D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #11 My Dinner with Cannibals

Episode Date: April 25, 2020

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Sans Pants Radio. My dad's building a chook house. Welcome to Season 2, Episode 11 of Zombie Plagued Chult. Mmm. The little magman boys attack. Adam's shuffling a deck. What deck are you shuffling? I'm shuffling the Cass and Tom get rewarded dare? No, that's it. Oh, no, that's real bad. Into the sky where it explodes harmlessly.

That's the critical hit part. Yep. Hey, funny, get back. Maximum damage and the target must make a constitution saving throw that it fails. On a failed save, they are pushed five feet back. So you kick one a full five feet into the air. They're letting you pass by. But you can see that there's some dissension among their group as well

Do any of you either of you understand draconian? Yeah, artists ember doesn't have anything that can target specifically the warlock He can fuck up the group, but he can't target specifically the warlock. Oh, well then fuck up the group an explosion of frigid cold energy Ripples out through the center of the fire new group you know what i don't want to make an issue of it at least yet we'll deal with the thing that will probably kill us first and then we can discuss the treasure after a lot the way you think flask we'll make sure you get your dresser flask i turn to pop how big was the dragon pop it blotted out the moon that is a big dragon indeed blotted out the moon. It blotted out the moon.

That is a big dragon indeed. Blotted out the moon. After your kerfuffle with Pop not giving you a heads up, you retire to camp. So, in the night, who's first watch? First watch, of course, Adam, it's guys. During first watch, you hear somewhere deeper in the forest a terrific roaring sound. That's similar to a dragon, some might say. Somewhere further into the jungle, you see a spout of flames.

You're not sure exactly how far away it is, but it looked massive. I wake Tiffany up. Horn skirt. Yeah. So that we don't make the same mistake as I did yesterday. Far away it is, but it looked massive. I wake Tiffany up. Horn skirt. Yeah. So that we don't make the same mistake as I did yesterday. I think the dragon's in the jungle. What?

I just heard a roar and fire is somewhere in that vicinity. Oh, no. I think we have to keep moving. Damn it. Okay. How would we further in? Towards the mountains. Back out again, because clearly the thing's in the jungle. You can if you want.

This feels like a trap. They can just fly and, you know, blot out the moon and stuff. We should wake everyone up. I'll go around waking everyone up. All right. I'm just being like, the dragon's in the jungle. Shh. If you want to progress through the night,

you will have to take a level of exhaustion. That's just the way the cookie crumbles, my friend. We go to the group. What are your thoughts, group? So long as we keep ourselves quiet and do not light anything, we should be safe. Hey, Adam, how do dragon's eyes work? Dragon's eyes?

Yeah. What do we know about dragons? Not a lot. You don't know. You know dragons have magic, but you don't know if that conveys them any special sight. That's okay. What I mean is, though,

if we're moving through the jungle at night in the dark, so many people can't see me. I see what you're saying. You do not know if they have dark vision. Okay, so Tiffany won't see me. Flask, probably, and Dragonbait? Artisan Quash are the only people who are going to know where I am? Artisanber?

Artisanber can't move at night, not without assistance. He can move very slowly. The only people who can see at night are you, Tiffany, and Flask of Wine. No one else can. Well, we're going to have to make do. Let's go. All right. So you're going to keep moving?

No, I've got an idea. I've got some rope. Those three can't see at night. Is it three who can't see at night? Yes. I think it would be safer because, I mean, rope can't really stop you. I think we should put our hands on the person in front of us' shoulders and make a line.

I was hoping to do a strategy that didn't involve someone touching me, but fine. It's going to tie us to a rope. Tie to a tree. I mean, tie it to me. I think it would be cleverer if we were to stay closer together and do with the touching. I am sorry, but it is probably the smart move.

Right. Fine. Can we space ourselves out so that it's dark vision, non-dark vision, dark vision, non-dark vision, dark vision? Well, you have to. There's three people with dark vision and three people without. Yeah. So space them out throughout the line.

I will go. Yeah, you have to. I have to go near the front. You can put them out throughout the line. I will go. Yeah, you have to. I have to go near the front. You can put them all at the front. As in the three of us and the three of them behind us. Oh, making just a line. One line. Would you like to not move in pairs?

That's what I thought. My idea was we tie ourselves with a rope to someone else who has darkvision and move in pairs. The only problem with that is you and Flask can't see me. Oh, yeah. So it has to be as a collective because the other guys can see me but they can't see anything else. And you and Flask, I am literally invisible.

Conga line? Are we doing a conga line for safety? Adam, is it a safety conga? Is it conga who the conga for us? Come on, baby, let's all do the conga so we don't get eaten by the dragon or get lost inside this jungle. Everybody, come on, everybody, let's go. And then as well if we start getting picked off by the dragon,

we're not tied to each other. Ah, good, Cass, yes. each other ah good cast yes a dragon lands bodily near you it reaches itself up to its full might tilts its head backwards and breathes fire upwards it bathes a tree above it and the tree begins to burn you all all six of you stare at the dragon wormling in its might it is about the size of a cat initiative that's not the thing that blotted out the sun it was really low. Are you fucking kidding, Adam? No, it was nighttime. It was low.

All you saw was the moon getting blotted out. Who are you tied to? No one's tied to anyone. We're all holding hands or conquering. Okay. So who are you fighting with, Pop? Oh, Dragonbait. All right. Who are you fighting with, Pop? Oh, dragon bait. All right.

Who are you fighting with? Flask. Tiffany and Flask of Wine, it's your turn. It's the size of a cat, right? Yeah. Does that mean it's probably a bit weaker? Does it look a bit weak to me? Do I look at it and go, ah, come on?

All dragons are powerful. Okay, then. You could try. Are you going to try to put it to sleep? She wants to. Yeah, nah, I'll give it a crack. First or second level. Second? Nothing happens.

Yeah. Tiffany, you cast a spell upon the dragon. You can feel its eyes tugging closed, but ultimately nothing happens. Oh, it blinks. It blinks. I wish I could be friends with it. I'd be like, come with us. What would you like Flask of Wine to do?

Claw. Claw? Claw at him. All right, Flask of Wine. That's his attacking, yeah? He has a bow and arrow. Flask of Wine casts aside his bow and his short sword and instead races forwards with claws outstretched.

You can change if you want. Can he ask again? With my claws? With your bow and arrow. Sorry, I must have misheard you. That's all right. It's pretty dark. Flask of wine strikes once with his longbow.

Whoops, rolled the wrong dice. Dealing 11 points of damage. An arrow embeds itself in the dragon's shoulder. It cries. Pop and dragon bait, it's your turn. Hey, Vaughn. Yes? I'd like Vaughn.

Vaughn can talk? Only to you. Nothing seemed important until now. I finally have a friend. Hey, Vaughn. You ever seen it? What? It's a dragon wormling. Yeah. Does it mean it's kind of snaky? It's a friend. A Vaughn. You ever seen it? It's a dragon wormling.

Yeah. Does it mean it's kind of snaky? I'm going to look that up. Is it a wormling with a Y and an R and a M? Yeah. And it's like long? Yeah. Like it's a bit snake-ish.

Yeah. Cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Vaughn, I'd like you to turn that snake into a bow tie. Vaughn reaches out and tries to grab the dragon once, but it snakes and slips its way through one hand. He does the same with his other fist, and it does the same again. It slips and slithers and slides through Vaughn's fingers and hands,

and it stands atop them. It has a cheeky grin on its face. Great. I'm going to cut this thing to fucking ribbons. I would like to Zephyr Strike this fucking snake. Your first attack is, that's a miss. Your second attack is a hit. Your third attack is a hit.

Your fourth attack is a miss. Did you want to do anything with cards or anything like that? I'd like to miss on another attack. I'm kidding. That's very funny. No, no, that's fine. I'll just do what I can. Alright, cool. So, two hits, one deals, a d8 force damage.

Adam, do dragons speak Draconic? Do dragons speak Draconic? Yes. I could talk to it. Oh my god, talk to it! In Draconic? Do dragons speak Draconic? Yes. I could talk to it. Oh my god, talk to it. In Draconic, before I tell, you've already drawn. No, no, please, if you want. What the fuck are you doing in the woods? Okay, and you strike.

Oh, do you want to do that and then wait for its reply? Yes, and depending on if its reply offends me or not, I will then attack it. All right, I'll consider this damage with you deal you deal 19 points of damage i'm going to consider that damage withheld for now and we'll wait for its turn would you like dragon bait to do something oh because it'll only respond on its turn yeah you gotta wait for its turn i'll make dragon bait's action wait to see what its response is to my question. The dragon lifts itself up on Vaughn's hands and looking down at you from the vantage point that it has been afforded, it says, I am in charge. Fuck me. Would you have still attacked it?

Absolutely. All right. You deal 19 points of damage. It's in charge of, it's annoying. It looks a bit like a snake as well. It's very annoying, but it's a baby. Dragon bait's first attack is way too wide. Wide swing, in fact. Your target may make an attack of opportunity against you.

The dragon lashes out and bites at Dragon Bait. The dragon's fangs sink deep into Dragon Bait's shoulder. He deals Dragon Bait seven points of regular damage and two points of fire damage. I think for a second how he's really living up to his name and decide that that's not something I should say out loud. I say that out loud. On Dragonbait's second attack, don't lose your head.

Oh, God. Quadruple damage. And if the damage you take is equal to or greater than half of your maximum hit points, you are decapitated. No saving throw. We killed a baby, Cass. I don't know it's a baby yet. Ooh, yikes.

I put the fact that I know it's a baby and that we have killed a baby, a toddler, an intelligent toddler with the ability of speech, and I put that in the box in very deep part of myself labelled repressed memories. Labeled redacted. Labeled no. Dragon bait deals 56 points of damage, decapitating the small dragon.

What did he say? Die, meatheads. Oh, God. Fuck. Oh, you are burdened with knowledge. She knows that's a lie. Yeah. You don't know why, but he's lying.

You know he understood as well. You know he's lying, and you can tell that he feels bad and is covering up something. I am too tired. I leave my point. Unfortunately, I think you put one and one together with the size of the dragon. Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, as in I acknowledge that, but my brain sort of comes to that conclusion and goes, no. And I open up my box of no. Box of no. I pop that in there and I'm like, I have to go to bed. Flask of wine shakes his head slowly. What a bad little baby. I open up my no box and just put that straight in because I need to go to sleep.

This whole forest is bad and once I find my dad, the world will be better. The box of no is the antithesis to the little ball of soft. The big box of no deep within our hearts. Is everyone going to bed, Adam? We're staying here. Everyone seems to be unpacking again. Cool, cool, cool. Big monster is slain.

I'm going to take the first watch. All right then. And now once everyone's in Cool, cool, cool. Big monster is slain, so. I'm going to take the first watch. Alright then. And now once everyone's in bed, Adam, I'm going to go and say a prayer over the dead dragon's body. Hey, how many people do you tell about that? It depends. Did anyone see me do it?

It's a Gregory Bones prayer of apology. Prayer for the lost. A little whisper of warps. As you stand back up after delivering a small sermon, do you do anything with the corpse? Yeah, I think I pick it up and, like, put it somewhere respectful. I bury it, I guess. You shove it in a tree.

You dig a little grave? Yeah, I think I bury it. All right. Fuck, we killed a kid. Well, Dragonbait killed the kid. Sorry, is that the sound of someone washing their hands? So you bury a little grave. You make a little grave.

You bury the dragon in it. Cover it up. And as you stand up, having given a ceremony, a little service, you see Flask of Wine staring at you. Flask of Wine says, should I say some words? Um, if you want. Flask of Wine steps up nervously and says, I did not know you. I'm sorry. Flask?

Yes? If you tell anyone about this, I will punch you into tomorrow. All right. See, I've encountered this problem once before. Which part are we not to talk about? Was it that we killed a dragon wormling? Was it that we prayed? Is it that you are religious?

Is it... Please tell me. Just this. This. This. What happened just here. Okay. I will not tell about what happened just here.

Do you need a bowl of soft? No, no. Do I look like I need a ball of soft flask? Flask of wine reaches into his side pouch, still making eye contact with you, rummages around in it for a little bit and produces a small furry ball. You think it's made out of hair.

What do you do with it? Put it in your hand. He gives it to you. I very warily take the ball of soft at him. It is, true to its name, quite soft. Give it a little squeeze. I look around to see if anyone else is awake. And then, like, kind of turning my body away from class, I give it a little squeeze.

You think somewhere in the ball of soft there is some sort of stress toy? As you squeeze, you hear a... I give it back. He takes it. Do you feel better? Look, I would need a very big bowl of soft, but thank you for the thought. Flask of wine starts rummaging around in his backpack. Look, it was a-

He comes out with a basketball-sized bowl of soft. You're not sure what flask of wine has other than this in his backpack. Again, I appreciate the sentiment. I'm a complicated individual flask i would need a globe sized ball of soft flask of wine puts the basket ball of soft back in his backpack and starts repacking it of the many things that have fallen out of it including several pebbles a pencil a lever from some mechanism that you do not know what could have been. You see a Chewinga's mask.

You see a statue of a little tiny carved statue of Cooper Louie that he packs back in. And you see... Oh, Adam. Adam. Adam. You see a chess set where half the pieces are chess pieces and half of them are checkers pieces. And you see an odd-looking deck of cards. I do not say anything about any of the things in his bag because it is private.

And Pop is a man who respects private. Oh, and a great deal of fruits, nuts, and berries. Like, just loose fruits, nuts, and berries, like just loose fruits, nuts, and berries, many of them crushed or mashed. And he still puts them back? Yeah, of course. There he is. Thank you, Flask.

Maybe he eats one of them as he goes. Thank you, Flask. Would you like a walnut? Sure. He hands you half a walnut. I will pay you. You know that. I believe you.

Good. I just, I know that you know, I'm me. I'll pay you. Like, I'm good for it. It's okay. I don't want that to come between our friendship. Right. Good, yeah. I'm gonna take watch again. You can go back to sleep.

All right. Do you have family? Oh, no. Yes. Sure. Everybody has family. No, not everyone. Most people.

I mean, you had to have come from a family. Yeah, I guess. I mean, River river mist was your family so to speak yes yeah yeah like literally so in that sense yes i have i have family oh that's good what about the girl what girl tiffany t yes. Yeah, you know, she's got the old man. What? Her dad. Oh, yes. The one that she's trying to find. Yes.

So there's him. Grace. Have you ever mentioned Hector? I'm sure it would have come up in passing, yeah. The amount I talk, it wouldn't have not come up because i would have gone through the details of how my dad sort of died but not really died but you know he's sort of dead he's dead until i save him you know he's like his body is there but i don't know where his soul is she owns the darkness or she knows the darkness she yeah she knows the darkness yes yeah but just two times just two

she knows two nights yes she knows the darkness twice yes yes anything else i did not know if it was real or not though because she talked about her father's castle, and she talked about the food that she got there, and because her tale ended with a good meal, I wasn't sure if it was a fable or not. No, no, her stories are true. Okay, then. That's good to know. Or bad.

Actually, no, from the content, bad. Yeah, probably bad. Why are you so interested in my family and her family? Just because? Seems like a bonding moment. Right. Sure. You know, a moment where we can get closer as people on our quest to save Chult.

Yeah, right. Fun times. Unless you stop him. He chats with you for the rest of the night. Chalt. Yeah, right. Fun times. Unless you stop him. He chats with you for the rest of the night. I kind of. Until you both go to bed. Yeah, keep talking to him, I guess. All right.

I tell him, I don't tell him much, but I tell him that I'm one of five. He says that he is also one of five. How are you going with your five? Well, one of them, we don't speak much anymore. Ha! And then there would be my other brother, and then my mother and my father. Yeah. I mean, we're the same, except reverse it so there's one we do speak to,

and everyone else is an utter bastard. Ah, yes, my older brother. We do not speak to him either. Yeah, so I have four is an utter bastard. Ah, yes, my older brother, we do not speak to him. Yeah, so I have four of your older brothers. Ah, that is unfortunate. Yeah, right. Are you second watch? Oh, probably, yeah.

Do you just wake up to me and Flask? You would wake her up. Yeah, so I guess if you're both talking, then I guess Flask has second watch. Yeah. Yeah. You want to take over?

Sure. Great. Good night. Good night. Flask wakes you up, Tiffany. Oh. I just feel like talking. Okay.

Okay. It's nearly your watch. I hope you don't mind if I wake you up early. No, no, that's all right. Did you have any good dreams tonight? I have not slept yet. Oh, are you okay? Yes, I am fine.

Do you know why you haven't slept? It feels like destiny, like fate is creeping upon us. Do you think that's scary or exciting? It is a little both, is it not? I'm so excited to see my dad again. It's been a long time since I have seen anyone I have been related to. Yeah. I've almost even begun missing my older brother. What's wrong with your older brother? No good. He is what you would call a bully. A mean person. That's awful. No love. That's not fair. You deserve a lot

of love, Flask. I put my hand on his paw. Tell me more about the meals at your castle. Okay, well. This is adorable. I proceed to tell Flask of Wine about all the meals I received for my birthday, which, okay, let's have a think. And now a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&D is fun But if you're wishing that you could hear questions

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So if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad doesn't believe in entertainment, then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Plumbing the Death Star. So my dad wouldn't have cared. I wouldn't have been home for a lot of them. But the meals at the castle... Oh, no, they... Okay, I probably tell them about really stock standard fancy meals not knowing that i missed out on a lot of the good stuff because the cooks

didn't like me right i'm like wow we had this thing that was steak and they put pepper on it it is what is this pepper it's a little black seed and when you grind it up it makes you sneeze or it tastes funny that is strange do you not think it was very special i've only ever had it at the castle they have lots of them interesting grind them up in stones and sprinkle them on i snuck into the kitchen once and took a big sniff and sneeze and then they they found, and they took me out pretty fast. I didn't get pep for a month after that. This is strange to me. It is insane to think of a person who makes food but does not eat that food.

I have heard of such things in this city. Well, they eat some food. But they don't eat the food that they make. They just make the food, and then someone else eats it. That seems counterproductive. Why would you make food that you are not going to eat fuck i love so much well well when i lived at the castle we had a lot of people who lived with us that that helped so in exchange for getting to live there and us giving them food and some money and whatever else they need, they did some of the jobs that we didn't do. So they'd make the food and they'd clean the castle and then we'd let them live there and we'd pay them and they'd eat and, you know,

I mean they didn't like us. They didn't like me. I don't know. I don't know if they liked my family. I have to assume they did. I mean, they stayed. Mmm, that is interesting. I'd love to give you some pepper one day.

I think you'd really like it. I would like to have some pepper one day. But you have to make sure you crush it with the rocks first, otherwise it's really spicy. Okay. I will not eat the pepper no matter how much i want to no you can have it if you've crushed it you just can't eat the whole thing okay i will have the pepper after i crush it no matter how curious i am about what it is like before if you have

more seeds you can eat them all all right i will be very careful i want to give this giant a pat Oh god he gets a one You do not trust him with pepper The night passes The next day You're travelling Out of We walk out of the jungle

Because we don't need to be in there anymore, obviously. As you're walking out, you can see a figure hanging upside down from a tree. You also hear a soft moaning from the creature upside down as it swings backwards and forwards. Another sound you hear is a snapping and crunching, something feeding. Bat? Were-tiger? What growls? We should be very careful.

We should be very careful. Sorry, that was in my head, not out loud. Well, Flosk of Wine, who is leading the group, indicates it, points that out, and then who? What would you like? I can sneak in. All right, that sounds like a good idea. I'm going to sneak in.

You stealth your way forward. You see several figures. The first one is obviously in some sort of snare trap. Hanging upside down is a zombie. Hanging upside down is a zombie. The zombie is hungrily reaching out towards a cluster of people huddled around a corpse that they are tearing apart. At first you think it's zombies tearing apart an unfortunate soul lost in Chult. But then you realize that the figures tearing the corpse apart are doing so with knives and careful ease. apart are doing so with knives and careful ease you can see as they do so they pull the rotted flesh away and bring it to their mouths they are humans people eating the flesh of a zombie that

they have brought down these guys seem nice they do not notice you as you approach is there anything notable about what they're wearing to help identify them? They look like wild people, people just from here in the jungle. Their clothes, if you could call them that, are tattered and threadbare. Some of them would definitely be wearing clothes that it would appear they've taken from dead adventurers. Oh, this looks like... Okay, okay. I slowly stealth my way back to the party.

As you turn around, you feel something tighten around your leg. You are thrown upwards into the air, and let's go to initiative again. Oh, fuck. Damn it. Have we seen her go up? Yeah, she gives a cry of surprise and terror. Oh. Oh. What?

Oh, no. Or just, hmm? Tiffany, are you acting with flask of wine? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Come get me down. Tiffany, this is going to hurt. Is this an attack or is this just being snapped up by the vine?

This is eight attacks. Okay. As the cannibals move in and feed. Okay. Oh, Tiffany, you weren't on full hit points. I should have been, though, right? I should have been. We've, like, slept for three days, Adam.

I do nothing but sleep. You have one job. I actually have lots of jobs, Adam. I take have been. We've, like, slept for three days, Adam. I do nothing but sleep. You have one job. I actually have lots of jobs, Adam. I take that back. I was rude and I apologise. Please don't give yourself a bad boy card and use it on me to make me deaf. Can we call the bad boy cards the nasty boy cards? Can we call bad boy cards boys I want to date cards?

Because I only date bad boys. Tiffany, you take 31 points of damage. You're so chuffed with that. That's great. I'm real happy with myself. I'm going to have a sip of water after that. Hang on. Sorry.

What happened? Everything was fine and I lived? Split lip. Quadruple damage. You just got a split lip. And spells with a verbal component have a 75% chance of failing until you are healed. Oh, no. You do magic. Oh, no, you do magic.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, my green flame blade. You take 24 further points of damage from that. So for the math aficionados swimming about in the aficionado river. Yeah. What am I on? You're on 17.

Oh, boy. river yeah what am i on you're on 17 oh boy eight cannibals having just feasted upon the flesh of the dead slowly circle around you you see hungry looks in their faces they stick you like a pig from different angles and bring you in several of them take bites out of you. I mean, honestly, I'm more miffed that that means they've gotten through my armor, and I worked really hard on that. Pop and Dragonbait. Buy this, you fucks. Vaughn, smush him.

Vaughn starts sprinting towards them. That's his turn. I'm going to try to get Tiffany down. Dragonbait can get to Tiffany, and that's his turn. Help, help. They're getting their teeth in me. You, Pop, manage to find somewhere deep within you the energy and spirit to sprint to Tiffany's side. Your broken, destroyed leg does not slow you down.

Damn straight. How many cannibals are there? You see eight. And the zombie. Don't forget the zombie, guys, because he's still alive and he'll grab you. Why would you remind me of that? Tiffany, you slam into the zombie, and when that happens, it grabs you and bites you.

Oh, I wish I could have a turn, you know. You take three points of damage, Tiffany. Fourteen, baby! That's not gonna make me dead. Three arrows strike the zombie that is trying to grab you, Tiffany. Oh, that's good. No, no, no. Yes.

Good. Thank you. Artists simmer, attacking it. The zombie goes limp, letting go of you, and its arms just slowly hang beneath it. I think you're last in this initiative, Cass. It sounds like, doesn't it? Yeah.

Hello, initiative. Is Cass last? Oh, she is. Quash just spends his turn getting there. Can you hold, please? You are currently third in the queue. Tiffany and Floss. Finally.

Okay, so I'm being strung up, yes? Mm-hmm. If I were to swing and sort of put myself in a ball, would I be out of harm's way from the people on the ground? They're using spears. Oh. Oh, that's bad. They're using spears.

Oh, that's bad. If I were to swing up, grab the rope above my feet, cut the rope below where I was grabbing, could I drop down onto my feet? I would make that an acrobatics check. That's fine. Yep, let's do that. Adam, I attempt to swing up, use one hand to grab the rope, another to cut the rope of my feet off, and then jump down swiftly, aerodynamically, acrobatically, and most importantly, successfully.

Tiffany, you wrap yourself upwards, you cut through your bindings, and you continue onwards, forwards, bringing your, tucking your legs down below you and then bringing your head back up on top of you. You stick the landing perfectly and are now standing surrounded by the eight cannibals. Phenomenal. What would you like Flosk to do? Shoot with arrow, please.

Shoot with arrow. Is he able to aim in such a way? Is he able to? Shut up. Sorry, go on. I'm having a great time just over here by myself. Is Flask able to aim in such a way that he may skewer several of the humans at once? No, an arrow won't penetrate like that.

So, Tiffany, what is Flask doing? Aiming the bow at the nastiest looking zombie. None of them are zombies. The nastiest looking zombie would be the dead one on the ground. He just fires an arrow into a corpse. There, that zombie will not bother you anymore. Would you like him to move closer as he does it? Yes.

Flask, get them. Help. flask of wine fires two arrows one hits one of the cannibals but it doesn't pierce its leather armor you tiffany get an up-close look at the armor you suspect potentially the leather is human. Yuck. Oh, I think part of me... The second arrow misses entirely. As I notice that the armor is human, the leather armor is human, I get a little flash of, oh, God, if they kill me, I'm going to be subpar workmanship. Does that hurt him more than dying?

It doesn't hurt me in any way, but I don't – the irony does not escape me. The one thing that I've been passionate about, aside from my family – oh, God, that's sad – is leather work, and I could die and be turned into something that is just not of my craft, and that's all I really – that's the only thing I'm proud of. Fair enough. Tiffany, you take 14 points of damage as two spears pierce you from different sides. So that would put me, just again for the mathemagicians at home.

Would put you on zero. Luckily you have the preemptive of healing. Thank gosh. Ten more cannibals spring up from around you. It's an ambush. I fucking hate this fucking jungle. Slowly circle around you, Pop. You feel on the top of your head.

That's your name. Rain starts pouring down. I really hate this fucking jungle. Where's Vaughn? Vaughn is near you. He's going to smush those guys. That's right. Why was Vaughn not closer?

Because I sent him to help you. Why hasn't he helped me? He's on his way. Four score hits on you. Pop, you take 33 points of damage are these do they speak english or chultian or they would speak chultian right you speak chultian yeah yeah uh do you want to say anything yes i don't want to say i would love to say something because i love arguing with the people i'm about to kill you can hear them talking among themselves.

They're discussing how to surround you best. They're talking about maybe one of them hisses, stay away from the metal man. And another one talks, one of them fighting Dragonbait. There's 18 in total. One of them fighting Dragonbait says, I cannot wait to sink my teeth into his scaly hide. With a nice key hand. wait to sink my teeth into his scaly hide. Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da. With a nice Chianti.

And some fava beans. Oi, you fucking dirty rats. It speaks our language. Yeah, it does speak your fucking language. I'm gonna give you a tip. How about this? You can fuck off into the jungle. I'll pretend I've never seen you none of them are taking you up on the offer right good i was hoping you'd say that because what i'm actually

going to do is i'm going to cut you from your balls to the top of your fucking head this is the second round of combat so you don't get that extra attack but you do still have your three yeah and i want to use um zephyr strike hell. You cast Zephyr Strike and start lashing out at the cannibals around you. Your first attack, hit, miss, hit. So your first attack, you deal 8 plus 5, 13 points of damage. You slash out with your sickle, cutting one of them in the belly. Your second follow-up attack with the hammer is a miss. But then you strike out again

with your sickle and with eight more points of damage you drive the sickle into his neck wedge it in there rock it backwards and forwards and when you bring it out blood starts pouring heavily out of his neck wound he cries out pain, grabs it and hits the ground. He starts writhing and dying in the dirt. The rest of this battle will be filled with his cries. Oi, morons, ate your friend. One of them licks their lips. You think they just fucking might.

What do you want Dragonbait to do? Kill. Dragonbait strikes strikes him cutting off one of his hands but that does not stop the cannibal from progressing his second attack cuts off the cannibal's other hand the handless cannibal falls to the ground rocking backwards and forwards clutching at its arms see now he got no hands, so you can eat him even easier. And Vaughn. Yeah, just kill.

Kill the cannibals. Yeah, you already gave Vaughn a- Oh, no. Oh, Vaughn, what are you doing, you monster? Holy fucking- I love Vaughn so much. Yes, Vaughn, yes, Vaughn, yes, Vaughn, yes, Vaughn! Vaughn's the brother I wish I had. Vaughn slams his fist into one of the cannibals.

You hear what you can only describe as every single bone in the cannibal's body break at once. It's like the cannibal just got hit by a dump truck. Its corpse sails for 20 feet and then strikes a tree, wrapping around the tree almost completely. Then on Vaughn's second attack. Oh, I love him so much. Vaughn takes damage for me. I forgot that. That's so good.

Can we refer to any time Vaughn attacks? Sorry, Vaughn should have taken 15 points of damage and you are healed 15 points of damage. I always forget that. I, Hey, I forgot we had him. I forget he's with us constantly.

It's so dumb. Cause he's enormous. Vaughn grabs a second. One of the cannibals lifts him up to his full height. Vaughn's full height arms him. And then that looks like the correct form of a javelin. Yeah. He, he shot, uh, she shot, And then. That looks like the correct form of a javelin. Yeah.

He shot. Shot puts. Shot puts the cannibal. You do not see the cannibal land. You just hear like a. And then it's gone. This is what love feels like. Okie dokie.

I, again, look, you could keep fighting us for all this effort. You have three perfectly good meals in front of you. Artus Simba keeps moving forward. He's at you guys now. He drops his longbow and draws his dagger. He slashes at one of the cannibals. Oh, dear. Artus, no. His first attack.

That's an excellent card. That means he did such a good job, he gets to do it again. That is so exciting. Ardus Simber lunges forward and the cannibal sidesteps. As Ardus Simber swings, he realizes too late that the cannibal was standing on a particularly muddy patch of grass. Ardus Simber nearly does a full set of splits. He manages to recover and slashes twice with his dagger bookmark. When he does that, he scores a crisscross hit

on another one of the cannibals, killing him. Quasha points at a small cluster of the cannibals, raising his hands and bathing them in poison. Hey! Get it, girl. Two of the cannibals take seven points of poison damage from accidentally breathing in Quasha's spell. Then it is Tiffany and Flask.

Tiffany, your necklace finally kicks into gear and stabilizes you am i still conscious you're lying on the ground well actually you know what i never do i always forget to do this i want to do this more often you're lying on the ground you're still well you're not in saving throws you're just on zero hit points so you can't act or do anything but you're conscious you're lying on the ground looking at your belly with your guts before you you look around and you you maybe you see you lock eyes with pop you can say one word help what would you like flask of wine to do um keep them away from me as much as possible. Try and kill the cannibals, but put himself between me and the cannibals.

Flask of Wine does a little acrobatic roll, landing on the muck and grass. And when he comes to a complete stop, he has his knee on one side of you, Tiffany, and his foot planted firmly on the other side standing over you in a protective stance as he does so he fires two arrows plugging each of the cannibals that had breathed in poison previously killing both of them then it is the cannibals turn with fewer in number, they nonetheless continue their attacks. They score fewer hits this time. Only one of them manages to spike you, Pop. Pop, you take

only three points of damage. It's a very glancing blow. Clearly his heart was not in it. You only take one point of damage. Vaughn soaks up the rest. I've been fired on worse than that. Pop and Dragon, babe. That's so fucking up the rest. I've been farted on worse than that. Pop and dragon bait. I'm so fucking gross.

I thought I'd tell. I was like, nah, she's solid air water. Pop and dragon bait, it's your turn. Well, if Horn keeps smashing, I'm going to go and save Tiffany. Well, you can get to Tiffany. What would you like to do? Cure wounds level two. Tiffany, you recover ten hit points.

You right, horns? They ate me. They ate me. They ate me. I'm just staring at my wounds and remembering. They ate me. It's a part of what they ate. Do not come back.

Ever. You'd need a more powerful healing spell. Vaughn, boom, hits one of the cannibals fist, not fist deep, about halfway into the mud, then kicks the cannibal, breaking it backwards. Fuck, I love Vaughn. See, they hate you. We fuck them up.

Tiffany, you're leaning down. Oh, you're lying there. Sorry. As pop is leaning down over you, running a hand slowly over your guts, knitting them back together. Magically. You see your intestines slowly slip back in. Look, look somewhere else.

Look over there. Look at me. There we go. Don't look. Look here. I see wings on your arms. Slowly close. There we go.

Don't look. Don't look here. You see wings on your arms slowly close up? There we go. Don't look down. Chunks that they had bitten out of you just scar over. Hey, don't look where you've been eaten. Look at me. Horns. And Dragonbait continues to fight? Yes. Oh, Dragonbait.

Roll better. It's all right. Thorn is going to punch every single one that took a bite out of you. Off balance. Until they can't feel anything anymore. All enemies that attack you before your next roll add a D6 to their attack. How many enemies? There's 10 cannibals left.

Artus sheathes Bookmark, digs his boot into the muck. Big nerd with his dumb dagger. And flicks up his longbow again, grabbing it in the middle of the air. That's hot. He fires three arrows. If this was a movie, would Art of Simba be Keanu Reeves? He'd probably be Orlando Bloom. Eh.

I mean, I'd get behind that. He plugs one of the cannibals three times. Once in the crotch, once in the chest, once in the head. The cannibal's head rocks backwards and you hear a cracking sound. The cannibal goes limp like a marionette with its strings cut. Did I say this, Adam? Yes. Or am I too busy healing?

Yeah, you're aware of it. Great. I immediately have more respect for Artis because he shot a man in the dick. Oh, is that all he needs to do? Dick shots from now on. And quasha. Because it is something that Pip would never

do. And quasha. He casts poison spray again, I guess. Netting two different cannibals in his go, in his blast. Both of them fail their saving throws, coughing up blood, and then eventually parts of their own lungs. Two cannibals collapse, dead.

Yay! Seven. Then it is Tiffany and Flask's turn. Look, I'm gonna to take a guess. You've still got Flask of Wine standing over you, so maybe he steps off you. Yeah. My guess is that I can do nothing right now.

No, you're fine. I'm on ten, I suppose, yeah. You could just lie there if you wanted to. No, that's not fair. Tiffany's just in shock, lying there going, they ate me. They ate you. I would like to stay where I'm sitting and cast Witch Bolt.

All right. You maybe roll onto your belly, put a hand in the muck, lift yourself up a little bit, and aim a Witch Bolt at one of the cannibals just as a first level spell? Second. Second level spell? Okie dokie. And Flask may kill again. again electricity bathes one of the

cannibals the cannibals body jerks and rides and then its corpse jerks and rides and the cannibal collapses you have created a cannibal just thought of that that's's very clever. All right. So. Oh, and you wanted Flask to continue the killing. Yes. Flask of Wine plugs one of them, dealing five points of damage. And on his second shot, thigh piercing. No, pierced thigh. Sorry, wrong way around. Did he get him in the thigh gap?

He absolutely did. And then he absolutely did his second attack does 30 points of damage so i guess the first attack was a shot uh was flask of wine shooting him in the guts the cannibal drops his spear and grabs the arrow doubling over in pain flask of wine's second arrow blasts the cannibal's leg apart somehow with enough force to be nearly explosive the cannibal's leg is completely severed from his body and he collapses very dead then it is the cannibal's turn five of them left. I hope they feel embarrassed as they die. They're like, oh no. I lost the fight and I die

hungry. Wow. Holy shit. They're fighting to the end. Was that to say if they'd run away? Yeah, if they'd run away. All of them did really well. Some cost. One of them charging towards you, Pop, you see as a branch

smacks him in the face. Momentaryary confusion you don't add your proficiency bonus to your attacks for one round the other one however coming from a different angle scores a hit dealing three points of damage once again they seem scared of you pop they don't want to close in on you too much you take one point of damage and Vaughn takes the other. You know at this point it's just fucking embarrassing watching you lot fuck up like this. Tiffany, one of them throws a javelin at you. I catch

it expertly. The javelin sticks into the mud in front of you and on your turn, if you want, you can grab it. Yeah, I'm going to bite them with the hand that I don't want to feed them. I don't want to make that. Before that, Pop and dragon bait. I'm trying to see if I can tell them to run away. You want to make them run away?

Yeah. As an action, you can intimidate and you can get dragon bait to help and you can get Vaughn to help. Yeah, I'd like to make like an Avengers pose of just me, dragon bait, and Vaughn behind us. And just point out there's just corpses everywhere. Dragonbait succeeds,

so you get a plus two to this check. Vaughn, I'd say, gives you advantage to the roll. I rolled your advantage. You rolled a one and a twenty. So, get a good boy card. The cannibals look like the morale of the cannibals breaks. They are going to use their next turn to run.

Ardis and Quasha, they are giving them no quarter. Ardis Simba looks at Quasha. Quasha looks at Ardis Simba. They nod. And even though they can see that the cannibals are going to turn and flee, Ardis Simba knocks another arrow. My respect for this man is growing. Yeah, he's pretty good.

Art of Simber's first attack, poke in the belly, triple damage. As one of them is turning around, Art of Simber deals 27 points of damage to him, shooting the man in his belly, his gut. The arrow maybe catches the side of his belly, tearing it open and spilling his guts out before him. The man's legs become tied with his own intestines. Oh my God. And as he turns, he collapses forward.

I just thought it was even Scooby-Doo running on his own guts. Oh, I probably did. Artisimbra's second attack deals nine points of damage to another one. Then four. He brings down two in total on his turn. Quasha draws. No, he's going to keep going with this poison spray. He can target one only, though.

So there's three left and they're running away. Yeah. Good. One of them is bathed in poison and begins coughing up blood. As the cannibal starts trying to run away, he slowly stumbles forwards onto his knees and hands and dies vomiting blood. Two left. With the tables turned on the cannibals, is it even possible that they could win?

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