D&D is For Nerds - Zombie Plagued Chult II #24 Save the Cat

Episode Date: July 25, 2020

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You can also grab the same wild magic table that we used for that campaign. Once again, that's sanspantsradio.com. Welcome to Season 2, Episode 24 of Zombie Plagued Chult. Later on, that's you now. Shh! As your scales slowly become skin instead. Am I Snake Man now?

Eventually it finishes, yeah. Right. As soon as it finishes, I vomit. How about you two? I'd like to earn some gold. They look at each other and look back at you. You could be persuaded for something else. I come over to the Chewinger.

The Chewinger hands you a feather and a thorn bush. The Chewinga turns around and walks away. I call it back. It stops. I give it back the thorn bush. It shakes its head. The Broodguard do not question you. You want to hop onto the boats? Yep. Alright, all of you climb into the boats. The doppelganger killed them and

has assumed their form. They probably wouldn't keep them in a locked room. You know what, they might keep them in a locked room. You know what they might keep in a locked room, though? If you say artefacts. I was going to say our friend Flask of Wine. A very handsome-looking Cholten male approaches the portcullis. Having infiltrated Ras Nassi's compound, you're looking for the red wizard spy, Ishmakol.

So we've asked for Ishmakol. And he's come. And he looks panicked. He looks a bit stressed. I haven't noticed that he's stressed, though. So you'd keep talking. How are you going? What?

I am fine. Why is this meeting? Fine. Why is this meeting? I just wonder if you remember that. Sorry, I was thinking of someone else. You look like my friend, Valindra. I look very pointedly at him.

Yeah, look. You butcher this. You do a very poor job. Was this a skill? Yes. Can I re-roll it? You absolutely can. Thank you.

All right. You do a marginally better job. Tiffany, you wince when you hear him trying to explain himself. Because I didn't notice there was panic. If the brood guards were listening, they would not need to be very clever to kind of understand that secret information was being imparted. Thankfully, either the brood guards aren't listening or you're wrong about how smart they are. Either way, the effect is the same. And the doppelganger, his eyes widen slightly and then narrow in recognition. What is this one's plans? This is about it.

How did you come with us somehow? I was escapes myself. You must collect the puzzle cubes. Where the fuck are the puzzle cubes? Well, first off, the doppelganger knows the entire layout of this place. So now you can assume to know the map. Wonderful. Yeah.

What are these little, what are these little, what What are these little little teleporter bits? These little fucking Team Rocket hideout spinny globes. Are you talking about the one in the harem right now? Yeah, but also the one behind the snake heads. The doppelganger explains this is part of a teleporter system. Oh my

god, it's like being in Team Rocket. It's like being in Team Rocket. It's like being in Team Rocket. There is a magical means to activate them but I do not know sit. Rasnazi. Rasnazi's lair is the top

rightmost or his throne room is the top rightmost room. Rasnazi sits there during the days. Somewhere about that room is a secret, his secret lair, and is where he keeps the puzzle cubes. That's annoying.

He continues to explain. The northern rooms are inhabited by Rasnazi's second-in-command Fen Zaha. Am I getting that name right? Hissy Hissy Jordan. Fen Thaha Zaha. Fen Thaha Zaha. Can't wait to meet him

and deliberately get his name wrong. She is the nightmare speaker, an oracle of sorts. She and Rasnazi run this place. That is her domain, and it is where the sacrifices happen. Sacrifices. Sacrifices, living creatures. One of the rooms there is like a prison.

A prison where... Like a tabaxi might be kept, Adam. where- Like a tabaxi might be kept, Adam. Yeah, where a tabaxi might be kept, and also where people who are to be sacrificed for the blood pools are kept. Well, perhaps a trip there would be wise before we head to the puzzle cubes that cannot be killed. That's a good idea. Then it is decided.

Are you going to come and help us or are you going to break out later? The doppelganger considers you. It doesn't look good for our heroes. Both of you can tell this doppelganger doesn't seem it doesn't want to come with you not because it doesn't want to get free it probably might not have a plan to get out but it doesn't it obviously doesn't want to come with you because it doesn't seem to trust you you can see that it's it's very it doesn't trust your ability to survive. You actually feel like you can't trust this doppelganger anymore.

Look, that's fair, honestly. I don't question that. That's fair enough. That is fact. Yeah. We're not trustworthy. We don't know what will happen. You can't trust us.

Cool. Well, I guess then we will leave. Where are you going? Well, okay. I think we should. You want to collect flask of wine first? We want to try and collect flask of wine first. So we should probably go west to go north.

And then double back. Snake back around. Then loop back around. You could try to sneak in via the teleporter even. There's a teleporter in that prison. Hey, we could do. We'll try that, yeah. But, yeah, first we'll sneak around.

So you climb up walking past the gong and enter what the doppelganger has told you is the Hall of War. Four pillars carved with serpent reliefs support the 20 foot high ceiling of this large room. In the middle of which is an 18 foot high statue of a coiled cobra facing north torches with green flames flicker on the walls and the air reeks of dung two wagons are parked in one corner and a triceratops is confined to a metal pen in another to the west are a pair of dark alcoves and to the south is a wide pillared hall. You can see there is a yaunty pureblood and four yaunty broodguard. You can see in the western alcoves there are two basilisks chained to hooks. Basilisks, if they stare at you, turn you to stone. Yeah, I have an eye of one in my head sometimes.

Oh, right, of course. The eye does nothing. It just looks good. It just looks good. It just looks good. The Yawn-T Pureblood is kind of like ordering the brood guard around. You can see that there's no obvious actual work to be done. He seems to just enjoy doing it. He's doing it while eating from a bag of some sort of unpleasant looking food.

The Yawn-T Pureblood looks at you as you walk through, but doesn't say anything. No, we've got prisoners with us. Yeah. Also, didn't you say we're above purebloods in the ranking? Yeah. No talking to them then. Let's just march on through, not make eye contact with that basilisk.

Go north. Basilisks. Oh, no. More than two. You walk northwards, passing by the main gate a wide passage slopes down to a set of bronze doors which you see the other side of coiled serpents decorate the metal with a sliding hatch at head height four inch wide holes pierce the base of each door you start walking down a corridor to the east you pass a a stone door on your left-hand side.

You know that past that door is Fensaha's quarters. I think we're good. I think we're good. I think we're absolutely good. We already have had a lot of close calls and have managed to get through pretty fine, so I'm not willing to take any risks. No, I don't think uh risking any type of call is worth it no correct you enter the sacrificial chamber a blood-stained altar

stands in the middle of this room it has shackles bolted to its top and niches carved into its sides. Housed in each niche is a human skull. Grooves run down the altar to gutters on the floor, allowing spilled blood to drain into the walls. Clay urns overflow with wet bones and gore. Adam, this entire thing is disgusting. That's real bad. I feel unwell. Hey, did old mate tell us what's in that really cool room?

North room? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The yawn-tees simply refer to it as the oracle. Oh. Okay, well, we're going to have to bust in there. We'll do it on the way back. We'll do it on the way there before we get to the prison and use the teleporter. Well, actually, you can see into the prison not very well,

but there's a portcullis that separates you from the prison, and there's a stone door that separates you from the oracle. Should we just try the stone door? This room that you're in right now has four yaunty brood guard. One stand in each corner. They don't do or say anything. They just stand there motionless. I'm just going to start.

Well, we obviously can't talk about it because they're all here. I'm going to start walking toward the prison because we've got a prisoner. I mean, it makes sense for us to go in there and shove a prisoner in. So if we go in there and are out of prying eyes, then we can talk strat and get all of these prisoners to fight with us. Absolutely. Also, Adam, can Vaughn write things in the ground with his hand? You could probably get Vaughn to write something.

Cool, cool, cool, cool. You wouldn't be able to get a message back. That's fine. While you're walking that way, I'm just going to do a little bit of a... The message I want relayed is that basically found RN location and PB location. RN being? Rasna Z. And PB?

Puzzle box. Puzzle cube. And then PC locations. Oh, the PC police coming in, I see. Yeah, political correctness. Adam's a political correctness school man. And living in a nanny state. Finally, just at the end of it, the last thing I said was distraction,

question mark. Anything else? That's it. That's all I said. In the sacrificial chamber here, like with the last portcullis you saw saw there is a brass lever for the iron portcullis that you can raise i will confidently pull the lever muffled sobs and moans rise from four pits with circular iron grates covering them a chain hooked to each grate stretches over a pulley bolted to the ceiling and coils around an iron winch set into a nearby wall. Iron manacles dangle from hooks on the south wall.

To the north, a faintly glowing stone disc covers the floor of an otherwise empty alcove. And carved into the top of the disc is a serpentine symbol. That's the teleporter. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Is there anyone in the prison besides prisoners? No, you can just look into the pits and see prisoners. Can we see flask? Yep.

In one of the four pits, you see flask of wine sitting there with a grumpy expression, one big bruised eye, and his hands, his arms are crossed over. Oh, he's alive, Adam. He's thriving. If you look down into the pit, he looks up at you, and I don't think any of you know the Tabaxi language. No.

That's so upsetting because Flask can understand us when we're speaking in phone. Well, it's just rudeness on your part, isn't it? What does he say, Adam? He looks up at you and he says the worst insult that there is in tabaxi. I hope your story ends without a meal. Okay, I know he doesn't think it's us. I am a bit hurt, but I know he doesn't think it's us.

But it still hurts a bit. I crouch down real low to his grate so that it's just like I'm like in his face. And in Infernal I say, Hey, what are you so upset about? It's me. It's not real me, nah. It's real rude of you to talk to your friends that way,

huh? He's got a really like quizzical expression for a second and then slowly it dawns on him who he's talking to. A duck down as well. Hey, we're going to get you out of here. Fix you up with a big rumor soft. I love you. I could use a rumor soft.

Chink, chink, chink, chink. Chink, chink, chink. All of you turn around to see a truly fearsome looking creature before you. The man is a yaunty pureblood, but presumably before he was changed, he was quite the mountain of a creature. He has muscles rippling upon themselves. He wears no armor, but you can see that his skin has scales flecked all over it that look as hard as any steel. And behind him are quite a few yawn-tee.

Distantly, you can hear a gong being rung. It is a pleasure to meet you. I am so sorry, but your co-conspirators have ratted you out. How fucking dare you speak lived here, you would know that you cannot speak to me like that. If you were truly someone to be

feared, we would know that from looking at you. Your options are thus surrender now or perish. They know we're not, they know. Oh, yeah, the jig is up. You are fairly certain that that fucking doppelganger ratted you out.

I'm going to say option C, Agonizar Scorcher. Who would you like to act with? Not Dragonbait. Dragonbait? All right. Tiffany? Artis. Do we still look like snakes?

Yeah. It's so sick. All right. Pop, it's your turn. So what is happening? So there's that giant mountain of a yaunty man is he in the doorway yeah he's standing in the doorway you can see more yaunty behind him mostly brood guards wait did my attack work uh we're going to initiative you begin casting a spell and then the fight breaks out oh you can't

get the drop on them they're expecting a spell oh Oh. Can I start letting prisoners out? You can start, yeah. You can see there are winches on the walls that you can use to open up the pits. Well, I want to open Flask's pit up first. All right. They have nothing on them, do they? Yeah, they're all unequipped completely. What about the bones of other prisoners?

They keep the pits clean. There are no other prisoners in there. The bones are in the other room we were specifically told where the bones were that was very that was silly on my part i apologize fleshy fleshy i was told where the gore could be found yeah all right you are open artists not artists number so you open flask of wine's pit there are two other, no, there are three other prisoners in there with him. One of them is just a child. He's young, like 10.

I put him back in the pit. Back you go. In with flask of wine is also a yaunty pureblood who is rocking backwards and forwards and muttering to themselves. And finally, a adult female human. Hey, girl, name's pot mandarin i'm breaking you out of here they will have their turn trying to climb out in a moment great dragon bait fuck that big fuck up dragon bait misses and hits the yaunty pureblood puts a hand on Dragonbait's shoulder and says, Step back. You feel the word is laced with magical energy. Dragonbait lowers his sword and you can see he struggles against it,

but he takes a step backwards. The yaunty enter the room. Put them in the holes. Easy. Only one of the holes is open right now. We'll open the holes. Adam, this isn't a one-step plan. Pop.

Miss. Critical hit. Miss. Was that someone hitting me? Yeah. Are you absolutely sure, Adam? It wasn't just miss, normal hit, miss. I guess it is.

You take four points of damage as a Yaunty broodguard slashes at you Then a yaunty broodguard Slashes at you, Tiffany How many? Oh, Tiffany That's no good Hit, hit, hit Uh-oh We're in such a small room

Tiffany, you take 15 points of damage A broodguard attacks Ardus Simber A Broodguard attacks Artis Simbra, a Broodguard attacks Dragonbait, and a Broodguard attacks each of your Tabaxi companions. Oh, I forgot they were there. Oh, dear. Artis Simbra comes off pretty lightly. He doesn't get hit once.

And a critical miss on Dragonbait and a hit on Dragonbait. Ow, ow, ow. Make a DC 12 constitution saving throw on a failed save. You are unable to attack with this body part for one minute. It fails the constitution saving throw. It cannot bite for a minute. Sucked in.

It tries to bite down on dragon bait. Just as he gets control of his body back, he uppercuts the brood guard's jaw. I love that boy so much. Pop. An arrow from a bow fired through the doorway strikes you. Fuck off. You take eight points of piercing damage and seven points of poison damage.

Rude. An arrow also whizzes past you, Tiffany then tiffany it's your turn i'd like to do earth tremor on as many of the bad boys as i can except for pop because he's my friend one of the brood guard takes three points of damage and topples over good tiffany you slam your foot down on the ground and you feel the earth tremble beneath you. Do I feel the earth move under my feet? What do you want Artis to do? Ice him.

All right. That's a broad. Can he freeze them in? What? There's still some outside. Oh, yeah. There's a lot. There's a lot of them.

Yes, you can. Artis Simba creates a lot of them. Yes, you can. Artis Simba creates a wall of ice five feet across that fills the hole and goes straight down into the sacrificial chamber. Good. Oh, and we can probably stop smelling that blood a lot as well. Then it's the tabaxi's turn. First off, Flask of Wine climbs out of the pit and standing up next to, we'll say, Tiffany and the brood guard fighting you.

Flask of wine looks at the brood guard and says, this is, this is for, I don't know, being a strange snake creature. Bless his little cat. He claws at the creature, striking it twice. Then it is

Oh, and the other two tabaxi. Well, they're unarmed and tied up. They spend their turns trying to get free. One of the tabaxi will say, uh, uh, uh. Rickety Wood? Rickety Wood. That is no one's name. Wood Atlantan gets himself free, but Copperbell remains bound. Pop and Dragonvate. There are six brood guard plus the yaunty pureblood. Can I let more prisoners out?

Yeah, you can if you want. It seems pointless. I need to fight the big boy. All right. What do you do to fight the big boy? You just attack him a bunch? I'm going to Zephyr Strike. What I'm also going to do is just before I attack the big boy,

I'm going to be like, Avon, everything's fucked. I just say that out loud. And then I attack the big boy going for... Do you have a big belly, Adam? No. He's got a tight belly. He's fit.

It's scary how fit he is. Yeah. Go for his scrotum. All right. First attack. Scrots my guts. Miss. Second attack.

Miss. Third attack. Critical miss. Ah, boy. What would you like Dragonbait to do? Also fight. The champion specifically? Yeah.

You attack the champion from one side while dragon bait attacks from the other you slash hack slash hack slash hack but every time you do so the champion with one free hand just bats your attacks away literally catching your hammer sometimes and turning it dragon bait does the same on the other side and the yaunty pureblood champion just bats his great sword away with his own great sword well you're a bit more of a fuck than i thought and then it's the yaunty's turn each of you tussles with a brood guard pop you take six points of damage and when the yaunty brood guard tries to slash at you a second time, cramp, take a D4, negative three to its next attack roll. Have I noticed it's got cramp, Adam?

Yes. Someone forgot to do their stretches before a fight. Tiffany, you take five points of damage tiffany both of you get glancing blows as the brood guard close in at you one of the brood guard launches itself at copper bell lands on her knocking her over and then starts tearing into her copper bell is shredded to chunks is she dead you don't know but it doesn't look good i mean i've been chunks hooded lantern needs to start backing up but then the brood guard goes underneath they're both using claws the brood guard goes underneath hooded lantern's guard slashes at his belly opening it up and then when Hooded Lantern leans over to cry out in pain,

the Broodguard twists its head upwards, locks its jaws around Hooded Lantern's neck, and then jerks. You hear a snapping sound and Hooded Lantern's body goes limp. I think Hooded Lantern is dead, Cass. Artis Simber with a dagger manages to stab it in the heart of one of the broodguard, preventing it from lunging forwards, and he forces it backwards. Dragonbait gets knocked backwards by the champion when he tried to attack, and that creates an opening that allows the broodguard to get two critical hits on him. Adam, I hate everything, but mostly this.

This is pretty bad. Nick Dartery, make a DC 18 constitution saving throw, which he fails. On a failed save, take a D10 damage at the start of your turn for a D10 rounds. If maximum damage is rolled, this effect continues for additional D8 rounds.

Fucking hell. So for the next five rounds, he's going to take a D10 damage at the start of each of his turns. Jeez Louise. Cass. Yes. This is no good. Oh, yes. We're in a dungeon. Yes. Hopelessly outmatched. Yes. This is no good. Oh, yes. We're in a dungeon. Yes. Hopelessly outmatched.

Yes. Sliced tendon. His speed is halved for six rounds. So that's no good. Pop. Yes. The champion attacks you. Hit, hit, hit. It takes 60 points of damage pop are you fucking kidding 60

adam 60 should we have surrendered i'm below half from one hit from one man by my count you're on 15 hit points

tiffany and artist simba it's your turn um okay what is the biggest thing that artists can do to the most amount of people? He can do Atiluk's Freezing Sphere. So that would be an area of 60 feet.

Yeah, that's too big, unfortunately. He has Bigby's Hand, might be able to. I think that can only really hurt a target, though. He could do Cone of Cold, which he could at least direct if he does cone of cold at the biggin there's no way of hitting the biggin without hitting dragon bait and pop they're all tangled together he could hit two brood guard um and how many brood guard are there there are six look take out two brood guard with the cone. The two Broodguard both fail as Artisembre levels his hand and from his ring, bursts of cold magical energy bathe both of them. Both of them take 39 points of damage.

Good. One of the Broodguard topples over and shatters dead. Bard topples over and shatters dead. The other one still stands, but is after being buffeted by that much cold energy, doesn't look like he's going to be standing for much longer. Then, oh, Tiffany, you can still act as well. I would like to. Tiffany, the one that was next to you has been killed. That's good to know.

I would like to use my, so the one who's still standing looks like they're dying or need a little help. They need a little help. I would love to shank that guy. You attack. You hit. Hey! You help that brood guard off into the long good night. Suffering your jokes.

Flask of Wine launches himself at the champion, landing on the champion's back. The champion bellows in pain as Flask of Wine tears into his back. Critical hit. Follow-up. Maximum damage and you may make another attack with advantage against the same target. He deals 21 points of damage. Back to the top. Popping Dragonbait.

Dragonbait takes 7 points of damage. Dragonbait has blood pouring down his front front into his eyes and into his mouth. Every time he takes a ragged breath out, you can see blood bubbles forming at the edges of his mouth. Well, that is very upsetting. That is not nice. I have seen nicer things in my time. There is a weird disconnect for Pop because on one hand, it's friend Dragon, but on the other hand it looks like a snake dying, so that's good.

Can I kill wounds on Dragon, but? You sure can. That won't fix this damage, though. What would? Nothing. It just needs to play its course. Still help him. Yeah, but like also.

Because he's dying without it anyway. Dragonbait shakes his head. He wants to keep going. Well, then in that case, Adam, I turn around to the big man and I Zephyr Strike the shit out of him. All right, you don't need to cast it this time because you have it from last time. Because it's still there. That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hit, hit, critical miss. That's okay. yeah hit hit critical miss that's okay i hit twice i'll take the hit because i want to deal maximum damage on this attack all right the first one will deal maximum damage the second one deals minimum damage jokes on adam though guys because i don't know if you heard but earlier i also got a critical miss and adam didn't draw a card so did you just joke on yourself i I just dunked on Adam. No, no, he's waving it. He picked up a card.

I've had two critical misses, but I'm only getting one because laws of the DM would say that that turn has already passed, Cass. No. Oh, my God. When will you learn he makes the laws? Oh, no. Your first slash cuts open the champion's belly and you can't his muscles are so strong that it kind of just closes the wound up on its own that's cartoon he tenses his

abs so bad that they healed him you hammer him in the leg and you can see you feel a bone maybe break, but it's probably a hairline fracture. And then, footsie, your wild swing causes your weapon to strike you in the foot, dealing maximum damage. If the weapon you are wielding deals bludgeoning damage, your speed is also reduced by 10 feet. Thankfully, it's the sickle, not the other one. And so your speed is not reduced by fucking it down to 10 feet. It's good, Adam. You're on six hit points. Oh, good. It's their turn.

A broodguard attacks you from behind. Pop. No. Miss. Yes. Miss. Yes. Hit. Oh, no. What's gonna happen? Oh, no. What's gonna happen?

Oh, so fucking lucky. You take three points of damage. How much health am I on, Adam? Three. Oh, my God. Heal yourself. Gas. Jeez Louise.

Stacks. A brood guard attacks you, Tiffany. Oh, no. Hit, hit, hit. No, no, no. You take 17 points of damage, Tiffany, as a Broodguard launches at you and starts tearing into your back. Then a Broodguard attacks Ardus.

Critical hit, miss, miss. Terrifying slash double damage and make a DC 12 wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, you become frightened of your attacker. Ardus fails the saving throw. He is frightened as the effect of his attacker you see artist simba start backing up artist simba is quite clearly very terrified of the situation artist simba starts babbling a little bit dragon bait gets attacked by a brood god oh dear dragon bait gets slashed he does a valiant job trying to fight off the champion and the broodguard,

but the broodguard gets a cut in and deals four points of damage. I feel like, Cass, that we may have walked into a trap. We definitely weren't smart. No. The champion sucks in air, and you can see that he's getting a second wind he regains 20 hit points what he attacks you pop and now a word from our sponsors also hey did you know there's an insane amount of old and unknown and weird and fucked cartoons that you do not know about i know our friend mia is one of the funniest people i know and she has a lot to

teach you in her hilarious show cynical cartoons go to sanspantsradio.com and search cynical cartoons to find your new purpose in life he misses good he attacks the second time oh oh critical miss oh my god thank god the rebound, your weapon bounces off your target and strikes you in the face. You have disadvantage on your next attack. Cop that, you big fuck. He takes 20 points of damage. As his sword bounces off, you turn around to show your back to him,

expecting your shell to protect you. And as he swings, you're like're like wait i don't have a shell then right before the sword connects you feel an awful rippling sensation through all your flesh pop what the fuck your body pops and changes your bones rearrange and your skin morphs. And you feel yourself regrowing your shell. The sword bounces off the shell and smacks the yaunty in the face. Tiffany, you feel the same thing. And you see Artus and Dragonbait revert to their original forms.

And Pop, of course. Pop doesn't revert. He just grows a shell. I'm pretty snaky already. You all revert to your original forms. His final attack is a dragon bait instead. I tried to heal him, Cass, and he said no. And by he, I mean Adam, and I shouldn't have listened.

Dragon bait parries the blow. Tiffany, it's your and Ardus' turn. Can Ardus use his cone again? He can, but he can only hit one enemy. He can cone an enemy. One of the Broodguard gets buffeted in cold energy and takes 29 points of damage. Then, Tiffany, what would you like to do? He doesn't die.

No. Oh, phooey! Well, I think I would like to green flame blade once more. All right. This time... Who's the champion closest? Champion is not the closest. No, there are four other brood guard in this room right now.

Well, I think I'll attack a brood guard. All right. You're still unfortunately not next to an ally, so you can't benefit from that, but you nonetheless deal 14 points of damage. You stab the brood guard in the belly, and it looks up at you and hisses all right that was your turn tiffany it's it's flask of wine stone you're being needlessly cruel

in this fight adam tiffany the brood guard launches at you to try and attack you but when it does so you see someone wrap itself around the brood guard from behind rolling around you see copper bell is on the back of the brood she's alive oh chunks reformed the chunkiest cat hey baby you a soup in a can that's a bit cold and gelatinous because those chunks are stuck together she seems very for wear, functionally on one hit point, having rolled a 20 on saving throws. She tears at the broodguard's throat. Yes.

Tearing it out completely, the broodguard collapses forwards, dead, and she hisses at it, my cubs could do better than you oh my god she's a mom yeah she has three kittens didn't you know we love a working blanket that she wears used to be her cubs all right oh my god come on i'm so sorry and so we've met so many beautiful cat people it's really hard to keep up with everything I love about them, Adam. Where are your babies? I bet she's old. Where are Tom's babies?

Vaughn has them. Are you going to bluff them with Vaughn? Yeah, sure. I wasn't going to take the fucking Cameradine pups here, kids. Would they have helped in the fight? No, they're too young. They're helpless. Babies.

It's like getting a toddler being like, go on, son, go forth and shank. Flask of Wine deals another nine points of damage to the champion, raking across its chest. Pop and Dragon Meat, it's your turn. Adam. Yes. How tall is the champion? Maybe a foot taller than you.

Could I attack him in the mouth and the throat? You could try. You'd have to strike upwards. Yeah, cool. Why do you want to do that? What I would like to do is take my immovable rod, click it and ram it down his throat at the same time. At the same time?

Basically, I want to choke him with a rod that he can't pull out. All right. So I would make this you wouldn't be making an attack roll you'd be making a skill check versus his skill check. Yeah, cool. What's the skill? Athletics. Being fucking sick.

He rolled pretty well, but so did he. You got 23, but he got 26. Ah, damn. You grab the immovable rod and try to grab at his mouth to ram it into his mouth. But when you do so, he punches you in the side and you feel your collarbone break. Fuck you. I just want to be angry at this man and say, just so you know, if you kill me, I will find your dead mother and piss on her head.

I hate him so much. You're very lippy for someone on three hit points. A brood guard attacks Tiffany. Miss, hit, miss. You're trying to push it off, but it still gets a little nick underneath your guard, and you take three points of damage. How often can I use uncanny dodge?

Oh, use your reaction. So once a turn. I can just do that every turn? Yep, as your reaction. So I can do that now? Sure. I would like to do that now. I wish I did it 40 hit points ago.

Hey, Cass, remember where for half a campaign you forgot that you were a rogue? Yeah, and I had to write... Oh. What's written at the top? Come on, tell us your remembering notes. Your mnemonic devices. Okay, so my notes up here are sneak. Yep. To remember that I was a rogue.

Double heal because of the periaptive wound closure. I can heal twice. And again, that I can never die because of the periaptive wound closure. I can heal twice. And again, that I can never die because of the periaptive wound closure. Just a reminder for me. And uncanny dodge. Heal twice doesn't really give you the proper description of what the periaptive wound closure does, I don't think. But it reminds her that she has it, Adam.

Yeah. Oh, no. Dragon bait. Oh. She has it, Adam. Yeah. Oh, no. Dragon bait.

Oh. Dragon bait takes a further six points of damage as another critical hit. Bleeder, make a DC 12 constitution saving throw on a failed save. You take a D4 damage for a D4 rounds. He will take that damage for three rounds. Good. You know, this is fine, Adam. This fight is going swimmingly.

And by swimmingly, I mean swimming in blood-ingly. We are swimming in blood. Welcome to the blood pool. Critical hit. Why didn't I heal? I don't know. Well, actually, to be honest, I thought the move of rod thing would work, so I wouldn't need to heal. Pop, everything goes black.

Pop collapses as a blow knocks him about the head. Can't wait to go find his dead mum and piss on her head. And then Dragonbait bears the full brunt of two more blows. The Yawn-T Pureblood champion destroys dragon bait. Dragon bait gets cut once and his hand is nearly severed. Then dragon bait gets run through. Dragon bait is still standing, but he's swaying on his feet. You opened that with destroys.

Tiffany and artist Simba. Can artist cone anyone else? Not without hitting an ally now. Okay. Cool and good. Okay. Artist Simba is going to go anyone else? Not without hitting an ally now. Okay. Cool and good. Okay. Artist Simba is going to go over and try and stabilize Pop. Pop is stabilized.

Am I alive? Yep. He's no longer bleeding out. Artist can't grant him hit points, but he can stop him from, so long as Pop doesn't take any more damage, he'll be fine. Well, that's good. I'm going to give you, Pop, a die. Yes.

Every round, you may roll that die, and if you get a 20, you come back on a hit point. Okay. What do you want to do, Tiffany? I would like to... You can attack the Broodguard attacking Dragonbait. That would probably be the smartest thing to do right now. And you get your sneak attack on that one.

That's exactly what I was going to say. It really was. I felt like the first time i'd been clever you attack with green flame blade and you hit hey tiffany this one is gonna hurt yes good oh tiffany you deal 40 points of damage i love being a rogue how good is, you lucky uncanny dodger? You stab the brood guard in the back, spearing its heart and dragging your rapier out. The brood guard collapses. As he's falling in front of me, I want to go, take that.

The last thing the brood guard hears is that hist in the back of his ear. He dies in confusion. Good. That means when you get to the afterlife, you don't know where to go. Get a good boy card. That's funny. That's a good line. I'm just dying to be like, so, heaven, hell?

Oh, I died in confusion, so I don't know. Is somewhere closer? No. Oh. I just have to pick a path? Yeah. Oh. I feel like I should take the stairs going up, but also maybe that's a trick.

Hey, if someone were to succeed on a saving throw, say with a good boy card, would that give him a hit point? I'd allow it. The Tabaxi, you'll have to wait for his turn. Both of the Tabaxi go in on one of the Broodguard and attack from either side. The Broodguard looks almost panicked, seeing two predatory-like cats stalking at it from either direction. The cats hiss and snarl and strike in tiny little bursts here and there. It's like watching a herd of lionesses bring down a water buffalo. They deal 19 points of damage.

Then it's Pop and Dragonbait's turn. Pop, you get a hit point, but it's at the end of your turn. So you're just conscious, basically. What would you like Dragonbait to do? Is he fighting Broodguard? That Broodguard's dead. The Broodguard behind him is dead. He's fighting the champion.

I just want him to retreat, actually. Get out of the champion's range. He will take... Oh, no. It takes opportunity, right? Oh, no. No, because of his bleeding. He takes 12 points of damage in total.

And because on the D10 he rolled maximum, that one is going to keep going for another five rounds. Trying to do math in my head, but Dragonbait's in fucking trouble. That's all I do know. So you want Dragonbait to just back up? I think so. Just so that the champion can't hit him again and absolutely murder him. All right.

That would mean that you were the only one next to the champion. Just letting you know. He thinks I'm so. Just so that the champion can't hit him again and absolutely murder him. All right. That would mean that you were the only one next to the champion. Just letting you know. He thinks I'm dead. If Dragonbait backs up, he's probably gone. Who's the closest to him now? Actually, that would be Artis Simber now. Oh, Artis. Oh, no.

He attacks Artis Simber. He steps over you, Pop, to attack Artis Simber. Well, that's just not cricket, Ardus Simber says before a sword hits him in the face. You know, for the amount of times you've said that, we've never actually found out what cricket is. I told you it's a game where men hit each other

with bats. Ardus Simber takes 56 points of damage and collapses. That's a lot. That's a lot. Love how he saved one friend for another to die. That's a lot. That's a lot. I love how he saved one friend for another to die. That friend has a magical ring we can steal. Wow.

I have been foreshadowing this since day one. Yeah. That guy is dead. I am taking his ring. Yeah, except if you take it, I know it's going in a museum. But we can use it. Yeah, now we can. Eventually, it'll go in a museum.

The first sword blow gives Artis Simba what hopefully one day will be a dashing looking scar across his face. Unfortunately, right now, it just looks like, my god so much blood holy shit that's a lot of blood artist simber holds half of his face in his hands before the champion runs him through with the sword artist collapses oh no and then just for good measure. The champion recovers 20 hit points. And then the brood guard fight. Oh my gosh. One of the brood guard attacks you, Tiffany. Oh, well, let me preemptively uncannily dodge that.

All right. Well, we'll see. First attack is a hit, so you'll uncannily dodge that one. Second attack is a miss. Third attack is a miss. Third attack is a miss. So you uncannily dodge for only one point of damage, Tiffany. Hey. Isn't it good to know you have this ability? Yeah.

Isn't it good to know that I've had that since the entire time. Pop and dragon bait. How many points am I on? One. You said the guy stepped over me. How is he am I on? One. You said the guy stepped over me. Mm-hmm. How is he stepped over me? And is he wearing what I imagine is a kilt?

He wears a loincloth. He's already past you. So I can't. You want to hit him up in his balls? I was going to be like, balls. You can do that, sure. A movable rod in the scrote. All right.

Actually, no, because that won't do anything. Critical hit. I just jammed an immovable rod into his gooch. Stunning blow. He can't pull it out. Maximum damage on the target must make a DC 14 constitution saving throw. On a failed save, the target is stunned. I'm going to up the DC to 18 because, sure, why not?

I think he's still going to pass, unfortunately. Fuck him. Fuck him, Adam. Yeah, I'm sorry. He still passes. I can't believe you gave me a win and then immediately took it away, like my dad or something. You deal 15 points of damage.

Buck up, kiddo. I wanted him stunned. Smoke him up. They're good. Also, Adam, that was the immovable rod. Yes. So you lock it into place. I don't know how hampered he will actually be by that.

He can step off What? The rod doesn't move No He can You've jammed it up into his gooch He can just slide off He has to pull it out You can't move it

No, he can't pull it out He can get off of the rod It would hurt You make a convincing point there It would hurt He would hurt himself getting off the rod. Dragonbait takes another four points of damage. What would you like Dragonbait to do?

Attack him. Dragonbait charges forwards and attacks. I'm so sorry. Dragonbait is huffing and puffing, but this boy, this house is not getting blown in. That's your turn. It's his turn now. Cass. Yeah? Should have healed. That's your turn. It's his turn now. Cass. Yes?

Should have healed. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I need to riot at the top of my pay. He gets a critical hit on dragon bait. Oh, no. Bleeder again.

Make a DC 14 constitution saving throw on a failed save. Take a D6 damage at the beginning of your turn for the next D6 rounds. He fails. Holy shit. Dragon Bait has no blood left. He's been exsanguinated.

Dragon Bait takes 41 points of damage. That's a lot, Dragon Bait. Dragon Bait collapses. That's understandable dragon bait dragon bait's gonna oh no oh no on his next turn dragon bait's gonna keep bleeding out dragon bait's actually going to die on his next turn unless i get to him i don't know if even that will help at this point you'll need to heal him more than the damage he will still take anyway can i stabilize him though no it's at the start unless you stabilize him i could stabilize him

no stabilizing isn't enough he needs actual healing magic ah yes dragon bait will actually die in a round he just hasn't died yet there's actually nothing you can do. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. The brood guards attack. Cass. We failed dragon day. Tiffany, you get attacked. Uncannily dodge. You only take four points of damage instead of eight from the bite. But the claw, you can't stop

and you take six points of damage from that. Tiffany and Ardis. Tiffany, you, because you are linked right now through combat with Ardis, know that Artis is just feigning. I was going to surprise you with that. I had a happy surprise ready for you. Artis Simber just took a grievous bodily wound, but he was allowed to make a bluff check to pretend to die. So he will catch the enemy unawares and it will be flat footed.

He gets advantage on any actions against the enemy this round. That's amazing. Yes. However, he took a lot of fucking damage. Can he cone anyone? Not without hitting a friend. Although at this point, actually, one of those friends is kind of dead anyway. Go for it, Cass.

Okay. So Artus is going to cone the champion. He will hit Dragon Bait. Dragon Bait still won't die immediately. There would be that percentage chance roll, but with the extra damage that he's going to take at the start of his turn, he was going to die anyway. Yeah.

This is just kind of starting that early. Uh-huh. Yep. You want to do that? Yep, he's going to cone and at least. The champion fails. Oh, thank God. But Dragonbait will also fail.

Do you know what sucks? It's like just no one. Yeah. That we could have saved him three or four times over. And by we, Cass, I mean me. I know. I know you mean you, Tom. Because I have nothing I can do.

The champion and Dragonbait take 40 points of damage dragon bait isn't dead but he just received two failed saving throws Tiffany what would you like to do now see I have an immovable rod am I able to try and jam from the mouth perhaps by using dragon bait to bounce off of? You can try. Do it, Cass. It's the sickest thing ever. He's not dead yet, so maybe he can give me a boost. He is actually unconscious right now.

Maybe I can just jump on pop then. Actually, you know what? No, he can give you a boost, sure. Okay, so dragon bait's going to give me a boost, and I'm going to try and jam the immovable rod down this man's throat so it's a critical hit and in addition to a critical hit it is a sneak attack as well because you have pop on the other side i love that we're taking him down with immovable rods i'm also gonna take my movable rod back is he still on the other immovable rod he's not really on that other one it was just knocked into his ghoulies yeah from the bottom

it's like an ice cream stick he's like an ice cream cone no it's not stuck into him it's just pressing into him okay and i put it now he'll be stuck you put him in him as hard as you could stunning blow maximum damage and the target must make a dc16 constitution saving throw on a failed save the target is stunned. He fails this time. Yes! You should be surprised. You're eating Rod now.

Rod is your dinner. You deal 38 points of damage and he is stunned. What horrid fate is about to befall Dragonbait? Find out next time on Once Upon a Time in Zombie-Plagued Chops. sanspantsradio.com and consider joining the sanspants plus community there's over 20 bonus shows a sanspants plus discord exclusive video content and discounts on merch just head to sanspantsradio.com and follow the links hey there fellow adventurer if you're picking up what we're putting down and want more dnd content we have just what you need to scratch that itch. D&D is for Nerds Plus, the symbol, not the word, where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to Sants Pants Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests, and D&D is

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