D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult I #9 Leather and Artefacts

Episode Date: September 14, 2019

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Sounds Pons Radio. I'm on fire and I think I'm ready to bust a move. Welcome to Season 1, Episode 9 of Zombie Plague Chult. Previously. Worth coming back with a skill, so if there's anything that you ever- Pons, you do this thing where you tell me about the needlessly complex details of your sticky and unfortunate life and i do not require them so he carried crocodile safely on his back across the entire realm of human a journey that lasted many years he also swore in his anger that never again would men and crocodiles be friends and so it has remained to this day You feel something that is not muck and moss beneath your feet give way. You hear a click and then

an axe slashes out of the wall at you. Did you just whisper I love you? I don't know. Get on my fucking shoulders before I make fun of you. I'm legitimately trying. One, two, three. I jump. I jump too. I've not spoken

a word to you. I don't know what to say. Tiffany, you're fine. Pop. Get a good boy card. You're fine. I'm being rewarded for being the fucking worst. Both of you mentally, without saying anything, or maybe saying it at the same time,

you're both like glyph of warding. The glyph before you, flashing now in its activation, you both know the telltale signs of a thunder wave spell oh cool i mean no this is good this is incredibly bad this is gonna sting okay i turn to you and say why like that's the thing i cry in pain is why looking at you pop you will take half damage and you are not going to be thrown away from the door. Tiffany, you will take full damage

and you're going to be thrown away from the door onto the ledge below. Why? Would that help? Yes. Oh, after a skill or attack roll. No, sorry, it's a saving throw only. Fuck.

What about fortuitous circumstance? Because I play that so she doesn't saving throw only. Fuck. What about fortuitous circumstance? Because I play that so she doesn't land and burn. If you play a fortuitous circumstance, she drops on a tile that will not set off the flames, but she still falls. I will play a fortuitous circumstance. Put it in the good boy deck. All right, you're still going to take fall damage

and the thunder damage, though. Cool. But you will not activate the fire damage as well. I like how you yelled why and i just said nothing all right so five points of damage for tiffany oh gosh two points of damage for pop oh actually no no full damage it's only seven feet never mind you're shunted off the edge you hit you land on uh one of the safe tiles and nothing else happens. You only take five points of damage, Tiffany.

You're right, horns. Oh. Flask of wine also fails. Oh, no. Flask of wine. Oh, no. We'll take that five points of damage and also lands on another safe square because you played the fortuitous circumstance.

It's fine. Oh, thanks, Adam. I thought you were going to let me play that so that Tiffany was okay, but then punish me still and make Flask burn Tiffany anyway. All right. Flask, you're right. I am fine. How are you?

I've been better. Flask of wine comically coughs up dark smoke. Everyone climbs back up. What are we doing? I'll be good, smoke. Everyone climbs back up. What are we doing? I'll be good, Tiffany. I, like, stare at you in the eyes, looking heartbroken for about three seconds, climb up and press the first tile we went on. All right.

Are you climbing? Is someone climbing onto someone else's shoulders? She's on my shoulders. Okay. We can reach that from the bottom, can't we? Well, you could. On your tippy toes, you could reach the top one, but on Pop's back, you can't reach the bottom one.

Oh, well, then I just walk up and press it, looking at Pop the whole time. Okay. You press the bottom one? Yeah. Yeah, I'm not pressing any, Adam. All right, then what do you do? Nothing happens.

You press the bottom one. Then I press the second one that Pop did. The second one? Yeah. Yep, so you've gone from the bottom row? Then I press the second one that popped it. The second one? Yep. So you've gone from the bottom row to the second bottom row. Then what? Did you let go of anything? Do you press with the same paw or different paw? Sorry.

I'm thinking of a flask of wine. Same hand, different hand? I was going to press them in sequential order. Okay. Wait, no, this is about teamwork. When you let go of the first one... No, I did specifically say this before. Did you? You said it was about teamwork.

Did I vocalize that before? It was like, we probably need to push them all at the same time. I don't recall hearing that. Because we have to get on each other's shoulders to help it. I'll give you the advantage this time, but you are pressing two right now. Maybe when you've pressed

two, it's occurred to you that there is maybe a problem. Flask, can you climb up and press... Can I reach the one on the third level? The one on the third level is easy to reach. The one on the fourth level will require some difficulty. Flask, get Flask. Flask.

And you scramble up and touch the top lit up tile while I touch the third one. All right. You do so. I don't know why I'm touching it. You get hit by the spell again. Unfortunately, close, but no cigar. You huge fuck. You big fuck.

Can I play another fortuitous circumstance so we don't get burnt as well? Well, let's find out if anyone actually gets thrown first. Oh my god. Flask of wine's going to get thrown. Are you going to use your card for flask of wine? I don't want to. Don't do it. Because he's just an implicitly.

So both of you will take only half damage, which will be three points of damage for both of you. Flask of Wine will take seven points of damage, gets thrown backwards, and if no one's helping him there... Can I try to grab him? No, unfortunately. You need to just stay in place yourself. He lands on not the right tile,

and the bottom level is bathed in fire all right he'll take half damage from this but it's still a lot he's having a bad day he takes sisters dead 21 points of damage half that is uh 10 he takes a further 10 points of damage. He slowly climbs back up. You're right, Flask. He looks dreadful. Perhaps I will wait outside. You stay here.

And whatever half of what we find is yours, that's the deal. And I use Cure Wounds on him. Alright, just as a first level spot? Just as a first level. He recovers seven hit points. He still doesn't look great. Cure Jamor.

Do you know what I hate? Is that Cass isn't disappointed in Tom, but it feels that way. Sorry. So, okay. Knowing that no one got on anyone's shoulders, what are you going to do? We're going to try it again. So, the way we got up was based on the crocodile story, which was about he carried a crocodile forever.

So, Tiffany, you're going to have to get on my shoulders, and we're going to have to press all of them at once. Or do you have to get on mine? You fucking think you're going to be able to carry me on your shoulders? Have you seen the size of me? What's in the story? That's all I'm saying. I just start climbing.

I climb onto you. I stop arguing. Could Tiffany hold me up? Because that would be very funny. Tiffany would struggle. She wouldn't be walking around like you could with her, but she could just with a lot of difficulty and not for very long. All right.

You go to top two. I'll go to bottom two. Press them all. Flask. Don't touch anything. Flask of wine is away. It's well out of the range of this spell. He doesn't want to know about this.

We do them in the right order, but we don't let go. Yep. With a whirring and a clicking sound, the door opens. Oh, fuck. Wordlessly ascend to the next level. Offer a hand to Flask of Wine to help them up.

Oh, Cass, it feels so terrible. The floor of this dusty 40-foot-high, 20-foot-wide chamber is littered with dinosaur bones. Webs stretch from the walls to a 30-foot-tall central pillar, coiled around which is a narrow stone staircase. Its steps covered with dust. Carved into the pillar are reliefs of a man carrying a crocodile. The reliefs follow the stairs to the top of the pillar on which sits a large, beautiful ceramic jug. Do I see your eyes light up? Adam, how nice is this ceramic jug?

It looks nice. It glints. There's like light coming down mystically from somewhere, bathing it, and it glints in my eye. My eyes are lit up, Cass. Oh, how okay am I at the moment to join in on this? No, I just don't say anything. It's going to sound awful, but I've actually forgotten about you and Flask. No, understandable.

All right, then. That's a very nice jug. Adam, is there anything else in the room besides the jug? There's the dinosaur bones all around the place and dust and cobwebs. Other than that, there's not much else. No gold for flask? What do you mean no gold for flask? Because I profited him half of everything in here,

and if the jug's the only thing in here, I don't know. He gets half of it. He doesn't because it's going on a museum. There doesn't appear to be any gold, no. I start rifling through the bones to find a bone that looks about the same size as the jug. Okay, you can do so. Yeah, good work, Owl Wands. Yeah.

All right. What do you reckon? That bone's about the right size? Yeah. Have I found a bone that's about the same size as the jug? How do I go? Yeah, you can find one without too much effort. This one looks right.

Thanks. How are you getting up there? Tightly stairs, I suppose. Okay. I hand you the bone and watch. Who's first? I'm first. You're the only one going up.

Yeah, no one else following me? No. Man, okay. A flask of wine will wander into the room, but he doesn't go onto the stairs. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're in the room. Oh, yeah. We're just not going up the stairs.

I'm going up the stairs to Indiana Jones this fucking joke. At the third step you see beneath you a glyph of warding and then a bolt of lightning bursts out of the step and bathes you in lightning. I get dumb when my eye's on the prize.

It's probably why I'm not a good archaeologist. You'll take half the lightning damage You get artifact sealies I get the artifact sealies Oh it's a precious jug I also turn into a southern woman I do declare Oh it's short a race

That's right that's my daughter's name short a race Is that a colour? You take 9 points of damage Still on the stairs? Third step, wasn't it? Third step up There are How many steps in total?

There's 23 steps in total Just letting you know you're on the third I'd like to try to climb the next But I'm going to skip the 6th and go straight to the 7th Okie dokie Alright, you skip the sixth and go straight to the seventh. Okie dokie. Alright, you skip the sixth, go to the seventh. The tenth, it happens again.

So it didn't happen on the ninth? Nope. Lightning courses through you. Ah, you got a perfect twenty. That doesn't give you a good boy card, but it does mean that you take half damage. You take still a 16, 19, 24, 12 points of damage. I would be. Oh, I'm in trouble. Can I say stop and then try and start flinging bones at the steps?

The steps aren't. You can't with any ease. No, unfortunately. Can I inspect the step that I'm standing on that just electrocuted me? Well, the glyph of warding sigil slowly fades away. Can I inspect, where does the lightning come from, the roof or from the step? It comes from the step. Just the one step, not the whole set of stairs?

Well, no, it bathes a 20-foot radius, so the entire staircase gets bathed in lightning. Gotta think about the crocodile. I go back down, skipping the sixth and the third step. Okay. I think I have to carry someone on my back. Maybe. Carrying someone on your back wouldn't be easy. The staircase isn't designed-

Well, it's not that it's not designed for that. It's just going to be, like, awkward walking around around like that you would need to make a check every round otherwise you might fall off artifacts worth having and not easy um i just got myself no i just got myself to look like the guy who invented this trap adam the trap bows to you. It's Maker. I take the jug. You get it. We leave the shrine. All right. As you leave, you wake up.

Dammit. The lightning knocked me out. We're going to need to try the crocodile thing again. Okay. I look at... Flask of wine doesn't look good. Flask of wine is sick. I wordlessly climb onto your back and say, let's go.

All right, we start climbing the steps. I skip the third one just in case. You can't. Not with someone on your back. Okay, then I just struggle up these stairs. You step onto the third one, you're fine. Nothing happens. You step onto the sixth one, you're fine.

It's all about fucking teamwork. I like how you picked Pop's weakness for a treasure that he really... Oh, no. Pop. Skill roll? Yeah. Did I fail? Yeah.

Do you want a plus D10? Would that help? Yes. Okay, then, Adam. I'd like to play this one. All right. Well, you still rolled a one, so I still do get a bad boy card but um you pass the skill check you both every round need to make an acrobatics check to get up to the top

so it'll take you three rounds to get up okay oh boy second round you're fine you're staggering you're you've got tiffany on your back you're climbing up and it's it's fucking annoying but you're fine so far at least oh you get very close to the top no and then we add a d4 after a skill check that could help you need to roll pretty high all right so on a d4 it's a d4 yeah a skill check? That could help. You'd need to roll pretty high. Alright, so on a d4, it's a d4, you need to get 4. Nothing else will help you. Otherwise, you'll take a tumble.

And you'll take a tumble from near the top. Futuristic circumstance. That's if we fall. Who wants to roll? Cast your d4. You want a 4? Oh my god. Ah, it's a 1 The number down the bottom

Oh That is a confusing die And because it's you that failed Both of you fall Can I use a fortuitous circumstance So we don't get really fucking owned When we fall off the stairs I'll say you fall just a level down

I'll call it a d6 damage for both of you I'll play my last fortuitous circumstance. I had four good boy cards who went into this turn. You take, both of you take six points of damage. Oh, Jesus. Adam, am I below 20? I believe so. Let me double, let me go back to you. You're on

17. Tiffany's on 26. Ladies and gentlemen. Before we go again, I'm going to kill wounds on myself. All right. You recover nine hit points. Oh, my God. You're both on 26.

All right. You can quickly climb onto each other's shoulders, and you can try that again. Yep. All right. Get a good boy card, Pop, and get a good boy card, Tiffany. Oh. We fucking nailed it. We're doing it.

You get to the top. The jug glints with a faint magical aura. Let me get its statistics. We're about to find a jug. It's a mimic. This ceramic jug appears to be able to hold a gallon of liquid and weighs 12 pounds, whether full or empty. Sloshing sounds can be heard within the jug if it is shaken, even if the jug is empty. You can use an action to name one liquid from the table below to cause the jug to produce the chosen liquid.

Magic liquid jug. Afterward, you can uncork the jug as an action and pour the liquid out, up to two gallons per minute. The maximum amount of liquid the jug can produce depends on the liquid you named. Once the jug starts producing a liquid, it can't produce a different one, or more of one that hasn't reached its maximum

until the next one. So basically, once a day, you get X amount of a liquid. How many liquids are there? There are 10 10 you can ask it for acid basic poison beer honey mayonnaise oil i'm sorry hang on hang on hang on hang on hang on mayonnaise zam and i got this item we were both playing tabaxi we're like does it make milk and it doesn't make milk, but it makes mayonnaise. So we got mayonnaise fat. We just kept making it make mayonnaise and we ate the mayonnaise.

Two gallons of mayonnaise. That's amazing. But it only feels like 12 pounds. Yes. This is a good job. That's magic. Oil, vinegar, water, fresh, water, salt, or wine? My God. That is sensational.

It wasn't picked up on my time gathering, but Tom looked at me and said, it belongs in a museum. It does. All right. Any other questions? What's it sitting on? It's sitting on a small pedestal. Look like a pressure pad on this pedestal, Adam.

It might just be. Okay. We've got the bone. You look around. This definitely looks like one of those crumbling shrines that falls apart when you're not doing it right. Just secure my hat real good. I like to imagine you're wearing the right hat, yeah? I wear a straw hat, but I don't wear that hat.

But I still wear a hat. Do we know that the jug always weighs 12 pounds, just from our knowledge about the jug? Yes. Pop knows enough about antiquities to know this. All right, this jug weighs 12 pounds, regardless of whatever's in it. You can ask it to fill itself with up to two gallons of any liquid, acid, honey.

For beer, it's four gallons. It depends on what you're asking for. It depends on what it is, but generally, you can fill this jug with more liquid than it looks like it can contain, and it weighs the same. Maybe put your crowbar into the bone because I don't think the bone will be heavy enough. I don't think so either.

Can I see 12 pounds? You can try to guesstimate 12 pounds, but without a scale, you don't know. Well, that's good because I have a scale, Adam. Do you actually have a scale? Actually, I'm just going to check. You might. It's an item.

I don't. No. Without a scale, you're just gonna check you might it's an item i don't know without a scale you're guesstimating would a leather leather workers tools or thieves tools have a scale no neither of them would have a scale in it you could try to with the thieves tool disarm the trap no guarantees though you might end up setting it off but not necessarily a high chance what's your dexterity you're fairly dexterous, potentially. What can we shove in this bone to make it heavy enough?

We need to put something in it. How heavy do I guesstimate the bone is? Yeah. Depends on the bone. We've picked one up that looks about the same size and shape as... Bone would not weigh the same. Exactly. It'd be way lighter.

Yeah. Sorry, heavier. I mean, way heavier. Kidding. Lighter. Lighter. Absolutely lighter be way lighter. Yeah. Sorry, heavier. I mean, way heavier. Getting lighter. Lighter. Absolutely lighter. Oh, my God. So much lighter.

Well, we can put our crowbars in. I've got one, too. Would the crowbars be heavy enough? Potentially, yeah. I've got the weight listed on the sheet. Does that mean I know how much a crowbar weighs? How much does it weigh? Five pounds.

Yeah, you could guesstimate that. If we put both of our crowbars in, that's around ten, I guess. Yes, I know what the weights are because they're here. We'll take the two crowbars in and I take out a lantern. Okay. Two pounds. All right. We're going to Indiana Jones this bitch.

So we shove the crowbars into the bone. I don't worry about the bone. Into the bone. Shove the crowbars into the lantern. That's 12 pounds. Five, five, lantern, 12. Done. All right. Who's't worry about the bone. Into the bone. Shove the crowbars into the lantern. That's 12 pounds. Five, five, lantern, 12. Done. All right.

Who's going to do the switch? I'm still on the back. So who has the best access? It's, well, either one of you could pick it up. It's on a little pedestal. Oh, actually, no, wait. Maybe it does matter. Hang on.

Let me double check. I was about to say, horns, I want you to lift the jug up. And as you lift the jug up, I'm going to put our weighted contraption. Either member of the rider-carrier team can pick up the jug. Oh. Yep, that's fine. I want you to pick up the jug, so then I can just slide the lantern and the crowbar straight onto the plinth.

What about you put the lantern right at the edge and we just slide? You nearly push me off with the – it's just about weight, right? If it's just about weight, it must need to be slid. All right. That's what I was going to do. I was going to, you know, move it in. I say, okay, I put my hands around the jug and wait till you are pretty much pushing me out and we do it really slowly.

Do it slowly. Do it fast. That's what's what yeah jones would do no that's fine we move it we we i i i listened to you because you said a weirdly veiled thing about how i pushed you off a thing and that stung a little bit pop no one's pop doesn't know how to feel all right you switch them over yeah yeah yeah through pushing and sliding so that the weight is the same. As soon as the jug is off, the crowbars and lantern are on. They're even kind of roughly the same size together. So it even almost works there. You imagine for a brief moment, Pop, that you can see the stonework on the on the plinth shift but then you realize very

quickly that there's no that you're fine there's nothing there you don't need to do this i've been leading you i've been leading you on for the last i want to say 10 minutes uh you just need character pop is like that fucking Adam Is a fucking cunt You just needed to be On each other's shoulders That's all you needed to do Everything else was fine Without

Saying anything So I've realised That there's no need For the pressure pad It's fine Yep No you're fine Tiffany

You've also Kind of clued in on it I used one of my Bad boy cards To make you not know So if that helps That's when you were like maybe you didn't lie.

Yeah. Oh, you tricky boy. That's good. Well played. Well done. Well, we take the crowbars and the lantern back and we go back down the stairs as backpack people. You're fine? Oh, right. You need to roll for that. Sorry, I forget.

Alright. First round fine. Second round fine. Ooh, last round not. But that's just the last few. That's the last couple of stairs, right? As I was about to say. You take a tumble, but you don't fall far enough to take damage, so you're fine. Flask of Wine maybe, like, chuckles a little bit to himself at your last little tumble.

Maybe you're, like, sprinting at the end. You're like, just get off, just get off, just get off, just get off. And you slip at the last moment and take a tumble. Maybe your chin hurts from bumping it, but you're fine. Jesus. Ugh. Well, let's head out. Flask of Wine, you didn't see anything else that you could take? No, there doesn't appear to be anything else. Ugh. Well, let's head out. Floss of Vine, you didn't see anything else that you could take?

No, there doesn't appear to be anything else. Sorry. We'll make sure we find something at the next one, okay? Well, you're also paying me, I suppose. Oh, of course. Of course, of course. Of course. Let's leave.

We leave the shrine. You escape? Ex-scape. Sorry, I meant to say. I don't get that joke. Sorry. So patronizing. We would come out looking like shit, too.

That just reminded me. You come outside. You see Dragon Bait and Simba are... Both of them are covered in blood. There are several... You would not know. All right, both of you would just know them as goblins. But there are in total...

One, two, three, four, eight goblins. So the steps down to the boats, there are goblin corpses all over the joint here. Eight of them in total. Do they have little wooden faces? Yes. They all have little wooden faces. Simber looks you dead in the eyes and says,

Sorry, we had a little bit of trouble. You didn't call out for us, did you? No. Are you okay? We're fine now. Unfortunately, our little devilish friends here attempted to sabotage our boats, partially successfully. Oh. Are we still able to sail in them?

Canoes are broken, and one of the boats is broken, but the other one is fine. There's enough room for all of us, but we only have one boat. We have to share a fucking boat. Yes. That's more to myself than to you. Well, perhaps we should get out of here and find somewhere we can stay for the night uh well i suppose we could just camp by the river this place is as good enough as any but don't think it's dangerous where would you pick that

would be safer the whole jungle is dangerous yeah as you start coming out as well you notice there are a bunch of corpses like dead undead undead, not moving, also dead. What else did you run into? Well, towards the end of the fight, the goblins struck up a little bit of an alarm. I think it was more of a fuck you as a last ditch effort. They just made a lot of

noise that summoned some undead from nearby. I don't think they were in control of the undead, they just made a lot of noise to attract the dead. That sounds like you had an eventful time waiting outside, almost like you were in better off had you not come into the temple with us. Well, look at it this way. If we'd gone into the temple with you, imagine

them waiting out here for us and having destroyed all of our boats. Thank you very much. Thank you very much, Simba. Pop says nothing, but he's put in his place very quietly. I think it's a good idea that you stayed outside, and I think it's a good idea that you stayed outside, and I think it's a good idea that you think we should camp by the river. I think we all need some rest.

I think we should dedicate our time to resting up. That sounds like an excellent idea. I'm very pro that. So, while we're making up camp? Yes. Sorry, one second. I'm going to give you experience for this. Ooh.

Ooh. Yeah. We got hit by a lot of traps. We did. We experienced the world. And all of them would have been avoidable if Pop wasn't an asshole who didn't believe in friendship. Did he learn, though? No.

It's like a sitcom. Everything's the same at the end of the episode. God, so many of these sitcoms is the couple nearly breaking up multiple times. Sitcoms are problematic. Zim-Zim's a problem after all. Zim-Zim isn't a problem after all. Is that what you just sung? Oh, boy.

Go to sleep, you little baby. I thought you were going to say bitch. Me too. Go to sleep, you little bitch. All right. You will both get 550 experience points. We earned that. We did.

We learned some tough lessons about the world, but also about ourselves. Imagine if I'd thrown these- Imagine if you brought the boys in with you. You would have all taken a bunch of damage from traps, then come out, and it would have been fucked. Yeah, we would have died. No boats, no hopes. So we're making camp.

Yeah. Great. Before I go to sleep, I have one last cure wounds for the day. I use it on Tiffany. I pull the jug out. Uh-huh. Because I feel bad a little bit, but only a little bit. Uh-huh.

Horns. Yeah? See this jug? Yeah? This jug is my leather. Oh. Good night. Put the jug back.

So you cast cure wounds Wounds on Tiffany. Tiffany, you will recover 11 hit points. I understand. That is the closest you'll ever get for an apology. He understands me. And now I get to understand him a bit more. Who's taking first watch? Who do you reckon's taking first watch, Adam?

Nothing happens on first watch. Oh, no. Oh, boy? Nothing happens on first watch. Oh, no. My perfect strength is a war boy. Nothing happens at night at all. It's a quiet night. So. Health back, Adam. Yes.

Would like that, please. I'm on 26. I'm at a quarter of what I should be. Oh, I'm 26 too. You're on 37 after the healing and then fully healed after the night. Pop, you recover 23 hit points in the night. You're on 49 out of 84 now. Adam.

Yeah? I'd like to use Cure Wounds as a level two spell in the morning and Cure Wounds myself. Did you use any level two spells yesterday? Yeah, just one, which is a ripe trick. Do you have one other one? I have one, yeah. Alright, so we'll count this as a spell from yesterday. Okay.

So it doesn't take up a spell slot from today. Nice. You recover 12 extra hit points, which still puts you at 61 out of 84, but that's better. That's way better. The night was uneventful. What's the plan now? That's way better. The night was uneventful.

What's the plan now? Wake up in the morning, revel in peace for one to two minutes. We then make our way towards Mbala, which I guess would take us towards... Camp Vengeance? Camp Vengeance. You spend the next day... Oh, wait. Oh, weather. Weather's fine.

Oh, yay Lovely weather Hey, has Cass got no more exhaustion points? And neither do I Because we've now had two days of nice weather and sleeping I think you've been fine for a while Yeah, you've been What do we reckon?

You've both been fine for a while Great So good to know Good to know I love being well I would list it as a hobby, actually What things do you like to do? Be well

I don't know I mean I'm just pretty grateful for my health We're all on a rowboat together now Yep Row row row your boat We're all making friends We're not And now a word from our sponsors

Also hey D&D is fun But if you're wishing that you could hear less of this nerd shit and more of that footy shit then do i have news for you how good's footy is a show by doucher handsome tom and sean carney where they as my dad calls it i wish one of them was my first born son adam so if you like the sound of that or if you want to know why my dad wrote me out of his will then head on down to santspantsradio.com and search for how good's footy i didn't even do that in pop's voice that was just that was just you just meant adam did you destroy the boats to force us all to sit together no i was going to destroy all of them but us i rolled and simba got there like barely in the

nick of time when did you check that as As we were coming out? Oh, no. When you first left to get to... When you grabbed Simba and Dragonbait to go look at the chapel, where you got the little holy symbol, that's when they first came out and started breaking the boats. Yeah. Should have left them there. Yeah.

Oh, boy. Okay. You see, another boat is being pushed out onto the water. The boat has, in total, seven occupants. It's a larger, slightly larger than your boat. Three of whom are just like, look like maybe soldiers or guards or mercenaries of some sort. Three of them are skeletons. And one of them is a wizard in deep red robes with a bald head and tattoos all over

any exposed skin. They look at you. They've just started shoving off. When they see you, they look a bit awkwardly at you, but they don't say anything. It's kind of like they're just trying to ghost you. Pop and Tiffany, both of you have heard of the nefarious and sometimes evil, often evil, wizards of Fae or Thaeans or red wizards. They have many different names. The Giants were looking for a red wizard. Sorry? The Giants were saying, red wizard, where are you? Yes. I remember.

I'm saying, Red Wizard, where are you? Yes. I remember. These people, whoever they are, probably do not have good intentions of anything or anyone. They seem keen to just ignore you. But both of you can feel Arta Simba stiffen a little bit in your boat. It looks like, and Dragonbait actually as well. It looks like Simba and dragonbait maybe maybe are considering starting a fight don't simple i know where they are i know what they do and i understand why you want to get

out of this boat and push them into the river but consider this there are seven of them they've got a wizard we are five some of us fairly injured and we're on the water right now they don't want anything to do with us so we don't want anything to do with them if our paths cross again i promise you simple you can fuck them up please please i I don't speak, because that would be out of tone, but I look at Simba, and I just look at him in the eyes like, yeah, don't, don't, don't, don't, this sounds bad, but just, like, with a look. All right.

I support you. Simba, if you say that, Simba does nothing, and you pull ahead of them. Your boat moves faster than theirs it's wider to accommodate for more people like an hour later the sun begins to set so you think it might be wise to make a camp you're quite close to camp vengeance though if you wanted to you could push through the night it'd only be maybe another three four hours travel it'd be safer to camp there than it would be anywhere else but i would be dangerous to travel through the night as well.

You feel unlucky, Hans. We had a really good rest, didn't we? We're all fine, aren't we? You had a decent one, yeah? Yeah. Why not? Can I have a nap in the boat while they row to see if I recover any hit points or have a little bit of a short nap?

You've been kind of part resting all day, so another little nap. Look, you could if you wanted to roleplay, but it's not going to help you any extra. Fair enough. I have a nap. No, I don't. You can if you want. We keep rowing. Oh, I've 100% rowing with the sickle out because I know that while those wizard dudes didn't do anything there,

they're probably like, you know, they're around. Okay, well, if it's getting sus and dangerous, I might prep my crossbow and just sort of sit at the front of the boat. Is it your weapon of choice, the crossy bee? Yeah, it is now. No, I just have a few.

I've got spells and stuff, but... I've never seen... You've only had to fight once and it was like... Spells. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I may as well get something ready, you know. Yeah. If it looks like I'm helping.

I want to help. This is... I feel like I'm helping more if I get a weapon out because you have one out and I'm like you and I help. But I don't help. You've got your sickle out. Yeah, it's just in case they come for me. Yeah. Oh, I don't know that i help but i don't help you've got your sickle out yeah it's just in case they come for me yeah well i don't know that no you don't i assume not um after you leave the um as soon as the the red wizard of fey is out of sight simber and dragon bait have well a hushed

and silent conversation uh about about what it could mean that the Red Wizards are here and such like that. Simber, at one point, comments saying, do you think perhaps they're after my... And then he just, like, lets that trail off. Do we hear that? Yes. We both hear it?

Yes. After your what, Simple? Actually, no. What's his first name? Artis. After your what, Simple? Actually, no. What's his first name? Artus. After your what, Artus? Artus turns, like, looks back at you and says, we all have our secrets, don't we?

We do, but my secrets aren't going to get you killed. I don't know that that what are you here for because it's not vaughn how do you know it's not vaughn i know the smell of money and i know those who love the smell of money you don't particularly strike me as someone who works only for money i can tell that you well at least your friend is here for something else okay i i my dad died and i really want to get him back and this doing this is the only way i can because i need money i need a lot of money and if we don't do this we won't be able to save him i look at you for reassurances as to whether I can say the other thing.

You don't think we're in it for money. You've seen the way I work. If I was after Vaughn, purely from an archaeological perspective, what would you say to that, Artis? I would say that sounds closer to the truth, but I wouldn't say that was the entire truth. I don't think you're here after the shield guardian at all. I think you're here for something else.

Yeah, what Horn said, her old man. If we don't... If we not... I can't save him unless we have to. I possess, I am in possession of a very powerful magical artifact. Son of a bitch. Adam. Adam.

Is this an amulet of some sort? No, it's no amulet. Oh, okay. Sorry. That's all right. That would be good, though. Yeah, if only. The item's powers are many,

although I'm loathe to use it unless I absolutely must. There is a price to using the magical item. What does it do? It has several different effects. Look, if anything becomes apparently obvious, I'm not a bad man and I have no ill will towards either of you. I'm not going to do anything that would jeopardize you

or put you in harm's way. But know that I can't necessarily trust you either. While I don't want to hurt you, I also feel like possibly I don't want myself to get harmed. So I feel like, at least until I can trust you better, I feel like it's good just that you would know that I have possessed a powerful magical item, and that the

frost giants in the area are keen as a bean to get their hands on it. Potentially, these red wizards are also interested in such an item if they knew I possessed it. And what about Vaughn? Why bring up Vaughn? I just knew that you were after him. Well, no, you said that I'm not after Vaughn.

Well, I knew that you were here searching for Vaughn, but I know that he is not your ultimate goal. There are many difficult ways to get a shield guardian as a companion and familiar, but this would definitely be one of the most difficult. All right. Oh, boy, I'll live with you. I don't necessarily want the shield guardian,

but since learning about the shield guardian's existence, there is no way that I could not give up the opportunity to get my hands on a shield guardian to then be displayed somewhere back home. Such as a museum sure now shield guard is a means to an end and that end is her dad and yeah payday for me i consider myself a quite a good judge of a man i don't want to say necessarily uh quite a good judge of a man. I don't want to say necessarily... Quite a good judge of a man once I've got to know them. I don't know if I know you well enough yet,

but I feel like if I get to know you more, potentially we could come strike an accord where we open up a little bit more. And then perhaps we could assist each other in each other's goals a little bit more. We're both... Look, it's a dangerous jungle here in child and any friendly faces a friendly face you know what i mean unfortunately i do your conversation is interrupted by a scream from the shore you see three figures they're kind of silhouetted hard hard, dark, and hard to make out.

But one of them is kneeling, or not kneeling, is sitting, sorry, with the other one standing over them. And a third one is at the edge of the lake, jumping at the edge of the river, sorry, jumping up and down, waving their arms to try and get your attention. You can see that they obviously appear to be in distress. They're humanoid, possibly humans, elves, something in that variety or shape. Other than that, you can't make out much in the distance. Well, I guess there's a chance to make new friends then.

Certainly. Shall we? Weapons ready, just in case. As you begin to approach, you see three people. Two of them look like maybe archers or scouts of some kind, and the third one looks to be maybe a mage. The third one is the one who's sitting down kneeling, wrapping her arms around her legs and rocking backwards and forwards. She looks distraught and horrible. Her hair is forwards over her face and all three of them look... They've been in the jungle quite obviously for some time now the mage who's rocking backwards and forwards her hair is over her face looks awful sticky mucky split ends all over the place it's just dreadful darling it's dreadful

her clothes look tattered and and ratty as well the one of the scouts the one that is bending over her that scout has like a leather coif that wraps around her head and comes down over her nose she is not really facing you she seems to be tending mostly to the to the sobbing weeping rocking backwards and forwards person on the bank and then the last person who's jumping up and down uh you can only really see she's also wearing a similar coif that kind of obscures the top half of her face but her mouth splits into a smile when she sees that you're coming towards her and she gets more and more frantic trying to hail you down please help us she yells help us all right yes here's. We get close, but not close enough that no one can get in the fucking boat unless we say so, all right?

Okay. Because, yes, they look like they're in distress, but I've been in a lot of jungles and where people look like they're in distress, sometimes they are, and sometimes they will fucking kill you. Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll – can I sort of ready a witch bolt as we're getting closer so they can't tell but it's there?

Sure. Yeah, I just want to have it at the go to shoot off if needed. You can start muttering the spell or whatever, but you still need an action on your turn. Oh, yay. We don't moor. We kind of stay out in the water so that they would have to jump in the water to get to us.

How close do you want to get? Close enough that we can, like, talk to them, but we're not, like, they're not going to be able to just jump into the boat. And basically close enough to get to us, they would need to get in the water first. All right. Like an oar's length from the shore. Yeah.

If you get close enough to speak, the one who's hailing you down says, please, our friend is sick. We need help. What's wrong with your friend? I don't know. I don't understand the diseases of this jungle. Who are you? My name is Barched.

Barched the Wanderer. These are my companions, Daniela and Cassandra. Is Cassandra the one going insane? Yeah. What are you looking at me for? Oh, my God. That's right. That's your name.

This is straight from the book here. Yeah. 100%. The crying girl whose hair is just dreadful darling I didn't even think of that Would you like me to rename her? No It's not from the

Keep it I hope she's a hot mess, let's go I hope she's a hot mess. Let's go. I hope she's sick with something I have. Did I say Cassandra? I'm sorry. Her name is Cass Cass Money Dollar Bills. I feel a shift in the universe, but I don't know the words to describe what I'm feeling.

What are you doing now? Can you cure light wounds from this distance? No, but I can detect poison and disease from 10 feet away in a sphere. 10 feet away? You'd have to get a lot closer. No, 10 meters, 30 feet. Sorry, it's a 30 feet sphere. VSM.

Okay. Can I detect disease on this lady? Yeah, sure. As you sail closer, you cast detect disease. You detect no disease. Poison? Or poison, no. You see no disease or poison.

There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with her as your spell. Okay. She still rocks backwards and forwards, though. Now that you get a little bit closer, you can hear her whimpering. What happened to her? She was bitten by a snake. Something big. I don't know. It came out of the trees. Have you ever seen- I mean- There's no way. There's no snake. Adam, if I say this thing and it is incorrect in terms of the world, just tell me.

Let me know. right, cool. No. There is no way that there is a snake out there that does that to someone and doesn't leave a trace of any kind of poison or disease. Okay. Don't snakes have venom? Yes. Snakes do have venom. I know a bit about snakes.

All right, maybe. You know, whatever. Don't worry about it. But snakes are poisonous, and I detected no poison in that woman's body. Hmm. Um. What are you doing here? We're travelers looking to make our fortune, I suppose.

Please, you need to help us. It's dangerous and dark out. When's your friend's birthday? The 30th of Sundown. Is it an immediate answer? Adam, this is a lie check Yeah, yeah, yeah Hang on, let me just look up

What's this dragon's I mean this person's Oh, that's a good joke They all turn into dragons Um, pretty quick you they look apart from the weirdness of not detecting poison or disease there doesn't seem to be anything necessarily weird they seem genuinely um uh upset and because you're not getting closer she seems to be getting more and more upset. Please, we need your help. I mean, if we all get out at the same time and just defend the boat, I'm sure they can't be.

I've still got my witch bolt ready. I'm sure maybe they need our help. All right, fine. Okay, okay. We're going to come ashore and help you, but please don't be offended if we're a bit slow to do it, okay? We've been attacked a bit. A bit. Don't be offended if we're a bit slow to do it, okay?

We've been attacked a bit. A bit. As you pull up with the boat, the two scouts approach the boat, and the one who's been talking to you this entire time says, Thank you, thank you, thank you. You fours! We tricked you! They turn into sea hags. I fucking told you, horns.

The visage changes almost immediately as... Can we push away in the boat or not? It's already... The rules need to happen. I'm sorry. You were tricked. You couldn't possibly have seen this coming. Not all of us were tricked, Adam. You have no evidence of otherwise.

How did Artus and Dragonbait and the Tabaxi, he just, yeah, he got tricked real easy. If only Cooper Louie was here, he wouldn't be tricked. No, Cooper Louie gets it. No, he wouldn't have. No, he wouldn't have. He was the best. The fact that he used to just, oh. I asked Adam earlier, before we started recording.

I was like, oh, what the fuck? I just showed them a picture of what a sea hag would look like. They look like a dog. They look like if you were like, hey, person on DeviantArt, can you draw me a furry butt as a sea witch? And they would draw that. Do you know what? Do you know what I think it is?

What? It looks like if Okay, have you ever seen that photoshopped image where people were like imagine if horses jaws were like crocodile jaws so they went all the way back to the back of their mouth like us It looks like that if they did the same

treatment to a human. Oh my god Barchad the Wanderer Daniela and Cass Cass money dollar bills all turn into sea hags. As reeds and other types of, like, water plant fall slough off their skin, the illusion fades. Their appearance is horrible. Horrific, you might say. As the ability horrific appearance

God they look fucking horrific Wisdom saving throws from The boys and girls Tiffany you got a 20 so you're fine Oh No no not on saving throws Pop you fail Unless you have something for saving throws

D4 after making a saving throw. Ooh, you rolled a two. What's your bonus? Plus three. Even if you got max, it wouldn't help. A D4? Yeah. Yeah, even if you got max, it wouldn't help.

So, what happens? Well, hang on. Let me roll for everyone else as well. Dragon bait will be fine. Art of Simba. Oh, gets a one. Art of Simba is going to get messed up as well dragon bait will be fine art of simba oh gets a one art of simba is going to get messed up as well and flask of wine passes so for those of you who failed you are frightened as the effect for one minute the creature's horrific appearance is awful it truly truly

terrifies you to your core you have disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls while within the source of your fear, and you can't willingly move closer to them. Oh, my God. I'm all good, though, yeah? Well, that's just the first one. Now you need a roll for the second one, and then you'll need a roll for the third one.

Jesus fucking Christ, this thing is fucking awful. You got a 20 again. Six, six, six, six, six, six. Dragon Bait will pass again, and flask of wine will pass again. Then the third one. You pass again. Yeah. Dragon bait passes again.

Flask of wine passes again. All right. So it's just the two of you. And then we'll go to initiative. I tricked you. I can't believe you fell for this. Gosh. I didn't, Adam.

I can't believe you fell for this. Oh, my God. I did. So all the bonding that Pop and Tiffany have had slid back a lot. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. lot oh no oh yeah oh no yeah yeah i was gonna be like hey i forgave you after that but that's the thing i forgive you you will not forgive me i will probably eventually but i just right now i'm really frustrated because i was like we're not fucking going anywhere near them she's not poisoned by anything she's just trying to rocket her head to see what happened will the sea hags drown our heroes to a watery grave find out next time on once upon a time in zombie plagued chart thanks for listening if you want to help support this show and all the other

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