D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #22 Enemy at the Gates

Episode Date: December 14, 2019

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Welcome to Season 1, Episode 22 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Infested Chult. Previously. We're doing it for a good cause. It's a great cause. It's the best cause. And so long as no one unnecessarily gets hurt, I don't see any problem in it. No. They just look at me funny, talk to me,

smile weird. I'll just break their nose. A day passes uneventfully, but both of you gain one level of exhaustion from travelling in the weather. Oh, fuck. It's so wet out. I forgot it was raining. I would have told us to wait. Gotcha. Artists, you big fuck.

That's such a good insult because it's just... Like, it means nothing. A particularly thick and nasty swarm of dead heading our way. It happens from time to time. They're like almost a weather event. I look across from Cooper Louie. Did they hear that? I want to talk to Sue the sister about my current

Yeah. You're fairly good at the you know, it's well, you know, whatever it is that you do sister. What's your question? And then people are up and about and yelling. You're not sure exactly what's happening,

because you're up the back end of the camp, where all the tents are. To the north? No, no, no, it's to the east. Oh, yeah, yeah. It would be the southern, sorry, actually the southern end of the camp, where the gate is.

That's where the commotion's coming from. Ah, we didn't need to go to him at all. He came to us. Oh, fuck, I'm not ready for this fight. No, I just remember shakes his head. A servant of Ras Nazeem. Oh, that's not so bad. A high-ranking priest of some sort. If we take the blue paint off his head, does he lose all his powers?

Enjoy your final moments cowering in the mud. In Camp Vengeance, you are soon to come under siege. You hear horns, multiple horns, through the rain. Salhana finally says, we're not sallying out. It's just not happening. What we need are people in the watchtowers. She gestures. Around the camp, there are four watchtowers.

Two set into the northern wall. One set into the western wall. One the southern. And then the big gatehouse makes a fifth wall or makes a fifth watchtower we need people in each of those watchtowers we need people at the front gates and we need soldiers along the northern wall as best as we can in case they begin to scale the walls breakbone nods and begins yelling barking orders and getting soldiers to run about. Salhana

addresses your party. You, uh, turtle man? Pop mandarin. I served in the, uh, swamp wars. Fuck. You can say the werewolf wars. I served in the werewolf wars. What do you want me to do? You're a soldier? Absolutely. You're manning the front gate. Let's fucking go then. Um... You didn't know I was a soldier the werewolf halls. What do you want me to do? You're a soldier? Absolutely. You're manning the front gate.

Let's fucking go then. You didn't know I was a soldier. Now you do. Oh, wow. Every day with you is an adventure. I feel like every time we're about to go into battle, we'll just let our guards down a little bit and just be like, hey, here's a weird part of my past.

The other one's like, what? What? I have five siblings and was raised by a cult. Bye. What? Tiefling, how do I best use you? part of my past the other one's like what what i have five siblings and was raised by a cult bye what what tiefling how do i best use you i can create a small earthquake but hang on how far how close i need to be her name is tiffany sister syas turns and runs towards the healing tents oh my gosh i never oh this is breakbone fuck i should have been ruder. No, combat. Sorry. Oh, it's not Breakbone. You're talking to... Oh, yes, Salhala.

Salhala. Breakbone has gone towards the middle of the camp to direct kind of like everything. Firebeard is up the southern end of the camp. Salhana is here at the eastern end of the camp with Commander Breakbone in the center. Sister Syass is in the healing tents nearby. Then the Bill Wattle is kind of just like moving about however he's needed. How close do I have to be for my scroll of earth tremor to work? Let me chickity-check that.

That's right. We got all those spells. Burning hands, not great. Magic weapon, not great. Earth tremor. Oh, my God. Usable. Can I do a big spike town out the front gate? 10 great. Earth tremor. Oh, my God. Usable. Can I do a big spike town out the front of the gate?

Ten feet. You sure can. Great. I'm going to do that. I have to be ten feet away? Oh, actually, no, you can't because you can't see it. You're behind the gate. You're directly behind the gate.

So you can't see what's on the other side. You need to be able to see it to affect it. Can I peer through the gate and do it? But can't we do it on the left? Actually, no. I would allow that. I would allow that. I was going to suggest getting into a watchtower to cast it. Can I peer through the gate and do it? But can't we do it on the watchtower? I would allow that. I was going to suggest getting into a watchtower to cast it.

He needs to be in front of it. He's being stationed right in front of the gate. Because when they come, they will break the gate door down. And when that happens, we need people right behind it. How long does earth tremor last? Earth tremor? It's instantaneous. So it happens. And then it's done. So it's best to because i know that

after you've done it it becomes difficult terrain so that'll slow them at least it's best to do it while they're on it right well if you do it while they're there they'll take a little bit of damage i think i'll be best near the gate with with pop because i can on the gate or in front of the gate behind the gate i should say sorry just behind if i the gate, I should say. Sorry. Just behind. If I can cast Earth Tremor when they're right there, I can at least take some of them out. If there's no way to stop them coming to us, that'll at least buy us a little bit of time.

You're going to be behind the gate. She addresses both of you. She's addressing like a group, actually, of knights. Who from her party would join us? Can we just assume? Dragon Bait's here. Arta Simra gets sent somewhere else. Quasher and Koopa Louie would be with us too, because they would have refused to go anywhere else.

Koopa Louie's down with you guys. Quasher's on the gate, and so is Flask of Wine. Yeah, ranged attacks. Where did Artis go? Breakbone grabbed Artis Simba and went with him. Yeah, cool. Do I know much about the- I know the undead don't need to sleep but could they if i spelled them into it or do i not know that you know that the undead would be unaffected by this sleep they cannot

be put magically to sleep but i just got better at making people go to sleep salhana addresses the group of you guys that'll be like right behind the gate this gate is the easiest way in and out of the fort it's going to be their first point of contact i don't know if you've ever dealt with a siege before but if we lose this gate house then we are going to be fighting them inside the fort where we cannot stem them where we cannot slow them down and where they have the advantage so long as you keep them here so long as you do not take one step backwards their numbers mean nothing it is their will against ours i'd follow you into battle any day of the week mate she draws her sword take up me hammer

and me sickle for communism you can hear the people on the in the towers and on top of the gate calling out, They're coming! They're coming! And then arrow fire. Can I cast the spikes before they get here to make it unbad terrain out the front? Yeah, yeah, you can do that. I'll do that. So just out the front of the gate? Well, yeah, basically to slow them down as they hit the gate.

Yes, I know what you mean. They're coming! They're coming! And then, And kind of through the rain, you can see flaming arrows being shot out of the fort. There are a multitude of archers stationed, you can kind of see in the center of the fort,

and you can see that Ardus Simber is directing the archers. He looses an arrow and they loose arrows after his. Good on you, Ardus. That is good. You ready for this, Horns? Yeah, I'm ready as I'll ever be. You'll be fine. You can't see it.

You just hear it. As the horde approaches. Through that noise, you hear... Many different types of footsteps. Dinosaurs! Undead dinosaurs! Did he say dinosaurs, plural? Yes.

Oh, no. Vaughn? Can we get Vaughn back over here? No, I gave him the instruction that he only needed to come? Yes. Oh, no. Maybe get Vaughn back over here. No, I gave him the instruction that he only needed to come if he was in trouble, and he had to go for the guy on the dinosaur, which would be, fuck, how many guys are on dinosaurs, Adam? You don't know. You're just hearing yelling. Vaughn, blue triangle on his head, leading it.

The man in charge on the dinosaur. Fuck him up. If you see him, fuck him up. If you get in trouble, come to us. As the footfalls get closer, you hear the thorns tearing apart creatures as they approach. Like I said, you see it's heavily raining. You see shapes through the wooden slats of the fort. You see shapes moving about in the early morning

and at first you think for a brief moment because there's like maybe three four maybe even five seconds where you can hear the thorns tearing at them but nothing has happened to the walls or gates yet for that amount of time you think maybe maybe your vines will actually just your thorns will actually just be enough maybe they're being ground up in front of the gates i could be enough cass and then the gate is hit with a tremendous bout of force one of the soldiers next to you flinches and says the tyrannosaurus and as he takes a step backwards he bumps directly into the chest of lieutenant salhana she shoves him forward and says that's not the tyrannosaurus if it was there would be no gate. The force, whatever it is,

throws itself against the gate again. Vaughn, stop smashing the gate. No, it's not Vaughn. Oh, good. A third time, the wood begins to splinter and break. If there's someone on the other side of the door, can I cast Earth Tremor now?

You need to be able to see. You told actually maybe salhana told you that if it looks like people are going to start falling back to cast it then cast it as like a um to hamper them to give the defenders a chance to rally and push them back out the gate if that happens so don't don't blow your tremor early, mate. If you start losing ground here at the gate, cast it then, and that will be the cry to rally and push them back. But then we'll be walking in it. Yeah, but it'll only cause damage in the first instant. Then it just becomes difficult terrain. Okay.

You can fight on difficult terrain. It's just hard. Yeah. Is this the worst predicament you've ever been in, Horns? Physically, yeah. Frack! A fourth blow hits the gate, and one of the wooden slats, a thin bit of wood that was maybe a branch torn from a larger tree. Snaps off completely. It goes flying end over end. And it's sharpened pointy ends.

Spears itself. Into one of the soldiers. Who collapses screaming. A soldier behind him. No. Salahana directs a soldier behind him. To grab him and drag him backwards. And then she herself.

Fills the spot that he left. Look forward. She yells to everyone in the line. Look forwards. You don't see as that soldier is dragged back, but you do hear him screaming for his mother. All right. Sure, this isn't the worst predicament you've been in at once. I stand by what I said. Through the hole.

Arms. Many arms. You've been in a horse. I stand by what I said. Through the hole, arms, many arms, more arms than should be able to fit through that tiny gap, explode outwards. It's not one single creature. It's the horde. They are on the other side and are throwing themselves against the doors. Another hole is blown into the fort and more arms begin scrounging through

another hole and a zombie's face sticks itself out one of the soldiers nearby drives his spear into the zombie's head twists and pulls back the zombie falls backwards slain as the soldier pulls back you hear him say yes like a like a cry to himself but before he can completely draw his spear back another arm immediately the head leaves the arm immediately comes in grabs the spear and yanks it the man doesn't think to let go of the spear he is dragged until his arm is through the hole and he starts screaming salahala directs several soldiers to grab him and drag him back but try as they might the horde drags that soldier through an arm-sized hole until his entire body is dragged through parts of his armor and parts of his body flesh his head are degloved

from the rest of him but his internal workings don't say degloved adam are dragged through the hole oh gosh you can hear the horde tearing him apart crunch the fifth and final blow against the door breaks it open and the swarm descends upon you you cannot see past zombie it's a wave of them they slam into you and we're gonna go to initiative you ready for this horns Fair enough. We'll be right, though. Tiffany, you would be one rank behind the front line. You're standing, I would say, basically immediately behind Pop.

You don't have, you're not in front, you don't have a melee attack to hit any of the undead. Not yet, at least. Okay. If we don't make us out of this one, Horns, sorry we didn't get to get your dad back. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Now I almost don't care if I die. I mean, I do. I mean, I do. I can't die. I need to get my dad back. But, wow.

I just look at you. My eyes go wider than you've ever seen them. And I don't know how to respond Turn back to the zombies You don't hear me say thank you Probably not Oh boy, this is going to be Meet Grander City, population us One of the zombies stumbles forwards

Having been pushed forwards by its allies such that it stumbles and trips, falling before Salhana. She, drawing a knife out of her belt, drives the knife into the base of the zombie's skull, in the back of its skull. Twisting and jerking, you hear a snapping sound and the zombie's head rolls off its body freely. She drives her sword forwards into the zombies and as she does so, into the mass of zombies, as she does so,

she cries out, move, you want to live forever? I want to learn how to fly. Tiffany, it's your turn. I would like to cast a second level Witch Bolt and just start aiming at the nearest zombie. I'm going to keep this up for, I think it's a minute it can last, and just move from zombie to zombie.

Zombie to zombie. Zombies for free. Zombie to zombie. Zombies for you and me. Zombie to zombie. for you and me zombie to zombie zombies in trees oh no the zombies are in trees

oh that's terrifying like you know zombies can clamber but you don't know they can climb they've built a treehouse zombie to zombie. Zombies have clubs? Zombie to zombie. I got kicked out. Zombie to zombie.

No girls allowed. You fry a zombie. Its head explodes when its brains violently come out of its mouth, nose and eyes. Cop it! One of the zombies falls, a smouldering husk. The zombies descend. Ah, fuck. This is gonna be not very chill.

It's okay. If it gets really bad, I have a fortuitous circumstance right here in my hand. That's super cool, Tom, but did you know what? I can't think of a good luck enough to get us out of this spot. No, but maybe we just won't definitely die. We'll get dragged back to a lair, and then we might die. But we space it out, and that's the fun part. The story is important because it's

got an arc adam what happened when the zombies attacked pop three of them crane into you nearly pushing you backwards you feel one of them as it falls upon you its arms grab one of your arms and twist. You hear your upper arm break. Fuck you. Another one accidentally punches you under the chin, opening up for the third one to sink its teeth into your neck. You take 10 points of damage in total. Oh. That sounded like it would be way worse.

My arm got broken and someone's biting my throat. You need to make a strength-saving throw. You take a step backwards. You are forced one step into the fort. Fuck you. That's really bad. Pop, it's your turn. That's like the one thing she told us not to do.

I know, right? You can attack or you can just shove, hip and shove your way back, making a strength saving throw. Can't do both. Can't do both. You can try to kill your way forward if you want. Can I try and kill my way forward? All right.

First round of combat, you get four attacks. Fuck yes, I do. Not today, you mindless garbage fuck bags. Ooh, that's a bit fun. Every single attack is a hit. Yeah, it is. Hammer and sickle at the zombies. Till they die, till they die again.

I've got a witch bolt to these zombies till they die, till they fry again. You've got to whistle while you work. You absolutely do. You're not singing, you're not having a good time. Ending our campaign with a karaoke montage. A la Shrek. You sickle into one of their heads and then bring your hammer down using the sickle embedded deep into the head to control the zombie's head you give yourself the perfect and optimal position

to crack its fucking skull into its chest the zombie falls and you do the exact same thing to a second zombie cracking two skulls into two chests. You step forwards into the position you've just occupied. You want a piece of pot mandarin? Come and fucking get one. Oh, the zombies swarm the soldiers around you. Salhana is barely able to keep cohesion. The zombies...

Look, the zombies... Who else was here with us? Oh, no one. They're all upstairs. Yeah, up above you are Quash- Oh, Cooper Louie's here, actually. Sorry. And Dragonbait.

Yes. The two strongest silent friends. Secretly my favourite, because they're both very silent. So Quasha and Flask of Wine are above you. Artist Simber is kind of in the middle of the camp. Yeah. I think that's your entire party, yeah. Yeah, and Cooper and Dragon are with us.

Yeah. So, actually... And Vaughn's out there somewhere. Doing his best. Who wants to fight with Cooper Louie? Who wants to fight with Dragon Bait? You have your first pick. They're your favourites.

No, Cass, you pick. Dragon Bait. Nope. I meant the other one. I'll take DB. Hey, Koopa Louie sat on your shoulders. No, Dragon Bait's shoulders. I can't remember.

Koopa Louie is on your shoulders, Tiffany. Yes. I'm with old mate DB. I start calling him DB. I haven't given Dragon Bait a nickname because he already has a pretty sick name. He smiles as the zombies swarm you. has a pretty sick name he smiles as the zombies swarm you he flicks his sword before you and when he does so flames sprout along it engulfing it almost completely as he swings the fire explodes upon the zombie and the zombie is destroyed it's flaming bits hit the ground he swings a second time destroying a second zombie

and as he does so you can see the flames creeping along onto his hands and up his arms every time he swings the fire consumes him a little more that seems problematic but you're a dragon you're a mutifier right dragon bait doesn't seem to care if it if it is hurting him it doesn't seem to be cool yeah it's cool it's a cool thing to do fucking sick i wish i could do that such a good lightsaber it's making my whole body lightsaber salhana chops the head off one zombie shoves its body into a second one the second zombie is pinned up against the fort walls by the beheaded zombie. Salhana lowers her sword and drives it straight through both zombies, killing one zombie through the other one. Cool.

Fuck yeah, she's amazing. She's so cool. I think Bob's in love. Tiffany and Koopa Louie? Oh, you're in the front lines now. Sorry, I forgot to say, the soldiers begin losing ground. And, Tiffany, you are now on the front lines. They're being pushed back into the fort. Well, I suppose it's time for me to bust out my earth tremor.

If you do so... I'll lose my witch bolt. Oh, yes, that as well. But pop will also be in the area of effect. Oh, well, I'm not doing that then. Okay, witch bolt. All right. Oh, well, I'm not doing that then. Okay, which bolt? All right. Oh, no, you need to change targets.

You successfully do so. Dealing 22 points of damage to another zombie. Plant boy, do a murder. Plant boy, do a murder. You fry another zombie from its waist upwards it explodes as every part of its internal organ network is ruptured at once by your lightning the creature when it explodes you can see that lightning bounces off it and strikes another zombie and then another and another you pop four in this fashion oh my goodness fuck yes i i've started envision well these zombies right

now are preventing me from getting my job done to help dad so i am fuming every single i i like to believe that it is my own anger and determination that is making these zombies die. It is. It's your self-belief. Turn to Koopa Louie, like, tilt my head a bit and just go, kill. Koopa Louie hops off your chest. You assume that means yes. Actually, the rough translation is, Okie dokie, missus.

Okie dokie. Cooper Louie gets to work and does what he does best. Slaughter. Cooper Louie, as he leaps off you, Tiffany, he lands spear first in the dirt in front of you. Instead of sliding down the spear and touching the dirt, he uses that almost like a pole vault, springing off it,

slamming a zombie with both of his feet, kicking back into it. The zombie stumbles backwards and he lands where the zombie was. He is now a step forward in line with Pop. That's his turn, though. Bless him. It's the zombie's turn.

Have we seen any dinosaurs or gorillas? You haven turn, though. Bless him. It's the zombie's turn. Have we seen any dinosaurs or gorillas? You haven't, no. You're in the middle of... You're on the front lines of a battle. There's, like, nothing to see here other than the man in front of you or the zombie in front of you. Nothing to see here.

Nothing to see here. Move on. Nothing to see here. Move right along. There's nothing to see here, okay? You forget about it. Push it back. There's nothing to see here, okay? You forget about it. Push it back. There's nothing to see here.

You came here for the sights. You came for the wrong reasons. Came for the sights, stayed for the fights, eh? As one of the zombies stumbles towards you, you can see that its form is off, not that a zombie really has a form. And as it tries to lumber into you to attack you with its mouth open and black Icarus blood falling out of its throat onto its chest, you reach behind you to a table that was just here that like maybe a deck of cards was on. You grab a metal tankard and you shove the metal tankard into the zombie's mouth it stumbles backwards and it will not be able to attack you until it can wrestle that tankard out of its mouth drink up motherfucker oh so cool another zombie grabs your arm and bites it you take five points of damage son of a bitch then tiffany you're swarmed

one of the zombies grabs one arm and sinks its teeth into your shoulder another zombie grabs your other arm and sinks teeth into your other shoulder and while both of your arms are wrenched down being held by the zombies a third one stumbles towards you its arms outstretched you look in horror as you can do nothing the zombie grabs you and bites down into your cheek tearing at your jaw it tears a chunk out of your jaw. You take 14 points of damage in total. Good cheek or bad cheek? Yeah. Good cheek. Oh.

I want myself to look like a zombie. They don't attack their eye. Oh, my God. The zombies are doing very well. Pop and dragon bait. Adam. It's time to keep killing fucking zombies. Only three attacks this time.

Yeah, that's all right. Have I been pushed back at all? Can I try to make more ground forward? Oh, wait. Yes, that's right. Yep, the zombies push you back two steps. You're ten feet into the fort. The zombies are slowly swarming around you.

You are now behind Tiffany, and Cooper Louie is still up the front. He is now the tip of your spear. I'd like to fight my way back forward again. All right. And Dragonblade to do the same. Let's go, DB. You're swinging. You keep swinging until your arms get tired and you've killed a swarm of undead.

They're lying on the ground in front of you. But every time you kill one, two take its place. And then when you kill one, three take its place. And then when you kill one, three take its place. And eventually you realize you can't kill them fast enough. They're coming at you faster than you can kill them. Dragon bait is the only thing keeping the horde from swarming you completely. Dragon bait is barely keeping up with them as well. But you two are like a hot knife through butter. It's just unfortunately that the butter keeps coming.

Yeah, yeah. It's everlasting butter. It's almost like a magical jug of butter. I can't make butter. You cannot see the end of this. You just look out into the heavy rain and you see just zombies endlessly. You cannot tell how long you will be fighting. Both of you take an extra level of exhaustion for extraining yourself in the weather.

My God. So three levels of exhaustion. Yes. And two for Pop. So at two levels of exhaustion, your speed is half and you have disadvantage on ability checks. Teefinny, disadvantage on ability checks. Speed is half and you have disadvantage on attack rolls and saving throws. I also forget I've got the lucky feet, so I can ask for things to be re-roll. Yes. This is something

I'm saying out loud to remember because, jeez Louise. Have you always had that? Yep. And you've never used it? Yep. And you've died, like, once? Mm-hmm. Hello hello i can't talk i have a thing that means i don't take damage and i died good you can see the soldiers around you are beginning to get fatigued even lieutenant salhana you can see fatigue on her face as well but but but but the zombies are quite obviously unaffected. They do not seem tired. And every time you fight one, it feels like it's coming at you fresh.

And you are only getting more tired. Good. Good. This is going to be a good fight. I'm going to take the soulmonger out from the inside once I'm dead inside it. Hey. Hey. There's an angle.

Salhana reaches up with her hand and dangling from it you can see a holy symbol it's a a circle and directly in the center of the circle

are two crosses one large and one small you don't recognize the holy symbol but it flashes with light and the zombies

recoil when that happens rally she yells rally the soldiers push the zombies recoil when that happens. Rally! She yells. Rally! The soldiers push the zombies back a step. We got this.

Just get them back out the door. Tiffany and Cooper Louie, you are now once again in line with the fight. Did they break my witch bolt? Oh, you need to make a saving throw. Con saving throw. And it's a disadvantage. Yeah, your witch bolt is broken. Well, what if I was a bit lucky and got to re-roll the saving throw?

Your witch bolt is not broken. How often can you do that? Thrice a day. I know. I know. I know. So, if I were to react to it, it would be... I can't...

I'm too stressed to do that right now. That's fine, yeah, yeah. I'm taking this as something that I can use, and I can't be frustrated because, again, I can't process that much at the moment. That's okay. It's very funny, though. Oh, it's very funny.

We've both done this multiple times. Yeah, we're both dumb fucks. Oh, my God. Big fucks, both of us. We came from the big fuck factory. They were like two for one special on big fucks. Oh, my God. Big fucks, both of us. We came from the big fuck factory. They were like two for one special on big fucks. And now a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&D is fun,

but if you're wishing that you could hear questions that no one ever thought to ask about pop culture you only kind of know, then do I have news for you. Plumbing the Death Star is a show by Zamet, Doucher, and Jackson, where they, as my dad calls it, make a living while being a drain on society, like you, Adam. So if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad doesn't believe in entertainment,

then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Plumbing the Death Star. So my witch bolt continues. I continue to bolt witches through these boys. You destroy three more zombies as your witch bolt is powerful enough to chain directly through them. You can see their skeleton, skeletal structure inside as they are electrocuted.

Almost cartoon-esque. And then when you keep moving your witch bolt, their corpses, their properly now dead corpses collapse, forming more of a pile that has been slowly collecting around the gate. You would think it is becoming difficult for the zombies to get at you, but they're finding a way it's like a faucet that's been opened there are enough bodies that the undead now need to climb over their own fallen brethren to get at you that slow them down a little bit you'd think so i'd be wrong though wouldn't i adam yes it actually it feels like it's only made it worse you know how when you increase the pressure on a hose it comes out

harder? Yeah. That's what's happening. And you want Koopa Louie to keep fighting? Yeah. He could just keep pushing forward because you're not at the gate yet. Oh yeah. Would you like him to just use his turn to hip and shoulder his way forward? Push through Koopa Louie.

Koopa Louie does so. As he gets to the gate, he reaches up, plants both of his hands above the gate doorway, and vines from his hand interweave with the wood of the gate. He's great. And then he kicks into the gap that the zombies still have and shoves a zombie back outside the fort. Koopa Louie is at the gate door and he is stopping them from getting in. They're getting in around him, but where he is, they cannot pass. Oh, my God.

Fuck, I love that little plant. We'd be so dead without all of our friends. Correct. Is this the lesson from Dungeons and Dragons? No. Yeah, that's friends. Correct. Is this the lesson from Dungeons and Dragons? No. Yeah, that's right. Okay. Two zombies charge at you, Tiffany,

but as they do so, you see, well, firstly, Salhana just cuts one of them down as it passes her and its torso lands at your feet. The other one, when it gets to you, you bring up an arm and its hands wrap around your arm and it starts snapping at you. You have an amazing chomp sound. Yeah. Thank you.

I've never heard someone do that that well. No, it hurt my teeth to watch. Pop, the tide is beginning to slow down. Their numbers are beginning to work against them because they're clogging up the hole. It feels like, look, you've still got to kill them. There's still so many of them. But there's only physically so much space. So much space they can take up.

This is good. So Hana was right. As one of them approaches you, you bring up... Do you use a shield? I forget. I have a hammer and a sickle. You sickle into its leg and drag back towards you, flooring it. And the other one, when it reaches out to grab you, you hammer into its head, spinning its head around on its neck until it's facing backward.

And I kick it in the dick and it falls over. Pop and Dragonbait, what would you like to do? Dragonbait, I've got an idea. You keep fighting. I ask my alchemy jug to produce oil and that is my turn. Dragonbait continues to cut them down. It's evenly matched. It's come to a standstill.

The soldiers are not making any progress, but they are still slogging their way through the zombies. But you still have no obvious ending in sight. Tiffany. I would like to continue witch bolting through everyone. Because this is working really, really well. And I don't want to stop this good thing. There are much more interesting things I could do, but I don't want to die. You deal 15 points of damage.

You only kill one. Aww. You're not as angry, but you really kill him. Yeah, I got hopeful. I'm like, I'll make it out of this. Your witch bolt lands in the wet muck and mud at the base of one of the zombies. The zombie is actually prone, crawling its way to you with one of its legs completely torn away as you electrify the water the zombie begins to jerk

and shudder and shake and then slowly as you smell burning rotten flesh you can tell that you've done enough damage and you keep moving with your lightning. And Koopa Louie, what do you want him to do? Oh, keep holding the fort. Tiffany, you feel an awful biting sensation and you look down to see one of the zombies has wrapped itself around your leg and has sunken its teeth into your knee. You feel it twisting and turning and shaking on your leg and has sunken its teeth into your knee. You feel it

twisting and turning and shaking on your leg. Uh-uh. No, Adam. Don't do it. Sounds pretty bad. I thought you were gonna have it rip off her kneecap and run away. That I'm reserving for you.

My legs are both already fucked up. Well, no, one of them is. Pop, you see two zombies barreling towards you, but you break one of their arms and sever the other one. Not sever, sorry. You cut the other one's face in half. Get back, you fucks. That was so horrific, it turned into a tugboat.

What are you? I'm a terrified tugboat. Pop and dragon bait. Adam, having summoned some oil into my hulkamy jug, I would now like to uncork it and stride forward and just, like, spray oil over the zombies and direct dragon bait to use his fire sword to light the fuckers up.

You throw oil all over the zombies. You cover everything liberally in oil. Then you look at Dragonbait and- Light him up, DB. Dragonbait looks at you with fear in his eyes. He touches the sword to the oil and nothing catches. You do not think that is how the magic works. All right, then.

That's your turn. That's all right. Salhana steps in between you and Dragonbait Pop. You see she reaches into her bag for like a side satchel for something and produces a pipe. She puts the pipe in her mouth lights oh yes and then flicks the long match end over end into the oil you've spilt everywhere through the pipe she says burn adam deep inside pops hardened chest, his heart beats fast. The zombies go up in flames.

You've beaten them back, for now, at least. There's an awful, awful fire burning, rippling its way across the zombie corpses and some soldier corpses. That's right, burn the dead so they don't come back and kill you again. A shaky hand reaches out from the flames and you hear the cry, the moan of a zombie, before the hand slumps down. Behind the mass of burning bodies, you can see shifting. There are further zombies behind the burning mass that are pushing it over. But they're making slow work. You hear screams

from further in the fort and more war horns crying out. The screams echo rolling towards you, crying out reinforcements! They've breached the walls!

Salahana turns to you, Tiffany, and to you, Pop, and says, go! Let's do this. Can we heal wounds on the fly while we're running? Yeah, you can. Heal wounds on myself, heal wounds on you. Thank you. First level or second level? No, I want to save

a big old spike. So I'll do a... What am I on, Adam? You're on 77 out of 92. Cool. I do first level on me, second level on Tiffany, and hold one second level to do some more spike growth later. I've also got a big tank in the woods. Speak of the devil.

What the fuck's he up to? The fact that he's not here is good. No, not alarming. I'm feeling confident because I'm feeling that he was only going to come here if he got in trouble. We picked up four healing potions. We did. Wasted my spells. Well, what we can do now, though, is...

How are you still? We can have a healing potion each. Tiffany is on 52 out of 56 and Pop is out at 81 out of 92. Not worth it yet. Next time we nearly die. Next time we nearly die. Next time, next time we nearly die. I might just pass two over to you. Yeah, great, done.

I've got two healing potions. I'm going to write them down. Oh boy, what a fun game this is. As you tromp through the camp, you pass artist Simba still directing archers. A few zombies are through the camp, you pass Arda Simber still directing archers. A few zombies are among the camp. You're not sure how they've managed to get in, but they are in.

And as they wander about, some of them engage the archers. Arda Simber is trying to keep things calm here. But if you want, you could stop on your way to help him out. We should. Did Cooper Louie and Dragon Bait stay at the gate? They're still at the gate. They're still at the gate. We should help Simple out.

I do because it's shocking that you'd ever suggest that, so we must really need to help him. Don't lie to zombies. This is a war. I'm good at that sometimes. Shut up. Okay. I just keep nodding, looking increasingly more bewildered.

Like, just the fact that you've gone into a soldier mode and I didn't even know you did that. Just wait until there's an occasion where we have to eat a fancy dinner. Oh, my God. I can't wait. Tiffany, one of these zombies grabs an archer by the arm and then by the hair on the back of his head and pulls. As he pulls, you see that he snaps the archer's head backwards and the archer's spine pokes out through the hole that the zombie snapped. The zombie twists and wrenches until he brings the head off and then he drops the archer's body to the ground.

A volley of arrows directed by artist simber turn the zombie into a pin cushion it takes a step backwards and for a moment you feel maybe a little bit of excitement a zombie cannot stand a withering assault like that no zombie no regular zombie could but when the zombie turns around and slams into another archer sending him flying 20 feet away you realize this is no regular zombie something has supercharged this one you are first which bolt that zombie all right this is a new casting just letting you know i'll do it at second level okay hang on that's your at second level. Okay. Hang on. That's your last second level. When I was

attacking the zombies with my second level spell, did it feel like it was very easy to kill the zombies and maybe I could just go a bit lighter? No, it didn't. Then I will keep on my second level spell. Okay. Damn, my jugs. I can't do that trick again. That's good. I have to wait until...

Would you like to use a luck point? I would love to use a luck point Oh you only did worse Can I use another luck point? You can only use one luck point a round But you can get advantage On a skill or attack roll Adam? You still miss

Oh my god You rolled a 7 Rerolled and got a 4 Got advantage and rolled a five you should be rolling at disadvantage by the way i just remembered because you're exhausted yep you just miss it's its turn it turns around and lumbers towards you tiffany just being the closest person artist simba tries as the zombie lumbers towards you artisan but plugs a few arrows into it and then screams at the zombie trying to get its attention but there's something intelligent something

directing the zombie and it goes for the nearest softest and smartest target to attack well one of One of those was at least a compliment. Softest? You take seven points of regular damage and five points of necrotic damage. That sounds bad, Adam. That sounds super no bueno. And when it tears a chunk out of your arm, you can see that where its bite was, black mold begins to spread through your flesh. There is something evil and sinister, well, about all undead. But it seems to have concentrated itself in this zombie. Okay. So black mold just being around a person will make it die. In...

You're fine. My turn? Yes. Because it's the start of a new fight, do I get four attacks to get it to start? I'd allow that, yeah. Great. Let's fucking go then. You also move at your regular speed.

I know, right? It's the best. But only at the start of every turn. Oh, God. Oh, Pop. You're so injured. I am. All right, you hit all four times oi ugly get a load of me you deal 26 points of damage you bring your sickle down into its arm twisting and turning its arm

digging into the flesh twisting and turning and directing its arm away you bring your hammer down onto the arm breaking it then you use your hammer as leverage and drag with your sickle slicing down its forearm then you use your sickle again for leverage and bring your hammer down a final time breaking its arm off you look at the zombie with a smile on your face. That would have destroyed any zombie you've ever fought. But this one looks at you dead in the eyes and you see intelligence there. It is not down. Clever girl. Does the spark of intelligence that we've seen,

or I guess that Tiffany's seen, does that suggest to Tiffany that perhaps it might need sleep? No, it would still be immune. All undead are immune to sleep. What about getting sick? You can't even do the empowered sleep anymore. You're out of second level spells. Yeah, but I could at least make it have a nap.

You know that if it tries to attack you again, you can set it on fire. Hellish rebuke. You know that if it tries to attack you again, you can set it on fire. Hellish Rebuke. We're so good at knowing all the nuances of how we can hurt others. We're so used to hurting each other. Ourselves, you mean. Artist Simbra plugs two arrows into its back, dealing 14 points of damage.

Then it is Tiffany's turn. It did just attack me, yeah? Yeah. So I can do Hellish Rebuke. You do that on its turn when it hits you. Allow it. It's fine. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

It's okay. It fails, so you do 2d10 points of damage. But, yeah, you need to declare that when you get hit. A wreath of flames descends upon the zombie smiting it for 10 points of damage when the fire is clear the zombie is still standing it's your turn tiffany i planned this all along i charge my rapier with green flame blade and give him a bit of the old shanky panky. Shanky. Oh, the shanky panky.

Are you boys getting up to shanky panky him now? Oh, my God. That should be how Aquan is. All time radio voice. Yes, it is I, Pop Mandarin. You take your green flame out, you put it on the blade, You put your green flame in and you move it all about. You do the shanky panky and you turn his head around. You do the smoky pokey because it's fire.

Oh, the smoky pokey. Oh, the smoky pokey. Oh, the smoky pokey. Can't put this fire out. The Smokey Pokey. Oh, the Smokey Pokey. Can't put this fire out. You turn your green flame on. You turn Achi Rapier out. You put your green blade in.

You shake it all about. You do the Smokey Pokey. You turn his head around. Can't put your green flame out. Whoa, the Smokey Pokey. Can't put your green flame out Whoa The smokey pokey Adam you love our songs You deal 5 points of piercing damage From the rapier Further flames engulf the zombie

Dealing another 8 points of damage And you do an extra 13 points of damage For your sneak attack bonus In total 21 points of damage Cause it was looking at me. Yeah. Or when you're fighting next to an ally. Yeah.

Oh, yes. Sneak attack. The zombie is still not going down. Its corpse is being torn apart and riddled, but it does not care. Go for the fucking head. It's its turn. I wink with my good side. I can't wink with one side.

Oh, no. I wink at you and see in your eyes a moment of, I can't do that, and feel a bit bad. And then I wink with the other eye, and blood oozes from all my face wounds. The zombie grabs your arm, Pop, and twists. You hear it dislocating your arm and then biting your forearm fuck you you take five points of regular damage and two points of necrotic

then it's second attack item that that card you're in your hand that's a uh that's a card isn't it that's a critical hit as in, I'm critical of this hit, therefore it won't work. It's critical that I succeed. Oh, no. Cheese and whiskers. Cheese and whiskers. I do love the old critical hit.

It's like, with its axe, nope. With its gun, nope. With its karate chop action. Your supple, weak, unshelled body, nope, that doesn't work. Something slipped. Triple damage and your AC is reduced by a D6 for a D6 round. That something that slipped is probably an artery. Adam.

When it shreds an artery and you begin internally bleeding into your shell, 18 points of regular damage. 27 points of necrotic. Do I see that happen and how bad it is? Yes. Chug!

Your armor is reduced by 4 for 4 rounds. This ain't good. Did he hear me yell chug? Pop, it's your turn. I chug, Adam. Oh, actually, Lesser Restoration does not restore health. I feel like the mould's bad.

Actually, you know what? I'm not going to chug. And I'm not going to Lesser Restoration. Yeah. I'm going to, for one round, so from my turn to my turn again. Yeah. That's one whole round. I'm going to activate my gift of protection scales.

And I'm going to go for this fucker's head. Oh, my God. Finally, we're remembering all the skills we have. I feel like Neo in the Matrix. I feel like Morpheus watching Neo in the Matrix watching us remember our abilities. Oh, yes, he's learning now. Slowly, a golden light begins to appear around Pop, around his edges, bathing him in energy. Sparkle, sparkle, motherfucker. Pop, you feel your skin harden, even over your wounds.

It's like iron or a metal. As the zombie brings its mighty fist to try and slam you in the side of your head, it breaks its hand on your cheek. You feel not even pressure from the blow. It's as if you're watching it happen in someone else's body. Hmm. You swing down with your sickle, slowly beating this creature down, downwards into the dirt. It takes seven points of damage.

I want to get its head off at it. That's what I want to do. You're trying, but you just can't get a good enough blow just yet. But I'm invincible, so it's okay. Oh my God, it's like Mario. I'm going to do this for the rest of the round. Artist Simbra plugs it three more times, dealing 22 points of damage.

Tiffany, it's your turn. I would like to, once again, plug this creature with my green flame blade and do the smokey pokey. Tiffany, you stab into the creature's back with your rapier. And as you do that, it twists its torso. Doing more damage to itself. Your wrist shatters and you let go of the rapier. You know when you said this was a meat grinder, Adam? Yep.

You really grinded our meats. Oh, man, you grinded my meats. My meats, they be ground. Will Pop's blessing be enough to save Camp Vengeance from the dead clawing at its walls? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chot. support this show and all the other shows we do here at sans pants radio then why not subscribe to sanspantsplus.com for as little as five dollars a month you can have access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and content once again that's sanspantsplus.com hey there fellow adventurer if you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content, we have just what you need to scratch that itch. D&D is for Nerds+, the symbol, not the word,

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