D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #6 Friend and Foe

Episode Date: August 24, 2019

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You just know, but you do not explain. No, no, you promised to help. You've got to ask. No, you promised. If your knowledge would ever come in handy, you promised to use that knowledge to help. And that was the one thing I asked. It's a king. When you get to the center of the maze,

a little band of light forms around the center of the maze and slowly runs along your finger until it disappears about halfway up your arm. And you see two giants. Oh, Jesus. Frost giants. Yes. So you don't know much about frost giants,

but a huge creature, let me try and give you some scale here. A huge creature is maybe six or seven stories tall. They are accompanied by giant, about them size wolves. Ah. You hear the two frost giants walking around you. Where are you? I feel twice as awful as usual.

That is bleak and unnecessarily too much information about your life. Oh, I cannot be bothered arguing with you today. Let's just quickly take a rest. You take a rest partway through the day. But the other one attacks Koopa Louie. Not Koopa Louie. Oh, no. You could make noises like that if you wanted to.

In your boats, you watch as dangling plants attack your friend Koopa Louie. The plant in front of Koopa Louie tries to engulf him. But Koopa Louie. The plant in front of Koopa Louie tries to engulf him, but Koopa Louie is too strong. Oh, I love that little guy. Atta boy. It's the tabaxi turn. I think both of them are just going to... Yeah, both of them draw short bows

and fire at the one Koopa Louie's fighting. One of them hits. Oh, wait, no, they get two attacks. Nah, yep, Only one hit. The plant takes six points of damage. And then, Pop, it's your turn. I turn

my attention to the other plant. I'd like to hit it again. You charge forwards with Hammer and Sickle in hand. I might go after the one Cooper Louie's fighting. Yep. Because that one's still too far away, I assume. No, they after the one Koopa Louie's Yep Fighting Yep Cause they're not still too far away I assume

No they're actually both at Koopa Louie now Oh cool Koopa Louie's kinda like the front line Well now that you're standing next to him You're also the front line You fight side by side You strike twice Once with the hammer

Once with the sickle Very nice You deal Nine points of damage in total slashing and hammering hammering and slashing you start beating that one back you're forcing it because it's made out of plant you're forcing it kind of backwards to bend over itself it's not it doesn't have like the rigid skeletal structure of structure of an animal of any type. So when you hit it, it bends like it's made out of, well, partially is made out of moss or like an icky sort of plant-like substance.

But it just springs right back. Every time you hit it, though, or slash it, there's a little bit less elasticity to it. So you are doing damage. Good. Call that you bastard tree. And to it. So you are doing damage. Good. Call that you bastard tree. And then it's the druid's turn. Or Quasha and Kupalui's turn, I should be more specific.

Quasha spends his turn getting to the front lines. Kupalui goes in for the kill, like he's been trained to since he was but a babe. You do have your fun, Adam. I enjoy. Koopa Louie proves to be the superior fighter of the entire group.

Striking twice. He deals... That's not right, I guess. 11 points of damage. It was not nothing. It was not nothing. Sorry, I turned into matt berry for a second matt berry that's my best matt berry impression it's the plant's turn hang on hang on

yeah yeah one of them attacks koopa louie one of them tries to wrap itself around you pop the one that attacks Koopa Louie Koopa Louie just has his hands on either side of its massive maw of sorts like the plant and he's just holding it up as it tries to close around him and pop what's your armor class oh you're lucky as the other one tries to engulf you, it just kind of tries to, in its last movement getting towards you, it just launches itself and tries to land on and around you. But you duck and roll away from it and it lands, catching nothing but dirt. Like I said, fuck you, you branchy bastard. It's the Dabaxi turn. They launch a hail of arrows hitting twice.

No, three times. Once, twice, three times an arrow. Too cute by half. They bring down one of the plants and two arrows strike the other one, dealing it nine points of damage in total. Then it is pop your turn. There's one plant left. Is it my turn again?

Yeah, it's your turn. I just had my turn, didn't I? Didn't you? No. You didn't. Cass didn't get another turn, didn't you? I did skip you, Cass. I'm sorry.

I went straight from the druids to the plants. Well, you can... We'll say you delayed your turn until after the tabaxi for some reason. You wanted to know what they were going to do. I did. They seem like confident people. Oh, my God. Is that racist? Person's...'s cat people i'm so sorry uh so you can move your witch bolt

without spending another spell you can move it on to the other uh plant keep that going and then you can also attack normally oh sick yeah well i'll move it to the other plant and then attack with my rapier you deal three points of damage and then closing in for the kill you attack with your rapier your rapier scores a hit the plants are not particularly good at defending themselves who would have known surprise prince are bad at fighting uh your rapier does idiots they shouldn't have fought you deal eight points of damage in who would have known? Surprise, Prince. I'm bad at fighting. You'll rape your doors at the end. Idiots. They shouldn't have fought. You deal eight points of damage in total.

No, sorry. You deal three points of damage from the witch bolt and then a further eight points of piercing damage for a total of 11. Now it's your turn, Pop. I'll go to the last plant. Let's do it. Let's hammer this boy.

It's hammering time. I think you'll only score one hit. No, you scored two again. Sorry. No, three. Oh, my God. Adam, what are you doing to me, man? You're a fucking machine.

You're amazing. You're a fucking Machine Gun Kelly in this. I am. Is that a good reference? What do we think? I don't know. I don't know what a Machine Gun Kelly is. Machine Gun i am is that a good reference what do we think i don't know i i don't know what a machine gun kelly is machine gun kelly is that a rapper i know machine gun

destiny's child no that's machine gun kelly roland it's different that's michelle and kelly all right anyway you launch upwards with your sickle slicing the connective sinew that brings the man trap down from the canopy above you cut straight through the sinew the man trap hits the ground and starts writhing violently on the ground you bring your hammer down in the same leaping movement crushing part of it and using your hammer to keep it in place, you use your sickle like part of a knife and fork, and you cut that bitch into easily digestible chunks. Can I digest a chunk? Would you like to?

Would that be bad, Adam? You don't know. By the way, combat's over. No, I don't need it. Okay. All right. That's over. No, I don't need it.

All right. You both receive 300 experience points. Yay! You all right, horns? Yeah, I'm all good. You did good. I did all right. I guess we're still yelling.

You did good. I did all right. What about you four? You fine? No one has a sudden compulsion to climb into foliage? Flask of wine is quite damaged. Flask of wine fell. Well, it didn't fall for it, but was compelled to slide on in to the plant. And so it took a bit of damage.

But other than that, no one's been hurt. For the most part, flask of wine just has his pride hurt. My brother, he is easily fooled by things. Not so easily fooled. Oh my god, the first time! Does he need to be healed? Healing would be appreciated, yes. Oh no, that's really mean.

I was going to charge him two gold. Over here, Kat. Cure wounds. Alright, just as that's really mean. I was going to charge him two gold. Over here, cat. Cure wounds. All right. Just as a first-level spell? Yeah, I'm not that nice. He recovers a bit of health. He's feeling better now.

Fuck, we have a druid. You can do some too, tree boy. It's fine. He'll be fine. So, you keep on keeping on. That we do. All right. The rest of the day goes uneventfully, but...

We sleep. Pop, you're fine. Well, I say fine. Pop, you'll take a level of exhaustion, but that was kind of just to be expected. Tiffany, you're going to take two levels of exhaustion. You're right. Yeah, it's just really hard.

So, Tiffany, you have disadvantage on ability checks, your speed is hard, and you have disadvantage on attack rolls and saving throws as well. You're doing very poorly. Yes, I am. Can we do anything to help that? Rest. Every day of rest is a level of exhaustion gone.

All right, stop here. We're going to rest. The little fella can't take it anymore. You're going to rest? We're going to rest. Oh, my gosh. I don't express it because I'm so tired, but how touching. Oh, my God.

Big Turtle, definitely not my dad, is taking care of me. It's going to be a busy night. What? I take the first watches. I sleep. I sleep. I just have to go to sleep. I want, before you go, before you light out.

Yeah? Tomorrow, if the weather is as bad as it was today, we're not going anywhere, because you're useless if you're dying every time we walk 10 meters. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I go to sleep dreaming about how that really means he loves me. Okay.

I take first watch. All right, you take first watch. Oh, no. Why would you do that, Adam? Don't make sounds. Sounds only happen when bad things happen. Otherwise, Adam's a mime. He only talks to deliver bad news.

Oh, no. In the distance, you can hear a... Little boy. Son of a bitch. Little boy. Son of a bitch. Little boy. There's a campfire. I put it out. You quickly launch into action, kicking out the campfire.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. All right, you put it out. You can hear them very close. Oh, my gosh. We've been following. tiffany you wake up you wake up you tiffany the first thing you see is river mist directly across from you on the other side of the campfire as pop kicks it out river mist puts a single finger up to her lips shushing you quietly you can't see me now too and neither can the tabaxi,

because I've just put the torch, the flame, the fires out. Yeah, as soon as the fire goes out, you switch over to darkvision and Pop turns invisible, you have to assume. Oh, my God. Adam, I'd like to chill and rock. All right. So I'm going to make some very important stealth rolls.

Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. Have Kawashi and them woken up yet? We don't know. Yeah, no. Well, everyone you can see. If you have darkvision, you can see everyone is awake. Kawashi is the only person who doesn't rely on darkvision to see at night.

Kawashi is the only... I think Koopalooie actually doesn't have dark vision. Let me check. Koopa Louie... Oh, no. Koopa Louie has dark vision. So everyone but Quasha has dark vision. All right.

Okay. That's not good. As they get closer... Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. A massive clump of mud and dirt and dust and a stone is crushed underneath one of their feet. And you are so close that the dust of the crushed stone washes through your campsite.

When that happens, Koopa Louie. The giants wheel around there you are koopa louie looks at you tiffany just for a split like for a hanging moment just a very serious serious expression and then puts a hand up to stay you. Maybe you're about to move, like your body tenses up. Koopa Louie puts a hand up to stay you,

to get you to stand still, and then turns and sprints into the jungle. There you are! The frost giants step over your campsite and chase Koopa Louie. I'm still frozen.

They have to. Quasha slowly gets out of his bedroll, looking around in disbelief. He looks at, well, once again, he can't see you, Pop. He can. Yes. He looks at you, Pop, or squints at your outline in the darkness, then looks at you, Tiffanyiffany and you can both see anguish in his face he chases after cooper louis and the frost giants when that happens river mist

with her paws still hanging in the air from before keeps it suspended there but you can both see that she has an incredibly pained expression and she just maybe maybe tiffany you're slowly rising out river mist stops you and just everyone stays still sounds fade into the jungle then a pack of velociraptors attack you you big fuck really yeah they were waiting for the frost they had snuck up on your camp you had two encounters literally happened at the same time the velociraptors saw you were stalking up on you then the frost giants frost giants came the velociraptors saw you were stalking up on you then the frost giants frost giants came the velociraptors like oh fuck they were hiding just the same as you guys frost giants left they're like all right dinner's back on the menu hey adam yeah how do velociraptors see at night uh i don't

know i'm gonna check i don't think they have darkvision, though. Oh, damn. Because they're not just like fucking invisible murderer. Invisible murderer. Oh, that'd be sick. No, they don't. They don't have darkvision. Oh, well. Are we going to see?

Are they dead, Adam? Sorry? You don't know? Oh, okay. Velociraptors. Velociraptors. Velociraptors. Are we going to see? Are they dead, Adam? Sorry? You don't know? Okay. Velociraptors. Velociraptors. Velociraptors. Well, they have a lot of feathers.

Set them on fire. Feathers are flammable, yeah? I don't know. I don't have any feathers. Okay. Oh, my gosh. Don't worry about the plant or you'll die. Focus on these things and then we can worry about the plant

Tiffany, it's a pack of nine velociraptors And are they really close? They're in among you They're launching around at you If it makes you feel any better They lost their surprise round just hiding But they would have gotten a free turn otherwise. Okay, then.

I Witch Bolt on the one closest to me. Oh, sorry. Eleven, not nine. Oh! That's a subtle difference. That's good. Your Witch Bolt rakes along the ground, missing the Velociraptor. So I pretty much did get a free round, didn't you?

Well, they will yes actually can i succeed on this attack roll please of course you can thank you thank you good boy card uh just letting you know you're still down a spell because you haven't had a full rest yet so you deal oh yeah i woke up two points of damage didn't go away points of damage it's a light grazing with the spell unfortunately I could have sneezed and done more damage I don't know about that Put some rocks in your hand

What if I had a lot of acid in my mouth Why? So the sneeze would hurt someone else Tiffany just carries acid around In your mouth at all times Just in case I've got to sneeze and make it hurt And then to attack you just tickle a feather It carries acid around in your mouth at all times. Just in case I've got to sneeze and make it hurt. Yeah.

And then to attack, you just tickle a feather under your nose. Help me, my feather! No, it's a double. It's a combo. You pour acid in your mouth. I lean over you with a paper grinder. It's acid on people. Put us in smash bros four velociraptors make their way around flask of wine and river mist and are snapping at them from all

directions river mist and flask of wine are back to back fighting for their lives one of the velociraptors launches over that pack of four, landing on River Mist and tearing into her as another one darts in and attacks Flask of Wine. We're having such a nice time on the river. Oh, my gosh. Now it's all gone. We've, like, lost two people, and I feel like these two guys are very close to dying.

Oh, we're about to become a party of two, which, you know, quietly outside of the game means we don't have to pay them. Which is what we were planning on anyway. Correct. Because we have no money, Cass. We do not have any money. Well, we're hoping to find treasure. We have no plan of really how to do that.

We're just hoping it happens. We're not paying the cats. They just get half of whatever we find. Oh, sick, yeah. Except for the amulet. Yeah, which we've already said. Quasar and Koopa Louie. We haven't even found any undead.

No. We still have to pay them, though. It's like three gold a day or something. Not anymore. Problem. I'm not going to lie. That is 100% mostly what Pop's thinking about. He's done the math.

As soon as they run off, he's like, I can buy that new hat I've always wanted. I've got my ring. Don't need them any hours. I can see the way. Magically. I love to imagine as soon as you got the ring, you're like, I don't need any of them.

I don't think it is a ring. I think it's a boon, but I've just decided it's a ring. Pop and Tiffany, both of you hear a scream from the tabaxi. And Pop, you hear a wet sound right next to you. You look down and at your feet, a dismembered tabaxi paw. All right, you fucking fillery sons of bitches. All right, that was five of them. There's another six of them.

Three of them attack each of you. How badly did we go on this check? I missed the hadrosaurs. I had such a beautiful moment that you'll never know about. I will never know about that. Even if I die here, I'll never tell you. Pop, they circle around you. They're pack predators.

One nips at you from behind. You turn around to whip and defend at that one. Another one nips you from behind. You whip around. Anytime your back is to one of them, it's attacking your back. You cannot keep up with them they're too fast you take 20 points of damage holy shit 20 i'm a tank but holy shit i did two i did two and i get there's more you should never compare your success to the success of others because you don't know their journey. But 20.

They're pretty strong. Tiffany, it's the same story. You take 19 points of damage. You do, however, Tiffany, get one lucky moment when one of them darts in at you and you kick out with one of your feet and you hear it cry in pain as you snap its leg delayed recovery you don't add your damage bonus to your attacks for two rounds so it will not add it it's lost its damage bonus good can i do i use hellish rebuke on my next turn or use it now as a reaction right now okay i'd like to use Hellish Rebuke on my next turn? Use it now as a reaction Right now? Okay

I'd like to use Hellish Rebuke Fire descends upon one of the Tabaxi Smiting it Tabaxi? Oh sorry Velociraptors Fire descends upon one of the Velociraptors You failed Cass, you killed our friends

Smiting it, you kill one of the Velociraptors There's now only ten Pop, it's your turn Adam Yeah? Lord Cass, you killed our friends. Smiting it, you kill one of the Velociraptors. There's now only ten. Pop, it's your turn. Adam. Yeah? I would like to use my Dread Ambusher ability. Sorry, I said before, I rolled the right amount of times, but it's three versus Tiffany, four versus Pop,

four versus the Tabaxi. I did roll the right amount for you, though, Tiffany. I think I said four by accident. Okay, cool. But now I'm down to three? Actually, now you're down to two. Now I'm down to two. Sick!

Yeah, I might like to use my Dread Ambusher ability, which says you add to your whiz modifier to initiative rolls. At the start of your first turn of each combat, your walking speed increases by ten feet. It lasts to the end of that turn. If you take the attack action, you can make one additional weapon attack

that deals an extra 1d8. Do I already do that? So the wisdom bonus is already added. I've already done that. Cool. So anytime I attack, I already get that. Is that right?

Yeah. At the start of your first turn of each combat. Yeah. So your movement speed right now is 40 feet, not 30 feet. It lasts until the end of that turn. Oh, so your movement speed right now is 40 feet, not 30 feet. It's not until the end of that turn. Oh, that's why I always get three attacks. It's because you already factored this in.

Oh, actually, no, I haven't. I haven't been giving you that extra attack, actually. I'm sorry. Oh, that's okay. I thought I had to activate it. I didn't think it... I thought I had to, like, say... Get a good boy card, because I have not given you your proper dues. Give me my fucking friends back, Adam.

Sorry? Oh, this good boy card says Velothraptor's fuck off. It's handy. Oh, does it? Yep. Yeah, can I see? No. Yeah, sorry.

I haven't been giving you that last part. You make one additional weapon. Yeah, so in your first turn, you get four attacks, which you can cash in now. Oh, I'm cashing that in right now. All right. Your first attack, critical fucking hit for the first attack. All right, you scaly fucks, let's go. Which one of you bitches wants to die?

Stunning blow, maximum damage, and the target must make a DC 16 constitution saving throw on a failed save. They are stunned. You successfully stunned the creature. So a stunned creature. i'm an angry boy can't move and if it can speak which a velociraptor obviously can't it can only speak falteringly i've seen jurassic park 3 adam those velociraptors talk it also automatically fails strength and dexterity saving throws and rolls against it have advantage which is going to be good for your future attacks against it you also deal oh wait what's your maximum damage uh you kill it sorry i forget what i was saying before that one dead that's bills oh we're doing well

i'm proud of us we're dead all right that's your first attack your second attack Which one of you fucks is next? Our second attack is also a hit You deal You kill it No No It's just barely alive That one barely escapes with its life Before I do

I've got two to go You've got two more to go I want to turn to the last two Right There's one that's dead There's one that's dead And one that I've morally wounded And I just want to like to the last two. There's one that's dead. There's one that's dead and one that I've mortally wounded. And I just want to like Shrek intimidate them.

Just like a roar and do a bit of a Koopa Louie chest bash. Absolutely. They do seem intimidated, but they're not backing down just yet. They still outnumber you. All right, then you fuckwits. And I attack those two with my last two. I hit. I kill. So you my last two. I hit. I kill.

So you've killed two now. And Adam, last time, just want to stop before I go for this last one. Yeah. And just again, just try to, I don't know, scare it off. If you want, you could wait for their turn to see if they run off, but right now they're still bearing down on you. They haven't really had enough time to take in what's happened. Nah, I could try to kill it. I might as well try to kill it give it a thrash one final attack

where you go over here boy sorry i rolled and as i picked it up i saw that was max damage but as i picked it up i also dropped it and it re-rolled to minimum damage. But you did roll max. You killed it. Thanks, Adam. You're such a nice boy. You kill three in one round and very nearly mortally wound the final one. So you're down to, what's that? To seven velociraptors pretty quickly. You made short term. Today's not a good day, you fucks.

All right. That was Pop's turn. It's the term. Today's not a good day, you fucks. All right. That was Pop's turn. It's the Tabaxi's turn. They fight for their damn lives. Is one missing an arm? One's missing a hand. Is it a white hand or a ginger hand? It would be a ginger hand.

Do you know what's insane? What? I don't know enough about my invisibility ability, Do you know what's insane? What? I don't know enough about my invisibility ability, but... Would Tiffany have not seen what I... Tiffany hasn't seen it yet, no. No, no, but what I mean is, there's no light, and I'm doing murders.

Can you not see what happened? You just saw them get destroyed? From your view, Tiffany, four velociraptors were slowly circling around nothing nipping at it and you saw every time they nipped they drew blood you saw that blood was drawn but uh you only see it being torn out of some presumably an invisible creature something is invisible moving about this camp And then after they had their little attacks, or at the same time rather, three of them were brought down and one was quite nearly mortally wounded. Because of all the time we spent together, is it enough for me to have realized that it's probably Pop? It's probably Pop.

Whatever it is, it's fighting the velociraptors, so it can't be all bad. Just come over and punch you just for rude just to keep me like uncertain yeah no i don't do that all right the only reason i asked that is because i was like that would be hilarious if you've just seen they just died exploding tiffany it's your turn it's the best fucking ability, sorry. So good. For my abilities that I got because I'm a tiefling, hell is your book in darkness, do they cut into my spell slots? They do not, no.

You get one use of each of them once a day. Sick. Okay, cool. I'll use my green flame blade. Green flame blade? I'll use green flame blade to. Green flambe. I'll use my green flambe to enchant my rapier and go for the throat.

I know that's not how D&D works, but... Mmm, flavour. You go for the throat. You strike it in the throat. You're going to do a lot of damage, I think. Ooh, I love damage. What's your damage, Tiffany? What's my damage? I like to get the bill at the end of sitting in a long session at the tavern

and go, oh, what's the damage? I love damage. I was looking at a page that was like subtle Bogan things, and one of them was that. That was awesome. But one of my favorite ones was picking up a set of tongs before you use them and clicking them just to test that they work. Yeah.

And the other great one was telling someone else when you're in the water, it's nice once you're in. Oh my gosh. I did that on the weekend. I went into the water and I was like, it's good once you're in. Yeah, it's good once you're in. Oh, what's the damage?

Went out to a barbie, picked off some snags for the queue and looked across to the cash register, said, what's the damage? And then I went and did the barbecue on a beach. I clicked the tongs, went into the water. The water was fine. I said everyone was okay once they were in. You just got to let it get past your bits. I mean, it's true.

That will work. Yeah. Once it's past your bits, you're smooth sailing. It's all uphill from there. Yeah. Yeah. Wait. It's okay.

The sentence, it's all downhill from there, is confusing. Right? Because it can mean it's all easy or it can mean it's just going to be worse. I've always considered it as in you're falling. So bad. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's all downhill from here.

Like, oh, it's all downhill from here. See, so when is uphill good? Yeah, going uphill is hard. There was a whole song about it. Yeah. There's a lot of books about it. People die on mountains a lot. Yeah.

What was that guy who did a crime, a God crime, had to push a stone up a hill forever? No, I'm thinking of the other guy. I was thinking of Sisyphus, the guy who has the food. Wait, no, is Sisyphus the rock? Who's the guy with the food above his head and the water, like he's in a tub of water, and when he reaches for the food, it goes out of his grip?

Oh, I don't know that one. I think Sisyphus is the boulder guy. There are so many Greek guys with so many unusual punishments. Yeah. There's old mate, there's Prometheus with his liver. Oh, people, crows eat his liver? Yeah. Forever?

Then it grows back overnight and they come back the next day. Yeah, Sisyphus is the rock. He pushes the rock up the hill and it rolls back down and he has to go and get it. Ah, I thought he just kept pushing forever. He gets to the top and then it always rolls back down again. It's Greek, so it means that he succeeds, but it's a hollow victory. I want to know the starving guy.

He eats pomegranates that belong to Hades. Oh, whoops. And then he's put in a bucket of water and anytime he goes to drink from the water, the pool drains away. And anytime he goes to drink from the water, the pool drains away. Oh. And any time he goes for the grapes, they wither back.

So everything's always just out of reach. Oh, no. It's awful. That's not nice. He was just Hungy. I think that's his name. Hungy, Hungy Greek Boy. Hungy, Hungy Homer.

I love that version of the Odyssey. It's the best. It's just, what are you doing? Oh, I'm just going out to get some maccas on my boat. Oh, fuck, I'm on an island. Oh, no, I ate my crew. There's no drive-thru here. Oh, shit.

Oh, this guy's only got one eye. Oh, no. Wait, is it Jason and the Argonauts where they eat their crew or is it Odysseus who eats his crew? Oh, I don't think it's Jason and the Argonauts who eat their crew because he's going for the Golden Police. That's right. Odysseus is like,

I'm just on an adventure. Gonna build a horse later. Gonna just, you know, horse it up. Or did he build the horse before he went to the island? Trojan? Yeah.

I don't know. Same guy. He's busy. Oh my gosh. Makes you think, you know, what have I done with my life? I build no horses. I didn't trick anyone to death. No. Oh, my gosh. Makes you think, you know, what have I done with my life? I built no horses.

I didn't trick anyone to death. No. Cass, you've got time. I believe in you. I'm still young. There's still time. I believe you'll put a big-ass wooden horse out the front of a town and then go in and murder everyone. Thank you.

Because I have faith. You're very kind. And now a quick word from our sponsor. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that we would stop all this role-playing nonsense so that we could get down to brass tacks and nut out which bird is the best bird, then do I have news for you. Shut Up Second is a show by myself, Jackson, Cass, and Zoe, where we, as my dad calls it, embarrass ourselves on a public platform

with our lack of scientific understanding. So if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad isn't answering my calls, then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Shut Up A Second. It's the Velociraptor's turn. They make short work of the tabaxi. Hang on.

Adam. I rolled for them a while. They've been dead for a little bit what uh you guys had your big conversation while you're doing that i was like oh well they're chatting i'll just do the because it's going to be npcs for a little bit so i had the npcs you didn't interrupt us to tell us our only companions are dead so the velociraptors back away from the the bodies of the tabaxi what one of them river mist you see is is her body is quite mangled flask of wine is lying there with a massive gash upon his chest and many small gashes all over his body it looks like he's been through a wood chipper you can see flask of wine's chest slowly rising and falling rising and falling

but very gently the velociraptors slowly close in on you two and the velociraptor that you were still fighting pop continues to nip at you any fear that it had before is now alleviated that its four friends are coming to help i I'm gonna break its fucking neck. So wait, which one's alive? There's one alive fighting you, the badly wounded one. No, which of the tabaxi is still breathing? It looks like flask of wine is still breathing. Is he the one who

Yep. Pop, it's your turn. Hmm. Hmm. Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam. Yes, yes, adam yeah yes yes yes yes yeah marcia marcia marcia marcia i'm gonna run over and try to stabilize flask of wine you'd be running past velociraptors you'd take several attacks of opportunity and there's no guarantee that you'd even save flask of wine at this point you we have to get them. We have to kill them, otherwise they'll kill us and they'll kill her too.

Him. They'll kill him too. I would like to... The one there with me is, like, mortal. Pretty badly wounded, yeah. Tiffany could probably finish that one off. I'm going to charge at the four charging at me and, like, intimidate them as I go.

And let's fight, boys. You barrel forwards. You now only have three attacks because it's. I have had a very bad day. You miss with your first attack. Do I? Wait. Never mind.

Oh, actually, Adam. Yeah. Oh, I've already made my decision. I just saw this card. What does it say? My movement this turn does not provoke attacks of opportunity. You can do that if you want. I'm going to run to Flask of Wine and use this good boy card.

Absolutely. You dart in between the Velociraptors. They are so shocked by your audacious display of sprinting. They think that you're about to attack them. They ready themselves to defend, but you run straight past them. You get to Flask of Wine and you can attempt to stabilize. Can I heal him with a spell, or do I have to stabilize him first? You can heal him with a spell if you want.

What's better? Cure wounds? Wait, let's do restoration, fix his poison. You're not sure what he needs right now. He's got holes in his chest. Yeah. That's a wound. So I imagine it's cure wounds. All right. Can I cure wounds at a level two's got holes in his chest. Yeah. That's a wound. Imagine it's cure wounds. Alright.

Can I cure wounds at a level 2? Yep, you absolutely can. Great. He does care. You close his wounds significantly, but they don't mend completely. He seems still quite awful and sick, and when you put your hands to him, you can

feel that your hands come away with like a slimy, sticky eye core. He's got a sickness about him. He seems awful. That's your turn. But you have saved his life. He's not going to die in the immediate future. We should have gone to a shop before we left town and bought supplies.

Well, that would have been really smart of us. And I guess that's something we've learnt now that we're deep in the forest and have no shops. To be fair, I figured some of the guides would be able to assist us, but two of them fucked off into the woods. One of them is dead. Saving your damn life. We would have survived. Kawashi didn't have to run off after

Cooper Louie. He was his friend. Yeah, you didn't run off after me. Begrudgingly. What? I didn't think i'd get that only because if i don't bring you back i'm not getting paid pop one of the velociraptors rounds on you it launches at you and you flinch for a second you're expecting to feel nothing but teeth. Instead, hot blood washes over you. A creature is standing in front of you and it has lopped the velociraptor's head off. You see this kindly gentleman here, this happy chappy.

Dragon bait? Yes. Okay, that looks like, let's see if we can describe this. A wise cone-headed dinosaur who's got a that's it yeah a slight a slight hunch but is humanoid yeah the creature whose name you do not know turns to you pop and gives you a very determined look like an assuring look he stands in between you and the velociraptors another one launches and he swipes at that one, lobbing that one's head off as well. His sword, as he swings it,

you see it has a gleam to it through the thick rain and fog that is pervading the jungle. You can tell that there's a magical nature to the sword. He kills a second one of them. Also, you didn't see me run over to save a flask of wine.

No, no you didn't No I did not No, I must know about your soft interior I know you're squishy inside Oh, but I don't know that Oh my god, and you would not tell me I hope you tell me I hope flask of wine tells me

I'm never going to fight now. Tiffany, two arrows strike each of the last two velociraptors and they go down. A human walks out, obviously coming from the same direction as the first creature. Ah, a standard guy. Excuse me. I think what you meant to say was a very hot guy. He's a good looking man.

He's babing. Yeah. He's got like a Aragorn sort of nature to him, right? He does look a bit like Aragorn, but buff. I'm going to climb him like a pole. He walks out as well. Ride him off into the sunset. You see him lowering his longbow as he does so.

Encounter over. Let me deal out some experience for you boys. You both get 550 experience points for that entire encounter. That was good. Getting stronger. Hello there, he says, the human says. You looked like you were in trouble.

I'm sorry. I hope we weren't intruding on anything. They were definitely attacking you, weren't they? No, we were having them over for cake and biscuits. What? What? What? Can you not see your friend? The human lights a torch, and Pop comes into view.

I get it. Thanks. You're very welcome. I sort of, like, my body sort of goes to run and hug you, but I'm like, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, I won't like that. My name is Arta Simber, and this is my companion, Dragonbait. Dragonbait bows.

Standing so near him, Pop, you can smell... He shit himself. You can smell tar. I don't comment. Oh, yes, good point, Dragonbait. Your companions, quickly, we must tend to them. That one's beyond help. I've tried to stabilize this one as best as I can.

Artus kneels down next to Rivermist and closes her eyes. And then he, actually, no, wait, Dragonbait walks over to Flask of Wine. And you can see Dragonbait tending to Flask of Wine. Artus stands back up. Did you see a man and a vegetable run off into the woods? No, we didn't. I just heard the sounds of, well, frost giants, I have to assume they were.

I'm terribly sorry. Did they give you trouble, hurt your friends? Our friends ran off after them. Well, one got chased out and the other one chased the other out. That's awful news. I'm so sorry to hear that. Thank you. You're on, Horns.

You can see Arthas has, like, a lot of genuine sadness to him. Tiffany, you can see there's something more. Like, he feels very personally upset by this. Are you okay? Yes, I'm fine. I'll be fine. by this. Are you okay? Yes, I'm fine. I'll be fine. You two, are you fine? I'm all right at all.

Are you all right? I'm fairly hurt, but I'll be right. What's wrong? Nothing in particular. You can't make anything more of that. Artists and dragon bait tend to your wounds as best they can. Neither of them are clerics, so they can only bandage your wounds. Thank you.

I cure wounds, Tiffany. Level one spell. Thank you. I don't make eye contact. I use a Thermiturgy cantrip to make my face glow with joy at you. Tiffany, you recover five hit points. And I'm just not looking. That's all my spells

for the day, too, because I didn't have a proper rest. When you finish this rest, you'll get everything back. Great. And you'll also be able to roll for more hit points. Oh, that's right, Meatgrinder. You might want to heal yourself a little bit, actually. Maybe use another first level spell. I can't. You've only used two by my little bit, actually. Maybe use another first level spell. I can't. You've only used two by my...

I cured the Koopa Louie's wounds or someone's wounds in the first fight against the plant. And then I didn't go to bed. I used Cure Loons as a level two spell, which is two slots. Yeah. And then I can only do one more. You've got four first level and two second level. Oh, so I've actually got heaps left. Yeah, you've only used half of your magic.

Literally half of your magic so far. Okay, well then I'll cure wounds on me too. All right, just regular cure wounds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You recover another seven hit points. Artus and Dragonbait do their best to bandage your wounds and such like that. As they're doing so, Dragonbait wanders over to Artus and Dragonbait do their best to bandage your wounds and such like that. As they're doing so, Dragonbait wanders over to Artus. And if anyone's standing close enough, you can smell first baked bread, then roses, violets, and then back to roses.

Can I smell that? Yeah, if you're standing close enough oh our artist nods along as if he understands something what's that your your friend he's the surviving friend i'm so sorry but uh he's not very he's very poorly what's wrong with him some affliction of the jungle when uh dragon bait unfortunately is not an expert but um well uh well perhaps then you would like to have a look detect detect poison and disease he detects as having a poison or disease oh can i find out what You identify it as red fever. You've got red fever.

What's that? Red fever is characterized by unconsciousness and weakness. It's categorized by unconsciousness and weakness. It's the sort of thing where he'll either just get better or he won't. It's the sort of thing where he'll either just get better or he won't. A particularly powerful cleric might be able to help him, but if he's going to die of it, you don't have enough time to get him back to town anyway. He's a bit fucked.

Oh. Can my lesser restoration do anything for him? You can use lesser restoration to cure him, yes. Adam, I'd like to use lesser restoration to cure him. Alright. Using the last of your spells, you cure him. Flask of wine's eyes slowly flutter open and he shifts, maybe moaning a little bit. This is normal.

He's recovering. He'll be fine, but it's going to take him some time to properly recover from his wounds. He might be out of action for at least a day, but he'll survive. All right. What are you two doing in the jungle uh why do you smell so nice that would be my friend dragon bait he does not communicate as you or i might he has um we get rid of one non-verbal companion and we gain another non-verbal companion his uh natural language is a series of clicks and whistles

too high-pitched for us to understand, or for humans or any of our ilk to certainly understand. He must communicate, well, his race also communicate through scent, and so he basically, well, because we can't hear what he's saying, we have to smell what he's saying. He also apparently needs to shout the the scent this is not as as uh smelly as he might usually be but for us to detect it he has to shout his scent satos right oh if you want i could give you a handy um

a handy list of just some basic ones? Yes, please, if you'll be sticking around. Oh, all right. Why are you in the jungle? We're going to... We're just heading up the rivers away, looking for some bits and pieces, adventurous. You know, that's what we do. Come, come now.

I've saved your life. Surely you must afford me some level of trust. Hang on a minute, you didn't tell me why you were in a jungle. I, well, I have also come here for quite personal reasons. I'm, um... You go first, and then I'll decide if I feel like going second. Tell you what, then. We'll make a deal.

If I tell you, you must tell me. I don't know. I'll take it on your honor. My honor? I've got lots of that. I am here for my beloved, Alessandra. She and I were husband and wife quite a long time ago. She was lost out here in the jungle some time ago.

I had hoped that she would return on her own, but she has not. So I've come here to seek her our dragon bait here was just casually I suppose wandering around port nyanzaru to the north do you know port nyanzaru? we're familiar he was wandering around there

we got to talking I suppose and we became fast friends and he decided that he's going to help me dragon bait nods It smells like gum nuts Right now he smells like Hang on I can tell you what he smells like

There's a long list of different scenarios and what he would smell like He smells like wood smoke Is that an affirmative smell? Who do you ask? Are you saying that out loud? Well, we did ask for the list Oh, well, of course, of course. So a handy go-to guide is Brimstone, if he's confused.

Yes. I'll try to keep this short because there's quite a list. Lemon is pleasure or joy. Sorry. It's okay. Just alone in his tent and everything just smells like lemons. What the fuck are you doing in there, dragon bite? Nothing.

Violets is danger or fear. Wood smoke is devotion or piety. Oh. That's quite intense. That's not just a yes. That's a... It's more complicated than that. This is like if I were to shout something at you,

you would only get across the basic tenet of my timbre. Do you understand? Yeah, all right. If I were to yell, I love you, it would be a lot more intense than if I just said I love you. You know what I mean? Sure. This is his equivalent of shouting.

People have yelled at me a lot. Yeah, I understand what you mean. And ham is nervousness or worry oh that's the best one uh it gets more uh there's more complications than that but i'm sure we can learn them as we go i don't want you writing them all down now it feels like it would take too long out of the game. Yeah. We'll trust you to explain to us. And handwriting, not a great audio medium thing.

Yeah, it's probably not. So, once again, my name is Artus Simba. This is my companion, Dragonbait, who is along for the ride as a friendship, a token of friendship.

We've become fast friends. We met at Port Nyanzaru and I'm here for my beloved Alessandra right so nice to meet you and please

nice to meet you too he shakes your hand and please I shake his hand but I do not want to and please your story

I'm Pop Mandarin I'm an archaeologist I'm with her alright and who are you by any chance my name's Tiffany like a gentleman I'm an archaeologist. I'm with her. All right. And who are you, by any chance? My name's Tiffany. Like a gentleman, Artais bows and kisses your hand.

Thank you. We're here to retrieve a special item. Uh-huh. special item we have to help a someone by getting Do you need a reminder of why you're here? No, getting an amulet, yeah, for the golem. Yes, that's why you're here. Well, that's why you're

here in the desert, sorry, the jungle right now, but you're also there's like a larger plan if you don't recall. We're getting the amulet to get the golem, to trade the golem for the things that'll help us stop the Death Eater, or whatever it's called. So, if you remember, Lady Watcher, back in Port Nyanzara,

wanted to resurrect her husband. Who the fuck's Lady Watcher? Lady Ware. Oh, Lady Watcher. Sorry, I'm thinking of... From Dick Ware, Unky Dick. Yeah, Lady Ware, sorry. I'm thinking of Curse of Strahd with the delightful Jackson and Zamet.

Oh, yeah, Curse of Strahd were not delightful, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're better than them. No, he's going to hear it and fire us all. No, he wouldn't. It'll be worth it, though. There's some affliction upon the world where people who have died cannot be brought back to life. Oh, no.

Yeah. And there's a big thing that's eating souls. Soul eater. Soul. Soul monger. Soul monger. Yes. We're going to destroy that.

And to destroy that, we need to get the thing from the man. Yeah. Believed to be somewhere here in the jungles of Chult. And Lady Ware will fund basically anything you want or give you just a lot of money, I suppose, in your place, Pop, in exchange for destroying it and helping her bring her husband back. So do you describe that as well? No. Not that part.

You're barely describing the amulet. Yeah. Oh, because you seem really guarded, but I don't want to be rude to the new friend but i don't want to do anything wrong by you we're just fetching something that someone needs for them you seem uh in general distress is there anything i can do to help well which direction are you heading where are you going uh i'm not going to lie. Myself and my companion here, Dragonbait, we're not really very familiar, either one of us, with Chult.

We didn't want to hire a guide because we knew we'd be staying here for quite some time, an extended period. We're not familiar with anything around here. We just thought we'd strike out and start searching in likely places, places that we knew of and such. Well, you see. If you're going anywhere in the jungle, we'd happily companion around with you.

That would be wonderful. I mean, we've got. Safety in numbers. Of course. And we've got a flask of wine. A flask of wine is a guide. All flask of wine is really requiring is that we share our loot. And we're not too fussed about loot at all, if you're not.

I mean, we could renegotiate that deal, just, you know, save your life, probably don't have to give you half or nothing. That's more to myself than anyone. Artists nods slowly, pop, but doesn't say anything. If you'd like to come with us, that would be great. I'd be... Of course....joyous. Yeah come with us, that would be great. I'd be- Of course. Joyous.

Yeah, joyous. All right, then. Well, I suppose you were going to keep in for the night still, weren't you? Oh, I'm so tired. Yeah. All right. I'll take first watch. Okay, then.

Okay. That seems fair enough. Hopefully your friends return before the night is through. I hope so. Yeah. Friends return before the night is through. I hope so. Yeah, friends. I do just as much. I'm so sorry for them.

Thank you. Have you... Have I what? No, never mind. Heard of them before? No, I was... What were you going to say, Cass? I was going to be like, have you lost someone? Yes.

Yes, he has. He's lost someone in the jungle. That's probably why he was so upset when we lost our friends in the jungle. Oh, yes. He's lost his book. When he says, and I'm not going to ask him because Pop doesn't actually care. But you're curious about when he says my beloved? Well, I'm curious more about what he means by a long time ago.

How long has she been missing in the fucking jungle? Yeah, how long did he wait to go find her? That's a day two question. That's not a pop Mandarin question. How long has artist Simba's beloved been lost? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Shot. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at Sands Pants Radio,

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