D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #23 The Snake Cult

Episode Date: July 18, 2020

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Sans Pants Radio. Uh, I have the subtitle stuck on Draconic again. Do you wish that you could use the same dumb wild magic table that we use when we're running a game? Do you feel that the wild magic table that you use lacks imagination and features too few instances where a player character can turn into heaps of spiders? Well, do we have the solution for you? Right now on sanspantsradio.com, you can grab your very own D&D's for Nerds created dumb wild magic table that has hundreds of wild magic consequences

and original art by our very talented artist, Nathan Davis. But that's not all. We also sell instant adventures of some of the campaigns we run. Currently, we have the Auticus Adventure and The Day the Circus Came to Town available for purchase, and we'll continue to add more in the upcoming months. Just head to our website, sanspantsradio.com, and go to the digital download section. Once again, that's sanspantsradio.com. Welcome to Season 2, Episode 23 of Zombie Plagued Chult.

Previously, with a click and a whirring sound, a puzzle cube emerges from the plinth. I take it. You have found yourselves in a hostile territory. You think yourselves quiet, snake-like. We need to come to them regardless now, and they know that. They have the last puzzle cube, which we think we need. Monoliths adorned with prancing frog-like figures rise from the swamp. Steps ascend to a stone door caked in slime.

Anything in there, Simple? Uh, yes, there's, gosh, a lot of money. A pedestal carved and painted to resemble a squat humanoid frog holds nothing and slowly but surely they decay and destroy and become nothing and what else i have use of that that's the only thing you wanted for yes if you help me there i will help you there you do not have to trust that I have your best interests in heart. You have only need trust that I have my own interests in heart. Sitting with Valindra Shadowmantle, the leader of the Red Wizards here in Chult,

you have cut a deal to work together. So, what we know about Oumu is this. In the royal keep, the castle here within Oumu, we have an infiltrator. A member of Rasnazi's concubines. Now it's funny. It doesn't matter how fucking powerful you are. You put your dick in something you shouldn't and it all comes unstuck. Thanks to a very industrious lieutenant, if you wish, of mine,

have infiltrated a doppelganger into Vrasner's lair, into his harem, if you will. his lair, into his harem, if you will. Ugh. The doppelganger has assumed, killed, and assumed the form of one of the harem's slaves, a male by the name of Ishmakol. Right. Huh.

He deliberately made himself look like a snake. Well, no, he looks like a male, a regular Cholten male, but with snake eyes. So there are two ways I see you entering the lair of Vaznazi. The first one is if you choose to try to be taken as prisoners, you will not be killed immediately. I suppose it's the easiest. The auntie wished to take slaves such that they might use them as labor and such you might be able to as slaves travel enough around the complex to learn

where rasnazi keeps the puzzle cube or anything else maybe you could even take him by surprise lead a slave uproar i'm not sure. Whatever you do, that is one option. Another option is I could magically transform some of you temporarily such that you look like Yonti and you could pretend to enter like that. That surely would be the best one, right? I could also transform myself. I could make you appear as a yonti properly, without illusion, to actually alter your body temporarily. You look like a snake. It is an option. I think that's the safest bet.

You have just said that you could do it yourself, so if you wish, you could do it yourself. No, I'm not. What do you mean? I can't. I can. I have the ability to do so. Into a yonti. I mean, I have... You've do you mean? I can't. I can. I have the ability to do so. Into a yonti. I mean, you've seen me disguise myself as things.

Not into a yonti. No, I haven't done that because I don't want to. The yonti take many forms. You could make, not all the yonti have snake-like ending appendages. Some of them simply have snake-like features. A snake's head, a snake's upper torso, something like that. You could simply give yourself one of those, or I could. Yep, sure.

Love it. I would suggest that you infiltrate the facility either as snakes or as slaves. I think entering as snakes would be best. I mean, if we're slaves, we're already on the off-foot. They're popace, right? They've got a lot of snakes there. There are quite a few. If the alarm is sounded and you are inside,

you will face a terrible battle that we will not be able to assist. Why not? The front gate is barred hard against us. We would not be able to enter, not quickly at least. There's a back door. Is there just? Yes. I explain where the back door is.

Hmm. This changes things. Nonetheless, they would see us coming. Sure, but they know you're here. They would raise the alarm, yes. If we, if my host approaches, they will see us coming. All right. You stand a chance of infiltrating.

Let me put it to you like this. Say we're already inside. Now, if I'm an evil snake man and I know there's an army coming and the army start coming, I would probably be paying attention to the army, wouldn't I? Yes. I'm more likely to leave a cube unguarded or less guarded. This is true, yes.

I really don't think they would. That cube is so important. Sure, but so is not dying. I'm not saying it would be completely by itself, but I think the chances of us being able to find the cube increase greatly if a fuckload of Rasmus East people are distracted by a fuckload of this woman's people. No, I think that's a really good idea.

That's a really good idea, Pop. I didn't tell Vaughn too much with them, so I think that's a really good idea. That's a really good idea, Pop. Yeah. I didn't tell Vaughn too much with them, so I think we're with that a lot. That's excellent. Big conspicuous. Isn't that a great idea? Like, nodding and smiling. I just want Pop to feel better about himself.

I know the snake thing embarrassed him. We could attempt to distract them like this, yes. I think that's a great idea, Pop. We just simply transform ourselves into snake people, and then the alarms are raised. We don't have to turn ourselves into snake people, though. If you're coming at the front entrance and we sneak in the back. I think it would be safer

to sneak in as snake people. I really do think it would be safer. Artis, what do you think? I think, to be honest, I don't know if using the Red Wizards as a distraction would be necessarily clever. If they march on the Royal Palace, then a general alert is going to be sounded. And while not all of their attention will be focused on us, they will be alert towards infiltrations of other sorts as well, I'm sure. if we try to infiltrate without the red wizards help then we might even catch some of them sleeping well how about we do both we sneak in first so that we get in and then get their guard up because if they're at the perimeters

looking for people sneaking in they won't suspect us already in there potentially yes it does still i'm just worried about raising the alarm at any point while we're trying to infiltrate we're already in yes that yes but i understand that but we're in and they're not expecting an attack they'll be just doing their regular things us yes look at this hand uh-huh i slap him with the other hand all right yes i don't know if that's the same thing look if you want to do it this way then it's your call i just think using all of our resources as best we can is smarter than only using half of them well are we able to maybe leave Vaughn outside, leave Vaughn with the red wizards, and then if anything goes wrong, tell him to give a thumbs up or something?

That's what I was thinking, is using Vaughn with you guys, we could go in, start infiltrating, and if we feel the need to cause a distraction, we'll start one. This seems like an acceptable plan to me artisan bernards all right then well let's begin then all right fucking snakes okay velindra shadow mantle waves a hand over your face and as she does so she just gently maybe with both hands as well gently runs her hands down the sides of your body she whispers magical incantations as she does so and tiffany you feel your skin shifting and morphing it's fine it fine. It's an unpleasant feeling. Pop, you see Tiffany, her features twist and change. Her skin turns green.

This is like that fucking dream I had. And slowly her head becomes more and more snake-like until it is a snake's head on a human body. Oh, fucking hell. Who will be next? I touch my face. Are my scars gone? Yes. Nice.

Your scars are gone. Instead, you have a scaly skin from your neck up. Your horns might be gone too. Your horns are also gone. Nice. I mean, you have a big fucking snake head, but. Oh, my God. I'm about to go somewhere where I'll fit in.

No one's. Oh, my God. Oh, that's so bleak. That's so, so bleak. I look normal, like a different type of normal, but I look normal. Are you just saying that to yourself and patting your face? I'm touching all around my head and face. I'm sure it doesn't look weird because, you know, it's a new face,

but that's the reason I'm doing it. No more scars, just regular. I keep running my hands along from, like, my snake snout to the back of my snake head and then all the way back around and there's nothing missing. And, Pop, do you accept it when it happens to you it's my turn i guess so i go up to shadow mantle and just as she what does the same thing again puts her hands on the side of my face i grab her hands and i hold she can speak that i reiterate if you she whips her hands out of your

hands and says do not interrupt the spell okay i interrupt the spell though i hear what you're saying but uh no dave just i don't hold my hands there for very long it's very quick and basically i reiterate my warning about not being able to help tiffany's dad if that's a lie she's dead but i also say an elvish i know what you're up to and then i just let her do it she does not seem to mind that you know okay she doesn't think you're gonna to tattle. Idiot, right? Am I right, Tom? Am I right? Tom. The same thing happens to you.

You feel your, well, actually it's slightly different for you. You feel your shell compact, compact, compact, compact. Fuck, this is unpleasant. And then slowly enter you through your back. It's not. That's not where it's supposed to go it's not painful but it's not unpleasant it's not pleasant either it's wrong it does just feel wrong feels wrong it feels like worms are crawling underneath your skin you're doing great you're doing great. It's working. Slowly you feel your body shifting and changing. You don't grow scales. Instead, you lose scales.

You lose them around your lower body. I don't know. My eyes are closed. As your scales slowly become skin instead. Am I Snake Man now? Eventually it finishes. Right. As soon as it finishes, I vomit.

Does Pop now have two eyes and do they both work? Yes. Ow. I lose an eye immediately. With like a solid pop. One of your eyes falls out. Your fake eye falls out. I put it with the others.

How do I look? Well, with two eyes now. I probably shouldn't say that get a good voice pop respects it i don't laugh i deliver it dry like a tiny toast take that toast and i'll munch it up crunchy crunchy crunchy then you have collected the last of the puzzle cubes velindra gestures before herself and appearing out of thin air quite clearly they were in front of you all the time the entire time but they had been enchanted to appear invisible four puzzle cubes appear that's one of the ones we had that we stole off you We have been going back and forth like this For what feels like forever

Did you say four puzzle cubes? Three Sorry if I said four I meant three You've only got three Yes No respect for the craft But you've only got five No

Yes We know the auntie have taken one Yes And we know you have the other five We might not have got them all yet From your response I already know that you have them all Oh she doesn't even roll She's too clever

Yeah Still I worked out she was lying a little bit You did Are we walking in now? Yeah, you can head towards the temple Sorry, I keep calling it the temple So wait, did she give us those puzzle cubes? Nope

She will meet you She's bragging I will meet you at the entrance to the temple of the nine gods Do you know where that is? Yeah, we do We do Do we? Yeah, you do, it's on your map

Oh, right Flask of wine gave it to you this? Yeah, we do. We do. Do we? Yeah, you do. It's on your map. Flask of wine. I'm just thinking like how do we tell Flask? Because they're watching us and we're going to turn up as your auntie and he's not going to know. Are all of us your auntie? Yeah, she transforms unless anyone says anything. Otherwise, she transforms all four of you.

No, hang on. I just had a moment of when Flask was like, yeah, I know where the things are. anything otherwise she transforms all four of you no i i no hang on oh what i just realized i just had a moment of when when plus was like yeah i know where the things are i had a moment of oh my god if we don't get them off of him we're going to suffer a lot um all right i guess we we stop off at flask on the way he'll he'll attack i'll disguise myself to look like me again i use disguise self to look like Pop and explain what's happened and then remove disguise self. Can I do that?

Can I use disguise self to make my disguise self look like me? Yeah, you could. Would it undo what she's done? It won't undo it, no. That's just very funny to use a disguise self on top of an alter self. I mean, if we stop off at Flask, isn't that sort of getting rid of our insurance? We need to tell him what's going on, though.

If we need all those cubes, we need a way to get a message back to him. Shouldn't he just come with us, then? It seems strange. Should half do it? Actually, you're right. We should tell him to hide. That he is hiding. Yeah, I know.

And then we'll figure out something else later. We just can't go back. We either get him to come with us or we leave him. If we tell him half the plan, then we've just got one man on the outside while everyone knows where he is. So do we go past, tell him everything that's going on, but tell him to wait in the trap door should we be betrayed? Isn't Val coming with us?

No, she's not. Oh. Yeah, they're waiting with Vaughn and then they'll catch up to us. Yes, of course. Valendra says, if you meet a spy, Ishmako in the harem, tell him that the Ved Rizads have sent you and he will give you all the information he has. Great.

All right. I'm going to get Vaughn to wait with you. If we get in trouble, he'll activate and head towards us and you need to keep up. This will not be a problem. He's not yours. A tremendous tearing sound occurs to your right. You look over and you see a building get just demolished. Strolling past the ruins of the building is a giant shield guardian. Every bit as large and metallic and wooden and otherwise as Vaughn, except instead of polished silver, this shield guardian is a polished brassy color.

Is this the gold man walking through the city? It's brass. It's pretty close to a gold man walking through the city. Pretty close to a gold man walking through the city? It's brass. It's pretty close to a gold man walking through the city. Pretty close to a gold man walking through the city. If I wanted a shield guardian, well, I do not want for a shield guardian. All right. Just in case, not you, but any of these other greedy little fucks gets any idea. If any of them get out of line, I will do what I always do.

I respect that. get out of line i will do what i always do i respect that she snaps her fingers at one of the guards who turns around kill yourself the guard takes out a dagger and tries to plunge it into his own neck right at the last second the lindra says wait no stop the dagger is inches not even the dagger is basically pressing into the guard's throat when he takes it away a single trickle of blood oozes down his neck just so you know i'm not doing that i would not expect you to you have not been nearly enough conditioned You have not been nearly enough conditioned. Oh, God, that's not even magic. With that, you set off.

There is a part of Pop that hears that and it makes him quietly angry. So as we're walking along. Yes. We should get a cube off Flask. Should we get Flask to join us? He can't. No. No, we look wrong.

I've got an idea. I'll use disguise self. We need to get the cube off him so we have all the cubes when we eventually meet up with Shadow Mantle to get through the temple. There's no point having an insurance policy anymore. It's irrelevant. Look, I trust you on this. You do. Why?

Why shouldn't I? What? What? It just seems. Look, you made me swear to you that if I knew anything that would help us in the jungle, I was to tell you. And while we are technically not in the jungle, I feel like it still counts. Yes. She's not working for the Red Wizards.

Oh. She works with, alongside, adjacent. They're around, but she's doing something else for herself on a level beyond them. So weirdly, look, I have a philosophy that you can actually trust someone who is self-interested because you know exactly what they're going to do. She's all self-interest. We can trust her for now.

I know. You did say that when we were talking to her. I was explaining to you, though. What's she trying to do? I have no fucking idea, but it's not help the red wizards. Actually, she couldn't give a shit if they lived or died.

Well, the enemy of my enemy is also my enemy until... That's it. The enemy of my enemy is also my enemy, but may be useful. That's the one. Do you stop by a flask of wine? Yes. I just got myself.

You wait here. Oh, yeah. We all hang outside. Yep. Flask. It's pop. You go into the building disguised as yourself. The trap door is torn open.

Fuck. What do you do? Son of a fuck. I inspect it. I look around. Can I? Flask, if you're in there. You peer over the hole into the basement and you can see two corpses.

At first you're a little afraid, but then you see that both of them are yawn-ty. Flask? Flask? Is there any sign of flask? You search. You find a third corpse stuffed into a cupboard. But there's no flask of wine here. What about the cube?

The cube isn't here either. I can't back out. Right. What happened? Bad news. I think he's alive. No. Goodness.

He's alive. You can't lead with that. He's alive. Bad good news, he's alive. But he's not here. Bad news, the yawn tea absolutely have him. Oh. We have to get two cubes back.

Oh. I used the Sky Self to get two cubes back. Oh. I use the Sky Self to turn myself back into a snake. How do you know they have him? There are two dead yawn tea in there and no sign of Flask. No sign of the cube either. Your friend put up a good fight. Everyone jumps and turns around. A tabaxi is standing behind you.

He has graying black fur and cataracts cloud his left eye. Hang on. Where are your tea? Yep. Yeah. He realizes that we're with flask. Well, you don't know exactly. You turn around.

He's standing there. Hooded lantern. Yes. Do you kill the king of feathers? No. You're still alive. I will kill him someday. What?

Every day I get a little closer. How many days have you been? I lost count. Around 1,243. Around? Dinosaur's right there, man. You cannot just attack the dinosaur like that. Well, where is our friend?

He was taken by the y like that. Well, where is our friend? He was taken by the Yonti. I thought you were further Yonti come to I don't even know what. But then I heard you. I could tell that he was your friend. Did he leave anything behind? Nothing but

scratch marks and dead bodies. That's flask. If it is any consolation, he went with a fight. Well, I suppose we're going there anyway. We'll get him back. Another tabaxi slowly prowls out of the buildings around you. She has speckled ginger fur, and you see that she wears a torn blue cloth over her bony shoulders.

Copper bell. Copper bell? Yes. How would you two like to earn some gold? They look at each other and look back at you. We could be persuaded for something else. I look at Pop like, what? They live in the, why would they?

Pop, but with my eyes. We know. We know they live. Gold. Do you have cream? Oh, we could have had a nice snack. We could have had a lovely, a lovely, a lovely amount of any liquid we chose. Are you saying this?

No. Instead, I will say not anymore. Did my cream. Made honey. Do you have anything interesting? Oh. Hooded Leonard says, I will help you if you have anything that might help me fight a giant dinosaur. Would poison help?

Maybe. Show me. We've both got vials of poison. I've got sunflower poison. Show me. Show me. I showed the sunflower poison. I could.

What helper do you want? Well, horns. They can't come in with us. Well, I don't know about you, but a bunch of random yawn tea wandering Oumu come back just randomly without really any intent. Just look like a bunch of yawn tea have wandered around aimlessly and will raise suspicion. But a group of yawn tea that come back with two tabaxi prisoners that have

been skulking about the place, well, that's not as suspicious, is it? You're right. That was an infernal. Cool. So I'm thinking maybe we, you know, pretend these cats bada bing bada boomed our prisoners out. What do you reckon, huh?

Our prisoner cats! Yeah, you know, we'll get them out maybe. It'll seem like we went and did the same thing the others did. Yeah, we look like we've been doing actual jobs. We should take the clothes that the dead ones are wearing so it doesn't look like we died. Hey, no, that's risky because the other ones could be like, hey, we lost two people.

Holy shit, there they are. They're alive. It's Lazarus. My God. That's a good line. They're as alive as Lazarus. You have already been, clothes have already been worked out for you. You're dressed semi-appropriately.

You don't look very suspicious. Well, that's good. Might be suspicious because they don't know you, but other than that, you look fine. So I'm thinking, you know, we trade with these guys and we say, hey, we give you the thing. You pretend to be our prisoners. Yada, yada. Bada bing, yada yada. Anything fun you find in the temple is yours except for the cubes.

That's real big of you. It's fucking killing me. Wow, that was great. I loved listening to that. We would love your help. Thank you. Is the sunflower poison okay? Hooded Lantern will accept the sunflower poison, but Coppered Lantern will accept the sunflower poison,

but Copper Bell shakes her head. I want something else. Gemstones? I take out the red velvet cushion and say, what about a plate of soft? Oh, my God. A plate of soft. Holy shit.

What a good line. You know what? I'm not even worrying about rolls. Get a good boy card. And she says yes. She'll accept the plate of soft. I knew I'd give that cushion for a reason. Hooded Latin will accept the poisons.

Both of them, though, are not idiots. They will take anything they can loot as well. Oh, of course. There's two things you can't take all right you explain about the puzzle kids look you both seem lovely you're also both tabaxi which means i'm sure you're familiar with various types of trickery it's just part of your nature who did latin shakes his head i am too old for trickery. I know, but at one point, you were very young, and I'm sure you fucking loved it. So I know, just through experience,

that taking fake prisoners that look okay also raises suspicion. I'm deeply sorry. I'm going to have to punch you both in the face. Pop, Pop, they're covered in fur. Yes, I know. You can't see a bruise through. I'm sorry. Pop, they're fine. What do you, I know. You can't see a bruise through. I'm sorry. Pop, they're fine.

What do you reckon? Who did lantern shrugs? I've had worse. If you're adept at trickery, as Pop, I think, might have said it slightly out of what was considered polite, then perhaps you'd be good at feigning a limp or shutting one eye to make it look like you were blind, for example. Do both.

I punch him. Do you just hit him once? Yeah, just across the nose. What I'm trying to do is I'm trying to get like a bloody lip or something. When you get to Copper Bell, you see that she's bitten her lip and she's bleeding from the mouth. Perfect. Well done.

She spittles it all over you. Have you ever seen a n you and with a wiry Have you ever seen a nana give you a wiry smile? She gives you a nana wiry smile and says, for realism. Wow, Poppet, seems you were right. Sure.

Alright, you head off? Yeah. Lifting aside the palm fronds, you uncover a narrow, rough-hewn passage descending into the earth snake in the hole i guess snake in the hole if you descend down tiffany you feel a weight shifting in your backpack and the chewinger jumps out um okay well as we start descending down i climb back out and put him down on the ground. I want to say goodbye. The Chewinga. I give him the hair in the backpack.

Like that's his. You don't need to give him the backpack. He's made a smaller backpack out of materials he found in yours. He's got the hair, right? He's got the hair. He puts it in his backpack and he hikes it up. Oh, my God. He wants to be like me.

Oh, no. He reaches out towards your face, Tiffany. Oh, have down. Hello. Here's my face. Do you want it? He, like, pulls back your mouth and then taps your teeth. Grr.

He nods as if that is satisfactory. I'm running my teeth loose. Does he want one? No, you have not your teeth. Then he gestures for Artisembra. When Artisembra comes over and kneels down, he gives Artisembra a little clasp. Artisembra grabs it, and at first you see indecision on his face.

Then he looks down at it and you see recognition. He quickly pockets it without saying anything. Then the Chewinger gestures for Dragonbait to come over. Dragonbait also kneels down in front of the Chewinger. The Chewinger leans forward as if to whisper something into Dragonbait's ear, but Chewingers cannot speak or you don't think they can speak. Dragonbait listens intensely pop you're the only one who hears it you hear a breeze a breeze like that of a summer's day a beautiful summer's day why do you get all the chewing your experiences because

i'm a fuckhead when passing through a meadow, you feel like if you closed your eyes, you could imagine yourself there. I close my eyes. You imagine yourself lying in a meadow with the noonday sun gently draped across you. Then Dragonbait pulls back and the Chewinger points at you, Pop. Me. It nods. I come over and the Chewinga points at you, Pop. Me. It nods.

I come over to the Chewinga. The Chewinga hands you a feather and a thorn bush. I take the feather and I take the thorn bush. The Chewinga turns around and walks away. I call it back. It stops. I give it back the thorn bush. The Chewinga turns around and walks away. I call it back. It stops. I give it back the thorn bush. It shakes its head.

And then with both of its hands, it pushes your giant comparatively hand back around the thorn bush gently so that it doesn't hurt you, and then pushes both of them so that they're, like, tucked up against your chest. I look at Dragonbait bait dragon bait nods i i put them away the truing leaves and now a word from our sponsors also hey dnd is fun but if you're wishing that you could hear a cartoon review show about the

worst cartoons in history then do I have news for you. Cynical Cartoons is a show by Mia with a rich list of guests from all across Sandspats and beyond where they, as my dad calls it, waste time when they could be digging another more useful trench. So, if you like the sound of that, or if you want to know why my dad has an actual moat around his place of business, then head on down to sanspansradio.com and search for cynical cartoons. I loved him. The tabaxi are just like, what the fuck? No, the tabaxi are like, we get it.

They probably run into that chewing before, right? You're not sure. You can ask them if you wanted to. You're kind of in a very serious position. Old mate's been there for a thousand days, in which he's not fought the dinosaur. He came there to fight. I have fought it several times. What?

It's just never won. I have never gotten it to a position where I thought it could kill me. I could kill it. Hang on, hang on. I thought you were prepared to die. Yeah, wasn't it an either-or situation? I would rather it die,

but if I die in the attempt that is fine but you keep going back are you leave i want to win but if i must i will die instead of leave so if you if you were ever feeling like sick would you go to the dinosaur if i thought that my day was coming i would rather die by the dinosaur's hand. So if someone coughed your leg, it was bleeding out, would you go and let the dinosaur kill you? It is like to try and prove who is the best predator.

Dinosaur. It's not gotten me yet, has it? But if you bring yourself to it, then it's not the best predator. No, it hunts me too. It hunts you? Yeah. Oh my goodness, is it following us no it's bad at it but he's big you understand my artisimber shushes you we'll go into the tunnel you were in the tunnel just like we started that as cass and Tom and then we're like, no, this would be in character.

The passage winds into the bowels of the earth. The air is wet and sticky and the walls are slick with moisture. Harmless centipedes crawl across the floor as you descend. Centipedes are little ones that curl into a spiral and are tiny. They're millipedes. The passage winds for a hundred feet until finally an underground river opens before you. Stalactites hang low over its surface and dripping water echoes in the

dark. Out of the darkness, you see several rowboats moored at this underground lake. And also you see four yaunty brood guards. Who is your... Who is prisoners getting? Oh, that's embarrassing. Pop, you shouldn't have been the one to lie.

Was that a skill? It was a skill check. What if I added a D6? Absolutely. Yeah, thank you, Adam. I'd like to spend a d6 Absolutely The brood guard wave you past You may pass There is a large I do eyebrows at horns

Like hey you're fucking not bad I look at you like that was too close Shut up There's the lake with the boats moored There's directly to your north a door And to the west there's just open tunnels also there's south back the way you came my gut tells me that straight is a good option would we be expected to take them to a prison in which case we should look for where a prison is

so that at least if we're going we can be like we're going there you know oh no we're going, we can be like, we're going there, you know. Oh, no, we're already in. So which direction are you going? Surely just walking north. The brood guard are getting suspicious. How many are there? There's four. Fuck, that's too many. Let's just start walking.

There's six of you. Let's start walking forward. I'm just going to start walking forward because if to the right is a pond, that's not convenient, you know. The people who are in charge and fancy, they're not going to ride on a boat. To the left is a snaking path, which seems more just of the cave, as it were. But if north is a straight line, does it look more paved and professional?

Yeah. Then that would be where we go, right? Sure, let's do that. The people who are in charge would have nicer quarters. the snaking one is just more of the alarm is immediately erased the second you touch the door no okay no i reckon if we if we get there and to our right and left are things that look more like features of a cave and to our front is an official looking door we just start walking to the door because the other things that look more like features of a cave and to our front is an official looking door, we'd just start walking to the door because the other ones would look

like, you know, storage rooms or something. Absolutely. All right. Okay. So let's not hang around. If that's what we see, we just walk confidently in the direction of north. The door is locked. God, sometimes I just love this game, you know.

Do you know what's hilarious? So I'm imagining a scene in a film We've brought in prisoners We've very badly convinced A bunch of guards that we are them And now we've walked up to a door And they're just like watching us do this The door's locked

We then double back, try another path And they don't do anything They just watch us do that. We get to the end of that path. It's a dead end. We come back out and just like get in a robot and they just watch us do that as well. So what's the plan? Turn around and go left quickly.

Snaking path. Yep, snaking path. I mean, it has snake in the title. A campfire casts warm light over this cavern. title a campfire casts warm light over this cavern heaps of dead grass and palm fronds are scattered about and the muddy floor is pitted with footprints there are in total 14 presumably slaves of various races and genders the slaves appear to be slowly trying to work at digging this or excavating this area out. There are also three more yaunty brood guards, same as before, who are quite obviously overseeing what's happening.

And then there's a yaunty malison. It's a type three. Is that what we are? You would be type one yaunty malisons with a human body and a snake head You would be type one. You on team Allison's with a human body and a snake head? Yeah, type one. Best type. The first type. The sickest type. This is a type three. Human head and upper

body with a serpentine lower body instead of legs. Oh, cool. It's a snake mermaid. Snermades. He is indeed a snermade. Yes, this is correct. He's wearing a red cloth headdress and he's up. He's like on a pile of cushions looking over everything. He turns around to you and you can see that there's a little Chilton boy kneeling near the bottom of the pile of pillows.

He has a chain around his neck that is chained directly to the floor in front of him. That's upsetting. The yaunty Malison flicks its tail and the little boy talks to you. The master wants to know why you're here. Oh no. Oh no. We have come to process the prisoners. This is so mean. The malison narrows its eyes at you, just trying to almost

stare you down, and then its tongue flicks once. The little boy speaks again. Master does not believe you. Then your master does not get any new workers. And we start walking off. Which direction? Back the way you came? Past workers. And we start walking off. Which direction?

Back the way you came? Past them. Past them? Oh, no. Is there a door there? Yes. Sorry. So past the giant fireplace.

Oh, you can also see that the Yonti Malison with the snake body or whatever has positioned itself so that it is getting as much warmth from the fire as possible. But past that fireplace, there are a set of double doors, yes. Do they look like they've got handles or locks? What a great question. Because if they do, then we get on the boats. Again, just being those brood guards, just being like, and following us back and forth. You can see that it has a handle.

Does it look like there's a key oh um gazing from it yeah no you can see that there is a key hole but you don't know if it's locked we march confidently into the direction of the boats as you walk past the malison goes back to reclining on its pillows and the little boy says the master is pleased with this. Going back the way we came. No, you're going towards the doors, right? Yeah. Oh, it seems more of a response to what Tiffany said. Oh, yeah, he doesn't get any more.

Yeah, processing the slaves. They've bought it, basically. Oh, good. We keep going. You get to the double doors, they're locked. Turn the door. Like, try and pick the door. No, no, just like a regular fucking, usual fucking door.

Can I try and open it? Yeah, it's locked. Oh, it's a big boy. What? It's a fucking mermaid. Fucking open the fucking door. Why are the doors locked? The little boy looks up at the malice and the malice seems uninterested in what's happening.

Little boy shrugs. They were not locked for our colleagues. The master says that he does not know if you have access to this storeroom. The little boy did not seem to interpret anything that time. Little boy's worked out we are not yaunty. We walk confidently in the direction of the boats. All right. You walk back to the boats.

The brood guard do not question you. Do you want to hop onto the boats? Yep. Yep. All right. All of you climb into the boats. You sail away. Just so you know, this is my nightmare.

What? Not being able to take anything? I am in a dungeon that is full of treasures, but also full of snaky arseholes. You've been in a lot of places full of arseholes. Why is this different? I don't like you on T. You don't like anyone? No, but I really don't like you on T.

I don't see how they're any different to anyone else we've encountered. Isn't anyone else with a small child chained up around the neck? I should let you know, by the way, you're not sure what the significance of this is, but the rowboats have a bell on them. I hate everything. I'm so stressed. I would like to ride up the front and hold the bell so that it can't ring. Oh, it's designed in such a way that you would need to actually grab it and forcibly ring.

Oh, okay. You feel safe enough that it's not going to ring accidentally. Cool, cool, cool. A tunnel opens up to the left, but it seems roughly hewn. It doesn't look like it's part of the complex. Oh, no, let's keep going then. We're looking for official paths to what we want. Hopping off the boats, you enter into a very interesting room.

These dank catacombs have been converted into sleeping quarters. The walls are lined with alcoves that now serve as nests for yaunty. There are 18 alcoves in total. Oh my god, that's so many snakes. 12 of them are currently occupied. Oh, that's only 12 snakes. Six of them are yaunty malisons and six of them are yaunty purebloods. A yaunty pureblood is kind of like a misnomer.

They're actually the lowest caste of yaunty. You would both know this through osmosis or facts you knew before this adventure began. Yep. But yaunty purebloods are basically, yeah, the lowest rung. They're humans that, well, all yaunty are humans transformed into Yaunty. Well, not humans, but creatures, you know what I mean. People that weren't snake people. Turned into snake people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they started off, started at the bottom and now we snakes. One of the Malisons rouses as you enter this room. He locks eyes with you and at first he just sees the yaunty among the group, and he seems like he's not going to make an issue of it. Like, whatever, yaunty exist here. But then he sees the tabaxi, and I think you've left them bound. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, oh, my God. Adam, we're not that dumb. But when he sees the tabaxi, he starts rising. What is the meaning of this snack uh tiffany is a pretty good liar and the auntie seemed to take that as an excuse he rests himself back down i'm good at lying because i've been lying to myself all these years there's a path that continues onwards east westward sick a rickety wooden walkway threads around the walls of a deep pit foul odors waft up from below somewhere in the gloom beneath you

thousands of snakes writhe i reach out for pop's hand i hold pop's hand. Pop lets you. Wow. It must be dire. In Pop's brain is just a man screaming. Just in Pop's brain right now. He's sweating so much. There's an open doorway to the south and a door, a stone door to the west. Either way, though, you need to walk around the snake pit. So I'm just going to put it out there, Cass.

Yes. You're going to make this choice because Pop is frozen with fear. Yes. He is an immovable rod. Your immovable rod accidentally activates. It's a fight or flight response. If I am walking forward, would I be able to see? So if I'm walking to the door on the other side,

am I going to be able to look through as I pass? Yeah, yeah, you could look through if you wanted to. I could look at the south door as I'm going to the west door. Yeah, you could look through that part. I will go through first and sort of duck my head in to see if that's where we want to go, but I'll do the scout. The iron stench of blood floods this chamber. Along one wall, a row of gore-filled pools sink into the floor.

Blood trails and bloody footprints run between the pools. You can see that there are four yaunty purebloods and two yaunty malisons bathing in the warm pools of blood. You can also see five slaves in loincloths, tending to their every need. Do you recognize any of those slaves, or any of them a certain tabaxi named Flask of Wine, Adam? No, you recognize none of these people. There's another door eastward in this blood bathroom. Well,

I take it all in. I, and I deduce that that isn't our business. Wow. I keep Look, the dead people will come back if we fix the soul longer. Okay. When all the Yontia

are dead, they will be liberated maybe yonti make yonti by using humans look you can walk past i'm just saying it's not as innocent an act as you seem to think it is i'm going to walk past and i'm going to i'm going to turn back look at everyone and like gesture them them forward walk a bit further to pass the door and keep gesturing them forward and maybe make a make a gesture like like sort of shaking my hand and my head at the door like don't worry about that i would say that dragon bait is the one who stops by the door dragon bait looks through to the blood baths and looks back at you and his his expression is slightly hard to read he has a difficult expression it's cloudy not happy upset but he keeps moving artist sembra

doesn't seem pleased about the situation either but he doesn't make anything of it he wouldn't want to fucking either it's in my. You get to the other door. When Dragonbait comes over, right, when we're, like, in the safe clearing and no longer on the rickety stuff, I take both of Dragonbait's hands and I say, I'm so sorry. Thank you very much. We shall liberate them after this. What?

Dragonbait can talk because he's a yawn-tee. Cass freaked out. That terrified me for a second. I forgot we were all yaunty. I nod. I'm still frightened because he shouldn't be able to speak to me. Also, now you can speak to him. That's fun.

I've been speaking to him this whole time. We have a very good complex language that people don't understand. Yeah, but now you can use words. I don't think I want to. I know. I know you don't want to. I'm going to choose to continue the confusing and perplexing relationship we currently have. Are you opening the door? Yeah. Opening the door, you

stare down into a corridor. The corridor immediately, pretty much right after you, hits a crossroads, and you can see that there are other turn-offs if you keep going. Would you like to, when you get to the crossroads, turn left or right, north or south, or keep going west? My goal was initially to go northward into the building

because that door looked the most a fish. Yep. Hopefully coming around and being like, well, we went east and then west. Maybe we should now go north again, that we have the opportunity to fish. Yep. Hopefully coming around and being like, well, we went east and then west. Maybe we should now go north again that we have the opportunity to go north. Crossroads, you can peer north and south and see that the north way. We'd love to peer north and south, Adam.

You can see that it ends in a much larger room and it looks empty but significantly more foreboding. If you look south, you can see there's some sort of, maybe laboratory of some sort. You're not 100% sure. You can see a yawn tea shuffling about in there. Oh, not for us. We'll go north then.

Go north. Big, big spooky room. An underground cathedral opens before you. At one end, a sculptured balcony perches atop five rearing stone serpents. That would be opposite from you. Blood dribbling from the serpent's jaws falls into a semicircular basin. And from there, it flows along a sloped trowel into a wide stone bowl set into the floor. Oh, that's blood.

South of the bowl is a mezzanine, prominently situated atop which is a cauldron of steaming broth that exudes fleshy odors. To the west, a huge gong carved with snake patterns stands on a second balcony. So you are before that cauldron. To your west is the gong. Directly to the north are the snake heads and pulpit

with drooling blood. You can see that to the east, there's a set of double doors and a portcullis. To the west, past the gong, is a giant open archway onwards. This room is empty. Can we hear anything from any of the other rooms? Bearing in mind that we want to find a harem,

so I'm assuming a room for fucking. Well, I would say probably through the portcullis you can hear the sounds of music, and that would probably be it. Well, that's probably where we'll go. This seems very. If I was an evil warlock who had a big bathtub of blood, I would still want music when I was fucking my snake wives. I'm just saying.

I don't finish saying okay and we just walk in that direction. I say oak. All right. You can see that just next to the portcullis, out of reach from any- I'm so sorry. What's a portcullis? Oh. It's-

Oh. I like that I did a physical thing on an audio medium. Well, Cass understands. The opposite of a drawbridge. If the drawbridge is the fish's mouth, the fish's teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's a chomper.

Yeah. So it's a latticework made out of metal or sometimes wood that bars passage. The main benefit of it is that defenders can fire through it or see through it as well. Just to the north of the portcullis is a brass lever. The lever is designed in such a way that it is out of sight and unreachable by someone on the other side of the portcullis from you. That's absolutely a slave trap.

Think about this. You build a dungeon. I spend a lot of time in dungeons. You want to keep people in, but you want them to be comfortable, because again, you want them happy so that they can continue to be your concubines. So what you do is you build a door. You can get in.

They can't get out. And the only thing they can see if they do try to get out is big fucking bathtub of blood. Terrifying. This whole room, very evil. I can't say I don't agree with you. Yeah, sure. So I think our mutual friend, not Flask, the other bloke we're looking for, the doppelganger who's pretending to be a- Yes, you are looking for-

Is the doppelganger pretending to be like a member of the group? Yeah, yeah, it's pretending to be a member of the harem. Ish Makol is a doppelganger who was- Well, Ish Makol is the person that they are impersonating. The doppelganger killed them and has assumed their form. They probably wouldn't keep them in a locked room. You know what they might keep in a locked room, though. If you say artifacts.

I was going to say our friend Flask of Wine, who's missing. No, okay. No, that's right. It's not always about artifacts. Sorry. Sorry. I don't like snake artifacts. No, I'm sorry.

Jesus. Would you like a description of the room as you approach, actually? Yeah. That'd be like snake art. No, I'm sorry. Jesus. Would you like a description of the room as you approach, actually? Yeah. That'd be great, Adam. That'd be great. Let's use our eyes to see. A fountain of cool water bubbles on the floor ahead. The scent of lilies fills the air and silken drapes drift lazily in the heat.

So harem. Archways open into shaded booths heaped with cushions and trays of sugared sweets. So harum. Did you say sugared sweets and piles of cushions? Yes. Well, if Flask is anywhere. He's going to be in the room of soft. You can see two of those brood gods are here watching over everything. I walk up to the gate and I'll just say,

because I can clearly not see a tabaxi in here. They're humanoid, yes? Yeah, they look like yaunty purebloods. Yeah. Ishmakul. Anyone say anything? The brood guards look at each other and look at you. They might be a bit suspicious.

Not suspicious enough to say or do anything though. One of the Yonti purebloods, a very handsome looking Cholten male approaches the portcullis. He leans against it and looks at you with a casual expression. But Tiffany, you can see that there's panic in his eyes yes pop's plan ends before for being quiet when you were walking around the snakes oh thanks with pop's plan finished does tiffany have a plan to take over find out next time on once Upon a Time in Zombie Plague Chops.

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