D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #3 Negotiation

Episode Date: August 3, 2019

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Sans Pants Radio. So no one told you life was going to be this way. Oi, you handsome dickheads. I'm here to let you know that we're running a three-part D&D campaign over on Twitch this August. It'll feature all your favourites, Cass, and then myself, Jackson, Adam, and Joel Dusha from our sister show, Plumbing the Death Star,

will also be there. Come see us fumble our way through Adam's carefully crafted story as we refuse to acknowledge any plot hooks or interesting NPCs in need of help. Part 1 starts August 11th for us, but August 10th for the rest of the world. To find out the exact times and dates, head on over to our Twitter, at D&D is for Nerds, or at Sandspans Radio for more information. Hello and welcome to Season 1, Episode 3 of Zombie Plague Chult. Previously.

Is she going to bed? Probably not. The sun hasn't set yet, but it is like late afternoon, but the sun hasn't set yet. Well, so have a lovely rest. Lady Ware, she has endeared herself to me. I, uh, I am very sympathetic to her cause, and anyone

who might help her with her cause. And also just, look, the, uh, the soulmonger is, uh, bad for business. Makes many mentions of a travelling companion, a shield guardian named Vaughn. Let me show you what a shield guardian is.

They're big constructs. All right, horns. You've clearly got some things on your mind. Let's do this, okay? You get three yes or no only questions. The answers can only be yes or no. I will answer any of them truthfully, and then we move on and we never do this again.

At the front, sure enough, there's a big old message board where prospective people looking for work or offering work have posted notices. You can start sifting through it if you want. Can we see any that have cool-sounding names? River Mist and Flask of Wine. Oh, those are tabaxi. Yes. We put our budget together.

Yep. We're going to D&D. We build a budget. Yay! Yay. We've got to make sure that all this looting is lucrative you finally decided which guides you'd like to hire and now you only need to send them your counter offers okay so let's write so we will write those messages like negotiating our terms offering each of them three gold pieces each group three gold pieces a day and stating our terms.

For the cat dickheads, we will say that we will be fighting undead. But there is also a high percentage of good treasure. Yeah. Which we are more than willing to share. We will share treasure. Not all of it. Yeah. We'll say- You should probably add an amendment like Vaughn is not included in this.

Yeah. We'll say, okay, we'll write them. Look, I'm predicting what I want to do with the tabaxi. So probably add an amendment that says that Vaughn is not part of the treasure. Okay, here's the letter. I just recommend that we split him down the middle. We take bottom, half of you take top. What's that fable from the Bible?

Solomon David and Goliath We are David, they shoot us in the eye And take the whole thing Okay, here's a letter To River Mist and Flask of Wine We wish to buy your services in the jungle We are setting out to fetch a

what's it called a golem the thing we're sorry shield shield guardian we're setting out to find a shield guardian and its amulet and we request your assistance please i know the whole that's we request the assistance put out the terms and then i just write at the bottom ps the shield golem and the amulet are not treasure. They're your goal. Yes. You're hiring them to help. I write intimidatingly.

It looks spooky. Look, at disadvantage, but I'll give you an intimidation check for that. Oh, yes! Ooh. Is that a skill check? Yeah, it's a skill check. How'd I go on it?

Not well, if you have something to boost yourself. Is that reroll or add a D6? Add a D8 after making a skill or attack roll. All right, yeah, you do a pretty convincing job, actually. Change that 12 to a 20. Fuck yeah. Oh, wow. Hey, you seem very threatening. Yesanged that 12 to a 20. Fuck yeah. Oh, wow. Hey, you seem very threatening.

Yes, this is what I want. You tap into the one fear that all Tabaxi share, the fear of their tail. All Tabaxi secretly fear the removal of their tail on a deep primal level. I have a sickle. I could... I'm also... I mentioned a snapping tortoise up level. I have a sickle. I could... I'm also...

I mentioned a snapping tortoise up top. That's not a beak. That's right, you do. I'm a beak tail. It's good. I'll be able to bond with them because I've also got a tail. Mine's prehensile. Theirs isn't.

I won't be rude about it. And we write the same letter to the other guys. Yep. We offer them three gold per day, but we promise to kill all the undead because that's also what we want to do. We outline our goal. For the tabaxi, river mist, and flask of wine, you're sending

a messenger out, which will cost you two gold. Oh, gosh. Okay. That's just the messenger's fees. To deliver a message saying that you are offering them three gold a day? Yep. And then a share of the treasure, excluding Vaughn. Okay, and not necessarily a share of the treasure.

Oh, sorry. Wait, wait. Could we not offer them any gold? Pass me the thing. Yeah, we can offer them no gold. Yeah, if you just offer them a share of the treasure, they're like, that's good. Then let's do that and get these guys down to three gold, and they're only paying three gold a day for four people. Okay, cool. Let's do that. All right, cool. Well, you're paying a lot only paying three gold a day for four people. Okay, cool. Let's do that.

All right, cool. Well, you're paying a lot more because they're getting share of the treasure, but all right. Yeah. That means they get, because they want equal share of the treasure, we'd have to split it with them, and there are two of them. If we do three a day and say that there will be- It'd be half and half.

So you'd be splitting treasure four ways. Yep. So if we offer splitting treasure four ways. Yep. So if we offer them three gold or even two gold and say they can have some treasure but not an equal share. Not an equal share. Could we do that? How unequal a share? What do you say? Like, I don't know.

Sometimes we might just keep the treasure, but they're getting paid still. If the opportunity for them to have treasure presents itself, we will give them treasure. We get first dibs on all treasure though yep first all right so three gold a day for them yep and for the other one it's three gold a day as well well there's four there's five but you can negotiate they said they're open to negotiation if we promise to kill any undead we come across all right so you're dropping them down to three three so paying six gold a day for all of our...

I didn't realize that we'd be giving up a fuckload of treasure. Yeah, it's a lot of treasure. Just in case we need it. I don't personally want to be your mate. So it doesn't cost you anything to leave a message for Kualasha and Kupalui. You just pin their notice back on the board or whatever with a little note, your note underneath saying that you're hiring them and maybe your terms where you can meet and talk and such.

A bit of intimidation in there as well, just because that's what I like to do. You'll probably be speaking to them maybe tomorrow. You imagine you'll be speaking with them very soon. River Mist and Flask of Wine, it's just when they get back to Port Nye and Zaru. Cool. Oh, we should have asked them how long they think the journey will take. No, no, no. Well, you can discuss that with them when you're in person.

That's true, because we need to work out how much money we need to bring. I've got navigator's tools. Would they help me gauge how long it might take to travel? You've got, sorry? Navigator's tools. Ah, it's for sea, isn't it? Yeah, fuck you, Adam. I had a choice between map tools, land tools or sea tools and I picked the land tools.

Like a fool. Oh, like a big dumb fucking turtle. So you retire back at Wakanga's place? Yes. All right. We've had a big day. We've done a lot of good things today. Are you just talking to me as we're going to bed?

Yeah. Cool. I'm just going to go into my shell mid-conversation. You guys are given your own room. Good night. That's what I meant. Good night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You started talking to me. I'm in my shell. I just stop when I realize what's happening and I am silent the rest of the night. Even better, are the lights out in the room? Yeah. So she can't see me at all. Where did you go? I just don't give a...

I'm in the shell, I'm asleep. Hello? This is... This is really scary. Are you playing a trick? Hello? Did you leave me? Did you leave me?

It's gonna be so fun. Every time. Oh my god Every time it's night Question Did Tabaxi use dark vision to see at night? Yeah Fuckers

Yeah she can just You can just not use your dark vision But then I guess it's dark Yeah it's dark You could light a candle and just see that I'm still in a room You could make a perception check And in dim lights Yeah I'll do a perception check

Yeah in like the dim off light filtering through the window you can make out the shadow or the outline of the shell oh oh you're there you're just not talking to me okay um like i guess i'll talk to you tomorrow then. Good night. Thank you for coming with me. You sleep. But I don't dream. You don't dream? No, you do. That was spoken like you had some kind of curse that you could not dream.

No. Well, maybe I have a bad one. I don't know. I'm not in a good way. Maybe I dream of Dad. I dream I'm very, very far away from here. That's it. That's my whole dream.

You're just standing somewhere in a desert, hands on your hips. Like, yes. Someone hands you a map of the world. It's like, so we're over here in New City. You're like, hmm. Halfway through the map, because otherwise it would come full circle. Yeah, yeah. About here. halfway through the map because otherwise it would come full circle. About here.

And then, wherever it turns me, the map just dies spontaneously and I'm like, even fucking better. And then you sit down in the sand, cross your arms over and you wait for the sun to kill you. Living in the fucking dream. This is it.

You yell at the sun, dry me out. I fucking got your measure, you shiny bitch. Can I question? What race is Kawashu? Is he just a man? Because if he uses dark vision, I'm going to have so much fucking fun at night time. Let me quickly check. I think he's just a guy.

Kawashu is, yeah, he's just Chaltean. He's a human. Let it be known that Kapalui looks like Mr. Oogie Boogie. Who's Mr. Oogie Boogie? Nightmare Before Christmas.

He also looks like Abe from Abe's Odyssey. I don't know what that one is. The Sack Man. You should that one is The Sack Man You should have just said The Sack Man From The Night Before Christmas He's got a fucking name I've never seen The Night Before Christmas Actually maybe I have seen The Night Before Christmas

But how old is that movie? What year did it come out? Oh, very? Well, I must have seen it in the year very then That's Abe from Abe's Odyssey Oh yeah, Abe from Abe's Odyssey He does too look like it Looks exactly like Abe from Abe's Odyssey

Okay, if Oogie Boogie and Abe from Abe's Odyssey had a baby yeah. Abe from Abe's Odyssey. He does too look like it. Looks exactly like Abe from Abe's Odyssey. Okay. If Oogie Boogie and Abe from Abe's Odyssey had a baby, they did. It's Kapoolooey. Kapoolooey. Koopalooey.

Koopalooey. Yeah, I'm going to get his name wrong on purpose. Maybe that's how he talks. Koopalooey. Oh, fuck no. He better not. Koopalooey.

Oh, no. I'm going to break his neck so fast. It's something from Mario. Wahoo. Sorry. Sorry, Mella. Should we talk to Lady Where before we hear back from these guys? Well, I was about to break his neck so fast. There's something for Mario. Wahoo! Sorry. Sorry, Mella. Mella, come to the house.

Should we talk to Lady Ware before we hear back from these guys? Well, I was about to say, you guys wake up and you come down for breakfast and Okunga and Lady Ware are at the breakfast table already having a chat. Good morning. Your ladyship. She nods cordially to you and gestures to some chairs. I don't like chairs. How did you guys sleep?

Very well, thank you. Excellent. I take a seat. There's a breakfast of fruits has been laid out. It looks like a multi-course breakfast. Oh, wow. This is so opulent. I ate fruit like turtles eat fruit, which is...

Can't help it, it's who I am. That's usually the thing people say when they've got a bad trait they don't want to fix, but that's just literally part of your body. I have a turtle mouth. It means I eat like a turtle. Turtle mouth sounds like a condition, though. He's got turtle mouth Oh no

When you put a finger in it snaps shut And he cuts your fingers off That is just a bad habit I have You don't want to change That's who I am You don't like it leave Leave but keep your fingers Over breakfast

Do you tell Lady Ware about what you did last night? Yeah. Yeah. I got into my shell and then Tiffany cried. I heard Tiffany sobbing and I decided, I don't say this. You decided that that problem would fix itself. Do you ask what happened last night? Or have you just pieced it together?

I think Tiffany's pretty used to this treatment. She's not perplexed by the fact that I can just disappear. The disappearing was... Oh, that might be it. Did you? Hang on, sorry. Infernal, so we're not rude. Hey!

Yeah, what? I think this would be rude, actually. I would consider someone else just suddenly talking another language so I couldn't understand them at the table rude. Yeah, it would probably be something... We wouldn't discuss it at the table. I should have brought it up on the way down to breakfast. Too late now.

Yeah, that's too late now. Retrospectively doesn't exist. Yeah, so sad that nothing can ever happen in the past. Okay. Otherwise your dad would still be here. Oh, sick burn. Cass looks like you actually hit her. I feel bad.

But I'm going to ride it out. Was this in character that you said these things? Because Cass seemed to react in character, or genuinely this hurts her. It's everything. genuinely this hurts her it's it's every everything hey lady why don't we talk about what we did yesterday yes lady where so we found out that we can hire guides to help us i think was she here when we're talking about this we can hire guides and they can help us and we've discovered a very efficient and economically viable way

to have four people help us as opposed to one. But we would like some help with the funding. In fact, we would anticipate you would help us for the funding considering that we are only on this quest because of you. Oh, I'm not polite. Sorry. So what we've managed to do is usually the fee for a guide is five gold a day with about 30 days up front. We've managed to send out notice and what our aim is is to get four guides for six gold with nothing up front.

So we think we've done pretty well. Hopefully they all say yes, you know, but we're wondering if you'd be able to help us help you. Much of my money has already been tied up in ventures here in Chult. I have little gold to spare. Hang on, hang on, hang on. How much do you pay? Am I being paid after I destroy the soulmonger? Gold has been left aside for you,

but would you like me to take out of that money to pay you now no i thought so i'm just gonna go munch some watermelon i have a lot of gold but i don't have a lot of spending money right now but what i can give you i certainly will rich boy could give you a line cough oh it's got a bit of warm melt stuck me throat. You actually say that? No. Fuck. How disastrous would that have been? You don't know. It depends how Wakanga reacts to that. He seems quite jovial, but...

He would have enjoyed that. But he also could be the sort of person where when you say something like that, he's like, ah, good, off with his head. Like, you don't know, maybe. Can I say, if he did that, I would put my head in my shell and be like, oh, it's gone already. Bring it out. Bring the head to me, not with the shell.

But that certainly, actually, you, I think we discussed this last time, but you do know a little bit about Wakonga, and that does not seem like his, the rumors, certainly, that you've heard about him. Wakonga seems like a generally nice person. Well, then, instead of doing a cough-cough, I'll be like, all right, well, to be frank, and I am nothing, if not frank, except I'm pop, you've got a friend, and I'm not going to bet about it on the bush here. Wakanga, you have an awful lot of money.

I'm going to make that a persuasion check, because you are definitely not trying to imitate with that- intimidate, sorry, with that line. Fuck, imagine if I tried to intimidate one of the richest guys in China. Oh, fuck. Could I do it? Dangerous. It's definitely possible. I broke old mate's

fingers. You rolled quite poorly, so Wakanga gives you like a sympathetic look that you probably don't like you don't like the idea of getting sympathy it feels like from your character i imagine i'm not as soon as as soon as i notice that it's sort of maybe not working like he gives a sympathetic look can i jump in and yeah and i i know this is a lot to ask of you wakanga i mean i know you've earned your wealth and it's taken a lot of hard work to get there but i i mean i'm finding every part of

my body to roll my eyes at that line from a personal note i mean if you would wouldn't mind you know a charitable donation to helping someone find her dad you're you do a bit better because you're a softer person in general and i mean in conversation apart from the horns no they're soft horns malleable you can bend them no you can't that was a joke you're like the good cop to pop's bad cop so you come in with like the bomb trying to to soothe the situation and maybe appeal to Wakanga's better nature. But you kind of stammer your way through your sentences and you don't come off like you come off almost too weak. Like, you know what I mean? You can't really just get your idea out.

Sort of like what I'm doing right now. Or how my character speaks all the time yeah pretty much wakanga gives still a sympathetic book but he says uh i want to help you uh but uh i i can't just be throwing around money willy-nilly it's uh i become a merchant priest for a prince for a reason well do you know anywhere that we could perhaps seek some extra money? Well, Lady Ware says, taking out the bag that she said she was going to give you, I have some money to spare.

And she gives you 50 gold. I can spare no more than this, though. That means a lot. Thank you so much. That gets us less than 10 days. It does. Just gotta find a temple to raid in 10 days. Could we do that?

I mean, maybe. Because we get treasure from there. We can- Adventurers- Chult is lousy with adventurers. You're bound to stumble upon the corpse of someone who had equipment. Oh. Oh.

I suppose if it's for a good cause. I mean, I suppose we could always promise the cats a fair share, and that cuts our costs by half. Alternatively, if we don't find anything, we can always negotiate with the cats. We've got some options. There are always the dinosaur races, huh? I beg your good pardon?

He's implying that we gamble the money. That's all I'd say. Put five bucks on something paying 100 to one, all of a sudden... Or even if you think yourself a good enough rider, huh? You can gamble on your own winning. State of winning. You're not riding me in a dinosaur race. Oh, come on.

You're not that old get a car that was great that was low-key amazing thank you i'm high-key proud well i think it's all very well and good for someone with money to imagine throwing it away but we really do have limited resources. We can tell the cats that would give them an equal share, pay them nothing. We can start paying the cats, and if we find something,

swap and say that we will start giving them things. I'm just looking at the names of the racing dinosaurs, and fuck, it's great. Big Honker. Banana Candy. Oh, wow. Nasty Boy. These sound like search things that you do in a naughty website.

Hello, I'm looking for Big Honker Banana Candy. And Nasty Boy. They all sound like rude things if you want to look at people that aren't wearing a lot of things. Cass, you're adorable. I'll go to www.nastyboy.com forward slash banana candy. Banana candy does seem like a website of dick pics. It does. Like nice dick pics.

Yep, good ones. High-end dicks. The lighting's nice. Someone's used portrait mode on their iPhone. Dicks in sharp focus. Shaft shots. Sharp focus. Turn up the contrast.

No, that's bad. Oh, fuck. That's a good one, though. Green screen behind it. Let's just put it on the contrast. No, that's bad. Oh, fuck. That's a good one, though. Green screen behind it. Let's just put it on the beach. If you like penis coladas and getting caught in the rain, this is the dick for you. Funny, because penis coladas have banana in it, so it would be perfect on a website called Banana Candy. Penis coladas have banana in them?

I think so. I have no idea. I don't think so, actually. I thought it was pineapple and coconut. Oh, yeah. I'm thinking of a different drink. You're thinking of a much better drink. I'm thinking of like a Bananarama or something like that,

which is a band. Hey, let's move on. Whoa! Yeah, there are many dinosaur racing going on. You could do that. You could find yourself maybe a little job just here in Port Nyanzaru. Many people looking for

muscle. I could do that. People are dying and their souls are going. We don't really have a lot of time to spare. We don't really have a lot of gold.

Well, look, put it this way. We've got to wait. We've got a meeting with old cabbage patch kids today. We do. Fuck yes. The cat dickheads. The cat dickheads aren't going gonna be able to get back to us i reckon for a couple of days we probably have a day or two to try and raise some extra funds

okay also we don't have to pay anyone up front that's true i mean because we don't have to pay anyone up front if we get halfway and run out out of money, they can go home. Yeah. Or we just go the whole way through the quest to bring him back and then, oh, shit, we got no money for you. Or, no, no, no, no, no, we do the whole quest, bring him back home. This is still at the table, I assume. What are we doing? Prince. Yeah?

How much do you want for Vaughn? How much are you willing to pay for Vaughn and the amulet? Because he did say he'd buy it off us. Yeah, he wanted to trade it to you for magical scrolls. I mean, they definitely help us in our quest. Magical scrolls are worth money. You know what? I'm going to make a unilateral decision.

I don't know if that's the right use of the word, unilateral, but here we go. It isn't. Fuck you. I'm going, Michelle. Right. I think what we do is we get these adventurers on. We don't have to pay no one up front. We know at worst we've got 10 days, just under 10 days of funds.

How much gold do we have on our own? It should be listed on your character sheet somewhere. Well, we paid two golds, so I'm assuming that's one each. Down the bottom, I think, of the first or second page. So I'm assuming we paid one gold each when we're sending that thing. I have 75 gold. Oh. That's right.

You didn't need armor. Yeah, you got a lot. You have a lot of gold. I'm a greedy fucker. You really are. Well, you got 74 because we both paid a gold to get the message out. I have 75 gold. You paid for the message.

I've got 13. Yep, that sounds fair. Oh, my God. You're a fucking asshole. I am. I am. You actually yelled at her gold. That's amazing.

Yeah, I removed her gold. Who's having that 50? I'll hold it. I'll hold it. I've got a shell. It's secure. I'm basically like a bank with legs. I surely don't want gold that's been inside of you.

Where the fuck else am I supposed to keep my stuff? All of it. What? Hang on. Sorry, you put it all in you? Where else would I put it? These multiple belts are for decoration. These multiple belts just make me look like I'm from Final Fantasy.

I don't want to ask any more questions about where he keeps his things. No, we agree. Three questions, yes or no. We've done that. So, look, between us, we actually have about 100 gold. Oh, we have more. No, it's 50 from you. You've got, what, 60-something?

63. Yeah, plus, I don't know. 75. No, no, no. There's about 100. I've got 37 gold. I didn't say I had 75 to you, necessarily. True.

Okay, so we've got 100 gold between us. Because I probably told you I can't afford to pay the messenger. I'm a fucking asshole. You are. You should roll deception for that, though What, that I don't? You don't have enough to pay the messenger What's she gonna do?

Oh, it's just whether or not she knew that you were lying Would Tiffany call me out on a lie? Tiffany, you know Look, you probably didn't mention it Because it's an extra gold coin for you It's not worth having an argument over. It isn't. I'm just trying to find my dad.

But you know that he is absolutely lying. You don't know that he's stinking rich, but you know that he had a gold, certainly. He could have helped. Okay, so. Well, I've now just revealed I have at least 37 gold. That's a separate check. Once again, you're like, why is he lowballing me? Well, you know why.

I'm a big piece of shit. Yeah. You wait, you wait, you wait till you crack through to my heart of gold. It's going to blow your mind. Oh. All right. I can't see it.

My face will melt off. Correct. So you said that we have about 100 gold? Yeah. Okay. Which means what I'm saying, though, is we've got about 100, right? Yeah. That gives us several days to get – that gives us days.

That's a nice base level. Any gold we find along the way can go towards paying the adventurers. We may even be able to negotiate the Cabbage Patch guys out of the money completely. If we help them kill enough undead, we may be able to share enough of the loot with the cat dickheads, you know, to want to not take the money. But I feel like that is a problem for you and I to worry about in 30 days. I agree. They're all negotiable. They've already said they're negotiable.

If we stop paying them, they'll leave, so they really don't have another choice. And they'll also, I mean, there's also the high likelihood that they might die. You might want to be careful in arranging a situation where your guides abandon you in the middle of the jungle. Look, you'll have multiple guides, you will, but it just feels foolish.

What I'm saying is though, do we pay them each day? Yeah, you'd probably be paying them day by day. You'd probably pay them day by day. There's a high likelihood at some point we will find treasure. Yeah, there is. I mean, also technically we have about 150 gold, because I've got 75 that I'm not telling you about.

Well, I just don't know about that. That's just for me to know. We're going to get to a stage where I'm like, why are they staying? And you're like, I don't know. I don't know. Fuck. Yes, it's going to be great.

Let's do it. I'm going to be like, you guys have been working for free. It's like, no. What? Who's been paying you? The total boy. All right. So what's the plan?

Well, I suppose if we've got two days anyway, we should at least try and scrounge up some more money. But I am against gambling. We don't want to lose what we have. I mean, we've only got 100 gold. That's plenty. That's a lot. Only gamble what you're willing to lose.

I'm not willing to lose any. You only need the first day. That's just not enough. Everything but six gold is gambleable. One day to get you started. I've heard a lot of good things about Big Honker, so. Tell you what, Nasty Boy is basically a guaranteed win. Oh, but Banana Candy.

How do you gauge who wins in the dinosaur? It's got odds for all the, if you just are watching a race, it's got odds for all... But if we participate, it's on us. Yeah, basically. Or we could try to find a little odd job to do for maybe 20, 30 gold. I think that's a better way to get money and we'll be able to build connections in the town. That might help us later.

Let's go out and get jobs. You know, we've got to work for what we have. Like the prince here. I have a job. I'm an archaeologist. What's your job? Family. Actually, no, I'm a leather worker. I'm a phenomenal leather worker. Have you seen my leather work? Oh, you're right. What am I saying? This has been so silly of me. What needs, who needs leathers done? I stand up in the... Hey, that's a true fair point.

Who needs leather? I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I'm amazing at leatherworking. I show them my wares and it's... Do you have a leatherworking kit with you? Do you have some? Yeah. I have Smith tools. That's fine. I'd count those.

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why Jackson is like this. Who would like a nice fine piece of leather? Alright, so you're just going to go into the markets and apply your wares? Oh, I ask everyone at the table first. Lady Ware and Wakanga look at each other and then look at you. Wakanga, with a mouth of nectarine juice slowly dribbling out, says, I have a man already for it.

And Lady Ware says, I have no need of leather. That's all right. Just make sure if you do see anyone who wants something of an exceptionally high quality. I mean, I've been training for, oh gosh, 15 years. Please, send them my way. I would be delighted to- If you buy her leather, she might stop talking about the leather. Perhaps if you went to the markets, you might be able to find a place to ply your wares. That's a great idea.

Thank you so much. She nods slowly. Good luck to you. Thank you. I leave. I'm a bit crushed that no one, but that's fine. I'm going to go with her to the market because there's no fucking way she's going to not get robbed. Fair call.

Well, I just assumed that... I don't know anything about your previous history as an adventurer. All I know is that you're far too nice and wouldn't pick a fight with an orc in a bar last night. What was the point in picking a fight? Prove it you were mean. Okay, maybe I word is that you're far too nice and wouldn't pick a fight with an orc in a bar last night. What was the point in picking a fight? Prove that you were mean. Okay, maybe I worded that a bit wrong. I guess I'm nice, but it's like I'm trying to repent. For what?

Look at me. Look at me? I'm a big giant turtle. You've got horns. Big deal. Yeah, well... Some people have weird shit shit and that's fine. Well, maybe from here, but I'm not from here.

So? If I'm not nice, then. I'm going to give you one life lesson. Only one, because I don't do that. One life lesson. And that is, do not worry what fuckheads think about you. Because that will still make them fuckheads. My dad's not...

If your dad thinks your fucking horns are fucking weird, despite the fact they are part of your head, sorry to tell you this, but he is probably a fuckhead. Okay, I really don't appreciate that. You don't know him. No, enough. Off we go. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

I can just get your good boy cards ready. Line them up. Line them up. You missed all that, didn't you? Yes. That's all right. I caught a dad of fuckhead to a face. Mm-hmm.

I think I was vaguely, like, listening or, like, I was absorbing, sort of, and then letting go. That's about as nice as pop gets. You just insult the person who chose me when no one else will talk to me. That's about as nice as Pop gets. You just insult the person who chose me when no one else will talk to me, that's fine. I told you you shouldn't worry about why other people don't talk to you. It's real lonely though. So? I hate it.

Alright, so both of you you're both very perceptive spot a man in odd robes who looks like a cleric of sorts. This is on the way to the market, a cleric of sorts this is on the way to the market i assume yeah yeah this is on the way to the market pop you're able to identify the robes as marking him as an acolyte of uh savras is that good or bad savras is a god of mages and magic he's like the the deity responsible,

or some people feel responsible, for creating magic in the world. Clerics or devouts of him are often also wizards or sorcerers or have some sort of arcane magical background as well, in addition to divine, because they just tend to be obsessed with arcane magic it's part of their their religion anyway he's good or bad adam um uh savras is uh i believe a neutral god he's lawful neutral so that's okay we're all right yeah you're not gonna try to kill us basically

but you can see that the man's face is gaunt and his eyes are kind of glazed over a little bit there's something wrong with him the man falls to his knees in front of you creating a little bit of a scene people back away creating a like a little uh circle for you guys to to to encounter this man in he looks pop he looks you dead in the eyes and whispers, only loud enough for you and Tiffany to hear, Speak to the wise guardian of Oralunga, east of Mbala. She can direct you to what you seek. Then he collapses. You what?

He's unconscious. I rush over. Can I do anything to help him? You're no doctor. So no? No. Can I do anything to help him? You didn't roll very well.

Unless you have something to help with the roll? Skill or attack roll? Yes, skill or attack roll. You do a bit better on this one But you still don't pass Do you want to spend another card? I don't have any I'm just looking at my skills My spells

Would any of them help? I have a cure wounds You could just make a medicine check Okay You're better than Dvd But not by much As you're checking him over, Pop You can tell that he's just collapsed

He's unconscious But it doesn't look like anything is physically wrong with the man As you're checking him over, Pop, you can tell that he's just collapsed. He's unconscious, but it doesn't look like anything is physically wrong with the man. As you come to that conclusion, he wakes up in your arms. All right, mate. What happened? You walked here, said some weird shit, fell over, and now you're awake. Are you okay? Yes, I feel sick, but fine.

Do you remember what you said to us? What did I say to you? I, where am I? You're in Port Nizaru. You walked up to us, told us something about some, talked to some lady god, a lungo, a longus, elong to some lady god. Alungo. Alongus. Elongated. Alligator lady.

El Gato. Spanish for cat. The name he said was the wise guardian Orulunga. I was close. East of Mbala. Something about Orulunga. Better talk to her? I don't know who that is. What time is it?

What's the last thing you remember? It was night. I was in the tavern and then I'm here. What day was that? Through conversation you work out that he's missing 12 hours of memory. Someone put an old... Excuse me, sir. Hey!

Just talking in final over here. Someone put an old bamboozle in. Hey, this is talking infernal over here. Someone put an old bamboozling on this guy. Oh, what kind of sicko's gonna do something like that? Does he know Inferno? Oh, uh, yeah, I'll check. Do you know anything about a lady... No, he doesn't understand Inferno. Well, I suppose we should sort of have a look at this, yeah?

All right, let's go. Hey, no more. Where was your last memory? We'll help you find what happened. You walk back to, it was the other tavern he was staying at. We're going to go sell some fucking goods now. Kea's House of repose. Oh, the fancy place. Yeah.

You head back there. If you check out the front, the other two people are there. The other two little, like, signs for guides. As we go past, take both those signs down. You're welcome, Tom. I don't want them. I just don't want other people to have them. What?

I'm just an arsehole. Fuck it. All right. Look. Sure. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck me. We missed out on a champion.

He expects 30 days in advance. But his name is Shago, and he's a member of the Flaming Fist. He's not afraid of dinosaurs, bugs, or hard work. He can paddle a canoe, start a fire, forage, or whatever you need. He has a strong arm and the heart of a Tyrannosaurus. Selita. Fuck me. She's got dirt on everyone else that we've hired.

Azaka and Ekku have led expeditions into the jungle that never returned, so it's a good thing we didn't go with either of those two. Yeah. Ferul and Gondolo are charlatans, so they have no idea what's going on. Old Hugh suffers from mad monkey fever. Masharab is the albino dwarf, and he's not to be trusted. River Mist and Flask of Wine owe money to someone. Five gold pieces per day. That's it. That's all to be trusted. River mist and flask of wine owe money to someone. Five gold pieces per day.

That's it. That's all she's offering. Man, she would have been great. I've taken these off the wall. Yeah, you have them. They're yours. Can I snatch them off? I want to have a look.

Does she have any dirt on Kwasher and Kubalewi? No mention of them. Oh, they're fine. Well, they seem like they live in the woods. She doesn't have any dirt on him yet. He takes you to Kea's house of repose. You sit down at the table he was at last night. He's like, I was here.

He's like just going through his events. Maybe you talk to the bartender as well. The bartender didn't notice anything unusual. He just says that the man, oh, you've learned the man's name is Essek. I'm i'm gonna call you s because i can't be bothered learning any new people's names thank you essek essek he was just having dinner got up presumably went to bed the bartender actually wasn't really paying that much attention or actually i should roll but you're both pretty insightful you'll probably figure this out yeah look you both figure it out the bartender just wasn't paying attention last night so he he says that

essek went to bed but he doesn't know well thank you for your help attention bar folk oh fuck here Does anyone remember this man? You, from asking around, you learned that a couple of people were here last night, but no one really, like Essek was here on his own. He didn't really make a big impression on a lot of the people around here. So not many people were keeping track of him or anything like that. So no one really has any interesting information no one certainly knows anything the bartender didn't tell you but let me just quickly check this because if no one's going to give us anything i'm going to stand up on that table as well i'm going to stand on table because it'll break i'm a big fella uh because if we can't get anything from Tiffany being nice,

I will intimidate everyone in the room to answer Tiffany's question. Tiffany. Let me just find out if you hear any rumours about Mbala. Or Oligaru, whatever her name is. Yeah, or... Oligarura. Or... I need to write that name down.

Yes. Oralanga. She is east of Mbala. She can direct you. Have I heard that name before, Mbala? Mbala was a city. Cool, cool. Like, now it's a ruin?

Yeah, it's a ruin. A lot of people consider it bad mojo. There's like a shadow, a creature, people say, that moves about the city. You don't know if you believe those rumors or not but you wouldn't be shocked if in a place like chult there was a literal boogeyman that lived in the ruins of a city other than that you don't know well you know it's hard to get to it's up on a plateau that you have to climb to get up there there was maybe a path but you don't know where the path is or if it even still exists any story you've ever heard of someone going to Mbala,

they had to scale the side of the plateau? Fuck, I like climbing. Can't imagine you'd be any good at it. No offence. No, no, no, I'm taking. I'm a turtle. I'm a good swimmer. What did, oh my gosh, what did he say?

East. It's east, right? Yes. So it's not actually in the city. It's east of the city. East of Mballa. Was she warning us? She just said if we spoke to her, the wise guardian. Yeah, she could tell you what you were looking for.

Where we could find it. Where you could find what you're looking for, yeah. So I'm going to go out on a limb here. We know where Vaughn is. I'm going to wager that maybe the wise guardian knows where the amulet is for Vaughn. I think our journey just got a bit longer, but I think it'll be worth it. Yeah, we'll sell some leather, get our funds up. She might know where the soulmonger is.

She might. She knows where something is, and she went to a lot of effort. To tell us. Yeah. What we think of Rufus over there. Essek. Did you just call him Rufus? Yep.

He honestly just seems like a vessel for the message. Perhaps we're wasting time here. We need to make more money. I think, though, we make more money. I wouldn't. We actually don't need him now, I wouldn't imagine. He's delivered the message. Oh, he's fine.

He can go back to his life. Yeah, fuck him off. Thank you. Thank you a thousand times. Yeah, see you later. All right, mate. Rest up, okay? Yes, yes, yes.

I think I do need a rest, he says. All right, so. Did you want to say something before you left? No. All right. If he needs a rest. So did you want to say something before you left? Um, no. All right. If he needs a rest. Wait, does he remember what he did? So he was at the tavern and then he just suddenly his memory just disappears?

Or is there something? Does he remember anything? He, no. The last 12 hours are a blank for him. He has no memory whatsoever. Does he remember leaving the tavern? No, no, he doesn't uh speaking of sorry just rumors and such oralunga you know precious little about you know it is also a city

another ruin so it's the wise guardian of oralunga which is east of umbala yeah first things first to get the money together yes no more east sorry we'll come... Oh, did I say east? Sorry, west. Maybe you said west and I said east because we didn't remember. Oralunga is west of Mbala. Brilliant. Alright. Okay, let's get to work. I'm making money. Let's leave Ersek. Ersek. Ersek. Ersek. Thank you, Ersek. Red robe Johnny. Go to bed. So many nicknames, so little time.

Okay, I'm going to go to the market and I'm going to sell my wares. I'll set up a little repair store. I'm coming with you. That'd be so nice. Thank you. Well, no, not because of that. Thank you. Let's go.

I'm protecting my financial. Oh, fuck it. I walk away before I can hear that. Your stall is probably going to end up just being a table that you found, because to get a marquee and everything else is a big hassle for you. Oh, no, no, no. There's no point. Adam, can I intimidate someone out of their stall and we just take over that?

You can certainly try. Would you like? Fuck it, I'm going to try that. First can certainly try. Would you like? Fuck it. I'm going to try that. First off, highs or lows? Highs. What did I say last time when I got the big orc when I wanted someone weedy as fuck? I think you said lows.

No, I'm pretty sure you said lows. Because I think for some weird reason, I vividly remember getting 87 on that one. All right. So you would have picked lows. Let's go highs this one. All right, so... You would have picked lows. Let's go highs this time. All right, you see a jewel salesman. The person doesn't look like they're... Not a jewel salesman, actually.

A... Well, yeah, a salesman of jewels, but, like, beads. Nothing, like, no gold or silver or actual gemstones. Just, like, coloured rocks, really. The person does not necessarily look like they're a pushover, but they don't look like a battle-hardened mercenary like some of the stalls you pass. Great.

The person's willing to share the stall with you. Oh, thank you so much. That's so kind. I would love to share with you. Do you have any leather work that needs repairing? No, I don't do much leather work. I just make beads.

No, I can help you if you have anything that needs fixing. No, I don't do... All right. Tell you what, we do this then, huh? You make leather bracelets

or leather bands or stuff like that. We put my beads in them. We split the profits. 50-50. That sounds wonderful. 60-40. That was also not a persuasion. I know.

I'm very well aware it wasn't a persuasion. Do you have any cards to help you out with this roll? Skill check. No. Do you have any skill check help you out with this roll? Skill check. No. Do you have any skill check? No. He shakes his head. 50-50. I think that sounds fair. Alright, you want to work with him today? Sit down. Pardon? You work with him today? Yeah. What's his name?

His name is... Barnabas. His name is... You nearly said Barnabas. No. Faram. Hi, Faram. Where are you from? Chult. I am local.

Oh, brilliant. What is he? What does he look like? He's tall. Tall and thin. He has closely cropped hair that looks like it's been dyed or bleached blonde, I should say. They probably don't have proper dyes here. He has a lot of piercings. His nose is pierced in

maybe three different places. And his ears look like they would blow up a metal detector. Is he human? You know those stretchers that you can get for your lobes? He has those as well. And is he human? Oh yes, he's human. Actually no,

he's half-elven. Tanned skin. Wait, do I hate elves? Oh, yes, he's human. Actually, no, he's half-elven. Tan skin. Wait, do I hate elves? Yeah, I do. I'm sure you do. I hate humans and elves, so I hate him twice. Did your piercings hurt? Just about a moment.

Okay. How many do you have? He counts. One, two, three, four, five, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Why don't we work on the actual financial recoupment. Do you want to get down into them

body piercings tour? What? Yes. Oh, fuck me. I'm just gonna go in my shell. He lifts his shirt and shows you his back. He's got like his spine is pierced along the back. Oh my goodness. How long have you had those?

Since I was a little boy then there, huh? Wow. He shows you like the stretch marks from when they were first put in. He would have been really young. Did he say, did he finish counting? Yeah, he has 32 in total. That's so many. Do you ever put your beads on them?

Yeah, he shows you. Like, he takes some out and then beads them up. Anyway, you guys got work to do. Okay. Is someone going to meet the guides that you're going to be meeting today? Where are they? Kappa, Louie, and Quahasha. Well, I guess if you're selling with this guy, you've become friends with him.

You can go meet the... I'm probably doing more harm than good here. You'll be doing more harm than good anywhere. But all right. I got a bad boy card. And look, good news. Tiffany, you do pretty well. Bad news is when he takes off, he has a piercing through his hand, right through the middle of it.

When he takes that out, he may be, when he's putting through his hand, right through the middle of it. When he takes that out, he may be, when he's putting it back in, I should say, actually, he misthreads it and hurts his hand, and for the rest of the day, his work is very shoddy. He is not pulling his weight, because he's working with basically just one hand. I've left, haven't I? Fuck, if I was still there, I would have just punched the shit out of him and taken his stool.

Because he's doing shoddy work, does that mean he's slower? Yeah, he'd be a lot slower as well. You're going to make a lot less money because of him. Well, can I make some leather bracelets that don't have beads on them, if he's taking so long to bead them? Yeah, you can. Okay, I'll just say, I'm so

sorry for Ram. He's still hampering your efforts, though. Because it takes you a little while to decide to switch over and such. I'll say say I'm so sorry for Ram He's still hampering your efforts though Because it takes you a little while To decide to switch over and such I'll say today you make 5 silver And 6 gold in total Oh that's not very much

How many silvers in a gold? 10 Well I'm nowhere near here so I'm going to get a really good report when I come back and meet you You go back to the Thundering Lizard to meet The guides Well, I'm nowhere near here, so I'm going to get a really good report when I come back and meet you. You go back to the Thundering Lizard to meet the guides. You're meeting Qualasha. The Cabbage Patch Kids. Qualasha and Koopa Louie.

Well, Koopa Louie, I don't... No, no, no. You knew that was a Vegepigmy. Yeah. So you're not necessarily shocked when you see the Vegepigmy sitting on a high chair at the table. How big is he? Small size? So about the size of a toddler. Let me see if I can find... Does he move like one?

No, there's a picture there. I imagine he just looks like that. You don't want to see its legs? Nope. Terrifying. I want to see its legs. Has it got two legs or multiple legs? Does it have just roots and it crumbles around? Roots on a spinning so it just flaps with its little leaves every time. Like those wheels made of shoes.

Yep. Vegapygmies, also called moldfolk or moldies, inhabit dark areas that are warm and wet. I am 100% calling them moldies because that sounds racist. They are commonly found underground or in dense forests where little sunlight penetrates. A Vegapygmy instinctively feels kinship with other plants and fungus creatures, and thus Vegapygmy tribes coexist well with creatures such as mycondids, shriekers, and violet fungi. They prefer to eat fresh meat, bone, and blood. Vegapygmies can absorb nutrients from soil and many sorts of organic matter, meaning that

they rarely go hungry. A Vegapygmy can hiss and make other noises by forcing air through its mouth, but it can't speak in a conventional sense. Among themselves, Vegapygmies communicate by hissing, gestures, and rhythmic tapping of the body. Any gear they have is acquired from other creatures or built by copying simple construction that they have witnessed. Oh, gosh. We're going to get, like, some sort of drum solo when he's angry at you. It's going to sound like a snare and a... I've got a big shell.

I'll do it back. All right. I'm meeting with Kawasha and Cooper Louie. How will the notoriously prickly pop deal with the two mysterious guides? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time

in Zombie Plagued Chult. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at Sandspants Radio, then why not subscribe to SandspantsPlus.com. For as little as $5 a month, you can have access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and content. Once again, that's SandspantsPlus.com.

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