D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #1 Return to Port Nyanzaru

Episode Date: February 15, 2020

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Sants Pants Radio, coming to you live from the past. Hey, let's talk about it. Let's have that discussion. Who's the best? Sants Pants Radio or Planet Broadcasting? Want to find out? I sure do. I sure hope I pick the right podcast network to work for. Well, on February 20th, we're doing a live Plumbing the Death Star and then pitting Sants Pants against Planet Broadcasting in a game show to end all game shows

hosted by yours truly and Dave Warnicke. And look, this is all very exciting, but it's not the main point of the event. Australia is currently being ravaged by bushfires, and we want to do our part. So all ticket sales will be donated to Wildlife Victoria. So not only will you be able to see two titans of industry go head to head,

you'll also be providing support and relief to the people putting their lives on the line for Australia's wildlife. wildlife head to sanspantsradio.com slash live to grab your tickets asap and come and see if i picked the right network or if i fucked up monumentally welcome to season two episode one of zombie plaguedued Choltz. Previously. Nailed to a tree with her hands above her. Oh, Adam. Oh, no. Adam, you bastard. You see Sister Sias.

Oh, you're such a prick. I clench my jaw. After Artis Simba does it, Bill Waddle joins in. We're filibustering a ghoul. You attempt to distract the Deathlok while Tiffany moves to Sister Syass. Then Dragonbait barrels forwards.

I'm dead. That's sad. Dragonbait's sword, Holy Avenger, flashes through the night. Oh, fuck it. He scores two hits, and Holy Avenger's extra damage against Undead comes in handy yes dragon bait yeah wait it's just not is that is he dead uh yeah the death lock is destroyed by the npcs

but nonetheless hey that was easy why were we worried i don't know i'm dead zombies cannot penetrate the walls without an intelligent mind behind them we And we've got Vaughn. I stare at you being like, oh, God, here we go. And when you apologize, I stare at you for a full minute. I don't blink. Flask of wine. He no longer has a nose. He tragically can no longer smell. No.

He can't communicate with Dragonbite at all. Oh, no. True. I'll say goodbye. Sister Syass gives you a letter before you leave, and she says, I was going to mail this to you, but I suppose I can just deliver it directly. Oh, I hand her the letter I've written.

I don't like serving, as you probably guessed, but I'd happily serve under you again, should you ever need it. For someone who doesn't like serving, you're a good soldier. I do it. I like the fight. When we arrive at Port Nyanzaru, make yourself scarce until such a time that I require your assistance. After your

long and exhausting siege, and with the relief forces from Fort Vengeance, you return to Port Nyanzaru. You were taking the river, I think Shoshin Star? Yeah, the river shoshin star back north through chult you were in such a large group that no one would dare attack you no no force you could come across on the river would bother you so you make it there without any trouble it takes several days once back in port nyanzaru your little boat fleet would swing

around the uh that there's like that little northern island disconnected from the rest of port nyanzaru there's a bridge along there and there's a small area where people can dock there if you want uh they'll kind of like let you go wherever you want so if you want you could dock there and enter the city through well you don't really know what that building is but you could enter through there if you wanted to or their boats are going to keep going until they get into the harbor ward proper but that's just if you want to arrive with the rest of the order uh my gut feel is let's go to the top part because we can make a cheeky getaway when we've done our thieving. That's such a good decision.

I'm looking at the harbour ward and it looks like a gate. And that gate looks problematic. Well, gates are not our friends. If you want to enter somewhere quickly, make yourself the stupid option. Oh, you're not being left with boats. You're being dropped off. They don't have boats to spare. Where are our boats? They probably got destroyed, right? You've left them behind. We don't have them. Oh, that're not being left with boats. You're being dropped off. They don't have boats to spare. Where are our boats?

Oh, they probably got destroyed, right? You've left them behind. Oh, that's right. We walked through the jungle. Yeah. And there weren't boats, there were canoes. They're somewhere deep in Chult now. We might have to go to the harbour to steal, get another boat.

How do we get out of our harbour? Well, no, but we can steal boats from, like, we did it last time. We can just do it again. Or do you want to be sneaky? Flask of wine pipes up. To purchase a boat should surely not be too expensive. We don't have a lot of money.

How much money do you have? Oh, you know. I only have 19 gold. I'll give anyone the money. Where's all the loot that you guys have? I have it. I'm just going to do some quick math. 75 plus 95 plus 20. I have six gold ingots.

What's that worth in gold pieces? We have a lot of money. Yeah, you have quite a lot of money. We can buy a boat, I feel. It's loot money. It's not my money. Do you say this? No, we could probably afford something small. Oh, boat, I feel. It's loot money. It's not my money. Do you say this? No, we could probably afford something small.

Oh, really? I suppose. We've got a lot of loot gold. Oh, right. We can always trade that in, of course. We're at port. No, that's so good. Oh, I was getting so stressed.

I've only got 19 gold. Yeah, that'd be a shame to not have a lot of gold. Well, you don't have any either. No, I do. We just got some. Oh, right, of course. Our coffers are brimming, as it were. It is also the matter of my payment.

We're not done. We agreed that I would be paid when we returned to Port Nyanzaru. Yeah, but this is a stopover. You're not going to get semantic on me, Flask, are you? Well, yes, I suppose I will. I don't know if you remember, but my sister was killed when we first ventured into Chult. I wish to at least leave some money behind

for those I will be leaving behind if I die. I think that's fair enough. What was the agreed rate again? The agreed rate. I think they're getting half looting rights, aren't they? Yep, that's all. That's all they're getting is half loot. So half of everything that you got in Chult.

I don't like that we're doing this now. I want us to do it later. You do not have to do it now, but we will do it when we are in Port Nianzauru, surely. But you're not done your job yet. You're going to come back out with us, right? I'll come back out with you, and then the services will be ongoing. But I wish some payment now.

Do you understand how dangerous Chult is? No, we don't understand how dangerous Chult is. We've just been walking around. I've died three fucking times, Flask. Put your hands up if you've died once. A bunch of people in the boat put their hands up. Me too. Put your hands up if you've died more than twice.

Some people put their hands down. Yeah, including Flask, I feel. Flask, I think, has only died once. Yeah. Tiffany and I, though, we've died at least three times. Hey, you know what? What? Even if we take him back out and come back in,

and then once we return, we're giving him half our loot. It doesn't change the amount of loot we give now, you know? Hey, what about if we give him a down payment? We don't give him the whole shebang. We give him a down payment? We don't give him the whole shebang. We give him a sample. We're still going to have to give him half at the end. It was half off for taking loot. Yeah, but I don't want to do math now.

It's just half. We're turning it in anyway for votes. All right, all right. If you give him a tribute now, giving him the full half will be extra maths later. Unless you're hoping he'll die. You are hoping he'll die. He's almost died. I forgot that.

I didn't want him to die, but now he's all getting in my, I want to be paid. How dare he? Just give him half the loot. I give him half the loot. Do you have a tally of how much you've earned? Yep. So I give him, I'm just going to a tally of how much you've earned yep so i give him uh i'm just gonna do it in sections you know what those six gold ingots he'll take that and nothing else and he'll call that square what about five and a blue gem yeah that's weird for a tabaxi to

be like just give me gold no it's not no you think it's weird for a tabaxi to be like that. That's actually not true. Okay. Well, my tabaxi. I'm glad. I'm glad they're not taking my ladybug luck stone. Get a good boy card. And yes, all right.

He'll accept five and a blue gem. Great. I give him five and my blue gem. And we will call that even Stevens for now. Thank you very much for everything you've done for us, Flask. I give Flask a hug. He hugs you back. Thank you.

By this point, you've had a bit of a conversation. The boats have sailed past that first little harbour and now you're heading in towards the harbour ward proper. Well, if we're going to buy a boat, we may as well be where boats are used. Well, there are several different options. We could, it could help us procure some boats for less than market price, if you wanted to. Or we could go to the Tickery Anchorage, where there is a second port, but the port is for a shadier clientele. And we might be able to figure something out there as well.

I certainly think after we have done our... He, like, looks around at the paladins and knights that you are sharing this boat with. Why, I reckon, what you should be doing... Holy fuck. Flask beats infernal. Why you should be laying low down in the Tikiri

Anchorage. What? Your accent needs work, but it's not bad, Flask. It's not bad at all. You gotta sound more like a puppet. I try. I try. Sometimes helps to have like a trigger phrase like why I order. Why I order. Good work.

You sail through the through the open gates into the harbor ward and you dock probably in the kind of like the middle area the northeastern part of the harbor ward you know is reserved for the merchant princes and people they want to impress uh and then the the Western area is kind of more of a warehouse-y sort of thing. You don't want to be around there. You dock your boats. And as you do so, Tiffany, you notice a great deal many ships here, Tiffany, that you recognize. They're specifically Tiffany and not not you are pop would recognize they're all of them bearing

sales from uh different local principalities and factions within gandor there's quite a lot of them here uh you recognize official ones from the king himself some from lesser other maybe noble houses. And a bunch of ones from a, you will actually need to roll for this one. I know you roll quite high. From a group called the Sharpshot Companions. They're a mercenary company based in Kandor. Now, from my analysis, does this bode well for us? You're not sure what it means. I know it's bad for me.

They don't like me. I shouldn't be seen. They do not like you, but you have sway around them. You are a member of a royal house or a noble house, I should say, not a royal house. Do I know your nobility? Like I know your dad's a piece of shit and sent you away, but do I know how high up the social chain your family is?

I don't think that's ever come up. No. And I wouldn't have asked. Tiffany's father had the ear of the king. Geez. Figured if I'm not literally. Yeah, Tiffany's dad was a very important and powerful person. Tiffany was tolerated within a great deal many places

that a tiefling would not be allowed simply because of her familial ties. Yeah, but all I told you about it was how tricky it was. There was a lot of things that sort of came at the forefront of my memory from my childhood that didn't include being rich because that doesn't really help you when people don't talk to you. True. And cool, yeah, I went to the best school. My dad sent me there. Sent me away, though. That's the forefront of that

story, is that my dad sent me away. I went to a great school. I became the best. Don't ask how I could afford it. There's a bit of a secession issue going on right now with Tiffany's father's wealth, but Tiffany stands to inherit quite a lot of money. Man. Even in, like, worst-case scenario, Tiffany would never to inherit quite a lot of money. Man.

Even in, like, worst-case scenario, Tiffany would never need to lift a finger again if she didn't want to. Her father was rich. I love that I just don't know this and don't care to know this. Oh, no. Why would you? And, you know, I want to, you know, Dad sent me away to do all the work, and I want to get really good at the work, and I did get really good at the work.

It's, I still haven't proven myself so much, so I'm trying really hard to. Like if I can save him, maybe that'll be enough. Like he chose me, so now I get to choose him. Yeah, that's sad as fuck. I mean, I just hope it works. Oh, God. As you're getting off your boats, you see a great deal of many people here who are definitely not locals.

Not Chaltians. Cantonese. You can tell them from their paler complexions and the fact that they seem quite unhappy with the climate. Fuck, I like these people. A great deal many of them are sailors or you see some soldiers, actually. Cantonese soldiers marching about. and a lot of missionaries, a lot of missionaries. They hate me too.

I fucking hate missionaries. Why do you hate missionaries? I don't. They've always been really nice to me. They just don't really like me. You don't hate missionaries in your life. They're pains in the fucking ass. Yeah.

You don't need missionaries in your life. They're pains in the fucking ass. Yeah. Like seeing all the people, the Candanese has sent me into a bit of a sort of horrid set of flashbacks where I'm like, oh, right, I look like this. Not just because of the face disfiguration, just generally. Oh, no. Oh, everyone here has been so nice to me in that they haven't been me.

Because you're not even the weirdest looking person in Chult by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not. Do they look uncomfortable? Who? The Candonese. Do they look uncomfortable with all the weirds around? Not really. The sailors don't seem to care, but you've always known the common folk to not really give that much of a

shit so long as they're not being bothered or at least these types of commoners uh the soldiers are well disciplined they don't care the missionaries are the only ones who seem to react to anything some of them you notice are really only only prophylatizing to to to humans i'm gonna headbutt so many of them i suppose i mean we could talk to them they could help us depending on what we need we need a ship and we need a map first of all we have to get a map to that place that i always forget the name of omu you're looking for the city of Oumu. That's right. The lost city of Oumu.

It's not likely that the Cantonese will have that. I mean, of course. It seems highly unlikely. No, the only person who would have that is that merchant prince that we should have gone to at the start that we didn't who we're now going to rob. Correct, Adam? Yeah, he would be the only person who potentially could have a map.

As you're pondering that, actually, Ardacimber is looking directly north of you. You can see just kind of like over past a wall in the city and past many buildings, just the top of a domed building. Artist Simber staring up at it, wonders aloud, hmm,

perhaps we might have a couple leads here. I hadn't really thought of it, but that would be the temple of Savras, would it not? Pop, you have a chance to know who that is. Savras is the deity of wizards, fortune tellers, diviners, and those who unfailingly speak the truth, regardless of whether the listeners want to hear it. Oh my god, that is the best church ever. His symbol is a monstrous eye or a crystal ball filled with eyes. Severus' temple here in Port Nyanzaru is one of the oldest, grandest buildings in the city. The tiled roof of its great dome resembles an unblinking eye staring skyward

a deity devoted to revealing the truth might seem to have a weak draw in a city of merchants but savrus was widely worshipped in chult long before an event you know of as the spell plague which is a whole thing we don't have to get into. Magic got a bit wonky for a while. That is how Pop would describe it. It's too complicated. Boring. It happened a long time ago as well. You might not have put a lot of stock in a church of diviners.

Absolutely fucking no way would I have. Well, it's only kind of just recently that you're like, well, we're looking for a lost city. You didn't know that you were looking for Oumu until now. True. They might be able to help us if we're looking for Oumu. That's not half bad idea. Although it does mean we have to hang out with those honest fucking weirdos. What's wrong with being honest? Tell me one good thing that's ever come from being completely honest

with another human being. Yeah, good. Thought so. I hang my head thinking of all the truths that how honest people have been to me about what they thought. I shed a tear. Did you want to go to the post office before we went exploring? I am grasping at a letter that is already addressed.

All right. Yes, please. You're quite close. You would want to go to the Harbour Master, which is here in the Harbour Ward. Shocking. I know. I've got to send a couple of things as well. So why don't we do that?

Get our affairs in order and then we'll head to the – What? What are you sending? I'm sending things. I've got stuff to do. Who are you sending things to? I've got to send a letter back to my museum people, send back the jug that I've rescued from that temple.

The jug could help us. What long is it in a museum? Get a good boy card. That's fucking sick. Hell yeah. And, you know, I have other letters to send. Who asked? Why are you being so nosy?

What does it matter to you? That jug has been so helpful to us. Yeah, sure, it's been very helpful, but, you know, what's there for? We've got Vaughn now. Why can't, what? Oh, no. I'm not going to send Vaughn back. We need him.

I will eventually. Well, why can't we send the jug back after the trip? Like how you so wanted to pay Flask. But I don't care about paying Flask. I'm right here. You understand that, though. I'm right here. Oh, Flask was allergic to pain.

Flask sneezes at you. Yeah, that's what I fucking thought. I have priorities that don't make sense to you, just how your weird priorities don't make sense to me oh my they're not weird it's fine it's fine let's post our letters so you head towards the harbormaster's office yeah sure straight towards outside of the harbormaster's office is a bulletin board that provides the names and whereabouts of several wilderness guides you look at a bunch of names

that you've already seen maybe some new ones that you hadn't considered last time but also out front of the harbour's master's office with a clipboard and many like six people around him all feeding him information is the harbour master himself he's like a flurry in action the man is quite obviously very busy but he's dealing with it incredibly well he seems incredibly competent as you approach a couple people make a space for you to approach him he's a oh i've got a picture of him actually oh yay he's a gold dragon what is that not a gold sorry he's a gold dragon born not a gold dragon oh man but that? Not a gold. Sorry. He's a gold dragon born. Not a gold dragon. Oh, man.

Imagine there's this giant gold dragon with this tiny clipboard. Next. What's his name? His name is Zindar. Ah. Oh, he got cool whiskers. Man, he's very cool. He looks like a terrifying person, though.

Oh, yeah. We don't want to wrong him. Without really missing a beat he stops talking to one person turns to you as soon as you're in front of him and says adventurers uh yeah he maybe notices the package or letters in your hand and says letters yeah he takes them passes them on to someone else who passes them to someone else, and it just goes down. It immediately goes down the line. Do you also have the jug? So I have a jug with a letter and another letter.

All right. He takes it all off you as well. Be very careful with that jug. It's priceless. Maybe as you're saying that, he's already passed the jug to a second person. He turns around, snaps his fingers. The second person brings the jug to a second person. He turns around, snaps his fingers. The second person brings the jug back. He waves his hand

and a magical mark appears on the jug saying, Fragile. And it keeps going. Flick him a gold piece. He takes the gold piece. That's right, didn't want to play flask, but this man's looking after my box. And then I give him another personal letter that you're not allowed to see. Alright, he takes

the personal letter and it gets passed on. Do I see that another letter's been passed over? Yeah. I look at the letter and I look at you and I look at you some more and I'm sort of... I've got friends. Sure you do. Zinda addresses you, Tiffany.

Tiffany? Yes. He snaps his fingers and a little box is brought before him. He opens it up and hands you a wrapped series of correspondence. Oh, thank you. It is from my mum, not my mum, but you know my mum. It's from Sister

Sias and Farot the Were-Tiger. Oh, Farot. He wrote letters, that's so funny. I hug them to my chest. Oh, bless that Were-Tiger. Thank you so funny. I hug them to my chest. Oh, bless that were tiger. Thank you so much.

You're welcome, he says. Anything else? Anything for Pop Mandarin. He searches. Like the little filing cabinet sort of thing in the box. He gives it a little search. No, I'm sorry. Good.

You are adventurers, though, right? I suppose Yeah If you have time, I would request your help in a matter I could compensate you Oh, that might be good actually We're looking to buy a boat What can we help with?

I can arrange a boat to take you anywhere you need to go If you want that instead in exchange We'll take the boat The boat please, yes, what can we do for you? A boat to take you somewhere, not to take you anywhere you need to go if you want that instead in exchange. We'll take the boat. The boat, please. Yes, what can we do for you? A boat to take you somewhere, not to give you, but it'll be faster anyway. Yes, of course.

Definitely won't keep it. Hang on. The boat will get destroyed. It's just, oh, we're going to lose that boat so fast. The boat's going to go into the sea. The bottom half. Not the top half where boats usually go. I need you to help a dying man.

Not someone, well, he is also possibly soon to die, but he works at the dye factory. He's a dying man. But also, if you do not help him he will be killed so like look anyway um his name is omala you proud of that you should be that's the book made the joke not me he's a master colorist at the dye works zinda tells you that the dye works is in the southeast in the market ward you should find it without too much trouble the water there is stained many different colors because the dye gets dumped into the sea and you'll see many people who work there with colored

hands as well all right and what's he want well he can tell you better himself, but he's gotten recently into a spot of bother because he crossed one of the merchant princes. He's a good man, though, and does not deserve to die for such a silly crime. What did he do? He bought a black market fruit. Oh, and they want to kill him for that? Yes. oh and they want to kill him for that yes quay offy quay offy the merchant prince deals in dyes and fruits and such like that and is quite we haven't met him at all and he's not the map guy is he it's kind of the principle of the matter for quay offy principle of my god this is why i

fucking hate people wands quay offy wishes to make an example of Amala, and I don't think that Amala deserves to die for such a thing. No, well, how do you want us to help? Well, if you can go speak with Amala, he himself will have no gold to offer you, but if you help him and save his life, I will pay you handsomely in a ship to take you wherever you want to go. Thank you.

Yeah. Well, we'll head off right away. All right. Let's go. So, active quests. Save Amala. Go to the temple. Yep.

Steal a map. What do you want to do? If we secure the boat first and have it waiting. We can then steal the map and do the temple, steal the map and then get going. Very quickly. I think it's very important that we do that all very fast. So are you going to the dye works? Yes.

Dye works. You head down south towards the dye works. Sure enough, just as Zindar said, as you, almost as soon as you're in the market ward, you immediately begin seeing, it gets more and more prevalent, people with dyed hands who obviously work at the dye works. They're going either to or from work. You know that to manufacture clothing is almost impossible in Port Nyanzaru.

There's no fields for cotton and there's no grazing land for sheep. There's no fields for cotton and there's no grazing land for sheep. So typically what will happen is people in Port Nyanzaru will import very bland clothing and then dye it themselves. The one thing that Chult is good for is different materials to make dyes. That's what we're good at or they're good at. I'm not from Chult. No, that's what we're good at. You reach the dye works itself itself it's a big factory there's a set of doors out the front and at the front there's just a bunch of workers milling about eating their lunch uh you can ask

one of them if you want where uh omala is or you can just barge in and search for yourself if you want excuse me hi yes hi um we're looking for for a soon-to-be friend of ours. Amala, is he here? Soon-to-be friend of ours. They all look among themselves. You can see there's some hesitation. We want to help him. We've been sent by the Harbormaster.

We're trying to help him. Don't worry. We're not from... Oh, what's his name? All right. If you've already guessed it, I'm not going to make an insight check to figure out why they're on shore. One of them addresses you.

He's inside. He's up in the head office center. Yeah. Thank you so much. Shuffle in. Let's go. Following their directions, you find Amala in, like, the executive break room, if you will. It looks like he's maybe got a high-paying job here or something.

You're not sure what. Amala looks up as you enter and seems a bit unsure. Hi, Amala? Yes? Hi. We've been sent by the Harpamaster. We're here to help you out. Hi, Marla.

My name's Tiffany. This is Pop. This is Flask. Flask of Wine. Otter Simber. Dragon Bait. Oh, my God. Dragon Bait.

And Quasha. And Quasha. You don't have to remember all those names. That's all right. No, no, no. We don't remember yours. I could never forget a name, huh? Zinda sent you?

Yes. Oh, that's very kind of him. You are to help me? Yes. I have no money to offer you, huh? Oh, that's all right. Zindar's already said that he's going to pay us. I think it's sort of he's really the person to thank here.

That's very good. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so here. That's very good. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. That's all right. What was it? I bought a dancing monkey fruit. I want to make a die with it.

Do I know what a dancing monkey fruit is? Yeah, it's just an exotic local fruit. You can catch sometimes a disease called mad monkey fever from it. It's kind of rare, but it can happen. Which is why it's illegal. Well, it's not actually illegal. It's just what your understanding is, he bought it on the black market. So it was cheaper.

And yeah, that merchant prince didn't get a cut of that profit. Merchant prince just doesn't know how capitalism works when it doesn't work for him. Was it worth it? Not for my life, no, huh? I got this coin. He holds up a coin that bears a symbol of a triceratops on it, the head of a triceratops. It doesn't look like currency you've ever seen before.

Pop, it's kind of obscure. It's your intelligence, Pop. You good? You smart? You clever boy? You're kind of clever, but not smart enough. You've never seen it before. You don't know what it is. And Tiffany, you would not have a chance. It's obscure for Pop. Yeah. What's that?

It is from Yeptka Society. It is a warning. They are control things behind the scenes, huh? Make sure that Port Nayanzaru stays in the hands of the merchant princes, huh? Right. So they've sent you the coin, which means you're fucked because you bought a fruit that you shouldn't have.

I wish to atone for my crime. I want to go to the Golden Throne, yeah, where the merchant princes, they see people for business, yeah, and for like a courthouse, yeah? And I want to speak face to face to Quai Othi. And I want to ask for forgiveness, huh? I need someone to escort me there, get me there safe, yeah? We can do that for sure. Do you think that'll work? He shakes his head. I do not know.

He will ask for something if he gives me clemency, yeah? He will ask for something in exchange. Well, we'll do our best to help out. We'll take you there now if you'd like. Golden Throne is up in the Merchant's Ward. It's kind of at the opposite end of the city from you.

You head there? This feels like the plot of the Bruce Willis Moss death film, 16 Blocks, in which a cop has to get a criminal 16 blocks through New York City. It doesn't sound like a lot of blocks cast, but shit gets real. Fun fact or spoiler alert. Bruce Willis is one of the corrupt cops that want to kill the person Bruce Willis is protecting.

Yeah. It's a spoiler for that movie. It's a good movie. I've kind of ruined that movie for you now. I know you don't like Bruce Willis. What? So what could have happened, you don't really know. If you wanted to, you could go to Golden Throne and then come back

and just quickly check yourself, is whether or not there's such a thing as like a sanctioned murder. The sanctions are given out very rarely. It may be like six in a year is how many you'd get but it could be possible that a sanction to murder has been put out on this man and if that's the case then there is basically a price on his head and you will be dealing with city guard any fool with a weapon who thinks they can take you on maybe the zentaram the mercenary faction oh fuck i love those guys so i'm gonna get another horse there are also state-sponsored assassins

the same merchant prince who gives out those it's a merchant prince who determines when sanctions are given out that merchant prince also has assassins who might be on the prowl this is all if a sanction has been delivered. You don't know. If a sanction hasn't been delivered and he just is wanted for crimes, then it's not a big deal if you get caught by the guards and just say that you're taking him to Golden Throne. Does he know if there's been a sanction put out on him?

He doesn't know. It might be worthwhile going to Golden Throne now to check, but doing that means potentially leaving him here at the dye works where he might be in danger anyway. It's up to you. Going out into the street is a lot more dangerous than him being here, but leaving him alone is also dangerous. I wouldn't leave him alone.

We've got fucking 20 people in our party. Well, do you reckon we could disguise him? does he look disguisable is he just a dude he's just a dude yeah but with the dye on his hands he's easily markable as a uh person who works at the dye works you could try disguising him still though like it wouldn't be impossible do you own gloves uh no i do not own Adam, can I disguise self to look like him? Let me check the spell, disguise self. Because we could do a Harry Potter 7. A Spartacus, if you will.

Yes, good. Bring more danger. That's what that'll do. Well, then if they try to murder me and I turn back into me, they've committed a crime. Does it work like that? I have no idea. You make yourself including

your clothing armor weapons and other belongings on your person look different until the spell ends or until you use your action dismiss it you can seem one foot shorter or taller and appear thin fat or in between you can't change your body type so you must adopt a form that has the same basic arrangement of limbs otherwise the extent of the illusion is up to you. So changes wrought by this spell fail to hold up to physical inspection. For example, if you use this spell to add a hat to your outfit, objects pass through the hat and anyone who touches it would feel nothing or would feel your head and hair.

So I could look like him. You could, yes, for one hour. How long would it take them to get to the Golden Throne? Less than an hour. You could get to the Golden Throne, provided you weren't waylaid too much. You could get there, well, within an hour. And now a quick word from our sponsors.

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So what are you waiting for? Backing this award-winning team for as little as £5 can score you rewards ranging from the digital comic up to an original page of art from the book. Just head to kickstarter.com and search for A Boxer. How long does the scroll of burning hands hands is that just set your hands on fire uh no fire bursts from your hands ah so you couldn't just cover his hands in fire to just no that would be as some people may call it a bad thing to do anyway surely we have someone with burning hands is going to attract more attention than someone with dye on their hands. Yeah, but they're not

going to touch him. Sounds more fun. Artist Simbra says, how much money are we willing to waste on this endeavor? How much money were you going to spend on a boat? Because if you're worried about dye on his hands, we could pay

some people around here with dye on their hands to just hang around. What I was going to do is I was going to make myself look like him and just stay here and you guys go with him to the Golden Throne. That's also a possibility. That's a good one. Does anyone have gloves? Does no one in-

Can we not buy gloves from the market, Adam? Actually, Artis Simmer might have gloves. Probably someone has gloves. Can you make gloves? Oh, I can make gloves. Tabaxi, you can make gloves, but not in any reasonable amount of time. It'll take you hours to make gloves. That's true.

Also, do you have leather? I got people. Gross. I have traveler's clothes. Does that include gloves? I don't wear them. Traveler's clothes? That's a good question.

I also have traveler's clothes. I also have traveller's clothes. I also have the backpack of a diplomat. That did not contain gloves. It contained letter writing tools. And I also have an amulet of forgetsies. Whoopsie. Whoopsie doodle. Ooh, who was he?

So mysterious. Ooh, who was he? Because I figure if I wait here, pretend to be him, we'd like say artists and one other person and you guys go to the throne. And we're sneaky. Because you need diplomacy, which I do not have. Ooh, good cue. And also on the flip side, if anyone comes here to try to kill him,

I'm here. And I'm like, boo, it's me. Now you're dead. I've got a fucking shell. That's my impersonation of you. As part of Traveller's Clothes, let's say you have a pair of gloves. Sure. Great.

Give him the gloves. And then when you leave, I'm going to use disguise self to look like him and pretend that I guess what? We should do other things to disguise him. Oh, yeah, we'll do gloves. Different clothes. I mean, he's at a dye factory. Surely there are other clothes he could wear.

Not really, actually. Unless you wanted to steal clothes off the production line, which is not ideal. He might go down for another crime. Can I give him all of the traveller's clothes? Oh, yeah. I just give him that whole outfit because I don't wear clothes. I'm winning the fucking poo.

He puts on that spare set of clothes that you have for some reason, I guess. It is crazy that you were lugging that all around the jungle. You never know where you might need clothes. I guess. Look, hey, I talk shit, but I should get hit because we needed those clothes. I hate him. You pull a fist back. I had touched your fist.

Like, don't. Omala gets changed into your clothes. He looks, the clothes are a bit baggy because whoever gave you these clothes was presumably trying in some vain attempt to get clothes that would fit you not that any clothes exist but they now look baggy on amala but they're clothes can we give amala a hat uh i would say that's probably not part of a traveler's outfit probably not um i have my hat and i wouldn't be wearing it because i'm disguising myself oh man i don't want to give him my hat though because this is my hat i give him my hat oh my god that's so nice i say nothing i don't want to give him my hat, though, because this is my hat. I give him my hat. Oh, my God. That's so nice.

I say nothing. I do not want to jeopardize this moment. Put this on. If you lose this hat, you won't have to worry about sanctioned murders, mercenaries, assassins, because I'll rip your stomach out through your nose. Artist Simber, looking out one of the windows at the production facility below you, says, i believe we have company gentlemen he gestures and you all look at the front entrance as a set of six guards stroll in

as they walk as they begin slowly fanning out through the building you can see one of them stays by the entrance door and directs the other five you can see that despite the fact that he is wearing a guard's outfit he has also mixed with it the uniform of a zentara mercenary presumably contracted for guard work uh we should leave you should stay i should stay who do you want who do you want to stay and fight with me? I would prefer not to, actually. I would rather not make a big face of myself around Port Nyanza. People are still looking for the ring. I'll take Koopa Louie and...

Flask of Vine? Yeah, Flask. Would you prefer that Flask for sneaking purposes? I'm thinking Brawls i might take i might keep cooper louie and dragon bait oh no that means no you take no no because that means all of our all of the strong people are in with me so i'll take cooper and flask and you take the others sounds good is there some way we can sneak out the back omala nods there's a there is a back entrance huh i can take you there lead the way disguise self adam

as they sneak away what's your plan are you gonna let yourself be found well i'm gonna stay up here and basically we're gonna stall these guys so it's pop cooper louis and flask while the other group the the a team if you will is wait i'm in the b team you're the the distraction group, the A team, if you will, is. Wait, I'm in the B team. The distraction cannot be the A team. Yeah, I'm sorry. Ed Sheeran sold me I was in the A team. Tiffany, Ardis, Amala, who else?

Quasha? Yeah. And Dragonbait. Basically, I make it so that Flask and Koopa Louie look like they're protecting me, and I look like a marla, and my plan is to just stall. One of the guards finally enters the executive break room up here, and when he does, he leans out of the building. The executive break room is kind of like on a platform, which is on a walkway looking down on the thing.

He leans out so that he can be seen by the other guards and slams on the side of the door to get their attention. They start making a beeline towards you. He just stands there with his arms crossed. So obviously Cooper, Louie and Flask haven't done anything yet. No, they're waiting for your signal. Cool, I'm just going to wait for these guys to get here. So it's a room that has four doors.

There is a guard at each of the doors now, and two of the doors on the north and southern end have two guards, so it's six guards total. The one with the Zhentarim uniform or part of a Zhentarim uniform says, Omala? Sure. How does Omala talk? What's his accent?

Oh, I get a bad boy card. You actually just don't attempt to- No, I wouldn't attempt to speak. The Zhentarim guard narrows his eyes at you. Who are you? I'm just a humble die man. Do you know you're wanted for crimes? I had heard that I was wanted for crimes.

Just wanted to check. Are you here to kill me or bring me to justice in a form? I don't think either is appropriate here. What's your surname? Mandarin. I've undescribed self and thrown my hammer at his head. Fuck yeah. Oh, man. Alright, let's go to initiative. Tiffany?

Yes. Oh, I should have said Cass. Would you like to control Koopa Louie or Flask of Wine? Koopa Louie. Koopa Louie? Absolutely. Flask is shit. How rude. Hey, he wanted to be paid before the job was finished, Adam, and I haven't forgiven him for it. Oh, by the way, Pop, you act last in initiative order.

Boo. But I still get to attack a lot. Mem, mem, mem, mem, mem. Yeah, yeah. That'll be you in, like, a while, but it'll happen. It'll happen. You still do get your thrown hammer off. Oh, is that because it's a surprise attack?

Yeah, basically it starts the fight. What was Amala's surname? Just out of curiosity. Sorry? What is Amala's? He doesn't have one. Your hammer strikes the Zhentarim right in the face. You deal.

Do you do extra damage on your first attack in a round? Well, I usually get four attacks on my first go, but... It deals, yeah, an extra D8 damage. Great. You don't get four attacks. Because you're throwing weapons, and you don't have four weapons to throw. But you do still get that plus D8 damage.

That's nice. You deal 12 points of damage, dropping him instantly. Trumples. That's nice. You deal 12 points of damage, dropping him instantly. Trumples. That was so good. Oh, Adam, I love fights where we do well. That's brilliant. Instead of fights against zombies that are terrifying and go for a whole fucking day.

It's their turn. They all draw Yik Ulwaz, it's a simple melee weapon that is traditional for chelten warriors yik ulwa consists of a three foot long wooden shaft with a steel or stone blade up to 18 inches long although it has the throne weapon property so it can be thrown, it's not really good at it. It is just sort of like a really it's a skirmisher's weapon basically. But it's traditional here, so all the Choltian guards have it. The Zhentarim

guard had a sword, but you've killed, well you haven't killed him, but I've downed him. You've downed him. So they all have just that traditional weapon. Two of them throw them at you. Ooh, duck. Do you know what?

I'm still disguised as a Marla because no one's touched me yet. Now I'll be untouched. You said you dropped a sky self. I did, didn't I? One glances off your shield, your shell, I should say, and the other one strikes you in the arm. Oh, fuck. You take nine points of damage how bad was oh another one

lowers the the spear like weapon and charges forwards at you you grab it though and twist it aside so that he can't hit you with it then the final two guards charge down on cooper louis and flask cooper louis leaps onto the chest of one of them, and he can't. The weapon is too long. He can't land a hit on Cooper Louie. Flask of Wine, however, gets stabbed in the thigh, looks up the guard, and hisses at him.

The guard recoils a little bit. It's Flask of Wine's turn. Flask of Wine draws a short sword And cuts the guard down These guards are weak as shit They're so weak That's why they need so many of them Then it is Pop's turn Oh, Cooper Louie should have gone first

I'll go Pop and then we'll go with you, Cooper Louie Sorry, Pop, go I'm going to go for the Am I grappling with a guard? Yes I'll turn his spear around and stab him with it. To take the weapon off him will be your turn. Well, then I just use my own weapon to just hack at him.

All right. You swing, but he leans backwards, and your weapon doesn't have enough reach to connect with him. You backhand him with the other side of the sickle and catch him. When you do, you turn and twist, tearing into him with the other side of the sickle and catch him when you do you turn and twist tearing into him with the sickles blade dealing six points of damage but not downing him that's all right that's all right he'll come down eventually go get my hammer uh then cooper louis sorry your turn i would like to jump on the closest guard's face and go at him with my claws. Koopa Louie also has once a day he can use a spore

attack. In a 15 foot radius he deals poison damage to anyone who fails a saving throw. Other than that, he has a spear and claws. He can attack twice in a turn. Is a spear better than claws? Spear is better than claws. Then I'll go spear.

You spear back at the guard that was spearing at you you got speared hang on is this the right one yeah you deal nine points of damage in total not killing the guard but wounding him quite mortally you've given the guard a good reason to not want to tangle with you the guard but wounding him quite mortally you've given the guard a good reason to not want to tangle with you the guard retreats backwards with several puncture holes in his chest plate um uh koopa louie it's your turn again because i um uh did your initiative wrong so you get to go again would you like to just keep attacking? Yeah, same dude.

Yep. As you keep pressing your advantage, you stab him through the neck, and that guard topples over, bleeding out on the floor. I continue to beat my chest in victory. Then it is the guard's turn. The three remaining guards turn tail and run. Do we want them to run? It up to you it's flask's turn flask looks at you pop grab him bring him back here flask leaps into action and barrels after one of them trying to escape flask of wine is faster than any of them could hope to be using his climb speed sprints out onto the catwalk crawls over so

that he's on the side of the catwalk keeps moving gets to the gets to the man grabs him and pulls toppling him off the catwalk screaming he falls into the dye works below and is destroyed by the machinery down there. The blue ink runs red. That's a nice color, actually. My turn? That was Flask. It's your turn now, Pop. I turn to the other two.

Are you boys smart? They've all run. Can they hear me still? They could hear you, yeah. Are you boys smart or are you boys stupid? Because if you're smart, you'll stop running, you'll come back in here, drop your weapons, and let me tie you to a chair.

If you're stupid, my cat friend here will rip your throat out. They keep running. All right, they're stupid. That was your action. You can still move at 20 feet. Yeah, let's go. Let's go after them. You won't be able to catch them, though, because of your bum leg.

Yeah. And I only get advantage on the first turn. You could try throwing your sickle, I think, if you want. I've got a longbow. So you do. I'm going to try to use my longbow. You won't be able to use your...

Actually, sorry, you won't be able to attack this one. Oh, because I've had my turn. Yeah, that's all right. But you can switch to your longbow if you want. Wait, was the intimidation a skill check? It was. Can I reroll that skill? Absolutely.

Yeah. Give you advantage. Yeah, all right, they stop and turn around. We'll call this fight over. Yay! We take the weapons and we tie them up. You can add two of those weapons to your inventory. We'll also tie the Zhentarim guy, because he's not dead.

He was just knocked out, yeah? Yeah. Oh, well, none of them, I think, were outright killed. Except for the guy who fell into the machinery. He, sorry, is dead. So if you wanted to, you could try to save the other three so you don't kill them. Hmm.

Nah, we just tie them up. All right. That would make you guilty of murder. That's all I'm saying. Okay, all right. We'll stabilize the others. You may not care. Adam, we would like to stabilize the others and then tie them all up with my rope.

All right. Only one of the guards was killed. He fell off the catwalk. Everyone saw it. Sure. Bloskovine just fucking murdered a guy. I guess, hey, you've murdered so many people. All right.

So while that's happening, Tiffany, Artis, Omala, Quasha, and Dragonabate escape out a back door. You're not sure if those guards mean that there is a sanction out on Omala, but it feels like it's becoming increasingly likely. Okay. amala but it feels like it's becoming increasingly likely okay so um lead the way pop i gesture to amala with my eyebrows uh okay we'll we'll make sure we keep you covered i know you get cold um so we all sort of walk in a group not too close together but Amala's in the middle. You start making your way through the city, starting at the dye works. You move towards the public bathhouse. Port Nyanzaru is filled with, well, the citizens of Port Nyanzaru could not imagine going a day without a bath. And all across the city, there are many public and private baths mostly private

but here at the public bathhouse literally anyone is welcome and as you approach it you see a column a marching column of maybe 20 zentaram mercenaries when you spot them immediately Omala gets you guys to duck into the bathhouse and you just stay in the foyer as they march past. With the full force of the city guard and the Zhentarim out to get them, can our heroes keep their precious cargo safe?

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