D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #17 Bag of Nails

Episode Date: June 6, 2020

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100 percent of the dungeon masters from D&D is for Nerds. He's our friend who we like but do not respect. Correct. Yeah. We're rude to you now and we will be live. For Plumbing Boys Play slash Ruin Dungeons and Dragons, where we're going to be mean to Adam, but he's going to be meaner to us on stage. Yeah. Due to worldwide events that you may be aware of,

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Yeah, yeah. He's busy. And seen. Better. If you're seeing this one, that means that the next take we did is even worse welcome to season 2 episode 17 of zombie plagued chult as you do that you hear a clicking sound dark i You turn. The first thing you do is you turn to the giant mural

of the Kamadan and the Grunk, and you can see now that it is perforated with tiny holes all around it. Gas. When Dragonbait lands next to you and next to the clay warrior, you feel

the floor click down a few more inches and you hear down that corridor a moment of exultation, of joy with the brass spear. And then the spear vanishes from your hand and appears once more in the hands of the clay golem. Oh, boo. The clay golem explodes. I stabbed him in the magic?

Yeah. The tower, rain the magic. The spear clatters to the ground and the exit opens. I'm going to go in the pit. You jump down when I say so. We've got to get the spear off the thing while it's in the pit or it doesn't count because we have to fight with honour. Dragonbait slowly drags you out and then Flask of Wine climbs up the side while it's in the pit, or it doesn't count because we have to fight with honour. Dragonbait slowly drags you out,

and then Flask of Wine climbs up the side, and everyone's out. With the clay golems defeated, you have a moment of respite. Okay, does anyone have any healing magic? Flask of Wine applies more of the ointment. Pop, you recover nine hit points, and so you're on nine hit points no one get back in the pit a dragon bite would you kill it dragon bait shakes his head and points to artist i flick two gold pieces to Artus. Artus catches them. That's the whole exchange.

All right. I'm going to go around putting all the spears in the holes once. With all the statues? Yeah. Yeah. The pedestal begins to turn on the spot and an ornate stone cube corkscrews up from the hatch. Surely it's our prize, you know. Surely.

It does look like I have to take it, but. Take it. I take the cube. Nothing happens. You're free to leave. Give us a look. I have a look over it as I slowly make my way back to the party. Let me see.

Let me see. Let me see. The cube is three inches on the side and engraved with images of one of the trickster gods. This one would be Shigambi. Tiffany, you have this. It's a cube.

It's a cube with Shigambi on the side. Whoever's holding that piece of paper has the cube. I will be holding the piece of paper. You are too sick to hold the piece of paper as soon as i get this and you're like show me the cube it sort of clicks in my head that i can't give this to you because if i give it to you that means the only reason we went through this is for you to get a trinket and we had to have gone through this for something useful.

So I can't give you this cube because otherwise you nearly killed yourself. Yep. And you nearly killed Flask. You cannot have this cube. What's on it then? I show you Shigambi on the side. Does it do anything? No.

What if I play with it? If I play with it, does it do anything? There does not seem to be any obvious mechanism or anything about it. It just looks like a carved cube. It obviously is of significant importance. Otherwise, why do this for it? But you don't know yet necessarily what is important about it. Was it? I roll my eyes.

You're a scamp. Oh, I am. I am is me. I'll trade you a velvet cushion for it. How did you get that? I found it in the house. House? We've not been to a house. No, back

where we were before. Wait, all the rooms? Yeah, one of them was a big old bloody thing and I found a cushion and some other stuff. When did you go into those buildings? When I was awake. You were meant to be watching out. Vaughn was there. And what command did you give Vaughn?

I said to Vaughn, if shit goes down, start kicking shit. He's a lot bigger than I am. I'm not so naive as to just wander off into an abandoned building, leaving my... Pop almost says friends, catches himself and says, you lot to die. Jeez, come on. What else did you find?

Just some odds and ends. What else did you find? The only thing I show you is the immovable rod because of the promise I made to you ages ago that if my knowledge of something would help us, I would tell you about it. But I don't tell you about any of the other nice trinkets. This is on the cushion. Watch this. Hold it up like, I don't know, 10 feet off the ground

and click the button. It stays in place as if we were being held up by magic, which it presumably is. Actually, this will be better. I click it off. Yeah. And I call, are we outside again? No, you're not outside again.

No. We should sleep here. Hey, Dragonbait, can we do a trick? Dragonbait nods. All right. Lie down, Dragonbait, can we do a trick? Dragonbait nods. All right, lie down. Dragonbait lies down. I put the immovable rod on Dragonbait and I click it. All right, Dragonbait, get up.

Dragonbait tries to get up but can't. Well, when he initially can't, he maybe makes a sound like that to himself. He puts hands on either side of the rod and heaves with all of his might. He cannot shift the rod at all. Ta-da. Get it off of him. I click it and take it off. All right.

Anyway, that's what I found. It was on the velvet cushion and I thought, that cushion's rather nice. And when were you planning on sharing this with anyone? No one asked. You promised if there was something that was going to be helpful, you'd tell me. I did tell you after you asked. How was I meant to know to ask? You did something in secret.

You saw me with the cushion. That's meant to be it. I'm keeping up my part of the- No, you're not. I am. No, you're not. Dragon bait. Am I keeping up my end of the bargain?

Dragon bait shrugs. You don't get the shigambi cube. He gives you some sense, and you actually bargain dragon bait shrugs you don't get the shigambi cube he gives you some sense and you actually know dragon bait enough to deduce what he's trying to say you deduce more than just the general emotions that he's giving off you deduce the concept or the idea that dragon bait has not heard the exact agreement and so he couldn't comment very diplomatic dragon bait um all right fine you can keep the cube orvec says perhaps we shouldn't rest here i know it's a i know it's risky but my knowledge of this of omu leads me to believe that we would be safer in a house than with this trap i think it's a great idea let's go let's go find

somewhere safe for sure as you're leaving when you step out into the light you see that vaughn's lower half is covered in gore really vaughn has fought something while you were away and you don't know what. You're right, Vaughn. He doesn't talk. You don't. Vaughn can't tell you. I don't know. See?

All right. Horns. Look at that. See that? That does not change anything. No, no, no, no. No, it does. It doesn't excuse you from anything.

He was out on a lookout and I went in and I left him out there. And look, he's covered in gore. He's a competent fighter. He would have protected all of you, all right? Thank you very much. I think this is Camadan, Orvex says, looking at the bits and pieces. There were two, I think, Camadans, a hunting pair. Adam, the Camadan statues that were at the front, are they still there?

They weren't statues. They were like, yeah, plants. Okay. Tiffany, you can hear a mewling from northwards. Does anyone else hear that? If everyone starts straining their ears, yeah, you can definitely all hear it. It sounds like cubs crying out for their mother and father. I look.

What? Just not the first time you've ruined the life of a baby, is it? Good boy card. Hell yeah. Let's find somewhere to rest. Are you doing anything about that? No. Wow.

They're cubs. What are they going to do? Vaughn can take them, clearly. Nope. Not what I meant. They're cubs. Adam, is everyone else, are we walking away? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to go to the muleling. All right. I got made to feel bad. Where are you going? I just don't say anything. You can follow if you want. Everyone looks really awkward. Where are you going i just don't say anything you can follow if you want no everyone looks really awkward where are you going i just keep going how am i there yet uh yeah it's around the other side of the the shrine where the cart was underneath the cart you see that's why the cart

was there i was wondering why they included a cart in the manual. That's from when they built the place. Does it take – were there – did it only sound like two cubs? There are three young cubs. I follow. Are they really cute, Adam? They – Are they like little kittens? They're too young for their snakes to have sprouted in yet,

so they just look like baby jaguars. They're maybe like little bumps. If you feel the fur around their necks, you can feel little bumps where their snakes will grow. Adam, I give these little kitties the gentlest of pats. They're feral animals, but even if they bite you, it's not like hard enough to hurt. All our little fellas.

You can pat them, but I think they, yeah, they're not, like, happy about it. Damn it, I don't have an animal handling skill. Oh, I would have actually should have rolled your animal handling. Crazy fortuitous circumstance to adopt them. With your animal handling, you can prevent yourself from being, like, your hands being mauled. Like, you're not getting any painful scratches or bites. It's like little play bites.

You could spend that if you want. To let me adopt them? Sure. And make them not kill me? Sure. Really? Really? 100%.

All right. Here's the deal. Okay. In the book, it says, the Camadon cubs are non-combatants that look like baby leopards and grow to adult size within a year. The cubs' snakes won't sprout from their shoulders for another six months. Characters can capture the cubs and spend months trying to domesticate them, but the Kamadans turn on their would-be masters once they reach adulthood in a year.

If you use the fortuitous circumstance, I will say that it is not a guarantee that they will turn on you in a year. If you use the fortuitous circumstance, I will say that it is not a guarantee that they will turn on you in a year. You can try to domesticate or I should say tame them. Adam, I'd like to spend my fortuitous circumstance. All right. You have three kamadan cobs. I watched this happen from about like six feet away. I just shake my head and I say, who are you?

I pick the three up. I put them on the velvet cushion. And I carry them back past Tiffany with the rest of the group. I say nothing to you. My internal monologue is fucking mean to babies. No, I actually say that under my breath. Fucking mean to babies. I won't say mean to babies.

Babies. No, actually say that under my breath. Fucking mean to babies. I won't show you mean to babies. Artists Simber with slightly pursed lips and with a finger to his lips gives you this sort of an expression, Tiffany. I don't know how you would describe that expression. Because Pop's such a big fucking asshole being to babies. Confused but alarmed.

Under my breath, I say, it's the first time I've seen him show any affection and it was out of spite. Get another fucking good boy card. Fucking both of you. That is true. That's the first time you've shown public affection and it was out of spite. That's very funny.

As I'm just cradling these cubs, I'm like, your name is Pip, your name is I'm like, your name is Pip. Your name is Pup. And your name is Pep. Fucking write that shit down, my friend. You both take a long rest. You have one of those long boys. Oh, first off, actually, you've got to clear out a building.

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater as they scream at me. Clearing out a building? Before we can sleep in it, is that what you're saying? Yeah. You've got to find an empty building. Who's first into the building? Adam.

Who do you think is first into the building? Cass is. No, I am not. No, Pop is. Absolutely me, Adam. All right, right pop cuddling your three new kittens you are the first into the building with your garbage passive perception you cannot uh yeah you you don't see it never mind everyone settles in. No one sees it. No one sees what?

Well, you disturbed it, and then no one else was there in time. Wait, do we know what we're not seeing? Was it a skill or attack roll? No, it wasn't. It was just your passive perception. Oh, so our lazy eyes. Yeah. Oh, man, I'm a lazy. So who's on first watch?

Who do you think's on first watch? Adam, you ask these questions. Like like you've never been to us before. Adam, can you please not take a shower now? We're working. Over the course of the night, I would say maybe on the third or last watch. That's not me. No. It starts absolutely pelting down with rain. Like it's a little bit of a drizzle at first,

but then maybe an hour before sunrise, it becomes a monsoon. The rain is so heavy. So what's the plan? It's raining too heavy to go anywhere, I suspect. You suspect pretty correctly. What would you like to do? You wait to see if it eases up? Yes. We're so close. We suspect pretty correctly. What would you like to do? We wait to see if it eases up. Yes.

We're so close. We're so close. But you're right. Yeah. So, you gonna stay indoors today? I guess we are gonna stay indoors today. Well, Ashley, we'll just keep watch. Does it ease up at all? Not really, no. It's gonna be all day today like this.

That's right. I spend the day playing with my new friends. Oh, and you'll heal some hit points, of course. I might as well do a bit of a level three cure wounds on myself as well then. Yeah, I'm just playing with my little kittens. Cubs. They're cubs, I feel. Why aren't they kittens? Because I feel like they're like tigers, aren't they?

Or cheetahs or jaguars. They are cubs, but they're all cats. You don't call a lion a kitten. You call it a cub. Another night passes uneventfully. That's good. By the next day, you're afraid that the rain's going to continue through this day, but by the time that you all are finished

with breakfast, it's begun lightening up and while it's still raining you can go out and it's not that heavy it's like a light drizzle basically you hear rock and roll horns ready as i'll ever be let's go um how are the cats doing are they beautiful pip is doing all right pep doing all right pop Pop's being a bit mischievous, but Pip and Pep are all right. Yeah, that's about fucking right. So he is. You're behaving like your namesake, you little shit. So you travel along the side.

You have a very nice view of the magma pit below you until it eventually gives way to the waterfall and then the river. Up ahead of you, you can see a crossing. A fallen tree bridges the river ahead. Its trunk is wider than a man and stretches more than 100 feet. On both banks lie ruined buildings. It looks like the tree destroyed some buildings on its way down. You can also see on a wall growing just on your left hand side on a not destroyed building

you see several fruit on vines they look notable neither of you really that they're just they're just like big bright vibrant and obviously all of nature's eat me signs, you know? Something tells me that while they look edible, we should not eat them. I don't think we should, no. Well, Blast, do you want to lead the way? Hey, Orvex, try a bit of fruit. Do you want to roll deception? Yes.

Certainly, yes. yes uh certainly yes this yeah go for it orvex picks one of the fruit they look a little bit like a banana but they're too long and not curved he peels and eats it. And immediately dies. No. He says he clutches his gut after he's eaten a couple of mouthfuls and says, I don't, what is this? I don't know. You don't know? No. It looks like fruit. You didn't have to eat it.

You're your own man, Orvex. You could have turned around and said pop. Orvex doubles over. Orvex, are you okay? He vomits. Heal him. One of Orvex's legs starts twitching. What is? Can I?

Oh, Adam. Hang on. Look at my spells. I know a spell that I can. Detect poison? Yeah, detect poison and disease. Hey, do you know what is a really good detect poison tool? Your eyes.

Orvex's other leg starts jerking. And then Orvex starts dancing. It's dancing fruit. He vomits again. That would be dancing monkey fruit, Flask of Wine says. Oh, shit. It causes dancing monkey disease. Yes, he will be like this for about a minute.

Will he be okay? It does not feel nice. Lesser restoration to make it go away immediately? Yeah, it'll work. Yeah, right. I'll do it. You cast lesser restoration, and Orvex stops dancing and vomits one final time. You're right, Orvex.

Orvex looks up at you. Yes. Why did you eat the fruit? I thought it was, you said it. You're right. It's my fault, he says. Oh, no. I help Orvex up.

Sorry. Sorry. I look at Pop like you should apologize. No. I walk Orvect away from you. Are you still heading towards that tree? Yeah, I pick some of the fruit. How much do you want?

Three. Three? All right. You get three dancing monkey fruits. Why the birth do you want that? So what did to him? I don't think we should use it on our friends. Right.

I mean, I've only known Orvex for two days. I glare at you. I pat my cats. So, Pop, you are presumably the first one over the bridge. Yeah, I guess so. As you start walking across, the water beneath you is thunderously loud and it's very powerful. You are not that far up from the waterfall.

If you fell in, it would not be a good time. How does Vaughn get across? The tree trunk is actually wide enough for two people. So it looks like it could support Vaughn's weight. Okay, cool. As you're walking, Pop, it doesn't seem like it's shifting or moving much. So you think it might be safe. How does Vaughn get across?

Last. Yeah, Vaughn goes last. All right. So it's 100 feet across. Who's on the bridge at any one time? One. I would suggest maybe even Flask of Wine goes first or second just because it's a lot more nimble. It can point out possible flaws without dying.

No, no, I'm going first. You can go second. Yeah, yeah. All right, Pop, you go first. You get to the other side after a a tense crossing like the the tree does seem sturdy enough to hold your weight and there doesn't seem to be any obvious flaws with it like it it seems safe but nonetheless you can't help but remind yourself that you are walking just across a tree the tree wasn't designed to be a bridge, but you get across to the other side without any problems.

As soon as you are there, you turn around and maybe flask of wine, the next person to cross, steps onto the tree trunk. At that exact moment, an arrow hits you in the, well, we'll say the back of the head, maybe, pop. But in any case, it's a critical hit. Huh. Fuck me. Something slipped. pop but in any case it's a critical hit huh fuck me something slipped quadruple damage and your ac is reduced by a d8 for a d8 rounds oh no oh oh no holy shit what an opening. Fuck. Oh, my God. Adam. Okay, you passed that very important saving throw, but you'll still take half that damage.

Holy shit. What would have happened if I had failed that saving throw, Adam? This is a lot more damage than I was expecting. I knew there was going to be a sneak attack involved, but there's extra poison damage, and it's a lot. And it's going gonna get doubled as well quadrupled holy shit holy shit i'm about to die maybe is vaughn close enough that he takes any no he's 100 feet away oh holy shit do i have enough six-sided dice oh my god. Holy fucking shit. Adam.

I just turn around and just dunk. Holy shit. Well, it's been nice playing D&D with you guys. Pop, you take 144 points of damage. You're downed. Hey. And I

passed the saving throw. You passed the saving throw. passed the saving throw, correct Fucking hell What was You didn't even see it You didn't see it I turned around to look at them and just go I'm out

We can see the arrow sticking out of the head, yes? Yeah, you can see an arrow sticking out of the back Oh, no, it's 100 feet away Well, no, you can Yeah, you can see an arrow sticking out of the back of his head. He's 100 feet away. But, Tiffany, you do not know what just happened. And now let's go to initiative.

Adam, did the arrow go into the back of my head and pop my fake eye out? Yes. We'll say yes. Highs or lows? Highs. Highs? Your fake eye popped out and flew into the river and is gone. No!

So because you're down, does Vaughn come over? Vaughn doesn't have any active orders right now. So he's actually not going to be in his- Oh, to heal. He's got the healing spell. He does. You did give him a standing- Oh, no. Standing order. Yep, to heal. He's got the healing spell. He does. You did give him a standing. Oh, no. Standing order.

Yep. To heal you when this happens. Yep. Which is not great because he's going to. Guess what's the only way across? Yeah, the tray trunk. Guess what he's going to take at full pelt. The tray trunk.

He has to kill wounds in his body to heal me. Yeah, he does. Pop, who would you like to act with? And Tiffany, who would you like to act with? And Tiffany, who would you like to act with? Flask. I will act with Dragonbait. An arrow lands in Dragonbait's neck. Are you going to kill both the characters

that I'm currently trying to be? He's going to make the saving throw so he doesn't take any additional damage, but he still nonetheless... Oh, and he needs to make a constitution saving throw. He fails that. So this is no good. And then Tiffany, you see a figure on the far bank.

The figure sprints across one roof, leaps off that roof, lands easily on a second roof, and then makes themselves flat against that roof. You can't see what the target is anymore. You know what roof they're on, but that's it. Very few abilities will actually let you target them unless you physically can see them. Pop, it's you and Dragonbait's turn, or it's Dragonbait's turn, really. You, one failed saving throw. It's me, Papa Bandit in.

And what is Dragonbait going to do after taking 48 points of damage? Does he have any ranged attacks? No. He has his sword and that's it. He's a simple man. He's not across the log yet. He can detect evil auras within 60 feet. Yeah, well, it. He's a simple man. He's not across the log yet. He can detect evil auras within 60 feet.

Yeah, well, it's 100 feet away. Yeah. Oh, Vaughn starts sprinting across the bridge. Dragon Bane hitches a ride on Vaughn. I'll allow it, Sammy. Sammy, allow it. They have the same movement speed, So they both make it 120 feet, and they're both on the other side of the bridge.

Great. And that is both of their turns. So Tiffany and Flask. So that bridge didn't fall, so that's good to know. No, it didn't. We are both going to run over. You can, I think, Tiffany, Flask of Wine. Actually, both of you can still act on the other side of the bridge.

Flask of Wine would use his feline agility, and you, Tiffany, can use your cunning action to allow yourself to still have an action on the other side of the bridge. If I use Earth Tremor, will that break the building? It might damage the building. You don't think it would break the building. It's not very structurally sound, but it's not not very structurally sound. Earth tremor does not have a very large range as well.

You're very unlikely to actually hit the person. If I were to use Agonar's Scorcher on the roof. You're more likely to hit with earth tremor than you are with Agonar's Scorcher. Well, then earth tremor it is. Highs or lows? Highs. And highs or lows one more time? Highs.

Okay. You see the top part of the building explode or rupture and bits of rock and rubble and plaster and God knows what else rain down upon you, but nothing else happens. It doesn't look like you hurt the person. Grr. what did you want flask of wine to do flask of wine will jump onto the nearest building to see if they can spot the person flask of wine could try climbing up but it's a bit too hard to just jump up then he will climb his best and then it's artist simba's turn artist simba gets to the other side of the bridge but that's his turn as well can orvex fight or is he just a useless fuck orvex has not shown

any aptitude for fighting and was poisoned moments ago by you so you've not really in i use lesser restoration you don't get points for things you should do orvex is gonna pop does orvex is going to stay on the set. No, but Pop does. Orvex just goes to ground. And Tiffany, an arrow is sticking out of your breastplate. You are not sure when that happened. You fail

your constitution saving throw. And now, a word from our sponsors. Also, hey, D&D is fun, but if you're wishing that you could hear questions that no one ever thought to ask about pop culture you only kinda know, then do I have news for you. Plumbing the Death Star is a show by Zamet, Dushar, and Jackson where they, as my dad calls it, make a living while being a drain on society, like you, Adam. that make a living while being a drain on society, like you, Adam. So if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad doesn't believe in entertainment,

then head on down to sanspantsradio.com and search for Plumbing the Death Star. What if I do a D12? Your luck. What if I'm lucky? What if I'm lucky and I'm like... Still no good. What if I'm lucky? What if I'm lucky and I'm like... Still no good. What if I add D12? You pass the constitution saving throw now.

Oh, no. No, you didn't. I'm sorry. You take 42 points of damage, Tiffany. And Tiffany, you see a figure sprinting across the rooftops. They're a lot closer now. So you actually get a decent look at them. It's a tabaxi. Oh.

Can I look at his head? Giant feathered headdress. The tabaxi looks feral. Does the tabaxi give off the vibe that i could tempt it with a ball of soft no no this this tabaxi looks more like a predator than a cat that's upsetting because i'm prey at the moment yes the like i said this tabaxi looks feral he's covered in mud and dried blood and you imagine even this range, you imagine he doesn't smell great. He quite clearly has been in the jungle for too long.

He lands on another rooftop and goes low, crouching forwards. You can see him, but you're the only one who can see him. Unfortunately, you are the only one with a decent passive perception. Anyone else would need to spend their action trying to spot him. Then it is Pop and Dragonbait's turn. First things first, Vaughn activates. Vaughn's chest opens up. And a light shines down on Pop.

Pop, you gain 10 hit points. So you're on 10 hit points oh my where's my fucking eye i had a question though adam yeah this amulet of proof against detection and location looks like an eye could i jam that in my head you could if you wanted to i guess i wouldn't advise it why it just it's just not gonna be fun you might uh i'd make it non-lethal but i'd say you took a point of non-lethal damage because it's too big to be an eye you could do it or do i wear it as an eye patch around my head you could try to do that as well either of those things however is probably not an action you want to perform in combat no no I would wait until the end. I'm aware. Yes.

Wearing it as an eye patch is less likely to hurt you. Yeah, cool. Ooh, I would like to do Hellish Rebuke on this creature. That's now instead of my turn, isn't it? Uh, yes, you do that as a reaction. That's okay. The Tabaxi makes a Dexterity saving throw, which they fail.

A Wreath of Fl flames bathes them. They will take 2d10 points of damage. Merry Christmas. Taking 11 points of damage. Merry Christmas. You hear that from the rooftop. That's no good. Oh, no, that is a cat noise.

you see the tabaxi open its mouth and just oh my god it's a raid it's swallowed an air raid so pop you are prone but you get your full action and dragon bait of course fucking hell um well straight away uh i want to do a level three kill wounds on myself. And dragon bait, try and locate the thing. You cast that on yourself. You still have your movement. What would you like to do with your movement? Get out of rain?

No. Can I get around a building so I can't be hit in the head with an arrow again? You realize now now it seems very obvious now but of course it always seems obvious now like i said before a lot of the buildings around here are destroyed it seems like it's just too it's too inconvenient this is quite obviously a kill zone you have no cover fucking hell i've still got the arrow in my head yeah in the back of your head, yeah. Poking out.

Yes. You could try sprinting to cover now, but it'd take you a couple turns to get to cover. I will, yeah, move to cover

and tell Dragonbait to get a bead on. No, get Dragonbait to move to cover with me. Alright, you and

Dragonbait start sprinting towards cover together. Dragonbait maybe grabs you as he's passing to, like, not help you. Well, kind of help you. Yank so that you're upstanding. And you two are sprinting to cover together. You can see the arrow in

Dragonbait's throat. Mine's worse. He didn't die. No, he didn't. Well, that's not necessarily like anti-him. It just shows that he's better than you, if anything. Sure. Also, I instruct Vaughn, do I have any idea? You don't know what's happening.

You lost consciousness and then you woke up and this is happening. And I have an arrow and there's shit going on and I'm like, fuck me. All right. I've just seen a building explode. Yes. I instruct Vaughn, if you see anyone that isn't friends, meaning our party and Orvex, shouldn't you be drinking some water for this? Aquan's beautiful. Isn't it?

Such a beautiful language. Yeah, so the instruction I gave him was to kill. If he sees anything that isn't us, kill. Do you really think it's healthy to be installing an us versus them mentality and not addressing the issues that plague us daily? No, I'm pretty comfortable. Vaughn tenses. His world is simple.

He has but two designations, friend and dead. No, three. Friend, dead, soon to be dead. I love Vaughn. Tiffany and flask of wine, it's your turn. I would love to, if possible, reach Old Mate and shank him. You will not be able to. He's at the top of a building.

Oh, right. I'm on the ground. Flask is the one who's up a building. Fuck. Flask is up the wrong building as well. But he has a bow and arrow, yeah? He does have a bow and arrow, yes. Well, I would love to agonize scorch him.

All right. He arrow, yes. Well, I would love to agonize scorch him. All right. He fails, surprisingly. He takes six points of damage as further fire reeks him. Can I deal maximum damage on this attack, please? Absolutely. Good boy card. Did I say six points of damage? I meant 24 points of damage.

That's three eights. Yep. Much better. Much better. Much better. You point both of your hands towards the roof, and at first it's like a hose. It's like a hose, but it's fire, not water. It's the exact opposite of a hose.

At first. A flamethrower, Adam? Is that the word you're looking for? Yes. At first it's just a little trickle, like someone had just turned the handle once over. But then you know how sometimes some sorts of taps, you only need, it's like little, little, little, little, little,

and then bang, and it's full burst. Yes. That's what happens. That is my tap at home. A little bit of fire licks the building, and then your hand, you are thrown backwards a little bit with the physical force of it and the entire roof is a light in flames oh and flask gets to the roof flask looks around but just well probably from you knows which roof to target but can't see the enemy

doesn't he see a cat in flames he seems sees flames, unfortunately. Ugh, flask. No one but you has seen the enemy so far. Can he try really hard to look? He can spend his action doing that, yes. Can he try really hard? He will lean slightly forward on the roof, put his open salute hands above his eyebrows, and do that duck thing.

No, no, no, Cass. Hands as binoculars. Oh, my God. I i'm so stupid i can't believe i forgot about unfortunately i get a bad boy card and he does not spot the enemy he thinks the enemy is a chimney he's doing the the hands the wrong way around so they've made it really small like when you're looking binoculars backwards he's done the ally binoculars oh no everything's little artist simba knocks or locks his arm backwards as if he's done the ally binocular oh no everything's little artist simba knocks or locks his arm backwards as if he's about to pitch a baseball and then he takes a step forward and a second step and a third step and a fourth step and as he starts as one step follows another he starts going into instead a cricketer's ball. And as he's bowling an imaginary ball,

an orb of ice appears in his hand. As he looses it, the ice ball gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until a boulder made of ice slams on the roof that you targeted, Tiffany. Highs or lows? Highs. He hits. Yay!

35 points of damage. Adam, is he dead now? No, he's not dead, but you see two paws go up from the rooftop and then slowly a figure follows them. You all see the tabaxi now. I give up. That's sus, right? That's sus.

Maybe he actually does like lower, he drops his bow off the side. Tiffany, you've not stopped seeing him, so you don't think this is an illusion, unless it could be an illusion or something like that, but you have been watching him this entire time. He drops the bow off the side of the building, puts his paws up and says, I surrender. Are we out of combat?

I would say Pop and Dragonbait will decide that. Oh, my God. He shot me in the head and I surrender. Are we out of combat? I would say Pop and Dragonbait will decide that. Oh, my God. He shot me in the head and I died. You don't know, though. I mean, I might not do anything, but Vos still has standing orders. You could countermand them right now. I could. Are you not?

He shot me in the head, Adam. All right. Are you not going to say me in the head, Adam. All right. Are you not going to say anything? No, no. All right. You can do nothing if you want. Vaughn, stand down. Vaughn, in the middle of picking up a big rock, drops it.

If you so much as look like you're about to do something shady, I will rip your spine out through your nose. May I invite you to tea? Fucking hell. He wants tea. A flask of wine from the other rooftop nods and says, I would love tea. Yes, please.

I'm following. I follow. If flask of wine trusts him, then I trust him. It'll be rude to say no to tea. Both the Tabaxi climb down from their respective roofs. him. It'll be rude to say no to tea. Both the Tabaxi climb down from their respective roofs. Well, it will be rude to say no to tea. That's very funny. You grew up in a court. If someone invites you to tea, it was impolite to say no, correct?

No one invited me to tea. All right, then bad example. But now you know that if someone invites you to tea, you have to say yes. People invited you to tea and no one invited me to tea. I was kind. I went to so much effort to be nice. I'm talking to myself. You were awful and they still invited you to tea.

Please, the new tabaxi says, follow me. I will take you to my lair. You owe me an eye. Agreed. I have many back to my lair You owe me an eye Agreed I have many back at my lair if you wish Oh yes, we're going to see a tabaxi collection Yeah Alright, so

He's a hoarder The two tabaxi lead the way And you hear them having an animated conversation in their native tongue Sometimes referred to as catfolk Sometimes referred to as tabaxi lead the way, and you hear them having an animated conversation in their native tongue. Sometimes referred to as catfolk, sometimes referred to as tabaxi. I don't speak either of those languages. Can I see you trying to make out what they're saying? I'm so fucking lewdly. I thought it would be impolite to eavesdrop.

It is, unless someone shoots you in the face. It's back of the head. I turn around and point at the gaping hole where my eye was. The arrow's still there, so I haven't taken it out. Yeah, you haven't taken it out. Face. Oh, we're playing face holes now? Are we playing face holes now?

I lift my flap. Your argument is interrupted because the building is not far away. There's an abandoned building, which you all huddle inside, and the new Tabaxi, who, as he grabs like a chain that's just lying on the ground, and starts pulling

at it, eventually you notice it's very well hidden. The chain is connected to a trap door. The Tabaxi pulls on the trap door, and it slowly opens, and he pauses for a second looking up at you and says oh uh my name is bag of nails i am flask of wine and these are my uh uh these are my employers this is tiffany hi the brash one there is artist simber the big one is named vaughn he will not be allowed down in here and he is not to play with

that's the instruction we gave him oh my gosh, Adam. That's beautiful. The weird looking one is named Orvex. The normal looking one is named Dragonbait. And the one who will not tell me where it is, is Pop. It is a pleasure to meet you. As I my name is bag of nails welcome to my lair he pulls the trap door until it's completely up and there's a ladder down is that a reference to when i wouldn't tell him you have no idea my bag would be a fucking thousand different things you all climb down into a abandoned well, not abandoned because he lives there, a basement. The basement is full of animal parts. There are a great number of slaughtered carcasses here.

And there are also obvious trophies. There are a lot of trophies of all different sizes and animals. He has four different types of grung. So frog people, four different types of them, heads. And he has what you think at first is a human head, but then you realize must be a zombie's head, but dead. So it is kind of a human head. Where's the line yeah there's a completely dead and mounted baby dragon on one wall and there are there's like a whole box of eyes he opens up a box of eyes and says you may take any one what do we got adam anything really cool anything that

tickles me fancy it's hard to tell what eye belongs to what it's kind of just what shape size and color you want knowing that all of these are real eyes you know i have a basilisk guy that i put in my head well let's turn to stone is the thing yeah true hmm i. It looks like one of them blinks. I take that one. All right. I put that in my bag and put my backup basilisk guy in, taking out the bow. That hurts. He, Bag of Nails starts brewing you tea on a pot and a little fireplace.

There's like a hidden chimney. Well, it's not hidden here, but you presume on the other side, up above it's hidden so that no one would easily find this basement. Except that Vaughn's sitting cross-legged next to it. It could just be an ornament. A Vaughn-ament. It's my Vaughn-ament. Tiffany, you notice that while he's brewing the tea,

he takes a gourd, a hollowed out gourd from his side, opens it up and pours a little bit of what's in it into six glasses. There are seven glasses in total. What's that? Hmm? What did you just pour from your gourd? It improves the taste. Wow.

well look you don't know what he poured but you don't you the explanation maybe he says like a specific type of spice or something like that like something native to these parts and both flask of wine and pop have heard of this uh heard of this herb before maybe he called it juice from manga leaves and you know pop and flask of wine both know that manga leaves when you consume just the leaf itself it's a poison that knocks you unconscious for an hour but if you squeeze the leaves and get the juice out it adds a refreshing minty taste and it's fine and he describes the process of juicing the mango leaves, and maybe you don't say anything, Pop, but Flosk does mention that this is true, and it's a very plausible and fine-sounding lie.

Just an FYI, Horns. While we believe him, mango leaves are used to also render people incapacitated. Swig your gourd. Sorry? Swig your gourd. Sorry? Swig your gourd. All right, then. He holds up the seventh.

He drinks his tea. Swig your gourd. Oh, the gourd. Nothing left. He upends it. Have more tea. I'm not thirsty. I just had mine.

Have another. I'm good, thank you. The air takes on a level of tension. I walk up to him, holding my tea and say, please, I insist. No. No, you don't. With my other hand

I stab. You both stab each other at the same time then. Alright, we're gonna go back to initiative. Tiffany, you will go first. So you drop your cup and immediately in your hand is your knife. You stab out at him, but he was also expecting this. You can see that he has a knife in his hands, but you get the drop on him.

You stab him. Unfortunately, you have no allies in the fight right now so you don't get any sneak attack damage. But you do still get the first hit. Cool. You deal. Can I use green flame blade while the knife's in? Oh you can use green flame blade actually, yes.

You deal six points of damage from the stab itself then three extra points of damage from green flame blade and i think you've downed him yep you stab him in the gut and fire wraps around his belly nearly face to face with you he leaning down a little bit because he's a bit taller than you he whispers to you, pack of chalk, and then he collapses. Is he dead or just unconscious?

He's dying. Pop, your turn next. Are we still on initiative? He's not dead yet. Well, yeah, he's not dead dead, unless you wanted to make him dead dead. We want to make him dead dead, don't we? I think it would be safer if someone- If you want to make-

Oh, if you're in agreement to make him dead dead, then we're not an initiative oh you just step on his neck and kill him you know i want to just hammer him in the head yeah easy done no stress just bang let's look for some poison or something he's got flask of wine holds his cup of tea close to his face crinkles his nose and sniffs at it. Midnight tears. I imagine had we consumed this, we would all be dead. Well done. Horns. Nice. You know. I would imagine his arrows to be poisoned

with the same substance. Thank you very much. Get a good one. Well, he was a bag of nuts. He, I think, had been out here for too long. Yeah, you're not wrong. Sometimes, it is an old tabaxi expression.

I do not know if you've ever heard of it, but sometimes when the cat runs in the wild, Sometimes when the cat runs in the wild, the wild runs with the cat, and the cat is well fed. All Tabaxi expressions. And with a good meal. That's how I knew he was untrustworthy. He never once talked about a good meal.

Not to you, I suppose. How sad that being out here too long is his punishment now. He's stuck out here forever. What's in his cave? Yeah, let's search his cave of bits and pieces. Take another eyeball. Oh yeah, you're right. I go back to the eyes. You can have all the eyes

you want. I'm going to take them all. It's a big box. You couldn't carry it. Shove them in your shell. It's not really ideally set up to transport. I take ten eyes. That's not portable. All right. You take ten eyes.

So I've got one blinking eye, ten. Misk. Misk. Plus the basilisk that's in my head. Yes. I'm just going to stop them around for aesthetic effect. Does the one that blinks still just blink if I put it in? Sorry?

I just put the blinking one in and it's constantly just winking. No, no, it doesn't blink again. You don't see it blinking, so you're not sure. If you search this place, you find a backpack if you're interested. Yes. Yes. You can add it to your inventory. Oh, there's nothing in the backpack.

Oh, no, the backpack itself is empty, but you do find other stuff for size. So you find a bedroll, a mess kit, a tinderbox, ten torches, ten days worth of rations made of dubious sources. You find a water skin and

50 foot of hempen rope. Does Orvex have that stuff yet? No. If you want, you can kit Orvex out with it. Yeah, Orvex can. So, was there anything else? Was there anything in here, Adam, that looked particularly old or notable? No, not really.

No, not really. He wasn't very, he clearly was not very interested in the surrounding area. Just in killing. Rest in the cave. Yeah. Do you mean here? Yeah.

This is a basement. Yeah, we rest in his basement. His man cave. His murder den. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you meant man cave. Yes, obviously. It's where he comes to relax and, you know,

get away from the old ball and chain. Am I right? What a voluntary choice. Pop, you've had a rough couple of days. Oh, I know. I cuddle a calf to make myself feel better. Oh, would you like to charge Vaughn with a spell? I will.

I'm going to give him a cure wounds again. Third level? No, just a first level because it's just to bring me back from the dead. Okie dokie. And I give him the same instruction as last time. We leave the basement, I guess. What other crazy denizens of Oumu will our characters meet? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie Plate Chant. Thanks for listening.

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