D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #7 Chwinga

Episode Date: August 31, 2019

Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/Theme music by the wonderfully talented by Mia (AtomicCupcakes).Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: https://twitter.com/DnDisforNerdsWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: https://twitter.com/RetroArchetypeCass: https://twitter.com/CassCassPaigeTom: https://twitter.com/AwkwardTreed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. Turn that smile upside down. Hello and welcome to Season 1, Episode 7 of Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chult. If not this time, then the last. I want, I want, before you go, before you light it up. Yeah? Tomorrow, if the weather is as bad as it was today, we're not going anywhere, because you're useless if you're dying every time we walk 10 meters. Cooper Louis puts out a hand up to stay you.

To get you to stand still. And then turns and sprints into the jungle. There you are! We've like lost two people. And I feel like these two guys are very close to dying. It's the velociraptor's turn. They make short work of the tabaxi. Hang on.

Adam. I rolled for them a while. They've been dead for a little bit. Hot blood washes over you. A creature is standing in front of you, and it has lopped the Velociraptor's head off. Two arrows strike each of the last two Velociraptors, and they go down.

Yes, he has. He's lost someone in the jungle. That's probably why he was so upset when we lost our friends in the jungle. After a very rough night, you finish your long rest, so you are completely rested. And full hit points.

Unfortunately, I want to slowly eat away at your hit points. There's nothing that I like more. You've slowly eaten away at your hit points. There's nothing that I like more. You've slowly eaten away at our fucking team. Yeah. And by slowly, I mean suddenly and very abruptly on night three. You halved it. But he then gave us two more. Yeah, to make it seem like he's good.

Tiffany, you're on two levels of exhaustion. Pop, you're on one. Why am I still on two levels? You only recover one a night? Yeah. We had some on the first day. Is it a nice day now? Can we keep it going?

That's a very good question. Over the course of the night, the weather has improved. Oh, thanks goodness. It's a clear enough day. How's Flask? Is he awake? Flask is awake but not talking. He's just looking at each of you in turn i go up hang on no flask of wine still has both his paws i go up and take one of his paws and say

i'm so sorry he just sighs that's fair i just stay and hold his paw for as long as we can before we move again. He holds your paw as well. But eventually, Dragonbait puts a hand on your back. You smell... I love this. Roses. Ooh. What does this mean? Oh, roses, that typically means sadness.

Oh. I use my other hand to hold Dragonbait's hand. Dragonbait's hand is kind of like a we need to go sort of gesture. Like he's lifting you up and steering you. Oh. Okay. I go. I go.

All right. Is Flask of Wine still leading us? No, Flask of Wine can't. But you know that you need to just keep heading down the river. With the map, you can kind of lead the way. Flask wine will not be able to lead but someone so someone else will need to holy shit flask of wine doesn't wasn't the guide it was river mist flask of wine is also the guide but he can't do that today he's a still a bit out fuckled fucking get him sorry you can try to get him to do it but he he'd get some pretty hefty bonuses.

Oh, penalties, sorry. Did you say fuckled? Yeah, fuckled. Could I intimidate him to do it? You could, yeah? Absolutely. Pop's not that bad. You don't even need to intimidate.

If you just harangued him about it, he'd get over his fuckling. No, we'll just follow our way down the... I... I believe I'm familiar enough with the river that I could get us in for a little bit. You just need to follow the river. It's not hard. Let's go then. And yet.

No. Yeah, you're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. That becomes less fine every time you say fine. That's the thing, yeah? Yeah. I know what you mean. Yeah. Yeah. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. That becomes less fine every time you say fine.

That's the thing, yeah? Yeah. I know what you mean. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Six. Six. Six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six. You have an uneventful day riding down the river. Can we go to sleep again? Can we just have a good night's sleep?

Yeah, you can. If it's uneventful, can we just go to bed? Can this just be a nice day? Can nothing happen? Can we just go to sleep? I'll take first watchventful can we just go to bed can this just be a nice day can nothing happen can we just go to sleep i'll take first watch okay let's go to bed nothing's happening we're just gonna bed all right you pull up along the beach you set up is there any conversation you'd like to have with artists over the course of the day no no no i want to have a nothing day i want want to go to sleep. All right. Well, he will happily chat with you guys.

He just makes small talk. Okay. Okay. Is he nice? Yeah, he's pleasant. Sick. He's quite nice. That's good.

We'll be friends. Do you share intimate details of your past far too quickly? Not today. Look at you being slightly better than normal. Oh, no, actually. If he asks, then yes. What did he ask Adam? He just keeps it to small talk.

He doesn't want to press any issue. Okay. Asking about the weather and such? Yeah. I keep it to the smallest talk possible. Single word answers. Okay. Adam, why did you say okay like that?

Pretty quickly, Artis stops asking you questions. If he can tell that you are not interested to talk to him, adam why did you say okay like that pretty quickly artist stops asking you questions if he if he can tell that you are not interested to talk to him he doesn't he doesn't want to bother you pop feels satisfaction for the first time in this whole fucking quest someone gets it so towards the end of uh your watch the sun is, set a little while ago. You're just listening to the sounds of the forest or the jungle or whatever. And you're casually looking at a pile of ants that you've camped nearby.

You watch as they struggle to get half a rotting-looking papaya fruit of some variety into their nest. You chuckle to yourself. Stupid ants. Fucking look at them. Can't carry a bit of fruit. You chuckle to yourself because they're trying to get a piece of fruit way too big into a

hole way too small. They're just like, bank, bank, bank, bank. It won't get in. Dumb ants. I'm a lot smarter than fucking ants. Eventually, the ants work it out and they start widening the hole to get the papaya fruit in. And as they slide it in, you hear a slight rustling from somewhere above you.

Casually, not even really thinking about it, you look up and you find yourself, like, your brain isn't really registering what you're looking at for a full, like, ten seconds. It's this boy on the left. Oh, my God. The jaguar with snakes. Yes. Jaguar Medusa. Oh. Jagdusa.

What's it called? A jackulee. A jackuleuar, Medusa. Oh. Jagdusa. What's it called? Jaguli. Jaguli? Jaguli. Jaguli. Jagulo. If you've not seen one, imagine you had... Is that a cheetah or a leopard?

Jaguar. That's a leopard. Right? Isn't it a jaguar? It's called a jaguar. Jaguars, do they have spots? Yeah. Oh.

They're the three spots. There are four animals with spots. Leopards, cheetahs, jaguars, panthers. But you can't see panther spots because they're all black. Did you know panthers are actually just a type? Panthers are not like their own separate animal. They're just a type of... Jaguar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're all black black so you can't see spots that's insane yeah i remember reading about i think it was like they're uh through misclassification or whatever there's like multiple names for different kinds of i guess jaguar if that's the name at lake panther oh wow this would be better if i had facts but yeah there's lots of names and they're all just ended up being one animal I remember it was like in one of the Guinness Book of Records I had as a kid It's like the animal with the most names But what this one looks like is a jaguar

A spotted one that looks a bit, I guess, leopardy or cheatery And if you were to put a collar on it Around that spot on its neck It just has snakes coming out In a line So like if you had a studded collar It's like a lion's mane of snakes spot on its neck, it just has snakes coming out in a line. So, like, if you had a studded collar. It's like a lion's mane of snakes.

Yeah, but it's only in one line. So, if you had a studded collar, where all the studs are is where a snake's coming out. That's a way better example. So, it launches itself at you and lands on you and starts tearing into you and it tears your face open. You big fucking cock fuck. Actually, you have trouble talking. You know what I'm doing. You have a big split lip.

Any spell you cast has a 50-50 chance of failing. Because you can't talk properly. Okay. Tiffany, you are awoken when another one lands on top of you and is tearing at your bed sheets. One fucking night, Adam. I'm a stinker. So, you actually don't a stinker. So, you actually don't take any damage,

Tiffany, shockingly. Yeah, your bed protects your life. Anyway, we're going to initiative. It's their turn, unfortunately. Damn it. One of them. Gee, hang on. My face is fucked. It's got a big old... I'm already missing an... Did my glass eye fall out? It's not a glass fucked. It's got a big old-

I'm already missing a- Did my glass eye fall out? It's not a glass eye. It's a real eye. It's a basilisk's eye. Yes. Yes, it does. Damn it!

The jaculi have a very bad round. The one on top of you, Pop tries to slash at you, but you push- You grab its chest and push it up, and it's like, you know, in this schoolyard when you hold the kid back with your hand and he hasn't got enough arm length to swing back at you. You're doing that, but with a raging animal. The snakes aren't long. You're bugging off my face. And Tiffany, the one on top of you, you spring out of bed in shock

and it rolling on the ground critically fails. It has disadvantage on attacks for the next eight rounds, which will probably functionally be the rest of this fight. Pop, it's your turn. I want to tie the snakes together in a knot. You can try to do that, but how successful you are is another matter. Would that be a skill or an attack? Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, no. Oh, I'm so sorry. I fucked up. You're not fighting the tiger thing. You're fighting the snake thing on the other page. People at home have probably been yelling at me for some time now. So what is that thing on the other side? The boy on the other side is called a Camadan.

Wait, wait. The thing that looks like a jaguar is not the jaguli. Yeah. It's the snake. Correct. The jaguli is this weird ass snake looking fucker. Did it still fuck up my face? Yeah, it still fucked up your face.

I'm sorry. Oh, here's the pronunciation for it. Jakuli. Ah, Jakuli. A Jakuli is a 15-foot-long snake that can alter the color and texture of its scales to camouflage itself, altering its appearance to resemble... This is all... You're saying this.

You can't help yourself. Altering its appearance to resemble wood or stone. It coils around pillars and tree trunks from which it launches itself like a javelin, striking with great force and accuracy. Jakulis are found in damp climates and their preferred habitats are rainforests and cool dungeons. The shed skin of the Jakuli is coveted for its use in crafting boots of striding and springing and cloaks of invisibility. Ooh. Yeah, fun fact.

Anyway, it's very good. It's your turn, Pop. Well, then, in that case, Adam, you grab the snake and just shake it, snapping its neck. I'd like to try to pretzel the snake. Sure. I'm going to turn you into a fucking pretzel. I'm turning you into a fucking pretzel. My face.

Ooh, no. Is it a skill or an attack, Adam? It's an attack. Can I get advantage? Yes, that would help. Yes. You better spend that. All right.

You hit it three times, not getting a critical fail ever. Who said anything about that? You will deal. Actually, I hit it four times, Adam. That's correct. Dealing an extra D8 damage on that attack. Yes, you do hit it four times, Adam. That's correct. Dealing an extra D8 damage on that attack. Yes, you do hit it four times. You'll deal 15, 20 plus a D8.

You deal... You tie the snake in a pretzel, but it starts halfway through your pretzel. It starts losing structural integrity. You're pulling it and tearing its skin exposing bone and when you give the final yank to turn it into a pretzel it's it's got its uh spine just starts collapsing and twisting in on itself its own spasms make the knot worse and worse and worse which makes the pain worse which makes the spasms worse. Eventually, you drop the jaculi, and it spasms itself to death in the ground, on the ground.

That's what I'm going to get for coming out of my face. Tiffany, it's your turn. I would like to cast sleep on this. Have I seen what's just happened? Yes. I would like to cast sleep on this snake. On the snake that I've just killed? No, on mine, with the intent to carry it over to you

to have you just tie it in a knot again. What a way to die. Don't you know what I love? That's you like, being nice. And I'm like, I'll gift. I'll accept that present. Thank you. Yeah, no, tie it in a knot for me. I will.

Alright, I just need to roll 5d8. Where am I going to get 5d8 from? If only I had dice. You're all dice. Don't be rude. All dice, no slice. 16. Alright, yep, it falls asleep. You hand it to Pop. Pop,

you kill it. You tie it to death. Artists and Dragonbait probably don't approve of such a gruesome method of destruction, but they don't say anything. My fucking face. I'm going to go find the basilisk guy. All right. Even though Pop does have a spare. You don't know I've got a spare. Oh.

Never mind. What? I go find the only eye he has. You do so. Here you go. By the time she's gone back finding it, I've put the spare in. All right. If you want to do that without.

All right. Hang on. Yep. No, you surreptitiously slide the other one in. But I take that one back and just put it back in my things. What? What? My...

I'm going to have to do... Hang on. Cure wounds my face. You just a regular cure wounds? Yeah. You recover six hit points. In my face, bear. Oh, you can talk proper now.

Oh, that is a 50-50 chance of failing. Odds are evens. Evens. You're curious. Oh, that is a 50-50 chance of failing. Odds or evens? Evens. You're curious. Why did it have a 50-50? Oh, because of... Yeah, the split lip was preventing you from healing yourself, necessarily.

Oh, boy. That was a very funny tense moment for you guys. Thanks for the eye. You're welcome. Where did you... Sorry. Do you think I'm a fucking fool that will go out on adventure with our backup eye get a fucking good boy card fuck yes that's great also i think uh earlier i just remembered uh tiffany you rolled a 20 and i didn't give you a good boy card so get a good boy card good good boy good boy gas thank you for the eye and the snake thank thank thank you um back to bed the rest of the night is uneventful because for

some fucking reason it only ever happens on your watch and i don't know fucking why i should stop going first and go like third and just see See if it follows you? Well, you rest. Fine. So, that's good news, right? Yeah, it's always good news. We're always happy. You have a lovely night. You, Tiffany, are still on one level of exhaustion, but you're fine

otherwise. Okay. While the other guys are getting organised, I'm just going to pull you aside. Yes. And I just have a, not an infernal, just a quiet one. Okay. I'm wagering the old dragon boy might speak infernal. Don't know, though. No, they're.

Likely. That's fair. What do you make of them? They seem really nice. Yeah, I know. Fucking don't like nice people. Well, they've already saved our lives. Yeah, I know

Now we owe them Well yeah they saved our lives I mean all we need to really do is just Take them around They don't have any idea where they're going So we bring them along They're just an extra set of hands to defend us I think it's good

Do you reckon You could convince the cat to lead the expedition today? Well, it depends on how he's feeling He's been through a lot I mean, I'll talk to him, of course Good, and you're alright? Yeah Good

I've had a lot worse happen, so You've had a lot worse? Yeah I suppose, yeah I watched my dad die Yeah, no, they were saying, yeah, yeah, okay I mean, I don't know, it gets to a point where I guess it kind of feels like everyone I get close to dies, which makes me really scared for you because maybe it's my fault.

I'll be fine. I don't think your presence is going to lead to my death. It's going to take a lot more than that to knock me off. I'm really glad to hear. Yeah, all right. Steady on. Thank you. Nah, this is uncomfortable now.

I'm going to walk over here. I'll speak to Flask. As you're sailing down the river. Are we convinced Flask to lead us again? Oh, yeah. No, you don't need to convince him. He's feeling better again today, so he can lead you guys. Okay.

I go and speak to him just to say, I'm glad you're feeling better, and I hold his hand for a bit. He does not want to hold your hand anymore. He seems a bit distant when he says, I wish only to do this, then I want to return to Port Nyanzaro. Okay. Well, whatever you need, okay? Wait, he can talk?

Yes. I don't say that because I'm not anywhere near those two. He repeats himself, then catches himself. He looks mortified. Oh, no. Flask of wine. Flask of wine. You see him slowing up and uh in the front canoe and as you you uh uh artists

and dragon bait pull up alongside him he gestures to the side of the river and you can see several figures standing there the figures don't look like uh tribals they look like maybe they've been they've come from port nyanzaru There's, what would it be? It would be six of them in total. One of them is wearing what obviously looks like a priest's robes, priest or priestess's robes. You squint, and you can make out on her tabard the sigil of a unicorn with a horn. You... Yeah, you're both aware of the goddess Myleke. Also referred to as the Forest Queen. The neutral good goddess of autumn, druids, dryads, forests, forest creatures, and rangers. I'm a ranger.

Sorry? Yeah. Yeah. For... um i'm a ranger sorry yeah yeah uh for for you for you pop you might have uh encountered her through like clerics or through a temple or such like that and you you know her to be a very friendly good god uh goddess i should say sorry and uh tiffany you know her as a dead goddess. You have not heard of anyone worshipping Maileke in quite some time. Although you are both from very different places, so that's not necessarily unusual. Yeah. There are also five other people. The people are clad in leather armor and look to be...

Oh, no, they'd also all be wearing sigils on there. Yeah, they all have a sigil, but you don't know what it is. It's a deer with its horns on backwards. Yeah, something like that. They're on the side of the river, and they're obviously trying to flag you down.

Why can't we just go down this fucking river anyway? They need our help. Yeah, I'm aware. If we help them, they'll help us. Well, I understand how it works. We're already paddling toward them. I know. If you pull up near them, one of them, maybe the priestess calls out to you.

Hail, travellers. How are you? We've been better. What are you doing on the side of the river? We are here, members of the Emerald Enclave. You... Give me another check for that. You've never heard of the Emerald Enclave.

We're here to rid the jungle of its undead menace. Right. Slowly cleansing this place of evil. It's an arduous job, but one that we are happy to perform. We saw you passing in your boats and we wanted to flag you down to ask you if you were okay it's uh not not usual to see adventurers this deep into chult we're doing all right we're okay um a bit a bit exhausted but but we're doing okay how are you doing uh we are fair enough we have a outpost not too far from here just a small tree house

basically but it keeps us dry and safe that's cool if it were not for the fact that there are so many of us in total we might ask if you wished to stay the day but unfortunately the the place will not support any more than six i think that's understandable it's kind of you to say so they will mark on your map where their little outpost is if you have any need of us we would be there if you see any undead and you fear you might not be able to handle them please come find us and we will help noted thank you so much you're very welcome i wish we had supplies to trade for but we have only enough for ourselves oh we'd have nothing to trade back but thank you bring it up okay i'm sorry artist seems quite amicable to them he they like chat for a little bit you spend maybe five ten

minutes no probably more than that actually like half an hour just chatting with them it's nice to see some friendly faces and so many of them. There's six in total. This is the largest your group has been in a while, and there's a sense of safety that comes with having so many people in one place. Yeah. Do you know much about the undead that furred down the river? As in, is there any? Where we are right now, if you were to veer not that far south,

the jungle quite quickly gives way to the undead menace, and it would be dangerous to venture into such places. The undead does not get too bad until you get a bit further in, but at some point eventually you could expect to be constantly assailed by them. It's not safe deep into the jungle. You're very clever to to have chosen the rivers they seem to be the safest place to be other than that we know camp righteous not far from here it was established by the order of the gauntlet which you might know as an order of paladins they they also those wankers yeah they came here on a similar mission to us to try and bring order and uh order to chaos and light to darkness but they well camp righteous is like pissing into wind right i guess camp righteous was overrun when i'm not sure exactly what happened there but it is no longer a friendly place if you wanted to you might be able to pick

through the ruins and there might be that something for you, but it is a dangerous task. Good to know. Thank you, ma'am. Thank you. If you think you can clear the place out, Camp Righteous is built around an ancient Cholten shrine, which is made out of hard stone. So it's a good defensible position. Well, I guess the Order of the Gauntlet didn't find it that defensible. But it's certainly stone is better to keep out the dead or anything around here than just standing in a camp.

Fair enough. Thank you for the advice. That's very kind of you. I hope it helps you. We'll see. They ask you if you have any information they might find pertinent. But I don't think you... You either don't have much to share or you don't share much.

What are they asking about specifically, Adam? They ask if you've seen any undead, swarms of them, any large clumpings. No. Just raptors, giants, snakes. Fucking snakes. More raptors. That's about it. More raptors?

Multiple raptors. That's about it. More raptors? Multiple raptors. Yeah. I think I was asleep for one of your dinosaur experiences. Oh, yeah, probably. There was the raptor that jumped onto your boat. Oh, yeah. No, no. No, yeah, no.

Pack of hadrosaurs. You didn't say that. Yeah, that's the one. And they probably also ask where you've been. You just say down the river. If you say anything at all. I don't say anything. You guys can say that. Yeah, that's the one. And they probably also ask where you've been. You just say down the river. If you say anything at all. I don't say anything. You guys can talk.

I'm back in the boat. Every single time someone asks a question to me or you just don't answer, I look at you so like, oh, I hope I don't say anything wrong, and I just give the vaguest thing I can while still trying to be nice to our new friends. Art is very uh talkative he speaks quite openly with them you find that artist has been searching here for quite some time he's been here for maybe a year coming and going from port nyanzaru into the place looking for his beloved well that's what he means by missing a long time. He mentions also in passing. Oh, you walked away.

I'm in a boat. Yeah. Yeah, I've gone back to the boat. Yeah. All right. He mentions in passing a place called Mesro, which, Tiffany, just means nothing to you. All right. Hey, Adam, if I'd have heard that, would it have meant something to me?

Possibly. It would have meant something very possibly important to you, depending how interested you are in artists. Well, if it's... Well, I don't trust him because I don't trust anyone. Yeah, true. If it's just in passing, I probably wouldn't have thought it important. Yeah.

He maybe mentions that his beloved... I keep needing to look up her name. I love that my obstinate refusal to engage in conversation with people is now having a detrimental effect on the knowledge of our party. Yep! Love that! Isn't it

fun playing with me, Kaz? It's actually really nice. I'm having the best time. Me too. He mentions that Alessandra went missing possibly with and at the same time as a place known as Mesro, which you deduce from conversing that it is a city, actually. And now a quick word from our sponsor. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that we would stop all this role-playing nonsense so that we could get down to brass tacks and nut out which bird is the best bird, then do I have news for you.

Shut Up a Second is a show by myself, Jackson, Cass, and Zoe, where we, as my dad calls it, embarrass ourselves on a public platform with our lack of scientific understanding. So if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad isn't answering my calls, then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Shut Up A Second. When having that chat, you see, when he says Mesro, which he went missing at the same time as Mesro, the priestess of Maliki, she has like a really confused expression for a second, but she doesn't say anything. Maybe there is enough weird shit there for you to...

Yeah, well, you did say you'd help. It's the one promise I made. You continue onwards. Yep. While we're in our boat, Pop. Yes? Well, Arta said something about a place called Mesro going missing. Did he mean a city went missing?

going missing did you did he mean a city went missing you are aware of a city once long ago called mesro you don't know much about the place you know it was holy to the tabaxi people and it has it's got some weird tie-in to the god uh ubtau of the the god of chult yeah but other than that you don't really know that much about it. It used to exist somewhere in Chult, but it does no longer. Even with as poor a role as you got, you would still know that it's been gone for quite some time. You may be, however, when you're like, because Ardis is human, you're like, it's been gone for quite some time,

but Ardis is human, so I guess it's not been gone for that long. It's been gone for quite some time, but artists are human, so I guess it's not been gone for that long. It's been gone for ages, you know, but I don't think that's right because artists are bloke and there's no way a bloke could be living for as long as that story says. It's a fairy tale. How long has it been? You just heard a long time. I heard a long time.

For a total of a long time is a long time. That's true. How old are you? Old. Okay. Fuck you two are great. All right. How old am I?

I'm actually not that old. I'm like 30. But I'm 30 in people years, which I think is like 60 in total years, right? No, wait. We didn't know. They just live a while. Yeah, I think turtles live longer than humans. I'm not sure.

We could look it up. I just assume they live as long as Crush, the sea turtle from Finding Nemo. I'm 150, dude. Man, why did I not decide That Pop would talk like Crush That is definitely unfortunate That you didn't yes I'm gonna punch some guys dude let's go Oh actually

Yep reach adulthood by 15 And live an average of 50 years You're quite old for a total You're old enough to have a midlife crisis Hey gee i wonder what led me to becoming an archaeologist running off in the wilderness on my own and never speaking to anybody definitely wasn't a midlife crisis it's very funny to imagine the first 20 25 years of your life you just spent in the field of archaeology but not doing anything then you hit 25 you're like what am i done yeah i've not done anything i Then you hit 25, you're like, what have I done? Yeah. I've not done anything. I'm not leaving a fucking legacy.

I'm halfway through. I'm going to die tomorrow. Get died tomorrow. You're pretty old for a total. You are pretty old. God, imagine if you died of old age on this camp. We go to wake up one morning, Adam's like, ah, pop, you've died.

From what? Old age. You died of old age in a campaign yep so when you reach the uh it was in 3.5 in 3.5 there are three age brackets or four so there's like the prime of your life with oh well when you're not really affected by any modifiers then you hit i think it's yeah middle-aged old and venerable and venerable is like 70 to 80 for a human. And when you hit that age, depending on your race, the dungeon master, the year you turn venerable,

the dungeon master rolls secretly a set of dice to determine how old you're going to be. And I was in just a very long-running campaign, and I naturally died of old age. And when you do that, you can't be resurrected. You can't resurrect someone who died when it was their time. Oh my gosh. So they rolled to figure out how old you'll be when you die.

Yep. So they're like, oh, you're now 80, you'll die at 82. You've got two years. Yeah, I remember we were... Did they tell you this? No. No, they didn't tell you. It just happens.

I remember we were like in a dungeon and the dungeon we like had just finished a fight and the dungeon master was like all right uh adam you sit down and you start feeling a bit faint you clutch at your chest and your heart's beating and we'd completely forgotten it was happening at that point so we thought i was under some magical effect and the cleric's like i cast heal do this and then uh nothing none of that works and then the cleric's like i want to make a heal check or a medicine check or whatever and he makes the check and he's like oh oh you're just dying what a fucking way to go i remember yeah because the dm i think passed him a note or whatever. And I was like, what's the verdict? What's the diagnosis? He's like, it's just your time.

My feelings. It was good. How long were you playing the game for? A little while. I started in the venerable age bracket. So I already knew. I was already playing quite an old character. I started off old.

I just didn't know I had so little time. It's never as long as you think, is it? Oh, what a nice sentiment. Anyway, where were we? You are kipping for the night. Yeah. So, are you taking the first watch again? It's up to you. Yeah, and I'll take the first watch. As curious as I am to see it,

Pop wouldn't take anything but first watch. Fuck off! I'm not even kidding. Only my off. I'm not even kidding. Only my watch? I'm not even kidding. All right, what's this? Oh, my God. Oh, and it's just you.

This is both the best and the worst thing ever. Oh, my goodness. I wonder who it's going to be the best and worst for. I'm so upset. No, what, you're going to be so upset. No, what? You're going to be so upset. What? Oh, Adam.

Adam. So it's the worst for Cash, but good for me. I made a gold monster and it gives me 400 gold. It's your passive perception. Oh, no. Mine. You might miss it. I'm feeling actually dizzy. Oh, no. Mine. You might miss it. I'm feeling actually dizzy.

Oh, my God. All right. So. I've never heard Adam say, I'm actually dizzy in a thing. This is going to be great. It's not going to take anything you need. Wait, what? Am I about to get robbed and not realize?

All right. Remove your hammer. Oh, my God. You just said I'm not about to lose anything i need i fight with that hammer no no no you have also just a hammer like a craftsman's hammer in your equipment if you look you have just a regular old hammer yeah you lose that hammer do i know why nope uh at some point in the night you uh you're like all right i should start setting up my two-person tent you reach in to look for your just the regular craftsman hammer you can't find it but instead you find a pretty shell it's red and blue striped but the stripes are like not even they're

they mix together at some points and stuff like that creating uh purple colors the shell is a spiral in nature and uh in the middle there's like a groove to the middle with ridges in it oh do i have any idea what a shell means nope wait oh maybe Nope. Wait. Ooh, maybe. What the fuck? You've been marked. They found you. I know what these are. Are you really upset that you didn't see it?

Yes! All right. Chewinga is a tiny elemental spirit that lives in plants, rocks, and rivers far from civilization. Painfully shy, Chewingas prefer to move about unseen. If two or more Chewingas live in the same area, each one will take shelter in a different plant, rock, or body of fresh water. Though no two Chewingas look exactly alike, they resemble six-inch tall animated dolls with strange masks spindly limbs and wild hair they're like some studio uh ghibli sort of shit they sound like the little pirates in moana oh my god uh they're adorable question how long have you wanted to see one of those in a campaign

oh since adam told me about them their appearance is sometimes foreshadowed by cool breezes the sweet smell of flowers and dancing fireflies their mere presence makes a natural setting more lush and vibrant humanoid fascination chwing is shun most other creatures but they find the trappings of civilization fascinating. The hammer. They puzzle over creatures that wear armor, carry weapons, use tools, and cook food. When a Chewinger encounters one or more humanoids, its curiosity sometimes gets the better of it, and it shadows those creatures for a short time to observe them. Oh, Cass, it's so beautiful.

And I was too dumb to fucking see it. If it takes a liking to a particular humanoid, a Chewinga might use its cantrips to aid it or might bestow a magical gift before departing. The features that attract a Chewinga to a particular humanoid can vary. In some cases, a Chewinga might simply like the way a humanoid walks or the way it combs its hair. simply like the way a humanoid walks or the way it combs its hair other times it might be smitten by a humanoid's ability to play music or to eat copious amounts of food oh my god elemental nature chawingers sleep but don't require air food or drink they don't have names and have no ability to speak when a chawinger dies it turns into a handful of flower petals, a cloud of pollen, a stone statuette resembling its former self, a marble of smooth stone, or a puddle of fresh water. They are too fucking precious for this world, and I did not deserve to have this encounter.

So, do I know that that's what it is because I've been given the shell? Yeah, you know what the shell means. They often trade things like this. They don't understand how it works. The chewing is like rock, shell. Yeah. They're like, this is how payment works. Hammer, shell.

Does the shell, looking at the shell, can I tell if it'll do anything? Or is it just a pretty shell? It's just a pretty shell. However, I need my Dungeon Master's Guide because Tiffany got a gift. They like me. They like me. got a gift. They like me. They like me. They like me. They like me.

I like to imagine that Pop's just sitting there. Fireflies come out and say, It's a nice night. Better put me tent up. Ready to fucks me hammer. Fucking little gits. Like not a, oh, what an adorable creature, but more of a fucking pain in my ass i can't hammer anything

with this shell i'll be a salad later put it in my belts put it in your belts do not tell anyone oh fuck no no that's no one's business between you and the chewing if you ever see that shell i'll just be like i've've always had that. Found it. Found it in my bag. I must have put it there. Forgot. Just the idea that you'd just specifically lie so I couldn't find out about the magic of the world. Well, it's more just so I don't have to talk to you.

Yeah, it's easier to just fob off. Yeah, I tried to have a conversation and you got very feeling, you're very quick. That's just how I am. Yeah, it's not how I'm wired. In your sleep, Tiffany, you hear just the words of rustling breeze and the words interrupting

whatever dream you were having. Be brave. You have the charm of heroism. This charm allows you to give yourself the benefit of a potion of heroism as an action. Once you do so, the charm vanishes from you. Oh, my God. They gave you bravery.

Adam. Oh, my God. This session started out with you murdering a member of our group, having two people run away. We nearly got killed by velociraptors. I had to talk to people I didn't like, and then, you beautiful magical boy, you just had a real nice time. Chawinga.

They're so cute. They don't speak, they can't make any sound, but I always imagine them shaking their fists in the air going, Chawinga! Chawinga! Chawinga! So I've got a little, it's like a potion of bravery, but just within me. Potion of heroism.

Heroism. Yeah, as the spell. I'll look up what it does. I love them. I was visited by Chowing and all I got was this lousy shell. It didn't want to take anything you needed too much. It knew you had more than one. Do you know what I love is it was like, oh, he's got two hammers.

I'll take the smaller hammer because the big one I wouldn't be able to carry. Maybe it saw you using it in combat. And it wants to... Do you know what I want, Adam? At some point in this campaign, we're sleeping again, and I see a Chewinga trying to be me with a hammer. Just copying my fighting style

with a hammer and a fork. Tiffany, when you use the charm, you will be imbued with bravery for a minute you are immune to being frightened and you gain three temporary hit points at the start of each of your turns for a minute so basically it's like every round you get three free points of damage that you can use that was the night oh that was the best night ever do you like do you realize what's happened to you like that's yeah do i do i know what's happened or do i just know that uh you don't know what chowing is off so oh you're wrong no you don't know what a chowing is you just know

that you've been gifted you've been blessed you are aware that magical creatures can give blessings or gifts like that so you know that something came to you in the night and gave that to you that's exciting adam yeah i know it's not relevant but what did the chewing alike about tiffany uh it's very relevant to you though i would like to know it likes how you talk at length about your profession. I do do that. It's leather working. I like to imagine there are moments where we're rowing down the river and you just start talking about leather.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, all of my small talk so far, when I'm not talking about my very personal history, I talk about leather working, the skills required, the skills I've acquired, how I was the best in town, how I went to school because Dad paid for me to go to school. Speaking of my dad, he's dead. Well, he paid for me to go to school and really it was so that he could get rid of me. But I went away and because I was far from him, I wanted to do him proud. So I worked really, really hard and I became the best that I could get.

And then I came back. Backstory is so tragic. Yeah. but it made me who i am you know and it shaped me into the kind of person that i hope would make dad proud he never seemed to be but i'd still try you know there's still merit in trying your best yeah merit and trying and there's just splashing of patterns the next morning as you guys are getting up, Artus looks at you, Pop, contemplating your shiny shell with maybe a very sour look on your face. And he looks over at you, Tiffany, as you slowly rise and realize that you've been gifted with a charm in the night. He smiles and says, well, it looks like we've had a lovely night, haven't we? And then let me do a quick little check to see the weather.

Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Oh, no. Oh, yes. No. Yes. Yes.

No. Yes. It's raining, but not heavily. Oh, okay. That's okay. You're fine. There's No. Yes. It's raining, but not heavily. Oh, okay. That's okay. You're fine. There's just like clouds. It's like the opposite of that song.

There's not a cloud in the sky. There are several clouds in the sky. There are several crowds in the sky? Yeah. Oh, no. I'm stymied now. Let's crawl on the creva. Let's crawl in the crover. Let's walk in the quay.

I suppose we go down the river and we'll eventually arrive at Camp Righteous, which sounds like it's good for looting but might be dangerous. Which is my middle name. Tom, good for looting, might be dangerous, read. You fool.

Don't blame me, blame my dad. Don't blame me. Blame my dad. Don't blame me. Blame my upbringing. Please stop singing. Encounter! We're at the back, by the way. Those other two dickheads and the cat are up in the front.

Sorry? We're at the back of the party. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Always. There's no encounter. Well, there is an encounter, but you're on the river, so you avoid Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Always. There's no encounter. Well, there is an encounter, but you're on the river,

so you avoid it. Don't worry. It can't swim. All right. What? Can we secretly know? Can we know what it was? No.

Oh. No one has high enough passive perception, I don't think. No, no, but can Tom and Cass know what it was? Can sweet angel friends of Adam? Well, what they were. What?

They. Hey. Hey. Party of unicorns? Hey's what horses eat. You? They. Hey. Hey. Party of unicorns. Hey's what horses eat. You come upon the abandoned riverside camp, strewn with wreckage. The tents are moldy and tattered, and all the permanent structures appear to have burned to the ground. Two intact rowboats are tied off to a shore dock.

boats are tied off to a shore dock. North of the camp is a ridge built into which is an eight foot tall stone statue carved to look like a man with a crocodile on his back. Between the statue's feet is a stone archway

leading to a dark tunnel. To the left of the statue is a crude animal pen with a small panicked bird running around inside it. There are no other signs of life. Do I recognize the crocodile man? You might. Yeah, you know a little bit about this.

I know a little bit about this. What's happening? Where is it? What happened here? Well, that's a bird in a pen and it's upset. Oh. This is an ancient ancient chelten shrine uh local guides you know call this place the house of the crocodile yeah it's just like a local deity a small minor deity

it's a god house for a crocodile god um do we know what happened here we heard rumors about what happened here that lady said something about undead everywhere the order of the gauntlet when they established their camp here they were kind of slapdash with it they didn't really pay a lot of 10 or they were a bit foolhardy a bit overzealous and they came out here without proper supplies and without setting up uh proper watches and such like that an army of hundreds of undead swarmed the camp and there were a few, if any, survivors. Right. Are you going to tell me this? Yeah, I've told you that.

You would know it. You've spoken with the lady. Oh, yeah, you were there when we learned this from the lady. Right. And, you know, the cat man probably told us. He's a cat man. Wee-ba-ba-ba-da-ba. Ba-ba-ba-da-ba.

Wee-ba-ba-ba-da-ba. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Bring me a cat Meow meow meow meow Make him the cattest that I've ever pat Give him some paws that are really soft to touch Don't touch his belly It's just too much Mr. Catman You are a cat

Meow meow meow meow Oh boy Okay okay okay Alright Thank you Adam So that's the map of the local area So we're doing where the boats are Yeah you're coming along the river

There's a couple boats moored already here at the camp. Are they better than our boats? They're larger. They're proper rowboats as opposed to your little canoes. So you could fit four or five people in one of these boats. I think we can upgrade boats. Like I said, there are several tents all about the place. Try to ignore the inside.

This map allows you to see the inside of the structure. But you can look at the outside of the place. Try to ignore the... This map allows you to see the inside of the structure. But you can look at the outside of the structure. Oh my gosh, that's massive. It's quite big. The whole building is the dude. This shrine existed already.

The camp was made around the shrine. You can see some of the still standing tents, but it looks like it looks to be a little bit of chaos. You can also see an animal pen. Yeah. And there was a bird running about in it, some sort of bird. Is it still running about? Do we know what the fuck bird it is?

You only caught glimpses of it. You'd need to get closer to have a look. Right. I guess we pull in. I want to upgrade boats, if it's all right with you. Oh, I think that's a great idea. They're clearly not in use. It feels a bit strange to steal from a shrine, maybe.

Both of you, I believe, as you're pulling your boats up along here, canoes, as you're slowing down and having a look, you can see off to the north, the jungle sort of, this is kind of thinner than the regular jungle. There's obviously clearance for tents and stuff like that. There's not as much, it's not as thick with trees here. But to the north, south, east and west, eventually the trees reclaim the area. And both of you spot to the north, several wooden masks about chest height, but wooden masks, obviously intimidating ones meant for like warfare to wear while you're fighting or something like that.

They're attached to anything? Well, as soon as you see them, they disappear into the foliage. Oh, fuck me. That's ominous. All right, guide. You know anything about anything around here? Flask of Wine shakes his head slowly and says, I do not know much about this camp,

only it was owned by overzealous paladins and such. The camp was long ago been overrun, possibly months ago at this point the shrine itself would be heavily booby trapped but potentially riches within I mean I'm just speaking on my behalf but I find it very hard to resist a dark tomb that may be full of goods and traps

if you think it's worthwhile going through it I think we should I think it would be good to maybe bolster the gold we have. Yeah, right, we need more gold. I think it's a great idea. I haven't thieved in a while, actually. It might be a nice change. Get back to something you love.

Artists Simber and Dragonbait have pulled alongside you as well. Artists Simber has like a, I don't know, describe this expression. Quizzical. If I was going to do a noise with it, it would be. He has like a hesitant expression. Maybe this isn't a good idea face. He has a hesitant expression, but he says nothing.

What's that face for? I'm not a big fan of both pilfering from a god and also I don't know. There just seems to be something odd about this place. I don't know if you noticed, but there were several people to the north. I did notice those people to the north. Are they people? No, you don't.

Oh, well. Yeah. No one knows who they are. Oh, man. Yeah. No one knows who they are. Oh, man. Yeah. No one knows who they are. Can you roll to see if Cooper Louie would have known so I can get frustrated with the fact that he's not here? Cooper Louie would have known.

Oh, you dumb plant. Beautiful, beautiful. Beautiful plant. Bless that cabbage. Well, why don't... I'm just thinking Alright, well if you're reluctant to explore the temple, we

could perhaps begin our explorations of the camp itself. Start small. Work our way up to it, eh? Well, certainly that wouldn't be necessarily too harmful. Let's just keep an eye open, though. We would not be the first people ambushed and killed here.

I'm just going to walk around like nothing's ever happened, like I'm in a fucking Sunday stroll in the garden. I feel it just bears mentioning, just on the off chance, I suppose. If I wanted someone to state the obvious, I would have stated the fucking obvious. I beg your pardon. If you wouldn't mind, perhaps, whilst we go and have a look inside, you could keep guard? Yes, that's...

Just to let us know if anything's coming. Yes, of course. I'll happily stay here and watch. Thank you. What lies ahead in the giant shrine? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chot. Thanks for listening.

If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at Sandspants Radio, then why not subscribe to SandspantsPlus.com. For as little as $5 a month, you can have access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and content. Once again, that's SandspantsPlus.com. Hey there, fellow adventurer. If you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content,

we have just what you need to scratch that itch. D&D is for Nerds Plus, the symbol, not the word, where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to SantsPants Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice and join us on this epic quest of D&D podcast discovery.