D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #14 A Snake in the Night

Episode Date: May 16, 2020

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Sans Pants Radio, working hard or completely flaccid? You know what I said? Statistically, it was a... I think statistically you had a 70-75% chance of getting a better number. But I constantly defy the odds. Quit fail. Stupid knight, stupid knight relied on his metal cage that ended up being his tomb. Stupid knight. And that's where your cackling ends. When he hits you with the end of his pommel, you can tell that it is a spell of distort value.

Oh, who sees it first? You see it first, Pop. What does it say? What's that say? I try and lean over to see what it says. It's a spell of making things look bad. Oh. It can also make them look worse.

Oh. Did you mention that? Oh, no. You know what? I do. Artis Simber tells you it smells like freshly baked muffins. Oh, my God. That is wife made. That's conjecture, but all right.

Artis Simber puts a hand on your shoulder, Tiffany, as the sun sets over this city. And he says, welcome. Welcome, all of us. The city of Omo. One sets over this city and he says, Welcome. Welcome all of us. The city of Omo.

Creepers cling to the walls and high grasses sprout between the flagstones amid evidence of long dead campfires. One wall is covered in graffiti, some words painted, others etched. What's the graffiti say? Add my own graffiti, Adam. Mm-hmm. Ras Nazir is a chode. Passing the gatehouse to Omo, you find that as you keep going forwards, the terrain becomes a little more unstable.

The stairs that you took down to this walled gatehouse were quite obviously still kind of in good nick and were meant to allow many people passage. But as you go further along now, it kind of just becomes sloped earth, so it's easier to slip. Now, you pass the first couple of buildings and you hit the main street, what obviously goes down Omu. When you were looking at it from above, yeah, it's that really long road that goes down. It's Rodeo Omu Drive. That is the most obvious way forward.

Is that how you'd like to proceed? No, why is the gatehouse smoking? I want to look at the gatehouse. Why is it smoking? Oh, that was the gatehouse that you just came from. Yeah. There was a couple of campfires that had just been kicked over. Oh, that's where the smoke was coming from. Yeah. With their smoking, it must be really fresh. Someone was just here. Actually, as you would approach that main street as well, there's not much to it. You have a look around there were definitely fresh ish campfires but not like it's hard to tell the exact age of them as you approach that main street though you do definitely see smoke drifting lazily from that

walled compound as well the gate oh yeah you could see that the gate lies in splinters on the other side of the wall from where you're standing you can see scorch marks on the buildings does it look dragonish no a dragon would have destroyed the buildings the buildings are still intact it's probably from some sort of magic i don't know about you but while this path looks like the most direct route it also looks like ambush city you right. We should probably go around. Do you want to go on the eastern side of the road instead? There's lots of buildings all about that you can make your way through. The eastern side would be the side close away from that smoked up compound.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. The other option you have is to try to climb down into the magma pit on your eastern side. We could always just send Vaughn in first. I mean, yeah, you're not wrong. It does alleviate the element of surprise. But then at least everyone will come out and we can kill them and get where we need to go. I like the way you think, Horns.

All right, Vaughn, go and check that Waldorf area out. If it is empty, I want you to give us two thumbs up, big guy. Vaughn shuffles off into the walled compound and comes back. He stands before you and puts his thumbs up. All right, we'll head towards the walled compound then. As you enter, you see that near the center of the compound is a plaza littered with charred human corpses. One of the corpses is being torn apart by a pack of wild dogs.

There are six jackals, we'll say, feeding upon the corpse of one of these unfortunates. Do you start searching around? There's many bodies here. We should see who these people were. Os. Os. Yes. What do you know about this place? Omu was once the jewel in Chult's crown,

back when Chult was kind of a nation unto itself. It was built over rich mineral veins, and the city garnered wealth and abundance. Omu and jewelry was coveted far and wide, and the city garnered wealth and abundance. Omu and jewelry was coveted far and wide, and the city's merchants grew fat on commerce. To enter Omu, it was said, was to enter the gates of paradise itself, he gestures around to the dilapidated buildings. Such wealth brought greed, naturally. Omu's hunger for slaves made her ruler demand even greater tribute from their neighbors. Places like Port Nayanzaru, Mezro, where my beloved is,

and many other small cities dotted throughout. Well, were once dotted throughout Chult. They've now been reclaimed by the jungle. When their vassals couldn't pay in flesh, they paid in blood. Omu feared legions marching across Chult, so they wanted to keep everything. They wanted to keep their neighbors, both

kind of like the city-states and also neighboring countries. They wanted to keep them kind of pacified, so they were very vicious about that sort of stuff. Yeah, right. The Omuans' greed and hubris angered the god ubtal it is said i do not know if that is true but it is said that it angered ubtal causing him to turn his back on omu about 200 years ago i should say long before he abandoned the rest of

chult so he he abandoned omu itself and then he abandoned Chult as the wider area. That's all gods are good for you, leaving you high and dry when you need them most. Oumu's clerics lost their spells, and the city itself fell to sickness and disease. Slave uprisings, I believe, began to wrack Oumu, and its nobles fled in droves. Good. I have not laid eyes upon this city myself until now. A map that could lead us here would fetch quite a price, Good. Yes. You're not going to sell our map on us, are you, Simple?

I don't really care to. Money has never really held much sway for me. All right, because you're a billion years old. Yeah, no, fair enough. Once you hit the first couple hundred years, money starts losing meaning. Yeah, all right. I'm old in tall years. Don't turtles live about as long as humans? Yes, but it's like the guts of the...

Shut up. Let me know if anyone approaches the dogs. No. No. They're eating people. No. No. They're eating people. No. Fair. Let's search these bodies.

All right. Around the dogs. I don't feel bad looting from this city because it was founded on the back of oppression and awful things. Fair call. Okay. There's many buildings here. Feel free to let me know if you want to check any of the buildings. No, I don't.

I do not at all. But obviously. Adam, I'd like to check a't. I do not at all. But obviously. Adam, I'd like to check a building. I'm not going to leave you alone. Sorry, there's the plaza and then there's a couple of buildings around. Do you want to check the buildings first or the corpses in the plaza? I'll do a corpse and then a building. I'm not sorry, Cass.

I know. The corpses seem to be, there's quite a few, maybe somewhere between 40 to 50 people here. They mostly look like mercenaries. You can see they would be probably not with any big outfit, just like small independent mercenary groups. Some of them from the Sword Coast, actually actually a bunch of them being hired all together but you definitely spot the red robes of more than a couple red wizards it would appear that this was their encampment they had hired mercenaries and some locals and something fell upon them this camp is wiped out i feel bad except, except I don't care. Okay.

Kind of roughly, actually it wouldn't be in the center. It would be a bit off to the side. You see a glaive has been thrust into the remains of a burnt out pyre. Charred snake skulls and blackened inhuman vertebrae are lashed to the spear. On a nearby wall, a symbol has been daubled in ash. Dauble? Dabbled. A snake curled in a spiral, gripping a circle in its jaws.

Tiffany, you recognize the sigil on the wall as the symbol of Dendar the Night Serpent devouring the world. I know that's real bad, yeah? That would mean yauntyty which kind of was almost to be expected rasnazi is yaunty and he he has yaunty followers this place well it was presumably yaunty that descended upon them you would imagine that the corpses in the pyre were probably Yaunty that were killed in their ambush. And this is like a ritual burial, sort of. Oh. What?

Yaunty. Fucking hell, snakes with arms. If they're daring enough to do this sort of pyre stuff, it means that they have this area very firmly in their control. I convey that. They're clearly doing something for Dendar. Oh, just snakes. Why do they have to be fucking snakes? I convey that They're clearly doing something for Dendar Just snakes What, I don't have to be fucking snakes

Get a good boy Yes All of you, as you're approaching a building to search it All of you hear Help! Help! Nobody move You can pinpoint that one of the buildings is partially collapsed

It's the voices coming from underneath a collapsed wall You can pinpoint that one of the buildings is partially collapsed. It's the voices coming from underneath a collapsed wall. If he's a snake, he has to tell us, doesn't he? He really doesn't. Help me. I don't want to. I start backing out of the room. You mean the walled compound?

Yeah. All right. If Tiffany starts leaving, Flosk of Wine starts leaving. Artisimber and Dragonbait draws his sword, but looks uncertainly at Artisimber. Artisimber draws his dagger and looks uncertainly at you. Pop, when did you become the moral compass of this fucking group? Vaughn, you're on standby.

If we find anything other than someone in trouble in there, you're going to stomp them into the ground. Do you understand? Give me a big thumbs up. Vaughn gives you a big thumbs up. Oh, I love it. Were you helping him? Oh, maybe.

What? Why? Oh, I have been spending too much time with you. You're not hissing this conversation at each other. You're yelling it at each other. Yeah, I was spending too much time with you, apparently. I was leaving because you said you wanted to leave. I inspect the room. So as you approach, you get up to the wall.

The wall is slightly, it's on like a slant. It's up like almost a ramp. You look underneath into the little gap made by the wall, and you can see a very sad-looking man underneath the wall. Hello? He looks out through the gap at you. I turn around and look at you, and then I say, so, man, he's under here.

He doesn't look like no hissy-hissy nothing or anything. What, you think he's safe? If he could kill me the way he looks right now, I'd give him a medal for trying, you know? Well, wait. I start coming back in. Rapier drawn. All right.

But I start coming back in. I come back down to eye level of the old man. Hi, old man. Hello. Now, I'm going to help you get out of this predicament. Thank you. But you do anything I don't like, I will put this rubble back on top of you myself. Of course.

Please just set me free. Why are we doing this? All right, let's go. You're doing this. Yeah,'s go. You're doing this. Yeah, I know. You're doing this. Yeah, back in the day, you would have told me this was the right thing to do. What happened to you, huh?

We're so close to saving my dad. Yeah, all right, but, you know, what did your dad say if you left an old man under some rocks? Oh, if he cared about what I was doing that much, I wouldn't mind what I had to do. Yeah, I'm n open out of this conversation. Yeah. We helped our man. Vaughn, let's go. Vaughn puts one of his mighty fists on the top of the wall and lifts.

The wall comes easily away, and the man scrambles out from under it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. He, on his, like, hands and knees, Pop, comes up to you and hugs you around the waist. I slide my hammer between him and me and spin it so I can push him off. He's pried off you. He's very weak right now. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. No touching.

Who the fuck are you? My name is Orvex. Orvex Okramas. What do you do, Orvex? I'm like a guide of sorts. I was hired by those, he gestures to one of the corpses, maybe the one being torn apart by dogs, those red wizards. They hired me for their damn expedition. So you by dogs those red wizards they hired me for their their

damn expedition so you work for the red wizards yes they hired me maybe he maybe he tries to read the room yeah that's smart of him he starts stammering out but but it was just a – clearly the contract is over. Please. Yeah, you can say that again. So what do you want to do with them? I've got a plan. Did they pay you? Yes, they pay quite well, but no one pays better than giving me my life.

Well, if they've already paid you, how would you see, in exchange for your life, assisting us with the rest of the mission? Yes, of course. Yes, I'll help. He begins to stand up. What happened to him? There was an attack. I'm not sure exactly what happened. I just heard screaming, steel upon steel, a laughing. Someone was laughing. It was loud. I could hear it over the fight. And then there was an explosion and he turns around the destroyed building behind him. The wall, one of the walls, which he was collapsed underneath an explosion, a great explosion. And then I don't know, everything went black. When I woke up, I was And then, I don't know, everything went black. When I woke up, I was under there.

I don't know how long it's been. Ten years. For real? Yeah. What do you mean, for real? He's going to touch his face and know his beard didn't grow. He's trapped under rocks. Ten years, he says.

He seems incredulous. Sure. Look. How would you know that? I shoot Papa look like, stop. I can't have any fun anymore, can I? He's got to see the fires. He's got to feel his face.

He's got to know that he don't have a beard. He's a crazy old man who's on a building and he you know judgment's not too good because he's been working with the red fox you don't know he's crazy question for you um have you ever eaten a live frog no no he's not crazy i please they the the the red wizards they hired me for my translation services i know quite a bit about the history of omu if you've come to omu surely you must want to know it as well i can relay things to you things that i've learned here in omu what language do you speak i speak common i speak grung, the language of the frog people.

Do you know them? Pop, you know of the grungs, but you've never really encountered them. You know that they're not friendly. Frog monster. Beware the frog monster. I speak grung. I speak olmen, and I speak patchy old olmen as well. Do you want to speak?

Is olmen chult? Yeah, it's the chult language. I've called it chulti.ultian is also acceptable right we can both speak the same language grung yes beast frog frog monster yeah we're the frog monster what's the frog monster i so So I will tell you, please, I need food, I need water, and I need to rest. I will tell you. You've been under a building. What were you lying down for 10 years?

What did you fucking think you were doing? Run a lapse. I promise you it's not as comfortable as it looks. Please. I roll my eyes and hand him a ration, and I shake my head and look at Pop as I do so, like, what were you planning on doing? Artisimber, as Orvex begins to hungrily devour the food that you've given him, Artisimber puts a hand on his shoulder, looks at you guys and says,

perhaps we, look, I know that there was obviously an ambush here recently, but look, it has walls. I could think of worse places to stay the night. I nod my head. Fair enough. You set up as bare bones a camp as you can, trying to keep as low a profile as possible. So we set up and we can now talk to Old Mate. As you're setting in for the night and such he he looks he was in a very

bad way just letting you know he looks dreadful i've seen worse he tells you myself horns you know we've been there i do one of those like upward head nod things like yeah maybe at some point he goes over to a part of the camp and comes back with his backpack out of his backpack he starts taking clay tablets the clay tablets are written in olman but none of you know old olman old olman is a uh i don't know how to pronounce this word i'm so sorry suniform c-u-n-a-form cuneiform it's a cuneiform hieroglyphic language that looks like chicken scratchings Babylonians used it it's like lines yeah I know cuneiform arrows and stuff

and dots it bears little resemblance to any other alphabet you would need to be some sort of cloistered scholar or sage some might say to translate the inscriptions

so neither of you can a warlock with a special power called eyes of the runekeeper could translate this. But without any of those powers, you'd need to find some sort of Rosetta Stone. Or you'd need to bring it to this guy, Orvex. Oh, you're just looking at them. Can I have a look at one of those tablets, Orvex?

He passes you one. It's very nice. He relays to you the I stared daggers into pop. How old would you say one of these is, Orvex? Can I sort of am I in a position where I can look at Orvex

and mouth the word like no to him and just shake my head like no young just like point him down trying to be like to him and just shake my head like, no, young. Just like point him down, like trying to be like, new. Okay. Well, Orvex needs to make a sense motive.

I get a bad boy card. He does not get that. And Pop, Pop, you spot Tiffany doing that. I am gesturing down and then I try and scratch my leg to cover it up. It's very obvious what she was doing. I scratch my leg but stare at you like, excuse you. It doesn't work, clearly. I just, Pop, I'm just not going to say anything.

I'm just going to keep looking. Orvec says, it's hard to tell, but I would imagine more than 200 years. More than 200 years? Not bad. Not bad. You could always have better. That's not that old. I give them back to Orvex. They belong to you, Orvex? No, I found them here

within the ruins. How much do you want for them? Orvex looks at you and says I guess they mean nothing to me. I could part with them for maybe 10 gold apiece. Done. Once we're done using them. Yes, let me read from them first.

I'll take them. I didn't steal them. It just belongs in a museum. Thank you, Adam. Orvex relays to you the legend, what is known as the legend of the nine gods. Long ago, the god ubtau hardened his heart and vowed to weep for the people of omu no longer the rain stopped the jungle withered and

died and death swept through omu one morning a wise zorbo a zorbo is let me look it up for you. It's a fun children's character. Azorbo is a Greek man dancing in a circle. Oh, my God. I'm so close. Imagine a raccoon with a body of a bear and his belly is fat because of snacks in there. And he's got a little beard and beady black eyes. And he's got little fur on his

little doggy thighs he's that was beautiful a zorbo is like almost like a red panda that just it's kind of losing hair it's got like a mane it's got a fat bone it's a fat version of um the character in kung fu panda one morning a wise zorbo emerged from her hollow tree and spoke to the dying almonds to convince ubtow of their worth she decided to cook him a stew made from all their good qualities catching such virtues wouldn't be easy so she asked a wily almaraj i'll look up what an almaraj is. Okay, let's guess. What do we think is an almaraj going to look like, Cass?

Wings. Feathers. Yeah, birdie. Birdie. No. Almaraj. Sorry, it's pronounced almaraj. Okay.

Swampy and kind of leaves. Cute. Very cute. Smooth. No, hairy. Platypus. All right. It's Very cute. Oh. Smooth. No, hairy. Platypus. It's, alright, it's two animals crossed together. One of them is a unicorn.

Mouse. Mouse? Is it a unicorn rabbit? Yes. Points to Handsome Tom. It's a unicorn rabbit. It could be an arbor rabbit. I would like to point out that it is a rabbit with a horn.

Oh, my God. And it's got little tufts. Do you know how, like, lassie dogs have the big tufts to throw on their chest? Yes, it's got a thumper chest. Oh, my gosh. I want a rabbit so much. I want a rabbit with a horn. Catching such virtues wouldn't be easy, so she asked a wily almaraj to help her.

The almaraj snuck recklessness into the pot, which she saw as a virtue. And Ubtau spat out the stew when he tasted it. From that day on, Obulaka, the Zorbu, and Ijin, the Almiraj, became terrible enemies. Oh. Oh, I love this fairy tale. Oh, my gosh.

The bunny was like being cheeky is cool. Basically a trickster god and like the opposite of a trickster god, a cuddle god. Just letting you know, they're all trickster gods. Snuggles and cheekiness together at last. Why couldn't they just have a nice time? At noon, a brave Kamadan. What do we think a Kamadan is? cheekiness together at last. Why couldn't they just have a nice time? At noon, a brave kamadan.

What do we think a kamadan is? Dog-ish but horse-ish. It's two animals. Well, it's technically two animals crossed, but one of the animals features multiple times. What? Spider baby? No.

One of the animals is a snake. So it's kind of got a Medusa thing going on. Oh, it's got lots of snakes for a head and it's a whale. Is it a snake snake? Snake with snakes coming out of snake head? No. So I would have said one animal. Fractal snake? There are two very different animals involved.

What's the opposite of a snake? One of them has spots. Cheetah? It's not the snake. Oh! opposite of a snake one of them has spots cheetah it's not the snake oh at noon a brave kamadan hopped down from her rock she saw the evil in the omen's hearts and decided to lance it like a troublesome boil the kamadan fashioned a holy spear but she left it by the riverbank and a crafty grung stole it in her rage shagambi the kamadan forgot all about the almonds and chased nang nang nang nang the grung forever across the sky oh they're the star i fucking love this, Adam. This is, this is, fuck.

And now, a quick word from our sponsor. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you were wishing that we would stop all this role-playing nonsense so that we could get down to brass tacks and nut out which bird is the best bird, then do I have news for you. Shut Up Second is a show by myself, Jackson, Cass, and Zoe, where we, as my dad calls it, embarrass ourselves on a public platform with our lack of scientific understanding. So if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad isn't answering my calls,

then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Shut Up a Second. I love how it was like, I will make sure I kill the plague on the earth that is human. Oi, is that frog got my stick? I will chase him forever. I will chase you into heaven. Rousts.

I'll chase you into heaven and then across heaven for a million years. When evening came, a wily eblis. So this is all one day still. Yep. It's a tail. Ah, that's like an ibis but punk yes when evening came a wily eblis stepped from his reed hut he didn't like the almonds but without them he'd have no one to play tricks on they are all tricksters and i love it the ebola sent a marsh frog to reason with Ubtow,

but the frog was angry and decided to wrestle the god instead. So just so we're clear. Yeah. You're going to go there. Yeah. And you're going to reason with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just walks away.

He's like, no, I'm not going to fucking punch him in the stomach. This amused Ubtow, so he gave the frog tentacles to make it stronger. When Kubazan, the frog-emeth. Kubazan. Bravery. When Kubazan, the frog-emeth, returned to Papazotl, the eblis, he chased Papazotl into the swamp with his new tentacles. What was the name of the Camadan?

Shigambi? Yeah, that's wisdom. Cool, cool. Moa. We're waiting on Moa. Yeah. That night, a Sioux monster. Evil monkey.

Oh, yeah. Is that a monkey with tendrils or is it hanging from a branch? It's hanging from a branch. Okay, just monkey. Evil monkey. Evil, just monkey. Evil monkey. Evil dark shadow monkey. That night, a Sioux monster broke into Ubtar's palace and stole a pail of water for the almonds.

Oh, my God. Can I just say I love that Ubtar's just like, what a fucking day I'm having. Like, seriously. I am thirsty. I had that shitty stew that tasted like ass. Some fucking frog comes in. I gave him tentacles.

Now this. When the god came running to find it, the Sioux monster hid the pail in a jaculized burrow. That's that snake. Yep. Ubtau asked the jungle animals where his water was hidden, and Moa the jaculai was too honest to lie. Honesty. When Wongo the Sioux monster found out how Moa had betrayed him, he vowed to catch the jaculai and eat him up.

Betrayal? Honesty. I'll put brackets betrayal. All the while, the flail snail. Oh, yes. The story is, Ubtow was, he had many forms. Hunter, explorer. Yep.

Had many forms, and all of these forms were worshipped. It's like the, if you know Christianity much, it's kind of like the idea of the three different versions of God or whatever. Daddy, Daddy, Mommy, Papa, Sir. Spooky. Papa, Sir. Yeah, yeah. Daddy, Baby, Spooky. Yeah.

Ubtah was worshipped in many different forms. Yep, yep. And what happened was that Ubtah, they were so greedy and awful that he was like, fuck you guys. He was like, fuck you guys. He was like, fuck you guys. And then the trickster animal gods were like, no, we can fix it. Yes, basically.

But bad because they're trickster animal gods and they always fuck it up. All the trickster gods tried but failed. At least that's what this tale is. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's the truth. I'm loving just hearing a bit of a myth. All the while, Unk the flail snail lived deep under the earth. Unker, the earth.

The noise of the other animals fighting made her slither up to the surface, and when day dawned over her shell, the light blinded Ubta and made his eyes water. Life returned to Omu and the people built shrines to honour the animals who'd saved them. Aww. Adam. Yeah. Once we've gone through these, I give Orvex,

I have five gold ingots worth ten gold pieces. I give him a single gold ingot worth 10 gold pieces in exchange for the stones, the tablets. What did you agree on? I think you said- 10 gold. Yeah, there's several clay tablets. Wait, 10 per tablet?

Yeah, I thought it was 10 per tablet. I thought it was 10 for all of them. No, he's asking for 50 gold total. Give him 50 gold. Why have you got these tablets? I scavenged them. Oh, well, I didn't scavenge them. The red wizard scavenged them and asked me to translate.

Do they bear any other significance that you can tell with? They tell the history of Oumu, part of it at least. I don't know how accurate these tablets are. There's certainly a lot of mysticism surrounding them, and they were definitely written by someone who worshipped these gods, so they're probably a little biased. You've seen any buildings or anything with similar symbols on them? Yes.

The Red Wizards were looking for the shrines. There's some, I don't really understand what's happening, but there's something about the shrines they There's some, I don't really understand what's happening, but there's something about the shrines they need to collect from them. And when they do, they can get somewhere. There's nine shrines. There's nine of those

guards and there's nine shrines. That's what the graffiti was talking about. So V was looking for the shrines for Eric. I don't know where Eric was. Oh, Eric's dead. V's probably dead too, though. Well, they're together, I guess. Unless V was a different god

and V's over here and Eric's, you know... Oh, that wasn't particularly religious pilgrimage. Maybe he changed his mind. Unless he died recently, in which case, he's in the soulmonger. I should not have reminded you of that. Let's move right along.

You make camp for the night and you rest. Or you try to. Dun, dun, dun. Someone's been watching you and they choose this moment to attack. Why did we let Adam convince us to rest? All right. It would be, we'll say flask of wines. Watch.

So flask of wine. He's fine. He's fallen asleep, we'll say flask of wines. Watch. So flask of wine. He's fine. He's fallen asleep, curled around the bowl of soft, the big bowl of soft, the secret bowl that he doesn't show us. I've seen it. Yeah, I haven't. I don't know about it, and it kills me every day. You're all awakened by flask of wine screaming in the night,

Snakes! Snakes! Oh, fuck. All right. So let's go to initiative. I'm awake first. For APM. Who would you like to fight with?

Quasha. I'm taking dragon bait, I feel. As both of you spring to your feet, you can see what is known as a yaunty abomination. Neither of you have ever seen a creature like this before. You wouldn't know that it's referred to as a yaunty abomination. Neither of you have ever seen a creature like this before. You wouldn't know that it's referred to as a yaunty abomination. All you can see is a, like a snake person. It's very hard to describe beyond snake person.

Oh, it's a snake with arms and a head. If someone, okay, you know how people try and draw snakes with boobs? Imagine that, but super masculine. With pecs. Yeah. So that one, which is clearly in charge, waves a hand in front of the six dogs that have been sharing this compound with you. Oh, yikes.

You see magical white energy descend upon the brows of the dogs. They turn around to you and start sprinting into the fight. All six of them are going to attack, we'll say, Vaughn, to be honest. Good luck biting into something that's not flesh. The jackals quite easily surround Vaughn and begin nipping at him from all sides. quite easily surround Vaughn and begin nipping at him from all sides. Vaughn is a giant metal man, but these jackals are being controlled by an intelligent and malevolent creature.

The jackals use expert pack tactics to attack Vaughn from several different angles at once. Vaughn takes 28 points of damage. I don't like it. You stay away from my big friend. Tiffany and Quasha, it's your turn. I would like to approach the dogs with Quasha. I would like to use green flame blade and start shanking dogs. And Quasha will be using bark skin because, wow, he's weak. But also because bark, as in the noise that dogs make when they eat trees.

Quash's skin turns hard like tree bark. His AC becomes 16. And that will be his action to cast that spell. Cool, cool, cool, cool. What would you like to do? You stab at one of the dogs? Yes. With a yelp, the jackal falls before your uh attack does vaughn sing a song saying

take the jackals off my feet so i can dance no he does not and then we go we go to the uh one of the nine um shrines and he's like i just want to praise you is that what happened there i don't think i've ever made you smile before just the simplicity of it was so good you have a very colorful laugh it's great oh i like it it's good thank you in the group there are five yaunty purebloods. Purebloods are basically humans or elves. I just thought it was the one man. Fuck.

No, unfortunately. There's in total ten. There's that one big snake. There's these purebloods. Purebloods look like humans, but with snake-like features. I think kind of like Voldemort almost. Greg. like humans but with snake-like features. Think kind of like Voldemort almost. Greg.

And then there's Malisons, which a Malison is like human body, snake head. That's so much worse because it has a dick. Tom, what? Sorry, human body. I don't imagine it's wearing clothes. I've just got snake head and just flopping about. It's also just assuming they're all men. Some of them are probably ladies. So it's a snake with tits.

Oh, no, we're back here again. Can Vaughn please get to yeeting and play some dog bowling? Pop, four of the five purebloods have surrounded you. They quite clearly knew to try and bring you down as soon as possible. How long have they been watching for us, Adam? You're not sure. They all open their hands up at you, and poison bathes you from four different directions.

Fuck your nose! I'm going to use detect poison. It's poison! It's poison! I'm going to use detect poison. It's poison. Just waste my turn testing to see if the poison is poison or if it is cardals. You're going to take, well, you actually take seven points of damage

and Vaughn takes seven points of damage. Oh, I forget that. Let me know if I don't pass the constitution saving throw. You didn't pass it twice. Can I use this? Plus d12 after a saving throw? You would have still failed, unfortunately.

What a waste. One of them attacks Ardus Simber. They do know who to attack first. Clever fucks. Ardus Simber, as he gets up, takes one point of damage. Am I poisoned, Adam? No, you've just taken poison damage.

Oh. Yeah. You're lucky, I suppose. So that was the pure blood's turn. Artis and Flask is neither of you guys. Artis getting to his feet. He's going to try and target the pure bloods i suppose cold energy bathes three of the pure bloods when the cold energy begins to die down you can see

that beneath the cone of cold the three of them have been frozen solid. One of them slowly falls backwards and shatters. That's my boy. E. Then flask of wine. Flask of wine targets maybe another one of the purebloods, to be honest. He fires twice with his bow. The first time he hits, he deals seven points of damage to one of the purebloods. His second attack, however, will not be so good.

Oh, that's a super good card. Yeah. Poor sport. Your target taunts you. Make a DC 12 wisdom saving throw. They hurt his feelings. They literally hurt his feelings. Bully him into submission.

On a failed save, you have disadvantage when attacking this target until you successfully hit them. He passes the DC. So he fires a second arrow at the same target, but it misses. The pure blood hisses at Slask of Wine and says, You will never be as good as your sister. Oh. flask of wine and says, you will never be as good as your sister. Oh, how long have these snakes been following us, Cass? Maybe they're just magic?

Then it is Pop and Dragon Maid. Vaughn recovers 10 hit points. All right. Hey, Vaughn, get to yeeting. Snakes. Snakes, not dogs? No, no, no, because Dragon Maid and I are going to go for snake pecks. The dogs are around his feet.

Yeah, the dogs are all around him. So if he picks up the dogs and goes snake bowling. Yeah, no, throw the dogs at the snakes. Oh, no. Oh, no. He tries to lean down and grab one of the dogs, but it darts out of the way. Cool. The dogs descend upon Vaughn as he stumbles forwards.

If you kill Vaughn, I'll be so upset at him. I don't think you know how upset I'm going to be. He belongs in my museum. Maybe my house is my friend. Oh, live at the museum. Where do you think I live already? Vaughn takes a further 11, 20, 28 points of damage. So that was Vaughn.

As he bends over, he stumbles forwards. The dogs see an opening and they tear into Vaughn. They can't hurt the metal or they bend and twist metal with their teeth. But the wood is where they do their most damage. I turn to this pecked snake. The abomination. We'll call them abomination. Malison. Malisons are the ones with snake heads.

And purebloods are the ones that look mostly human. Cool, cool. I turn to the abomination. Yeah, the leader. A dragon bait. Two gold pieces as I can kill him before you do. Dragonbait gives you a nod that conveys the words it's on. I would like to attack that snaky, snaky sumbitch

while also using Zephyr Strike. All right. First attack, you get an extra attack. Woo! Zephyr Strike. I'm going to make a little note. Hit. Miss.

Take that, you slithery son of a bitch. You slash with your sickle, hammer with the hammer, slash again with the sickle, and once more maybe with the hammer, just for good fucking measure. You start bringing up welts, bruises, and bloody cuts upon the toned chest of the abomination. It laughs at you. Puny little mortals. That doesn't bode well if we are mortals.

It does not seem particularly hurt by your attack You fuckhead you got a speech impediment It's pronounced tall Get a good boy card That was fucking great Cash it in for next time And dragon bait No wait wait wait

No I'm just kidding it doesn't say that Dragon bait charges in He deals We know they're not what they seem 26 points of damage No, I'm just kidding. It doesn't say that. Dragon bait charges in. He deals. We know they're not what they seem. 26 points of damage. So he deals the same amount of damage as you. The four snake-headed ones move in to attack.

Sneds. Two of them attack you, Pop. They slash with scimitars and bite with their snake heads. That's a lot of dice. That was a lot of dice. Fuck. You're going to cop three hits with scimitars and one bite, which, oh, no, the bite just does the poison damage. Cool. No roll required.

24 points of damage, half of which goes to Vaughn. So you take 12, Vaughn. So you take 12, Vaughn takes 12. That's not looking good for Vaughn. One of them attacks you, Tiffany, and another one attacks Dragonbait. Oh, Tiffany, you are not as...

Oh, man, Tiffany. Tiffany, you take 21 points of damage. Oh, no! One of the malisons behind you slashes once slashes twice making a big angry looking red x on your back then you feel it bang sinking its fangs into your neck 21 points of damage or vex gets up and starts scrambling away. He's badly wounded still. The abomination pop, it slashes at you several times with its scimitar.

You get cut down your arm from your shoulder all the way down to your wrist, and it leaves a long, red, angry line. You hiss in pain and try to bring up your sickle to block the next attack, but the abomination goes low, like as if it were going underneath a limbo pole. It drops itself nearly flat backwards and swings itself around, cutting you across the chest, getting completely underneath your guard. around cutting you across the chest getting completely underneath your guard then its tail runs out from underneath it wraps around your chest and squeezes you hear crack crack crack of your shell and then your spine you are restrained your movement is your movement

speed is zero your attacks have disadvantage and its attacks have advantage against you. You take 30 points of damage, half of which goes to Vaughn. Then it's Tiffany and Quasha's turn. Oh, and sorry, the five dogs attack Vaughn. Adam, if you take Vaughn away from me at this point, I will never come back on this show. away from me at this point i will critical hit never come back on this show miss hit critical so let's roll the two regular hits they're just dogs oh no should have killed them while we had the chance 17 points of damage from the regular hits. Putting Vaughn on 97 damage out of a total of 142. So Vaughn is on 45 hit points right now.

Vaughn doesn't go into death saving throws. When Vaughn reaches zero hit points, he is destroyed. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. He hasn't had the critical hits yet. Yeah, no, I've not rolled them yet. Sorry. Can I keep him alive if I play a fortuitous circumstance?

A fortuitous circumstance unfortunately cannot affect. You could force a reroll, one of these critical hits. I mean, I do have miss on an attack roll, but. Yeah. Oh, my God, use that. Yeah, but it's only one of them, isn't it? Yeah, only one of the two criticals. That can be a critical. Fuck it, just make

one miss. Alright, spend... Oh, that's a bad boy card. Who's heal? For the next 1d6 rounds, for the next one round, you must make a dc 14 constitution saving throw when attempting to move 5

feet or more. On a failed save, you fall prone. Regular damage otherwise. Oh, boy. 17 more points of damage. I might actually use my fortuitous circumstance after this turns over because any help is help, you know. Before you do that, Adam, if I removed the amulet, Vaughn goes back to being inert, doesn't he?

Yes. So he's no longer alive or follows commands or I no longer share AC or anything with him. He still will take damage if attacked. Never mind. All right, Tiffany and Quasha, what would you like to do? I would like to start attacking the dogs again. I would like to use my green flame blade once more, sneaking with Quasha.

And Quasha will use call lightning on the dogs. On the dogs? Yeah. Will that hit Vaughn as well? He can probably. I'm sure he can angle it to miss, but he could probably do that to hit a lot more dangerous enemies. As you attack another one of the jackals, you slash at it with your rapier.

The dog wimps and then rolls over, bleeding heavily. It's not dead, but it's dying or whatever. The dogs do not seem particularly tough, and Call Lightning is a very powerful spell. Whatever. The dogs do not seem particularly tough, and Call Lightning is a very powerful spell. You could use it on the Abomination. Well, not on the Abomination,

because Pop will also get caught up in that. I would like to use it on the Abomination. Is the Abomination using the attack? He's the one controlling the dogs. Yeah. Do it. I would like to use Call Lightning on the Abomination. So the Abomination fails its saving throw. Pop passes his saving throw.

Yeah! That will be half as much damage for you, Pop, halved again because Vaughn's going to take that damage as well. Whoops. Whoops. That's quarter damage for Vaughn. Yeah, that's half. Half of half.

Quarter. Yeah, yeah, and then the dogs might be dead. 15 points of damage for Vaughn. Yeah, that's half. Half of half. Quarter. Yeah, yeah. And then the dogs might be dead. 15 points of damage to the abomination. That's not enough. I did more with a hammer and a sickle. And seven points of damage halved again. So three points of damage to you, three points of damage to Vaughn.

Vaughn is on 117. How did the abomination take that? The abomination doesn't act like it noticed it. Doesn't sound good. The snakes aren't what they seem. That was Tiffany and Quasha. It's the pure blood's turn.

There's only two of them left. One of them actually both of them are going for Dragonbait now. He's fine. He takes no damage. Then it is Artisember and Flask. Flask of

Wine fires. He strikes the one that was taunting him, killing it, and he kills the other one. The last two Purebloods are dead, courtesy of flask of wine. Love that, Kat. Is Ardis, can Ardis see and hear me if I yell at him?

Yeah. Ardis, I can take it. Ardis Simver gives you an odd look and he says just hold still no worries mate hey you ugly fuck this is not to artists this is to the abomination it's gonna hurt you more than it hurts me but if it hurts me just as much then i'm going to enjoy the agony that I know it's causing you. Artis Simber puts a hand down on the abomination on one of its many scales. When he does that, you can see that his ring of winter flares with energy. And from Artis Simber's hand, white ice begins to slowly move across the abomination. The abomination cries out, What? What is this?

You're fucked, mate. Pop, you see that it's not a layer of ice covering the abomination. The abomination is turning into ice. Is this the break our heroes need to kill their ambushes? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plagued Chot. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at SancePantsRadio,

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