D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #21 Temple of the Almiraj

Episode Date: July 4, 2020

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Sans pants radio. Just remember, while you can stay under the abyss, the abyss will not stare back, does not kiss on the mouth, won't do anything weird, charges by the hour. Hey, before we get started today, just a reminder that we, the Plumbing Boys, are currently doing a four-part livestream of the Plumbing Boys play slash ruin D&D with Stupid Old Studios. old studios. That's right, we've teamed up with our good friend and worst enemy, Adam Carnevale, to explore the fantasy world that is Dungeons and Dragons, and to hopefully prove once and for all that beating D&D, it's not even that hard. Smart decisions are there for losers, and being strong and handsome can overcome any challenge Adam throws at us. Tickets and more information are available at sospresents.com, and before you interrupt me and say hey Joel Dusha I just looked at the dates and I'm stupid and dumb and an idiot and even though I had every intention of buying a season pass to this event I haven't and now

I've missed it what can I do well great news fuckwit it's also on video on demand you can relive our previous glories whenever you want and as much as you want look your call I mean we've really thought of it all. So head to SOSPresents.com for dates, times, and ticket info. And I'll see you online. Welcome to Season 2, Episode 21 of Zombie Plague Chult. You get behind the walled compound that you first found Orvex at, and you see, sure enough, there is a shrine on the other side.

Good one, Orvex. As it nears an hour, you take your time, you're patient. Artisimbra says, take your time. You take your time, you're patient. I'm pacing behind you. It doesn't help. With a click, the door opens. As soon as that happens, there's a flash,

and you realize you've set off a magical trap. Remember when Danday was fun, Cass? No. It isn't. Yeah, fair. Not fair. Can I hobble over the flask? Yeah, I want to see how he's doing. As soon as the puzzle cube is lifted off the plinth, you can see that the

surface that it is on starts to rise a little bit, but when you put the bag of ball bearings on it goes back down i'm assuming we're heading up the pathway to look for more temples yep orvex doesn't know exactly where any other temples are but he imagines that there will be some along this main road beneath this city deep underground is a device known as the soul monger right there we go and what do you want with the soul monger? The next words out of your mouth better be, to destroy it and see

it never continue to monger souls. Pop, the red wizards have just told you they would also destroy the soulmonger if possible. If possible? If possible. And say it weren't possible to destroy it, what would you do with it then?

We are to take it. Hmm. Hmm. Right. Take it. Yeah, look. You're an evil-looking fuck in a red robe who's gonna march down there with your big fucking army

and take an artifact called the Soulmonger. No fucking way. Why the fuck would we help you it is at this point an inevitability you will be overwhelmed here's here's a plan i lay before you instead of fighting us and being killed how about if you worked with us for a time at Yes, you will be aiding what you, I assume, consider to be your great enemy get closer to the soulmonger. But every step you come with us is another step closer to the soulmonger when you betray us. I cast earth tremor where they are. All right.

Oh, boy. They want to work with us, then we clearly have things that they need, that they know that we have, that they need so desperately that they're willing to work with us, and they're hoping that we feel the same, but they're the ones proposing it. We don't feel the same. We do not feel the same.

Does not play well with others. Hey, you rubbed off on me. Earth tremor only affects the area around you. Only around me? Yeah. I could hit them with chill touch. Do you want to cast chill touch on him? Yes.

Does it actually form a hand? Yeah. You create a ghostly spectral hand in the space of the creature within range. Can I slap him with it? Sure. I'll say you deal sneak attack with this. He was expecting you to be reasonable. Has he fucking met us?

He has not. He has not met Shelly and the gang. He has met you. We've met him? Yeah, you've met him before. We've killed every red wizard we found. No, we killed that one. No, you didn't.

You deal him 34 points of damage. I'm dead bitch slap. Alright, let's go to initiative, shall we? Why? Are the mercenaries there? They're not red wizard mercenaries. They're just mercs that pay to help them. Well, there's no such thing as red wizard mercenaries.

They're all mercs, yeah. Yeah. What are they paying you? Pop, who are you going with? Dragonboat. Tiffany? Fast go fine. Tiffany, you take seven points of damage.

Why? The two mercenaries charge forwards. Why? One of them tries to stab you with the spear and misses, but the other one stabs you straight through the shoulder. You feel muscles, tendons, and flesh part. Oh, my. And Pop, it's your turn.

Vaughn, partner's mercenaries. Mercenaries. Mercenaries. Mercenaries. Is Dervidax still far away? He hasn't charged in. No, he hasn't. Difflam? Cool.

Difflam and Percy Merckx. Do you want to know his name or are you just pronouncing it on purpose wrong? Is it? It's Derviriax. Ducalax? That's the last one. Diorirex. Diorax. Oh, it's close. Diorax. I'm going to call him dumb names. Diorax. Yeah That's the last one. Yeah, yeah. Diarex. Dyrax.

Oh, it's close. Dyrax. I'm going to call them dumb names. Dyrax. Yeah, I thought you would. All right. Vaughn kneels down, clutches at the ground, and picks up a clump of grass.

He stands up and lets the grass slowly float to the ground, watching it carefully. Oh, Adam. Yes. Yes. Boom. One step. Boom. slowly float to the ground watching it carefully yes yes boom one step boom two steps boom three boom four boom five using the knowledge of the wind that he gained from watching the grass slowly drift down vaughn punts one of the guards the guard flips end over end and strikes a building. The building collapses on the guard. The guard is dead. Mercenary.

All right. My turn? Yep. The other Merc is still standing. Do you want to reassess your options there, big fella? That's what I say to him. Dyrax shouts, you've seen what they do. Surrender and you'll die.

I'm not offering a surrender. I'm offering a fuck off. The mercenary does not back down. All right. Was my negotiating my turn, my action? No, I'll say no. You get a free sentence. Great, cool.

I'm going to Zephyr Strike this motherfucker to pieces. All right. You cast Zephyr Strike? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your first attack deals 11 points of damage, dropping him. Do you want to kill him? Yes, Adam. All right.

You spend the rest of your turn killing the mercenary. Both mercenaries are dead. And what do you want Dragonbait to do? Get the wizard. Dragonbait charges down the wizard, but that's his turn. It's the wizard dragon bait charges down the wizard but that's his turn it's the wizard's turn the wizard takes a step back from dragon bait waves a hand in front of his face and says you'll regret this and disappears i didn't even get any puzzle cubes out of it well we better keep moving

the army's one of the mercenaries? The one I killed? No, they're both outright dead. Damn. Damn. They're as dead as the fucking dodo. I didn't think you were that sort of a negotiator. Some people you can't really negotiate with. That's true.

You taught me that. Oh, right. Okay. Good, I guess. that oh right okay good i guess you can see artist symbol looks a little torn as adam is a little torn what's wrong artist artist symbol backs down it's not worth it what i was going to use my power to shoot the the um mage why didn't you well it feels like a waste. I can only do it once a week. He might have a puzzle box. I don't think he would have approached us if he had a puzzle box. True.

He knows we've got more than he does. Look, Tiffany, while ultimately I agree with your assessment of the situation, I feel like I would butt heads with the manner in which you conduct it. Ultimately, I agree, and I think the red wizards are worth trusting but all working with but um i don't know your methods seem almost mandaresque ice yes just so you know there is a big difference between being good and between being nice. One of them is right. Forgive me. I turn my back on artists and toward pop to symbolise that I am siding with you.

Good. And accepting your help in bailing me out of that argument. All right, then. I'm still smiling at Artis. We're still, we're cool. But Artis Sembre does not think too much of it. He shouldn't. It's not that big of a deal.

But I side with Pop on this one. You press on. Yeah. That we do. Do you reckon he was, how far away do you reckon the shadow man was? I reckon anywhere's too close. We just need to stay inside, really. How much do you want to bet that old mate is part of a vastly dwindling number

that have fuck all puzzle cubes? That's the only reason he came to us, right? He just wouldn't have approached us if they had enough, right? Well, obviously they don't have enough because we have some. No, no, but I mean if they had enough, right? Well, obviously they don't have enough because we have some. No, no, but I mean if they had five, say, they would have waited for Shallow Man to get here, right? Maybe. Come after us.

He's got a good point. I mean, if you just found a place and buried them, it would take them a while to discover them. But we want to use them. Well, yes, exactly. But if you wanted to make life hard for the Red Wizards, you very easily could. It would just to make life hard for the Red Wizards, you very easily could. It would just be making life hard for yourself as well.

Look, I would imagine they consider you an unknown quantity. They don't know if they can or can't work with you. Ultimately, they are aware that they're not idiots. They know that you won't be able to finish the quest together, but. They're fucking idiots. Don't you worry. I would not underestimate the red wizards. I'm not underestimating them.

I just think they're idiots. Well, I think burying them is a terrible idea because I don't plan on dying anyway. What does it matter if they're on my body or not? I'd rather have them near. I'm not planning on dying. Okay. I was just going to make the suggestion

that it actually wouldn't be a bad idea potentially to bury one somewhere. It's like in case we get caught as a gonna put things in the big fella in the big fella as a like a uh insurance policy but if you want to keep them near look ultimately i think this is a very dangerous operation and however you wish to conduct it you may and obviously you know we've all made it this far do you know i i was beginning to like you a little bit but you're just starting to grate me again i've actually not been trying to get you to like me no i i know i look at Dragonbait just like. Dragonbait mouths leaf. Hmm.

Poor. I take my hat off and I like twist it really hard and just kind of walk away, twisting the hat and fucking talking and I'm fine. You're a you, Bart. I look at Dragonbait and cock my head like, what? What's that? What's that?

Dragonbait shakes his head with like like a knowing smile put the hat on and then i check on my little kamadan kittens to calm me down all right what's the middle one uh what are they pop pop and pep pop has been misbehaving you are having a hard time keeping a figurative and literal lead on pop but pop and pepper good uh pip it was pip pops me pip pep and pop pip and pep are good but pop is bad yeah pop has been misbehaving that's all right pop may try to kill you in a year must go that's fun just like the real pop true somewhere out there there's a little kobold hunting you yeah the real pup he wouldn't wait a year he knows to strike while the iron's hot constantly because he knows i'll get him if i

find it first um cool i'm uh i'm soothed all right let's go it kills me that i can't be friends with those cats on principle as you continue, you spot what is definitely another shrine. Head first in, don't think twice. Cracked monoliths flank the entrance to this ruin. Sore-edged ferns grow in the courtyard between broken flagstones. A pair of stone doors provide entry to a large, flat-roofed ruin. As you approach, Tiffany, you see an almirage, which is the little bunny with the unicorn.

When it sees you, the second it sees you and can detect the presence of you and your party approaching, you see it sprint for a burrow. Of all the animals you have had to deal with around the shrines, the almirage is the one you are least worried about. It's just, it literally is like a rabbit. Tiffany, as you approach, sculptural reliefs decorate the doors of this shrine.

The carvings show a horned rabbit charging a small, feral-looking bear with sharp claws. A cuneiform message is etched above the doors, which Orbex reads. Ijin teaches us to take the path least expected. Okay. That's good advice. Let's head in.

A 10-foot-wide hallway strikes off into the gloom. Carved tiles depicting various beasts decorate the hallway floor. This is a trap floor. Oh, my friend. you have no idea. There are 32 tiles covering a 20-foot long, 10-foot wide stretch of the hallway. Each tile is a 5-foot square, and the tiles are arranged in 8 rows of 4. The beasts depicted on the tiles are Almaraj, dragonflies, eagles, giraffes,

monkeys, tigers, warthogs, and zebras. All of the animals are normal except for the rabbit unicorn. Don't stand on the Almaraj, I guess, because the Almaraj is expected. Because it's the Almaraj's tomb. Do all of these animals exist in D&D?

Yeah, they're all real animals. Are any of them unexpected? Not in Chult. Yeah, that's what I mean. Are any of them not native to Chult? No, they're all native Chult animals. Orvex, are you able to determine which of these animals is an odd one out for this story? He shakes his head.

I don't think any of them are odd ones out. They're all common animals. Which one of them are reckless? Well, almaraj i guess maybe of which there are several but uh yeah i don't i don't think the yeah i don't i don't think we're trying to look for a reckless animal here what's the least reckless animal, I don't think recklessness of the animal comes into play. They're all animals. I think they're all, yeah, none of them are predators. Surely the eagle? Oh, sorry.

The eagle and the jaguar. Or the tiger, whatever it is. Yeah. The dragonfly. Dragonfly's predators? Yeah, they eat other bugs. Oh. I didn't know that.

I suppose eagles and the dragonflies, yes. And the tigers. And the monkey. Oh, yeah, geez. I don't know if I'd call them. Well, kind of, I guess. It's an omnivore, isn't it? Does any of it look worn anywhere?

No, it all looks kind of equally worn. Is there anything around that could help with this, like just looking around? Yeah, can we climb the walls instead? That's an unexpected path. Well, unfortunately, the question of climbing is all used up, but the tabaxi can climb. Blast could climb.

Blast could climb. Let's put him in mortal danger again. Would you like to? Can we see anything on the walls that looks like spikes had come out or something if we stepped on the wrong tile? Well, it's funny you should say that. You peer closer at the walls, and what your passive perception couldn't initially pick up,

you can detect there are definitely holes in the wall, running on both walls all along where the tiles are. You are very certain that if you fuck up, you will be riddled with darts. I pick up my hammer and just underarm, like, drop it on the giraffe tile immediately in front of us. Nothing happens. It could be that the hammer's just not heavy enough.

I put my crowbar on the hammer thing as well. You pile a bunch of things on until it slowly shifts down. The giraffe? Yeah. Nothing happens. Right. We take the stuff off. Cheerio.

I step on the giraffe. It clicks down into place and nothing happens. Try the warthog. I pass everything back to Pop to pile on. The warthog immediately in front of me? Yeah. I put everything on the warthog immediately in front of me. Nothing happens.

Pick everything up and I step on. You get a backpack. Just fill a backpack with some stuff and you use that. Okay. I step onto the warthog. Nothing happens. I put the backpack down in front of the dragonfly. Nothing happens. I step onto the warthog. Nothing happens. Put the backpack down in front of the dragonfly. Nothing happens.

I step onto the dragonfly. You're good. I step onto the warthog. So you're on the warthog and he's on the dragonfly. You guys will probably need to remember what tiles you were on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't step on the warthog in front of me.

I step on the monkey. All right. Nothing happens. Right. I think I've got it. I think we just can't. How good are you at jumping off things quickly? Why?

I want to test something. Not that good. Okay. Then you get off the warthog. Put a backpack on the warthog. Just do it. Okay. you get off the warthog, put a backpack on the warthog. Just do it. Okay, I throw the- You weigh down the warthog, yeah.

Yeah. I put my backpack on the warthog. Wait. I step back onto the dragonfly, and now I- The hallway fills with darts. Fuck! Oh, you- You can't go backwards.

I don't think you can step on anything someone else has already stepped on. You have to take the path least travelled. I thought it was like you can't be on the same symbol, so I was going to put the bag on the warthog and see if both warthogs triggered the trap. You take three points of piercing damage. For every dart? No, you take three points of piercing damage.

All right. As several darts perforate you, and then you take 17 points of poison damage, 20 damage total. So my experiment was a failure, but I think we've learned the trick. I pick up my backpack and just walk forward. Don't stand on the warthog again.

On to what? Don't stand on the warthog again. Okay, I go I just go all the way up the left side Alright, so You step onto the Almarash And as soon as that happens You feel energy flood into you

You gain 11 temporary hit points I can't step back on that monkey, can I, Adam? You don't? No Sorry I went backwards and it hurt me Tiffany steps on the Almarash I can't step back on that monkey, can I, Adam? You don't know. Sorry. I went backwards and it hurt me. Tiffany steps on the almarach. Do you do anything, Pop?

I step from the dragonfly onto eagle to my left. Eagle to your left? All right, nothing happens. I step onto the giraffe. You step onto the giraffe. Nothing happens. I now step onto the El Mirage in front of me. All right. You feel a wave of energy flooding into you.

You get 12 temporary hit points. All right. You can't be on an animal you've been on before, and you can't be on the same animal. You could just walk up the entire left-hand side, but we just have to time it so that we are never on the same animal twice at the same time. Perfect.

Where are you right now? Giraffe. Right. I'm on Elmirage. I'm going to walk up to Warthog. I'm going to step on the zebra. And Tiffany? I'm going to walk onto Dragonfly.

All right. And then from zebra, I'm going to step on Elmirage. You feel positive energy flooding you, and you hear and feel darts flooding the corridor. Because I've stepped on an Elmirirage. You feel positive energy flooding you and you hear and feel darts flooding the corridor. Because I've stepped on an Elmirage already. You've already stepped on an Elmirage. Fuck! You recover, you gain...

Hit points and then immediately lose them. 15 temporary hit points, but they don't stack with your current ones. So you have just total 15 temporary hit points. Tiffany, you are also in the line of fire. Sorry. Where are you? Dragonfly.

Pop, you take one point of piercing damage. Tiffany, you take one point of... Oh, no, sorry. You take four points of piercing damage. Both of you take 22 points of poison damage. Jesus. Yes. I step onto monkey.

Nothing happens. I step to my left Onto tiger You been on a tiger before? No I've not been on a tiger before I step onto zebra What do you do? Oh you're next to each other now You're next to each other and you're ten feet from the end You keep going horns

Horns gets out of trouble You just keep going straight Horns. Horns gets out of trouble. You just keep going straight. I take a deep breath. Tiffany, do you just keep going straight? I need to hear the yes. No, because you're on a tiger. Yeah. When I step onto giraffe.

I'll still get hit. Can I jump over tiger? No, no, you can go to giraffe. I'll stay where Anna, you've been on giraffe already. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, she's been on giraffe. Actually, do we know that standing on the same one at the same time does anything? You don't know that.

Well, then I'll step onto tiger then. Nothing happens. And then I'll just leave then. Yeah, you leave. Tiffany's out. 10 feet from the end. There's not much you can do except maybe try to jump if you want. Have I been on an eagle? I don't think I've been on an eagle yet. from the end. There's not much you can do except maybe try to jump if you want. I...

Have I been on an eagle? I don't think I've been on an eagle yet. I... Oh, no, I have. I'm just so certain. I have. You've danced a merry jig across these tiles. I've been on every animal. I just... Quickest route. Alright, you want to make a jump?

Yeah, I jump for the end. Alright. Um... I'm sorry, but you've left on the one right in front of you. Yeah. And they go off. Yeah, and then I angrily step onto the next one. I want to call out to everyone back at the other side. Walk up the left. It's the only way you can go without repeating.

Yep. Unless you zigzag like me, like a big fool. I'm so angry at myself. We weren't as stupid this time. No, no. You take, in total, 51 points of damage. Pop. And is everyone else able to just walk up the left-hand side?

Yep, everyone just walks up the left-hand side. That hurt more than the darts. There is no hassle if you just walk along the left-hand side. I walk so you could run. I level three kill wounds myself. That's fair. Now you're in the corridor beyond. You've got a path going to your left and a path going to your right.

Why do I want to go to horns? Left. You start heading left. Oh, Vaughn's outside too. You wind down a... I specified don't kill the rabbits. Aw, they're cute. You go down a slightly winding passage and you find yourself at a left and right

turn again. Left. The left hand path ends well, it finishes with a dead end. Tiffany, you're first. Do you walk right up to the dead end? What do you mean do I walk? I don't touch the wall. I turn left. I mean, I know you turn left.

So you follow that. You turn the corner and you can see it's a dead end. Do you go to the dead end to explore? Oh, no. No? So if you encounter a dead end, all end. Do you go to the dead end to explore? Oh, no. No? So if you encounter a dead end. All right. So you go back.

You go back the other way instead. Oh, that's right. We don't know what it looks like. You go right instead at the last intersection. And you come to another T intersection, left or right? Left. Left. All right.

Another T intersection, left or right? Left. You immediately turn around and you can see a dead end. You don't check the dead end or anything? No, we just turn around and go the other way. All right. Another T intersection, left or right? Left. You immediately turn around and you can see a dead end. You don't check the dead end or anything? No, we just turn around and go the other way. All right. Times of the essence. Going right instead leads you to a door.

Immediately. What do we do? It's a door. Can we open the door, Adam? You open the door. It's not locked. Okay. What's in the room?

A shaft of natural light spills from a tiny square hole in the ceiling onto a carved stone pedestal. An ornate stone cube rests upon its surface. I take it. Nothing happens. Okay. Not bad. We got five. You discover you are missing a puzzle cube.

What? Are you serious? Yeah, I'm serious. Are you fucking joking? The wizard stole it. Yep. The last time I saw it was before we saw him. The invisible fucking piece of shit.

Right. Let's get out of here and find the next one. We'll go back from the way we came. You don't need to take some. He stole one from you. He could do it again. Fine. I chuck two over.

You exit the shrine without any issue. Just going back the way you came. You have enough people that you've actually made kind of almost a line of people to the exit. So you just, like a snake, you turn back on yourselves and an exit there's no hassle right you continue down the highway if you want yeah you've nearly gone the breadth of omu at this point the sun is starting to hang low in the sky well what you can see of the sun through the clouds as the rain pours down heavily upon you through the rain though you see an overturned wagon lies on the street ahead rotting flower petals litter the

ground around it and bees nest in its broken wheels a freshly cut garland of jungle flowers hangs from the wagon's tongue the wagon's tongue it's where the horses would attach oh okay oh no sorry the other end sorry where the where it opens up and you load it okay right that's fresh it looks like some sort of offering or it looks obviously like a shrine of some sort i reckon there might be a temple near here. Well, I think we should maybe avoid the cart. Oh no, this looks way more recent. The petals are rotting. Someone left them here maybe days ago. Oh yeah, but like maybe there's a temple nearby. Oh, we see what you're saying. Because they're offering them to the temple. Maybe. These other temples do not seem to be recently worshipped,

but maybe. You might be right. It might be a trap. It just might be a trap. Is there really anything in there that we could use? It's just an overturned wagon that you can see has obvious signs of recent habitation with the shrine about it. It means there's more people than our friends in yellow and our friends in red. And our friends in snake. Our friends in snake. Well, I'd say in any case, this is a sign that we really need to pick up the pace. All right.

So you're going to leave the wagon be? Yes. Okay. Why? Was there a trap in there that we didn't turn off? No. Do you want to just keep heading straight north? Look at the wagon there.

I'm at the back, right? Yeah. Oh. I look at Dragon Bait and then I look at the flowers. Dragon Bait's walking slightly ahead of you, mate. He's not looking back, not unless you say or do anything. Take a flower. You take a flower?

Yeah. Okay. Nothing happens. I look in it as I go past, like suss it out, and then take a bunch of flowers from it. Oh, now it's a bunch. Through the rain, through the wet rain, you can smell honey and you can hear the bees about here buzzing pleasantly.

Maybe one of the bees lands on you, and you can tell that the bees are not hostile in any way. They do not see you as a threat, and they're happy to just chill about with you. Look, are they getting further and further away? Yeah. You can see an obvious place just before where the tongue of the wagon is. You can see an obvious place just before where offerings are meant to be made.

I have a golden circlet, Adam. I put that where the offering is supposed to go, with the bunch of flowers that I just took out. A beat hangs heavy in the air, and both of you notice that the rain lets up a little bit. It gets a little bit lighter, and you hear, only you, Pop, hear something shifting underneath the wagon. You look down, and you see that the wagon is sitting atop a giant stone tablet sits underneath the wagon. It's about three meters in diameter. It shifts slightly and lifts just a hair's breadth up.

Maybe more than a hair's breadth up, but no more than a man's finger up. And out from under it, a Chewinga appears. Hello. and out from under it a chawinga appears. Hello. The chawinga wanders over to where you've left it the offering, and it picks up the circlet. It puts the circlet on as if it were wearing it like a belt.

Close enough. Oh, my God, I've never been more upset in my life. The smell of honey is powerful now. It's a sweet pleasant smell eventually the rain completely stops and the sun comes out the chawinga wanders back into the wagon and for a moment you think it's about to leave but then it comes back my god are you about to get a present from a Chewinga and not tell anyone about it? It comes back with a small, like a brooch. The brooch is emblazoned. It's stamped with a feather upon it.

You can feel a magical hum about it. The Chewinga presents it for you. Thank you. I take it. Oh, I'm sorry. It's not emblazoned with a feather. I determine here what it's emblazoned with. It has a fan. A fan on it.

If you are on a boat or ship, you can use an action to toss the token up to 10 feet into the air. The token disappears and a giant flapping fan takes its place. The fan floats and creates a wind strong enough to fill the sails of one ship increasing its speed by five miles per hour for eight hours you can dismiss the fan as an action is it a one use only no when you dismiss it you

get the item back cool i uh i pocket it and uh doeshmm. And does the twinger do anything? Is it just? It stands there looking at you curiously. It has a mask that is shaped like the head of a bee. Right. You're the bees. It nods. Have you seen anyone else like us?

Shakes his head. Bald, red. Nods. I take out one of the puzzles. I do this. I'm like, these. Have you seen more of these? It nods.

Where? It looks to the east and points kind of in a north, northeasterly direction. All right. Thank you. What about snakes? It nods. Over that way too?

It nods. It points. You can clearly see the circular walled area. That we nearly walked into earlier. Oh, gosh. He points to that. I guess. So it's.

All right. So more of them northeast. Have you seen yellow banner, yellow flags? He nods and points south, back the way you came. Right, we've seen that before. Thank you. And then also points towards the circular walled area. Right. Yeah, they're in there.

Okay. Thank you. I give it my tinderbox. It looks very excited. It takes the tinderbox. It laboriously unflips and opens the tinderbox and takes out a match. It's at about this point that the party notices the pop is crouched

by the wagon. What the devil is he doing? Pop. Pop, what are you doing? I'm getting help. What? There's one of those little chawingers. He's under the wagon.

I am running over. You approach as the chawinger brandishes the match over its head in triumph. I gave it a crown. It gave me this brooch. And it knows where the other puzzle cubes are. And now a word from our sponsors. Hey, D&D is for nerds is great. But if you wish we had a little more time to go on our weird tangents between roles, then good news.

Our podcast, Shut Up a Second, is literally all weird tangents. Go to sanspantsradio.com, search Shut Up a Second, and let us lead you from the world of linear thought into a deep pit of chaos. We'll see you there. When the Chewinga lights the match, the bees all around become startled and they fly away, but then slowly begin drifting back. Did you just give the Chewingers fire? I gave it a gift. It helped us find the puzzle cubes.

No, no, that's- I was doing a good thing. I know. I just, thank you. When you approach, the Chewinger points at your head, Tiffany. I'm sorry. It doesn't respond. It points at your head again.'m so sorry i was born like this do you wear anything on your head flask of wine says get closer duck in i'm i sort of i do that

i don't know if you guys know this but like when someone asks to see your face and you just are really embarrassed about how you look so you sort of wince when you lean into someone. You're like, oh. The Chewinger gently brushes your hair. Thank you. What do you do? Does it want my hair? You think so.

I take some hair out. You cut off a lock of hair and give it to the Chewinger? Yeah, that's a better idea. What were you I was gonna pluck out like three strands but i suppose either or is fine if you give the chewing any hair it holds it clutches the hair tight as if it were as if you'd given it a baby okay such a beautiful interaction it walks back to where it came from and puts their hair among many treasures that have just been offered over the years and walks back to you. Thank you.

This is the first time someone's ever been happy about something to do with my appearance. This is a big moment for Tiffany. Tiffany, oh my God. So you could say I've been helpful. You'll kill me. I'll die. You can't do shit like that. You say that and I quickly

snap my head to look at you and I have welled up. Oh, um, I'm sorry. That's fine. Why are you sad? I'm not head to look at you and I have welled up. Oh, I'm sorry. That's fine. Why are you sad? I'm not. I look at Dragonbait. Dragonbait nods somberly.

Did I do, like, I'm so broken. Dragonbait nods approvingly. Do the Chewingers want more hair? I cut them off for proper lock. The Chewinger cherishes any hair that you offer Yeah, give it like a good chunk I'm not using it Alright, before you start

hacking away at your hair Ida Simba puts a hand on your shoulder Could you possibly lead us to the shrines? The Chewinger nods You can have as much hair as you want, okay? I just have this image of it now nestled in your hair, on your head,

wrapped around your horns. Oh my god, Adam! Does it want to go up? The chewinger will let you, will climb up onto you if you offer. I tilt my head and say, you can sit in my hair if you'd like.

The bees follow it. Yeah, the bees follow it, and so does the scent of honey. Tiffany, if it is on your head, it starts smoothing out your hair. You already know that chewing has become fascinated with some feature of civilization. You think this chewing is fascinated with the idea of combed or treated or like braided hair and you do have locks of braided hair the chewing is fascinated with what you've done with your hair and if you don't stop it it keeps picking at it until your head is a mess oh i let it that's allowed i can do it later the chewing or wherever it moves you smell honey and

the bees follow it they're harmless but they kind of give it away are they fluffy the other bumblebees yes the chewing leads you until you arrive at another shrine it's quite nearby it's kind of basically across the street carvings of monkeys hanging by their tails decorate two cracked obelisks that stand before a shrine enclosed by broken walls. Past the obelisks is a courtyard filled with horse tails and arum lilies. Five archways open into a darkness at the base of the ruin. Mounted above the central arch is a stone plaque bearing a cuneiform inscription. This place is a mess.

stone plaque bearing a cuniform inscription this place is a mess you see several dead mercenaries and broken traps all over the place fuck there was some very interesting uh puzzle involving masks but that it has been broken they have demolished this place i don't even have respect for the fucking craft. The puzzle cube is gone. Okay, well... Is the chewing still with us? Yeah, the chewing is still with you. Tell it to take us to the next one. The chewing, you notice, very specifically,

the chewing will not go into the shrine. It can lead you to, but it will not go in. Thank you for leading us here. Is there somewhere else you can take us? Another shrine? The chewing nods. Okay, I put him back in my hair. As the chewing leads you to the next place you pass a derelict market hall stands on the street corner ahead frayed cloth awnings hang in tatters above a broad alley

lined with stalls could be full of treasures i look at you eyeing them and say, on the way back. I mean, just saying, last time I investigated something. The Chewinger holds you up here, gestures to the market bazaar, and then grabs at either side of his face and drags at his mask. His mask moves as if it was made out of Play-Doh, and he rearranges the mask to make it look like the face of a cobbled. Oh.

Pop. He snaps his finger and it returns to a B shape. I guess there are cobbleds in there? He nods. Thank you. Good cobbleds. He shrugs. He points it.

He is adorned with many different flowers and such that you can tell he got from people offering to his wagon. He gestures at them and points at the bazaar. Cobolds gave you the flowers. He nods. What are they looking for, the cobalts? He shrugs. A lot of cobalts?

He shrugs. More than us. He nods. Right. Well, maybe the cobalts won't think that we're friends, even if we were to be friends with them. Maybe it would be best to go to where more puzzle cubes are. Only kobold Ivan was a piece of shit.

I give you a look like do not say that in front of the Jewinger. I don't know how extensive the kobolds here are, but I don't know if I want to have an enemy at my back, December says. I don't know if this is kobolds here are, but I don't know if I want to have an enemy at my back, Ardisimber says. I don't know if this is something we need to deal with, but I think it is something that we need to be aware of. This fucking guy. Well, we're aware of it.

I don't think anything needs to happen right now. We just need to get to the puzzle cubes. Those are our main priority. All right. Look. Fair enough. Hey, Chewinger. You ever seen the kobolds with one of these?

He shakes his head, right. Good to know. Imagine living in a ruin and never once going after the cubes. Just easy to imagine. How? You just leave it there? Pop, we're so much more powerful than they are. We can withstand a lot more hits, I guess.

But imagine not even looking for them. They seem happy. It blows my mind. I don't know how. I didn't want to look for them. No, but now you have and everything's better because of it. I glance really quickly over to the many holes in flask of wine. I patch them up.

I stare into the middle distance and walk away in the direction that the Chewinger is leading us to the next puzzle cube because that's all that matters right now. I look at Dragonbait. Dragonbait gives you a disapproving shake. I don't understand. I don't get it. Like, that was a good thing i patched him up dragon bait you smell a bunch of smells

you get the impression that dragon bait is trying to tell you that just because no one died doesn't mean it was a victory. I mean, I've fought in wars, and generally, no one dies a win. Are you coming? Yes. The sun starts to get really, it's basically nearly nighttime. Do you want to rest right before the shrine? You can see which building the Chewinga is pointing at. Would you like to rest or head there tonight? How far away is it? It's quite close. rest right before the shrine you can see which building the chewinger is pointing at would you

like to rest or head there tonight how far away is it it's quite close you'd get there in a couple of hours but it would be properly night when you were doing it it might be worth it to do it though your coal horns i don't think we have the time to waste we can sleep after after oh uh in that in that couple of hours it takes to get there you you hit the water proper and you're waiting. It's hard going. You're an hour from the shrine and Ardissimber is the first person to spot it. Ardissimber turns back to the other end of the city at the high platform and the stairs that slowly descend down into Oumu.

And you hear up the front, Tiffany, maybe artist Simba was idly humming a song to him. Maybe that annoyed you as well, but I don't know if you'd find that annoying right now. I like that artist is annoying both of us now. Would you have found that annoying? I would have found it annoying if he seemed happy. Also, no, it's getting dark.

Shut up. Yeah, no, that's annoying. Okay. Would you say anything about that? No. All right. Artis Simbra stops his humming and you hear him say, that does not look good.

You turn back and at the beginning of those stairs coming down, you see torches, lights, many, many lights. I reckon that bullfuck wasn't kidding, eh? That's probably Shadow Mantle. It appears Shadow Mantle and her host have arrived. Do you reckon we have time to solve this before they get here? How far away do they look? They're on the other side of Oumu.

It takes them the better part of a day to get there. They don't know where the fucking shrines are either. They're just like us, going blind. We've got their expert, haven't we? Orvex. Orvex nods slowly. You are the expert. I understand Olmen, old Olmen.

Yeah, that makes you more of an expert. Take the compliment, Orvex. Sorry. Don't apologize. Yes. Oh, my fucking God. I don't know what I'm fucking doing here. Well, let's be quick.

As Simba says, I think Tiffany is right. We'd best be quick. Head first into the shrine. Flask of wine is the last to keep moving. And he says, I knew it. Not enough trees. Bad luck. Bad omen.

Not good. Not good. Oh, man. I'm so glad. I mean, I'm sad that it nearly cost him his life, but I'm glad he still has his bowl of soft. You reach another shrine. Crocodiles wallow in this muddy lake bed from which rises a walled ruin.

Two columns flank the entrance carved with images of a long-legged bird with a needle-like beak. At the building's front, slimy steps ascend to an entry arch. Can we avoid the crocodiles or will they attack us? I would say they're not doing anything right now, but Pop, you know enough about animals. You're a ranger. You know a bit about them. You know enough to know that if you approach,

they will probably become hostile. If for no other reason than... We're there. Yeah, you might be threatening. Might be worth avoiding those crocs. Yeah. There's gaps all in the walls. You could try stealthing your way in.

Wouldn't be impossible. No, we could try circumnavigating and coming from another entry in those cracked walls, yeah? Yeah. I reckon we go with Pop's idea and we circumnavigate. We really need to avoid those crocodiles. So who's leading that circumnavigation? You're at the front.

It's me and Pop. All right, Tiffany. that circumnavigation you're at the front it's me and pop all right tiffany you spot just in the nick of time at the back of the shrine is a crocodile nest and in the nest is a is the mama crocodile she is huge giant some might say we immediately start going backwards as quietly as the other fully grown adult crocodiles are clearly her babies i try and sort of tap and then point to show everyone the group is aware we go vaughn is hard to hide so you're pretty sure the crocodiles are aware of your presence we just try to go in so we're not near the momiles are aware of your presence we could just try to go in so we're not near the mum you could leave vaughn here and try to stealth your way in could we go

around the like the side you could try yeah that's what you're currently trying to do vaughn you ain't here if she tries to kill us if you're even circling around, you're still going to need to make stealth checks. Who is going? Who is not going? Maybe. Who's good at stealth? You, me, and Flask. We'll get Artus, Orvex, and... Oh, no, we need Orvex.

You do. But he's not going to be great at stealthing. You don't know. Don't think. Can we hoist him above our head? Yeah. Can I carry him? Yeah, that's not really how stealth works

though unfortunately there's no easy way to get orvex past the crocodiles otherwise you would do that um let's just try and stealth it so you two flask of wine who else orvex orvex that's it dragonbite and artis are waiting with um ok. Okie dokie. Pop, you first. Okay. Well, it didn't really matter what Orvex did because you were definitely spotted. I'm good at stealth. Yeah, but you rolled a four, buddy. A plus five doesn't mean nothing if you've rolled a four.

Yeah, I mean, I guess you're right. The crocodiles hiss and snap at you as you approach. Easy. You're right. You can make an animal at you as you approach. Easy. You're right. You can make an animal handling check if you want. Oh, my God. Yeah, Adam. If you fail this, they're going to attack.

Yeah, that's cool. Let's go. The crocodiles don't attack. You can't keep them calm. Can I? Adam, you know what I do. Yeah. What's his name?

Crocodile Dundee. I do the fucking thing. Well, he uses that on a pig. Yeah, I know. I use it on a croc. All right. It works. We're basically the same animal, but you're a bit sharper. Slowly. While you're keeping them calm, Tiffany, you move past.

Flask of wine moves past. And Orvex moves past. You get to the steps. Pop, you're at the end. You're slowly trying to keep the crocodiles calm and back up to where your friends are. Written above the entrance to the shrine are words in Old Ulmen, which Orvex quickly mutters as you pass. Papazotl teaches us to bow before no one. Bow before no one.

Don't duck. Moss clings to the stonework throughout this hall. The mosaic floor depicts a tall bird using its long pointy beak to pin a monstrous frog-like creature with tentacles sprouting from its shoulders. Set into the far wall is the set of heavy stone doors. You can tell that the mosaic shows the trickster god Papazotl, the Eblis, fighting his enemy Kubazan, the froghemoth. The inscriptions in Old Ulmen around the mosaic describe that part of the story. Yep. Is there anything here?

Do those doors look like they can open? They don't look, there does not look to be a lock on them, but they're big and heavy. Bow to no one. What if we, what if we bow? Give it a go. I bow to the doors. Nothing happens?

Okay, then I feel like a fucking idiot. What about if we all bow? We all bow to the doors. Nothing happens. Does Pop at least feel a bit better now if we all bow? We all bow to the doors. Nothing happens. Does Pop at least feel a bit better now that we all did it? No. Let's try opening the door then. All right.

Who's opening the doors? I will try pushing one of the doors open. You try pushing? Unless it's a pool. Don't look like an idiot in front of them gods. The second you try pushing, you can tell immediately that the doors are very heavy. It's going to take more than just you.

I'm going to need some help. All right. All of us, let's push a door. Altogether, you manage to shift the doors open to the room beyond. An empty pedestal stands in the middle of this chamber. Six statues face it from alcoves on the walls. They depict bare-chested humans with the heads of

different animals. Left to right, the heads resemble those of a lizard, a jaguar, a lobster, a toucan, a bat, and a frog. Bow to no one. Why go and inspect the lobster statue? It's a statue of a man go and inspect the lobster statue.

It's a statue of a man's body with a lobster head. You deduce nothing interesting about this statue. So the cube's just there. No, there's no cube. There's the plinth that the cube would typically rest on. You've seen this before. Sometimes the cube comes out of the plinth. But it doesn't look like anyone's been here.

No, this one's cool. This one is definitely... You would know if the red wizards were here. Because they are shit at traps. They are brute force wankers. Okay, so let's have a look at the statues. Does it look like any of them have moving parts? You inspect the statues, but you see no obvious moving parts to any of them. Bow. It says to bow

to no one. Make them bow. Can we start pulling things? Can we try to make the statues bow to us? No, you try to shift them, but that doesn't happen. Oh, sorry, I should also say, Tiffany, if you

inspect the plinth in any way, you can see that there's words written on it. Not in Old Ulmen, they're written in common. What do they say? Here you go. It's a riddle. A simple riddle couldn't be too much for our heroes, can it? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chult.

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