D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #13 Omu

Episode Date: May 9, 2020

Sign up to our newsletter here. Join our facebook group here.You can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Podkeep | USB Tapes | MerchWant to get in contact with us?Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Adam | Cass | Tom | Jackson | ZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Mia (AtomicCupcakes). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pans Radio. Tell me, do you want to go? Before we get into today's episode, I think we have Tom Walker here. Beautiful man, comedic genius, giver of treats to eyes and ears. Oh boy. Tell us, Tom, what wondrous delights do you have for your adoring fans and soon-to-be fans? I will not! You bring joy! Tell us about your

greatness. Well, Cass, thank you so much for asking, and thanks for reading that script I sent through. I've got an Amazon Prime special. It's called Very Very, and it's going to be available on that streaming service. You can get a free trial if you want to watch it, or you can use your existing Amazon Prime subscription. And those are the two options, as far as I can tell.

But yeah, it's my show that I did last year, and it's really good. I'm really proud of it. You should be. Jackson and I were there, as well as a lot of Sandspence people were there for the screening, and I saw it, I think, three times before that. I cannot recommend this comedy special enough. It would do you well and improve your life greatly to watch it. Don't be a moron.

Go subscribe to Amazon Prime if you haven't already. If you've already subscribed, like we said, that's great news. It's a flex, to be honest, but that's fine. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. Welcome to Season 2, Episode 13 of Zombie Plagued Cholt.

Yeevy as pre. The person smiles at you. We all see this, yeah? Yep. I jump up right next to you. What in the name of grateful fuck is this? Hello. Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you. What in the name of grateful fuck is this? Hello. Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you. What the fuck were you doing in my bag? This is another classic

example of, man, don't you wish you could be polite or nice sometime? Yes. Cass, Tom would like to apologise in advance. That's alright, Tom. Pops will apologise for nobody. They call him Flame. Like as in F-L-A-M-E. Like the fire. That's alright, Tom. Pops will apologise for nobody. They call him Flame.

Like as in F-L-A-M-E. Like the fire. That's not cool. Do they know? Can we roll for perception to see if they know it's not cool? What's your name, Flame? My name? Why, my name is Flame White Paper.

Mate, I've been on Chul for months. I've died four times. You don't fucking scare me. Bourne, throw him in the jungle. In the event of your demise. That's right. If I'm about to die, use Q and W. I think I said both.

I think it was both. Pop, you have unwisely chosen to start a fight with several knights of the gauntlet. One of the knights from one side hammers into the back of your shell. It cracks and fractures. The other knight at the same time brings his sword down onto your head. You feel your skull fracture around your brain.

You are on 36 points well that happened quick tiffany one of the knights slices into your belly you double forwards the other knight puts a hand on your shoulder and drives his great sword through your chest tiffany everything goes black but i don't die but i don't die but i don black. But I don't die, but I don't die, but I don't die. But you don't die. You immediately, the periapt of health, is it correct? Periaptive wound closure. Sorry, periapt of wound closure.

So you're not stabilized yet, but you will stabilize at the start of your turn. In addition, whenever you roll hit dice to regain hit points, you... Oh my god, I get double health whenever I i recover so i should have been fine you should actually be on uh with all said and done because you would have gone to max hit points because you couldn't have gotten 80 hit points back you would currently be on 32 hit points oh so you're not dead oh so you're not dead you're on 32 hit points because you, so you're not dead. Oh, so I'm not dead? No, you're not dead. You're on 32 hit points because you would have recovered. When you rested, you would have recovered double the regular number of hit points.

Oh, just the idea that I'm like, oh my God, this blow will do me and I fall over and I'm like, I feel fine. I still feel pretty fine. That did go through my heart, but I still feel... All right. Magic. Self-belief.

That still happens though with the greatsword. You have a greatsword sticking out of your chest. Can I pretend to die? I don't think I've ever played dead in this game. You can try if you want. I've done it that often. I think I'm going to be good at it. Well, you can do that on your turn, which is soon to come.

It's Dragonbait and Ardacimber's turn. Dragonbait, swing, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. He strikes twice, dealing, oh, that's a lot of hit points, 24 points of damage. He scores, he's winning against his knight, but he's not winning fast enough, if you know what I mean. This battle's turning south quickly. And then Artisimbra, you know what?

Artisimbra's keeping it up. He fires again. That's our boy Artis. Remember when he almost quit? Oh, gosh. That was just your fault. Yes. Hey, 44 again.

He kills three knights. That's my boy. with a second explosion dealing them all 88 points in total that was just me not pop but i said a lot pop but i meant artist simba as he lowers his fist uh tiffany and quasha what would you like to do? Oh, you feign death? Yes. Wouldn't you like Quasha to assist? I'm faking my own death. Yeah, you technically can. I would like, can I save Quasha's attack for when they do something?

Is that still something you can do? Yeah. What I want to do is I want to fake my own death, and I want Quasha to be like, oh, no, like just stand there, and maybe it's like, oh, no, he's so shocked. And then when they turn around to leave my dead body, he gums them up facing away from me. And when you turn around. So you can sneak attack both of them.

Yeah. You can already sneak attack them. Okay. Yeah. Look, you can try to fake your own death, but then like, they're going to fight Quasha if they're not fighting you. How,

how healthy is Quasha? Quasha can probably take a bit of a battering, but you're also, he's had a good run. He's best friends. You're also basically giving up your turn to bluff. You can, if you want.

I did it three times. I would like to take, I would give you, actually, you would get advantage on your attack if you did that. I would like to fake my own death this turn, and I would like Quasha to save his attack until they turn away from me. I would like him to ready Entangle,

and then as soon as they are not facing me anymore, and go to attack someone else because I am dead. If you want, you could just cast Entangle on them. There's no real reason to wait. If it's not going to have any tactical advantages. You can do it either way. It doesn't really matter. It's cooler, Adam.

It's cooler. Okay, well, I word it like this so it seems like it makes more sense. I would like to fake my own death, and I would like Quasha to sort of, acting shocked, step away a bit. Like, oh, no, i hope no one attacks me and then as they come to attack him to in use entangle on them all right so you attempt to act dead unfortunately you have a great sword sticking in your chest so hey the great sword is a plus because like having a having a giant sword sticking out of your chest makes you look hell of dead but unfortunately it's a disadvantage because anytime he moves it you scream oh that's a shame yeah it's it's really it's really fucking painful

yeah you definitely failed they definitely are aware that you are not dead. In your professional opinion. So you rolled a four. Okay, so the roll was bad, not my idea. No, not your idea. The roll was quite bad, yeah. In your professional opinion, if I were to, say, re-roll. You are statistically likely to get a better number if you re-roll. Well, then, Adam, I would like to.

What's your good boy card there do? Succeed on a saving throw. Well, this is a plus day. I don't know. Saving throw. So we'll sacrifice mine. I love teamwork. I love secret teamwork that our characters don't know about.

You know what I said? Statistically, it was a, I think like statistically you had, a 70, 75% chance of getting a better number. But I constantly defy the odds. But you had a 25 to 30% chance of getting a worse number. So that happened. You instead have rolled a two. Would you like to spend any more cards on this? No.

Yeah, okay. No. Statistically, you have a 90... Oh yeah, you'll do a lot better now. A 80% 99 seems a bit high. Well, she can only roll a 1 and every

other number is higher than that. Hey! What? Should I do it? Should I chuck in my last good boy card? You've got your prayer wrapped and I'm pretty tough. Yeah! Done. Whoops. If this comes off as a one, that'll be so fucking funny. That will be very funny.

No, it is better. But it's not enough. You still fail. You're on the phone. Oh, my God. Just the idea that I get impaled and then my next move is. And they just jiggle the sword around. Just the idea that I get impaled and then my next move is, ugh, ugh, ugh. And they just jiggle the sword around.

Because it was 4-1-5. It'd be like, ugh, dead. It's bad, terrible, not as bad. Look, it's the best that you've done all night. So then it is. Oh, did you want Quasha to still hold his action? No, I would prefer if he attacked now. Entangled? Yes, please.

One of the knights is entangled as vines explode out from beneath them, but the other is not. The leader of the group gets up and starts sprinting again, but he cannot get very far towards you this time. He, like, maybe covers half of the distance that he was thrown away. And the scout continues firing. The scout's going to plug. Guess what we forgot again.

Oh, Vaughn takes half my damage. Yep. You recover 33 hit points, or you wouldn't have taken that much damage. And Vaughn instead takes 33 points of damage, which he recovers 10 hit points every round. He is very sturdy. Fuck, I love Vaughn so much. The scout... Gonna marry him instead.

...fires two arrows at you, both of which strike you, and they're gonna do not enough for what they're trying to do, which is kill you. Can I talk to him, Adam? Talk to who? Has he just shot me and has this done fuck all? He does four damage in total and Vaughn also takes four points of damage.

What would you like to say? You could talk if you wanted to. I'll renege my deal because you're a fucking useless scout. It's your turn, Bob. Yeah, great. Are there knights near me? Yeah. There's one I was fighting, right? There's two, your turn, Bob. Yeah, great. Are there knights near me? Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's one I was fighting, right.

There's two, I believe, left. Two still. I want to give Vaughn the instruction. Could he just kick the Scout from where he is? Like just punt him into the woods? You could get to the Scout. Yeah, you could kick him. I just really like the idea of him punting,

just constantly just knocking people far away, and then they have to get back up and come could kick him. I just really like the idea of him punting, just constantly just knocking people far away, and then they have to get back up and come back to him. I'd like to give him the standing instruction that any time the flame gets close, just pick him up, throw him into the jungle. Is that all you want him to do? That's a standing instruction for the remainder of this fight. Okay. But right now I want him to kick the scout, punt the scout into the sky.

All right. He moves to the scout. Gives him a good, solid kick. And then I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to Zephyr strike the knight that's near me that I'm fighting. Vaughn in three steps is in front of the scout. The scout in the local Chiltian language just says, no, no, no, no, no.

And then, thwop, Vaughn kicks him. He doesn't fly far, only like five feet, but he takes 12 points of damage. And he's far away. Yes, a little bit. Yeah. Un petit. You, casting Zephyr Strike, start slashing at the knight before you. That is a hit, a hit, and a critical hit.

Your boss got to stop this at any time, you useless fucking wankers. You deal. That's right. I'm trying to disillusion them to their cause, like that other guy we got earlier who let us kill the fat wizard. Were they working for these guys? Was the fat wizard for these guys? No, he was the fae, wizards of fae.

Oh, there are so many gangs. And I hate all of them. There's a gang problem in this zombie-infested forest. Your final attack, sliced tendon, triple damage, and the target speed is reduced to five feet until the end of the target's turn. He's also blind, isn't he? Yeah. Whoops.

How is he coming back? Although he had his turn last round, so he actually would still be. He's not blind anymore. It only lasted for a round. No, but he's in trouble again. Yes. I don't know if he's going to survive this. Your critical hit will kill him.

So you down one of the five remaining knights. One of them goes down. So you, you have destroyed the grill in front of his eyes. You can see heavy blood gushing down into his eyes, obscuring his vision, but not completely. He can see you and he sees what you do. You swing low with your sickle. He's wearing plate armor, heavy, powerful plate armor, but with your sickle, you puncture past his knee braces and into his knee itself. You wedge in, hooking, and then drag forwards, bringing his leg up as if he were kicking up into you. But instead of allowing him to do that, you then bring your hammer down on his thigh.

You feel metal crumple, and you're pretty sure if you haven't bruised it badly, you might have even broken his tibia. Then, bringing both of your weapons quickly away, he stumbles forward and past you as he stumbles past you you hook into that same leg and then flip him upside down and kill him when he hits the ground it's with a wet thud and you are fairly certain he is if not dead at the very least out of this fight actually no you would probably hear moaning from somewhere

in the armor he's face down in the jungle so so you just hear like a like a slightly obscured by the mud you can tell that he's not dead but he is dying yeah cool i'm not gonna fucking help him uh is there another knight near me that's like yeah there's one other great i point my sickle at him all right next unless you walk away then it is oh uh and flux away and he's gone it's their turn they're battle hardened soldiers they don't care they will in a minute the knight attacking you pop scores a decent hit when he slashes at your chest underneath your guard as you're still bringing your sickle down maybe to point at him he uses that intimidation as an opportunity to attack you you take 11 points of damage well in total you take 11 points of damage vaughn takes 11 points of damage as well

then the two knights fighting you tiffany one of them extracts himself from the vines. That's his turn, but he's free now. The other one attacks you twice. His first attack, you slip under his guard, and he tries to track you with his greatsword. When he does that, you can see that he twists his ankle in an awkward position, and you hear like a sharp, ah, somewhere in that helmet. Good fail. Stupid knight.

up in somewhere in that helmet. Good sale. Stupid knight, stupid knight relied on his metal cage that ended up being his tomb. Stupid knight. And that's where your cackling ends, when he hits you with the end of his pommel and then spins around to strike you with the blade of his greatsword. You take 14 points of damage. I don't think it of his greatsword. You take 14 points of damage.

I don't think it's a greatsword. Then it's Dragonbait and Art of Simbra's turn. Oh, Dragonbait. Too much flourish. Drop your weapon and make a DC 14 dexterity saving throw. On a failed save, take the weapon's normal damage. That's not good for Dragonbait. Dragonbait's going to faility saving throw on a failed save take the weapon's normal damage that's not good for dragon bait dragon bait's gonna fail that saving throw dragon bait spins in a in a move that you would describe as having too much flourish when he does so it's like the scene from indiana jones

dragon bait's doing like a really cool maneuver but the knight just hits him in the head dragon bait stumbles backwards dropping his sword as he drops his sword you see it slice through his leg a fountain of blood begins to well up slowly at first but then it builds pressure and pressure and pressure and still then until the knight in front of him is bathed in dragon bait's blood. Dragon bait collapses. What does it smell like, Adam? It smells like blood. I don't have that smell. Okay, let's have a look.

Oh, no, I've got brimstone. I've got wood smoke. I read that as weed snake. I always read wood smoke as mood strike because I wrote it so poorly. I wrote it to look like wheat snake. I'm like, I went to go read it. My brain was like, oh, you'll figure it out. Artis Simber.

Oh, that's brimstone. It looks like briar store. Artis Simber takes out his longbow. At first you're like, use the fucking ring of winter. Maybe, well, actually you probably just think Artis Simber should use the fucking ring of winter maybe maybe well actually you probably just think artisimba should use the fucking ring of winter tiffany you are because you know a bit about magic oh you both know more magic but tiffany maybe knows a bit more about tiffany you have empathy and also you have empathy it's it's not knowledge it's care you think that maybe

artisimba could be reserving some energy for like a long haul later on. Or you think maybe the Ring of Winter, because you know that its well of magic isn't endless. So you're like, maybe he's just out of magic. Until Artisimba starts drawing arrows. As he draws arrows, Artisimba is wreathed in red energy. It coalesces up along his arm and into his arrows he knocks and draws the arrows three all at once and you see the the red energy begin to move up up his neck and into his face and eyes it's his special power never missy johnson artisimbra

scores three critical hits. Fuck. Oh, what a good first one. He's going to fire at the leader, to be honest. Chink in the armor. Quadruple damage, and the target becomes vulnerable to piercing damage for one minute. So all of his other attacks will deal double damage on top of any other damage that they've already doubled or whatever. Fuck yes. He's throwing all three arrows at the leader? Yeah.

Second one. Distracting jab. Double damage, which it'll now be quadruple damage. And the target must make a DC 12 constitution saving throw on a failed save. The target has disadvantage on their next attack. And distracting jab. Quadruple damage, which will now be what's eight times. Octuple damage. Octuple damage.

Octuple damage, and the target is disadvantaged on attacks until the end of the encounter. Can't wait to watch a man explode when he's hit with an arrow. All right. It's like a slow building thing. It's like Artisimber in a brief, in six seconds of combat, Artisimber just temporarily becomes a machine gun. The first attack.

Somewhere nearby on the battlefield, pop comes. The first attack is 32 points of damage. Cool, cool, cool, cool. The second attack is 40 points of damage okay nice the third attack eight times whatever that was 10 oh 80 points of damage of course 10 times it is 80 is this guy dead his hit points his hit point total was 58 okay so he was actually dead after the second shot because because he got thrown a couple of times and that hurt him too actually you know what because he's dead after that second shot artisember uses the third shot on a different night dropping that one because oh

wow so artisember as he fires the arrows, instead of three at once, he fires one. It strikes the leader in the chest. He doubles over. Artis Simba's next shot goes straight through his head and out his ass, dragging the man's entire innards out with him. The man is turned inside out. Oh, I love it. It's gory as fuck. Inside out. Oh, I love it.

It's gory as fuck. Artis Simba drops to a knee, knocks his third and final arrow, and fires it at the man, Tiffany, that is behind you, attacking you. You can see he's got like the man behind you has his sword planted in you at this moment. You feel like a jerk and then something heavy hit the ground behind you. It was Quasha. He missed.

Oh, my gosh. He you. It was Quasha. He missed. Oh, my gosh. He did active damage to Quasha. Quasha is now dead. Is combat over? Is that everyone? No, there are three knights left and the scout. Tiffany and Quasha, it's your turn. Quasha will heal Tiffany.

Tiffany will stay safe. Tiffany, you recover 10 hit points as Quasha puts a hand on your back and channels healing energy into you. Maybe I do maybe a bit of a cheeky witch bolt at a knight who can't hit me. There is still another knight in melee range with you. I've run out of melee range, please.

You can do that as your turn and you can move 60 feet away from him so he can't actually get to you. Well, of melee range please you can do that as your turn and you can move 60 feet away from him so he can't actually get to you well he could get to you but he couldn't fight you on your next turn i would like that right you just leave i high five quasha get the good shit and dash maybe quasha also retreats 30 feet as well just to get out of that dangerous situation the veteran is dead but the scout attacks. The scout's going to try and plug you again. The scout is not a hardened warrior.

A morale... No, the scout turns tail and sprints away. Then it is your turn, Pop. Is there still an ICMA? Yep. I really want to try to intimidate these guys one more time. Okay. What am I going to do?

Right. I'll give you advantage. You'll give me advantage on this? Yep. Okay. Did you just see what my friend did to your flame? His asshole is 30 metres into the fucking woods. He's 30 metres in the woods.

The asshole is probably an extra 60. That. I told you I'd send you home in a box box or you could turn around and walk away right now all right do you want a flask of wine's gone do you want vaughn to do anything i want vaughn to help me intimidate vaughn turns around puts his hands on his hips which maybe you think that looks intimidating it it gives you the plus two because they're like fuck it's vaughn but it doesn't actually look intimidating do you know what i mean yeah yeah just just imagine something without a face just doing this for those of you listening at home handsome thomas stood, put his jumper on his face to obscure it, and has his hands on his hips.

It's their turn. All right. They back down. They leave. It becomes a general retreat. You could chase after them if you wanted to, but two of them are actually unscathed in the fight, so tracking them down wouldn't be easy.

Ah, let's let them go. All right. So let me tally. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves while I tally the experience for that fight. You right, Hornece. No, no. Not really. I run up to Artis and give him a big hug, and I say, thank you.

Thank you. Think nothing of it. I can't. Thank you so much. It was everything. He hugs you. Ah, yeah. It's what you wanted.

Fast, you can come back now that everyone's dead flask of wine returns after like 20 minutes he was out of earshot he's just waiting till he thinks everything's fine cool um in that time uh oh dragon? Dragonbait, oh yeah, Dragonbait collapsed. Can I go with that? Yes, let's stabilize Dragonbait. If I put the wound closure on Dragonbait and then take it off? No, it requires an hour of attunement. And you can't do that when you're not conscious. Do you just heal him with magic? Do I need to do that or do I need to stabilize it?

You can make a medicine check to stabilize it. Oh no, fuck it, I'll just heal him. Yeah. Level one? Level one, yeah. All can make a medicine check to stabilize it. Oh, no, fuck it. I'll just heal him. Yeah. Level one? Level one, yeah. All right. He recovers 11 hit points. So I'll do a level one on dragon bait.

I'll do a level two on myself. And a level two on... Yeah, you're in trouble. Level two on you. You each gain 3,500 experience points. Yep, you both will be going up a level the next time you rest. Woo! That means.

Oh, no, we know what this means, Adam. What does it mean? Oh, fucking hell. If I play this in a nightclub, I'd take my clothes off. Yeah, but you take your clothes off for anything in a nightclub. It's actually got a really great beat. Man, drop takes ages to get here. It does.

Hang on. Don't you accidentally always open the ten-minute version? No, I opened a six-minute version that faded out. It didn't even do the bit I wanted it to do, which was the Here we go. Maybe this one does it. Alright, we'll try it again. I'm just going to scroll to the end because I just want to make sure

it has the sound I want. Oh, it's loading. Oh my gosh. Oh boy, this is what a quality production we are. We've got my free YouTube video to buffer so I can get the payoff of the do, do, do, do, do. Do you know what? It's not going to happen, guys.

All right. So, Pop, you do some healing. What are you going to do? So I'm healing Dragon Bait with my level one. He gets 11 hit points. I heal Tiffany with a level two. Magical healing. Magical healing.

18 hit points for Tiffany. I would also like to do second level on myself. On yourself? On your good self? You recover 15 hit points. Cool. You good, horns? No.

Let's push on. Let's push on. All right. I can't die, remember? Kind of everyone needs some healing. can't die remember uh kind of everyone needs some healing so quash is going to spend all of his magic today for today healing people a bunch of the npcs needed help like flask of wine dragon bait they need a lot more healing costra gives them everything that he has and artisan were probably even as well would you like to spend any more magic healing them up? I would like to

heal, contribute to Flask's healing considering he was fighting with me when he got nearly dead. You heal Flask of Wine? Yeah. With one or two? Level one or two. They're not real people, they're only worth level one. Alright, you give a level one to Flask of Wine?

I don't mean, I don't, no, okay, I don't mean because he's a tabaxi, I mean, because he's an NPC. Cool. As neither of you are tabaxi, just letting you know that all tabaxis are NPCs. Your expression changed in such a delightful way. I was like, oh yeah, this makes sense. I was like, no, what? Because neither, this makes sense. I was like, no, what?

Because neither of you are orcs. All orcs are NPCs. Oh, that's what we're looking for. Let's go. All right. The rest of the day is shockingly uneventful. Pleasantly uneventful.

I think you'll find. Oh, with one exception. What? No, Adam. Also, you probably should get some loot from most people oh yeah

we definitely rob them rob them blind so you recover gems worth 60 gold pieces yes anything of value is kept by pop and a suspiciously unremarkable roll of paper marked with a few uncommon words oh suspiciously unremarkable you say what do the words say let's say then three times in a mirror do you really say the words out loud? No. I've seen Evil Dead. Also, no, I'm an archaeologist. I'm not reading anything out loud ever.

We read them with our eyes, Bert. You can tell that it is a spell of distort value. Oh, who sees it first? You see it first, Pop. You cast the spell on an object of no more than one foot on a side, doubling the object's perceived value by adding illusionary flourishes or polish to it, or reducing its perceived value by half with the help of illusionary scratches, dents, and other unsightly features. Anyone examining the object can ascertain its true value

with a successful intelligence check against your spell save DC. What's that? What's that? What's what? And now, a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that you could hear actual comedians joke circles around us and actually be funny, then do I have news for you. funny then do i have news for you big soft titty dot png is a show by demi lardner and tom walker where they as my dad calls it aren't as good as the tv show mash because they never swore so if you like the sound of that or if you want to know why my dad won't talk to any of my co-workers then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for big soft titty dot png what's what does it say what's that say I try and lean over to see what it says.

It's a spell of making things look better. Oh. It can also make them look worse. Oh. Did you mention that? Oh, no. You know what? I do.

You do mention it? Yeah. Out loud for the whole party? Just to Tiffany. All right. Oh, so we could, like, disguise something. It seems useful. I just don't know what we'd use it for.

I mean, say you were, I don't know. One of you might want to record spell scroll of distort value. Only one of you. Hey, Cass. Yeah? I'll write spell scroll. You write of distort. Done.

And thus the party lost a spell scroll you know well it could be used to um say you had a incredibly valuable artifact that was worth a lot and looked really nice you can make it look like shit and no one took it off you oh i say defeatedly understanding that this is not something i will see used or potentially you could take a silver coin and make it look gold. That seems like a waste. We have gold. Well, you have gold.

Yeah, sure. The fact you don't see the inherent value of something like this means that you should probably have it. Yeah, I'll take it. We could make Vaughn look so fancy. We could make Vaughn look so unvaluable and no one would want him. I feel bad. I want Vaughn.

Vaughn, doesn't matter what Vaughn looks like, look at him. You can make him look like shit and people would still fire over him. He can punch a tree into a man. I could make him do that right now. into a man, I could make him do that right now. I think for a moment as to whether this scroll, if I used it wrong, could make me look nice when I met my dad. Do I know enough about magic to know that that wouldn't work? It could make your clothes look nicer.

Temporarily. No, that's no good. The thought passes. I think, yes, he's right. The spell is safe with me oh man my fucking eye flaming fucks as you continue onwards flask of wine spots and gestures up ahead the scout that you let escape or that ran away you see his corpse stuffed into a tree, broken and mangled. The corpse is stuffed into a space that was not large enough

to allow for a human. Oh. Frankly, that's what he deserves. I sort of hang my head a bit. I feel bad for the scout. That's that person's flask. I only think this. That's not going to fly well well with you i just think this to

myself one of the two both arms are no actually so sticking out of the tree trunk is just the elbow so their hand and the rest of the arm are stuffed in and one of the arms above in an odd position the other arm that arm that is still hanging out is holding a strange jar. It looks like Winnie the Pooh's honey jar. Flask of Wine gently grabs it and pulls it out of the corpse's grasp. Where you at there, Flask? It is an ointment. Here, Tom's ointment. Kiotam's ointment.

He opens the jar and sniffs it. When he opens the jar, Tiffany, you smell freshly polished leather, but Pop, you smell sweat and blood. That smells nice. Like not a heavy scent of blood? No, no, but just the faint. What you're saying, Adam, is it smells like war. It smells like. Like not a heavy scent of blood? No, no, but just the faint whiff. Yeah. What you're saying, Adam, is it smells like war.

A little. So it smells like what we each think is victory? I didn't say that. It smells nice. Sort of like, maybe it's silly, but it sort of smells like when you finish a leather thing and it's all polished and done. It smells like blood and sweat. What? No? Yeah, it smells like when you finish a leather thing and it's all polished and done. It smells like blood and sweat.

What? No? Yeah, it smells like blood and sweat. This is the magic of healing. Depending on who has made the ointment or healing potion, it can have different tastes and smells. What's it smell like to you, Flask? To me?

I care not to say. Does it look like he's keeping a private secret and it's cute or a private secret and it's like I want to know about it? It smells like theft. Pop, you don't even fucking care. No, I don't. Tiffany, he seems sad. Oh, it smells like river mist.

I don't care, though. When he says I care not to say, I sort of, no, I give him a hug. He seems awkward at first, but he gently pats you on the back. Why is the hugging? You push onwards. That's so sad. It's really sad. Oh, my God.

I shouldn't have asked that question. I wonder what it would smell like to Dragonbait, just like him. It smells like laughter. I was going to say it smells like a scream because his words are. If you want, you can go through the party and find out who it smells like to each person. I would like to. As we walk, I'm going to go around with the ointment and say, may I borrow this flask?

Flask lets you borrow it. For some reason, he really wants to hold on to this. You can have it. I just want to see what everyone smells. Do you want to come with me? Yes, very well. You want to come with me? We'll be walking, I don't know, less than a meter.

You give it to, or you let Dragon Bait sniff it. You ask him, what does it smell like and obviously he can't talk back but he gives you this he gives you like a like a sterile almost smell like he gives off an almost sterile smell like uh like hand cream like an alcohol-y sort of smell but not for drinking like a hospital smell smell? Yeah. Artis, I'm sorry, Dragonbait, do you know what that is? I don't think he's trying to communicate a word. I think he's just, that's what it smells like to him. Do you know what that means? Nothing.

No, it smells neutral because he's all smell. That's very good, Adam. Sometimes you're real clever. Artis Simbert tells you it smells like freshly baked muffins. Oh, my God, that is wife made. That's conjecture, but all right. Adam, did I hear that? That artisembre?

Yeah, it smells like muffins. You've got a pretty decent passive perception. Yeah, you've probably heard it. I snort derisively. All right, then. Muffins. It smells like sweat and blood. Buttered, probably, I would say.

That's good. That's a good thing to. He was eating them with someone. Probably his wife. Once again, I love backstory ointment. Okay. Do you know what would be great? Is you think, I'm like, it smells like blood and sweat.

And you're like, oh, yes. Whoa. What you don't actually know is that's what the room smelled like back at the orphanage. Oh, oh, fuck. Just a faint scent of blood is rough for an orphanage. Holy shit, that's bad. That's not nice. There's no faint smell of blood that is good, even in a hospital.

I've gotten lots of fights. Yeah, well, clearly. It's the inside of your nose. Socked in the face too many times. That's what it is. Smells like home. I forgot I name to that guy Flame White Paper

Sometimes you're great with names Sometimes you give zero fucks So anyway anyway anyway What does kwasha smell like? Oh wait no I don't want to know No what does kwasha I want to know I find out

Cass you know what it's going to smell like Foliage. Freshly cut grass. Plant. Friendship, but plant. What's if friend was leaves? What if friend leaves? Mossy cuddles.

Quasha says it smells like gentle moss and foamy leaves. That's the smell of new life. That's what Koopalooi would have smelled like when he was getting VIXX. I love backstory ointment. The jungle parts to reveal a dead city enclosed by sheer cliffs, cliffs.

There's no T in cliffs. There's a lot of cliffs out there yeah yeah yeah yeah renamed cliff ruined if i may ruined buildings and stone boulevards rise like ghosts from the floor of the misty basin colorful birds glide overhead a waterfall pours into the basin, creating a swollen river that floods much of the city before draining into a deep rift filled with molten lava. A ruined palace

lies a few hundred feet from the edge of the steaming abyss. Artis Simber puts a hand on your shoulder, Tiffany, as the sun sets over this city, and he says, welcome. Welcome, all of us, to the city of Oumu. Who's standing next to me?

Well, Artis and Briss standing on one side. Flask of Wine will stay on the other. I just go to hold Flask's hand. Flask of Wine holds your hand as well. Oh, that's nice. Would you like to make camp before you venture down? I think that's a good idea. Smart.

So if you're making camp for the night, we'll probably level you guys up. We'll do you first, Pop. You will learn a new spell. Oh, and you have access to third-level spells. So probably pick a third-level spell. Oh, Adam. That sounds good. Would you like to forget any old spells?

Yes. Yep. What would you like to forget? I'd like to forget the second level spell rope trick because it wasn't what I thought when I got it and I didn't learn that that's what it was until I tried to use it. I put a rope down and I make a special room everyone can go into for an hour. I thought it meant I could do rope tricks.

I love rope tricks. We just never use it. Also, Pop's not a man who hides. That's hilarious. He's a total. He doesn't hide in his shell. He goes to sleep in his shell so people can't see him. You don't hide inside yourself. You live inside yourself. I also know disguise self.

I've used it once. You get that from your gloom stalker magic you can't forget that one unfortunately neither can you forget disguise that spell that you use all the fucking time i've used it once and i broke it because i'm not charismatic enough to pretend to be someone else yeah so rope trick you can't forget unfortunately well i don't really want to forget any of the and I broke it because I'm not charismatic enough to pretend to be someone else. Yeah, so rope trick you can't forget, unfortunately. Well, I don't really want to forget any of the others because they're handy. Let me give you some third level spells. Yep.

Conjure animals. Oh. Oh. Out of thin air? You summon face spirits that take the form of beasts. Conjure a barrage. You throw a non-magical weapon or fire a piece of non-magical ammunition into the air to create a cone of identical weapons that shoot forward and disappear

i could throw a hammer and make a wall of hammers or i've got a longbow i could fire my longbow and make a wall of arrows that's a handy one daylight creates a light in your hand that has a range of about 60 feet. And within that 60 foot radius, it sheds light as the sun, basically. It doesn't blind anyone, but it's as powerful as daylight itself. So if I was fighting like a vampire or something that didn't like darkness, I could do that and just like hurt him. You choose a point on an object you are holding or one that is being worn or carried. The light shines from

the object and moves with it completely covering the affected area adam on the object yeah could i use my basilisk eye to generate so i could basically turn my head into a headlight yes just like beam for 60 feet and a further 60 feet past that of dim lights. I could sign. Oh, man, there are so many fucking amazing options. Speak with plants. Basically, it lets you talk to plants. Did you know Cooper Louie? Did you know Cooper Louie? Pop being undiplomatic to trees.

Fuck you, I'll piss on you. You can question plants about events in the spell's area within the past day, gaining information about creatures that have passed, weather, and other circumstances. Moss. What the fuck happened here recently? I don't know. You're going up to a tree. Oi, twig.

Talk. Oi, branchy. Tell me what the fuck happened here. Water walk. It allows you to walk across any liquid surface such as water, acid, mud, snow, quicksand, or lava. Acid. I can walk across the lava.

As if it were harmless ground. So, Adam, I've narrowed it down to conjure animals, wall of hammers. Conjure barrage. Light eyes. Daylight. First three. Plant friend. Speak with plants.

Yep. You know what, Adam? I was trying to work out what spell I would like, and so I looked at my character sheet and I went through my four key points, so my flaw, my bonds, my ideals, and my personality traits. See if one of them would present me with the defining choice. Yes. You looked into your soul.

And I found you might think I'm a scholar, but I love a good brawl. These fists were made for punching. I'll take wall of hammers for three, please. Hell yeah. So you learn conjure barrage. Cool. Also, from your gloom stalker things, guess what? You get a spell called fear.

Do I have that now? Yep, you have it now. Have I had it from the start or just now? No, you got it just now. So fear, you project a phantasmal image of a creature's worst fears. Each creature within a 30 foot cone must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or drop whatever it is holding and become frightened for the duration. It's very funny that this was the fight that got you that spell. Because that's what I tried to do. It's very funny that this was the fight that got you that spell. Because that's what I tried to do. It's almost like I honed that skill in this fight.

Yeah. Your hit points are 120 now. All of your two hit bonuses go up a bit. All of your saving throws go up a little bit. Oh, and all of your skill checks go up a little bit. Let's do you now tiffany yes your maximum hit points are 81 now your sneak attack is a bit better now you will get a roguish archetype feature so you're gonna get magical ambush ambush

if you are hidden from a creature when you cast a spell on it, the creature has disadvantage on any saving throw it makes against the spell. I'm looking for spells that it will affect, or people who will be... Spells that this affects. It doesn't look like you have many spells that would be affected by this ability. So, if you want, because none of your spells are affected by your new ability magical ambush i will allow you to trade out some spells if you want you know a bunch of spells that you probably haven't been using that much if you want to switch

yes there are a lot um unseen servant unseenant is kind of like an invisible butler. It can carry things. Don't fucking get rid of that. That's sick. It can do basic traps. It can do basic tasks. It can trip traps for you. Okay, maybe I keep him.

Do you want to try and learn a new spell? I could go through some with you. Yeah, I don't want Ray of Sickness anymore. It's never worked. All right. Oh, I don't want Ray of Sickness anymore. It's never worked. All right. Oh, my tummy. May I make a suggestion for a spell to lose? Now, I know you quite like this spell.

Witch Bolt! I was going to say sleep. Oh. Witch Bolt has actually done damage. Yeah, Witch Bolt. Sleep has really not helped you. Why are you suggesting sleep instead of ray of sickness? I already got rid of ray of sickness.

Oh, okay. No, get rid of sleep. I'm saying, yeah, like maybe a big overhaul is required. I need to get rid of sleep. Otherwise, I'll keep using it. Yes. God, that's a very good point, actually. But yeah, you don't use Ray of Sickness.

Sleep has never worked. Witch Bolt, you have hit and hurt people with. Alter Self, I think you want because of your wound. Mirror Image, you haven't used yet, but is quite useful. You just haven't maybe had a chance. Unseen Servant, hey, let's give it a chance. Green Flame Blade, super useful. Use it all the time. Chill Touch, you've kind it a chance. Green Flame Blade, super useful. Use it all the time.

Chill Touch, you've kind of used, and it's still kind of useful. Chill Touch is great because it's not cold and you don't touch them. Yes. It does extra damage to undead, or it hurts undead more. Which should be useful here. I'm going to give you some spells that you might want to consider. Charm Person. I prefer not to use Charm Person because it would feel like cheating

and I wish people to like me for real. Okay. Oh, man. That's why the way I picked the spell, you pick who you are. Earth Tremor. It does a D6 damage and knocks someone prone. Yes. You would get that bonus on that one.

The D6 damage is not a lot of damage, but knocking them prone be knocking the prone's useful thunder wave oh that's all on pikachu knows agonizar's scorcher you create a line of fire 30 feet long adam i would like that uh agonizar's scorcher i believe the term is big hot line uh and with that i think, I think we're done here. Woo! The sprawling path down into Oumu lies before you. You approach. Last approach we should. Go in.

We're here finally. I start walking ahead. I look a bit excited. I can't quite walk properly. Because Tiffany is ahead, she cannot say that Pop is also very excited. Big old city. Are you fucking kidding a guardhouse stands near the entrance to the city arrow slits are cut into its limestone walls and a lopsided iron portcullis hangs over the gateway beyond which you can see an open plaza it looks like a

small well like i said guardhouse obviously protecting this entrance or at once long ago protected this entrance to omu you can see on the other side of the walls you can see slow black spiraling smoke that's no good i stop walking and wait for pop yeah i got a bad feeling about this what would you like to do how do you progress as they say draw rapier cast green flame blade all right approach your green flame blade fizzles out after one round you gotta cast it on the same turn that you use it okay well i just draw my rapier and proceed get a good boy point though get a good boy card not a good boy no a good boy point is a separate also get a good boy point oh get a good boy card not a good boy no a good boy point is a

separate also get a good boy point oh mark at the top of your character sheet good boy point oh my gbps are going up that's exciting collect five of them for a prize who wrote on my sheet what what do you mean What do you mean? We just got a new character sheet, so I wrote notes at the top of my character sheet to say sneak, because I always forget it, double heel, uncanny dodge, and never die because I keep forgetting about Periat wound closure. And I did them with love hearts next to them so I'd see them.

And someone has drawn another love heart, a decidedly different yet equally as beautiful style, and written good luck. Wow, who could it have been? So nice. A little good luck fairy. So, yeah, how would you like to proceed? Stealthily.

Very carefully. Who's up front? I think we're both equally as excited. Yeah, we're both in front. Pop is going to try and go first, and I'm excited, and I go at the same time. I get a bad boy card. Oh, no.

You fuck up pretty badly. How? How do I fuck up walking at him? We get stuck. We go at the exact same time. We get stuck in the door. My horns get stuck on your, what's the body shell? The shell.

The body shell. It shell. The body shell. It's called the gut shell. Tiffany, you're pretty good at stealth as well, but he brings you down with him. Fuck. Is it bowling? Is it like a bowling situation? Pop, your shell gets caught on some of the portcullis

and you rip part of it open. Fuck. You scream in bane. Oh, that's going to leave it open. Fuck. You scream in pain. Oh, that's going to leave a mark. Oh. Much of the interior has collapsed into rubble. Creepers cling to the walls and high grasses sprout between the flagstones amid evidence of long dead campfires. One wall is covered in graffiti, some words painted, others etched.

What's the graffiti say? It's written pretty much mostly in common. There's a couple of phrases that, well, does any, you know, you have a flask of wine, so tabaxi. There would be common, there might be olmen, which is the language of Chult, but you could probably translate that as well. The graffiti says several different things. Fear the fangs of Ra Nasi. Eric, I've gone in search of the nine shrines. V, as in someone's signed their name just V.

The puzzle cubes are the key. Beware the frog monster. The puzzle cube. Frog monster. Who is Unkh? U-N-K-H. All hail the king of feathers. Did anyone reply to the Unkh question?

No one has replied to that one, no. That's upsetting. The snakes are not what they seem. And finally, Kubazan equals bravery. Shagambi equals wisdom. Moa equals question mark mark add my own graffiti Adam mm-hmm

Rasnazi is a chode do you carve it in or do you paint do you like how do you put it there hmm I'm gonna carve it permanent carve it?

yeah go on get a good boy card very legible beautifully done damn near fucking cursive which is kind of just applicable Yeah. Go on, get a good boy card. Very legible. Beautifully done. Damn near fucking cursive, which is kind of just applicable. Oh, there we go. Well, it is true. I've got very nice handwriting.

Flask? Flask? Yes. What's a chode? Uh. Flask of wine looks you dead in the eyes, Tiffany And says It's like a small battery that can carry a charge

If you lick the top part of it, it gives you a little electric zap Oh, thanks for the ask. How many other words for penis is Pop going to carve into the walls of Oumu? And how many of them will Teefany know? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plate Chant. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at SantsPantsRadio, then why not subscribe to SantsPantsPlus.com.

For as little as $5 a month, you can have access to a whole bunch of bonus shows and content. Once again, that's SantsPantsPlus.com. Thank you. further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice, and join us on this epic quest of D&D

podcast discovery.