. And then people are up and about and yelling. You're not sure exactly what's happening because you're up the back end of the camp where all the tents are. To the north? No, no, no. It's to the east.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It would be the southern. Sorry. Actually, the southern end of the camp where the gate is. That's where the commotion is coming from. And through this thick rain, you cannot see the other end of the camp. Are the others with us? Have we got our little posse?

You've got your own little posse. Yeah, yeah. You're all together. That sounds good, doesn't it? It looks bad. All right. Well, we got no fire because it's raining too heavy. What can you do?

Can you pull down a tree and just sort of hit everyone with the tree? I'll ask. I don't do it in Aquit anymore because the sister's not with us, is she? No, not right now. Cool. I don't... Well, I don't know. I trust her, but I don't want to.

No, I've got the map. I'll send backwards. So, the east end of camp is where the gate is. You are at the west end. The Vaughan is in the northwestern corner, a bit further out. Okay. So what do you want to do? We should go to where the commotion is.

And while we're going there, I'll just have a quick chat to me old mate. We need to go help. We need to go help everyone. All right. All right. Okay. We'll do our best. Go help your friend, right?

Okay. So you rush towards the front. Who did you want to chat to? Sorry? Oh, no, I'm going to chat to Vaughn. Oh, Vaughn. Because I was going to get him to light a fire, but it's going to rain, so there's no... That's very heavy raining.

Can he use a tree like a baseball bat, Adam? He certainly can. I would ask him to prepare a baseball bat tree, and if he encounters any undead While patrolling in the sort of northern area To beat them shitless And be on standby For if I need him at a moment's notice

Okay You have to specify that Absolutely, even though I could just think it Be ready Just the idea that Vaughn is only ready This poor shield guardian gets the command Of be ready just the idea that fawn is only ready this poor shield guardian gets the command of be ready and then all of a sudden doesn't know what a state is just shatters into a thousand pieces

because i broke the shield guardian so pop as you say that you see the tabaxi, flask of wine, give you a weird sideways glance. Oi, flask. You're rushing to the front of the camp. Yeah, we're rushing as a group, right? Yeah. Stay with me. It's not a very, it doesn't take you very long. Flask of wine doesn't respond.

You get to the front, to the east end of camp. But do his cat ears do that thing where a cat hears you, but they ignore you and the ear flicks back and then flicks forward again? Well, you're not really paying attention. Pop, you don't see him do that. You get to the east end of camp. I'm not going to be able to concentrate on this fight now. You can see that there's a scout has returned.

It's one of the local tribes people. He's babbling. You know how someone who has a traumatic experience will just talk and give that thousand yard stare? That's what's happening. This seems super normal. Bill Wattle is kind of there comforting him and trying to get any information out of him. So are all the five captain people there? Yeah, they're all.

Oh, no, actually. Firebeard was here, but as you arrived, he started waiting towards the other end of the camp, just like so that not everyone is in one place. What happened? Is this the first time Breakbone has seen that we've come back? Oh, Breakbone's seen you before. He gave you a dirty look, but hasn't said anything. I winked at him when he gave me a dirty look. You think- Bloom a kiss.

You think Sister Sias is protecting you. Oh, you know, very much so. Bill Waddle slowly translates for the Scout, although you actually, Pop, would speak Cholton if you don't have it already, so you should understand. I don't have it, but should I write Cholton down? Yeah, you would just have.

You would know Cholton. Do you have a tail? Yeah, I'd have a little nub tail. Okay, well, that checks out for the limb sticking out of your shell. The Scout is babbling. You already knew that, but the Scout is babbling specifically about the force that they encountered it was a their little patrol was five people he is the only survivor the rest of the scouts were picked

off one by one as they tried to flee they were on foot so they were it was not that hard for them to be hunted down which sounds strange at first for zombies and uh i'm dead don't hunt through the translator break bone begins to get information he starts asking questions and the translator starts giving answers and when the answers come through the translator tiffany you hear them as well they were definitely hunted down by undead by zombies regular humanoid zombies by grillion zombies so a grillion is imagine a gorilla with four arms oh no that's a grillion no that's too strong it's too many arms adam uh by grillions moving through the trees too many gorillas and a zombie tyrannosaurus rex no being ridden by a zombie in robes with a blue triangle painted on his forehead when that happens uh when when the scout translates that. Arda Simber goes deathly white,

and his hand reaches out for the nearest person. We'll say maybe you, Tiffany. His hand reaches out, grabs your wrist, and he nearly crushes your wrist. He's tightening it so hard. I put my hand on top of his hand and, like, hold it. Raz Nzi, Ardaacembra whispers. Ah, we didn't need to go to him at all. He came to us. Oh fuck, I'm not ready

for this fight. No, Ardacembra shakes his head. A servant of Raznazi. A high-ranking priest of some sort. So if we take the blue paint off his head, does he lose all his powers? No, it's just a symbol. Riding a T-Rex.

We can still take him down. We can still take him down. The scout, you're not sure how much you believe this, because the scout has that thousand-yard stare and is quite obviously driven to insanity from what happened. But the scout is saying that you are facing a force of hundreds, which would outnumber you ten to one. Maybe just update Vaughn. Vaughn?

Tell him to take out the triangle man first. If you see a man riding a Tyrannosaurus, break its neck. The scout continues to blather about the person riding the Tyrannosaurus Rex, saying that they were smiting the scouts with some sort of unholy fire. But don't die, Vaughn. If you're about to die, come back to me's sister syas's turn to talk she said she says a death lock forging a pact between a warlock and a patron is no minor occasion at least not for the warlock the consequences of breaking that pact can be dire and, in some cases, lethal. A warlock who fails to live up to a bargain with an evil patron runs the risk of rising from the dead as a deathlock, a foul undead driven to serve its otherworldly patron from beyond the grave. An extraordinarily powerful necromancer might also discover the dark methods of creating a

Deathlock and then bind it to service, acting in this respect as the Deathlock's patron. An overpowering urge to serve consumes the mind of a newly wakened Deathlock. All goals and ambitions it had in life that don't please its patron fall away as its master's desires become the purpose that drives the death lock. The creature immediately resumes work on its patron's behalf. Accomplishing a difficult goal might mean the death lock is forced to serve another powerful creature, or might even entail in gathering servants of its own. Whatever the goal, it always reflects the patron's interests, ranging from small-scale concerns to matters of cosmic scope. A deathlock in the thrall of a fiend might work to destroy a specific temple dedicated to a good god, while one that

serves a great old one could be charged with hunting for materials needed to call forth a horrifying entity into the world a death lock does not require air food drink or sleep he's basically a shield guardian but he's on a fucking t-rex whatever this death lock is sister saya says it is undoubtedly bound to razna z's will it has come here presumably as our fort is an affront to rosna z well then that sounds absolutely joyful doesn't it we are maybe 50 less so if you're counting only actual fighters and even less than that if you consider that me and my acolytes will not be able to fight but will need to deal with wounded alone they'll swarm us we need to think smarter then breakbone starts speculating he says everything from sallying out to meet them on the field of battle

to attempting to escape as best as you can. The captains begin arguing among themselves as to the best course of action. Sister Syas is very against an evacuation because that would mean some people could almost definitely get away, but the majority of the camp would be slaughtered in the attempt. Breakbone is kind of entertaining any notion. He's listening to any of his captains. The dwarf Firebeard who comes and goes. Firebeard suggests digging in and just dealing with a siege. But Salhana, the human, she says that it's unlikely there's going to be a siege. The zombies have no reason to live and are being controlled by the mind of a creature hell-bent

on this fort's destruction she doesn't believe there's going to be a siege she thinks that they're just going to swarm the walls and maybe the undead will be such thick in number that they'll start toppling over out being just taller than the wall the old world war z special bill World War Z special. Bill Waddle, the scout, is kind of at a loss. He has no ideas. What do you reckon, Hans? Well, I'm always a big fan of just burning them, but that doesn't seem to be an option now. If they don't need water, if they don't need air,

how much acid can you make? How much acid can I make? much acid can i make i can make eight ounces that's probably not going to do a lot um sister size yes if you kill a death lock do you kill its army no if we kill the death lock the zombies will just kind of revert to their base nature which is hostile to all life so we will have effectively destroyed the brain but a zombie does not need its brain no no do they want you or do they just want the camp uncertain undoubtedly they want to wipe this camp out like the last camp was wiped out if we take out the death lock and the zombies just are hostile, won't they just kill each other?

Zombies will not attack themselves or each other. They're hostile to life, not to the undeath. Of course. Potentially, destroying the death lock would help us because I would imagine the zombies will cleverly attack the fort or at least maybe make an attempt to cleverly attack the fort. If we can kill the Deathlok, we might be able to just deal with the Horde. But no matter what, we're fighting this army.

Righto. Okay. Well, Deathlok first. I think that's important. I reckon that's very important. We might have to take down the T-Rex before the Deathlok. No, take down the Deathlok before the T-Rex. That sounds good.

That sounds pleasant. I love that sound. It's a very good sound. Knights of the Gauntlet. Not Knights of Gauntlet, thank you very much. You sit in a fort made of sticks and dirt, cowering in your own filth. I snuggle into Artemis.

Our army is countless, and as you die, you swell its ranks. Soon, we will fall upon you. you swell its ranks. Soon we will fall upon you and you will be slain. Enjoy

your final moments cowering in the mud. How will our heroes fare in the upcoming siege? Are these their last moments together? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chult. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at SantsPantsRadio, then why not subscribe to SantsPantsPlus.com?

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